Turn Misbehavior Into Cooperation

8/10/2019 Turn Misbehavior Into Cooperation

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2008 INCAF www.incaf.com


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Produced by the International Network for Children and Familiesisit us at www.INCAF.com

Edited by Peace In Your Home www.PeaceInYourHome.com

Welcome to Your Turn Misbehavior i nto Cooperation E -Book

In this e-book we will take an in-depth look at the four mistaken goals o behavior. Each section includes a description of each of the goals andfollowing each is a section called Discovery Questions. This section will help you to refresh, refine, and reinforce the concepts you learn in thise-book.

2008 INCAF www.incaf.com ! 2

Table of Contents

1. 3 Steps to Redirecting Behavior

2. The Mistaken Goal of Attention

3. The Mistaken Goal of Power

4. The Mistaken Goal of Revenge

5. The Mistaken Goal of Inadequacy

6. An Ounce of Prevention


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CHAPTER 1

3 STEPS TO REDIRECT BEHAVIOR

Parents unknowingly react in ways that reinforce unproductive behavior. For example, we have all seen the child in the grocery store who whines for a cookie. Mom or Dadsays no a few times. The child turns her whine up a notch or two and, presto! Thechild is given the cookie! The parent has just reinforced the childs misbehavior.

We need to learn how to redirect misbehavior. If we just stop the behavior bythreatening, yelling or punishing, the behavior will either escalate or the child willlearn to conform because she is afraid of the repercussions. However, if we learn howto redirect the behavior, we teach the child to use more cooperative communicationin order to get her needs met.

There are three steps to redirecting childrens behavior. They are:

1. Check your emotional state.2. Understand what your child is trying to communicate.3. Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.

Step 1. Check your emotional state.

Have you noticed how your mental state can escalate a situation? I have reacted to asituation where my child made a simple request and my reaction caused it to escalateto the point where my child dissolved into a puddle of tears. Checking in with yoursel before you respond to a child is imperative to effective parenting. Parents who arestressed tend to be less emotionally available for their children and less tolerant ofthe childs challenging behaviors, and therefore cause the situation to escalate moreoften.

The ideal first step is for you to self-reflect before you respond to your child. In thosemoments of self-reflection, you tune into yourself and ask yourself these questions:

What is my state of mind right now?

Am I calm, loving and accepting or am I angry, frustrated and critical?

If you are calm, loving and accepting, you can go on to the next step. If you are not ina calm, loving and accepting place, STOP! You will accomplish little by approaching your child in this st ate of mind. Ask yourself, What do I need? Am I tired? Am I



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overwhelmed? Am I mad about something else? Take care of yourself by doing one othe following. Take a break, breathe, count, do whatever you have to do to center yourself and be the compassionate parent you want to be. You will achieve a moreeffective outcome if you take time to do a mental check in.

The situation can easily escalate if you do not make the childs brain feel safe. One of the purposes of the brain is to protect the body. If you do not make the brain of achild (or adult) feel safe, the brain will respond with an attack, a defense, freezing orover-compliance. The acronym SAFE can be used to help you to remember what to doto make the brain feel safe. By doing the following things, you soothe the brain andmake it feel safe enough to listen and feel cooperative.

Step 2- Understand what your child is trying to communicate.Children usually misbehave because their needs are not being met.

Need to feel valuable Need to feel respected Need to experiment and explore Physical need (tiredness, hunger, or sickness) Need to belong or be included Need to be taught a skill Need to feel loved Need to be stimulated Need to be heard Need to feel understood Need to feel supported Need to feel wanted Need to feel powerful/influential


HELP THE BRAIN FEEL SAFE

Survey the need - what is the child s need? (Is she hungry, tired, sick, etc.?)

ppropriate touch - a gentle loving touch sometimes helps to soothe a child.

F riendly tone - use a non-threatening tone of voice.

E ye level - get on the child s eye lev el so she doesn t feel overpowered by your presence.


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how to meet their own needs as they grow. When a child feels their need is not beingmet, they often turn to mistaken goals. These goals are mistaken because they are anattempt by the child to get their real need (to belong, to feel loved, etc.) met, but inan ineffective way. Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs described the four mistaken goals in his book,Children the Challenge. They are attention, power, revenge, and inadequacy.

Until you understand the goal of your childs misbehavior, you cant be sure how to redirect their behavior. Unfortunately, no single discipline method will be effective inevery situation. You must take time to think about why your child is misbehaving inorder to determine what method to use.

One way to understand their goal is to determine how the child is inviting you to feel.ou will notice in the following chart that each goal makes you feel differently. Please

review the following Mistaken Goal Chart on the next page.


our job as a parent is to meet their needs and in the process, they will be learning


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Step 3 - Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.

Discover what the childs need is and meet or address it. For example, if you are

shopping and your child starts misbehaving, he may be bored. One way to solve this isto include him in on the shopping. Give him an item that he needs to find in the aisle.Or ask him to give you five cans of soup. Both of these examples are teaching him andmeeting his needs for stimulation and inclusion.

Frequently, what looks like misbehavior, isnt. Sometimes the child needs to be taught a skill or reminded of a skill. Teach your child a skill and make sure he hasconsistently demonstrated that skill BEFORE you can expect that he will use it. Forexample, you will have to teach, demonstrate, role play, and model conflictresolution numerous times before you can expect your child to successfully navigatethe world of win-win negotiation.

Remember : All misbehavior is your child trying to communicate an unmet need. When your child gets his/her needs met ( i.e. feels understood, valued, powerful etc.), thereis less need to misbehave. This is true of you too!



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DISCOVERY QUESTIONS

GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET

Below is a list of needs. Make copies of this page and have your family members rate

how well they are getting their needs met. Rate 1 for not at all and 5 always.

Need to feel valuable

Need to feel respected

Need to feel powerful/influential

Need to belong or be connected

Need to be feel loved

Need to be heard

Need to feel understood

Need to feel supported

Need to feel wanted

This is a great exercise to discuss at your next family meeting.

How to use this worksheet:

If someone in your family gets a three or lower on the needs listed above, you may want to brainstorm how the family can help meet that need.

For example, three-year-old Jessica was stealing items from her brother s room. The family discovered that Jessica was stealing to get her brothers attention (need for connection). The brother decided to play with his little sister for 10 minutes after hecame home from school. The stealing stopped because Jessica got what she wantedin an appropriate way.


1 2 3 4 5

1 2 3 4 5

1 2 3 4 5

1 2 3 4 5

1 2 3 4 5

1 2 3 4 5

1 2 3 4 5

1 2 3 4 5

1 2 3 4 5


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CHAPTER 2

THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF ATTENTION

Children need and are entitled to our attention if they are to grow into healthyadults. They know instinctively that negative attention is better than no attention atall. Children who have not been taught how to get attention appropriately will useunproductive means to get an adults attention.

Parents who believe that it is their responsibility to make their child happy andentertained run the risk of raising children who have an insatiable appetite forattention.

Children who misbehave with the goal of attention seem to be saying with theiractions and words, Keep busy with me! The parent in this situation feels annoyedand frustrated by their behavior

Children seeking attention may exhibit one or more of the following behaviors:

WhiningOver sensitivityOver eagerness to pleaseBeing over dramaticProcrastinationShowing ofHyperactivity

Keeping you busy with them

Parents often react to these behaviors in non-productive ways, such as:

Giving inCoaxing and/or remindingGetting frustratedRepeating yourself over and overDoing more than you need to

Here is an example of the goal of attention that you might be able to relate to:

Mom is on the phone. Three-year- old Lily whines, I cant find my dolly. Mom tells her to be quiet. Li lys whine becomes more incessant, making moms phone call unbearable. Mom interrupts the call to find Lilys doll.

What has Lily learned? She has learned to be obnoxious until she gets what she wants.Is that what Mom intended to teach Lily? Of course not! Here are the steps for redirectingthe mistaken goal of attention:



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REDIRECT THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF ATTENTION

Earlier in this session we discussed the three steps to redirecting childrens behavior:

1. Check your emotional state.

2. Understand what your child is trying to communicate.3. Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.

Now that you have an understanding of what your child is communicating and how youmight typically react, its time to do step 3. Below are four steps to take when your child is asking for inappropriate attention:

From the example above, this is what the four steps would look like assuming thatMom has instructed Lily how to get Moms attention in an appropriate way.

Lily starts whining about her doll. Mom continues her conversation on the phone. Without making eye contact or talking, Mom starts lovingly stroking Lilys back. Typically, this fills the childs emotional gas tank and she will go off to play.

If this doesnt work, check to make sure you are following the steps. You may not realize that you are talking. Or instead of being loving, perhaps you are beingimpatient and wanting your child to go away. Also, if this is not working, your childmay have the mistaken goal of power.


STEPS TO REDIRECTING THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF ATTENTION

Step 1 . Make no eye contact with the child.

Step 2 . Use no words with the child.

Step 3 . Non-verbally make the child feel loved. For example, rub child s back,hair or anything that is soothing to the child.

Step 4 . Take action immediately. Make the child feel loved as soon as possible.


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DISCOVERY QUESTIONS

REDIRECTING THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF ATTENTION

1. Which of your children has the mistaken goal of attention?

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

2. Check the box by the behaviors below that your child exhibits:

Whining

Over-sensitivity

Over-eagerness to please

Being overdramatic

Procrastination

Showing of

Hyperactivity

Keeping you busy with them

3. Check the box by the things below that you catch yourself doing:

Giving in

Coaxing and/or reminding

Get frustrated

Repeating yourself over and over

Doing more than you need to



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4. If your childs mistaken goal is attention, answer the following questions:

a). When your child asks for attention in an appropriate way, do you respond right

away or do you put it off?

Respond right away Put of

b). What will you do next time? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

c) Have you taught your child how to get your attention in an appropriate way?

Yes No

d) Do you have a signal or word(s) you have taught your child to say in a respectfulmanner to get your attention?

Yes No

If not, write what you will do to teach your child to ask for your attention in anappropriate way. For example, you could teach your child to say, I need your attention , I need a GEM, or I need some snuggle time. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________


Elements for a GEM (Genuine Encounter Moment)

our child comes to you seeking your attention numerous times a day. Although it is not humanlypossible to respond every time with a GEM, responding this way several times a day will greatlyenhance their self-esteem.

Get on your childs eye level Touch Use a friendly tone of voice and eye contact Focus %100 on your child Respond from your heart not your head


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e) Do you give your child enough GEMS or are you frequently too busy?

Yes Too Busy

f) What could you do to help yourself to remember to give your child your 100% focusedattention several times a day?

________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

g) Do you have weekly dates alone with each child? Yes No

If not, make dates with each child.

A date is distinguished from a GEM in that a GEM is spontaneous whereas a date istypically planned.


Elements for a Successful Date:

A date should be planned by the parent and the child. A word to the wise: do notagree to something that you would not consider fun. For example, if yourdaughter wants to play dolls and you dont, your attitude will be reflected during your time together. The effort will be self-defeating because you will resent beingthere or wishing you were someplace else.

A date can be low cost i.e., bike riding, taking a walk or going on a picnic.

The date should be one-on-one time.

Mark it on your calendar and make sure the dateis as important as a business appointment.

The date should be a minimum of 20 minutes.

A date says, You are important to me. I want to be with you. Dates are especially important for busy parents, families with several children, andstep-families.


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5. Brainstorm what you would enjoy doing on a date with each child (and your partner). Remember that each child is unique and what may befun for one child may not be fun for another.

Childs name: ________________________________________________ ____

Ideas: _________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Childs name: ____________________________________________________

Ideas: _________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Childs name: ____________________________________________________

Ideas: _________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

Childs name: _______________________________________________ _____

Ideas: _________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

6. Mark your calendar with a date for each child once per week. Dont forget your partners date with each child and to plan dates with your partner!

Children would rather get negative attention than be ignored. Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, Children: the Challenge



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CHAPTER 3

THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF POWER

No is the favorite word of child with the mistaken goal of power. These children can be very challenging. When redirected, however, they can make wonderful leaders.

The child who has the mistaken goal of power seems to be saying with their actionsand words, You cant make me. The parent in this situation feels challenged and angry because of their behavior. If the parent responds to this child by overpoweringhim, the child can become more embedded in this mistaken goal or escalate to thenext mistaken goal which is revenge.

Parents get themselves in trouble when they perceive their childs behavior as non -compliance. This line of thinking usually leads toward a trip down a tumultuousspiral. Refrain from this thinking and ask, W hat does my child need? Perhaps he/she needs space, quality time with you, to be allowed to express his wishes, or to have someinfluence over the situation?

Children seeking inappropriate power may exhibit one or more of the following behaviors:

Acting stubborn ArguingBossinessSaying no RefusalPersistent pestering Always trying to have the last word

Parents often react to these behaviors in these non-productive ways:

Giving inThreatening YellingOverpowering childrenBribery

ArguingREDIRECTING THE GOAL OF POWER

Earlier in this session, we discussed the three steps of redirecting childrens behavior :

1. Check your emotional state.2. Understand what your child is trying to communicate.3. Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior

2008 INCAF www.incaf.com ! 15.


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Now that you have an understanding of what your child is communicating and how youmight typically react, its time to do step 3. Once you have identified a powerstruggle, here are 11 ways to redirect power struggles:

1. Use Loving Guidance

Frequently we nag our children about what they should be doing, and as a result ourchildren become "parent deaf." Use friendly action instead. For example, you asked your child to put his shoes away. He says, In just a minute." A minute goes by and shoes still arent put away. Put a friendly smile on your face, pick up his shoes, put them on his lap, walk away and say, Thank you. You may need to d o this two orthree times. Stay calm and loving, yet firm. Do not get into a verbal power struggle with him.

2. Find Useful Ways for Your Child to Feel Powerful or Influential

During a power struggle, our typical first thought is, How can I get this situationunder control?

It might be as simple as asking him for his help or putting him in charge of a particularob. For example, if you are having difficulty with a toddler wandering off while

grocery shopping, put him in the shopping cart. Give him the shopping list and a

crayon and have him be in charge of checking off items on your list. Or, if you have atoddler who refuses to put on her seat belt, designate her to be the Seat Belt Boss. The driver cant drive until the boss has made sure everyon e has his or her seat belton. If you argue with your teenager about money, have her balance the checkbook, work on a family budget, or help with the accounting in your business. We all want tofeel powerful, and if we don't have opportunities to do it appropriately, we will seekpower in inappropriate ways -- like power struggles, or picking on siblings.

3. Teach Your Child to Say No R espectfully

You have got to be kidding, you might be saying to yourself. Why would I want to teach them THAT?! Many of us were not allowed to say no growing up, and since we weren't allowed to say no verbally, we learned to say it in a number of devious ways -- like rebelling or doing a job halfway. Teach your children to respectfully say,


Change your question to: "How can I give my child more appropriate

ower (or influence) in this particular situation?"

If we dont find useful ways for our children to feel powerful, they will find

ower in inappropriate ways.


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No, I dont want to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floor." This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support.

Teaching your child this skill deters your child from using passive/aggressive behavior with you. It will also give your child the skill of saying no to peer pressure. Teens

frequently dont say no to peer pressure because they dont want to get rejected. Operating from the fear of rejection often starts at home with parents not teachingthem this essential skill.

4. Give Choices

We all like to feel we have some control over our destiny, and our children are nodifferent. One way to do this is to let them make choices. For a younger child thechoice might be, Do you want peas or carrots for dinner?" or for an older child the choice might be, "Do you want to set the table or make the salad?"

The purpose of giving choices is to empower him or her, not to manipulate thechild into doing what you want.

It is not effective to use giving choices as a form of manipulation, but to teach yourchild the power of choices. When children understand unlimited thinking and can seemany options to the problems they encounter, it will empower them to not feel like a victim in their life. This is an essential concept to teach your child. Of course, you want to make the choices and the number of choices developmentally appropriate.

It is not our abilities that tell us what we truly areIt is our choices."

-Dumbledore from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling

Here are some effective questions to ask your child that will help stretch theirthinking.

What are the results you want? What are your options here? Think of one more. Would you like to know some other options? What are the consequences of that choice? Will it get the results you want?

How will that choice affect others?

The best way to use your in fluence is to make your children into sensitive, aware choice makers.

- Deepak Chopra author of The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents



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Doing the unexpected distracts your child and allows them to regroup. For example:two children were fighting in the kitchen. Mom usually broke them up and sent them begrudgingly to their rooms. This time, Mother decided to do the unexpected. Insteadof breaking them up, she started a wet paper towel fight. They had a delightful timetogether and forgot about their power struggle.

6. Win-Win Negotiations

Most of us were not taught the concept of a win-win negotiation. We probablyexperienced situations that were mainly win-lose. The most effective negotiations are when both sides win and are happy with the end results. This can be challenging, because you must listen intently to what the other person wants while stayingcommitted to what you want. Ask your child, "I see how you can win and that's great, because I want you to win. How can I win, too?"

For example: Brianna, who was three at the time, and I were taking a bath. She wanted little water and I wanted big water and the debate was beginning to get heated. I remembered to take my own advice and asked, "I see how you can win byhaving little water and that's great, because I want you to win. How can I win, too?" She answered quickly, How about while you are in the tub with me, we have big water a nd then when you get out, I will stay and play in little water? Brilliant, I said as we proceeded to enjoy a leisurely bath together.

Think of a person in your life, past or present, with whom you couldnt win. What wasit like to be with that person? How did you feel? What did you feel like doing when you were in this persons presence?

Now, think of a person in your life whom you feel like you could win with. What wasis it like to be with that person? How did you feel? What did you feel like doing when you were in this persons presence?

Which person do you want to be?

When children see that you are just as interested in seeing them win as yourself,they are more than willing to help figure out ways that you both can win.

7. Let Go of Your Positio n

Parents often have a certain way of doing things. If things dont go the way they planned, they become upset or controlling. If this happens to you, ask yourself, What is the worst thing that could happen if I let go of my position? Would that be so bad?Can I handle this? What is the best thing that could happen? Will this matter five yearsfrom now?


5. Do the Unexpected


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8. Use Signals

Have you ever seen the Peanuts cartoon specials? What do the parents/adults

always say in them? They always say, Waugh , Waugh, Waugh! Our children learn to tune us out when we talk too much. One way to prevent this is to use signals. Forexample, a preteen was forgetting to say thank you to her friends parents when she left their ho use. Mom asked her daughter, I know that you want to say thank you, and I dont want to embarrass you in front of your friend. What signal could we use? Her daughter suggested touching her gently on the elbow. The problem was solved!

It always works best to have the child come up with the signal because it will helpthem feel like they have a part in the solution.

9. Use One Word

Our children hear brush your teeth , comb your hair , dont put that in your mouth, stop picking your nose , etc. continually all day from many different adults. Again, to eliminate excessive talking, just use one word. This will work even better i your child picks the word. Tell your children ahead of time that you are going to stopnagging, and that you will be using just one word from now on to tell them whatneeds to be done. For example, if their shoes need to be picked up, instead of givinga dissertation on shoe pickup, you could simply say shoes.

Or, if your child has said something sassy, say one word (such as redo) that means you want to hear what your child has to say, but in a respectful way. Make sure yousay redo in a friendly voice, and with a smile. If you are willing to take a look at your own misbehaviors and learn from them, you can also allow your child (andpartner) to say this to you!

Another example: A father had a teenage son whose school hadtaken physical education out of the curriculum. As a result, thisteenager would come home with raging hormones that had nooutlet. He began to take his frustrations out on the nearest victim. Dad explained to his son how he needed a physical outletand asked him how they could resolve this problem. They agreedthat Dad would say the word tramp (one of his sons favorite forms of exercise) when he noticed his son was starting toterrorize someone. This was his sons signal to go jump on the trampoline in order to release his frustrations. The teens reign o terror ceased to be a threat to the family, for which everyone waseternally grateful!


Did you know that your child receives over2,000 compliance requests daily from adults?


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10. Ask Questions

Autocratic demands often set off the child who is power-hungry. To avoid this, askquestions instead. For example, instead of demanding, Put your coat away, say, Where does your coat go? to a younger child. For an older child, instead of saying,

Do your homework, ask, What is your schedule? Or, instead of telling him to do his chores, ask, What do you want to get done today? If they dont mention the homework or chore, non- judgmentally ask, Where will you fit in your homework/ chore?

11. Give Space

Some power-hungry children simply need space. Give them a chance to do what youare asking on their own time. If you are in the middle of a power struggle, withdrawand come back to the situation when you are both calm and have had a chance toprocess it.

For example, a toddler didnt like getting her diaper changed. Struggles would ensue that typically ended with the parent forcing the diaper change and the toddler crying.The parents learned to ask her if she wanted her diaper changed. She would say,No. The parents would respect her no and then ask again a few minutes later. Using this procedure, she would happily allow them to change her diapers. This didnt always work, and the parents didnt always have the time to give her some space. However, it did dramatically reduce the number of diaper-changing meltdowns.

Another example: Andrea, age ten, would frequently lose it when her mother would

help with her homework. Instead of forcing her to understand and do the problem,Mom learned to say, I noticed that I am starting to get frustrated. I am going to leave and come back in a few minutes after I have calmed down. Giving her daughter space reduced the amount of time spent on homework, because they fought less.



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DISCOVERY QUESTIONS

REDIRECTING THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF POWER

1. Which of your children has the mistaken goal of power? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________


Acting stubborn

Arguing

Being Bossy

Saying No

Refusal

Persistent pestering

Needing to have the last word


Giving in

Threatening

Yelling

Over-powering

Bribery

Arguing



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4. Check the box by the tools you will practice this week:

Use Loving Guidance

Find Useful Ways for Your Child to Feel Powerful or Influential

Teach Your Child to Say No Respectfully

Give Choices

Do the Unexpected

Win-Win Negotiate

Let Go of Your Position

Use Signals

Use One Word

Ask Questions

Give Space

5. In what situation(s) do you get into power struggles? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

6. How do you normally handle this situation?

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________



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7. In this situation, what triggers you?

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

8. What tool do you think will be the most effective in this situation?

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

9. What is one situation in which you might be able to use a signal?

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

10. List 3 things on which you have a fixed position that you are willing to let go. Here are some examples: what they choose to wear, the color of their hair,

whether or not their hair is brushed.

1. _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

2. _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

3. _______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________



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Help Your Child Feel Influential and Valuable

Everyone wants to feel powerful and valuable, including our children. If we dont give them appropriate ways to feel powerful, influential and valuable, they will get powerin inappropriate ways.

Here are some examples of ways to help your child feel valuable:

1. Allow him to help you in a way that you choose together (i.e., grocery shopping, watering plants, writing checks, being in charge of family outings, washingdishes, washing clothes, making a meal for the family, setting the table, etc.).

2. Share your feelings with her and allow her to be there for you (i.e., I am feeling sad. Could I have a hug?).

3. Allow him to teach you something. For example, I learned that I dont play enough. Will you teach me how? or I would like to learn how to use the computer. Would you teach me?

4. Create appropriate ways for him to do what he wants and still remain within theessential limits you have set. For example, I am not willing to let you ride your bike alone to Jasons. However, I would be willing to let you go if you get your brother to ride along with you.

5. Ask him for his advice. For example, What do you think I should wear to work today? or I have this conflict at work with JoeWhat do you think I could do about it?

6. Below are ways I will allow my children to feel powerful in an appropriatemanner:

a. _______________________________________________

b. _______________________________________________

c. _______________________________________________

d. _______________________________________________

e. _______________________________________________



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CHAPTER 4

THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF REVENGE

The child who has the mistaken goal of revenge seems to be saying with their actionsand words, I want to hurt others the way I hurt. The child feels hurt by someone orsomething in his environment. The parent in this situation feels hurt, victimized, andunappreciated. It is important that the parent finds the source of the hurt andteaches this child how to express his hurt in a more appropriate way.

Children seeking revenge may exhibit one or more of these behaviors:

Blaming othersSaying hurtful thingsDestroying propertyStealing Acting entitled AbusivenessMaking self unlikableIntimidationHurting children, animals and/or selGetting bad gradesHanging out with the wrong crowd Excessive use of drugs or alcoholPromiscuity Acting like they dont care

Parents often react to this child in non-productive ways, such as:

Giving inThreatening

ellingOverpoweringBriberyHurting backPunishingWalking on eggshells Not caring about the child, in order to protect yoursel Withdrawing affectionLosing trust



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What is going on in your childs life that is making your child feel hurt? Here are some possibilities:

Views your discipline as punishment

Is chronically sickIs being bulliedIs being abused mentally, sexually or physicallyHas a learning challengeFeels disconnected from parent(s)Didnt bond well with a significant adult as a child Feels hurt by someoneFeels over-powered by someoneIs pamperedDoes not have a good relationship with an adultDoesnt like sel

Is being teased at schoolIs being excluded at school

Redirecting the Mistaken Goal of Revenge

Earlier in this session, we discussed the three steps to redirecting childrens behavior :

1. Check your emotional state.2. Understand what your child is trying to communicate.3. Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.

Now that you have an understanding of what your child is communicating and how youmight typically react, its time to do step 3. Here are some points to remember whenredirecting the mistaken goal of revenge:

Here is an ineffective response to the mistaken goal of revenge:

NATHAN! screams Mom. What have you done to my curtains?


Steps to Redirect Revenge

Dont hurt back .Re-establish your relationship. Validate their feelings.Make amends. Admit when you are wrong.Empathize.If someone else is the problem, help him find more healthy ways to handle the issue .Teach him how to express anger and hurt in appropriate ways.


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I didnt do anything, Nathan lies in a futile attempt to avoid Moms wrath.

What is the matter with you? Before he can answer, she threatens, Go to your room. Wait until your father comes home!

Nathan slithers to his room, terrified of his fathers retribution but trying to not care.

What has Nathan learned here? To fear his father? Notice how Mom has inadvertentlymade Dad the bad guy? Mom has no understanding of why Nathan did what he did andnothing really gets resolved.

Here is an effective response using the steps to redirect the goal of revenge:

Mom says, Nathan, you must have been REALLY angry with me to cut my curtain. [Empathize.] Did I do something to make you mad at me?

You broke your promise. You said you were going to take me to the movie and youwent back to work instead! All you do is work. Why did you bother to have meanyway?!! retaliates Nathan. (Note that some children may not be able to identify and express what they are hurting about. You may have to make some guesses.)

Oh, you're right, honey. I did break my promise. That was very wrong of me . [Admit when you are wrong.] You must feel like my work is more important than you.[Empathize.]

Yeah, you got that right! says Nathan, softening a little.

I can understand why you feel that way. It's not true. You are VERY important to me. What can I do to make this up to you? (Make amends.)

You could take me next Saturday and keep your word, pouts Nathan.

Its a deal, says Mom as she takes out her calendar and writes down the date in ront of Nathan so he can see how important this is to her. Mom asks, Will you orgive me?

Yeah. The corners of Nathans mouth curl up ever so slightly. They hug.

Later t hat evening, after Mom has made time to build her sons emotional bank account [Re-establish the relationship] ) and Nathan has had a chance to process whathas happened, Mom asks, Hey, I have a request of you?

What is it? asks Nathan cautiously.



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The next time you get mad at me like that, would you be willing to tell me how mad you are instead of getting even with me? Cause I am likely to make more mistakes like this, and besides, curtains are expensive! Mom says, half joking and half serious.

Ok. Nathan sounds relieved to know he has options.

What could you have said to me? Mom asks. [Teach him how to express hisanger appropriately.]

The conversation continues and mom adds, I would also like you to help pay for anew curtain.

Notice that Mom did not grovel for her sons forgiveness. The make -up wasreasonable. Mom did not make excuses for her behavior nor did she defend herself.Excusing yourself and defending only make the other person mad, because when youmake excuses or justifications it will make the other person feel like their complaintis not valid. Punishing the child who has the mistaken goal of revenge will only makematters worse. Their reaction to punishment is to escalate the situation or to act likethey dont care. I am sure you have heard the oft-used phrase , I dont care.

Notice that Mom also requested that he help pay for the new curtains. This teachesthe child to repair his mistakes and makes it less likely he will be destructive toexpress his anger again.

What did Nathan learn in this example?

To express his feelings appropriately.To be responsible for his actions.To repair his mistakes.That his mother cares about his feelings.



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DISCOVERY QUESTIONS

REDIRECTING THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF REVENGE

1. Which childs mistaken goal is revenge?

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

2. Check in the box beside the behaviors below that your child exhibits:

Blaming others

Saying hurtful things

Destroying property

Stealing

Acting entitled

Abusiveness

Making self unlikable

Intimidation

Hurting children, animals and/or sel

Getting bad grades

Hang out with the "wrong crowd"

Excessive use of drugs or alcohol

Promiscuity

Acting like they dont care



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3. Check the box beside the things below that you catch yourself doing:

Giving in

Threatening

Yelling

Overpowering

Bribery

Hurting back

Punishing

Walking on eggshells

Not caring in order to protect yoursel

Withdrawing affection

Losing trust

4. What is going on in your childs life that is making your child feel hurt? Check the box beside the things from the list below.

Views your discipline as punishment

Is chronically sick

Is being bullied

Is being abused mentally, sexually or physically

Has a learning challenge

Feels disconnected from parent(s)

Didnt bond well with a significant adult as a child



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Feeling inadequate as a parent

Doing things for the child that they should do for themselves

RescuingGetting impatient



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REDIRECTING THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF INADEQUACY

Earlier in this session we discussed the three steps to redirecting childrens behavior :

1. Check your emotional state.

2. Understand what your child is trying to communicate.3. Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.

Now that you have an understanding of what your child is communicating and how youmight typically react, it's time to do step 3.

Here is an ineffective response to the goal of inadequacy.

The teacher notices that nine-year-old Natalie is doodling on her worksheet.

She says, Natalie, you havent finished your worksheet!

I cant, mutters Natalie, Im stupid.

Oh, no you are not. You can do this. Just try, coaxes the teacher.

Natalie puts her head on the desks and starts to snivel.

Oh, Honey, dont cry, says the teacher in a pitying tone of voice.

Here is an effective response to the goal of inadequacy:

The teacher notices that nine-year-old Natalie is doodling on her worksheet. She says,Natalie, you havent finished your worksheet!


Redirect the Mistaken Goal of Inadequacy

Express confidence in the childs ability to do well .Create situations in which the child can feel valuable and powerful.

Teach your child to use encouraging self-talk. Arrange for small successes. Avoid doing things for the child. Avoid coaxing.Break down tasks into accomplishable steps. Ask them to stretch themselves a little further than what they think theyare capable of doing, i.e. do one more math problem, read one more.


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I cant, mutters Natalie, Im stupid.

What do you think will happen if you continue to tell yourself that?

Ill be stupid! Natalie answers, perking up a bit.

Perhaps. What do you think might be a more helpful thing to tell yourself?

I dont know, says Natalie.

What if you say to yourself, I can do one more? suggests the teacher.

I can do that! Natalie brightens as she starts to do one more problem on the worksheet.

In the first example, the teacher has inadvertently taught Natalie that a good lifestrategy is to convince someone to feel sorry for you. In the effective response, theteacher has taught her a valuable skill to help her when she gets stuck in life: tochange her self-talk. It is our discouraging self-talk that often prevents us fromachieving the results we want in life.



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DISCOVERY QUESTIONS

REDIRECTING THE MISTAKEN GOAL OF INADEQUACY

1. Which child has the mistaken goal of inadequacy? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________


Thinking everyone can do things better than him/her

Being afraid of new situations, meeting new people, etc.

Fearing criticism, or falling apart when criticized

Reluctance to try new things

Tendency to isolate

Wanting to numb out in front of TV

Avoiding sports or other competitive activities

Feeling like he/she can never win

Feeling consistently over-powered by others

Acts as though he/she is resigned to being a loser

Giving up easily

Worrying excessively about failure

Saying negative things about self, i.e. Im stupid, No one likes me, I cant do it.



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Coaxing

Feeling inadequate as a parent

Feeling sorry for your child

Feeling frustrated because nothing you do seems to work

Doing things for child that you shouldnt

Rescuing

Getting impatient

4. re your expectations too high for this child?

Yes

No

5. What is going on that this child feels so incapable?

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

6. What redirect will you try?

Express confidence in the childs abi lity to do well

Create situations in which the child can feel valuable and powerful

Teach your child to use encouraging self-talk

Arrange for small successes

Avoid doing things for the child Avoid coaxing

Break down tasks into accomplishable steps

Ask them to stretch themselves a little further than what they think they arecapable of doing i.e. do one more math problem, read one more



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7. Create Rituals and Routines

Our children (especially younger children) need routines and rituals. For example, onemom picked her child up from school with a snack that her daughter could eat in thecar, and her daughter got to take her shoes and socks off when she got in. This routine

made the transition from school to home go more smoothly. Create routines aroundthe following issues:

Getting upGetting to schoolBeing picked up from schoolHomeworkMealtimesBedtime

Rituals are established traditions to celebrate special occasions. Rituals help childrento feel like they belong and are connected to something substantial, and they givethem something to look forward to.



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DISCOVERY QUESTIONS

MINIMIZING MISBEHAVIOR

ou can minimize the frequency of misbehavior by taking a few necessaryprecautions.

1. Check which of these are difficult for your child:

Transitions

Disturbance in routine

Certain smells

Over-stimulation

Bright lights

Labels on clothes

Seams in socks

People in their space

Being hurried

Certain textures, including food

Goodbyes and hellos

Others: ________________________________

2. re you over-scheduled?

Yes

No

3. What could you delegate or eliminate from your schedule? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________



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_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

5. What time of the day is your child most likely to misbehave? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

6. What happens before the misbehavior occurs? For example, is your child tired, hungry, over-stimulated? Has your child been with a friend(s), hadan argument or just been dropped off or picked up from school?

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

7. What could you do to help prevent this from happening in the future? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

8. What are some situations you may want to make agreements about ahead of time?

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

Here are some areas you may want to consider:

When you go to a store, what can they buy? How much can they spend?

What can and cant they do at their grandparents house? What can and cant they do at a friends house? When can they date? What are the parameters of a date? How much money are you willing to spend on clothes? How much money are you willing to spend on your childs entertainment?


4. What patterns do you see in your childs misbehavior?


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9. Write what the agreements will be below. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

10. Check which routines you have in place.

4. What patterns do you see in your childs misbehavior?

Getting up

Getting to school

Getting picked up from school

Homework

Mealtimes

Bedtime

Other: __________________________

11. You get to create your dream routine here:

a. Write 3 ideal routines. Dont limit yourself to what you think is possible. Let your imagination run wild.

1. ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

2. _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________

3. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

b. What is one small step that you will take to make each of your 3 dream routines possible?

1. ____________________________________________________

2. ____________________________________________________

3. ____________________________________________________



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c. Ask for and write down your familys suggestions. Ask what ways will they support you to make your dream routines happen.

______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________



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Epilogue

Our Children, Our Future

The way we parent will, to a large extent, determine the future of oursociety. We have a choice: to parent in a way that teaches our children to be uncooperative, self-serving, irresponsible, and disconnected, or toraise children who hold values deeply, are passionate, and maintain andnurture close relationships.

It is no easy task to change old patterns. Make sure you are gentle with yourself. Find someone to support you perhaps a spouse, a friend, or aRedirecting Childrens Behavior class. Without support, its all too easy to slip back into old, less effective ways.

Most important of all, love one another and be good to one another. Theindividual members of your family can function like a battery that is, acollective, recharging source of encouragement and support that allowsall of you to go out into the community and do the things you are brilliantly capable of doing.

Visit our website www.incaf.com for more resources to help you besuccessful in your parenting journey.

lways remember this;

There is nothing more important thanloving someone and being loved.

Continue to the next page



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eals

ove

-Neale Donald Walch

is the energy which:

xpands

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Sends out

Stays

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Turn Misbehavior Into Cooperation