The Great Paste Caper

8/14/2019 The Great Paste Caper

1/31

The Great Paste Caper

By

d.s. Levy


2/31

ACT I

Scene 1

(An empty stage.

(TEDDY enters.)

TEDDY(sighing)

Wow, business is bad. Stupid dental association.

(TABITHA enters.)

TABITHAOh hey, boss. Whats up?

TEDDYTabitha. Nothing much. Just finished the quarterlyreport and heading home early.

TABITHAHows it going out there?

TEDDYHonestly? Were way under for the week. I reallyshouldnt take any time off--you know, I should staylate and try to figure out why business is so bad--butits my moms 743rd birthday. Shed be crushed if Imissed it.

TABITHAIm sure shed understand. She cant get mad at you for

working, right?

TEDDYSure she can. Shes my mom. Besides, Im burned out.You can only spend so much time thinking about teethbefore you need a break. Look what happened to Tom!

(At the mention of his name, TOM runs onto thestage. He is frantic and nervous, quick in hismotions and highly agitated at all times.)

TOMYou said my name!

TABITHAHey Tom.

TOM(ignoring her)

You said it. You said my name. Why did you say my name?

(CONTINUED)


3/31

CONTINUED: 2.

TEDDYI just said it. We werent talking about you.

TOMOpen your mouth.

TEDDYTom, I really dont--

TOMDo it...or else.

(TEDDY sighs and opens his mouth wide. TOM peersin, checking his teeth.)

TOMJust as I suspected. You have teeth.

(TEDDY, his mouth still open, tries to say "Of

course I do" but it comes out unintelligible.)

TOMWhat was that? Are you threatening me?

(TEDDY closes his mouth.)

TEDDYNo, Tom. I just said of course I do. Why wouldnt Ihave teeth?

TOMAh yes. Very good defense. You have won this round

Captain Stringbottom but the war is far from over. Weshall meet again or else we will!

(TOM pauses a moment, almost aware of the nonsensehes just spouted, but finally shakes his head andexits.)

TABITHAWow.

TEDDYIf I ever START to get that bad, tell me to retire, OK?

TABITHAYou ever get THAT bad, Ill put you completely out ofyour misery, dont worry.

TEDDYThanks. You just starting your shift?

(CONTINUED)


4/31

CONTINUED: 3.

TABITHAYep.

TEDDYWell good luck. I spoke to Tulip, down in research, andshe said that the reason business is slow is because

kids have found a way to keep their baby teeth.

TABITHAAre you serious?

TEDDYShe doesnt have any hard evidence but its adisturbing theory all the same.

TABITHAHmph. Why would you even WANT to keep your baby teeth?

TEDDY

Beats me. Im beginning to wonder why we need our ownteeth at all. Dentures would work just fine.

TABITHATom would probably steal them.

TEDDYGood point. Well, good luck, OK?

TABITHAYeah, thanks. And tell your mom happy birthday?

TEDDY

Sure thing.

(TEDDY exits.)

TABITHAKids keeping their baby teeth, huh? Weird.

(laughs)Too much more of that and I could be out of a job!

(Suddenly, its not so funny. She stops laughingand looks worried.

(She exits.)

END SCENE


5/31

4.

Scene 2

(A boardroom.)

(Door swings open and OSCAR enters followed bySAM, DELILAH, JACKSON, and various professionallooking people. They sit around the boardroom

table, OSCAR at the head of the table upstagefacing the audience.)

OSCARThank you all for being here this morning. As you know,our newest product hit the market three weeks ago andstocks have tripled.

ALL(passionless)

Yay.

OSCAR

(sincerely)Please try to contain your excitement.

SAMIm sure I speak for everyone here when I say we aretruly sorry to have had such an outburst of emotion.The news, you see, is all very exciting.

OSCARIndeed it is. In fact, we are now ready to start phasetwo of our plan.

DELILAH

Are you sure? The product has only been on the marketfor three weeks. How can we be certain that everyone isusing it?

SAMDelilah has a good point. Wouldnt we want to wait?Dont we want to make sure as many people are using ourproduct as possible before we move on to phase two?

OSCARYou have a point but the news Ive gotten is that weare outselling the competition ten to one.

(The others look confused.)

OSCARIn other words, for every one person who buys anotherproduct, ten are buying ours.

(The others still look confused.)

(CONTINUED)


6/31

CONTINUED: 5.

OSCAROk, really? Whats so hard to understand about that?

DELILAHNo, we get it, sir. Its just that it doesnt meanmuch.

OSCARWhat do you mean?

SAM"Ten to one" sounds good but how many people is that?What if some people just arent buying this kind ofproduct at all?

OSCAROh, my dear Sam, dont you get it? Its not like wereselling something no one needs like throw pillows orunderwear. Were selling the single most important

product known to human kind! The one product they cantlive without. Without our product, no one falls inlove, babies arent born, promotions arent got, thevery fabric of existence as we know it ceasesto...ceases to...

SAMExist?

OSCARExactly! We are not just selling an important product,ladies and gentlemen. We are saving the world!

(All but JACKSON applaud in a very business-likefashion.)

OSCARJackson? Why arent you clapping with the others?Werent you moved by my speech?

JACKSON(clears throat)

Oh yes. Of course. Its just that...

OSCARJust that?

JACKSONWell...were only selling toothpaste you know.

(All except JACKSON and OSCAR gasp. OSCAR rubs histemples.)

(CONTINUED)


7/31

CONTINUED: 6.

OSCARMy dear boy. We are not ONLY selling toothpaste. We areselling the BEST toothpaste. Havent you seen ournewest commercial?

JACKSON

Actually, no, I havent but I dont see why thatmatters. Its still just toothpaste.

(All gasp again.)

OSCARMaybe you need a reminder of just how special ourtoothpaste is. Sam, Delilah, go get the commercial.

SAMYes, sir!

DELILAHRight away, sir!

(They exit.)

OSCARI think youll see, Jackson, that our product is unlikeanything on the market today.

(SAM and DELILAH return.)

SAMIts ready boss.

OSCARExcellent. Play it.

(DELILAH points a remote to an empty portion ofthe stage. The lights dim as the "commercial"plays.)

(BOY enters. He is dressed in his pajamas, hishair messy. He has just gotten out of bed. Heyawns and walks to a sink as VOICE begins tonarrate.)

VOICEAnother morning has dawned and its time to brush yourteeth. But whats this? Youre out of toothpaste!

(BOY puts his hands to either side of his face andmakes an "Oh no!" face.)

VOICETheres no need to fear. Your mom went shopping lastnight.

(CONTINUED)


8/31

CONTINUED: 7.

BOYWhew! Mom! I need some toothpaste.

(MOM enters.)

MOM

Here you go, son.

BOYThis isnt my usual toothpaste.

MOMYoure right. This is new Infinity Paste!

BOYInfinity Paste? What makes it special?

VOICEWere glad you asked!

(During the following explanation, MOM and BOYmake cheesy, over-enthused reactions to the product information.)

VOICEInfinity Paste is the first toothpaste of its kind. Aresult of years of scientific research and animaltesting, Infinity Paste will prevent cavities, plaqueand gingivitis. Its so powerful, it will even keep youfrom ever losing your teeth!

BOY

What about my baby teeth?

VOICEKeep em! After all, you only get one set of babyteeth. Why should you have to lose them?

BOYGood point, mister!

MOMDoes that mean youll have more teeth to eat yourvegetables with?

BOY(whining)

Mom!

VOICESure does, Mom! In fact, studies have shown that bykeeping our baby teeth, people are happier and moreproductive. You see, having more teeth means you can

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


9/31

CONTINUED: 8.

VOICE (contd)chew twice as fast. Just think how nice it would beonly using HALF your lunch hour!

MOMI could get a lot more done at work, thats for sure!

VOICEThats right!

BOYWow, Infinity Paste sounds too good to be true.

VOICEIts real alright. Infinity Paste is made by Continuum,Incorporated. Thats a name you can trust! So make sureyou switch to Infinity Paste. Youll never lose anothertooth!

MOMThanks Infinity Paste!

BOYThanks Infinity Paste!

(The commercial ends. BOY, MOM and VOICE exit. Thelights come back up on the same board room scene.)

OSCARWell?

JACKSONYou cant be serious.

OSCARPardon me?

JACKSONYoure telling me that Infinity Paste lets you keepyour baby teeth and has no side effects?

OSCARWell, yes and no.

JACKSONGo on.

OSCARSam, explain.

SAMAh, yes, well you see...the thing is...actually...

(mumbles something)

(CONTINUED)


10/31

CONTINUED: 9.

JACKSONWhat was that?

(SAM mumbles again.)

DELILAH

The truth is, Jackson, that Infinity Paste does indeedlet you keep your baby teeth. There ARE a few littleside-effects.

JACKSONSuch as?

DELILAHUm...you see...kids who use it kind of...turninto...monsters.

JACKSON(emotionless)

Monsters.

SAMMonsters.

JACKSONYou cant be serious.

OSCAROh, were serious. And Im serious that if you evenTHINK about telling anyone outside of this room aboutthis, youll be sorry.

JACKSONWhat are you going to do, have me put in prison orsomething?

OSCARWorse. Well make you brush your teeth.

(Everyone in the room except for JACKSON and OSCARgasp. One person faints, the idea of this punishment too much to consider.)

JACKSONFine. Ill keep my mouth shut.

OSCARI thought you might see things our way. OK, so as forphase two. We will wait one month and then put our planinto action. By this time next year, well all be richbeyond our wildest dreams!

(CONTINUED)


11/31

CONTINUED: 10.

(OSCAR laughs maniacally and the others join him.Only JACKSON does not smile. He looks lost inthought as the lights fade out.)

END SCENE

Scene 3

(Night on a city street.

(COLLETE is walking home from the supermarket.Poking out of her bag is a big TOOTHPASTE TUBEwith the words "Infinity Paste" printed on theside.

(TEDDY enters. He is wearing a cloak or jacket tohide his wings. He isnt watching where hes goingand bumps into COLLETE.)

COLLETEHey! Watch it mister!

TEDDYOh, sorry. Right. I...I wasnt watching. My bad.

COLLETE(abashed)

No, its fine. Im sorry I yelled. Just...watch whereyoure going, OK?

TEDDYYeah. Thanks.

(notices TOOTHPASTE TUBE)Thats a pretty big tube of toothpaste you have there.

COLLETEBig family. Lots of teeth.

TEDDYRight. What kind of toothpaste is that anyway? Ivenever seen it.

COLLETEYoure awfully interested in toothpaste.

TEDDYWell, Im kind of in the business.

COLLETEOf paste?

(CONTINUED)


12/31

CONTINUED: 11.

TEDDYNope. Teeth.

COLLETEOh, so youre a dentist.

TEDDYNope.

COLLETEOoookay.

(There is an awkward pause. Finally, TEDDY hurrieson with his question.)

TEDDYSo what kind of toothpaste is that?

COLLETE

Um, its Infinity Paste.

TEDDYNever heard of it.

COLLETEYouve got to be kidding me! Its only the best sellingtoothpaste in, like, the world!

TEDDYIf you say so.

COLLETE

Ask anybody and theyll say the same.

(JIMMY and SUZY enter. They cross the stage behindCOLLETE and TEDDY, talking.)

COLLETEGo on, ask them.

TEDDYFine.

(to JIMMY and SUZY)Hey, you two. Can I ask you something?

JIMMYWhats up?

TEDDYMy friend here--

(CONTINUED)


13/31

CONTINUED: 12.

COLLETEFriend?

TEDDYQuiet. Anyway, my friend here and I have a bet andmaybe you two can help us settle it.

SUZYSure, glad to help.

TEDDYOK, can you tell me what is the best selling toothpastein the whole world?

JIMMYThats easy.

SUZYYeah, you guys actually BET on that?

TEDDYJust tell me. What is it?

JIMMYInfinity Paste!

SUZYInfinity Paste!

COLLETESee? Told you so.

(JIMMY ans SUZY exit, shaking their heads.)

TEDDYOK, so what makes this toothpaste so special?

COLLETEIt tastes great, for one thing and you never lose anyof your baby teeth for another. Its awesome.

TEDDYWait, what did you just say?

COLLETEIts awesome?

TEDDYNo, before that.

COLLETEWatch where youre going?

(CONTINUED)


14/31

CONTINUED: 13.

TEDDYNo, after that but before the very last thing you said.

COLLETEYou never lose your baby teeth.

TEDDYRight. But thats impossible. You have to lose yourbaby teeth or your adult teeth will have nowhere elseto go.

COLLETEYou would think so but turns out your adult teeth willjust grow out of the roof of your mouth.

TEDDYThat sounds painful!

COLLETE

Oh, it is, but its no worse than teething. Plus, whentheyre all grown in you have two sets of teeth. Allthe better to chew with. Its cool. I can eat a wholesteak in under two minutes.

TEDDYThats...unhealthy.

COLLETEI said I COULD, not that I DID. Well, anyway, youshould pick some Infinity Paste up. Everyone is usingit.

(chuckles)

Hey, good thing theres no such thing as the toothfairy, right?

TEDDY(cautiously)

What do you mean?

COLLETEWell, shed be out of a job! Take it easy, mister.

(COLLETE exits.)

TEDDYShes right. I have a very bad feeling about this.

(TEDDY exits as the lights fade to black.)

END SCENE


15/31

14.

Scene 4

(Dispatch office of Tooth Fairy Headquarters. Agroup of tooth fairies is gathered. They aretalking, nervous and anxious.)

TULIPI dont know why Teddy called us here.

TERRENCEMaybe its to give us all a promotion.

TOMThe space bunnies have huge teeth and they eat purplecarrots.

TABITHAThats great, Tom. And Terrence, I doubt were gettingpromotions. Just the other day, Teddy was telling me

that business isnt so good.

TIK TOKI have noticed things slowing down. Last week I onlytook in three teeth...for the whole week! I used topull in a hundred times that many.

TOLLBOOTHJust last night I put in a full eight hours andnothing, not so much as one bicuspid.

TABITHASee, somethings wrong.

(TEDDY enters. Hes holding a tube of InfinityPaste.)

TEDDYAnd I know what the problem is.

TOMI knew it. Space bunnies.

TEDDYClose, but no. Its this toothpaste. I checked andsales of this stuff is through the roof. Almost everycountry in the world is using it.

TULIPAh, that explains it!

(The others look at her quizically).

(CONTINUED)


16/31

CONTINUED: 15.

TULIP(explaining)

I was talking to Theo--hes the guy who runs our Spaindevision--and he was reporting that some new producthit the market that kept people from losing teeth;especially children!

TEDDYThats the stuff, all right. We are in serious trouble,my fellow fairies. It looks like were out of a job.

TILLERIm afraid its worse than that.

TULIPHow can it get worse? I have expensive tastes and Ijust bought a new house!

TERRENCE

And I just put a deposit down on a cruise for me andthe family.

TEDDYLet Tiller talk. Hes been here longer than any of us.Go ahead Tiller.

TILLERWell, you see, its all very simple. We tooth fairiesonly exist because we have a reason. Without a reason,we arent needed.

TABITHA

Wait, you arent suggesting...(she trails off)

TILLERYep. If we arent needed, we will cease to exist.

(There is a moment of stunned silence.)

TOMSpace bunnies are looking pretty good now, arent they?

(TEDDY is the first to snap out of theircollective shock.)

TEDDYOK, we have to do something.

TULIPBut what can we do?

(CONTINUED)


17/31

CONTINUED: 16.

TEDDYWell, maybe we can ask the makers of Infinity Paste tostop selling their product.

TABITHAWe cant.

TILLERThat would violate the first law: Thou shalt notcontradict adults when they say the tooth fairy doesnot exist.

TIK TOKBesides, even if you showed them your wings and theybelieved you, youd wind up as some kind of labexperiment and wed all be arrested for repeatedbreaking and entering.

TOLLBOOTH

Who knows how many houses weve snuck into, right?

TIK TOKExactly.

TEDDYWell, we have to do something!

TABITHAFace it, Teddy. It looks the age of tooth fairies iscoming to an end.

(TEDDY slams his fist on a table.)

TEDDYNo! I cant accept that. There must be a way to stopthis...this...

(looks at the tube of toothpaste)...this Continuum, Inc. from making their toothpaste. Ihave to try!

(TEDDY exits, angry.)

(The others stare at him, uncertain.)

TABITHAHes right. We have to try.

(She sees the others arent going to go with her.She shakes her head and exits.)

(An uncomfortable silence draws out amongst thegroup of tooth fairies until TOM speaks.)

(CONTINUED)


18/31

CONTINUED: 17.

TOMOK, so the space bunnies like cabbage, you see--

(The other fairies groan and exit.)

TOM

What?! No seriously, what?(as he exits)

Youll be sorry! On day youll see a space bunny andyoull wonder what to do and itll be like "You lookyummy" and youll be like "Why didnt I listen toTom?!"

(His voices trails off as the lights fade toblack.)

END SCENE

Scene 5

(TEDDY enters. Hes wearing his coat to hid hiswings. He sees a group of kids huddled aroundsomething. Their backs are to him.)

TEDDYHey, kids. Its pretty late for you all to be out here,isnt it?

(One of the kids turns and looks at him. TEDDYtakes a step back as the audience sees this is noboy--its a monster!)

TEDDYOh, well, right. I can see youre all busy. Ill justhead back this way and--

(The monsters rush to surround him. They growl andsnap at TEDDY, closing in on him, ready to beathim senseless.)

TEDDYHelp!

(A whistle pierces the scene and the monsters lookup, terrified of the sound. They scamper off, awayfrom whoever made that terrible whistling sound.)

(JACKSON enters.)

TEDDYWho are you?

(CONTINUED)


19/31

CONTINUED: 18.

JACKSONNames Jackson.

TEDDYIs that a first name or a last name?

JACKSONIts the name of someone who just saved you from beingeaten.

TEDDYRight, well, thanks.

JACKSONDont mention it.

TEDDYWhat were those things?

JACKSONMonsters.

TEDDYYeah, I could see that. I mean, where did they comefrom?

JACKSONMommy and daddy monsters.

TEDDYForget I asked.

JACKSONNo, hey, sorry. Im just having a little fun. You haveto find the humor in things or you go crazy. Thosemonsters arent really monsters, per se.

TEDDYWhat do you mean?

JACKSONTheyre children.

TEDDYOK, now I KNOW youre goofing on me.

JACKSONNo, really. They were children until they started usingInfinity paste and then, well, you saw what they arenow.

(CONTINUED)


20/31

CONTINUED: 19.

TEDDYHow do you know that toothpaste is to blame? It couldbe anything! IF youre even telling the truth and theyreally were children once.

JACKSON

Oh, Im telling the truth. See, I used to work forContinuum, Inc.

TEDDYUse to?

JACKSONWhat can I say? You make one little threat of going tothe media and telling them what Infinity Paste reallydoes and they fire you, take away your private jet, andhave you committed to an insane asylum. What reporterwould believe me now?

TEDDYThats awful. Im sorry. But I think youre better off.

JACKSONHow do you figure?

TEDDYHow could you really continue working for a companythat turned kids into monsters?

JACKSONMy paychecks were always on time?

TEDDYThere isnt enough money in the world to make somethings right.

JACKSONI suppose you have a point. But still, I have a PRIVATEJET and now I have to fly coach.

TEDDYThere are worse things.

JACKSONLike what?

(TEDDY thinks for a moment before obviously comingto a decision.)

TEDDYWhat if I told you Im about to lose my job too?

(CONTINUED)


21/31

CONTINUED: 20.

JACKSONId say welcome to the club.

TEDDYOK, and what if I told you that when I do, Ill ceaseto exist.

JACKSONId say youre being a little over dramatic.

(TEDDY shrugs off his coat, revealing his wings.)

JACKSONWhat in the world?

TEDDYI can explain.

JACKSON

Id love to hear this.

TEDDYOK, well, its kind of like...

(thinks)Right, so Ive got some good news and some bad news.The good news is that tooth fairies really do exist.

JACKSONAnd the bad news?

TEDDYThey wont exits much longer unless you help us.

JACKSONWhy me?

TEDDYBecause you know your way around Continuum, Inc. and Ithink you want to prevent kids from becoming monsters.And because I dont have a better idea.

JACKSONThis is crazy!

TEDDYThis is serious.

(JACKSON thinks it over for a moment before sayinghis next line.)

JACKSONAlright, Ill help you. On one condition.

(CONTINUED)


22/31

CONTINUED: 21.

TEDDYWhats that?

(JACKSON steps closer to TEDDY and whispers in hisear. TEDDY nods.)

TEDDYThat can be arranged. Cmon, we have to get the others.

(They exit.)

END SCENE

Scene 6

(The boardroom at Continuum, Inc. OSCAR has calleda meeting to discuss phase two.)

OSCAR

It has been a month. Were finally ready to begin phasetwo of our plan.

DELILAHI still think its too early.

OSCARDelilah?

DELILAHYes?

OSCAR

Is your name Oscar?

DELILAHUm, no...thats your name.

OSCARAnd are you the boss of this company?

DELILAHUh...no?

OSCAR(yelling)

Then I dont care what you think? Is that clear? Weremoving on to phase two!

DELILAHOK, Im sorry. Sheesh.

(CONTINUED)


23/31

CONTINUED: 22.

OSCARDoes anyone else have any objections?

(Everyone gathered mumbles that they dont.)

OSCAR

Good. OK, Sam, would you please explain to everyonehere what phase two is all about?

SAMUm...yeah...right. Well, phase two is about money.

(Everyone perks up at this.)

SAMRight...so...the first step is to stop production ofInfinity Paste.

(Everyone looks shocked and gasps.)

OSCARThats right, everyone. We will no longer be makingInfinity Paste.

DELILAHWith all due respect, boss...isnt that a stupid thingto do?

OSCARNot at all. Sam?

SAM

Right, well, were going to introduce new InfinityPaste 2.

DELILAHWhy?

OSCARThis is my favorite part.

SAMBecause Infinity Paste 2 makes teeth fall out.

DELILAHWhat?! Thats insane! Why would anyone buy that?

OSCARWe wont be advertising it any differently. In fact,well be focusing on the great new taste and theimproved whitening effects. People will buy it, trustme.

(CONTINUED)


24/31

CONTINUED: 23.

DELILAHAnd when their teeth start to fall out?

SAMOur marketing department is convinced that people willnot complain.

DELILAHWhy in the world would they NOT complain?

SAMBecause they will be encouraged to put their teethunder their pillows at which point we will sneak intotheir rooms and exchange their teeth for money.

OSCARThat was my idea. Im so brilliant!

(to an extra)Thats why Im the boss.

DELILAHCorrect me if Im wrong but isnt that like the toothfairy?

(JACKSON enters.)

JACKSONThats exactly like the tooth fairy.

OSCARI was wondering where you were. Glad you decided toshow up.

JACKSONYes, well, I had to take care of a few things. Dontworry, I think I caught the important parts.

DELILAHCan you believe this, Jackson? I mean, it was one thingwhen we were turning the kids into monsters. I can dealwith that. But making them lose their teeth? Thatsjust evil!

JACKSONYour boundaries worry me.

DELILAHWhat can I say? Im a complicated gal.

JACKSONOscar, what reason would you possibly have forcollecting teeth from children?

(CONTINUED)


25/31

CONTINUED: 24.

OSCARWell, you see my dear Jackson, were going to open anew division of Continuum, Inc. Were going to startselling candy.

JACKSON

Oookay...

OSCARHere, lets try some, shall we?

(He claps his hands and two SCIENTISTS enter. Eachone carries a tray of colorful hard candies.)

OSCARHelp yourself.

(Everyone except JACKSON takes a piece and enjoysit.)

JACKSONI still dont understand why you need teeth.

OSCAR(to SCIENTISTS)

Would you please tell us the secret ingredient in ourcandy?

SCIENTISTS(together)

Human teeth, sir.

(Everyone spits their candy out.)

JACKSONThats disgusting!

DELILAHOh goodness, I cant believe I ate that!

SAMI took a piece and I even knew it was made out ofteeth! Whats wrong with me?!

(SAM puts his head on the table and cries.)

JACKSONThis is low, Oscar, even for you. You must be stopped.

OSCAROh please, and who is going to stop me?

(CONTINUED)


26/31


27/31

CONTINUED: 26.

TOM(abashed)

Im just saying.

JACKSONOscar, I just cant let you do this.

OSCARYou keep saying that and yet Im pretty sure Im doingit. Theres nothing you can do.

JACKSONWell, maybe the news media could get involved. Maybethey could find out how you turned kids into monstersand plan to feed the rest of them candy made from theirown teeth!

OSCARIm sure that would be bad but do you see any news

media here? I dont think so. Theres no one here totell the world the great things Ive done. Sorry.

(OSCAR laughs maniacally.)

JACKSONI guess youre right. But just for the record, youdont deny the accusations I just threw at you?Everything I said is true?

OSCAR(exasperated)

Fine, if it will make you happy. Yes, its all true.

Im the greatest villain of them all. I turned kidsinto monsters. Im going to feed them their teeth. AndIm going to make oodles of money doing it!

JACKSONThanks. Tabitha, did you get all that?

(TABITHA steps forward, holding out a hand-heldrecorder.)

TABITHAYep. Every word.

OSCARWhats this?

TABITHAWell, it just so happens that my half-sister works forCNN. I called her up and she cant WAIT to get thistape.

(CONTINUED)


28/31

CONTINUED: 27.

OSCAROh, I see how were playing this. Guards, grab her.

(No one moves.)

OSCAR

I said, guards, grab her!

(Still, no one moves.)

OSCAR(to those gathered)

Why arent you grabbing her?

DELILAHNot really in my job description.

SAMIm more of a reading, bookworm type. I hate physical

violence.

OSCAR(to extras)

What about all of you?

(They shrug.)

OSCARUnbelievable. Fine, Ill do it.

(OSCAR gets up and advances on TABITHA. The othertooth fairies get in his way.)

OSCARGet out of my way.

TEDDYNo. Your rain of dental terror has come to an end,Oscar. Tabitha, get that tape to your sister. It shouldmake for interesting watching tonight.

TABITHASure thing.

(TABITHA exits.)

OSCARYou cant do this! Youll ruin me!

JACKSONThats the idea. Oh, and Oscar, youre fired.

(CONTINUED)


29/31

CONTINUED: 28.

OSCARYou cant fire me, Im the boss.

(BIG BOSS enters.)

BIG BOSS

Actually, IM the boss.

(Everyone gasps.)

TILLERWhore you?

BIG BOSSIm the CEO of Continuum, Inc.

TERRENCE(pointing to OSCAR)

Then who is he?

BIG BOSSMy son. Ive been away on vacation and had no idea whathe was doing.

(to TEDDY)Im very sorry this all happened. It was always ourintention to make Infinity Paste available for adultsonly. I had no idea that it turned kids into monsters.

OSCAR(whining)

But Dad!

BIG BOSSAnd as for you! Youre in big trouble when we get home!Now, get in the car. Were leaving.

(OSCAR exits, head hung low.)

JACKSONWhat happens next?

BIG BOSSWeve got a lot of work ahead of us, actually. A lot ofdamage control. Jackson, how would you like to runthings around here?

JACKSONThats tempting, sir, but Ive recently acceptedanother job offer.

BIG BOSSIm sorry to hear that.

(CONTINUED)


30/31

CONTINUED: 29.

(BIG BOSS turns to address TEDDY and the othertooth fairies.)

BIG BOSSAs for you. Maybe we can work together in the future.After all, tooth fairies and a toothpaste company

working side by side could make quite a profit.

TEDDYWith all due respect, sir, no. Thank you, but itsbetter the world goes back to not exactly knowing if weexist or not.

BIG BOSSSuit yourself.

(to his company)Lets go, everyone. We have a lot of work to do.

(BIG BOSS, DELILAH, SAM, and extras exit.)

TILLERWell played, Teddy. Good job, my boy.

TEDDYThanks, Tiller.

TIK TOKYeah, not bad, man. I guess this means we can go backto work, huh?

TERRENCESweet. I was getting bored. Itll be nice to be able to

buy that stuff I like...whats it called?

TOLLBOOTHFood?

TERRENCEThats it!

TULIPYeah, I could go for a big ol cheese burger right now.

(The others mumble in agreement and exit. TULIPhangs back.)

TULIP(to JACKSON and TEDDY)

How about you two? Coming?

TEDDYWell be along in a moment.

(CONTINUED)


31/31

CONTINUED: 30.

(TULIP shrugs and exits.)

JACKSONLooks like everythings going to work out, huh?

TEDDY

Yep. And about our agreement.

JACKSONRight.

(TEDDY pulls out a pair of wings or goes off-stageto get them. He hands them to JACKSON.)

TEDDYYou start on Monday.

(Lights out.)

END PLAY

Documents

The Great Paste Caper