The Moses's Speech

8/7/2019 The Moses's Speech

1/21

THE MOSES'S SPEECH

Written by

Mesch & Cod

Based on, Torah


2/21

As always it is a pleasure bringing you our take on thePassover story. It is our hope that year/script number 6brings you just as much joy as years 1-5.

Happy Pesach,Mesch & Cod

Cast List for The Moses Speech*In order of how bad youd want it if you were a middleschool girl and this was the spring musical.

Moses

Geoffrey HaShanah

Lady Tzi Tzi

Pharaoh (The Situation)

Aaron

Nachshon

Rachel Barry

Will Schuster

Burning Bush

Egyptian Task Master

Carl

Israelite #1

Israelite #2

Israelite #3

Israelite #4

Egyptian Man

Egyptian Woman

Israelite Woman

Israelite Mafia Man

Miriam

Elijah


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EXT. SLAVES QUARTERS IN EGYPT - NIGHT

The Israelites are gathered around to hear a speech. 9plagues have swept over the Egyptians and they await

instructions on how to avoid the 10th plague, which rumor hasit is death of the first born.

INT. SLAVE HEADQUARTERS

MOSES, handsome and speaks in a British accent, sits lookingover his speech written on papyrus. AARON, his properlybearded older brother, enters the room.

AARONThe Israelites are ready for you

Moses.Moses stares off into the distance in epic fashion.

AARON (CONTD)Moses, its time.

Moses gets up and follows Aaron outside. He is with his wifeLADY TZIPORA (AKA LADY TZI TZI ala Lady Ga-ga), who hasfashioned an outfit for herself from weird pieces of shankbone and Matzah.

LADY TZI TZI

Youre going to be splendid Moses,just splendid.

EXT. SLAVES QUARTERS IN EGYPT - CONTINUOUS

The Israelites await Moses with bated breath, Moses speakswith a stammer, which is historically accurate.

MOSESMy-my-my...my fellow...my fellow...

Moses cant continue. His stammer stands in his way yet

again. He is clearly frustrated. Aaron steps in. He grabs ashank bone off of Lady Tzi Tzis ridiculous costume.

AARONIsraelites, to avoid the 10thplague, you must take a shank bone.

ISRAELITE #1What is a shankbone?

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Aaron holds up the shank bone.

AARONThis is a shank bone. Im actuallynot positive what it is, I believeits a relative of the flank steak.Just make sure you have one and you

shmear the blood from it on the topof your doorpost so that your firstborn will not die.

ISRAELITE #2Im a vegetarian. Aaron, can I usecream cheese?

AARON(annoyed)

That should be fine.

ISRAELITE #3Actually, Im a vegan. Can I use ahomemade white bean hummus spreadwith toasted pine nuts?

AARON(even more annoyed)

Yes! Whatever it is, just putsomething on your door that doesntusually go on your door, so Godknow to PASS OVER your house.

ISRAELITE #2

Like a wreath?

Screen fades to black (yes, this is a movie, and youre allin it! - good for you!) and the title appears:

THE MOSES SPEECH

EXT. PHARAOHS NILE SIDE SUNDAY POOL PARTY - DAY

Everyone knows that some of the best partying in Egypthappens daytime Nile-side. The once intimate Nile-side partyhas grown into a destination for all Egyptians. PHARAOH,

played by Jersey Shores Mike The Situation, is sipping ona protein infused vodka soda. (Younger people at the tableplease explain who this is to the older folk)

PHARAOHStraight up, bein Pharaoh is thereal situation.

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Moses, dressed as an Egyptian Prince, is off to the sidepainting a top. Pharaoh lifts his tunic and shows hiswashboard abs off.

PHARAOH (CONTD)Everyone look at my sweet abs!

MOSESWhen did you get so cocky?

PHARAOHPretty much ever since they gave memy own television show.

MOSESWell, maybe you should just ta-ta-take it easy.

PHARAOH

(mocking)Well, maybe you should ta-ta-take ahike Bro-ses.

Moses takes his suggestion and leaves in a huff.

PHARAOH (CONTD)Come on bro, I was kidding. Comeback!

Moses keeps walking away.

PHARAOH (CONTD)

Aight. Keep walking. I dont care.

Sandstorm by DJ Tiesto starts to play from a DJ both.

PHARAOH (CONTD)Now thats my jam! Techno is thebest. Who wants to take a shot ofPatron out of my belly button?

Pharaoh picks one lucky lady to take the shot. Then hescepter pumps in the air and dances the afternoon away to thesweet sounds of techno.

EXT. NEARBY THE PYRAMIDS - DAY

Moses, still upset, saunters by an EGYPTIAN TASK MASTERbeating an Israelite slave as he lays bricks. The task masterlooks like one of the Winkelvoss twins fromThe SocialNetwork.

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EGYPTIAN TASK MASTERTake that! Keep those bricksmoving. I want to go ride the Nilein my schooner and then take creditfor something I didnt do.

GEOFFREY HASHANNAH, a middle aged man who also speaks with a

British accent, grimaces in pain.

GEOFFREY(In your bestShakespearean voice)

Being your slave what should I dobut tend upon the hours, and timesof your desire? I have no precioustime at all to spend; Nor servicesto do, till you require.

MOSES

Sa-sa-sonnet 57. Well said goodsir. Are you okay?

GEOFFREYAh Moses, you are a wise Prince.Im fine, each day I just remindmyself, Reality is wrong. Dreamsare for real. And I seem to getby.

MOSESThe Tempest?

GEOFFREYTupac.

EGYPTIAN TASK MASTERQuoting rap that hasnt been rappedyet? Extra lashings!

As the Task Master starts to whip the Slave, Mosesintervenes.

MOSESSa-sa-stop that! I am the Prince ofEgypt and I command you to stop.

EGYPTIAN TASK MASTER(mocking)

Prince of Egypt, huh? Whatever yousay Pa-pa-porky Pig!

Moses takes out his scepter and hits the Task Master good andhard...a little too hard. Moses checks his pulse. Its nonexistent.

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MOSESI think this man is dead.

GEOFFREYWe should go immediately.

MOSES

Where should we go?

GEOFFREYAnywhere but here.

MOSESIll get my chariot!

GEOFFREYTo the chariot!

MOSES

You ca-ca-cant come. I dont evenknow your name.

GEOFFREYAllow me to introduce myself.Geoffrey HaShanah. GeoffreyRush...HaShanah. Apples and honey?

Geoffery all of a sudden has a plate of apples and honey thathe holds up and offers to Moses.

MOSESNo thank you, Im full from a nosh

I had at the pool.

Moses thinks for a second, but realizing he has no time towaste and no reason not to trust Geoffrey agrees to leavewith him. They run off, hop into Moses chariot, and fleethe city!

EXT. FIELD - DAY - A FEW MONTHS LATER

Moses is now dressed as a Shepard. Geoffrey HaShanah iswalking with him and some sheep that he is herding.

GEOFFREYAlright Moishe, again.

MOSESYou will refer to me as Moses orthe Prince of Egypt.

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GEOFFREYOkay Moishe, repeat after me.Cantor Katz quickly cooked akosher kuggle in the kitchen.

MOSESI certainly will not.

GEOFFREYIf you want help with your stammer,you will.

MOSESWho cares Geoffrey? It doesntmatter, Im just a poor shepherdnow. I will never surmount toanything. Im a loser. A loser!

GEOFFREY

Moishe, you didnt stutter once.You didnt think just then, youspoke from the heart. Rememberthat.

A sheep leaves the flock.

MOSESDa-da-dammit Carl.

GEOFFREYYouve named the sheep Carl?

MOSESYes, Ive named all of my sheep.

He starts pointing to them.

MOSES (CONTD)That is Ron, Howard, Blake,Griffin, there is Winslow and Carljust ran away. Look after theothers, I will be right back!

EXT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS

There is something mysterious about this cave, but Mosescant quite put his finger on it.

MOSESHere Carl Carl...Here Carl Carl.

Moses sees Carl going into the cave and follows him.

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INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS

Moses sees Carl standing near a bare branched bush. Mosestakes of his shoes, which are a pair of ancient TOMS, andgoes over to Carl and picks him up.

MOSES

Silly Carl. Man, its really hot inhere.

All of a sudden the bush sets on fire! Moses is caught offguard and heads for the exit, but realizes that the bushisnt actually burning. He goes closer to it, and reaches outto the fire like he will touch it, when all of a sudden theBURNING BUSH, with a booming voice, begins to speak -

BURNING BUSHThis is God. Talking to you througha bush.

MOSESWhy are you talking to me through abush?

BURNING BUSHI would have spoken to you througha tree, but thousands of years fromnow people will be saying the wordbush a good 9 or 10 times attheir dinner table, and that ishilarious. Moses, I have to tellyou something, you are not the

Prince of Egypt.

MOSESWhat do you mean?

BURNING BUSHMoses, you are the son ofYocheved...you are Jewish.

MOSESI knew it! Now it makes sense why Ididnt make the All-Egypt footballteam.

BURNING BUSHYou must save the Jewish peopleMoses. You must tell Pharaoh to letyour people go.

MOSESI cant.

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BURNING BUSHHey Moses. God here. I dont reallyaccept no as an answer.

MOSESI-I-I cant.

BURNING BUSHWhy not!

Moses in his Oscar winning, scene stealing moment yells!

MOSESBecause I bloody well stammer!

The Burning Bush would put his arm around Moses at this pointin the story, but its a bush so it didnt.

BURNING BUSH

You know what King George theSixth, Darwin, and Napoleon had incommon?

MOSESThey are all people Ive neverheard of.

BURNING BUSHWell, that is true. But they alsohad stammers, and they eachaccomplished great things. Go toEgypt Moses. Tell Pharaoh to free

the slaves. Free YOUR people.

The bush stops burning. It is just a bush again. Moses grabsCarl, puts him in his arms, and they exit the cave.

CARLBaaaaa.

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Moses sits with Geoffrey and his sheep.

GEOFFREYSo let me get this straight, theburning bush spoke to you and saidthat you need to free theIsraelites?

MOSESYes Geoffrey that is exactly whathappened.

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GEOFFREYWell, you know what they say?

MOSESNo, what do they say?

GEOFFREY

If a bush speaks to you. It must bethe one and only God.

MOSESPeople say that?

GEOFFREYNo. I just wanted you to feel lesscrazy.

MOSESWell. I-I-I know what I heard and

what I must do. Will you help mewith my speech?

GEOFFREYWe start training at once!

MONTAGE

Over the next few minutes we see a series of images depictingMoses training with Geoffrey. He is doing a myriad of speechexercises including, but not limited to, laying on the floor,rolling around, and singing the Alef bet song.

EVERYONEAleph, Bet, Vet...Gimmel, Dalet,Hey!

Moses puts his fist in his mouth, jumps rope, does the hokeypokey and of course, turns himself around. The montage ends.

GEOFFREYYoure ready.

MOSESThat was like a minute, I-I-I am

not ready.

GEOFFREYYoure close Moses.

Lady Tzi Tzi, Mosess wife/aspiring Egyptian pop singer whohe met as a shepherd, approaches Moses and Geoffrey.

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12/21

MOSESLady Tzi Tzi, we need to leave thisplace and go to Egypt. I am a Jewand need to save my pa-pa-people.

LADY TZI TZII cant. Not till Im done

finishing my new song.

GEOFFREYWhat song?

LADY TZI TZIIts called Poker Face.

MOSESPa-pa-pokerface?

LADY TZI TZI

Thats perfect! Moses you are agenius.

Like all men do he smiles and takes credit, even though itwas not intentional.

GEOFFREYWell then, we leave at once. I willprepare the camels!

INT. PHARAOHS MAIN HALL - DAY

Pharaoh sits on the throne without a shirt on, as is onlyappropriate with Egyptian Royalty and on the Jersey Shore.The hall is filled with people and, per usual, Techno isblasting.

PHARAOH(singing to himself)

Man it feels good to be thePharaoh.

The doors to the main hall swing open. Moses appears withAaron, his true brother who he reunited with outside thepalace.

CUT TO:

EXT. PALACE - 5 MINUTES EARLIER...

Aaron sees Moses walk up to the palace.

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AARONMoses, I am your brother Aaron.

MOSESExcellent, come with me!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. PHARAOHS MAIN HALL

Behind Moses and Aaron is Geoffrey in a 3 piece suit, andLady Tzi Tzi in something that resembles bubble wrap all overher body.

MOSESPha-pha-pahraoh!

Pharaohs face drops to the floor. He barely recognizes his

brother who no longer resembles an Egyptian prince, but is abearded Shepard. A long turntable scratch, and the music issilenced.

PHARAOHMoishe. Youve come to your sensesand returned. Everyone listen up. Ipardon Moses for killing one of mytaskmasters. You hear me. He isofficially pardoned forever, nomatter what. Now get over her andgive me a hug brother.

Moses stays put, which is an insult to the pharaoh.

MOSESYou need to know the truth. I am aJew. We came from differentmothers. You cant make the Jewishpeople be your slaves anymore.

PHARAOHWhat are you on and where do I getit?

MOSES

Im not on ah-ah-anything. La-la-let my Pa-pa-people-

Moses cant finish the sentence. Aaron takes over.

AARONIf you do not listen. 10 plagueswill come.

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PHARAOHMoses, how could you? It doesntmatter. Im not afraid of you andIm definitely not letting myslaves go. Now leave my palace atonce!

MOSESYoull ra-ra-regret this.

Moses and his entourage leave the palace. Geoffrey puts hisarm around Moses.

GEOFFREYIm going to be honest. That wasntyour best performance, but youllget better. Trust me Moishe.

MONTAGE OF THE PLAGUES

EXT. PHARAOHS NILE SIDE SUNDAY POOL PARTY

An EGYPTIAN MAN dips his bucket in the Nile and pulls up ared liquid. Egyptian man takes a sip. Runs over to his wifewho is tanning with some other Egyptian ladies.

EGYPTIAN MANI think the water has turned intoMalbec!

His wife, EGYPTIAN WOMAN, comes over and takes a sip.

EGYPTIAN WOMANThis isnt Malbec. Its blood!

EXT. THE ROYAL LAWN OF SAND - DAY

Pharaoh is playing boche with one of his advisors. A frogjumps on his ball.

PHARAOHBugger of frog!

Quickly the lawn of sand is covered in frogs.

QUICK CUTS OF FLIES SWARMING, EGYPTIANS BREAKING INTO BOILS,HAIL FROM THE SKY! IT GETS PROGRESSIVELY WORSE.

INT. EGYPTIAN VERSION OF CHILIS - BEFORE SUNSET

The Egyptian couple from before are on a date.

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EGYPTIAN WOMANHoney, thanks for taking me out forour anniversary.

EGYPTIAN MANIt feels like yesterday we were 13years old and getting married.

The waitress comes over.

EGYPTIAN MAN (CONTD)Well take a possum blossom and theAlligator skins to start.

The restaurant all of a sudden is in complete darkness.

EGYPTIAN WOMANHow did you know that Ive beendying to try Dining in the Dark! So

fashionable and so romantic. Ithought you were afraid of thedark. Sweetie...sweetie?

Egyptian man is under the table hiding.

INT. PHARAOHS MAIN HALL - NIGHT

Pharaoh sits alone on his throne. Finally the lights comeback on, someone lit some candles. Moses enters the court. Hethinks that Pharaoh doesnt notice.

PHARAOHMoses!

MOSESSorry I didnt mean to bother you,I just left my sta-sta-staff.

PHARAOHWhy Moishe? This is so not cool.Just as I become Pharaoh, you stormin and ruin everything.

MOSES

Im sorry brother, but you must la-la-let my pa-pa-

He still cant finish his sentence.

MOSES (CONTD)The next plague is worse than anyof the others Ramses.

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PHARAOHI will not let the Jews go. Notnow, not ever. This is all yourfault Moses. This is your bad!

The cast of Glee strolls into the main hall wearing outfitsthat are too expensive for a private school, so the fact that

they go to a public school just doesnt make any sense. Amicrophone lowers down from the ceiling in front of Moses. Ofcourse the Glee club is accompanied by a full band thatobviously would be included in a public school budget. Theystart to play Hey Jude by the Beatles. Moses start to sing tothe tune. If you are playing Moses and Pharaoh get ready tosing!

MOSESHey dude, its not my bad

Let the Jews go and make it better

Just try to, let mercy into yourheart

Get a fresh start, and make itbetter

PHARAOHHey dude, I am afraid

When I say no bro, that I mean

never

You will not, ever have the chanceto win

You and the Jews, will be slavesforever

MOSESOh my bro its not a game, firstborn, gets slain

Dont carry that burden upon yourshoulders

PHARAOHFor well you know what I must do,Pharaoh must rule

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Im saying no, giving the coldshoulder.

The song pauses for a dramatic moment of dialogue. Mosesdramatically turns and exits.

MOSESYoull ra-ra-regret this brother.

PHARAOHYoure not my brother.

Hey Jude chorus comes back on! Everyone sing together!

EVERYONEPha pha pha, Pha-pha pharaoh

Pha-pha pharaoh, adieu!

Pha pha pha, Pha-pha pharaoh

Pha-pha pharaoh, adieu!

MOSES(spoken)

Adieu.

Moses exits. Rachel storms up to Schuster, because he singswith the students, as that would be realistic and appropriatein any high school glee club.

RACHELI only agreed to do this stupidgig, because I was supposed to geta solo.

Schuster ignores her.

SCHUSTERYeah, my hair does look great.Thanks Rachel.

CUT TO:

INT. SLAVE HEADQUARTERS - RIGHT AFTER WHERE WE STARTED OURSTORY

Moses sits with his face in his hands. Geoffrey is with him.

GEOFFREYYou almost had it that time Moishe.

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PHARAOH (CONT'D)


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MOSESCALL ME MOSES!

GEOFFREYConfidence Moishe, its all aboutconfidence.

EXT. PALACE NEXT DAY

Last night the angel of death swept over Egypt. Pharaoh sitson the palace steps. In his arms, his eldest son, who isdead. Pharaoh starts to cry. The Egyptian Man sees Pharaoh.

EGYPTIAN MANAre you crying my majesty?

PHARAOHI dont cry! Im Pharaoh. I fist

pump, give orders, and drink wine.EGYPTIAN MAN

Im sorry Pharaoh.

PHARAOHDo me a favor. Go tell Moses thathis people can go, but I never wantto see his face again.

The Egyptian Man leaves to give word to Moses. Pharaohcontinues to cry.

EXT. DESERT

The Israelites are walking northwest towards the Red Sea.

AARONOkay everybody, gather around. Isee that you all brought crackersfor the journey. This is why youneed to reply all to the emails,people. Then wed know whateveryone else was bringing.

ISRAELITE #4How long are we going to bewalking?

AARONIf you were concerned about thetime, dont you think thats aquestion you should have askedearlier?

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ISRAELITE WOMANSorrrrrry, Mr. Hurry-up-and-run.Didnt mean to offend you Mr.Theres-no-time-for-your-bread-to-rise-so-youll-be-eating-cardboard-for-the-next-40-years.

ISRAELITE #3This is insane. How are we evengoing to cross the sea? Mosessmagic stick?

ISRAELITE MAFIA MANYeah! I got your magic stick righthere, pal!

The Israelites are starting to get angry. Moses gathers histogether to decide who is going to walk into the water first.He knows that faith in g-d will make the seas part and allow

the Israelites to walk to freedom. They draw straws, Nachshongets it.

NACHSONDamn.

Nachson starts to walk into the sea as Moses stands upon acliff and holds his staff in the air.

NACHSON (CONTD)Mi chamocha baeylim adonai...

This roughly translates to, Me want a mocha, or at least a

figgy pie.

NACHSON (CONTD)Mi kamocha nedar ba kodesh...

This roughly translates to, Non fat mocha. Hey, whens RoshKodesh?

Nachsons prayer doesnt work. Geoffrey approaches Moses onthe cliff.

GEOFFREYIts time. This is your moment.

Confidence Moishe, confidence!

Moses steps up to the front of the group waiting to cross theRed Sea. Breathing deeply, fighting through the stammer, hespeaks.

MOSESG-g-great... moments... are bornfrom great opportunities.

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And thats what you have here...(breathes) today. One moment. If wetried to escape the Egyptians tentimes... theyd beat us n-n-nine.Today, we win. Today we shut themdown. Today... today... we are...we are the chosen ones! Today, we

are the greatest Jews in the world!You were born to be Jews! Every oneof ya! And you were meant to behere today. This is your time.Pharaohs time?... is done! Itsover. Im sick and tired of hearingabout what a great life theEgyptians have! Screw em! (Mosesbreathes, Geoffrey nods) This isour time. Our time to stand up inthe face of Pharaoh and once andfor all proclaim as one, united

group... LET OUR PEOPLE GO!EVERYONE

Yay!!!

There is a thunderous applause! Mosess speech gave allpresent goosebumps. And in that very moment, with water atopNachshons head, Moses lifts his rod even higher to the sky,and magically the seas part and all of the Israelites walk tofreedom.

MIRIAMWho ever thought the sea would part

with an out stretched hand and wewould pass to freedom and march tothe promised land!

CLOSING CREDITS - WHERE ARE THEY NOW OVER A BLACK SCREEN

The Jews eventually crossed the red sea before the water cameback together and crushed the Pharaohs army who were chasingfrom behind.

Geoffrey said that he would retire from voice coaching, butin true Brett Favre fashion was back to Moses the following

season to coach him through the first Passover Seder in thedesert.

Lady Tzi Tzi became a multi platinum pop singer lead by herhit song Poker Face. Her album Born This Way, presumably aconcept album about a babys reluctance to have a bris, issure to be a best seller as well.

19.

MOSES (CONT'D)


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While Pharaoh, The Situation, did not catch the Jews, hedid successfully taint the reputation of his homeland forgenerations to come.

The Israelites passed to freedom, and nobody ever botheredthe Jews again.

Elijah runs in across the screen.

ELIJAHDid I miss the Passover script? Ireally got to stop drinking.

THE END

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