The Marriage Ordeal

Childhood Revisited(38 slides)

creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

When you seek to understand the contempt, hatred, violence and depression that is reflected in this culture’s supposedly loving

marriage relationships the dissonance and incongruence is overwhelming.

We only hurt those we truly love. may be axiomatic but terribly wrong.

The explanation I will suggest is found in the repetition compulsion of childhood neural arousal and comforting templates.

The new brain (intellect, learning and the like) is often immobilized by the old brain energies and neural imprinting of early life survival-stress-

arousal patterns.

We may know better but we cannot pull out of the whirlpool action of the familiar.

We end up repeating the very thing we promised our self, spouse and God we would not do again.

We cannot seem to help our self!

Many human rights abuses occur within loving- intimate relationships.

When the romantic fantasy love of the reptilian old brain has run its course, the new brain steps up to the plate and attempts to deliver on the work and

demands of the marriage in reality.

Repetition compulsion…

What ever made up our experiences as a child will have a long and powerful neural response of arousal and comforting templates.

This neural template history will be the foundational intermeshing work of most marriages: the intermeshing of intimacy, attention, sexual and communication.

We will become obsessive and compulsive about repeating the familiar!

The fantasy enmeshment

We construct an image of another person to which we relate to, as if it were the person.

The problem is that the construction was based upon fantasy because we really didn’t know the other.

We then become upset and withdrawn when they do not act they way they are suppose to based upon our predictions of what they are supposed to do.

A fake relationship: definition of a fantasy bond:

A fantasy bond is a relationship role play based upon what we think we should do and feel while we are in the relationship.

The purpose of the fantasy bond...

The illusion of connection with another, that keeps loneliness at bay, while keeping their self safe from vulnerability and lose of the relationship.

Early symptoms of a fantasy bond

Lose interest in talking

Lose interest in listening

Decrease in the amount of direct eye contact

Conversation becomes dishonest and impersonal

Loss of independence

‘‘We” become enmeshed

Fantasy bond symptoms in marriage

Impersonal style of conversing

Feelings of obligation and resentment

Decline in sexual interest

Loss of playfulness and spontaneity

Destructive communication

Men and women who form destructive ties are usually unable to accept the fact that they have lost their feelings for each other.

They are deeply ashamed that they no longer feel as attracted or as interested as they were.

Unable to live with this truth, they try to cover up.

They begin to substitute form, routine and role determined behavior.

Robert Firestone

I’m pretending.

She’s pretending I’m notpretending.

For now it’s workingout just fine.

Reality vs. fantasy

Living and loving in reality is not what one’s fantasy pictures love to be.

Love is daily contact, friendliness, caring, companionship,

hard work, honesty, pain, sadness, happiness, anxiety, and tenderness and occurs in a non-dramatic way.

That may not match your fantasy of unconditional love,

but it is a real opportunity to fulfill your adult needs for love and sex.

Robert Firestone

The defended heart…

People with defended hearts have a tendency to:

1. The selection of and attention to biased events and realities.

2. Distortion of the events that create blame, manipulation and withholding.

3. Provocation of partners behavior that recreates the familiar climate of childhood and thus proving the image they have of themselves.

Longing for… as a defended stance.

Longing for something, say a loving relationship, is brought about by developing the fantasy of how it might eventually be.

The fantasy helps create a reality to cope with the sadness and pain of not having the loving relationship.

The pain and discomfort are kept in check by the fantasy.

If this continues for any length of time the pain and sadness will grow and take on a life of their own.

And when the longed for relationship is available the blocked and denied pain and sadness will be triggered and released.

Robert Firestone writes

Most people say that they want love, admiration, closeness, long-lasting ties, loving relationships.

But it turns out that they’re really very refractory to those types of experiences, they find that they tend to recoil rather than to move toward those very gratifying experiences.

They tend to pursue them up to a point and then become afraid and remove themselves.

And this seemingly illogical response to something that everybody does want on some level is worth talking about; it’s worth trying to understand.

Grief avoidance

Grief is a very powerful energy and most do not want to be reunited with it because of the sadness it involves.

Grieving often shifts back to parents (who were responsible for the

sadness and hurt of childhood) the grief origins and is often a process laced with loyalty issues (of protecting an idealized image of

the parents) and mixed emotions (fear, anger, hurt, pain and anxiety).

Grief Reunion…

Being rejoined with childhood fears, sadness and pain is an overwhelming but necessary condition of healing.

It is part and parcel of exploring the inner kingdom where true identity and differentiation is waiting.

All therapy is grief work and as Carl Jung has said: Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.

Suffering is what compassion is all about…

If we are too afraid to suffer for our own self and unique histories, then we remain shut off from the most important knowledge we could experience.

This knowledge is heart knowledge and requires an embracing of one’s own defendedness that has shut the doors to our inner kingdom.

This lack of compassion and suffering for our own self is what fuels the repetition compulsion of childhood survival behaviors.

We cannot escape them but by learning to embrace them, and walk toward and not away, from the sadness and pain.

Its not about the other

Falling into love, marital problems and the issues and perceptions of living together is always more about you than it is about the other person.

We would all dearly love to point the finger of blame at the other for withholding our happiness but alas, the sad truth is not so obvious…

especially in marriage.

The typical description of what a successful marriage needs…

The typical issue: marriage will take a lot of communication and work. It is very important to share what is on your minds and to keep the lines of communication open.

The real issue: what good is the communication if you do not want to hear what is being communicated. In most marriages they know very well what their spouse is thinking… its just that they do not want to hear about it anymore.

The typical definition of intimacy in our culture…

Intimacy is often sexualized with the ideal notions of mutual love, acceptance, empathy, validation and sharing.

Intimacy is often portrayed as soft and warm fuzzies that invite warmth and safety.

It is an act dependent upon the appropriate behavior and receptiveness of both participants otherwise the intimacy doesn’t have a chance of surviving.

But… (According to Woody Allen)

“Love may get too complicated when it involves another person.”

Differentiation…

Differentiation is a concept of a self that is grown up and separated from the personalities and institutions of the person’s childhood. (i.e. parents, school, church)

It is a self that is established and grounded in its essence.

It is a self that has integrity and has integrated the fragmented and disowned parts.

Differentiation allows for intimacy with others as a manifestation of self intimacy.

Self identity comes before other intimacy…

The ability to be intimate with the another is grounded in the act of intimacy with the self.

Since the act of intimacy is the sharing of feelings and feelings are the core of self identity then they are essential to the process.

People who do not establish a sense of selfhood are doomed to failure in their attempts to be intimate with another over time.

The act of self-intimacy

Self-intimacy is generated, created and validated as one ventures into their inner kingdom.

It is a journey of interior work and discovery.

The journey is fraught with defended and unconscious energies.

Self-intimacy is grounded in self confrontation, exploration and discovery.

Self-intimacy is simply self identity and one gives birth to the other.

The act of other created intimacy

Other generated, created and validated intimacy is a fusion and dependence upon another.

It is accomplished when one mirrors back the sense of safety and mutual admiration that allows trust, acceptance, empathy and disclosure.

The dependency invites a self presentation of role plays and pretense that is the foundation of the intimacy.

The other generated intimacy is based upon the other playing their part in the exchange.

In other words, other created intimacy works as long as both are infatuated with the other and shower each other with love, compliments, favors and

affection.

Things go well in this arrangement until someone gets hurt and withdraws.

Then both people get hurt and the cycle of withholding and manipulation starts.

Intimacy is destroyed by the other.

The correlation between differentiation and loving…

Your ability to love someone will correspond and be determined by the level of your self differentiation.

Mature love requires more differentiation.

Low levels of differentiation will lead to emotional gridlock and frustration.

The differentiation will ratchet down with the love, seeking its compatible level.

The lack of differentiation leads to: repetition compulsions

Emotional fusion Psychological enmeshment Jealousy Role playing Fantasy bonds Manipulation Extortion Dishonesty

The nature of emotional gridlock and impasse…

When one is counting on the other to create the environment that invites safety and the sharing of tender feelings then it is only a matter of time before the other fails in their responsibility.

This dependency is the basis for the failure and ambivalence that leads couples to withdraw from each other and then to attempt manipulations techniques to bring about the desired changes.

It is only a matter of time before disappointment, hurt, anger and offense is felt.

Typical marital therapies…

Assume partners are out of touch with each other (when more often they are fused).

Confuse intimacy and communication with validation and acceptance.

Prescribe other validated intimacy as a solution.

In such relationships, one is held hostage by the other and emotional gridlock continues.

I want to stress the idea that many of the dysfunctional people in the world today survived a stressful and traumatic

childhood which, although was useful years ago, needs to be replaced with self compassion and acceptance.

The neural templates of childhood can be mediated and softened with the healing work of forgiveness and grief work.

The marital adventure…

The ability simultaneously to be in a loving intimate relationship while maintaining and sharing the integrity and integration of the self, leaving neither the relationship or losing/giving up the self.

This simple but demanding ordeal is what the marital adventure is all about.

Love in marriage, is an elaborate friendship.

Love as salvation

If we would stop projecting on our spouse the necessity of salvation and treat them as a good friend and loyal life companion then maybe we could move beyond the familiar childhood templates of survival, arousal, comfort and stress.

And then again, maybe not.

the end