UAD February 2015

[email protected]

F R E EFebruary 2015The Most Unusual Digest in America

Two convenientlocations:

Great FallsFederal Credit Union

Restrictions & qualification apply

The Extra Money You’ve Been Looking For...

• Low Rates

• Low Payments

• Extended Terms

• One Hour Loans

IS HERE! We have the financing

for you!

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500

www.GreatFallsfcu.com

Debbie Bodwell, NMLS#280336

VP, Mortgage Banker

181 Center Street | Auburn, ME 04210

P 207-777-1551 | F 207-777-1933

[email protected]

www.RMSmortgage.com/DebbieBodwellNMLS ID# 1760, ME Supervised Lender License No. SLM2537; Equal Housing Opportunity

Contact Debbie TODAY for all your mortgage needs!

See page 5 for our upcoming schedule!

Looking to BUY or SELL a HOME?Attend a FREE Home Buyer/Seller Education Class!

Voted Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s

Best Mortgage Company for 2014!

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST2015

Androscoggin ChamberPresident’s Award

Recipient

783-7039

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

February 20152

“There are no traffic jams on the extra mile.” — Zig Ziglar

I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTRecipient of the 2015 PRESIDENT’S AWARD

UAD staff who attended the AwardsBanquet (l to r):

Tim Rucker (Sales), Pam Ashby (Graphic Designer),

Thomas Hill (Internet Specialist) & Jimbo Marston (Owner)

Proud tobe part

of whatmakes

Lewiston/Auburn

GREAT!“A local treasure! Uncle Andy’s Digest engages its readers and lubricates

the wheels of commerce.” – Chip Morrison, Chamber President

S-sir, I'm afraid you'vegone mad with power."

"Of course I have. Youever tried going madwithout power? It's bor-ing, and no one listensto you!

HomeworkPolicy

Submitted by Jimbo

Here is an explanationof the school home-work policy:

Students should notspend more than 90minutes per night. Thistime should be bud-geted in the followingmanner:

15 minutes looking forassignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

15 minutes explainingwhy the teacher ismean and just does notlike children.

5 minutes in the bath-room.

10 minutes getting asnack.

18 minutes checkingtheir Facebook status.

6 minutes telling par-ents that the teachernever explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting atthe kitchen table wait-ing for Mom or Dad todo the assignment.


Jimbo

February 2015 UncleAndys.com 3

If you're a Repo Man, what you seize is what you get.

WENT TO THE DENTIST AND NOW I'M USING ALL CAPS.

*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.

Ron Ouellette*207-786-3612

Lewiston

Kim Pelkey*207-786-2573

Lewiston/Norway

Paul Colasante*207-782-8823

Lewiston

Michael Courtemanche*207-783-8921

Lewiston

Dick Courtemanche207-786-3622

Lewiston

Forest Cluff*207-725-4606

Brunswick

Deb Wagemann*207-783-8804

Auburn

Art Chamberlain207-514-7003

Lewiston

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

February 2015Thursday, Feb 5thDubois Café 7am – 10am(Chapter 14437)906 Sabattus St, Lewiston$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest

Saturday, Feb 7thRed Claws vs WestchesterKnicks 7pm(Chapter 14346)Portland Expo$4

Tuesday, Feb 10thSam’s Noon – 7pm(Chapter 8609)Marketplace Mall, Lewiston$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest

Wednesday, Feb 18th99 Restaurant 4pm - 7pm(Chapter 12907)650 Center St, Auburn$8.50 Member; $9.50 Guest

Saturday, Feb 21stKC Sacred Heart Bean Sup-per 4:30-5:30pm(Chapter 10589)8 Sacred Heart Place,Auburn$5 Member; $6 Guest

Sunday, Feb 22ndFlagship Cinema(Chapter12749)Lewiston/Auburn$4 Member;$5.50 Guest

Tuesday. Feb 24thAri’s Pizza 11:30 – 1pm(Chapter 10929)457 Main St, Norway$5 Member

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWEDPrices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. Ifadditional info is needed, please call our office,please do not call restaurants. All activities canonly be attended at the times listed.

*************************Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up theweek prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

Happy

Valentine’s!

783-7039


Jimbo

February 20154

It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross theroad.

Maybe I should just start feeding the puppy wood furniture.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTis published by the first

Friday of every month by MaineMountain Ocean Group, Inc.with offices at 9 Grove Street,

Auburn, ME.

It is distributed free throughoutCentral Maine and mailed tosubscribers all over the world.

Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to: P.O. Box 3363,

Auburn, ME 04212

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

MAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363

Auburn, ME 04212

EMAIL: [email protected]

PHONE: 207 783-7039

FAX: 207 777-3898

UncleAndysDigest.com

Production Staff

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in ourclient’s advertisements and our publication ingeneral, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inac-curacies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

Mike & JoeAdkins,licensed

denturists

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances AcceptedWe also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider

AFFORDABLE DENTURES

SMILE AGAIN DENTURESFREE CONSULTATIONS

SmileAgainDentures.comOr email us at:

[email protected]

Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Also see us for:• Full Dentures

• Immediate Dentures

• Partial Dentures

• Rebases

• Relines

• Repairs

• All work done in house,

including metal frameworks

JIMBO

Jack of all

trades,

master of

none.

TIM

Marketing

Consultant.

THOMAS

Internet

Specialist.

PAM

Graphic

Design.


Jimbo


The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of themevenly into one hour.

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant." – Anne Bradstreet

Debbie Bodwell, NMLS#280336VP, Mortgage Banker181 Center Street | Auburn, ME 04210P 207-777-1551 | F [email protected]/DebbieBodwell

NMLS ID# 1760, ME Supervised Lender License No. SLM2537 Equal Housing Opportunity

To Attend a FREE Home Buyer/Seller Education Class

When: Wednesdays: February 11th, February 25th March 11th, March 25th

Time: 6:30 – 7:30pm

Where: Residential Mortgage Services 181 Center St, Auburn, ME

Voted Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s

Best Mortgage Company for 2014!

You’re Invited...

Speaker: Debbie BodwellCome join us and find out about programs that can help you

on your way to home ownership!

• Shopping for a Home Mortgage • Understanding Qualifying Factors

• Mortgage Myths & Misconceptions • The Prequalification Process

Seating is limited – MUST PRE-REGISTERvia email: [email protected]

or call 207-777-1551Light refreshments will be served.

For information purposes only and is not a commitment to lend. Programs, rates, terms and conditions are subject to change at any time. Availability dependent upon approvedcredit and documentation, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Not all programs available in all areas. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation head-quartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. MMLS ID #1760; ME Supervised Lender License #SLM2537; CT Mortgage Correspondent Lender License#14352; Licensed by the Delaware State Bank Commissioner to engage in business in Delaware, License #017813; FL Mortgage Lender License #MLD232; MA Mortgage LenderLicense #MC1760; MD Mortgage Broker License #21114; Licensed by the New Hampshire Banking Department, NH Mortgage Banker License #8816-MB; Licensed NJ first mortgage lender; Ohio MB Exemption MBMB.850210.000; Licensed Mortgage Lender #44857; RI Licensed Lender #20092626LL; RI Licensed Loan Broker #20122931LB.

SWEETHEARTS!

Scott Wagner & Karen Bergeron

Cassandra Doak& Matthew Baker

Christine & Mike Cote

We had a FANTASTIC response to our request

for sweetheart pics. We hope you enjoy

all the love!Keep reading to find out who

our winners are!!

783-7039


Jimbo

February 20156

I’m not stalking. I'm researching.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you start this thing?"

777-1520Flower Shoppe

Sweet Pea Designs

FREE Delivery in L/A

SweetPeaFloralDesignsme.com

Caring family dentist & specialists • Now Offering Implants $2,999

New Patient Special$88 Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays

488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-8800 • www.androscoggindentalgroup.com

“Affordable Dental Excellence”

Michelle Higgins, Lynn Norris & Peg MontoyaPamper your sweetheartthis Valentine's Day!

Gift Certificates AvailableTues – Thurs 9am - 7pm; Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pm

232 Center Street, Auburn753-9368

(next to Play It Again Sports)

Owner/StylistStylist Stylist

That’s NutsSubmitted by Thomas Hill

John is out with hisfriends and stops byhis grandmother’shouse for a visit.

There’s a bowl ofpeanuts on the coffeetable, and John and hisfriends start snackingon them.

When they’re ready toleave, his friends say,"Nice to meet you,ma’am, and thank youfor the peanuts."

Grandma says, "You’rewelcome. Ever since Ilost my dentures, all Ican do is suck thechocolate off of them."

Round SheGoes

Submitted by Jimbo

After I bought mymother a compact-discplayer and some CDs,she was excited to dis-cover she no longerneeded to rewind orfast-forward tapes ormove the needle onher record player.

Knowing she was notthat technically astute,I called her a few dayslater to see how shewas managing. "Fine. Ilistened to ShaniaTwain this morning,"she said.

"The whole CD?" Iasked.

"No," she replied, "justone side."


Jimbo


The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I texted her and said, "Did you get my drift?"

Thomas to Jimbo: I wasn't sleeping. My desk was bleeding, so I was applying pressure,with my head.

ADOS: Attention Deficient – Ooh, shiny…

272 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 577-5979 • Prime360Training.com BJ Grondin, CSCS

Group ClassesOne-on-One Training

Nutrition ServicesTeam Training

Get In Shape!You know you want to.

Buy 2 months ofclasses get the

3rd month FREE!Limit one per person.

Call for details.

✃Expires 2.28.15

3 Individual Training Sessions

for just $99.~ Introductory pricing ~

Limit one per person. Call for details.

✃Expires 2.28.15

Call us TODAY!You’ll be glad you did!!

103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • RailsMaine.comMonday - Thursday 11am - 9pm; Friday & Saturday 11am - 10pm

• Locally Owned• Thoughtfully Sourced• Made from Scratch• Maine Craft Artisans

Come Celebrate Mardi Gras with Us!

Reserve our function room foryour next party or

event!

February 9th - 17th• Drink Specials - Hurricanes, Sazerac, Hand Grenade• King Cake • Serving Chicken Okra Gumbo Soup

Special Menu Mardi Gras Night, Feb. 17thBook Your Reservations Now!

SWEETHEARTS!

Don & HeidiCovert

Lisa & DuncanPhilbrick

Gene Couillard & Pam Foulke

Q: What did the catsay after eating two

robins lying in the sun?

A: I just love baskin’robins.

783-7039


Jimbo

February 20158

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me.

Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy marshmallows, which is kind of the samething.

SWEETHEARTS!

Genevieve Hering& Colby Michaud

Jamie McClendon &Stephanie Arsenault

Jared & SarahLegare

sweethearts since college,May 27th will be their 15th

Anniversary!


Jimbo


We're not retreating; we're advancing in a different direction.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And spiders…

Dad’s Catering Division

It’s not too early to book your spring and summer events!

345-9009 DadsPlace.info

Weddings • Summer Events • ReunionsCompany Parties

Indoors or Outdoors – We do it all!

Call Diana or Larry formore info and pricing!

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

Not to be combined with any other special.Expires 2.28.15

✃

Let Dad do thecookin’!

Over 200 menu items

to choose from!

FREE COFFEE EVERYDAY!Free coffee with purchase of any

Breakfast Sandwich EVERYDAY in February!

exp. 2.28.15

Baby, it’sCOLD

outside!

Our $10 GIANTone-topping pizza is sure to

warm you up!!

SWEETHEARTS!

Crystal Robinson& Jeffrey Cote

Glenn Foss &Darcy Ames

Colleen & DaveVerreault

Q: What is the differ-ence between a dress-maker and a farmer?

A: A dressmaker sewswhat she gathers, a farmer

gathers what he sows.

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201510

Bring ideas in and entertain them royally for one of them may be the king.

Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.

Lisa-Marie Sasseville, IPDH

241-0667137 East Ave, LewistonSassevilleHealthySmile.com

4COMFORTABLE 4CARING 4STRESS-FREEAffordable, Personalized Dental Hygiene.

Dental Hygiene & Wellness

New Patients Receive

10% OFFFirst Visit with ad.

Early evening & Saturday appointments

available!Dental Cleanings

Oral Cancer Assessments

Sealants

All Ages Welcome

Fluoride Treatments

Athletic Mouth Guards

Most Insurances Accepted

No Referrals Needed

5 Pigeon Hill Rd (Rte 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577Mon - Fri: 7am - 2pm; Sat - Sun: 6am - 2pm

Serving breakfast & lunch daily.Breakfast available all day!

GREAT COMFORT FOODWe think you’ll find it’s Egg-ceptional!

“Home of theDouble Yolker”

Egg-ceptional Restaurant

$1.00 OFF

one coupon per visitNot to be combined w/ any

other Specials

✃Expires 02.28.15

when you spend $10 or more

10% off larger orders!

UAD

733 Sabattus St. Lewiston777-7200 • 866-264-7685 • ThriftyCarMart.com

Bring Your Tax Return & Select the Vehicle of Your Choice!

Tax TimeSavings!

We Finance!

SWEETHEARTS!

Jeff Tveraas &Debbie Schmidt

Now in Austin, Texas. Jeff used to do graphicdesign for Uncle Andy’sDigest back in the day!

Denise & JeromeLizotte

Karen & Jim Albert

NEXT Level Business Coaching . biz207-754-2003

Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Business is no laughing matter(unless you’re Jimbo)

MATCH THE NAME WITH THE BUSINESS

Let’s make a Dill New Mexican restaurant Flantastic An old-fashioned deli A Slice Is Right Mexican desert bar Hunan Resources A pizza joint Silent but Dehli A sports bar Jockular An up-scale Mexican restaurant Spruce SpringClean A new Lewiston fast food joint Lord of the Fries A large Chinese restaurant Tequila MockinBird An up-scale cleaning firm

Business Quiz

That fun quiz was just to get you in the mood – to look at your business. If you reallylook at YOU and YOUR BUSINESS, what do you see? Are there changes/improvementsyou need to make? If you have had these challenges for a while; working too hard,managing time, cash, people or the work itself, Please give us a call. You know yourbusiness better than anybody! WE ARE BUSINESS COACHES – LET US HELP YOUMAKE IT GREAT!!

Kurk Lalemand, Business Coach; Erna Koch, CPBC; Rose Creps, Financial Analyst

Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201512

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Weight StudySubmitted by Jimbo

One time when I washome visiting my folks,my mom asked me toset the table for dinner.

I opened the refrigera-tor and taped to the in-side of the door was arisque picture of alovely, slender, per-fectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" Iasked.

"Oh, I put that up thereto remind me not toover-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she ex-plained. "I've lost 15pounds, but your dadhas gained 20!"

The BachelorCookbook

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Two confirmed bache-lors sat talking, theirconversation driftedfrom politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbookonce," said one, "but Icould never do any-thing with it."

"Too much fancy workin it, eh?" asked theother.

"You said it - Every oneof the recipes beganthe same way - 'Take aclean dish.'"


Jimbo


Rembrandt painted 700 pictures in his life time and art collectors have all 7,000 of them.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here."

Checking the time twice because you forgot it the first time.

Realistic Solutions for Your Legal Needs!Honesty. Tenacity. Courage.

We specialize in: Litigation, Divorce, Family Matters, Evictions for Landlords, Estate Planning & Court-Appointed matters.

The Law Offices of Kimberly A. Levesque, Esq.

207-440-2130 87 Essex Street, Lewiston (inside the Action Computer Services building)

Call for your FREEconsultation!

Ask About Home Visits!

THE 2ND AMENDMENT IS NOT ABOUT HUNTING

CC Permit • Basic • Advanced

Bill RousseauNRA - Law Enforcement

576-6961

Don MailhotNRA - Law Enforcement576-5131

Learn how to defend yourself and your family.

NRA Certified Instruction

rdtacticalhandgun.com

Check our website & Facebook page for current & upcoming SPRING Classes!

SWEETHEARTS!

Lise & JeffLothrop

Married June 24 1978 andstill going strong

Lynn Poor & Gordon Frank

Mandy & NickZielinski

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201514

SON OF A B…iscuit. Oh, hey mom…

I have been single for a while, and I have to say; It’s going very well. Like, it’s working out. I think I’m the one.

HUGE DISCOUNTSon Kitchen Cabinets & Flooring

Our Gift Cards makeperfect Gifts!

and Qualit

y

^

675 Main Street, LewistonMon – Fri 8am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 4pm

ShermArnoldsOutlet.com

782-0831

15% OFF

All Tile & Vinyl

Rems

SWEETHEARTS!

Pam & PatVeilleux

Pat Malcuit & JimMalcuit with Ginger

Cortney & PaulBrunelle

with their boys, Paul & Dominic

Q: What do you call analligator in a vest?

A: An Investigator


Jimbo


For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Don’t spend $18+ at thebeauty salon, get your...

Marcel’sBarber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Mens & Boys CUTS forAll day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

$12L K

For the month of February

Cassiels.com • 71 East Ave. Lewiston • 783-3321

Where Good Skaters

Meet

Since1954

Available for private parties

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940www.rollodrome.com

WINTER SCHEDULESchool Vacation Skate

Wednesday - 1:30 - 4:00

Thursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00

Saturday & Sunday - 1:30 - 4pm

Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

RollodromeRollodrome

One Hour Massage For CouplesRose Scented Pedicures

Complimentary Chocolate covered StrawberriesChampagne with every side by side service!

SWEETHEARTS!

Maria Carbone &Jessie Burlock

Monica & MichaelMarin

DIYSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Every year on my birth-day, I looked forward tomy aunt’s gift—a scarf,hat, or sweater knittedby hand.

One year, she musthave had better thingsto do because I re-ceived a ball of yarn,knitting needles, and ahow-to-knit book.

Her card read "Scarf,some assembly required."

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201516You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

Get A Healthy

Dose of VEGGIES

brought to you in part by:

Saturday March 7th8pm - Midnight

American Legion Post 150, Mechanic FallsTickets: $15/per person

Proceeds Benefit All the Programs of the Mechanic Falls Recreation Department

Door Prizes • 50/50 Dancing & Lots of Fun!

Tickets can be purchased in advance at Bryant Energy in Mechanic Falls orCall Jeff Martin at 577-9243 or email [email protected]

SWEETHEARTS!

“Razor Ray” Beaudoin & Sue Tracy

Razor Ray was a long-time contributor to UAD.

Ron & NicholeMajor

Ron & Peggy Polley

Q: What happenedwhen wheel was

invented?

A: A revolution occurred


Jimbo


A pun spun with a good yarn gets fabricated!

CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.

I heard Einstein got along well with his parents ... relatively speaking.

Pick a Proven WinnerChoosing a Real Estate Agent can be difficult.

Choose one with a proven track record!

Rollie Heckethorn:• Licensed in Real Estate since 1988• 2014 AVBOR Realtor of the Year• Assisting buyers & sellers of residential,

commercial & investment properties allover the state of Maine

Rollie Heckethorn207-344-0007

www.DunhamRealty.com • Office: 207-729-7297

Well versed in home buyer programs.Call Today!

Three HymnsSubmitted by Thomas Hill

One Sunday a pastortold the congregationthat the church neededsome extra money andasked the people toprayerfully considergiving a little extra inthe offering plate. Hesaid that whoever gavethe most would be ableto pick out three hymns.

After the offering plateswere passed, the pas-tor glanced down andnoticed that someonehad placed a $1,000bill in offering.

He was so excited thathe immediately sharedhis joy with his congre-gation and said he'dlike to personally thankthe person who placedthe money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly,saintly lady all the wayin the back shyly raisedher hand.

The pastor asked herto come to the front.

Slowly she made herway to the pastor.

He told her how won-derful it was that shegave so much and inthanksgiving asked herto pick out threehymns.

Her eyes brightened asshe looked over thecongregation, pointedto the three hand-somest men in thebuilding and said, "I'll take him, and him,and him."

Out ’n About at theChamber Awards

Banquet

Chip MorrisonAndroscoggin Chamber Presi-dent will retire later this year.

If I have seen further it is by

standing on the shoulders of

giants.

I just don’t have time for the nervous breakdown that I deserve.

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201518

Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.

It was so cold... When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!

An IMPOSSIBLE Brain Teaser

Answers are on page 47. But at least give it a shot first!

Used by permission www.spelling-words-well.com

SWEETHEARTS!

Sherri & ChadSylvester

Steve & PamHecker

Shawn Leone & Alicia Baril

Q: Which U.S. Statehas the smallest soft

drinks?

A: Mini-soda


Jimbo


It was so cold... Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

Insanity you say? We like to call it “Personal Happiness”.

Wire electrical jobs so fun?

Visit our award winning website www.brendafontaine.com

161 Lincoln St. • Lewiston

784-7042LabadiesBakery.com

Mon. 6am-noon • Tues-Fri 6am-3pm

Every FridayBuy 1 dozen donuts atregular price ($7.50)

and get the 2nd dozenat half price!

$11.25 for both

Whoopie SpecialBuy 1 dozen get

the 2nd dozen forOnly $1.00with couponIn-Store Only

Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

✃

Get Your

Sweetheart a

Heart-shaped

Donut!

Over InsuredSubmitted by Jimbo

The insurance agency Iwork for draws busi-ness from a retirementcommunity. Once,when applying for autoinsurance for a client, Iasked him how manymiles he drives in ayear. He said he didn’tknow.

"Well, do you drive10,000 miles a year?" Iasked, "or 5,000?"

He said the numberssounded high. "Whatmonth is this?" heasked. I told him it wasJuly.

"Maybe this will help,"he said. "I filled the carwith gas in February."

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201520

I'm not in denial; I'm just selective about the realities I accept.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

www.rainbowfcu.com

SWEETHEARTS!

Venise & Tony PrattStill madly in love

Trisha Marston &John Acker

Tisha & ShawnBlais

Another Day at theDigest office...

Thomas to Jimbo:

“My memory is sobad!”

“How bad is it?”

“How bad is what?”


Jimbo


It was so cold... I chipped a tooth on my soup!

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

It was so cold... We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!

PROTECTINGWhat You Love.

What You Do.

What You Cherish..

commercial home auto recreational umbrella life health

232 Center St., Auburn

786-0417

Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm

VarneyAgency.com

Kerrie RobbinsCommercial Insurance

Specialist

“Try us once,

you’ll be a regular!”

OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET

For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!

2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

Sweetheart Headquarters!

Brad, Kaitlyn, Drew, Lauren & Angela

ANY LARGE PIZZA!

$3 OFFLimit one per customer per visit

(UAD) Expires 2.28.15

PleaseKeepItLocal

SWEETHEARTS!

Tim & VickieRucker

21st Valentine's Day

Tim & ShaniSmith

29th Valentine's Day

Steve & Sasha Vurnakes

Q: What do you getwhen you cross an elephant and a skin

doctor?

A: A pachydermatologist.

Chip &Jane Morrison,

sweethearts sharing a moment during the festivities at

the Ramada in Lewiston. Chip, Androscoggin Chamber President, will re-

tire from his long-time position later this year.

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201522

When the investor came home from work he was spent.

A whopping 542,629 acres of Maine is a part of national and state parks.

The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.

LuiggisPizzeria.com

Since 1953

MONDAYThe Fergy

TUESDAYMeatball Subs

WEDNESDAYSpaghetti Dinners

1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink

THURSDAYMini Pizza

FRIDAY$1.00 OFF

Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY2 Ham or Salami

Italians

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $5.50

SUNDAYBaked Ziti

$6.00 sm $2.50 lg $5.00

sm $3.35 w/ch $3.99lg $6.50 w/ch $7.50 $5.25

1 topping $2.992 toppings $3.99

$7.99

Mon-Sun: 9am - 10pm

SWEETHEARTS!

Ernie & PattiGagne

Josh Pelletier &Steph Gagne

Yohanan Svitavsky& Stephanie Gravel

Lori Gagne &Bill Gagne

Photo credit: Bell Photography,Gray, ME

Out ’nAbout

at the ChamberAwards Banquet

It’s been one heck of aride, honey...


Jimbo


The Acadia National Park is the second most-visited national park in America.

He made a slow start in the sport of weightlifting but he picked it up eventually.

�

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Ray Hurillaof Ray Hurilla Plumbingand Heating is a sole pro-prietorship. His home-based business islocated in Lewiston. Ray is a Master OilBurner Technician andalso a Master Plumber.He is licensed and in-sured in the state ofMaine with over 15 yearsexperience. Providing advice andassistance to residentialcustomers on new instal-lations (new constructionand existing homes) andservice of their oil heatingsystems. His many years of ex-perience in trouble shoot-ing with older systemsreally benefit many ofRay’s customers. Relyingheavily on referrals fromsatisfied customers, hemakes sure the job isdone right the first time. Contact Ray HurillaPlumbing and Heating at485-7357, visit his website: rayhurillaplumbingand-heating.com, find him onFacebook and most im-portantly, see his ad onpage 30.

Q: What is that no manever saw which never

was but always willbe?

A: Tomorrow

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201524

The state of Maine is estimated to contain 6,000 lakes and ponds.

If you wanna see the rainbow you must first endure the rain.

Microsoft: You've got questions; we've got dancing paperclips.

Friday NightsLive!

2/6 American RideMaine

2/13 Tina KellyBand

2/20 Midlife Krisis 2/27 Bad Penny

SaturdayNights

Mixers is theHOTTESTNight spot

around!

136 Sabattus Road, Sabattus(Across from Cumberland Farms)

375-4188

We close out the weekend every Sunday with the original Retro Party!!

Winter Punderland


As we waited for a busin the frosty weather,the woman next to mementioned that shemakes a lot of mis-takes when texting inthe cold.

I nodded knowingly.“It’s the early signs oftypothermia.”

So a dog walks into abar and asks the bar-tender, “Do you haveany jobs?”

The bartender says, “Why don’t you try thecircus?”

The dog replies, “Whywould the circus needa bartender?”

Rare Company

Submitted by Jimbo

A factory owner said toa store owner, "Thankyou, Mr. Smith, for yourpatronage. I wish I hadtwenty customers likeyou."

"Wow, it's nice to hearthat, but I'm kind ofsurprised," admittedSmith. "You know that Iargue every bill and al-ways pay late."

The factory owner said,"I'd still like twenty cus-tomers like you. Theproblem is, I have twohundred."

I do five sit-ups every morning... It may not sound like many but there are only so manytimes you can hit the snooze button.

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.


Jimbo


“The greatest science in the world; in heaven and on earth; is love.” – Mother Teresa

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

181 Sabattus Rd., Sabattus

BURLESQUE

Evening classes offer the privacythat is essential to experience theproper atmosphere of Burlesque!

With the lights dimmed downlow the room warmed with body

heat, pointed toes for instant sexiness and slippery chairs

for easier glide.BURLESQUE Chair

SHOULD be in EVERY Woman’s life!

Don’t let the class atmospheremislead you ~

Burlesque Chair is a TOTALBody aerobic workout withthe sexy kick that we forget

we ALL can have!

Check out our Complete Class Schedule

Visit our website:

www.SPRQstudio.com

Burlesque Chair WorkoutsCome find out what the buzz is all about!

SPRQ Burlesque Performance Workshops

Beginning week of March 23rd (day of week & time TBA)

Ranging from $75 - $150 per person

Includes Full Burlesque Costume (3 choices)

5 weeks of performance training with leg/core/ab fitness segments

A friends/family LIVE PREVIEW Performance at the end!

SWEETHEARTS!

Tj Niles & JasmineKronstrand

Amy Knight &Mark Brookes

John & CorrinaTancrede

Married 21 years

Ann & Dan Dumais

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201526

In 1623, America's first sawmill was established in York, Maine.

My skiing skills are really going downhill.

Local Radio... The Way It Should Be!

The only FM Station just for the L/A Area!!

4 WAYS TO LISTEN: Around L/A at 105.5-FM & 1240-AM,

Online at www.z1055.com & Tune-In App.

• The Hits of TodayShake It Off/Taylor Swift, Stay With Me/Sam Smith, Am I Wrong?/Nico & Vinz, Maps/Maroon 5, Rude/Magic, Try/Col-bie Caillat, All About That Bass/Megan Trainor... and much more.

• And Classic HitsSongs from the 80’s thru Today!

• Breakfast Club with Matty BLive interviews with local guests Monday – Friday 6-10am. Local News & Sports

• Great Music All Day10am-2pm: “Rush Hours” with Jeremy Rush. “Retro Lunch” 12-1pm2-6pm: The “Dean” of Radio, Dave Dean LIVE weekdays.4-5pm: Dave’s “Friday Free For All”, featuring local artists.6pm-12am: The “Night Shift” with L/A’s own Gene Cassidy.Sat 8-11am: Z105.5 Top 30 Countdown.

SWEETHEARTS!

Cassandra & KyleMann

Danny & JenBanker

Brittanie & AdamFirst Dance

Darlene Hersom & Brian Benoit


Jimbo


“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra

“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” — Woodrow Wilson

I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.

Valentine’s DanceFebruary 14th • 8pm - 12midnight

Heart Necklace Door PrizeAll Ladies will receive a Rose

Friends of Bonnie &

Larry PelletierPlease Join Us for a Benefit Spaghetti Dinner

Saturday Feb. 28th 5-6:30pm$5/per person • Lots of Raffle Items and 50/50 drawing!

$1.25 Every Tuesday & Wednesday Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light & PBR Cans

NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 782-9039

SWEETHEARTS!

Greg & TracyDubois

Jim & Jeanne Sullivanmarried 50 years

Deanna & ShaneLaccase

Jocelyn French &Steven Sidelinger

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

87 Mill St.New Auburn753-0171

(for take-out)

• Unusual Omelettes• Crepes• Breakfast All Day• Extensive Menu

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!Rolly’s Diner

Rolly’s Diner was proud to receive the Small BusinessLeadership Award from the Androscoggin Chamber on

Thursday, January 22.

*Photo credit: Bell Photography Gray, ME

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201528

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Assisted Home Care II“Our Family

Assisting Your Family”

11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org

Assisting Families since 1997.

• Registered Home Health Care Service Agency• Private Duty Care & Staff Relief• 24 hour Personal Care and Response• Guarantee Continuity of Caregivers• Assist with Independent Living at Home

Now expanding our services to the Midcoast Region!

Wrinkle CreamSubmitted by Thomas Hill

A nine-year-old girlwalked in while hermom was getting readyfor work. "What areyou doing?" she asked.

"Putting on my wrinklecream," her mom an-swered.

"Oh," she said, walkingaway. "I thought theywere natural."

Blind DateSubmitted by Thomas Hill

"How was your blinddate?"

"Terrible! She showedup in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"What’s so terribleabout that?"

“She was the originalowner."

Guerrilla Marketing!

Submitted by Jimbo

A new hair salonopened up for businessright across the streetfrom the old estab-lished hair cutters'place.

They put up a big boldsign which read:"WE GIVE $7 HAIRCUTS!"

Not to be outdone, theold Master Barber putup his own sign:"WE FIX $7 HAIRCUTS".

Linda Arel, Jessica Campbell & Kelly Ryder

Kim Beth, Tyler Barnies & Mykayla McCann

Out ’n About at Day’s Jewelers in Auburn

Shopping for jewelry?

Well yeah!

Tyler is so tall you can put myvoice bubble right

above my head.

How convenient!


Jimbo


If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items

• Firearm Laws Will Be Observed

• CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUEGUNS OF ALL KINDS

• KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS

Admission: Adults: $8Children under 12: Free with adult

Dealers from

throughout

New England

Auburn Exchange Club’s39th Annual Twin Cities

GUN SHOWSAT. MARCH 28th 9-4SUN. MARCH 29th 9-3

at the

LewistonArmoryCentral Ave.,

Lewiston

SWEETHEARTS!

Tammy Clavet-Bureau& Marc Bureau

in Las Vegas 17 years ago

Maria Carbone & Jesse Burlock

Lou & Connie ClavetOld Orchard 45 years ago

Richard Patrie & Melissa Ann

I could hide for days in the laundry hamper because no one in my house knows how to open the lid.

• Driveways • Porches• Patios • Steps• Walkways • Poolscapes

Assisted HomeCare II

11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org

“Our Family Assisting Your Family”

Now expanding our services to the

Midcoast Region!

See page 28 to learn more about

the services we offer.

CALL THE PROS

Affordable Office Solutions | 550 Lisbon St., Lewistoncubiclesinmaine.com | 783-4820 or Toll Free 866-464-CUBE

BookkeepingPlus

QuickBooks Classes OfferedBookkeeping Services

9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

CALL TODAY! 485-7357

$AVE on Your Heating Bills!FREE Heating System

Inspection & Evaluation

Ray Hurilla Plumbing & Heating207-485-7357

RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com

1761 Lisbon Road, Lewiston(next to the Elks Lodge)

956-1793

Like us on

Hours: Tues - Fri 10am - 5pmSat 10am - 1pm

Specializing inStraight Razor Blade

Cuts & Hot LatherShaves

34 Center St. Auburn

333-3069yourbestskinofmaine.com

• Botox & Fillers• Spider Vein Removal• Rosacea Treatment• Spot Fat Reduction• Tattoo Removal• Reduce Wrinkles,

Spots & Scars• Acne Treatment• Laser & Hydra Facial

MD Treatments

FREEConsultation

Now Hiring Stylist!Apply within

Paul Mitchell Focus Salon

954 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 241-0205

Our Gift Cards make great Valentine’s gifts!

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

How young can you die of old age? – Steven Wright

“I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.” – Bridger Winegar

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)

DAD’S PLACEREDEMPTION

✃

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551

6¢on all 5¢ returns with this coupon.

(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)

UAD expires 2.28.15

Bottle Drives

Welcome!

Dad’s Redemption

MORE FOR YOUR $$MORE FOR YOUR $$

Get more for your returnsat Dad’s!

SWEETHEARTS!

Cheryl & Pete Godin

Pam Ashby & Brian Craig

Rachel Flannery &Michael Harrington

Paul & AnitaGagne

Local Music Line-upPresented by:

FRIDAY FREE FOR ALLLive on the air every

Friday 4–5pm.Tune into Z105.5FM

BROOKELACHANCEFebruary 6th

JOEBRIEN

February 13th

COLONBLOW

February 20th

WALTER WEYMOUTH

February 27th

A special thanks to Eddie Boucher of

EAB International (music line-up)

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201532

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

10% OFF Your First Snow PlowingCommercial & Residential

FREEQUOTES

SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTINGSNOW REMOVAL

Morinexcavating

Inc.

Andy Morin207.784.8293

cell: [email protected]

In Celebration of

Chinese New Year!

All take-out orders will receive a Red Envelope with$ in it! The 50th take-out order will have a $50.00

Gift Certificate in their envelope!

730 Center Street, Auburn • Auburn Plaza • 376-4855 • jasminecafemaine.com

5% of all Take-Out Orderswill be donated to theAuburn Knights of Columbus

Live Entertainment Valentines Evening!Book ReservationsToday!

BackfiredSubmitted by Jimbo

One day a little girl wassitting and watchingher mother do thedishes at the kitchensink.

She suddenly noticedthat her mother hadseveral strands ofwhite hair sticking outin contrast to herbrunette head.

She looked at hermother and inquisi-tively asked, "Why aresome of your hairswhite, Mommy?"

Her mother replied,"Well, every time thatyou do somethingwrong and make mecry or unhappy, one ofmy hairs turns white."

The little girl thoughtabout this revelation fora while and then said,"Mommy, how comeALL of grandma's hairsare white?"

Family TiesSubmitted by Thomas Hill

On New Year's Eve,Marilyn stood up in thelocal pub and said thatit was time to getready. At the stroke ofmidnight, she wantedevery husband to bestanding next to theone person who madehis life worth living.

As the clock struck, thebartender was almostcrushed to death.

Patti Gagneof the Patti GagneAgency accepts theRay Geiger Award (flanked by Chip Morri-son, Matt Jancovic &Clif Greim)

Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME


Banquet


Jimbo


What do butterflies feel when they're in love?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

What do birdies see when they faint?

JT Reid’s Gun Show & Auction

Gun Show - $5/per person

(Under 16 & Active Military FREE)

Concealed Firearms Prohibited even with permit

Auction - Sat. at 6pm

Maine Law Enforcement Confiscated Firearms and Estate Firearms*

*Now Accepting Personal & Estate Firearms for Auction.

Call JT Reids Gun Shop 777-3579 • 86 Court St. Auburn • jtreidsgunshop.com

Saturday April 11th 9am - 4pmSunday April 12th 9am - 2pm

Elks Lodge, 108 Odlion Road in Bangor


Banquet

Brian Craig &Pam Ashby

Uncle Andy’s Digest

Thomas HillUncle Andy’s Digest

Tim & VickieRucker

Uncle Andy’s Digest

I wonder what I’m thinking...

Tim loves being married to

the total package.

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201534

A closed mind is a good thing to lose.

I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this, the dog?

Justin & CourtneyVincentDr. Chen & Lily Chen

Auburn Plaza Dentistry

Jonathon &

Sheena Burgin

Lisa & NathanBolduc

Shannon & GregWebster

Shane Smith &

Sarah Dailey

Kelli Gilzow & Chad Stowell

SWEETHEARTS!

Daryl & Bonnie

Caron

Heather Maxim-Bar-

nett & Mark Barnett

sweethearts since 1999

Tiffany & Casey

Victoria Rogers &Kevin McBean


Banquet

Art ChamberlainModern Woodmen of America


Laurie OuelletteSweet Pea Designs


Kohen SteeleDon’s Automotive


Quite honestly, I believe the Patriotsdeserve an apology.

Ryan’s Cream750ml $9.99

Save $3

RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE

5 Locations for Your Convenience

694 Main St.

Lewiston • 782-1482

794 Sabattus St.


1420 Lisbon St.


545 Minot Ave.

Auburn • 783-2047

303-311 Main St.

Auburn • 783-9098

Sabattus Street, Lewiston Lisbon Street, Lewiston Main Street, Auburn

Minot Ave, Auburn Main Street, Lewiston

WHAT’S BREWINGAND ALWAYS NEW

YOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERS

Since 1992

ATM’s onsite & Lottery/Megabucks!

ROOPERS

LISBON ST.

Now Selling

Liquor!

Ole Smokey MoonshineAll Varietals 750ml

$22.99Save $3

Jack Daniels750ml $21.99

Save $3

Pallini Limoncello750ml $17.99

Save $5

Beer SpecialsShipyard 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99Sam Adams 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99PBR 18pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99Bud & Bud Light 18pks 16oz . . . . . . .$14.99Miller Lite & Coors Light 18pk 12oz . .$14.99Shock Top 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10.99Woodchuck 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12.99Long Trail 12pks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99

Wine SpecialsNoble Vines 750ml . . . . . . . . . .$8.99-$12.99Bota Box 3L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$16.99Twisted 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$18.99Josh 750ml . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12.99Robert Mondavi 750ml . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99

SodaCoke 12oz. 6pks . . . . . . . . .$1.79 or 2/$3.00

Dr.McGillicuddy’s

1.75$19.99Save $6

HPNOYIQ 750ml$16.99Save $5

New Walk-in Soda Cooler!

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201536

TOWNLINE ANTIQUES

Buying & Selling

837-3784

“If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet?” – Robin Alumbaugh

If you mix flour, water and salt you get glue. If you add eggs, baking powder and oil, you get cake. Where does the glue go?

THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave,

Auburn

784-8587 or (888) 895-6801AndroscogginOrtho.com

Join us for some Affordable FUN!

Pleasant Street Bingo Hall475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394

$10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $50 - $100

Sunday at 6:00PMWed., Thurs, & Friday

at 6:30PM

• Wheel alignment & balancing

• Complete brake work• Engine tune-up• Lube-oil-filter• State Inspections

60 Minot Ave., Auburn • 782-6666 or 783-2026

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE

OUR TIRES$10 OFFANY Servicewith Coupon!Happy Valentine’s

Day!!

We can do it:

FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983

A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. – Chinese proverb

WannabeSubmitted by Jimbo

Peter was telling afriend that he had justlost his job.

"Why did the foremanfire you?" the friendasked in surprise.

"Oh," Peter said, "youknow how foremen are.They stand around withtheir hands in theirpockets watchingeverybody else work."

"We all know that,"replied his friend. "Butwhy did he let you go?"

"Jealousy," answeredPeter. "All the otherworkers thought I wasthe foreman."

Mac’s Grill1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885 macsgrill.com

Call Mac’s for all your

catering needs!

Bring yoursweetheart toMac’s, you’ll

LOVE it!

Celebrate

Valentine’s

Weekend at

Mac’s!30% Off

all drafts everyMonday!

Come watch your favorite sporting event in our brand new

1,300 sq. ft. bar area. 11 TV’s • 16 beers on tapFull menu all the time!

20% Offall Burgers every

Monday!

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201538

If the world is spinning so quickly why don't we all get dizzy?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Ernie & Patti Gagne, Father Paul Dumais,Monique & Andy Gagne

Jimbo & SueMarston

Cullen, Christine & Gabby Walker

Abigail L'Heureux &Danielle Pelletier

Kim Haddon &

William Poirier

SWEETHEARTS!

Trevor Saunders & Pam Ashby (mom)

Bill, Stacy, Emily& AJ Redmun

Amy Wasilkowski & Nate Peterson

Generation GapSubmitted by Jimbo

I've got 3 TVs, cableand a satellite dish. Ihave 3 phone lines inthe house, a cell phoneand one in the car.

I use 2 computers, 3ISPs and a fax. I sub-scribe to two daily pa-pers and one weeklyone. I watch both thelocal and the networknews every evening.

And my kids have thenerve to tell me I'm outof touch.

Buckle UpSubmitted by Jimbo

I was driving with mythree young childrenone warm summerevening when awoman in the convert-ible ahead of us stoodup and waved.

She was stark naked!

As I was reeling fromthe shock, I heard myfive-year-old shoutfrom the back seat,"Mom! That lady isn'twearing a seat belt!"

Looking GoodSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Even at age 88, mymother was vain abouther looks. At a party, anold friend exclaimed,"Edith, you haven’tchanged in 20 years."

"Oh," said Mom, horri-fied. "I hope I didn’tlook like this 20 yearsago."


Jimbo


A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

Do not neglectyour Septic System

For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

ServiceRentalSales

We carry risers, covers,baffle replacements, septic additives.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNINGCO., INC.

111 Woodman Hill RDMinot, ME 04258

207.782.4508800.924.4500

Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke'.

I hate audio correct!

Now’s the time to quit smoking...

Try

136 Sabattus Rd, Sabattus • 577-0468

10% OFF with this adLimit one per person per visit

Exp. 2.28.15

Jen Pike, Erica Madore & Ashley SommaJen & Ashley are with Twin City Times,

Erica represents Austin Associates

Gettin’ with the Times

Goin’ Dental

Chelsea Letourneau & friendsof Center Street Dental

Ron & Marge PartridgeOwners of Dons Automotive accepted the

Lisbon Business of the Year Award from Joyce Gibson

Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet


Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201540

“Thought is free.” — William Shakespeare

With age comes wisdom. Apparently, wisdom weighs about 30 pounds.

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WHENYOU’RE

TIRED OFTHIS...

GIVE US A CALL!

Servicing the Mechanic Falls,Minot & Poland areas.

JMARPLOWING

Reasonable Rates

576-4844

Fully InsuredFree Quotes

SWEET

HEART WINNERS!Here are our

We had an incredible response to our social media callout for sweethearts to send us their photos. As you can

see the Digest is full of them. These 3 couples were ran-domly chosen as winners of our prize packages. All 3 will

get the same package:

A goodie bag from:

Romance Boutique

A Wind & Fire bracelet from:

Gift certificate from:

1/2 Dozen Chocolate covered Strawberries from:

Maine Gourmet Chocolates

$5 Gift card from:

Top It Frozen Yogurt Bar

Mikayla Welch & Tim Myers

We’re sure she said yes!

Mandy Cote & Justin Audette

Getting married in June

Whitney & Michael Lovely with their children, Bailey & Brody

Congratulat ions!

These three lucky coupleswill be contacted to pickup their prize packages.

Thank you to everyonewho participated. We hada great time with it! Andthank you to the sponsor-ing businesses who do-nated prizes!!

The team at Uncle Andy’s Digest


Jimbo

February 2015 UncleAndys.com 41Sometimes I feel like a #1 pencil at a standardized test location.

The cleanest dog will roll on the dirtiest thing- it's science.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Calling All LoversJoin us for dinner Valentine’s Weekend

Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com

Make Your reservations NOW! Q: If it took eight men

ten hours to build a wall,how long would it takefour men to build it?

A: No time at all, it is already built.

You’re OldSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Her college assign-ment was to interviewan "old person" abouthis life, so my nieceasked me, "What wasthe biggest historicalevent that happenedduring your child-hood?"

"I’d have to say the firstmoonwalk," I replied.

She looked disap-pointed. "That dancewas so important toyou?"

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201542

I’m exhausted. I spent all day saying “no” to my children and “yes” to my wife.

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

782-2135Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm

Sun. 11am - 5pm

A place where family & friends

gather for good food & cheer

at great prices!

Every Sunday: 12” Cheese Pizza - only $5.99$5 well Bloody Mary’s!

Stop in and try one of our Daily Specials!!

Welcomes...

Dustin Torres, Goldsmith

Dustin has 10 yrs experience in the Jewelry Industry!

Specializing in Handmade Jewelry

600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.com

2010 Lisbon Rd. Lewsiton • 782-1514 • premierpoolsandspas.com

Artesian 735L Spa• Energy Efficiency Package• 5-6 Seats w/Lounger• LED Lighting Upgrade• Ozonator

ONLY$4,999

(Retails @ $7,499)* Used as display at2 Home Shows

Out ’n About atDay’s Jewelers

in AuburnCatered by Dad’s Place

Yvonne Franklin

Larry Royaka DAD,

serves hors d'oeuvres tohappy shoppers

Let us cater your next event, party

or wedding!


Jimbo


A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Action may not always be happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

Out ’n About atDay’s Jewelers

in AuburnCatered by Dad’s Place

Mark PoulinManager of Day’s Jewelers

What a great turn out for our

Customer Appreciationnight. Thank you,

everyone!

Sue MarstonDad’s Place Catering

Service with a smile and bacon!

(wrapped scallops).

Q: How can you drop araw egg onto a con-crete floor without

cracking it?

A: Concrete floors arevery hard to crack!

F E E L I N G

L U C K Y ?Watch our Facebook page for our

upcoming St. Patrick’s Day contestwith fabulous prizes and possibly

a pot of gold.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201544

Why aren’t unripened oranges called greens?

Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

10:00am–event begins4:00-6:00pm–Poker Hands being dealt/dinner

6:00pm–Fireworks displayTrails running through Sabattus, Lewiston, Greene, Leeds and Turner, Maine.

Event to conclude at Glen Dube’s Excavation in Sabattus.


Banquet

Shawn & TanyaCornish

Jimbo Marston & Kurk Lalemand

of Next Level Business Coaching

Betsy Libby & Jean Blais


Shawn’s Lawns can’t come soon

enough!

Q: If you had three ap-ples and four orangesin one hand and fourapples and three or-anges in the other

hand, what would youhave?

A: Very large hands.


Jimbo


Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.” – Steven Wright

Out ’n About atPedro O’Hara’s

in Lewiston

High five right here, girlfriend!

with live music by The Whiskey Militia

Just wanna say

Hi to all mypeeps.

Q: How does a squidgo into battle?

A: Well armed

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201546

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you.” – Mary Bly

“You might be a redneck if… you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.” – Jeff Foxworthy

Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.

61 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.com

Come see us at our NEW Location!We’re now at

61 Mill Street in New Auburn

(in the old Pontbriand Hardware building)

The truth is out there. Anybody got the URL?

740-6316

Hours: Tue. Wed. Fri. 8-4Thurs. 8-5 • Sat. 8-12

Walk-insWelcome

$10 CUTS184 Turner St. Auburn (Next to Coastal T-shirts)

hwilliamsbarber.com

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Brad’s Precision Auto

• Appointments required• Fully warranteed & certified• $60/hr labor rate

NO PROBLEM!

333-0364 Brad’s mechanics: (front) Dan & Mallory(back) Marek, Eli & John

Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...

We love power

tools!

8 teachers offering lessons in:Guitar, piano, bass, voice, banjo, mandolin, violin, brass

& woodwinds & music theory

Authorized Fender Service Center 376-3376

134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

Main St. Music Lessons& Instrument Repair

Picks • StringsTuners

Metronomes

We carry quality new & used instruments • Call us for service on any instrument that needs repair.

CALL NOW TO BOOK YOUR LESSONS

Time TravelerSubmitted by Thomas Hill

If someone from the1950s suddenly ap-peared, what would bethe most difficult thingto explain about lifetoday?

One answer: “I possess a device inmy pocket that is capa-ble of accessing theentirety of informationknown to man. I use itto look at pictures ofcats and get into argu-ments with strangers.”


Jimbo


“You might be a redneck if… you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntingdog.” – Jeff Foxworthy

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

Your Sweetheart deserves the gift ofRELAXATION

185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200

Get her a Gift Certificate forthe Best Spa Pedicure in L/A!

Valentine Ball Updo Special!Book with Debbie (Basic Updo starts @ $25)

An IMPOSSIBLE Brain TeaserAnswers to puzzle on page 18.

Sponsor

The Perfect Valentine’s Gift

We are your cleaning solution!• Excellent References, Dependable & Trustworthy

• Complete Home & Office Cleaning

• Move-ins & Move-outs, Construction Clean-up

• Daily, Weekly & Monthly Programs

Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction GuaranteedFREE Estimates • Reasonable Rates

Call Chrissy TODAY!


in Lewistonwith live music by

The Whiskey Militia

This is my other good side.

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201548

“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” – Tom Peters

“Common sense is not so common.” — Voltaire

Gary & Elaine HemenwayOwners of Payroll Management accept the Business Leadership Award,

presented by Robin Robbins & Hillary Dow.Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME

If there's so much laborsaving machinery, why don't we have more free time?

Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet


Banquet

Shawn & TanyaCornish

Jimbo Marston & Kurk Lalemand

of Next Level Business Coaching

Betsy Libby & Jean Blais


Shawn’s Lawns can’t come soon

enough!

By the time the wed-ding planner finallybothered to order theflowers there werenone left.

The service ended up being quite lackadaisical.


Jimbo


“Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.” — Warren Buffett

"I must remember this" I say to myself, as I instantly forget what it is.

Enjoy Valentine’s Dayat

Dine with us on Valentine’s Night andyou will be entered to win our RomanticPackage for Two:

• Dinner for Two at Sea40• Overnight Stay w/Breakfast at the Hilton Garden Riverwatch• One-hour massage for two at Cassiel’s Day Spa• Bouquet of Roses from Sweet Pea Designs

All reservations made before Feb. 12th will be entered to win thisdrawing. Winner will be announced on Sea40’s Facebook page on themorning of Feb. 14th.

Prize will be given upon reservation check in(Sea40 has the right to cancel or amend special promotions at their

discretion without notice or compensation and reserves the final right to make such decisions.)

Call today for your dining engagement

795-6888

40 East Avenue, Lewistonwww.Sea40.com

Follow us on Twitter & Facebook

for Promotions &Give-a-ways!


in Lewistonwith live music by

The Whiskey Militia

It’s easy to get lost in

a sea of people...

Scott Welsh &Bill Welsh

Father & son dynamicduo at Pedro’s

At the store today,when the cashier said,"Strip down facing me"apparently she was re-ferring to my creditcard!

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201550

My BFF is a Bowl of Fattening Food.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy;

You’re welcome.

743-3891

70 Main Street, South Paris • harrisbrosrubbishremoval.com

Now serving Lewiston & Auburn!Call us for a FREE quote.

Serving: Norway • West ParisMinot • Mechanic Falls • Oxford

& NOW Lewiston/Auburn!

No Separating Required!

Roland Berube, Kim Ray & Jim Laliberty

Out ’n About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston

Cutting Room floor tidbits

Barry Morrill & Matt Drewaltried to sneak this photo into our “Sweetheart” Con-test. They do make a cute couple, but the editors at

UAD would have none of it.

For every mile of road there's two miles of ditch.

I pick things up and put them

down.

Pure FaithSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Two nuns were driving

down a country road

when they ran out of

gas.

They walked to a farm-

house and a farmer

gave them some gaso-

line, but the only con-

tainer he had was an

old bedpan.

The nuns were happy

to take whatever they

were offered and re-

turned to their car.

As they were pouring

the gasoline from the

bedpan into the tank of

their car, a minister

drove by.

He stopped, rolled

down his window and

said, "Excuse me, sis-

ters. I'm not of your re-

ligion, but I couldn't

help admiring your

faith!"

Happy Valentine’s

Day

That guy from the transmission shop looks kinda shifty.


Jimbo


A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.

All

of t

he a

bove

wit

h on

e ph

one

call!

Unc

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ndy’

s D

iges

t • 7

83-7

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• Unc

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• ed

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Out ’n About at

Chocolat6th Annual Chocolate

Competitionat the Green Ladle

Lewiston HS Campus

Rolly Blais &Mary Bolduc

Rolly’s Diner

Austin PerraultCentral Maine

Community College

Megan Labbe &Tamara Morgan

Green Ladle students

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201552

We had social networking back in the day. It was called

“go outside and play”.

Of course women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

Out ’n About at

Chocolat6th Annual Chocolate

Competitionat the Green Ladle (LRTC),

Lewiston HS Campus

Michele Bisbee &Daisy Taylor

Bates College

Annette RoyChocolat Lover

Her 6th year attending (and working)!

The Digest is awesome! I look

forward to it everymonth!!

Sadie Blais, Chris Page& Jordan Blais

Rolly’s Diner

Cathy, Darren, Zayda & Xen MorseRolly’s Diner

LadiesTees

Submitted by Jimbo

A husband and wifewho are avid golfershave been happilymarried for 30 years,and on the day of their30th anniversary theyenjoy a wonderful daytogether. They have adelicious breakfast inbed, then proceed toone of their favoritegolf courses. They playthrough to the 9th hole,both having an amaz-ing game. The hus-band watches hisbeautiful wife tee offand feels a rush ofemotion and guilt.

"Honey, I have to tellyou something. At thevery beginning of ourmarriage, I was withanother woman. It onlyhappened once andI've been faithful eversince. It was a mistakeand I hope you can for-give me."

The wife looks fondlyat him. "I forgive you.We've had a veryhappy life together. Ilove you."

The husband is so re-lieved, feeling light asa feather. They play afew more holes in blisswhen suddenly thewife turns to her husband.

"Honey, I too havesomething to confess."

(continued on next page)

Chocolate is goooooooooood!

Out ’n About at Chocolat6th Annual Chocolate Competition

Rolly’s Diner 2015:

1st Place - Display

1st Place - People’s Choice

3rd Place - Judges Choice

A dog goes into a barand orders a martini.The bartender says,“You don’t see a dog inhere drinking a martinivery often.”

The dog says, “Atthese prices, I’m not

surprised.”


Jimbo

February 2015 UncleAndys.com 53I never use my turn signal. It’s nobody’s business where I’m freakin’ going.

POOL BUILDERS OF MAINEQuality Workmanship, Outstanding Service

1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com

27 Years Experience

SAVE $1,000!When you use your income tax

return on any above ground poolSee store for details

NOBODY

BEATS

OUR

PRICES!

Sweet February

Deal!

I drink coffee... for your protection.

My bucket list: Ice – Wine.

Valerie Estabrook & Melissa Audette

Out ’n About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston

Stephanie, Corrie, Lyndsay, Jerry & JeremyRepresenting Maine Gourmet Chocolate & Top It Frozen Yogurt Bar

Out ’n About at Chocolat6th Annual Chocolate Competitionat the Green Ladle (LRTC), Lewiston HS Campus

The husband smilesand says, "Anythingdear - you were so gracious to me, and wecan make it throughanything."

"Before we met, I hadan operation. I used tobe a man."

The husband throwshis club down andstarts swearing andkicking up turf.

The wife is in shock."But I forgave you foryour secret!"

The husband, redfaced, turns to her andsays, "All these years!All these years you'vebeen teeing off fromthe ladies tee box youcheater!!"

(continued from previous page)

783-7039


Jimbo

February 201554

I can rise and shine. But not at the same time.

Therapy helps but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper.

Just Darn Good Deals

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

✃

FREE SMALL BREAD STICKS

85 Center Street,Auburn • 784-8221PatsAuburn.com


✃

1/2 OFF DINNER

at the Ramada490 Pleasant St. Lewiston • 784-2331


✃20% OFF

808 Main St. Lewiston

753-3054KellysFabricConnection.com

2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

Sabattus Main Street Market

Limit one per customer per visit.Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)

✃


✃

1/2 PRICE PIZZA!

145 College St, Lewiston • 786-0785

Buy any small pizza,Get second @ 1/2 price!(2nd pizza equal or lessor value)

Not to be combined with other specials

InsideLewistonVariety

$3 OFF ANY LARGEPIZZA!

Expires 02.28.15 (UAD)

✃

SAVE $1.10

Grant’s Bakery525 Sabattus St. Lewiston

783-2226GrantsBakery.com

Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)✃

785 Main St.Lewiston

We’re more than purses!

$6 and UpHere’s Your Sign!

Hand painted signs by Amy Bean


✃

FREE DESSERT

40 East Ave. Lewiston • 795-6888Sea40me.com

Funny Classified Ads


Actual Newspaper Adsand Classifieds:

AMANA WASHER $100.OWNED BY CLEANBACHELOR WHO SEL-DOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FORSALE... ONLY USEDON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEP-HERD, PART DOG

2 WIRE MESHBUTCHERINGGLOVES, 1 5-finger, 13-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO,STILL IN BOX, COMESWITH ITS OWN 1988MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO-MATIC, EXCELLENTCONDITION $6,800

TICKLE ME ELMO.NEW IN BOX. HARDLYTICKLED. $700

FREE YORKSHIRETERRIER. 8 YEARSOLD. UNPLEASANTLITTLE DOG.

GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs.NEUTERED. SPEAKSGERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY.LIKE NEW. SLIGHTURINE SMELL.

FOR SALE: LEE MA-JORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

(continued on next page)


Jimbo


I’m 99% sure you think I’m bitchy... And I’m 100% sure I don’t care.

If life’s a journey, mine is between the fridge and the computer.

Just Darn Good Deals


✃10% OFF

Total Order

770 Main St. Lewiston (Marden’s Plaza)783-4500 • SaucyPots.com

Limit one per customer per visit. (UAD)

✃

$25 OFFAny service of $100 or more.

147 East Ave, Lewiston • 782-1125BerubesAutoCare.com

Complete Auto Care


✃

BOTTOMLESS BOWLINGAll-You-Can-Bowl

Wednesdays 1PM – Close2 hours only $6pp.

(shoe rental extra)

24 Mollison Way, Lewiston • 786-2695Sparetimerec.com


✃FREEAdult Goodie Bag

($15 value) w/ every $50 purchase

w/ coupon; (Must be 18 years old)

675 Main St, Lewiston • 804-615-7451

740 Minot Ave, Auburn783-2981

myGeorgios.com

GEORGIO’S

Just mention this ad!

$1.00 OFFAny Breakfast Pizza

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

Dad’s Place

$3 OFFExpires 2.28.15 (UAD)

✃


161 Lincoln St.Lewiston784-7042

LabadiesBakery.com

✃


✃

Buy Any Meal at reg. priceGet 2nd at 1/2 price

The Library Cafe49 Spring St. Auburn

784-2300AuburnLibraryCafe.com

CHARMIN ULTRABATHROOM TISSUE-BONELESS

SHAKESPEARE'SPIZZA - FREE CHOP-STICKS

GEORGIA PEACHES -CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb.

CUTE KITTEN FORSALE, 2 CENTS ORBEST OFFER

WHIRLPOOL BUILT INOVEN - FROST FREE!

FREE: FARM KITTENS.READY TO EAT.

FROZEN SOFT & GEN-TLE BATH TISSUE - 4ROLLS 99 CENTS

1 AMERICAN FLAG -60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

TIRED OF WORKINGFOR ONLY $9.75 PERHOUR? WE OFFERPROFIT SHARING ANDFLEXIBLE HOURS.STARTING PAY: $7 - $9PER HOUR..

(continued from previous page)

Katelyn Ingerson& Sidney Hill

It must be my birthday or

something...

The only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

Check out our NEWLY Designed website: UncleAndys.com

Visit us at our state of the art office at:730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pmFri. by appointment

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit

with results that you will be proud to show off.

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com

Same Day Emergency CareWe are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

Jimbo

Hey Tim,quiz time: What is it the Digest does

better than anyone else?

Tim Rucker

Well Jimbo, that list is pretty long... but getting businesses top of

mind awareness at anaffordable price is

a good place to start!

Documents

UAD February 2015