The Mother of Tests

8/7/2019 The Mother of Tests.

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The Mother of Tests

Balancing Islam with Difficult Parents

We’ve all been there. That situation where our parents are displeased with us for choosing tostudy a subject other than Medicine or Engineering at university. Or, opposing our choice ofpartner who is deemed to be ‘unsuitable’ because they’re from a different culture or caste.We seem to get through these situations one way or another. But how do we deal withpracticing Islam whilst our family and friends refuse to understand our newfound ways?Exchanging friends is much easier than changing our families. So how should one tackle such asensitive and potentially volatile state of affairs?

Allah (swt) tells us in the Qurán:‘Worship Allâh and join none with Him (in worship), and do good to parents…’(Surah An-Nisa; v. 36)Therefore, we are supposed to worship Allah and be good and dutiful to our parents. It’s prettyclear-cut and straightforward, right? Wrong. It’s actually not as straightforward as we would likeit to be. There is a profound emphasis on obeying one’s parents within Islam, however first andforemost, we are all in pursuit of Allah’s Pleasure. This can only be obtained by following HisCommands and following the example of His Messenger, Prophet Muhammad (saw):‘Say (O Muhammad (saw) to mankind): “If you (really) love Allâh then follow me, Allâh will loveyou and forgive you your sins…’

(Surah Ál-Imran; v.31)So when a brother or a sister is in a situation where they are being asked to take off their hijab

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or shave off their beard, what should they do? Should they disobey their parents and go againsttheir demands, or should they disobey Allah and comply with their parents’ desires?Although obeying Allah’s command is our ultimate priority in this life; when confronted with sucha situation, I have heard about many brothers and sisters reacting very harshly to their parents,

to the extent of breaking ties with them. Instead of explaining to their parents that they can’t goagainst Allah and His Messenger, they hurt them by lashing out at them, which usuallyculminates in a huge argument. This totally goes against the attitude that Islam teaches us withregard to treating our neighbours, let alone our parents. Of course, we would all love to haveparents who support us throughout the thick and thin of our Islamic improvement. But have weever stopped to think that their antagonism towards their ‘reborn’ Muslim child might be partlyattributable to the child’s conduct with them?I recently attended a seminar based on the Islamic ideals of a family, part of which dealt withchildren’s duties towards their parents. SubhanAllah, it is amazing how much is due to ourparents, even if they’re non-Muslim, and yet, we still don’t treat them the way they deserve to be

treated.‘Abdullah Ibn ‘Umar saw a Yemeni man performing Tawâf while carrying his mother on his bac

k. This man said to Abdullah Ibn ‘Umar, “I am like a tame camel for her! I have carried her morethan she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn ‘Umar?” Abdullah Ibn ‘Umarreplied, “No, not even one labour pain when she was giving birth to you!” ‘(Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad and authenticated by Al-Albaani)I guess the million-dollar question is: how do we find the balance between being dutiful to ourparents without losing our patience with their antagonism, and being true worshippers of Allah?All it requires is love and patience. Many of us take our parents for granted, expecting them tounderstand our slant on the deen. Some of them have grown up knowing Islam through theirparents and relatives, or doing things because ‘imaam-sahib said so’. If they’re not Muslim, thenthey might not know anything about Islam or, due to politics and misconceptions in the media,even hate it. We need to learn how to deal with this in the most sensitive manner possiblebecause, in the zeal of our youth, it is very easy to lose our cool when talking to our parentsabout something of which we feel so ardently.When people hate or dislike something we do, it’s mainly because they don’t understand why

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we’re doing it. To make the situation worse, if we react badly to our parents’ disapproval of ourpractice of Islam, it only makes them think badly of the way we are following Islam or oursimilarly ‘Islamic’ friends. To avoid such a situation even arising, I believe we should begin byexplaining our basis for changing our ways in a loving manner.

Some people are insensitive to their parents’ personalities, especially when it comes to what isimportant to them. I know of someone whose father really loves music, which has been a causeof conflict between parent and child for several years resulting in heated arguments and thechild being disrespectful to their father. What this person initially started off doing for the sake ofAllah actually ended up displeasing Allah due to not being able to practice the basic Islamicetiquettes with their own parents.A tried and tested way to get your point across is a five-step plan:1. Think about the issue that is most important to you.For example, if you are worried about having to attend a mixed gathering full of free-mixing andthe fact that your parents don’t pray salah regularly, then filter through what is most important to

you first. In this case, salah is far more important, so it is necessary to talk about that first. Pickyour battles carefully.2. Knowing what your parents are receptive to.If your mother loves receiving flowers, then do that for her before you speak to her. Tell her howmuch you love her and that you want the best for her in the dunya and the akhirah. And then goon to tell her about the importance of salah, its benefits and what it means not to pray.‘Mum, I really love you and I want you to atta

in the highest ranks of Jannah, and I feel that following Allah’s Commands are the only way forus to do that. I truly want you and Dad to experience eternal happiness.’The above is an example, but what I am trying to highlight is the importance of observing yourparents’ needs before you approach them with something so sensitive. They’ll appreciate youfor paying attention to their little likes and dislikes.3. Keep your cool.In such situations, parents might get annoyed at the fact that their child, whom they havebrought up and whom they have taught everything he or she knows, is telling them how to livetheir lives. They will get upset or argue with you, but at such times, the best thing to do is just

step back and keep quiet. Don’t say anything until they’ve calmed down a little. Mostimportantly, don’t lose your temper. Not only will it undo everything you have done so far, you

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will also accrue sin for being rude to your parents.4. Maintain good adab.Good manners are observed by everyone, especially your parents. Being helpful, polite andtending to their needs around the home may help them realise that they have been blessed with

a righteous child. Sometimes we are so engrossed in our own lives that we end up ignoring ourparents. If you don’t live with your parents for whatever reason, try to visit them more often thanonce a month or send them gifts (like that non-stick saucepan set your mother always wanted).Islam teaches us to be well-mannered; it’s inherent within the deen. In fact, I feel that the moredevout a Muslim becomes, the better his manners should be towards his family. Lead byexample.5. Lastly, don’t lose hope.

Guidance is only within Allah’s Power, not our own. You can keep repeating steps 1-4, but atthe end of the day, only Allah will give your parents and family hidayah. Make sincere du’a forthem, be good to them and keep trying. Be an example to everyone around you and keep yourintentions pure. Persev erance is key. TheProphet (saw) never gave up on his uncle, Abu Talib, not even till the day he died. Evenwhen it seemed like he might just accept Islam on his deathbed, Abu Jahl reminded him of the

loyalty towards his forefathers’ religion. Despite that, the Prophet (saw) continued asking Allah(swt) for forgiveness for hisuncle, until he received the revelation that asking forgiveness for the mushrikun is notpermissible.‘It is not (proper) for the Prophet and those who believe to ask Allâh’s Forgiveness for theMushrikûn (polytheists, idolaters, pagans, disbelievers in the Oneness of Allâh) even thoughthey be of kin, after it has become clear to them that they are the dwellers ofthe Fire (because they died in a state of disbelief).’ (Surah at-Tawbah; v.113)However, when asking Allah for guidance, do not underestimate the power of du’a. Don’t give

up.

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The Mother of Tests

We will all experience this at some point in our lives, but we should view these obstacles astests. Allah (swt) never burdens His slaves with more than they can bear and ultimately, weshould use such tests as a way of coming closer to Him.I leave you with a thought-provoking story.

There was once a father and son. When the father reached old age, the son began thinkingabout the inheritance money that would be due to him upon his father’s death. His greedeventually overcame him and he became impatient, as it seemed his father’s demise would notbe imminent. He therefore devised a plan to murder his father, and on a quiet night, approachedhis father’s bedside as he slept. He tied his father up and carried him to a nearby bridge. As hewas about to throw him off the bridge, his father stopped him and calmly said to him, “Son,before you throw me off, just walk a couple of yards to your right for that is where I threw myown father from this very bridge.”Ultimately, what we do to our parents will be done to us by our children.May Allah (swt) guide us all. Ameen.

Contributed by Sister. Wafa Hafiz

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The Mother of Tests