The Map

T H E

C O M M U N I C A T I O N

M A P

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

The Map


Immediate impactLearn itUSE itEffectiveIndependent

The Criteria


Functioning First

HistoryAvoidanceResentment


Give People Structure

Challenges:IssuesProblemsFeelingsReasonsMotivationsHistory

Opportunity? Enhancing


Easy to LearnEasy to UseUniversal Application

Universal Qualities


The Map


Before You Start

Challenges:The Issue?When?Where?


Issues = Unmet needsALL issues are validNeeder ‘Owns’ the Issue

Rules of the Road


No Issue is UniversalSome are unsharedDon’t indict“Came home late without calling”Ownership = EmpowermentGet past “Right” and “Wrong”

Needs and Issues

Give Sender Ownership

For the Sender:

For the Receiver:


One issue at a timeTake turnsSpeak with moderationListen with curiosityWin Win, not War-War‑Structure is EVERYTHINGNurture the ‘space between’

Focus and Dialogue


AttitudeCuriosityEmpathyCompassionCoach

Receiver Qualities


The Background

Home from work two hours lateDidn’t call beforehandDinner SpoiledWaiting partner upset and been worried


Round One"Where have you BEEN?”

“I've been so

WORRIED””DINNER'S COLD - AND

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT."

“You are late, and you

didn't call, and I'm

REALLY upset.”

”You know what? You are just a jerk, and you're inconsiderate, and I can't believe you didn't call me”.

”You ALWAYS call. Why didn't you call THIS time?”


The Wall

Judgement

Interpretation

Defensiveness

Reactive emotion.


Mad

Primary Emotions

Sad

Glad

Fear

Shame


"Oh, OK. I'm in judgment right now”

Disconnected

“Right now, I'm wrapped up in my interpretation of why you're doing this”

“Right now, I'm feeling defensive” "I'm in a reactive

emotion right now"


The Sender Experience

Is it clear?DiscomfortThoughtsJudgementsBack upIdentifyCommunicate


Talkers and Thinkers

If you understand which you areIf you know which your partner isYou will know what their needs areOpposites attract but challenge


Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Help me Understand

Talker needs to talk about itReceiver needs to listenDon’t Pre-judgeFind the REAL issue


Beat the stereotype

Don’t assume you KNOW the ‘Issue’‘Facts’ vs. ‘Issue’Build dialogueSeek confirmation

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)




Negotiate

Request

Follow through


2

3

4

5

6

7

8


Step 4

Late and no call

Is my lateness the issue?No, worried and anxious when you didn’t call

No, cooked a great meal and it’s spoilt.

Is the Call the issue?

Sender HAS to communicate Receiver HAS to facilitate


Make a request

Clarity is the first hurdleValidating is the secondMirror or askSender RequestIssuesUnmet NeedsRelationship Drivers

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)




Negotiate

Request

Follow through


2

3

4

5

6

7

8


Ugly Alternatives

ComplainingDemandingThreateningCoercingCriticizingEntitlementMind ReadingRequesting


Step 5

What can I do?Non-PrescriptiveThe result countsThe two routes

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)




Negotiate

Request

Follow through


2

3

4

5

6

7

8


Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)




Negotiate

Request

Follow through


2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Negotiation

Negotiation isn’t compromiseDemand Win/WinFind Third OptionIf it doesn’t work for both of you it won’t stick

"You don't know WHAT you don't know"


Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)


Communicate Isues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)


Negotiate

Request

Follow through


2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Outside the Box

PlanNetworkPatienceStay Open Minded

ViabilityCompassion and Mirror

Sorry. Be late

How long?

Couple hours.


Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)




Negotiate

Request

Follow through


2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Be Positive

Never Say “No”Counter-proposePactPositiveTrustingSafeListening


Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)




Negotiate

Request

Follow through


2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Final Steps

NegotiatedSolvedFollow-throughCommitmentPromiseIntentionsActionsBad agreements break


Mutuality

You won’t know until you give it a go!One you CAN keepOne you WANT to keepGo round againForgivenessPatienceLearn

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)




Negotiate

Request

Follow through


2

3

4

5

6

7

8


Practice

Perfection doesn’t existNot a panaceaStructureClarity


Practice

Issue = SenderIdentifyCommunicateRequestReceiver = SupportKeep it handy!Don’t recycle failure


Top Five Communication Tips

No. 1 - “Is there More?”Don’t ‘pingpong’Keep ListeningInvite DialogueSpoken Magic



No 2: “It’s NOT about You!Their issue is THEIR issuePersonal = DefensiveDefensive = Negativity



No. 3: “It’s ALL about You!The 90/10 FormulaNeed to clear and separate:

FactsJudgmentsFeelings



Facts:You were two hours lateYou didn’t callDinner is spoiled

Judgements:“You're wrong”“You're bad”“You're inconsiderate”“You're a jerk”“You shouldn't do that”

Emotions:AngerAnxietyFearAbandonment



No. 4: Turn complaints into requests.Many needsImpossible to meet allRequest respectfullyCreate the “Win/Win”Avoid the Uglies



No. 5: Tell YOUR TruthThoughtsFeelingsNeedsWants“In to me I see”Respect and love us for who we areNo truth = No connection



No. 5: Tell YOUR TruthConflictPainArgumentsFearUse the Map StructurePracticeSimple – Effective - Practical


Create Your Future Together

We need to survivebefore we can thrive.

Build on this.Thank you for listening.

Documents

The Map