The Mood DisordersThe Mood DisordersAssociation of ManitobaAssociation of Manitoba

What are BOUNDARIES?BOUNDARIES?

A boundary is not a barrier.

Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

You are sending yourself the message that you are worthy of care.

We need to assist people in understanding the concept of boundaries.

How do BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES work?

Boundaries for our Outside Self, which protect our body and control distance and touch.

Boundaries for our Inside Self, which act as filters or blocks to protect our thinking, feeling and behavior.

Both of these boundaries are guided by our past experiences.

Violations of outside BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES

Touching or standing too close without permission.

Intruding on a person's privacy; for instance, walking into the bathroom or bedroom without knocking, or getting into another's personal possessions without permission.

Violations of Inside SelfBOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES

Yelling, screaming, name calling, ridiculing, lying, patronizing and sarcasm.

Negative or Positive control.

Unrealistic expectations.

Demanding one's own way or point of view as the only choice.

How are BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES set?

Personal boundaries are set by people who are emotionally healthy.

We all set boundaries.

Educate people in your life about your boundaries.

Calmly and respectfully inform them about how they can and cannot behave around you.

How are BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES set? Let people know what your limits are.

This actually gives people in your life the security of knowing your relationship guidelines

It eliminates their fears about how they should behave with you.

Failure to set BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES

Results in no protection for yourself.

Building walls to protect your-self actually blocks closeness and prevents loving and unloving interactions.

Confusion or ambivalence about setting boundaries results in partial protection.

Building walls or inadequate boundaries blocks all interactions and results in no protection.

Special responsibilities for work place BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES If you are the head of an organization or

company, you must be even more carful about boundaries.

Your employer goes for lunch with you--is that a

friendship or is it part of your work?

Ground rules need to be established such as

each paying for their own meal, not talking business, keeping it as a friendship.

Special responsibilities for work place BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES

Does this mean you cannot have a friendship with someone who has a higher position in the organization then you?

No it doesn’t, but it does mean you need to establish the boundaries beforehand, so there are no misunderstandings.

This is good for you but also others who may feel you have an advantage.

Special responsibilities for work place BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES

In areas where we work together such as in non–profit where we have paid staff and non paid volunteers.

Those boundaries are even more important,

because the staff person is not only dealing from a position of power,

but also from a position of wellness compared

to the clientele we serve.

Special responsibilities for work place BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES

Many of the people we serve do not have the skill set to deal with interpersonal relationships.

We as staff need to be very careful of the

signals we are sending,

so we do not misleadimislead the people we are trying to help.

BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES Setting and maintaining your own boundaries

and honoring the boundaries of others are skills that can be learned.

It takes MINDFULNESS

INTENTION PRACTICE

BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES

Be patient with yourself as you learn and practice these important and valuable skills.

You also need to be patient with those who are just learning about boundaries.

It is worth the effort to watch your-self and others grow into more tolerant human beings.

BOUNDARIESBOUNDARIES

Following are 8 Steps or Tips to set

boundaries and better protect your rights.

Step1

Determine if the person does not respect your boundaries or simply isn't aware of them.

This will affect how firmly you need to respond in order to get the best results.

Some people that lack respect for others' possessions, time and feelings may lack awareness of boundaries themselves.

Step2 Distinguish a boundary from a pet peeve by

writing down the behavior that you wish to stop.

Then follow with the reason(s) that the behavior is wrong to you.

If it is something that simply gets on your nerves, rather than disrespecting you, a compromise may be in order.

Otherwise, if the request respects their boundaries, it is likely a reasonable one.

Step3 Consider the consequences of setting

boundaries with people who are not accustom to you doing so.

This will both help you prepare for potentially negative responses as well as enable you to assess the importance of the boundary versus the relationship.

If a person overreacts, this does not detract from your rights and is an issue they need to resolve for themselves.

Step4

Plan ahead for someone that does not take well to your self-interest.

Decide whether the relationship is worthwhile and if so how you will respond to any complaints.

If the situation becomes problematic, avoid blame and provoking words.

Maintain your stance but consider revisiting the discussion at a later, less emotional time.

Be clear to set such time rather than let the problem linger.

Step5

Practice what you will say. Enlist help from a friend if you like and know that

the first few times you try to set boundaries with people that it will probably feel discomforting.

Yet, if someone is not respecting you or your space, be encouraged by the fact that you are acting in a healthy way to protect yourself and your interests.

With time, most healthy people will adjust well.

Step6 Set up a time to talk that is conducive to listening,

when the other party is not busy. Tell the person precisely what behavior is bothering you

and why, Ask them politely to stop or offer a solution. A lengthy explanation is not necessary. Example: “When I

go to the refrigerator and the food I plan to eat is gone I feel taken advantage of and then need to re-plan my meal. I will keep my food on the bottom two shelves to avoid confusion. Does that work for you?” This is concise, direct and avoids personal attack.

Step7 Evaluate if a written document is needed to set

boundaries of a more serious nature or when communication fails.

This may be useful when a family member berates you, for example. Outline the reasonable actions you expect from the person and the consequences for non-action,

This may include terminating the relationship. Emphasize your commitment by mutually signing

the agreement.

 

Step8 Enlist the help of a professional if you suffer from a lack of

boundaries and have substantial difficulty in setting them. Some support groups may be able to help as well. If you feel badly it doesn't really matter if a person is only raiding your

closet, likely many areas of your life are affected. Standing up for your-self is essential to a healthy sense of self-

respect and peace of mind. If you're not accustomed to setting boundaries, allow people time to

adjust to your new self-assertiveness. This does not mean, however, that the boundary should not be honored.

Avoid joking and making light of the boundary-breaking behavior. Do not bombard people with a list of demands simultaneously and

prioritize those which are most important. If the situation you are in is emotionally or physically damaging, don't

delay in seeking help or removing yourself from the environment.

 

The Mood Disorders The Mood Disorders Association of Association of ManitobaManitoba

 

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