To My Dearest Sisters

8/7/2019 To My Dearest Sisters.

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To My Dearest Sisters

To My Dearest Sisters... From a Co-Wife

by Siddiqua Haswarey

Polygyny is not all frolicky and fun nor is it a version of "Alice in Wonderland". Getting into apolygynous relationship is no easy task, whether for a man or a woman. It can be hard at times,but so can marriage or any other relationship for that matter, if you think about it. But it's notimpossible.If you are considering polygyny then you'd be better off knowing what you're going into. Even abrief idea of the advantages and disadvantages will suffice InshaAllah. To proceed withknowledge is most certainly better than to plunge in headlong. It doesn't make a differencewhether you are the husband or one of the wives. Most people expect trouble from the wivesbut that is not true necessarily. Women are not always the ones who cause trouble - men cantoo. The man has to be a good, strong Muslim, because along with eemaan comes justice. Likeanother sister put it… "It takes a team effort to make polygyny work and that would include theman (head of the household) to be just and fair in all his dealings and his wives to be unselfishand unclinging." There is much more to polygyny than just another wife.Below I present you with a letter written by a sister named Amatullah to her fellow sisters. She isa co-wife and has been for quite some time now. InshaAllah, I won't comment too much on itbut instead I will let you be the judge. This is my little effort in helping you make an educatedchoice. This is by no means an effort to sabotage anyone's future plans of wishing to be aco-wife or take a co-wife. I myself am very much in support of it. Indeed, since it has beenordained by Allah, the Almighty, then truly there is much good in it, more than we are or ever will

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ever be aware of.

Assalaamu Alaikunna wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuhu,Dearest Sisters in Islam:

Just like the sister said that we won't know what will make us jealous, I never know what willtickle my funny bone! The line about learning how to drive from one's co-wife got me going in amillion directions at once!First and foremost, I think that it is most likely that my co-wife & I WILL drive each other ...CRAZY that is!I was chatting the other night with a sister who told me that now I could sit back, kick my feet upand let my 'maid' do all the work. I guess I'll have to revise Nahid's job description and add'Driving Instructor' ...or maybe just 'Chauffeur' to make it easy on all of us!Actually, to think about putting my co-wife to work in my home is to think about putting myselfout to pasture. I'm not ready (or willing) to simply graze and chew my cud! Even my husband

first tried to present taking a co-wife in that fashion to me (she can help around the housebecause your vision is so poor). I told him in no uncertain terms that I would be the only womanwashing my dirty drawers and scrubbing my filthy floors (rhymes at this hour?)I look forward to having Nahid join me as a friend, a partner (sometimes in crime!) and perhapseven a sister in more than the Islamic sense of the word. But I don't think I could live with myselfif I were to treat her to a modern form of slavery. However, knowing my husband's propensityfor choosing ... shall we say bold women, she'd probably have ME doing HER floors before Icould stick a broom in her hand.Anyhow... the topic was about advising one's husband to take a second wife. Something I amohh, so intimately familiar with! In retrospect, it is amazing that I can now speak from such 'deep

wells of experience' (you can stop shaking with laughter now, I know she's not even here yet butcut me some slack, would you'?) When I first joined this hallowed list, I was just a dreamer ...dreaming of doing the right thing, dreaming I'd be strong and brave enough to handle it,dreaming of all the wonderfulness that I thought would fall into my lap when my husband'"I-do'd" another woman.Well, he "I do'd" her all right and now "I do" struggle more than I imagined. The reality, for me,has been like a splash of ice water in my face as I snuggled beneath the warm blankets of "thisis all just talk and he'll never really take me up on it and find someone else" in my bed of "I'mconvincing myself that I'm ready for polygyny but I know I still have a long time to wait." Well, Imade my bed and now I'm lying restless and suffering from insomnia in it!

Don't get me wrong. I'm still very pleased Islamically about this turn of events in my life. Andsince Islam IS my life, that makes it pretty darn good. However, Shaytaan has his sway over mein ways that are also part of my life ... and I feel like I'm fighting for every breath I takesometimes.Sister, there is never any turning your back on what Allah's Qadar is for you. We know that. ButI advise you to be honest to a fault when it comes to addressing your husband over this issue. Ifyou face the reality BEFORE it happens, you won't have such a rough and tumble awakening ...or fall out of the bed like I did both literally and figuratively!Let me give you an example. When I imagined a co-wife ... I always thought about an olderwoman who'd be my friend more than my husband's other wife (not a grandma, mind you, just

someone my age ... Eeks! Someone my age! Aack!! I'm OLD! Running for the mirror to doublecheck the latest henna application and it's coverage of ye ole' gray matter). Anyway, back to my

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story (isn't it true that a sign of age is veering off on tangents? This is getting worse by thesecond!)What I didn't imagine for myself was the fact that I'd be spending half the rest of my life ... alone.Just that single thought sprang into my mind the instant that my husband told me he'd taken

young Nahid as his wife. It burst into my being like a flare shot from a sinking ship ... "I'll bealone for 1/2 the rest ... of ... my ... life" I wondered sadly to myself why I had never consideredsuch a serious thing before going off and getting myself into this situation. Then, the little nigglydoubts set in (you know, the ones that currently have me going to Weight Watchers and runningme all over the treadmill at least four times a week!).Alhamdulillaah, I am thankful to Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) that He protected me from thosethoughts while I was acclimating myself on my own to open my heart to polygyny. I know that if Ihad had that simple and yet profound thought of being alone at any stage of my considerations,I would not have been strong enough to support my husband (heck, I was ENCOURAGING theman!) with polygyny.

You've read my posts. You've seen how strongly I argue for and even love the concept ofco-wivery (is that a word? Is now!). I meant every single letter that dropped from my fingers ontothose pre-Nahid pages. And yet, now I equally mean every single letter that is dropping from myfingers onto these pages. Sister, it is hard. If you love your husband, if he is your best friend(gee, my husband is my only friend sometimes --- except you gals, of course!), then be honestwith yourself before you are honest with him.Consider your life; open yourself to the ups and the downs, the joys and the sorrows, thetriumphs and the failures. Envision your steps alone and with a mate who is sharing his mindand his heart with two women. Strengthen yourself with the muscle power that only comes fromcontinually dedicating your every move to Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala). Sweeten your thoughts

by picturing your hands reaching out to take the most delectable fruit from Allah's trees inParadise, knowing that you've EARNED the right to taste them. Fortify your soul with thenutrient rich words of the Holy Qur'aan, as it is the sustenance you need to bear up and walkwith dignity the Path your Merciful Creator has Chosen for you.The life of a co-wife isn't all shopping sprees and late night girl fests while your hubby sleepsthe sleep of the exhausted dead in the other room (or house). It is struggle, patience, harshwords when we don't mean them, kind words not said when we do ... it is sharing her joys andfighting your desire to see her mistakes magnified. It is loving yourself as a woman, as a wife,as a believer who rests on the hope that Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) will NEVER allow her tospend half of her life alone. NEVER. As our beloved Rasullallah (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam)

said to Abu Bakr in the cave during the hijrah, "What do you think of two when the third isalways Allah?" Your Constant Guardian! Your Protector! Your Guide! Your Cherisher! YourSustainer! Your BEST FRIEND!!!You have to work through these feelings as they come. For me, they didn't come until it was toolate and for that, I repeatedly thank Allah (Tabaarak wa Ta'ala). Though I confess to allowingthe thought of striking out on my own or finding a mischievous way to get Nahid to 'un-marry'our husband, I have been able to semi-gracefully refrain from acting out. I thought maybe if Isent her a tape of his snoring ... or got a shot of him doing this irritating thing that he does withhis toes, or maybe just did a scan of our house like before & after, the before being the tenhours it takes me to clean up behind just my husband (no kids, now, just one big man) and the

after is the five seconds later when it looks like the before! Do you think that would scare anyself-respecting woman to back out while she still has time? Nah? Didn't think so. I myself would

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swim through a pile of dirty laundry a mile high just to be next to my hubby, so I wouldn't blameNahid for toughing it through some of my harebrained tactics!How do my posts always keep coming back to me? Ahem. Self-important, did I hear someonewhisper? Self-centered, is more like it! I just find it easier to give advice (regardless of whether

it's good or bad ... mostly the latter, I'm sure) when I speak from my own thoughts and life.You either have to be very strong and Islamic minded to make a success out of polygyny or youhave to not like your husband very much and look forward to his days away from you!Dearest sister, there is simply no comparison between the path that you will walk and the paththat another will. Some of us run, some skip, some trip but when you feel that your feet aredangling off the edge, call out and insha'Allah, we will be there to pick you up, dust you off andwith Allah's Leave, and push you in the right direction.This is the life of a Muslimah, whether she is married, single, a co-wife or a widow. We are allwomen in Allah's service, His very vice-regents on earth. The day WILL come when we standbefore Him (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) hoping with a hope so deep it is cold in our souls and

dreading with a dread so intense it will bow our shoulders. Have we earned the Pleasure of ourLord? The day WILL come when our books will be shut and we will be shut, too ... shut of thisworld and its foolish charms, shut of our chance to repent, love and shower mercy on everyother human being that Allah (Tabaarak wa Ta'ala) in His Infinite Care created and placed hereto cross our paths, shut of any chance to stand tall, proud and dignified when we say toourselves and secretly thank our Beneficent One that we chose to love Him more than our owndesires, more than the beating of our own hearts. The Day WILL come and those who haveearned their just reward will be dealt it ... swiftly, surely, permanently.It is not worth it to me to fuss with my soul over why my husband doesn't hold my hand anymorewhen Nahid is around. It is a waste of my time to regret the changes in my life that Allah

(Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) put there Himself. It is a shame that I do not want to bear or burden mysoul with that I would focus more on what I have lost than what I am gaining. Why would wewant a simple, easy life when the believers REJOICE and are STEADFAST with the Decree oftheir Lord? Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) knows our pains. Allah (Tabaarak wa Ta'ala) knowsour sufferings. Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) knows our fears. Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala)knows our doubts and the very day that our suffering will end and our trials of this world, thoseblessings in disguise, will melt from us as gently as a drop of dew slips sparkling off an earlymorning rose petal, leaving it refreshed, cooled, soothed.Dear sister, tell your husband you will struggle. Tell your husband you will fight the good fight.Tell your husband you want to earn the privilege of sharing eternity with him. Tell your husband

that obedience to him is obedience to Allah (Tabaarak wa Ta'ala). Tell your husband that youlove what Allah loves and you hate what Allah hates. Tell your husband that you haveconsidered your life and the blessings that have been bestowed upon you and that you areready to face the next set. Tell your husband that you rejoice at being a believer who findscomfort in the words of Allah "With every hardship, there is ease. With every hardship, there isease". Ask your husband to pray for you ... and then you pray for yourself, dear sister. You prayfor your husband. You pray for this new wife. And Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala) Will ... Allah(Tabaarak wa Ta'ala) Will ... He WILL answer your prayers.O! Sister of my very heart. He indeed will.Speak with truth and dignity and enjoin the good on yourself and those around you. We are

passing through this life as strangers (some more strange than others ... like in my case, forexample) who are tired, beaten, weary, just waiting to make it around the next corner, over the

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next hill, across the next river because that ... is ... where ... our ... HOME is. And insha'Allah, Iwill see you there with the keys to the very gates of Paradise in your hands, bondswomen ofAllah. Insha'Allah, we will be among those who recline and enjoy and live the life that wesacrificed for His Sake while we were here.

I occupy my thoughts with all of you and I busy my tongue before our Lord on your behalf as mysisters of faith, my sisters of hope, my sisters of passionate love for each other all because weattest to the plain.... simple.... fact: Laa ̀ ilaaha ̀ illa-Laah!!! There is no God but Allah.Ya Rabb, let our lives and our deaths our worship and our sacrifice be for You. Ya Rabb, do notburden us with more than we can carry. Ya Rabb, accept our actions and our intentions toworship You Alone in Your Might and Glory. Ya Rabb, forgive us. Forgive us. Forgive us. Maythe very treasures of Paradise be laid at your feet on the Day of Reckoning. Aameen.Allahumma Aameen.- AmatullahAllahumma ya'asir wa laa ta'asir. (O Allah! Make it easy and not difficult).

Aameen. Allahumma Aameen.Subhanaka ̀ allahumma wa bihamdika, wa ̀ ash-hadu ̀ an laa ìllaaha ̀ illaa ̀ anta, ̀ astaghfirukawa àtoobu ìlayka. (Glorified are You O' Allah and I am in Your praise, I testify that there is nodeity except You, I ask Your forgiveness and repent unto You).Siddiqua Hassan Haswarey

Source : www.zawaj.com

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To My Dearest Sisters