November 7, 2006

Dear Family,

I would have included all of you in the heading but that’s not a formal

letter. So my gift to you is that you each get your own paragraph. For starters I

want you guys to know that I’m coming home and I’m really looking forward to

Thanksgiving. Now pass the paper around no peaking (Mom). First paragraph is

for Dad.

Hello there Mr. Strzelecki, just thought I’d say love you Dad. Somehow

thousands of miles away in Afghanistan I can still hear you’re telling me what’s

right and wrong. You would be proud of me I saved a boy no older than Shane the

other day. Overall you’ve been great to me and this time I promise I’ll stay when I

come to visit this l time now can you pass the letter on to mom please.

Mom I already know you read Dad’s paragraph its ok, I knew you would. I

got your care package from a few months back I’m sorry I just got around to

writing to you. We’ve been busy around here. But you can stop worrying about

me I’ve got this army thing down now. Now this next part is very important… I

love you and this upcoming holiday will be awesome lots of love from your

schmoopie poo.

He little bro how’s my Mr.Shaneypants. I know you hate that name but

guess what…? I’m thousands of miles away and you can’t do anything to me. I got

you some things from Afghanistan. Hopefully that will make up for me missing

your first day of High School. No worries I’ll be there for thanksgiving until your

fourteenth birthday on the 29th. I’m sorry but I’m running out of the time I was

allow to use this computer but we can do all the talking you want when I get

there.

Lots of love from your

son and big bro

PVT Joshua Strzelecki

Ryan

Send

Shane r you ok?

Yea of course I’m fine y wouldn’t I b? I’m

bored outta my mind waiting for Josh tho

he’s beyond late.

Oh… um well then maybe I should call then….

Ryan? Dude why are you acting all

weird?

Dude I was just watching the news and I just

wanted to know what you were up too?

Ryan stop being so weird… brb I gotta get

the door

Ryan… Josh’s taxi was hit by a drunk

driver… going to the hospital ttyl

K Ill pray for you bud

Darkness Two lights born of the Sun Spectacular always a pair on the run Two of a kind, brightening all shades In time one light dims, and suddenly fades The moon drunken with darkness hides Causing dangerous rising tides The Sun ignores her child Leaving the light alone in the wild In a world of darkness Pain will always shine through With no one in this world The light dims and fades too.

December 24, 2006

Dear Journal,

Christmas isn’t coming this year. Santa Claus is dead. Well not really but he

is to me. How could I ask for anything from a big guy in a red suit when all I want

most this year is for Josh to be alive. The Christmas cheer in the house is gone

too. Josh was my Santa Claus… he always made sure the holiday was just right.

Last year I stayed up all night for on Christmas Eve just to Skype with him. When

he did make it home he never failed to bring me a gift. Imagine staying up all

night for a Santa who never came. I’ve been living with that type of

disappointment since Josh was ripped from my life. Point is Christmas just isn’t

coming to our house this year. At this point I’m not sure if anyone in the house

can be trusted with scissors to cut wrapping paper either. I know I can’t be...I

picked up a kitchen knife while making dinner one night I swear I heard his voice

telling me to stop and think it through. Then again I’m just “coping” that’s what

the overpaid psych my mom got me says. If anyone needs emotional help its mom

and dad. Mom is dreadfully silently and lately only gets a good view of her feet

since she only looks down all the time. This year the eggnog is more brandy than

it is nog and only my dad seems to want to drink it. Everyone around me is going

nuts and my own sanity is slipping.

Breathless

I’m sinking, slowly, softly, I don’t realize until I hit the bottom. Sand flies up and long thick kelp twirls and slithers around my arm holding on to me with desperation. As I gasp it all sets in…. I’m drowning. I try clamoring to the surface. My lungs tighten and fill with water. My lungs were useless like two bags of Jell-O. I gasp again and… nothing. The realization hits me, the incontinent truth I…am… dying. A light appears at the surface and a hand reaches for me. I feel the tight grip on my shoulders as I am launched onto the land. Through my soaked tearful eyes I see ad strange foggy figure above me. Coming into focus I realize its Josh. Once again I’m breathless, but it’s different now. It couldn’t be him; Josh has been dead for six years. He smiles and mouths a few word but I cannot hear him. My hands tremble as I reach out to touch him. I close my eyes and reopen them…I see nothing but the dark hazy sky. My body jerks and I’m in a speeding car the hell red speedometer spiking at 180mph. The blood red wall comes into view I brace for impact… I fly out of my bed like I just flew from the car. Welcome to my hell... My chest is pounding I look around my room and clutch my chest as if to check that my heart hadn’t jumped out onto the floor. The sweat drenches my body. The salty taste of sweat hits my tongue. I lay back down fighting back tears. Running my fingers through my hair I stare at the white ceiling and get lost. A Screeching sound echoes through the room my chest pounds then I turn off my alarm clock with a sigh. Clamoring through my jungle of a mess in my drawer I pull out my anxiety meds. The little blue pill is my friend, has been for the past six year. I should have taken one last night. They make the nightmares go away.

June 27, 2012

Dear Journal,

Work has been insane lately. Even my own boss told me to stop and take a

breath. But fixing things is all I do right and I like doing it. Plus being a handy man

at an apartment complex gets me cheaper rent. I get lost in my work sometimes

when things come together the way I want it too I’m in control. It feels great to

have control for once in my life. I haven’t been in control of anything since I

stopped cutting not like I had much control then either but at least then there

was a false sense of security. Lately I’ve been floating down a wild river on a

rickety raft called life. I’m tired of just going with the motions I need a break.

Starting tomorrow morning I’m going to pack my bags and go where ever

my heart desires. I haven’t seen the ocean yet I think I’ll visit the Jersey Shore. I’m

going take that much needed break and make the better of every second. Live like

I’m dying. There’s no point in living if I don’t have a decent quality of life. "To

Infinity and beyond..." That one was for Josh… he was a total Toy Story nerd I wish

he would had gotten to see the last one with me enough sad talk after tonight I’m

taking a much needed vacation.

Drivers Log:

32 hours 43minutes (South Bend, IN to Portland, OR)

Day 1

7am-7:30 am Prep and organize

7:30am-8am Fill tank, get breakfast and embark

8am-4pm Drive, stop at nearest restaurant for break

4:15pm-11pm Stop in Fort Collins, Wyoming

Day 2

6am-3pm Grab breakfast to go, continue driving

3pm-3:15pm take a short break

3:15pm- 12pm Home stretch, check in at one of the four Holiday

Inns in Portland

Greetings from Portland’s finest Holiday Inn

Shane Strzelecki

442 S. Chicago St.

46619 South Bend, IN

Dear Shane,

I know I was supposed to stay

longer when I visited but I

freaked out. I hope you

understand. Love you.

P.S. I can’t give much

detail about where I’m at but

just wanted you guys to know I

was ok.

June 28, 2012

Dear Journal,

So this couldn’t be a weirder situation. Dragging the suitcases out of my closet

and this postcard fell out of my luggage. I honestly don’t remember seeing it

until today .I have no idea where this postcard was sent from. The picture side

was just a big lit up Holiday Inn. So then I started the detective work… how

many Portland’s could there possibly be. To my surprise there are twelve each

in Oregon, Maine, Texas, Tennessee, Indiana, Connecticut, New York, Michigan,

Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, North Dakota, and Arkansas. Luckily the stamp caught

my eye the Oregon Ducks. Now I know where my vacation is going to take me.

Hope Josh is trying to send me a message cause Oregon doesn’t seem to

exciting.

Hands clenched tight on the steering wheel I stare out into the hellacious

traffic. Drumming my thumbs on the wheel I sway my head to stay sane. Just

ahead a man is cut off in a silver bullet of a van. ”Damn” I think to myself “Who

knew that Portland could have such a crazy amount of traffic. I reach and turn the

radio dial to hear the crisp buzzing sound of static. Once I turn the dial slightly

more to the right a sweet instrumental fills the truck cab. Mellowing a little I

loosen my tense grip on the steering wheel. The moment the lead singer sang the

first verse the song sinks in. “Do you know what it’s like when you are scared to

see yourself”. Immediately I stare in the mirror bravely with a smug look that

quickly fades. Only because I know what he means I haven’t really seen myself in

years. I've grown in size but I’m still the same little boy lost his brother at heart.

As the song flows and passes by so do my thought. Suddenly the instrumental

drops and he says “Make me feel better” three times. My heart drops and I think

about my family and then shouts “Put me back together”. Before I know it the

song is over. The lyrics stick with me right down to my core. I look in the mirror

one last time. My eyes are red and my cheeks are wet and I wonder how long I

have been crying. As soon as I drive off everything moves so quickly. A horn

honks; a car swerves and comes straight for my truck. I close my eyes n brace for

impact…

July 2, 2012

Dear Ana,

You won’t believe it! I barely believe it myself. God has

been blessing us since we opened this place. You know that

furnace to the Veteran Rehab Center that needed fixing I got

us a handyman. I ran into him yesterday. Literally ran into

him Ana. I’m ok though I don’t want you worry about your

old man. This boy was pretty shaken up by the whole thing

though. We sat down and talked over tea…he even laughed at

that tension tamer pun that you hate so much. He’s from

Indiana like that one young man who helped us get the rehab

center started seven years back. Now that I think of it this

boy is a spitting image of him.

Anna I love you and will send you a few things from the

vets to your place to remind you from home. I wish you’d

come back to Portland we need you here certain single

sergeant (say that five times fast) misses his favorite nurse.

For now I’ll send you letters since you find them to be

so...quaint.

Love,

Dad

July 2, 2012

Dear Journal,

Life is full of surprises... one second in doing detective work to find a part of

my brother. The next I’m in a car accident almost scared to death… now this…I

can’t really explain it in my own words, but I’m starting to believe in fate. I’m

starting to believe in a lot of things for the first time in my life.

November 30, 2005

Dear Hershel,

I really enjoyed my time here. You helped me cope when I had no

one. I was running away and you gave me a home. I can’t thank you

enough. As you know I’m only on leave for a short while there is 800

dollars in the envelope on your desk. It was my money for hotel expenses,

and since you took me in you deserve it. I’m very proud to be your

acquaintance and even prouder to help any of the soldiers with PTSD that

come in through the center as you helped me.

The day you met me when I helped jump your car will forever be in

my heart. Hershel you are a great man and a hero in my eyes. And I

know your daughter Ana will grow up to be a great woman. I hate to

leave on these circumstances but I know a man of your prideful stature

would not accept the much needed money if I were still here for you to

reject such charity.

Much Thanks,

Joshua L Strzelecki

P.S. I’ll always be available to help you know my number

Ana,

I sent you a letter a few days ago but by the time you get this it will be old

news. I just had email you as soon as I found out. Do you remember that young man

that left us all that money for the center when you were fourteen…The craziest thing

happened I met his brother! Poor kid I found him in my office reading that letter on

my wall. He was crying pretty hard. The boy for years back, Joshua, he passed away

just a year after he left. This is a rare occasion Ana! I know you on summer break off

from college so I took the liberty of getting a flight for you back to Portland. I think it

could help this young man a lot if you told him all about how his brother helped the

place. Please considers after all he’s about your age and I’m sure he would accept

hearing the story from someone who isn’t an old fart like myself. Regardless the fact I

need some help as is with the center and I’d really appreciate it if you took the flight

back home.

Sincerely,

Dad

Anabananas@yahoo.com

Please do me a favor

July 5, 2012

Dear Journal,

Thank god I collected my vacation days I only took off for ten days

though. This Rehab Center owner REALLY wants me to stay. He thinks

it’s really important that I meet his daughter. We’ve been waiting for

her to arrive she should be here today if her flight is on time. Hershel

and I spent a lot of time decorating the place. It’s not much fun being

here but I do keep very busy this place has been falling apart for some

time now and Hershel even pays me to fix things. He offered me a job

as a handyman for the place but I’m not so sure about it. I like Hershel a

lot he’s a really great guy but I have obligations back home… I think.

Hershel really has been chatting me up about his daughter it’s

getting kind of weird. But I’ve been meeting a lot of different veterans

at the center that adore her just as much. It’s nice getting to know

them. Some are walk-ins with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Some

scheduled who need physical therapy. All of them show great

perseverance and inspire me more and more each day I’m here.

Veterans sure know how to celebrate the Fourth of July. Yesterday was

great but today we are back to work. The place is severely

undermanned though I think I might take Hershel up on his offer. This

entire trip was all about following in Josh’s old footsteps anyway.

July 5, 2012

Dear Journal,

I just met Hershel’s daughter Ana and she’s really nice. She

showed me this website called Postsecrect. She said it’s a great way to

get my thought out in the universe without actually having to tell

someone. Immediately if I ever needed to express anything it would be

my feelings about Josh. He’s definitely been watching my back. Even his

postcard was my motivation to come all the way to the west coast. Josh

has been making sure that things never get too bad for me since day

one. And I’ve loved him for it since I first learned how to say his name.

After all what are brothers for.

July 7, 2012

Dear Journal,

Boy, did I get an earful from my boss. Well… former boss. He

wasn’t too fond of me deciding to quit. After all it was highly

unexpected. Hershel really enjoys my company and Ana and I have the

whole summer to get this place spic and span before she leaves. There

are literally hundreds of things to fix. I like Ana she’s really down to

earth and she really listens. I’ve called my mom every night I can I

couldn’t possibly abandon my family. She should be coming up with a

truck load of my stuff I’m looking forward to it. I miss her, but I’ve

found a new family in a totally unexpected place. The best part I can

feel Josh around me like he literally left part of himself into the Center

for me to find. Sometimes when it’s really quite I swear I hear his voice

saying “Good job bro”. Then again maybe I’m just coping. I’m not past

his death I never will be. But thanks to Hershel, Ana, and all of the

veterans that come in and out of the rehab center I definitely know

how to deal with it…

I Am From

I am from my mother’s home cooked meals

And addicting aromas filling our kitchen

I am from a father’s love for sports

And fun games of catch in the yard

I am from a brother’s echoing laugh

Letting me know everything is ok

I am a child in a loving family….

I am from a mother’s lack of love

And pain so deep it can fill the deepest well

I am from my father’s empty beer bottles

And the smell of alcohol on his breath as he left us

I am from my brother’s flag

A triangle of a flag in a quiet cemetery

I am a young man struggling to be all right….

I am from a mother’s undying love

Welcoming me back as if she had found me again.

I am from living without a father

And a stranger teaching me how to be a man

I am from my brother’s memory

The one thing that keeps me holding on

I am a stronger man than my father….

I am from memories

I am from sorrow

I am from new beginnings

I am me