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8/21/2019 The Secrets of Existence and Fulfilment
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. U. SIVRI
THE SECRETS OF
EXISTENCE AN
F
ULFILMENT
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Copyright © D. U. Sivri (2015)
The right of D. U. Sivri to be identified as author of this or! has
been asserted by hi" in a##ordan#e ith se#tion $$ and $% of the
Copyright& Designs and 'atents #t 1%%.
** rights reserved. +o part of this pub*i#ation "ay be
reprodu#ed& stored in a retrieva* syste"& or trans"itted in any
for" or by any "eans& e*e#troni#& "e#hani#a*& photo#opying&
re#ording& or otherise& ithout the prior per"ission of the
pub*ishers.
ny person ho #o""its any unauthori,ed a#t in re*ation to this
pub*i#ation "ay be *iab*e to #ri"ina* prose#ution and #ivi* #*ai"s
for da"ages.
C-' #ata*ogue re#ord for this tit*e is avai*ab*e fro" the ritish
/ibrary.
The infor"ation in this boo! is intended to be edu#ationa*& and
shou*d not be "isused in any ay hatsoever. The infor"ation&
a*though diagnosti# by nature& shou*d not rep*a#e #onsu*tation
ith a ua*ified hea*th#are professiona*. The #ontent of this boo!
is intended to be used as an adun#t to a rationa*& responsib*e and
ua*ified hea*th#are progra""e. The author and pub*isher are in
no ay *iab*e for any "isuse of the #ontent.
-S+ $% 1 $%55 3%1 5 ('aperba#!)-S+ $% 1 $%55 3%4 (ardba#!)
.austin"a#au*ey.#o"
6irst 'ub*ished (2015)
ustin 7a#au*ey 'ub*ishers /td.25 Canada Suare
Canary 8harf /ondon
91 5/
'rinted and bound in :reat ritain
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#!no*edg"ents
Than! you to "y fa"i*y and friends for "a!ing this boo! be#o"e a rea*ity. Than! you to a** the peop*e - have he*ped
over the years;by he*ping you& - have a*so he*ped "yse*f.
$
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CONTENTS
-+T=U< 69=U< :=/S
CHAPTER THREE: 67
97'=89=U< -:9< C=+SC-=US +D T9 /8 =6
TT
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INTRODUCTION
8e a** need he*p at various points in our *ives. 8or! #an be
#ha**enging& boring and repetitive. =ur re*ationships #an be
diffi#u*t& unfu*fi**ing and prob*e"ati#. 6a"i*y *ife #an be
"onotone& hu"dru" and uninspiring ;
So hat is it that separates #ertain peop*e fro" others@ 8hy is
it that so"e peop*e #an get through *ife and "a!e a su##ess of
everything& and others see" to be stu#! in a perpetua* rut of
negativity and undera#hieve"ent@ -s there a E"agi# for"u*aF
that enab*es so"e peop*e to a*ays E#o"e up s"e**ing of
rosesF& hi*st for others *ife tends to be one *ong strugg*e ;
7y years or!ing as a psy#hotherapist have "eant that - haveen#ountered peop*e fro" a** a*!s of *ife and have he*ped
the" to dea* ith a** types of prob*e"s in their dai*y *ives. 6or
the "aority of peop*e& their *ives ust need Etea!ingF& #ertain
readust"ents and i"prove"ents on a pra#ti#a* *eve* to he*p
the" "ove forards in *ife. 6or others& the so*utions are "ore
#o"p*eG& they invo*ve deeper psy#ho*ogi#a* uestions that
need to be addressed and ansers that need to be found inre*ation to their per#eptions and understanding of their *ives.
8e a** have si"i*ar issues in *ife& but hat defines so"e
peop*e fro" others is their abi*ity to #ope ith #ertain adverse
situations in their *ives and use those definitive points to their
advantage& rather than to their detri"ent.
fter a**& ho hasnFt orried about the fo**oing thingsH
ging
eing *one
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/osing a /oved =ne
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So"eti"es itFs ust a uestion of being mindful & of
re#ogni,ing hat you are thin!ing and #ha**enging those E*itt*e
voi#esF of negativity that !eep popping up every ti"e you
ant to say or do so"ething. - i** he*p you to dron out
those negative voi#es that have he*d you ba#! in *ife.
So"eti"es it #an ta!e an Epiphany to for#e you to #hange&
and at other ti"es& itFs ust a uestion of or!ing ith
yourse*f and di*igen#e that enab*e you to get the resu*ts you
are *oo!ing for. 8hatever e do to "a!e us #hange& the
rea*ity is that e "ust do something! I-f e do hat e have
a*ays done& e i** get hat e have a*ays gottenJ is the
o*d adage; nd hen it #o"es to our *ives& this is very true.8e tend to thin! that the ansers to our prob*e"s *ie
so"ehere e*se. -n rea*ity a** the so*utions to our diffi#u*ties
*ie ithin us. 8e ust have to *earn ho to un*o#! the
potentia* that e have and use it to enhan#e and benefit our
*ives. =f #ourse& so"eti"es e need a :uide& a Coa#h or a
7entor to point us in the right dire#tion. ThatFs here
so"eone *i!e "e #o"es a*ong. - have spent years he*ping peop*e rea*ise their true potentia*. - have "et peop*e fro"
// a*!s of *ifeH
#tors& Singers& Sports"en and Sportso"en& City
ighf*iers& /ayers& ouseives& *ueCo**ar 8or!ers&
Coup*es& Sing*es& you na"e it ; -Fve "et the" a**B 8hatever
their obs or ba#!grounds& they a** have one thing in #o""onH
Th !"#$ %& I'($&) %h#$ L#)"
So"eti"es itFs TT si"p*e. -t starts ith a desire. Then
be#o"es an un#ontro**ab*e uest to find ansers to i"prove
their *ives or to find a deeper "eaning to what it’s all about .
So"eti"es it is 6ear that drives us& other ti"es it is /ove& andon#e in a hi*e e are driven by a for#e that even e donFt
tru*y understand. 8hat - have found though& is that& hatever
the reason is for #hange& e #anFt a*ays fight it. -t has a
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poer a** of its on that re"ains unsatiated unti* it is
a##o"p*ished.
Change is inevitab*e. -t is nothing to orry about or be fearfu*
of. That is hy you have bought this boo! in the first p*a#eH>ou a*ready A+=8 you need to #hange for the better. 7aybe
you have pro#rastinated& or "aybe you have put it off be#ause
you have been too busy& or fearfu*& but hatever your eG#uses
have been& you !no that +=8 is the ti"e for that #hange to
happen.
Changing our *ives for the better is not easy& but together e
i** *oo! atH
K 8ays to eGperien#e "ore oy in your *ife
K 8ays to give your *ife "ore purpose and "eaning
K 8ays to "a!e your hopes and ishes be#o"e rea*ity
K 8ays to be#o"e "ore assertive
K 8ays to i"prove se*f#onfiden#e
K 8ays to reprogra""e your thought patterns
K 8ays to dea* ith negative peop*e in your *ife
K 8ays to understand you are responsib*e for your *ife
K 8ays to find -nner 'ea#e
K 8ays to find "ore satisfa#tion& *ove and trust in your *ife
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K 8ays to be "ore sy"patheti# and e"patheti#
K 8ays to better understand yourse*f and others
K 8ays to over#o"e your fears and *ive your *ife "ore
opti"a**y
=f #ourse& so"e areas of se*fi"prove"ent "ay re*ate to you
"ore than others. The !ey is to fo#us on the areas that you
need to or! "ore on& yet at the sa"e ti"e in#orporate a** the
areas into your *ife so that you fee* i"proved in a** aspe#ts of
your daytoday *iving. So"eti"es& things or! ith a !no#!
on effe#tL on#e you !no#! over the first do"ino& they i** a**
topp*e over. -"proving yourse*f is *i!e that. =n#e you
i"prove a #ertain area of your *ife& then the benefits #an a*so
be observed in other areas. -"prove"ents i** fo**o on
natura**y.
+o "atter hat area of your *ife and to hat *eve* you ant to
e"poer and i"prove yourse*f& +=8 is the perfe#t ti"e to
sha!e off the sha#!*es of pro#rastination. Together e #an
*oo! at and or! on #ertain aspe#ts of your *ife& but
u*ti"ate*y& you have the potentia* and poer to be the person
you deserve to be.
- i** a*so present you ith #ase studies so you #an see other peop*e in si"i*ar situations to the ones you find yourse*f in&
and the so*utions they found to over#o"ing any debi*itating
fa#tors in their *ives. - i** a*so give you the psy#ho*ogi#a*
too*s you i** need to enhan#e your *ife and provide you ith
re*evant definitions and uotes to he*p you understand and
i"p*e"ent ne ideas and ne ays of thin!ing.
9verything you read in this boo! is based on fa#ts and!no*edge - have gained over the years or!ing as a
psy#hotherapist using Cognitive M ehaviora* Therapy and an
e#*e#ti# "iG of other s#hoo*s of psy#ho*ogi#a* thought.
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6ina**y& - ou*d *i!e to than! you for reading The Secrets of
Existence and Fulfilment & and - ou*d *i!e to #ongratu*ate you
in finding the #ourage to ta!e the first steps forard in
be#o"ing a better and "ore #ontented You.
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CHAPTER ONE:
FACING YOUR FEARS
IF*$+ n. 1 an unp*easant e"otion #aused by the threat of danger& pain or har". 2 the *i!e*ihood of so"ething
une*#o"e happening. )+ 1 be afraid of. 2 (,*$ ,&$) be
anGious about.J
=
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body to a** intents and purposes are the sa"e. 6or these peop*e
their fears then be#o"e very rea* on every *eve*.
So hat is it that peop*e #an be fearfu* of@
/etFs *oo! at a fe #ase studies and see if you re#ogni,e anyof your fears in the fo**oing s#enarios ;
K Dana is thirtyeight years o*d. She has a good ob in
/ondon& is "arried& has a young daughter and *ives in a ni#e
part of ton. 6ro" the outside& her *ife *oo!s fair*y idy**i# and
troub*e free. So hat is it that Dana is fearfu* of@
I9very day - a!e up and -F" orried that -F" ust not goodenough. 7y ob is so de"anding and draining& that - fear -
i** have a brea!don. - a" orried that -F" not a good
"other. - donFt have any "aterna* fee*ings toards "y #hi*d
and -F" s#ared that - "ight da"age her psy#ho*ogi#a**y in
so"e ay. 7y *ife is not fu*fi**ing "e at a**. - donFt thin! -
*ove "y husband and -F" fearfu* that the "arriage is not
satisfying "e the ay - had hoped it ou*d. - fee* trapped&*one*y and desperate and "ost of the ti"e - a" s#ared that -
"ay do so"ething that - regret. -F" #onstant*y on edge and -
#anFt see a ay forards. *so& on top of everything& "y
fa"i*y *ive abroad and - #onstant*y orry about the" too. -F"
s#ared of *osing "y ob& "y "arriage and "y sanity ;J
DanaFs *ife is ra#!ed ith fear. She is orried and fearfu* in
every situation in her *ife. Can you re*ate to any of the fears
she has@ ere are so"e "ore eGa"p*esH
K 7argaret is siGtyfive years o*d. She is a finan#ia* eGpert in
an internationa* #o"pany in The City of /ondon. She has
or!ed hard a** her *ife and is eGtre"e*y e** respe#ted and
ad"ired in her fie*d. She has "any #*ients& a very good sa*ary&
an apart"ent in the #entre of /ondon and a #ountry house.
8hat #ou*d 7argaret possib*y be fearfu* of@
I- have been a or!aho*i# a** "y *ife. - have or!ed *ong
hours every day and have strived for perfe#tion in hat - do. -
*ive for "y ob and #anFt see a *ife aay fro" "y or!. - have
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pushed "yse*f to be su##essfu*& despite "y fear of being
around peop*e. - dis*i!e pub*i# spea!ing and "eetings; - fee*
as if -F" a*ays being udged by everyone. - de#ided a *ong
ti"e ago that - didnFt ant #hi*dren& hi#h - no deep*y
regret. -n rea*ity& "y fa"i*y is "y ob and or!p*a#e. 7y
husband is very to*erant of "e& but -F" s#ared that deep don&
"y ho"e *ife "ay not be sti"u*ating enough for "e; - have
de#ided to retire& but - ust #anFt bring "yse*f to #ut ba#! on
or!. - dread the idea of stopping or! a*together. 8hat i**
- do if - stop@ o i** - o##upy those e"pty hours@
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sou*"ate out there. - a" s#ared of ending up a*one. - ish
things had been different. 8hy #anFt - find *ove and be in a
nor"a* re*ationship *i!e other peop*e are ;@J
ave you ever fe*t as a*one as 7i#hae* has@ ave you ever ondered if there as so"eone out there in the or*d for you
the sa"e ay that he has@ ave you ever been fearfu* that you
ou*d end up o*d and *one*y& and a** by yourse*f@
efore e *oo! at so"e "ore #ase studies& *et us ta!e a "ore
in depth *oo! at hat Fear is& ith a "ore psy#ho*ogi#a*
definition& together ith te#hniues and too*s to over#o"e its
debi*itating effe#ts.
F*$ n e"otiona* state in the presen#e or anti#ipation of a
dangerous or noGious sti"u*us. 6ear is usua**y #hara#teri,ed
by an interna*& sube#tive eGperien#e of eGtre"e agitation& a
desire to f*ee or to atta#!& and a variety of sy"patheti#
rea#tions. 6ear is often differentiated fro" nGiety on one (or
both) of to groundsH
(a) 6ear is treated as invo*ving spe#ifi# obe#ts or events hi*e
anGiety is regarded as a "ore genera* e"otiona* stateL
(b) 6ear is #onsidered a rea#tion to a present danger& anGiety
to an anti#ipated or i"agined one.
(*so 'hobia& a spe#ifi#& persistent& irrationa* fear).
Di#tionary of 'sy#ho*ogy& 'enguin
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8e**& on#e you be#o"e aare of your negative thin!ing
hi#h *eads to a parti#u*ar e"otiona* disturban#e& be it orry&
anGiety or fear& you #an *earn to "odify your thin!ing by
*oo!ing at the fo**oing psy#ho*ogi#a* pro#eduresH
1. /earn to see that your Beliefs *ead to e"otiona* and
behaviora* onseuences.
2. Che#! that you have a strong "otivation to change your
e"otiona* disturban#es and behaviors hen you rea*i,e the
onseuences.
4.
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I'*#/*. U" &, #'*"
-h*)#&$*. U" &, *%#&/"
-n the sa"e ay you #an eva*uate and test a s#ientifi#
hypothesis& a e*ief #an be verified by eva*uating the avai*ab*e
eviden#e re*ating to that e*ief. 9viden#e #on#erning the
va*idity of your e*ief #an be obtained fro" your !no*edge
and previous eGperien#es (your verba* and i"agina* disputing)
or by a "eans of a behaviora* #he#! *ist (behaviora*
disputing). These strategies #an be used to #ha**enge your inferences about hat has happened in a situation& or to
#ha**enge your evaluations about hat has happened.
( "nferences M a#ts or pro#esses of deriving *ogi#a* #on#*usions
fro" pre"ises !non or assu"ed to be true.
Evaluations M syste"ati# deter"inations of a sube#tFs "erit&
orth and signifi#an#e& using #riteria governed by a set of
standards).
V$*. %h&" &, &#,;#/ ourse*f
ny negative or "a*adaptive thoughts you "ay have #an be
#ha**enged by the "ost usefu* too* to useL Ouestions.
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you "ay find these "ore produ#tive. e*o youF** find so"e
types of uestions that i** he*p you hen you *earn to start
disputing your negative and fearfu* thoughts.
E8hat is the eviden#e that ;@F
Eo #an - find out "ore about ;@F
E8hat "a!es that so bad for "e@F
Eo does it fo**o that ;@F
E8ho #an give "e the infor"ation that - need@F
End if that ere the #ase@F
E8hat is the very orst thing that #ou*d happen ;@F
E8ho says - "ust@F
Eo does that "ean that ;@F
E8hat ou*d it ta!e to #onvin#e "e that ;@F
E8hat does it say about "e if ;@F
E-s that so"ething that - rea**y ant or need@F
E-s there any proof that ;@F
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So for eGa"p*e& if e ta!e the first uestionH E8hat is the
eviden#e that ;@F
8hen you are fearfu*& negative thin!ing starts to ta!e over and
your "ind starts andering and a** your thoughts are gearedtoards past rongs or past hurtsL the negativity *eads you to
start thin!ing in ays you donFt ant to and you "ay start
doing things that #ou*d be per#eived as being paranoid . t
this point& you shou*d start using the uestioning pro#ess.
9Ga"p*eH
-f you have been #heated on in the past& then you "ay be pre
disposed to thin!ing your partners are *i!e*y to #heat on you.
fter a**& the seed has been sown# and you then find yourse*f
*oo!ing for the water (the eviden#e) to feed your doubts and
fears.
Ouestioning 'ro#ess
$%hat is the evidence that my partner is cheating&'
s! the uestion& then *oo! for the eviden#e.
Then #ontinue in this "anner ;
$"s there any proof that my partner is unfaithful&'
s! the uestion& then *oo! for any proof.
$%hat would it ta(e to convince me that my partner lovesme&'
s! the uestion and find the #onfir"ation that you need.
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>ou #an #ontinue ith as "any types of uestions that you
need in order to find )eal *nswers instead of *etting your
i"agination run riot.
-n addition to uestioning& there are a fe other strategies that
you #an use to he*p you eva*uate the eviden#e regarding your
fearfu* be*iefs and the rationa*ity of your negative thin!ing.
These strategies in#*udeH
-nfor"ation M :aining
Use of Co"parisons
Use of u"or