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8/6/2019 The Courtship of Deborah
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/the-courtship-of-deborah 1/33
"THE COURTSHIP OF DEBORAH"
A play by
mike
Machine Repair Service9205 E 27th TerraceKansas City MO 64129
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CHARACTERS
ED
DEBORAH
(Three months later: The door to the apartmentopens and in walks Deb and Ed. They are having ananimated conversation. Deb carries a bag of fastfood over to the table and they both sit down.)
EDI know, but thanks for bailing me out. I wasn’t sure you would.
DEBStupid! You’ve really done it this time. You know you could bein jail for quite a while. Assault with a deadly weapon… and on alawyer.
(pause)
Damn it Ed! It’s my job! I can’t go back there! Damn it Ed!
EDNot my finest hour, I’ll give you that.
DEBAnd that gunshot! We were all on the floor – my God that wasloud… I didn’t know it was you until they told me when we got
outside…
(pause)What were you doing in his office all that time, before the policegot there?
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EDI had him post a notice on the company web site – and send anemail to everyone on his personal account.
DEBAn email?
ED Yea. And I had that secretary of his verify that it went out. Shedidn’t seem at all reluctant.
DEBBut he wasn’t injured?
EDNo.
DEBWhat did it say?
ED
Ed takes out a crumpled piece of paper and hands it to Deb.
DEB
(reading from the paper)
“This is to inform any and all concerned parties that I,
Stuart Zellor, am a lying cheating weasel. I knocked-up
an office worker and would not even apologize to her or my
wife. I would not tell
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DEB
DEB
anybody about this exceptthat an irate husband has
threatened to splatter my
brains all over my keyboard!”
DEB
That’s just great, Ed. In
one smooth move you have
destroyed my career and
probably yours.
(pause)
And how does this fit in withyour six-month plan? You
didn’t tell me about the part
where you go to jail and I
loose my job.
ED
Just like you didn’t tell me
about the part where you get
pregnant and have a damn
abortion!
They sit at the table and take out the food but neither of
them eats anything yet.
DEB
How did you find out?
EDThe abortion?
DEB
Yes.
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ED
A bill from the clinic. I
thought it was from where I
had those stitches but when I
looked at it there was this
test.
Ed takes another piece of paper from his pocket and looks
at it.
ED
Something called a Beta hCG.
I called the clinic and they
said it was a pregnancy test.
Yours was positive.
DEB
I’m sorry. Maybe I should
leave? I don’t have to stay
here tonight.
ED
(animated)Leave? Leave what? Leave
here and go find some other
poor chump? No Deb, stay
here. Confine the damage to
this county. I hate to see
you turned loose on anyone
else.
DEB
(sobbing)
I… I didn’t mean…
ED
Don’t do that! I don’t want
to hear that you didn’t mean
for any of this to happen.
You damn well didn’t care…
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and this is the result.
DEB
This is the result! I’m not
the one who took a damn gun
into my boss’s office and
threaten to kill him! I
didn’t loose it in front of
everyone I work with! I… Oh
what the hell difference does
it make now!
(pause)
(quieter)
I won’t apologize for trying
to have a life… for trying to
make something of myself.
ED
Fine! Try apologizing for
letting some witch doctor
reach up into your private
parts and kill whatever he
can find there!
DEB
Oh shut up! You’ll never
understand.
ED
No, I won’t. That I’ll never
understand.
DEB
You can be so cruel. My
whole world has come apart…
you’ll probably go to jail…
And damn you! You go to
where I work, the only job
I’ve ever had that was worth
a damn, and threaten my boss
with a gun. I’ll be lucky if
all I am is fired.
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ED
Fired! Fired! You’re
worried about your job? If
not for my Christian
upbringing I would have putthat bullet in his brain, not
in the ceiling.
(pause)
I told him… I said you’re
going to send a letter to all
your friends telling them
what a bastard you are.
(pause)
And do you know what he said?
Just like the take-charge
kind of jerk he is? He saidhe didn’t have to and he’d
see me in court and I’d be
sorry then!
DEB
And that’s when you shot him?
ED
I didn’t shoot him. I calmly
put the pistol behind his ear
and cocked it and told himthat dead men don’t go to
court so if he didn’t do what
I told him, all legal
remedies would be as useless
as his miserable existence.
(pause)
ED
Then I fired one round into
the ceiling… to show him I
would.
(pause)
So he pissed himself and
started typing.
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DEB
Wonderful. I can never go
back there again can I?
ED
Deb, you shouldn’t go backthere again. You shouldn’t
want to go back there. Don’t
you see what they did to you,
to us?
(pause)
I know you liked a lot of
what you did… the job I mean.
But part of the rush was
because that SOB was a no-
good skirt chaser. You were
blind-sided because he knewhow exciting it is to be a
part of that power structure.
DEB
(strident)
Maybe… Maybe I was, but I was
damn good at what I did and,
not just him, but everyone in
the office knew it.
ED
(angrily)
Well you were damn good at
doing him! That’s a fact we
can all agree on.
DEB
Deb gives Ed the single finger salute.
Screw you!
ED
What did he do when you told
him you were pregnant? --
Assuming you told him?
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DEB
He paid for the procedure…
ED(angrily)
It’s a procedure alright!
Ripping a life out of your
body.
DEB
Stop it! Just stop it! I
won’t talk to you if you’re
going to start in on that!
(pause)
I’m not proud of what I did,
but it’s done and I can’t
undo it!
(pause)
You can hate me if you want…
but do it quietly… I’m wrung
out.
They sit quietly for a while.
ED
I don’t hate you, Deb. I
hate what you did, but I
don’t hate you.
(pause)
How did he treat you? After…
DEB
You can say it. Don’t coddle
me.
(pause)After the abortion, which he
paid for, he didn’t have much
to do with me, on a personal
level. But like I told you,
my work was fine and we were
cordial.
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(pause)
DEB
But now this. What am I
supposed to do now? You
really screwed this up for
me. Can’t you… Don’t you
feel anything… You don’t
seem to care, even a little
bit!
ED
Of course I care… If I
didn’t care would I have done
something so stupid? I careto damn much!
(pause)
We were doing so well… until
you got sick. Oh, but you
weren’t sick were you?
DEB
(animated)
And what would you have me
do? Have a baby! Now, withall this going on! You know
it wouldn’t be yours!
ED
Mine? Yours? Ours? What
the hell difference would it
make? Damn, Deb, half the
babies born on this planet
are accidents or mistakes.
People suck it up and take
care of them. It’s called
life!
DEB
You mean… you mean to tell me
that you would raise someone
else’s child?
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ED
(gesturing)
If it came to that! I damn
well wouldn’t kill it. These
aren’t possessions to bebandied about.
(pause)
ED
Life is messy, Deb. We come
into this world blood-wet and
screaming like hell… and a
lot of us are going out the
same way. The only thing ofvalue we can honestly own is
that life within us.
DEB
Ah the philosopher machinist…
Who was about to take the
life of my boss. How does
that fit in with your ethics?
ED
We’re consenting adults. Heconsented to send and email,
and I consented not to blow
his brains out.
(pause)
Oh, and you consented to…
Well the life begun in you
didn’t get to consent to
anything…
DEB
Get off it!
ED
Okay, Deb. We both screwed
up. What can I say?
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DEB
You seem to have plenty to
say about my screw up.
As if on cue, they both start to eat a little of the food
on the table. They are quiet for a moment.
ED
So how about my situation?You have some familiarity
with the legal system… any
chance I won’t go to jail?
DEB
It’s not just jail. Posting
that message on the web site
probably exposed you to civil
liability.
ED
Civil liability?
DEB
That’s lawyer talk for he can
sue the crap out of you for
monetary damage to his
reputation.
ED
How the hell can you damagethe reputation of a weasel
like him? I should have just
brought him a poison fish.
DEB
If I were you I would try
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very quickly to get out of
the habit of referring to him
as a weasel. Remember that
your ultimate fate will be in
the hands of a judge/lawyer
who, I guarantee you, will
take great umbrage at being
referred to as a weasel… or
rodent, or any of your usual
animal analogies.
ED
You left out jackal, kite and
condor. Don’t forget the
carrion eaters.
DEB
(shaking her head)
You’re hopeless. Plan on a
long stay in a hard facility.
They poke at the fast food, more picking at it than
anything.
EDDid you get the flowers I
sent over the other day?
Those two orchids cost a
fortune.
DEB
Now you see? That’s what I
mean by hopeless. Can you,
just for a minute, imagine
what a stir that causes atthe office. They all know
the situation and I keep
getting these flowers and
gifts from my husband. You
don’t compliment me as much
as make me seem a fool.
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ED
You didn’t like them?
DEBThat’s not the point. It’s
the whole idea. I should
never have agreed to your
silly plan… I should have
just had you leave.
ED
Yea. It seems silly now…
after you got knocked-up.
DEB
I wish you wouldn’t use that
expression. I hate that.
ED
They should have called it
knocked-down… or maybe
knocked-over. How about
knock-knocked?
DEB
This isn’t funny. We are in
way over our heads. I don’t
know what will happen to us.
ED
(smiling at her)Now you are saying “us”. I
like the sound of that. Not
“me” or “you” but “us”.
DEB
And why shouldn’t I? This
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“us” your so fond of is
totally screwed; Maybe for
different reasons, but
totally screwed non-the-less.
ED
Yea, but if it’s the two of
us together we’ll get through
it. I’d bet on it.
DEB
Of course you would! You’re
an idiot. We are not getting
through this. What would
make you think that!
ED
Because, Deb, people are way
tougher than you give them
credit for. You’re way
tougher that you think.
DEBYou’ve been watching too many
action movies.
ED
(gets up and paces)
No. No, you’re wrong. When
I was in Bosnia I saw
families putting their lives
back together after the most
horrific things you couldimagine had happened to them.
DEB
More war stories…
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ED
(turns to her - angrily)
I love you, Deb. I can’t
help it, I do. But you are
one pampered spoiled brat.(pause)
I don’t mind your wanting a
good job or a good life. I
have seen how hard you can
work. But… but you have no
idea what other people in
this world go through just to
live.
DEB
(louder)
Right! Now thanks to you Ican experience these things
first hand, rejection and
poverty and all that goes
with it. Damn, I’ll be a
poor convicts wife.
(pause)
Sounds like a plot for a bad
movie.
(pause)
DEB
And what makes you think I’m
so spoiled? You don’t think
I have a right to a better
life?
ED
You can’t appreciate the life
you have. My sergeant and I
were once served a dinner of
cabbage soup by a mother with
two daughters who had been
gang raped the day before
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because she was from the
wrong clan…
(pause)
You could make a case that
she had a right to a better
life… And she was serving us…
DEB
My God. You never told me
anything like that before,
all your buddies ever
talked about was their
drinking and parties and
stuff…
EDThat’s a little over the top
I know… I’m sorry…
They sit quietly.
ED
I know you’re worried about
losing your job but you
didn’t have the only para-legal job in the city? I’ll
bet there is any number of
firms that would hire you.
DEB
After what you did?
ED
It was me that did it.
DEB
You know what I mean.
ED
Yes… I think I do. You had a
taste of honey without
climbing the tree. So you
want some more and it’s gone.
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DEB
That doesn’t make any sense.
EDYou met the Attorney General,
remember? You had a taste of
the high life because you’re
very attractive and you let
that weasel of a boss take
full advantage of you.
(pause)
Some of those perks are gone
for good…
DEB
I worked hard. I earned some
of that!
ED
Yea, on your back. There’s
other words for that.
Deb again uses her favorite finger gesture.
ED
A lot of people work hard and
are good at what they do.
And one hell of a lot of them
work for a boss that wouldn’t
waste piss on them if they
were on fire.
DEB
You’re so gross.
(pause)
You think it’s all looks?
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Doesn’t matter what kind of
job I did?
ED
I don’t know, Deb. I can’t
imagine what it would be like
to be an attractive woman
working around powerful men.
Men can’t separate that out…
DEB
You’re saying that if a woman
is attractive men can’t
ignore that in the workplace?
ED
Hell no they can’t ignore it,
unless they are gay or
something. They may act like
it’s not a factor but you can
bet it is…
(pause)
In your case some of the men
were just very friendly, but
one was a predator.
DEB
Not every man has the benefit
of working in a machine shop,
where you can inform his
character. I’ll bet there
are some men who can actually
do the impossible and work
with good looking women.
EDYea, switch hitters and child
molesters! Get real.
DEB
Damn you, that’s the kind of
attitude that drives me
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crazy. You think everybody
is like you. There is a
whole world of sophisticated
people working with each
other every day and doing
just fine.
(pause)
I guess you wouldn’t see any
of that in a garage.
ED
You know what I like about
machinery, Deb?
DEB
Dare I ask?
ED
A machine won’t lie to you.
It won’t pretend it’s fixed
if it’s not. People like you
work with can have a meeting
and decide something is what
it’s not. Or even worse they
can decide that their
billable hours should bedouble what they really were.
Deb gets up and starts cleaning up after them.
DEB
Excuse me, but I’ve heard
this one before.
Deb goes to cleaning up and for the moment ignores Ed.
ED
That lawyer you got for me
said there is a chance this
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could blow over… Maybe I
could get probation… not have
to actually go to jail. I
could keep working…
DEB
Maybe. He knows a lot of
people. A good word from him
would help. But I’m telling
you right now that these guys
don’t turn on each other. If
Stuart goes after you… I
don’t know…
EDAt least you should be okay.
DEB
(agitated)
You don’t see it do you! You
don’t see it at all! I can’t
go to any law firm in the
city without being a
laughingstock.
Deb picks up her soft drink and hurls it into the sink.
This isn’t going to work…
Your plan… Your job… The
whole damn thing! I think
you should leave! I… I
don’t know what to do now!
Ed moves to console her but she pushes him away.
ED(angry)
Fine. I’ll leave in the
morning.
(pause)
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ED
I don’t know what you want
either. If you want your oldjob back…
(pause)
Can’t you see that you were
already a laughingstock! You
are trying to do a good job
but every one in the office
knows that your boss, who is
a known skirt chaser, is
banging you like a cheap
drum.
(pause)
Any of us can get blind-
sided. I’ve been ripped off…
you can’t do business and not
get whacked every now and
then.
DEB
(sobbing)
But it’s so personal. Why
did he have to do… to do that?
ED
Don’t shed any tears for that
low-life! I told you he was
just a predator. There are a
lot of them out there.
DEBI’m not that naive. You talk
like I’m a child…
ED
Well, since I’m on the way
out the only thing I can tell
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you is that you need to grow
up! And might I suggest you
hurry.
DEB
Shut-up! You think you’re so
smart.
ED
I was smart enough to see
that you were in a no-win
situation… And dumb enough
to try and help. That’s what
being smart got me!
(pause)
Damn it Deb, there are bad
people out there. Evil
people dressed in fine suits
and making a lot of money,
but they are evil all the
same. They’ll shred your
marriage, steal your 401k’s,
and smile while they’re doing
it.
(pause)
And you know the real kicker…the pathetic part? You still
want in.
(pause)
After all is said and done,
after you see what it did to
me and to you… you’re sorry
you can’t go back.
(pause)
I should have shot that
bastard and applied for a
commendation!
DEB
(softly)
That’s… that’s your answer to
everything. How are you any
better?
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ED
Because I don’t really do it,
Deb. I didn’t take his life…
I don’t steal from my
customers or bill them for
work I didn’t do. Sure I get
angry…
(pause)
I didn’t steal his damn wife!
DEB
You can’t lay that all on
him. I went along with it –
God help me. I just
couldn’t… It was like I
couldn’t help myself…
EDI know, Deb, I know. It is
seductive. I sat here night
after night so angry… But
then the more I thought about
it, the more I could see how
alluring it must be. I mean…
Our marriage grown so stale
and suddenly you get the
princess treatment… The real
deal.
DEB
It doesn’t seem so wrong – to
want that kind of life. It
is so exciting…
ED
But you only saw the good
part, and that’s what he used
for bait.
(pause)
Look, I don’t know this guy,
other than to put a gun to
his head, but you can bet
that, like all of us, he has
more problems than a run-over
dog. I mean, he must not
like his home life either…
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DEB
He was unhappy a lot of the
time. You’re right about
that. Sometimes, toward the
end, after we were… after wewere together he was distant…
like I wasn’t there… No more
conversation. I… I started
to feel dirty. I’m not sure
of anything now.
ED
I can be here for you, Deb.But you have to want it. You
have to want it like you
never wanted anything in your
life.
DEB
I… I don’t see how we can go
back.
ED
No. No, we can’t go back,
Deb. I won’t go back. We go
forward.
DEB
What does that mean… We are
still the same people…
EDNot even close. I sat here
in this dark apartment for so
many nights… I won’t ever
revisit that, not for anyone!
(pause)
I came up with my silly plan
because I had to do something
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besides give up. I decided
the only thing I could do was
to court you and win you back
– or walk away.
DEB
I got that part…
ED
Okay. So what do I do? Here
I stand, at your service.
Ed picks up a broom from the corner and throws it up on
his shoulder like a rifle and jumps to attention.
DEB
You look silly. I just
don’t…
ED
You have to decide. And you
have to do it now, Deb. Do Icontinue the courtship… or do
I walk?
DEB
I… I don’t want to hurt you…
ED
Hurt me, Deb! Oh hurt me,
Deb!
(pause)
Ed points the broom at her like it was a rifle.
But make no mistake, Deb, if
I walk away it’s over. I
won’t be back. I’m at peace
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ED
That’s what we missed the
first time, Deb. The
courtship shouldn’t be over.
It continues… It goes on.It ends when one of us dies…
That’s the vow that we took
when we had that fancy church
wedding.
DEB
Does anyone take that
seriously any more?
ED
I did. And I do now. I want
you to live up to it now… If
you can!
DEB
I can’t do this now. I’m all
confused and I don’t know how
things will shake out. I… I
can’t make a commitment like
that now…
ED
You’re sure? You don’t want
the courtship to continue?
Is that what you’re saying?
DEBThat sounds goofy, when you
say it out loud. I don’t
want this courtship, or
whatever it is, to continue
the way it’s been.
(pause)
I… I don’t know what’s going
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to happen but no silly stupid
courtship is going to solve
it! My God that’s so
childish…
ED
Think so? I’ll bet there are
a lot of women out there who
would love to be courted…
Long term even… To be loved
the way I love you…
Ed puts the broom down and stands by the window looking
out.
I don’t care if it’s childish
or stupid. You want
sophistication… I hope you
get it. And when you get it
I sincerely hope it’s enough!
DEB
Maybe some day I will be able
to appreciate your… what
shall I call it… your point
of view. Maybe there aregirls out there who would
like to be courted like in
some fairy tale… I just
don’t think right now I’m
ready to give up on… other
things.
EDIn that case, Deb, I don’t
see any reason to stay. I’ll
crash on the couch and in the
morning I’ll leave.
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DEB
That’s not necessary. You
can stay here while we get
everything taken care of.
ED
No. No I can’t. I’ve
survived these last months
because I was finally able to
take action instead of
feeling sorry for myself.
There were only two choices;
I would court you and it
would work or it wouldn’t.
(softly)You’re telling me now it
didn’t work. Is that right?
DEB
(shaking her head)
It’s not fair… to put it on
me like this. I can’t say
yes or no to such a
complicated situation…
ED
Ahh, but you can… not making
a choice is a decision.
(pause)
Okay, I’ll make it simple for
you… The courtship is over.
Are you okay with that.
DEB
I… I think I am.(pause)
DEB
I have feelings for you but
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after all we’ve been through
I can’t say that there can be
that kind of… that kind of
relationship again.
EDOkay, Deb, that’s what I need
to know. I’ll leave in the
morning and get my stuff out
as soon as I can.
DEB
Where will you stay?
ED
I’ve got room for a cot inthe office at the shop.
There’s a small ‘fridge and
bathroom.
DEB
I… I feel bad that it comes
down to this. I wish…
ED
Don’t say any more, Deb. I
know what I have to do now.(pause)
It’s over between us.
There’s no going back.
DEB
I don’t… We can still be
friends? I wouldn’t…
EDYea, Deb, I think we can
manage that. But not close
friends… not now anyway.
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DEB
(softly sobbing)
We were a good match for a
while… I’m sorry, I really
am…
ED
(irritated)
Give it a rest. You’re
making a mistake and I can’t
stop it… I guess I’m sorry
too…
DEB
You’re angry?
ED
Disappointed. I thought… I
thought you could make a
commitment…
DEB
I could commit… I could if I
felt the time or situationwas right…
ED
You make sheltered
commitments. You want your
life to be like a
smorgasbord.
(pause)
You want to walk down the
table of your life and pickand choose which dishes you
want to sample.
(pause)
You sampled me and I wasn’t
exotic enough. You sampled
your boss and that turned
sour on you. No body gets it
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all… If that’s what your
looking for you’ll always be
adrift.
DEB
I am adrift. And you’re nothelping.
ED
I could have, Deb. I could
have. And there’s the
tragedy of it.
Ed goes to the hall shelf and gets a blanket and flops
down on the sofa.
ED
I won’t bother you… I’ll be
out of here early.