The Evolution of Resolutions

January 1

Youʼre finally going to do it. Youʼve a made a promise to yourself and youʼre going to keep it, goddammit! Take one long, good, last look at that gut - itʼs the last time youʼll ever see it looking that way. Now go for that jog.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

February 15

Itʼs totally normal. Everyone gains weight over Valentineʼs Day...all that chocolate. How can anyone expect to stay fit when theyʼre bombarded by Whitmanʼs Samplers and tiny, delicious hearts?


March 18

Youʼre deep into month 2 and youʼre doing great. Be happy you made it this far, most people quit after a couple of weeks. Seriously though, donʼt sweat it. Itʼs mostly water weight. Green beer-induced water weight...probably some potato weight too.


April 12A couple of hiccups early on but nothing some power-walking and smoothies canʼt fix. Youʼve got extra motivation now too. Global Warming is quietly supporting your cause by making this the hottest April in a decade. Gotta pull out those shorts a bit early. Spring has sprung!


May 24The pools open in less than a week. Are you ready? Mostly. Youʼve been maintaining a healthy balance of tri-weekly runs around the park and breakfast by Kashi. Whether itʼs a 2, 4, or 6 has yet to be determined, but thereʼs definitely a pack emerging. A couple more weeks and people wonʼt be able to stop complimenting you on your ab.


June 11The half-way point. Six months ago you made a vow that this would be the year of the new, healthy you. Itʼs only June and youʼve already lost four pounds. Thatʼs more than four times as much as you lost last year! Who says people never keep their resolutions?


July 5Has anyone ever passed up a barbecue? Of course not, so why should you be expected to all because of a silly promise you made in January? The hot dogs, hamburgers, and ribs werenʼt going to eat themselves. It would have been a shame to let all of that food go to waste. It was your duty to eat....for America!


August 19Time for that last vacation of the Summer. I sure hope Ft. Lauderdale knows what itʼs in for. You and your crew are gonna TEAR. SHIT. UP. And donʼt concern yourself with the fact that you probably wonʼt get any exercise for the next six days. Standing around and drinking for twelve straight hours is equivalent to running for like, three.


September 3These resolutions are impossible to keep. Aside from a few weeks in June, youʼve basically failed up to this point...again. Next month brings Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas. How is anyone supposed to contain their gluttony through all of that? Just accept it, itʼs over. Give up now and start over next year.


January 1

Youʼre finally going to do it, for real this time. This year youʼve got two resolutions. Number 1: Get in shape. Number 2: Avoid the following - romantic relationships, all major holidays, the Irish, and Patriotism. Youʼve got this. Godspeed.


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The Evolution of Resolutions