THE GOVERNMENT INSPECTOR

ADAPTED BY JEFFREY HATCHER FROM THE ORIGINAL BY NIKOLAI GOGOL

DRAMATICS

PLAY SERVICE INC.

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CHARACTERS IVAN ALEXANDREYEVICH HLESTAKOV OSIP- his servant MAYOR ANTON ANTONOVICH ANNA ANDREYEVNA, his wife MARYA ANTONOVICH, their daughter GRUSHA, their maid JUDGE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL HOSPITAL DIRECTOR POSTERMASTER DOBCHINSKY BOBCHINSKY DOCTOR INNKEEPERS WIFE WAITRESS SVETSUNOV, the police chief POLICE 1 POLICE 2 IMPERIAL MESSENGER

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THE GOVERNMENT INSPECTOR

SCENE ONE

The study of the Mayor’s house in a Russian provincial town.

Day 1836. The study combines the spaciousness of officialdom with the avarice of office. At rise, the JUDGE, the DOCTOR, the HOSPITAL DIRECTOR, and the SCHOOL PRINCIPAL pace nervously. The upstage center doors open and the Mayor sweeps in, followed by SVETSUNOV, the police chief, and three POLICE Constables. The Constables cut the doors. The others greet the MAYOR, but he’s a man on a mission.

JUDGE: PRINCIPAL: HOPSTIAL DIRECTOR: Mayor- Mayor! Anton Antonovich- MAYOR: No time for niceties, gentlemen, I have grave news! A government inspector is on his way from the capital! ALL OTHERS: (Hub-bub) WHAT?! – A GOVERNMENT INSPECTOR?! – HERE? – NO! MAYOR: A government inspector, incognito, and with secret instructions. SVETSUNOV: An inspector from the capital?

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JUDGE: How did you come into possession of this information about an inspector? MAYOR: (Brandishes a letter) I received a letter this morning from my brother-in-law. “Dear Anton Antonovich: well it’s be a quiet week in St. Petersburg…” (Flips through pages) boring-and-tedious-boring-and-tedious –ah! “But what will interest you is this: An inspector has been sent to investigate various towns in your district, so beware this inspector, as he may turn up at any moment in any guise. In other news, you sister has gained so much weight I’ve taken up the cello so I’ll have something smaller to hold on to…” Well, you get the jist. (Pockets his letter). SVETSUNOV: But why us, why now? MAYOR: The point isn’t why he’s coming, the point is he is coming and we’ve got to prepare! First, the new hospital, how many patients are there at present? HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: None. The rooms are so small we can’t get the beds through the doors. Your cousin the contractor doesn’t seem to have understood the concept of “scale.” MAYOR: Well, get a carpenter and build some beds inside the rooms! HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: And what size patients shall we put in them? These are tiny rooms we’re discussing. MAYOR: All right, empty the kindergarten and put kids in the rooms. Then change the sign over the door and say it’s a children’s hospital. HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: And what about our good Doctor here? I know we got a good deal on that exchange program with whatever country he from, but no one can understand a word he says. DOCTOR: Velten schprong, kay ploopa pokka boom. MAYOR: If he doesn’t speak the language, how does he treat the patients?

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HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: Oh, we’ve had to do away with treatment. Current policy is if a patient is meant to recover he recovers; if he’s meant to die he dies rather quickly. The nurses taught him a sentence. (Cues the Doctor). DOCTOR: “let naytoor take eets course.” HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: I works surprisingly well with the more religious patients. MAYOR: (Nods, then changes the subject) Next, the judiciary. Judge your court is full of shit. JUDGE: well now, that’s a matter of opinion. MAYOR: I’m talking about the geese your bailiff is raising in the jury box! The place is hip high in dung! I want them out! JUDGE: But the goslings are about to hatch, and the sound they make is so cute – (Off the MAYOR’s glare) – I’ll have my bailiff see to them at once. MAYOR: Thank you. Next, the school. SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: What’s wrong with the school? MAYOR: School’s fine, the problems the teachers. That mumbly one with the stutter and the stammer – SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: The speech instructor? MAYOR: Last week I observed him at the blackboard rearranging the letters of the Tsar’s name to spell dirty words. I want him fired at once. All right, last issue: what I call “Unlicensed Entrepreneurial Spirit” – JUDGE: Excuse me, are we discussing bribes? Because if we’re discussing bribes, I freely admit I rule in favor of whatever side offers me the biggest one, but I never take money, I always take it in farm animals and game. MAYOR: A bribe is a bribe. JUDGE: Not if you eat it.

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MAYOR: It’s a bribe if you eat it, it’s a bribe if you drink it, and it’s a bribe if you spend an hour with it.

ALL start to talk at once, arguing, protesting, accusing. The MAYOR stamps his foot to quiet them.

MAYOR: Enough! We’re all guilty, only the particulars are different. A patient gets a better room at the hospital if he drops a kopeck on the admitting desk. HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: And if he’s small. MAYOR: A failing student is made head of class if his father donates a new gymnasium. SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: And we have six of the finest gymnasiums in the district. MAYOR: And a lawyer wins the case by throwing the odd duck or goose by way of the Judge. JUDGE: (re: his girth) and look at the price I’ve paid. The postmaster enters; she wears a uniform and carries a satchel POSTMASTER: Forgive my tardiness. You’ve heard the news, no doubt, about the government inspector. SVETSUNOV: How did you find out about it at the post office? POSTMASTER: I opened the Mayor’s letter. SVETSUNOV: What’s your assessment of the situation, then? JUDGE: Yes, tell us who you think will invade us. POSTMASTER: I don’t know, but I hope it’s the French. What I wouldn’t give to be invaded by Frenchmen. MAYOR: When did you start opening letters? POSTMASTER: I open everyone’s letters, it’s nothing personal. (Hands letter to PRINCIAL) Your mother died, sorry. MAYOR: You read every letter that goes through your office?

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POSTMASTER: Oh yes, I collect them. The doors burst open. Enter BOBCHINSKY and DOBCHINSKY, two short, fat, waddling country squires in loud matching country squire suits.

BOBCHINSKY: I have news! DOBCHINSKY: No, I have news! BOBCHINSKY: We agreed it was my news! DOBCHINSKY: We did not! BOBCHINSKY: Oo, you lie! DOBCHINSKY: I don’t! BOBCHINSKY: You do! DOBCHINSKY: I do not! BOBCHINSKY: You do, and you know you do! DOBCHINSKY: I do not do! It’s you who do! (SVETSUNOV slaps them both on the head). BOBCHINSKY: DOBCHINSKY: OW! OOF! MAYOR: If one of you doesn’t tell me what happened, I’ll have you both arrested for being irritating! BOBCHINSKY: All right! A – DOBCHINSKY: A government inspector is investigating our town. BOBCHINSKY: (to DOBCHINSKY) HEY! MAYOR: We know that. DOBCHINSKY: So you all know about the inspector? ALL OTHERS: Yes! – Of course we do! – Stupid fat idiots! BOBCHINSKY: And the secret instructions and the incognito? ALL OTHERS: Yes! – We know!

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DOBCHINSKY: And that he’s at the inn even as we speak? Beat. Nobody moves. MAYOR: Repeat that. BOBCHINSKY: What? MAYOR: Repeat that or I’ll kill you. DOBCHINSKY: The government inspector – BOBCHINSKY: –he’s at the inn – DOBCHINSKY and BOBCHINSKY: –as we speak. DOBCHINSKY: He’s been here a week. (Beat. The MAYOR affects a calm demeanor and shows the letter to the POSTMASTER.) MAYOR: What’s the stamp on that letter say? POSTMASTER: Fifteenth of the month. MAYOR: This month or last month? POSTMASTER: Well, it got here, didn’t it? MAYOR: You’ve held on to this information for over a month?! (To SVETUNOV) Get my hat and my sword! SVETUNOV and POLICE gather the sword and the hat. MAYOR: What’s this inspectors name? DOBCHINSKY: Ivan Hlestakov. POLICE 1 helps put sword on MAYOR. MAYOR: Gentlemen! Let’s show this government inspector the sort of town he’s dealing with!

POLICE 2 tries to give MAYOR his hat, but the MAYOR takes a lampshade, puts it on his head and goes out the door. DOBCHINSKY and BOBCHINSKY look at the Mayor, then each other before grabbing two other lampshades and walking out the door.

ALL: All right – hurry up – get going for heaven’s sake –

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After they all leave, the Mayor’s wife, ANNA ANDREYEVNA, and their daughter, MARYA enter. ANNA is vulgar and overdressed with lots of lace and bows and tassels. MARYA wears black and is a pretty deadpan teenager.

ANNA: Anton! ANTON! OHH! You made us miss everything! Primping in front of your mirror! When will you learn: Real beauty is natural. MARYA: Mother, if they scraped off all the make-up you wear, they’d find the head the size of a walnut. ANNA: Oooo! Marya go upstairs! Change into something fetching and snug that shows a bit of skin. MARYA: I promised father I wouldn’t do anything to bring shame on us. ANNA: And I promised to love, honor and obey him and look what it got me, a town where people eat soup with their hands. Now go! MARYA: I hate you, mother! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

MARYA storms offstage. ANNA looks out front and rubs her hands together.

ANNA: A government inspector! Oh-ho! (Calls off to her) HURRY MASHENKA! HURRY, HURRY, HURRY! DRAMATIC RUSSIAN MUSIC

SCENE TWO A room at the inn, a few minutes later.

As the previous set closes, a dramatic pool of light finds… A man standing far upstage center. IVAN ALEXANDREYEVICH HLESTAKOV has the face of an aging child. A decrepit baby with tussled Byronic locks, he wears tight dark trousers, black boots

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and a white “puffy shirt” open a few buttons down. His collar is spread out. He wears a vest. He holds a pistol. He looks like he’s about to perform a duel scene from a Russian opera. A washstand with a mirror slides out, as does a bed, desk, and one chair. IVAN comes down stage, advancing dramatically. He stops and places the gun to his head. Then he sees himself in the mirror. Beat. He winks. He smiles a “Boy, am I handsome” smile at himself. He points the gun in the mirror. He affects a few poses – duelist, killer, James Bond. He’s a silly man. He keeps this up as… OSIP, his seedy valet, enters and watches him a moment. Then-

OSIP: Bang! IVAN: (Jumps, shrieks.) AHHH! (IVAN pulls the trigger. The gun fires up. Plaster falls down on IVAN’s head.) OSIP: You can go back to posing now. IVAN: I wasn’t posing! OSIP: Oh, yeh, you’re going to end it all rather than bring shame on your good name. IVAN: You don’t believe I’ll kill myself? OSIP: Not as long as there’s a mirror left in Russia. IVAN: My father thought some time away from the city would change me for the better. I vowed to him: “I’ll live frugally, I’ll sleep under the stars.” OH WHEN WILL I LEARN?! OSIP: You won’t, you’re going to kill yourself. Here, let me help you. (OSIP reloads the gun and IVAN talks on, oblivious). IVAN: But there must be some meaning I can gain from all this. OSIP: (Cocking the hammer) No, life is short, then you kill yourself. IVAN: But the truth must be known! That I’m nothing but a low level government clerk from Saratov whose poor father has indulged him far too often and whose tongue, once loos’d by liquor, can’t help but exaggerate his station.

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OSIP: Trust me, I’ll spread the word once you’re gone. (Puts the gun in IVAN’s hand and against his temple.) No don’t pull the trigger, squeeze it – IVAN: But if I do this, won’t I be taking the coward’s way out? OSIP: No, you’re being very brave. (Take the gun away) Here, let me shoot you myself. IVAN: Perhaps I need to suffer first. OSIP: (Aiming) Fine, the first shot will leave a painful wound, then I’ll beat you to death with a rock. IVAN: (Grabbing the gun) No. No, Osip. You’re too kind, (Firmly yanks gun away) But no! OSIP: (Aside, to the audience) We do this every day. IVAN: (Looks to heaven, born anew). From this point forward, I shall lead a simple, honest, courageous life.

Loud door knock. IVAN jumps and screams. The door bangs open and a short little monster of a WAITRESS stomps in.

WAITRESS: What do you think you are doing? IVAN: Ah, your sudden entrance is quite fortuitous as I am quite hungry. WAITRESS: My master already told you: “You don’t pay the bill, you can’t eat the food.” You owe us two hundred rubles. (She hands him the bill) IVAN: Have I not explained that I am awaiting a large check from my rich father to erase all my debts? WAITRESS: Have I not explained that I am awaiting an oiled and glistening Cossack to rumple my love bed? No money, no food! You don’t pay; he’ll send for the authorities and put you in jail.

The INNKEEPERS WIFE – a country slattern and pregnant – enters.

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INNKEEPERS WIFE: The Mayor is here to see the gentleman. WAITRESS: So bring him up. INNKEEPERS WIFE: You bring him up! WAITRESS: I don’t take orders from you, I’m your mother! INNKEEPERS WIFE: And I’m your master’s wife, so I’m not below you anymore! WAITRESS: You want someone you’ve been below to bring him up, call the blacksmith. I’d tell your husband just whose anvil you got in there, but you never know when you’re gonna need horseshoes. INNKEEPERS WIFE: I HATE YOU MOTHER! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! (The Innkeepers Wife stomps out, followed by the Waitress). IVAN: Did – did she say the Mayor’s come? To see me? OSIP: (At the window seat) There’s police outside too. IVAN: Osip, go down to the stable and wheedle a coach. Promise its driver he’ll be paid the minute we reach the city. OSIP: Right! (OSIP goes out. We here the MAYOR’s voice outside the room.) MAYOR: (Offstage) IVAN ALEXANDREYEVICH HLESTAKOV!

IVAN shoves the gun under a pillow. The door bangs open. IVAN checks himself in the mirror and spins around just in time to face the Mayor.

MAYOR: My spies tell me you’re from the capital. IVAN: (Affects a cocky air) I am, yes, from the capital, verily. MAYOR: Travelling about? IVAN: From town to town. MAYOR: Seeing sights? IVAN: Here and there. MAYOR: A few of the sights you might have missed.

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IVAN: Such as? MAYOR: (for instance) Hospital, school, jail – IVAN: (Loud, involuntary) NO! MAYOR: (Aside) He’s so firm! So commanding! IVAN: (Aside) I think I wet myself. MAYOR: (Aside) He’s obviously a man who toys with his prey. I must throw myself upon his mercy. MAYOR and IVAN: (Turn to each other) GOOD SIR – IVAN: –before you go further, I want you to know this is not what I – MAYOR: –not what you’d hoped to find on your visit, I know, but when I received word about you being at the Inn – IVAN: Understand me: Every other town I’ve visited, there hasn’t been a single problem. If I have money in my pocket, I don’t step foot outside my hotel. MAYOR: (Aside) Money in his pocket! He’s letting me know he takes bribes. IVAN: (Aside) He hasn’t arrested me yet! If I confess to owing the two hundred rubles, perhaps he’ll go easy on me! (To the Mayor) And this price, if I confess to you that the figure was two hundred rubles, you’d say…? MAYOR: (Hands him money) Here! Take it! Two hundred rubles, call it a loan. IVAN: A loan? MAYOR: (Goes down on knees) Oh, I beg you to take pity! Anything you’ve heard about me is a lie! (Stands, digs in his pockets) How much was the room? I’d say at least another two hundred. IVAN: (eyes pop) Two hundred? MAYOR: (Gives him more money) Three, then! Four! And two hundred more to cover the tip!

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IVAN: You’re giving this to me? MAYOR: Legally, no; in actuality, yes. A man of your station deserves better then this hotel… If only…no, I can’t… if only you would do me the honor of staying…with me. IVAN: (After a beat) I don’t know, I really should be getting on the road… MAYOR: Splendid! We’ll see to it your things are sent over at once. Now, A tour of the town! LIGHT RUSSIAN MUSIC

SCENE THREE The sitting room of the Mayor’s house. A few hours later.

GRUSHA, the old grumpy gnome of a maid, sets up the set, silently ordering around the other staff to open the set and right the furniture. The room has two chairs and a drinks table. It’s all over-decorated with a ghastly feminine touch. ANNA enters in a horrid pink dress with lots of ruffles and tassels. The set is complete as GRUSHA rolls her eyes and waddles out. MARYA, in a pretty yellow dress and not happy about it, enters.

MARYA: Better? ANNA: Much. MARYA: I still prefer black. ANNA: Well, think of yellow as a very light shade of black. MARYA: And you’re wearing pink. ANNA: Pink makes a man think of youth and beauty and the blush of a rose. MARYA: Mother, the blush is off the rose and the rose is off the bush.

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Voices Off. “You can’t go in there!” The door bangs open and OSIP enters, with lots of luggage. A steamer trunk is on his back. GRUSHA follows, upset.

GRUSHA: This one says he works for the fella who’s coming to stay. OSIP: Where’s the guest room. GRUSHA: I told him we don’t have a guest room. ANNA: Of course we do! GRUSHA: No we don’t – ANNA: Yes! We do! (Winks at GRUSHA) The guest room that looks just like the room my husband and I sleep in! GRUSHA: You’ve got a twitch in your eye. ANNA: (To OSIP) My good man, I’m not asking you to tell tales, but your master, he’s really high up in status, isn’t he? OSIP: He would be loath to admit just how high his status is. ANNA: What kind of eyes does he like in a woman? OSIP: Open. But it’s not a requirement. (OSIP and GRUSHA lumber off through a side door with the luggage. Boisterous voices offstage?) MAYOR: (Offstage) Oh, wife? Are you “at home”? ANNA: Yes dear, we’re in here!

The door bursts open. The Mayor ushers in IVAN, who has a huge cigar in his mouth, the JUDGE, PRINCIPAL, HOSPITAL DIRECTOR, DOCTOR, POSTERMASTER, DOBCHINSKY, and BOBCHINSKY, SVENTSUNOV and the POLICE all follow behind. IVAN gazes at the horrid room.

IVAN: Oh. Now this is a room. (Looks at ANNA) And that is a pink dress. ANNA: (deep curtsey, offers her hand) Bienvenue toi moi maison petit. IVAN: (To MAYOR) Wife?

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MAYOR: (sighs) Yes. (IVAN kisses her hand). ANNA: And this is our daughter, Marya. MARYA: (Not interested) Hello. ANNA: Give him your hand. MARYA: (sticks out her hand, deadpan.) Hello, here’s my hand. (IVAN kisses her hand. GRUSHA steps forward and sticks out her hand too. IVAN blinks at her.) MAYOR: And, er, Grusha, our maid (IVAN kisses GRUSHA’s hand. When he pulls away, she stares at her hand. He winks, smirking.) IVAN: I know, Grusha, you will never wash that hand again. GRUSHA: Never have, never will. (IVAN’s smirks drops. GRUSHA waddles offstage.) ANNA: Er, would you like to sit? IVAN: Would I? (Plops on a chair.) This has been quite the afternoon. None of the other towns I went to showed me anything! MAYOR: We took our friend on a little tour. ANNA: Ohhh. What did you like the most of our many attractions? IVAN: The hospital maybe. Crouching down to look in at all those little sick kids with the red blotches on their faces. ALL OTHERS: Yes – the blotches – dreadful – MAYOR: (Aside to HOSPITAL DIRECTOR) What did you use? HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: (Aside to Mayor) We splattered them with beet juice. IVAN: You will be able to cure them, won’t you? DOCTOR: “Let naytoor take eets course.” IVAN: Wise wisdom. DOCTOR: Poota la boom. ANNA: What else did you like?

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IVAN: The sports building with the little school attached. That was impressive. (Beat) I should see if my servant has everything in order. Is he…? ANNA: He’s in the kitchen. IVAN: Won’t be a moment. ANNA: Hurry back! (IVAN goes out stage right). Well? Has he said why he’s here? MAYOR: He won’t say! SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: He’s keeping up the pretense of being a clerk in some obscure no-place on his way to visit his father. BOBCHINSKY: Well, he has no choice! He’s incognito! JUDGE: There must be some way to make him spill the beans. SVETUNOV: (At the door) He’s coming back! DOBCHINSKY: Look like we weren’t talking about him! (They take up elaborately disinterested poses as IVAN enters. After a moment.) IVAN: Ahem. ANNA: Oh! Why you’re back! And look at our poor manners! We haven’t offered you an aperitif. My dear, make our guest a cordial, will you? MAYOR: Certainly. IVAN: Well, I’m not sure I sh – MAYOR: And of course it’s at this time that we always make our daily toast to (looks around for help and finds none until, unenthusiastically, MARYA sighs) MARYA:…the Tsar. ALL OTHERS: (With great respect) The Tsar. IVAN: Yes. The Tsar. Can’t say no to a toast to him, can I? The MAYOR raises his glass, IVAN stands.

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MAYOR: To the Tsar! ALL OTHERS: To the Tsar! (ALL drink. IVAN winces and drinks) ANNA: Anton, our guest’s glass is empty. IVAN: No, that’s – POSTMASTER: Oh but now we toast to the Tsarina. Here you do the honors. (Fills his glass) IVAN: (Stands, tipsy, lifts glass) All right, erm – To the Tsarina! ALL OTHERS: The Tsarina! (They drink. IVAN starts to sit down, but they refill his glass). DOBCHINSKY and BOBCHINSKY: To Russia! ALL OTHERS: To Russia! IVAN: (Now drunk) To the best town I’ve visited on my whole trip! ALL OTHERS: Hooray! YES! That’s right! IVAN: (Very drunk) My prince and count friends say I’m too extravagant, but it’s the only way I can find light and beauty to balance the demands of… “The department” (everyone reacts) That what’s we call it, we can never call it by it’s full name, it’s take too long and would be too scary. “The department of –” (IVAN makes a scary face and lunges at the other.) BROOOOO-HAHAHAHAHA!!! ALL OTHER: (In terror) AHHHH! IVAN: Or “The Department of –” (IVAN leaps about like a demented ninja.) HEE-YA! HEE-YA! HEP! HEP! OH, NO YOU DON’T!!! ALL OTHERS: (Dodging, screaming) AHHHH! IVAN: Our department would just say back “You stupid faceless masses! Why don’t you have faces? Are you stupid? ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER ME, FOR I AM HE WHO SHALL UNCOVER ALL CRIMES AND ASSIGN THE FEARFUL PUNISHMENT!!!!!” (IVAN stops and looks at the others through

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glazed eyes). …Why are you all staring at me? (Indeed all of them are staring, with wide frightened eyes.) JUDGE: So we can see you. SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: You’re a nice man. (And IVAN falls to the floor. Everyone reacts and starts towards him.) ALL: Ohh! – My Heavens!

STRONG RUSSIAN MUSIC BLACKOUT

SCENE FOUR

The sitting room of the house, the next morning. There is a settee and piano present. MARYA lays despondently on the couch. MAYOR is pacing as ANNA enters.

ANNA: Is he up and about? MAYOR: No, he’s been out cold for twelve hours. ANNA: Well, the poor man deserves a rest, he practically runs the nation! MARYA: You don’t think some of that was exaggerated by his being, oh, drunk? ANNA: “In vino veritas.” And even if half of it was vino, his veritas was impressive. MARYA: I didn’t like his display of temper, though. ANNA: I knew there was something wild about him the way he kept looking at me. MARYA: (As the family walks off stage) He wasn’t looking at you, he was looking at me. ANNA: Why would he be looking at you?

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MAYOR: I’m sure he was looking at both of you. MAYOR, MARYA, and ANNA exit off left. JUDGE, POSTMASTER, SCHOOL PRINCIPAL and HOSPITAL DIRECTOR with DOCTOR enter stage right.

SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: Thank god he’s not come down yet. HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: It’s very simple, if we want him to go easy on us, all we have to do is provide a little incentive. JUDGE: Are we discussing bribes again? BOBCHINSKY and DOBCHINSKY enter. BOBCHINSKY: It’s him! DOBCHINSKY: He’s coming!

ALL quickly and noisily exit through the center doors. IVAN enters stage left.

IVAN: What a good night’s rest! This isn’t a bad town at all. It’s nice to know there are still places in this world where people will give you whatever you want just because they like you.

The center door slams open and the judge pops out like a jack-in-the-box. The door slams shut behind him. IVAN turns, surprised.

JUDGE: Pardon for intruding, Lyapkin-Tyapkin, Judge of the court. (Beat. Points off). Oh look! IVAN: What? (IVAN looks off and the JUDGE throws a wad of money to the floor, then looks away, playing dumb.) JUDGE: Nothing. IVAN: Look there! (picks up cash). It’s two hundred rubles! And it’s wet. Like it was inside the paw of a sweating yeti. (Inserts wad into the judges hand) and it fits! Come, now, tell the truth: Is the money yours? JUDGE (Near tears) … yes.

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IVAN: I knew it. You know, it’s a funny thing, but I find myself a bit short of cash, you…heh, heh… you wouldn’t want to lend me some of it? JUDGE: Keep it! Keep all of it! In fact – (Gives him another wade of cash) – make it three hundred! IVAN: Thank you so much!

The JUDGE hurries out stage right. The center doors pop open, and the HOSPITAL DIRECTOR, the SCHOOL PRINCIPAL and the DOCTOR tumble out. The door closes again.

IVAN: More new friends! GRUSHA enters GRUSHA: Hey! The doctor’s gotta come quickly! The innkeeper’s wife is in labor! DOCTOR: “Dee cow is goink have baby!”

As the HOSPITAL DIRECTOR buries his head in his hands, GRUSHA pulls the DOCTOR out through the center doors. ALL OTHERS hiding behind the door freeze suddenly, hoping not to be seen and quickly close the door.

IVAN: Say, do you have any money you could loan me? HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: Well, what a coincidence! I happen to have three hundred rubles I was going to use to buy chloroform and anesthetic supplies, but… (hands him a wad of cash)… let’s just cross our fingers and hope for the best! SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: Yes, my three hundred rubles was to buy new books for the school board meeting, but –(Hands him a wad) but they can burn old books just as easy. IVAN: You, and your institutions have been very kind.

The HOSPITAL DIRECTOR and the SCHOOL PRINCIPAL hurry out stage right as the center doors open, and the POSTMASTER pops out. Doors close.

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POSTMASTER: (Takes out a think envelop) Why, look! A letter and it’s for you! It’s sealed and thick. It’s contents neatly bound in non-sequential serial numbers. IVAN: You know, I think we should keep in touch. POSTMASTER: Oh, write anyone a letter and put in a P.S., I’ll get it.

The POSTMASTER winks and exits stage lift as – the center doors open. BOBCHINSKY and DOBCHINSKY pop out. They grin and wave. Then run away.

IVAN: I think they think I’m someone else. What did I say to them last night? That wine! I must have told them I was some official bigwig.

OSIP enters with luggage. IVAN: Why’ve you brought the bags? OSIP: Coach leaves in twenty minutes. IVAN: Oh no, we aren’t leaving. People give me things and smile at me. OSIP: And when they find out you’re not who they think you are? IVAN: Why would they? OSIP: Because they aren’t as stupid as they look. IVAN: Meaning? OSIP: They aren’t as stupid as they look. IVAN: One more night! The mayor’s daughter keeps throwing me contemptuous sneers, and you know what that means. OSIP: She has contempt for you? IVAN: Do you know how many women I’ve had on this trip? OSIP: None that didn’t involve the exchange of money. IVAN: Osip! Are you saying those women paid to be with me? OSIP: (To audience) It’s like talking to meat. (To IVAN) I’m saying no woman in this house would give you a toss.

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IVAN: Is that a bet? OSIP: Yes, but I want some proof, a token of sorts. IVAN: (rolls his eyes and takes out a letter). Here, mail this to Tryapitchkin the journalist. OSIP: Right. (OSIP takes the letter and is about to exit when – the center doors open, and MARYA enters. To IVAN) Double or nothing. Proof in hand. (OSIP exits. IVAN puts on what he thinks is his most charming smile.) IVAN: Sorry, I hope my servant didn’t startle you. Were you on your way somewhere or just passing through? MARYA: I live here. IVAN: Ah…yes. (Saunters up to her) Tell me you like me a little. MARYA: Let me put it this way: If you didn’t exist, I wouldn’t make you up. IVAN: There must be something I can say, something I can do! MARYA: I’d like you to compose a poem. About me. Now. Out loud, off the top of your head. IVAN: I see. Well. I’ll give it a shot… (Beat) “OH-” MARYA: And it has to rhyme. IVAN: (Beat) “OH-” MARYA: With my name. Marya Antonovna Skvoznik Dumakhanovsky. (IVAN looks at her. Looks at the audience. He clears his throat, plants his stance and intones). IVAN: OH, MARYA, HAVE YOU MET MARYA? IF YOU HAVE NOT, I’LL BET YOU ARE SORRY YAAAA… HAVEN’T

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OHHHHHHHHHH… (IVAN now feels he can pull this off and sits at the piano and plays the rest in the style of a jaunty song.) MARYA, OH, MARYA OH, HAVE YOU MET MARYA, MARYA THE MAY-AY-YOR’S DAUGHTER WHEN SHE READS EUGENE ONEGIN, SHE WILL HAVE YOU BEGGIN’ MARYA, OH, MARYA I PRAY I CAN CARRY YA OVER THE THRESHOLD OF LOVE HER EYES SPARKLE BRIGHT AS A GLITTERING STAR SHE’LL HAVE ANY HEAD FROM A SERF TO A TSAR! FOR YOU I WOULD EVEN GIVE UP MY CIGAR! FOR I LOVE YOU DARLING MARYA! FOR I LOVE YOU, DARLING MAH-REE-AHHHH! (IVAN finishes with a flourish and looks at MARYA, expectant. MARYA throws herself on him, smacking him with a long, hard kiss.) MARYA: I love you! I’ve loved you since the moment last night when you turned red then white then green! Say you love me too. IVAN: I love you! I love everything about you. I… I love that sash around you waist. I’d like to BE that sash, to hug and to hold you. MARYA: Oh, my darling, I must give myself to you at once! ANNA: (Offstage) Marya!

MARYA quickly unties the sash and gives it to IVAN. Then she jumps on him and throws him to the settee. ANNA enters.

ANNA: What is the meaning of this? MARYA: We’re engaged! IVAN: What?

25

MARYA: Engaged! He loves me Mama! ANNA: (Cool) Daughter, please remove yourself to the parlor while I chat with your inamorato. MARYA: Au revoir, mon Jean!

MARYA sticks her tongue out at IVAN and saunters off through the center doors, closing them as she goes. IVAN cringes a bit as ANNA narrows her eyes at him.

Anna: Sit. (IVAN sits on command. ANNA joins him on the settee, draping herself close) So. Alone at last. IVAN: Well, not really. I’m here. (ANNA affects a trilling laugh, which unnerves IVAN more). ANNA: Oh, you master of logic! (Sniffs a “tear”) Marya must have charms her mother missed. IVAN: Oh, don’t say that, Marya is like you in so many ways. ANNA: It this like Marya? (ANNA grabs him by the lapels and kisses him. He flails under her assault. She lets him go. He gasps) IVAN: I think the back of my throat was punctured. MAYOR: (Offstage) WIFE!? ANNA: It’s Anton. IVAN: Give me a keepsake I can hold close as a remembrance. MAYOR: (offstage) WHERE IS EVERYONE? ANNA: (Hikes up her skirts, pulls off her garter) Here. IVAN: (Eyes pop) Your garter?! MARYA enters through center doors with a small bag and cape. MARYA: I’m ready.

MAYOR enters followed by SCHOOL PRINCIPAL, HOSPITAL DIRECTOR, DOCTOR, JUDGE, DOBCHINSKY, BOBCHINSKY and SVETSUNOV and POLICE.

26

MAYOR: Here you are! OSIP enters. OSIP: The coach leaves in two minutes. MAYOR: Your Excellency is leaving? IVAN: Business of the utmost national secret and importance. But I shall return. And Osip – (IVAN surreptitiously shows OSIP the garter and sash. OSIP looks awed). OSIP: Master, I have a new level of respect for you. IVAN: Meaning? OSIP: I have respect for you. IVAN: (turns to MAYOR and family) Marya. Mama. Mayor. My family. I must go now!

With that, IVAN zooms out through the center doors. ALL follow out, waving and saying their goodbyes. Sound of horses, a whip, and troika bells. ALL enter as POSTMASTER enters stage left.

POSTMASTER: Everyone! I have grave news! The government inspector we took for whom we thought he was isn’t whom we thought at all! ALL: What? – What’s she – ? What’s she saying? POSTMASTER: I opened his letter. (Opens letter and take out one page. Reads:) “My dear Tryapitchkin – you will recall when last we traded letters I had just been fired from my position as clerk when I happened on a miracle. A mayor, who shall be nameless but whom I’ll call Mayor Idiot – MAYOR: He didn’t write that! POSTMASTER: He did. Mayor Idiot, who fell over himself giving me money, bowing, scraping and groveling. After him, the whole town took turns bribing me. It’s hard to know who was the worst, but the post – ” (stops).

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HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: What? Post what? POSTMASTER: (Making the letter up)The postwar period has been a – HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: (Grabs letter, reads) “ – but the postmaster may win. She opens everyone’s mail and think she’s some sort of power broker, but mostly she just reminds me of an old gossip woman.” POSTMASTER: (Faints to the floor) Ooooo! HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: “As for the Hosp –” (stops and folds letter.) The rest is merely local color – SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: Oh, no you don’t HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: NO! SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: (Grabs it, reads) “As for the Hospital Director, the only mystery about the vile, greasy rodent is why he drags this incomprehensible physician around. All I can assume is that the two are bound together by some horrid secret passion. HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: Ogghh!!! DOCTOR: Smiles, all innocence) Vat? Vatsis patoo? SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: And then we have the school principal who’s so stupid he wouldn’t know I was making fun of him if he was reading this letter out loud. (laughs, then realizes) Is he talking about me? JUDGE: (Grabs letter) Let me see that! (turns it over, aside) Whew, Nothing about me. POSTMASTER: (Rises, takes next page from envelope.) Page two. (reads) “How repulsive is the judge?” JUDGE: (Grabs for it) Put that down, that’s evidence! ALL: Oh, no! – Grab it! – Don’t let him! – He’ll eat it! MAYOR: (Gets it back) “- I have to bang the Mayor’s wife to win a bet.” ANNA: ARGGHHHHHH!

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MAYOR: “Which shouldn’t be hard since she’s always offering herself to me. As for her daughter, she talks like she wears a chastity belt, but she acts like she knows a lot of locksmiths.” (MARYA crumples.) Write to me at my father’s Hovel. (The Mayor lowers the letter). DOBCHINSKY: Well, frankly, I’m hurt. BOBCHINSKY: How come he left us out? MAYOR: Bring him back! Head him off! I want that vermin back this moment! SVETSUNOV: He was given the fastest horses in town with a pass through all the roadblocks. GRUSHA: Well, I knew he well a fake the moment I saw him. HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: How? GRUSHA: His servant told me. SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: He did? GRUSHA: Pillow talk. (GRUSHA winks and swivels her hips back out the door.) MAYOR: Some one must pay for this! MARYA: You can’t blame someone- MAYOR: Yes you can, you can always blame someone! That’s what people are for! JUDGE: Well, who started it all in the first place? (They turn on BOBCHINSKY and DOBCHINSKY) HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: It was those two. POSTMASTER: The fat boy and his fat friend. BOBCHINSKY and DOBCHINSKY: No! JUDGE: You’re nosy! HOSPITAL DIRECTOR: Moronic!

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MAYOR: And there are TWO OF YOU! AND YOU’RE IDENTICAL! AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN RELATED! ANNA: Kill them and use their fat for winter! ALL OTHER: Get them! – Find a rope! – Skin them first for the blubber!

As they are about to tear them to bits – a tall, imposing IMPERIAL MESSENGER in military garb, tall hat, boots, and saber marches in. Everyone stops and turns to him.

IMPERIAL MESSENGER: The inspector authorized by the imperial government requests your immediate presence in his quarters at the Inn. (These words fall like a thunderbolt). MAYOR: The government inspector? He’s arrived? IMPERIAL MESSENGER: No, sir. He’s been here incognito for three months. ALL OTHERS: HERE?? – THREE MONTHS?! – WHO CAN IT BE?

The DOCTOR step forward and removed his false mustache, false beard and eyeglasses. He whips off his white coat. He wears a sleek black suit under. He stands erect and addresses them in perfect diction.

DOCTOR: Your government, ladies and gentlemen, sends it regards. (Clicks heals) TO THE TSAR!

Tableau vivant: the petrified group looks at him, then out front, their faces and gestures in horror. Curtain.

End of Play