TheDameWhoDaredtoDream-Perfidy

NISHASADASIVAN

Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Thenames,characters,places,organizations,eventsandincidentsareeithertheproductsoftheauthor’simaginationor,areusedfictitiously,andarenottobeconstruedasreal.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,organizations,events,orlocalesispurelycoincidental.

“SudhandhiramMattumIllamalSorgameyIrundhumYennaPayan?”

-PoetVairamuthu

(Whatistheuseinhavingheavenitself,iftheonlythingnotavailablethereis“freedom”?)

ContentsIntroductionChapter1:WelcometoPlanetEarth..Chapter2:ThisisME!Chapter3:HowImetmyfriendChapter4:ClassesBeginChapter5:DaysRollByChapter6:DearOldGrandma!Chapter7:IEarnedanEnemyChapter8:TheWheelTurnsChapter9:TheChessTournamentChapter10:My‘girl’friendChapter11:ThisisHeavenonEarth!Chapter12:Murphy’sLaw!–MissionTCSChapter13:ApocalypseChapter14:TheBigDayChapter15:Finally,wemingleChapter16:A‘girl’friendanda‘boy’friendChapter17:PunePlansChapter18:HellDaysChapter19:PerfidyChapter20:DespiteDams,theRiverFlowsChapter21:LerêvedesrêvesChapter22:IwishIwereaManChapter23:AGroomcomeshomeChapter24:Whereareyougoingto,myprettymaid?Chapter25:MysteriousMiseries-PartIChapter26:MysteriousMiseries–PartIIChapter27:MysteriousMiseries-PartIIIChapter28:SubhashreeopensupChapter29:TheMarinaChapter30:NadhiyaChapter31:GoodluckisaresidueofpreparationChapter32:Septemberthe3rdChapter33:FreedomAtLast

Introduction

Notallscarsshow,notallwoundsheal.Sometimes,youcan’talwaysseethepainthatsomeonefeels.

-LisaFrench

Everywomandreamsofmarryingahandsome,smartandindependentguy,withabrainofhisown,whowillfallonhiskneestocourther,andwhowoulddoanythingtowinherheart.

Andyes,Ifoundmyman!Aravindisthename!

I’vebeencryinguncontrollablyfortwoweeksnow(July15th,2015),tryingtofigureoutwhyAravindcalledoffthemarriagewithmeadayafterwewereengaged.

TheengagementwasscheduledonJune29th,2015.

Themehandifunctionhappenedtwodaysearlier.Momwasmoisteningmyhandswithlemonwater.Iwassoexcited!!

ThiswasthefirststeptotherestofmylifewithAravind.Iwasalreadydreamingoflongdriveswithmysweetheart,kissinghimallthetime,latenightmovieseveryotherday,mybraincouldnotcontainallthereveries.

Butnow,hewasnolongermine.Why?WasInotbeautifulenoughforhim?WasInotintellectuallyexcitingenough?Whyme?Ilovehimlikenooneelse,andIknowIwillmarrynootherman…Nooneelsebuthim…

Chapter1:WelcometoPlanetEarth..

Ifyoufollowthecrowd,youwilllikelygetnofurtherthanthecrowd.Ifyouwalkalone,you’relikelytoendupinplacesnoonehaseverbeenbefore.

-AlanAshley-Pitt

Here’sthetemplateofatypicalIndiansociety:

Yougotoschool,study,study,studyandstudy.Areyougoodatsports,acting,oration,anything?Forgetit.Don’tgivethoseadamn,becauseevenifyoudoindulgeyourselfinanysuchthings,it’sawasteoftime,foryouwillultimatelylanduponlystudying.That’sthewayitworks.Allyouneedtoknowhereisswallowandvomitbooks–rangingfromTamil/Hindi,English,Mathematics,Physics,Chemistry,Botany,Zoology,HistoryandGeography.

Youwonastate-levelathleticsgoldmedal?Bravo!!Sowhat?Youfailedinthreesubjects,justpassintherest.Oh,you’retotallyworthlessandunfitforsociety.

Thesocietycallsyouasuccessonlywhenyouscorea100%ineverything,oratleastthefirstrankinclass.

Inyour11th/12th,didyouhappentochooseNutritionorHomeScience,Commerce,orabsolutelyanythingotherthanMathswithBiologyorMathswithComputerScience??Thereyouare!!“Loser!!Loser!!Loser!!”.You

wouldbebrandedforever.Themomentyouchooseanyofthenon-engineering/medicinesubjects,theworldknowsyouaregoingtobealoser.Of-course,ofwhatgoodisanaccountantorachef?

Ifyouarethebestofthebeststudents,yououghttobecomeadoctor;elseobviouslyyouareanengineer.Ifyoutrytobecomeanythingelse,oh,ofcourse,youarealoser!!

Accordingtotheso-called-society,adoctororanengineercanearnmoremoneythananyotherprofession–andmaybeitstrue.Butaskthemedicalstudentswhytheyhavechosenthiscareer,andtheirresponsewillbeonlythis:Adoctorcansavelives…(Butnoonewantstosaythatyoucanpracticein4to5hospitalsatatime,andearnequalamountfromallhospitals,privatepracticeexcluded!!)

Well,ifyouweresointerestedinsavinglives,youcouldalsobecomeanurse,therearesomanyaccidentsaround,youcouldprovidefirstaidandsavelives..Youcouldbecomeanambulancedriver-savinglivesisthetruemotive!!No!!Noonewillacceptit.Money!!yes!!It’sallaboutmoney!Butit’sjustthattheywon’tnameitso!!

FreeWilldoesnotexist.Ohyes,itexistsonthedictionary,nowhereelse.Youhavenorighttochooseyourownreligion.Youbelongtothereligionyouwereborninto.Ifyoudenouncereligion,youarelabeled“ignorant”andifyouswitchreligions,youarea“disgrace”tothefamilyandthereligion’ssanctity.

Well,theconceptofcastesandcommunitiesexist,butto

whatgood?Oh,toplaypolitics,whatelse!!Whatisthepurposeofcastes?Whycan’tweabolishthem?Thereisasmallgroupalwaysaskingthisquestion,butthereisabiggergrouptoemotionallyplayyoudown,torouseeveryone’sbloodforacastethatmeansnothing.Doit,andthentheycallyou“normalhuman”.

Awomandoesnothavetherighttochoosewhenshewantstogetmarriedorhavebabies.Ifshetriestomakeherowndecisions,theywouldsimplycallheran“illbroughtupbrute,unfitanduselessforthesociety”

Well.Lifelong,everyonehastheresponsibilityofmeticulouslyfollowingtheirpredecessorsandnevertothinkoutofthebox.Thinkingoutoftheboxisataboo.Mindit!!

Andthisbeingthestateofaffairs,Idream,everyday,ofbeingdifferent.Iwanttobedifferent.Iwanttothinkdifferent.Iwanttolivedifferent.IdonotwanttodowhateveryDickandTomandHarrydoes.IdonotwishtodosomethinganyDickorTomorHarrycando.Iwanttobemyself.Iwanttobuildmyownworld.NeitherdoIwishtocomparemyselftoanyone,noranyonetocomparethemselveswithme,somethingthisworldisincapableof.Individualitieshaveneitherplacenorrespect.Idesiretofollownone,anddemandnonetofollowme.Iwanttodosomethingnoonehaseverdonebefore,somethingthat’suniquewithitsownsignature!!IknowIbelongtoutopia.Iwishutopiaexisted.Ibelongthere,betterthananywhereelse.WhenIdosomethingdifferent,theworldwantstoknow“why”Idothingsdifferently.Isay“Whynot?”,andtheycallmea“fool”.Whattheydon’trealizeisallprogressthathadeverhappenedonearthwasbecauseof“visionaryfools”,andthecrowdthatisbusy

followingthecrowd,isalwaysmeticulouslyfollowingthecrowd.

Chapter2:ThisisME!

Fashionisaboutdressingaccordingtowhat’sfashionable.Styleismoreaboutbeingyourself.

-OscardelaRenta

Hi,

ThisisKarthika.Iamdifferent–Iwearglassesandameasilytheshortestinagroupofpeople.Ohyes,Ilookdifferent(alwaysproudofmyheight).IjustjoinedintoaprestigiousengineeringcollegeinChennai.Yes,youguesseditright.Iamsecond-grade,unfittobecomeadoctor.Butwait.Ididn’tgetitallthroughluck.Igotitthroughmanagementseat.Myparentshavepaid1lakhINRfortheregistrationandfirstyearfees,andeveryyear,theyneedtopay1Lakh.Thatmakestheworthofmydegree4Lakhsotherexpensesexcluded!

Mycousin,Divya,enteredintothiscollegetoo.Sameage,sameyear,samedepartment,sameclass.Now,wedon’tshareagreatrelationship,andbothsideparentskeepcomparingusforeveryotherthing.Iwantedtokeepawayfromherasmuchaspossibleallthroughmyschooldays.Butasfatewouldhaveit,Iamlockedupwithherforfourawfulyears..fouraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawfulyears!!Ican’timaginelivingfourlongyearswithheraroundmyback.4x245x8x60x60secondsofmylifehadtobespentwithher.

Ioftenimaginemymom’slamentations:

1. Divyagotthismuchmarks!2. Divyascoredmorethanyou3. TeacherappreciatedDivya!4. HowmuchdidDivyascore?5. Divyawouldbestudyingnow.Youarewatching

TV6. Divyagotabetterscoreinthistest7. Divyawillneverwastetime.Lookatyou.

Sleeping!!8. Youscoredslightlymorethanherthistime.

Good.Keepitup!9. WillyouscoremorethanDivyaatleastthistime?

OMG!!Endlesslyit’sgoingtobethesameboringstuff.Theverythoughtofitsendsshiversdownmyspine

Wearebothdayscholars.Luckily,IstayatMandaiveli,andsheatAmbattur.So,atleast,wewillbetakingdifferentroutebusesfromcollege!Atleastasmallrespiteforthetorturedmind.

Iamaverygooddreamerwithnocleargoals.Imyselfhateforittothisveryday.IdreamofFrench.France!Paris!TheEiffelTower,Nice,Cannes,oh,thelistisendless..

IwanttobeasfluentinspeakingFrenchastheFrenchpeoplethemselves.Forwhatreason?Don’taskmethat.IloveFrenchbeyondwordsandthatisacrazinessthatrageswithinmeday-inandday-outasaneternalflame.IwanttolearnFrenchatanycost,nomatterwhat.Incapableofpursuingmydream,Iamonevaincreature

sittingwithmyEngineeringGraphicsdrawing.

Bharati-myeldersister-wasatopperallherlife.ShehasgraduatedfromthebestmedicalcollegeinChennai.

Myparentsareextremelydisciplinedpeople.MydadisaprofessorofStatisticsandmymom,Botany.

Almost,allmyschooldays,Ihadbeencomparedwithmysisterandrebukedopenlybymyparentsandteachersalike:

“HowcouldyoubeBharati’ssister?Shenevergotsuchhorriblemarksinallherlife.Whatashametoyoursister’sname”,

AndnowIwasgettingallsettobesnubbedalongsidemycousin.Heightsofirritation!WheneverwasIgoingtobefreeofallthisnonsenseinallmylife?

Iwasn’tparticularlyalastranker.Iusedtohitthefirstfiverankssomehow.Now,thepointisthat,Bharatiwasoneperson,who,ifgivenachancebetweengivingupfirstrankandherlife,shewouldgladlychoosethelatter.Hence,comparedtoher,ofcourse,Iwas“hopeless”.

Thus,Iwasunderstandably,theuselessbrat,born‘outofplace’andraisedwithoutanotherchoice.

Nottoforget,mymostinspiringminddidthetrickmostofthetimesaying,“Ofcourse,youareworthless.Yourparentsdon’tallowyoutostudyFrench.YouknowforsureyouareneverevergoingtostudyFrenchagain.Alreadyyouwouldhaveforgottenalmostallthebasicsyoulearntinthefirstlevel.It’snouseanymore.Gobecomeasoftwareengineerlikeeverybodyelse.LikeeveryDickandTomandHarry.Nootherway!”

IwassureifIeverdiedthatway,Iwouldbeoneofthoseunsatisfiedspiritsroamingaroundtheearth,waitingtofulfillanunfulfilleddesire(ifonesuchconcepttrulyexists).OhhowIwishitdoes!!

IamanamateurChessplayer.Iwonachessgoldmedalsometimewaybackinschool.Ienjoyplayingthegame,butforthefactthatIknownothingmorethanwhichdirectionsthepiecesmove.

Themosthorriblepartofmylifeisitsmundane,nothingchangesatall,it’sthesameyesterday,todayandforever.Oh!Iloatheit.

And,Ilovereadingbooks.Ireadalotofbooks,someinterestme,manydon’t.IamafanofAgathaChristie.Isoundold-fashioned,don’tI?IwanttoonedaywriteabookthatIwouldenjoyreadingeverydayofmylife.No,thisbookwillnotbewrittentomakemoney,nottobecomeabest-seller,buttobeenjoyedbyme,tobeenjoyedbysomeonewhoenjoysmytaste.Fornooneelse.It’sdefinitelynotforeveryDickandTomandHarry.Itwouldbeforsomeonespecial–forme!!

IdreamtofvisitingFrance,theChamps-Élysées,thetourEiffel,theLouvre,ArcdeTriomphe,theSeine,theBateauxMouches,LuxembourgGardens,PalaisdeVersailles,Marseilles,FrenchRiviera….Oh!!Dreamsaredivine!!

Chapter3:HowImetmyfriend

Friendshipatfirstsight,likeloveatfirstsight,issaidtobetheonlytruth.

-HermanMelville

Collegewasnothinglessthana“prison”,asitwasfondlycalledbyall.AsanyengineeringcollegeinChennai,boysandgirlsarenotallowedtospeaktooneother.

IamgenerallyalonerwhodoesnotbotheraboutfriendsasIammostlyincapableoffindingmykindofperson.Iamneithertheminglingnortheflirtingtype–asItoldyou,Idon’tbelongtothisworld.Theordinarydoesn’texciteme.It’sonlybizarrethatdoes.

Iliketobeonmyown,mindingmyownbusiness.Ihadacoupleofbadexperiencesinschool,withfriendswhohadcheatedme.So,Ipromisedmyself,thatincollege,Iwouldbeonmyown,withoutgettingtooclosetoanyone,boyorgirl,whoeveritbe.Whatarelessonsinlifefor,ifyoucannotlearnfromthem?

Firstdayincollegewasuneventful.IwassittingwithDivya,asIknewnooneelse,Ididn’thavemuchchoice.Iwouldhavebeenalothappierwithouther.

Onmywaybackhome,onthebus,abeautiful,homely-lookinggirlsatbesideme–lean,fair,bespectacled,curly-hairwell-oiledandbraided.Assomeonesaid,“The

firsthandshakeandthefinalgoodbyearethetoughestthingsonearth”.Well,Iguesssomeonesaidthat.Iamnotsure.

Yeah,Iwasthinkingoftherightwordstostart,when,outoftheblues,shesaid:“Hi,IamDevi.StudiedinJGVV,AnnaNagar.Andyou?”

Wow!!Thathomely-lookingDevistartedtheconversation!Unbelievable.Atleast,sheisn’tthatmuchofanintrovertasIam.

“Hi.ThisisKarthika.StudiedatEwart.Whatdidyousay,wasthenameofyourschool?Sorry,Ididn’tgetitright”.

“JGVV–JaiGopalGarudiaVivekanadaVidhyashram”

“Oh,haven’theardofit.IsitCBSEorStateBoard?”

“CBSE.It’safamousschool.Surprisedyoudon’tknowit.IgetdowninMylapore.Howaboutyou?”

“Ohthat’sprettyclose.IgetdownatMandaiveli.IaminCSEdepartment.Howaboutyou?”

“Same.Areyouavegetarian?”

(Oh!Iwantedtoaskthatquestionmyself)

“No,amnot.Amnon-vegetarian.You?”

“Same,non-vegetarian.ThoughtyouwereaBrahmin”

“Itoothoughtthesameofyou”

“OkKarthika.Nicemeetingyou.Mystopiscoming.Needtogo.Bye.Seeyoutomorrowonthebus”

“SureDevi.Bye.Iwillsaveaseatforyou”

Andoffshewent,sparkingthefirstflamesoffriendship

*****

ThereasonIwantedtoaskthatquestionwasbecause,IhateBrahmins.IhavehadbadexperienceswithBrahminsinmyschooldays,andIloathedthemforit.

Theyhavetrickedme,insultedme,spokenillofmetoothers,mockedmesomuchsothatIreviledthembeyondwords.

So,generallyIwasn’tfondofthelotthattheywere.IfonlyDevihadbeenaBrahmin,Idefinitelywouldnothavehadanythingmoretodowithher.

Chapter4:ClassesBegin

Day2onthecollegebus:

Ilovethemorningbreeze,nomatterhowcolditis.

Minewasthesecondstop.Deviembarkedtwostopsaftermine.Lookingforwardtomeetingafriendfeltgreatandthebreezeonlyaddedcharmtothefeeling.Thereshecame–ingreenchudiwiththedupattapinnedonbothsides.

Fortherecords,ifyoudidnotknow,allgirlsinmycollege(orprisontobemoreprecise)weretobewrappedinchudidharanddupattapinned,andnosleeveless!Else…FineofRs15/-

NoIDCard?Fine

Foundspeakingtoboys?GomeettheChairman–(Thegoonda-manMr.Muthuramalingam),bringyourparentstocollege,etc.

Forgetthepunishments,backonthebus,myfriendwascoming.Shesawme,foundmeandsatnexttome.

Wetalkedandtalkedtillwereachedcollege.No,shewasn’ttalkingthingsaboutothers,itwasjustaboutusandIlikedit.GossipisonethingIcannottolerate.Noteveninmydreams.

Weproceededtogethertosameclassroom.Wesattogether.Pop,camemycousinanddutifullyoccupiedtheseatnexttoDevi.Oooh…Thatwastheendofall

goodness.

Imadeitapointthatnothingnegativeshoulddistraughtmyhappinessanyfurther.IstartedtospendtimewithDevi-talktoher,lunchwithher,roamaroundtogether.IneverworriedaboutDivya,unlesssheaskedforsomething,orIhadsomethingtotellher.Luckily,prettysoon,shemadefriendswithagirlnamedChitra,andthereendedmyburden.Happyagain!

Isitontherownexttotheboys,becauseDeviwasaveryreservedperson,whodidnotwantanythingtodowith“boys”.

Alean,bespectacledhandsomeguysattomyright.

Theclassin-chargeenteredtheclass-Mrs.Jayanti,astern-looking,short,dark,bespectacled,smartly-dressedprofessor.ShewarmlywelcomedusintotheprisonandsaidshewouldbehandlingChemistryforus.

Therollcallsbegan…

AndIfoundout!ThebespectacledfellowwasBalajiSrinivasan.

Professorscameinoneafteranother,introducingthemselves,tellinguswhattoexpectoutofthejail,remindingusthatwehadcomeheretostudyandnottoflirt,soonandsoforth.Eightperiodsofnon-sensedone,witheachsessionhavingaseparateroll-call,wefinallypackedourbagsbackhome.

Thegoalofanyengineeringcollegeisalwaysoneandthesame:Studywell,getgoodgrades,getajob,that’sexactlywhyyoustudy,job..jobandjob..dreamofnothingelse.Placementnumbersmaketheirhoarding

boards,andmycollegewasoneinthelot!Theytellyouwhattodream.Noneofyourbusinesstodreamyourdream.Mindit!!

Chapter5:DaysRollBy

OurEnglishProfessor,MrsVimala,wasthefunniestofall.Oh!ShewasadoublePh.DinLinguistics,andblimey,herEnglishwasnobetterthanasecondstandardkid-repletewithblunders.

Withawigdanglingdownherwaist,andEnglishawfullywrong,(anoticeableTamilaccenttoit,andwithTamilwordsinterspersedhereandthere),wonderhowanyonecontrolledlaughterinclass.

“Pa,thiskoshinisveryimpartantfortheegjam.Ifyoucannotconcentrate,youjusgetoutofmyclassIsay”

Sriniusedtoaskmelittlethings–textbook,pen,shoesforElectrical/Mechanicallab,matchboxforChemistryLab,etc,etc.Therewasnobetterreasontosparkafriendship,andofcourse,nobetterreasontostartteasingaboyandagirl.Devistartedteasingmewithhim.And,everytimesheteased,Idutifullyrejectedit,whilesecretlyenjoyingthefeel

MyChemistryprofessorandclassin-chargedevelopedanimmediatelikingforme,andshemademetheclassrepresentativeforgirls.Mindit,wehadtwoleadersforboys,andtwoleadersforgirls!!

EngineeringGraphicswasonesubjectthatbrokemyspine.NomatterhowmanytimesItried,itjustwouldn’tpenetratethatskullofmine.

Ellipsesandparabolasandhyperbolas,orthographicprojection,Perspectivedrawing,soonandonandon.Itsimplydidnotmakeanysensetome.

‘Cycletests’cameandwent.InafewIscoredmorethanDivya.Infew,shescoredmorethanme.

Reactionsathome:

“Lookatyourmarks.InEnglish,ComputerEngineeringandDigitalPrinciples,youhavescoredmore.Butwhat’stheuse.ShesurpassedyouinPhysicsandMaths.Youcouldhavedonebetter.Ireallydon’tknowwhenyouaregoingtobecomeresponsible.”

Scoringmorethanmycousinmeansbeingresponsible!!I’llnotethatonedown.Buttheproblemis,peopleconvenientlychangethedefinitionof“responsibility”aspertheirneeds,somuchsothatit’ssotoughtotellwhattheultimategoalofbeingresponsibleis.

Examswerefastapproaching.FearofanarrearwasfastestapproachingThefearoflostdreamswascomfortablyresidingwithinme.

Practicalexamswerefun.Noonestudiedanything(except,ofcourse,thetoppers),buteveryonewishedtoclearit,somehowortheother,byluckorchance,callitwhatyoumay.

Wehaddifferentbatchesseparatedbasedonthealphabeticalorder,andhence,secondandthirdbatcheshadalotoftime,whilewaitingforthepreviousbatchtofinish.

Intheacresofgreenlandthatourcollegewasbuilton,ifyouarenotfoundstudyingunderthetrees,theonlyotherplaceonecouldpossiblylocateyouwasinthe

canteen,notparticularlytoeatorstudy,butmostlytogossip/meetandwatchguys(providedspieswerenotaround).Youaremostlikelytoseemostofthehandsomepicksthere,incasetheyweren’tthestudioustypes.

Mainexamscameandwent.Studyholidayswerefun.Iwasexpectedtodonothingotherthanstudy.Ofcourse,lockedupinmylittlecozyroom,andengineeringbooks–ANSICProgrammingbyBalagurusamy,B.S.Grewal,HigherEngineeringMathematics,R.K.Gaur,andS.L.Gupta,EngineeringPhysics,AnandandChatwal,InstrumentalMethodsofAnalysis,EnglishtextbookwrittenandpublishedbyoneofmyowncollegeprofessorwhospeaksamazingbutlerEnglish,BhargavGupta,“BasicElectronics&LinearCircuit”,andEngineeringDrawing,alldutifullydisplayedinfrontofme,Iseamlesslyembarkedontheshiptodreamland.

Francewasadreamdestination,withbeautifulclouds,greeneryandwell-litstreets…

TonightIamonthebeautifullylitBateauMouchesailingacrosstheSeine,alone,peacefully,withnooneelseonit.Theboatcruisesacrosstheriver,thesunhurriedlyhidingbehindthebuildings,beforedrenchingmeinthefinalshredsofblack.Againstthemoonlitsky,theConciergerie,theNotreDamedeParis,theMonnaie,theLouvre,Orsay,thePontNeuf,thefloatingrestaurants-allmagicallyapparatedbeforeme.Wow!!Parisismesmersing.IwishIcouldliveinmydreamsforever.

Suddenlymymomshoutsfromoutside,“AreyoustudyingKarthika?”

“Yesmom”

IamurgentlytransportedbackfromtheSeinetomysingleroomhaven-surroundedbythewallbehindme,andbooksontheotherthreesides

Everymorning,Idiligentlystudyonthebus.Afterreachingcollege,Deviwouldquicklyrunmethroughalltheimportanttopics.Andhurray,Ifinishedmyexams–passorfail,Ihadnointensionsofthinkingofresultsjustyet.

“Mom,examsareover.CanyouenrollmefortheFrenchcourse?”

“Scoremorethan80%inyourexams.We’llthinkofit”

Bah!!!80%

Ijustwishamiraclewouldhappensomewhere.

Chapter6:DearOldGrandma!

Myvacationswerealwaysreservedonlytovisitmynativeplace.Momwantedmycompanytovisitherailingmotherwhowasinthecareofmyaunt(incidentallyDivya’smother).

DestinationNagercoil!!

IlovedthetrainridefromChennaiEgmoretoNagercoil.

ItwasmostlyAnathapuriExpress.Myfavoritestations:

1. Kovilpatti–whatbetterstationtogetkovilpattikadalaimittai?

2. ManiyachiJunction–IloveitforthepatrioticfeelthatsurgeswithinmeeverytimeIthinkofthehero!

3. AralvaiMozhi–Beautifulwindmillsasfarastheeyescansee!!Wonderfulfeasttothemind

Butalas!Nagercoilisreached.Thetrainjourneyendsthere.

Thenwetakeanautotomyaunt’splace.

Mygrandmotherwas85yearsold,completelybed-riddenforthepastthreeyears.

Wewouldgothereandtakecareofherforafewdaysduringthevacations.

Shecouldbarelyrememberanyone,notevenherdaughters,leavealoneme.Iusedtotellherstories

narratedto4year-oldchildren.Tearsrolleddownmycheeks.Thereweredayswhenshedidthistouswhenwewerekids.NowIamdoingitforher!!Whataviciouscyclelifetrulyis!

Aheavyoldwomanweighingnearly83kg,shewouldurinateonthecloth-wovencot.Defecationwasthechallenge.Myaunt,momandI,allbeingsmallbuilt,wouldstruggletocarryhertothebathroom.

Thatwasmyonlyroutineduringallsemesterholidays,andIdidnotregretit.

Butpooroldgranny,sherecognizednoneofus.

“GrannydoyouknowwhoIam?”

Shewouldstareatmeforlongandthenstareagainstillharder.Sherememberednothing–notevenherdaughters,leavealonehergranddaughter!

Leavingallthebraverybehind,herewastheincapacitatedJhansiRanisittingbesideme–staringhardatthefloor–forherheadwouldn’tturnmuch.

Therearemanytalesofherheroism–factorfictionIdonotknow!

Attheageof17,shehadrunawayfromherhouse,toevademarriage,shewantedtostudy–andherparentsrelented.

Shehadrefusedtopierceherearswithhugeholesliketheotheruneducatedwomeninhervillage.Wow!!Idon’tknowhowtrulyproudIfeltwhenIheardthis.Shehadfoughtagainstthesocietyandwon!Howhadshe?Idon’tknow.Iwishtoaskher.Onlythatshedoesn’trememberitanymore!MaybeshewasJhansiRaniII,whomIoughttohaveinterviewedwhenshewasinhersenses.

Ihadmissedagoldenopportunity.

Chapter7:IEarnedanEnemyAftersemesterholidays,Iwasawaitingthecommencementofthesecondsemester.Timetomeetfriendsandfoesalike!

Alas!Deviwasnotonmybusanymore.TheyhadchangedthebusroutesandMylaporewasmissed.Lonelinesssunkinagain,

IwenttoCollegeBECSEIIsem,onlytofindthatevenmyclasshadbeenshuffled.Deviwasnotinmyclassanymore.Luckily,neitherwasDivya!!

English,Maths,Physics,Chemistry,DigitalPrinciples,DataStructuresandthesamecycleagainandagainandagain.

IwenttoDevi’sclassforlunch.OtherwiseIwaslonely.Oh,Iadoredit,andImadethemostofthislonelytimetodowhatIusuallylovedoing–writingTamilpoems.

“Nilavae,kaarirulpadarndhavaanathileyeppadinadakkindraithaniyaaga?

Ulagininnalgalaltheyndhalum,eppadivalargindraiveguvaaga?

Unnenjilvazhiyumveerathiley,oruthuliiravalthaaraienakkaga“

[Meaning:

DearMoon,

Howdoyouwalkinthedarknightthroughthesky?

Inspiteofbecomingsmallerfromthepainsoftheworld,howdoyoumanagetoregrowyourself?

Pleaselendmeasmallpartofthatcourageasanoffering.]

Firstsemexamresultswerepublishedandasluckwouldhaveit,Ihadclearedallpapers.Andtoaddcreamtothecake,mytotalwashigherthanDivya’s.Thankgoodness.Icanimaginewhathermotherwouldhavebeentellingherifonlyithadbeentheotherwayround.Ihadactuallygotan86%

“Mom,Frenchclasses”

“Gostudyyourengineeringsubjects.WewilljoinFrenchclassesinafewweeks”

Wow!!Inafewweeks!!Amazing!!

Asusual,Ishutmyselfinmylittleroom,surroundedbymycloseneighbors–books,booksandbooks,andasusual,dreamsgalore!!

WhomamIstaringat?‘LabelleFerronnière’herself!!!Unbelievable!!

WelcometotheLouvre–tothe“PortraitofanUnknownWoman.”

Thesittergazesoutfromadarkalmostblackbackground.Onlyherheadandshouldersareilluminatedbyalightfromthefront,sheisalmostlitbytheviewer’seyes.Herheadturnswithatwistingmotiontoherleftandhereyesalsogazetotheleftcomplementingthesenseofmovementwithinthe

picture.Thefeaturesarewonderfullyproportioned;Leonardohasachievedanastonishingsmoothnessoffinishinthefacialtones.ShewearsaSpanishcostume,popularatthetime,andadecorationofbeadsaroundherneck.Thelowerpartofthefigureisconcealedbyaparapet;thisgivesthesitteralittleextradepth.

IrememberreadingasmalldiscussiononthispaintinginoneofmyFrenchbooks.IsshetrulyamasterpieceoftheVincihimself?orbyoneofhisapprentices?Heylady,wereyouamistressofsomegreatFrenchking–thoughlawfullyweddedtoanironmonger?WereyouinfestedwithSyphilis?

Isshethatstunninglybeautiful?Letmetakeabetterlookforalongerangle.Hmm.Maybesheis,butheyyoumagnificence,whycan’tyousmilealittle?Whysoserious?What’sshroudedbehindthatseverelookofyours?Didthepainteraskyoutolookangry?Hey,saycheesema’am!!

####

Oneday,asIwassittingonthebusbymyself,thinkingofwhatpoemtowritenext,agirlcamesmilingatme,saidhiandsatnexttome.Shewasplump,fair,beautifulandwhatnot?Shedidnot,intheleastlooklikeaSouthIndian.So,toplaysafe,IresortedtospeakinEnglish.

ShesaidshewasAbhinaya,sameyear,ECEdepartment.Herswasthenextstopaftermine,andonfurtherchattingrealizedthatshewasactuallystayingquiteclosetomyplace.

JustforaclarificationIasked,“DoyouunderstandTamil?”andsheburstoutlaughingoutrageously.Ittookawhileforhertocontrolhergigglesbeforeshereplied:“NaanTamildhan!”(IamTamil)

Ifoundanewbusmate.Abhiwouldchatonandonandonendlesslyastheskyaboutabsolutelyanythingandeverything.Well,Iguesssomepeoplearenaturallygiftedwiththisraretalent,whichintrovertslikemecanonlydreamof.

Secondsemester…

OnlywhenIenteredintothesecondsemesteroffirstyearCSEAsectionclassroomdidrealizethatmyclasshadbeenshuffled.

Luckyme!!Divyawasn’tinmyclassanymore,butneitherwasDevi.Thatreallyupsetme.Iwasagaininalienland.

Sameoldclasses,assignments,homeworks,andme,notasinglefriendinmyclass.

Afewpeopleinmyclass:

“Kutty”Meenakshi–sometimescalled‘kutty’or‘meenukutty’or‘kuttymeenu’asperconvenience.(HerrealnamewasMeenakshi,wecalledher‘kutty’asshewasveryshort-maybe4ft.5”).Apersonwitha‘neversaydie’attitude.

Venkatasubramanium:Hewasagoodstudent,spokefluentEnglishandwasDevi’sschoolmate

Kokila:Agirlwhocoulddoanythingsimultaneously,fromsleepingandpayingattentioninclass,toflirtingwith,andditching2-3guyssimultaneously.Yes.Youguessedit

right.Shewasabeautywithbrains.

UmaMaheshwaran:Averymeekboyintheclasswhomeveryoneteased.Buthisstatureandheightwouldmakehimlooklikeagiant,itwasnothingatalltoworryabout!Wefondlycalledhim“Umaaaaaa”.

Therewasatopperinmyclass.Subhashreewashername-asilent,intelligentgirlwhohadanswerstoanyquestionfromanyprofessor.

Inspiteofbeingatopper,shehadnoheadweightandhelpedeveryonegenerously.Ifyouneededanyhelp,youneededonlytoaskSubha,andshewoulddoitforyou.Ifyouwantedtocopyhomework,shewouldshareit.Ityouhadanydoubts,shewouldclarifyit.

Whatawonderfulgirlshewas!

Shewasassilentasthegrave,ascalmasthedepthsofthesea.Wow!!Iadmiredheralot.Iwouldn’ttalkmuchtoherthough.

Oneday,Mrs.SmithawalkedintomyclassandaskedfornominationsforChessmatchesduringtheculturals.Iwantedtogivemynamein,butIdidn’t.Iwasanywaygoingtolose.Whygoandinsultmyself?Ileftthemattertorest.

IknewengineeringandanITjobwasbeyondmybrain

Istartedwritingshortstoriesandnovelswhenmyparentswerenotnoticing.Iwroteformypleasure,toerasethepainofcomparingmyselfwiththeworld,andconcludingthatIamundoubtedlyoneofthebiggestfailuresthateverwalkedonearth.Ididnotwritedownmypainofbeingthe‘everybody’,Iwroteencouragingwords;words

thatmademeforgetmyagonyandhelpedmelookbeyondtheworld–deepintomydreams.

Itreasuredthem.Iknewtheywereonlystories,buteverytimeIread,itbroughtasmileonmyface–notwiththefeelthatIhadwrittenmyfirstshortstory,butreadingitmademeforgetmyworries.Ifeltlikethehappiestfreebirdintheworld,withoutacare,exploringtheskieswithoutanyfear!!Iwasdoingsomethingdifferentfromwhatthecrowdisdoing.ThethoughtmademefeellikeGod.

Oneday,Iwasinahurrytocatchmybus,so,IpolitelyrequestedSubhatogetaprintoutforme,asshewasahosteller.OMG!!Shebluntlyrefusedgivingsomelameexcuses.Iwasshocked.Sheneverspokethatwaytoanyone.

Thenanotherdayscholarcameandrequestedthesametoher,andrightinfrontofme,shepolitelyaccepted!

Ididn’tunderstandwhyshedetestedme.Ihadneverspokentoherbefore.IhadneverhurtherasfarasIknew.Thenwhywassherudetome?DespicableMe!!

Toaddfueltotheflame,sherepliedtomeinBrahmindialect.Idonotknowwhyshehatedme.But,Idefinitelyfoundareasontodespiseher.

Onceagain,afteraweek’stime,again,Mrs.Smithacametoclassbeggingpeopletojoinin.Thistime,Ithought,“Fine,ifnooneelseisgoing,letsgiveitatry”.AndIenrolledmyselfforthematch.

Weeksbecamemonths…Asemesterpassedby,stillno

updatesonmyFrench.EverytimeIaskedmymom,shewouldsay,“Oh,IwillallowyoutojoinFrenchclassesnextsemester.That’sapromise”.

Chapter8:TheWheelTurns

Thus,anothersemesterpassedbyuneventfully.ExamtimeswithDevihelpingmeandthesemesterholidayswerespentatNagercoil,mynative,withmygrandmother.

Bang!!ThethirdsemesterwasgoingtostartandIdreadedtogetbacktoacollegethatmademefeelterriblybored.

Startofanewsemester.Nonewdreams.Onlydreads.Imadenoeffortstomakefriends,andeffortlessly,Ialreadyhadthebeststudentforanenemy!

Horriblethough,nonetheless,tocollegeIwent.

Asusual,thebusreachedlateatcollege.Thenexttoughtask,wasfindingtheclassroom.Ifinallyfoundthatunfortunatedungeon,fullofdirtydeskswithseatsattached,andateacher’sdesk.Mindit;ourcollegeteachersdidnothavetheluxuryofachair.Thecollegemanagementfounditunnecessaryforteacherstositandteach,butwhydoesahumanbeingnotrealizethatapersoncannotgoonstandingfor50minswithoutabreak?Whatifthatteacherhastwoclassesbacktoback?Wouldtheybestandingfor1hour40mins?Yestheyobviouslyshould.Heartlessandpatheticindeed!

Backtothethirdsemester,allthegirls’seatsweretaken,andonlythefirstrowoftheboys’benchwasleft.AlreadyIdidnothavefriends.Toaddtoit,now,Idonotevenhaveaplaceintheclass.Iwasstandingatthedoorway,

feelinghopeless,onthevergeoftears!

Subhashreeenteredjustthen.Ithought:“Oh,herfriendswouldhavereservedaseatforher.Sheisgoingtolaughatmetoday”.Iwastotallyfrustrated,when,suddenly,Subhaturnedtomeandsaid:“Hey,shallwebothsitinthefirstrowontheboys’side?”

Istoodthere,notknowingwhattoreply.Iwasdumbstruck!

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????Whatdidshejustaskme?Shealreadyhatesme,andnowwhydoesshewanttositwithher?Toinsultmefurthermaybe,byshowingothersthatshewaswaytoointelligentforme?

AsIwasthuslostinthought,sheshookmebacktoreality,“Hello.Whatsay?Anyway,thereisnootherseatthatwecantake.Allothergirls’seatsareoccupied.ButIwillsitonthesidetotheboys.Yousitinthemiddle.”

Ithought,‘Ok.Letmesitintheothercorneroftheseat.IfIamabletoexchangeseatswithanyone,Iwilldoit.Ofcourse,Subhaisawonderfulgirl.Whowouldn’twanttositnexttoherafterall?’

Shalini,anotherhostellercameandjoinedusonourseat.Iwasabouttoaskhertogetin,when,tomyastonishment,Subhapulledmetoher,showingthevacantplacetoShalini,whilehavingacasualchatwithher.

Now,whatwashappening?Ibegantogetnervous.

Duringthebreak,IusuallyvisitDevi.Iwasgettingreadytoleave,whenSubhaaskedme,“Doyouhaveanyworkduringthebreak?”

Nervousenough,“No”,Iblabbered

“Thencomewithme.Iwanttomeetoursecondsemprofessorsandtellmyscorestothem”

Idutifullyfollowedhertothestaffroom.Now,wasshetryingtogetfriendlywithme?Orwasshetryingtoshowoffthatherfrontallobewasdoingabetterjobthanmine?Idon’tknow.Butitjustdidn’tlooklikeshewastryingtofoolme…..

Chapter9:TheChessTournament

TheD-Dayforthechesstournamentultimatelyarrived.Onasunnyday,Itookapublictransportbustocollege,andwaswaitingintheindoorsportsauditoriumforhalfanhour.Nooneturnedup.

Iwalkedupanddown,satinthepavilion,andwaited,waitedandwaited.Whenallpatiencegaveway,Ipickedupmybagtodashfortheexit,whenMrs.Smithacamerunningin.“Karthika,youaretheonlypersonwehavefromCSEdepartment.Weneedateam–threemoregirlsareneeded.Pleasegoovertothehostelandfindafewmoreplayers.”

Iwasshocked.Evenmoreshockingwasthenextrevelation:

“It’sokeveniftheydonotknowtoplaythegame.Wecanteachthem”

Amazingindeed!!Andlookwhotheyarecallingintoteachchess!Someonewhoknowsnothingmorethandirectionsonthechessboard.

Idutifullywenttothehostel,ranaroundforCSEgirls(whoknewnothingmorethanthename“Chess”),andcaughtholdof4girlswithgreatdifficulty.Oh,Ihadabiggerteamthanwasrequired.

Themovesweretaughtandthegamebegan.

Iwon,andtherestofthemlost.Funnythough..Don’taskmewhatIplayed.Iwon.That’sprettymuchit.

TeamCSE–ladiesteamlost.

Mrs.Smithawasveryupset.Shecametomesaying,“Eventheboysteamlost”

Iwassurprised.Ididn’tknowthata“Boy’sTeam”existed.

Onmywayhome,IsawPraveenRaja(myclassmate–atall,thin,silentfellow)inthecamproadbusstand.Maybehetoocameforthechessmatch.Isheachessplayer?Doesheplaychess?Idon’tknow.IwishIcouldtalktohim.ButIcouldnotmusterthegutstodothat.

Well,Iguesshelookedhandsometome.Icouldn’tstopwatchinghim.ButIsomehow,just,couldn’tgoandsay“Hi”

Chapter10:My‘girl’friend

Well,whatmorecanIsay?Subhashree..Thebeautifulangelturnedmylife360°.Imagine,thebestgirlinthewholeclasswasmybestfriend!

And,fortherecords,wehadsattogetheronthatsinglebenchontheguys’side,everysemesterthereafter!

Wespenttimetogetherchattingaboutfamily,life,past,present,future,ambitionsandwhatnot!

HerfatherwasworkinginAbuDhabiasaMechanicalEngineer.ShehadayoungerbrotherwhowasdoinghisEngineeringinSasthaEngineeringCollege,TamilNadu.Hewasalsoatopperjustlikeher,Iguess.

SherentedahouseinAmbattur(closetomycollege),andstayedalongwithhermother.

Shehadbeenatopperallherlife.Andheresheis,hangingoutwithaloser!!

Iwasallsoexcited.Iusedtovisitherhouseoftenduringweek-ends,tellingmyparentsthatIwasgoingtodocombinedstudieswithher.Subha’smomwasasfriendlyasshewas.Canyouimaginethat?

Wewenttomoviestogether,roamedaroundonherbike,ateoutandthenwentbackhome.

Else,wesatbackinherhouse,chattingwithanyotherbatchmateswhocameonlineonYahoomessenger,orwatchedTVtogether,orsheusedtoentertainusonherVeena–shewasatrainedCarnaticsinger,andVeenaplayer!

Atcollege,“officially”,talkingtoguyswasatabooandwasstrictlyforbidden.ButSubha,nevergaverulesadamn.Shewouldspeaktoanyandeveryguyshedevelopedacrushon,andthen,shewouldtellmehowwonderfulBalajiPrasadwas,whatManisays,howSaranyacheatedMadhuvanth,soonandsoforth.Theywereallinterestingstories.Trustme,ifanyoneelsehadspokensuchthingstome,Iwouldhavesimplyshuttheconversationsaying:“Pleasedon’tgossiptome.Idon’tlikeitandIhavebetterthingstodo”.ButwithSubha,Iseemedtoenjoygossipingforonceinmylife.

“Ialwayswantedtobeadoctor.Ihadbeenatopperallalong,andnotonceinmylifedidIeverdreamthatIwouldbeinthiscollege,studyingcomputers.”

Tearsrolleddownhercheeks

“ItsokSubha,pastispast.Wecan’tchangeit.Let’sputitbehindus”

“DoyouknowhowmuchithurtswhenIseeanameplatesaying,‘Dr.XYZ,MBBS,MDsomethingsomething?’you’llneverknowthepain”

“MaybeIwon’t.Buthadyoubecomeadoctor,Iwouldn’thavemetyou.So,Iguessit’sbetteryoubecameanengineer”,andIwinkedaneyeather.

“Maybeyes”.Shesmiled,andputherheadonmyshoulders.

Inspiteofallthis,shewasalwaysverycheerful.ShewouldalwaysmotivatemesayingonedayIwouldgettolearnFrenchandthatIwoulddefinitelyspeakfluent

French.

WhenthethoughtofFrenchpiercedmyheart,Iwouldinvoluntarilyrestmyheadonhershoulder,anindescribablesuccor.

Shewasonewomanforwhom,Iwouldhavedoneanything.Shemademefeelaliveandawesomein-spiteofallthehardshipslifesoheartlesslyimposedonmankind.Shewasonespellthatdroveawayallthenegativespiritsthatsurroundedme.Herpresencegavemetheconfidencetoconqueralmostanythingonearth,doyouknowwhy?Sheencouragedmelikenooneelse.

“Youcanalwaysbewhatyouwanttobe.Itsallinyourmind.Bepatientanditwilldefinitelyhappenoneday”.

Shemademebelieveinmyself.Shemademerealizethatallmydreamswereachievable,onlythatIhadtoputintherightamountofeffortanddesire.Yes.Thatwasthetruemagicshecreatedinmylife.Thegoddesswhobestowedtheboonofself-confidenceonme.IbeganlookingatBrahminsdifferently.IwillnotsaythateveryBrahminislikeSubha,butdefinitely,SubhaisnotoneamongthosemanyBrahminswhomockedatmeinschool.

Shalinisilentlyexistednexttous,butweseldombotheredher,andshewasalmostalwayslostinherowndreamworld–forshehadaboyfriend,somewhereinhernative,waitingforher.

Whenclasseswereboring,Subha,ShaliniandIquietlyplayedalotofgames,sittinginthefirstrow,rightundertheteacher’snose

Everysemester,athome,myscoreswerecomparedwithfourothers:Subhashree,Devi,asonofmymom’scolleague(notmycollege)andofcourse,undoubtedly,Divya

1. Subhaalwaysscoredmorethanme–withoutapinchofdoubt,noissues.Ididn’tbotherwhosaidwhat.Iwashappyforher.Shewasmybestfriendafterall

2. Devi,alsoscoredmorethanmealways–closefriendofmine–veryhappyforheragain

3. SonofMom’scolleague–thiswastherealtug-of-war,becausesometimeshewouldscoremorethanme,andsometimesIwould.Whowonandlostthematch,byhowmanymarks,andinwhichsubjectswasatopicofimportantdiscussioninmymom’sstaffroom.Hence,itwasamatterofslightirritationwhenIlost,andmymommadeabigfussaboutit.

4. Divya–Idreadedthiscomparison,though,thankfullyalltheeightsemesters,Iscoredmorethanher!ThankHeavens!!Else,amsuremymomwouldhavebroughtdownthehouse!

Chapter11:ThisisHeavenonEarth!

SittingwithSubhabesidemewasthebestplaceintheworld.

DataStructuresclasseswasgoingon.Nevermindwhattheteacher,Mrs.Usha,taught,forsheseldomtaught.Whatshespokewasbeyondourunderstanding.Whethershemeantherselftobeunderstoodornotwasaquestionnoonebotheredtoponder.

Butshewasstrictandwouldquestionusonwhatevershetaughtthepreviousday.Notabigdeal.Ifyouknowtheanswer,sayitandsit.Elseyougettostandtheentireperiodandthequestionpasseson.NothingmuchIdaresay.Maybeimpositiononceortwice.

Thequestionswereusuallytargetedattheback-benchers.SoVenkatwouldreligiouslycomeandoccupythefirstbench.

Mostlyhewouldbetheonlypersonsittingontheentirebench,butthefunwaswatchinghimsleepinthemiddleofaseriousDataStructuressession.Ushawouldbestandingthere,watchingoutforstudentswhowerenotlistening(particularlythelastbench),andfrommyplace,allyouneedtodoisturntoyourleft,andtherewouldbeoneguy,sittingrightundertheteacher’snose–sleepinglikethehappiestmanwithoutaworryintheworld!Goodforhimheneversnored.

Ifthatjustwasn’tfunnyenough,turntotheright.Thefirstrowgirls–Kokila,KuttyandAishwaryaaresuretokeepyouengagedandamused.Theseatingarrangementisthus:

Kokila–Kutty–Aish.

KokilaandAishuwouldbetalkingtoalmostalwaysandKuttyMeenuwouldbeseriouslytakingnotes.Ohyeah,shewashavingapeninherhandpointedathernotebook.Theotherhandwasagainsthercheek,coveringhereyes.Well,technicallyyouneverknewwhethershewastakingnotesorsleeping.Youhadtotakeaverycloselookathersmalleyestorecognizethedifference.

Atmydesk,itwasacombinationofeverything.SubhaandShaliniwerestudious.Unfortunately,becauseofthesetwobookworms,professorsautomaticallythoughtIwasascholarlytoo,well,thatwasanimageImadeeffortsneithertocreate,nortomaintain.

Whenteachersweren’tlooking,wewouldplayallkindsofgamesfromAntaksharitoDumb-charadestopassingchitsfromboys’benchestogirls’benchesandvice-versa.The‘naughty-Subha’wastheonewhointroducedustothisentirefun,mindit,thetopperandtheleaderofallmischief!

Inthemiddleoftheclass,someguyfromthelastbenchstartswhistling.WhenUshaturned,thewhistlingstoppedabruptly.Thenshecontinuedwithherclass,andafteraconsiderablepause,thewhistlingcontinued.Theclassthencametoastand-stillasshehasstopped

teaching.Shehadtofindoutthefelon!

Sheaskedpolitelyatfirst.Noresponse.ThenshetriedthreateningtheclasssayingshewouldreporttheincidenttotheChairman(implicatingallofus),ifwedidn’tgiveuptheculprit.Nowcollegelifewasgettingtobefun.Thelecturingchangestopicfromsubjectmattertorespectingteachersandbehavingoneselfinclass.Wellthelattertopicfeltmuchbettertocomprehendthantheformerandweenjoyedit,thankstothatunknownguywhohadwhistled.

SubhaandIstartedwhispering.

“Karthika,readthis”

“What’sit?”

“SomethinginFrench.Youtellmewhatitis.”

ShehadseensomeFrenchwordsandthebackofsomepackageandshewantedmetotranslatethemforher.AsIwasdoingso,unconsciouslytearsbathedmycheeks.Myvoiceandhandshadbeguntoshake.Iwaslosingcontrol.Shenoticeditandstartedstrokingmyheadwithmotherlywarmth,andInestledmyheadonhershoulders,closingmyeyes,andforgettingtheworldforamoment.

“Sorry,Ithoughtyouwilllikeit”

“Iamnotableto”

Chapter12:Murphy’sLaw!–MissionTCS

Semesteraftersemester,lifethuspassed–sorrow,comparisonandpain,friendshipandcompassion.

Third,fourth,fifthandsixthsemspassedwithmybosomSubhabesidemethroughtroughsandburrows.

Placementswouldberacingtowardsusintheseventhandeightsemesters.Anyonewithnomorethantwostandingarrearswaspermittedtoattendtheplacements,andonceplaced,youcannottryforanothercompany,evenifitwasyourdreamdestination.

So,sixthsemestersawtoughandrigorouspreparationsforplacements.Anorganizationcalled‘BlueLotus’cameovertotrainandhoneourinter-personalskills.Saturdayswerefun.Theydidn’ttrainusinAptitudeorTechnical,itwaspurelyinter-personalsskills.Now,anyonewhohadattendedjobinterviews,andwhoknowsthatanyinterviewhasthreesections–Aptitude,TechnicalandHR,woulddefinitelyknowthatthistrainingisacompletetomfooleryandnon-sense,nonethelessweenjoyedit,becausewegottominglewiththegroup,crackjokes,makefunwhensomeoneblundered,andfunnypunishmentsweremetedouttothem.Whetherwepreparedfortheplacementsornot,wewereclearlyenjoyingourselves.

MyCVwaswrittenupforthefirsttimeinmylife.Everyonewasmandatedtohaveamini-projectonit.

DeviandIjoinedwithEileen,andwecookedupthe“LibraryManagement”Project.Nowasthenamesuggests,obviously,itisgoingtoholdnamesofbooksandauthors,taggedagainstnamesofstudentswhohadborrowedthem.Ihadabsolutelynoideaabouttheprojectmorethanthis.Ionlyhopedthatnoonequestionedmeonthisattheinterviews.

Bang…Thedayofplacementsarrived.

Awholeauditoriumpackedwithratsfromallstreamsanddepartments–atleastsome2000oddones–allscurryingforoneplace,justonesmallplace,inamulti-nationalblue-chipITCompany.

Theprocedurewasthusforanycompany:

First,wewouldhavethecompanycultureandpoliciesintroducedtousbytheHRforsome2-3hours,andthentheonlineAptitudetest,thosewhoclearedit-wentforTechnicalround,andthefinalroundwasHR

ThefirstcompanywasTCS:3hourintro,onehourofAptitude,whichIclearedveryeasily.Nextwasmymuchfearedround–Technical.Iwasverybadtechnically(everyonewasjustasbadasIwas,butfranklyspeakingIdisplayedfearonmyfacemoreandthatwasmydoom).Ididn’tknowanythingaboutthemini-project.

Iwishedthattheinterviewerwouldsomehowmissthemini-projectsection.Buttomygreatestdismay,thatwastheonethatcaughthisattentionfirst.

Anarrayofquestionsfollowed:

Whatisthedatabaseyouused?Database..eheh..wedidn’tuseadatabase

Thenhowdoyoustorethedataofbooksandstudents?Ohthereisatextboxinwhichweneedtoenterdetails

Youenterdetails.Wheredoesitgetstored?Stored?Nowhere.

Ohok!!So,youdidthisproject,oryougotitfromsomeone?Ididitmyself,withtwootherfriends,justthatIwasn’thandlingthedatabasepart.

Oh..

IknowIlostmyjobwithTCSbecauseofthesedumbreplies,andIdidnotknowtherightanswerseither.

StatusafterDay1Placementsforcomparisonathome:

1. Subhashree–Placed2. Devi–NotPlaced3. Karthika–NotPlaced4. Divya–Placed

ThefactthatDivyahadbeenselectedwasenoughtoripmeintopiecesathome.

Iwentintothewashroomandshutmyselfforhours.Iwascryinguncontrollablynotknowingwhattodonext.Iwasafailure.Ihadn’tgotajob.IwasnowhereclosetolearningFrench.Mydreamofacareerasawriterwasgettingnobetter..

ThenextcompanywasWipro,andIwassurethatIwasgoingtodothesameblunder.Mylifewasdoomed.

Scoldingsinprogress:….

“Youaren’tgoingtolandyourselfajobwhenallmyfellowbatch-mateswouldbeearningtheirlivelihood.YouareundoubtedlygoingtobethebiggestfailureonEarth.Sisterofadoctor/topper,daughteroftworespectedprofessorswasafit-for-nothinggirl.Whatashameonthefamily!”

Well,mymomhadscreamedatmeacoupleoftimesalready,andshewasflingingswearwordsacrossthebathroomdoor.Timeformetowipemytears,washmyface,clearmynose,checkifmyeyeslookedred,andwalkoutascoolandcomposedaspossible.Iwasmadandpossessed.Ididn’tknowwhatIwasdoing.Ijusthadtosomethingaboutmylife.“WhatifnotanITprofessional?Iamgoingtobeawriter.ITindustryisn’tmyworld,thisis!!Livewhereyouarelovedanddowhatyouenjoy”Itoldmyself.

Iwentonline,Googledforallkindsofshortstoryandnovellacontests,anduploadedmystory.Iwaitedforafewdays.Asdayssped,Igotnoresponse,andeventuallyforgotthatIhadevensubmittedany.

Chapter13:Apocalypse

AweekaftertheTCSdisastergrandmapassedaway.Iwasnotinapositiontoattendthefuneral.YoucouldtakeitthatIwaspreparingformynextinterview,orthatIwastooashamedtofacemyrelatives.Eitherway,itwouldstillbethetruth.

WhenIwentforWiproplacement,Iwasshakingfromtoptotoe.Istilldidnotknowanythingaboutthefrontendorbackendofmyproject,nordidIknowtowriteevenonesinglelineofcodeifaskedto.Yet,itwasstillthereonmyCV.Iwassurethejobwaslost,andlostitwas.IwassonervousthatIcouldnotanswereventhequestionsIknewverywell.Theintervieweraskedmetodrinkwatertwice.Lol..Thenheaskedmetowritecodefrommymini-project,andIwasalmosttotears.

LatestDevelopment:Devi–PlacedKarthika–NotPlaced

ThatdayIcriedsohard.Ihadnogutstofacemyparents.

Iwasatthereceivingend,notknowingwhattodo.Allhellbrokelooseathome.“Iknewyouwerefitfornothing”“SeeDivyaknowsherparents’financialposition,andfoundherselfajobfirstday.Lookatyou.Uselesstothecore”“YouarenotfitfortheITindustry.Youbetterbecomeateacherorprepareforsomeentranceexamsnextyear”

“Doyouhaveanyseriousplansforyourfuture?”Me:“Yes.Syntelisthenextcompany.Iampreparing”“LeaveIT.Youcan’tsucceedanymore.Thinkofsomethingelse.Whatashame.EveryonewouldhavegottoknowbynowthatDivyahasajobandyoudon’t”“WhatwillIsayifmycolleaguesask?”“Whatashame.Whatwillothersthinkofyou?”“Bothofus(parents)willretireinafewyears.Whatwillyoudoforyourbreadandbutter?Wecan’tbefeedingyoulifelong”“4Lcollegefeesiswaste.YoushouldhavestudiedBAorBScandbecomesometeacherinsomesmallcollege”

OMG!!Thetorturewasendless.Itmademeextremelytraumatized.

Icouldhaverepliedbacksaying,“DidIaskanyofthis?Ihatedcomputers.DidIevenaskyoutogetmeintocomputerscienceengineering?YoucouldhaveratherallowedmetostudyFrenchorPhysics.”

However,havingbeendutifulbrought-upintheinstitutionalizedmentality,IrealizedthatIwasindeedputtingmyparentstoshameandIwassolelyresponsibleforeverythinghappeningaroundme.

Oneneverknowswhatonedoeswhenoneisfrustrated.

Imadeupmymindonceandforall.Iwasnotgoingtobecomeasoftwareengineerafterall.Iwasdestinedtobeawriter,anaccomplishedwriter.ThatwaswhatIwasgoingtobecome!!

Ireadmystoriesagainandagain.Ilovedthemall.Iwasnomoreinthisworld.Iwasinanotherworld,wherenoonecouldtouchme,wherenoonecouldcompareme,

wherenoonecouldannoyme.Itfeltamazingtobedifferent.Itfeltawesomeintheworldofbooks,butwhycouldn’tanyoneelseenjoymyworld?Maybemyworldwascreatedjustforme.

AllthecommotionaroundmebroughtmebacktoPlanetEarth!Evenmymindstartedscoldingme:“Oneyeardownthelane,youwillbewithoutajob,noincome,standinginthemiddleoftheroad,mockedbyfriendsandrelativesalike,parentsletdown,aslonelyloser.Ok.Soanywayyouareworthless.Let’scontemplateonhowbestyoucancommitsuicide.Adupattafromthefanormaybejumpfromterrace,somepoisonfromsomewhere?Well,thetruthis,thoughthethoughtofashamefulfuturetauntsyou,youdon’thavethecouragetocommitsuicide.Thethoughtofapainfuldeathsendsshiversdownyourspine.Youhavethecourageneithertofacelife,nordeath.Howineptofyouindeed!”

AndthenIforgotallaboutmybraintellingmeofbeingpre-destinedtobeawriter.

Nonetheless,forSyntel,Iprepared.Iwasnotgoingtoletanyone’ssmalltalkdeterme.IwasgettingajobintoITindustry.Definitely,therewassomuchmoretodo,thandieurgently.

Collegereopenedforseventhsem.EvenAbhinayahadgotplacedinTCS,BalajiSrinivasanandVenkatinWipro.Iwasn’tbravetofacemyclassmatesincollege.Buteveryonewasunbelievablysupportivethere.ThedayIwenttocollege,allmyfriendsaskedmewhy“I”hadn’tmadeitintoTCSorWipro.Iwaslostforwordsandwouldhavecriedanymoment.But,everyonewasextremelycompassionateandencouragedmelikeneverbefore.

Twoofmyclassmates(DineshandAnanth–bothplacedinTCS)conductedamocktechnicalroundforme.Itoldthem,technicalismyweakestpointandthatIwasabigzerowhenitcametocoding.

Herewastheirreviewandadvice:1. Whenyoutalkweareclearlyabletoseetension

andfear.Justberelaxedandanswerquestions2. Ifyouknowtheanswerssayit.Ifyoudon’tknow,

don’tgettensed.Politelytellthemthatyoudon’tknowyetyouwerereadytolearnfromthem

3. Noneofusansweredallthequestionsoftheinterviewers,sothat’snotthekey.Controlyourtension.That’swhereyoulose.

NowIseriouslystartedroot-causeanalysis,determinedthatIwillgetthroughSyntel.Iknewfearoffailurewasmybiggestproblem.Fearoffailureduetolackofknowledgeonmymini-project.Ihadtogetajob.Iwasn’tlosingagain.Notthistime!!

Withoutanotherthought,Iremovedthemini-projectfrommyCV.But,everybodyelsewillhaveoneintheirs.WhatwouldIdoiftheinterviewerasked?Iwaspreparedtofaceanythingotherthanthatproject.Iftheyaskedanything,Iwouldsimplysay,Ihadn’tdoneone.IfIagainlosemyjobbecauseofthat,letmere-inventagainwastheplan

Chapter14:TheBigDay

ItwasthedayofSyntelplacements.Ihadtodoitthistimenomatterwhat.

Thecompanyintrowentfortwohours.TheAptitudeTestwasacakewalk.Itwas90%Englishgrammar-basedquestionswhichIfinishedinlessthan15minsasagainstthe2hoursallocated.

Somethingdeepwithinmekepttellingmethatthiswasgoingtobemyday.

Thencameanewround:EssayWriting.Thetopicgiventomewas:“TheNeedforEducation”.

OhEnglishwasoneofmyfavorites.Essay-writingwasanothereasytaskforme.Ikepttellingmyself:“Karthika,ifyouclearthetechnicalround,youwilldefinitelygetplacedinSyntel.HRroundisnothing”

Thenextwasthemuchawaitedtechnicalround.Theintervieweraskedmealotofquestions,60%ofwhichIansweredright.HeevenaskedmewhyIhadn’tdoneamini-projectwhileeveryoneelsehadoneontheirCV.IsimplysmiledandsaidIhadn’tdoneone;)andheaskedmenomoreonthat.NomatterwhatIanswered,Iwasdeterminedtobeconfident,nothingmore,nothingless.

Finally,wecametotheendofthetechnicalround.Theintervieweraskedme:“Doyouhaveanyquestionsformeotherthanwhetheryouareselectedornot?”

Ismiledandreplied,“No”

“Alright.Thenpleasewaitoutsideforyourturn”

AssoonasIcameoutofmytechround,IwasaskedtowaitformyHRround!!!Wow!!Ihaddoneit

Afteralmost15-20mins,myHRroundhappened.Aseriesofdumbquestionsensued,andfinallyhesaid,“Youareselected”.

IcalledandinformedmyparentsoncetheHRroundwasover.

Butofcourse,Ihadtowaittilleveryonewasinterviewedandtheofficialstatementwasmade

Mytacticsofremovingthemini-projecthadpayed-offandIsilencedallmyvaluedcritics.Itoohadanofferletterinhand.

Parentswereveryhappyforme.Thereweresweetsallaroundthehouse.SuddenlytheyweresayingthatIwasfarknowledgeablethanDivya,thatIwasveryspecial,thatGodhadspecialplansformeinlife,etc,etc.Ionlywishtheyhadsupportedmebetterincrisis,butwishesareonlytobewished,nothingmore.

Chapter15:Finally,wemingle

Itwaseightsemester.Mostoftheclasswasplacedinsomecompanyortheother,andtheremaininghadbetterplansfortheirlives.Butforafewfriendswhostilldidnotknow“Whatnext?”inlife,everythingwasfine.

Beinginthefinalsemester,wedidnotallowprofessorstotakeclassesforus.MrsSmithausedtoconductgameshowsinourclass–BalajiPrasadwastheco-ordinator.Crosswordpuzzles,guesstheperson,sometechnicalpuzzles,etc.Itwasfun.

Otherprofessorssimplyaskedallofus,tocomeforwardandshareourexperiencesduringthelastsevensemesters.Westartedgettingtoknoweachother.Wehadn’tmingledinthelastsevensemesters,italmostfeltlikeitwasthefirsttimewegottoknowtheguysinourclass.3.5yearswehadlivedwithpeoplewhomweseldomknew.

Thesedaysneitherthespiesnorprofessorsbotheredwhichguywasflirtingwithwhichgirlorwhowasn’twearingidentitycard.Anyonewhowasblunderingagainstthecollegeconstitutionwasmagnanimouslyforgiven.Wow!!Beinginfinalyeardefinitelyhaditsownshareofadvantages.

Duringthesegames,wewerefortunatelyforcedtominglewiththeboys.OnefineMarchmorning,Mrs.Smithaasked,“HeytheGATEresultshavecomeout.

Hasanyonewrittentheexam?”

PraveenRaja,fromthelastrow,stoodupandsaid,“Madam,Igota92percentile”.

Wow!!Ireallythoughtitwasawow.IamsureifIhadwritten,Iwouldn’thavegotmorethan30%.Iwantedtofindouthowhehadprepared.IamnotsureifIwasinterestedtoprepareforGATE.Ijustwantedtoknowhowpeoplewhowin,winitanyway.

Iwasweighingmyoptionsastohowtoapproachhim,Icouldnottalktohimincollege,no,definitelynot!Ididn’thavehismobilenumber.EvenifIhad,IdoubtifIhadthecouragetocallandspeaktoaguy!

Icouldsendaformalnoteonemail!

Ispentalmosthalfanhoursearchingthroughtheyahoogroupcontacts..Eureka!!Thereitwas

IsenthimamailsayingIcongratulatedhimonhisscore,andwantedtoknowhowtoprepareasIwasplanningtodosomyself.

Almostinstantaneouslyhereplied,“Hi,itwasnothing.Ididn’tprepareatall.Isimplywentandwrotethetest”

Iwasabouttoreply,whenanotificationpoppeduponYahooMessenger-Ihadafriendrequest–fromPraveenRaja

Iwassimultaneouslycheckingfrequentlyforanyresponsesfromtheshortstorycompetitions,nonewhatsoever.

Allsitesacknowledgedmyparticipation,fewrepliedthat

theywouldgetback;somesaidIwaslong-listedandafewsaidmyworkwasshort-listed.But,Iwonnone.

MaybeIwasreallynotfitforanything.MaybeIwon’tbegoodenoughtostudyFrencheither.MaybeIwasanall-roundfailure.

IdonothavetherighttochoosewhatIwantinmylife,evenifwechoose,successisprobablyunattainable.Maybetheonlythingonlytofree-willisdeath.Unfortunately,eventhoseattemptsarenotalwayssuccessful.

Chapter16:A‘girl’friendanda‘boy’friend

EverydayIwouldreachhomeby5:30PM.Whatotherbetterjobthanchatwithaguy?!!

Praveen’sYahooMessengerNamewasKimiPraveen.Ohyes.Hewasadie-hardfanofKimiRaikkonen.

AssoonasIopenmyYahooMessenger,therewilldefinitelybeamessagewaitingreadyformetoread..

@KimiPraveen:Whatplansfortoday?

@Me:Nothing.JustChattingwithyou

Andwekeptchatting,chattingandchattingthroughthedays….

HewouldtellmeloadsandloadsofstoriesaboutRaikkoneninthedeadofthenight,andIwouldbesittingandchatting,notrealizingtheclockwastickingaway.

Wetalkedaboutcollege,ourschooldays,ourteachers,ourfamilies,well,almostanything.Wejusthadtotalk.

HisfatherworkedattheIndianRailways,andtheystayedintheKodambakkamRailwayQuarters,hismotherwasahousewife,hissister,Cetlin,wasasoftwareengineer,marriedandhadakid.

Hewasalwaysthereonyahoomessenger.WheneverIloggedinhewouldbeavailable.Praveenlivedand

breathedtheMessenger!!

Hewouldexplain:“Oh,Iamjobless.Ialwayskeepsurfingthenet,alwaysthereonYahooMessengerandOrkut.Whatotherbetterbusiness;)”

IalsofoundoutthatPraveenwasachessplayer,anaccomplishedchessplayer.Hehadwonseveralinter-collegiatematches.Thenhowcomehehaslostintheinter-departmentalmatches?“Over-confidence”hereplied.

ItoldhimofhowIhadseenhimatthebusstandontheotherday.

Hereplied:“Oh.Itoosawyou.Itoodidn’tknowhowtocomeoverandtalktoagirlIhadneverspokentobefore,thattooinapublicplace.So,Ididn’t”

Afterthat,everyotherday,weplayedonChess.com

Praveenplayedamazingly.Hewoulddefeatmeinlessthan10mins.Seeingmydeplorableposition,hetaughtmefromtheEnglishopening,theKingsIndianDefense,Larsen’sOpening,LatvianGambit,NapoleonOpening,RuyLopezOpening,nameit,andheknewit.Ienjoyedeverybitofthetimespentonthelearning.

Webunkedcollegeandwentoutformovies.–Anjathe,‘Saroja’,‘AbhiyumNaanum’.

Duringtheintervalof‘Anjathe’movie,Praveensoftlyandsuddenlytookmylefthandinhis.Ithoughtprobablyhewasdisturbedaboutsomething,andthoughtofsoothinghim.Islowlyandcomfortinglyplacedmyrighthandabovehis,tryingtogiveareassuringtouch,whensuddenly,hetookbothmyhandsinhis,andsaid,“Nomatterwhathappens,Iwillneverleaveyou.Icannotlive

withoutyouanymore.Youareeverything.Youmeantheworldtome.Lifewithoutyouisimpossible.IknowthatIamaChristianandyouareaHindu.Iwillconvincemyparentsnomatterwhat.Ifneeded,Iwillconvinceyourparentstoo.IloveyouKarthika.Willyoumarryme?”

Icouldnotsayanything.Iwantedtosaysomanythings,butwordsfailedme,Iwantedtosay,“PraveenIloveyoutoo,justasmuchasyouloveme”,butIcouldn’t.Notknowingwhattodo,Iallowedmyheadtorestagainsthischestforawhile.Timeflew;Idon’tknowhowlong,Idon’twanttoknowhowlong.Idon’tknowhowmanypeoplesaworhowmanypeoplewatched.Itdidnotmatteratthatmoment.

Ihaveafriendwhoisbesidemenomatterwhat,aboyfriendwhowoulddoanythingforme,andIhavesecuredajob.Dreamssoaredup.IwasgoingtoearnmyownmoneyandstartstudyingFrenchonmyown.SyntelhadsaidtrainingwoulddefinitelybeinPune.IwouldgothereandstudyFrenchwithouthavingtoaskforparents’permission.IwasgoingtomasterFrenchlikenooneelse,IwouldvisitFrance,findajobthere,

Somewherewithinmyhead,Red1remindedmethat:

“Youshouldn’tbedoingthistoyourself.Thisisjustshittypipedreams.Franceiswayupthereandyou’reinhere…andthat’sthewayitis”

Chapter17:PunePlans

Therehadbeenaspecialjobdrivefordreamcompanies,exclusivelyfortoppers.Inthis,SubhawasplacedinIBMaswell.

ShewouldbejoininginPunetoo.So,eversinceshegotplacedinIBM,weweremaking“PunePlans”

Lifeseemedpicture-perfect.

Foronce,Islepthappily,confidentofahappyfuture.

Irealizedthatamotivatingfriendbesidemethrougheverythingandtheprospectofstandingonmyownfeetreallyturnedmeon!

MaybeIhadtogothroughallthispainjusttouncoverthetrueKarthikathatwaswrappedupwithin.

TodayasIlookbackatthedaysIspentfearingbeingaloser,orbeingmockedat,IjustwishIhadencouragedmyselftopursuemydreamratherthandiscouragingmyselfalongwitheveryoneelse.IwishIhadtrustedtheunknownfutureratherthanbelievinginitsdoom.Beliefandtrustareeverything.Whatyoubelieveiswhatyoubecome.Motivationisnothingbutaspecificsetofliesyourepeatedlytellyourselfuntil,oneday,youbelieveit,andfinallyyoumakeithappen.

Iwaitedsemesteraftersemester,hopingmymomwouldallowmetostudyFrench.

Whenallsemestersgotover,andIhadajobinhand,IknewIwouldgotoSyntel-PuneandjoinAllianceFrançaiseofPunewithmyfirstmonthsalary.

(+91)02025668001/2/3

That’sthePuneAFnumber.Inoteditdowninascrapofpapernervouslyandputitinmytravelbag.

Oneday,asIwaswalkingthroughthecollegecorridor,dreamingoflivingafreelifeinPune,someonecalledmefrombehind,“Karthika”.ItwasPraveen,withabeautifulsmileonthathandsomeface,andIallowedanotherpersontoenterintomydreamwithoutwakingup.

It’sthepossibilityofhavingadreamcometruethatmakeslifeinteresting.

InthewordsofStephenKing:

“Hopeisagoodthing,maybethebestofthings,andnogoodthingeverdies”

Chapter18:HellDays

Closetotwomonthsaftercollegeclosed,SubhashreegotthejoiningcallfromIBM–Puneitwas.IwenttotheChennaiAirporttoseeheroff,reassuringherthatIwouldbejoiningprettysoon.

Daysturnedintoweeks,andweeksintomonths..StillnocallsfromSyntel.Therecessionwreakedhavoconmylife.

Inthemeantime,DivyahadgotacallfromTCS.TwomonthslaterWiprofolkstoojoinedin.

IwassincerelywaitingfortheSyntelHRtocall.

Parentsbecamedesperate.RelativesagainstartedcomparingDivyaandme.Toaddtothelist,myparentsstartedcomparingmewithSubhaandDevi.“Youareuseless,andthecompanyyougetplacedisjustasyouare.Lookatyourfriends–yourbestfriendisatopper,andlookwhereyouare!!Youareashametothefamily.Yououghttohavebecomeaschoolteacher.Wasteof4lakhsofmoney.Icouldhaveinvestedthiselsewhere”

IwassharingmyinsecuritieswithSubhaandPraveen,whomelsecouldIturnto?

Bothofthemwereverysupportive,encouragingmethatSyntelwouldeventuallycallmesomeday.Let’swaithopefully.

PraveenwastryingfortheMSCSEcourseinIIT-Madras.

Hewillbeattendinghisinterviewtomorrow.Iwassoexcited.Iwishedhimgoodlucknervously.

HehadalreadytriedforNITTrichyandfailed.Ionlywishedthathiswilddreamwouldcometruethistime.

Chapter19:Perfidy

ThewaitforSyntelcontinued.Inthemean-time,toeasethesituation,IattemptedandclearedtheCognizantinterview,whichwasabigrelief.IwastojoininChennaiin3weeks’time.

PraveenclearedtheIITinterviewandjoinedtheMScourse.Buteversince,hehadstoppedtalkingtome.

ItriedpinginghimonYahooMessenger,therewasnoresponse.Theguywhohadoncesaid:

“Oh,Iamjobless.Ialwayskeepsurfingthenet,alwaysthereonYahooMessengerandOrkut.Whatotherbetterbusiness;)”

hadsuddenlyvanishedintothinair.HehadblockedmeonYahooMessenger.Livingwithouthimwashellitself.Itriedmessaginghimonyahoo,onmobile,onmail,sayingIwassorryincaseIhadhurthimunknowingly.Yettherewasnoresponse.

Inallthefrustration,oneday,IloggedintoOrkut,toseeifhewasavailableatleastthere.AbeautifulladybynameBeulahhadwrittenatestimonialonhim–callinghimthemosthandsomemanintheworld.Iknewwhatitmeant.Iloggedoffwithtearsinmyeyes.

Almostamonthlater,PraveenrepliedbackonYahoo,sayinghewishedtobreak-up.Ididnotrespondback.Ididn’twanttowastewords,butIwastedmyemotions.Icriedlikemad.

IcalledSubhaandcriedtoher.Iwouldshutmyselfinthewashroomforhours,seeingmytearsandtryingtocontrolthem,allinvain.

IjoinedCognizantandtrainingcommenced.StillIkepttellingmyparentsthatIwouldgotoSyntelifIgotacall.

MymomkeptpersistingthatIoughttosticktoCognizant

“Cognizantisabiggercompany.Areyouafool?WhydoyouwanttogotoSyntel?ToPune?Foryourfriend?Don’tyouloveyourparents?”

Ididn’tknowhowtorespondtothisemotionalblack-mailing.ThiswassomethingIhadneveranticipated.

“Mom.ItoldyouIwasjoiningSyntelonly.Cognizantisonlyforthetimebeing.Whyallthisfusssuddenly?”

“Darling.Whatwouldwedowithoutyou?Bharatiismarriedandgone.Youareallwehaveinourlife.WhatwoulddadandIdowithoutyou?Youneverunderstandourpain”

Andshestartedcryinguncontrollably.

“Youknowwhat?Youwillearn15kpermonth,andyourfriendearns25kpermonth.Thenyouwillhaveegoclashesandyouwillseparate.YouwillthenrealizeyourblunderandwishtocomebacktoChennai,butthen,itmaynotbepossible.Don’tyourealizeIamtellingallthisforyourowngood.?Alreadyyouareearning20kpermonth?Whowouldmovetoacompanythatpays15?Nobodywill”

“Iwillmom”

Whywouldamotherwhoneverthoughttwicewhenshe

calledmeaworthlesspersonwhowasunnecessarilygivingthemanexpenseof4lakhs,nowsuddenlytalkofloveandnotbeingunderstood?Andwhydoesshesuddenlywanttosaveafriendshipthatisgoodandgoing,andinnowaybreakingapart?Whatrightdidshehavetosaythis?Whatdidshegainbyhavingmeunderhercontrol?Ohyes.IwouldnotbeabletostudyFrench.And,ofcourse,thecommonmentalitythatawomanhasnobusinesstobeonherown!!Shehastobeunderherparents’controlbeforemarriageandunderhusband’scontrolaftermarriage.Shehasnobloodyrighttobeindependent!!

Ireadherthoughtsbetweenallthemelodramas,andconfirmedaffirmativelythatIwouldgotoSyntel,nomatterwhat.

IcriedallthroughthenightsthinkingofPraveen.“IfIconverttoChristianity,wouldhemarryme?Willitbeworthtrying?”

Slowly,twomonthslater,theITdepartmentstudentsofmycollegestartedgettingcallsfromSyntel.Mynervestrembledinexcitement.IcalledSubhaanxiously.Shemadeallplansformyarrival.Shehadrentedaseparate2BHK(previouslyshewasstayingwithafewothersfromIBM),andmovedintoitaweeklater.

Themuch-awaitednewsarrived.OneeveningwhenIcamebackhomefromoffice,mymomtoldmethattheHRfromSyntelhadcalled.

WOOOOOWWWW!!

AndthenIasked,“Whatdidhesay?”

‘Heasked,“IsKarthikawillingtojoinSyntel?”

Isaid,“Shedoesn’tneedyourjob,shealreadyhasone.Youcancancelherjoboffer.”Itoldhimthetruth.Ididthebestthingforyoudear’.

Icrasheddown.MyFrenchdreamswentrightintothegutter.

Icriedeverydaythereafter.Idon’trememberforwhatIcried,MaybeIcriedthinkingofPraveen.MaybeIcriedthinkingofPune.MaybeIcriedthinkingofFreedom.MaybeitwasFrench.

Icriedallthetime.Ididn’tknowwhichofthesemademecrythemost.Nonetheless,Icried!!

Islowlywenttomytravelbag.IpulledoutthescrapofpaperwiththeAllianceFrançaisephonenumber,toreittopieces,andthrewitinthedustbin.Subhashreemovedintoadifferentsharingroomamonthlater.Thisisallawomancandreamof!!

“Hopeisadangerousthing.Hopecandriveamaninsane.”

MaybeRedwasrightandAndywrongallalong!!

Chapter20:DespiteDams,theRiverFlows

EverymorningIboardedtheofficebus.

Everymorning,IcrossedIIT-Madras.IknewPraveenwassomewhereinside,studyingwithallhismight.EverytimeIcrossedit,Ilookedout,hopingtoseehimsomewherewithinthevisiblepremises.Foolishideaindeed.WhateverIwasdoinguntilthenwouldimmediatelyceasethemomentthebusreachedGandhiMandapam.IwouldlookoutuntilthebuscrossedDollarandPounds.ThemanofmydreamshadsomeonecalledBeulahinhislife.Whowasshe?ThenIwouldstartcryingagain,tillIreachedoffice.ImadesureIdriedmyeyesbeforeIgotoffthebus.Thiswasmydailyroutine.

Iwasworking,Iwasearning,andmysalarywascreditedintomyparent’sbankaccount.Ididnothavetherighttoevengetorsavemymoney.Whateverbemyexpenses,Ihadtoaskmymom.Andmomwouldaskmeabillionquestions:

“Whatdoyouneedthemoneyfor?”

“Ohhowextravagantofyou!Weareinasmallmiddleclassfamily.Pleaselearntosavemoney”

“Mom,Iamnotaskingforallthemoney,justRs.2000/-extramom,please”

“No”

“Idon’tknowwhenyouwilllearntoberesponsible”

There,thedefinitionof“beingresponsible”changedyetagain.

Everyothermonth,Ifacedthismammothproblemanddecidedtofinallytackleit.

“Mom,Iwanttohavemyownbankaccount”

“Notrequired.AslongasBharatiwaswithus,wewerehandlinghersalary.Sowillitbewithyou.Aftermarriage,youhavetogiveyouraccounttoyourhusband.Doyouunderstand?Havingyourownbankaccount,forawoman,isnotrequired.Thisishoweverywomanhastoliveherlife.Thisiswhatwomenaremeanttobe.Whenareyougoingtostoplivinginyourfantasiesandcometoreality?”

“Mom,butdon’tyouhaveyourownbankaccount?”

“Yes.Ihavemyownbankaccount.Butdaddyhandlesit.Idon’t.Doyougetit?Nowshutupandgoaboutyourbusiness.”

“Ifcontrollingfinanceisallyouwant,whydon’tyoumanageyourownbankaccount?Whydoyouwanttopullmine?”

Spank!!AtightslaphitmycheekandIdroppedthetopic

Maybe Iam thebiggest failure thatburdened theearthwithitspresence.

I had so often dreamt of freedom, studying French,standingonmyownfeetwithoutanyone’said.But,hereIwas–earning themoney Icouldneverspend, Ihadnoownershipoverwhatwasrightfullymine.

ThemanIloveddidn’tlovemeanymore.

The ladywho supportedmeall along,was far inPune,mindingherowncupofproblems,sheseldomhad timeformethesedays.

Wasmy lifeworthwhile? Isn’t it awasteof time?Ratherthan living this worthless life, it would do better to die.But, by dying, I would again achieve nothing. Peoplewould cry overme for two days, garlandmy photo andprobably say that I had been undergoing treatment fordepression.Oneneverknowswhatthisworld iscapableof.No.Iwasn’tallowingsomeonetosaysuchnonsenseofmewhenIamgone.Thepoint is,youcanneverstopsuchnon-sensetalkafteryourdeath.HowIwishghoststruly existed!! But, even if I have to live a 40 moreworthlessyearsinchains,letmeseeifoneday,Icanbea freebird.. Justoneday..Onedayenough forme…Alifetimeoffailureswillbeforgivenandforgotten……..

So, I started studying my options. Mom was the onealways antagonizing me. How about trying dad for achange?!!Let’sgo.

Chapter21:Lerêvedesrêves

Dadwasastrictofficer.Notthathewouldscoldmeorhitme hard. I was just scared of him. Why? May be thethoughtthathewouldscoldmescaredmeoff.

Idon’tknow.Whatifhescoldsmeinfrontofeveryone?

Itsok.Life’sworththerisk.Let’sgiveitago..

Ok.. Now where’s dad?? I went hunting around thehouseinsearchofdad.Hewasn’tthere.

“Mom,where’sdad?”

“GonetomeetShanmogaveluncle.Why?”

“Nothing.Justaskedashewasmissing”

“hmm..Iamnottakingit.Somethingfishy”

“Asyoulikeit”

I went back to writing short stories and reading Frencharticlesonline,painting,pencilsketching,poetry.AsRedrightlynoted:“Inprison,amanwilldoalmostanythingtokeephismindoccupied”.Icontinuedsubmittingmyshort-stories, and writing blogs – frankly speaking, I didn’tknowhowtogoaboutpublishingbooks,orrather, Iwasskepticaloftheidea–thefearoffailure.

I copied a picture of ‘Dennis theMenace’ fishing by thelakewithhisfather-asapencilsketch.

WhydidHankchooseDennistohavepimples?Hecould

have created a little cute boy without blemishes. Whynot?

Why did he never cut that extra hair standing at rightanglesonceinawhile?Idon’tlikeit.

Thoughtsrespond:

“Karthika. You have lovedDennis just theway he is, inspite of his pimples and hair sticking out. Not just you,every naughty kid out there has loved him in his/ herchildhood. It alright not to be perfect. Just be in themoment,enjoyeveryrollercoasterrideinlife.Smilealot.Ilikeyouthatway.”

“Anyreasontosmile?”

“Smile while you still can. You never know what willhappentomorrow”

Thewaitoftwohoursseemedlikeyears,whendadcamehome.ShallIstartthetopicnow?No.Hejustcamefromoutside,hemustbetired.Let’snotirritatehim.

Iwaitedfordadtochangehisclothesandtaketea.Ok.Now,momwasaround.Solet’swaittillIamabletogethimalone.Hesattherereadingthenewspaperforanotherhalfanhour,

Next,dadwenttothestudyroom,tobrowsethenet.Itoostealthily followed, in the pretext of reading a book.. Itwas now. Come on Karthika. Dad is alone in the room,youhavetospeaknow.

But Alas! Yet again my courage failed me, whensuddenly dad said, “Do you want to go to AllianceFrançaiseanddoyourFrenchcourse?”

Iwaslostforwords.ThiswasprobablytheverylastthingI expectedmy dad to say. I stood searching for words,whendadadded, “Let’sgoandregister foryourclassesthisweek-end”

“okdad”.

Intheexcitementofthemoment,Ihadforgottenallaboutthebankaccount details. It justwasn’t important at thismoment.

Dreams filled my eyes, mind, heart and soul. I did notbelong to this world any more. No not here. You canmeetmeinDreamlandanytime.

Chapter22:IwishIwereaMan

SubhashreewasmarriedandshesettleddowninChennaiwithherhusband.

Weird!!Shewasonehellofanextravert,whocouldeasilyminglewithanyone.Shehadalotoffriends.IalwaysexpectedthatshewouldmarryaguywhowouldgodownonhiskneestoproposetoherwitharoseinaromanticEnglishbeachsetting.Ineverthoughtofherboyfriendtoproposeinanyotherway.HadIbeenamanthatisexactlywhatIwouldhavedone.Unfortunately,herswasanarrangedmarriage,atypicalIndianarrangedmarriage.IthardlyhadanyofthekickIhadsomuchanticipatedalltheseyears.

DELFA2 classes started. I looked forward toweekendslikeneverbeforeinmylife.Lifewashappeningatlast.

SaturdaysandSundayswereamatterofsheerpleasureto me, like a child awaiting the games hour. I felt myhappiness soaring to the skies. Of course, this was adream.Itshouldbe.Howcouldthisbetrue.

But yes, it happened. Dad made it his personalresponsibilitytodropatandpickmeupfromtheclasses.EvenifIsayIwouldgobymyself,hewouldn’tbudge.

Oneday,whiledroppingmehesaid,“Ithoughtmomwasalways right. But I can clearly see that we made amistake. We could have allowed you to study French

earlier.”

Icouldseehisfacehadbecomesadandburdenedwiththe thoughtof thepainhehadmademego throughalltheseyears.

Ireplied,“Dad,it’salright.NowIamalright.Thepain’sallgone.IamstudyingFrench.WhatmoredoIneed?Thisisheavendad.Alltheagonizingpastisforgotten.Loveisbeautifuldad”.

Suddenlymymind said: “Let’s not delay it further. Let’saskdad”

“Dad, I would like to have my own bank account, andhandleitbymyself”

“Askmom”

Iconsideredthechapterclosed.

“Bytheway,beforeyouleavefortheclass,eh..momandIarethinkingofsearchingaguyforyou.Eh….hmm…Incaseyouhavesomeoneinyourlife,eh..justhmmm..letmeknow.Itwillsaveusalotoftime.”

I sat there for awhile thinking ofPraveen. I thought if IhadtomarryhimIhadtofightitoutwithmyparents.Butlookherewhatwashappening.Ifeltlikecrying.MaybeIdidn’tdeservesuchakindmanforafather.

Seeing that I was hesitating to open my mouth, hecontinued:

“I don’t care about caste or community or religion. Aslongasheisemployed,Idon’tthinkitwillbeamatterofconcern. If in case he belongs to some other caste, letmeknow,Iwillgomyselfandtalktohisparents”

“Nodad.Idon’thaveanyboyfriend.”

“Really?AmIsupposedtobelievethat?”

Ididn’texpectmydadtosaythat!!

“Yes dad. Absolutely. I am such a moron, that I don’thave a boyfriend. You can start searching for a guy forme.SorryforallthetroubleIamcausingyoudad.Butononecondition. Iwillnevermarryanyone ifyouaregoingto give dowry. I will definitely not marry him. That’s apromise dad. I don’t want myself to be sold so cheap.Please findmeaguywho iscapableofstandingonhisown feet, come what may. I don’t want a guy who willmarryme formoney. Iwantaguy–a realguy–aguywithguts”

Mydadsmiledandsaid,“Let’ssee”.

I slowly and dreamily walked up to my classroom,thinkinghowmanywomenandmeninIndiawouldhavelovedtohaveafatherlikemine.Iwaslucky,indeed.

Iwaslateforclassalready,butmyeyeswerewatering.Ididn’thaveanotheroption. I fakedasneezeandwalkedinto“SalledeClasse”.

Around5:00PMthatday,Ireceivedamailstatingthat,myshort story, “Tinku and the torn-kite fairy” had won thefirst prize in a competition and I(along with four othercontestants)hadwonaweek’sfreevacationtoAndamanandNicobarIslands!!!!

Wooooow!!! My literary work had received recognition,not just any recognition, but a trip to Andaman andNicobar Islands!! Amazing!! Did anyone dream of thatcoming??Notme!!

Life was definitely happening. After a very long time.. I

couldn’tbelievemyeyes.

“Mom, I submitted one of my books, and I have beenawardedaweek’stimeinAndaman!!”

She replied, “Ohgood. Let’s see if youwill be going ornot.Willdiscusswithdadandletyouknow”

“Butwhat’sthematter?”

“Of course, don’t be silly Karthika. You are a lady. Youcan’t be going around that island all by yourself. If youwere married, I would not have given it a thought.Definitely not when you arewith parents. Anyway, I willdiscusswithdadandletyouknow.”

“Mom,thisofferwillnotwaitformetillIammarried”

“Thenforgetit.That’snotimportant.Yoursafetyis”

A few weeks later, there were follow-up calls from theagencyaskingifIwouldbemakingthetrip.Iansweredinthe affirmative – I just wished some miracle wouldhappen,andmyparentswouldagree.

Asexpected,afteraweek,myparentssaid“No”

IwishIwereaguy.Noneofthissecurityhushupwouldeverhappentome.Whydoboyshaveallthefun?

Chapter23:AGroomcomeshome

Years rolled by. Parents went haywire searching for asuitableguyforme…

Sitting at home all day reading an intriguing SidneySheldon or an Agatha Christie would have been mostsuitablejobpositionforme,ifonlytheworldpaidforit!!

Unfortunately, it doesn’t. So, the introvert that I am isforced to go and mingle with less intellectually excitingextraverted “emotosapians”.On theoutside, Iwork for asoftwarecompany,ontheinside,Iamdreamer.. Idreamthe impossible. Iwish I could live the impossible. I onlywish….

TherewasnomoneyIcouldgetayear’svacationonthemoonEducatedmarriedwomendidn’thave toworkaspart-timehouseholdcooksandnannies.

Oh! Ionlywish therewasnooneelse in thisworld,butforme!!Hownice!!IcouldgowhereverIwant,wheneverIwant,without askinganyone’s permission,without fearof anyone raping me, without fear.. I would grow myfavoritevegetablesonly,cookonlywhat I liked, readmyfavorite books, build my own world, if anything wentwrong, it could always be deleted with the vanishingspell.Lifewouldhavebeensomucheasier,livingbymyownrules….

“Karthikaaa!! How long should I wake you up? Its 8:45already.Areyouplanningtogotoofficetoday?Youdon’thaveany love for yourmom. Iamslogginghereall daycooking, and all you do is sleep, sleep and sleep.Irresponsible moron!! Remember you are going to besomeone’swife.Timetolearntoberesponsible”

That’s the next definition… the old order changeth,yieldingplacetonew..

Pat! Got one tight slap on my cheek. Oh that was mymom.Timetowake.Nomoredreams!!WakeupKar!!

#####

Oh!! Its 8:45, I amgoing to be late to office! Iwoke upandgotreadyin15minsandwasatthebreakfasttableat9,whenmymomstartedorderingme,“Gocutthecarrots.It’sforbiriyani”

Iwasstaringhardatherandangrilysaid, “Iamalreadylateforoffice”

Mom:“OnSunday?”

“Really??“!!!YoutoldmeIwaslateforoffice,andIwokeup..“

“Are youaware that I’ve been trying towake youup forthepastonehour?”

“Oh,Iwasinadifferentworld,thedreamwasamazing”

“Oh, may I know what it was? Was it your wedding?Honeymoon?Ordoyoualreadyhavekids?Oneortwo?”

“Oh mom. Stop that kind of talk. Please. Not in themorning!!Iwasafreebird.Isn’titexciting?”

“Non-sense.Freebirdanddowhat?”

“Nothing.Justenjoylife”

“Godknowswhenyouaregoing tobehave responsibly.Marriagewillsetyouright”

“Marriage isnon-sense.What todo.At leastdreamsarebeautiful.Youarenotallowingmetoenjoyeventhat”

Iwentawayscrappingandcuttingthecarrots.

##

Evening4:00PMwaswhenAravindcamehomewithhisparentsandsister,herhusbandandtwokids.Hewasmyprospectiveguythroughamarriagebroker.

DamnthatIhavetomarryaman,Whatapity.Whycan’tIbeafreebird?

Hesatatthecornersofa.Firstlook?Notattractiveatall.Dark,noselookssnobbish,darklips,justwishthisisjustanotherguytowhomIneedtosay“Hi,Howareyou?whatdoyoudo?,etc”Iamdefinitelynotmarryinghim!

Parentswereseriouslywelcoming them forawhile,andthendadsaid,“Whydon’tyoutalktoeachother?”

Ohyes,talkinfrontofeveryone!!Funnyenough!!

Hestarted!Iamsureheisanextravert.

“IamworkinginKotakMahindraPrimeBranchasDeputyManager.Imanagecarloans.”

“Ohgreat.IworkforCognizantasaSoftwareDeveloper”

After talking a few sentences, we dropped the

conversation, parents continued.We fed themwell andbadethemgoodbye.

Parentstriedseriouslytoconvincemethathewasfromavery respectable family,and that Iought toconsider theproposalseriously.

Theywereveryhappy.Aravindwasworking inChennai,so I wouldn’t have to leave the place. His parentswereeducatedandhisfatherhadarespectablejob.Thiswasthefirsttimetheyhadcomesoclosetoperfection.

Earlier,eitherthehoroscopeswouldn’tmatch(99%ofthecases), or the guy wouldn’t have a decent salary, orwould be in someother location, or (inmost cases) theparents were uneducated, or he would have too manybrothers and sisters (where mom and dad feared theywoulddemandtoomuchdowry)

Chapter24:Whereareyougoingto,myprettymaid?

Aravind had asked for six months’ time for marriage, toget to know one another before the big day. I too wasveryhappy.ThiswaswhatItoowishedfor.

Hegotmymobilenumberfromdaddy.Hewouldcallmeeveryday.Wetalkedlonghours,aboutmovies,cars….

Me: “I like the ShawshankRedemptionmovie.It’samazing”

“Ohyes.MorganFreeman’snarrationstealstheshow”

“IhavenoideatothisdaywhatthosetwoItalianladiesweresingingabout.Truthis,Idon’twanttoknow.Somethingsarebestleftunsaid.I’dliketothinktheyweresingingaboutsomethingsobeautiful,itcan’tbeexpressedinwords,andmakesyourheartachebecauseofit.Itellyou,thosevoicessoaredhigherandfartherthananybodyinagrayplacedarestodream.Itwaslikesomebeautifulbirdflappedintoourdrablittlecageandmadethosewallsdissolveaway,andforthebriefestofmoments,everylastmaninShawshankfeltfree.”

Wow!!EvenIhavemostofthedialoguesby-heart.Awesomemovie.

Aravind:“Youknowthefunnythingis,ontheoutsideIwasanhonestman,straightasanarrow.Ihadtocometoprisontobeacrook.”

Me:“Sometimesitmakesmesad,though…Andybeing

gone.Ihavetoremindmyselfthatsomebirdsaren’tmeanttobecaged.Theirfeathersarejusttoobright.Andwhentheyflyaway,thepartofyouthatknowsitwasasintolockthemupDOESrejoice.Butstill,theplaceyouliveinisthatmuchmoredrabandemptythatthey’regone.IguessIjustmissmyfriend.”

Aravind:

“GetBusyLiving,orGetBusyDying”

AndyDufresne-whocrawledthroughariverofshitandcameoutcleanontheotherside.In1966,AndyDufresneescapedfromShawshankprison.Alltheyfoundofhimwasamuddysetofprisonclothes,abarofsoap,andanoldrockhammer,damnnearworndowntothenub.Irememberthinkingitwouldtakeamansixhundredyearstotunnelthroughthewallwithit.OldAndydiditinlessthantwenty.Oh,Andylovedgeology.Iimagineitappealedtohismeticulousnature.Aniceagehere,millionyearsofmountainbuildingthere.Geologyisthestudyofpressureandtime.That’sallittakesreally,pressure,andtime.That,andabiggoddamnposter.LikeIsaid,inprisonamanwilldomostanythingtokeephismindoccupied.TurnsoutAndy’sfavoritehobbywastotin’hiswalloutintotheexerciseyard,ahandfulatatime.IguessafterTommywaskilled,Andydecidedhe’dbeenherejustaboutlongenough.Andydidlikehewastold,buffedthoseshoestoahighmirrorshine.Theguardssimplydidn’tnotice.NeitherdidI…Imean,seriously,howoftendoyoureallylookatamansshoes?AndycrawledtofreedomthroughfivehundredyardsofshitsmellingfoulnessIcan’tevenimagine,ormaybeIjustdon’twantto.Fivehundredyards…that’sthelengthoffivefootballfields,justshyofhalfamile.

Me:Youreadbooks?

Aravind:“No.notmuch.Forthepastfewdays,I’vebeenreading a book called ‘The Power of Now’. It’s a goodone.Ithinkyoushouldtryit.Iamsureyou’lllikeit”

Me:“Iamnotveryfondofreadingself-helpbooksunlessIfeeldepressed.Amnotupsetnow.Idon’twanttoreaditjustyet”

Aravind:“YesterdayIsawahummerontheroad”

Me:“HummerorHammer?”

Aravind: “Madamji (that’showhealwayscalledme), it’sa car brand. It looks amazing, and one of the costliesttop-notchmodels.Pleasegoogleandcheckitout”

Me: “Sure sirji. I will do it.” Aravind, do you drink orsmoke?

Aravind:Yeah.

Me:Really?Drinkingorsmoking?

Aravind:Both

Me:What??!!!

Aravind:Yeah, Ismokea littleanddrinking–onlysocialdrinker–nothingmore.

Me:Damn,don’ttellmydad.Hewillbeveryupset.

Aravind:Doesn’tyourdaddrinkorsmoke?

Me:Ofcourse,hedoesn’t.

Aravind:Teetotaller?Seriously?

Me:Willyouleaveallthesehabitsaftermarriage?

Aravind:Hmmm.. Iwill trymadamji.Ok, leave that. Youknowsomething?Iwassoscaredandexcitedtoaskyournumbertoyourdad.

Me:(Purplexed)Why?

Aravind: You are so beautiful. I still can’t believe I amgoingtomarryyou!

Me:OMG!!Comeon,stopthisAravind.

He was very romantic, showering words every womanwantedtohear.Hewouldsay,“Youareverybeautiful”,“Iliked you the first moment I saw your photo, and eversince,Iwaswaitingtomeetyou”,or“Icouldn’twaittogetyournumberfromyourdad”,“Iamveryluckytohaveyouinmylife”,etc,etc..

Ithoughtlifewouldbeperfect.Thereneedbenoregretsanymore.He ismyman.Maybe I have beenwaiting allthesedaysofmylifejusttomeethim,justtomarryhim,justtolivealifetimewithhim..

Afewdayslater,Ithoughtofgivinghimasurprise.Itookthe train to Egmore, and went to his office. I stoodoutside Kotak Mahindra Bank, and gave him a call,askinghimtocomeout.

Hewasthrilled,butverynervoustomeetmeatoffice.

“Wow.Whata surprise.But, I don’twantus tobe seenbymycolleagues.Theywillstartteasingme”

He quickly drove me out of the complex in his greyHyundaii20,to–SkywalkMall.Wehadourlunchthere,andthenwentforamovie.

The day ended on a very positive note.Whenwewerereturning,heaskedme,“Karthika,I’vebeenthinkingforawhile,ifwecouldgiveinvitationweddingwithournamesas invitees, not the traditional ones our parents gave”. Iwasfloored.Thatsoundedreallyromantic.Isimplygavein.“Wow,I’dlovethat”

That night, I was very happy. Suddenly, themysteriousquestion came up on my head, and I pinged him onWhatsapp:

“Sirji,aftermarriage,willyouhelpmecook?”

“NoKarthika.It’stough.Iwillbecomingbackhomeverylate.Cookingisimpossible”

Just as I was preparing myself for a lifetime of somelonely time in kitchen, cooking, cooking and cooking, IwasremindedofmyParisianfantasy

“HowaboutaParishoneymoonAravind?”

“Whynotdarling?”

“Seriously?”

“Absolutely”

“Woooooooow!! So simple? I am going to Paris!!!!Doesn’titsoundtoogoodtobetrue?”

“Whydarling?”

“Do you know, it’s been a big dream forme?And I amgoingtherewithyou.HowluckyIam”

“Nope..Iamtheluckyguy,always”

######

No messages from him for the next few days, nomessages, no calls. May be he was too busy at office.Oh!Thesebankers!!

Aweeklater,hecameovertomyoffice-toreturnafavor.Tosurpriseme..Rather thana true feelingof love, I felthe had really come to return a favor.Wewent out to anearbycakeshopandhedroppedmebackinoffice.

Was this his idea of a romantic outing!! Pathetic tasteindeed. Now what was really wrong with him? I justassumedthatmaybehewastoostressedoutatoffice.

The engagement date was nearing. We went outshopping for the dresses and engagement ring withAravind, my parents and his. The excitement surgedwithinme.Ifeltontopoftheworld.

Finally, the engagement day came. We had planned asimple function in my house. Mehandi was applied twodays earlier. Aravind came a little late with his parents.Hewaswearinganoldblue shirt, I don’t knowwhy.Hewaslookingverytired.

I got the new sareefromhisparents.Thebeauticianhelpedmechange,andIwasback.Later,asimple poojahappened,andweexchangedrings.Relativescameovertoblessus.

Breakfast was arranged. Aravind started eating evenwithout waiting for me, I was with my relatives, whensuddenlymydadcalledmeoverurgentlyforbreakfast.

That’swhenIrealizedthatthegroomhadstartedhavingbreakfastwithout the bride!! I sat next to him,when heapologizedsayinghehadbeenveryhungry,andfeltvery

sorryabouthisconduct.

But somehow, it wasn’t ok. This was our first officialannouncement,andhehadbehavedodd.Ifelthurt,butdidn’texpressit.

Allfestivitiesover,wecalleditaday.

Chapter25:MysteriousMiseries-PartI

Threedayspassed.TherewerenocallsfromAravind.Mydad tried calling his father several times – no responsefromhimeither.

Panic struck everyone. What had happened? I waitedpatiently.Iwasveryupset.Parent’ssituationwasworse.

Dadsaid:

“We had given them 5 lakhs as dowry on the day ofengagement. May be they felt the money wasinsufficient”

“If they had any issues, they could have told us beforetheengagement.Whybringitthisfar,andthenmaintainsilence?”

“No.Iamsureitwasthedowryissue”

I wanted to just then scoldmy dad, “Why did you givedowrywithoutmyknowledge,howdareyou?”,butIcouldnot. Everyone was just too upset to take in such fightsjustthen

Twoweeksgoneby.

Still no response. Igot veryangry. I called thewomen’shelpline number: 044-43111143. I didn’t get any properpositive response from them. The lady started shootingquestionsatme:“Doyouhaveproof?”“Didyoutakeanyphotographs?”“Howdoweknowthatyoureallygavethemoney and this is not a prank call? Sorry, we can’t do

anything”,andshehungup.

Iwasgettingdesperate.

Ididn’tcare forAravind,orwhyhehadn’tcalledme.Noonewasgettingmemarriedwithdowry.Never.AnyDick,or Tom or Harry in the world may give dowry and getmarried,notKarthika. IwillnotmarryAravind,unlesshereturnsthemoney.Ifhedoesn’t,Iamgoingtosuehim.

Life came to a standstill. Parents were mentallydistraught. I couldn’t take it in anymore, Things had tostop. I repeatedly called Aravind to find out what washappening.Therewasnoresponse.

Then, I picked my friend’s mobile and called him. Hepicked,andIscreamedathiminasinglebreath:

“What do you think of yourself? You don’t pickmy call.Neither do you call me back. No calls or messages forthe past two days. Everyone is upset at home. I willregisterapolicecaseagainstallofyou.Seewhat’sgoingtohappen”–andIdisconnected.

Iwasshakingallover, inanger, intension. Ididn’tknowwhatIhadjustdone.Ihadventedoutmypain.

I guess the “police complaint” trick worked. Heimmediatelycalledbackonmymobile.

“Hey,what’shappeningatyourplace?”

“Whydoyoucareditcher?”

“What are they saying about me? Are they saying thisguyranoff?”

“Shut up. Yes they are. You have put my parents intosuchmental torture I can’t explain inwords. Iwillmakeyou and your parents suffer the same pain. You don’t

know what pain is maybe. Let me teach you.” I wasshakingheadandheart.

“Hey,Icanexplain.Afterallthis,doyouthinkwecanlivehappily?”

“NoAravind.Leavebeinghappy.Ican’tlivewithyou”

“Exactly.That’swhatItoowantedtosay”

“Idiot.Youhavenoright todothistome.Iwillnot leaveyoualone.JustwaitandwatchwhatIwilldo”

“WhatwillyoudotomeKarthika?”

“Idon’tknow.MaybeI’llhityouall.Allofyou”

“Can I come to your office? I’ll talk to you.Please don’tpullmy parents into all this. I am alone responsible forwhat’shappening.Iamverysorry.Whateverpunishmentyou wish to give, give me. Not my parents. They areinnocent.Theyknownothing.IfIcometoyouroffice,willyoumeetme?”

Idisconnectedthecall.

Chapter26:MysteriousMiseries–PartII

Aravindcametomyoffice,andstartedapologizing.

“I am sorry. I am responsible for everything thathappened.Icannotloveyou”

“Aravind. I love you. How could you doubt me? Wait..thinkIgot itwrong.DidyousayYOUdon’t loveme?OrthatIdon’tloveyou?”

“Yes.Idon’tloveyou”

“Oh,youcamethisfartotellmethatyoudon’t loveme.Thankyousomuch.”

Tearsstartedrollingdownmycheeks

“Sorry”

“Why is it?” My voice began to quiver. “What is it youdon’tlikeaboutme?Youwantamorehomelygirlright?”

“No.Notlikethat.Iamsorry.”

“OhmaybeIamnotbeautifulenoughforyou?”

I started crying uncontrollably. Yes, I know I am thestupidestgirl.

“NoKarthika.Nothingofthatsort.Yousaidyouwoulddosomething tome.Hitme if youwant.Beatmeplease. Iam responsible for what happened. Don’t blame myparents. It’s entirely my fault. I can’t love you. I can’tmarryyou”

“But why Aravind? It’s come this far. Engagement isalready over. Parents will be upset. They already are.Why did you wait this long? If you didn’t love me, youcouldhavetoldmelongback. It’s just twomonthsawayfor the wedding, and what do you mean by stoppingeverything? What happened? Do you love some othergirl?”

“Yes. Imether inmyoffice.Shewastheonewhocameand proposed to me. I too fell for her, We were in arelationshipforsixmonths.Thensheleftme,becauseofme.Iwastoopossessiveofher,andshedidn’t likeit. Inthe meantime, parents started searching for a girl. Ithought if Imarry someoneelse, Iwould forgether.Wecametoyourhouse.Ithoughtyouweretheanswertomypain, and that my life with you will help me forget her.That’swhyIaskedforsixmonths’ time–togetoverherthoughts.But I amnotable to. I can’t livewithouther. Iamnot able tomoveoutof hermemories.Please leaveme.Iamsorry.Idon’twanttoruinyourlife”

“It’s ok Aravind. I understand your problem. Take yourtimetoforgether.Thenwecangetmarried.Iwillwaitforyou immaterial of how long you need.My parents can’ttakethisAravind.Theyarealreadybroken”

“IwilltalktothemKarthika.Iwillfallatyourparents’feetif youwant. If theywant tobeatmeup, let them. If youmarry me, your life will be hell. I am drinking andsmokingeverydaythinkingofher.Yousaidyoudon’tlikedrunkardsright?”

“IloveyouAravind.Idon’tcareifyoudrinkorsmoke”

“Please leave me Karthika. Please don’t tell all this toyour parents, please say something else; even my

parentsdonotknowthatIhadagirlfriend.If theygettoknow, they will be completely distraught. Please. I begyou.” He touched my feet and cried. It felt horrible.Nonetheless,Ipromisednottorevealit.

“Isshecomingbackintoyourlife?”

“No”

“Then why are you wasting your time waiting for her?Whycan’tyoumarryme?What is ityoudon’t likeaboutme? I want to know Aravind. Tell me. If not you, someother guy will come to marry me. I don’t want to berejectedbyothers too.Please tellmewhat’swrongwithme.Please”

“YouareperfectKarthika.Iamtheunluckyguy.Pleasedon’tchangeyourselfforanyone.Theonewhogetstolivewithyouisreallylucky.Iamtheunluckyone–neitheramIabletowintheladyIlove,noramIabletoovercomehermemoriestolivewithawonderfulwomanlikeyou.Iamtheworthlessone”

“HowbeautifullyyoutalkAravind.Guesstheytaughtyouallthisspeakingskillsatoffice.But,ofallthewomenoutthere,whydidyouchoosemeastheguineapig,totestifyoucouldlivewithoutyourgirlfriend?Whyme?Whyme?Whyme?”

Ibrokedownhysterically.

That evening, his mother informed my parents that thewedding would be called off, as she was lately seeingmany dangerous dreams and was scared to take theweddingforward.

I was depressed. I had completely fallen in love withAravind,thatnowIdidn’thavethehearttoletgoofhim.Icalled him every day. He never attended them. Imessaged him daily. Therewas no response. I becamefrantic. I wanted to commit suicide. Parents were verygloomyandcrest-fallen.

Isawmyfathercryingforthefirsttimeinmylife.

Aweeklater,mydadwenttoAravind’snative(Nagercoil),returnedtheengagementsaree,andgotbackthe5lakhdowry.Aravindhadreturnedeventheengagementring!!Itwassafelyputawayintothelocker.

Every morning I would wake up, thinking this was justanothernightmare,Iwouldwalkuptothelocker,openitand see that ring I had once put on Aravind’s finger. Itouched it, felt it, flipped it intomyring finger,wipedmytears, andkept it back..Alas, itwasn’t thenightmareofthe dreams that disappeared by daybreak, this was anightmarethatstaystotauntandhauntmeforalifetime.

That finger I had longed to touchandcaressallmy lifehadreturnedbackmylove,empty-handed.

Days just didn’t move, didn’t even crawl. Everythingseemedtohavestopped.Eventime!!

Parentsstartedsearchingforanotherguy.Itwasjusttwomoremonthsforthewedding.

Dadcametome….

“Wearegoingtofindanotherguy.Allisnotlost.Westillhavetwomoremonths.Youdon’tworry.MomandIbeento the astrologer today who said that these problemswerehappeninginyourlifebecauseoftheSaturntransit.

Inafewmonths,allwillbewell.Hehasgivenusalistoftemples to visit inKumbakonam.Takeoneweek’s leaveinoffice.Wearevisitingthetemplesthisweek”

“Dad,pleasegivemesometimetoforgetAravind.What’sthehurryformarriagenow?Pleasehelpmegetoverthispain.Ineedsometime.Ican’tmarrysomeoneelse”

“Lookatme.” I looked.Hiseyeswerewatering. “Doyouknow what I am going through? You think about onlyyourself? Do you think of what your parents are goingthroughbecauseofyou?Doyouknowwhat thissocietywill say if they get to know that a girl’s wedding wascancelled? They will talk bad about your character. Doyou want to sit and hear all that? Do you want yourparentstohearallthat?Doyouwantusalltodieofpainandshame?”

“Nodad.Iloveyousomuch”

“Thenproveit.Iwanttolive.Please.Don’tkillme”

Hetouchedmyfeetandcried.

I simply couldn’t talk back in such situations. The onlythingIcoulddowascry-andcry,Idid.

Ivisitedeverypossibleonlinecounselingsite–seekingasolution fordepression.. Idon’tknowwhat Iwasseeing.Itwasofnouse.Ineededhelpfromsomewhere.Icouldnotfinditanywhere.Iwasdesperate.Iwasgoingmad

Icriedandcried,andcriedagain. IpingedmymanageronWhatsapp.Iwastakingaone-weekleave

Nextitwasmymother’sturn.

“Whyisallthishappening?Because,youdon’tbelieveinGod.Becauseyouareunholy.Godispunishingyou.And

with you, all of us are suffering. I am sure you wouldhave spoken arrogantly to Aravind, so, obviously, hethoughtyouwouldnotbeagoodwife,sohedroppedthewedding.Isn’tthatright?”

Onanyotherday, Iwouldhave foughtwithmymomforsuch words. But not today. Everyone was already hurtenough.Iwasn’topeningmymouth.

“Idon’tknowmom”

“Don’t say you don’t know. I am sure that’s whathappened. You must have been very harsh to him. Hedoesn’tlikeyoubecauseyou’vegotabadattitude.Ifyoucontinue being like this, no man will marry you. See,dowry is something we have been giving through theages, andwill continue giving.Are you a bigRajaRamMohanRoytryingtochangethesociety?Youcan’tdoit.So forGod’s sake, stop all this non-sense, and complywith thesociety.Nextweekwearegoing to temples,allbecauseof you, it’s for you. I knowyoudon’t believe inGod.But,look,wearealldyingherebecauseofyou(shestartedcryingloudly).Lookwhatyouhavedonetoallofus. Please, this is not for you. Think that it’s for yourparents’happiness.Pleasecomewithustothetemples,even if you don’t believe.Do this one small sacrifice foryourparents.Please”

I gave in, to everything. I didn’t know what else to do.Aravind had ruined my life. I wanted time to forget mypain,butpressurewasonlymountinguphigher,higherandhigher.Iwasnotabletoraisemyvoiceandexpressmyopinion.All I coulddowas,say “Yes.Sobe it”..Lifewashorrible.

Chapter27:MysteriousMiseries-PartIII

Wehadvisitedeverypossibletempleinoneweek.Everypujari said some shani or the other had started, someguruhadmovedsuddenlyintomyrasiandhencemylifewas hanging on the edge of despair. “Please do thispooja, that pooja every Saturday”. They would give ablackclothandsomePrasad.IwassurethatneithertheclothnorthePrasadcouldsaveme.Mylifewasdoomed.

Oneevening,asIcamebackhome,tiredfromoffice,dadwassittingonthesofa-amused. Iwassurprisedtoseehimhappy.Istaredathimforananswer.

“Mom and I went to the astrologer today. He said, inanotherweek’s time, a guywill come to us – his housewill be east-facing, working in some other city. He hasbeen waiting to marry you for the past one year. Theastrologeraddedthatallweneededtodowastowaitforhimtocomeandaskus,andthensayyesandproceed.Therewillbenoissues.Wecanhavetheweddingintwomonths’ time. He will be your husband. That’s what hesaid.Wearesohappyforyou!!”

Iwasstunned.“Dad,Ineedsomemoretime.Please”

“What for? The astrologer said he would be the bestmatchforyou”

“Dad.Whoeveritis,whyallthishurryformarriage?Iamnot hunger, to be quenched with whatever food is

available.Dad!!Iamahumanbeing.Pleaseallowmetolivewithdignity”

“Darling,pleaseallowyourparentstodiewithdignity.Weare not able to bear anything. Lookwhat all of us havegonethrough.Already,a lotofpeoplearewaiting toputus down. If they come to know that your wedding isstopped,itwouldbeashameforus”

“Whatshamedad?Tell themtheweddingwascalledoffbecausetheguydidn’twantthemarriage”

“That’ssoeasytosay,youdon’tknowthisworld. Idon’twanttolivetoseemydaughtergothroughsuchhorrors.Please. I beg you. Allow me to die in peace. Anyway,peace is already denied. Allowme to live at least for afewmore years.My heart will burst if things go on likethis”,andhestartedcryinglikeachild,again.

Idroppedthetopicandrushedtothewashroom.Ihadtocrymypainout.Iwasn’tgoingtocryintheopen.

Aravind gone, another guy comes, and I have to marryhim. Now I can’t even open my mouth about dowry.Whatever the guy asks, dad is going to handover themoney,becauseallhewantsistogetmemarried–allhewants is to get rid of me – for the sake of a uselesssociety!!

Simply because the society cannot accept if awoman’sweddingiscalledoff!!Tohellwithanatrocioussociety.Iwish Iwereaman. Iwishmydadhadneverdickedmymom.IwishIhadneverpoppedout…Iwish…..

Iamgoingtobesoldinbroaddaylightwithheavydowry,with no one available to raise a finger against these

shamefulacts.

Aweekpassed.True to theastrologer’swords, thenewbride came – Kannan Kumar – working for Infosys,Bangalore. After marriage, I had to move over toBangalore. I initiated the transfer formalities with mymanager.Well, Iwas leftwithnootherchoice.Awomanhas to leave everything and go behind her man like adog.DoIhaveotheroptions?

Kannanopenlyacceptedthathewasfromapoorfamily,and that he was building a big independent duplexhouse in his native. 90% of his salary was going onhouseloanandpersonalloan.So,theyaskedmydadforadowryof10lakhs.Dadaccepted.

My jewels were to be ‘strictly’ kept in his native aftermarriage–dadaccepted.(Whoishetodecidewheremyparents put the jewels after the marriage? It’s theirmoney,theirgold.Ihad,infact,intendedtoreturnitbackto them after the wedding function. Apparently, manyothershadotherplans)

Hewantedmydadtogifthimacar,awashingmachine,LEDTV,refrigerator,andotherhouseholdaccessories inBangaloreaspartofthedowry,beforethewedding.Well.Hedidn’tevenrequestforthem,heorderedforit.Allthedemandswereagreedto.

What did the guy live on if he had nothing of his own?Bloody beggar! And I had the world’s stupidest father,who would do anything to wash his daughter off hishands. He was shamelessly selling her away. And thatwasallthesocietywants.

Ihadalwayswantedtomarryamanwhowascapableofstanding on his own feet, if he isn’t rich, it’s ok. He

doesn’thavetobethemosthandsome,orthegreatestofmen.Ionlywantedaman,arealman,anhonorableman– that was all I wanted in my life, and here was one,shamelesslybeggingmydad formoney,oh, Iamsorry!In societal terms, it’s not called begging. It’s his right!!!Mindit.Amanhastherighttoplunderallthesavingsofhis wife’s family, and that was exactly what washappening.

Ifeltletdown.Thiswasit!!Anypossibilityofrationalityordecencyendshere.

Chapter28:Subhashreeopensup

Feminismistheradicalnotionthatwomenarehumanbeings.-CherisKramarae

I had to drain my pain somewhere, and my elixir wasalwaysSubhashree..

IvisitedSubha’splaceafteravery long time.Wehadn’tspoken much after her marriage. She had purposefullyavoided my calls and messages on several occasions.But I didn’t have another choice now. I didn’t carewhether she ignored or avoided me. I had to talk tosomeoneclose,orIwoulddieofmadness…

So,Imademywaytoherhouse.

Itoldhereverythingthatwasgoingoninmylife.

Shestaredatmeandstartedspeakingafteramoment’spause:

“Whendoyouplantohavekidsbytheway?”

“Kids? You should be crazy. I am talking about all thestupiditiesthatarehappeninginmylife,andyouareaskingmeaboutkids.DoIlooklikeafooltoyou?”

“Answermyquestion”

“Not now. Iwill not beget a kidwith a bankrupt beggar.

Maybeafterayearortwoifhelearnstorespectme.Notuntilthen”

“Don’t deny a man sex. Have kids as soon as you aremarried.Else,theywillcallyoua‘transgender’–thattooin front of yourparents.Howwould you like that?Don’tyou think your parents are already going through hell?Don’tmakeitworseforthem.

And don’t expect your husband to help you withhouseholdwork.No‘normal’manwilldoit.

Don’t expect him to allow you to do higher studies; nomanwantsawifetobemorequalifiedthanhim.

Itwillbebetterifyouquityourjobaftermarriageasitwillbe tough to handle both family and professionsimultaneously.

Even if you knowmore, even if you aremore intelligentthanKannan–don’tshow itoff. It’salwayssafe tobeadumb obedientwife than to show off your knowledge –thesocietywillcallyouarrogant.

If your husband tortures you for sex or money, don’tcomplain to anyone – it will be a waste. This world willnot pay heed to your pains. According to them, that’swhatwomenaremeantfor.Evenifyoufeellikescoldingyourhusband inpublic,scoldhimwithinyourheartandalways say nice things to him.There is no otherway. Ifyoufindthatyourhusbandisunfaithfultoyou,ignoreit.Else, there is only one thing that will happen. Yourhusband and his familymemberswill call you awhore,andchuckyououtofhome.”

Her voice was shaking. She stopped a little to regainherself.Thensuddenlyshelookedstraightintomyeyes.

IneverexpectedSubhatosaysuchthings–no–thiswasnotmy best friend. I hadn’t comehere for this. Iwasn’ttakingthis.

Shecontinued:

“Allamanwantsistofeellikeaman.Feelinglikeamanmeans having a woman to control. That’s all. So if youthinkyouwant tobe freeor independent throw thatshitin thetrashbin,andkeepgoing.There isnosuchthingas freedom.Yourmomwasalways right. ‘Bank accountwill be controlled by parents before marriage and byhusband after marriage’. That rule isn’t changed. Wethoughtourparentsweretooold-fashionedandtheyarenotintunewiththemodernsociety.Thetruthisthatmenare still old fashioned. We are the ones who are toomodernforthissociety”

Iwasn’tabletotakeitinanymore.Istoppedherangrily.

“Whyareyoutellingmeallthis?”

“Your dreams were mine too. I know how it feels whenyouexpectaman to treat you likeaqueen,andall thetreatmentyouget is thatofaslave. It’swhatallwomengo through. We are no exceptions. I want you to beprepared. I don’t want you to go through the horrors Iwent through. I want my best friend to be safe. I don’tknowwhat theanti-dowry laws in Indiaaredoing.Whenthe practice of taking dowry hasn’t stopped, we canobviously see that anti-dowry laws are of no use. Wecan’tdoanything.Thisishowourlivesweremeanttobedoomed. Get used to the idea. We are goats that areraised tobeslaughtered.Miracleshappenonly inHarryPotter’slife.Inours,onlydisasterhappens”

Hereyeswerewatering.

“Subha,Idon’tknowwhatIamgoingtodo.Thiscan’tgoon forever. I am not marrying someone because mymarriagewithsomeoneelsegotcalledoff,orbecausehehas to close his debts with my father’s hard-earnedmoney.Mydaddefinitelydidnotearnwith themotiveoffixingabeggar’sloans.Givemeanidea”

“If I had the idea, I wouldn’t be leading the life I amleading. Even I had ideas as you do. ‘Of course myhusbandwon’tbelikethat.Hewillbedecentenough.Hewill definitely respectwomen’. No! I was not fooling thepeople aroundme. I was foolingmyself. I justwantmybestfriendtobeaware”

“Howmuchdowrydidyoupeoplepay?”

“Oh forget the dowry. Dowry is a very small part of theproblem.Therearemanyothertoweringones.That’sjustthestarter. If youshuddersomuch for thestarter itself,howwillyouhandlethemaincourse?”

“Whyarewomensodumbthat theyknowmarried life issuch an injustice to women, and still they shamelesslyliveit?Aretheythatsenseless?Eh..Sorry.Ididn’tmeanyou.Imeantitingeneral”

“Yes. May be they are. That’s the way the laws of thesocietyare.Weknowthattheyarefools.Buttheproblemis, they look at us as fools. ‘What kind of a womandoesn’t want aman’s security?’ ‘What kind of awomanwon’t use sex as a weapon against men?’ yeah. Don’tstare at me that way. That’s how the society’s brainworks.May be we are a little different. So, we possiblycan’tescapethisshit.”

“Iamnotlivingthroughthisshit”

“Even the former Miss Universe Aishwarya Rai can’tescapethis.Thenhowwillyou?”

“Of course AishwaryaRai can’t, but Sushmita Sen can.You forget that Sushmita Sen is more intelligent thanAishwarya Rai. That’s how she became Miss India,beating Aishwarya. She was a beauty with a littlemorebrain than the most beautiful. That makes all thedifference. It’s not Aishwarya who awes me. It’sSushmita. How did shemanage to adopt a child at theage of twenty-five when she was still unmarried? Theworldwouldhaveraisedeyebrowsather.Still,shedidit.Indeed, she seemsmore intelligent tome. Shemade adifference in this world, an example most women canonlyaweat,butfewcandaretoemulate”

“Nomatter how hard a womanworks, or how hard shedreams,attheendoftheday,alltheworldwantedtocallher is a “whore”. Dreaming of change, for a woman, iswaste of time. May be Sushmita Sen can, not youKarthika. If at all you do that, do you believe that yourparentsaregoingtosupportyourdecision?Thinkagain.Sushmita’s family will stand by her decisions nomatterwhat.Willyours?Willtheybewithyouthroughthickandthin? Even when you ask them for some more time toforget Aravind, you don’t get it. What makes you thinktheyaregoing toallowyouyourway inanythingatall?Forgetall thesefantasies.Yes, theyexist in imagination,justinimagination.Cautioningyouismyduty.Lookslikeyouarenotgoingtochange.Idon’twantseeyousuffer.Hopeyouunderstandmyconcernforyoudear.”

“Yes your majesty!” and I walked out of her housedisappointed.

Yes, shewas right, absolutely right.Parentswhowould

not allow me just some more time for marriage, willpossiblynotgivemeanythingelseinlife,thewayIwantit. Therewerenodoors left open tome. Iwasdoomed.So, I turned to contemplate death on a serious note.Frankly,thatwastheonlyremainingoption.

I stumbled along, thinking of Subha getting scoldingsfrom her husband, being called a ‘whore’, doing all thehousehold work without support or concern from herbetter half, simply because she has to save therelationship,simplybecausesheneededsomeoneinlife.I shuddered. To think that this was the very life everywomanoughttohaveanorgasmforwasunthinkable.

Iwentbackretracingmysteps:

“Butdoyourememberdayswhentheysaidgettinggoodmarks, and getting a job was all that mattered. I toiledaway, getting scolded for badmarks, andnot landing ajob when everyone else had. Now, it looks like nothingbutbeingsoldandoppressed(forwhicheducationandajobwereabasicnecessity)evermatteredtothem”

“As Long asWomenAre Less Safe ThanMen,WeAreLessFree”

Chapter29:TheMarina

I was sitting inside an empty boat parked by theseashore,waitingfordeath.

Lifedidn’tpushmetodeath.Deathbeckonedmelovinglywithopenarms.

Ofcourse,theydon’tsayliveinpeace.It’salwaysrestinpeace. Death is the only one that offers unconditionalpeace. I sat inside a small boat parked on the beach,enjoyingthewindandtheview.

Wasthistherightdecision?Whataquestionatsuchanhour!!The choice is simple: do you want to live there rest ofyour lifeamongwomenwhotakeitupontheirshoulderstomentoryouonhowtosatisfythewhimsandfanciesofaman?Do you choose freedom to seeing your parentsfalling at the feet of uneducated cannibals, simplybecause they had begotten a daughter?? It was thatsimple…

Well..inpeaceIwas..contemplatingdeath.Theseawasbeautiful black.. black is beautiful. Small silver starsstrewedontheblackbackground..eventheyhadrulestofollow-thegravitationallaw,thegeneralandspeciallawsof relativity, theCromptoneffect,coulomb’s law,Dopplereffect, faraday’s law, fermets principle, Murphy’s law,ohms law, snells law, thermodynamics laws, theuncertaintyprinciple,Vanderwaalsforces..

As if these weren’t enough, new rules were discoveredandoldonesdisprovedeveryday.

I looked beyond the stars… The galaxies, matter, anti-matter…darkmatterdarkenergy,theblackhole,helium,hydrogen,nuclearfusion,quasars,CMB…Therewassomuchofbeautyinthislifetosavorandenjoy…ButhereIwas-thinkingofhowto livewiththesuperstitionsofthemisogynicsociety…Orevenbetter-die…

Iwishghostsexisted..no,Iwon’tcomebackandhauntanyonehere..notonearth.Definitelynothere..Neverhereagain…Iwanttogoinsidetheblackhole,becomeSpaghetti,andtravelthroughawormhole.ButwillIcomeoutwhole?WillIstillbeSpaghettiorwillIgetbackmynormalform?Iwon’tneedpermissionfromthegovernment.Iwon’tneedaspacecrafttocarrymeoutside.Iwillexploretheotherendoftheuniverse.Dearscientists,whateverbeunfathomablequestionsontheuniverse,youcanpostthemonmywebsite(oh,don’tbother,Iwillcreateoneshortlyafterdeath),Iwillfindoutandquenchyourknowledgethirst,absolutelyfreeofcharge.However,asIwouldbeconstantlytravelingthroughthefabricofthecosmos,Imayhavelimitedornotimetorespondtoemails.Astimetravelswouldbeinvolved,pleasedon’tbesurprisedifyoureceivedelayedresponsesorifyoufindthatthereplydateisearlierthanthequerydate..No..Idon’thavebranches..Idon’tworkinclustersorpartnerships..Iamthesoleproprietor!!

IwishIcouldbecomeaghost…

The beacon of the light house suddenly snapped meback to planet Earth. I saw the massive reboundingocean beforeme…The bay of Bengal, themarina- theworld’s first longestnaturalurbanbeach -hergorgeouswaves were like the outstretched arms of a lover,

impatientlyawaitingtoembraceme…AndhereIcome.

Igotdown from theboat. I removedmygold chainandput,mywatch,mymobileandmywalletinsidetheboat,andwalkedonthebeautifulwetsand.Thewatertouchedmy feet– the feelwasdivine, thewavespulledme in, Istretched my arms out in joy. Death was giving me awarmwelcome.

Lifeaskeddeath,“Whydopeoplelovemebuthateyou?”

Death responded, “Because youare a beautiful lie and Iamapainfultruth.”

Chapter30:Nadhiya

TheSpaghettiwas long, yellowandslippery, flowingonthefork,rightthroughmymouth.

No.Ihadn’tturnedintospaghettithroughtheblackhole.I am sitting on a mat and happily eating away inNadhiya’shouse.

Nowwho isNadhiya? I toodon’tknow.All I knowabouther is that, as I was enjoying the ocean, she urgentlystopped me, took me to her house and prepared mydinner,sayingshewantedtospeaksomethingimportantwithme.

Herhomewasa1BHKwithnothingmuchtoadmire.

Afterthemeal,shestartedtalking.

“So, what’s bothering you? Only fools attempt suicide.Whatkindofafoolareyou?”

“Iwouldhavepeacefullydiedbynow.AfterallthatIhavegonethrough,youbringmehereandfeedmetocallmeafool!!Iamextremelyhonored.Thankyou.

Doyouknowwhat Ihavebeengoing through? Itshell..nothingshortofhell”

Shedidn’tinterruptme.Icontinuedspeaking.No.Now,Iwasn’t speaking. I was screaming at her. I was ventingoutmyangerthroughthenozzle.

“Myparentsgotmeengagedtoaguy.Afterfourmonths,he called off the wedding, saying he was in love withsomeone else. Then, in spite of knowing that I am an

atheist,myparents takeme toeveryavailable temple inChennaiandKumbakonam.Ihadstrictlytoldmyparentsnot to give dowry for my wedding. Now, look whathappened!! Aravind goes, Kannan comes as areplacement. An atheist goes to temple, a person whodoesn’twanttogiveasinglepaiseasdowry,isforcedtogive 10 lakhs in cash, an LED TV, fridge, washingmachine, cot, sofa set, table, chair, stove, householdutensils and more, all because the wedding date hadbeeninformedtoourrelatives, it’sashameforawomaniftheweddingiscalledoff, it’sashameforthegirl iftheguy refuses to marry her due to dowry issues. Aftermarriage, a woman has no right to think of her life orcareer. All she has to do is, cook his meal, clean thehouse, wash the vessels, his dirty clothes, give up hercareer, beg and borrow money from parents for him tomeethisdebts,andbegetbabiesforhim,cleantheirshitandpissandthecyclecontinues.Don’twomenhavetherighttolivelifelikeGodsasthemendo?Isitacursetobe a woman? I want to be a man. I would have diedtoday.Youspoiltit.It’sok.Noregrets.Iwilltrytomorrow.”

Smilingatme,shesaid:

“Soyoudon’twanttomarryhim?”

“Not him, not any otherman. I amnot allowing anothermantoruinmylife.IfIlive,Iwilllivelikeaqueen,ifIdie,Iwanttodieinhonor”

“Iscommittingsuicidecalleddyinginhonor?”

“Of course.DoyouknowVanchinathan?That’sdying inhonor”

“He at least killed a British man before committingsuicide. So, make sure you abolish the dowry system

beforedying.That’sdyinginhonor”

“Funnythat”

“ShallIstopyourwedding?”

“Youkiddingme?Sorry,Iamnotinamoodforjokes.”

“No,Iamserious”

“Doit”

“Ok. Then go back home and be cheerful. Accept tomarryhim,andshowhimthatyouaretotallyinlovewithhim.”

“And marry him. And be his ATM, washing machine,cooker,sexappetizer,whatelse?”

“No. Just do this. Keep him and your parents happy.Makeeveryonebelieve thatyou really loveKannan,andyouwanttolivewithhim.Makehimfallcompletelyinlovewithyou. Iwillstoptheweddingforyou. Iwillmakehimfeelthepain.That’sadeal.”

“Really?Areyouserious?Whatdoyouwant fromme inreturn?”

Shesmiledatmeforamomentandsaid:

“Willyoubemyfriend?”

I didn’t know what to reply. I embraced her with moisteyes.

After a while I stretched myself lazily on the mat,wonderingifGodreallyexisted,whenIrealizedthatIhadforgotten tostudy thehistoryofmyguardianangelwhowassittingoppositeme,lookingintomyeyes.

“Hey Nadhiya. What were you doing all alone in the

beach?”

“You don’t own the beach. Of course, I came there toenjoy the breeze and spend some quiet time, when Ifoundthissillygirl”

“Howwillyoustopmywedding?”

“Surprise,Waitandwatch.Bytheway,whenisit?”

“September3rd.Idon’twanttoseemyparentshurt”

“Theywillbehappythatyoudidn’tmarryhim”

“Yourwordssoundheavenly.Ihopeyoudosomemagic”

“IwillKarthika. Iwill.Trustme.Butallowme tosurpriseyouonyourwedding”

“Permissiongranted.Hey,whatdoyoudoforaliving?”

“Iamapsychiatrist.Imeetalotofdepressedpeopleandcounselthem and help them overcome their pain inlife.

“Don’tmakemeenviousofyou.You’remarried?”

“Do I look it?Yours isaveryminorcase. I seesomanywomen with worse stories than you almost every day.After one incident, you are attempting suicide. When Ihear of hundreds of such incidents every day, do youeventhinkIamgoingtogetmarried?Notinthislifetime,notinahundredlifetimestocome”

########

Nadhiya was born in a well-to-do family of lawyers anddoctors. Theirs was a reputed family in the city -generations of rich people, who had importantconnectionsineverydepartment.

“IstudiedMBBSinRamachandraMedicalCollege.Inmyfinal year of study, I was engaged to a rich guy whommanyofmycloserelativeshadrecommended.

Istarted talking tohim. In thebeginning itwasallgood.Asdayswentby,Ifeltitwasn’tok.Wheninteractingwithoneofhisclosefriends,Igottoknowthathewasadrugaddict.

“Ispokeaboutthistomyparents.Theywouldn’taccept.Ours was one of the high-profile families in Chennai.Callingoffaweddingwouldbeapublicshametothem.Sotheyresistedmypleas.

Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Iwashelpless.Icriedtooneofmyuncleswhowasa famousdoctor inMadrasMedicalCollege.Hespokewith theDeanofCMCVellore (that’swheretheguystudied),andenquiredonhischaracter–hedidgetalotofnegativefeedback.Twice,theguyhadbeen suspendedon eve-teasing and rape charges, andre-instatedagain,thankstohisinfluentialparents.

“Afterhearingallthis,myparentsrelented.Theweddingwascalledoff.Fromthere,mineisalmostthesamestoryasyours.

As thewedding daywasapproaching, they tried to findanotherguybythattime.Iwashelpless.Iwasn’treadyto

acceptit.Ipickedmybags,andwalkedoutofhome,andthisiswhereIhavebeenlivingeversince.

“If a woman born in a rich family could undergo suchhorrors,Icouldn’tthinkwhatthepoorwomenwoulddo.Iwantedtodosomethingforthem.Iprovidecounselingtopoorwomeninfamilyharassmentissues.Isavethelivesofpooryoungwomen-andthat’sthebestpartofmylife.Thisismylife,andIloveit.Ievenrunaprivatedetectiveagency with a few of my lawyer friends to collectevidenceagainstthesemen”

Wow!!Therewassomeonesobold!Iwasflabbergasted.

“Ourstoriesarenothing.AlmosteverydayImeetwomenwhohavebeenbeatenupbytheirhusbands/fathers-in-law, who have been forced to have sex – either withthem,orwithsomeoneelse.

There are women who are verbally abused with sexualwords almost every other minute, by their own familymembers,andtheyhavenowhereelsetogo.Theylistentoalltheshitandstilllivewiththem.

There are still others who are forced into prostitution,some who are tortured to an extent of mortal danger –mentally and physically, some by the society, but mostare by their own familymembers. That’s when I realizethere issomuch todo in thisworld,somanywomen tosave.Icannotrest”

Andshesmiled.

“Nadhiya, why do you think I should live? I guess, nomatterwhat you say, Iwouldhavebeenbetter off deadthanalive”

“Don’t be foolishKarthika. This is your life.Go live your

life in your own way. Don’t let anyone take yourhappinessandfreedomfromyou.Livetoseethechangeyouwanttoseeinthisworld.Ididn’tsaveyoutogoandruinyourlifeagain.Goandsaveafewotherwomenlikeyou.Bearolemodelsomeonewouldwant toemulate. IamnotaskingyoutobecomeaMotherTeresaovernight.Do what little you can, to the suffering women aroundyou. Not much. Just a little. Very little. That should beenough.Givewomen thecourage tobe free.Give themtheconvictiontobeindependent.

I’vedone toomuchof talking.Nowget out ofmy room,andbeoffwithyourlife”

“CanIbewithyouandhelpyou?Idon’twanttogobackhome”

“I promised you that I will stop your wedding. Take myword. Please go back home. All will be well onSeptember3rd.”

“Wow..Hey,onemorequestion.Howdidyou findme inthebeach?”

“Lastweekyouhadenteredyourdetailsinmywebsite”

Oh, I had forgottenall about it.How funny to think thatsomeonehadconsideredmycaseseriously.

Chapter31:Goodluckisaresidueofpreparation

Home was the same dreary thing. Preparations forwedding,andthen,morepreparationsforwedding.

Ithoughtoverandoveragain-ofeverythingNadhiyahadspoken.Shehadpromisedtosavemylife.AllIhadtodowastofakemyhappinessinfrontoftheworld.Itwasthatsimple.

ButwasNadhiya trustworthy?Wouldshereallystopmymarriage?Orhadshesaid it simplybecause Imustnotattempt suicide once more? Moreover, she was acounselor.Shewoulddefinitelyknowhow tobrain-washpeople.

OMG!Shehassavedmylife.Iowehermylife.Ioughttothink of her with reverence and not as a brain-washer.Shehadtakenallthepainstofollowmeuptothebeach,wait formetowalktill thesea,andthensaveme…Shewas definitely up to something. She has taken it uponherselftosavelivesofwomen.Ioughttorespectandnotthinkillofher.

I tried smiling at home; it wasn’t quite a successfulaccomplishment.

Afewdayslater,Nadhiyacalledmeup,andaskedmetovisitheratherhouse. Itwas justoneweekmore for thewedding.

“HeyNadhiya”

“Hi Karthika. Your wedding will be stopped on 3rd, by9AM or even before that (muhurthamwas scheduled at9:30AM). Iwillcreatesometurmoil.Acabwillbewaitingforyououtsidetheweddinghall. Iwillsendyouthecabdetails in themorning ofSep 3rd.Use the confusion toescapeandcometomyhouse.Here’stheduplicatekey.You can come and change your dress here, and thentake the cab to the airport, Here’s your ticket toHyderabad.Theflightleavesby11:30AM.Wheneveryoufindtime,youcanbringyourluggageandkeepithere.”

“ButNadhiya,whatwill IdoinHyderabadwithoutajob?Lifewillbeevenmoremiserable”

“I have a friend’s NGO there. They arrange and imparttrainingtodestitutewomen.Wouldyouliketohelp?”

IheldNadhiya’shandsinreverence.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.

“And here’s a Hyderabad SIM. It’s already activated.Once you get into the cab, abandon your old SIM, andstartusingthis.Don’tuseituntilthen.Ihavethenumberwithme.Here,makeanoteofit.Don’tsharewithanyone–notevenyourbestfriend,ifeveryouintendtoescape.Ihave also made arrangements for your stay there. Thelodgedetailsareinsidethecover.Onceyoureachthere,you can contact Gokul. I will send you his numbershortly. Good luck”, and she pated me loving on myback.

“Nadhiya. Thank you so much. I am not worth all this.Whatwill I giveback to you?Howcan I ever thank youenough.Whyareyoudoingallthistoawomanyoudon’tevenknow?”

“Don’tIknowyouenough?”

“Maybe.Butit’snotreasonenoughtobedoingthis.Areyoucrazy?”

“MaybeitsbecauseIbelieveyoudeserveabetterlife.Doyou?”

My eyes were filled with tears. I hugged her for thesecondtime,speechless.

“Bytheway,howareyouplanningtostopmywedding?Ican’twaittoknowthesurprise”

“I am not spilling the beans yet. Now run back home.Bye”

Isoftlyasked,“HowcanIeverpayyoubackNadhiya?”

“Payitbackwithalifefullofpurpose,helpingwomenliverespectablelives.That’senough.”

I didn’t doubtNadhiya anymore. I was as cheerful as alark.Myfacewasglowingwithhappiness.Newlife,newhope.

Itriumphantlyembracedheronelasttimebeforeleaving.

I spoke loving words with Kannan, knowing that I wasanywaynotgoingtolivewithhim,notwithaguywithoutabackbone.Noway!!

Parents were very happy to see me cheerful. I liked it.How Iwisheveryonearoundmewouldbehappyall thetime. But the problem is my happiness and theirs wasalways mutually exclusive, making us incapacitated tosmile simultaneously at the same thing with the samefeelings.Ionlywishwecould!

Twomoredaysforthewedding……

Ipackedmyclothes– theyweremeant forBangalore. I

tookafewmoreclothesandpackedthemseparately.

“Mom,Ihavesomeimportantwork.Ihavetogotoofficetoday”

“But,haven’tyouappliedforleavesincelastweek?”

“Yesmom, it’s urgent. They needme, I will be back insometime”

Isqueezedmyluggageinsidemybackpack,andtherestinahandluggage.

“What’sthereintheluggage?”

“They are collecting old clothes for poor people in myoffice”

“Do you have to carry all your old clothes only now?Whenareyougoingtoberesponsible?It’sjusttwodaysmoreforyourwedding,anditsonlynowthatyouthinkingofgivingthepoor.”

Nowwhatdidthisresponsibilitymean??!!

“Mom, the drive for collecting the old clothes ishappening inmyoffice. Itwill beover inaweek. I can’tgiveitotherwise”

“God knowswhy you are suddenly trying to be a goodSamaritan.Wait. Let dadcomehome.Let himdropyouattherailwaystationatleast.Areyougoingtoofficejustforthis?”

“Nomom.Iseriouslyhavework.Trustme”

“Showmewhat dresses youhavepacked to give away.Areyousneakingoutanything?Thenwhyareyoutakingthesethingsevenwithoutinformingme?Whatgameareyouupto?”

Oh..Iwascaught.

Iwasabouttoopenmybag,thensuddenly,anideastruckme.

“Mom,don’tyousmellleakinggas?”

“No,don’tact.ShowmeyourbagNOW”

“Mom,gocheckinthekitchenfirst.Don’tbehavelikethis.Iamnotrunningaway.Iamhavingonlyoldclothes.”

Mom went inside. I pulled out one of the dresses shehated,andshowedittoher.Shewaspleased.

Daddroppedmeat therailwaystation,andthenImademywaytoNadhiya’shouse.Iopenedherhouseandputmyluggageinoneoftheshelves,alongwithathankyounotewithaRs.30,000chequeforthehelp.Idon’tknowhowmuchherservicewasworth.Itmeantlifetome.Iamsuretoanormalclientshewouldhavedemandedafewlakhsfortheseservices.ThirtywasallIcouldafford.

Chapter32:Septemberthe3rd

The mehandi was done and the jewels and sareearrangedandpackedforthewedding.

September 3rd:Iwokeupat4:00AMandweheadedstraighttotheweddinghall.Thebeauticianwaslate bytwohours.Shecameinby6:00AM.Iwasnervous–notthinkingofthewedding.Thiswasalifechangingdayforme,thedayIwouldbeanindependentfreebird.

Thebeauticianwasdrowningmeinmake-up.Shemademyhairbeautiful.Oh,itlookedamazing.Shedrapedmeinabluesilksaree.Iwentovertothestage,fortheinitialfunction - when the groom’s family would give the newsareetochangeinto.

I received the saree and came over. Nothing hadhappened yet. Iwaswaiting nervously.What if I had tolivewithhimallmylife?Whatiftheweddinggetsover?

Noway.IthoughtofHyderabad.Nadhiyawouldneverletmedown.Iwaitednervouslyformagictohappen.Iwentand sat myself near Kannan. The priest was offeringprayers.

Itwas then thatsomecommotionstartedbrewingat theentrance of the hall. After ten minutes (that seemed tome like an hour), the police came in. They arrestedKannan,hisfatherandhismother,andwalkedoutoftheweddinghall.Abeautiful pregnant lady I hadnever laid

eyesonbeforewasaccompanyingthem.

Ilostmyselfinthecommotion.Iwasexcited.Wow!Iwasgoing to escape the dreaded marriage life with abackboneless moron. The word “Escape” brought mebacktoreality. IhadNadhiya’skey inmypurse. I ran tothe bride’s dressing room.Women were wailing aroundme,waitingtopacifyme.

“Looks likeKannan isawomanizer.Hehaspromised tomarry that woman, and had demanded a lot of dowryfromher,acar,ahouse–all registered inhisname,anLED TV, the latest refrigerator, washing machine, allbrand new. That apart, he has demanded 20 lakhs incash. Initially, the girls parents thought they could talkthe guy out of the excess dowry, and didn’t raise theissue.Kannanhasevensleptwithherpromisingtomarryher. Later when he realized that her parents will beunabletopayallthedowry,hehasrefusedtomarryher.Thegirl’snameisSowjanya.Ashisdaughter’smarriagewas stalled, her father has committed suicide in grief,and her mother became mentally unstable. All thesedays, she has been silent. Suddenly, today, she hasgivenacomplaintagainsthim,aftershegottoknowthathe was gettingmarried to our Karthika. The girl is nowpregnant. Oh, she saved our daughter. Poor thing.Sowjanya is so beautiful, look how much she hassuffered.Lookatwhat thisKannan iscapableofdoing!!An educated man, joins with his uneducated parents,and runs marriage as a business. He deserves to behanged.Andwhatapity,ourKarthikahadtofallpreytohisplan.ThankGod,sheissavednow.Godisgreat!!”

I was so happy that people around me were so naïve.While they were wailing about what had just come to

pass,noone,foroncestoppedtothink,howshehadgotto know that Kannanwas gettingmarried today.Well, IwassecretlythankingNadhiyafortheprankwellplayed.

Anothertwotothreeladiescamewailingin..

“Look, look, this seems to have been their engagementphoto”

“First Aravind ditched you, now it’s Kannan. Oh. Lordshani is torturing you.Don’tworry darling.Hewill comeback soon. There won’t be any issue. You will lead ahappylife……”

Igrabbedmypurseandfled.

“Whereareyourunningdear?”

“Aunty, dad will need money to bail out Kannan. I amgoing togive this tohim. If anyoneasks, tell them Iamwaitingnearthegate”

“OhKarthika.Whydoyouhavetodotherunningaroundwith themakeup, hair-do, saree andall?Get someoneelsetogiveittodad”

“No.noproblem.” I didn’twait.. I ran, ranas fastasmylegscouldcarryme…

Icheckedmymobile.Nadhiyahadmessagedmethecabdriver and cab number details, and Gokul’s number. Icalled and spotted the black swift Dzire waiting twobuildingsaway.Wow!!Myfavoritecolor.Iranformylife.As Idrove toNadhiya’shouse Iwas thinkingofall that Ihad heard. How did she manage to cook up such abeautifulstory?Sheevengot thepolice intobelieving it.Lookslikesherunsverygoodbusiness.

Chapter33:FreedomAtLast

I discarded my Chennai SIM card, reached Nadhiya’shouse, grabbed my luggage, changed my clothes,washedmyface,alteredmyhair-doandmadeadashfortheairport.

IcalledherwithmyHyderabadnumber.

“Hey.Itwasamazing.Howdidyousetupthewholething?”

“Set up?!! Do you think the police would come if youdidn’tshowthemadequateproofs?Thepolicearen’tthatfoolish yet. I remember telling you that I run a privatedetective agency. They are facts, not stories.Good luckdear.Keepmepostedtillyoureachthelodgesafely”.

I couldn’tbelieve it. I thought shehad faked it all!!Thisfellowwas trulyawomanizer,hehad trulycheatedonawoman,andifnotforNadhiya,Iwouldhavebeenoneofhis preys. Someone’s father had committed suicidebecausehisdaughter’sweddingwasstopped.Sowjanya,thebeautifullasswaspregnant!!

I reached the airport, paid the cab driver, andwaited inpeace.Ihadjusthalfanhourmore,Itwas11:00.

Check-in was done quickly in less than 15 mins. Iboarded the flight andwas all set withmy seat belt by11:30.

Astheflighttookoff,Iputmymobileinaeroplanemode.

Chennai was quickly fading away. The cramped up citywas now going to be my past. Thoughts of Hyderabadgushedin.Iwasgoingtolivewithoutmyparents,withoutmy sister, my niece and my nephew, even withoutSubhashree–maybeforawhile.

I looked into the cloudy sky, but my heart was clear. Islippedintodreamland.

Iwasgoing tohelpunderprivilegedwomenandchildrenlive respectable lives, I was going to become a writer. Iwasgoingtobeafreebird.Iwillwriteandraisemyvoicetoliberatewomen.Ifnotme,whoelse?

I dreamt again, like a child without a care in theworld,likeafearlesstornadothatsawnoobstacles…

RememberRed,hopeisagoodthing,maybethebestofthings,andnogoodthingeverdies.

THEEND

Notes[←1]

‘Red’isoneofthemaincharactersisthemovie“TheShawshankRedemption”