THE PRINCESS COMPENDIUM

written by

COSMO M. SMITH

TO E.S.Enough of a Princess herself

Words cannot express my love for you, but that will never stop me from trying until the day that words

mean nothing at all-Locke Waugh’s ‘The Man Who Lived Forever’

THE MAGIC AND THE STORYTELLER

1. ANGELS

Stories are powerful things. A story can be pretty, or ugly, or both, and many stories

are just as unique as the people who tell them. Stories are fashioned together from

words, like forests are made from trees. The right story can make someone fall in love,

or weep in sadness. I don’t know what kind of story this is. It is a story that is very

rarely ever told and is it very much older than almost any of the bedtime stories that

ever were. This is the story of how magic came into the world. It starts with a

storyteller.

In a land before the time of the Princess and the Warlock, there was a great evil. This

evil would terrify the children in their nightmares and make parents lock their doors

when the shadow of night emerged. The evil was called Listre (when spoken, you

should say it like list-ray) and took the shape of a man though no one was sure

where he had come from or what he actually was. Whispers across tall fences said

that he was the Devil’s afterthought, and some drunken soothsayers liked to say that

he was made from the broken dreams of lost love and unfulfilled dreams, bitter and

angry feelings all put into one creature. Listre soon gained followers for he was not

without inspiring fear and tyranny and fear and tyranny are ways that bullies can

find their thuggish followers. Soon, Listre had taken over the town of Oromore.

Listre enjoyed watching the villagers in terror. He raided every house and took

any treasure he found he liked and he ordered every child to be locked up, for Listre,

having never been a child himself, did not trust them. Listre watched over his new

territory and when he sat on a throne in the old king’s castle, he felt happy being

evil. He was great at it.

Oromore was built into the side of a tall mountain called Dylastabon. On the other

side of Dylastabon sat another town, smaller than Oromore but much prettier and

much happier. This was the kingdom of G’Eshi. The kingdom had heard news of

Listre but they had no real warriors to fight so they were content to simply not cross

Dylastabon for what could they possibly want outside of the kingdom walls? G’Eshi

had pools of red wine, clouds which actually rained candy gumdrops and if you were

rich, you would have a teapot made out of chocolate that wouldn’t melt in which you

would make hot chocolate. However, some people were not rich but were still happy,

without the chocolate teapots. One of these people was Smythe the Storyteller.

Smythe was a street urchin and dressed in a grey coat that nearly touched his

ankles and around his neck was a tie he had borrowed from a passing circus master.

He was a perfectly content boy- for he was a boy and not yet a man, barely nine years

old. In the winter months he would head to the west arm of the kingdom and drink

hot mead and Guinness beer to keep warm while he shovelled candy snow into bags

where it was to be kept in the icy caverns in the castle. Smythe did this with no

grumbling and was indeed a good loyal worker, but what Smythe really liked was the

summer months. In the summer months, Smythe would stand in the sunshine and

clink two spoons together. When he did, the children playing would gather and

Smythe would tell them as many stories as he could, enthralling them with amazing

faraway tales. Where Smythe had learned these tales was never known. All that

anyone really knew was that they could hypnotise someone. When the children had

to go in for suppertime, he would lie under the stars and grin happily.

It was during one of these nights where our story really starts. Smythe was

lying with his coat wrapped around him on the rooftop of a tavern, puffing on a

cigoot (like a cigarette but longer than a cat’s tail) while he watched the stars sparkle

smugly at him, like sprinkles on a cake. The sky was suddenly struck with a

shooting star. When Smythe saw it, he made a wish and watched the shooting star

fall, only it didn’t just wink away like most shooting stars. Instead, it fell into a

paddock and burned brightly.

Smythe didn’t take any time to think. Jumping from the tavern’s rooftop, he

took a red horse and rode that horse into the paddock. It was just outside the

kingdom’s greater North wall and kept ducks but no one minded, for they were the

most dangerous ducks that have ever quaked- they were the Ducks of Alesae, and

they would try and sell you stuff and would not take no for an answer.

“Hello?” Smythe rode quickly into the paddock but the horse was afraid of what was

burning in the crater in the middle of the field, amidst the Alesae nests. Smythe

jumped off his horse and with great care, walked through the smouldering flames

and came to a dent in the earth rather like how a flaming boulder makes a dent in

soft dirt. In the very centre, Smythe found a creature smaller than a baby, smaller

than a fairy. With the utmost care, he picked up the poor thing and placed it into his

palm.

“How may I help you?” Smythe asked. Slowly the creature coughed and sat up.

“Hi” she said. She was white and glowing and had a tiny little handbag, as big

as a doll’s handbag. She was an Angel.

“I’m the storyteller, Smythe”

“I’m Kezia” she said, standing up and fluttering, “and I have a gift for you”

Smythe was confused “I don’t need a gift”

“This isn’t just for you- I was sent by a very special Someone” Kezia smiled,

“and I need you to do something for everyone”

“What is it?”

“You have to stop Listre” said the Angel urgently, “that is your task. Do you

know who Listre is?”

He nodded gravely, “the children whisper his name sometimes as if he can

hear them and will punish them, lock them up with the Oromore babies. They have a

rhyme that they sing whenever there are no grown-ups near”

Take away the light of day

And hide it quick- here comes Listre

Hide under the covers and lock your doors

Remember to stuff the cracks in your floors

Listre moves like the morning mist

Listre’s mouth has never been kissed

Listre is an ugly beast

Hide your eyes from his, at least

Listre speaks such awful things

Listre spits on all the kings

He hurts and yells and screams and stings

And ties you up with scratchy strings

Take away the light of day

Or Listre will take you away

“Why can’t Someone else do it?” Smythe asked but the Angel had taken from her

little bag a small drawstring pouch that was the size of the fingernail on a little pinky

finger and had placed it insider his shirt pocket.

“This Someone works in ways that are…” Keziah flip-flopped her head,

“mysterious, really”

“What did you just give?” the Storyteller asked. Keziah giggled.

“It will help you” Keziah answered, quite mysterious herself, “now go”

“I don’t understand! I’m a storyteller, not a soldier! I can’t do anything!”

Smythe said, very cross with this Angel, “I just have an overactive imagination! What

have you given me in that tiny pouch?”

“You will know what to do when the time comes” Keziah smiled pleasantly and

for a moment, it calmed the Storyteller’s fear, “trust yourself. It must be you”

With that, the Angel winked away out of sight like the shooting star she had

started out as. Smythe put his hands over his eyes, hoping he would wake up from a

dream. Listre was the worst of all men who walked upon the face of the earth and he

could not do it alone. He would need help, and the help would come.

2. ORPHANS

The next day, Smythe got ready to make his way to Oromore to defeat Listre. The

children wept as many tears as they could and the grown-ups shook his hand as

many times as they could. The villagers’ gossip reached the ears of the King who

decreed that Smythe the Storyteller would have everything he could need on his

quest and when Smythe returned, he would get one reward and that reward would

be anything the King could give.

The children were very sad for seeing their storyteller go, for they loved to hear

the stories. The grown-ups were not as sincere. They were glad to humour Smythe

but had little hope that he would succeed, and even less that he might ever return.

They did not want their children to worry so they pretended that Smythe was the

hero who could stop, maybe even kill, the villain that terrorized the other side of the

mountain.

Smythe was given several wineskins, fat with a delicious red wine, and

calabash candy squares, a pastry treat with a recipe long since lost. These were all

thrown on top of a baby Triceratops who Smythe called Roger.

“Goodbye, Smythe the Storyteller!” the grown-ups waved with their children

but when Smythe had gone up the mountain and the children had gone to bed, the

grown-ups then said to themselves “that is the last we shall ever see of him!”

Roger took Smythe up the mountain rather slowly. They rode until nightfall which is

when Smythe decided to stop and camp. He buttoned up his coat and lit a fire to

warm himself up while he slept. While his calabash candy squares were softening up

on sticks on the fire, Smythe told himself a story out of habit about a monster which

hopped from nightmare to nightmare in order to find his home.

The more he talked, the more he noticed a rustling in the bushes.

“…and then the monster was eaten by the child!” Smythe suddenly shouted

and the thing behind one of the bushes made a shriek! He jumped up and pounced

but it wasn’t a woodland imp but a young girl, no more than seven.

“Why were you spying on me?” Smythe asked but the girl punched him in the

face and ran off into the forest. Smythe was confused, but grew more confused when

she returned a moment later with a rusty knife in her hand.

“Tell me what really happens!” the girl demanded.

“What?”

“In the story…” the girl sat down, putting the knife by her side, “what really

happened to the monster?”

So the Storyteller spoke the story and while he did, he kept the fire going and

the girl was enthralled. When he was finished, the girl grinned at the clever ending.

“I thought the monster was silly, letting the townsfolk go!” she piped up.

Smythe poked out his tongue, “well you can tell your own story. I’m Smythe,

the Storyteller, so I’ll tell my stories how I see fit”

“Well I’m Essa, the Orphan, so I’ll listen to what stories I see fit” the girl jutted

out her bottom lip.

“I shall just call you Essa” Smythe ruffled her hair, something that Essa did

not like at all, “do you live in the forest?”

“What’s wrong with it?” Essa poked the fire with a stick, “I happen to rather

like the forest. My tree house is in the woods a bit”

“That’s nice. I live down in G’Eshi” Smythe took a blanket which he shared

with Essa, “I’m off to Oromore”

“Why?” Essa tilted her head, “don’t you know Listre lives there?”

“That’s why I’m going. I’m meant to stop him” and thus, Smythe had to tell

another story, the story of Kezia giving him that task. Essa didn’t like that story as

much as the first one he told.

“Where is the pouch now?” Essa asked. In all of his travel, Smythe had

forgotten about the pouch, the gift the Angel had given him. It was still in his shirt

pocket. Essa took the pouch from Smythe’s pocket and opened it very carefully.

“Seeds?” Essa was disappointed, expecting something more dangerous or

exciting. Smythe was almost embarrassed. They were like grape seeds but each seed

was red on one end and blue on the other end. Essa took one from the pouch and

flicked it away.

As Smythe placed the pouch back into his shirt pocket, Essa said “would you

like me to sing you a bedtime song?”

So as Smythe went to sleep, Essa sang a lullaby she had once been sung by

her mother.

Sleep now little soldier; tomorrow waits for you

When you are wide awake, you’ll have such things to do

But for now, rest your head, let your troubles go

They’ll melt away- one by one- above, between, below

Long days are far too long, you need to have your rest

The dreams you’ll have will make you glad; you’ll be very best

Your blankets warm, your pillow’s soft just like a lion’s mane

You’ll doze away and close your eyes and sleep once again

When Smythe fell asleep (Essa quickly did the same), they did not see what

happened to the seed Essa had flicked away. The seed did not just fall to the ground.

Neither of them could have known what Kezia had given them. That seed was a

magic seed and it kept flying up into the sky. It landed on a ground very different

than ours and it spread a light over the surface. That seed had landed on the moon

and it was the seed in which moonlight came about.

The next day was bright and sunny. After stretching and yawning, Smythe got on the

saddle on Roger, ready to ride again, but this time, there was another passenger.

“You are not coming with me”

“Try and stop me” Essa smiled. Roger, unsure of what else to do, just keep

trodding on. They had moved on until midday when they came across the pixies of

the mountain having a party.

Pixies are mischievous creatures who live in little gingerbread houses because

that way they don’t have to have pantries. Instead, they just eat the furniture and

then the foundation, and then they move house. They have skin as pink as a clean

pig and about as big as a newborn baby when they are at their tallest and dress in

cloth woven from Hakataka trees. Like their sisters, the fairies, they have wings but

they cannot fly very far and so are mainly used for decoration. Pixie Women are very

adept at piercing their wings like humans pierce their ears, and attaching sparkling

things like colourful seashells or broken stained glass. Pixie Men do not usually

pierce their wings but instead they paint them like a man might dye his hair into

streaks. However, whenever confronted by an pixie, it is the nose you will always

notice first. Pixies have long hook-like noses which curl like springs and they often

put it where it doesn’t belong.

3. PIXIES

The pixies were celebrating a marriage. Pixie marriages are not common for pixies so

delight in causing pranks and enjoy snippy comments so fellow pixies do not

generally like one another. For two pixies to fall in love, they must be very much

infatuated with each other for they must be able to put up with their spouse’s crazy

ways. Heyena Bingot and Fraunman Shchutsky were in love and that was when they

became Heyena Bingsky and Fraunman Bingsky (when married, each will take a

syllable of the other’s surname. They find the human practise of the wife taking the

husband’s surname to be completely unfair and tell mean jokes in the pub about it).

It was just as the Bingskys had left on an eagle, off to their honeymoon on the Isle of

Love Songs, that Smythe the Storyteller and Essa the Orphan arrived on their

Triceratops, Roger.

The pixies swarmed around Roger but they did not recognize Smythe as he

had not visited them in a very long time. When he was very small, he had

accidentally wandered up the mountain and the Pixies had taunted and mocked him,

a toddler, and it was here that Smythe learned that words and ideas could change

the world.

“Greetings!” said the Emperor of the Pixies, a massively round Pixie whose

belly bounced as he walked, “I am Goblomov, the Pixie Emperor”

“I am Essa” the Orphan bowed, a tricky thing to do when the person you are

bowing to is only as tall as your thigh.

“I am…” Smythe was hesitant to give his real name in case the pixies

remembered him from long ago, “Waugh, the Storyteller”

“Waugh, Sore, Pour, Whore, Bore!” one of the Pixie children said, rhyming

Waugh with other words he thought to be funny.

Goblomov snickered, “what sort of a name is Waugh?”

“Well” Smythe shrugged, giving Essa a look not to give the game away, “it’s a

very common one. ‘Let’s all go to Waugh with our neighbours!’, ‘At dawn we go to

Waugh!’, ‘All is fair in love and Waugh!’, that sort of thing”

Goblomov raised an eyebrow at this, “I see. What are you doing here?”

Smythe gave Essa another look to keep up his masquerade, “we are delivering

this bunch of seeds to Oromore where they will make the most delicious seedcake

from it” and he held up the pouch from his shirt pocket.

“What a funny giant he is” a Pixie woman snorted derisively, “make him do

something. I’m bored of him now”

“What can you do?” Goblomov poked Smythe in the sole of his boot, “we want

entertainment from you”

“Tell them a story” Essa said to Smythe, “go on”

Smythe drew a deep breath, sighed once, and then took his box of matches to

light a cigeroot. Once he was puffing away sweetly, he began his tale. This was a love

story about two youngsters who met at a costume party and were destined to be with

each other for the rest of their lives, but their families hated each other and viciously

fought against them. When Smythe had gotten to the end of his cigeroot, he had

ended his story with the two youngsters tragically killing themselves because they

each believed that the other had died and that they could not bear to lead a life

alone.

“That was…” the Pixie woman who had called Smythe a ‘funny giant’ now had

a tear falling down her cheek, as if it was escaping the sadness in her mind.

“Feast!” Goblomov shook himself free of the impact of the story, “for a reward

for such a beautiful story!”

Pixies like one thing more than mischief and that is food. For the most part,

pixies are skinny creatures unless, like Goblomov, they stuff their faces constantly.

They are experts in preparing food too. As Smythe and Essa sat, the party for the

wedding turned to a party for the Storyteller and great trays were piled up high with

Arastaden croissants, Nickleberry crumpets, Gicklejick toast and chicken rolls (the

most special delicacy of them all was, of course, the chicken rolls. It’s very difficult to

farm a chicken when you’re barely bigger than one).

When they were all fed and watered, the pixies, Smythe and Essa all found soft

patches of grass to nap on, sozzled by such a feast.

“Smythe?” Essa turned to look at the storyteller, “can I ask you a question?”

“No” Smythe turned his back to Essa and fell asleep in the afternoon sun.

While they were napping, the pixies had woken up and Goblomov, being especially

stupid in his greed, crept over to Smythe and with great delicacy, stole the pouch

that sat in his shirt pocket. As soon as he had done that, the other pixies stole away

into the forest, covering their mouths to try and stifle their cackles. When they were

safely out of sight, one of their musicians came up with what he thought was a witty

little song.

Ugly giants! Do them in!

Boil them up and break their skin!

Oh, it is so vile a sin

For me to have such a grin!

When he wakes, he will be mad!

The stupid oaf, the brutish lad!

And, if I might rightly add

He will be ticked! Ha! Egad!

What they didn’t know was that Smythe had removed the seeds much earlier

into his coat pocket and replaced the seeds with the heads of his matches. Later,

when Goblomov tried one of these seeds, he began choking on it and died which

served him right for stealing in the first place.

When Smythe awoke, he felt that the pouch was gone from his shirt pocket and that

the seeds were still in his coat pocket. He smiled knowingly but daren’t tell Essa

what he had done. There was still a little daylight left to travel so they got Roger to

wake up before moving on a bit more.

As they moved past the middle of the mountain, they began to get very cold for

it was snowy and though Roger was cold-blooded and did not mind the freezing air,

Essa and Smythe were chattering their teeth. Smythe gave Essa his coat as she had

no better than rags but even this did not seem to help much. When the snow started

falling, Smythe was starting to get quite worried. It nipped at his fingertips and his

cheeks like the nips of fingertips but soon he could not feel his cheeks or fingers at

all. He could barely even keep his eyelids from falling over his eyes.

It was Smythe who fell asleep first in the cold blizzard, for Essa had his thick

overcoat. Then she too succumbed to the frosty bite of the snow, and finally, Roger

too. The three sat in the snow as it covered them, like scratches in a plank of wood

being painted over.

4. MERMAIDS

Smythe and Essa awoke covered in blankets next to a fire. The walls were cold to

touch and they all sloped inwards, like a cone. They were in one single room and

they couldn’t see a door.

“Are you okay?” Smythe asked Essa. She nodded but was still unsure of what

was happening. They warmed themselves by the fire, unsure of what was happening.

The last thing that either of our heroes remembered was falling asleep in the snowy

mountain.

“What was the question you wanted to ask me before?” the boy asked the girl

in the ice room.

Essa shrugged, it seemed unimportant after nearly freezing to death, “when

you saw that shooting star, what did you wish for?”

Smythe would have blushed if he had enough warm blood in his face. He

looked at Essa the Orphan, and in his eyes, she was the prettiest girl in the world.

Before Smythe could answer properly, a great thumping footsteps began to

echo in the snow. A great giant with white fur and long claws entered through a

tunnel. Essa, nor Smythe, knew what it was but when it spoke, it spoke in a faint

whisper.

“Hello”

“Hi” Smythe said rather nervously, “I’m Smythe the Storyteller, and this is my

companion Essa. What- who are you?”

“I am Tybalt” said the giant, “and I am the last of the Yeti. This is my igloo

where I live. When I found you, you were nearly frozen to death so I brought you

here”

“Where’s Roger?” Essa asked, shivering slightly.

“Your dinosaur is safe” Tybalt took a large curvy potion bottle from underneath

the snow, “I have covered him in warm snow and he’s resting outside of the igloo

now”

The Yeti poured some of the potion into two cups for his guests, “this will stop

you from getting sick from the cold”

When Smythe drank the potion, it tasted of sweet apples and made his tummy

feel warm and happy.

“Thank you for saving us” Smythe asked, “it was very kind of you to do that”

The Yeti was almost puzzled by the thanks, “people should always be kind”

“Where are the other Yeti?” Essa asked, stretching her legs.

“Dead” Tybalt gravely answered, “Listre killed them all, massacred them when

they wouldn’t bow to him. I only escaped because my herd had left me behind in the

mountain. I was too slow to keep up with them and if I had, I would be dead too”

“I’m sorry” Essa took her hand and placed it over Tybalt’s hand but her hand

was three times smaller.

“We’ve come to stop Listre” Smythe said, “we’re on a mission from an Angel”

Smythe told Tybalt what Kezia had told him. Tybalt just laughed, shaking his

head and stroking his bushy beard. He was a magnificent sight to behold and a Yeti’s

laugh is a fearful sound.

“It can’t be done!” Tybalt cried, “Oromore is over the next path. The whole town

is surrounded by a lake which is guarded by Mermaids which bewitch men with their

beauty and then drown them, eating their flesh in the depths of the water. If you

make it past them, you’d have to face the Charybdis, and then the Hydra, a monster

which has many heads. If you managed to defeat them, you would have to fight the

fire dragons which guard Listre’s castle and then pierce the armour Listre wears

which is made from Demon scales. Your Angel brought you a bag of seed? Are you

really expecting to champion this villain?”

Smythe smiled sweetly, “I have to try”

“I think I can help then” Tybalt nodded, rubbing his palms together.

They rested, anxious about their next step of the journey. Tybalt didn’t have much

food but he offered what he could- ice cream, frosted berries and sorbet. When night

came, Tybalt went out to find more wood. As Essa slept cosily by the fire, Smythe

came outside to see Roger. He found that it had stopped snowing and there was a

sky so clear and full of stars that it seemed to be almost as bright as day. He saw a

shooting star and this time, Smythe only wished for a happy ending that he might

deserve. He was scared, for there is no shame in being scared. He had courage too,

and there was something very noble about that.

The morning came and it was a cloudy morning indeed. Smythe and Essa left

the igloo to find that Tybalt had found swords for each of them. They were made of a

very light supple metal so that the two could wield them. Tybalt waved them goodbye

as they headed with Roger to Oromore.

When they reached Oromore, they found that they could not take Roger along

with them for Oromore does not simply have walls around the kingdom but a deep

moat that could only be crossed through small boats. No boat moored on the bank

could take Roger’s weight so the two had to leave him behind but promised to return

for him soon as they could. Smythe got into a dinghy and helped Essa in.

“Pass me those oars” Smythe asked and began rowing across the water. When

they were halfway across, the two heard something singing. Though it made Smythe

happy, it also made his hair at the back of his neck stand up.

“Mermaids!” Smythe paused rowing, “we’re in Mermaid waters”

Essa could see them swimming just under the water. Without a second

thought, she tore a strip of cloth from her ragged dress and blindfolded Essa’s eyes.

Though the Mermaids poked their heads from the surface of the water, Smythe could

not fall for their bewitching looks.

“Keep rowing” Essa said to the Storyteller, and he did. The Mermaids dared not

topple the boat themselves for they never had to do anything more than sing to their

victims and lure them from the boats themselves. When they had reached the other

side, Essa helped the Storyteller out of the boat and into Oromore.

Oromore was a town that was built from bluestone. It was neat and tidy but

Smythe and Essa could not see anyone walking around the streets for they were as

empty as a fool’s brain. Not a minister, or child, or miserable cutthroat could be

found.

“Smythe” Essa nudged her friend but he had already noticed. Wherever they

walked, they could see curtains twitching from windows where people watched them.

“Something’s scaring them” Smythe said, “and we’re about to find out”

The sounds of many beasts with large hooves beating the pavement began to

get nearer to Smythe. In a flash, he had scooped up the seeds from his pocket and

hid them under his tongue just in time. Guards approached, wearing dark plates for

armour rode hydras, four-legged snake-like beasts with three heads slithering from

one neck. There was an army of them coming to surround Smythe and Essa on every

side.

“Who are you?” their leader growled.

“Smythe the Storyteller and Essa the Orphan” Essa smiled. This made the

guards even more suspicious and annoyed which made Essa smile more.

The guard leader flinched slightly, “what do you want?”

“Nothing” Essa shrugged, knowing it would annoy the guard further. Essa and

Smythe were handcuffed with iron shackles and told to march all the way into a

looming castle where they were locked up in a dungeon, awaiting to meet Listre. The

dungeon was damp and dusty and the blue dust got on Smythe’s coat.

“Your coat looks blue, not grey” Essa commented while she tried to wiggle out

of her handcuffs.

Smythe was depressed. He didn’t know what to do or why he had been chosen

to fight Listre or if he would live to fight another day. Essa could see his distress and

tried to take his mind off of things.

“You never did tell me what you wished for with that shooting star” Essa

nudged Smythe in his ribs with her elbow, “you can tell me now”

Smythe smiled meekly, “I wished for somebody to love”

Essa tried to scratch her nose with handcuffs, “think you’ll find her?”

Smythe stayed quiet and content knowing the answer to that question already.

5. MAGIC

Where Listre came from, no one has ever found out. He walked into town one day

and began to hurt and terrorize and frighten. Eventually, he took the Oromore

Fortress and watched over his land jealously, making sure only he could speak his

mind. No will should ever exist if it was not Listre’s will, no voice should speak except

to Listre. No stranger would ever visit Oromore and it was accepted that so long as

Listre did not try to take over anything outside of the town then no one would try to

send anyone in.

Listre was still a very paranoid thing. He kidnapped soothsayers, the future-

tongues, and the fortune tellers and he kept them all hidden in the castle, expecting

news of any champion to defeat him in battle. No one ever knew if Listre could be

slain, not even Listre himself. He was guarded in a suit of armour that no sword

could pierce, and never ate or drank anything that his chefs did not taste before his

very eyes for fear of poison. He slept alone in a locked room in the highest tower for

fear of his throat being slit in his slumber.

The day that Listre spoke his last words, two strangers arrived. Listre had

ordered all strangers to be imprisoned in the dungeon until he could talk to them, for

he needed to know how strangers entered his secure grounds. When Listre had

entered the fortress’s court, he ordered for the prisoners to be brought in front of

him. The guards bowed to him very low with solemn faces plastered on their faces- if

Listre even suspected that you were insincere, he would execute you.

“Hello” Essa the Orphan and Smythe the Storyteller were brought in, their

wrists shackled with iron, their backs watched by guards with long swords, “how are

you?”

Listre opened his mouth and spoke in a dry, raspy voice, “who are you?”

“I am Essa and this is Smythe” Essa said, looking at Smythe who was

strangely quiet.

“How did you get in?” Listre demanded, taking a dagger from his belt and

played with it rather threateningly in his hands, “tell me or I’ll cut out your tongue!

What are you?”

“I’m an Orphan”

“I don’t think you understand” Listre scratched an itch on his chin with the

blade of his dagger, “I am Listre. Are you not afraid of me?”

“I’m not a soldier” Smythe finally spoke, “why would I be afraid of you? I am

not a man of war. I’m a storyteller”

When he spoke, he sounded rather strange. Listre shook it off and smacked

Smythe with his fist for his cheek.

“Why did you come here?” Listre breathed down Smythe’s neck, “tell me that

story”

Smythe finally realized what had happened. Why Kezia had chosen him to stop

Listre’s reign suddenly became clear.

“Well?” Listre squinted, his dagger now pressed against Smythe’s neck and so

Smythe spoke, the magic seeds still under Smythe’s tongue. As Smythe told his

story, the words came alive and the story filled the room. They took Listre and as

Smythe focused, he found he could trap Listre into the story. The story took a life of

its own and to this day, Listre still lives in that story, forever encased in those magic

words.

When the scout of G’Eshi ran to the King and said that Smythe the Storyteller had

returned with Roger, the King could hardly believe it. He ordered for the entire

kingdom to come and see the return of what had become their most powerful son.

“Welcome home” the King ran to shake hands with Smythe, “you have

returned!”

“I have, and I was successful” Smythe said, “no one will ever hear from Listre

again”

Though there was great cheering over this, there were also great whisperings

about this for no one could think of how a simple storyteller could accomplish a task

that lords and masters had failed.

In Smythe’s coat, blue from the dust in Listre’s dungeon, there was a hidden

pocket and in that pocket were the seeds which Smythe had spit out after Listre had

been trapped. There was one seed missing, a seed that he had accidentally

swallowed. Smythe said nothing of these seeds however, and brought Essa to the

King.

“Your Highness, you said that on my return, I could have one wish from you

and whatever that wish was, you would grant it” Smythe reminded his king, “this is

Essa, the Orphan. I do not want her to be an orphan any more. I want you to take

care of her, for I must go on a quest and it’s going to take some time”

“You’re leaving?” Essa whimpered, but Smythe smiled and held her fondly.

“I will return for you one day” Smythe said and he kept his word, for Smythe’s

words suddenly had a great more deal of power.

When Smythe went away, the King gladly took Essa into his castle. She was given

royalty, dressed in pretty dresses and kept in luxury. The King even thought of her as

his own daughter, and as you’ve probably guessed, Essa the Orphan stopped being

called that and was called the Princess. Smythe the Storyteller travelled, planting the

seeds of magic to blossom around the world, learning about magic. When Smythe

returned, his legend preceded him and he was called the Warlock.

The Warlock never stopped telling stories, for he had learnt of the power a

story can hold over someone. One day, if you are very lucky, and the Warlock loves

you very much, he may tell you one of his stories.

A POEM FOR HER

The Warlock sat in his tower, writing prose poetry to please the delightful Princess,

for the memory of her smile coursed warmth into his every vein. He pondered about

the right words he might load into such a magazine. Have you ever felt like the world

was ending because a girl walked out of the room?

The Warlock loved words. Their shape, their feel, he was delighted by their

touch. With love in his heart, he resolved only to pick the very finest words for Her

Royal Highness. He polished each one and lashed them together but he was never

pleased with project. It did not please him. Poetry was not his métier.

So he chose the words that would last forever. He wanted nice words for the

Princess. He chose the words that made him smile forever and a day. The Princess

had them over a goblet of wine. The Warlock sweat blood and tears, his magic

drained from such a task.

The Princess took these words from their platter. She read in silence and

smiled. When she did, her face shone bright. At that moment, she was the kind of

girl that songs are written about and wind and tides bow to. When she read, she

smiled.

And so did the Warlock.

THE DRAGON AND THE CAVE

In a time before things were sensible, there was the Princess who was always loved

and very silly. She was the most beautiful and funny girl in all the land and lived in a

castle. The castle had one room simply for holding bottles of liquids called 'a bar'.

On the day before the Princess was to go on her magical quest, she went to the

bar with her companion Vodka.

While they sipped white wine and watched the birds fly southwards, they

heard a noise coming from the floor. This was impossible because the bar was below

even the dungeon in the lowest part of the castle.

The Princess and Vodka scoured the floor until they found a loose tile. When

they pried it off the floor they found a very large tunnel carved out which was lit with

candles which burnt in every kind of colour there ever was, and some colours that

there never were

Grabbing their swords and cloaks, they descended into this tunnel. They

weren't frightened by the rats, or the cockroaches, or the redheads that scurried in

the ground

When they had walked for ten minutes worth of an hour, they found an enormous

cavern, of which fifty castles could easily have been fit into. Looking upwards, the

Princess saw that the roof was made of ice and that they must be underneath the

Eternally Frozen Field of Rioting Taverns. The light hit the ice and sparkled the whole

cavern a ghostly blue.

"Observe, Princess!" cried Vodka, for she had spotted a large rope ladder for them to

make their climb down. As they climbed, they saw the shadows of the ships which

glided across the icy lake which made the ceiling.

Though they were in an icy cavern, the two had unbuttoned their cloaks by the

time they had reached the ground for it was very hot. They found out when they

reached the ground why this was

It was an enormous dragon sleeping, his wings folded around him snugly. He

had shiny red scales and puffed smoke from his nostrils the size of air vents. He was

shackled to the ground with giant manacles forged from the heat of a pizza oven.

Dragons, as is well known, have terrific hearing and the Princess, while

beautiful, was not very coordinated and her footsteps soon roused him from his great

slumber.

"Who goes there?" he cried, spitting out giant comets of burning ember, "and

have you brought me anything to eat?"

Though Vodka offered up the Princess as cowardly as she was (dragons tend to

have this effect on people), the dragon laughed.

"I am a Fire Dragon!" he roared, shaking the ground beneath their feet, "I only

eat apple pies!"

"Apple pies?" the Princess repeated, confused

"I meant to say Nitrogen. I always get those two confused"

They had no Nitrogen but they promised that if they returned with some, that

the dragon should spare them from being burnt to a crisp. As they rested, the dragon

explained why he was shackled.

"I was once a great flying beast. That is why I was called Karl!"

Karl tried to flap his mighty wings but they were burled up with ropes that had

been stitched together in the heat of a pizza oven.

"I was tricked to come here, long before you, Princess, were ever born! It was

decreed that I had flown into too many towers and crash-landed, squashing too

many cattle to be allowed to roam free. They threw in every box of Nitrogen they

could find into this cavern and then they used magic to build an icy lake on top of it"

"Because dragons are almost immortal, they are very wise. The King decided to

build a bar with a tunnel under it so that after he had consumed much wine he

could have long conversations with me about the state of affairs and the meaning of

life, bizarre sh*t like that. Y'know what I mean"

The Princess pondered for a solution and happened across a very happy one. She

sent for the Warlock who magicked himself into the cavern, sensing her wish. The

Princess whispered into his ear what sort of enchantment he must pull off.

The Warlock raised his wand and said the magic words, which to this day are

known only by the British Prime Minister, for reasons of which have been lost in time

For a moment, the Dragon thought that the world was suddenly becoming

much larger. His shackles seemed to grow so large that he easily slipped out of him

and the ropes around his wings fell off.

It took him almost a minute to realize that it was he who was shrinking.

"What are you doing?" Karl growled but before he could get an answer, the

Warlock had put away his wand. Karl had become just about the size of a fully-grown

horse or a very baby giraffe.

The Princess explained with one of those smiles which made men faint at the

sight of her, "now you can fly around and cause no damage"

With another spell, the Warlock opened a piece of the icy lake so that Karl

could fly away. Karl loved to fly and the Princess loved to make people happy.

"But what shall we do with this enormous cavern?" Vodka asked.

So from then on, whenever they were feeling bored or fed up with life, or whenever

they just felt like getting away from it all, the Princess and the Warlock stole away

from the kingdom and played in the cavern.

THE WITCH AND THE WARLOCK

1. THE UNDERWORLD

O help me Muse. Please give me the strength to tell me that story of the girl who was

so brave that she had the courage to rescue her friends from the Witch of the

Underworld, a wicked wench so woeful that she sought to steal the friends of the most

beautiful lass in all the cosmos. Tell me that tale of ingenuity and loyalty, where

cleverness was victorious and the odds became even. In the land before people spoiled

the seeds of magic with their cynical words, there once lived a Princess…

Smythe the Storyteller traveled the world in his youth, planting the seeds of magic

across kingdoms of fire and rivers of song. He rode the Jiufeng across the East,

learning from the Oriental gardeners how to plant and sprout these seeds. Smythe

was taken across the desert planes of the Wild West, on wagons that were pulled by

the mightiest stallions to have ever galloped the earth. It was here that he was given

the title of ‘the Warlock’. The Warlock traveled up North on the backs of the Dimple-

Pink Polar Bears who told him jokes and caught him fish to eat. In the Northern

reaches, he received a very queer smoking pipe that had been whittled by the finest

woodcarvers of all time.

When the Warlock had to go South into the Underworld, the great foulness

where Evil bathes in filth and breeds the most terrible things. The Warlock buttoned

his blue overcoat to his chin and found two sisters protecting the peace of the

Kingdom of Hell. These sisters were Witches. A Witch will always be a woman. No one

is quite sure why. As dwarves, ghouls, gnomes, agogwes and bunyips are always

male, a Witch is always female.

The Carabosse was the younger sister and beautiful. She was thin and had

long shiny hair and had a pleasant face, except for where most people had eyes, she

had spheres made from rubies. The curious fact about these rubies is that they

would change with the Carabosse’s mood. When she was happy, the rubies would

glisten and sparkle to match her emotions. When the Carabosse was tired, the rubies

took on a dull gleam to them. When the Carabosse flew into a rage, the rubies would

dance with a fierce glimmer which seemed to pierce the souls of anyone who looked

into them.

This is why the Warlock decided that the seeds of magic should go to the

Beldam, the Carabosse’s older sister by seven years. The Beldam was fat, and had a

shriveled face rather like that of a prune and wore very plain and tweedy clothes.

Despite this, she was never considered sinister because she had the warmest and

kindest blue eyes that anyone had ever seen. They mellowed out any arguments just

be looking. The Warlock saw how kind the Beldam was as a ruler and gave her the

seeds of magic which thrived and rooted into Hell.

For threescore year and ten, the land of Hell was a happy place. The Beldam

and Carabosse both helped tend to the needs of the people, but the Carabosse soon

grew jealous of how the Beldam was such a good mother of the land. The dwarves

carved new tunnels for the hot landscape, whistling happily as they did so, basilisks

scuttled about more politely and more of the Death Homunculus tribes began to act

more respectful around the city guards. The Carabosse poisoned some brew for the

Beldam, slipping hemlock into her chocolate teapot after one last supper.

After the Carabosse had taken control from the cold fingers of her sister, she

tried to reshape Hell to match her own wishes. The kingdom turned to ruin and

withered into a lifeless wasteland, for the Carabosse had missed that while the

Beldam had inspired fear, she had also inspired love, to her subjects. Friendless, the

Carabosse turned into a tyrant and watched the world above, for the earth was a

heaven to hell. With one ear, she listened carefully for any sign of the Warlock who

might have the right words for her. As the days passed, the Carabosse grew even

more beautiful while she became the greatest monster of all.

The Princess was celebrating for the crops of Cheerful Temper had been sown and it

was the start of the holiday break, where no work had to be seen to, only the sunny

beaches needed to be occupied. Since it was such a successful season, the Princess

of G’Eshi had decided that it must be a glorious party, with lots of drunken dancing

and bad karaoke. She had taken cases of wine down into a secret cavern underneath

the castle and invited her friends to join her. She got in with her handmaid Vodka so

that they could decorate and having borrowed the Warlock’s magic wand, she was

able to lavishly furnish the cavern. There were balloons which not only floated but

were full of a special sort of gas which changed colours every few seconds and glowed

brightly enough that there were no need for candles. The town craftswomen had

sewn together great streamers which the Princess had enchanted to slither around

the ceiling as supple as a gymnast’s ribbon. Finally, there were many buckets full of

Scrumpy from the town well which had been charmed to be yummy.

When the sun settled behind the tall mountain of Dylastabon, some people

went to sleep so that they could play in their dreams, some stayed awake to get some

reading done, but a select number from the kingdom snuck through the village in

order to join the Princess. They each entered through a small trapdoor just below the

castle’s playground. As the Princess was finished making mugs for the ale which

sparkled whenever they were drank from, there was a tap-tap-tapping on the

trapdoor, the sound of some sharp knuckles knocking.

“Howdy” the Warlock climbed down into the cavern with a big box covered in

red cellophane, “I have brought you a present to match your hair. I had it brought all

the way from Nobody-Nowhere to have it weaved and I hope you like it”

The Princess took the gift and opened it. Inside was a very long silver cape and

hood. The Warlock helped her get it on and fixed the brooch around her neck.

“But it doesn’t match my hair” the Princess said, admiring it all the same from

the reflection of a tall icicle, “but it’s nice though”

“Whisper a colour into the brooch” the Warlock poured himself some ale,

smugly watching his beloved take his suggestion. The Princess took the brooch on

the cape and she spoke into the cool metal plate softly. The silver of the cape melted

away and shimmered bright yellow.

“I thought you might like it” the Warlock smiled. The Princess was about to

answer him when there was another tap-tap-tapping at the trapdoor. This was from

the sound of a very thin walking cane being banged against the door.

“Enchanté” in fell Lady Carlotta, the Tailor. Lady Carlotta was a long-suffering

friend of the Princess, always making her new dresses, skirts, hats, ear muffs and

slippers. Carlotta had put on her best party dress, only slightly splattered with rum

and gypsy tears.

“How do you do today?” the Princess gave Carlotta a kiss, something that

made the Warlock extremely jealous. Carlotta put down her walking stick and

reached into her satchel, producing a pair of boots for the Princess that were as

purple as the grapes used to make the castle wine.

“I love them” the Princess tucked the laces under her feet rather than tie them

up. She was then summoned to the trapdoor for her next guest. This time, it

sounded more like a hoof pounding against the wood. When the Princess opened the

trapdoor, a dragon head poked in, smoke pouring from his nostrils and his big, soft

eyes blinking to adjust to the light.

“Good afternoon” Karl growled as nicely as he could as he squeezed himself

through the trapdoor. After much pulling of his scaly neck and scraping of the wings,

the Princess was just able to pull in her favourite dragon friend.

“Do you have any-?” Karl began but the Princess had anticipated his request

and specifically gotten Vodka to fetch six canisters of liquid Nitrogen for him. Karl

happily began to gorge himself while the Warlock chuckled softly as he heard a joke

from Carlotta. The Princess changed the colour of her silky cape from yellow to sky

blue, so to match the headband on Carlotta’s head and the overcoat over the

Warlock’s shoulders.

“So, what have we all been up to?” the Princess asked. The Warlock took a

ukulele from his coat and proudly tuned it.

“I’ve been practicing” the Warlock offered to pluck a tune but the trapdoor

once again tap-tap-tapped. This time, it was from the flat foot of a wise woman.

“Yowzah” dropped in Elder Detta, who did not look at all old. In fact, she only

looked to be barely more than a young lass but in actuality, she had drunk from the

Yddrstyng Waterfall at a time before fire had been discovered, and so from that

moment on, had aged only a second for each day had passed.

As Elder Detta was the final guest, the party began. Much drinking and games

ensued, and indeed many drinking games were played. After everyone had taken in

their fill of fun, the party sat in a circle and the Warlock played a song that he had

composed himself.

O, dear Princess- we dearly love you, you’re such a silly hoot

Thank you very much for inviting us all around

To your hidden ol’ playroom that’s situated underground

O dear Princess- we dearly love you, you are so very cute

You’re our precious little dolly, and we played all of your games

And this is from a Warlock, a Dragon, a Tailor and an elderly Dame

The Queen of Hearts is jealous of you, for you’re kinder and much more

pleasant to everybody, especially me

As a lake might reflect the blue sky, you seem to mirror Nature herself in all of

her beauty

O dear Princess- life can be tricky for all of us without you

You’re pretty much the reason that I bother getting out of bed every day

So try to put up with our shenanigans and please promise to stay

O dear Princess- just promise us that whatever happens, you’ll do

Whatever makes you happy and whatever makes you laugh

I’ll try my best to be with you forever, because you are completely daft

It was the sound of this song that slipped through the cracks in the cavern floor and

fell to the ears of the Carabosse. The Carabosse drew herself to the cavern, appearing

in a pink flash, narrowing her ruby eyes on the Princess. The Carabosse had grown

jealous of how many friends the Princess had, and how they all liked her much more

than anyone had ever liked the Carabosse.

“Who are you?” the Princess demanded, drawing a dagger from her belt, as the

Carabosse brought three small girls in gingham from under the hem of her dress.

One was blonde, one brunette and one was a redhead.

“I’m your worst nightmare” the Carabosse smiled wickedly, and these three

small girls she had brought had taken her friends. The blonde had grabbed the

Warlock, the brunette had grabbed Karl and the redhead had taken Lady Carlotta

and Elder Detta.

“Wait!” the Princess cried but in another pink flash, the Carabosse had

vanished but she hadn’t left on her own. The three girls, the Warlock, Karl, Lady

Carlotta and Elder Detta had also vanished leaving the Princess all alone.

2. THE VILLAGE OF THE CATS

The Underworld is a humid place. It is made entirely of stone, and no trees grow

green, for fire spits from cracks in the ground. Hades, Yama and Nergal take care of

this Hell, for it is not so bad really, for those who inhabit it. Dwarves are the main

workers, for they are stout fellows who do not mind the heat or the green trees, for

they are creatures of tunnels and dirt. They have bushy beards and big eyes, with

sharp claws for clawing out huge chunks of rock as easily as a spade goes through

sand.

It was here that the Carabosse had taken the Princess’s friends, spiriting them

to her fortress in the heart of the Underworld. Behind the walls of the impressive

fortress, it was icy cold and the inner palace was made entirely from a glacier that

had been hollowed out. The Carabosse apported into the palace’s main court with

her daughters and prisoners.

“Take them away” the Carabosse ordered the blonde, the brunette and the

redhead, “and hide them where no one from the Above-Land would ever find them,

but leave the Warlock with me”

These three girls, although not very big, were very strong. They dragged Karl

the Dragon, Carlotta, the Tailor and Elder Detta away to places that were very hard

to find. The Carabosse hung up the leather cloak from around her neck and hung it

very carefully on a coat-stand that was made from a petrified ogre. She was very

careful with the cloak, for it had belonged to the Beldam and contained the vestige in

which she could channel her magic, much like the wand of the Warlock.

“So…” the Carabosse said to the Warlock who stood perfectly still. The Witch

circled the Warlock suspiciously, like two cats meeting each other.

“Nothing to say? It’s been such a long time since we last met” the Carabosse

dared not blink but it didn’t even seem to phase her guest. The Warlock remained as

mute as a stone but took his smoking pipe from his coat and a match which he lit

against the sole of his boot. He sucked in the flame and glared at the Carabosse, but

said not a word.

“Where’s your magic wand?” the captor asked her captive, “I demand that you

empty your pockets!”

The Warlock raised an eyebrow but complied. He moved over to a table made

of ice and coolly emptied the contents of his pockets. A brass pocket watch, a pen-

knife, a ukulele and harmonica, two books of matches, a pouch of tobacco, a hipflask

of Scrumpy, a salt-and-pepper shaker, a paperback novel, a toothbrush, a trowel, a

letter from the Princess which he always kept with him, a handkerchief that had

been monogrammed ‘LW’, a coil of string, a few silver doubloons, a bottle-opener

made of solid gold and a daisy-chain fell onto the table for inspection, but nowhere

was there a magic wand. The Carabosse checked every pocket of the Warlock but

found nothing.

The Warlock smiled at the Carabosse, his lips together and turned up, smoke

puffing from his nose like Karl’s nose. It was eerie, for the Carabosse had always

found the Warlock to be a chatty fellow, always being talkative and good with words.

His silence unnerved her so she took him by the arm and locked him in her study.

Meanwhile, the Princess was beside herself in the cavern, with no friends, indeed no

one at all, to console her. She had no idea who had kidnapped her friends or how to

find them. With her new cape wrapped around her, she began to cry all alone. Her

head sank low and tears began to fall freely.

“…Princess…”

The Princess bolted her head up and looked around but she saw no one. While

her eyes may have picked up on nothing, she had ears which had heard the voice of

someone familiar to her.

“…Princess…”

“Hello?” the Princess stood up and called out but still there was no one but her

in the cavern.

“I’m here” said the Warlock’s voice, and the Princess realized that it was

coming from the brooch on her cape. She took off the cape and rubbed the metal on

the brooch.

“Where are you?”

“I’m in the Underworld” said the brooch, “a Witch called the Carabosse has

taken us down to hell. Before she did, I managed to give you my voice so that we

could talk. I gave you something precious”

“I have to go down and get you!” the Princess wiped her eyes, “how do I get to

you?”

“It is a very long and dangerous journey” the Warlock’s voice warned her, “and

it will not be easy”

“I don’t care” the Princess put on her cape and fastened it tightly around her,

“what must I do?”

“You must go to the Village of the Cats” the Warlock’s voice instructed, “and

they will tell you what you need to do”

“How will I find them?” the Princess began climbing out of the cavern and onto

the surface. It was a cloudless night and a full moon so she was able to move about

without the need of a lantern.

“You still have my wand” the Warlock’s voice said, “it will be trying to find me.

It will take you where you need to go. Trust the magic”

The Princess took her reindeer Comet from the castle stables and though he

was bothered at being woken from his slumber, he understood that the Princess

needed him. The Princess saddled him and off into the night, she rode the reindeer

while the Warlock’s magic wand took her to the Village of the Cats.

“Can’t you go any faster?” the Princess pleaded for though Comet was dashing

through the countryside, she was anxious about her friends. The Warlock’s wand

seemed to tug in the Princess’s hand, trying to tell her something. The Princess half-

heartedly gave it a wave and a great wave of weightlessness took the reindeer and the

girl. They flew off into the night, determined to rescue her friends.

The Village of the Cats sits on the very outskirts of World’s End. It is a port town, but

often subjected to raids from the pirates who happen to be dogs. The Feline Guards

all swear oaths to protect their shiny bits of string and catnip hoards before they put

on their tiny hats and coats.

It was three days before the Princess reached the Village of the Cats but the

Village Elders had already been waiting for her, having smelt a newcomer

approaching. Two tabby cats stood to greet this new arrival. It was nearly sunset

when Comet touched down upon the ground and the Princess dismounted, quite

tired. She had very little to eat or drink, and spent little time sleeping, but she was

invigorated by the Warlock’s voice which had been telling her jokes and comforting

her, speaking through her brooch.

“Greetings” a ginger tomcat as round as could be did a bow as best he could to

the Princess, “I am Hobbes. Our scouts saw you coming so we decided to give you

our warmest welcome. We are a modest herd but we are indeed, the Practical Cats

and we invite you to dine with us”

“Greetings, Hobbes” the Princess curtsied, “I am the Princess of G’Eshi”

“Let us take your reindeer for some rest and relaxation” offered Hobbes,

nodding to a Burmese and a Persian who took Comet to a field for him to graze. The

two then walked into the village where the Princess was followed by a litter that saw

what a kind face this stranger had. The Princess was taken to the village tent which

had to have one wall removed as there was no way she could fit in through the door.

Inside were housecats happily making supper.

“Please, join us” Hobbes offered the Princess the comfiest cushion and then

curled up on her lap. The Princess felt Hobbes purr so she scratched his tummy

gently.

“We haven’t had many visitors of your kind here since the Last of the Cat-

Ladies died out” Hobbes wriggled slowly, unfolding himself as if he were a squishy

pillow, “but we liked how they smelled, of whisky and kippers. Oh, here’s supper”

A Ragdoll and a Siamese brought over two trays of tuna fish pasta and milk.

After three days of eating nothing but berries and wild fruit, the Princess was very

hungry and the food did taste excellent.

“What a treat!” Hobbes cried as he licked his bowl clean, “now, how can we

help you?”

“I’m on a quest”

“Naturally”

“To the Underworld”

“Ah” Hobbes grunted, “I see. Why?”

“My friends are down there. They were taken by a Witch called the Carabosse”

“Can you help?”

“Why don’t you rest? You seem tired” Hobbes suggested, “the Underworld is a

very tricky place to get to”

“Well…” reluctantly, the Princess agreed that she needed to sleep. She had

been manic to get to her friends but it was tiring for her and Comet both. She rested

her head and as she began to fall asleep, Hobbes meowed her one bedtime story very

dear to him.

When you have important matters

It’s best to leave them to Felis Catus

One tale we tell to our newest recruits

Is about that eternal trickster, Puss in Boots

His nine lives were so epic and schway

That even the Marquis of Perault would say

“Puss in Boots! Why, what a furry chap!”

“Catching birds for a feather in his cap”

A miller lived in the slums of market town

But his three sons never wore a frown

They toddled off, as happy boys

Though the miller could never afford them toys

When the miller died, his work was done

His things bequeathed, he gave each son

The eldest, Tom, the entire mill

So that the town had flour still

To Dick, the middle child and fool

Was left the loyal family mule

To the youngest, Harry, twas’ was given a cat

Who donned his master’s boots and hat

And then, with an almighty sneeze

“Call me Puss in Boots, if you please!”

Puss was a good ol’ friend

And Harry was at his own dead end

So Puss decided to set things right

He poached a bunny in the dead of night

A rabbit so fluffy and fat

He barely fit on the Marquis’ mat

“Oh Marquis!” Puss cried so thunderous and loud

“What gift is this?” the Marquis wowed

The bunny made for an excellent pie

And its fur was very warm and dry

The next day, Puss bestowed a pheasant

A tender bird, so tasty and pleasant

And so, for the next half a year

Every day, and with great care

Puss brought the Marquis a loving gift

Always polite, genial and swift

Through the actions of this clever kitten

The Marquis’ daughter, Lucy was smitten

With Harry, though she never thought it

That this fellow was a monumental twit!

And oh! So clever was Puss’s game

That he never gave the two Harry’s name

Instead Puss called him the Honourable Count Paw

When he left gifts at the Marquis’ door

(Can you spot the pun? I can see two

Maybe the kitty’s cleverer than you)

When dear Lucy turned seventeen

The Marquis was intensely keen

For her to find a man to marry

A generous man, a fellow like Harry!

But he wore such boring rags with such plain trim

That Lucy would scoff at the sight of him

And so Puss was in a tight shave

But then he had his best brainwave

And put his sneaky plan to work

His whiskers placed into a smirk

“Harry, you look like you could use a splash”

“You’re beginning to smell like yesterday’s trash”

So Harry nipped off to the lake

And Puss in Boots followed in his wake

And while Harry washed his hairy toes

Puss stole off with Harry’s clothes!

(This bit of the tale is a little rude

For Harry was left in the nude)

A royal coach passed by the stream

Which stopped for Puss in Boots did scream

“My master’s clothes; they have been thieved!”

“They were the finest garments ever weaved!”

“It’s Count Paw- oh, do please be kind!”

“He’s a marvelous fellow, I think you’ll find”

The Marquis of Perault left his coach

And to weeping Puss, he did fast approach

“Count Paw? By grace, we’ll give him a hand!”

And the Marquis lent Harry the finest clothes in the land

The Marquis and Harry returned and sat side-by-side

In the coach, with Lucy, surely a fine bride

Lucy and Harry looked into each other’s eyes

That special love between gals and guys

But Puss was in no mood to rest

For his next con was to be his best

A little way down the less-traveled road

Lay the enormous Castle Woad

And in it, lay the horrible danger

Of the beastly Oger, a great skin-changer

Who could, at will, morph his shape

From the tiniest ant to the heaviest ape

Oger was not fond of guests

So when Puss walked in, he was quite the pest

“What are you doing here?” Oger gave his fiercest roar

And shifted into a husky boar

He chased Puss around the place

Changing into a hyena with an ugly face

“You don’t scare me!” said Puss in Boots

“That’s just a party trick for hoots!”

“You’re just an ornament around the house!”

“I bet you couldn’t change into a mouse!”

“Oh really?!” Oger sneered at the cat

“We shall have to see about that!”

But of course, it was a swindle, a trick

And Oger turned to a rodent lickety-split

And in three bites, Oger, in his form so small

Was eaten up by Puss, nothing left at all

CRUNCH-CRUNCH-CRUNCH

Puss got the Marquis to drive his coach to Woad

It was an easy journey that was lightly rode

And Puss told Harry, and the Marquis

Of course, there was the gorgeous Lucy

“Look at my master’s home!”

“No greater place in all of Rome!”

“Count Paw lives here! Now tell your carriage

To bring back the things necessary for a marriage!”

Puss passed off Oger’s castle as owned by Harry

A successful ploy- for the two young lovers did marry

And lived happily ever after, but what about Puss in Boots?

Well there have been many disputes

Some say he stayed and lived out his days in style

Some say he vanquished rapscallions so vile

Wherever he is, this tale must be strung

For this is one cat who’s got your tongue

3. THE LOOKING-GLASS CAT-FLAP

When the Princess awoke, she was still in the village tent at the Village of the Cats.

She had dreamt of being back at home in her castle, with all of her friends beside

her. Hobbes was cleaning himself and then brushed against the Princess’s leg.

“Come outside” he beckoned to her. They left to find that it was a rather

cloudy day, the sky spotted with rainclouds. They walked through the village which

was full of dozing kittens wriggling about in the grass.

“Where are we going?” the Princess asked, tightening the hood on her cape as

there was a definite chill in the air.

“We are going to see the Village Idiot” Hobbes declared, “for when you entrust

someone with the gateway to the Underworld, it is best to give it to someone who

could never get ideas about what to do with it”

“What about Comet?”

“Your reindeer? I’m afraid you’ll have to go without him. He won’t fit. Here we

are”

They had arrived at the only cottage in the village. It had several locked doors,

most of them set at rather odd angles. Hobbes pawed at the door until he heard

something rustling inside. Slowly, the locks were undone and the door opened and

out fell a very cuddly blonde cat with a jolly round face and big goofy eyes.

“Hello” the cat said, trying to get the dust from his coat with a piece of cloth,

“would you care for a cup of liver-cake and a slice of tea?”

“This is Charlie, the Village Idiot” Hobbes introduced, “this is the Princess of

G’Eshi. She would like to go to the Underworld”

“You should come in then” Charlie led them inside, his stumpy tail wagging

furiously. Inside the cottage were a lot of broken things which sat crookedly on

crooked shelves.

“I’m sorry this couldn’t be cleaner” Charlie scratched his ears, “I can’t find a

broom. Ah, here it is”

In the centre of the room sat something tall covered in a shabby blanket.

Charlie pulled off the blanket to reveal a very large square mirror.

“This is the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap” Charlie petted it rather proudly, “now I’ll

just get the things you need to go through it”

As Charlie scurried about collecting things, the Princess could see nothing so

unusual about the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap that made it any different from a normal

mirror until she touched it with her fingertips. Unlike a normal mirror which is

almost always very cold to the touch, the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap was as warm as a

fresh pot of tea. The Princess changed the colour of her cape to blue and admired it

in the mirror. Her reflection smiled back at her, except that her reflection didn’t blink

enough.

“Okay” Charlie had on a sorcerer’s hat, a tall shiny purple cone made of velvet,

decorated with stars. He proceeded to throw dust over the Princess’s head and sing

the incantation loudly-

Down you go! Down to the Wonders!

You are now leaving Unus Mundus!

Once you’ve Danced amongst the Dead!

Don’t forget what Shaitan said!

“Your every hope will be unfurled

When you set foot in Underworld!

So be certain you want to roam!

For you may never make it home!”

Through the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap!

Gurgle! Sizzle! Crackle! Zap!

As Charlie finished the incantation, the Princess began to feel very strange. She

usually had that feeling after finishing bottles of white wine.

“Move towards the mirror” Charlie instructed.

“Good luck” Hobbes wished.

“Here I go” the Princess said.

The Princess wobbled over to the mirror. She wasn’t at all frightened by the

mirror, even though the reflection in it seemed to be acting strangely. The Princess

took one last breath and then leapt at the mirror. There was a strange sensation as

she fell through her reflection and came out in the Underworld.

The Warlock sat in the Carabosse’s study, patiently waiting in silence for the

Princess to rescue them. He was locked in the tallest tower in the Underworld. It was

quite boring after he had looked for all possible ways of escape. He was confident

that the Princess would be on her way, but the Warlock was restless. He didn’t know

what was happening to Carlotta, Elder Detta or Karl and that was worrying him.

Even without his wand, the Warlock was a resourceful man but the locks were

held together with the Beldam’s magic and without his wand, the Warlock couldn’t

undo them. To try and take his mind off of what was happening to his fellow

prisoners, he took a stack of parchment, a fresh bottle of ink and a quill. With careful

precision, he dipped the quill into the ink and then wrote the title which was blue

and shiny with the wet ink. The Warlock was very careful not to spill a single drop of

ink onto the parchment, and wrote in his long scrawling handwriting. He blew on it

and read it very quietly under his breath. Then he dipped his quill into the ink again,

and began carefully writing some more.

The Princess, having successfully made it through the Looking-Glass Cat-Flap,

looked around at where she was. She had fallen into a room quite like Charlie’s

cottage, except somehow it seemed wrong. Everything seemed to have swapped sides.

The bookshelves with the leaning shelves had moved from the left to the right. The

window which had a pane of glass which fitted poorly had moved to the other side of

the door. Everything seemed just a little bit darker too, just enough to seem odd and

uncanny.

“Don’t scream”

The Princess turned around quickly to see who had spoken and she laid her

sparkling eyes on someone who looked extremely familiar. She stood up and got face-

to-face with this person and they were exactly the same height. They were wearing

the same clothes, complete to the shoelaces tucked into the purple boots. They

looked exactly the same, except that the Princess had her fringe slightly to the right,

while her doppelganger had her fringe slightly to the left.

“Who…” the Princess managed to get that much out of her mouth. It was

daunting being confronted by the ultimate second pea in her pod. They were not just

cut from the same cloth, but the same cut as well.

“I’m the Other Princess, the Princess in the Mirror. You can call me Echo” the

Princess’s reflection said and held out her hand to shake the Princess’s hand. The

two shook hands but it felt awkward, like shaking your own hand.

“What are you? Why do you look like me?” the Princess walked around Echo,

noting that she looked extremely pretty from the back of the head. Echo adjusted the

hood on her cape while she talked.

“You’re in the Underworld” Echo said, her eyes following the Princess,

“remember back in Unus Mundus, the other side of the Cat-Flap, the Above-Land,

and you saw your reflection? That was me. Everyone who looks into the shine of the

Cat-Flap has an Echo, waiting to tell them to go back, to leave the Underworld. This

is not the world you belong to”

“I have to go further” the Princess said, changing her cape to green so that

Echo had a blue cape while she had a green cape, “my friends have been taken by a

Witch called the Carabosse. I need to find them. Is the rest of the Underworld like a

reflection of the Above-Land?”

“Just this room to acclimatize new arrivals” Echo opened the door to reveal a

deep fiery chasm hewn from mortar which smelled like brimstone and dead ash, “the

rest of the Underworld could do with a bit of spring cleaning”

“You’ve got to come with me” the Princess looked out at the vast space, unsure

of where was safe to go, “you have to help me. I need someone who knows about this

place”

“I can’t” Echo said, sincerely regretful, “it is the sacred duty of the Echo to stay

in the Underworld Antechamber and wait for their Familiar to greet them and since

the Cat-Flap has been used to reach the Underworld, the Echos have obeyed this

duty-”

“Oh, screw it” the Princess grabbed Echo’s hand and dragged her out into the

Underworld.

The Underworld is a warped and twisted place. Clouds hang over the sky but there is

never any rain. Creatures that have grown in the cold darkness slither about, like the

seven-toed Goblins and the Vampire Congress. It is no place for a good girl, or a

princess.

The Princess of G’Eshi and Echo wandered the cobblestone streets under the

shadows of buildings that could only have been held together with dark magic. The

Princess and Echo kept their hoods up but linked arms, in fear of losing one another.

“Where do we go?” Echo asked the Princess when they ducked into a grubby

alley. It was a truly filthy alleyway with many bones and piles of ret in one pile and

smelled revolting. The Princess checked the magic wand and found that they needed

to go further south to find the Warlock.

“Howdy” said a voice. The two girls turned around to see that the bones in the

alley had assembled themselves into a very tall skeleton, as tall as a man and

infinitely more menacing. With fleshless teeth he smiled malevolently at the pair. He

had put himself together in front of the street, trapping the Princess and Echo

between him and an impossibly tall wall.

“May I offer you some help?” the skeleton asked, lumbering towards them, and

he didn’t ask in a nice way.

“We’re fine!” said Echo nervously, but the skeleton still came towards them. He

had a mean look in his eye sockets, for indeed he no longer had any eyes to look

mean with.

“If you’re lost” the skeleton’s teeth chipped against each other as he spoke and

made a chattering sound, “then I can surely help you for I know this Underworld like

the bones on the back of my hand. Of course, I’ll be wanting payment in advance”

“And what is payment?” the Princess asked boldly, never one to be intimidated

by someone with no brains. She was quite cross already from the journey she had

been forced to make and was sorely missing her friends and was in no mood for

skeletons.

“Why, I want a friend, a skeleton friend” the skeleton held his palms over his

eye sockets and pretended to weep, “and I think I’ll take one of you!”

Quick as a flash, The Princess took the magic wand, mumbled something she

thought she’d once heard the Warlock say, and pointed the wand at the skeleton

whose body began to turn to dust, leaving just a skull sitting on a mound of sand.

“Nice going” Echo clapped the Princess’s hand, “where did you learn that?”

“Cooking class with the Warlock” the Princess bent over and picked up the

skeleton’s skull.

“Please don’t hurt me!” the skull pleaded, “I didn’t mean- well, I wouldn’t have-

oh, just let me go!”

“What’s your name?” the Princess held the skull up as high as she could

which made the skull very scared indeed.

“Yorick!” the skull yelped, “please don’t drop me! I’m so sorry!”

“Now then, Yorick” the Princess held the skull with her left hand and placed

the magic wand back into her belt with her right hand, “tell me, if you know the

Underworld so well, you can tell me how to get to the Carabosse”

“Who?” Yorick shivered, “I don’t know of anyone with that name!”

“You’ll never get ahead if you play dumb” the Princess shook him like a Magic

8 Ball, “tell me before I throw you into a basketball hoop”

“Okay! Okay!” that put the fear into poor Yorick, “go to the Tartarus Twichell

at the end of the road and it’ll take you to the River Styx. Pay the ferryman two obols

per passenger and he’ll take you down to Gehenna. Walk for about half a mile

towards the Naraka Gulf. There you’ll find the Carabosse’s palace!”

“Isn’t it just the one obol?” Echo asked.

“They’re adjusting for inflation in the current economic climate” Yorick

explained, “thirteen years ago it might have been different”

“Don’t tell anyone we’re looking for the Carabosse” the Princess said, and

throwing not so well, she did an underhand toss with poor Yorick’s skull into one of

the lakes filled with lava where he was swept away with the tide.

“Shouldn’t we have just left him to find new bones?” Echo asked as she tried

to keep up with the Princess’s quick pace.

“Well the way I see it, we’ve already given him a headstart”

4. THE ICE PALACE

It took a day and a night for the Princess and Echo to make it to the Carabosse’s

palace, even with Yorick’s instructions, but they finally made it to the Naraka Gulf

which was a little less humid, to the point that there were even some weeds which

didn’t look as dry and thirsty poking through the ground, unlike the crackly thistles

which seemed to grow everywhere else in the Underworld.

When the Princess first saw the Carabosse’s palace from the distance, her

mind reeled at the sight of it. It was as tall as a mountain, though only about as wide

as a house, and it was quite curvy and squiggly like a piece of wire that a child has

played with. The palace seemed to be made of huge cool glass but it was actually

made of ice which never seemed to melt. Even the high walls which were for keeping

out intruders were entirely made from blocks of ice.

“It makes me need some water just thinking about it” Echo noted while the

Princess looked for a way into the palace without being noticed.

“I still won’t know where my friends are and there are four of them” mused the

Princess, “searching is going to take time”

“What do we do?” Echo asked, looking at the Princess. It was then that the

Princess had her bright idea of how to rescue the Warlock, Carlotta, Elder Detta and

Karl.

The Carabosse sat on her throne, looking beautiful and unhappy. With her eyelids

over the rubies, there was nothing to suggest that she was anything more than a

rather pretty young lady. She was unhappy because she had deprived the Princess of

her friends, for if the Princess was as beautiful as the Carabosse, why should she

deserve friends more than the Carabosse? Still, it didn’t give her the satisfaction she

had really wanted. She even wished sometimes that she had the Beldam to talk to.

“Excuse me madam” said one of her guards arriving very quickly into the

palace court, “the Princess of G’Eshi is at the gates”

“What?!” roared the Carabosse, snapping open her ruby-eyes and spitting

furiously onto the floor, “how did she get here?! By magic?!”

“We don’t know madam” the guard said meekly, hoping that he would not be

unlucky enough to be beheaded or tortured for insolence, “but what shall we do?”

“Bring her to me!” the Carabosse stamped her foot furiously, outraged that the

Princess could have survived the perilous journey, “now! Make sure that every guard

is here! She must not escape!”

It took a long time but eventually every guard had arrived in the palace court.

It was clear that the girl in shackles was the Princess. Her beauty was practically

unmistakable.

“So, you are here for your friends?” the Carabosse did not rise from her throne

but simply shouted at her guest from across the room, “did you really think that you

could rescue them in my land? Answer!”

It was a bold move but the Princess made no move at all in that court. The

room was tense with awkwardness. When the Carabosse did not hear an answer, she

flew into another rage and decided to rant, for ranting was one of her favourite

activities.

“Throw her into the dungeon! She can rot away there! Has everyone from the

Above-Land lost their voice?! First the Warlock and now you?! Perhaps you simply

desire that I will never get the satisfaction! You would be wrong! Take the Princess

away and throw her in a cell with the Tailor!”

The guards grabbed her by her blue cape and took her away.

Carlotta had been waiting in her cell for days, hoping that she would be rescued. The

dungeon she was in resembled a dungeon she had once been kept captive in by the

evil Overlord Listre. It was rather dark, with rusty ornate chains hanging from the

ceiling. There was nothing of comfort in the cell for Carlotta, for the Carabosse did

not believe in comfort for prisoners. She had been given a lumpy mattress and a

blanket, and a window just big enough to look out of, so she could see how

impossible it was to escape.

In spite of this, she remained hopeful. The dungeon guard Goth had brought

her bread and water three times a day but Carlotta had begun talking to him more

and more, for Goth’s only ward was the Tailor and it was his job every day to stand

guard by the door. She soon had him bringing her bars of chocolate or cases of

vintage wine, and in return she would mend some of his clothes or tell inappropriate

jokes. Goth lived alone and enjoyed Carlotta’s company but he never let the ring of

keys around his belt ever loose. However, through the iron bars of the cell, Carlotta

and Goth fell in love.

It had almost been a week when Goth brought Carlotta a bottle of wine from the

Carabosse’s own private cabinet. He had been summoned to the palace court but

quickly returned. Goth knew a good thing when he saw one and poured two generous

schooners of the wine.

“Is that a new hat I see?” Carlotta jested, referring to the deerstalker hat sitting

on Goth’s head which she had sewn for him the day before. It wasn’t strictly uniform

regulation but Goth wore it proudly.

“Indeed”

“Chin-chin” the two clinked glasses and drank. They had just finished their

glasses when two guards marched in carrying a girl.

“Open another cell, Goth” one of the guards ordered, making Goth feel inferior,

“you have to take care of this one too”

“Princess!” Carlotta moved to the bars which divided her cell with the one to her

right, the one in which the guards threw the caped crusader into, “are you okay?”

The guards, after making sure Goth had locked the doors, left to perform their

other duties. After making sure they were alone, Carlotta was told the truth.

“I am not the Princess” Echo said, “I’m her…her twin. Call me Echo”

“Okay…?” Carlotta was unsure of this explanation, “but where is the Princess of

G’Eshi?”

“She’s breaking in now” Echo explained, “but she needed a distraction so I was

the perfect decoy, someone who literally looked exactly like her, while she snuck

through the back wall. While all the guards were away, she should have gotten in

and by now, is probably trying to find us. She hasn’t forgotten about you guys”

As it turned into what the Underworld considered to be night, Echo slept to try and

rest herself from her harrowing journey while Carlotta and Goth stayed up talking.

“I have something that I want to say to you” Goth said, holding Carlotta’s hand

through the bars, “I know we’ve known each other less than a week but I feel like I’ve

known you for my whole life. I think you’re the most fantastic girl I’ve ever met and

you’re a dreamboat to me. What I’m saying is, well, this is it I suppose…I love you

Carlotta”

It was at this moment that the Princess appeared behind Goth and struck him

over the head with an empty bottle of wine and smashed it against the back of his

head. Goth was knocked out and fell to the floor unconscious.

“Howdy”

“Why did you do that?” Carlotta asked hysterically as the Princess tried to get

the keys from Goth’s belt, “we were talking!”

“I came in through one of the secret passages in the dining room” the Princess

whipped out the magic wand and sliced the keys off of the belt, “and came straight

here. I heard some guards talking about the dungeon and a Tailor and a Princess so I

dashed here. This place is pretty much a maze, but less fun. I’ve been in five

chambers trying to find you”

“If you had the magic wand” Carlotta asked as the Princess struggled with the

lock, “why didn’t you just bewitch Goth to fall asleep?”

“I’ve had a stressful few days” the Princess said darkly, opening the cell door,

“now I’ll get Echo and then we’ve got to go”

“No”

“No?”

“We’re taking Goth with us” Carlotta knelt to Goth’s unconscious frame and

lightly slapped his face trying to rouse him, “I’m not leaving him”

“We don’t have time for this!” the Princess had finally gotten Echo’s door open

and the two stood side-by-side, confusing Carlotta greatly.

“I’m not leaving him” Carlotta said, her tone indicating that it was the end of

the discussion. Though employed by the Carabosse, the Princess could see that this

guard Goth clearly meant a lot to Carlotta. With a sigh, she flicked the magic wand

and a few sparks danced under the man’s nose, getting him to sneeze and sit up. He

was looking more alert than ever.

“We don’t have much time” the Princess said to Goth as he brushed himself

down, “the secret passage has been opened and it’ll be obvious that someone’s used

it. The Carabosse will soon know. Help me find my friends”

Goth was unsure at first but looking into Carlotta’s eyes, he said what he

knew:

“Your friends are alive, but because they were more dangerous, the Carabosse

has her three daughters guarding them”

“Why am I not dangerous?” Carlotta asked indignantly, but no one in the room

dared to answer her.

“All of the daughters have magic” Goth pressed on, “they have magic…tiaras.

Look, it wasn’t my idea”

“We haven’t a moment to lose” the Princess took her friends out into the

corridor, “who’s closest?”

“The young woman- Elder Detta, was it? She’s being held in the most closely

guarded room in the whole palace”

“Oh damn” the Princess hastened her pace, “okay, which way to the pantry?”

“No, she’s in the treasury”

“That was my next guess”

5. TRUNCHBULL

The Carabosse’s treasury was a chamber piled high with valuable loot that had been

plundered from various towns. For a long while, the Carabosse had employed the dog

pirates to ransack whole villages for anything that could be interesting, and they

returned with rubies, sapphires, great works of art and vintage wines. To protect her

stolen goods, the Carabosse had put her youngest daughter Trunchbull in charge of

the treasury.

Guards were placed outside the door and were never allowed to leave, not even

for Christmas. Trunchbull spent her days inside, watching over her mother’s

treasure and also, a large square cage in which a girl who looked no older than

seventeen who called herself Elder Detta. To amuse herself, the Trunchbull used the

magic tiara that sat on her squashed blond head to induce a state of fear with Elder

Detta. Trunchbull knew all about fear, having been the youngest daughter of three

and bullied by her two evil sisters.

Elder Detta waited like Carlotta did, in hope that the Princess would soon come

to save them, but she had been waiting in fear. Trunchbull had made all manner of

evil creatures appear to Detta, things that would terrify anyone. One day Trunchbull

had made giant rats from Sumatra which were as large as horses and could whip fire

from their long tails and these rats pushed their noses against Detta’s cage, pawing

at her as if she were the last lolly in a bag. Another day Trunchbull would use her

magic to create dentists who would shine bright lights at Detta and sharpen their

drills.

This was nothing, for Trunchbull’s favourite avatar was Detta’s own parents

who would scold and yell at her. As Detta grew more afraid, more powerful did the

illusions become.

The Princess and her companions gathered just below the steps that led to the

treasury and ready to put their plans into action. Goth had snuck down to the

kitchens while Carlotta had visited the potion cupboard.

“Ready?”

“Ready”

Goth brought over a tray of cider for the six guards at the door for refreshment.

Goth only pretended to drink, for the cider was laced with a sleeping potion and as

soon as the cider had touched their lips, the guards fell straight away to dreamland.

“Excellent work” the Princess shook Goth’s hand and walked over to the

treasury door. Goth took Carlotta’s hands into his own and looked her in the eye.

“Carlotta” Goth said to his beloved, “I know that we haven’t known each other

long, but I need to tell you this. You change me, my world and you make me smile

and if anyone was going to change anything in the world, I cannot think of any way

better than by making someone smile-”

“Shift!” Echo yelled at them as the two were blocking the doorway. The four

heroes fell into the treasury. Elder Detta’s face lit up as she saw her friends, though

slightly confused about why there were two Princesses.

“What do you want” Trunchbull said, even though it was meant to be a

question, “I would like you to get out. I’m busy”

“Excuse me- I’m the Princess, Keeper of the Legacy of G’Eshi, Defender of the

Use of Magic, Drinking Enthusiast, Protector of Friends. You’ve got someone in a

cage who’s a very good pal of mine. I’d like her back” the Princess drew her magic

wand and held it proudly betwixt her fingers, “everyone please pay attention because

I will not be casting this spell again”

“We can both use magic so let us settle this with magic” Trunchbull crunched

and she used her tiara to create a nightmare for each of her opponents. To Goth, she

made a killer clown nine feet tall and wielding a breadknife which he held between

his teeth. To Carlotta, Trunchbull forged a bat which had attacked her when Carlotta

had entered its nest as a little girl. To Echo, she produced a monstrous cloudy figure,

swathed in black robes- the Grim Reaper. Trunchbull took a moment before

conjuring up a great furry brown creature the size of a cow, with eight long spindly

legs which twitched and eyes that looked like pools of oil and quivered in the worst

way- it was a gigantic spider.

These horrible grotesque nightmares began to approach the four who rushed to

the door but it wouldn’t open for them. Even though they drew no closer, it was clear

that their nightmares were coming for them. Panic struck the four until the Princess

noticed that she could only see these horrid things from the corner of her eye.

“Everyone, look!”

“Why?” Echo cried, scratching against the door with her fingernails.

“Just…do it” the Princess ordered, “look at them! Really focus! There is nothing

to fear but fear itself!”

Indeed, when they faced their nightmares, there was nothing there but air.

“They were just as scary as we made them” the Princess smugly grinned and

poked out her tongue at Trunchbull, “there are things to be scared of in this world.

Liver failure, cooking fires, and maybe dentists, but nightmares have no horror in

them if we don’t let them. Everybody stand back and close your eyes!”

Trunchbull was now getting rather scared, for the four heroes had sapped her

of any strength in her magic. The Princess whispered seven words and swished the

magic wand at the blond witch.

POP-POP-POP

When Carlotta, Goth and Echo opened their eyes, Trunchbull had disappeared. The

Princess had cast a very fierce spell on her which had splintered Trunchbull across

time and space. Trunchbull would forever have to live under the bed and in the

closets of children, trying to frighten them to give herself any sort of form. Trunchbull

became the bogeyman.

“Why didn’t the nightmares affect you as much as they affected us?” Goth

asked as he unlocked Elder Detta’s cage, “because they were pretty terrifying. They

gave me sixty-two goosebumps”

The Princess gave Elder Detta the hug of her life, an embrace so tight it induced

claustrophobia in both of them.

“It wasn’t my worst fear” the Princess guessed but the Tailor had already

worked it out.

Carlotta softly chuckled “ah, who else?”

6. SLUGWORTH

The Princess arose from her comfortable bed and stretched, basking in the morning

light that was pouring through her window.

“Good morning. What an odd dream I had” she said to Vodka the handmaiden

who had brought her a breakfast tray, which was the breakfast of champions- freshly

plucked strawberries and cream.

“What about, miss?” Vodka asked as she waited on her mistress, laying out a

pair of purple boots and a dress.

“I…” the Princess took a moment to collect her thoughts, “I had a dream that

Karl, the Warlock, Carlotta, and Elder Detta had been taken into the Underworld

by…a witch”

“No witchcraft around here, miss” Vodka smiled, “just look out of your window

and see”

The Princess dressed and took in the view from her window. It was another

warm day in G’Eshi, with children playing and boats sailing.

“Where are my friends now?” the Princess asked as she tucked her bootlaces

into her boots instead of tying them properly.

“At home, I should imagine” Vodka tidied the Princess’s collection of glass jars,

“I could send for them if you wish, summon them to the castle grounds”

“Yes- wait, no” the Princess couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t

quite right, “go to Karl’s cave. If he’s asleep, do not disturb him. If he is awake, tell

him to meet me by the stables”

“Very good, miss” Vodka gave a polite curtsey and left. The Princess put on her

green cape and changed the colour to purple which she rather liked. As she walked

down to the stables, she still felt as if there was something that she wasn’t

remembering, as if she had forgotten something terribly important to do.

The stables, which housed all manner of steeds, were delighted to see their pal

Karl do his funny fire tricks. The Princess smiled pleasantly at Karl, as if she hadn’t

seen him in weeks.

“Everything okay?” Karl noted as the Princess fed her reindeer, “you don’t look

like yourself”

“I just…” the Princess fingered the brooch around her cape, “I don’t know. I

must have drunk too much cider last night”

She smiled and the sight of a smiling princess was easily enough to make Karl

smile too.

“May we fly somewhere?” the Princess asked, brushing the hay from her hands,

“if you’ve got something else to do-”

“Anywhere” Karl kneeled so that the Princess could mount his back, “is this

important?”

“Take me to the West Lakes. I want to see Carlotta for… a social call”

“…okay” Karl flapped his mighty wings and started running, gaining speed

which whipped through the Princess’s long hair, before they became airborne and

into the sky.

“Look dear” Carlotta pointed to the sky as she swung on the patio hammock, “we

have a visitor”

Before her beloved could say anything, Carlotta pulled him into the hammock

too and they kissed like an old married couple still very much in love, or a young

couple who shared a love which felt that it had existed all their lives.

“Hello Carlotta” the Princess jumped off her dragon and did her friendship

handshake with the Tailor, “hello Goth. Are you doing much?”

“Maybe go for a swim later” Carlotta held Goth’s hand tightly, “I’ll drag him in

if I have to”

“You know I don’t swim. Is something the matter?” Goth asked the Princess as

she was squinting curiously at him.

“I’m not sure” the Princess smacked her head to shake the uneasiness out of

her mind, “you…that’s not right…never mind. I just woke up strange”

“There’s a change” Karl hollered sarcastically from the lake as he tried to catch

a fish with his mighty jaws. The West Lakes had beautiful schools of fish which

learnt quickly how to jump high out of the water and do marvelous tricks, before

being snatched up by hungry birds and one dragon.

“Can we take a walk to Elder Detta’s gingerbread house? I want to…tell her

something” the Princess asked but Carlotta raised an eyebrow.

“Now’s your chance” Carlotta nodded at Detta who was fast hobbling up the

path to Carlotta’s cottage, “how are we doing today?”

“I didn’t sleep very well last night” Detta complained, “when you’ve lived as

long as I have, your bones and joints start to creak. I feel all stiff, like I’ve been shut

in a box and left there”

“Babe, go give her a massage” Carlotta said to Goth, “but not like the ones you

give me”

“Right…” the Princess took that as her turn to raise an eyebrow, “has anyone

seen the Warlock?”

“I…I can’t even remember the last time I saw him” Detta rubbed her chin, “he’s

probably out somewhere and he loves you so he shan’t be away for long”

“It’s just…” the Princess felt in her belt that there was his magic wand, “I have

his magic wand and he probably wants it returned. I should probably give it back to

him. That’s what I was forgetting!”

As she said that, the Princess wasn’t entirely convinced. She knew there was

something else on her mind that she must remember.

“Shall we go and have some brunch?” Carlotta asked, “I made scones”

“I made scones!” Goth protested, “you hung around the kitchen and hid things”

“Okay- we made scones” Carlotta shrugged, “same difference, really”

So the Princess, Carlotta, Goth and Elder Detta went inside the cottage and had

freshly baked scones. Goth even found some liquid nitrogen canisters for Karl. They

spent the morning inside chatting and in the afternoon they took a stroll around the

Wimple Woods. All day the Princess had something in her mind bothering her,

tugging at her, and she kept trying to shut out that nagging thought.

At last, evening came and Karl took the Princess back to the castle. In her room,

the Princess rang a silver bell for Vodka to join her.

“I want you to get all the King’s men to search the kingdom” the Princess

instructed, “tear apart the world but I want you to find the Warlock”

“Ma’am?” Vodka found the order most unusual.

“Just do it” the Princess waved her hand for Vodka to leave the room.

Six days went by and every day was a sheer paradise for the Princess and her

friends; everything idyllic and peaceful. Everything seemed to be going their way and

they were enjoying themselves immensely, but as she retired to bed each night, the

Princess summoned Vodka and each night, Vodka had no news for the Princess.

The Princess missed her friend, with his blue overcoat and his magic tricks and

his absence made her grow fonder of him until on the seventh night, Vodka waddled

up to the Princess with a gleeful spark in her eye.

“The Warlock is in the drawing room to see you” the haidmaid exclaimed, “shall

I wait for you?”

“No, goodnight Vodka” the Princess threw on her dressing gown and fluffy

slippers and ran to the drawing room to see her friend. When she opened the door,

he looked exactly as she remembered him. His coat even had the collar upturned and

his boots black and dusty.

“I missed you” the Princess threw a hug at the Warlock, but it didn’t feel quite

right.

“Yep, I missed you too” the Warlock nodded, “what’s up, physicist?”

“Are you okay?” the Princess asked as she stood by the fireplace, “you sound

different”

“You sound awesome for though a sound can be lost in the darkness, it can

never be lost forever” the man in the blue overcoat said, tapping his temple. The

Princess drew the hot poker from the fire and held the tip of it less than a fingernail’s

width from the man’s nose.

“You don’t sound different” the Princess said, “your words are differently. You

don’t have the same voice that you used to. You’re wrong”

“I assure you that I am the Warlock” he said, folding his arms, “I gave you that

wand, remember?”

“No you didn’t” the Princess hissed, “whatever you are, if you’ve hurt my friend

then I will not let you go unpunished. I will find him if it takes me the rest of my life.

What have you done to him?”

“I am the Warlock! Duh!” the man insisted but the Warlock had never said

‘duh!’ and the Princess knew that and as soon as she realized that he wasn’t her

friend, he evaporated into thin air.

“…Princess…”

The Warlock’s voice came to her, from the brooch.

“I’m here” the Princess held the brooch in her hands, “what’s happening?!”

“You need to wake up” the Warlock’s voice said, “don’t you remember?”

The Princess looked out of the drawing room window and into the sleeping

village, “no, tell me”

“You were rescuing Karl. He was in palace clock tower but the Carabosse’s

middle daughter Slugworth was guarding him. She cast a spell on you all”

“What happened to us?” the Princess asked.

“You fell asleep. You’re all still asleep, sharing the same dream. This is what

you want, a world which is everything you want it to be. Slugworth wants you to just

be happy so you never wake up”

The Princess had a question, “why weren’t you…the Warlock?”

“Because your dreams are made from your imagination. You couldn’t do what

the Warlock does for the words in his imagination are impossible. You tried your

best, and you got a pale imitation but it wouldn’t compare with the real Warlock’s

ingenious, albeit immodest, words”

“Well, does it matter? Can’t we just…stay like this?”

The brooch quivered when the Warlock’s voice spoke to her, “you must return to

the land of the living. Without you, all will be lost. Do not despair for the villains fade

and evil can die. Reunite with us, and help us fight for a new world where all

creatures great and small can live in happiness, to free the world from greed and

tyranny and wickedness. You, Princess, have magic which can make life beautiful.

Use this magic to make our lives a wonderful adventure. Come back, please. You’re

our only hope”

The Princess sat up, awaking from her dream which shattered the dream for the

others. They rose, rubbing their eyes, returning to the palace’s clock tower. Carlotta

and Goth had fallen asleep holding hands, Elder Detta had splayed herself in a

manner which would cover any mattress space, Echo had slept with her feet and

hands squeezed together, Karl had slept in the secret way that dragons sleep in and

the Princess had slept with her hands tightly clutched around the cape that the

Warlock had given her.

“How did you wake up?” the brunette hag Slugworth adjusted her tiara in

disbelief, “go back to sleep and be happy, damn you!”

The Princess, quick as lightning, sprung the wagic wand from her belt and

sprayed a shower of sparks over Slugworth who melted away into the ether, and

drifted into the Never-Weres, forever destined to wander the nightmares and sleep

terrors of children.

“Awesome- get me out now” Karl grumpily said, for all dragons are grumpy

when they wake, “these chains are uncomfortable”

Goth used one of his keys to undo the massive unobtainite chains that had

been clamped on Karl’s legs, wings and muzzle.

“Right, where’s the Warlock?” the Princess asked Goth, blinking to get used to

being up and awake, “the Carabosse will know we’re onto her”

“The Central Tower” Goth loosened Karl’s restraints, “locked in her study at the

top of the tower. The eldest daughter Bean guards him at the bottom of the tower”

“Karl, can you fly us to the top?” Carlotta asked as the dragon felt his aching

wings.

“No, I’m too sore from being tied up to fly” Karl sneezed, causing Goth’s uniform

to smoulder, “sorry”

“Bean is the worst of the daughters” Goth said as he and Carlotta patted his

clothes down, “she’s clever and cunning and redhead. She has one weakness- she

loves games and can’t turn one down. If you can play with her and win, she might

accept the defeat”

“Right then” the Princess turned her cape to a dark black, “let’s go get the

Warlock”

7. BEAN

Bean was unlike her sisters as she took after her aunt, the Beldam, in that she was

beautiful. She was thin and willowy, with fiery red hair. She wore silk pajamas and

wore her hair in long braid which she had plaited for her by banshees. While she was

guarding the Warlock in the Central Tower, she amused herself by playing games

against her companions. At a glance, the Princess and Bean shared many

similarities- both were beautiful, with friends, for indeed Bean did have friends who

had genuine affection for her, and both enjoyed the use of their magic.

Bean was playing a game of Crambo with her lover, the Conjurer. The Conjurer

made Bean laugh and sigh and think and she enjoyed playing Crambo with him, for

you cannot play Crambo unless your head is full of words. In Crambo, players take

turns giving a line, which the opponent attempts to rhyme with. Bean was feeling

particularly topical, and so they sang about their prisoner.

In the top of the tower, the Warlock sleeps

While the Above-Land people mourns and weeps!

For they have lost their beloved champion

The greatest storyteller of them all has gone!

Let us keep him here in the Palace of Ice

Where he may pay the exorbitant price

Of the Princess of G’Eshi, who’s wrath was felt

From Mother Carabosse, a woeful welt

The Princess had friends; The Carabosse did not

So scores were even, and friends forgot

The seeds of sorrow are now being sown

Finally, the Princess and Carabosse can both be alone

The game was cut short by the door to the tower opening with a slam. The Princess,

Elder Detta, Goth, Carlotta, Echo and Karl slid in, lining the wall so that there was

no escape.

“Who are you?!” Bean stood up in anger, “what do you want?!”

“I’m the Princess and I’m here for my friends, and I’ve had a very bad day” the

Princess held her head high like a proud peacock, the magic wand pointed squarely

at Bean. However, Bean was more talented with her magic tiara than her sisters and

could manipulate the magical charge in a more complex manner than her sisters so

when the Princess attempted a magic spell, Bean reflected that spell and it hit Elder

Detta, who promptly grew a fluffy tail.

“Try it; I can do this all day” Bean curved her ruby lips into a delightful, but

eerie, smile, “I’m just as good as you with magic, probably even a little better. In fact,

I was thinking of getting the Warlock to show me a thing or two”

“Let me eat her, please” Karl licked his lips, “I’m sure there’s enough nitrogen in

her to digest”

“No, she’d poison you” Carlotta scratched his aching wings, “Princess, what do

we do?”

“I challenge you” the Princess put away the wand, “a game and if I win, you let

the Warlock go”

“A game?” Bean clapped her hands, “and if I win? If there is a wager, there has

to be a forfeit”

“Then I’ll stay, in the Underworld, with the Warlock, forever” the Princess

staked, but Bean shook her head and her red hair swayed and glimmered in the

candlelight.

“That isn’t fair; the Warlock is magic” Bean snickered, “I want…all of you. If you

win, Princess, then you may have back the Warlock. If I win, then each of your

friends as well as yourself will be mine until Judgment Day when I’ll get my own

people”

“Hang on” the Princess huddled with her friends, “do you guys trust me?”

“Hell no” Carlotta said quickly, “what’s your game plan?”

“I’m waiting!” hollered Bean.

“If you lose, we’re all going to be kept here forever, and we can’t die here so we

couldn’t even escape through death” Detta said, “so you better have a good idea”

The Princess turned to Bean and smirked, “I accept your terms. If I lose, my

company and I will be yours forever”

“Then name your game” Bean spoke, “chess? Backgammon? Hide and seek?

Hunt the thimble? Hide the saltine? Ludo?”

“A drinking game” declared the Princess, “have you ever heard of Circle of

Death?”

“No, but it’s an appropriate name” Bean paced the floor, “what are we going to

need?”

“A deck of cards” the Princess said, “and a jug”

“We can get that” Bean said, “I’ll send the Conjurer. Anything else?”

“Yeah, the Conjurer will need to play. We each must have a partner because

you can’t play Circle of Death with only two people. Carlotta will play on my team”

“Four goblets, something to eat, and a table with no less than four legs”

“That will be procured. Anything else?”

“Yeah” the Princess grinned, “booze. Lots, and lots, of booze”

Bean got her servants to fetch a deck of cards, a jug, four goblets, and an antique

oak table that once had been used to write an account of a man who had been nailed

to a cross for saying that people should be nicer to each other. She had then got the

cooks in the Palace kitchen to bring up steaming trays of food and desserts kept cool

in the larder. After it was all brought to the foot of the Central Tower, every wine

cellar was raided and every casket of wine brought up. The storerooms were emptied

of their spirits and liquors and piled high, ready to be drunk.

“I take it we have satisfied the requirements?” Bean looked at the Princess while

she tore off a leg of steamed crow and bit into it savagely.

“May I have a glass of buttermilk?” the Princess requested and received a glass

of buttermilk which she then proceeded to drink in one breath.

“You looked like you needed that” Carlotta muttered, “I’ll have one too, actually”

“May we now begin?” Bean crossed her legs and opened a bottle of pinot noir

with her sharp fingernails, slicing the top of the bottle off and allowing it to breathe,

“I’m anxious to begin playing”

The Princess poured herself a goblet of wine that was a fine rose colour and had

a pleasant aroma.

“The person who stays conscious the longest is the winner” the Princess

outlined the game, “and we play until only one of us is still awake. Cheers”

Circle of Death is a brutal drinking game with many complex rules and

impossible to play without consuming many intoxicating liquids. Bottle, after bottle,

after bottle was consumed and each one fell to the floor with a smash after the

contents were drunk.

Bean and the Conjurer were no novices to drinking but they were hardly a

match for the Princess and Carlotta who had vodka and orange juice, white wine, red

wine, green wine, blue wine, shots of bourbon and shots of tequila, sangria and

brandy, while Bean and the Conjurer drank their own weight in gin, bloody maries,

daiquiris of every kind, and the kind of rum meant only for seadogs. They drank like

fish, and stared at each other like gladiators.

The Conjurer was the first to fall, having been made to finish his seventh

appletini in a row. Carlotta fell not soon after that, having consumed the vessel in the

game. As Bean and the Princess slurred slurs at one another, they continued to play

the game. The Princess’s friends watched in awe as the Princess and Bean began to

make waterfalls of their goblets, pouring triple-distilled vodka into their mouths.

As Bean put down her empty goblet, she knew something was wrong. Her

cheeks were flushed and her ears were hot, her face had tears streaming down,

dripping upon the floor, and her vision was blurry. Though the Princess was in no

great state, Bean felt like she had been poisoned with snake venom. She fell to the

floor, took one last look at the Princess and nodded to her before passing out and

having a dreamless sleep.

“We won” it dawned on Elder Detta, “we won!”

Goth rushed over to Carlotta while Karl, Echo and Detta rushed to the Princess

who had stumbled three times trying to stand up. Victorious, the group brought

Carlotta some water to try and revive her.

“She’s barely breathing” Goth said, speaking about Carlotta, “we need to get her

help fast”

“Get…” the Princess swayed like a ship caught in a storm, “get the Warlock.

Karl, help me”

The dragon flew to the aid of the princess, and she clung to his long neck as he

bound up the spiral staircase. With the last of her strength and coordination, the

Princess used the magic wand so that the heavy door would open.

The Warlock got up from the desk when the door opened. The Princess and Karl

stumbled in, and never had the Warlock been so glad to see the Princess. However,

the Princess was leaning on various items to make her way to him though.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Karl grunted as the Princess drunkenly

fell into the Warlock’s arms. The Warlock looked into the Princess’s eyes, speechless

with wonder and then he kissed her and it was, in every sense, a magical moment

that restored them both.

“My word, it is good to see you!” the Warlock smiled, throwing on his blue

overcoat and also taking a brown leather satchel bag, “you came to the rescue,

Princess, after all! I see that you freed Karl, and kept my voice safe in your brooch”

The three made their way down the spiral staircase. With her head feeling

extremely clear, the Princess had a few questions which the Warlock was delighted to

ask, having his voice returned to him.

“Why am I feeling-?”

“So good?” the Warlock anticipated, “because I used some of my magic to heal

the enzymes in your liver. It’s good to be able to speak again- do you know how hard

it is to mime to your guard ‘I would like a bottle of cognac?’? It was agony. What’s

your escape plan?”

“See you, then you get us out of here” the Princess said, as she hurried down

the staircase, “that was the escape plan! Now what are you going to do about it?!”

8. THE CARABOSSE

“Hello, all!” the Warlock waved to his friends as he reached the bottom stair, “good to

see you again. That is one of the Carabosse’s guards but his lips are locked with

Carlotta’s so I’m going to let that one go. Elder Detta, always a pleasure to see you,

and…ah, another Princess. I’m confused, but there’s probably a legitimate

explanation for it so I’m going to let that one go too”

“We’re getting out of here, right?” Carlotta asked, rubbing her eyes, “I feel quite

hungover”

“That was fast” Goth raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, we got here through the Carabosse’s cloak” the Warlock thought out

loud, “it took us by magic. We get the cloak, we use it to go back. Where does it

hang?”

“I think, the Carabosse wears it on her person at all times” Goth said, “she

never removes it, not even on the hottest days”

It was at that moment that a trumpet was sounded and it made an infernal

racket which alerted the whole palace.

“Anyone got a good idea right now?!” Detta asked in a voice which showed that

she was fretting, “because we could really use one right now”

“The Carabosse has sounded the alarm but she wouldn’t lead the search

herself, not if we were on the loose” the Warlock reasoned, “you, what’s your name?”

“I’m Goth”

“I’m Echo, if anyone cared” Echo offered.

“Goth, where would the Carabosse go to hide if the palace was under siege?”

“There’s a stronghold under the castle. That’s where the weapons are usually

kept and heavy artillery is stored” Goth pointed downwards, “and I know of a

shortcut”

They made their way passed the passed-out Conjurer and Bean and to a

tapestry of a woman with cobalt hair sitting alone in a destroyed home. The Warlock

knew the story well- the woman was called Yulee and she had taken her lovers for

granted, for she liked the attention they gave her but she did not want the bother of

having to love them. One day, she got exactly half of what she wanted for her lovers

left her for better prospects while she remained alone for the rest of her life, growing

old by herself for she had no respect for anyone but herself.

“I appreciate the story, and it’s a beautiful tapestry” the Warlock said to Goth,

“but how does this get us to the stronghold?”

Goth raised the tapestry to reveal that behind, there was a secret passageway.

“Okay, that has to be the coolest thing I’ve seen in a while” the Princess said,

walking through it. The others followed, the Warlock being last.

“Thank you for not losing it. I need this” the Warlock took his magic wand from

the Princess’s belt and he used it to freeze the tapestry so that it was stronger than

brick and mortar.

“That’s so the guards can’t follow us. Come on” the Warlock explained, and they

moved down the secret passageway. The passage seemed to slope downwards, as if it

were going right through the palace itself. They finally arrived at the end of the

passageway and were confronted by the back of another tapestry. The Warlock could

see shadows through the tapestry and the tall, leggy Carabosse could be made out

through the shadows with two other monstrous shadows which made the Warlock

groan.

“What are they?” Echo dared not peek through the tapestry, but Goth had

unsheathed his sword and tightened his suspenders.

“Cipactli” the Warlock slapped his forehead, twirling his wand feverishly,

“crocodile-fish-toad men. They are…monumentally loyal to anyone who feeds them.

They have a mouth at every joint in their body so that they can feed at any

opportunity. They can even eat more than Carlotta-”

“Hey!”

“So does anyone have any food on them?”

Carlotta nudged uncomfortably, “we could…feed them Detta”

“I’m right here!”

“No you’re not”

“Okay, I’m not”

“That gives me an idea” the Warlock licked his finger to take the temperature,

“can you all swim?”

“What the hell’s your plan?”

“Do you know what the difference between an army of frogs and a knot of toads

is?” the Warlock held his wand heavenly, “toads don’t fare as well as frogs do in

water”

The Carabosse stood with the stronghold doors locked and her Cipactli next to her,

armoured in Ngoubou scales. They could hear the footsteps of the guards clump

around the ice palace and so stayed near to their mistress. The Cipactli had always

stayed loyal to the Carabosse for she fed them well, in both size and quality. The

Cipactli were fed on a diet on Strix eggs, Cerebus legs and the milk of the Longma.

One sound that they started to hear while guarding the stronghold was the pitter-

patter of rain.

Though the Cipactli had no real idea of what rain was, they had memories from

their ancestors and when they heard rain, they ran out of the stronghold, leaving the

Carabosse on her own which was when, from behind a tapestry, came a Warlock, a

Tailor, an Elder, a Palace Guard, a Dragon and two Princesses.

“Howdy partner; what’s fryin’, mountain lion?”

“You?!” the Carabosse gripped her cloak, “I hate you!”

“Is she addressing all of us?”

“I think so”

“I am rubber; you are glue-”

“What bounces off of me sticks to you”

“Guards!” the Carabosse stamped her feet and screamed, “guards!”

“They won’t be able to help you if they have any sense” the Warlock snickered,

“As you can see, I have both my wand and my voice so my magic as well. I love how

your stronghold is underground. You can barely feel the fires of the Underworld.

Anyway, we’re going to need that cloak and we need it now”

“Anything else you’d like to help yourself to?” the Carabosse held her cloak,

feeling secure with it on, “you’re not taking it. I have charms which could bind you in

ropes until the end of time”

“Yes, but I’m very good at weather charms” the Warlock spoke, his boots

making squelching noises as he walked towards the beautiful Carabosse, “and I’m

here to rain on your parade”

“He’s not just making bad puns and cheesy one-liners, by the way” the Princess

leaned over to face the Carabosse, “it’s actually raining”

“It’s not rained in the Underworld in living memory” Goth seemed oddly pleased

about that and he looked rather smug, especially with his arm linked with Carlotta’s,

“this ought to be good”

“So the fires will be extinguished, the humidity will…well I don’t even know, and

finally, what will happen to your palace?” the Warlock asked for the Carabosse to

imagine, “a palace made out of ice gets rained on in what I would normally call spit-

roast weather”

At that moment, as if to illustrate the point, there was a loud crash.

“That will be the Central Tower toppling down, melting” the Warlock poked out

his tongue, “your entire palace is about to become a cold drink”

“I can rebuild” the Carabosse laughed, “see you later, alligator”

She spun on the spot but went nowhere.

“I’ve anchored you here, with my magic” the Warlock said, “Now, we’ll be taking

that magic cloak of yours or we’ll never let you leave”

“Why would I care?” the Carabosse took one step forward into a puddle but was

stopped by a very angry dragon.

“Going anywhere?” Karl had smoke pouring from his eyeballs, “because I seem

to remember you had me in chains and a muzzle”

“You’re basically in the inside of a sink and it’s filling up” Detta waved her

hands at the staircase which had become a miniature waterfall, “so you only have so

much time before the staircase itself melts to get out of here. You’re not going

anywhere with that cloak”

“I-”

“No time to argue” Echo pointed at the ceiling, “because I think that’s the roof

coming in”

The Carabosse slid off her cloak and threw it to the Warlock with a foul look, so

gross that it could wilt flowers.

“This is not over!” the witch cried as she ascended the rapidly decaying

staircase, “not over!”

“Yes, it is” the Warlock assured his friends as he threw on the cloak, “come on,

everybody. Who’s for ice-cream?”

With the cloak and wand, the Warlock said the spell which engulfed his friends,

and faster than the blink of an eye, they had left the palace for good.

The Carabosse was not so lucky. As she walked out, soggy, from the remnants of her

palace, she found that the stale air around the Underworld had suddenly softened,

as had the dirt which had turned to mud, and the fires which exploded in the trees

had stopped. She took one last look at the lake which had once been a palace, before

trudging up the bank to find her daughters.

She needn’t have worried though, for the entire population of the Underworld

had gathered, having seen the palace collapse. Every home had been emptied, every

species had congregated and they had captured Bean, Slugworth and Trunchbull,

and then they caught the Carabosse.

They were tired of being oppressed and they were eager for revenge and without

the Carabosse’s cloak, they had no magic.

Their story ends here, but the story of the Princess does not.

9. THE KINGDOM OF G’ESHI

O Muse, this could not have ended in a manner less peculiar. This is the end of the

story of the girl who was so brave that she had the courage to rescue her friends from

the Witch of the Underworld, a wicked wench so woeful that she sought to steal the

friends of the most beautiful lass in all the cosmos, but it is the start of another story

for every ending contains the start of another story...

“Where are we?” Detta asked, shaking her bones, “I feel dizzy”

“We’re exactly where we were!” Carlotta spotted the balloons which had

deflated slightly and glowed less brightly, but they were still unmistakably in the

cavern of the G’Eshi castle.

After their return, much needed to be done. The Princess had to alert her

subjects that she had returned. Carlotta returned to the West Lakes with her lover,

and Detta and Karl decided to take a holiday in Eden. Echo decided to travel and the

Princess packed her a bag and the Other Princess strode the world for wonders.

When the Princess had seen Echo off, she returned to her room where she

found a large book that had been bound in Vermicious Knid hide and had shiny

letters embossed on the cover, and a note in that almost illegible handwriting of the

Warlock’s.

Dear Princess

I thank you for saving me at a time when I needed you the most but I had

some time to think while I was trapped in the tower. When I was silent, I

listened to myself and I came to the conclusion that maybe we need to spend

some time apart. I’m not saying that you aren’t dear to me, but that I cannot

stay around you any longer for both our sakes.

You need someone else to make your magic. This doesn’t work for me. I’m

forever in your debt, and I’ve left something for you to remember me by.

Love, the Warlock.

“Vodka” the Princess asked her handmaid as she walked along the corridor, “has

anyone seen the Warlock?”

“Not lately” Vodka said, sweeping dust out of the window, “shall I fetch him?”

“I don’t think you can”

“I don’t understand, miss”

“Neither do I” the Princess closed the door of her room and sat on her bed. Her

cape turned black all on its own and the Princess sat for several minutes, lost in an

ocean of thoughts. When she broke from her trance, she picked up the book and held

it to the light. The title shone brightly in the sunlight and the Princess even

whispered it out loud.

‘The Princess Compendium’

THE PRINCESS AND THE RIVER

1. THE PRINCESS

In the lands before people disagreed too much, there lived a Princess. She lived in a

castle that was given to her by the King, with the condition that she would keep the

castle relatively tidy. She could have it for as long as she wanted, or until she found

out that there was a dragon living underneath that could have killed them all with a

sneeze of fire, whichever came first. She’d found the dragon already. He was called

Karl.

In the Kingdom of G’Eshi, there was great celebration for it was the day of the

new season of cider. The Scrumpy river would flow huge currents of cider around the

kingdom and be consumed by the villagers. It was customary for every peasant to dip

their glasses into the river and drink. The celebration came and went, and weeks

passed but the river of Scrumpy fell to a trickle.

The villagers visited the Ponds of Red Wine but soon these too grew low, and

then opened stocks of bourbon and coke but these only served to make their thirst

for apple cider grow more. It was such a desperate situation that a council was

called. This was the Council of Trouble-Fixing, though in truth, they were not too

good at living up to the title they had been given.

The Princess awoke one morning to find her companion, Vodka, by her

bedside.

“There’s the Warlock here to see you” Vodka spoke very softly, in fear that the

Princess would have her executed for ruining a good dream. The Princess had, in

fact, been having a good dream. There were rainbows in it.

Wizards are men who are all unnaturally tall, and the Warlock was no

exception. He waited patiently in the dining hall in his blue overcoat, patiently

sipping at a bottle of wine which seemed appropriate for eight in the morning. The

Princess came to greet him but before she could speak, there was a knock at the

castle gates.

“Hello!” she squeaked in surprise as two fairies hovered in. Fairies are always

girls, about as big as dinner plates, and wore dresses made out of daisy-chains.

“I’m Alicia” said the smaller, blond fairy, “and this is Zoe”

This was difficult for Alicia to say because fairies don’t have the right shape of

throat to pronounce vowels and thus, all vowels are silent and only included for legal

reasons. The two fairies floated into the dining hall to talk to the Warlock without a

word of explanation. The Princess sighed slightly and made two steps back to the

dining hall before there was another knock at the door.

There were three monkeys waiting outside.

“I am Sally” said the leader of the trio, “and this is Danielle and Janine. We are

the toughest men of the clan” and they hopped inside. The Princess was about to

close the door when Karl flapped in, just small enough to squeeze through the door.

Vodka was scurrying around the table, attempting to gather the orders for breakfast

from the Warlock, two fairies, three monkeys, and a dragon.

“Strawberry pie and a pot of raspberry tea!”

“Romanians on toast and butternut coffee!”

“Banana sandwiches and banana shakes!”

“Ten chocolate-filling Nitrogen cakes!”

When Vodka has sorted everything, she returned with a tray laden with all

manner of delectable items. The Princess took her chair at the end of the table and

helped herself to toast and tea.

“Now” the Warlock cleared his throat, “we have come to you, Princess, because

you must tell us what to do about the lack of Scrumpy”

“Here! Here!” the monkeys cried, getting banana crumbs all over their beards.

“We agree!” the fairies tried to say vowel-less.

Karl said nothing because he was a dragon and only ate Nitrogen. Truth be

told, he was only there because he was filling in for Zarrock the Needlessly Offensive

who was off waging a war against the fish.

The Warlock outlined the problem; “we are out of cider from the River of

Scrumpy. We don’t know why it’s stopped. We need someone to fix this so we turn to

you because you are the Princess and you know what’s best”

“We shall send the greatest of our monkey scientists!” Danielle offered heartily,

“and they will solve this easily!”

Alicia scoffed at that, “you couldn’t trust a monkey to come up with a line of

Shakespeare. Princess, I suggest you allow the fairies to handle this!”

As the fairies and the monkeys quarreled, the Warlock lit his pipe and tickled

Karl’s nose to light it. When the monkeys and fairies had thoroughly made sure that

neither could go, the Warlock spoke.

“Princess, I suggest that you investigate yourself why the cider is gone” he

puffed, “we trust no one more than you”

The Princess did have a duty to her people and so the next day she was laden

with two small sacks of seeds from the wizard, a sword forged by the fairy

blacksmiths which could cut anything with its absurdly sharp blade, and the

monkeys had given her the best twigs that they could find. All of these gifts were

strapped to Karl’s back as he would be giving Princess a flight to the source of

Scrumpy.

They chose a great mountain top to help Karl start his flight. The Warlock’s

eyes twinkled as he bid the Princess a great farewell, but begged her to return or he

would miss her, and the Warlock missed the Princess, the less magical his life

seemed.

Karl flapped his mighty dragon wings and the Princess grabbed Karl’s great

floppy ears. They flew away to find out what had happened.

2. THE PIRATES

Pirates are a naturally silly lot. They roam the seas in rickety ships, drinking rum,

talking to parrots and wearing very large hats. They also are known for their

penchant for stealing treasure and then burying it again. This is because all pirates

are evolved from dogs.

Captain Canine was a very depressed captain. He was a cross of Maltese and

Chihuahua and wore a beige pirate frockcoat with a hat that sported a magnificent

peacock feather. His worries were that his ship, the Barkinator, would perish. The

Barkinator was not a very well-stocked ship and though it was quite large, they had

not docked in seven weeks and were running low on water, bones and rum. The

Captain left his quarters to see his crew rolling around in the sun without anything

better to do. It was a bright sunny day and it seemed to be windless.

“Ahoy” the First Mate, a golden retriever said to his captain, “what shall we

do today?”

The Captain eyed the sails which seemed limp and pathetic, “I don’t know,

me hartie” and scratched behind his ears.

The First Mate moved so that the Captain could take the wheel of the ship.

He took a small hip flask from the side of his left boot and drank some before offering

some to the Captain. The Captain grumbled and decided it would be best to consult

the ship’s navigator, Long John Silver. Long John had gotten his name due to the

fact that at the end of his long snout he wore a very large silver ring which seemed to

be shiny, no matter what.

In the ship’s scullery, Long John was pondering over the maps he had been

given before their voyage from Woofer Isle. He wiped his monocle on his scarf and

then had another look at the large X marked in blood on the map when the Captain

arrived.

“Found anything?” the Captain handed Long John a dog biscuit. It was stale

and tasteless but it was all they had.

“We should go here” Long John tapped one paw at the map, “I think there’s

treasure here on Ruff Island. Buried by Smollet back in the old days. We can stock

up on water while we’re there as well. We best move soon- I think there’s a storm

coming in”

The Captain opened his jaws to agree when one of the crew, a rather fat

Beagle called Mraw arrived, panting furiously.

“Captain…there’s…come and see!”

The Captain bolted out wagging his tail, his hat with the feather nearly falling

off. The crew had all gathered on the deck and were looking up at the sky. The

Captain took his telescope from his belt and peered at the strange thing in the sky

that seemed to be plummeting towards them very fast. Some cowardly dogs drew

their swords, some cautiously loaded their muskets but the Captain just watched as

a dragon and a princess fell on deck with an almighty crash.

Karl had broken the Princess’s fall. The two had, like Icarus, been flying too closely to

the sun and Karl had gotten too hot and bothered to remain airborne. The Princess

had steered him on the only thing that wasn’t ocean which was the pirate ship. Once

they had crashed, the two had fainted with exhaustion.

Once they had landed, the Captain had ordered them to be thrown in the brig. He

was a good captain but not sure what to do when a dragon and a princess appear on

your pirate ship. As they woke, Jim, the cabin pup, a terrier, brought them some

beer to drink. The Princess was not fond of beer but it was all there was to drink on

the ship. Karl simply helped himself to some cannon powder which seemed to put

him in good spirits.

“Where are you from?” Jim asked through the bars of the brig. Jim had never

known a life off a ship, having been born on the water and lived all his life on a boat

of some kind or another. The Princess smiled as he tried to lick her face.

“We’re from G’Eshi” she petted his face and rubbed his furry tummy, “I’m the

Princess and this is Karl. We’re searching for Scrumpy”

“I don’t know who Scrumpy is but he’s not on this ship” Jim yapped, “I shall

fetch the Captain and he can let you out”

“No need” the Captain’s howl was very distinctive and the sound of his paws

walking in were menacing, “you can go swab the rest of the deck Jim, and when

you’ve finished you can help Flinty repair the nets”

Jim scampered out while the Captain eyed the Princess and her dragon. He

thought the Princess the most beautiful lady he had ever seen but thought better

than to tell her that.

“I’m Captain Canine” he announced but Karl merely snorted at that. The

Captain took off his hat as he was in the presence of a lady and sat on one of the

barrels down there.

“We’ll be on our way” the Princess smiled and though her smile made the

Captain feel more alive than he had in years, he did not soften. He checked the

pocket watch hanging from his waistcoat and looked again. Her smile had an effect

on him that was quite like taking swings of rum. Her smile made him merry and

warm inside and made him want to say things he didn’t even know he could say.

“You’re after our treasure!” roared the Captain, “and you’ll walk the plank

just as soon as my crew have calmed down and stopped chasing their tails”

“We could-!” Karl growled a fiery smoke but saw it useless as the Captain

strode out.

“Well this is rubbish” Karl curled up with his scaly head resting on the

Princess’s lap, “now what?”

“Can you still fly?” the Princess felt Karl’s wings for any broken bones but

couldn’t find any.

“Asdfghjkl” Karl replied, “I’m hungry. Aren’t you hungry?”

The Princess smiled and removed one of her purple boots. She shook some

earth from the boots and then took two small bags from the satchel on Karl’s back.

She loosened the tops of both bags and from them took two seeds. One was green

and one was brown. She placed these each on top of two very small piles of earth and

whispered some magic words to them.

These seeds were not normal seeds. They had been charmed by the Warlock

and when the Princess whispered the magic words they both began to grow before

her very eyes. The first seed grew into a large avocado tree with ripe avocados

hanging from the branches. The second seed grew into a toast tree with pieces of

crispy toast hanging from the vines. Karl used his mighty talons to slice the avocados

and the Princess enjoyed her meal of avocado on toast.

As night fell, the Princess woke when Karl’s tail began to stir.

“I have a bad feeling” Karl whispered to the Princess. Karl was a dragon, the

tamest of all the monsters. Monsters can sense when other monsters are around. The

Princess knew this and decided to warn Captain Canine. She took her tongue

piercing and used it to pick the lock of their cell. They snuck out onto the deck to

find that the crew were frantically running around, preparing for a storm. They could

see great thick clouds gather, like black sheep being herded in by invisible dogs in

the sky. Thunder and lightening were already beginning to shatter over their heads.

The Princess made for the Captain who was at the helm of the ship and in no

mood for escaped prisoners or princesses.

“Princess!” Karl cried, “it’s getting closer, whatever ‘it’ is. I can feel it in my

bones”

“There is no monster coming for us!” the Captain cried, but of course, he was

wrong. Something started shaking the ship, like no wave had ever done before.

“There is something below us!” the Princess cried, “you need to abandon

ship!”

“Life boats!” the Captain barked to his men, “quickly!”

Every dog on the ship worth his salt went immediately for a life boat, the

Captain being last to untie the life boats into the water. The Princess and Karl had to

get into a life boat as well for Karl could not fly in thunderstorms. The Captain and

Long John Silver got into the boat with our two heroes and commanded for his men

to row north. The ocean was not as fair as she might be but they made to a safe

distance before something terrible happened.

All eyes were on the Barkinator. Not a second before the last boat was in the

water did the whole ship get grabbed in the massive arms of an enormous pair of

jaws. Two sea monsters, known better as Ogopogos, rose to the surface and broke

the ship in half as if it were made of twigs. Ogopogos feed on fish and are generally

peaceful but the ship had been so noisy that they couldn’t sleep for they have

extremely sensitive hearing.

Sea monsters are very close cousins to dragons but they live almost forever

and often grow larger than castles. The dogs all held their tails between their legs

and wimpered but the Princess had a better idea than being a coward.

“Karl” she said, “can you tell the sea monsters to bring us to land?”

Karl was quite afraid, for most dragons detest being too near oceans, but

knew that he must be brave for his princess. Karl threw his head under the water

and shrieked as loud as he could to do what the Princess had asked.

“Well?” the Princess asked as Karl brought his head back up for air. Karl

nodded, causing the Princess to give one of her smiles which made her twinkle like

shiny stars in an inky sky.

The two Ogopogos, Red and Bled, had taken Karl’s request down to the

Ogopogo herd where the patriarch, Led, agreed to help the pirates. The slithering

beauties all swam up to the surface and with their flippers as long as the tallest trees

in the world, they scooped the life boats and headed towards the land.

The next morning, the pirates, the Princess and Karl awoke to find that they had

been marooned on the beach of a very large island with many mountains and caves.

What was worse was that the thunderstorm had finally arrived and rain fell from the

sky.

“To the cave!” the Captain ushered them. They all rushed into a small cave

and when the pirates had collected some dry driftwood, Karl lit it on fire to help dry

their clothes. The Princess shivered slightly as she hung up her black coat with the

buckles on the back and her socks which never matched.

“Where are we?” one of the pirates asked but no one knew, not even Long

John. The ship doctor, Snoopy, decided to speak up.

“I saw a house”

Everyone in the cave stared at him wildly.

“He’s stoned as hell!”

“He’s high as heck!”

“He’s drunk as a skunk!”

“He’s tired as feck!”

“He’s nutty!”

“He’s loopy!”

“He’s silly!”

“He’s Snoopy!” the pirates all chorused, but the Princess, with a kinder heart,

asked him where the house was.

“On the top of the hill” Snoopy said meekly.

“You shall show me” the Princess told him, “and we will find food for everyone

and a map and something for you to make a boat with so you can get off this land”

“Then I shall come with you. I suppose. Really?” Karl asked, his massive eyes

looking at the pouring rain.

The three of them borrowed thick coats from the pirates and made their way

up the hill, through the forest and all that time through the rain and before the hour

was up they came to a house. It was an old, bleak house with the paint having long

since peeled off and the windows all boarded up. The Princess raised her fist to

knock on the front door but before her knuckles even touched the wood, the door slid

open. The Princess, Karl and Snoopy looked at each other nervously before they

walked in.

It was dark inside and the rain was falling through the roof and making pools

on the floor. As soon as Snoopy entered, the door slammed shut and no amount of

pushing or shoving would open the door.

“We’ll be fine” the Princess tried to calm Snoopy as he quaked in his boots

but she wasn’t so sure. They had just entered a haunted house.

3. THE GHOST

Adventures are things we play to try and keep Death waiting.

When Aylesham was a child, she was the Secret-Keeper of her village. She was very

scared of speaking, frightened of when so much as a single sentence left her mouth,

that many people simply assumed that she didn’t know how to talk. From lofty

teenagers, reckless with passion to the eldest wise men who needed to share their

stories, they all came to Aylesham in private to whisper to her their secrets. They were

almost always very nice secrets, they were about a boy who had a crush on a girl, or a

husband having a birthday surprise for his wife, but some were terrible secrets of

heartache, betrayal, and all manner of darkness.

One day, Aylesham was bathing in the waterfall under the hill when an old

hag, swaddled in a black hood and tatty dress, beckoned her over. The hag bent over

as far as her hunched back would allow and she spoke to the Secret-Keeper. She

hissed one evil secret, eleven words long, into Aylesham’s ear and then the hag

hobbled away, never to be seen again. The Evil Secret stowed away in Aylesham’s

soul, hiding itself, waiting for the right time.

Aylesham grew up, as some choose to do. She grew into a beautiful woman who

learnt to speak and she left her village in search of adventures. She drifted to one land

where she met Merepool, a great man who worked on a garden which grew the lotus

for the Lotus-Eaters and the two fell in love and after three days, Merepool proposed to

her. They were married in the little cottage they would live in. The two lived in that

little cottage for a very long time and every day, Merepool would tend to the lotus

garden while Aylesham painted pictures or enjoyed sunshine in strolls up the

mountains. They were happy then.

Then one day Merepool was too old and tired to work. The two moved to a house

on a faraway island and though they were still married, they were unhappy. Merepool

made Aylesham cry and Aylesham made Merepool furious that often the two could not

bear to be in the same room.

A maid called Scutari also lived with the couple. She cooked their meals, cleaned

the house and tended to the garden. Scutari was in love with Merepool. She was

young and foolish. Merepool knew Scutari loved him but he was afraid to love her

back. It broke Scutari’s heart to see Merepool miserable with Aylesham but she

couldn’t leave the house because she was too much in love with Merepool. She couldn’t

help but think of him, and every night when she rested her weary head to go to sleep,

she had great dreams where Merepool would be with her forever.

One night, while the three of them slept, the Evil Secret hidden in Aylesham’s

soul had an idea. It crept into Scutari’s dreams and told her what to do to make her

happy, and then it hid in Scutari’s dreams. Then, while making breakfast, Scutari

added in a poisoned grain into the pot of tea and laid it out for Aylesham to drink, but

Aylesham didn’t drink it. Merepool discovered the tea and drank it first. He died

without a single happy thought in his mind.

When Scutari found him, she killed Aylesham in rage. She didn’t understand

why it was Merepool, not Aylesham, who had died. Scutari took a knife and plunged

the blade into Aylesham’s heart. Then she took the same knife and slit her own throat.

“Hallo!” the Princess cried out in the empty house which wouldn’t let them leave, “is

anybody home?”

There was the whispers of the wind streaming through the house but no one

came out to greet them. Snoopy clung behind the Princess’s left leg while Karl blew a

flame onto a candle rolling on the floor. The Princess held up the light but the

darkness clouded the house so thickly that it didn’t reveal anything.

“Come on” the Princess bravely charged through the darkness and walked up

the stairs, each stair creaking like an old woman’s wheezing. The Princess could feel

something watching them but she didn’t tell Karl or Snoopy who were both quite

spooked already.

“There’s something down here” Karl said, his large dragon eyes spotting

something in the left wing of the house, “should we-?”

Before Karl could continue, the three heard a great scream. The Princess and

Snoopy rushed to the right to find whoever was screaming while Karl decided to

investigate what he had found. Dragons aren’t scared easily but what he’d found was

very strange. Karl could sense something behind one green door. He pushed it open

with his nose and found he was in an abandoned bedroom. On the bed, contorted in

a horrible knot, was a dusty skeleton with a cup of tea still gripped in the bones of

his right hand.

The Princess had taken Snoopy with her because Snoopy had clung to her leg. They

dashed down a cellar and into a sort of kitchen. The pots and pans hanging on the

hooks had all rusted holes in them and the food had all turned to dust long ago. As

they entered, the Princess tripped up.

On the tiled surface, there lay two skeletons, a knife lodged in one of them.

The Princess had tripped up over one of these skeletons. She collected Snoopy who

had fainted and kept looking for the screamer.

“Hello?” the Princess held up the candle but found that it had gone out, “can

I help? I’m the Princess and I want to help you…”

The darkness suddenly had gotten a lot colder. The Princess drew her sword,

frightened of whatever it was that was behind her making simpering noises. She

turned around slowly, with her eyes nearly closed, and when she had opened them,

her hair stood on the back of her neck.

It was what looked like a young girl but she glowed brightly and hovered

rather than walked. The Princess realized that if she squinted, she could see straight

through this young girl and see the wall on the other side. The Princess took her

sword and threw it at the girl but it passed through her like a stone through water.

“Get out! Get out!” the Ghost moaned, her shrill unearthly voice piercing the

Princess’s mind. The Ghost’s eyes which had once been clear were turning a fierce

red.

The Princess had the sudden urge to run and hide. She moved quickly to the

front door but it was still jammed. The Ghost followed her, saying the same two

words over and over again.

“We’re not here to hurt you!” the Princess said strongly, “we can help!”

“You must leave!” the Ghost crackled sadly, “or you will hear something so

terrible-!”

The Ghost was interrupted by a jet of fire that darted at the door. The house

was haunted but was still able to be torched in the rain. It was Karl who had seen

the Ghost and tried to fry it with his breath. The Princess grabbed Snoopy, took a

last breath and then jumped through the burning door, tumbling out onto the rainy

outdoors. Karl followed, taking care to avoid the Ghost.

When the three were outside safely, the Ghost smiled and the red in her eyes

left and hovered in the air for a moment, before both the Ghost, and the red

disappeared forever.

The Warlock waited back at the kingdom, puffing on his pipe which spouted a cloud

of smoke that changed colours. It was a beautiful day and he wished more than

anything else that the Princess could be enjoying it with him by the lakeside. He

missed his princess and wanted her to return for he missed her and lacked any

magic in his life without her. He loved her more every day, and worried about the

dangers she might be in. He needn’t have worried but he decided that he would

anyway.

The Princess never found out what she had done. The Ghost of Scutari couldn’t move

on to the other side because the Secret which Aylesham had taken all those years

ago had been still living in her dreams. Scutari was not living, nor dead. When the

Secret saw the Princess, it had tried to move from one girl to another but it could not

leave the house because Scutari’s remains were still inside.

As Scutari’s soul finally disappeared, she smiled and thought of the Princess

with her puppy and her dragon, which had released her from the heavy earth.

The rain soon stopped as the Princess made her way back to the cave where

the pirates were sheltering. The pirates planned to make a raft and sail for the Isle of

Littara, where there was a haven for sea dogs such as themselves. They begged for

the Princess to stay with them and be their new captain (much to Captain Canine’s

disagreements) but the Princess was on a mission and once the sky was clear again,

she rode her flying dragon off again.

Karl was very weak over the last few days so when they came to some land,

Karl had to ground so he could snooze. It was a late afternoon in a cheerful forest so

Karl found a nice smooth rock which was warm from the sunshine and took a nap.

The Princess took her bottle from Karl’s saddle and went to one river to get some

water. She saw a pair of elf children (for when elves grow up, they become pine trees)

play in the river.

When she returned, Karl was gone.

4. THE ELVES

Elves have green skin, pointy ears, and have very sharp and pointy teeth to cut

things, for they do not have fingernails. Elves often keep to themselves for though

they are a mischievous bunch, they often do not like strangers with their strange

ways and clothes. Elves do not know how to turn invisible unlike dwarves, imps,

fairies and warlocks and so they are content in hiding in forests.

Elves do not like fire for many reasons. They are about as tall as your knee so

they cannot put out the fires that spread quickly. They live in a kingdom made

entirely out of cardboard boxes so they do not risk having fires in their towers. For

this reason, elves eat all of their food cold. They drink their tea cold, they have only

salads, nuts and jam and they have immense stores of blankets for winter months to

cushion them against the cold. The softest and fluffiest blankets are made from the

wool of the Feri-feri sheep and these go to the Elf Baron, a portly fellow who wears

long robes and a crown made from pure silver.

The Elf Baron, though his title might suggest, does not rule over the elves. It is

in fact, the Elf Baroness, an ugly elf who long ago decreed that unless she was

obeyed completely and anyone who went against her was taken to the Pond of Eden

and fed to the Salmon of Knowledge. She wore long frilly dresses which did not flatter

her at all, and a tiara made from the finest gold. She demanded presents and in long

winter months when it snowed and no one dare venture outside the kingdom walls in

search of gifts, the Salmon of Knowledge was a very well-fed fish indeed.

It was a bright and sunny day when the Elf Baroness received her greatest gift.

Many elves had hung out washing to dry, let their children swim in the lakes and

found it nice enough to tend their little gardens. An Elf Berry is about the size of a

strawberry seed and there is no other taste like it. The Elf Baroness watched in her

cardboard tower when she saw a red lump being hauled by the entire army with

ropes made by braiding weeds together.

“What is this monstrosity?!” she demanded as she clomped over to Hewt, the

general.

“Tis a gift, Your Royal Highness” Hewt gave a long bow, “we found it upon an

expedition. This, Your Majesty, is a dragon!”

It was an impressive gift and as soon as Hewt had said such words, every child

of the kingdom came rushing, and since there are no elf adults, the entire kingdom

had gathered in the Baron’s court to see a dragon. Dragons are not common in the

Forests of Elfacra and usually thought to be legends.

“Excuse me!” said the feeble, pot-bellied Baron, “but we must make haste

before this dragon awakens”

“You’ll be fine” said a heavenly voice that seemed to echo in the entire

kingdom, “Karl is a heavy sleeper”

With that, the elves screamed in terror as a mighty giant approached them.

She was beautiful, they could see that, but she was taller than their tallest towers.

“I’m the Princess, and that dragon is my friend Karl. I’d like him back”

The Elf Baron had his men make a chair for their visitor by getting them to haul over

a tree stump and had every bottle of lemonade in the kingdom placed into an

enormous saucer for her to drink. The Princess enjoyed their hospitality and it wasn’t

long before many of the Elf bachelors were courting her with songs, and sonnets, and

smooches. This did not sit well with the Elf Baroness, a jealous and violent woman.

“Mraw” the Elf Baroness looked straight in the eyes of her court advisor, “do

you think she’s prettier than me? This giant of a girl who just thunders in and steals

my present?”

Mraw dawdled with her answer, “well, Your Majesty, it isn’t my place to say-”

“Feed her to the Salmon!” the Elf Baroness waved her jeweled cane at the

guards, “now!”

Mraw was taken away protesting while the Elf Baroness sat there fuming at

how beautiful this visitor was. The Elf Baroness came up with an idea to test if she

was better-looking than the Princess.

“O visitor to our kingdom!” the Elf Baroness put on a big smile as she

approached the Princess, “you are so radiant that we must reward it”

The general chatter from the elves stopped as their baroness spoke.

“We shall have a beauty contest” the Elf Baroness said, “just between you

and me”

Low murmurings winded through the crowds. They all were quite aware that

this wasn’t going to end well for someone, and they were hoping very much so that it

wouldn’t be them who met their end.

The Princess was ushered away and expert seamstresses came to make her

dress as gorgeous as possible, with sequins that sparkled because they were from the

scales of Sino Oyals, great glittering beasts which have long since died out. The Elf

Baroness took her lady’s companions where they took great care in making the Elf

Baroness look more appealing but no matter how much make-up they applied or

hair-styling they tried, the Elf Baroness was really an ugly creature.

At sunset, the Princess and the Elf Baroness stood side-by-side at the

kingdom gates.

“Now, who says that the Princess is very beautiful?” asked the Elf Baron. The

reply was a great cheer, full of whistling and whooping.

“Now, er, who says that the Elf Baroness is very beautiful?” asked the Elf

Baron nervously. The elf folk cheered but out of fear.

“Now, who is the most beautiful?” the Elf Baron asked, to which there was

total silence. The Elf Baroness frowned in such a way that her face could sour milk.

The Princess did not mind but felt a great pity to the Elf Baroness.

“But of course, it is you” the Princess said to her rival, “you are far more

beautiful than me”

A general mumbling of agreement from the crowd occurred and the Elf

Baroness smiled at that.

“Oh no she isn’t!” piped up a tiny elf girl. This elf girl was Swern and she was

not more than a week old, “the Princess is much more pretty!”

The crowd made a louder rumbling at this, agreeing with Swern. The Elf

Baroness spat in madness at them and cried loudly. She threw her gold tiara from

her head in a temper tantrum and stamped her feet crossly. From a hidden pouch on

her dress, she took liquid explosives and from the look in her deranged eyes, it was

clear that she would burn down the entire kingdom of cardboard.

“We shall see about that!” the Elf Baroness screeched loudly in such a high-

pitched and whiny voice that it made the Princess wince but for a dragon with

sensitive ears, it was like nails against a chalkboard. Karl awoke from his slumber

and was quite hungry. Easily breaking from the ropes made of weed, he sleepily

waded over to the smell of nitrogen.

“Good evening Karl” the Princess greeted but Karl was still waking up. In his

mighty jaws he grabbed the Elf Baroness who was holding the liquid explosives

which were smelling of Nitrogen, and ate her.

The cheering from the elf folk was one that echoed throughout the whole

forest. A confused Karl wandered over to the Princess, his mind drifting from the

lousy snack he had just had to talking to the Princess.

“Great Princess of G’Eshi, and Karl the Nitrogen Eater” the Elf Baron spoke at a

midnight feast that the elves had catered for, “we are forever in your debt for saving

us from the clutches of the mad old Elf Baroness”

“It was nothing” the Princess said modestly.

“She wasn’t even very tasty” Karl said, who had tucked into a bowl of

Nitrogen soup.

“You must stay!” the Elf Baron pleaded, “for you can tell us the truth and

help us live happily with your beauty!”

“I have a better idea” the Princess offered. She took the gold tiara that had

once been worn by the Elf Baroness and very carefully placed it on Swern’s head.

“You shall listen to Swern from now on” the Princess smiled and the townsfolk

cheered. The full moon soon came out and the Princess and Karl flew off in the night,

where the elves listened to Swern and were happy that they had been visited by the

Princess and the Dragon.

As they flew over the tops of the trees, Karl noted clouds which seemed to glow a

gentle green.

“Princess, those are Scrumpy clouds. We must be getting close!”

“Karl, you are absolutely right but could you not make such long dives?”

They were approaching a mountain that was very tall and unusually,

completely hollow. It collected the Scrumpy rain and through tunnels, poured it

down to a river dug up many years ago which ran all the way to the Kingdom of

G’Eshi. Karl saw a fire down below and decided to land there. When they did, they

found an enormous chubby brown animal with three horns on his head and an old

friend.

“There you are!” the Warlock cried and the Princess could not have been

more surprised.

“I got worried when you didn’t return. You should have come back by now, so

I decided to look” the Warlock explained, “you certainly took your time. This tim’rous

beastie is Rufus by the way. He’s a Triceratops”

Rufus bowed to the Princess as best he could.

“What have you been up to, all this time?” the Warlock asked, feeding Karl

some Nitrogen balls from his pocket, “we’ve all been extremely worried!”

So the Princess told the Warlock about the pirates, the ghosts, and the elves

she had met. The Warlock puffed on his pipe, laughing at parts of the story.

“Well, well; sounds like such an adventure!”

“Urg” Karl commented but before he could do any more than that one

syllable, Rufus sniffed the air and then chirped to the Warlock.

“Hide!” the Warlock said, extinguishing the campfire with a snap of his

fingers. The Princess, the Warlock, Karl and Rufus dove for some very large shrubs

as they felt a great thumping of footsteps approach. In their hiding place, they saw a

great thuggish brute thrice the size of a man, with purple skin and tusks where

cheeks should be lumber across, dragging a wooden club across the ground. The

thing breathed so loudly that it shook the leaves slightly, and it smelt of rotting flesh.

When it was safely gone, the four put the campfire on again and warmed themselves

up.

“What was that?” Karl scrunched his nose at the smell of it. The Warlock

made a very solemn face.

“A troll”

5. THE TROLLS

Trolls are not sophisticated creatures. They cannot really make their own tools or

weapons and have no interest in cooking their food other than to perhaps mash it

into a pulp. They are omnivores, like men, but prefer meat as an occasional treat.

Reptiles are poisonous to them, but they like Warlocks, rabbits and horses when

they can catch them. Fish are also a rare delicacy for them but trolls are not clever

enough to catch them most of the time. Whenever they are born, trolls are always in

triplets and the bond between triplets is sacred.

Trolls are generally quite social creatures and they do not like to cause trouble

for themselves. They are never greedy or selfish if they can help it because they are

not smart enough to think ahead. They like to sing songs and play games of Og-Ball,

a sort of game which is like tiddly-winks but instead of counters, they use stone

slabs.

The troll who passed the Princess near Scrumpy Mountain was called Craag.

He was simply stretching his legs while on-guard and he soon returned to the dam

that his brother and sister had made from great trees yanked out of the ground.

Trolls would later lose their massive size and turn into beavers. Beside the dam in

the river, there was a hut made by the trolls, a square-looking contraption made of a

pulp of mashed stones, tree trunks and a special troll powder which, when hardened,

was as tough as diamond. The hut was not made in pieces, like most men build

houses of brick and mortar, but was just one piece that was then nailed to the

ground. There was even a front porch and a chimney.

“Anyone there?” Schraag, the younger sister, asked her brother as he set his

club down beside him.

“Nope” Craag grunted, accepting a bucket of Scrumpy from his older brother

Draag. Craag didn’t know that the Princess and the Warlock had followed him and

were watching from one of the trees. The three trolls bursts out into one of their

songs which seemed to give them great joy.

We’re happy; we’re jumpy

We’ve stolen all the Scrumpy!

We blocked up the rivers

To satisfy our livers!

We’re the clever trolls who have all the cider, just for us!

And we’ll drink it all, we three, so please don’t make a massive fuss!

Oh isn’t it so yummy?

It feels so funny in my tummy!

We’ll dip our glasses into the stream!

The taste of it is like a dream!

We’re the clever trolls, as sneaky as a sneaky alley cat!

Let’s all raise our mugs and sing- hey-ho, I’ll drink to that!

“So, they’re the ones who have taken our Scrumpy!” the Princess said in a frustrated

whisper, “how dare they? That was meant for everybody!”

She did not whisper softly enough for Schraag perked her floppy ear at the

tree and the Warlock had to grab the Princess away and head back to Karl and Rufus

who were playing in the morning light. Schraag had her fingers around a crossbow

she had stolen from a nearby village.

“What shall we do?” Karl said, his long neck between Rufus’s jaws, “it’s okay. Rufus

is a vegetarian”

“We could trade them something” the Warlock suggested but the Princess,

mad that her kingdom’s supply of cider had been taken by three trolls, was so

annoyed that she came up with a better plan. They had to wait until the next

morning before they could put their plan into action and so Rufus and Karl tussled

playfully like old friends and the Warlock and the Princess spent the day taking long

walks, talking about how the kingdom had missed her, and the Warlock would stop

every so often to perform some piece of magic to try and impress the Princess.

After the trolls had drunken their weight in Scrumpy (gallons and gallons which

could easily knock down even the sturdiest of drinkers), they retired to their hut

where they had blankets woven from dried flax leaves.

As Craag and Draag slept, Schraag still could not feel like they were being

watched so she kept her crossbow with her by her bed. Groggy as she was, she could

still smell smoke filling the hut.

“Craag! Draag! Wake up!”

Karl had been puffing fire down the chimney in order to, quite literally,

smoke them out. The three trolls rushed out of the house just in time before the

entire hut caught ablaze. As soon as they rushed outside, Rufus was there to greet

them and on top of Rufus was the Warlock, and a very annoyed Princess.

“Stay away from our cider” the Princess boomed in the light of the twinkling

stars, “or else I don’t know what I’ll do but you can bet that it won’t be very pretty”

The trolls scattered. Craag ran down the river, Draag ran up the river and

Schraag raced into the forest. Trolls have a great fear of dinosaurs because the

dinosaurs are their natural predator.

When the trolls had dispersed, the four heroes fell about laughing.

“What fun” the Warlock mused.

The Princess patted him on the shoulder, her touch giving the Warlock

goosebumps.

“Surf’s up” she said, as the Warlock drew his thin shiny black wand and with

three swishes of the wrist, commanded the entire dam in the Scrumpy river to fall

apart and the pressure that had built up was suddenly released. Cider sprinted down

the stream with a heady charge.

“We did it” the Warlock smiled at the Princess, taking her hand and the two

watched as the river that they had set out to fix returned to normal. The Princess

was happy and yet saw something shine for a second in one of the trees- the tip of an

arrow heading straight for the Warlock’s heart.

The Princess spun around and instead of piercing the Warlock’s heart, it

pierced the Princess’s heart. Karl blew fire at the tree and out fell Schraag who was

burnt alive but it was all still too late for the Princess.

6. THE WARLOCK

On the journey back, the Warlock was distraught. The universe was not kind enough

to let the Princess live and it was not fair, for the Warlock had loved the Princess and

she was dead and no amount of magic could bring her back to him. When they

arrived at the Kingdom of G’Eshi, there was great sorrow and grief for the Princess’s

death.

The Warlock helped bury her in the castle grounds and then realized that he

must tell the Princess’s twin that her sister had died helping her people so he

traveled to a land very far away, without dragon or dinosaur, until he came to a small

rural village where he found the home he needed to find. He didn’t know how to

explain that she had died saving his life and so he waited silently for answers to

come to him.

While he waited, he saw a little girl with brown hair play with a ball. She was

so like the Princess that she could only be the niece of her. As she played, the

Warlock turned himself invisible so as not to disturb her. The little girl had a merry

time before dropping her ball in the well. Though she tried, she could not reach it for

the well was very deep and very dark. The Warlock felt better as he used his magic to

bring the ball from the pit of the well back to the girl.

That was when the Warlock had his great thought- he would pay penance for

the Princess dying in exchange for his own life. The Warlock remained invisible and

stayed with the little girl, helping her with puzzles, saving her from bullies and vowed

to help her as he would help the Princess. When the little girl grew up and had

children, the Warlock did the same for them and when those children grew up and

had children themselves, the Warlock cared for them to make up for what had

happened all those years ago with the trolls.

The Warlock stayed invisible throughout all that time as he cared for the family of the

Princess like a silent guardian watching over them. He stayed with the family as

magic left the world and great forests were taken down, and smoke and straight lines

and towers made of brick and glass rose up, taller than the clouds sometimes.

Then one day, as he watched one of his wards, he was amazed that when she

stepped into the bright sunlight, her beauty was exactly the same. Her smile could

heal the wounds in people’s hearts, make the night air as warm as day, and make

flowers bloom in the winter chill. For the first time in many ages, the Warlock took off

his invisibility and approached her.

“Excuse me” he said, speaking the first words he had said since he had left

the Kingdom of G’Eshi, “this is very strange but you are spectacularly beautiful.

What is your name?”

The beautiful girl was bemused and almost blushed but she humoured him

for she was as caring and as thoughtful as the Princess from long ago, “my name is

Jess”

The two sat in a park on the bright spring day.

“May I…?” the Warlock was almost embarrassed, “may I tell you a story,

Jess?”

“Okay”

“In the lands before people disagreed too much, there lived a Princess…”

The End.