The Ethnographer

7/30/2019 The Ethnographer

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THE ETHNOGRAPHER

PILOT

PaperbackLos Angeles, CAilovepaperback.comWGA #1573174


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COLD OPEN

EXT. SOUTH CENTRAL LA STREETS - DUSK - DREAM SEQUENCE

From behind we pursue A SHORT LITTLE BOY wearing a backpack,

SPRINTING down the sidewalk. He HUFFS and PUFFS with eachstride. Golden sunlight kicks flares across the lens.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAWN

Lying in bed, ERNIE McCARTHY [29, handsome enough] opens hiseyes. Birds chirp, cold eastern light pours in.

After a long five seconds of silence, Ernies clock radioswitches on. Its a big day and he awoke before his alarm.

MAN ON RADIOYouve gotta hear this story...

Without looking, he reaches to the bedside and silences it.He stares up at the ceiling, arms at his sides.

CUT TO:

EXT. LA STREETS - MORNING

An apartment on a quiet street in Koreatown. EMMANUELA EMMA

ESPINAL exits, walks to the curb and looks down the block. Apretty Dominican girl in her early 20s, Emma wears a blueMets cap, a backpack and clutches two breakfast burritos.

A recent American model minivan rolls up. Behind the wheel isMARTHA McCARTHY, 34, fresh-faced with her hair in a bun.

INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

Martha is listening to NPR as Emma opens the passenger side.She slumps into the van leaving the door ajar.

EMMAYo... Breakfast burrito.

MARTHA(takes burrito)

Oh. Thanks.


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Emma slams the van door. Hearing NPR on the radio, shechanges the station to something LOUD and takes a big bite ofher burrito. She opens the glove compartment.

EMMA(mouth full of burrito:)

You got any hot sauce?

INT. CAR - 15 MINUTES LATER

The van, windows down, slows to a stop at the curb of a largeattractive brick house in Hancock Park, Los Angeles.

EMMAWhat time are we supposed to bethere?

Martha checks the clock on the dash. It reads 8:09 AM.

MARTHA8:30.

EMMAIts okay. Hell understand.

MARTHAI know... Big sister syndrome.

Out of left-field Emma reaches over and violently honks thehorn, startling Martha. Emma screams out the van window:

EMMA(still honking)

MAAAAAAAXXXXXXXX! Get your ass outhere!

Emma starts digging in her backpack for her cell phone.

EMMA (CONTD)I texted him like 10 minutes ago tolet him know we were close.

The front door opens and MAX PARK [21, Asian] walks out with

a Jack Spade briefcase over his shoulder. He walks proudly.MARTHA (O.S.)

There he is.

Martha and Emma watch him approach the car.

Ten steps into the yard, the SPRINKLER SYSTEM ACTIVATESsoaking Max. An attempt at a quick exit makes it worse whenone of the moving heads hits him square in the face.

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Feebly, he holds up his briefcase to shield himself.

INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Ernie, still in his PJs, walks through his immaculately tidy

apartment. He opens a sliding closet door, revealing neatstacks of boxes and clothes in plastic covers. He removes twofolding chairs, walks a few feet away and unfolds them.

Returning to the closet Ernie takes out two more chairs andadds them to the others. Hes forming a circle. He walks backto the closet to retrieve more chairs.

INT. CAR (MOVING) - LATER

A still wet Max, Emma and Martha pull up to a curb. Thesliding door FLINGS OPENS and ABE BERLINSKY [30s, sloppy]

literally jumps inside the van SCREAMING:

ABEDrive, drive, drive!!!

THRU BACK WINDOW: A MAN IN HIS UNDERWEAR appears in themiddle of the road, vengeance in his eyes. Freshly sprungfrom his bed, he looks down the street both ways. His eyessettle on the van with vitriol.

Panicked, Martha turns around, flattens the gas pedal andspeeds off. The man in his underwear starts SPRINTING afterthem.

MARTHAOh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!

EMMAHoly shit, Abe, whatd you do?

Abe peeks back out the rear window.

ABEI stole my neighbors Wall StreetJournal again.

He holds up the morning newspaper in the bag.

ABE (CONTD)Hes in advertising. They dontread.

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ACT I

INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - BEDROOM

Several sets of eyeglasses fill the frame. A HAND appears and

removes a pair of large round glasses.

Ernie stands next to a free-standing VERTICAL EYEGLASSDISPLAY CASE commonly found in department stores. Its filledtop-to-bottom with DOZENS OF PAIRS OF SPECTACLES from alleras. Clearly, Ernies been collecting them for years. Heplaces the round glasses on his nose.

Ernie looks at himself in the TINY MIRROR at the top of thedisplay case. He looks a bit like Harold Lloyd and giveshimself Lloyds trademark open-mouthed grin in the mirror.

Putting the glasses back where they came from, he begins to

spin the stand around looking for another pair.

He stops, grabs a pair of classic 1950S HORN RIMMED GLASSESand puts them on. Liking what he sees, he hangs them on thecollar of his T-shirt and starts spinning the case again,looking for another pair for comparison..

INT. CAR - LATER

Max, Abe, Emma and Martha sit in silence awaiting their nextcarpool. Emma flips between radio stations irritatingly.Martha watches ANOTHER MINUTE TICK BY on the clock and sighs.

After a long wait, MESA [tall Argentine mystic, 50s] slidesthe door open and begins wafting BURNING SAGE into the van.He stands next to his two friends ZEN, 40s, and KATO, 30s.

Mesa hands the sage to Max who begins fervently waving itaround the backseat. He then leans forward to waft it in thefront seat making Martha cough. She waves the smoke away.

Meanwhile, Mesa and his two friends Zen and Kato dressedsomething like SoCal Shamans exchange hugs. After, Zenpicks up a pineapple off the ground and hands it to Mesa.

Max hands Zen the sage. Mesa climbs into the minivan. Heleans over and kisses Martha on the cheek and then Emma.

MESAChe boludos.

Max slides the van door closed as Mesa takes a seat.

CUT TO:

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EXT. LA STREETS - LATER

North Hollywood. TOM MACKTON, late 20s, sneaks out the frontdoor of a small bungalow holding his shoes. He labors toclose the door very quietly. Very handsome in a hip leatherjacket and clearly about to embark on an early morning walk

of shame, he slips on his shoes and starts down the street.

Not far from the corner and his cab home, Tom begins tobecome focused on his pant-leg. Trying not to break hisstride, he begins tugging at his inner thy. Something seemsto be stuck in his trousers. Tom starts massaging his leg totry and suss out the problem, causing him to limp a like aman in a hard cast.

Finally, he spots a corner trash can. Approaching thereceptacle he stops and reaches deep inside his pants to pullout the offending object. Having assumed he was all alone, heis FLUSTERED when he LOOKS OVER TO SEE...

PATTY MORRISON, a Nun in her habit, standing fifteen feetaway from him at the curb. Five foot nothing in her early 70swith curly black hair, Pat holds a basket with a blue-checkered cloth cradling freshly-baked bagels. She smileswarmly, accepting Tom and his predicament.

PATGood morning, dear.

Hand still DEEP inside his pants:

TOM

Good morning.

Tom removes the item from his pants. Its a pair of LACYWOMENS UNDERWEAR. He looks to Patty, blushing.

He frets for a moment as to whether or not to throw theunderwear in the trash. He can feel Patty watching. Sensingthis, he puts the underwear in his pocket and walks away.

Watching Tom leave, he waves a humble goodbye and Patchuckles, flashing the sweetest smile youve ever seen as shelooks down at her feet. Just then, the minivan rolls up.

INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

Pat opens the door from the outside. Max gets up and movesinto the back seat and sits at Mesas right.

PATGood morning everyone.

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EVERYONEGood morning sister.

MESABuenos das Madre Patrica.

ABEHoly shi

Martha and Emma swing around to scold Abe.

ABE (CONTD)iiiiva the destroyer are thosehomemade bagels??

PATThey are Abraham. I brought OJ,too.

Like some kind of domestic goddess, she shakes her purse andthe OJ inside it SWISHES. Abe puts his hands together in joy.

MARTHAThats great Sister. But lets sitdown, were running late.

Pat steps into the van and sits down. She tries to give abagel to Mesa, but he declines. Mesa holds up his pineapple.

MESANo, gracias. Tengo mi pia.

She hands everyone else a bagel, delivering Abes last.

ABE(chewing, ecstatic)

Oh thank you Jesus, its stillwarm!

Abes eyes roll back into his head until he starts feelingsomeone staring at him. He opens them and looks over.

Its Sister Pat. She glances down at his chest.

Abe looks down. His GOLD STAR OF DAVID NECKLACE is stickingout of his tank top. He tucks it in and takes another bite.

ABE (CONTD)What? A Catholic can make bagelsbut a Jew cant thank Jesus?

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EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES ALLEY - LATER

Downtown Los Angeles. JASON ALEXANDER, 45, the famoustelevision star, leans up against a wall in an alley.

He smokes a cigarette and reads an issue of PIZZA TODAY

magazine. Wearing large headphones that cover his whole ear,and aviator sunglasses, he is clearly tired and not excitedto be up this early.

The minivan pulls up and Jason flicks his cigarette away.

INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

The van door opens. No one says anything. A few sip frompaper cups of juice, unfazed by the famous TV actor in theirpresence.

Jason Alexander steps into the van and sits between Mesa andMax in back. Leaving his headphones on, he leans his headback and starts to nap. Martha drives off.

INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER

We focus on the eight folding chairs Ernie has placed in acircle. Ernie walks in and out of the frame in a bathrobe,drying his hair with a towel.

ERNIE reappears, walking directly to a particular chair onthe left side. He tweaks its position, adjusting it to form a

more perfect circle.

INT. CAR (MOVING) - LATER

The van is packed tight. Pat, the nun, leans forward.

PATSay Martha, do you think we mightstop for some juice?

Martha looks at Pat through the rear-view, eyebrow arched.

MARTHADont you have juice in your purse?

PATWell yes. But thats orange juice.I was hoping to buy somepomegranate juice.

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MARTHAWere almost to Ernies. Hell havesome, right?

PATOh jeez... I dont think so. Hes

more of a Grapefruit guy.

Emma, reading Abes Wall Street Journal, doesnt look up:

EMMARuby red. Crave the wave.

MARTHAWell, see... Were kind of runninglate.

A long silence. Martha keeps driving, hoping Pats requestwill pass. Then, just when she thinks shes in the clear:

PATIts just, my osteopath says Ivegot to drink pomegranate...Something about the potassium...

(long pause)My doctors name is Ka-newt.

Martha squints and tightens her hands on the wheel.

CUT TO:

INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - 15 MINUTES LATER

Black coffee pours into two white mugs. Max puts the pot backunder the drip and picks up each cup.

ERNIE (O.S.)Alright gang. Before we start,weve got a special guest today.

Max walks over to reveal Ernie, the FOCUS GROUP and Marthaassembled for a morning meeting that reeks of group therapy.Ernie, still in his bathrobe with a notebook open, sits at

the head of the circle. Max walks over to Jason Alexander,hands him a mug and sits down.

ERNIE (CONTD)You all know and love her. Lets goahead and thank her for organizingour first focus group carpool mybig sister Martha.

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The focus group golf claps. Martha nods appreciatively.Oddly, each member of the group seems to have a PING PONGPADDLE with a GREEN SIDE and a RED side with them.

ERNIE (CONTD)Okay. So, as you all know, the big

day is upon us. That means we havea lot to get through today. Solets dive in. First up: Which tie?

He holds up a red tie and begins to describe its color. Thegroup analyzes the proposition closely.

ERNIE (CONTD)#1 is kind of a Coral... Or maybeyou would call it more of aVermillion hue...

Martha, sitting next to Ernie, reaches out and feels the tie

between her fingers. She crinkles her nose.

MARTHAFeels itchy.

ERNIE(obviously displeased)

Good note... Thankfully, no onewill be touching it though.

Ernie widens his eyes, encouraging Martha to pipe down.Turning to the group, he holds up the Red Tie:

ERNIE (CONTD)Yay or Nay guys?

They hold up their paddles to vote. GREEN for YAY, RED FORNAY. Five nays. Except for ABE who has written Yay on hisright hand in thick black magic marker.

ERNIE (CONTD)Okay... Someone obviously forgottoday was a paddle meeting... Letstry not to make a habit of it, huh?Alright. #2. A nice Persian Indigo.

Ernie produces a nice, blue tie.

MARTHACan I vote?

ERNIENo.

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MARTHAWhy not?

ERNIEYou know why, Martha. The focusgroup is a finely tuned machine.

Martha looks at Ernie then to her right at the focus group.

INSERT: Deadpan images of a few of the Focus Group Members.Mesa bites into a pineapple slice, Emma braids her hair.

ERNIE (O.S.)(CONTD)Each person represents a preciseapportionment of the Americanpopulace...

OTS: Abe writes Nay on his left hand with his magic markerand, as hes left handed, hes having a tough go at it.

Ernie thinks, then delivers the summation of his reasoning:

ERNIE (CONTD)Any additional demographic wouldupset the balance... Sorry.

Martha sulks. ERNIE holds up the blue tie.

ERNIE (CONTD)Now. The blue tie.

Paddles up. Five yays and one nay from Mesa.

ERNIE (CONTD)Okay. And the wild card.

He holds a knotted bow-tie to his neck. Five nays, then:

MESA(a little late)

S.

WIDE: We slowly ZOOM towards Ernie marking down the outcomes.

ERNIEMoving on. Presentation jokes...Butterbeans, or just friends?

(looks up, back down)Uh-huh. Cutters or Burn Victims...

Ernie looks at the group, shrugs his shoulders and marks thevote.

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ERNIE (CONTD)Same picture either way.

(looks up, taps pad)Annnnd finally...

Ernie dons the pair of classic 1950s horn-rim glasses from

earlier.

ERNIE (CONTD)The October Sky glasses...

Ernie switches to a pair of boxy, computer engineer glasses.

ERNIE (CONTD)...or the Apollo Thirteens?

The focus group hesitates, unsure of how to vote. Ernie putsthe 1950s glasses back on, changing his description:

ERNIE (CONTD)Gay with an MFA or...

Back to the computer engineer pair:

ERNIE (CONTD)Baltimore artist collective?

He looks at the groups (unseen) vote and nods, surprised.

ERNIE (CONTD)Hmm. Interesting.

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ACT II

EXT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - LATER

Collegiate, ivy covered, Bridge Hall of Southern California

University.

ERNIE (O.S.)Wow.....

INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - SAME

Five, stuffy looking, tenured professors DR. HOCKNEY, DR.COUGHLIN, DR. AGNES MARTIN, DR. LOUIS and DR. ADAMS sitquietly at a long table.

Ernie, confident with a Windsor knot, suit coat and the

October Sky glasses, stands in front of a VIDEO PROJECTOR ona SMALL TABLE. About to present his dissertation proposal tothe board, his NERVES are getting the best of him:

ERNIE(smiles)

Im sorry... I guess Im morenervous than I thought Id be. Imean you type the outline inWord export your presentationfrom After Effects do a littledance in front of the mirror acouple-a-times...

(deep breath)But then youre actually here.

Ernie looks at the Board. They look back at him.

ERNIE (CONTD)See... Ive waited for this momentfor so long, Im not really surehow I want to start....

(he thinks, then smiles)

Ernie bursts to the front of the room, shaking hand forward.

ERNIE (CONTD)Hi, Ernie McCarthy. Doctor. ErnieMcCarthy. Doctor. Doctor.

(arrives at AGNES)Agnes, its been a while... Hi,Ernest McCarthy.

(Gets to DR. ADAMS)Hi Ernie

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PROFESSOR ADAMSMr. McCarthy, I assure you, thatsnot necessary. All of us arealready on familiar terms withyou some more than we should be.

Agnes [early 50s, buxom and pretty] waves at Ernie like aproud mother. He bashfully gives a two-finger wave back.

PROFESSOR ADAMS (CONTD)Why dont you just start with thetitle of your dissertation and wecan go from there.

ERNIEOh, of course. Right... Lets getthe lights.

Ernie clicks a REMOTE and the LIGHTS GO OFF LIKE MAGIC.

ERNIE (CONTD)Thanks George.

GEORGE [flannel teddy bear with a beard] stands in the barelyopen door, having just flipped off the switch. He nodssolemnly like a Native Chief and closes the door behind him.

Agnes chuckles. Dr. Coughlin shoots her a dirty look.

Ernie clicks the projector on. A NETFLIX-STYLE LOADING BARshows on the screen. It creeps along:

ERNIE (CONTD)Itll just be a moment. Its only 2gigs.

(stalls, chit-chatty:)You guys know any good bit torrentsites?

The presentation loads. Ernies dissertation title renders asbeautiful 3D text floating in the sky over a pristine meadow:

ERNIE (CONTD)Ok. Here we go.

(reading the title:)Transcendent American! Subtitle:How Corporeal Ideologies,Collaborative Friendship, AbortedCustoms, Affairs, Poor RecyclingHabits and Pizza make the AmericanCitizen Endangered in the ModernWorld.

Out of breath, Ernie sighs. Silence. No one moves.

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ERNIE (CONTD)With pictures.

Ernie clicks through a succession of images that liberallycorrespond to the points of his subtitle: A fry dipping intoketchup on a napkin; A soccer mom distributing orange slices;

A blurred face before and after breast augmentation; Ascreencap of Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo in the The KidsAre All Right; A Celebrate Arbor Day logo; Churchill,Stalin and Roosevelt at Yalta;

Finally, he comes to a stop on a CHEF ladling pizza sauceonto an unbaked crust, which remains on the screen.

DR. COUGHLINMr. McCarthy. Im not as familiarwith you as my colleagues so youllhave to forgive me for interruptingyour proposal after youve only

given us the title, but um... Whatin the world makes you think thatyou, of all people, arequalified...

DR. HOCKNEY(interjects:)

Im sorry, yes, or for that mattereven capable of, of, of

Dr. LOUIS(coolly)

Distilling the essence of 300

million people?

PROFESSOR ADAMSYes. Exactly. And to claim thatpizza sauce has something to dowith it is just... Offensive.

(a beat)This is a university, sir... NotRISD.

The insult hangs for a moment. Ernie smiles and starts intosome country club like gossiping with the professor:

ERNIEBrown really got the shaft in thatdeal, huh?

Ernie smiles and Dr. Adams warms to him a bit, chuckling.

DR. LOUISMr. McCarthy, please.

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ERNIESorry...

(deep breath)Listen butterbeans.

Hearing butterbeans, Dr. Hockney who is cleaning his GLASSES

with a CLOTH stops and squints at Ernie, confused.

ERNIE (CONTD)Id be lying if I said that Ididnt prepare for such a question.Because I did. I got this.

The projector flips to a CARTOON OF TWO GNOMES on one side ofa rickety rope bridge spanning the Grand Canyon. They standnext to a bike with loads of boxes marked FRAGILE strapped tothe back. One Gnome says to the other, I got this.

ERNIE (CONTD)

I have lived my whole life in LosAngeles. Of those 28 years, 23 and5/8 of them were spent studying itscitizens as its residentethnographer.

The projector flips to an image of a Pie Chart with threesections: One large labeled Ethnographer, one small labeledNot Ethnographer, and one a sliver labeled In Utero.

ERNIE (CONTD)Thats over 100 studies. Work that,you, of all people, my professors,

Team Works Cited...

INSERT: The five frumpy professors scowl at Ernie.

ERNIE (CONTD)...know has made me privy tocertain... Tricks of the trade...

Images of Ernies field studies tile on the screen.

ERNIE (CONTD)In addition to the 55 words per

minute I type when caffeinated,Ive also been published in severalnotable peer reviewed journalsincluding Journal of ContemporaryEthnography and when I was eight,Ranger Rick...

Full color scans of Ernies articles appear on the screen.

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DR. LOUISThats great, Mr. McCarthy. Butwhat does it mean?

ERNIEIt means lady and gentlemen

that I know how to make this pizzasauce...

The screen. A photo of Ernie tending a large pot of red sauceon a stove appears.

ERNIE (CONTD)It means Ive made it hundreds oftimes before. And it means now

The slide changes to an exact copy of the previous photo ofErnie making red sauce, but now with a HUGE POT on the stove.

ERNIE (CONTD)Im ready for a bigger pot.

He looks at the screen, smiles and turns to Dr. Adams.

ERNIE (CONTD)Theres your pizza sauce Lloyd...

(looks to the screen)That was a fun day.

Through the window in the door we see Max, watching Ernieattentively.

INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - THE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Out in the hall, George, plays catch with Phillip SeymourHoffman. Phil throws a particular good toss.

GEORGEThats it! Just like that.

Max is still peering through the classroom window.

GEORGE (CONTD)

(to Max:)Hows he doing?

MAXHes through pizza sauce.

GEORGEHowd it go?

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MAXNot tubular. Thats for sure.

GEORGE(tosses ball)

Yeah, I always thought pizza sauce

was weak in the rehearsals.

The rest of the focus group plays cards on the floor down thehall, while Mesa and Martha sit on a bench near the door.Martha looks tense, like the prolonged exposure to the focusgroup is getting the best of her. She shakes her right leglike shes playing bass drum for a Norwegian death metal bandand refuses to look Mesa in the eyes for more than a halfsecond. Conversely, Mesa could not be more relaxed.

MESAPero... Debes imaginar que eluniverso parece un neutrino.

MARTHAI know.

MESAMillones de neutrinos travs de sucrneo cada uno!

Martha stops shaking her leg for a second and looks Mesa deadin the eyes. Quickly she returns to shaking her leg andlooking off into space.

MARTHA

I know. I miss Pizzeria Uno too.


Ernie is still speaking to the board...

ERNIEProof you ask??

The professors look downright confused.

He snaps them back to reality with a SLIDE CHANGE to A videoof an EXPLOSION and an enthusiastic:

ERNIE (CONTD)Okay! Ive got proof!

Ernie takes off his October Sky glasses and replaces themwith the Baltimore Artist Collective pair.

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ERNIE (CONTD)Rule #1. This should sound familiarto you Dr. Louis, its from yourdissertation:

EXT. STREET - DUSK - FLASHBACK

From behind we pursue A LITTLE BOY wearing a backpack runningdown the sidewalk. He HUFFS and PUFFS with each stride.

His soles scrape the sidewalk as he turns a corner. We hearthe ruckus of a pick-up basketball game nearby.

The boy stops running and approaches a chain-link fence.

ERNIE (V.O.)Always obtain your information innaturally occurring settings.

POV: Six young men play pick-up three-on-three.

JAMES, on the sideline, leans against the fence, armscrossed. The METAL TIP OF A TAPE MEASURE slowly creeps upbehind him. Feeling a presence, HE TURNS AROUND...

ERNIEThis makes physical attributes ofyour subjects easier to garner.

Through the chain link fence, FIVE YEAR OLD ERNIE snaps theTAPE MEASURE CLOSED and widens his eyes innocently.

James squints, befuddled. Shaking his head, he turns around.Ernie slowly spins his back to the fence with a smile.

ERNIE (CONTD)The accuracy of your finalassertions depend on this doctrine.

Young Ernie opens up a notebook with a colorful chart of theattributes of the basketball players in the neighborhood. Hefills in James height, completes his chart and smiles.

INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - PRESENT DAY

Ernie holds up his index finger and grins.

ERNIEThen theres Irwin.

Ernie clicks to a card with Irwins photo and short bio:

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ERNIE (CONTD)More often than not the culturesyou study will have a certain wayof dress.

EXT. CENTRAL LOS ANGELES STREETS - DAY

YOUNG ERNIE, half the size of his subjects, jots down notesabout the clothes of two people, SHAWN and DESMOND. Unable tosee their faces, he studies the front of their brightbaseball jerseys.

He looks down at their jeans. Theyre GIRBAUDS and oddly, theperson wearing them seems to have them sag in the front.

Using CALIPERS, Ernie measures the length of the pants sagrelative to the waist and records it in his notebook.

ERNIE (v.O.)These sartorial cues will help youdevelop a taxonomy to identifyfuture subjects to engage.

WIDE: Ernies subjects stand at a food truck buying a soda.Contrary to what weve been lead to believe, their clothesare on backwards la early 90s rap duo Kriss Kross, and ithas been their back side Ernie has been studying.

INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - PRESENT DAY

Photos of a woman in a thick wool sweater, a soccer player,and a heavily bandaged man show on the screen as Ernie talks:

ERNIEThis is how you use hook knitsweaters to find knitters, umbroshorts to find soccer fans,bandages to find cutters, etc...

The Board fixates on the photo of the bandaged man on thescreen. Hes grilling burgers in his back yard. Ernie looksat the screen, then back to the board:

ERNIE (CONTD)Basic stuff, really.

The board shifts uncomfortably in their seats.

ERNIE (CONTD)Verber says...

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Irwins quote appears on the screen and Ernie reads it in anEastern European accent.

ERNIE (CONTD)Watch closely when your subjectsare presented with a choice.

EXT. HOUSE - DAY - FLASHBACK

A childs birthday party. Kids and parents mill around thebackyard near long tables covered with food and snacks.

A CLOWN in full makeup, HORACE, approaches one of the tables.

POV: There are two large plates of different sandwiches cutinto triangular halves.

The clown thinks for a moment but when he moves to take his

pick he notices a TWELVE YEAR OLD ERNIE staring at him.

Ernie pulls a small reporter-style notepad out of his backpocket and prepares to take note of the clowns selection.

The clown watches him suspiciously and slowly brings thesandwich to his mouth.

ERNIE (V.O.)Differences between groups arerarely better illustrated than whena member of subculture is presentedwith a decision to make.

Ernie poises his pencil to write.

Noticing this, the clown stops, holding the sandwich in frontof his open mouth.

Ernie lifts his pencil, waiting for the clowns mouth toclose.

After another beat the clown finally bites into the sandwich.

ERNIE (V.O.)

I....The notepad: Ernie adds a tally to the HAM AND CHEESE column.


The projector shows a PIE CHART with the title PIE CHART OFTURKEY VS. HAM AND CHEESE (YUM!) on the screen. Emotional:

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ERNIEI know these things because Im...

Ernie stands up straight. With out missing a beat:

ERNIE (CONTD)

...a little warm is it hot in here?

He takes off his suit coat to set in on a nearby chair. Dr.Hockney attempts to summarize the situation for all involved:

DR. HOCKNEYSon, dont you think its a bitnaive to outline the basic tenetsof our craft as some kind ofjustification for youroverreaching?

While listening, Ernie unbuttons and rolls up his sleeves.

After Dr. Hockney finishes, Ernie stands there, justthinking. For the first time he struggles with what to saynext. Hes off script. The words dont come as easily. Hespeaks, slowly, thoughtfully:

ERNIEYes. Sure. Undeniably. Very naive.But I do it because I have nochoice. There is no other way toshow you that I have no otherlife... My history is written inthe pursuit of others history.

(thinks)

While my peers were off scrapingtheir knees and putting bras onpillows and, and, and startingscreenprint T-shirt companies, Iwas studying this citys people.Ive lived with Punks, greasedbodybuilders, held Self-IdentifiedWitches while they wept As agraduate student I

He begins to cycle through images of himself assimilated intothe various groups. Dr. Adams quickly interjects with force:

PROFESSOR ADAMSMr. McCarthy, we are aware of andrespect the diverse nature of yourbody of work. After all, it is thereason you are here on scholarship.

Dr. Louis guffaws and looks at Dr. Adams.

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DR. LOUISTo be honest, at this point, Iquestion how he got this far in thefirst place.

(to Ernie)I see nothing academic about your

work at all.

ERNIEWell

DR. COUGHLINI have to agree. You dont seem tostudy people Mr. McCarthy, you justseem to knowthem. And I not surewhy you think that qualifies you toearn a degree. To use universityresources searching for something Idont think exists in the first

place.

ERNIE(soft, innocent:)

Okay. Ill just say this. Is itpossible to find a unifying threadin a culture as vast as America?Im not sure. But I know if it doesexist, Im the one to find it.

DR. MARTINI admire your passion Ernest... Butyouve gotta look around you

ERNIEI

DR. MARTINYou are among individuals who havecommitted their lives to studyingpeople... Youre the one who haschosen the loaded task. Not them.

Ernie swallows hard.

DR. MARTIN (CONTD)Surely you couldnt have expectedus to react differently. You aretrying to convince us, the expertsof our field, that you can dosomething we ourselves dont thinkwe are capable of... Not thecontrary.

Ernie looks at the board with eyes of defeat.

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INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - HALLWAY - TWENTY MINUTES LATER

George, with two black thumb-nails, and Martha stand close tothe door. It opens, Ernie exits.

MARTHA

Howd it go?

ERNIEWell see.

GEORGEWhat happened?

They all sit down on a bench, George in the middle.

ERNIETheyre talking it over. Theywanted me to wait out here.

Ernie looks up. The focus group is staring at him from acrossthe hall.

ERNIE (CONTD)Why arent they saying anything?

GEORGEThey kept bothering Mar--

MARTHA(unsentimental:)

The wouldnt shut up. So I

threatened to not let them playbasketball at the building anymore.

Ernie looks over at the FOCUS GROUP. Theyve been listeningthe whole time and all wear the expression of a child who hasbeen scolded and resigned to the corner. Ernie smiles at themwith compassion and begins to take off his tie.

ERNIECmon... You know they live for thepeach basket.

Max, the Asian intern, nods with puppy dog eyes.MARTHA

Listen. I love them.(She looks at the SIX.Awkward, loudly:)

I love you guys.

GEORGEMe too.

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The group swells with smiles.

MARTHABut if I have to hear another goddamn question about juice...

She points at Pat, the nun, who is mid sip from a POM juicein its signature bottle.

MARTHA (CONTD)Baby powder...

She points at scruffy Abe, who scratches his inner thy.

MARTHA (CONTD)Or what I think it means to go toHeaven...

She points at MESA, the mystic, stroking his beard.

MARTHA (CONTD)I am gonna get out of hand like afrisbee!

Ernie looks at her like, Really, dude?, and mouths Frisbee?

The door opens and the BOARD BEGINS TO FILE OUT. Perplexed bythe small crowd assembled in the hall, and particularly thefact that Jason Alexander is there, they step lightly,pointing stern eyes in Ernies direction. He furtively avoidstheir glances. Dr. Coughlin exits last.

DR. COUGHLINDr. Martin will see you inside.

Ernie looks his Focus Group in the eyes. He looks to Georgewho puts his arm around him. Whispering:

GEORGEHey... After this, well go to thecages, set the machine to OrelHershiser, and just...

He swings an invisible baseball bat and KNOCK! makes a ball

hitting a bat noise by clicking his tongue. Ernie stands andand pats George on the back.

ERNIEThanks George.

Ernie walks over to the focus group and addresses them:

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ERNIE (CONTD)I just wanted to say to you guys,no matter what happens, I reallyappreciate everything you do.Youre my best bunch yet.

Ernie walks to the door. Martha speaks up and Ernie stops.

MARTHAHey. Try not to be so... you.

George shoots Martha a Dont be so mean look.

INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Dr. Martin stands at the front of the room.

DR. MARTIN

Take a seat, sweetie.

ERNIEOooookey Dokey.

Dr. Martin sits down and Ernie follow suit.

Dr. MARTINErnest...

ERNIE(mimicking)

Agnes...

DR. MARTINHows your sister?

ERNIEShes good.

EXT. STREET - DUSK - FLASHBACK

Back at the basketball courts we saw earlier, Young Ernieopens up a notebook with a colorful chart of the attributes

of all the basketball players in the neighborhood. He fillsin James height, completes his chart and smiles.

DR. MARTINAnd George?

Unlike earlier, two womens feet enter the frame. Young Ernielooks up. A 28 YEAR OLD AGNES MARTIN, beautiful andcollegiate with a camera around her neck, looks at him withan adoring mothers eye. She leans down to look at his book.

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ERNIE (V.O.)Georges great. He made Martha aspice rack for Valentines Day...Both his thumbnails should fall offnext week.

DR. MARTIN (V.O.)(giggles, sighs)How long have we known each othernow?

INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

ERNIE(smiles, slowly:)

22 years, 2 months and six sleepovers.

DR. MARTIN(happy gasp)

Remember that study??

INT. HOSPITAL FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT

THREE YOUNG ARMENIAN BOYS play cards and drink soda. A TVplaying an action movie rests on a cart in the background.

One of the boys, NUBAR, brings his Mountain Dew can to hislips. Theres nothing left. He shakes the can to confirm,tosses it and opens a new can, chugging away.

ERNIE (O.S.)Of course. Prepubescent ArmenianSleepover Enclaves.

We PAN to Ernie, NOW 9. Sitting in one of two folding chairsnext to a video camera on a tripod, he diligently studies theproceedings, taking notes on a clipboard.

DR. MARTIN (O.S.)We all went to Dan Tannas tocelebrate after I sold the report

to Pepsi. It was my big break.POV: Paper on the clipboard. Three hand-drawn columns withthe names RUBEN, GARO and NUBAR atop them. Below are talliesof the number of sodas consumed. He adds a fifth diagonalstroke to NUBARs group of four existing tallies.

ERNIE (O.S.)Thats right! It was the first timeGramma Z ever tried champagne!

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YOUNG DR. MARTIN walks over and hands Ernie a paper platewith a slice of pizza on it. Sits down next to him. He takesa bite and they share a smile.

INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM

Ernie takes off his glasses, looks at them in the light tocheck for spots on the lenses. Glasses on, almost to himself:

ERNIEMind you, she drank enough vodka toget a Russian visa.

DR. MARTINOh, she earned that dinner. Loaningout the man of the house to me allthose years.

ERNIEThats one way to look at it.

DR. MARTINShe was suspicious at first.College girl carting around alittle boy.

ERNIEThen she figured out you were theanswer to her prayers.

DR. MARTIN

Someone to help her shape a brightyoung mind?

ERNIESomeone to help her grandson forgethis parents disappeared.

DR. MARTINI was lucky to find you. The son Inever had.

She smiles warmly. Ernie looks uneasy and the mood shifts.

ERNIEYou can tell me, yknow...

DR. MARTINI know, I...

Ernie looks at her like he knows what shes about to say.

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DR. MARTIN (CONTD)You should have let me preview it

ERNIESure. Okay. But it cant be thatbad.

(starts to reason)I have to narrow my study on paperbut really Im good to

DR. MARTINYou made a big miscalculationtoday. Coming in here all full ofyourself, with your capriciouspresentation... And the glasses...

ERNIEI had it on good authority that

DR. MARTIN(interrupting)

These are serious men, Ernest. Withserious sticks up their butts. Youknow better I taught you better!

They hold in silence. Ernie begins to breathe heavily andscan the room for solace.

ERNIESo, so, what? What does this mean?

DR. MARTIN

(slowly)It means they took away yourscholarship sweetie...

Dr. Martin swallows hard, struggling for her words.

DR. MARTIN (CONTD)Youre out of the program... Imsorry.

All emotion evacuates from Ernies face.

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ACT III

EXT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - LATER

Ernie walks out the front door of the building, looking more

than a little out of sorts. After about twenty feet, he cutsto the right and leaves the frame.

Yet, we linger on the front door. After a few moments, allsix members of the Focus Group, George and Martha comewandering out, following in Ernies footsteps.

EXT. CAMPUS FOUNTAIN - MOMENTS LATER

A peaceful clay-tile courtyard with a fountain. A few coedsmill about with backpacks, making their way to class andelsewhere. Ernie appears, walking towards the fountain.

Ernies eyes are heavy with grief. He barely lifts them offthe ground to see whats in front of him. He walks up to thefountain. The bottom is carpeted with spare change long agoexchanged for wishes.

TWENTY FEET BEHIND ERNIE

Martha, George and the focus group arrive at the edge of thecourtyard. They stop and watch Ernie.

THE FOUNTAIN

Ernie watches as the water cascades down the successive tiersof the fountain.

Getting an idea, he puts his hands in his pockets, searchingfor a coin.

BACK TO THE FOCUS GROUP

Abe, not wanting Ernie to be without a wish steps to go tojoin him. With a hand to his chest, Pat, the nun, stops him.

Ernies search comes up empty, just a RECEIPT and his KEYS.

Looking into the fountain like he might just steal a coinfrom the bottom, a new idea forms. Ernie reaches down PULLS ABUTTON from his shirt. He holds it in his hand and looks it.

We watch as Ernie gathers a wish in his minds eye. He scansthe insides of his eyelids for something, anything.

He finds it and his eyes open.

He flicks the button into the fountain.

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It lands on the water, floating. Ernie can be seen watchingin the waters reflection.

EXT. STREETS - LATER

Ernie drives his car. He stops at a stoplight. His spirit isbattered and he almost looks like hes going to cry.

After a few moments, a minivan slowly rolls up next to him inthe left turn lane. Piled inside are Martha and the focusgroup.

Martha rolls down the passenger side window.

MarthaIm ordering us pizza... 10 ThingsI Hate About You is on TBS.

The left arrow light turns green. Martha turns and the focusgroup waves. George drives by in his truck right behind them,offering Ernie a thumbs up. He watches them drive off.

Ernie stares at his red light and taps the steering wheel andsighs. He doesnt know what to do.

Giving in, he cranks the wheel to the left and follows Marthaand the gang.

EXT. GEORGE AND MARTHAS APARTMENT - THIRTY MINUTES LATER

George sits at the foot of the back stairs to George andMarthas apartment.

GEORGEHey bud.

ERNIEWhatcha doin out here?

GEORGEWaiting for you.

ERNIEHowd you know I was coming?

George smiles.

GEORGEBecause I know you cant resistMovie and a Makeover.

George smiles and Ernie laughs.

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GEORGE (CONTD)Lets go up. Everybodys here.

Confused, Ernie twists his lips. George perks his eyebrows.

INT. GEORGE AND MARTHAS APARTMENT - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Ernie and George ascend the stairs, George leading. When theyget to the top, George stalls, gesturing for Ernie to gofirst. Ernie slowly approaches the door.

INT. GEORGE AND MARTHAS APARTMENT - SAME

BLACK. The door opens, revealing Ernie and Georgessilhouette.

The lights come on. The apartment is filled to the brim with

people, each one an integral part of one of Ernies paststudies.

EVERYONESURPRISE!

Martha, Dr. Martin, Horace the clown, THREE WITCHES, TWOPUNKS, Zen and Kato, A BODYBUILDER, A PIZZA CHEF, TWO SKATERKIDS, A FOUR-MAN BARBERSHOP QUARTET, Shawn and Desmond stillrocking the Kriss-Kross look, Ruben, Garo and Nubar who arenow Ernies age, a burn victim named MARK, almost all of thefocus group and others are all crammed into the apartment.

A large banner reading SCREW THOSE ASSHOLES! hangs abovetheir heads.

The music kicks in and everybody starts having fun again. Dr.Martin and Martha approach Ernie and George.

DR. MARTINI know its not the outcome youwanted but we love you anyways.

They hug. Ernie catches a closer look at the banner.

ERNIENice banner.

MARTHAThank you!

GEORGEWe got one for each possibleoutcome.

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ERNIEWhatd the other one say?

MARTHACongratulations, asshole.

GEORGEKinkos made us sign a release.

Martha takes Ernies arm.

MARTHACmon, youre the man of the hour.Then at nine its Georges turn.

Ernie hesitates. He looks around the room. For some reasonall the faces from his past begin to intimidate him.

ERNIE

I-- I forgot something in my car...Ill be right back.

Ernie rushes out the door. George and Martha exchange a lookof concern.

EXT. STREETS - DUSK

Passenger door open, leaning into his car head first, Erniesass careens towards the camera. He frantically searches forsomething inside.

VOICE (O.S.)Looking for one of these?

Ernie turns around.

Its Jason Alexander and hes holding a cigarette.

ERNIEIdont...

Jason points at Ernie with the cigarette, interrupting him:

JASONCan the corn, donut. You cant foolme. I know Prince Charming sneaksoff to gun a stick when he cantstand being...

He walks closer and taps Ernie in the chest with thecigarette on the words Straight and Narrow:

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JASON (CONTD)...Mr. Straight and Narrowall thetime.

Ernie looks at Phil, down at the cigarette, then back intohis eyes. Jason awkwardly places the smoke in Ernies mouth.

JASON (CONTD)Whatre you so stressed out aboutanyway?

Jason steps away from Ernie. Ernie takes the cigarette out ofhis mouth and looks down at it, dolefully. When his eyes comeup to meet Phils they are filled with anguish and beg Howcould I not be stressed out?

Ernie opens his mouth to speak, but before he can answer:

JASON (CONTD)

Nope.

Jason takes the cigarette, pops it back into Ernies mouthand lights it.

JASON (CONTD)So you dont get to do yourdissertation the way you wanted it.Boo fucking hoo. Big deal.

Jason thinks, then lights his own cigarette.

JASON (CONTD)

A hospital is no place to be sick,and a university is no place tolearn about people. You know that.

Just then, a womans voice calls from off-screen.

HOLLY (O.S.)ERNIE!

TERRIFIED hes been caught smoking, Ernie ditches thecigarette with rapid speed. Slowly, he turns around...

HOLLY, a woman dressed in casual hippie garb waves at Ernieas she approaches arm in arm with her husband, SERGIO, who isdressed in civilian military attire. Ernie, still astray fromJasons words, takes a while to realize whats happening.

HOLLY (CONTD)We just wanted to say goodbyebefore we took off.

Sergio shakes Ernie hand then Holly gives Ernie a hug.

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ERNIEHey buddy... Thanks for coming.

HOLLYAww, we wouldnt miss it forBurning Man...

Holly looks over to Sergio for reassurance, but hes dazed,staring at Jason Alexander trying to figure if its reallyhim. A beat. Sergio realizes theyre speaking to him.

He extends his hand to Jason and they shake.

SERGIOSergeant Sergio Figueroa. 40thInfantry Division.

JASONJason. In talks for Mission

Impossible 5.

SERGIOErnie always said he needed acelebrity in the focus group.

(to Holly)Whatd he say LA withoutcelebrities was, again?

HOLLYJust Sunny.

SERGIOJust Sunny... Thats it!

Jason, pokes fun at Ernies maxim with his eyes. Holding in a

chuckle, he nods and puffs his smoke.

ERNIE(to Phillip)

Sergio was in the group during myundergrad years. After 9/11. Thatshow him and Holly met.

SERGIOIt was an important time to have amilitary presence in the focusgroup.

HOLLY(looks at Sergio)

And a peace presence...

Holly pulls Sergio in, reminding him of her beliefs.

SERGIOAnd a peace presence...

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They kiss. Untangling, they turn and look at Ernie with love.

HOLLYWell. OurplainstreambabysitterMelissa has her SATs tomorrow. Weshould go.

Sergio extends his hand to Ernie and when they shake beginsto hold it. He places his other palm atop Ernies hand.

SERGIOWe owe it all to you Ernie. You andDan Savage.

Ernie smiles. Next, Holly and Ernie hug.

ERNIE(to Sergio)

Oh, well... Thank you.

They stand there for a moment, the couple hand in hand. Hollylooks at little wet around the eyes. Its clear Ernie isimportant to them. Finally, after a beat, they start to go...

HOLLYAlright. Well see you cats on thefourth of July... Well miss you!

ERNIEMiss you too... Bye guys.

They walk off. After they do, Jason hands Ernie his still-lit

cigarette and Ernie takes a drag.

JASONYou think they knew each other in apast life?

ERNIEHuh? Maybe. Why?

JASONJust trying to figure out how theyended up together.

Ernie hands Jason the cigarette back. They look at the moon.

JASON (CONTD)Yknow... You find these randompeople, full of life... People whowouldnt in a million years evenstand next to each other in line atthe DMV...

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and you make them friends. You makethem lovers. Thats...

Phil trails off. He looks down at the ground and chuckles,thinking how Ernie doesnt know how great hes got it.

ERNIEI guess I never really thought ofit that way.

They stand in silence. Phil offers Ernie the last drags ofhis smoke. Ernie declines and Phil flicks it away.

JASONHere. Look at it this way. Lifes agame of numbers, right?

ERNIESure.

JASONSo look at your stats.

ERNIEMy stats?

JASONWhatever Johnny Meticulous. I knowyou know it. Whats the number?

ERNIETheres a lot of numbers...

JASON(groans)

People, Ernie. The number ofpeople. The focus group alumni,their moms, the study subjects, theguys at delis you happened to getto know because

ERNIE9,237.

JASON9,237?

ERNIEAnd counting.

JASONSo, 9,237 people, know you. Byname. And you know them. By name.

36.

JASON (CONTD)


38/38

ERNIEI know a lot of their birthdays,too... I spend a fortune onpostage.

JASON

(a beat, smiles, slowly:)Who can say that? ... I mean, thatmany people may know me, but I willnever know any of them... Wow. Ninethousand people. Who can say that?

Ernies face floods with guilt. The faces of those peopleflash before his eyes. In a moment he finally understandsthat while hes important to others he hasnt done muchto deserve it in a long time.

Then, Ernies eyes fill with hope. His worry washes away whenhe realizes that those who merit his love are not far away.

MATCH CUT TO:

INT. GEORGE AND MARTHAS APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Ernie stands in the middle of the party, smiling, looking offcamera. Music plays on the speakers in the apartment. As theframe widens it becomes jam-packed with the smiling faces ofeveryone from his past. Wider still, all eyes are on Marthawho carries a CAKE COVERED WITH LIT CANDLES. George followsher snapping photos. She brings the cake to Ernie and someoneturns off the lights. Only Ernies face can be seen. He blows

out the candles. BLACK. Everyone claps and cheers.

The lights come on, Martha leans in and hugs Ernie.

MARTHASo whats next?

ERNIEIm gonna find Mom and Dad.

Martha looks at Ernie, surprised.

BLACK.

37.

Documents

The Ethnographer