The Dynamics of the Addicted Family

Instructor:Craig Nakken, MSW

THEMES WITHIN FAMILY

SYSTEM

FUNCTION

ENERGIES

LINKS OF INTERACTIONS

LOGIC OF THESE LINKAGES

WHAT DOES ENERGY SERVE ? (PERSON / SYSTEM / HEALTH/ DISEASE)

Addiction Counseling Involves Monitoring Different Systems At The Same Time

• Counselor must monitor the psychological system of the individual as they work with the addictive system.

• Counselor must monitor the addictive system as they deal with the psychological system. (This is the reason traditional psychotherapy often fails with addicts.)

• When working with the family, the counselor must monitor a third system-- the family system

TRAITS OF A HEALTHY FAMILY

The healthy family admits to and seeks help.

The healthy family communicates and listens.The healthy family affirms and supports one another.

The healthy family teaches respect for others.

The healthy family exhibits a sense of shared responsibility.

The healthy family teaches a sense of right and wrong.

The healthy family has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound.

The healthy family has a balance of interaction among members.

The healthy family has a shared religious core.

The healthy family respects the privacy of one another.

The healthy family values service to others.

The healthy family fosters table time and conversation.

The healthy family shares leisure time.

What happens to a family when the illness of addiction enters into

and starts to take control of the system?

Addiction, like any other major

illness, is a more powerful system than

most families -- the family must

adjust to it

Change In Family Homeostasis As Addiction Enters System

Addiction Value-CenteredFamily System

(+)

Addictive-CenteredFamily System

(-)

• Restrictive• Rigid• Closed• Power-based instead of values-based

Four Basic Tenets Of Addictive Families

Addictive families are behavioral systems in which addiction and addictive-related behaviors have become central organizing principles around which family life is structured.

The introduction of addiction into family life has the potential to profoundly alter the balance that exists between growth and regulation within the family. Most often, the family becomes skewed in the direction of an emphasis on short-term stability at the expense of long-term growth.

The impact of addiction on family systemic functioning is most clearly seen in the types of changes that occur in regulatory behaviors as the family gradually accommodates family life to the coexistent demands of addiction.

The types of alterations that occur in regulatory behaviors can in turn be seen to profoundly influence the overall shape of family growth and development ---- changes in the normative family life cycle that we now call “development distortions.”

Peter Steinglass, M.D. with Linda Bennett, Ph.D., Steven Wohin, M.D., David Reiss, M.D. The Alcoholic Family

Virginia Satir’s Concept: Virginia Satir’s Concept: Self-Other DilemmaSelf-Other Dilemma

We first experience this self-other dilemmain our families. We are taught to put aside self for

the needs of the family“Me versus We”

The self-other dilemma refers to the human conflict between our needs of self-interest and the need we have to be in

relationships with others. If we overvalue individualism we never fully resolve this dilemma.

“An abnormal reaction to

an abnormal

situation is normal.”

Powerlessness

= pain = entitlement

Alienation

Learned Helplessness

The professional victim distorts powerlessness, making it seem like a virtue.

Victim Trap

Characteristics of:Compulsively rehashing the damage you have suffered --> bound tight by past you are trying to escape fromEnergy is wasted in blaming & fault-finding (covertly keeps you tied to old structure of the system you are trying to separate from)End up repeating and can become the next generation of victim / victimizerCan end up preoccupied with your faults and weaknessesHard to see variationsPromise of sympathy is part of the Victim TrapSeek out victim status --> can become hooked to one’s own pain, but don’t see it as one’s ownIdentity can get formed around being a victimOnce you see yourself as a victim, entitlement comes into play --> often leads to giving oneself covert permission to victimize othersDoesn’t allow all the pieces of the past to come together and complete the pictureChildren are seen as only vulnerable, helpless and locked into and onto a family; insult to the reslient child

Benefits of Being a Victim

There is one benefit:1. You get to escape guilt, diffuse responsible.

Costs of being a victim:1. You have to sustain an ever-growing feeling of resentment.2. You must see yourself as terminally different from others.3. Intermittent but intense bouts of self-pity.

Course of Therapy for Typical Alcoholic Family

Stage I Diagnosing alcoholism and labeling it a family problem

Stage II Removing alcohol from the family system

Stage III The emotional desert

Stage IV Family restabilization versus family reorganization

From: The Alcoholic Family By: Peter Steinglass, M.D. with Linda Bennett, Ph.D., Steven Wolin, M.D., David Reiss, M.D.

Addictive Families Become Addictive Families Become Shame Bound SystemShame Bound System

A shame bound family is a family where we all feel alone together

““Shame is an inner sense Shame is an inner sense of being completely of being completely

diminished or insufficient diminished or insufficient as a person. as a person. It is the self It is the self

judging the self.judging the self. A A moment of shame may be moment of shame may be humiliation so painful or humiliation so painful or an indignity so profound an indignity so profound that one feels one has that one feels one has

been robbed of her or his been robbed of her or his dignity or exposed as dignity or exposed as

basically inadequate, bad, basically inadequate, bad, or worthy of rejection.”or worthy of rejection.”

--M. Fossum & M. Mason. --M. Fossum & M. Mason. Facing Facing

ShameShame----

Etiology Of ShameOften starts when a person’s thoughts, feelings or physical being are being treated like an object or a

thing

Or when a person experiences events that they are not developmentally ready to experience and can’t

incorporate into their being

Can start when person has their powerlessness regularly held in front of them so that they can’t

escape the feeling

Rules That Govern Shame-Bound Family

Merle Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason’s book: Facing Shame:Families in Recovery

1. Be in control of all behavior and interactions.

2. Perfection: always be “right.” Do the “right” thing.

3. If something doesn't happen as you planned, blame someone (yourself or someone else).

4. Deny feelings, especially the negative and vulnerable ones like anxiety, fear, loneliness, grief, rejection, neediness and caring.5. Unreliability: don't expect reliability and consistency in relationships.6. Incompleteness: don't complete transactions.

7. No talk rule: don't talk openly about disrespectful, shameful, or compulsive behavior.

8. When disrespectful, shameful, abusive or compulsive behavior occurs, use disqualification or denial to reframe or disguise it.

Additional Rules That Are Found Within Shame Bound Family

• If there is pain, then someone must pay

• You are not allowed to emotionally grow past the shame without leaving the family or being seen by family as a traitor