TRUE GRID

by

Linda Wood Edwards

True Grid © 2007 Linda Wood Edwards 9451 Ottewell Road Edmonton, Alberta Canada T6B 2E3 780-918-4200 lue42@shaw.caJuly 30, 2010

STORY

4 guys x 28 football seasons = over a century of bonding, rituals, and winning. Subtract 1 guy, add a lovely stranger, and risk breaking the streak. Join these devoted fans as they lose and rediscover their faith during an ill-fated season. Superstitious about anything? You’ll relate to this comedy.

CAST Coach 40-50. Peter, blue collar; ringleader of long-time group of fans James 40-50. Seemingly self-assured accountant but now at a crossroads Philip 40-50. (Not seen) Thomas 40-50. Letter carrier, gambler, heavily influenced by mom Mary 35-50. Lovely stranger who purchases the seat vacated unexpectedly by Philip Radio Commentator. (Not seen; pre-recorded). Preferably Bryan Hall On-Field Announcer. (Not seen; pre-recorded)

SETTING Anywhere: Edmonton, Alberta. May to November 2006 Scene 1: Training camp field, sidelines. Other scenes: Commonwealth Stadium seats **Script sections flanked by asterisks** indicate on-field action

DEDICATED

To CFL fans everywhere

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 2 Pre-show Music – Tub Thumpin’, Ooowatanite, Check, My Cousin has a Grey Cup Ring, Grey Cup March, Stompin’ Tom’s Football Song Blackout Scene 1 Late May Music: Are You Ready for This? Coach: (C enters, sets up lawn chair.) Let there be football! Thomas: (T enters w/lawn chair.) And Coach saw that it was good. (Shake hands) Coach: Hey, Thomas! A new season, finally! (T sets chair left of C). Other side. Thomas: What? Coach: You always sit over there. Thomas: It’s only training camp. (T moves far right). James: (J enters w/lawn chair, Horton’s) Four double-doubles and eight crullers. Thomas: James, you old perv. Thanks! Coach: Move down. That’s Philip’s spot. James: But it’s training camp… Coach: Have you forgotten everything in six months? Look what’s at stake. Thomas/ James: We are defending Grey Cup Champions! Coach: Not only that, we are defending… Thomas/ James: The longest playoff streak in North American professional sports history. Coach: You can’t go switching things up, putting down lawn chairs any old place. (J puts

chair by T; extra goodies in the space) ** Thomas: Here comes the team! (stand, cheer, whistle, sit). ** James: Look at all those guys, in the best shape of their lives… Thomas: Fighting for a handful of jobs. James: Are we going to be blessed with Mrs. Coach’s company this season? (C negative)

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 3 Thomas: You’re not still in mediation? Coach: Just can’t seem to resolve it. James: Relationships are complicated. Thomas: That’s for sure. Coach: What would you know about it? ** Thomas: (to field) Cut that guy! He’s already winded! Coach: He’s never seen a field this big before. (to field) Sneaks up on you doesn’t it? James: (to field) In Canada, size matters! Thomas: I’ll bet you twenty bucks he doesn’t make it past the first week. James: Easy money. He’ll survive preseason then get flambéed. ** Thomas: Are you still taking that French program? James: Finis in deux weeks. Coach: I don’t know why you’d want to parlez vous, unless you’re switching teams. James: I’m not switching teams. Just looking for beaucoup de job opportunities. Coach: You’ve got a good job. Thomas: I don’t know how you do it, working and studying. James: And keeping myself so buff. My body is a temple. Thomas: Temple of doom. James: Dare I ask, Thomas? How’s momsy? Thomas: She’s living with me again. James: You’re a good man. Thomas: I’m a lonely man. James: Having a dry spell myself. Thomas: I don’t even know why women go for you. James: Apart from the charm and good looks?

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 4 Thomas: You’re kind of a pig. James: Mais non! Coach: Mais oui. James: I’m nice once you get to know me. Coach: I’ve known you for thirty years. James: But do either of you really know me? Methinks big changes are afoot for James… Coach: Methinks a foot up your butt is more likely. Snacks, stat! James: Got the right licorice? Not that cheap Wal-Mart stuff? Coach: Fresh Red Twizzlers. (produces licorice) Thomas has the spits. Thomas: Regular (reluctantly) and Dill Pickle. (produces Spitz) Coach: Don’t like the sound of that. Thomas: Thought we could try something different this year. Coach: Give me strength. (To T) We won last year. James: We don’t need different. ** Thomas: I was ahead at the casino last night so I thought I’d bring a treat for you guys. (to

field) You call that a tip-drill? Come on, this is pro football! ** James: Wait, you won at cards and only bought an extra bag of sunflower seeds? Thomas: I was going to get subs, but my mom… James: Philip better bring the peanuts. Coach: He knows the drill. Thomas: I ran into him a couple of months ago at the VLTs. He has a girlfriend. James: Lucky bastard. Coach: I don’t like the sound of that. Thomas: Why not? Coach: Women screw with tradition.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 5 Thomas: Son of a… ** James: (to field) Nice kick! Did you see the leg on that one? Boom! ** Thomas: (to C) So you’re the only guy that gets to have a wife? Coach: If either of you idiots really wanted a wife you’d have one by now. James: I’ve had wives. Thomas: Ever wonder why you can’t keep them? James: They just weren’t the right ones. I’m on a quest now. I’ll figure it out. Coach: You’re not into that touchy-feely shrink crap, are you? Thomas: Shrink wrap? Coach: Shrink – space - crap. I’ve had my wife for sixteen years. We’re a perfect match. Thomas: Then why don’t we ever get to see her? James: You know why, Thomas. Tradition. Coach: None of us wants to return to the days before… James: The streak. Thomas: Salvation. ** (Clapping, lull in action) ** Coach: Do you two nimrods even remember what it’s like to lose? Puberty was rough, but

when your team stinks, it’s down right hellish. Thomas: I remember. If my parents won on the game I’d get cheese on my sandwiches. But

usually it was plain baloney. Coach: Life before was darkness. (pray) Thank you, Lord, for this championship team... Thomas: And may we be blessed with a 35th consecutive year in the playoffs... James: Our rightful reward for unwavering faith and devotion... Coach: In sickness and in health, ‘til death us do part. All: Amen! ** Thomas: (to field) Run your routes, boys. This isn’t rocket science!

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 6 James: Time to separate the Tarzans from the Janes! ** Coach: Where in god’s name is Philip? (Silence) Pre-season is as exciting as it is

terrifying. Thomas: I agree. You’re intrigued by the fresh talent, yet you long for the familiar. Coach: It’s a catch-52. I’ve got a bad feeling in my colon. James: We’d worry if you didn’t worry. I’m going to drink Philip’s coffee. Coach: No you’re not. James: But Philip’s not here and I bought it. Coach: Tradition! Four guys, four coffees, eight fancies. Spitz. Twizzlers. Peanuts. Thomas: But if one guy doesn’t show up? Coach: It’s never happened before, but I’m not messing with it. Thomas: Better just leave it for a homeless person. James: Can I eat his crullers? (shake heads) Better ditch the dill pickle spits, too. Blackout Lawn chairs are cleared. Overheads Pre Season June 03: Edmonton 8 at Saskatchewan 4 Pre Season June 09: Saskatchewan 22 at Edmonton 7 Season Opener June 17: Edmonton 14 at Calgary 24

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 7 Scene 2

Spot on Coach downstage. Coach does his game-day dressing rituals as he listens to the pre-game show on the radio. We see his work smock with “Peter” on it – not a prestigious job. Through football he becomes “Coach” with a more satisfying life. He talks to his wife off stage occasionally.

Announcer: It’s a beautiful June evening and this city is ready for some football. Both pre-

season games were losses but no one is too worried about that. Just one week ago in the regular season opener, two great rivals met on the field and no one is sure just how our boys managed to lose that one by ten. Tonight the battle continues. Let’s see if the home crowd and grass field can work its magic for our defending Grey Cup Champions. My guy says wind will not be a factor…

Coach: He’s back for another season! Isn’t that amazing, honey? Stick with tradition, that’s

how you do it. Been around even longer than the streak! Even has Grey Cup rings. That sure stands for something, don’t you think? He may be the only guy that loves this team more than I do. T-shirt’s a little threadbare but so what. Have you seen my lucky dog tags? I think green jersey for the first home game, don’t you? Green for the last real turf in the League. Which lucky hat? Right.

Blackout Scene 3 Overheads Home Opener June 24: Calgary at Edmonton Music: Our House Light on the stadium stands, four seats in a row. Coach: (Enters, takes aisle seat w/gear, beer, flag) Excellent. Thomas, James, Philip.

Team. As it was the beginning, is now and ever shall be; streak without end. Amen. James/ Thomas: (enter w/gear, beer; sit at C’s right w/space for Philip) Amen. James: The hat? Superb. Coach: Lucky t-shirt, extra-lucky horn. Nice! Where’s your jersey? James: Carrying it. I think the t-shirt has enough power tonight. Coach: (to T) Lucky shorts! Outstanding. Thomas: And finger. I’m ready. Coach: Hey guys…I’m not a big one for words…

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 8 James/ Thomas: Since when? Coach: I just wanted to say thanks for the sympathy cards. Really appreciated it. James: He was an excellent player. Thomas: I can’t believe they cut him. He looked so good at camp. James: Wonder if he’ll sign with another team. Coach: He deserved to retire here. In these colours. (Gets weepy) Damn, you Philip! I

better not have to fly the missing fan formation tonight. Thomas: No doubt you sent the club a shocked-and-appalled letter? (C nods) And? Coach: No restraining order, this time. James: I’d just better not have to buy my own peanuts. Coach: And that’s another thing! No peanuts allowed in the stadium. (shows booklet). James: Did someone die? They better have! Holy. Thomas: I ran into Philip in the beer line. Coach: Praise the lord! Thomas: I met his girlfriend. James: Is she hot? Thomas: Not bad. Older. James: Older how? Thomas: Our age. Just not younger, if you know what I mean. James: How’s her rack? Thomas: Didn’t notice. (Pause) Pretty nice. Coach: Where are we supposed to put this old broad? Thomas: Not going to be an issue. Coach: Of course! She’ll see one game, get bored, then Philip’s good to go for the season. Thomas: Philip’s got a new seat down in the high rent section.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 9 Coach: Well, what about this seat? Thomas: He didn’t say. James: Holy! (To T) What are we going to do? Coach: This season is starting off very badly… Coach/ James/ Thomas: Schmeebs! (gesture boobs) (Mary enters w/huge drink. Squeezes past C.) Coach: That’s Philip’s seat. Mary: I don’t think so. (M shows ticket) Coach: Well, don’t go getting too attached to us. I’m sure he’ll be back next game. Mary: I bought this seat for the entire season. I’m Mary, a friend of... Coach: Well that’s just fan-frigging-tastic, isn’t it. James: Hi Mary, I’m James. That’s Coach and this is Thomas. Normally Philip is here, but

it looks like he made other plans and forgot to tell us. Mary: Nice to meet you, I think. So, what are you coach of? Thomas: Peter’s the coach of, well, nothing. Mary: How did you get the name? James: He gave it to himself years ago and insisted that everyone call him that. Coach: What do you know about this game? Mary: Some. Thomas: She’s green! Coach: As long as you’re the right shade, and not one of those who walks among us. Any

football questions, ask me. Mary: I’ll try not to be a burden, Peter. Coach: Coach. ** Announcer: It’s the kick off … and… he’s got it at the 20 and still going… All: (Cheering) Run! Run! (wince, cheer) **

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 10 Mary: So have you guys been fans for a while? Coach: Only our whole lives. Season 28 in these very seats. Mary: What do you guys do when you’re not here? Thomas: James is the most audacious accountant I know. James: Thomas’ bag is made of leather. Mary: Excuse me? Thomas: I’m a letter carrier. And it’s not made of leather anymore. It’s man-made fibres. Coach: More like manhandled. Thomas: (to M) That’s a big drink you’ve got. Mary: I have a strict rule. Only one drink per game. James: But that must hold … Mary: 52 ounces. James: Of? Thomas: Wait! Bet you a sawbuck I can guess. Mary: Without tasting or smelling? You’re on. Thomas: I’m thinking something fruity. Daiquiri? No, wait. Pina colada! Mary: Five dollars, please. James: Now me! A slow comfortable screw up against the wall? Mary: Pay up. James: Wait, that’s not my guess, it’s my fantasy. My guess is a Screwdriver. Mary: Five bucks, and no to anything “screw” related. Other takers? Then to 2006! James/ Thomas: Cheers! Coach: (looking down) And screw you, Philip, I hope you're happy. ** ACTION (Opponents run for a touchdown) Coach: No, No!

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 11 James: Stop him! Thomas: Son of a… Mary: Oh, for Fox Creek! Coach: Give me strength! James: He was wide open! Thomas: There they go with that brutal touchdown dance. Mary: Man, I hate that. James: I think it’s kind of fun, you know, the choreography… Coach: Fun? Thomas: Come on! Act like you’ve been there! ** Coach: (to M) You need to colour up. Mary: Pardon me? Coach: Wear team colours. You look like you could be anywhere, except a football game. Mary: I’ve got colours. You just can’t see them. James: I’m intrigued… Thomas: I probably won’t sleep tonight. Coach: If Philip were here, he’d be head-to-toe in colours. Thomas: (quietly) Maybe she can’t afford logo-wear. Mary: I can afford it. Coach: Ah ha! Just freakin’ perfect. Philip gets replaced by a gal who’s not bad for her age

but is obviously going for the other side. Mary: Gal? For my age? Thomas: She’s pretty hot for any age, really. Mary: (either stated or acted) I’m sitting right here! Coach: This is going to be a disaster.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 12 Mary: You may be right about that. (M’s cell rings; quietly) Hello? No! Three. Yes. I’m ok.

No. Definitely do not. Bye. Thomas: Trouble with your kid? Mary: I don't have any kids. James: So, is your brother playing tonight? Husband? Thomas: Boyfriend? Mary: No, no, and no. Coach: Will you hounds quit pissing on the bushes and watch the game! ** Announcer: “Your defense is working hard. Let’s help them out!” All: (general yelling; crescendo leading to good – we stop them) ** Mary: So Coach, what do you do? Coach: I’m doing it right now. Mary: I mean your job. ** Coach: (to field) Let’s go Big-D! Come on defense! ** Mary: So what’s the deal with the guy who normally sits here? Philip? James: Hilarious. Thomas: A stand-up guy. Coach: He used to be a loyal wingman but he’s obviously not a real fan. James/ Thomas: Coach! Mary: So, Peter, you get to decide what constitutes a real fan? Coach: Coach. I'm in a pretty good position to tell. Mary: Does the team pay you to monitor fan loyalty and dedication? Coach: I do it voluntarily. Mary: And what does this job entail? Coach: It entrails helping the team win by making sure the fans do their part. Enforcing the

commandments of sports fan-dom.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 13 Mary: Commandments? Coach: Thou shalt not sacrifice a winning tradition and your friends to chase tail. Thou

shalt not miss a game due to weather. Buy rain gear, for god’s sake! Mary: Thou shalt not wear your hat during the national anthem? Coach: Exactly. Thou shalt not go home early or leave your seat during the game. Mary: What if you have to go to the bathroom? Coach: Go before, halftime if you must. Anything else is just bad planning. Mary: Tough rule. Coach: Common sense. Mary: Common sense would dictate that you go to the can when you've got the urge. (C’s cell rings; whispers conversation) James: (to M) You get used to the rules, honestly. Thomas: Although there are times I’ve nearly blown a kidney. Mary: That’s not healthy. James: No, but it is tradition. Mary: And Coach is the keeper of the tradition? (they nod) Coach: (hangs up) Have you straightened out the rookie? Mary: I may have to revisit my one drink policy. Blackout Overheads Home Opener June 24: Calgary 14 at Edmonton 18 ☺!!! July 01: Edmonton 10 at Winnipeg 46 July 07: BC 20 at Edmonton 27 ☺!!!

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 14 Scene 4 Spot on James downstage. James listens to the pre-game show as he dresses for

a game. He takes good care of his looks. Even his t-shirts and jeans are ironed. Announcer: It’s a fine July evening in the middle of a heat wave. Some of these import players

think they’ve got it made with this weather, but I wonder how they’ll feel come playoff time in November. After winning the home opener and then getting dumped, we are flying high again after a victory in week 4 and a bye in week 5. We’re 500 heading into week 6 and looking to make some trouble for our opponent tonight…

James: Man, he’s sure seen it all. And how about that hair? How about my hair? Looking

good after my workout and swim. Nailed the interview. Phone is charged. Maybe I’ll get that call tonight and share the news. Got my man jewelry. Best ten bucks I ever spent. I loved beating those cheatin’ weasels. White jersey, symbolizing the purity of the playoff streak. Ah, my lucky horn…

Blackout Scene 5 Overhead July 20: Winnipeg at Edmonton Music: Doin’ it Right Light on the stadium stands. (C sits).

(J enters w/cushion, horn, beer. T follows fairly close behind with pack, beer). James: You changed hats? I switched t-shirts. Carrying the jersey again. (checks cell) Thomas: Son of a…you guys changed your gear! James: Weak start. Went to plan B immediately. Thomas: Two-and-two isn’t that weak. I didn’t change anything. (to J) Expecting a call? James: Yeah. Do you want to know from whom? Thomas: Where’s Mary? Coach: You mean the one who’s not Philip? James: I wonder why she left at the half last game. Thomas: She seemed into it.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 15 Coach/ James/ Thomas: Schmeebs! (Gesture boobs) (M enters w/drink.) Coach: Last game too much for you? James: You left. Mary: I left you, not the game. Sadly, the seat near my friends isn’t available tonight. Thomas: I see you’ve still got that big drink. Mary: Actually, it’s a new drink. Care to make another guess for five bucks? Thomas: Yes I would. It’s a Bloody Caesar! James: No, it’s a Bloody Mary! It just stands to reason… Mary: No and no. Five bucks each, please. ** Announcer: Here they are, the league’s finest. (Cheerleaders enter field). ** James: The cheerleaders are so good. Coach: Thomas just likes the guys. Thomas: Very funny. James is the one with the seat cushion. Mary: They’re the best in the League. Coach: I liked it better when they were more traditional. James: You mean the jiggle fest? Mary: I used to be one. Just kidding. Put your tongues back in your mouths, these girls

are young enough to be your daughters. What do you think of the guys? Thomas: Real athletes. James: Total studs. Coach: You guys sound… Mary: Enlightened? Coach: No, that wasn’t it. (to M; all applaud) Thomas: (Cell rings).Hello? No! (Quieter) Two hundred on three in the fourth, not four

hundred on two in the third. Say it back. Once more. Good. (Hangs up) Mom.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 16 Mary: (to J) You seem to be waiting for a call? James: I had a job interview today. An amazing opportunity. (silence) Thomas: Right on. Mary: That’s it? “Right on.” You’re friends! Don’t you want to know what the job is? Coach: I’m good. Thomas: He’s an accountant. You’re the mystery. Mary: Fine. What do you want to know? Thomas: Why doesn’t a girl like you have a husband or boyfriend? James: Or a girlfriend-husband? Mary: How do you know I don’t? Coach: You can just tell. Mary: Fine. Seven-year relationship. Bad breakup. Thomas: When did you break up? Mary: A while ago. (realizing) Nine years next week. James: So you’ve been broken up longer than you were in the relationship? Mary: Well, when you say it out loud… Thomas: Ever think that it might be time to move on? James: Smooth. (To M) What do you do? Mary: I own a renovation company. Tickets in carpentry and sheet metal. James: Really? Can I hire you to do some work at my place? I’m fixing it to sell. Thomas: You are? Mary: Here’s my number. Call me. (gives card) Thomas: (to J) Don’t you dare use that for anything but business. ** Announcer: After the measurement, it’s a first down. Mary: First Down! 1-2-3, move those yardsticks! (Hits Coach; Silence) Don’t you guys do

that one?

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 17 Thomas: Teach us. Mary: You just go 1-2-3, move those yardsticks and point down field. OK? 1-2-3… James/ Thomas/ Mary: Move those yardsticks! ** Coach: We don’t need a new cheer. (Agitated) And the game shouldn’t be this close.

James! Jersey! Now! James: Yes, Coach! (Puts on jersey) Thomas: I wonder where the titty, er beer, lady is. James: I’d settle for the beer dude (silence). Well, I’m really thirsty. Thomas: Let’s make a beer run. Coach: You will wait two minutes to the half. ** James: Right. (yelling) This team is playing like crap! Fire the coach! ** Mary: Come off it! Fire the coach? A month in? Coach: I have to have faith that they know what they’re doing. This club always builds on

success, right? Mary: Sure, even in bleak times, we made the playoffs. Coach: (To a fan) Hey, you going to the big game in November? We've got forty rooms.

Let me know if you want in. Thomas: Are you going to Grey Cup? Mary: I don’t know. Thomas: You should go. Check with Coach about a room. Coach: We’re all full up. James: But you just offered them… Mary: Never mind. ** Announcer: And that’s the half (gun, followed by Go for a Soda) All: (Cheering) Good half team. Good start. (T& J exit) ** Coach: If you love the head coach so much, why don’t you marry him?

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 18 Mary: I don’t love him but it’s too soon to sack anyone. Coach: The kicker? Mary: Get real. Coach: (Pause, then to M) So what do you think so far? Mary: Team is disappointing. Some of the fans are kind of ignorant. Coach: I know what you mean about that. Mary: What got you started? Coach: I stunk at math until a teacher connected everything to the CFL. Made me track

team and player stats and it all made sense. Mary: Figures. Good with numbers, not so much with people. So how long have you

known these guys? Coach: As kids we’d hook up every season on hemorrhoid hill. When the new stadium

opened, us four got tickets together. All those winning seasons. Mary: Life-long buddies through football. Coach: I thought so, and then this Philip thing… Mary: Maybe if you were in touch in the off-season it wouldn’t be such a puzzle. Coach: What we have is perfect. Mary: Does everyone feel that way? James/ Thomas: (return w/ beer) Excuse me, excuse me. James: (to M) Want a beer? Mary: Thanks, but my rule… Coach: Where's mine? Thomas: Could only get two each. You know the drill. Mary: Do you shoot beer through that horn? James: Those days are behind me but be my guest. (Thomas offers his) Mary: How long have you had it?

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 19 James: Longer than your relationship and breakup combined. Mary: When’s the last time you cleaned it? James: Cleaned it? Mary: (cell rings, J checks, M answers) Now what? Stay away. Bye. James: Someone sure seems to want something from you. Mary: I’ll see them later. ** ACTION Yelling “D”, “D”, “D” ** Thomas: (looking down several rows) Hey, there goes Philip! Coach: It figures she’d make him go to the concourse and miss something. Mary: How do you know she made him do anything? James: He didn’t even wave. Coach: Philip has turned his back on the light. Mary: You guys are the freakin’ light? Coach: No, they are. (to field) Thomas: Philip didn’t turn his back, Coach. He’s still here. He’s even paying more for his

seats, plus he introduced a new fan. Coach: New fan? That Jezebel seduced him with her nice rack. Mary: Nice rack? Coach: She’ll go to just enough games to sink in her talons, and poof, you’ve lost football. James: And in my case, the house. Thomas: Twenty bucks says Philip lasts until the semi-finals. James: My twenty says til Thanksgiving. Coach: I say within the next two games Philip and football are done. Mary: My twenty says he makes it all season and I’ll raise you a double-saw that the

girlfriend is still here, too. Thomas: A dangerous, complex bet. I’m intrigued…

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 20 James: What if it doesn’t work out and Philip wants to come back? Mary: It will work out. The more you dislike your friend’s partner, the more likely they’ll

stick together for life just to make you miserable. Coach: That is the first sensible thing you’ve said. Mary: Thanks. What’s really important is that the double standard is alive and well. Thomas: I don’t follow… Mary: Simple. Coach gets to have a partner and anyone else who follows their hearts or

doesn’t follow the rules exactly is banished. Coach: My situation is different. You haven’t got a friggin’ clue. Thomas: Coach… Mary: I don’t have a clue? What’s not to get? You have special status and everyone else

gets treated like a wad of tape unless they jump through your arbitrary hoops… Coach: They’re not arbutary. They’re tradition. And I wouldn’t have to pester so much if

everyone would just do his or her friggin’ part. Thomas: Both of you stop it! Coach, I think you should apologize to Mary. Coach: For what? Fine. I’m sorry. Mary: What are you sorry for? Coach: Oh Christ. James: Mary, I think you owe Coach an apology too. Mary: You’ve got to be kidding. Sorry. Coach: (pause) There’s so much pressure to keep the streak alive. I get fustrated when

things don’t go right. I feel like I’m letting them down. (To field) Mary: Yeah, I don’t know what else to do to help them. (to field) ** ACTION – Guys wave flag, blow horn, and ring cowbell. ** Mary: So you guys really don’t have anyone? James: Just waiting for you to come to your senses and marry me. Mary: And then in a year I get my free house?

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 21 James: Maybe I’ll rethink my offer. *** James: Aw, come on! What kind of a play was that? ** Coach: “They read the quarterback’s eyes.” Thomas: “But he threw it on a rope.” James: “On a frozen rope.” Mary: Oh my god! You guys sound like the TSN crew! Thomas: We can do better. Coach: “Bet he wishes he had that one back.” James: “Threaded the needle.” Thomas: “With authority.” James: “Up the gut.” Coach: “Off the schneid.” Thomas: “With intensity.” James: “Climbed the ladder.” Thomas: “From the get-go.” Coach: “The real deal.” James: “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.” Mary: “Did I ever tell you about the time I held during the 1989 Grey Cup?” (round of high

fives) ** (Bad play on field, bad play on replay screen – it’s a nut thing; all drink) ** Thomas: I went to my long service banquet last night. Mary: Who did you take? Thomas: It wasn’t a complete write off. I was given a weekend for two at the Banff Springs. James: Hope it doesn’t have an expiry date. I’ll give you two hundred bucks for it. Thomas: Thanks, but I think I’ll hold onto it awhile. You never know. Mary: Are you divorced?

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 22 Thomas: Never married. Coach: And getting weirder by the day. Pretty soon no one will want either of you guys. *** Mary: Nine seconds left! (They stand) James: Third down at their own goal line. Thomas: We’re going to win. Sack him! Coach: What a pass! James: No! Damn, he’s got it! Thomas: Don’t just stand there, tackle! Coach: Gone. One hundred yards. James: Touchdown. Mary: That’s the game. Coach: I want to see that again. Thomas: Believe me, you’ll see it on the highlight reels. Blackout Overheads July 20: Winnipeg 25 at Edmonton 22 July 28: Montreal 21 at Edmonton 13 August 04: Edmonton 17 at BC 34 August 11: Saskatchewan 18 at Edmonton 24 ☺!!! August 18: Edmonton 28 at BC 30 September 04 LABOUR DAY CLASSIC: Edmonton 23 at Calgary 44 September 08 LABOUR DAY REMATCH: Calgary 26 at Edmonton 35 ☺!!! September 16: Edmonton 22 at Hamilton 27

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 23 SCENE 6 Spot on Mary, down stage. Mary dresses for a game while listening to the pre-

game show. She has team gear but decides among nearly identical white t-shirts. Minimal preening but many rituals.

Announcer: After that devastating last second loss in week 6 we hit a bit of a rough patch with

five losses and a couple of wins. Sure, a couple of those losses could just as easily have been ours, but they weren’t folks. Now in week 15 we’re at 4 and 8, heading into the second half of our back-to-back games with the last place team and trying to redeem ourselves from the last outing. No doubt the rival quarterback is looking forward to revenge on his old home turf. It’s anybody’s guess what our guys will do tonight. Which team wants this more?”

Mary: Man, that guy has been there my whole life. Helps me prepare for the game. (To

offstage) Hey, remember I’m going to the game tonight? (Silence) Oh, right. I live alone. Nine years? How did that happen? Now that’s a slump. A closet full of lucky clothes and a team that’s 4 and 8. Which shirt tonight? Not like I’m dressing up for anyone. A trio of men who are so superstitious they make bingo players look sane. Maybe I should dress like a troll doll…

Blackout SCENE 7 Overhead September 22: Hamilton at Edmonton Music: Barracuda C, T, & James sit w/beers. J checks his cell) Coach: (yelling) Come on, show ‘em who’s boss! (to J) Still staring at the friggin’ cell? Thomas: I’ll bite. What’s the job? James: My dream job. Coach: (whispers) James: Other dream job. Thomas: What would constitute a dream job for an accountant? Coach: Especially one like you? James: Don’t want to jinx it.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 24 Coach/ James/ Thomas: (Mary enters w/drink) Schmeebs! Mary: (C glares) Why don’t you guys just sit together? I’ll take Thomas’s seat and you

guys move in. Thomas: (rising) Sure! Coach: No! It’s tradition that we sit in this order. Mary: But with Philip, not me. Thomas: You can learn to be lucky like Philip. We’ll get the mojo going. Coach: We need the real Philip. Mary: (moves in, sits) Look, until a seat opens up near my friends, we’re stuck with each

other. Besides, I doubt your precious Philip would even come back here. Coach: He might. Mary: He’s won’t. Looks like he’s washed his hands of you guys. Deal with it! Coach: What would you know about dealing with things. Nine years. ** All: (Bass pounding) Let’s get ready to rumble! (Loudspeaker: “Are You Ready for

This?) ** Coach: (to M) I still think you need to colour up. Mary: I told you, I’m coloured under. Thomas: I haven’t stopped thinking about that. Coach: But if you’re going to sit here you should look the part. Mary: I am going to sit here, but I’ll just keep on wearing whatever I like, if you don’t mind. Coach: I do mind. Mary: It was rhetorical. I don’t actually care what you think. Coach: But Philip would… Mary: I don’t give a rat’s ass what Philip would do. ** Announcer: That’s a big sack. Some lucky section will win perogies to take home. ** Thomas: I never win the perogies.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 25 James: I’ve never known anyone to win the perogies. Coach: It’s probably rigged. Mary: I doubt they’d bother. Perogy-gate doesn’t seem like a big story. Thomas: Perogy-gate. (Laughing) James: Don’t be so obvious. ** Loudspeaker: Man I Feel Like a Woman. (James & Mary share a dance) (Now on offense) ** Mary: So what did everyone do last weekend? Coach: Just a reminder, we don’t go in for that sort of thing here. Mary: I think human connection enhances the game day experience. Coach: I think it un-hances. We’re here to work. Mary: I’m here to have fun. Thomas: Me too. Coach: I’m having fun, damn it. But it’s hard work, too. James: Relax, Coach. Coach: How can I relax when we’re losing? We need to be more disciplined. James: I think we should try it Mary’s way. If she’s right things could go better. Coach: We shouldn’t need better. We’re defending champions. Mary: But we do need better. Plus I think it’s sad that you guys don’t have more to your

relationship than…this. Coach: (mimicking her) “I think it’s sad.” This coming from the relationship expert. Thomas: Coach, enough! Mary: You’re one to talk Mr. Mediation. Thomas: Mary! Mary: I just thought this would be more fun, that’s all. Thomas: OK I’ll play. I took mom to a casino, racetrack, and travel agent. Coach: They’re not letting her back in Las Vegas?

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 26 Thomas: She thinks she can fly under the radar in casinos built after 1994. Mary: And what did you do, James? Cougar hunt at the bar? James: Hey, I’m on your side. Mary: Sorry. James: Went to the pool, gym. Prepped my house for your reno team. You? Mary: Wedding dress shopping. Thomas: Not yours! Mary: My sister’s. It was brutal. Thomas: You don’t like the guy? Mary: I don’t like my sister much at the moment. I’m not sure about the guy. Thomas: Unemployed? Abusive? Coach: Gambler? Mary: No. James: I know the problem. I’ll take “Ex wife from hell” for two hundred, Alex. Mary: No exes. No kids. James: Sounds like a real bastard. Mary: I know. ** ACTION – The wave. ** Mary: (picking up thread) It’s just that my sister and I had this thing that we always did

together and in struts this Phil…this fellow… Coach: And suddenly you’re as useful as a spare prick at a wedding. Mary: So it’s not only women that screw with tradition. But she seems so happy. I just

wouldn’t mind a piece of that. Coach: I’m sure it’s not that bad. You’ll find another knitting club or whatever it is you gals

did together. Mary: Knitting club? Kiss my lily white…

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 27 ** All: Yell; ACTION– Referring to the field) ** Thomas: So what did you do last weekend, Coach? Coach: You can’t be serious. James: Oh, but we are. Coach: Wedding. (They wait for him to continue) Not our scene. Fancy-ish. They even

read the bride’s favourite sonnet. I asked my wife if she had one of those. She said, “Probably something by Alice Cooper.”

Thomas: Wish we could see her more often. You found yourself a rare gem. James: Not like my ex-wives. Thomas: Tell Mary how you met 3X. James: 3X the mall hairdresser. When she was working on me I asked, “Do you cut

women’s hair, too?” She says, “Yes” so I point to my teeth and say, “Then can you cut this one? It’s been stuck there for days.” She married me four months later.

Mary: What a beautiful story. And that didn’t last? James: Less than a year. Mary: Perhaps you’re just not the marrying kind. James: Why would you say that? Thomas: Because you stink at it. Mary: You’re oh-and-3. You’ve called for the coach’s head for better stats than that. Coach: I’m guessing the problem is you. James: Maybe. But still, it would be nice to have someone… Thomas: Amen. Coach: “Someones” can really screw up a football season. Mary: Amen. James: (J’s cell rings) Hello? Yes this is he. Coach: This is he? James: Yes. Yes. No. Yes. I see. Thomas: Uh-oh.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 28 James: Of course. When. Yes. Thank you. (Hangs up) Coach: That’s sure some fancy work voice you’ve got there, James. Mary: Was that the call you’ve been waiting for? James: It was one of them. Thomas: Sorry, man. James: No, I got it! Second choice mind you. I won’t commit until I hear about the top one. Mary: What does this runner up look like? James: I’d be the new prairie liaison in the Auditor General’s office. Thomas: Sounds important. Mary: But isn’t the AG’s office in Ottawa? Coach: They don’t even have a team right now. James: They’ll get it back. Coach/ James/ Thomas: (hands to the centre, in reverence) Go Ottawa! Coach: (cell rings) Hi. What an animal! No, looked clean from here. Me too. James: Say hi from us. Coach: James and Thomas say hi. Hi back. OK, bye. (hangs up) ** All: “Fence”, “Fence”, “Fence” ** Mary: Your wife calls during a game? Is that why the mediation? James: Story time! Once upon a time there were two season ticket holders who met and

fell in love. Thomas: But neither wanted to give up his or her seat because they were both superstitious. Mary: (to C) You mean she’s just like you? James: So every home game, they kiss good-bye at the gate and watch the game apart. Coach: And that was fine, I mean everyone knows you can’t screw with the streak. But

after we’d been married a couple of years I figured we should sit together.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 29 Mary: Seems reasonable. Coach: That’s what I thought. But she wouldn’t give up her seat and move here. Mary: So why didn’t you give up yours? (silence) OK, why didn’t you both give up your

seats and sit in a new place? Coach: That’s what the mediation is for. She won’t leave the west side and I won’t leave

the east. We’re at an impark. Thomas: How much have you spent on mediation? Coach: Nearly eight grand. And all we keep coming back to is that we’d better stay put, at

least until the streak ends, which is never going to happen. She’s directly across from us. Probably yelling…

Mary: Maybe it’s just as well that you don’t sit in the same section. I guess you were right,

Coach. I didn’t have a clue. I am sorry. Coach: You already apologized. Mary: I didn’t mean it before. Coach: Me neither. Mary: I know. Coach: Cheers. (Pause) What’s a sonnet? Mary: A poem of fourteen decasyllabic or octosyllabic lines… Thomas: Properly expressing two successive phases of a single thought or idea. James: Holy. Coach: I figured as much. Blackout Overheads September 22: Hamilton 20 at Edmonton 18 September 30: Edmonton 30 at Saskatchewan 25 ☺!!! October 09: Edmonton 23 at Toronto 28

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 30 SCENE 8 Spot on Thomas, downstage. Thomas dresses for a game while listening to the

pre-game show. He takes more care than he might normally have done. He occasionally addresses his mother off stage.

Announcer: It’s a cloudy fall day but my guy says the rain will hold off. Losing back-to-back

games with the last place team was helped out a bit by our victory in week 16. Unfortunately, our team wasn’t feeling very thankful after their holiday Monday beating. It should have been theirs, folks. Tonight a chance for revenge as our 5 and 10 team heads into the rematch. A victory tonight means the playoff hope remains alive…”

Thomas: We need this win. Come on, St. Bryan, give us some of that good luck.

Mathematically, we can still make it. But none of our stuff is working. It’s screwed up. (To offstage) Remember I can’t take you to bingo tonight, mom? There’s a fifty on the table for you. A hundred? Uh, ok. (To himself) The gold jersey never feels quite right. I wonder if she’ll like it. It’s worth a try. Sometimes she’s so sweet I could…sometimes she’s scary. Coach brings that out in her. She can hold her own. Please St. Bryan; help me choose the right wardrobe. And the right words.

Blackout

SCENE 9 Overhead October 14: Toronto at Edmonton

Music: Under Pressure The four are standing at the game, post field goal. C, T, & J w/beer, M w/drink.

** Announcer: And it’s another football into the endzone for… All: High - school - football! (Guys field mini footballs; sit, empty handed.) ** Mary: You can buy mini footballs anywhere, you know. Coach: They’re free here. Mary: But they’re for the kids to catch. James: It doesn’t work that way. (to T) Tell me again how this playoff run is going to work. Thomas: OK. We need to win tonight and the team just ahead of us needs to lose tomorrow. James: So even when we win, our destiny isn’t in our hands. Thomas: Shhh.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 31 Coach: I hate that. Mary: It’s better than no hope at all. (all agree) ** Negative response to field ** Mary: What do your fan commandments have to say about booing? Coach: Easy. Thou shalt not boo your own team. Mary: Even when they’ve been in the red zone four times and only got three points? James: Even then. Thou shalt not boo the opponents, except for on dirty plays. Mary: How about the refs? Coach: They’ve got a tough job. Thomas: We respect what they do. James: They’re right there and in the best position to see... ** Announcer: There’s a flag on the play. Roughing the passer. Coach: Aw come on Ref! James: Where’s your Seeing Eye dog? Thomas: There are two teams out there! Coach: Boo! Boo! ** Mary: That’s what I figured. So what did everyone do last week? Thomas: I went to the track, then polished my cowbell. James: Whoa. TMI! Coach: I told you not to rub that thing so much. Thomas: No, really. (Shows it) Mary: More cowbell! James: I had a house full of renovators. Mary: Nice place, James. Very tasteful. Impressive library. James: You sound surprised.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 32 Mary: I am surprised. You seem like such a jock. Like you were born into this. James: I was. My old man used to play back in the day, when everyone watched the CFL. Coach: When you didn’t have to defend three-down football. The holy trinity. Thomas: (sign of the cross) QB, kicker, goal-ie post. James: Dad wanted me to be a jock like him, so naturally I avoided all sports. But the day

after his funeral I took a bus to the stadium and bought an end zone ticket just to spite him.

Thomas: As I recall, you brought a book with you. James: In case I didn’t like the game. But I did like it so I kept going. Coach: We kept our distance from the weird kid for the first few games, but once he put

away the book he wasn’t too bad. James: Dad would have loved the fights I got into in the stands. Mary: Beer horn related? James: One yes, one no. Coach: I had to beat you up. Thomas: That was awkward. James: And you didn’t beat me up. You sucker punched me for buying the wrong donuts. ** ACTION - They rise. Incomplete pass mid field. Coach: He went right overneath it! Coach/ James/ Thomas: Hail Walby! Mary: Missed it by a C-hair. Thomas: Did you just say C… Mary: Look, you can see dark underwear through that player’s white pants! James: After Labour Day, yet! ** Announcer: And that’s the half (gun) **

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 33 Coach: (C’s cell rings) Can you believe tied at the half? Meet you on the concourse in five.

I can miss the show. It’s not the dogs. (Hangs up) See you in the third. (C exits) Mary: So what’s the deal with Coach, anyway? Thomas: How do you mean? Mary: He’s so superstitious. Thomas: We all are. Mary: But he’s over the top. He punched you over pastries? James: I had it coming. Football’s the most important part of his life. Mary: He doesn’t seem happy. Thomas: But he is. As long as there’s this he’s over the Warren. (silence) Moon? James: Although he’s much more cheerful when we’re winning. Mary: So even if he’s biting off your heads, you still come and hang out with him. Thomas: We’re friends. James: Oh, there’s a guy I know. I’ll be right back. (J exits) ** ACTION: Half time entertainment in the background ** Mary/ Thomas: So…Sorry…You go first… Mary: OK. How did you become hopelessly addicted to this game? Thomas: After dad left there was no one for my mom to bet with, so she started betting me

my allowance. She took me for four-bits a week. Mary: This sounds a bit twisted. Thomas: My strategy was to have her teach me everything -- how to play the spread,

calculate the odds. Then I started going to games to learn the mechanics. That made the difference. She hasn’t beaten me on the CFL in years, not counting this year. We’re even at the track but she kicks my butt in Baseball and spelling bees.

Mary: You’re not kidding…All that gambling can’t be healthy. Thomas: Sitting around the house all day isn’t healthy either. Mary: No, but it’s free.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 34 Thomas: It’s her money. Some of it, anyway. Mary: Does your mom owe you money, Thomas? Thomas: A little. If I get wind that she’s up, I take some and try to win back the rest. Mary: Maybe you should just save what’s left. Thomas: I’m sure to you that sounds reasonable, but we’re not really wired that way.

Sometimes you need to win it back all at once. Kind of like third and thirty in your own red zone. No time for five yard plays. You need to lob that Hail Mary pass. Go deep and pray to god.

Mary: Right. I see. Thomas: Do you? Mary: Well, I get the football analogy anyway. Thomas: Good. (J & C return) I thought you were going to miss the second half kick off. Coach: Oh ye of little faith. ** Whistle to start the half ** Thomas: Arg! Noooo! He pooched it! What kind of a kick was that? Ah, crap! Coach: So Thomas, how are you doing on ProLine? Thomas: Bite me. James: I took him for twenty on the coin toss. Thomas: (T’s cell rings) Hello. Yes. Repeat that? Where? Can you hold a moment please?

It’s an emergency. I need to go. Mary: Is everything all right? (T shakes head) Coach: The game is still on. Thomas: I really can’t help it. Coach: Look at the scoreboard. This is life or death, Thomas! Thomas: (into phone) Is the situation under control, officer? Is there any immediate danger?

Then I’ll be along just as soon as I can. Good-bye. Coach: Good decision. **

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 35 ACTION/TIME PASSES - Cheering All: Run, run, run! ** James: (J’s cell rings). Hello? Yes, this is he. Yes. Yes. I see. Of course. That would be

fine. Thank you. (Hangs up) Yesssss! Thomas: You got it! (J nods; hugs) Mary: Details! Coach: This should be exciting. James: I’m definitely turning down the Ottawa job. New leaf. (pause) You are looking at the

new coach of the Tahiti national synchronized swim team. Coach/ Thomas/ Mary: Piss off! Thomas: How come we didn’t know about this? James: You never asked. You never ask about anything… Coach: You’re a freakin’ synchronized swimmer? James: Yes, and now I’m going to be a coach in Tahiti. Thomas: Road trip! Coach: What about football? James: In December I’ll have to relocate to French Polynesia. Thomas: It won’t be the same here next year. First Philip, now you? ** Announcer: Dragnet theme. There’s an injury time out on the field. ** Coach: I need to take a whiz. I shouldn’t have broken the seal at half time. Thomas: I can’t respond to an emergency yet you’re going to break a commandment? Coach: Injury time out is not a break, it’s a bend. James: Well crew, shall we let Coach have a leak? Mary: A blatant lack of self-control. Thomas: I say he can pee if he buys each of us a beer.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 36 Mary: Deal. Thomas: I’ll go help him carry them up. (C & T leave) Mary: So, this is pretty exciting news. James: Some pretty big changes. Mary: Sounds stressful. James: Early mid-life crisis I guess. Mary: People – the guys – will speculate. Three ex wives, synchronized swimming… James: I don’t care. Mary: Bull. James: I really don’t. I’ve no idea what the future holds, I just know I need to go

somewhere else and start over. I’m open to whatever or whoever comes my way. Mary: How well do you know Thomas? James: Why do you care? Mary: He seems like a decent guy. Charming in an odd way but on a slippery slope. James: If you like him, fine. But don’t try to rescue him. Mary: Thanks. Not that I should even care, but if we lose what will happen to Coach? James: I’ve been worried about that all week. Philip would have known what to do. I don’t. I

just picture springs popping out all over. Coach: (C & T return) Who’s popping out all over? I didn’t see her. Thomas: They’re really making us work for this win tonight. ** QB prepares to throw, scrambles. James: Watch the blitz! Coach: Hail Mary...Yes, what a circus catch! Thomas: It’s a footrace. Mary: Touchdown! Coach: We’re within a field goal. Thomas: Do or die.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 37 Coach: Everyone thinking positive? Mary: Absitively. Thomas: Posolutely. Announcer: 1:19 remaining. The pass is up…and…intercepted. Looks like he’s taking it all the

way back for a touchdown! All: No, no! (extreme bummer) Coach: I’m having didja view. Thomas: You mean that wasn’t just a replay of last week? Announcer: The faithful are heading to the exits and booing their team. Coach: What do you guys know about being faithful! Sit down! Mary: Coach, settle down. Coach: You never leave a game early in this league. Touchdown and a field goal? That’s

nothing! James: Coach is right. It’s not over. Thomas: Down by ten with a minute left. That’s doable. Coach: (standing) Come on guys, you’ve done this before. (all cheer) Mary: They’re definitely marching it down the field. Thomas: Good clock management. Keep it going. Just a little more time… James: The quarterback keeps and… Mary: He’s in for a touchdown! (all cheer, hug) Gun signals end of game Thomas: With zero on the clock. All: (stand, staring, mouths agape; then all look at Coach) ** Blackout

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 38 Overhead October 14: Toronto 28 at Edmonton 25 October 21: Edmonton 30 at Montreal 20 ☺!!! Scene 10 Stage is dimly lit as all four are offstage. Announcer: It really happened, folks. Right there in the dying seconds of week 18, the famed

playoff streak ended. The legacy is over. We’ve had a couple of weeks to digest it, including a win in week 19, but that was just bitter sweet. This city is angry, the club is angry, and any fans who aren’t angry are probably still in shock. We’ve been hearing the “splat” of some so-called fans jumping off the bandwagon. The papers are full of rants from the home crowd and the gloating of other CFL cities who, lets face it, have been waiting a very long time to see this club fail. At 6 and 11 heading into the final game, the only known is that it’s wait until next year. Tonight they’re playing for their jobs.”

All: Damn, he can be annoying! (turn off the radio) Blackout Scene 11 Overhead October 27: Saskatchewan at Edmonton Music: Rise Up At the stadium. Dressed for fall, no logos. T enters, then J, then C; all w/beer. James: Excuse me, you can’t sit there, it’s Coach’s seat. Coach: It’s me you knob. Thomas: Son of a… Coach/ James/ Thomas: Schmeebs! Mary: Dweebs! (M enters w/drink, bags) I’ve been at the team store and look! (logos!) Coach: Look at you! Finally.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 39 James: What took you so long? Mary: Superstition. I didn’t want to change anything for fear you’d blame me for the

team’s slide. About mid week it occurred to me that now I can wear whatever I want. I feel quite free.

Thomas: Free. That’s a different word for it. But the gear looks really nice on you. James: You’re right. I’ve got about two grand worth of unlucky colours that I can resurrect. Mary: I bought you boys some. Mini footballs for everyone. Leave the others for the kids

before one of you breaks a hip. Thomas, here’s a new finger. Thomas: Thanks Mary. Mary: Where is your ratty old finger? And your lucky shorts? Thomas: No jersey either. (opens coat; reveals Seigfried & Roy) James: Thomas! My god, that shirt? Mary: Did you lose a bet? Thomas: My mom brought it back from Vegas. Coach: That doesn’t mean you have to wear it. James: Well, I can relate. To the getting ready part, not to the shirt. (reveals no jersey) Mary: (to J) No horn either? (gives him a new one) I might consider shooting a beer

through this one. Thomas: I’ll buy! James: Thanks, Mary. Mary: And a whistle for Coach. Coach: Thanks, Mary. Mary: (to C) Even you? I thought something looked different. Way to mail it in you guys. Coach: None of the lucky stuff worked so I thought I’d try a new stragedy. Mary: Just being normal? Coach: Some might call it normal. To me, it feels downright alien. Mary: I’m sure it does.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 40 Coach: When I was prodding you to colour up, I didn’t know you were respecting our

tradition. I thought you were just being a snag. A lot of guys wouldn’t have cared. Mary: I guess I’m a different kind of guy. ** Whistle to start game. Half-hearted cheering. ** Coach: I feel like Job. (mispronounced) James: You mean Job? (correct pronunciation) Coach: I’m a good person. I never lost faith. And…still the streak ended. Mary: The book says we won’t be tested beyond what we can handle. Coach: The CFL Rule Book? James: The other book. Coach: Well, I don’t believe whoever said that. Thomas: I’ve had my doubts all season long. James: We know, Thomas. Thomas: We repeatedly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Mary: From champions to the basement. Coach: I considered not even coming tonight. Thomas: Temptation isn’t a sin. We’ve all been tempted to miss a game. Coach: It’s the first time I’ve denied this team. Mary: Three times before the first whistle blew… Coach: Look at all these empty seats. It’s the genesis of the exodus. James: We are not bandwagon jumpers. All: Right. Coach: But since I was a kid…football doesn’t end this early in the season. James: No snow games. Thomas: I get most of my national pride from the combination of snow and football.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 41 Coach: Culture and tradition are important. I’m not wrong about that. James: Although not talking to Philip all season was a bit extreme. I miss him. Coach: I miss my wife. Thomas: She’s right over there. Coach: I love football and I love her. (C makes discreet call) James: In that order? Mary: (brings out peanuts) James: How did you get those peanuts in here? Mary: I just walked in, why? Thomas: They’re banned this year. Mary: Is that why I haven’t seen any? I thought you guys were just weird. Coach: Preventative measure. Mary: Total bullshit. Coach/ James/ Thomas: Language! Mary: Sorry, but this peanut business has gone too far. I think we should put peanuts in

everything for two weeks and let the problem sort itself out! (passes them) Thomas: I brought Dill Pickle spitz. (Produces bag) James: You rebel. You know, I have to ask. You never bet against us, did you? Thomas: No, of course not. Not with my own money. Coach: Say what? Thomas: I put down a few bets for my mom. She never bets with her heart. Mary: Sounds like you bet against your own team. Thomas: I was just the mule. James: Bad karma. Thomas: She won most of those bets, too. Come on, I love this team.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 42 Coach: You sold out. (M & J agree) Thomas: Maybe I didn’t show the best judgment with the proxy betting, but it was for my

mom. You know, honour your mother and crap like that. Coach: You need to apologize. Thomas: I’m sorry. Coach: Not to us. (To field) Them. Thomas: Please forgive me for my role in this season. It won’t happen again. Mary: How is your mom, Thomas? Thomas: She has to move out of my place because she needs more supervision than I can

provide. Mary: Was that the emergency? Is she ill? Thomas: She got caught cheating in Vegas and when they escorted her out, she got

belligerent. They may drop the assault charge and just go with a lifetime ban. James: That sounds like a lucky break. Thomas: It was, but on her way home she decked a flight attendant. Coach: I really am sorry, Thomas, but maybe it will be better in the long run. James: What’s it going to cost you? Thomas: Nothing. She’s on her own this time. I’ll need about six months to work myself out

of the hole she dug me. With casino trips, could be shorter. Mary: Could be longer. Think about it. Coach: You’ve figured him out. How did you like your first season? Mary: Twenty-first, Coach. You guys really made assumptions about me. Coach: And you know what happens when you make assumptions. Thomas: Yes, you make an ass out of u and umptions. Coach: I never get that one right. ** The wave ** Thomas: So what’s your story?

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 43 Mary: Dad was a minister. James: That explains the drink. Mary: Dark rum and coke, by the way. Thomas: I knew it! Mary: Then why did you lose forty-five bucks this season guessing? Thomas: It’s what I do. ** The wave ** Mary: Dad thought of football games as pure family outings. At first I just went for the junk

food, then I started watching the cheerleaders – imagining myself dancing around in a little outfit.

Thomas: I can picture it… Mary: Of course, it would never have been allowed. Eventually I found myself getting into

the game. (**The wave**) Football was the only thing we did as a family that was fun and didn’t involve praying. With my first pay cheque, I got seasons tickets for my sister and me.

Coach: Nice seniority! ** The wave ** Coach: I feel weird. Mary: Are you sick? Coach: What’s a fan supposed to do in that month between getting knocked out of the

playoffs and Grey Cup? Thomas: Cheer for another team. Mary: I know who I’ll pick. Coach: I know who I won’t pick. James: If one losing season is this difficult, then some of those other fans really deserve

credit. Thomas: Shows character. Coach: I hate character. It hurts.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 44 James: Maybe it’s just our turn. You know, to not make it. Mary: Fine, I’ll take A turn. But it stops after Grey Cup. James: Agreed. A one-year slump only. We’ll start a new playoff streak next year. Mary: To loyal fans everywhere. (toasting) I suppose it’s easier to have faith when you’re

winning. ** All: 1,2,3 Move those yardsticks! ** Mary: Coach, you look like the cat that ate the canary. What’s up? Coach: Tradition is broken, so I’m going to sit with my wife in the third quarter. She’s

coming here for the fourth. (M texts) Thomas: Are you blushing? Mary: I’d like to meet her. I can’t imagine… Coach: …what kind of a person would be married to me? Mary: I’m glad you’re staying for the first half. Philip’s coming up. Coach: He’s got some explaining to do. James: Wait, you know Philip? Mary: Jezebel – Eve -- is my sister. Thomas: Not the sister who’s shopping for a wedding dress? Mary: Nice rack and all. I wish I knew what you guys said about me when I’m not here. Thomas: No you don’t. Mary: You each owe me twenty bucks, plus the ten for the girlfriend. (they pay) Philip and

I switched season tickets so they could sit together. Thomas: You and your sister sat right down there all those years? How did I miss that? Mary: Too busy betting on whether referees’ strips are white on black or black on white. Thomas: Why didn’t you tell us you knew Philip? Mary: I planned to, but you were so hostile, it wasn’t in my best interests. Or Philip’s. Coach: You mean you set aside your own traditions because your sister’s in heat?

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 45 Mary: Knitting club. You’d know how much I care if you could see my CFL tattoo. Never

mind. Coach: I really thought it was your fault. Yours and Philip’s. Sorry. I mean it this time. Mary: I know you do. ** Mary: (to field) Oh my god, look at that blocking! Thomas: Look at the yards he’s getting! James: Keep going! Run! All: Way to go! Coach: Our little running back is going to owe those hoggies a big steak dinner tonight. ** Mary: I just figured out why the team tanked this year! It wasn’t Philip’s leaving. Or my

coming. Or Thomas for betting against the team. Or James for focusing on getting out. Or Coach for being Coach. I don’t even blame the team, really.

James: Then who? Mary: It’s the damned “no peanuts” policy. Any idiot knows you can’t have a football

game without peanuts. Coach: My god, she’s right! Thomas: The no peanuts policy totally coincides with the team hitting the skids. Son of a… Mary: Furthermore, since I opened this bag, look at our yardage! Check the score! Coach: We’re going to win this game! I can feel it. Mary: Absolutely. Coach: So we were destined to break the streak this year and there wasn’t a thing that we,

or the team, could do to prevent it? Mary: Not a blessed thing, but good try. Go wash your t-shirts. Start fresh next season. Coach: At least we still hold the record for the longest playoff streak of any professional

sports team in North America. Thomas: It won’t be touched for a long time. ** Music: Stairway to Heaven **

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 46 Coach: Then we gather in this garden to eat and drink in remembrance of the streak and to

give thanks to twelve whom, over a generation, have delivered the good news of our gridiron supremacy. (Passes licorice)

James: The breaking of the licorice represents the breaking of the streak. The end of many

fine traditions. And the beginning of new ones. (The all break. T gives M a beer) Thomas: The beer represents the pouring of our souls into the team and the season. Mary: Not the season being pissed down the drain? Thomas: Sshh. James: Ever faithful. Mary: Ever fans. Coach: Ever green. Thomas: Evergreen? Coach: No. Ever – space -- green. Our colours. All: (toast) To next season! Coach: Security! (the guys sit) Mary: (to guard) No I won’t put the peanuts away. It’s a bloody stadium. You’re kicking

me out? That stupid rule caused the decline of an empire! (chants) Peanuts, peanuts! Fine! (To guys) I’ll catch the second half at the bar. Maybe you’ll come after?

Thomas: I ate some, too. I guess we’re both punted. (Taking their stuff). Can I catch a ride? Mary: Sure, but do up your coat. (To guys) Say hi to Philip and Eve for me. And Mrs.

Coach. Coach: Wait a minute. (hands M a note) Mary: What’s this? Coach: It’s my number. Call me about a room for Grey Cup. You need to be there. Mary: Cheers. Thomas: So Mary, do you like Banff? (T & M exit) James: I didn’t think he’d ever go for it.

©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 47 Coach: Seems to be a lot of new things being tried. Dill Pickle spits are pretty good.

(Pause) You’re really moving to Tahiti? James: Oui. It’s a dream come true. Coach: I’m happy for you. James: But what about tradition? Coach: We’ll start new ones. You want to come with me to see if the grass is greener on

the other side of the stadium? James: I think you should make that journey on your own. I’ll hold the fort here. Besides, I

think the beer dude slipped me his number with my change. Coach: How do you know it was for you? Could have been meant for Mary. Or me. James: Yes, that’s possible. Is this going to be a problem? Coach: Whatever floats your boat. James: Right. (silence) You OK? Coach: Actually, I’m feeling better by the minute. Maybe we should hook up with those two

at the bar after. I want to hear about your new job and see that big fake synchronized swimmer smile of yours. (gives J his new whistle) Here, looks like you’ll need this more than I will – Coach.

James: But what about you? Coach: We’ll be fine. I’ve got a good feeling about next season. James: In your colon? Coach: Yup, and everywhere else. Just look at them. James: It looks like they’re having fun again. Coach: Whoa! Trick play! They stand, cheer, toast… Blackout. Overhead October 27: Saskatchewan 18 at Edmonton 20 ☺!!!

The Edmonton Eskimos finished the season at 7 and 11. The North American pro sports record of 34 straight years in the playoffs is over. But it probably won’t be touched.

Music: “Grey Cup Parade” by Dal Richards (Alt Music: “Eskimo Fight Song” by Dal Richards)