inside

Page 7 Turn the page Inside somewhere

Malia Obama submits letter of intent to ACU

Nobody cares what we think.

“Hunger Games: the Musical” to premiere at Homecoming 2012

almost Christian University

page π

news opinion theatre

see jump page 2

The Internet is just a fad, we’ll stick to newsprint, thanks.

online

vol. 100, no. ?? Wednesday, march 28, 2012 1 SECTION, multi-paged

Ben MillerMost likely to be late

Slide-and-glide sniper loose in catwalk of Moody

Coliseum after Chapel

Mobile LearningiPhones gain mobility

with new iLegs

university

Decision robot fails tuition challenge

Lucius Pat-NodMiss Frontier Texas!!!!!!

Students trying to nab unearned Chapel credits left Moody missing digits Monday.

Hunter Pawlechek slid into Chapel then left to eat lunch. He returned to com-plete the ‘slide and glide’ only to have a .22 caliber round tear the index fin-ger off his card-carrying hand.

“I was stunned. All I

could think was, ‘I deserve it.’”

Since Monday there have been 12 similar in-cidents. Each victim was either in the act of sliding and gliding or swiping in absentee friends. Most targets lost their dominant index fingers but some women were deprived of their ring fingers.

Students have begun calling the phantom gun-man the ‘Swiper Sniper.’ A few individuals claimed to have seen movement up on

Moody’s catwalk. ACUPD has already searched the building multiple times without success. For the time being, the Swiper Sniper is at large.

The current state of af-fairs has divided campus: those that condemn the vigilante’s conduct and those that support him.

“Who does this guy think he is?” says one out-raged opponent, waving a four fingered hand. “It’s not like we’re breaking the law! Who cares so much about chapel that they’re willing to shoot people’s fingers off!”

Dan McGregor enthu-siastically supports the Swiper Sniper.

“I think it’s awesome

that someone has taken the initiative on this issue. This will improve the over-all integrity of the campus. I’m may start work on a graphic novel to document the rise and impact of the Swiper Sniper.”

Last night a video of a masked individual claim-ing to be the Swiper Sniper was posted to the internet. In the video, the individual attempted to justify the ac-tions of the Swiper Sniper. “Acquiring chapel credit without being present at chapel is an egregious act. Fraud like this will not be tolerated.” The individual went on to say that they will next target a supposed cha-pel credit laundering ring.

Surprisingly, Mark Lew-

is has been rather indiffer-ent about students’ loss of digits. He is optimistic about increased chapel at-tendance. “Overall, more chapel seats have been filled than in the past. You can’t argue with results like that.”

When asked about his official position on the gun-man’s actions, Mark Lewis replied, “I like to think of the Swiper Sniper as Bat-man and I’m Jim Gordon. I don’t exactly condone his actions, but I am willing to work with him.”

President Schubert has an-nounced that ACU’s block tuition pricing will not be increasing the expected 20 percent next school year. The announcement came Monday, during an emergency meeting of the board of trustees.

“Phil surprised us,” said board member Em-mett Delton. “Usually these emergency meet-ings are concerned with other business, such as casting lots for how many Chapel credits will be al-lowed during summit, but tuition issues are usually left to Mr. Coggy.”

Mr. Coggy is a small mechanical toy that has been used to decide the university’s tuition pric-ing since 1987. It works much as a fortune telling machine does. After being wound with a key, the tiny tin robot brief ly walks in a circle before realizing a small strip of paper from its sleeve. The paper con-tains instructions for the board such as “Up ten percent” or “Tack on an-other $50.”

Mr. Coggy’s advice has been followed unques-tionably in years past. This year however, some-thing went wrong.

“Mr. Coggy ran out of paper,” Said a f lustered Schubert. “There weren’t any more instructions, so we decided to let tuition sit where it is until the search committee finds a more qualified tin robot.”

Mr. Coggy’s resigna-tion may have serious consequences for the fu-ture of ACU. “The most far reaching consequence will be how ACU is viewed by incoming students,” said Schubert.

On Wednesday’s Wild-cat Preview Day, high school students were ea-ger to talk about their qualms over the tuition freeze. “Isn’t that kind of cheap?” said local high school student Keegan Wesley. “I mean, that’s just the same old tuition they had last year.”

Future ACU student Christie Hooper also ex-pressed concern over the stagnant pricing. “Isn’t the school improving each year? If it is, why aren’t

you don’t Really want to talk to him

contact lucius at starbucksAround noon

Professors are now accept-ing excused absences vali-dated by diagnoses from webMD.com

This decision was made when ACU responded to SA’s proposal for an on campus casino last month by closing the nursing sta-tion and converting it into a gaming house.

“We were surprised by the Students’ Association’s request. But it’s really a

brilliant idea. The new ca-sino will financially benefit both the university, and the Students’ Association,” said Dr. Phil Schubert.

The president was pres-ent at the grand opening of Matthias’ Lot last Friday and played the first coin at the slot machines.

Dr. Bill Ranking imme-diately noticed an issue. Students no longer had nurses to vouch for their illness related excused ab-sences.

“I saw this as a great op-portunity to expand ACU’s

mobile learning initiative. It’s only natural for stu-dents to use their learning devices for this purpose.”

The myACU mobile site now includes a health tab. In addition to providing in-formation of class times at the Bank and types of food available at the Bean, there is a link directs students to webMD.com.

“Students simply need to evaluate their symptoms and determine what ails them through the site,” ex-plains Dr. Bill Rankin

Some professors were

opposed to this plan, but the vast majority were en-thusiastic.

Dr. Joseph Stevenson is one of the strongest advo-cates.

“Our students are smart. Why shouldn’t they be al-lowed to look after their own health?”

Already, a multitude of lethal maladys have been identified on campus, from ABCD syndrome to Xan-thogranulomatous chole-cystitis. A CORE professor received three excused ab-sence notes from students

stricken with Cholera, Dys-entery, and the Bubonic plague in one day.

Conner Best made a shocking discovering last Monday.

“I woke up with a head-ache and checked webMD. I had Mad cow disease, the last thing I expected.”

Best called his profes-sors, friends and fam-ily informing them of his situation. A few of his best friends met to pray for Best. Miraculously, by 3 pm the SA president made a full re-covery.

English professor Mi-kee Delony received a note from a student who had contracted Vampirism. De-lighted with this revelation, Delony now meets with the student at night.

“I am very excited for this opportunity to inter-view an actually vampire. I already have a paper in the works.”

curriculum

Mobile initiative expands to accept WebMD notesLucius Pat-Nodhe seems alright

SNIPERAT LARGE

THE PESSIMIST

28

01 72

29 30 01Wednesday Thursday Friday Let’s pretend

All day - National Adopt a Rabid Cat Day

8 p.m. President dance-off featuring Dr. Royce “Make it Rain” Money and Dr. Phil Two Left Shoes-bert

All day - Anniversary of first Baptist student enrolled at ACU

3 p.m. All registrations for classes will now occur on the same day. Good luck.

Ice-cream flavors “Reese’s Thesis” and “Mattis Swirl” resign.

2 p.m. Unscheduled power outage will occur across campus

5 p.m. Meeting of Single Seniors support group

Bean releases new ice-cream flavor: Phil Sherbet

All day - Class of ‘62 protests new dance policy @ the Welcome Center Lawn

12 p.m. ACU Men’s soccer tournament

Police Log

Chapel checkup

@acuPESSIMIST

The PLOptimist

PESSIMIST@acu.edu

too

Police Tip of the Week: Even if somebody dares you to touch your tongue to a flagpole during freezing weather, don’t do it. The condensation could crystal-lize, affixing your tongue to the pole and requiring emergency services. How-ever, double-dog dare is another story.

Announcements

ACU’s salon, Samson’s Vice, is now open for appointments. Referrals will be rewarded. Be advised: haircuts may result in loss of strength, heartbreak and imprisonment.

The Student Association’s of-ficer elections have been can-celled after last week’s over-turning of power. SA has now declared itself a dictatorship.

All future nonprofit organi-zations have been banned on account of an overabun-dance of social awareness on the ACU campus.

ACU is offering a new foreign language course, Speaking in Tongues. Only prerequisite is having received the Holy Spirit.

Jeremy Dan Jacques, A.K.A. the Gardner intruder, has cancelled his girls only yoga class due to a lack of open windows at the Student Rec Center. He apolo-gizes for the short notice.

Tryouts for the ACU rowing team begin this Saturday at 7 p.m. at the Faubus Pond in front of the Hunter Welcome Center. Candidates must sup-ply their own boat.

Did you come to dance but realized you didn’t know how? Dance classes are be-ing provided for Church of Christ kids who need a little help finding their groove. Contact Steven Moore for more information.

Jacob’s Dream has now been declared an engage-ment ring-free zone. Stu-dents are prohibited from proposing at Jacob’s Dream in an attempt to encourage creativity. Students are also encouraged to refrain from photo shoots as well.

Sign Sub-T’s petition for the singing of “Highways and Bi-ways” to become mandatory every Chapel held in Moody. The Campus Store is now selling Chacos to appease the pleading of multitudes of Bible majors. Various colors are available.

ACU’s Fight Club is search-ing for new members but is unsure of how to recruit when members are not al-lowed to talk about Fight Club. Contact Tyler Durden for more information.

03/26/12 9:53 a.m. ASSIST: Student called ACUPD for assistance to unlock car. Student’s call received no response and student received no help.

03/26/12 10:00 a.m. BURGLARY: Owner of Jack and Jill’s Donuts reported theft of large amount of donuts. ACUPD was unavailable to investigate. Case ongoing.

3/26/12 10:15 a.m. BURGLARY: Owner of A.M. Donuts reported theft of large amount of donuts. Witnesses described suspects as two men wearing blue. ACUPD remained unresponsive. Case ongoing.

3/26/12 10:37 a.m. FOLLOW UP: ACUPD finally sink their teeth into donut case. Case closed.

Police Log

not good.

In an earlier edition of the Pessimist we incorrectly reported SAPresident Connor Best had diverted $4.5 million in Student Associationfunds to an offshore checking account in Montenegro. That was nottrue. What we intended to say was the women of GATA will be sellingpies in the campus center Thursday and Friday. Get one while it’s hot.We regret the error.

Corrections

The FilmFest story in the March 21 edition was written in the wrong tense.

In the November 21 edition, in the advisory against running with scissors story, there was a dangling participle in the second sentence of the fifth graph.

In the last edition of the Pessimist, we incorrectly reported freshman flisted the half-ton Bible from the basement of the library. This did not happen.

In the Dec. 24 edition, we reported Santa Claus was coming to town. We didn’t see any evidence of this because our parents gave us our presents instead.

Jump: Robot resigns postthey charging more mon-ey?”

The ACU Office of Stu-dent Increasement said that many potential Wild-cats had similar questions.

“They’re wanting to know why they’ll be pay-ing the same as last year’s students. It doesn’t make sense to them, and they’re a little wary,” said enroll-ment guru Kelly Smith. “A lot of the high school

kids we call during din-ner have expressed to us that they’re not looking for a 2011 education with 2011 prices.”

But 2011 prices are all that will be offered at ACU this fall, causing enroll-ment estimates to reach as lower than ever.

“We’re looking at 102 kids, maybe 103. Maybe only five will actually be excited to be here.” Said Smith.

“ More than ever to-

day’s youth need to be on the cutting edge of edu-cation. And if our prices aren’t cutting deeper each year, we just won’t be taken seriously,” said Schubert as he looked through a catalog of an-tique wind-up toys. “If we can’t find another Mr. Coggy soon, the future will be difficult indeed.”

university

contact miller atnotbenmiller@acu.edu

continued from page 1

New cell service beams calls to subspace

Hot on the heels of the launch of the new iPhone 5GSUV, AT&T announced a new network service that might revolutionize the way we use our phones, again. The new network technolo-gy, revealed in a last minute press conference at yester-day’s Consumer Electronics Barbecue by AT&T spokes-woman Granny Spammer, is called 4G-SUS.

“The SUS stands for Subspace Underlying Sig-nal,” said Spammer. With this technology, voice and data from one mobile de-vice gets beamed into an-other dimension, known as “heaven,” and comes back into our world on the other person’s mobile device. Since the signal doesn’t have to travel any-where on Earth, it won’t suffer from wireless spec-trum pollution. Spammer explains, “This makes the voice quality simply, ‘im-maculate!’”

It also provides the fast-

est traveling data speeds imaginable. AT&T Network Engineer Samuel “Speedy” Gonzales said, through a translator, that the same technology that phases the data into subspace shoots it faster than the speed of light. “Now you can proph-ecy what someone is going to say before it happens.” beamed Gonzales.

Also, in a move very unlike AT&T’s “newer is better” approach, older phones, even last iPhones, can be retrofitted with subspace transmitters and receivers in a procedure known as a “come to G-SUS meeting.”

However, the technol-ogy is far from ready for primetime. According to testing reports of an early prototype codenamed “GOSPEL,” some transmit-ters got so hot that tongues of fire began to appear and rest on each of the testers. The fire was harmless, though an unintended side effect of this allowed the user to speak in other tongues.

Other instances of spon-taneous generation have happened while using 4G-SUS. When used too close to water, it begins to fer-ment and turn into a wine-like substance. Also, lab rats exposed to subspace radia-tion were instantly cured of any ailments. Some dead rats were even reported to come back to life.

Kyle Dickson, director of ACU’s digital media center, is looking forward to using this technology to further the Mobile Learning Thing-amajig. “4G-SUS just seems a natural fit for a connected community like ACU,” said Dickson, “and it really is the all-in-all when it comes to communication.”

mobile initiative

Blaine DoubletaryThe Guy who keeps Teh sitez online

contact doubletary atfairyprincess@acu.edu

Volunteers with specific skill sets are needed to help with a bank heist. Those interested must feel at peace with breaking the law and possible incarceration. You must be able to adapt to answering to a code name. Unfortunately, the plcae, date and time that you will be needed cannot be added for obvious reasons. Draw an “X” on your door if you are inter-ested. They will contact you.

The Abilene nursing home is in need of volunteers to bathe their elderly patients. As incentive, volunteers will be allowed to race wheelchairs when they have finished their job. They will work very hard with your sched-ule to make bathing naked patients possible for you. Contact Cindy Scrubbard at 325-267-1761 for more information.

The South Side Gang of Abilene needs help delivering a package. Volunteer would simply pick up an unmarked package at a disclosed location and drop of the package to another disclosed location. A person dressed in black and wearing Oakley

sunglasses will receive the package and hand the volunteer an envelope. This envelope must be returned to the South Side Gang. If you feel con-fident you can complete these tasks correctly and stealthily, please write your contact information in spray paint under the Martin Luther King Jr. Bridge.

The emperor is now accepting ap-plications for new recruits to work on the soon to be fully armed and operational Death Star. Candidates should be warned: this job is very dangerous and the required armor will not protect your from anything. No prior skill or knowledge is needed on account of the menial tasks expected of you including standing guard at various doors, inadequately searching ships, being fooled by Wookies and generally acting as a shooting target for the good guys.

ACU’s Fishing Club is looking for volunteers to gut and clean their fish on Fridays at 5 p.m. Volunteers might also be told to “go jump in a lake.” This is not just an idiom. They mean it.

Straughn to fill every open role as interim

Dr. Greg Straughn, interim provost, has reached an agreement with the univer-sity to fill every vacant role on campus on an interim basis for the next five years.

Prexy Phil Schubert said this agreement will stream-line the job-search process during transition periods.

Straughn, former and future interim dean of the College of Arts and Scienc-es, said it was an opportu-nity he couldn’t pass up.

“This will give me ex-posure to new areas of the university,” said Straughn, interim women’s basketball coach. “Some of these jobs I didn’t even know existed.”

Straughn, interim ACU police officer and interim director of the new en-gineering program, will serve as interim director of leadership camps, in-terim admissions coun-selor and interim heat-ing and air conditioning technician.

“The biggest challenge will be having so many bosses,” said Straughn, interim irrigation techni-cian in the Department of Physical Resources and interim professor of mar-riage and family therapy. “Unfortunately, most of my time will be spent in job evaluations.”

staffing

Denim DanJeans enthusiast

contact Dan atthe wrangler store Straughn

Volunteer Opp0rtunities

Samuel “Speedy” GonzalesAt&t Network engineer

Now you can prophecy what someone is going to

say before it happens.”“

olds

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tran✍quility, provide for the common de✍fence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Lib✍erty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and es✍tablish this Con✍stitution for the United States of America.

All legisla✍tive Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Con✍gress of the Unit✍ed States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representa✍tives.

The House of Representatives shall be composed of Members cho✍sen every second

Year by the People of the several States, and the Electors in each State shall have the Qualifica✍tions requisite for Electors of the most numer✍ous Branch of the State Legisla✍ture.

No Person shall be a Representa✍tive who shall not have attained to the Age of twenty five Years, and been seven Years a Citizen of the United States, and who shall not, when elected, be an In✍habitant of that State in which he shall be chosen.

R e p r e s e n t a ✍tives and direct Taxes shall be ap✍portioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, ac✍cording to their respective Num✍bers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole

Number of free Persons, includ✍ing those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all oth✍er Persons. The actual Enumera✍tion shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Con✍gress of the Unit✍ed States, and within every subse✍quent Term of ten Years, in such Man✍ner as they shall by Law direct. The Number of Repre✍sentatives shall not exceed one for every thirty Thou✍sand, but each State shall have at Least one Rep✍resentative; and until such enu✍meration shall be made, the State of New Hampshire shall be enti✍tled.

humpday 03.28.12?

All it took was one swipe for the whole thing to come

crashing down. “No one saw it coming,”

said Mark Smith, next year’s editor in chief. “It was all I could do to just get out of there.”

Smith was recounting the events of Monday evening, March 26, a night that will live in infamy. On that night, a masked villain known only as SMA-MAN led an over-

throw of the Optimist. Somehow the Optimist’s

newsroom card-swipers had failed to keep out the assail-ants. Once the only line of defense was compromised, it was mere minutes until SMA-MAN had taken control.

SMA-MAN was joined by members of the Optimist’s rival on-campus news source KACU.

“We have been over-looked for too long,” said SMA-MAN’s spokeswoman Julie Coppedge. “Radio killed the newspaper star.”

Tensions have been building between KACU and The Optimist for years, but even those closest to the situation weren’t expecting it go this far.

“There were signs, sure. But a full out attack? That was something we wouldn’t have imagined KACU was capable of,” said Cheryl Bacon, chair of the Depart-ment of Journalism and Mass Communication.

SMA-MAN is no stranger

to ACU’s campus. Usually seen at parties or on campus dance events, SMA-MAN has always appeared to be a fun-loving character. Most students thought it was un-usual to see a masked man around campus, but every-one assumed he was one of the good guys, not a villain.

Blane Singletary, the KACU ambassador for the Optimist who was in charge of keeping the peace, wasn’t present for the attack.

“I was in my apartment jamming to some music,” Singletary said. “When I got to the newsroom, it was too late.”

Singletary also offered up some advice for those look-ing to try to rebel against SMA-MAN.

“He is strong, and can-not be easily overcome,” Singletary said. “He wears the mask so no one knows his true identity. He could be anyone.”

SMA-MAN and his cro-nies are still holed up in

the newsroom, and are us-ing it as their headquarters for all operations. All of the trademark glass windows of the newsroom have been blacked out and the only sounds coming from the room are custom made song mash-ups.

Since the overthrow, a new newspaper has been created by SMA-MAN to compete with the Optimist on-campus. Titled Eye On Entertainment, the paper claims to be a spicy alter-native to the mundane that has become the Optimist.

Hannah Barnes, editor in chief, said she and her staff are planning a counter attack, but are just waiting for the right moment.

“We have to find his weakness,” Barnes said. “Once we do, we have the intelligence to outsmart those radio fools.”

HANNAH BARNESeditor in absence

austin gwindates people his own age

The Optimist’s academic adviser was removed from his position Fri. for the newspaper’s consistent poor use of AP style.

Kenneth Pybus, J.D., was student media advisor for 6 years until the Asso-ciated Press Policing Divi-sion cited him after repeat-ed mistakes were found in issues of the Optimist the past few years.

Pybus maintains his

innocence.“It’s not me, it’s the

copy editors,” says Pybus. “They’re responsible for finding style errors, not me. I just come in to the news-room and tell the page edi-tors to completely change the layouts of their pages.”

Pybus will be evalu-ated by Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, to discuss the associate professor’s future at ACU. Schubert declined to spec-ulate whether Pybus will continue to teach.

Dr. Cheryl Bacon, chair

of the JMC department, said she isn’t surprised Pybus ran into trouble with AP.

“When he was the editor of the Optimist in 1988-89, he published all kinds of errors and mistakes,” Ba-con said. “It’s been a long

time coming. He still ab-breviates March and April. I mean, who does that?”

Pybus is only the sec-ond adviser in the U.S. to receive the citation from the Associated Press. The first was Dana Carvey, the adviser at AP’s own college, Associated Press Universi-ty. Carvey, who played the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live, was the student newspaper adviser at APU before performing in skits on SNL. In 1984, Carvey was removed from the university for allowing AP

style errors to be printed.Pending Schubert’s de-

cision after meeting with Pybus, AP could re-evalu-ate the removal if Schubert decides Pybus will remain teaching at the university. Pybus said he is hopeful AP will reconsider the de-cision and reinstate him, even if it were on a proba-tionary basis.

“I really want to con-tinue in my position as ad-viser,” Pybus said. “There’s just something about help-ing cover campus and local news that gives me a thrill.”

Cade White, multimedia adviser for the JMC Net-work, said he’s excited to see his responsibility, and paycheck, grow as a result of Pybus’s removal.

“Kenneth was a good guy but he allowed too many problems to arise,” White said. “Now it’s my turn. To advise, not to allow too many problems to arise.”

For more information about AP style, visit ap-stylebook.com.

cheryl baconchair, department of journalism &

mass communication

He still abbreviates March and April. I mean,

who does that?”“Mark Smithbaby face

contact gwin atliterally any sporting event

contact barnes atballetprincess47@hotmail.com

Reports have surfaced that another dorm has been hit in the recent trend of intruders on campus. A Mabee resi-dent found an intruder laying on the couch and watching television in a friend’s room at about 7:30 p.m. Friday. The 26-year-old woman smiled and introduced herself to the student.

Steven Tucek, freshman business major from Den-ton, was going to borrow class notes from a friend on the second floor of Mabee Residence Hall. He said the door was unlocked and he was surprised to find a wom-an in the room.

“At first I was taken aback and a little scared,” he said. “But then I figured that she seemed really nice and I had never really hung out with a girl this old before. Especially someone this hot.”

The intruder, Lauriane Gaillard, recently moved to the United States from Swit-zerland to pursue her career as a model. She was not avail-able for comment as to how she ended up in the room.

After introducing himself

and a short conversation with Gaillard, Tucek learned that she was “really into Call of Duty.” The two began to play video games and hang out in the room.

“It was great,” said Tucek. “It was like we were best friends. She laughed at all my jokes and was really fun. I think she may even like me a little.”

Word soon spread through Mabee that a female was in the dorm. Crowds began to gather around the room and the model that lay on the couch inside.

“I didn’t believe them at first,” said Peter Johnston, freshman biology major from Port Arthur. “But when I when I went down to the room there she was, just lying there playing video games. She was beautiful.”

Johnston, like many oth-ers, quickly formed a sign-up sheet to play with her next. Nearly 200 freshmen boys flooded the hall around Gail-lard. However, no one called the police.

“We didn’t receive any reports of the incident,” said ACU Police Chief Jimmy El-lison. “It wasn’t until one of our student workers saw pic-tures on Facebook and Twit-

ter of students playing ping-pong and watching TV with the intruder”

By the time police were aware of the situation, Gail-lard had already said good-night to the adoring fresh-men and left the building.

However, Ellison was able to track her down on Saturday.

“No charges were pressed by the students but we still reserved the right to charge her for Class-A trespass-ing,” Ellison said. “However, after a charming conversa-

tion I released her with just a warning. She was really such a nice girl.”

Ellison reminds students to keep their doors and win-dows locked when they are not present.

“Men can be very creepy,”

said Ellison, “and it would have been a shame if that was some weird man who had snuck in.”

david singerarts editor

contact singer at1309 piedmont drive

leslie lewis Staff Photographer

ABOVE: Zeke Morgan, freshman psychology major from Keller, won three straight games while playing ping-pong with the model/intruder. INSET: ACU Police’s mugshot of Gaillard, taken candidly in natural light.

mandy lambright chief Photographer

Editor Hannah Barnes and Managing Editor Mark Smith fend off underlings.

Annual S.A. budget released

Female intruder in Mabee, no charges filed

Optimist advisor arrested for style infranction

Masked man leads KACU in coup of newsroom

contact smith atthe office. the tv show, that is

wednesday 03.28.12 :)epilogue

ben millersecretary of hats

Beck found living in ChambersIn a surprising turn of events, Dr. Richard Beck has been found to actually be homeless, residing in Chambers Hall, not the dis-tinguished psychology pro-fessor everyone believed him to be.

Freshman psychology major Elizabeth Hendrix stumbled upon Beck’s liv-ing quarters when she took a wrong turn in the bottom floor of Chambers.

“It’s easy to get lost down there, and it wasn’t the first time it had happened to me,” Hendrix said. “I went into a classroom looking for a way out and was sur-prised to find Dr. Beck doz-ing on a pile of blankets in an old storage room. It looked like he’d been living there for a while.”

Hendrix immediately went before President Dr. Phil Schubert and reported what she had discovered. When Dr. Schubert inves-tigated the matter, various inconsistencies regarding the legitimacy of Dr. Beck began to emerge. In fact, it soon became clear that there was no evidence in the slightest that Beck was qualified to be a professor.

“He fooled us all,” Schu-bert said. “He spoke with such authority and elo-quence that we all assumed he was qualified. I mean, he was even writing a book. If that’s not professor mate-rial, I don’t know what is.”

An inquiry is ongoing to discover the flaws in ACU’s hiring process.

In the light of this discov-ery, other things become clear. Beck’s unkempt ap-pearance has always been attributed to his eccentric personality and his desire to be welcoming to the out-siders of society, but now it is evident that he himself is the outsider.

The question does arise, how has Beck been surviv-ing on campus?

“I’ve been sneaking into dorms to steal everything I need- toiletries, snacks and even the occasional snazzy vest. It’s actually quite easy

to do,” Beck said. “I am hon-estly astounded that no one found me out sooner.”

ACU’s administration is conflicted on the proper way to deal with this situ-ation, however, because they do not want to become

modern day Pharisees and fall into the pit of purity psychology, the very subject that Beck fervently speaks out against.

“Beck’s powerful lectures pertaining to society’s reluc-tance to associate itself with

people that are ‘unclean’ challenged me,” interim provost Dr. Greg Straughn said. “I am now fearful that if we ask Dr. Beck to leave then we will be ostracizing an outsider, which is some-thing I want to avoid.”

For the time being, Beck will continue his duties as a professor and a resident of Chambers.

marissa joneswalk-on

mandy lambright CHIEF Photographer

Dr. Richard Beck, chair of the Department of Psychology, offers to psycho-analyze passersby in Chambers Hall. Beck was discovered living in the bottom floor of the building and is charging $2 per session.

contact miller bycarrier pigeon

With prexy in place, what’s the point in pledging?

A rift has developed among members and alumni of social club Galaxy over whether the club should bother to rush and admit pledges in the fall now that the university is firmly in control of former Moonie members.

Galaxy president Gra-ham Sensing confirms con-tention exists but says the group is working to reach agreement over rounds of golf and hands of poker.

“Some say we should focus on solidifying power while others say we need to develop the next generation of leadership,” Sensing said. “Both sides make some good points. And both sides pay their dues on time, so it makes it that much harder to decide.”

Galaxy insiders say since the club’s founding in 1954, a primary goal has been to put a former member in the president’s office. And now that one-time Galaxy mem-ber Phil Schubert has as-cended to the post of prexy and placed Moonie confi-

dants in other prominent positions of power, adding new members is mostly moot, some argue.

Indeed, Dr. Schubert’s closest advisers include Dr. Gary McCaleb, vice president and ‘61 pledge class, and Kevin Roberts, ‘85 pledge class. Other for-mer Galaxy members in top leadership of the university include College of Arts and Sciences Dean Dr. Charles Mattis, ‘78 pledge class, Chief Enrollment Officer Kevin Campbell, ‘97 pledge class, Director of Alumni Affairs Craig Fisher, pledge

class of ‘88, and Dr. Mark Phillips, director of Schu-bert’s Horizon Initiative, 85 pledge class.

Schubert, pledge class of ‘88, is the first Galaxy mem-ber to lead the university. Dr. John Stevens, eighth president of the university, as a student in the 1930s was a Sub T-16 member. His successor, Dr. William J. Teague, was a Frater So-dalis member. And most re-cent former prexy Dr. Royce Money pledged the now-defunct Knights.

Despite the prepon-derance of former Galaxy

members among Prexy Schubert’s cabinet and elsewhere in university administration, the mi-nority who never pledged the club insist they don’t feel left out.

Suzanne Allmon, senior adviser to the president, whose gender kept her out of the Moonie ranks, says the proliferation of Galaxy members has produced only a few problems.

“In some of our meet-ings, there’s almost no time to get anything done because everybody has to go around the room giving

that silly secret handshake,” Allmon said. “They taught it to me, though, so it’s OK.”

And another of the few non-Moonie administra-tors, Harding-educated COBA Dean Rick Lytle, says his outsider status hasn’t been a problem, either.

“Come on, I’ve been wearing khakis and blue blazers since I was in sec-ond grade,” Lytle said. “Just look at me: I’m a nat-ural Nova.”

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Band and choir music replaced by slides

ACU’s bands and choirs are transitioning into a new way of learning music – PowerPoint slides. “It’s innovative, it’s cost-effective and most impor-tantly it’s easy,” said John Palunski, Dean of Bands and Choirs.

Palunski said the university traditionally spends between $23,000 and $49,502 on sheet mu-

sic, not including pencils.The new PowerPoint

method will cut nearly all of the costs associated with sheet music and pencils.

The PowerPoint slides will feature the title of the piece in a bold, yellow sans-serif typeface. The rest of the slide will show the lyrics of the song with occasional musical clues such as “women echo” or “raise pitch.”

For the ACU bands and other instrumental ensem-bles, it gets a bit trickier.

“We’ll have the vari-ous instrumental sections sounds written in differ-ent colored text,” Palun-ski said. “For example, the brass section’s ‘lyrics’ will be orange, the woodwinds’ in green, and so on.”

The change is not with-out controversy. Band and choir directors have ex-pressed concern over mu-sical accuracy.

Big Purple Band Chan-cellor Steven Ward said, “I’ve seen some of the slides, and they just say

‘ba bada ba’ for the trum-pets and ‘do doodi do’ for the clarinets. It seems like a recipe for a lot of laugh-ter, followed quickly by unaccreditation.”

Choir Kingpin Sean Pullen yelled, “I’ve never heard anything come from reading slides that I would classify as music.”

Others have looked at the change more positively.

“I don’t really look at the notes anyway,” said choir member Brad Muller, freshman music major

from Austin. “I listen to what other people are sing-ing, and then sing it really quickly afterwards. I don’t think anybody can tell.”

Palunski said the con-cerns are unfounded.

“Our media experts will be superimposing the text onto pictures reflecting the meaning of the piece, to get our performers into the spirit of things,” he said.

Palunski went on to say that the new system had been tested before with great results.

“Our audiences and the accreditation committee won’t get anything sub-par,” he said. “After all, we’ve been making mu-sic with the same meth-ods in chapel for years. If it’s good enough for God, the author of music itself, it is surely good enough for mortal audiences and judges.”

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psychology

Faculty voted Tuesday to overhaul CORE curriculum replacing all classroom time with ab workouts. Changes are effective at the beginning of the fall 2012 semester.

“Widespread dissat-isfaction with the CORE showed us that we needed a change,” said Christina Campos, assistant pro-

fessor of communication and Honors Studies. “The job market is tough. We want students to have a chance in the world. We are prepared to make all the changes necessary to send students out of ACU as educated Christian leaders with washboard abs.”

CORE was implement-ed in its original form in 2010 to provide freshmen with a common experience and teach them to think critically, but the adminis-

tration made a mistake by implementing a program designed to teach fresh-men, Campos said.

“We mistakenly thought the secret to education was in the classroom,” Campos said. “We thought the fresh-man experience needed to be about feigning alertness during an excruciating lec-ture, writing and sourcing a 10-page paper the night before it is due, and fitting the maximum amount of rage into 160 characters.”

Campos said critical thinking is not a necessary part of education.

“We know that not all of our students mentally ca-pable of getting a good job after graduation, so we fig-ured we owed them a back up plan,” Campos said. “This will give them a leg up for a career as an exotic dancer.”

Dr. Richard Beck, chair of Department of Psycholo-gy, said this will change the way he lectures to students.

“I’m one of the most popular CORE speakers,” said Beck. “But as you see I don’t have experience with ab workouts. To prepare for the class and keep my posi-tion as most popular pro-fessor, I’ve been watching a lot of Richard Simmons videos on YouTube and supplementing my ward-robe with tube socks and tank tops.”

Nikki Nipper, sopho-more family studies major from Boston, thinks the

new CORE will set ACU apart from all of the other universities.

“I know that ACU re-ally cares about my future because of the new CORE, Nipper said. “It would be easy for university lead-ers to say giving me a good body isn’t their responsibil-ity, but they care enough to give me a six-pack.”

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CORE curriculum change to ab workoutscore