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Wounds heal, chicks dig scars, glor y lasts forever!

ISSUE #1November 2008

THE TRIBUTE TIMES

Not to be sold without condoms.

KOTH Fluf suspected of treasonDateline - IMK StationGeneral Melaki, Commander of Morsus Mihi Internal Affairs, confirmed that for-mer alliance leader KOTH Fluf was under an ongoing investigation for alleged spy-ing. Apparently rumors following the re-cent battle against BOB forces in the E-O system caused the General to break the OIA’s usual practice of refusing to com-ment on ongoing investigations.

Melaki would only confirm KOTH Fluf was indeed under investigation for spy-ing; and that he had been temporarily re-lieved of all of his duties other than POS fueling until the investigation could be completed. When asked about why an accused spy would be allowed to fuel POS Towers the General merely laughed and stated “Well who the hell else is going to do it?”

Times sources, however, have confirmed several shocking facts.

It appears that the rumors of KOTH Fluf’s spying began immediately after the now historic battle against BoB in E-O. Allied pilots, upon return to base in the IMK System, immediately went to the cloning station to perform the Morsus Mihi Post Battle “Help Fluf Out of The Cloning Tube” ritual. This ceremony, which occurs after absolutely every fleet battle in which Fluf is a pilot, is attended by both the military and civilians alike and usually followed by vigorious betting on how long will

Fluf’s clone last before being podded by Guristas Pirates.

Captain Lipix of Shiva reports: “Like... oh my God! We were all looking at the clones just frozen there and saying: what the f***? And then we hear Fluf behind say: what the heck are you guys looking for? I nearly had a heart attack!”

However, after the recent battle, Morsus Mihi pilots were shocked to find all 5000 of Fluf’s clones unactivated. In short, he had been in battle and had not died! Sus-picion regarding his obviously being a BoB spy spread like wild fire.

Even more serious are the whispered ru-mors that Fluf was not flying a Drake at the time of the battle. An event that has never been witnessed in the past.

This story continues to develop.

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Dateline - Branch

Prostitution, Eve’s oldest profession, has spread to the nether regions of EVE like a bad case of herpes. Several “massage

parlors” have opened up in various North-ern Coalition stations. The owners of said parlors advertise that they offer thera-peutic massage stress therapy for the overworked miners and Guristas Pirate hunters that make up about 99.999999% of the Northern Coalition Military. Amarr members of the Northern Coalition are outraged. Alliance Leader Vuk Lau, when ques-tioned about the issue at a recent media conference stated that his men needed every sort of therapy available to them to insure their physical and emotional will being. During the media conference, however, an Amarr protestor created a bit of a scene.

Amarr Protestor: Prostitution is a crime against the flesh and against the soul!! Vuk Lau: There are no prostitutes! They’re only massage parlors! Shessh! I go to the Blue Moon at D7 all the time. It’s perfectly platonic. AP: Oh really, then what about this menu from the Blue Moon Parlor which clearly states that you can get an “around the world” for 500 ISK? VL: Errm... (coughs) AP: And the women that work there! Have you seen what they wear? VL: They have women working there?

Thereafter a small riot broke out.

Dateline - E-O System

The Freedom Monument, which is the name given to the hull of Shrike’s Titan, was christened just a few days ago by Blaze as “a reminder to all that enter Trib-ute that the Northern Coalition stands for peace, love, and yes, cute furry animals; and that violence within our borders will not be tolerated.”

Unfortunately, member Mordrake Black, while on yet another of his alcohol fu-eled 24 hour mining binges mistook the monument for a crokite laden asteroid. The result being the total destruction of the monument. Mr. Black is being held for trial without bond.

However, Sir Molle - Leader of the Dem-ocratic Peoples Alliance of the Band of Brothers - has recently announced that in return for the Northern Coalition’s “gra-cious gift of allowing his people to rent the M-O and E-O systems for a few weeks that he has ordered Shirke to donate a new Ava-tar Hull to replace the glorious monument, recently destroyed”. Delivery took place in Obe just a few days ago.

Vuk Lau personally thanked Sir Molle for the gift and said: “Today is a great day for peace. BOB has shown that they can be more than heathens. They can be thought-ful heathens. As a result, Morsus Mihi is con-sidering opening our refineries to the BOB mining teams in E-O. We don’t use the low end ore refining sections much anyways.”

Drunken miner destroys an anti-war

monument

Capital ship manufac-turers show a sharp

increase in sales

Public outcry - Tribute Times delayed!

Dateline - Taisy

Several capital shipyards have reported a huge increase in demand in the past week. Demand from BoB buyers is report-

ed as especially high.

Renowed Billionaire Industrialist - J’inn, was interviewed on behalf of the Capital Ship Manufacturers Association.

Reporter: So how are profits J’inn?

J’inn: (giggle) (snicker)

R: J’inn?

J: Oh, heya baby. Hey you’re kinda hot and... oh yes, profits... Well let’s put it this way. Profits are so high that I no longer need viagra.

R: Erm. Okay. Well I understand that you are a member of Morsus Mihi correct?

J: Well... I suppose. I mean can anyone re-ally be a member of anything? We are all individuals right?

R: What? Well... okay, it has been report-ed that the Northern Coalition lost a few Capital Ships recently. Have they been placing orders?

J: Oh yes. (giggles)

R: Can we assume that you have been giving deep discounts to your Alliance and it’s allies.

J: (sputter) Discount! Look there is no need for foul language! I mean really! I thought the Times was a better...

R: You’re charging the market rate to ev-eryone?!

J: Of course not! What do you take me for? I’m charging the war profiteering rate to everyone. It’s much higher. Heck I have even bought a Rolls Royce Edition Jump Freighter. Hey it cost me 50 Billion but hey, ya only live once. It’s got a disco, and a spa and...

R: ... (sigh)

J: You should go with me for it’s maiden voyage. It is really great and I strongly en-courage you to check it out.

R: I think I will pass on that sir.

J: Oh, come on! You can become a mem-ber of the ten light year jump club. We have all a man needs. Little amarrian boys, some Quafe, EVE Poker, free pods to shoot, some bodies to desacrate if you like...

R: Thank you, goodbye.

On the side note, Northern Coalition of-ficials are looking into price gouging alle-gations within Tribute and the surround-ing areas.

The launch of the Tribute Times sched-ueled for early May 2008, was delayed, because the senior graphic editor Xavieer Naidoo attempted to smoke a joint the size of Plague’s Titan and failed epically at the attempt. He managed to torch an area the size of Plague’s cojones. Sadly this area was his stomach, so he was ad-mitted to a local hospital for a few weeks. Afterwards he was shipped to a mental asyllum after hitting on every man on the ward. Strangely he mooned all female personel and patients crying “Giant penis in bunghole”. We were able to catch local

Police Blotter - M-O system continues to be infest-ed with pirates flying the BOB flag. Given the virtual worthlessness of this backwater system no police ac-tion is currently scheduled. Howev-er, explorers are warned not to enter these areas.

- Lord Dragon’s little furry pet was stolen yes-terday out of his owners’ apart-ment. There is a 10,000,000 ISK reward for its safe return. It was last seen wearing a pink sweater and little doggy boo-ties. The pet is called “Bubbles”. Lord Dragon is currently receiving grief counseling.

- The Guristas Pirates filed an injunc-tion against Orree today demanding that he vacate the W6 system and end his 24/7 multi-year assault on their forces. They have also demand-ed that he be forced to take a show-er. The W6 systems now has a traffic advisory due to related protests.

- Triumvirate Forces continue their raids into Tribute and Branch. Pilots of Ibises are warned to avoid travel-ing through stargates unescorted. Other ship types are not effected by this warning.

If you have not seen this award winning performance, Tribute Times strongly recommends you to do so. You can grab it here.

“Talent doesn’t matter. It’s all

about hard work.”

A winner of the “Audience Reward” for the best Northern Coalition dancer tells us about his perfor-mance and his passion.

Tribute Times: Greeings Lord Dragon, how are you today?

Lord Dragon: What do you want noob?

TT: I just wanted to talk about your re-cent performance.

LD: Oh... allright. Shoot away.

TT: Is it true that your performance was not genuine and you just ripped Justin Timberfake’s moves?

LD: Who said that?

TT: Vuk Lau.

LD: Primary Vuk Lau! Primary Vuk Lau! Bubble the f*** up! Bubble the f*** up!

TT: ....

LD: Ummm... I’m sorry... this reward

Lord Dragon performing RAWR HAKA dance.

chief physician dr. med. J’inn Nubcake for a quick comment.

Tribute Times: Hello Mr. Nubcake. This is the Tribute Times. We’d like to ask a few questions about our own Xavieer Naidoo and his recent hospital visit.

J’inn: Such info is confidental, but if... SHUT THE F*** UP WOMAN! I’M ON THE F****** PHONE YOU DUMB F***! Erm... sorry about that. As I was saying, if you send five marines and two janitors to my sex lair we have a deal.”

TT: So what can you say about Xavieer Naidoo’s tripping out from smoking that big ass joint?

J: Oh my... That f******* asshat was trip-ping out so much, he laughed for 2 weeks straight, even though he was shot up on everything we had. I even farted straight in his face, which just made it worse.

TT: Where there any down sides?

J: Down sides? Besides the fact that he wanted to hump my leg every time he saw me?

TT: So what did you do?

J: Well even I have a minimum threshold, that all my lovers must meet.

TT: Was that the only down side?

J: Hell no! We had five nurses admitted to a mental home. None had ever seen so many dangleberries on one guy. It was simply a see of barf!

TT: Why was he admitted to mental home?

J: You know what they say. After you get high you gotta get low. He got really low you know.

TT: So he went into a depression?

J: Sure as the fact that Fluf fuels POSes!

TT: He seems alright now. How was this depression treated?

J: You know what they say, twenty prozac a day, keeps those bad thoughts away.

TT: Does that mean that Xav...

J: You take them pants off now boy! The J’inn sees something he likes. The J’inn takes!

(Beep.... Beep... Beep... connection lost...)

About a month later, our reporter was able to contact Mr. Naidoo. This is what he told us: “Yes I’m recovering now. Why did I even roll that joint...? Well, to be per-

fectly honest with you I was brokenheart-ed. Yes, that’s true. I fell in love. One day I was chilling in my captain’s quarters, when I saw that videoclip on MM TV. You know, the RAWR Haka dance. And there he was... wearing that red hairband, looking strong like an Erebus, his Titan was swinging up and down, left and right... Pure beauty. I’ve sent him tons of evemails, but recieved no response. I even hired some ex MC pilots to kidnap him for me, but they failed. And if he ever gets to read this magazine, I’d like to tell him one thing: I STILL LOVE YOU LORD DRAGON!”

Mr. Naidoo is currently accepting do-nations for his rehab and mental treat-ment.

means a lot to me. I get all emotional when I hear such bull**** accusations.

TT: I see. How long did you work on your choreography then?

LD: About 6 months.

TT: Does shaking your ding-ding-dong require a lot of practice?

LD: Sure it does.

TT: Please tell our readers more about it.

LD: Well... first of all you have to make sure it’s... you know, working. I person-ally love to practice with my best friend - Shrike.

TT: You surely have lots of fans.

LD: Who cares. They all either speak ger-man, live in Canada or are fat ass Serbs.

TT: Well... there were some really heavy cases. We might even talk about “LD-ma-nia”. Take for example Xavieer Naidoo...

LD: What?! That c***sucker?! That little c**t. That stinking noob that flies noob-ships in my fleets? That little fa**ot! I will f***ing find him and pod him. That little p***y a** mother******!

TT: Why so serious?

LD: Did you know that he sent some noobish mercenaries to kidnap me? They even brought lube! I podded them all.

TT: Ummm.... allright. Any closing com-ments?

LD: Yeah... Talent doesn’t matter. It’s all about hard work! And remember - never, ever fly Drakes!

TT: Thank you for your time.

FEELING THIRSTY AFTER PODDING THAT REDBOX ?*

THE OFFICIAL SPONSOR OF MORSUS MIHI* - may contain small amounts of TRI and BOB tears

If you wish to become a Tribute Times reporter feel free to contact us via MM forums.

Reporters:

J’inn

Anders

Xavieer Naidoo

Layout design: Xavieer Naidoo