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The Wedding

Guide

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I will betroth you to me with righteousness, with justice, with love and compassion.(Hosea 2:21)

The word for marriage in Hebrew is kiddushin, meaning sanctification, reflecting the spirituality and holiness that are an integral part of the act of joining a man and a woman together as husband and wife. At Emanuel Synagogue we want to do all we can to make your wedding day as special and beautiful as possible. This guide has been created to explain the details of the wedding and to help you plan and organise all the elements required for your wedding day.

Choosing a DateThe first step is to choose a date. We will perform marriages on any day of the week except Shabbat and festivals and during certain periods of the Jewish calendar year: fast days, the period of the counting of the Omer (between Pesach and Shavuot) and between the three weeks from the17th of Tammuz to the 9th of Av. It is advisable to contact the Synagogue office before selecting a date for your wedding to avoid any conflict of date with the rabbi of your choice.

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Choosing a LocationOnce the date has been chosen and the rabbi secured, the next step is to decide upon a location. There are no Jewish laws concerning the site for a wedding. Traditionally, Jewish weddings are held either in a synagogue or outside. Outdoor weddings, under the stars, are considered to confer a special blessing because the bride and groom can look up, see the stars shining in the sky and be reminded of God’s promise that the Jewish people would be as numerous as the stars in the heavens. Weddings may also be held in reception centres or homes. When making

the decision, it is important to consider whether or not the guests will be able to see and hear the ceremony,

whether there are places for seats for those who will be unable to stand and accessibility for

those with disabilities. Most important is to choose a place which has meaning

and significance for you.

At Emanuel Synagogue we have two available indoor locations:

the Neuweg synagogue which can seat 150 people and the main sanctuary which can seat up to 600 people.

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Music for the CeremonyYou may choose to employ musicians and/or singers to entertain guests before the official arrival of the bridal party. The organisation of this music is completely at your discretion. Generally the rabbi will chant the blessings during the wedding ceremony. The Emanuel vocal quartet is also available to sing during and before wedding ceremonies. To discuss this further you may contact our vocal quartet director. If you would like to have a cantorial soloist or other singer chant those blessings, we can provide you with some suggested names. There is an additional charge for engaging the the vocal quartet or other singers.

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PhotographyIt is wonderful to have images of your wedding captured on video and in photographs and we are happy for you to have both at your ceremony but please encourage the photographers and videographers to be discreet.

DressFor the chuppah ceremony, we ask that the bride and bridesmaids dress modestly, in deference to the sanctity of the occasion. If you have any questions about this please speak with the rabbi officiating at your wedding.

Documentation The next step in your wedding preparations is to complete the necessary documentation required for the government and the Synagogue. You will be sent a package of documents. There are strict time limits on the date for lodgement of the documents for marriage with the government agencies, so it is crucial that you `complete the documents and arrange the meeting with the Rabbi at earliest mutual convenience.

If you have any questions about any of these papers, please do not hesitate to call. We will be happy to clarify and answer your questions.

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Documents and Details Required For the Government:• Completed intention to marry forms (included with this

booklet)• Birth certificates or current passports (if unavailable, bring a

statutory declaration attesting your age and identity)• Divorce certificates, civil and religious (if applicable)• Death certificate of deceased spouse (if applicable)• Parent’s consent if under age - girls 16 years/boys 18 years

(forms are available from the office).

For the Synagogue:• Completed synagogue wedding application (included with this

booklet) • Proof of Jewish status (see below)

Jewish StatusIt is the position of the Australian Rabbinate that we will only conduct marriages between two Jews. Thus, before you can be married at Emanuel Synagogue, we require proof of your Jewish status. This requirement is most easily met with a copy of your parents’ ketubah (Jewish Marriage Certificate). If either of you converted, a copy of the conversion document is proof. In some countries, religion is declared in a passport or other official document and this is considered proof. If you are unable to produce any of these documents, we will accept a letter from a rabbi known to you or failing that, a statutory declaration from two Jewish people who are known to both the Emanuel community and you. If you have any questions about what will be sufficient, please contact the office for suggestions and clarification.

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If you have been previously marriedIf your previous marriage was a civil wedding, all you are required to produce is the Decree Nisi from the Family Court of Australia, proving that you have been divorced and are free to marry again under Australian Law.

If your previous wedding was a Jewish ceremony, with a ketubah, then we require proof of a Jewish divorce. The get is the Jewish divorce document which frees the parties under Jewish law to marry again. Without such a document, issued from the appropriate rabbinic authorities, we are unable to perform a ceremony for you. If you do not have a get, contact the office and we will assist you in organising one.

If you are civilly married and want a chuppah (the Jewish ceremony)

If you are already married to one another under civil law and are now proceeding with a religious wedding, you will need to provide only the documentation listed below:

• Civil marriage document.• Proof of Jewish status: see previous page

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The Prepare ProgrammeWe believe that it is crucial that two people enter a marriage with the best possible understanding of one another. For this reason we require all couples to participate in the “Prepare Programme”, a pre-marital course which will help provide you with the skills to communicate even more effectively with one another, to locate the places of possible conflict and to give each partner a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship. The Prepare Programme consists of a series of questions. Each of you answer them individually, and then a trained facilitator will arrange a follow up session to discuss the answers you gave to the questionnaire. In the past, couples have been very grateful for the opportunity to participate in the programme and have found the process a wonderful way to begin their lives together as a married couple. Rabbi will give you the details so that you can arrange a time to meet with our Prepare facilitator.

Meeting with the RabbiYou will meet with the officiating rabbi before the wedding. This will give the rabbi the chance to get to know you both and discuss the details of the wedding. The rabbi will contact you about the date and time of that initial meeting once you have booked the wedding. You will need bring your completed documents to your meeting with the rabbi. Subsequent meetings with your rabbi may also be scheduled so that you may have conversations about creating a Jewish marriage and incorporating further Jewish ritual into your home. Should you choose to meet with the rabbi at any other time, please just call and make an appointment.

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Aufruf (the wedding call ups)Weddings are a celebration for the community as well as for the bride and groom and their families. As such, it is traditional to have an aliyah to the Torah on the Shabbat before the wedding, or the week before, to give the community a chance to congratulate the couple and acknowledge their up and coming nuptials. At this event, other family members may also be called to the Torah to receive a blessing, especially the parents and siblings of the bride and groom. To take advantage of this beautiful custom, you must organise the date and the number of aliyot with the office of the congregation. The date should be confirmed as early as possible.

It is traditional for the couple or their parents and friends to host the congregational kiddush following the aufruf. The kiddush consists of light refreshments but can be more elaborate if you wish. On many Shabbatot there are other celebrations in the congregation and we request that you share the kiddush with the other families. Again, the office can provide you with all the necessary details and assistance, including our requirements regarding kashrut.

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The MikvahWith the many demands made upon you at this hectic time, it can be easy to lose sight of the spiritual aspects of the wedding. One beautiful custom observed by brides for centuries is that of the mikvah, or ritual bath. The mikvah has been used in Jewish tradition to mark moments of transition and change, times of great significance and awe. According to the Talmud, the ultimate source of all water is the river that emerged from Eden. By immersing in the mikvah, people participate in the wholeness of Eden and are ‘reborn’ as pure as those first human beings. For the bride, going to a mikvah before her wedding can be a transforming moment and a time of private contemplation and change before the chuppah. Some brides like to go to the mikvah with their close female relatives and/or friends and share the moment with the female companions closest to them. Traditionally, the mikvah is entered the day before the wedding, but it can also be on an earlier date. If you choose to participate in this ritual, the rabbis can provide you with the necessary blessings, locations and help you with the details and any questions you may have. Men are also encouraged to immerse in the mikvah prior to their wedding date.

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FastingIt is traditional for the bride and groom to fast on the day of their wedding. As on Yom Kippur, fasting helps the bride and groom to focus their thoughts so that they approach the chuppah refreshed and cleansed of the past, ready to move into their future.

Kabbalat PanimA lovely custom which some couples are now rediscovering is the Kabbalat Panim. It was customary before the wedding for the groom to gather with his friends where he would attempt to teach some Torah. Since the groom is not to do any work on his wedding day, his friends are charged with interrupting him by teaching their own lessons, telling stories and tales to increase the joy and levity amongst the guests. In another area, the bride gathers with her friends and they speak to her of love, sing songs, dance and entertain her as she is seated on a special, decorated chair. This custom has been adapted by couples and is a lovely way to begin the celebration.

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Signing the DocumentsAs part of the formalities of the wedding, the state marriage documents and the ketubah must be signed. The ketubah is signed before the chuppah ceremony, and generally we sign all the documents at the same time. If you do not wish to see each other before bedeken, we wil sign documents with you separately. Otherwise, we can sign all the documents with you together in the same room we do bedeken.

Two witnesses are required for the state documents and two for the ketubah. There are no restrictions (other than age of majority) on the witnesses for the state documents. For the ketubah, the two witnesses must be adult Jews who are not related to the bride or groom or each other.

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The KetubahThe ketubah is the traditional Jewish marriage contract which is signed before the wedding by two adult Jewish witnesses. It is considered an honour to be asked to sign the ketubah. We are available to help guide you in the selection of your ketubah. Should you choose, you may use a ketubah written and designed for the Union for Progressive Judaism in our region, available at the synagogue. Additionally, personalised ketubot can be designed and purchased from various artists in the community, or through the web and can be a wonderful gift for you. There is scope for creativity within the text for couples who so choose. We advise you to read carefully through the text of any ketubah, both the English and the Aramaic or Hebrew, before purchasing or commissioning it. If designing your own ketubah or using one purchased or obtained outside the synagogue, please show the text to the officiating rabbi in advance of the wedding.

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BedekenThis is the traditional veiling ceremony and the moment during which the bride and the groom see each other for the first time on the day of the wedding. The groom is brought to the bride, usually escorted by the friends who have been gathered with him at the Kabbalat Panim, singing and dancing. Some couples prefer this to be a more private moment and choose not to have many others present. In this case, the guests would proceed to the chuppah. The groom meets the bride and lowers her veil over her face. This is a reminder of Rebecca who veiled herself when she first sighted Isaac, reflecting the gentleness of the moment. Also, by veiling the bride, the groom sets her apart from all others.

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Following the bedeken, the bride, groom and the guests make their way to the chuppah, or canopy, under which the bridal couple stands during the ceremony. The shelter provided by the chuppah is a symbol of the first home that the bride and groom will share.

The chuppah can be as simple or elaborate as you choose. It should be open on all sides and offer shelter above. The chuppah can be made of any material and some couples create their own chuppah decorated with symbols, quotes and colours that are significant to them. The chuppah poles can be decorated with flowers, vines or ribbons. Sometimes the chuppah is constructed from a tallit, perhaps one that belongs to the groom, or given to the groom by the bride. The chuppah can be free standing or held by friends and relatives. Holding the chuppah is another great honour which can be given to those who will offer the couple support though their marriage.

The synagogue has a free-standing chuppah for use at weddings here in the shule. There is a choice of cover: blue velvet with a gold magen david and fringe, white silk with a gold design, or a tallit. For weddings in other venues we have four portable poles and the choice of a tallit or the white silk cover. These portable poles are not free standing and will need to be held by four honoured guests. If you wish to use the congregation’s chuppah, please notify the Synagogue office, so that it can be reserved for your special day. You must pick up the poles before the wedding and have them returned thereafter.

The Chuppah

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The ProcessionMost couples choose to have a procession to the chupah. The order of the procession and the people chosen to walk are varied and are a matter of choice entirely for you. Generally, the groom arrives at the chuppah first, escorted by his parents, the groomsmen and the rabbi. Then the bride arrives, led by her bridesmaids and escorted by her parents. Music can be played for the procession either by recording or live, but we ask that you discuss the choice of music with the rabbi before the wedding.

There is a custom where the bride’s parents carry candles to the chuppah. The candles symbolise the light of God in the marriage. Further, candles were thought to keep away evil spirits and bad fortune.

CirclingCustom has the bride, as she arrives under the chuppah, circling around the groom three or seven times. This tradition can be beautiful and meaningful, but is not required by halachah. Again, there are many reasons suggested for this custom. Some say that by encircling the groom, the bride is creating a protective circle of love. It is also the way the bride symbolically creates the walls of the new home. Yet others consider that the circling is reminiscent of the walls of Jericho which, when circled, came tumbling to the ground, leading to the hope that any walls or barriers between bride and groom also tumble to the ground.

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The Betrothal (erusin)The Jewish wedding consists of two ceremonies – betrothal (erusin) and marriage (nissuin). The wedding begins with the rabbi reciting the blessing of betrothal over a cup of wine. The blessing speaks of the uniqueness and exclusivity of bride and groom and their relationship. The cup of wine is then passed to the couple by a parent, grandparent or significant person in their lives.

The bride and groom then exchange rings, the groom reciting the betrothal pledge in Hebrew and then in English: “Behold, you are consecrated unto me by this ring, according to the laws of Moses and Israel.” And the bride, if presenting a ring to her groom, can choose to say a similar pledge or other words of love and betrothal. While traditionally, the groom gives the ring to the bride as a symbol of the price that he paid for her, the double ring ceremony emphasizes the mutual equality and commitment of the bride and groom to each other. The ring must not have any jewels or stones, but be a simple, unbroken band of precious metal.

Next, the ketubah which was signed earlier, is read aloud. The rabbi then speaks with the couple, giving them a personal message for their special day.

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The Wedding (nissuin)The second portion of the ceremony is called nissuin. This section includes the seven wedding blessings which speak of the joy of creation and the role of the couple in the Jewish community. The blessings end with praise of God who has created joy and gladness, groom and bride, love and companionship, pleasure and delight, peace and harmony. At the conclusion of these blessings, both bride and groom drink from the same cup. Again, this cup is handed to them, usually by a parent, grandparent or close relative or friend.

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The GlassFinally, a glass is placed on the ground, and the groom breaks it under his foot. Today, some brides also choose to break a glass. The custom of breaking the glass began after the destruction of the Temple as a reminder that although we are in the midst of celebration and rejoicing, there is sadness and incompletion in the world, of which we must be ever mindful. Today, the breaking of the glass has taken on other interpretations also. Some see it as a symbol of the fragility of life, and as a reminder that even on the most joyous occasions we must remember that life includes sorrows; the couple is challenged to play their part in making the world whole.

We will bring the glass. Please make sure that you tell the rabbi beforehand if you both wish to break a glass so that an extra one can be provided.

YichudImmediately following the ceremony, it is traditional for the bride and groom to be alone for a few minutes. For this purpose a room or place may be set aside, often the same room where the badeken occured. If the couple are fasting, yichud can be the time when they break their fast. Yichud is also a precious moment in the hectic day, to be together and alone, to speak to one another and reflect upon the significance of the day.

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Your FunctionAs your function is a Jewish celebration and event we ask that you observe a level of kashrut. Our preference is for Kosher or non-meat events. At a minimum, there must be no pork products or shellfish served or mixing of meat and dairy products. Further, it is important to have a fish or vegetarian option for those who will not eat meat which is not kosher. If bread is being served, then the blessing should be recited as well as hand washing facilities made available. Finally, if the blessing for bread is said, then Birkat Hamazon, grace after meals, should also be recited. Birkat Hamazon has a repetition of the sheva brachot, the seven wedding blessings, and is therefore an important and beautiful part of the celebratory meal. If you have any questions about this, please ask the rabbi.

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Writing a WillMany people do not realise that marriage will nullify an existing will, unless the will was specifically drafted with this marriage in mind. If you have a will, it would be good to consult a legal advisor and make a new one after your marriage. If you do not have a will, you might want to consider drafting one at this time.

MembershipAs you begin your married life together, we would encourage you to join our synagogue. Synagogue membership adds a dimension to your relationship, as you become a family in a family of families, part of a community. Membership supports our pastoral, educational and communal work, entitles you to all our services and is a meaningful step towards creating a Jewish life and home together.

If you are not currently members of Emanuel Synagogue, we have a discounted membership fee included in the wedding fee for the

first year of marriage. A membership form will be sent to you as part of

the wedding documentation.

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Mazal Tov

Again we all wish you mazal tov and look forward to celebrating this very special

time in your life together with you.

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Rabbis:Rabbi Jeffrey B. Kamins jbkamins@emanuel.org.auRabbi Jacqueline Ninio jninio@emanuel.org.auRabbi Paul Jacobson pjacobson@emanuel.org.au Rabbi Dr Orna Triguboff orna@neshamalife.org

Music Director:Andrea Catzel andreacatzel@gmail.com

Enquiries: info@emanuel.org.au