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Instructions on the Impossible.-Ben McCormack
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To Find out if there is a God Begin by wrapping string around a plastic straw, Tightly winding until the straw is no longer visible. Thank your family for their love (this is essential) before forcing the straw down your larynx. As you die, you will be able to breathe, Though as you panic, your breaths will become smaller. By this procedure, You will be given enough time to come to regret your decision And long for life, So as to ensure that, should you be left in nothingness, It shall not be because you committed suicide, But because there truly is no God. If you die and find yourself somewhere else, Check to make sure you have a body. Because the physical world has been left behind, You may not have – or need – one. Search around for anyone else nearby. They may take the form of floating points of light, Or of secretaries (God may enjoy metaphors). At this point, possibilities branch And our advice can only account For so many contingencies. Perhaps there is nothing, Or perhaps we so rarely hear from the dead Because they are too distracted and amused By their current surroundings.