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Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T.Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T.

Mindful AngerMindful Anger

How Do You Forgive EvenHow Do You Forgive EvenWhen It Feels Impossible? (PartWhen It Feels Impossible? (Part1)1)Forgiveness isn't something you do for the other person.Forgiveness isn't something you do for the other person.

Posted Sep 02, 2014Posted Sep 02, 2014

Whether it's a spouse who was unfaithful, a Whether it's a spouse who was unfaithful, a parentparent who let you down as a child, who let you down as a child,

or a or a friendfriend who shared something told in who shared something told in confidenceconfidence, we all must face the, we all must face the

question of whether and how to forgive.question of whether and how to forgive.

After you are wronged and the initial wave of emotion has passed, you'reAfter you are wronged and the initial wave of emotion has passed, you're

presented with a new challenge: Do you forgive the person? By forgiving, youpresented with a new challenge: Do you forgive the person? By forgiving, you

let go of your grievances and judgments and allow yourself to heal. While thislet go of your grievances and judgments and allow yourself to heal. While this

may sound good in theory, in practice may sound good in theory, in practice forgivenessforgiveness can sometimes feel can sometimes feel

impossible.impossible.

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To learn how to forgive, you must first learn what forgiveness is To learn how to forgive, you must first learn what forgiveness is notnot. Most of us. Most of us

hold at least some misconceptions about forgiveness. Here are some thingshold at least some misconceptions about forgiveness. Here are some things

that forgiving someone that forgiving someone doesn'tdoesn't mean: mean:

Forgiveness doesn't mean you are pardoning or excusing the otherForgiveness doesn't mean you are pardoning or excusing the other

person's actions.person's actions.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you need to tell the person that he or she isForgiveness doesn't mean you need to tell the person that he or she is

forgiven.forgiven.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you shouldn't have any more feelings aboutForgiveness doesn't mean you shouldn't have any more feelings about

the situation.the situation.

Forgiveness doesn't mean there is nothing further to work out in theForgiveness doesn't mean there is nothing further to work out in the

relationship or that everything is okay now.relationship or that everything is okay now.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you should forget the incident ever happened.Forgiveness doesn't mean you should forget the incident ever happened.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to continue to include the person inForgiveness doesn't mean you have to continue to include the person in

your life.your life.

... and forgiveness isn't something you do for the other person.... and forgiveness isn't something you do for the other person.

*

By forgiving, you are accepting the reality of what happened and finding a wayBy forgiving, you are accepting the reality of what happened and finding a way

to live in a state of resolution with it. This can be a gradual process—and itto live in a state of resolution with it. This can be a gradual process—and it

doesn't necessarily have to include the person you are forgiving. Forgivenessdoesn't necessarily have to include the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness

isn't something you do for the person who wronged you; it's something you doisn't something you do for the person who wronged you; it's something you do

for for youyou..

So if forgiveness is something you do for yourself and if it can help you heal,So if forgiveness is something you do for yourself and if it can help you heal,

why is it so hard?why is it so hard?

There are several reasons: You're filled with thoughts of retribution or There are several reasons: You're filled with thoughts of retribution or revengerevenge;;

you enjoy feeling superior; you don't know how to resolve the situation; you'reyou enjoy feeling superior; you don't know how to resolve the situation; you're

addicted to the adrenaline that addicted to the adrenaline that angeranger provides; you self-identify as a "victim"; or provides; you self-identify as a "victim"; or

you're afraid that by forgiving you have to re-connect—or lose your connectionyou're afraid that by forgiving you have to re-connect—or lose your connection

—with the other person. These reasons not to forgive can be resolved by—with the other person. These reasons not to forgive can be resolved by

becoming more familiar with yourself, with your thoughts and feelings, and withbecoming more familiar with yourself, with your thoughts and feelings, and with

your boundaries and needs.your boundaries and needs.

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Now that you know what forgiveness is not and why it's so hard to do, askNow that you know what forgiveness is not and why it's so hard to do, ask

yourself: yourself: Do I want to forgive?Do I want to forgive?

Forgiveness requires feeling Forgiveness requires feeling willing willing to forgive. Sometimes you won't, becauseto forgive. Sometimes you won't, because

the hurt went too deep, or because the person was too abusive, or expressedthe hurt went too deep, or because the person was too abusive, or expressed

no regret. Do not attempt to forgive someone before you have identified, fullyno regret. Do not attempt to forgive someone before you have identified, fully

felt, expressed, and released your anger and pain.felt, expressed, and released your anger and pain.

If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be aloneIf you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone

with your thoughts. Then, try following these four steps to forgive even when itwith your thoughts. Then, try following these four steps to forgive even when it

feels impossible:feels impossible:

1. Think about the incident that angered you.Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened. Accept that it happened.

Accept how you felt about it and how it made you react. In order to forgive,Accept how you felt about it and how it made you react. In order to forgive,

you need to acknowledge the reality of what occurred and how you wereyou need to acknowledge the reality of what occurred and how you were

affected.affected.

2. Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of whatAcknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what

happened.happened. What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs

and boundaries? Not only did you survive the incident, perhaps you grewand boundaries? Not only did you survive the incident, perhaps you grew

from it.from it.

3. Now think about the other person.Now think about the other person. He or she is flawed because He or she is flawed because allall human human

beings are flawed. He or she acted from limited beliefs and a skewed framebeings are flawed. He or she acted from limited beliefs and a skewed frame

of reference because sometimes of reference because sometimes we allwe all act from our limited beliefs and act from our limited beliefs and

skewed frames of reference. When you were hurt, the other person wasskewed frames of reference. When you were hurt, the other person was

trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did thetrying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the

person go about it in such a hurtful way?person go about it in such a hurtful way?

4. Finally, decide whether or not you want to Finally, decide whether or not you want to telltell the other person that you the other person that you

have forgiven him or her.have forgiven him or her. If you decide not to express forgiveness directly, If you decide not to express forgiveness directly,

then do it on your own. Say the words, "I forgive you," aloud and then add asthen do it on your own. Say the words, "I forgive you," aloud and then add as

much explanation as you feel is merited.much explanation as you feel is merited.

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Forgiveness puts the final seal on what happened that hurt you. You will stillForgiveness puts the final seal on what happened that hurt you. You will still

remember what happened, but you will no longer be bound by it. Havingremember what happened, but you will no longer be bound by it. Having

worked through the feelings and learned what you need to do to strengthenworked through the feelings and learned what you need to do to strengthen

your boundaries or get your needs met, you are better able to take care ofyour boundaries or get your needs met, you are better able to take care of

yourself in the future. Forgiving the other person is a wonderful way to honoryourself in the future. Forgiving the other person is a wonderful way to honor

yourself. It affirms to the universe that you deserve to be happy.yourself. It affirms to the universe that you deserve to be happy.

Click here to read Part 2Click here to read Part 2

For more self help tips & tools, please see For more self help tips & tools, please see Dr. Brandt’s blog pageDr. Brandt’s blog page

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About the AuthorAbout the Author

Andrea Brandt, Ph.D, Andrea Brandt, Ph.D, is a marriage and family therapist inis a marriage and family therapist in

Santa Monica, California. She brings over 35 years ofSanta Monica, California. She brings over 35 years of

experience to her roles in family therapy, couples counseling,experience to her roles in family therapy, couples counseling,

group therapy and anger-management classes.group therapy and anger-management classes.

        

Online: Online: Dr. Andrea Brandt's WebsiteDr. Andrea Brandt's Website

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