To Be a Good and Faithful Servant

Ministry/Leadership

CECIL SHERMAN GAVE HIS LIFE TO THE WORK OF

MINISTRY AND ALONG THE WAY INSPIRED UNTOLD

NUMBERS OF US TO DO THE SAME. THIS BOOK OUGHT

TO SIT WITHIN ARM’S REACH ON EVERY PASTOR’S DESK.—Stephen H. Cook

Pastor, First Baptist Church, Danville, Virginia2002 Graduate, Baptist Theological Seminary at Richmond

From the course heralded as the most practical class a seminarian could take inpreparation for ministry comes the quintessential instruction and commentaryon servant leadership.

—Victoria Atkinson WhiteChaplain, Westminster Canterbury, Richmond, Virginia

2000 Graduate, Baptist Theological Seminary at Richmond

For anyone who cares about pastoral work in Jesus’ name, this is a must read.—W. Randall Lolley

Retired President of Southeastern Seminary

I couldn’t put it down. If To Be a Good and Faithful Servant doesn’t become apastoral ministry classic and standard text for seminary classes, someone isn’tpaying attention.

—James H. SlattonPastor Emeritus, River Road Baptist Church, Richmond, Virginia

I predict that To Be a Good and Faithful Servant will be a textbook and hand-book for a multitude of ministers.

—Daniel VestalExecutive Coordinator, Cooperative Baptist Fellowship, Atlanta, Georgia

�CECIL SHERMAN most recently served as visiting professor ofpastoral ministries at the Baptist Theological Seminary at Richmond.During his long career, Dr. Sherman served pastorates in NorthCarolina, Georgia, New Jersey, and Texas and was very active inchurch life and community service.

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Chapter 7

WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Every congregation I served included difficult people. An idealistmight suggest that none of them would be members of a church, butsuch idealism does not rest on good theology. The church is not a col-lection of saints; it is a halfway house on the road to heaven. WeChristians are a community of people who are in the process of beingsaved, and for some of us the process has only begun. We must addressthis topic with humility. After all, likely some of the “difficult people”in my congregations thought they had a “difficult pastor.”

The political nature of a congregation (every church has one)opens the door for a few to have real power. One negative person on apersonnel committee can change the atmosphere of a meeting. Oneobstinate member of a board of elders can send people home dreadingthe next meeting. My former students have spoken to me at lengthabout one or two people in their congregations who do not seem tolike them.

Most churches want to accomplish goals while maintaining con-gregational harmony. It is the pastor’s assignment to get somethingdone and keep everyone happy. If the difficult person is persistent andpersuasive, the pastor may be able to get something done, but notwithout sacrificing the people’s happiness. Or the pastor may be ableto keep everybody happy by backing down. Eventually, neither solu-tion works. Thoughtful people recognize that nothing is getting done,and the pastor is labeled “ineffective.” Usually, “getting somethingdone” hinges on a pastor’s ability to get along with or get past difficult

people. How do you approach the subject of difficult people in yourchurch?

WHAT MAKES SOME PEOPLE DIFFICULT?People do what they do for a reason. I do not speak from the perspec-tive of one trained in psychology, but here are obvious reasons fordifficulties between you and some of the people you serve:

1. People who hold a different theology from you will eventuallyhave a hard time working alongside you. Sooner or later, theologybecomes a sticking point. It would seem that the subtle differencesbetween fundamentalists and conservatives are slight, but that opinioncomes from one who is conservative.

A woman in a church I served came to my office by appointment.She wanted to confront me about the language I used when I calledpeople to profess faith. The conversation was not comfortable; she wasnot comfortable. When she finished talking with me, I was not com-fortable either.

A similar situation involved a deacon chairman who asserted thatthe focus of my work should be evangelism. I believe in evangelismand always tried to give place to it, but I did not believe it was the sum of our ministry. The deacon did. Since he was chair of deaconsthat year, I was not able to dismiss his opinion. Theology drove ourdifferences.

2. People who hold real power in a congregation often see changeas a threat to their power. A former student of mine was of an evangel-istic bent. A rural church called him; the search committee told himthey wanted their church to grow. The pastor took them seriously andwent to work gathering a younger set of people. He had come to thepulpit from the world of business, and salesmanship was easy for him.In two years, the little church doubled in size. Brand-new membersbegan coming to business meetings. The “old church” came to viewthe “young church” with suspicion. As long as the new people came tochurch, taught Sunday school, and gave offerings, they were welcome.

58 TO BE A GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT

But when they wanted to serve on substantive committees and takepart in business meetings, they were unwelcome. Threat to powermade some people become difficult.

3. Not all people naturally “get along.” There is a myth in theminds of some seminary students. They think they can go into achurch and get along with everyone. As students, they have done so.But attending college and seminary are different from being pastor ofa congregation. In college and seminary, you choose your friends andhave some control over the people who come close to you. In a con-gregation, the pastor is supposed to be able to get close to everyone.That is not my experience. I’ve been able to work congenially withmore than ninety-five percent of the members of my congregations,but not with all of them.

During my first year at the Asheville church, a serious divisiontook place over admitting a black woman into membership (see chap-ter 11 to learn about this experience in more detail). One man was ofa different mind from me on that issue. When I left the church twentyyears later, that man still had not allowed me to become his pastor. Wediffered over a matter he thought important; he never got over it. Fora time, he was on the finance committee, and he made my life diffi-cult. In congregational meetings from time to time, he was my publiccritic. I tried to get close to the man, but I was not successful. I wish Icould get along with everyone. I take no pleasure in saying I failed inmy attempts to warm to him. He did not go away, and I stayed fortwenty years. During that time, I learned to live with a constant critic.I did not find it easy.

4. My dictionary defines “cussedness” as “a disposition to willfulperversity.” Cussed people are born “in the objective case.” Thereseems to be no evidence that the grace of God has taken root in them.They seem to find pleasure in voting against anything proposed.Happily, I served churches that had no tolerance for “willful perver-sity,” and they handled those people. But in some small churches,homegrown negative people receive free rein. A promising pastor

WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE 59

should not suffer abuse. We are called to serve; we are not called tostand still while mean-spirited people harass us.

HOW DO YOU WORK WITH DIFFICULTPEOPLE?1. Maintain courtesy. People can disagree without becoming disagree-able. Most people expect pastors to live to a higher standard. Strive tomeet their expectations. When people are unkind or when the conver-sation begins to deteriorate, work hard at kindness. A light touch anda little humor can come in handy.

2. Work at ways to communicate with difficult people. Sometimesthe problem with difficult people is that they do not understand whatyou are trying to do. If that is the case, make time for them and goover every detail. Don’t freeze them out of the process. If lack ofunderstanding is the basis of disagreement, help the person compre-hend the issue or situation.

3. Never lose your temper. Some people have a low opinion ofpastors from the outset. They think pastors work for them and thatthey have the right to order their leaders around, embarrass them, orhumiliate them in public.

When the Asheville church was getting ready to build, we hadarranged a sizeable loan with a local bank. A difficult man whoopposed the project unilaterally arranged a meeting with the chair ofdeacons, the chair of finance, the bank president, and myself. At themeeting, the man opened a plat of the church property and said to thebank president, “When our church cannot repay this loan, how muchof our property are you going to take?” I was angry that the man putme in an awkward position. In fact, I was seething. But I held mytongue. The bank president replied, “We would not have offered youthe loan had we not thought your church could repay it. We havemore confidence in your church leadership than you do.” Despite thedifficult man’s galling behavior, it was crucial that I not show my


anger. Happily, the project went forward, and the church repaid theloan years early.

When a church member tempts you to say something rash, withgood cause or without, carefully hold your temper in check. If yourespond in anger, then the issue shifts: you become the issue ratherthan the church program, ministry, etc. What you say can hurt youmore than it hurts others.

4. Provide full pastoral care to difficult people and their families. Itried to be prompt in pastoral care for every member, but when one ofthe few difficult people in my church was involved, I strove to be moreprompt than usual. Pastoral care ought not to depend on my feelingsfor the person in need. Everybody has trouble. Reasoning that difficultpeople deserve what they are getting does not become a representativeof Jesus. What if I did measure my pastoral care in proportion to thefeelings I had for this member or that? If so, shame on me. It is possi-ble that difficult people need special care. Give it to them.

5. Be honest, even to difficult people. If your critics catch you in alie, you have both sinned and armed your opponents. Be known as atruth-teller, and be so consistent that you become like Caesar’s wife:“You are not only virtuous; you are known to be virtuous.”

An unkind remark does not deserve a reply. Let it pass. Of course,you shouldn’t forget all critical remarks; you can learn from some ofthem. But most do no good. The sooner you can put them out ofmind, the happier you will be. Sitting on them, nursing them, andenlarging them causes misery and harm.

6. Learn to find humor in difficult people. This is not the same asmaking fun of them. Bruce McIver, author of Stories I Couldn’t TellWhile I Was a Pastor, was a pastor in Dallas, Texas. He learned to seethe funny side of a pastor’s work, and he went about the countryteaching hard-pressed preachers how to laugh.


HOW CAN DIFFICULT PEOPLE AFFECT YOU?Dr. Daniel Bagby and I guide a seminar for first-year doctor of min-istry students at Baptist Theological Seminary of Richmond. Thesestudents are all graduates from college and seminary. All have someexperience in ministry, most of them in a congregation. Some of thesethirty- to fifty-year-old people have come back to school to rethinkministry. They tried it, and it was harder than they expected. They arenot sure they want to do this work for the rest of their careers. Theyhope the graduate program can recharge their batteries and send themback to their churches with renewed energy. One part of their frustra-tion is relational. How can they get along with difficult people? Whenyou as a pastor become discouraged and depressed, maybe it is time toask, “What is this job doing to me?” Are difficult people changing theway you think about yourself and your job? Consider these pointsabout difficult people:

1. Difficult people can blur your focus. My job as pastor was topreach, to teach, to do pastoral care, to lead the congregation in mis-sion work, to worship, and to evangelize. But in my good churches Imet a few difficult people. They were few, but they were well placedon prominent committees and in positions of authority. After a fewincidents, they began to dominate my thinking, and I began to obsessabout them. I had lost my focus. When difficult people began to con-vince me, I overestimated their influence. They seemed more powerfulthan they actually were.

An incident in my first church comes to mind. Two men came tomy office and asked me to resign. I had been pastor for about twoyears. They said many people were unhappy with my work, and Ishould resign for the sake of the health of the church. While theytalked, I thought about how to respond. I knew I must not overesti-mate their influence. The church was thriving, growing, and serving. Idecided to invite these men to bring their idea to the next congrega-tional meeting. Since I had been employed through a vote of thecongregation, I would not resign until a majority of the members inbusiness session wanted me to resign. The men knew they had no


chance before the congregation, and their idea died. Did the incidentshake me up? A little.

The way to make difficult people look foolish is not by argument.Do something good for the church, and you undercut a voice that saysyou are ineffective. Most of the time, your critics don’t have the powerto pull you down. Incumbency is on your side. If you have done yourjob, if you have visited the sick and prepared thoughtful sermons, youare in good shape.

2. Difficult people can make you afraid to act. If you do some-thing, you may be criticized. Because of this, some pastors stick withthe routine to avoid criticism. This is the wrong way to go.

I spent my years in ministry as a Baptist. In the Baptist system, apastor is elected to office by congregational vote. A pastor serves aslong as he or she chooses and as long as the congregation is happywith his or her service. This means that another vote of the congrega-tion could terminate my pastorate.

Pastors get in trouble in two ways. First, we do something thatoffends or displeases. If the charge is not moral, we will probably sur-vive. Second, we do nothing. We are perceived as lazy or ineffective.Congregations have more tolerance for this error, but in the end it cando a pastor in. In the sheep-stealing Scottish highlands, there is asaying that goes, “Better to be hung for a sheep than a lamb.” I alwayswanted to be in trouble for doing something rather than doing noth-ing. When you try to do something that follows Jesus, it is hard fordifficult people to criticize.

3. Difficult people can make you hurt yourself. In chapter 2, I toldyou about Jim Slatton’s uncle, who said the rattlesnakes could makehim hurt himself. This is not just a story. A pastor who had served acongregation for nearly thirty years was in a contentious meeting ofthe board of deacons. An unhappy deacon lured the pastor into anintemperate comment. He said, “You s.o.b.’s . . .” (and that did notmean “sweet old Baptists”), and from that point, the pastor wasdefenseless. He had let the rattlesnakes make him hurt himself.


The answer to this problem is self-control. If you know you aregoing to be in a meeting that may become contentious, go home early,rest, collect yourself, eat a pleasant meal with your family, spend timein prayer, and then go to the meeting. Guard yourself. Don’t let one ortwo difficult people make you hurt yourself.

4. Difficult people can make you leave a pastorate prematurely.There are times when a church needs steady, trusted leadership to seethem through a tight spot. It is criminal for a pastor to leave when animportant, moral vote is approaching. Difficult people surface at timeslike these. The church needs a familiar voice to guide them. Shouldyou have opportunity to leave at just such a delicate time, the churchwould be set back. A new pastor would have to start all over again,and that takes time.

There is another reason not to leave during a tough situation: it isnot a good pattern. Several times in my life, I’ve watched my churchesprocess the controversial. Race and the women in ministry issue inAsheville come to mind. In the time leading up to those votes and inthe months thereafter, my presence was needed while the aftershockssubsided. Even if a search committee came calling, I could not leave ingood conscience.

5. Difficult people can drive you out of ministry. God “calls”whom he will, and I am in no place to say who ought to stay in min-istry and who is free to leave. Certain personality types have specialdifficulty dealing with difficult people. Congregational polity makesthat person especially vulnerable to difficult people. It may be that adifferent polity can protect you. If you find yourself unable to interactwith certain types of people on a consistent basis, consider moving toa Methodist or Episcopal system of church governance. Protection forthe pastor in these systems may make it possible for you to exerciseyour “calling” and live with a few difficult people. (Note, I did not saythese systems would relieve you of dealing with a few difficult people.They are present in any church no matter the polity.)


As a seminary student, I don’t recall anyone warning me about thedifficult people I would encounter in ministry. If they did, I was notlistening. But as it turned out, I encountered many more kind, caring,and helpful people than difficult people. For every difficult person, Iworked with several more who had an inclination to help me succeed.Unbeknownst to me, when I began as pastor in Asheville, two goodchurch women, Mary Dalton and Eileen Rowe, determined to be myfaithful supporters. Years later, they told me, “We decided to make asuccess of you.” Probably, Mary, Eileen, and a few others did more tohelp me with difficult people than I did for myself.


Ministry/Leadership

CECIL SHERMAN GAVE HIS LIFE TO THE WORK OF

MINISTRY AND ALONG THE WAY INSPIRED UNTOLD

NUMBERS OF US TO DO THE SAME. THIS BOOK OUGHT

TO SIT WITHIN ARM’S REACH ON EVERY PASTOR’S DESK.—Stephen H. Cook

Pastor, First Baptist Church, Danville, Virginia2002 Graduate, Baptist Theological Seminary at Richmond

From the course heralded as the most practical class a seminarian could take inpreparation for ministry comes the quintessential instruction and commentaryon servant leadership.

—Victoria Atkinson WhiteChaplain, Westminster Canterbury, Richmond, Virginia

2000 Graduate, Baptist Theological Seminary at Richmond

For anyone who cares about pastoral work in Jesus’ name, this is a must read.—W. Randall Lolley

Retired President of Southeastern Seminary

I couldn’t put it down. If To Be a Good and Faithful Servant doesn’t become apastoral ministry classic and standard text for seminary classes, someone isn’tpaying attention.

—James H. SlattonPastor Emeritus, River Road Baptist Church, Richmond, Virginia

I predict that To Be a Good and Faithful Servant will be a textbook and hand-book for a multitude of ministers.

—Daniel VestalExecutive Coordinator, Cooperative Baptist Fellowship, Atlanta, Georgia

�CECIL SHERMAN most recently served as visiting professor ofpastoral ministries at the Baptist Theological Seminary at Richmond.During his long career, Dr. Sherman served pastorates in NorthCarolina, Georgia, New Jersey, and Texas and was very active inchurch life and community service.

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Documents

To Be a Good and Faithful Servant