Life Lessons From a Professional Dominatrix

In America, we are defined by our jobs. So when I’d be at a friends BBQ or a dinner party, that question would inevitably be asked of me…

“So, what do you do for a living?”

For many years, that question made my heart skip a beat

It wasn’t a simple question to answer,

Depending on my mood, I would answer one of two ways.

I’d say: I’m an entrepreneur, I own a small business.

They’d say: you’re so lucky, you can do whatever you want!

but we all know that saying is true, we’ll work 18 hours for ourselves rather than 8 for someone else!

or if I’m feeling a little sensationalistic, I’ll come right out with it and…

I’ll Say: “I’m a professional dominatrix!”

They Say: *silence, mouth open*

They typically give me “the look”

The look that illustrates the shocking incongruity: this nice “normal” person does, illicit things for a living.

There’s a lot of mystery & misunderstanding that surrounds the world I work in.

Like being an entrepreneur, being a ProDomme comes with a lot of myths, so I’m going to take a moment to bust those before we move on, that way we’re all on the same page about what it is that I *do* so that with it is that I’ve *learned*

will make more sense.

What IS a Professional Dominatrix?

What is ISN’T:

Myths:

Must have black hair, Must be angry, Must hate Men, Must be violent

My focus is on power dynamics.

In this big out-of-control world it’s really seductive & powerful to create a space where you “take control” or “give up control” consensually

being able to provide that space has created an opportunity for hundreds of profound encounters with the deepest and frequently most secret side of people.

I do not professional engage in ‘traditional’ sexual acts.

I engage in what is called, “Clothed Female, Naked male” which is exactly what it sounds like.

My clients come to me for PSYCHOLOGICAL release, and while there certainly are physical activities (flogging, puppy play, sploshing) the goal of all of these actions is the mental experience.

I give good mind fuck.

So, like entrepreneuralisp, the nitty gritty is often misunderstood.

And, like entrepreneuralship, I’ve learned things about myself, and the world I live in because of get an ‘in the trenches’ education.

Make sure you’re using the same dictionary.

Point: Communication is harder when you’re not speaking the same language. Words need to have nuance & context defined

Story: Wimpy is a Vulcan

Application: Sit down & establish: When I say this, it means this, and I expect this.

Asking for what you want

Point: When you get comfortable asking for what you want in the bedroom, asking for what you want in less charged situations gets a lot easier

Story: You can’t top from the bottom, toys need instructions

Application: You give the other person the opportunity to give you exactly what you want OR to negotiate from there. But being proactive gets you closer to getting what you want.

Fake it till you make it – confidence

Point: Roleplay isn’t just cowboys & naughty nurses. Role someone with confidence until you have confidence yourself.

Story: a woman came to my role-play class on a friday night, then had the chance to present at the same event the next day, for the first time ever. She was nervous so she ‘roleplayed’ me (someone she perceived as confident) and her class was a success. When I ran into her later that day I told her that I role play “me” sometimes too

Application: Whether you’re walking into a meeting, exploring new sex fun, or whatever, pretend like you’re someone

Not everything has to be a circus

Point: Make time for it in your life in whatever way you can. Let things have a shorter “arc” so you can still feel satisfaction.

Story: Wimpy doing the dishes, become the dish bitch, take a few moments

Real Life Application: What can you do in 2 minutes to improve a skill, relationship, work

Power dynamics are everywhere

Point: People think that being rude, or blustery or physically intimidating is the only way to be powerful and that the flip side is that is that being polite & quiet is weak.

Story: My Dommeities, it actually made me less powerful in peoples eyes. Now a decade later, my power is centered in a more quiet confidence (not that I’m ever quiet) I’m much more powerful, and I also happen to be alot more polite.

Application: Power manifests in many ways.

Wrap Up