" al** EJr.\tnld.'.- " r

SYNC AND NARRATfON TRANSCRIPT FOR rrTime Indefinite" (L17 nins. )

A FiIn by Ross McEIwee

[Shot of beach]

fNarration: ] Every summer since I was a kid, my entire family -hasgathered here on the coast of North Carolina for a week-longreunion. My farnily never quite knew what to think of the fact thatI moved North, and even more strangelyrtook up documentaryfi lmnaking as a profession. I come from a family of doctors-grandfather, father, and brother- and I think that my l i festyle hasalways seemed a l i t t le strange to my fanily. But everyone alwayswants me to come to the reunion, and in fact I somehow manage neverto mi-ss one.

IFamily reunion: ]

Woman: Turn around and show Ross your pett icoat...

[Narrat ion: ] t

My father- he's there in the green shirt- he,s the one that keepsthese reunions going.

There's my sister-in-1aw, Sa1ly. Sa1ly and my brother Tom havejust had their first child, which has made everyone in the farnilyvery happy - especial ly my father.

Father: Hey, how about a big smile!

There's Ann, my stepmother.

And there I am, being videotaped by Ann. I 'm sure I must look aIi t t le strange to Ann as she frames me in her viewfinder. I mean,at this part icular moment, I ' r l not exactly blending in with therest of my family

My mother, who died twelve years d9o, liked to say everythingbegins and ends with family. But I 'm 39 years old and sti l lunmarried and f think ny family has pretty rnuch gj-ven up hope on meever having a family of my own.

I guess in some ways I've always felt more comfortable FILMING thefanily than start ing olre myself, and in fact today I 've decided tobegin shooting a NEW movie sort of a home movie and myfihnrnaking partner,Marilyn, has come down South to help me.

I've asked everyone to gather on the porch so that we can filn afanily portrait

Filmmaker: Okay, everyone look at the camera. Can f have yourattention, please!

"'T^. 'Z^Ju,fi"tf.u'

INarration ]f also have a sort of unannounced announcement to make.

Filnmaker: As long as we have you al l gathered here, f thought we'dmake this announcement: Mari lyn ahd I are gett ing married!

INarrat ion]Unfortunately, Dy camera battery suddenly dies here.

I've finally met the woman I want to narry, and I've been lookingforward to filning this moment and then celebrating with my family,but instead I have to leave and look for a spare camera battery.

Wfrile f'm gone, Ann takes her home video camera and beginsgathering background information on how her step-son actually tookthe momentous first step on the road to marriaqte.

IMari lyn te l ls story of marr iage proposal : ]

?-

Mari lyn: We wereand he proposed in

Woman: Did he get

Mari lyn: Wel l , h!hin r had to think

sort of got a l i t t le LOWER.about i t .

And then I told

standing right in front of the Atlantic Ocean,the most genteel of ways.

on his knees?

INarrat ion]So as Ann tapes away, and I search for the other battery, f ponderhow this could have happened qf battery shorting out andeverything- l{aybe it has something to do with my father'spresence. He seens to give off sone sort of Freudian force fieldthat plays havoc with my equipment...

At any rate, for a long time, it seemed important to me to try todocument little moments from everyday life, [y own life and myfanily's life down South.

For instance, twel-ve years ago f filned ny brother Ton the day heleft home to go to medical school for the first time.

There's Lucille. She has worked as a housekeeper for uy family formany years. I never actually filmed ny mother but the closest Inight have come was here when Lucille was bagging up my motlrer'sshoes right after my mother died.

Therets l,telvin, Lucille's husband, trying to start my father's lawnmower which never seemed to work.

There are my father and Ann watching a tennis natch.

Back in L975 I spent a whole month filning my fattrer who is asurgeon. He put up being filmed day and night, at tlre hospital andat home.

' -Tn'- af"J4^''f. "

[Father on phone, sneezes, camera jams]

I Narration ]That time, the filn janmed (becane immeshed) in the camera.

Father,addressing filnnaker: I'11 be glad when that "big eyett isgone.

INarration]So I've been filning like this for years, and now f'm determined tofinish filming my wedding announcement, so I finally find anothercamera battery and head back to the party.

Father: IF you'll just telI me which button to push...

INarration]Irltren f begin shooting again, my father sirrprises me by asking ifHE can filn llE, somethinq he's never done before.

Fi lmmaker: You don' t have to do anything, Sust aim i t at us. . .Don' tdrop it !

I Narration ]He suddenly seems to have a new-found interest in f i lmmaking and Iguess he wants to document for once and for aII that I 'm actuallygett ing married.

Father: Now what I want to do is get you in front of the sunset.

INarrat ion]So Mari lyn and I are gett ing married, and, i f I can ever get thecamera back frorn my father, what I want to do is rnake a filn aboutal l this. But already f i lrning is beginning to be a lot morecomplicated than it was in the past. I mean, before I met Mari lyn,I never had any trouble f i1-ming l i fe as i t went on around me. I 'df i lm almost anything.

Sister paddl ing:

Sister: You know she's just a hroman who $tas not being right onwith you.

INarration]One summer when I had just broken up with ny girlfriend at thetime, Ry sister Dede offered me some advice and I f i lned it .

Sister: Do you think it has anything to do with the way you dress?I think you should t idy up a l i t t le bit (dress a l i t t le moreneatly). Do you understand? ff you're with somebody whoappreciates i t when a man is a l i t t le bit more dressed up, then youcan swinq it (be successful). You can look kind of pleasing to theeye. Art ist ical ly.

* T^x. t^Jn{ ^,'|*-

"

Charleen driving:

INarrat ion]That same summer, Charleen, who is one of my oldest fr iends, andwho was always saying she had the perfect woman for me, was beingpart icularly insistent, so I f i l rned it ny bl ind date. (* bt inddate:a pre-arranged ronantic meeting between two people who do notknow each other. )

Charleen: Now look right at hirn, for the f irst t irne!

Filmmaker: Hello, Dede. GIad to meet you-- Charleen has said a lotabout you.

Dede: And about you!

Charleen, to fj-lmmaker: WOULD YOU STOP!

Filmmaker: Don't touch that lens!

Char leen: I can' t help but toueh i t ; turn i t oFF. This isimportant- th is is not art , th is is l i fe!

INarrat ion]That part icular bl ind date didn't work out too weI1.

Being single definitely had its ups and downs, but overall I haddecided that I kind of liked the freedom.

[shot of going under bridge in Mexico. ]

I Narrat ion ]I mean, f hras free to try to film whatever I wanted to as I saw itunfolding around me and this gave me a certain detached perspectiveon l i fe that seemed to suit me.

Then I met Mari lyn, and suddenly being detached didn't seem thatinteresting to me anymore.

Not long after we met, w! went to Mexico.

At f irst, f i lming Mari lyn r i las for me a celebration of being in lovewith her. I loved the expression on her face as she drank badcoffee in cheap hotels. I loved the intense hray she brushed herteeth. I loved everything about Marilyn, I l.oved being in Mexicowith her I filrned nearly everything lre did there.

[Shot of Ross and Mari lyn in bed]

This shot got sort of screwed up when Marilyn snagged her foot onone of the camera cables as she was getting back into bed.

[Camera swivels to door]

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She insisted i t was an accident. '

Actually, for the most part, Mari lyn didn't have any problem withny f i lning. But when vre got back from Mexico, I began havingproblems with i t . The rrThis is not art , th is is l i fe problemrr.

IBer l in WalI ]

So Mari lyn and I got this production grant to make a f i ln on theBerl in WaI l and that 's been f ine. In some tdays i t 's a 1ot easierto make f i lns that have nothing directly to do with your own l i fe.But I st i l l feel th is strong compulsion to f i lm everyday l i fe.

IOlder men, cooking]

ft 's now the day after our wedding announcement and l i fe hassett led back into the usual round of fani ly reunion activit ies.

older relat ive: Don' t they look del ic ious? Hushpuppies! (cornfr i t ters - a speacialty of the American South)

Ifani ly with baby: ]

I Narration ]Speaking of fani ly, I 've noticed that no one's actually sayinganything. But it does seern as if every tirne I pick up the camera,someone more or less shoves Tom and Sally's baby in front of theIens.

I 've been so consumed with the fact that I 'm f inal ly gett ingmarried that I haven't given rnuch thought at all to what it wouldactually be l- ike to have children. It does seem obvious thathaving a kid wouldn't make f i lmmaking any easier. But my fatherwould obviously l ike i t i f . I had a kid. Look at him. He seemscapable of doing this for hours at a tirne.

IFishing Pier shot]

INarration]When I hras l i t t le, ry father would take me to this pier i t 's afew hundred yards away from the beach house we rent. Back then,the pier seemed to have a mysterious hotd on me. Being underneathit was l ike I don't know l ike being in an exotic temple orcathedral, and for whatever reason, it was the place I liked toplay the most.

It never occurred to me that there was anything interesting goingon top of the pier, but at some point, Ry father explained to methat piers were for f ishing, and when I got a l i t t le o1der, that 'swhat we did here, h! and I - Irte fished.

My father taught me how to clean a fish

I can't say I loved doing this, but I learned to do it . My father

5

liked to say that if you caught a fish than you should be the oneto c lean i - t . . .

[boy steps on f ish]

Boy's father: Pick him up and put hin in the bucket.to, stomp him on the head and kill him and THEN putbucket - on the HEAD, Nicholas! No, that 's the body!

If you wanthim in the

Boy's mother: Now he's asleep. Pick hin up and put hirn in thebucket.

Father: Stomp hin again!

INarrat ion]When f was a kid, I was also told that putt ing a f ish out of i tsmisery (* ie: k i l l ing i t ) was part of f ishing, al though I don' tremember ny father being quite as enthusiastic about the process asthis f ather i-s.

I 'm momentari ly stunned by the realization that I may someday havea son or daughter who, among other things, has to be taught, how tofish. How in the world would I handle that? f mean, what methodwould I advocate: quick death by stomping or slow suffocation in abucket of fresh water?

When I was a kid, ki l l ing a f ish was traumatic enough, but an evenbigger problem I had with fishing was that the fish, once cauqht,raised al l sorts of metaphysical questions for me at leastrnetaphysical on the leve1 of a six year old who was forced to go toSunday school - questions my father patiently tr ied to answer:

For instance, does a f ish have a soul? If so, does God take aIIthe dead f ish into heaven? If so, is there an ocean in heaven? Oris i t more l ike a huge aquar ium.. . and i f i t 's an aquar ium, whocleans i t? Do angels t tean i t? Can a f ish s in? why isn' t i t a s into kiI I a f ish? Why does anyone or anything have to die? What'sthe matter with staying right here? I asked my father dozens ofquestions like these and at one point, as I remember it, h! beganto avoid taking me f ishing.

[corn shucking]

Childhood metaphysics aside, I do feel much more a part of thefaraily than I have in years. Itts great that my father andsteprnother like Marilyn so much and that our plans to marry havernade my father happy. What still doesn't seem to make hirn veryhappy is my constantly wanting to filn everything.

[old home movies of parents with baby Ross]

Maybe I picked up the filming habit from my uncles. During theyears I sras growing up, it seems like either Uncle Fred or UncleNate filrned nearly everlrthing hte did.

a

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There's my mother. Uncle Fred shot this footage the Sunday I wasbapt ized.

f lcIose shot of baby]

I wonder if all this exposure to caneras had some sublirninat effecton me, made me want to do it myself when I got older. Uncle Nate-Super-8 Nate as hre called him he was pretty good at cinemaverite. He even managed to filrn what must have been my first kiss,bestowed by a neighborhood girl, whose name I canrt even renembernolrr. But here it is recorded for all tiure on fitrn.

Apparently, I made it a easier for my uncles by repeatedlyreturning for more.. .

[shot of Mother]

f 've spent a lot of t ime looking at these images, thinking aboutthern. . .

Of course, this footage is important to me because my rnother is init . But beyond this, for me there,s something about the imagesthemselves. ft 's the way everything seems to shimmer in the l ightof that particular ordinary Sunday morning, the way everything isin movement the shadows, the liqht, the hand held camera. Andthere's the slight camera shyness of my parents shyness mixedwith happiness and pride - everything,s sort of quivering with akind of life that would be very difficult to reenact

Ic i ty HaII bui ld ing]

7

INarration]The wedding is now only a month arday,we'I l be ready- the marriage l icense,

Mari lyn: Don' t n ind hin. He does this

[Mari lyn with copy of l icense]

Marilyn: Do we get a copy of something

Woman: Yes, you get a copy with a seal.

I they exi t ]

Ross: We're marr ied!

M: No, not yet .

R: Wel l , a lmost.

M: Don' t rush i t .

there's a lot to beforeinstance. . .

al l- the t ime.

better than this?

andfor

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[Narration: ] She was right. State 1aw required that we have btoodtests before gett ing married. I don't part icularly l ike watchingblood being drawn, but I 'm trying to use this as a moment ofreflection during which I can meditate on what it means to getmarr ied. . .You know, the symbol ic ningl ing of our blood, ourdest in ies. . . the f ra i l ty of hurnan f lesh, the f ragi l i ty of the humancondition and how that condition undergoes a strengthening in themarriage bond t.. .T try to think about these and other loftyideas.. . but rnainly I 'm beginni .ng to feel nauseous.

Nurserto Ross: okay, now i t 's your turn

[Narrat ion: ] f 've actual ly found that i t 's easier for me to watchblood being drawn when I 'm f i ln ing i t . . .because for some reason i fI watch though a lens then it seems less real to me, more l ike f 'mwatching a movi-e.

lJust before needle goes in: ]

I mean there really is something gruesome about that precise momentwhen the needle pierces the f lesh,. . . you know that l i t t le pausebefore it punctures the membrane of your skin and then the way theheart actually pumps the bl-ood ri-ght out of your arm, and into thevacuum of the syr inge.. .

Meanwhile, Mari lyn and the nurse are just chatt ing away white I 'msitting here running out of blood and film.

IMari lyn's gynecological exam]

Filmmaker: What exactly is he looking for?

Mari lyn: I t 's just a pap smear. He's looking for anythingabnormal.

INarration ]Mari lyn has an appointment with her gynecologist, Mitch, and I 'vedecided to come a1ong. I have to admit that I've always wonderedwhat the two of them talked about during these sessions.

Marilyn: How have you been?

Gynecologist: I 've been pretty busy.some white-water canoeing (canoeingdancing and singing courses too. Butsince then.

M: What kind of singing?

I've had a nice sunmer, Didover rapids) in ldaho, someI've been working pretty hard

G: Have you ever heard of Sweet Honey in the Rock? I took a week-Iong singing course from a woman who's one of the singers in thatgroup. Black gospel singing you get pretty high singing thatstuff. (pause) Okay, sorry - that 's your r ight ovary. I t 's tender

^ anr^" $nla{'"i]< "

Lhere. Tt feels normal. A11 set for [baby ci ty. t t (s lang forbecoming irnmersed in having babies. . . )

[shot of lamp - n ight table] :

I Narration ]That night, I lay awake pondering Mitch's comment - the one aboutrrAl1 set for baby cityrr and decide that f 'm not quite sure thatI 'm ready to go to b?Uy city yet.

IGospel music]

When r f inal ly fa1I asleep, I have this dream actually i t braskind of a ni-ghtmare in which I see Mitch riding white-waterrapids in a canoe ful l of newborn babies who are singing gospelmusic. . .

fMari lyn 's Apartment]

INarrat ion]This is Mari lyn 's apartment. f 've just moved in wi th her. There'sno room to set a baby down here much less to raise one. This isthe l iving room. And over here is the hallway. We're a l i t t teshort on closet space. There's a small bathroom there straightahead and a bedroom. And this t iny kitchen

Mari lyn: Are you o.K,?

Ross: Yup, I just stumbled.

INarrat ion]Actua1ly, our bedroom doubles as an off ice for both of us. Thingsare cramped but we're happy. Mari lyn is working on a f i ln of hersand I 'm working on mine and we sti l1 have the Berl in WaIl f i lm toedi t .

[shot of soldier at the wal l ]

INarrat ion]But what would happen to aII of this if rire were should suddentydecide to have a baby?

[1i t t1e gir l in Mexico behind fence]

I Narration ]I 'm not exactly sure what really fuels my hesitat ion about havingkids. It may have something to do with the fact that my youngerbrother died in an accident when he was eleven. Marilyn lost hersister when she was quite young so we've both had hesitat ions. Butnow I 'm mainly the one who's not sure about having kids.

IGraveyard]

I Narration ]

1

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On our trip to Mexico, Marilyn and f wandered into this cemeterywhich seemed to be comprised mostly of graves for children. Someof the graves had been opened and the childrents bodies had beenremoved. It was all very disturbing. When we returned home and Iprocessed al l of this somewhat nervously f i lned footage, T foundthat I had shot six whole roles on this one cemetery, far more thananything else on our tr ip. Six out of thirty roles. Confrontedwith this handy mathematical index, f have been forced to wonder ifthis means on some subconscious leve1, I 'n thinking about death 2Otof the time. I know it's absurd to worry about something happeningto a chi ld that hasn't even been coneeived yet but sometimes Ithink this might be part of my problem.

IPrint ing wedding invitat ions]

Print ing press operator: Are the marriages more successful becauseWE'RE print ing wedding invitat ions? I don't know. I only know ofone instance in which the groom-to-be hestitated before themarriage took place. It \das a part icularly nice invitat ion, too.We rrrere recently called up by a young woman for whom rde did awedding invitation four years dgo, who wanted note cards done,usi-ng the rnotif that had been used on the wedding invitat ion. Andshe mentioned that the marriage hadn't worked, but she sti t l l ikedthe cards.We sometimes wonder. . . we'11 have couples who have violentdisagreement over the wedding invitations - about which way to dothem - and oncer w! actually did two versions of an invitat ion, indifferent colors, because he wanted one color and she wantedanother, and rather than compromise, they had both . Werve justlost our power.

Filmmaker: What happened?

Printer: The electr icity has gone off.

Filrnmaker: For the whole shop?

Printer: For the whole neighborhood, I think. [he exits]

[Richard Leacock's house]

INarrat ion]To celebrate ny up coming wedding rny former fitm school teacher,Ricky, and his gir l fr iend, Sarah, have invited us to a dinnerparty. But unfortunately Sarah and Ricky had a fight last nightand Sarah walked out.

Ricky: Everything was going splendidly I thought. I ,m crying notbecause of the grief but the onions. But anlrway, it went from badto worse. I guess also that f rnust have decided somewhere in rnyhead that I real ly couldn't face the huge age difference and I knoweveryone has told me that age difference doesn't real ly matter. I tdepends on how old you are in spir i t and a1l that stuff. Thatrs a1ot of horse shit. I mean thatns al l true up unti l the point when

l0

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you become an ol-d man and that suddenly happens. Even Pennebaker(f i lmmaker D.A. Pennebaker) is going to get old some day! Godknows when.

Ross: How old is Sarah?

Ricky: Sarah is 27 and I 'm 67. We are having a great big f ishsmothered in onions and tomato and aII that gorgieous stuff and al i t t le bit of hot pepper.

Ross: Wonderful .

Ricky: And gar l ic . f t 's a red snapper.

[Head shot of Ricky]

Ross: Would you consider gett ing married again, to Sarah if shecame back or to anyone else?

Ricky: f don't think so because I also have what's cal l-ed thetrroving eye". I love f l ir t ing. Somebody comes in who l ikes tofl ir t and takes one look at me and off we go. And I can'L helpthat and it 's great fun, and it doesn't do anybody any harm. Isuppose it 's insult ing to some people. Now there also a populartheory, very universat theory, that men are more promiscuous thanvromen. Itve never understood the mathematics of that. Every timeI 've had an af fa i r , i t 's been with a woman.

Ross: You've proved i t conclusively. ,

Ricky: I t 's very hard to f igure out how more men have affairs withbromen than women have with men. If we knew a body of men that madeuse of prosti tutes, then you would understand it . But I don't knowanybody that qoes to them.

Ross: ft ts the same thousand bromen over and over again with tenni l l ion men.

Ricky: We1l, I don't bel ieve it . In my own marriage it was not Ithat played around. It was the other partner. That was the firstmarr iage, the real one.

Ross: I didn't know that. r thought i-t was the other rray around.

Ricky: No, of course when you get to a divorce you wish it hadbeen you who was playing around. You feel l ike such a jerk (fool).

IBachelor 's party]

Narr: On the night beforeother filmrnakers take

wedding, some fr iends of mine - mostlyout to celebrate.

myme

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Steve: You tton't even experience your own wedding. You won't geta chance to eat a single piece of food. You won't remember havingseen any guests. And you won't have a chance to talk to anyone.And you'I1 always have your pictures to look back on. Moments youdon't even remember experiencing, but you'11 have the pictures toprove i t .

Robb: f '11 have a much beLter t ime at your wedding than I had atmine

Michael : When f got marr ied, i t wasn' t f ree wi l l . I asked rny wi feto marry me while t. te $rere fucking. In the rniddle of the act.

Ross: Amazing. What i f she had said rrNo?r l

M: What i f she had said No? It would've been rrThis is a penis,th is is a vagina.. . Yes! Yes! Yes!tr l t 's t rue! And af ter I gotdivorced, I used to write with a l i t t le sign over my desk that saidrfNever speak in heatlrr (NB: rrfn heatn is a phrase to descrj-bemating urge in animals. )

S: Somebody said to me before I got married trYou can always getdivorced. r l

R: Did you feel that way?

S: The thought crossed rny mind, but that was certainly not how Ife l t doing i t .

R: Did i t rnake i t easier to get marr ied?

S: No. I thought I would never get divorced.

M: And once you've been divorced, you know it WAS the mostimportant decision you made because it hurts for next thirty years.

S:I had this dream where someone asked me rrDo you l ike marriage?rlAnd I said rrYeah. I real ly l ike the false sense of security.tt AndI woke up laughing.

M: Did you have that after you split up?

S: Yeah.

Robb: The act of gett ing married has a lot to do with other people.BEING tnarried has a Iot to do with yourselves, :but GETTING marriedhas a 1ot to do with your family and your fr iends.

Bartender: Last Cal I , Folks! (Slang for c losing of the bar.) Thisis i t , !

Robb: Prophetic.

' Ti,rrz ?"Jc.f'^''k

fBrymereythe fnn where the wedding is being he1d. Shots of cookspreparing the wedding neal. l

I Narration ]The big day has f inal ly arr ived. I 'm exci ted, but f a lso feelslightly unsettled after having marked the occasion of my impendingmarriage with those fr iends of mine, and I actually f ind myselflooking here and there for a l i t t1e last minute aff irmation.

(young man carrying glasses)

Filmmaker: Are you married?

Young man: Me? No.

[Flower arranger]: f had a twelve dollar wedding, Two dollars forthe l icense and a ten dollar t ip for the justice of the peace (thepresiding of f ic ia l ) . f had i t in my mother 's l iv ing room. And i t rslasted, for 4L years. For the money I spent- L2 dollars into 4Lyears- Lhat 's only a quarter ($ .25) a year. . . that ts a pret ty gooddeal. You don't get things cheap l ike that anymore. My wife thinksi t 's a good deal too.

[Narrat ion] : Fani ly and fr iends are arr iv ing and i t 's get t ing c loseto the hour of the actual ceremony but I can't seem to stopshooting - there's so much to f i1n.

lshot of filmrnaker's Father and Steprnotherl

[Narrat ion] : Mari lyn 's parents have just arr ived and I haven' t evenbegun to get dressed yet.

IMari lyn 's parents, looking at r ing]

M's Father: Use it with a lot of good health and happiness. If youhave good health, you have everything.

IFi Iming Mari lyn]

Mari lyn: Oh Ross, not now.

[camera shuts off]

I Narration ]I quickly negotiated with Mari lyn for ten more minutes off i l rn ing. . .

M: fs that what you're going to wear to the wedding, Ross?

R: No.

M: Wel- I . f 'm done.

fknock on door]

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R: come in.

M ( to f r iend): You look beaut i fu l .

Iarranging M's hair ]

M's f r iend: Ross, when are you gett ing ready?

R: In about 5 minutes.

Iwedding]

fNarrat ion] So f inal ly I stop shoot ing, 9et dressed, and give mycamera to one of those f i lmmaker fr iends of mine.

Another f i lmmaker: We're wondering what kind of advice you mighthave for Ross.. .

Char leen: That he should Do fT!

Iceremony]

Preacher: r r . . . for r icher, for poorer, in s ickness and in heal th. . . t t

R: r t - . . for r icher, for poorer, in s ickness and in heal th. . . t l

P: rrto love and to cherish foreverrl

R: rrto love and to cherish foreverrl

P: t t I , Mar i lyn, take you, Ross, to be my wedded husband.. . r l

M: t t l , Mar i lyn, take you, Ross, to be my wedded husband.. . r l

P: r tTo have and to hotd, in joy and in sorrol^t . . . r l

M: I tTo have and to ho1d, in joy and in sorrow.. . t l

[Narrat ion] : There's my father looking over Mari lyn 's shoulder. . .This time I the battery didn't die but unfortunately, otherproblems arose. Somehow at the critical moment when Marilyn was toput the ring on my finger, I managed to give her the wrong hand.

Mari lyn: I t 's the r,trong hand! Should we do it over?

[Narration] It was somewhat embarassing. First, w! couldn't getthe ring off the wrong finger and then we coul-dn't get it on ther ight f inger. . .

Mari lyn: a l l r ight , let 's do that again.

Preacher: r rwi th th is r ing, r p ledge my ever last ing lover ' . . . by thepohrer invested in me by the state of Massachusetts, and in the nameof this very happy company, I do pronounce you husband and wife.

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IMari lyn and Ross announce their pregnancy to Mari lyn's parents]

[Narrat ion] : I get a long great wi th Mari- lynts farni ly. I t 's thedogs I have trouble wi th, . .They don' t seem to l ike me very much.

Anlmay, we're trying to have drinks with Mari lyn's parents andMarilyn has a toast she wants to make to them.

MariJ-yn: . . . good heatth, happiness, Iove, prosper i ty, and to yourninth grandchild.

M's mother and father: Amen.

mom: Are you tel l ing me something? You are? I 'm gonna cry! I don'tbel ieve i t ! I 've been wait ing al l my l i fe for th is! When?

M: August 6th. You'd better kiss him too, he's going to startfeel ing l ike a neglected husband.

mom: Great work, Ross.

M: We worked quick.

dad: AII I can say is, I kneht you had i. t in you.

Idog barks]

M: Did you think that we would (get pregnant)?

mom: I can't bel ieve it ! Have you been to a doctor?

M: {"=. I had a ur ine test , and an u}trasound. I t was thr i t l ing.

mom: nothing is more important, more wonderful, more beautiful,. . .oh, Lord!

M: Did you throw up (vomit)?

mom: No. I wished I would have.

M: I feel a wave of s l ight nausea, dt about l -1 o 'c lock to L2, and3 to 4. . . just before I eat .

Fi lmmaker: you didn't expect us to have a baby?

mom: f d idn' t know, and I wasn' t going to ask.

M: You were very poli te. You never asked.

mom: No I never did. When someone said rr ls Mari lyn going to haveany chi ldren?tt I just say rr I don' t know, why don' t you ask her?r lBut I DID want to ask.

R: She was wait ing unti l she had something to say.

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IHome movie of faLher and natients'I.

lNarrationl T cal l mv fattrer to tel l him about our Dreonancv. Thenews makes him verv happy- Now that. I'm about to become a father,T seem to be thinkinq more about mv father than I have in a lonqtime.I f ind mvself feel ing, in a way that I haven't before, theqreat geographical distance between us"

Father, ta lk ing to pat ient : WeII , you use that medicat ion, that 'swhat i t 's for .

lApartment builditgl

I Narration 1Meanwhile, Marilyn and I both somewhat in a state of shock aboutal l this I mean we di-dn't actually think we'd get pregnant thefirst t ine we tr ied and I 'm sti l l not ready to have a kid, but byacknowledging that f 'm not ready, f real ize f 'm ready.But I arn still wondering how lde are going to pay the rent.

[man moving boxes]

We move to a bigger place, although once vte begin unloading theboxes it doesn't seem that much bigger than the old p1ace.

Suddenly everything is costing more.

t7

And it's becoming harder and harder tol i fe and l ive my olrtn l i fe at the samedo.

Mari lyn: oh, i t 's heavy. You know, i fdown you could help.

Shopping at the crib store

find the tirne to filn my owntime therets so much to

you could put that camera

Narr: We begin making preparations in earnest for the arrival ofthe baby, I have to adnit that I feel overwhelmed by it aII. Asort of cerebral paralysis seems to set in whenever it comes tomaking the simplest decisions - especial ly in a place }ike this.

Saleswoman: The plain qui l t is $ag.gg, the fancy one is $8L.99. Thesheet is $1-6.99. Notrr, this is a very pretty sheet. And you can alsodo blues, whi tes, p inks. The bumper is $49.99; there is also arnobile (a playtoy for infants).

Mari lyn: I t ike such sinple th ings.

Sales: You don't want animals, or monkeys, or this or that. What doyou want? Do you want primary colors, without anything?

M: Wel l , I l ike dots. . . or , some design.

" -T.rrc ?*J.{.' ^;k'

Ross: something ahstract exnressionist., T tlrink.

Sales: We can do that. This is verr/ pretty. you like this? This trasa design. hut no bears and stuff.

M: sort of.. but I l ike this better because it doesn't have al l theruffles. What do you think, Ross?

sales: This is the Trina Rockadok. This is a beautifur pattern.This is $ZO. for the qui l t .

M: You're qoinc to th ink I 'm real tv plain, but . . .

Sales: Too busli'?

M: Wel- l , i t 's the ruf fLes

_sal9s: welI, nggt things have ruff les someprace. A babvrs a baby,.babies have ruf f les. wer l , letrs see what Ltse we can -qive y"r . . .

R: I find this overwhelminq.

M: I know.

R: .r f ind i t dif f icult to breathe in situations t ike this.

M: And theytre al l so expensive!

[Grandmother in nursing home]:

INarrat ion]That fall, ry grandmottrer died.

tf. thing that I'lI rernenber most about her is how she loved tosing - vaudevi l le songs. most ly. . .

[- grandmother sinqing ]

Her death tvasntt exactry unexpected - she was very old - but stilr"she was the onLv qrandparent I had known qrowino up.

When she died I remernber saying to Marilyn that I nas sad that thechild we would soon have would never kno:w any of my qrandparents.

lshot of f ireworksl

Several months later, weinordinate amount of bloodin the hospital. I t was abeen throuqh together.

r8

had a miscarriage. Marilyn lost anand we ended up sbendinq Ned yearrs Eveniqhtmare, the worst ttring we had ever

I called mY father to teII him what had happened. He tried to bereassurinq, but r could tell- he was sad and disappointed.

" a;*4 3^5ed'-;k "

Ishot of snow-covered streets]

Televisj-on announcer's voi-ce: i l the side streets- covered with snow,l i t tered with cars, and others st i l l never having made it out ofthe drivewayrr

INarrat ion]

Mari lyn and I spent the next several days at home alone. on thefif th day, my brother Tom called. My father had suddenly died.They didn't know the cause, Tom thought i t might have been a heartattack but my father had never had any sign of heart trouble. Icouldn' t bel ieve i t .

The day after my father died, Charlotte, NC, where it hardly eversnows, had its worst bl. izzard of the century. We somehow managedto get the last f l ight i-nto Charlotte for the funeral before theairport closed.

The funeral- hras a nightmare. cars r^tere sl iding off the road andgett ing stuck in snowdrifts. Because it never snows in charlotte,almost no one has snow tires', and instead, people st i l} put chainson their t ires and as we rode behind the hearse, al l I can rememberis how deafening the noise of those chains $tas.

That winter seemed interminable and I found rnyself profoundlymissing my father and my grrandmother and the child that lrlarilyn andI would have had. It was as if the two generations before me andthe one that was to have come after ne had, without any warning,suddenly vanished.

[shots out of bedroom window]

I didn't f i lm anything for months. A11 I have from that winter arevideotapings of local news shows and a few shots out the bedroomwindow, some scene I began f i lning but never f inished.

[shot of grass]When spring f inal ly comes, Mari lyn has to leave Boston to go on afi lm shoot, so I decide to go back to North Carolina. Ann, Rystepmother, is out of town and f guess f'm hoping to spend sometime alone here. It 's the f irst t ime I 've been back since.rny fatherdied, and on some level, I feel as i f I tve come down here toconvince. myself that hets really not here anymore.

I guess, irrat ionally, I 'd expected l i fe around the house to havecome to a standstill after my father died, but already things seem-at least outwardly - to be back to normal.

ILuci l le waters plants on porch]

fNarrat ion] : Luci l le is st i11 here, taking care of the house whi leAnn is alday.

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My witnesses always tel l me gently and poli tely that we're al lgoing to die, which I happen to know already, and actually worryabout a great deal. But worse, they always tel l me that we're al lgoing to die in the very near future. . .

JW: . . .And in i tsel f wi l l s tand to t ime indef in i te, and we real izethat t ime is very near, in the near future, when this God's kingdomwil l start to ru1e.. .

[Narr: ] And so f 'm standing here l istening to this man thinkingnl tm wast ing his t ime and he's wast ing rnine,rr but here I am f i ln ingaway, and al l I can think about is how sweet his I i t t le daughterlooks and how beatif ic HIS face is - and how beautiful the l ightis as i t plays across his face and that I hope I have the exposureset correctly so that I can at least come close to capturing thelight as f see it and f 'm thinking al l these f i lmmaker thoughtswhen suddenly something he'said about thirty seconds ago catches upwith r! , sornething about | tTime indef inite. . .

rr I t 's such abeautiful phrase. But what exactly does that mean? Timefndefinite. r mean the remarkable thing is that while I 'mpretending to be Monet with a movie camera,-this man is trying tosave my soul . . . f mean, he's not even asking for money, or foranything.. .except my at tent i -on. . . and f inat ly i t occurs to me thatthe least I can do is respond in some way to what he's saying.

Filmmaker: I have to say that I'm pretty concerned about the stateof the world, but I have some doubts as to whether the Bible canoffer the kinds of sol-uti-ons that we need to take care of all thecatastrophes that you're talking about.

JW: We1l, that 's r,there faith and hope come in. I have a faith thatsoon God's kingdom wil l bring about condit ions here to satisfy thehumans, because things are gett ing worse; i f man doesn't destroyhirnself by means of these nuclear weapons they have stockpiled,i t ' I t be by means of the pollut ion and the poisoning of the foods,which wil l soon bring man to his own end.

Filmmaker: Makes you srorry about your chi ldren, doesn't i t?

JW: It certainly does, but chi ldren can have a future by lookinginto what the Bible has to say.

Filmnaker: Have you come to this house before? My father just died.I don't know if you talked to him

JW: No, f ta lked to a lady, much older. . . perhaps i t was yourmother?

Filmmaker: My stepmother.

JW: f ta lked to her. . . We did come back and I was unable to f indher again. . . ( jet p lane noise, drowns out words)

" -[l*,"c-'{rJ.4";}c "I

Fi lmmaker: I can' t hear you.

Shot of c loset

[Narrat ion] : Ann has asked me i f I want any of my father 's c lothingfor myseIf , . . . Somehow I can' t real ly imagine mysel f wear ing hisclothes especial ly these. f mean, w! def in i te ly had di f ferenttastei he was always urging me to brighten up my wardrobe and heliked to kid me about weari-ng dark clothes all the tirne -you know:black jeans and dark shirts - what he l iked to cal l rrmy negiativewardrobe. rr

The socks are st i1 l here just the were before he died.. .

ILuci l le i roning]

L: You know how long I 've been here - i t just seems that I 'm partof the fanily. I t was really a shock. The Christmas decorationsbrere st111 up, and me and him worked al l day taking'them down. Andwe had just had a long talk, because I hadn't talked to him sinceyou had gotten married. I asked him rrHow was the wedding?rr And hesaid, r r l t was f ine, Lucy. I t was a real ly nice l i t t le wedding.t 'He said rrAl- l- of them are happy and married; I never thought I seethat.r ' We often had talks about our kids; one t ime he said,rr l-ucy, when do you ever stop worrying about your kids?rt And I said,ffWe}l

, Dr. McEIwee, I giuess never. I got one that 's forty yearsold and I stitl have to lrorry about her. rr Some incident hadhappened and he felt he had to worry about it, and I told hirn aslong as parents are l iving you'11 worry about your kids.

Whenever I have a crisis in ny family or anything, I always lean onthe Holy Spir i t to comfort me Because the Bible says He won't putno more on you than you can bear - that 's the way I interpret i t .

Filmmmaker: Has it ever let you down?

L: No, not so far. I 've lost my mother, my father, and once upona tirne f had two brothers who died. They buried my youngest brotherone week and the next week my oldest brother... . But the good Lorddoesn't make mistakes. It was t irne for them to go home. That'sthe way I feel about i t .

[Wedding movie footage: ]

INarrat ion: ]That night, I ended up rummaging around in the attic, and I founda reel of home movie f i ln I 'd never seen before; . .more footage shotby Uncle Fred, but this footage was of my parents.

Mother and Dad look so young here just kids, really.

I wish I could believe my parents have frgone homerr as Lucil le says,that they're in heaven looking down at me. My father could be thettBig Eyet ' for a change. The observer watching ME. I wish I could

ZL

-'{,^e fJe$'^;*e'

bel ieve that.

So this reel of f i lm has been ly ing around for for ty years. I ' l lbet that my parents never even had the t ime to look at i t . Life wasprobably too hectic. Right after the wedding, my father went backto medical school and ny mother was working as a secretary, andthen four kids were born in quick succession, so we rnoved from anapartment to a house and my father ltas gone every day and mostnights working at the hospital. He saw patient after patient, year

after year. And year after year, Mother cooked and cared for thekids. There were birthday part ies, boyscouts, basketball games,graduations. A f orty year blur of events and i-mages anrl thensuddenly i t 's a l l over. And . . . . there was never t ime for anyone toIook at the wedding footage unti l now.

[Tidal pools/ p i l ings]

INarrat ion: ]Death seems to pay a visit to ny immediate farni ly every ten years

or so. When I was seventeen, my younger brother Robert was hit bya motor boat while he was swimming in a 1ake. He died before theycould get him to the hospital. Uy brother's death was awful e*noughfor me but f 'm sure it \das even vtorse for my father. lie waswatching the kids sr'rim and probably took his eyes off of my l:r:otherfor just a minute.

My.mother died ten years after my brother did, fron breast cencer.She ended up dying at home, and I was with her when she died. Andnornr, after another ten years, my father fol lows my mother" Sogiven these conveniently spaced doses of death, I 've ended up witha lot of anger, anger at the fact that ny mother and father andbrother are gone. But what do you do with the anger? It 'scompletely useless, there's absolutely nothing to vent i t svr. . . andI think this is connected to tthy I keep filning away' it-tsg likeUncle Nate and Uncl-e Fred, adding more and more footage to thefarni ly archives

[re-printed footage of boy stomping f ish. ]

INarrat ion: ]An irnage that keeps coming back to rne is the image of the fishthe one the litt1e boy caught.

When I shot this, I was absorbed with gett ing propev: f

" fro,* ?^Je{'^lk '

INarrat ion ]Even though I 've only been in Charlotte for a few days, I now wantto leave. I think about going back to Boston, but Mari lynrs st i l lout of town shooting her f i1m, so f decide to go see my fr iend,Charleen, who has just moved into a new home after going through adi f f icul t winter 'of her ohrn.

Ross: Char leen!

Charleen: Hey, dar l ing! Come up.

Ross: How are you?

C: I 'm alr ight. I think maybe the cab driver in New York hrasright. These are the latter days Look at that!

R: You look great. I love your place.

C: f do. too. I t ls hard to keep everything aI ive, thorrgh. Look:these qeraniums have decided to drop (wi l t ) . I rm a l i t t leconcerned about how things aren't acting the way theyrre supposedto act

ICharleen inside (talking about rny father) ]

C: I was very surprised to hear about your father,s death, becauseit seemed to me that he was not only a young man but that he had a1ot to do. I always think that keeps somebody alive, to havesomething to do, That's what I think rny insurance is. I think: t f l

can't die. I got something to do!r ' But your Daddy had somethingto do.

R: He was sti l l working on the last day that he died.

C: And I al-so think another thing that keeps you ative was that hewas so happy about your wedding. And he was so glad - al l of usI^rere so glad - at last you r'{ere married ! So I thought that wouldkeep him a1ive. . . I mean his biggest problem, which was you, wassolved! And you had a wonderful wife whom he adored and thewedding bras gorgeous - and he was so happy at that wedding. ft wasone of the happiest days I 've ever seenIt was happy for aIl of us. We were not only rel ieved; we thoughtyou had a wonderful future and that the marriage had so muchpotential for happiness. And I thought that would keep your DaddyaI ive.

[Dr iv ing wi th Char leen: ] l

C: I 'm bringing you here because I know how surprised you'l l bethat where \^te once had a house and then we had a black hole and nowlook what there is - i t 's a miracle, l ike how mushrooms come up inthe rain.

2.1

'' -Ti*

" {i^c. T,,.}.{^,fu "

used to work on it al l the t irne, and now it needs no work becausei t 's brand nehr. r t rs the same house, but better. And the treesare coming back to l i fe and nobody cares or even rernlrnbers.

[ ]ooking up into t rees, then talk ing to owner of house: l

C: I had about ten hanging baskets up there. . .

Man: Can I help you?

c: No thank you: we,d just l ike to wark around a l_ i t t re bi t i f youdon' t n ind- r l ived here. r t rs a beaut i fu l house. you,ve done alovely job wi th i t .

R: Have you ever met these people before?

C: No, f never met these people.

R: Did you know they hrere going to build i t so that i t wourd be adupl icate?

c: rt was a complete surprise to me. what they had said they hreregoing to do was build a park. And I thought tLat would be kind ofnice because as you know Jim cremated hi insetf and r know exactlywhere he lsas when he died and r think of hirn being in thai di; lr ight there- And it seemed sweet to me to see him iet to be in apark in a place that he loved so much. (Laughs) NJw he,s becomesome strangerrs basement! Oh, Jesus!

l in f ront of car]

c: on the wall at the f ire department, they have a framed pictureof the f i re, because i t was the pinnacle or tneir l i fe, h is death.Let 's go look at i t .

IF i re Stat ion: ]

Fireman: You can see fragments of the wood being blown off the topf l -oor.

c: That's our bedroom there, blowing up. when did you think therer^ras someone in the house?

F: we could sm^e.t| a. peculiar type of odor in the front of the housewhen we hrere f ighting the f ire .. . 'and when we courdnrt f ind y;;;husband, we f igured he had to be inside somewhere. That's when luebrought in the tractors

C: From the smell?

F: From the smeI l .

c: How rong do you think he could have rived in that f ire?

2Co

" aTnv 2,^L-f.,'^i{. " A7

F: When the f ire started he was

C: What happens in a f ire?

probably knocked out.

F: He never would have survived the heat.smoke inhalation.

C: So he wouldnrt have had any pain?

F: rt would have knocked hin out. r donrt think he had any painfrom the burns. rt was smoke inhalatj_on, because his lungs wereful t of carbon- r can' t say for sure there , .=. ; t -pui . . ,

f rom theexplosion, but as far as burning, t would feel that he didnrtsuf fer .

C: f t helps ne for you to te l1 me that.

F: f can understand. f t rs hard for rne to s i ti t but i t 's been a whi l_e, but werre learning

C: Thanks.. . . ( to Ross) Cut that of f .

He probably died of

here and talk aboutto l ive wi th i t .

INarrat ion ]

r stop f irming charleen. we go out and have lunch. we decide notto talk about death anymore, either Jim's death or my fatherrsdeath. we have a nice lunch. r spend the rest of the day shootingmore or less meaningless shots orC charleen's back porch. r hadn'tplanned to do anymore f i lning with charreen but in" next day bredive back into it-- rt seems that in some srays she needs me to firrnher as much as f need to f i l rn.

IChar leen and i l imrs ashes]

charleen: rt '= rgt a _very go.od picture but i ts the only one r haveof J im.. . . r 've found thaC i f t - le. . r" the pict , - , r" orr i and r s leepwith i t out, then r start dreaming auout i t so r nave to put i tahray. so sometimes r have it out Lnd sornetines i p"t it ";;y.:.i t 's sort of l ike J in himsel f . r ,ve had this p;a-" ; i lo, ,o ' ths. . .

As you can see, as soon ars I got it, this- b;;; -i

Lpenea it upbecause r had always wanted what i t would look l ike. . . a person,sashes. rt 's horrible to never see somebody you 10ve again rfel-t l ike i t never got f inished. r sras surp-rised when r f inalryopened it up, - - rook-- i t 's a navsie (a type of bag used forwrapping sandwiches)! rt 's a baggid,- of Jirn.--tr trr inr i trs got ahole in it. The bones are sharp. nverybodyrs been mad at me becauser won't throw it away. r canrl decid-e wnetne! to p"i i t in i "; ; ; ,the way Tgst people do- r think what Jirwourd have wanted me to dois.spr inkle i t into the ocean. And r keep try ing to do that. . . r rmgoing to try to.-do it today. But t haverirt been able to throw himaway yet- somet imes r just need to hold i t . But let 's go, r r rn goingto try to throw him away today.

" -Til* Z"Jr{r,+ "

Ross: Have you tr ied before?

c: Not real ly. r t 's harder than r thought i t would be. r t seemsawful to be in a-haggie. He riked water and he l iked rivers, and ith ink i f he courd tark, herd terr me to gret h im back into thewater, and out of the croset! Let 's go try to throw him away

[At the marsh, near the ocean]

c: This creek_goes r ight out to the ocean. r courd put him in here.or r could walk out to the ocean and try to put hi ln in the surf. rguess the f ish couldn' t eat h im because he,s a1l bones.. .

R: It would probably sink down.

c: rt keeps seeming to me l ike the safest place for this box ishere wi th me.

R: r dontt know, char leen. Maybe you should scatter the ashes.Maybe you have been carrying then around rong enough-

c: You don' t know! ! (pause--gazes out) No. rrm taking hin home.

IBack at Char leenrs porch]

Ross: But what.do you do? you canrt just keep carry ing thesearound, keeping them in your c loset next to your-sho"=. ' - - - '

Char leen: WeI l , r rhy canrt f?

Ross: Wel1, I guess you could.

charreen: welr , . r 'm going to keep them next to my shoes unt i l rknow what erse to do with thern. *n" canrt r? Everyone keepstel l ing me r can' t do th is. wel l , obviousry r

" . . , - -ao i t and rdon't see that anybody has a better idea. wha!'s your better idea?

You just say f can' t .

Ross: r told you r thought you should throw thern in the ocean.

charleen: No, r don,t want to throw them in the ocean. There aresharks in the ocean. I t rs dangerous.. .

Ross: Well, you have to do what you have to do.

charleen: wel1, right nohr ilm j.rgt going to keep them next to myshoes. f r l l f igure i t out . I t wi l l cone to me.

lClouds from airplanel :

INarrat ion]

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7)- * J,r^a Sqp'^t{. "

rt-'s strange t_hat r fo_und myself givlng charleen advice - about theashes - that r probably couta nol nav6 taken rnyself. But charleenis resi l ient and r sense that she's somehow c6rning to terms withwhat shers been through.

Every night since i lve been a&ray, rrve talked to Mariryn on thephone- Even though itrs only bee-n'a week that hrerve been apart, i tseems a lot longer. r want to come back to Boston but r feel r needto keep f i ln ing, .and Mariryn encourages me to stay at i t . so, r rvedecided that what r need to do is gd f ir_n rny ram"ity.

My fanity has always abided by a common form of southern etiquettewhich dictates t l"! i t 's irnpoii te to t i inq up the subject of deathin t.h" fani ly, with the result that at t imes it seems that thesedeaths never happened. rn fact, sometimes it =""*"

"" lr the l ivesnever happened. But my sister Df5,e has always been the exception

in th is for me- we've arways been abre to ta lk about anything,either on camera or off, so rJm going to Key west, Florida to visither.

[Dede's bird on porch]

I Narrat ion ]Dede and her husband have recently movedbedrooms, two baths, and a l iving roomversion of the Garden of Eden.

D: Theyrre just l ike dogs almost.and play with the poodles.

Ross: How long have you had him, Didi?

D: r 've had him about two years. r 've had a rot of b i rds. one rhad to let go. rt was an Air ican parrot that r{rasnrt happy in i trscage- He comes back every summer and rives up in this tree here.we get lots of parrots that come into this bi; , ;e;--n"r".

Rgss--. Everything here feels so hearing, the sun, the wind and forthe f irst few days r just surrender 6 i t . eui i i t"r a white rbegin to feer nagged ny trre need to talk about Dadrs death. r knowDidi has taken his aeitn very hard but r ask her i f she wourd bewil l ing to talk about him on ?irn with me and she aqrees to try.

lDCde si t t ing in chair l

DPd9: Remember when Dad used to take us to the park and he wouldtake all the kids in the neighborhood?

Ross: Yes, f do remember that.

Dede: sunday afternoons we would get an j-cecream cone afterwards..

Ross: fs that what ybu remember best?

21

into th is house. I t rs twothat seems to open up on a

He l ikes to swim in the pool

" -T;^{ ?"[r$'",]. "

of-a!j Y_es, and then the nature museum. And going. down to thecreek and playing. rt was rea11y pretty there, I remember that.

Ross: But as far as deal ing wi th his death, you st i l l havenrt cometo terms with i t .

Dgdg i lm not sure what to think, r know r miss him, but thatrsal l I know.My dog chi ldren, cami l re and therers pear l . Go on, get down.

INo image]I Narration ]when r pause for a moment in rny sh_ooting, Dede terls me she sirnprycan't talk about Dad either on f i lrn o, -off .

IDr iv ing down Deders streettINarrat ion ]Dede says she.misses rny father. what more is there to say? shernisses hin but sornehod-she,s q"tt i"t on with nei- i ire, the onrysane ttr inq to do. For the nex[, rew.days r tag arong,itn Dede andher fr iends but what exactly do r think I,m accomprishing down herewith ny f i l rning? r mean, f point th; camera at ny sister andexpect her to be able to put into words what r canrt-and then shecan't so what do f do now?

[Man on dock with parrot]INarrat ion ]Everyone in Key west seems to. have a parrot ald many of the parrotstalk' rt occurs to ne that if ilrn s'o- aeterrnined to discuss deathmaybe r shourd stop badgering people and interview a parrotinstead.

[Motel roomr or.r the phone]

Ross: Yeah? No, f drove about 25O mi les I guess.

INarration ]ilve said goodbye to my sister. r t_hought it rnight be a good ideafor me to spend some time arone so rrve

-rented a 6ar and rrve begundriving sort of aimlessry and now i lm staying in i ,n"i"r.

Ross: Yes, i t rs very nicely decorated. In fact , I would say. . .

3o

INarrat ion ]r talk to Mari lyn for armost an hour. shers my rock in al l oflhig. Again, she telrs me to keep f irrning untir r get whatever i tis r need down here. Fi-nally, r

-decide to go back to rny fatherrshouse one last tine, so the next day r ditch the car and take apIane.

IClouds from airplane]

INarrat ion ]

"' -Ti.,*c T^}c{.^,le " 3l

The longer r stay down south, the more everything reminds me of myfather- - people's accents, the weather, even men wearing praidpants- - . rn th is yelrq-bray, r keep looking tnougn- lhe v iew f inderof the camera and harf e-xpect to see hi; ri"ed

"p' i" *v ;i;;t;again.

f also f ind myself becomj-ng more and more obsessed with death ingeneral and it1=_ throwing a shadow over everything, l_ife, *.r lfami ly- The idea of f in i ry especiai ly hau?rts # and r keepthinking there must be some way foi me to dear with this through rnyf i ln ing.

IRoss addressing camera in fatherrs house]

Ross: Everything begins and ends with fami ly. r don,t know, somepart of me resists that idea. r mean thereis so much confl ict infanily especial ly between the generatior=. you drive your parentscrazy, they d_rive you crazy ind then suddenly theyrre dead andyou're stunned. First you're twisted by theii r ivJs then you,retwisted.by their deaths. ana then you get to grohr up and do thesame thing to your own kj-d.

INarrat ion ]so, as f 'm si t t ing here tark ing to my camera, hy rni_nd starts towander and r begin worrying that ilire gotten otr on the wrongltrack' r mean, sure ny f irni ly and r had our differences but we didall 10ve one another. That's-.actualry the problern. you get boundup in faniry and everyone in i t stari i io die.. The pain just goeson generation after generation. But r canrt just

" i t-rr"r" and talkabout al l th is. f t rs to depressing.

Ross: r don't know. rt seems l ike once you get sucked into thevortex of farni ly there's no way to get ouc exc6pt to die. -

I Narration ]r wish the camera battery would die. r mean, what about spir i tual_things? Talk about the soul

Ross: Maybe there is an afterl i fe. r think we night actually havea spir j-t or soul !h"F l ingers on some form after we die, lastingout over the centuries, gradually fading unti l therers nothingleft- Kind of r ike radioactive waste. i ininr nasi-cairy, when youdie, you die.

INarrat ion]God, how desolate. r 've gone over the edge. what about rove?

Ross: of course you can fal l in love. you can l_ive with someone.You can marry them- r 'm in love with Mari lyn. -

r; ,n happy werremarr ied- r cantt wai t to see her again. But, r don' t know, i tseems l ike the thing to do would be not to compri-cate this notionof love with family.

INarrat ion ]s i t t ing here star ing-. ! *y camera, r 've-somehow gotten trapped ina norbid metaphysicar fee&back 1;p; .r,a to say the r_east, r needto break out of i t - But st i l l ther6 . r* ' tn"=e quest ions that wonrtgo away. I t 's aI1 very cornpl icated.

Ross: f t rs al l very cornpl icated.

INarrat ion ]r know what my father wourd have said. rn his best, stoic,Protestant mode, he wourd ter_l

Tg to get "", i t t , my l i fe and toenjoy l i fe, stop dwel l ing on death, u 'd that nr-gnt - i 's

rm farr ingasleep I make a pledge to nysel f to t ry to do this.

(Bee exterminatorr or l tadder)

I Narration ]But the next morning yet another visitor shows up to do some workon my father 's house. And.of course, qir r"r , tnE

-* ' th ings havebeen going, who erse could i t be oui- ine= exterminator.

Exterm: OK you can probably get aare the worker-feeder beesl tryinq

INarrat ion ]The bees have burrowed under the window si l l and made their nestin the heating duct which lea-ds-.in_to mv tatnroom where hundreds ofthem have gotten trapped, and died and" waited f;;;; to get backfrom Florida, insuring, in their own small wdy, that r wourd nothave to go even 24 horirs without thi;ki;g aboul-death.

And of course the bees which are st i l l al ive in the nest wil-1 soon

3:.1:fl1#$::" by rhe lethal poison sprayea there oy tne friendly

r don't fee] l- i-ke hanging around the house so r decide to see whatmy brother Tomrs up to.

[Tomrs pat ients]

Tom: (examininq womanrb foot) That looks good!

" -il,^e TJ.$";k - 3Z

good picture r ight there; theseto get in, to tend the nest.

INarrat ion]My brother has already begunpatients and he now oCcupi-es

Woman with breast tumor: When

Tom: you canrt go home today.

to take care of someny fatherrs of f ice.

am f going home?

of my fatherS

woman: r told Dr. Fanning r was going to talk to you about that.

T: about when to go home?

" T*T"L$^;L' 33

woman: yeah-- r don't want to sit down here this weekend, i trsboring down here!

T: wel l why don' t r^re say Fr iday. . . Today's Thursday, so thatrstomorrow.

Woman: tomorrow.

T: wil l you miss me over the weekend?

Woman: oh yes, f just canrt stand i t .

T: How long did you have that thing on you before you came to adoctor?

Woman: f donrt know. ft just crept up on me. But fignored mysel f . r don' t want to th ink iuout mysel f . . .INB: scarlett o'Hara--- from the movie 'Gone witn tnethink about that tornorrow'r ( laughs ) .

hras busy, II 'm Scar let t

Windrt l ; t t I t l I

T: Do you think i t had been there a year?

woman: No, i t didn't seem to start bothering me untir aboutOctober.

T: Did your children or your husband try to get you to come to thedoctor?

Woman: f d idnrt even te1l them

T: You've got to start taking better care of yourserf! !

woman: r t 's l ike what r said. . . f don' t l ike to worry people.

I In Tom's of f ice]

Tom: she had a huge breast cancer, as big as a cantaloupe. And sheigonred it for two or three y_ears.

: . . . just denied it completely.

Did not want to trouble anybody with itl The tumor ulcerated, andstarted draining pus, and you could not be in the same room withher, i t was so infected and it smelled so bad. f donrt know how herfanily members could not have known what was going on. r think th;teventually talked her into going to the aoCtor.- But i trs ;"; i i iinterest ing, because we usedto s-ee this a lot more of ten . . .a radywho denied her condit ion so much... Now we see it maybe once everytwo years.

:Ross: To what do you attr ibute her wait ing so long?

T: r asked her how - lonq . l t

had been there, and she denied i t ,saying t tOh i t 's only been there a few monthsrf Thatrs r id iculous- i ihad been Lhere for years!

o Tr,,*J*!s$)i*o. 3Lt.

R: Tom, did you notice anything strange about Dad's health, r ightbefore he died?

T: r never noticed anything. You know, every one of his sibl ingsdied of cancer, and r think he was always worried about thAthappening to hirn; they al l had horrible, slow deaths from differenttypes of cailcer. I think he was always concerned about that, but henever showed it to me.

R: How exactly did he die? we al l knew he had a heart attack, buthe was in exlel lent heal th; he exercised, ate we11.. . i t justhappened so suddenly.

T: we don't real ly know what happened to him. He was driving hiscar and he just fel l over in the seat. I t could have been a st ioke,

Most l ikeIy, i t was his heart, but that hadnrt been a problemin our fani ly. we'rr never realry know what happened. But i tcertainly hras a lot better than the way his fani ly had died. rtrsthe way to go, i f youtre going to do it , thatrs the way to do it .

IBrother on telephone]

INarrat ion]so, Tom was more or less wirr ing to talk about my fatherrs deathbut suddenly, r was the one who couldn't think of anything more tos?y. I had all these questions I had wanted to ask my brother:Like, had my father's workload been too heavy? when was the lasttime my father had a medical checkup? Why wasnrt an autopsy done?Br! suddenry, asking questions just seemed overwherminglypoint less.

I Tumor ]INarrat ion]My brother took this sl ide of his patients breast tumor for hismedical records. It's horrifying that rdoman was attacked by thisawful tumor. But r can't stop thinking about this image on a whoreother level, having to do with denial. she sirnpry denied she hadthis thing on her body, pretended it wasnrt there. I mean, i trskind of lik!i death itself. This huge grotesque thing that staresus in the face but somehow we manage to deny it, to abstract it,which is also what happens when r stare at this photograph longenough. And it 's What,s beginning to happen with ny fatherrs deathtoo. I came down here hoping to face directly his death, and deathin general, I wanted to somehow corner death with a camera andprevent i t from becoming abstract, but now, ironical ly, thisf i lming of my family is aI1 beginrl ing to feel l ike a distraction.Just another form of denial and I need to stop. I mean, in a wdy,ilve been trying to get photographic proof of my father,s death andof death in general. But what good does the proof do il!, oranyone?

ILucil le sweeping leaves]

I Narration ]

"4, "

?J{"t+"L" 3t

I had pretty much decided to cal l a halt to rny f i lnlng when Lucit leasked me if I would do her a favor. She wants me to make a videoof her wedding anniversary.

Lucil le: We were at an event and the kids said something about awedding anniversary... .And somebody said "Nobody been married forf i - f ty years.rr My grandson said,"Oh yes. My grandparents have beenmarried for f i f ty years and they sti l l are!r l

Ross: Do you want to make this for your chi ldren or grandchildrenor is i t for you? Do you imagine looking at this yourself in a fewyears?

Luci l le: f hope so. I hope f '11 be able to look at i t a whi le.I 'm planni-ng on l iv ing as long as T can.

ftaking box out of the trunk]

Luci l le: This is my headpiece in here.

I Narrat ion ]f 've known Lucy f ,or 3O years. She's been a constant in our fami ly.With my sister l iving in Florida, my brother i-n North Carolina andme hray up in Massachusetts, the three of us have more or Lessposit ioned ourselves at thousand mile distances from each other butLucy and her famity are st i l l here and sti l1 together and despitea lot of hard t imes, are now celebrating that fact.

ISett ing up the tables]

I Narration ]And f ' rn happy to become the archiv ist for someone else's fami ly.I also have to confess that i t doesn't seem l ike a bad idea for meto try to f i lm something other than ashes and tumors for a change.

Luci I Ie: I 'm not camera shy.

Ross: You've never been camera shy.

Luci l le: No, I sure haventt .

IMan undressing]

Ross: Why have you got the scarf on your head?

Man: Keeps me from messing up my hair.

Ross: Oh, I see. That 's one thing your father doesn' t have toworry about.

f l .uci l le 's husband walks out in tuxedo]

Woman: Check him out. Turn around and 1et me see.

t' '-L'^ 4-:&Jr.fi.^iL"

Woman with chi ld: Come oD, turn around norrr. you look just l ikeyou did 50 years ago r when yax l,a{, more hqir.

IWoman brushing hair ]

Woman: Hold your basket.

Younger Woman: Bye, bye.

Ross: That 's i t Lucy.

Lucy: That 's i t . . This is i t .

R: Are you nervous Lucy?

L: No, but when f start down the isle f night be shaking in myboots.

Woman in Pink: He better not be able to see you. You just stayright there.

L: That 's an o1d tradi t ion they say. They always say that thegroom shouldn't see the bride before the wedding. Haven,t youheard that?

R: Oh yeah, f guess I have.

L: Did you see Mari lyn before she came out?

R: Yeah, w! d idn' t do i t very convent ional ty. That 's why you'resLaying here and he's al l the way down there.

L: Yeah, that 's rdhy. That 's what they say. After you getdressed, h!'s not supposed to see me unti l we go dom the is1e.

R: What do you think about the fact that i t 's been 5O years.

L: I t don' t seem l ike i t 's been 50 years. I t real ly don,t .

[L & M coming down the isle]

Preacher: We are gathered here to help this good man and his dearcompanion renew the sacred vow they took 50 years ago on this day.This half century of happy married l i fe has ripened into a love anda devotion that has become a blessed and a benediction to all of uswho have learned to know them as friends.

Woman: Lucil le, 50 years ago you promised to be loyal to hin, r ichor poor, in sickness or in health, wil l you therefore also nohr, inthe presence of your chj-ldren, in the presence of yourgrandchil-dren, in the presence of these fr iends who have gatheredhere, renew these vows and continue this devotion as long as youboth shal-I l ive?

3G

- -Til^c ?'J4'4e'

L: I do.

Woman in purple: The Lord may his face shine upon you. And giveyou peace now and forever. Amen.

Preacher: Amen.

[L & M kiss and the people applaud]

tL & M leave the church and drive aritayl

IClouds from airplane]INarrat ion ]Fi lming Luci I le 's fami ly bras such a pleasure, So much lessdiff icult for me than f ihning my ohrn fanily.

lo ld fani ly footagel

INarrat ion]I mean, over the last 15 years I've edited and reedited thisfootage I've shot of my family used it in various films I'vemade -but now f wonder if this just hasn't been a way just fondtingthe footage -trying to massage it back to life. llaybe I've beentrying to preserve things in the present, somehow keep everyonealive in some sort of rrtirne indefinite,t as my Jehovah's witnessfriend likes to say.

[Clouds from airplane]But I nohr feel that f 've done enough f i lrning of my family downSouth at least for the t irne being so I 'm heading back to Boston,and the main thing f feel now is an overwhelrning desire to be withMari lyn again.

fMari lyn on the phone]

M: I f you can just g ive me the dimension of the stove.. .

INarrat ion]Time went by. Summer turned into winter. And the overwhelningdesire I felt leads to other developments.

(she turns around revealing her pregnancy. )

[Shot of Mari lyn pregnant in bed]

I Narration ]The baby was due on January 1-4th. January 1st came and went, dsr^re nervously marked the anniversary of our New Years Evemiscarriage from the previous year. January 6th, the f irstanniversary of my father's death came and went. And January 14th,the due date, came and went. We waited.

ISound of Mari lyn giving birth]

37

" -Tir"'e dnF't +-"'

Ross: f t 's c lose! f t ,s a l i t t le baby!

M: Oh baby! Yes. Yes. Baby. Yes. A real baby!

fshot of baby]

I Narration ]

This is Adr ian, one wee]< old. I d idn, t f i lm his bir th because Iwanted to help the midwife deliver hin so this is actually thef i rst footage of Adr ian that we have. But mari lyn doesn' t real lyl ike th is shot because she said i t makes hirn look l ike a gerbi l .f don' t know, I th ink he looks f i -ne in th is shot

IView out of plane window, p]ane descendingl

I Narrat ion ]I don't have much other footage from the f irst six months ofAdr ian's l i fe part ia l ly because I fe l t so amazed by hin and soconnected to hirn in such a deep way that I haven,t been able tobring nyself to pick up a camera and f i lrn hirn. Another reason Ihaven' t f i lmed is that i t feels i f I haven' t s lept in s ix months.I mean, making f i lns about metaphysical angst is a cinch (NB: easy)compared to learning to take care of an infant. But by the t imeJune rol ls around, w! get _our l ives somewhat under control againand head back to North Carolina.

IFani ly Reunion]

INarrat ion ]This summer I don't end up f i lming at the reunion but my cousinMary, Super I Nate's daughter, shoots a home video and now as IIook at i t , I feel f 'm seeing through her eyes. Uncle Nate diednot to long ago. To me it 's as i f Mary is subconsciously searchingfor her dad here. I know I f ind myself looking for my father. Butthen there's th is, the great wa1I of babies. That 's Adr ian in theback row right hand corner with al-I his cousins. I guess thismeans I 've f inal ly arr ived at t rBaby Cityt t .

Visit ing Charleen

R: (c l imbing stairs) I t 's to the lef t here.

Char leen: I love this baby!

(s i t t ing on couch)C: Ross, he looks l ike you.

R: I think he looks l ike both of us.

C: He looks l ike his daddy and sort of l ike his mommy! But hemostly looks l ike you! This is such a smart baby

R: He's been around the camera a bi t .

38

"-T,'^* Z,Jqfi'^.'{. "

c: That's not what makes him smart. Being around a camera makesyou stupid!

I Narration ]

So, Charleen seems quite happy that we have a baby. But when Ireturn from loading up a new rol l of f i l rn, I ' i l l somewhat start led tosee that a new topic of conversation has been opened up.

M: I suspect in a year, you are going to want to have a second one.Emotional ly. Not intel lectual Iy.

R: I can' t imagine i t .

C: There are reasons for you to have a second one. There brere nogood reasons for you to have a f irst one. That hras your f irstmistake There are a lot of reasons to have a second baby. Inthe f irst place, this baby's going to be impossible. This baby isso strong in his ego, and he,s going to get so much attention fromyou doting idiots that you are going to need something tobalance. .

M: That 's sort of what I feel .

C: You' l1 1i-ke i t bet ter as you

R: But when do you sleep?

3q

It 's too precious, almost.

get more adjusted to i t .

C: You don' t sIeep, Ross. (pause) One_ is a pet. Two is a fani ly.

C: If anybody would ask me intel lectually whether or not they oughtto have a baby f would say rrNortr . . . I t 's abso1utel l i , s tupid.Especial ly with what we see in the Third World and people who arestarving and al l the babies -- there are so many more babies thanthey are people who can care for them. Why would you do it? Youshould NOT do i t ! . . . There are a lot of babies who need you as adaddy and what have you done? You've compounded the problem.

R: fnt .e l lectual ly, I fe l t a l l those things too. Mari lyn did also,but somehow, you're dr iven to do i t . I t ts pr imal.

C: That 's exact ly r ight . Youtre dr iven to do i t . For the samereason you love - you can' t help i t . You just canrt help i t , whichtel Is me i t 's just another aspect of being passionate in your 1i fe.Something is in control that is not us. I mean you just canrt helpit. You and I are saying you cannot help the way you smile at yourbaby. There's something going on here that,s beyond us thatdr ives you. Despi te the fact that i t is stupid to do i t . . .

M: And exhaust ing. . .

C: And exhaust ing, you do i t because you cantt help i t , youjust can' t help i t .

I Coastl ine ]INarration]So as the f irst year of Adrian's l i fe goes by, I f i ln him now andthen. It 's a pleasure nold, something I enjoy doing, and he evenseems to l ike i t . Maybe ft l l eventually make sone sort of f i lmabout him growing up in the world.

[Fina1 Shot of Adrian lying on crib]Maybe the filrn can begin with that first shot of him, the gerbilshot.

[Gospel music comes j-n at the end: rrBye and Byert.]

" -.1I-.1PJ*F'^.rL " 1o

..r'::.4i j . -1