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1. TitlePage2. INTRODUCTION3. CHAPTER1:

RELIGION4. CHAPTER2:THE

LAW5. CHAPTER3:

WARFAREANDCONFLICT

6. CHAPTER4:CULTURE

7. CHAPTER5:FINANCE

8. CHAPTER6:SCIENCE

9. CHAPTER7:NATION-BULIDING

10. CHAPTER8:POLITICS

11. SELECTBIBLIOGRAPHY

12. Copyright

‘[Historyis]littlemorethantheregisterofthe

crimes,folliesandmisfortunesofmankind.’

EDWARDGIBBON,HISTORIAN

We see history

throughadistortedglass.School teaches us thatthe tide of events flowsfrom the decisions ofvisionary leaders or thedemands of the people.It doesn’t. Because forevery wartime strategyby a Churchill orNapoleon, for everysurge of bloodyrevolution, there hasbeenanother instanceofa trivial mistake by a

scientist, monarch ortelephone operator thathas also irrevocablychangedthenation.Few Britons know

that Germany lost theFirstWorldWarbecausea porter at a provincialEnglish railway stationmisheardawordshoutedfrom a train, or that theBlack Death was(allegedly) the result ofPope Gregory IX

believing cats were inleague with the Devil.They are unaware ofthese facts becausehistorians havetraditionallyneglectedordeliberately ignored theextenttowhichBritain’shistoryhasbeendefinedbymistakes.No matter how

brilliant the mind,everyone will at somepointmake a judgement

that turns out badly.That’s not really whatthis book is about. Thisis a study of minoroversights that wouldnormally have resultedin nothing special, butdue to exceptionalcircumstance they haveleft the nation foreverchanged.Some such lapses

were caused by humanfailings: German tailor

Franz Muller started afashionforanewtypeofhat because he lost hisnerve after murdering astranger in eastLondon.Others were not: itwould be unfair tocriticise HaroldMacmillan for resigningas Prime Minister afterhe had been diagnosedwith cancer – only todiscover later that thediagnosis had been a

mistake. But in almostevery case, the errorwouldhaveamountedtonothing had it not beenmagnified by humanflaw: as soon asMacmillan made hisdecision, his politicalrivals scrambled overeachother toelbowhimaside and take his placeonthepodium.Tracing these events

through history, you

don’t just recognisepatterns,youalsonoticeindividualswho crop uptime and again.Sometimes you can seethem change fromCassandra-like heraldsofdoomstandingonthesidelinesandwarningoferrors which they alonehave noticed, to theperpetrators of just thesamesortofblunder.Forevery Lord Cardigan,

whose snobbery andobsession withregulations resulted inboth the Charge of theLight Brigade and theBlackBottleaffair,thereis a Robert Walpole,who may have warnedof thefollyof theSouthSea Bubble, but wasmoreshort-sightedwhenit came to the future of10 Downing Street.Winston Churchill

appears as much asanyone in this bookbecause he was ingovernment during thetwogreatconflictsofthelast 100 years – theperfect time and placefor errors withmonumental outcomes.It is notable, then, thathisbiggestblundercameduring the campaign forthe 1945 GeneralElection. As a war

commanderhewassolidas a rock, but duringpeacetime, and as apolitician rather than astatesman, he couldmake a gaffe as seriousasanyone.This is a history of

how a nation can veeroff course when simplemistakes combine withhuman failing andextraordinarycircumstances. It is a

historyofhowBritainisas much a product oferrorasdesign.

GarethRubin,2014

It is in the very natureof religion to demandthat many ideas aretaken on faith – andnothingismorelikelytoproduce a mistake thanthe failure to check thatwhatyouhavebeentoldistrue.Nowonder,then,that religions have oftenbeen the cause of

catastrophic errors.Nowadays, thepronouncements ofreligiousleadersareheldup to the harshestscrutiny,butthepast,onthe other hand, isanothercountry.

THEGREATCATMASSACRE–SPREADINGTHEPLAGUE,1232In 1232 the Vatican,

undertheblatantlycatistPope Gregory IX,apparently made one ofthe most bacteria-friendlypronouncementsofalltimewhenitissueda papal circularsuggesting everydomestic cat wassecretly in league withtheDevil and should bemassacred without amoment to lose. Itbecame a very

dangerous time to befurryandlikefireplaces.‘OK,’ replied the

more impressionablesouls of Europe, ‘thistime tomorrow, Tiddlesgetsit.’The cats, had they

been able to speak,might have pointed outthat they were only inleague with people wholiked to tickle theirtummies. And – they

may have gone on tosay/miaow–somewherearoundthemiddleofthefourteenth centurywhenbrown rats would bespreading a certaindisease throughout theland, the cats’ two-legged former friendsmight be kickingthemselves for havingstrung the first line ofanti-rodent defences upby their tails. Oh yes,

like a bowl full ofcream,revengewouldbeadishbestservedcold.The Pope’s

pronouncement wassomething of a reversaloffortunesforcats,whohad been favoured bythe Romans and evenrevered as divine inancientEgyptfor–yes–keeping away rats. Tosuddenly find that fromLondon to Dundee it

was every cat forhimself must have beenabitofashock.The strain of Plague

that hit Britain in 1348came from Mongoliaand China on merchantships. Incredibly, itwiped out around halfthepopulationofEuropeand the total extinctionof the human specieswas not out of thequestion.Thingsweren’t

quitesobad inEngland,though–only a thirdofthe population of 4.2millionkeeledover,withthepeasantrybearingthebrunt. One reason whythe aristocrats ofBritainfared a tiny bit betterthan the commoners isthat many of them hadconsidered Gregory’sanimosity to anythingthatpurredtobeslightlyweird. They had quite

liked their cats andweren’t overly keen onturning them intopillowcases any timesoon. As a result, inmany of the richerhouses Mr Fluffy livedto fight another day andtokeepouttherats,theirfleas and their littlefriends, the Yersiniapestis bacteria. So thenobs lived on but thepeasants dropped by the

field-full.In fact, when the

Black Death struck, ifanyone should haveguessed what wasspreading the disease, itought to have been thePope – the illness wasfirst recorded in theBible (2 Samuel) asGod’s revenge on thePhilistines for stealingtheArkof theCovenantfrom Israel three

thousand years ago andthe text links it to anincrease in the rodentpopulation.The disease also

shocked the Vatican bykilling members ofreligiouscommunitiesaswell as the commonpeople who didn’tmatter. The fifty-oddmonks and friars ofMeaux Abbey inYorkshire seem to have

had an especially badtimeofit.On12August1349 alone, the abbotand fivemonks died. Inthe end, just ten of theresidents were leftrattling about the placeand wondering what onearththeyweregoingtodonow.Makingmattersworse, as the serfskeeledover, therewasadecrease in supply ofpeasant labour so the

landowners had tocompete forworkers forthe first time, leading topayment of half-decentwages and liberationfrom indenture. As oneof the monks of Meauxrecorded in the abbey’schronicle:

It should not bepassed over insilence how ourserfs at Wawne

turnedstubbornandrefused theirservice which theyowed to us. Thoseserfs, who wereserfsbybirth,beingdescended fromunfree tenants ofours sought tolighten the yoke ofservitude, underwhich they andtheirancestorsweresubjugated.Inorder

to turn them fromtheir evil ways weimprisonedthem.

Monks notwithstanding,the increased power andconfidenceonthepartofthe common folkresulting from thePlaguethinningouttheirnumbers led to ThePeasants’ Revolt of1381. Many economichistorians say the

necessary reorganisationofproductionalsoledtocapitalism as we nowknow it, which replacedfeudalism as thedominant structure ofsociety.

THOUSHALTNOTSUFFER…–THEWITCHHUNTSOFTHESEVENTEENTHCENTURYWhile the doctrine of

Papal infallibility wasthe ‘environmental’factor transmuting asingle foolishpronouncement ofGregory IX into acontinent-widepestilence, the slightlyless infallibleProtestantism was farfrom innocent when itcame to pointlessmassacres.Inthecaseofthe British witch hunts,

all it took was a singlemistranslated word inthe great King JamesBibleandanyold ladieswho lived in cottagesand looked a little bitmagical were beingburnedatthestakelikeitwas going out offashion.The King James

Version, the greatestlegacy of a monarchwho was obsessed with

identifying demonswalking the earth, wasunambiguous. It statedin clear English: ‘Thoushalt not suffer a witchto live’, thus confirmingbeyond doubt theexistence of such child-snatchersinthemindsofsimpletonsupanddownthe country. But anyonewho troubled himself togo back to the originalHebrew might just

notice that the wordinterpreted as ‘witch’actually meantsomething a bitdifferent. It is closer to‘diviners’, ‘magicians’or ‘peoplewho claim tohave supernaturalpowers’. In the time ofMoses, it seems manyfrauds wandered aroundIsrael claiming to beable to do magic andinterpret the stars or

dreams, and Mosesthought it best to havethemcloseddownbytheauthorities. Little did heknow that a fewthousand years later,Britons would berunning around burningtheir next-doorneighboursasaresult.Itwas bad news foranyone who could bedescribed as ‘a bitcackly’.

To be fair to theiraccusers, a number ofthosesenttobedrownedon the off-chance thattheywerewitchesdidn’thelp matters by tellingeveryonethattheycoulddo magic. Normally –like modern astrologersor homeopaths – theywere either boasting orcrazy.Even before King

James had taken the

English throne andpublishedhisownBible,he was reigning inScotland and showingwitchesnomercy.Intheeminently readablebookExtraordinary PopularDelusions and theMadness of Crowds(1841), the Victorianjournalist CharlesMackayrelates thestoryof a coven of Scottishwitches who had a tale

tortured out of them byJames’s authorities thatwould put Edgar AllanPoetoshame.In 1591 one Dr Fian

and his spookyaccomplice, GellieDuncan,wereputontherack after evidence –best described as‘circumstantial’ – cametolightthattheywereinleague with the Devil.Mackay picks up the

story, told to the court,after they have flownthrough the air to achurchinNorthBerwickatnight:

Arrived at the kirkthey paced aroundit withershins, thatis, in reverseof theapparent motion ofthe sun. Dr Fianthen blew into thekeyholeofthedoor,

which openedimmediatelyandallthewitchesentered.As it was pitch-dark, Fian blewwith his mouthupon the candleswhich immediatelylighted, and theDevil was seenoccupying thepulpit. He wasattired in a blackgown and hat and

the witches salutedhim by crying ‘Allhail master!’ Hisbody was hard likeiron; his faceterrible, his noselike the beak of aneagle; he had greatburning eyes; hishandsandlegswerehairy; and he hadlongclawsuponhishands and feet andhe spake with an

exceedingly gruffvoice. Hecommenced thepreachingcommanding themto be dutifulservantstohimanddo all the evil theycould. [Twowitches] asked himwhether he hadbrought the imageor picture of KingJames that they

might, by prickingit, cause pains anddiseases to fallupon him. ‘Thefatheroflies’spoketruth for once andconfessed that hehad forgotten it …When they haddone scolding, heinvitedthemalltoagrandentertainment. Anewly-buried

corpse was dug upand divided amongthem,whichwasalltheyhadinthewayofedibles.

THEY’RESTILLHERE!–THEWITCHHUNTSOFTHETWENTIETHCENTURY,1940King James may havegonetohisgravefeelingthathisworkbattlingthe

brides of Satan wasdone, but the AnglicanChurch in Britaindisagrees and still hasofficial exorcists foreach diocese. Each onecurrentlygoesintobattlewith an average of tendemons, poltergeists orwitchesperyear.Prosecutions under

theWitchcraftAct 1735have also taken placemuchmorerecentlythan

many would imagine.The thrust of the Act(which was finallyrepealed in 1951) wasnot, in fact, to outlawwitchcraft – ourparliamentarianshad,bythen, generally acceptedthatmagicwasaloadofbobbins.Itwastooutlawthose claiming to bewitches or diviners andtherefore spreadingbelief in supernatural

powers; and this waswhy itwas employed inLondon in the twentiethcentury.During the early

1940s, the Luftwaffewas inflicting a terribletollonBritishcities.Therelatives of the deadwere distraught. Thenone woman said shecould help ease theirpain.Shecouldputthemin touchwith the spirits

ofthedead–foraprice.Helen Duncan wouldprove the point byspontaneously vomitingectoplasm – which sheaccomplished byswallowing cheeseclothbefore a séance, thendramaticallyregurgitatingit.Thisoddtrickseemed

topayoffashundredsoffamilies from Londoncontacted her for news

of their loved ones whohad been killed whileaway fighting or duringtheBlitz.Then,in1941,oneofhermoreunusualevenings supposedlyincludedaghostlysailorentering the roomwearing a cap from theHMS Barnham – astriking occurrencegiven the fact thatBarnham had just beensunk and the British

governmentwaskeepingit a secret, so nocivilianswereawarethatits crew were dead.Duncan’simpressionablefollowersdeclared she had ‘thegift’. The police saidwhat she actually hadwas ‘classifiedinformation’ andarrested her. Since sherefusedtostopspreadingrumours, therewas only

one thing left to do:prosecute her forclaimingtobeawitch.Despite offering to

conduct a séance incourt toproveshereallycould speak to ghosts,Helen Duncan wasfound guilty of‘pretending to raise thespirits of the dead’ andspent eight monthsinside. When notpretending to vomit

ectoplasm, she workedinableachfactory.

The law is thepointoffriction between theindividualandthestate–a set of restrictions onpersonal freedom. Thatis because there aremany freedoms that nooneshouldhave,suchasthe freedom to pushsomeoneoffabusonanafternoon whim. Laws

also demand that youkeep others safe whenthose people reasonablyexpectyouto.Ifthelawhadstated that theRMSTitanic’slook-outhadtopresenthisbinoculars tothe captain before theship set sail, thingsmight have turned outdifferentlyformorethan1,000 passengers whofound they didn’t needthereturnhalvesoftheir

tickets.Often terrible

outcomeshavehappenedbecause keeping otherssafe would have costtime or money. But, inthe first case we’regoing to look at, theprotagonist made hiserror because hebelieved he could mockthe system, withouttaking into account thesize of the beast hewas

taunting.

CURIOSITYKILLEDTHELAWYER–THEDEATHOFROBERTTRESILIAN,1388Government istraditionally split intothree branches:legislative, executiveand judicial. Thosewhoenter the first two arefrequently accused –often with very good

reason – of only havingdone so to feather theirown nests. Yet, for along time, the thirdbranch was every bit asriddled with corruptionas the others.Corruption, however,breeds enemies: oftenthe envious, rather thanthe outraged, and theywill ensure anywrongdoing by anofficial on the take is

brought to light, even ifit is only so they cantakehisplace.Robert Tresilian, for

example, quite likedmaking cash. As athoroughlycorruptChiefJustice to the King’sBench who was alwaysready to hang an enemyof Richard II, he hadmanyways of doing so.His downfall, however,was a result of his

attempt to play bothsides in the strugglebetween the King andthe Lords Appellant, agroup of noblesdemanding a say overthe royal spendingpatterns.When thesenoblemen

roseupagainst theKingand ordered Tresilian’sarrest, Robert madehimself scarce. It wasrumoured that he had

fled abroad – whichwould have been thesensible thing to do –and the heat died down.ButTresilianhadnotrunaway to the Continent,hehadnotevengone toBerkshire: he was stillensconcedinLondon.The very least he

shouldhavedonewastokeephisheaddownandstay indoors in order tocontinueevadingjustice.

Instead, he decided toplay detective and keephis enemies under hispersonal surveillance.Donningafakebeard,hetook rooms in a houseopposite WestminsterHall, where the LordsAppellantweremeeting.In order to get a betterview, he climbed ontothe roof of anapothecary’s house,shinned down the gutter

andhid,watching toseewho came and went.Quitewhathewoulddowiththeinformationandwhy hewanted to get itpersonally instead ofasking someone else tokeepwatch,isunknown.Whatisknownis that

the Lords in the hallwerewishing theycouldget their hands onTresilian andwonderingwherehewas,whenone

of thempointedout thathewasontheothersideof the road. After acoupleofseconds,itwasdecided that a partyshould be sent over toarrest the fugitive. Theyscoured the houseoutsideofwhichhehadbeenseen,butcouldnotfindwhereTresilianhadgone. After a fewthreats, thehouseownerinformed them that he

was hiding under thetable.Surprised by this

stroke of luck, theymarched theirman backto the Hall, where theLordsorderedthathebetaken to the Tower ofLondon, whence hewould be dragged by ahorse to the executionground. But as he waspushed towards thegallows, Tresilian

scoffed at the Lords’plan.For,heannounced,he could not die. Thenhe dramatically toreopen his clothes toreveal that he wascovered in magicamulets that wouldprotect him from death.The Lords quicklyprovedhimwrong.

THEACCIDENTALABOLITIONIST–

LUKECOLLINGWOODENDSTHESLAVETRADE,1782In 1782 LukeCollingwood put in afalse insurance claimand accidentally endedthe slave trade. Itwas abit of a mistake forCollingwood, who wascaptainofaslaveship.The trade was a truly

internationalaffair.West

Africans would capturerival tribesmen, whowould be sold to Arabslave dealers. Thesewould take the slaves tothe coast, whereEuropean ships wouldtransport them to theWest Indies andAmerica to work onplantations.Slaves were a

valuablecommodity,butthe weak link in the

chain from Africanvillages to Jamaicansugarplantationswasthesea voyage. The slaveswere crammed into atiny space below decks,often not much more60cm high. The stenchof the humanwaste anddiseasefesteringintheseconditions meant that aslave ship could beidentified just by itssmell. Often the

enslaved would throwthemselves overboardthrough fear or misery.Manymore simply dieddue to the appallingconditions.Although the slave

trade was lucrative –indeed, Bristol grew fatonit–slaveryitselfwasnot something mostBritonswouldhavebeenhappy about. Britainitself had long been a

free society, with legalrights enjoyed by all.Slavery itself wasprobably illegal inBritain itself andcertainly rarelypractised.The tradewastoleratedbecauseslaveryeither in its most brutalform or in the sense ofindenturedservitudewascommon throughout theworld and because theChurch of England

didn’tseemtomind it–the Church itself ownedslaves at a plantation inthe West Indies that itpossessed. But, most ofall, Britons tolerated itbecause they simplydidn’t hear about it allthat much. LukeCollingwood, as captainof the slave ship Zong,was about to change allthat.In 1782 Collingwood

was on his way fromAfrica to the Jamaicancolonies, carrying 400slaves. But he was aninexperienced traffickerand had overloaded hisship. Down in the hold,the cargowere dying sohe decided to throw theill slaves overboard. Ofcourse, each one had asubstantial monetaryvalue, but he would beOK because they were

all insured for £30 each–afewthousandpoundsin today’s values. Hewould tell the insurersthat he had had nochoice because the shipwas running out ofwater. The insurersmight grumble, but theywould pay out; 133slaves were thereforethrowntotheirdeaths.Whenhereachedport

in England, after

dropping off hissurviving cargo in theCaribbean, his ship’sowners put in theirinsurance claim for thedead slaves. But thingsdidn’t go entirely toplan. The insurers weresuspicious and took thecasetocourt.Ofcourse,no one was reallyconcernedabout thefateof the slaves other thanas commodities and, the

court eventually foundfor the Zong’s ownersagainsttheinsurers,whowereorderedtopayup.Like any other civil

case, there was minorinterest from thenewspapers of the day,but it would soon havebeen forgotten had notone Olaudah Equianocaught sight of a report.Equiano was a freedslave, originally from

modern-day Nigeria,where he had beencaptured at the age of11. In 1783, he was 40and working in Londonasahouseservantwhenhe spotted the newsstoryabouttheZongandhadanidea.Hetookthereport to GranvilleSharp, a self-taughtlawyerwhomhethoughtwould be the man tostartafire.

For two decades,SharphadbeeninvolvedintheAbolitionistcause.Hisinteresthadbegunin1765 when a youngblack slave had beenbrought to the home ofhis brother, William, adoctor who would laterbecome surgeon to theKing.*The slave boy,

Jonathan Strong, had

been badly beaten andthen abandoned by hisowner. Once he was fitand well, Granvillefound him a job asfootmantoapharmacist,but when Strong’sformer master spottedhim two years later hetried to kidnap hisformer possession.Granville went to courtto stop him and hadStronglegallydeclareda

free man. Since then,Sharp had becomesomething of a nuisancefor slave owners, takingthem to court overanything he could thinkof. He willingly agreedtohelpEquiano.Based on

Collingwood’sinsuranceclaim,whichincludedanadmission of havingthrown many men totheir death, Sharp

attempted to haveCollingwood and theship owners prosecutedformurder. The attemptfailed but the resultingpublicity gained himmore supporters amongthe growing politicalclasses and from theQuakers, without doubtthe most radicallypoliticalof theChristiandenominations of thetime. On 22 May 1787,

the Society for theAbolition of the SlaveTrade was born,consisting of nineQuakers and threeAnglicans, includingSharp.Together theysetabout documenting thetreatment of slaves andeven brought examplesof shackles andpunishment devices toLondon, so the citizenscould see how innocent

men were being treatedas – at best – criminals.Itbecamethefirstpubliccivil rights campaign.The Society regularlywrotetonewspapersandorganised publicmeetingsandpetitionstoendtheslavetrade–onewas signed by a fifth ofthe population ofManchester, whichillustrates howdeep andwide the campaign

permeated.As the spirit of the

day turned to theAbolitionist cause, theyrecruited WilliamWilberforce MP, whooffered to introduce abill to Parliament toabolishtheslavetrade.Itwasn’t until 1807 thatWilberforce managed toget a bill through but itdid happen. And 15years later a bill was

passedtoabolishslaveryitselfinmostpartsoftheBritishEmpire.SoontheRoyalNavywasactivelydestroying the slavetrade wherever it couldfindit.Collingwood’s

attempt at insurancefraud had had globaleffects.

BUTDIDHEDOIT?–THEDEATHOF

LORDCASTLEREAGH,1822Robert Stewart,Viscount Castlereagh,was a controversialfellow. For decades hewas one of the mostinfluential men inEurope – and thereforetheworld.HisreputationrestedonhispositionasBritain’s ForeignSecretary, which

allowedhimtobuildtheEuropean system ofdiplomacythatdeliveredpeaceful butconservativegovernmentacross the continent.Hewasalsohatedbypoets.Forexample,afterthe

1819 Peterloo Massacreof political radicals,blamed on thereactionary Cabinet ofwhichCastlereaghwasaleadingmember,Shelley

wrote:

ImetmurderonthewayHe had a masquelikeCastlereaghVery smooth helooked,yetgrim;Seven bloodhoundsfollowedhimAll were fat; andwelltheymightBe in admirableplight,

Foronebyone,andtwobytwo,He tossed themhuman hearts tochewWhich from hiswidecloakhedrew.

Shelley died in July1822. Had he livedanother month hemighthaveperkedupalittletohear that Castlereaghhad been acting

distinctly oddly. In aninterview with GeorgeIV, theminister told theKing that he was beingwatchedbyamysteriousservant. His ominouswords were: ‘I amaccused of the samecrime as the Bishop ofClogher.’The Bishop, Percy

Jocelyn, had, theprevious month, beendefrocked and

prosecuted after he wasfound in the back roomof the White Lion inHaymarket with histrousersandaGrenadierGuardsman around hisankles.Sensibly,Jocelynranaway toScotland, tobecome a butler. Apopulardittyofthetimedescribedthetale:

The Devil to provethe Church was a

farceWentouttofishforaBugger.He baited his hookwith a Soldier’sarseAnd pulled up theBishopofClogher.

It is uncertain, however,whether Castlereagh (a)really had been foolishenough to do it with aGrenadier Guardsman

and was beingblackmailed, (b)hadnotbeen foolish enough todo it with a GrenadierGuardsman but wasbeing blackmailedanyway or (c) wascompletelymad.The King, very

concerned, told him tospeak to a doctor.Perhaps he was worriedthat Castlereagh hadpicked up a dose of

something he wanted toget rid of, or maybe hethoughttheministerwasone seat short of anoverall majority.Certainly, the Duke ofWellington, a chum ofthe Foreign Secretary,believeditwasthelatterand wrote toCastlereagh’s physician,asking him to see hispatient as soon aspossible.

Castlereagh, inastateof agitation, retired tohishomeinKent,wherehis wife, Amelia, tookaway all the razors tostophimkillinghimself.Ever resourceful,however, on 12 August1822hemanagedtofinda letter opener and cuthis own throat. Hisdoctor found himbleeding and recordedhis dying words:

‘Bankhead, let me fallupon your arm. Tis allover.’ It put anunambiguous end to anexceptionalcareer.*Yet, even after dying,

Castlereagh managed toinfluence legislation.Aninquiry into his deathwasheldafewdayslaterand ruled that he wasmentally ill at the time.This was a charitable

judgment because hadtherulingbeen‘suicide’,he would have had astake driven through hisheartandbeenburied inunconsecrated ground –possibly at a crossroadsin order to prevent hisghost from hauntinganyonewholivednearby(crossroads were knownto confuse ghosts, whowouldn’t know whichwaytogo).

At the time, manypeoplecomparedthefactthat Lord Castlereaghwasburiedwithfullritesin Westminster Abbeywith the fact that oneAbel Griffiths, a 22-year-old law studentwho killed himself soonafter Castlereagh, wasburiedin‘drawers,socksand a winding sheet’ atthe intersectionofEatonStreet, the King’s Road

and Grosvenor Place inLondon. (At least,accordingtoTheAnnualRegister, a recordof theyear’s political andsocial events,which hasbeen publishedcontinually since 1758,‘the disgusting part ofthe ceremony ofthrowing lime over thebodyanddrivingastakethroughitwasdispensedwith’.) The result of the

public outrage was an1823 law banningcrossroad burialsaltogether, so muchgood came from hisdeath.On the other hand,

Shelley’s friend Byronwrote:

Posterity will ne’ersurveyAnoblergravethanthis:

Here lie the bonesofCastlereaghStop, traveller, andpiss.

CLASSWARBREAKSOUTINTHECOURTS–THETICHBORNECLAIMANT,1862RogerCharlesDoughty-Tichborne was due tobecome Sir RogerDoughty-Tichborne,

baronet,uponthedemiseof his father in 1862.The only barrier to hisassumption of the titlewas that he was deadtoo. Still, that didn’tprevent him fromclaiming it. Or, to bemore precise, it didn’tpreventanobesebutcherfrom the Australianoutback claiming it, anddemanding theinheritance.

Roger had rather shothimself in the foot adecadebeforehandwhenhe decided his cousin,Katherine, was the girlforhim.But,asinatalebyShakespeare, the twofamilies were less thanoverjoyed with theprospect. There wasnothing wrong withcousins marrying – alittlebitof‘keepingitinthe family’ was quite

normal with thearistocracy and most oftheroyalsweresoinbredit was a surprise whenone turned out to lookalmost normal – it wasthe fact that he wasusually so drunk hecouldhardlysee.In 1852 Roger

therefore sold his armycommission and wenttravelling in theAmericas until he had

dried out enough tostand up unaided, atwhich point his uncleand aunt might relentand hand over theiroffspring.Onhistravels,he saw all the normalsights–theAndes,Rio–and was on his way toJamaica in 1854 whenhis ship sank to thebottomofthesea.News reached Britain

and he was legally

declared dead. But hisexcitableFrenchmother,Henriette Felicite,refused to believe hewasgone.When his father fell

offthetwigin1862,theheir presumptive to histitle became Roger’slittle brother, Alfred,whospentmoney like itwasgoingoutoffashionand nearly bankruptedhimself. But Henriette

Felicite, convinced forno apparent reason thather son was stillbreathing,beganplacingadverts in newspapersacross the globe, askingfornewsofhim.In 1865 the reply

came from a lawyer inNew South Wales. Hersonwasaliveandwell–and masquerading as afat butcher in WaggaWagga. His name was

nowTomasCastro.Castro was not the

natural choice as thealter ego of RogerCharles Doughty-Tichborne. Roger hadbeen slim, whereasTomas weighed 27stone. Having lived inFrance until he was 16,RogerhadspokenfluentFrench, whereas Tomashad mysteriouslyforgotten every word.

Interestingly, Roger’smother had brought himup inFrancebecausehehad a rare genitalmalformation and inFrance boys weredressed in girls’ clothesuntiltheageoffivesoitwas felt that wearingknickerbockers wouldgive his nether regionsmore space to developnormally. This is moreimportant to the story

thanyoumightthink.Castro’sgenitalswere

the ace up his sleeve –because they werecoincidentallymisshapen in the waythat Roger’s had been.Reports of his organtherefore had HenrietteFelicite convinced andshe sent Castro themoney to return to herbosom.Whenhearrived,Castro ‘revealed’ that

after being shipwreckedhehadbeenrescuedbyapassing ship bound forAustralia.On arrival, hehad decided to discardhiscomfortable lifeasamember of thearistocracytostartanewone as a petty criminal.From there, he workedhis way up to butchery,soheinformedher.Henriette Felicitewas

sooverjoyedthatherson

had returned to her thatshe overlooked the factthat he was now anobese tradesman with acriminal record. In theParis hotel where shemet him, she‘recognised’ himinstantly – which musthave come as a surprisetoanyoneelsetherewhohadeverclappedeyesonRogerCharlesDoughty-Tichborne and was now

presented with a manwho lookedas ifhehadeatenatown.Her family, in fact,

pointedoutthat themanin front of themwas nomore Roger CharlesDoughty-Tichborne thanshe was. Nonsense, shetoldthem,asshehandedhim £1,000 – worthperhaps £100,000 today–andpromisedthesamesumeachyear.

It was only after shetoo died, in 1868, thatthingsgotabittrickyforthe man who was tobecome known as theTichborneClaimant.Thefamily, knowing hewasa ringer, began civillegal action to strip himofthewealthhehadgothisham-likehandson.Itbecame the trial of thedecade, lasting nearly ayear and calling more

than 350 witnesses,some attesting that thiswas the Roger they hadknown since childhood,others saying if he wasRogerCharlesDoughty-Tichborne they werechimpanzees.During the trial,more

facts began to emergethat cast doubt on theClaimant’s case. Hisfirst act upon arrival inEngland, for instance,

had been to visitWappingineastLondonandenquireaboutalocalfamily by the name ofOrton. It didn’t take ageniustoconnectthistothe fact that a formeremployee in Australiahad identified him asone Arthur Orton. Inaddition,hisEnglishex-girlfriend confirmed hewasArthurOrtonandinChile a young sailor by

thatnamewasidentified.The Claimant

explained that he knewArthur Orton becausethey had workedtogether and his formeremployee and ex-girlfriend must bebizarrely confused.Orton, he said, was acriminal and haddisappeared.What ultimately sank

the case, however, was

the testimony of LordBellow, an old schoolchum of Roger’s. Hetestified that when theywere at school he hadtattooed Roger’s thigh.Thelackofsuchamarkscuppered theClaimant’scase.Fromthenon,itwasa

criminalmatter.In1873,Arthur Orton was triedfor perjury – again thetrial lasted ten months

and the judgespent fourweeks simply summingup the case. Thedefendant – a claimantno more – became aconvict sentenced to 14years of hard labour.And his barrister wasdisbarred for annoyingthejudge.The case affected the

whole of England. Itbecame a cause célèbreas the increasingly

confident and vocalmiddle classes saw it asa battle against the toffswho were bandingtogether to keep all thewealth to themselves.They believed poorRogerwas being deniedthe family silver justbecause he couldn’trememberwhichknifetoeat peas with and thecourts were in on it,denying ordinary

working men justice inthe face of money andinfluence.Incredibly,theClaimant’s causebecame the greatestmasspoliticalmovementsince the Chartists haddemanded universalmale suffrage in the1840sandBritaindidn’tsee such a movementagainuntiltheformationof the Labour Party,around the turn of the

century. HenrietteFelicite’s mistake hadchanged the politicallandscape.Orton was released

after ten years. Heattempted to make aliving on themusic hallcircuit but died inpoverty on April Fool’sDay, 1898. Fivethousand mournersattended his funeral. Bypermission of the

Tichborne family, hisgrave was marked:‘Roger CharlesDoughty-Tichborne’.

THEWRONGHAT–FRANZMULLERSTARTSATREND,1864FranzMuller, aGermantailor living in Britain,wasamurderer.Butnotjust any murderer, hewas a Moriarty-like

mastercriminalwhohadgot away with it. Or sohethought…Justbefore10pmon9

July 1864, a City clerk,ThomasBriggs,wasinafirst-classcarriageonhiswaybacktohishomeinHackney, east London.Just after 10pm, as histrain steamed throughLondon, things becamevery Agatha Christie-like. A lady in a

neighbouring carriagewas understandablyperturbedtonoticebloodflying through the openwindow and spatteringher dress. Anotherpassenger heard ‘ahorrid howling’ butpresumeditwasadog.Whenthetrainarrived

at Hackney Wickstation,twoyoungclerksentered an empty first-class carriage. They

noticed that the seatswerewet,redandstickyin aworryingway; theyspotted a silver-toppedcane,ablackleatherbagand a battered blackbeaver hat in thecarriagetoo.The clerks raised the

alarm, the train washalted and the policecalled. It wasn’t longbefore the driver of anearby train complained

about a hump on thetracksthatwaslookingabitcorpsey.In fact, Thomas

Briggs was still justaboutalive.Hissonwassent for, and identifiedall the items in thecarriage as belonging tohisfather.Exceptforthehat. His father’s hat, hesaid,wasveryspecial.Itwas a very tall top hatmade by a city hatter.

His father wouldn’t beseen dead in a blackbeaver, he insisted –especially not one thatlooked as if someonehad sat on it. Alsomissingwerehisfather’sgoldwatchandchain.Briggs died the next

day, setting the case inhistory as Britain’s firstrail-borne murder. Thenation was shocked thatsuch a thing could take

placeonthenewmethodof transport that wasbeinghailedasamodernwonder. ‘Who is safe?’asked the Telegraph. ‘Itwould be impossible toimagine circumstancesof greater apparentsecurity than thosewhich seemed tosurround Mr Briggs.Well known – expectedathome.TravellingFirstClass … If we can be

murdered thus we maybe slain in our pew atchurch, or assassinatedatourdinnertable.’Dinner-table-based

assassination thusbecame a worry for allthose who had suchtables, and descriptionsof Mr Briggs’s unusualtopper were circulatedfar and wide,supplemented by anoffer of £300 – around

£25,000 today–forhat-relatedinformation.Soon there was a

suspect. A Mr Deathinformed the police thatamanhadcomeintohisjeweller’s shop andasked foravaluationonagoldwatch chain.Theman had beendisappointed by thefigure but accepted itand exchanged it foranother chain, which

was put in a smallcardboardbox.Themanhad had a Germanaccent.Foreigners, it seemed,

were going aroundmurdering hat-wearingCity clerks in first-classcarriagesforsubstandardwatch chains, andunderstandably thepresswent ballistic. Readingone such report, a taxidriver, John Matthews,

remembered a boxmarked ‘Death’, whichhis daughter had beengivenbyafamilyfriend,Franz Muller. AndMuller had possessed ahat that fitted thedescription of thebeaver.Matthewsgaveafull description of the25-year-old killer; healso happened to haveMuller’s address andphotograph.

Unfortunately, Mullerhad set sail forAmericafour days beforehand –he had apparentlywanted to go for sometime, but had suddenlyfound themoney to buya ticket the day afterBriggswaskilled.The game afoot, the

policerushedtoMuller’slodgings, where hisformer landlords saidyes, that was his hat

(they rememberedbecauseforeigners‘worethemfunny’).ScotlandYardwason

the trail and sent threedetectives, MatthewsandDeath toNewYorkon a fast boat toapprehend Muller.Having arrived twoweeks before theirquarry – how theyamused themselvesduring that time is

unknown – they seizedMuller. They knew himfor certain because hewas wearing Briggs’stopper,whichhehadcutdown in an attempt todisguise its identity. Hewas taken straight backtoBritain.Hissubsequenttrialat

the Old Bailey, whichbegan on 27 October,mustgodowninhistoryasthemosthat-obsessed

murder trial in history.Much of the evidencewasabouthatsandtherewere arguments as tohow high the top hatshould be and whetherMuller would have hadthe skill to amend itsheight. The defencedeclared itwasallpiffle– Matthews had falselyaccused Muller for thereward money and themurdermust have taken

twomentocarryout,hator no hat. They alsoargued the mass ofhysterical newspaperstoriesmeant a fair trialwas impossible. In anunusual decision, thejudge said that all themedia reports andaccusations againstMuller had actuallyhelped matters becausethey had acquainted thejurywith the case – i.e.

they had saved time onall that drearypresentation of evidenceinthecourt.The jury took a

quarter of an hour toconvict Muller. His lastwords before he waspublicly hanged were‘Ich habe es getan’ – ‘Ididit’.Thehangingwassuch

a popular affair, withmorethan50,000people

coming to see it (many,ironically, arriving byspecialtrainserviceslaidon by the railwaycompanies due topopular demand), thatthere were constantdrunken fights androbberies among thespectators – a shamefulsight which resulted inthepoliticalpressurethatended public executionsfour years later. The

murder itself alsoresulted in the inventionof the emergencycommunicationcordthattrain passengers couldpull to slam on thebrakes, and theintroductionofwindowsbetween carriages,which were named‘Mullerlights’.Muller’s name lived

on in the world offashion too. As a result

of accidentally pickingup the wrong hat whenhe fled the scene of hiscrime, he started anational trend amongyoungmenforshortenedtoppers, which wereknown as ‘Muller cut-downs’.Ifyoubuyatophat now, it’s almostcertainlystyledonFranzMuller’s.

ACASETOOFAR–

CHARLESDILKEEXCLUDESHIMSELFFROMGOVERNMENT,1885The sex lives of MPsneverceasetoamazetheBritish public and havebeen entertaining us foraverylongtime.CharlesDilkeMPledthewayinthe Victorian era – hiswife apparently put upwith him conductingaffairs but things went

much more public thanthey had previouslywhen his sister-in-law’ssister, VirginiaCrawford, tearfullyconfessedtoherhusbandthat Dilke, the leadinglight of the LiberalParty, had ‘ruined’ herwhen she was anineteen-year-old newbride, and that they hadcontinuedtheiraffairfortwoyears.Notonlythat,

but he had taught her‘every French vice’ andthey had once had athreesome with themaid.Whatthemaidhadthought of it all she didnotdivulge.Her husband, Donald

Crawford MP, sued herfor divorce and citedDilke as a co-respondent. The casebecame terribly exciting– especiallywhenDilke

claimed that he hadnever had an affairwithVirginia, but he wasconducting onewith hermother.Attheendofthetrial, the judgegaveoneof the oddest decisionsinEnglishlegalhistory–thatVirginiahadhadanaffair with Dilke, butthere was no evidencethathehadhadonewithher.As the public stoodpondering this for a

while,Dilkemadeaveryfoolish decision: heannounced that he wasgoing to sue toclearhisname from the slur thathe was the sort of manwho would have anaffair with his brother’swife’s sister, when hewas merely the sort ofman to have an affairwithhisbrother’swife’smother.But he blundered in

the legal application.Instead of bringing thecase himself, hepetitioned the Queen’sproctor to reopen theoriginalcase.This,ruledthe judge,meant that hewas not actually a partyto the trial, merely awitness. So, throughoutthe week-long case, hewas only allowed to sitmute while all sorts ofallegations were made

about him, and he wasnot allowed to disputethem one iota. His onlychance to speak waswhen cross-examinedabout exactly what hehad done with whomand where. He lost thecaseandGladstone,whohad been expected toname Dilke in theforthcoming Cabinet,made a single markagainst his name:

‘unavailable’.Theeffectwas far-reaching. Dilkehadbeentheforemostofhis generation in theLiberals. Without hisleadership, the party ranout of steam andimploded,ensuringTorygovernments for manyyears.His decision might

even have preventedBritain becoming arepublic–Dilkewasthe

lastMP to suggest sucha thing in the House ofCommons, earning theeternal hatred of QueenVictoria – and had hegoneontobecomepartyleader and PrimeMinister who knowswhat might havehappened?Yearslater,aninquiry

washeld.ItdecidedthatVirginia had been lyingabout the affair.

Although nothing hadhappened after she hadmarried, it is possiblethat she and Dilke hadhadanaffairbeforehandand he had reneged onhis promise ofmatrimony.Virginiahadtherefore wantedrevenge. So, when sheneeded a divorce fromherhusbandbecauseshehad contracted syphilisfrom another lover, she

decidedtokill twobirdswithonestone.

THEWRONGDISGUISE–DRCRIPPENHANGSHIMSELF,1910HawleyHarveyCrippenwas an Americanhomeopathic ‘doctor’whopractisedinLondonwith his wife, a music-hall singer named Cora,who apparently ‘had

gentlemenfriends’.After a party on 31

January 1910, Coradisappeared. Herhusband said she hadreturnedhometotheUS,but later amended hisstorytosaythatshehaddiedandbeencremated.There was, of course,nothing in the least bitsuspicious about hisinitially forgetting thathis wife had died and

been cremated butCora’s music-hall chumKate Williams, astrongwoman betterknown as ‘Vulcana’,informed the police thatCora was missing.Suspicions were furtherraised when Crippen’smistress, Ethel Neave,moved into the familyhomeandbeganwearingCora’s clothes andjewellery. The Peelers

thought it was a rightrum ’un and nomistakeso they searched theCrippens’ home andinterviewed Crippen on8July.They found nothing

untoward but Dr Cpanicked. When he andEthel fled, the policesearched the houseagain.Again they foundnothing. They searchedit once more but still

found nothing. Finally,on the fourth search ofthe property, they foundsomeloosebricks in thebasement. Examiningfurther, they discoveredtheabdomenofanadultburied under the floor,with the head and limbsmissing.Suspectingfoulplay, the police startedabout the search forCrippen.Astheydidso,chemical tests also

showed traces of thesurgical drugscopolamine in thecellar.By this time, Crippen

had run away toBrussels, and had thenboarded a steamshipbound for Canada, withEthel dressed as a boyandpretending tobehisson.Itwasbadluckforthe

doctor that the boat on

which he was fleeingwas captained by amanwho was (a) struck bythe fact that Crippenkept groping his son,who had large breastsand (b) a pioneer ofship-to-shore telegraphywho happened to beaboardavessel thatwasone of only 60 in theworld able to send amessage back to Britainsaying Crippen was

aboard. Captain HenryGeorge Kendall wiredthe authorities themessage: ‘Have strongsuspicions that CrippenLondon cellar murdererand accomplice areamong saloonpassengers. Moustachetakenoffgrowingbeard.Accomplice dressed asboy. Manner and buildundoubtedlyagirl.’Chief Inspector Dew

ofScotlandYardjumpedaboard a faster boat tobeatCrippen toCanada,and arrested him as hedocked. His first wordswere: ‘Good morning,Dr Crippen. Do youknow me? I’m ChiefInspector Dew fromScotland Yard.’Crippen’s replysurprised him: ‘ThankGod it’s over. Thesuspense has been too

great–Icouldn’tstanditanylonger.’If Crippen had

travelled in third class,the captain wouldprobably never haveseen him. Had Etheldressed as a womaninstead of a transvestite,the captain wouldprobably not have beencurious. If Crippen hadsailedforhisnativelandof America, Britain

might never have beenabletoextraditehim,butfrom the Britishdominion of Canada hewas taken back toLondon, tried, convictedandhanged.Buthangon,there’sa

twist. In 2007 a team atMichigan StateUniversity DNA testedthe abdomen from thecellaranddecidedthatitwasn’t Cora. It was,

possibly, the body of awoman on whomCrippen had carried outan illegal abortion,which had gone wrong.Or,possibly,ithadbeenburied there before theCrippensmoved in. Butallalong,ithadbeenthewrongbody thathad setthe police on Crippen’strailandstartedthesagaof the most celebratedmurdercaseof theearly

twentiethcentury.

ANEXPENSIVEKEY–SINKINGTHETITANIC,1912In 2007, a key was putup for auction.Unexceptional in mostregards, it was anordinary locker key butit fetched £90,000. Itwas, after all, the keythatsanktheTitanic.The key was sold by

thedescendantsofDavidBlair, the liner’s secondofficer, who wassupposed to be on theship but was removedfromtherosteratthelastminute. When thathappened, it slipped hismind to give the key tohis locker to hisreplacement.Understandable – itwouldn’t have seemedthat important at the

time. But the lockercontained the binocularsfor the look-out in thecrow’s nest – had Blairhandedoverthekey,thelook-outmightwellhavespotted something a biticeberg-like on thehorizon. In fact, duringthe American inquiryintothedisasterthatwasresponsible for the lossof 1,522 lives, the look-out, Fred Fleet, said if

the crew had hadbinoculars they wouldhave been able to warnthe captain of theimpendingicyfatemuchearlier.‘How much earlier?’

hewasasked.‘Well, enough to get

out of the way,’ hereplied.Of course, therewere

a host of other blundersthat sank the unsinkable

ship. Perhaps the firstwas publicly describingitasunsinkable,becausethat soundedalmost likeachallengetoitscrew.Added to that, the

boat was the largest inthe world – more thantwice the size of thelargestbattleshipsof thetime,itwasabletocarry3,000 passengers andalmost asmany crew. Italso had seven miles of

deck and the luxury ofits state rooms rivalledthe palaces of Europe.And because it was‘unsinkable’, there wasreally no need forlifeboats – just the 16necessary to complywith the law. These 16could carry 1,178people. Of course, thatwould mean, of the2,207 people on themaiden voyage, more

than1,000woulddrowneven if every lifeboatwaslaunchedfull,butofcoursetheshipcouldnotsink, so everything wasfine. And the companydidn’t like havinglifeboats around –casually reminding thepassengers that theycouldbedrownedatanymoment tended tomakethemnervous.So off sailed the

Titanic on her maidenvoyage, leavingSouthampton on 14April 1912 loaded withnobs–includingCharlesIsmay, chairman of theWhite Star line andowner of the ship. Soonit got a bit icyout thereon the Atlantic. So icy,in fact, that the nearestship to the Titanic, theCalifornian, actuallyshut down her engines

and drifted through thepack ice in order toprevent major damage.But the Titanic needn’tdo that: it wasunsinkable.Knowing it was

unsinkable, CaptainEdwardSmith,who hadbeen brought out ofretirement for thisspecial journey, orderedtheshiptocontinueat22knots.Hedidn’twant to

be late docking in NewYork on her maidenvoyage – that would beembarrassing.At11pmon14April,

the captain of theCalifornian saw thelights of the Titanicspeeding through thedarkness. He wasconcerned – he knewthat the pack ice wasdangerous and told hisradio operator to send a

signal to the other shipwarning of the ice. Butthe wireless operator ontheTitanicwastoobusysending holidaytelegrams on behalf ofthepassengersandsentareply that read: ‘Keepout. You are jammingme.’SoonspedtheTitanic

through thedarkwaters.Visibility was good thatnight (it would have

been better withbinoculars, of course)and theTitanic receivedanother warning, thistime from the Mesaba.‘We have seen muchheavy pack ice and agreat number of bergsalso field ice,’ it stated.Onceagain,theTitanic’soperator ignored it andwent back to thetelegrams,failingtopassthe message on to the

captain.Thenextpersontosee

an iceberg was theTitanic’sfirstofficer.Bythen, of course, it wastoolate.Thelinerhittheberg, tearing a hole100m in length. In fact,the passengers wereentranced – howexciting! – because theshipwas‘unsinkable’sothere was no reason forconcern. One of those

passengers, however,was Thomas Andrews,managingdirectorofthefirm that had built theship. So, when thecaptaintoldhimthat thegushingwater had filledthree of the watertightcompartments, he knewtheTitaniccouldbebestdescribedas‘sinking’.The wireless operator

decided that it was nowtime to set aside the

telegrams about tennisgames on Saturday andsend out a distresssignal,whichbroughtallthe ships in the arearushing to help. Allexcept for theCalifornian – after theTitanichadbeensorudeto him, its wirelessoperator had turned offhis set and he thereforehad no idea what wasgoing on. A junior

member of its crew hadspotted distress flares,butwastolditmustbeafireworks show for thepassengers. This wasunfortunate – theCalifornianwastheonlyship close enough tohelp. Back on theTitanic, as the womenand children wereselfishly pushingthemselves to the frontof the queue for the

lifeboats, it becameapparent that 16 werenotenoughafterall.Only 711 people

survived the disaster. Alatercountnotedthat63per cent of first-classpassengershadsurvived,42 per cent of secondclass and 25 per cent ofthird class. It led toquestions being askedabout how the life of afirst-classpassengerwas

given priority over thatof someone travelling inthirdclass.Such considerations

probablypassedovertheheads of the gentlemenleft on deck as theywavedgoodbye, though.Thebanddidplayon,asithappens,buttheywereactuallyplayingragtime,not ‘AbideWithMe’ aslegend states. Drinkswerestillbeingserved–

you would presume itwasafreebar.As a result of this

incident, the law wasquickly changed toensure that ships carryadequate numbers oflifeboats to provideplaces for everyone onboard and lifeboat drillsbe carried out so thatpassengersknowwhattodo in the event of anemergency.Ocean-going

vessels had to carry awireless set foremergencycommunication, whichhad to be mannedaroundtheclock.One of the lesser-

known facts about theTitanic is that it wasactually on fire when ithit the iceberg. Coal inone of the bunkers hadcaught light some timebeforehandandforhours

the crew had beenattemptingtoputitout.So the iceberg might

just have been the icingonthecake.

THEWRONGPASSPORT–LORDHAW-HAWHANGSHIMSELF,1946WilliamJoyce, themostfamous Britishcollaborator with theNazis, was not British.

He was born in NewYorktoIrishparentsandthe family moved backto Ireland when he wasyoung. Although hisfather was a Catholic,they were staunchunionists and the youngJoyce joined theUnionist specialconstables, the Blackand Tans. After movingto mainland Britain in1921, he became

involved with OswaldMosley’s Fascists andMosley took a liking toJoyce, inviting him tojoinagrouptravellingtoNazi Germany in 1933to see what Britainwould be like if theywere to come to power.Joyce jumped at thechance but, since hedidn’t have a passport,he fraudulently appliedfor a British one,

claiming to be a UnitedKingdom citizen. Thispetty crime would costhimhislife.Six years later, while

still in Britain, Joycewas tipped off by aFascist sympathiser inBritish militaryintelligence that he wasabout tobearrestedasaNazi and he fled toGermany,where hewasrecruited to a German

propaganda radiostation, Rundfunkhaus(the same one that P.G.Wodehouseworkedfor),to broadcast to Britain.He soon became knownto British listeners asLordHaw-Haw.On 30 April 1945

JoycefledtheadvancingAllied forces but wasarrested near theDanishborder and returned toBritaintobetried.Asan

American citizen,legally, he should havebeen tried in Americabut his trivial act offraud a decade earliermeant he had a Britishpassport and that meantBritain had the right totryhim–andhanghim.The historian A.J.P.

Taylor points out thatthenormalpenalty forafraudulent passportapplication was £2 –

Joyce’s sentence wassomewhat harsher,makinghimthelastmanin Britain to hang fortreason. His colleaguesat Rundfunkhausreceived short prisonsentences – except forWodehouse, who got aslaponthewristandwaseventually awarded aknighthood.

ASHOTINTHE

DARK–LORDLUCANISUNLUCKY,1974Richard Bingham, theironically nicknamedLord ‘Lucky’ Lucan,wanted to kill hisestranged wife,Veronica.Heplanned todosoonaThursday–7November 1974, to beprecise – when hischildren’snannyhadthenight off and always

went out with herboyfriend, leaving hiswifealoneinthehouse.Sothatnighthehidin

thekitchenofhiswife’shome inBelgravia,westLondon, took the bulbout of the light andwaiteduntilnineo’clockwhen his wife alwayscame down to makeherself a cup of tea.When she did so, hesprang out and beat her

todeathinthedarkwitha length of lead piping,as in the popular boardgame Cluedo. He wastherefore a littlesurprised to then hearher voice from upstairscalling for SandraRivett, the nanny. Withunderstanding dawninglikeanunwelcomeguestatChristmas,herealisedthat he had killed thewrong woman. Not one

to be put off a task,however, when his wifereally did come downthis time, he attemptedto kill her too, butbizarrely relentedhalfway through andwentupstairswithhertowatch television. Lucan,itseemed,couldn’tbringhimself to kill his hatedwife, but he wasperfectly capable ofbeatinganinnocentthird

party to death. Thisunusual decisionallowed Veronica toescape and raise thealarm by running to anearbypub.After Lady Lucan

burst into the PlumbersArms, screaming thather husband was tryingto kill her, the policerushed to the house andforced open the door tofind a bloodstained

towel in one bedroomandalargepoolofbloodwith a man’s footprintson the floor of thebasement. In thebasement theyfound thebody of the nannystuffed in a canvasmailbag, as in a cheapdetectivenovel.Theperpetratorofthis

grisly act, however, haddisappeared and soonbecame Britain’s most

famous fugitive, passinginto near-mythicalstatus.Sincethen,hehasbeenspottedeverywhereand was eveninadvertentlyresponsiblefor one of Britain’soddestpoliticalscandals,theStonehouseaffair…

THEWRONGFUGITIVE–JOHNSTONEHOUSEGETSCAUGHT,1974

John Stonehouse MP,who had beenPostmaster General inone of Wilson’sgovernments, washaving a few problems.Hisdebtsweremountingand he was cooking thebooks at his business tohide it; he was alsoconducting anextramarital affair withhis secretaryand, tocapit all, he was spying on

Britain for the SovietBloc, in the form of theCzech intelligenceservice. Quite how hefound the timeforallofthisisanybody’sguess.Clearly, the

scheduling wasbecoming tough for himtoo, so tough that hedecided to fake his owndeath in an elaborate –some might say‘romantic’–fashion.

His first step was toidentify a deadconstituent, JosephMarkham, and go aboutstealing the man’sidentity. He evenrehearsed ‘being’Markham. Apsychiatrist’s reportfromthetimestates:‘Hespent short periodsposing asMrMarkham,a private and “honest”individual, which

apparently led toreduced tension. Hebegan to dislike thepersonality ofStonehouse and came tobelieve that his wife,colleagues and friendswould be better offwithout him. Hetherefore devised hisescapetogetawayfromthe identity ofStonehouse. He thoughtof suicide but, deciding

that this was not theanswer, devised a“suicide equivalent” –hisdisappearancefromabeachinMiami.’On 20 November

1974Stonehousewenttothebeach inMiami, lefta pile of clothes on itand promptlydisappeared, leaving theauthorities to believe hehad drowned whileswimming. Newspapers

printed his obituary,lamentinghisdeath.Hiswife, Sheila, wasdistraughtatthedeathofher husband – notrealising that hewas, infact, on his way toAustralia to start acarefully constructednew life with hissecretary/mistress,SheilaBuckley.Upon arrival in

Melbourne, he set about

accessing the 36different bank accountshe had opened in avariety of names,swapping moneybetween them to coverhis tracks. As ‘CliveMildoon’, he depositedAus$21,000 – around£90,000now–incashattheMelbournebranchofthe Bank of NewZealand. It was justunluckyforhimthat the

cashier from that banklater spotted him in thebranch of the Bank ofNew South Walesdepositing money asJohn Markham. Thecashier thought thiswasa bit suspicious andspoketothepolice.Here’s where

Stonehouse’s luck reallyfellapart.At the very time that

John Stonehouse was

running away from hisdebts, another Britishcelebrity was fleeingfrom murder – ‘Lucky’Lucan. An internationalmanhunt for the fugitivepeer was underway andthe Australian policewereonthelook-outforhim. When they heardabout a suspiciousEnglishman depositinglargesumsofmoneyatanumber of banks, they

therefore thought theyhad found Lucan andplaced him undersurveillance.As part of the

investigation, a policeofficer went to searchhis flat. By astonishingbad luck, the policemannoticed a book ofmatches on the table inStonehouse’shomefromahotelwheretheofficerhad stayed 20 years

earlier – in Miami. Hefinally put two and twotogether and realisedthey, in fact, had JohnStonehouse, who wasn’tevenmissing.He was arrested on

Christmas Eve. Just incasehewasLordLucanafterall,thepolicemadehim pull his trousersdown, to look for a scarthat Lucan had on histhigh.Hisskintoldthem

it was probablyStonehouse.After unsuccessful

attempts to gain asylumfrom themighty powersof Mauritius andSweden,Stonehousewasdeported to Britain,where he technicallyremained an MP whilebehind bars in Brixtonprison.Stonehouse was tried

on 21 counts of fraud

andwastingpolice time.He conducted his owndefence, which musthave gone well becausehe was convicted andsentencedtosevenyearsin Wormwood Scrubs,where he complainedabout the fact that theradio in the prisonworkshop only everplayedpopmusic.Afewyears later, he wasreleasedduetoillhealth,

at which point heblamed the press for hisdownfall,ratherthanthefact that he had been aspy, adulterer andinternationalcriminal.In 1980, the Prime

Minister, MargaretThatcher, agreed not toprosecute him eventhoughaCzechdefectorhad revealed thatStonehouse had beenspying when he was a

minister. This was, in arare stroke of luck forStonehouse, due to thefact that the previousyear Anthony Blunt,formerly of MI5, hadbeenexposedas anothermember of theCambridgespyring,soaministerbeingoutedasaSoviet agent wouldmake it look as ifDowning Street waslittle more than the

Kremlin’s Londonbranch.There was something

of a happy ending forStonehouse when hecame out of prisonbecause his wifedivorced him and hemarriedhissecretary.Hedied in 1988, by whichtime he had joined theSDP.Itisoftenassumedthe

novel – and later BBC

TVcomedyseries–TheFall and Rise ofReginald Perrin, inwhich the eponymoushero fakes his owndeath, was inspired byStonehouse. In fact, thenovelwaswrittenbeforethe MP’s exploits butnot published untilafterwards.

TREADINGONBRAZILIANTOES–

LETTINGRONNIEBIGGSOFFTHEHOOK,1974Itseems1974wasabadyear for the longarmofthe British law, but anexcitingyearforfugitiveBritons.Forthatwastheyear that a failure to fillout some paperworkallowed Ronnie Biggs,the most famous of theGreat Train Robbers, tocontinuelifeontherun.

Biggs haddramatically escapedfrom Wandsworth gaolin 1965 by constructinghis own rope ladder,scaling the wall andjumping onto a waitingvan. He eventuallymanagedtogettoBrazilbut hot on his trail wasChief SuperintendentJack ‘Slipper of theYard’Slipper.In 1974, the Daily

Express received a tip-off that Biggs was inRio, and duly informedthe Yard. But Slipperslipped up when hechose to disregardprotocol and informneither his owngovernment nor theBraziliansthathewasonhisway to Rio, becausetheBrazilianpolicewereaboutastrustworthyasaconvention of snakes

andhedidn’twantBiggsto be forewarned of thevisit.When Slipper arrived

at Copacabana policestation, however, it wasexplained to him withtraditional SouthAmerican manners thathe had no jurisdictionand he should leavebefore they got reallyupset. Biggs was sooninformed of the British

policeman’svisit.Had Slipper simply

informed Interpol, theywould have picked upBiggs no problem andhanded him over to theBritish authorities.Instead, he was left tohis own devices until2001, when the ageingthiefvoluntarilyreturnedto Britain to use theNHS, his age havingcaughtupwithhimmore

successfully than thepolice. He remainedstubbornlyaliveuntiltheendof2013.

THEWRONGMAN–THESHOOTINGOFSTEPHENWALDORF,1983TheBritishpeopledon’texpect gun battles ontheir streets but in 1983the residents ofKensington, that

plushest of Londonboroughs, witnessed thepolice gunning down acriminal as he sat in astationary car.Unfortunately, the manwas actually an entirelyinnocent film editor andthepolicehadmadeonehell of an error. As theTimesreported:‘Itwasatrail of mistakes andcoincidences that wentterriblywrong.’

The police were afterone David Martin, anarmed robber suspectedof shooting a policeofficer. Martin hadescaped from a crowncourt cell the previousmonth and the policewanted him back. Theytherefore had hisgirlfriend,SueStephens,under surveillance incasehemadecontact.A poster was

distributed to localpolice stations warningMartin should beconsidered armed andhighly dangerous, and anumber of officers onthe 21-strong team puttogether to hunt himdown were issued withfirearms. They wereinformedthatMartinhada ‘pathological hatredfor authority,particularly directed

towards police officers,even more particularlyfor those officers whohad arrested and dealtwith him’. It was anunderstandable warning,butoneprimed,perhaps,to make any officercoming across Martinverytwitchy.Oneoftheofficerson

edge was DetectiveConstable Peter Finch.He had arrested Martin

in September 1982 aftera violent struggle inMartin’s flat, whenMartin, bizarrelydisguised as a woman,had threatened Finchwithtwoguns,shouting:‘I will have you! I willblow you away!’ In thecourse of the fight,Martin was shot in theneck by another officerand, as a result, he wassettoexplode.

On 14 January 1983Finch and anotherofficer, DetectiveConstable John Jardine,were issued with .38Smith and Wessonrevolvers. They wereboth qualified to carrythem, but neither hadever drawn a gun inanger – itwas very rareforBritishpolicetoevendraw their weapons, letalone fire them. In the

previous three years,fewer than 50 bulletshad been fired byofficers, with just sixpeoplebeinghit.Finch and Jardine

were issued with thegunsaspartofthepoliceunit following SueStephens,aunitthatalsoincluded a black cab, amotorbikeandanumberofcars,which tailedherfrom her flat in Kilburn

tothehomeofherfriendLester Purdy, who hadarranged to meetStephenWaldorf to talkabout a film job. Thethree of them met at acar hire shop in westLondon. Itwasbad luckfor Waldorf that, withhis long blond hair andlong nose, he looked alotlikeDavidMartin.The three

subsequently drove

away in a yellow mini,with Waldorf in thepassenger seat andStephensintheback.Astheyfollowed,thepolicethought it might beMartin, but wanted apositive identificationbeforetakinganyaction.One of the officersreportedonhisradio:‘Itis looking good, it maybe our target. We cansee his large nose, his

hair.Itislookinggood.’When the mini

stopped at traffic lights,the officer in charge ofthe operation,Superintendent GeorgeNess,decidedtosendanofficer on foot to walkpastthecarinanattempttoidentifyMartin.Finchknew him best, so hewas sent to creep up tothe car and identify thesuspect. He later

testifiedthathewas‘100per cent sure it wasMartin’.‘I was looking

through the glass andsaw a three-quarterprofile ofMartin. I sawhis large nose, his hairand even his highcheekbones,’hesaid.Finch drew his

weaponandshotoutthetyresofthecar.Thenhefiredfourbulletsthrough

thewindowatMartin.Finch’s colleagues

saw what they believedwas a gunfight betweenFinch and Martin andrushedtohelp.Atotalof14 rounds weredischarged, five hittingWaldorf. It was onlywhenWaldorfwaslyinghandcuffed on theground and they got abetter look that thepolicemen realised they

hadshotthewrongman.He was rushed tohospital. Fortunately,despiteafracturedskull,damaged liver andsevere blood loss, hesurvived.David Martin was

capturedtwoweekslaterafter a chase on theLondon Underground.He received 25 years inprison. Finch andJardine were

subsequently chargedwithattemptedmurder.The most damning

evidence against Finchwas that he hadexceeded his orders.Ness had expected himtowalkpasttheminiandcasually glance in toidentifyMartin. He wasunder orders not toeffect an arrest unlessabsolutelynecessary,butthe court heard that he

was seen to draw hisrevolver even before hearrived at the car. Finchclaimed he shouted:‘Armed police!’ butwitnesses said they hadheardnosuchwarning.Jardine was also in a

tough position. AfterFinchhad shotWaldorf,thevictimwaslyinghalfoutthecarwithhisheadtouching the pavementyet Jardine shot him

again.Finchthenhithimthreetimesovertheheadwith his pistol,fracturing Waldorf’sskull,beforehandcuffinghim. That was whenFinch noticed that thevictimwasn’tMartin.TheAttorneyGeneral,

SirMichaelHavers,QC,wasprosecutingthecasepersonally, theimportanceoftheeventshaving national

repercussions regardingthe police, whom, itseemed to the country,had appointedthemselves judge, juryand – literally –executioner.He told thecourt: ‘It does notmatter, in fact, whetheritwasMartinorWaldorfbecause there was noneed, in the submissionof the Crown, to takethose actions at that

stage – either to shoothim,asJardinedidwhenhe was half in and halfout of the car, or tofracture his skull with arevolver, as Finch did.Whether Finch wasstandingorcrouching,inorder to strike Waldorfhard at least twice,surely he must havebeeninapositiontostophim getting a gun, evenifhehadaguntogofor.

If you are pistol-whipping a man thatclosely,youmustbeinapositiontorestrainhim.’Havers claimed that,

after the incident,Jardine had toldinvestigating officers: ‘Iintended to totallyincapacitatehimand theonlywaytodothatwithagunwastokillhim.’Ineffect, Havers wastellingthepublicthatthe

police were operating ashoot-to-killpolicy.Waldorftoldthecourt

that when the shootingbegan he thought that itwas between two otherparties and he had justbeencaughtinthecross-fire. Soon, ‘it becameprettyapparentIwasthetarget. I was trying tothink if I had anyenemies. The carwindows came in and

the bullets kept comingthrough.’Finch said he had

drawn his weapon inreadiness because hewas wearing a largejacketanddidn’twanttobe fumbling for his gunif he needed it.Misinterpreting amovementinsidethecar,hethoughthewasaboutto be shot. The judgetold the jury to put

themselves in the mindoftheofficerswhotrulybelieved it was Martinand that he might wellbearmed.Theywere,heinstructed, entitled toshoot first in self-defence.The two men were

acquitted. An internalpolice inquiry strippedthem of their right tocarry firearms but theykept their jobs. The

victim received£120,000 incompensation.Waldorf said he

wasn’t surprised by theverdict and added: ‘Idon’t think I couldactually ever forgivethem, but I can’t blamethem. It’s the systemthat’s at fault, not them.When you think thatthey fired 14 shots andonly five hit me – and

noneofthemkilledme–that had to be luck. Itwas lucky for me thepolice were bad shots.At least I think it wasluck. I don’t knowwhether we’re lucky orunluckywhen thepoliceareincompetent.’In the wake of the

incident and theresulting public outcry,the Home Officeintroducedmuch stricter

rulesaboutpoliceuseofguns, requiring anofficer of Commanderrank to signoffon theiruse, and officers issuedwiththemhadtocarryacardremindingthemthatthe weapons could onlybe used as a true lastresort. But the publicperception of the policewas changedirrevocably.

ANOFF-HANDCOMMENT–JEFFREYARCHERSENDSHIMSELFTOPRISON,1990In 1990 Jeffrey Archer,the Conservative MPand semi-literatenovelist, hosted a party.One of the guests washis old friend TedFrancis.ButFranciswasmore than a friend: heand Archer had once

gone into businesstogether.In1987ArcherhadgivenFrancis, aTVproducer, £20,000 tomake a film about thechildren’s author EnidBlyton. But there hadbeen a tragic failure ofcommunication–Archerhad considered themoney a loan, whereasFrancis believed it wasan investment and hadnever repaid it. So, at

that fatefuldinnerparty,according to Francis, ‘Iwas chatting to anactress when Jeffreysidled up to us and saidto her in a very loudvoice, “You want towatch this man, youknow. I lent him£20,000 once and I’mstill waiting to get themoney back.” She wasdreadfully embarrassedand I was deeply hurt.

He humiliated me infront ofmypeers in theindustry and I didn’tunderstandwhy.’It was a mind-

bogglingly foolish thingfor Archer to do, giventhatFranciswasactuallyin a position to haveArcher sent to prison.And Francis exercisedthis power, but, being aman who could bear agrudge until the time is

right, he waited until1999todoso.It all began in 1986

whenArcher, a liar andbankrupt who had beencleared of insidertrading,wasarisingstarin the Tory Party. Oneday, the Daily Starsplashed across its frontpagethefactthathealsoliked whores. They hadcaught him paying off aprostitute, Monica

Coghlan, with £2,000andwere innomood tositonthestory.Archer resigned from

the position ofConservative PartyDeputy Chairman andreleased a statement inwhichheclaimedhehadnever met Coghlan butthatshehadphonedhimout of the blue to say anewspaper was alleginghehadhadsexwithher.

‘Foolishly, I allowedmyselftofallintowhatIcan only call a trap inwhich a newspaper hasplayed a reprehensiblepart. In the belief thatthis woman genuinelywanted to be out of theway of the press andrealisingthatformypartanypublicityofthiskindwould be extremelyharmful to me and forwhich a libel action

would be no adequateremedy, Ioffered topayher money so that shecould go abroad for ashort period. For thatlack of judgement, andthat alone, I havetendered myresignation,’ heexplained.The Star, not a

newspaper to back off,then went one stepfurther and alleged

ArcherandCoghlanhadenjoyed a bit of rumpy-pumpyinadodgyhotel,the Albion, on 9September1986.After this outrage,

Archer could take nomore and sued for libel.Just before the trial, thenewspaper realised ithad made an error andamended the date of theromanceto8September.It also fleshed out

Coghlan’s character,pointing out that shespecialised in kinkystuff.During her evidence

at the trial, Coghlandescribed the scene inthe Albion: ‘Nothingmuch was said becauseit was over so quickly.He commented on mynipples. I had nodifficulty seeing hisface. Iwas lying on top

ofhimthewholetime.’But Archer had an

alibi for that night. Hehad, he claimed, haddinner at a restaurantwith the editor of hisbooksandhisfilmagent,Terence Baker. And hehadgonehomeafter thetime that MonicaCoghlan claimed theyweretogether.The trial was notable

for the lunacy of the

judge, who famouslyinformed the jury thatthey should trustArcher’s wife, Mary,because she had‘fragrance’, beforesumming up Archer:‘You may think hishistory is worthy andhealthy and sporting.What is always a greatattributeoftheBritishistheiradmiration,besidestheirenjoyment,ofgood

sports like cricket andathletics. And JeffreyArcher was president ofthe Oxford UniversityAthletics Club [Archeralways claimed to havegone to Oxford, whichwas untrue: he hadattended a teachertraining collegeaffiliated to theuniversity] and ran forhiscountry.Isheinneedof cold, unloving,

rubber-insulatedsexinaseedyhotel,roundabouta quarter to one on aTuesdaymorning?’Theanswer,ofcourse,

was‘yes’.Archer received

damages of £500,000 –thehighesteverrecordedat that time. Over thefollowing years, herebuilt his politicalcareer and, in 1999,becametheConservative

candidate to be the firstelected Mayor ofLondon. Then TedFrancis, likea fatpuma,pounced.On 21 November

1999Francisrevealedtothepressthat,beforetheoriginal libel trial,Archerhadaskedhimtowrite a letter to hissolicitor falsely stating,and offering to testify,that theyhadhaddinner

together on the night of9 September 1986, thedate that the Star hadfirst claimed the trysthad happened in theAlbion. Francis addedthatArcherhadfakedanentry in his diary to putthemtogetherthatnight.But when the Starchanged the date,Franciswasforgotten.Francis’s revelations

revealed Archer as a

man fully prepared tocommit perjury and toask others to commit itin his libel case.Helpfully, Francisprovided a tape ofArcheraskinghimtolie.Archer’s career – let

alone his mayoralcandidacy – duly sankfaster than the Titanic.Hedidhisbest,claimingthat he had only askedFrancistoliebecausehe

wanted to protect theidentity of a young ladyhe was really diningwith. People wonderedwho the mysteriousfemale could have been(if she existed at all).Some speculated that itwashisformerassistant,Andrina Colquhoun. Ifso, it would make herpossibly the mostdangerous dinnercompanion in theworld,

given that Lord Lucanhad been due to dinewith her just before hemistakenly killed hisnannyin1974.Francis opened the

floodgates. It appearedthatTerenceBaker,whohad since died, had tolda friend he had givenArcher a false alibi forthe night of 8September, the nightactually argued over in

court.None of this would

havehappenedifArcherhadrememberedthatthetryst had taken place on8 September, andthereforehehadnoneedof a false alibi for thefollowingnight.Archer’s fall from

grace ended with hisimprisonment for twoyears for perjury andperverting the course of

justice, and was at leastpartially responsible forKen Livingstone beingelected Mayor ofLondon.Italsomanagedto remind the Britishpublic that even thoughthe Tories were nolonger in power, theywere still the party ofsleazy sex scandals.Surprisingly, MaryArcher, clearly a fan ofTammy Wynette, stood

byherman.

SLIPOFTHETONGUE–JOHNPATTEN’SMINISTERIALCAREERGOESUPINSMOKE,1993John Patten wasEducation Secretary inJohn Major’s Cabinetfrom 1992 to 1994. Hiscareer came to an endwhen, not stopping to

thinkitthrough,duringafringe meeting at theConservative Partyconference, he publiclydescribed Birmingham’shead of education, TimBrighouse, in somewhatunusual terms. To beprecise, he stated:‘Birmingham has putthis nutter in as theirchiefeducationofficer.Ifear for Birminghamchildren with this

madman let loosewandering round thestreets, frightening thechildren.’The teachers of

Birmingham duly had awhip-round, raisingmore than £25,000,which enabledBrighouse to sue forlibel.Hewonsubstantialdamages, which hedonatedtocharity,usingsome of it to set up the

University of the FirstAge, which encourageschildren to partake inextra-curricularactivities.As well as putting a

dentinthegovernment’splans to centralise theeducation curriculumand reposition it alongmore traditional lines,the affair forced Pattento resign fromgovernment and vacate

his seat at the nextelection. Don’t worry,though, he was made apeerascompensation.His wife, Louise, is

thegranddaughterof thereplacement secondofficer on the Titanic,Charles Lightoller, whowas responsible formany of the deaths thatnight by misinterpretingtheorderof‘womenandchildren first’. Getting

the wrong end of thestick,heputonlywomenand children in thelifeboats and cast themaway even if thereweremany empty seats thatcould have been filledby thewaitingmen– atonepoint,heordered30men out of a lifeboat atgunpoint, thuscondemning them to apointless death. Don’tworry, though, he

managed to find a seatforhimselfandlivedtoaripeoldage.

*Infact,theSharps’mainclaimtofameatthattimewasthattheyand their six siblings wouldoccasionally sail up rivers on abarge playing music (Granvillelikedthekettledrums).Onesuchgathering can be seen in afamousfamilyportraitbyJohannZoffany. In ‘The Family ofWilliamSharp:MusicalPartyontheThames’,Granville holds upsome sheet music for his sisterplaying the harpsichord, while

William, a French Hornenthusiast, can be seen standingattheback,wavinghishat.

Some time after completingthe work, Zoffany was ship-wrecked off the AndamanIslandsandwasforcedtoeatoneof his fellow sailors. Thehistorian William Dalrymplewrites in his book WhiteMughals: ‘Zoffany may thus besaid with some confidence tohavebeenthefirstandlastRoyalAcademician to become acannibal’, yet Dalrympleprovides no evidence for thissomewhatsweepingclaim.*Castlereaghwas, for instance,perhaps the only member of a

nineteenth-century Cabinet tochallenge and fight anothermemberof theCabinet toaduelover a point of foreign policy,havingfoughtLordCanningwithpistols on Putney Heath on 21September 1809. Supposedly,Canning followed thegentlemanly convention of thetime of firing his pistol into theair – in order to maintain thehonour of having fought, butwithout the danger of actuallyhurting his opponent – whileCastlereagh tookcarefulaimbutstillonlymanagedtohitCanninginthethigh,somewhatsurprisinghim.

History is litteredwithbattles lost because ofpoor choice of tactics.Armies that ran whenthey should have fought(or fought when theyshould have ran),commanders whoattacked with infantrywhenanartillerybarragecould have decimated

theiropponents,orspieswho gave away theirown secrets. But farmore insidious is therole of the ‘regimented’military mindset, whichresults in quartermasterswhorefuse tohandoverdesperately neededbullets in themidst of abattle because thecorrect paperwork hasnot been filled out; orofficers who continue

blindly on a suicidalcourse even when theyknowtheorderhasbeenissuedbymistake.Anotherdangeristhat

soldiers are taught toexpect success (an armythatpredictsdefeatisfarmore likely toexperience it), so thewarrior who findshimself being roundlytrouncedoftenalsofindshimselfwithoutaplanB

andhastomakeitupashe goes along. BothBonnie Prince Charlieand Simon Mann foundout what can go wrongwhenthishappens.

FRIENDORFOE?–THEBATTLEOFBARNET,1471Itwasathickdawnmistthat did for theLancastrianforcesat theBattle of Barnet during

the Wars of the Roses.Through the fog, theLancastrian Earl ofWarwick mistook thesilver star on thestandard of his ally, theEarl of Oxford, for thesun of the YorkistEdward IV. Warwickand his men fell uponOxford’s men, who,despite being a littletaken aback by thissudden turn of events,

fought back bravely andsucceeded in killingWarwick.TheYorkistswerebut

spectators in the battle,which they largely wonby default since theLancastrians seemedmore intent on wipingeach other out thanfighting their actualenemies.

GENEROUSTOA

FAULT–WILLIAMTHESILENTPAYSFORHISOWNASSASSINATION,1582TheviolentrepressionofCatholics underElizabeth I, with longwars between thosefollowing theChurch ofRomeandtheirAnglicanrivals, began not inEngland but in theNetherlands.

William the Silent,aka William of Orange,wastheProtestantleaderof the Dutch armedrevolt against theirCatholic SpanishHapsburg rulers.* TheHapsburgs – his formeremployers – respondedbyputtingapriceonhishead: 25,000 gold coinsfor anyone who wouldknock him off. The

declaration by Philip IIofSpainisnotableforitspoeticfury:

We had scarcelyturned our back onthe Netherlandsbefore William ofNassau began toendeavour, bysinister arts, plots,and intrigues, firstto gain over thosewhom he believed

to be malcontents,or haters of justice,or anxious forinnovations, andthen, above all,those who weresuspected in thematterofreligion.**These he flatteredand attracted byfinewordsandvainpromises. He wasthe instigator and

chief author of thefirst protest whichwas presented bycertain younggentlemen whodailyfrequentedhishouseandstable.***Moreover, with

the knowledge,advice, andencouragement ofthesaidOrange,theheretics

commenced todestroy the images,altars,andchurchesin a disorderlymanner, and todesecrate all holyand sacred objects,especially thesacramentsordained ofGod.**** Yet, bydivinegraceandtheforesight of the

duchess of Parma,ourverydearsister,matters wereremedied, and hewas forced to retirefrom ourdominions,breathing outthreats ofvengeance in hisrage.He began,

through his agentsand satellites, to

introduce hereticalpreachingwherehefound it possible,persecuting all thegood pastors,preachers, monks,and uprightpersons, andhunting many ofthem from theregion.Thenhehada numbermassacred; orrather, he tried to

avoid theresponsibility for amassacrecarriedonby some of hisadherents, until theestates, greatlyincensed by thiscruelty, demandedan account of theaffair, when hepretended that itwas displeasing tohim. Then heintroduced liberty

ofconscience,ortospeak morecorrectly,confusionof all religion,whichsoonbroughtit about that theCatholics wereopenly persecutedanddrivenout, andthe churches andmonasteries,whether of men orwomen, broken up,ruined,andlevelled

withtheground.Although a

married man, andalthoughhissecondwifewasstillalive,hetooktohimselfanun,anabbesswhohad been solemnlysanctified byepiscopal authority,and her he stillkeeps; a mostdisreputable andinfamousthing.

For all these justreasons,forhisevildoing: as chiefdisturber of thepublicpeaceandasa public pest weoutlaw him foreverand forbid all oursubjects toassociate with himor communicatewith him in publicor in secret. Wedeclare him an

enemy of thehuman r