Verum, Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum

Issue 68

Chris Evans offers to be harbour

statue for a week DJ pledges to replace statue by way of an apology.

Chris Evans this week pledged to

replace the harbour statue for a week

after upsetting many locals.

Evans caused a furore after claiming

there was ‘nothing to do’ in Whitstable,

and as a result viewing figures for the

One Show plummeted, with many locals

tuning into Emmerdale instead.

Local viewer, Mark McBark said, “I was so angry that I kicked in the screen

on my TV. I hope Evans is wrong about Whitstable as I don’t have a TV to

watch now”.

Evans issued a statement yesterday apologising for his comments and

added, “I am going to donate a week’s wages to the local branch of the RNLI

and will be the harbour statue for a week. I will wear the yellow sowesta and

hat and locals can come and speak their mind to me. It’s the least I can do”.

But local fisherman Adam West said, “The least he, or

anyone can do is actually nothing at all. But that’s

beside the point. If he wants to stand in the harbour

dressed as the statue, it can only be a good thing for the

town. There are actually a few people round here that

still like him”.

The fisherman statue said, “It’s fine by me, I could do

with a rest from giggling French and German kids

taking pictures of me”.

Evans offer may have come too late, though, with many

local businesses reporting a drop in demand for ginger

biscuits, stem ginger, Ginger Rogers DVDs and Jamaican ginger cake. Dean

Evans who runs Seagulls and Flamingos, said “I wish he’d sort it out soon.

People don’t come to my shop anymore because they think we’re related”.

Big Orange Head

Band To Entertain

King George VI

Time Travellers to take popular trio back to

1940

A surprise visit to Whitstable from a pair of music

loving time travellers has resulted in a local band

playing in front of King George VI – 72 years ago!

The band, Big Orange Head, were approached by Mr and Mrs Edwin Bickerstaffe-Smythe

from Leeds, after their time machine bought them to Whitstable last Tuesday. “We actually

left Leeds next Thursday”, laughed Edwin, “But we’re still having problems programming the

blessed thing”.

Staff and customers looked on in amazement as the couple – still in monochrome – ordered

Banana Dacquiri’s from the bar and began doing the Charleston to the band’s songs.

“There was something odd about them right from the start”, said Pearson’s regular Ronny

Rumball, “I asked them where they were from, and Edwin said they were from Leeds and

effectively were still there and not here at all, even though they clearly were”.

Bickerstaffe, 29 (although 109 in our years), explained that he ‘pilfered’ the idea of a time

machine from HG Wells who he claimed drank in his local pub and their arrival at The

Pearson’s was a bit of a fluke. “We loved listening to Big Orange Head, they play the style of

music that is popular in 1928, where we come from. I’m sure all 17 of our children would

appreciate it”

Bass player Dan Lawton said, “Edwin claimed to be a groundsman on King George VI’s estate

and said he’d like to book us to appear at one of his parties. He’s coming to pick us up last

Wednesday so we can do the gig”.

Guitartist Bill Clift was, however, a little reluctant, “It’s all very well entertaining his majesty,

but we’re being paid 2/6p which is fuck all in today’s money. I’m not keen at all”

This is the story of how the offside rule was

noticed by Wayne Roony or Andy Carrott

Bryan Adams guitar seller

hangs himself

The music shop owner who sold Bryan Adams his

first real six-string back in the summer of ’69 was

found dead last week.

Colin Hall-Clarke, of Walmer Road in Whitstable

was found hanging from his bedroom door with a

simple suicide not around his neck which read “To

the world – I am so, so sorry”.

A neighbour told The Wind Farm, “Colin never

forgave himself for selling the guitar to Adams and

sold his shop and moved to Whitstable after

hearing Adams’ first record”.

Another neighbour said, “It was a heavy burden of

guilt for Colin and very few people knew about the

guitar sale. These weren’t the best days of his life,

that’s for sure”.

A small service was held at Canterbury cemetery

on Friday, but only the vicar and a homeless man

called ‘Charles’ turned up.

Hole in road downgraded to a ‘Bump’

The gaping hole in the road in Beach Walk where several cars have disappeared was this week downgraded to a

bump by Canterbury Council.

Cllr Marjory Barjory and a team of civil engineers spent several hours inspecting the hole / bump and after a

lengthy council meeting and a public consultation downgraded its status. “This is not good news for people who

live in Beach Walk”, said Local resident David Essex, “More road work goes into bumps than it does holes. This is a

cover up”.

Dear Sweary - Is it just me or are they coming on a little strong with those texting-while-driving awareness ads on T.V. recently? Well...anyways, I am driving and probably should turn off my phone. I just wanted to know if anyone else was notic..... Dear Sweary Now that they’ve discovered the God particle Higgs Bosun thingy, will I have to return the royalties that I get for writing All Things Bright And Beautiful? I never worked again after that and don’t want to start again in a hurry, either. Cecil Alexander (Deceased), Cobham Sweary Says I doubt that very much, but you have to admit that those scientists have made a fucking mug of you, ain’t they!? Meeeeeeeh!! Dear Sweary Which club should I join when I leave Arsenal? I hear Man City are doing rather well but I quite fancy Tottenham’s chances now that AVB is in charge. RVP, Rotterdam, Holland

Sweary Says QPR mate. Simple. We need a new striker, and Mark Hughes isn’t as big a twat as he comes across. You’ll soon be forgotten about once Podolski starts scoring, and he’s a far better striker than you anyway.

Dear Sweary What's black and furry and looks like half a cat? – G. Parsons, Whitstable Sweary Says - The other half. Now, fuck off. This is a serious advice column. Dear Sweary – I’m thinking of coming to Whitstable for a short break. Is there actually anything to do there? Chris Evans reckons there isn’t fuck all to do and

they don’t even have a Helter-Skelter. Alex James, A farm somewhere Sweary Says – Mate. You don’t have to believe everything you hear on the radio. Especially coming from the mouth that kissed Billy fucking Piper once. There’s loads to do mate. Come down for the Oyster festival in August. Just be prepared to park your car in Herne Bay and shuffle along like the workers in Metrolpolis. And pay four fucking quid for an ice cream....

Ask Sweary YOUR problems answered by a Seagull

From that stoned bloke from The Ship (In Sandgate)

This is the story of how the offside rule was changed by FIFA to stop England dominating the football world after our famous 1966 victory. The offside rule was originally mapped out on the breakfast tables of English Public schools. To start with you took the salt and pepper pots and a slice of toast for the goals and there you are, the offside rule. Toast is all nice straight lines, the pepper pot was either in-line with the toast or it was offside. Many an on-pitch argument was settled by the referee and both captains going to the breakfast table set out in the referees changing room and seeing if the pot was offside. If your pot was on the table you was interfering with the meal and therefore offside. Using the toast and condiments rules England conquered the world and would have done so for the next 50 years But after Nobby Charlton and Sir Alf Ramsgate had won the World Cup in 1966 and to prevent the 50 year of English rule, the Switzerland FA run by Step Ladder decided to use Croissants and preserves to explain the offside rule. As we are all aware, Croissants have no straight lines, the jam could be onside even if it was in front of the French styled pastry. The Swizzers who had never got involved in conflicts and loved banking cash for participants gave this new twist the ‘not interfering’ rule and continued to act as banker for all the voting delegates. How could this be fair cried the English footballers who were used to neat straight lines and winning world wars. But Johnnie Foreigner would not listen to the protests and insisted on the continental breakfast becoming the standard for offside decisions. Soon the Hun had added cooked meats to the table to further complicate the decisions. This became known as ‘the clear daylight’ rule which as we all know is German for ‘pale rubbery cheese’. The English have never understood why cold processed meats and cheeses would be served at breakfast and therefore will never

understand the new offside rules. Things became more complicated when brown envelopes filled with cash started becoming the norm for FIFA delegates, then the Brazilians introduced both pubic hair removal and fruit to the scene. The fruit additions meant that breakfast table rulings had to be carried out in 2 settings, known in South America as First Phase and Second Phase. The word Phase is not used by any decent Englishman, it is only used by Electricians who are known to rip off any law abiding house holder. The English now had not only cooked meats and cheeses to contend with, they now had melons and grapes introduced. This totally confused the honest English who never took to the pitch without a clean handkerchief in the pockets of their shorts and the resultant 46

years of hurt has followed. From time to time the English have tried to introduce a new interpretation of the offside rule by suggesting the addition of kedgeree but to no avail, the rest of the world will never understand the appeal of kedgeree. Other home nations have also attempted to influence FIFA’s rule changes but not knowing the brown envelope traditions stood

no chance. The Scottish FA tried to introduce the salty porridge addition to the continental rulings, this met with less success than their football teams have enjoyed. The Irish had a limited trial with their Guinness ruling, whereby all supporters had to be drunk to understand the offside rule, this was introduced by Jackie Charlton, the tall, ugly sister of Nobby. This of course does not include the Welsh who have never had an original idea in their history. The only way the English FA can think of teaching their players the latest rulings is for them to only use a better class of hotel when on tour and for them to get to know the difference between toast and croissants. The difference has not yet been noticed by Wayne Roony or Andy Carrott.

.....’Ere. Get this,

right. Bloke in The

Pearson’s works at

the council right?

Knows Cllr Marjory

Barjory really well and

he reckons she’s

introducing ID cards

for people that live in

Whitstable. Yeah! For

the Oyster Festival.

Problem is, town gets packed out with visitors and tourists and stuff. Locals don’t get a look

in, right? Get shoved off the pavement and beaten to the bar at The Neppy. Visitors take all

the good benches, just like the Germans, right? Can’t move for DFLs and their horrible

kids....BUT.....all that is about to change – with a Password. Barjory and the other

councillors came up with a password that only the locals can use, and it’ll get you a seat in

any pub or restaurant no matter how busy it is. The visitors won’t know it, and the only way

you can find out what the word is is by phoning the council and asking for Barjory’s office

and they’ll tell ya.......But I know what it is. My mate told me when he was pissed. The

phrase is – and keep this well under yer hat – “Kunt Kat Kippers”......Not a word, right?!

Keep it quiet in case everyone finds out. But in August, if you walk in to any pub and say

‘Kunt Kat Kippers’, you’ll get served first. Same in restaurants, no matter how busy they are,

they’ll serve ya. And traffic wardens an’ all. If you’re parking space gets nicked by a Grockle,

just say ‘Kunt Kat Kippers’ to the traffic warden and they’ll let you off. ‘Course, it won’t apply

to me. I’m gonna rent my flat out for a grand that week and fuck off out of it. Go on

holiday. Too busy for me, crowds and stuff. Remember – “Kunt Kat Kippers”. Mum’s the

word, like......