They say that children of alcoholics never mature. Reflecting on my life now I can see this in my life. My father is an alcoholic. I am not casting blame on anyone. s a chail was too smart and acted too mature. What I was doing though was hiding. I was hurt,scared and un happy . I never developed the tools to handle emotions one gets during life. When I was old enough I found drugs then alcohol. I was in hiding all my life,. Hhiding from feelings and hiding my drug abuse. When I lost everything (wife, job, son) the second time, wife, job, son and moved to Nevada, I was pretty much shattered. Then I lost my grand mother then and my brother, I turned to alcohol . I ended up in the COD program.

It was my choice to enter the COD program, it was my choice to submit ,to give up control over my life. Sober getting clear headed and being introduced to some counselers I began to see there was something deeply wrong with me. I opened up to my counselor and asked to figure me out. WOW, pain, emotional pain, sober emotional pain but then came understanding! Months went by. My eyes were opened and , really a whole new world opened up. At first, the more I understood the more it hurted but then something changed. The pain started to go away. I actually started to see a change in the way I thought think about everything. I finally was maturing. I saw this in my self. My mother saw this also.

I am no longer in hiding or afraid or in pain. I like who I am. I have friends who like me, friends that know everything about me. I feel now, that I fit in the world in my own way.

These friends are people I have met on line and talk to daily on line. My counselor told me to use my chat activities to learn how to deal with people in the real world. I can’t not say enough about how much this has worked for me.

I do not want to say “ I am strong in my sobriety” I think that is a dangerous mind set. I will say however that I am a very strong person now. There is so much I want to say. I have changed so much. I can laugh, I can cry, I can be bored. I can be busy. I have learned that for me, it’s all about acceptance and perception.

My plan is to get my Drivers License back. Secure a good job again. Find and connect with my son. I have some things I’d like to resolve with my dad. Long term goal is to move back to California. All these things are doable. I am in no hurry. As far as “triggers” I don’t really see anything that would be a trigger as I have already been through so much and have learned to deal with it