The Compleat Wrks of Wllm ShksprReduced Shakespeare Company

Adapted & Performed by Stagefright&Panic Inc

Chamat : Good evening Ladies & gentlemen

Anu : Good evening (In a very loud voice)

Chamat : And welcome to the Lionel Wendt theatre and tonight’s performance of the Compleat works of William Shakespeare by Stagefright&panic. I have a few brief announcements to make before we get underway. The use of flash photography and the recording of this show by any means, audio and video, is strictly prohibited. Also, please refrain from eating, drinking or smoking - anything – during the performance. For your convenience, toilets are located in the lobby. Also, please take a moment now to locate the exit nearest your seat.

Ifaz : I think we might need to use those exits pretty soon…

Anu : Pretty soon indeed. Pretty soon.

Chamat : Rather vocal section of the audience (nervous laugh) Ladies & Gentlemen should the theatre experience a sudden loss of air presure, oxygen masks will drop down automatically. Simply place the mask over your nose and mouth and continue to breathe normally. If you are at the theatre with a small child, please place your own mask on first, and let the little bugger fend for himself. At this time, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Chamat Arambewela of Stagefright&Panic and tonight we are going to attempt a feat which we believe to be unprecendented in the history of theatre in Sri Lanka. That is, to capture, in a single theatrical experience, the magic, the genius, the towering grandeur of “The Complete Works of William Shakespeare’.

Anu : Wasn’t this show done before?

Chamat : Yes, I was coming to that. We do know that this show was done in 2001 and we decided to stage the tenth year anniversary show..

Ifaz : ELEVEN years after the original show?

Chamat : Yes…

Ifaz : So you are doing the tenth year anniversary show on the 11th year?

Chamat : Yes, actually we spent a YEAR rehearsing for this show. Which, I must add, if the original actors had done we would not even have bothered with the repeat show. So, if there are any audience members who saw the original show, all I have to say is “sorry and I hope this performance makes up for it”

A/F : Oooooh he is being sarcky. Ooooh Shhhhhh..Shhhhhhhh

Chamat : Now we have a lot to get through tonight, so at this time I would like to introduce a member of the company who is one of Colombo’s pre-eminent Shakespearean scholars. He has a bachelors degree from the University of sazzmerazzz where I believe he read two books about William Shakespeare. He is here tonight to provide a brief preface to the complete works of william shakespeare – abridged. Please welcome me in joining… (grimaces)

A/F : (Over the top laughter) Nervousness is creeping in…

Chamat : Mr. Dominic Kellar.

Dominic : Thank you Chamat and good evening Ladies & gentlemen. William Shakespeare: playwright, poet, actor, philosopher; a man whose creative and literary genius have had an immeasurably profound influence upon the consciousness and culture of the entire englsih-speaking world.

Anu : What a bad accent. Excuse me did you have a run in with a tourist bus?

Dominic : I beg your pardon?

Ifaz : My friend was wondering from where you got that fake accent.

Anu : It’s clear he is trying to hide his inability to act behind the accent.

Ifaz : Very clear.

Chamat : We apologize for this interruption. We are now reliably informed that those members were in fact part of the original cast which performed this show and cannot come to terms with the fact that they have indeed been replaced by better actors.

Ifaz : Ha? Where are these ‘better actors”? Hiding backstage?

Chamat : Can the front of house crew kindly remove those audience members from the auditorium?

Anu : Ha. There is no need to remove us. We moved thither and we shall remove ourselves.

Ifaz : Why? Are we removable?

Anu : What’s a removable?

Ifaz : A joint stool!

Anu : Thou hast hit it. Wilt thou leave?

Ifaz : Aye, this is too waspish. I shall show him my tail

Anu : And I, my tongue.

Ifaz : Come, my friend, let us away. I do fear our enemies approach us.

Anu : So, they cry havoc and unleash the dogs of war! Let them come, I myself shall take down twenty of them.

Ifaz : We leave and if we be friends, do not endure this torture!

Anu : This madness will overtake us all!

A/F : Mr. Kellar, now THAT is Shakespeare!

Ifaz : Run, run..

Anu : Farewell friends, till we meet again.

Chamat : Dominic, please continue.

Dominic : Thank you. And yet, how much do we, the inhabitants of the twenty first century really know and appreciate the tremendous body of work contained in this single volume? Too little, I would argue. I believe I could illustrate my point by conduction a brief poll here. Can I have the house lights for a moment please? Now, you are a theatre going crowd, no doubt of above-average cultural and literary awareness and yet if I may have a brief show of hands, how many of you here tonight have ever seen or read any play by William Shakespeare? Any contact with the bard, just raise your hands…oh, that many. I was hoping for a fewer people. Excuse me. (Confers Sotto Voce with Chamat) Machang looks like they know more than we do.

Chamat : Don’t worry about it.

Dominic : I am telling you, they look educated. Better run now.

Chamat : They don’t know Shakespeare from Jack Shit plus we run now those two will be outside to mock us. Is that what you want?

Dominic : No. What should I do?

Chamat : Narrow it down.

Dominic : (Puzzled) What???

Chamat : Just do it.

Dominic : Ok. Right lets see if we can marrow it down…

Chamat : Narrow… (Makes gesture)

Dominic : Yes yes. Let’s NARROW it down a little shall we? How many of you have seen or read, let’s say “All’s well that end’s well”? Yes that seems to be separating the wheat from the chaff rather nicely. Let’s see who the true Shakespeare trivia champs are tonight. Has anybody ever seen or read “King John?” ‘King John’ anyone?

(Gehan raises his hand)

Dominic : You have, really? Would you mind telling us what it’s about?

Gehan : It’s about a hunchback.

Dominic : This is exactly what I am talking about. (Goes up to an audience member close to Gehan) Oh right, you laugh, ladies and gentlemen, you scoff, but let he among you who is free from sin live in a glass house! For that face, ladies and gentlemen, that face represents all your faces. That empty brain represents your empty brains. Those glazed eyes are your glazed eyes, these teeth are your teeth and they cry out ‘brush me!’ Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you (Pause. He has forgotten the words. Gets a prompt) I submit to you that our society’s collective capacity to comprehend - much less attain - the genius of a William Shakespeare has been systematically compromised by computers, vandalised by facebook, saturated with twitter and sms chats and dealt its death blow by Justin Bieber! But have no fear, Stagefrightandpanic is here. (Dominic becomes a fire and brimstone evangelist) We descend among you on a mission from God and the literary muse, to spread the holy word of the Bard to the masses. To help you take those first halting steps out of the twentieth century quagmire and into the future! A glorious future! A future where this book (holds aloft the Complete works) will be found in every hotel room in the world! This is my dream ladies and gentlemen and it begins here, tonight. Join us in taking those first steps down the path toward the brave new world of intellectual redemption by opening you hearts. Yes, please open your hearts – and your wallets. Or simply phone in your donations by dialing 0777 – THE BARD right now. Give us your cash, if we be friends, and deduct it when the tax year ends! On with the show and may the Bard be with you! Thank you and Hallelujah!

Chamat : Those of you who own a copy of this book know that no collection is complete without a brief biography of the life of William Shakespeare. Providing this portion of the show will be the third member of Stagefrightandpanic. Please welcome to the stage Mr. Gehan Blok.

(As Chamat bows he stertches his hands and knocks a stack of cue cards from Gehan’s hand)

Chamat : Ooops sorry, let me help you.

Gehan : (Irritated) No, don’t touch them. They go in an order.

Chamat : Okay okay.

Gehan : (Tries to get the cards in order) I’ve just been taking a few notes on Shakespeare’s life so we could get the show off to a good start, so you could know the stuff he did and everything…

Chamat : Get on with it!

Gehan : Okay okay. (He is still trying to put the cards in order) William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare was born in 1564 in the town of Startford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire. The thrid of eight children, he was the eldest son of John Shakespeare, a locally prominent merchant and Mary Arden, daughter of a Roman…(Flips to the next card) …Catholic member of the landed gentry. In 1582 he married Anne Hathaway, a farmer’s daughter. He is supposed to have left Startford after he was caught poaching in the deer park of a local justice of the peace. (Next card) Shakespeare arrived in London in 1588. By 1592, he had achieved success as an actor and a playwright. After 1608 his dramatic production lessened and it seems he spent more time in Stratford. (Next card) There he dictated to his secretary Rudolf Hess the work “Mein Kampf’ in which he set forth his program for the restoration of Germany to a dominant position in Europe. After reoccupying the Rhineland zone between France and Germany and annexing Austria, the Sudetenland and the remainder of Czechoslovakia (Next

card) he invaded Poland on the 1st of September 1939 thus precipitating World War 2. (To Chamat) I didn’t know that. (Reading next card) He remained in Berlin when the Russians entered the city and committed suicide with his mistress Eva Braun. (Next card) Shakespeare lies buried in the church at Stratford. Thank you.

Chamat : Now without further ado, Stagefrightandpanic is proud to prevent the Complete works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)

Dominic : “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts” One man in his time plays many parts. How true, Ladies and Gentlemen, where better to begin our exploration of the complete works of the greatest of all English playwrights than in Verona, Italy – with two of his most beloved characters, Romeo and Juliet.

Now, Gehan and Chamat will be attempting to portray all of the major character roles in “Romeo and Juliet” while I fill in with bits of narration. After extensive textual research and analysis, we of Stagefrightandpanic have decided to begin our abbeviated version of Romeo and Juliet with…the prologue.

C&G : “Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new mutiny. Where civil blood makes civil hands unclen. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes, A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life; whose misadventured, piteous o’erthrows, do, with their death, bury their parents strife”

Dominic : Act One Scene One: In the street meet two men tall and handsome, One Benvolio (Gehan enters as Benvolio) and the other named Samson (Chamat enters as Samson). Their hatred fueled by an ancient feud for one serves Capulet and the other Montague….d.

Gehan : (Sings badly) O, I like to rise when the sun she rises early in the morning…

Chamat : (Sings worse) O, I had a little doggie andhis name was Mr. Jiggs, I sent him to the grocery store to fetch a pound of figs..

(They see each other. Make vile faces at each other, when they walk past they smile)

Gehan : Ooooo it’s him. I hate his guts. I sweat to God I’m gonna kill him

Chamat : Oooo it’s him. I hate his family, hate his dog, hate ‘em all.

(They smile and cross again. Chamat bites his thumb. Gehan trips Chamat)

Gehan : Do you bite your thumb at me sir?

Chamat : No, sir but I do bite my thumb.

Gehan : Do you bite your thumb at me sir?

Chamat : No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you sir. But I do bite my thumb. Do you quarrel sir?

Gehan : Quarrel sir? No, Sir.

Chamat : But if you do, sir I am for you. I serve as good a man as you.

Gehan : No better

Chamat : Yes. Better

Gehan : You lie!

(They fly at each other. Massive fight scene. Gehan chases Chamat off stage. Gehan flings stunt dummy of Chamat on stage and starts beating it mercilessly. Chamat enters as the Prince)

Chamat : Rebellious subjects, enemies to the peace. Profaners of this neighbour stained steel. You Capulet shall go along with me. Benvolio, come you this afternoon to know our farther pleasure in this case.

Gehan : Oh where is Romeo? Saw you him today? Right glad I am he was nto at this fray. But see, he comes!

(Chamat makes grand entrance as Romeo, wearing a very silly wig and wistfully smelling a rose)

Gehan : Romeo, he cried. I’ll know his grievance or be much denied. Good morrow coz.

Chamat : Is the day so young?

Gehan : But new struck nine.

Chamat : Ay me. Sad hours seem long.

Gehan : What sadness lenghtens Romeo’s hours.

Chamat : Not having that which, having makes them short.

Gehan : In love?

Chamat : Out.

Gehan : Out of love?

Chamat : Out of her favour where I am in love.

Gehan : Alas that love, so gentle in his view, should be so rough and tyrannous in proof.

Chamat : Alas that love whose view is muffled still, should without eyes see pathways to his will.

Both : O!

Gehan : Go ye to the feast of Capulets. There sups the fair Rosaline whom thou so lovest with all the admired beauties of Verona. Go thither and compare her face with some that I shall show. And I shall make thee think thy swan, a crow. (Exit)

Chamat : I’ll go along, no such sight to be shown, but to rejoice in splendour of my own. (Exit)

Dominic : And so much for scenes one and two. So now to the feast of Capulet, where Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet. And where in a scene of timeless romance, he’ll try to get into Juliet’s pants.

C/Romeo : O, she doth teaches the torches to burn bright. Did my heart love till now? Forswear it sight. For I ne’er saw true beauty ‘til this night. (Taking Juliet’s hand) If I profane with my unworhtiest hand, this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

G/Juliet : Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hands too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this; For saints have hands that Pilgrims’ hands do touch and palm to palm is holy palmers kiss.

C/Romeo : Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

G/Juliet : Ay, pilgrim. Lips that they must use in prayer.

C/Romeo : O, then dear saint, let lips do what hands do.

G/Juliet : Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.

C/Romeo : Then move not, while my prayers effect I take.

G/Juliet : Then from my lips the sin that they have took.

C/Romeo : Sin from my lips? O, trespass sweetly urged. Give me my sin again.

Gehan : I don’t wanna kiss you man

Chamat : It’s in the script

(Gehan knees Chamat in the groin. He crumples to the floor in pain)

G/Juliet : You kiss by the book. Oh, coming mother!

(Gehan looks around, curses under his breath for there is nothing he can use as a balcony, pulls Dominic out of his chair and climbs clumsily onto his shoulders)

C/Romeo : Is she a Capulet? Ay, so I fear. The more is my unrest. (Breaks out of character) What are you doing?

G/Juliet : The balcony scene.

C/Romeo : But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

G/Juliet : (Struggling to keep his balance) O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name, or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet. What’s in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell. O Romeo doff thy name, which is no part of thee, take all of myself. (Plummets from Dominic’s shoulders)

C/Romeo : I take thee at thy word. Call me but love, and I shall be new baptized. Henceforth I shall never be Romeo.

G/Juliet : What man art thou? Art thou not Romeo, and a Montague?

C/Romeo : Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.

G/Juliet : Dost thou love me then? I know thou wilt say aye, and I will take thy word. Yet, if thou swearest, thou mayest prove false. O Romeo, if thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.

C/Romeo : Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear-

G/Juliet : O Swear not by the moon!

C/Romeo : What shall I swear by?

(Juliet points to a woman in the audience)

C/Romeo : Lady, by yonder blessed virgin, I swear-

G/Juliet : No. I don’t think so. No. Do not swear at all. Although I joy in thee, I have no joy of this contract tonight. It is too rash, too sudden, too unadvised, too like the lightening, which doth cease to be ‘ere one can say it lightens. Sweet, good night.

C/Romeo : O Wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

G/Juliet : What satisfaction canst thou have?

C/Romeo :The exchange of thy love’s faithful vows for mine.

G/Juliet : I gave thee mine before thou didst request it. Three words gentle Romeo, and then good night indeed. If thy bent of love be honourable, thy purpose marriage, end word tomorrow. Good night, good night; parting is such sweet sorrow- really it is.

C/Romeo : Sleep dwell upon thy eyes, peace in thy breast. O that I were sleep and peace. So sweet to rest.

Dominic : Lo, Romeo did swoon with love; by Cupid he’d been crippl’t; But Juliet had a loathsome coz, whose loathsome name was Tybalt.

(Gehan enters as Tybalt, snarling, carrying two swords)

G/Tybalt: Romeo, the love I besr thee can afford no better term than this:thou art a villain. Therefore, turn and draw.

C/Romeo : Tybalt, I do protest, I never injured thee, but love thee better than thou canst devise.

G/Tybalt: Thou wretched boy, I am for you!

(Tybalt throws a sword to Romeo. Romeo closes his eyes nd holds the sword, impaling the advancing Tybalt)

G/Tybalt: O, I am slain (Gets up, bows and exits)

(Dominic flips frantically thorugh the pages. Chamat is concerned)

Chamat : Now what do we do?

Dominic : I don’t know. He skipped all this stuff. (Points to a place in the book) Go to here.

Chamat : Okay (exits)

Dominic : So.. from Tybalt’s death onwards, the lovers are cursed, despite the best efforts of friar and nurse; Their fate pursues them, they can’t seem to duck it, and at the end of Act five, they both kick the bucket

(Juliet enters riding an imaginary horse, humming the William Tell overture)

G/Juliet : Gallop apace, you fiery footed steeds, and bring in cloudy night immediately, come civil night! Come night! Come Romeo, thou day in night! Come, gentle night! Come, loving, black browed night! O night night night night.. come come come come come..(To Audience) I didn’t write it. And bring me my Romeo!

(Chamat enters as the nurse)

G/Juliet : O it is my nurse. Now nurse, what news?

C/Nurse : Alack the day, he’s gone, he’s killed, he’s dead!

G/Juliet : Can heaven be so envious?

C/Nurse : Romeo, Romeo! Who ever would have thought it? Romeo!

G/Juliet : What devil art thou to torment me thus? This torture should be roared in dismal hell. Hath Romeo slain himself?

C/Nurse : I saw the wound. I saw it with mine own eyes-God save the mark- here in his manly breast. Men are all dissemblers, they take things apart and reassemble them- I don’t know what a dissembler is.

G/Juliet : Oh no! He’s dead! He’s gone, he’s killed, he’s dead. O break my heart! Poor bankrupt break at once. To prison eyes, never look on liberty. Vile earth to earth resign, end motion here, And thou and Romeo…I need a beer!

C/Nurse : O, Tybalt was the best friend I ever had. That ever I should live to see thee murdered!

G/Juliet : Is Romeo slaughteredand is Tybalt dead? My dear loved cousin and my dearer love? The dreadful trumpets sound the general doom.

Dominic : General doom is a licensed character of Adventuretime Comics. Used with prior permission.

C/Nurse : No, Juliet, no! No! Tybalt is gone and Romeo banished. Romeo that killed Tybalt, he is banished!

G/Juliet : O God! Did Romeo’s hand shed Tybalt’s blood?

C/Nurse : It did, it did, alas the day it did.

(Both sob and scream hysterically, finally picking up mugs and throwing water in each other’s faces)

G/Juliet and C/Nurse (Bowing) : Thank you. (C/Nurse exits)

G/Juliet : Now Romeo lives, whom Tybalt would have slain. Well, that’s good isn’t it? And Tybalt is dead who would have killed my husband. Well, that’s good isn’t it? So why do I feel like poo-poo?

(Chamat enters as Friar Laurence)

G/Juliet : O, Friar Laurence! Romeo is banished and Tybalt is slain and…

C/Friar : Juliet, I already know thy grief. Take thou this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou off. And presently through all thy bveins shall run a cold and drowsy humour.

G/Juliet : (Drinks) O, I feel a cold and drowsy humour running through my veins.

C/Friar : See, I told you so.

(Friar exits. Juliet begins to convulse , vomits on several people in the front row and finally flips over, unconscious. Romeo enters. He sees Juliet and rushes to her prone body, accidentally stepping on her crotch while doing so)

C/Romeo : O no! My love, wy wife! Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath no power yet upon thy beauty. O Juliet, why art thou yet so fair? Shall I belive that unsubstantial death is amorous, to keep thee here in the dark to be his paramour? Here’s to my love/ (He drinks from a poison bottle) O true apothecary, thy drugs are quick. Thus, with a kiss, I die…

(This time it is Chamat who has no wish to kiss Gehan. He struggles with this problem for a moment, take several swigs of the bottle and finally kisses him)

C/Romeo : Thus with a kiss I die.

(Romeo dies dramatically. Juliet wakes up, stretches, scratches her butt and looks around)

G/Juliet : Good morning. Where, O where is my love? (Sees Romeo and screams) What’s this? A cup, closed in my true love’s hand? Mendis? POISON I see hath been his timeless end. O Churl. Drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! This is thy sheath.

(Juliet unsheaths Romeo’s dagger and does a doubletake; the blade is tiny)

G/Juliet : That’s Romeo for you.

(Juliet stabs herself. She screams, but to her surprise, she does not die. She looks for a wound. The blade is made of cardboard. This is a cause for much joy. She starts stabbning herslef in most grotesque fashion making mane death noises. Finally she flings the dagger to the ground)

G/Juliet : There rust and let me die! The end!

(Gehan and Chamat rise and take a bow. Dominic fethces a guitar and throws it to Gehan)

Dominic : Epilogue!

Chamat : A glooming peace this morning with it brings; The sun for sorrow will not show it’s head; go forth and have more talk of these sad things; Some shall be pardoned, and some punished; For never was there a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

All : (Sing to the tune of sweet child) Romeo and Juliet are dead!

Dominic : Thank you Colombo and good night!

Chamat : Ladies and gentlemen, in preparing this unprecedented show ‘complete works’ show we have encountered this problem: how to make these 400 year old plays accessible to a modern audience. One popular trend is to take Shakespeare’s plays and transpose them into modern setting. Wehave see evidence of this with Shakespeare’s plays set in such unusual locations as the lunar landscape and Nazi concentration camps. In this vein, Dom has traced the roots of Shakeapeare’s symbolism in the context of a pre-Nietzschean society through the totality of a jejune circular relationship of form, contrasted with a complete otherness of metaphysical cosmologies, and the ethical mores entrenched in the collective subconscious of an agrarian race. So now we present Shakespeare’s first tragedy Titus Andronicus, as a cooking show.

(Dominic enters as Titus Andronicus, wearing an apron and carrying a large butcher’s knife)

D/Titus : good evening everyone! Good evening Gore-mets and welcome to Roman Meals. I am your host, Titus Androgynous. Now when you’ve hand a long day – your left hand chopped off, your sons murdered, your daughter raped, her tongue cut out, and both her hands chopped off – well the last thing you want to do is cook. Unless of course you cook the rapist and serve him to his mother at a dinner party! My daughter Lavinia and I will show you how.

(Gehan enters as Lavinia clutching a large mixing bowl held between her stumps pushing Chamat who is the rapist in front of her)

D/Titus : Good evening Lavinia

G/Lavinia : Ood eebeie, mubba

D/Titus : And how are we feeling today?

G/Lavinia : Oy so ood mubba. I ot my ongue tsopped off.

D/Titus : I know. It’s a pisser isn’t it? But we’ll get our revenge, won’t we? Now hark, villain. I will grind your bones to dust, and of your blood and it I will make a paste; And of that paste a coffin I will rear and make a pasty of your shameful head. Come Lavinia, receive the blood” First of all we want to make a nice, clean incision from carotid artery to jugular vein (slicing Rapists throat) like so.

Rapist : Aaaaaarggggghhhh!

G/Lavinia : Yecchhh. That’s weally gwoss, mubba.

D/Titus : Be sure to use a big bowl for this because the human body has about four quarts of blood in it! And when he is dead, which should be…

(Lavinia has dragged the rapist to the doorway where we se ethe butchers knife rise and fall. Rapist’s body convulses once and is dragged away)

D/Titus : Right about now. Let me go grind his bones to powder small and with this hateful liquor temper it; and in that paste let his vile head be baked…at about 350 degrees. And 40 minutes later, you have the loveliest human head pie…

(Lavinia re-enters with a really disgusting pie, prepared earlier)

D/Titus : Fit to serve a king (Pulling a severed hand from the pie) with lady fingers for dessert! Now who will be the first to try this delicious taste treat? (Offers pie to audience members) Welcome

gracious lord. Welcome, dread queen. Will’t please you eat? Will’t please you feed? It’s finger licking good! (Very pleased with this line and try to give each other high fives) Well, we are just about out of time everyone. Thanks fo rtuning in, and be sure to watch next week, when our guest chef Timon of Athens will teach us how to make ratatouille out of our special guests, the merry wives of Windsor! Until then…

D/Titus and G/Lavinia : Bone Apetite!

(Dominic and Gehan Exit. Chamat Enters)

Chamat : I hope no one was too offended by Titus Andronicus. Shakespeare as a young writer seems to have gone through and early blood and guts period. No doubt if he were alive today he’d be in Hollywood working on Titus Andronicus IX – Just desserts! But we shall now move on to explore the genius evident in Shakespeare’s more mature plays, as we present his dark and brooding tragedy “Othello – the Moor of Venice”

(Chamat Exits. Gehan enters as Othello with plastic boats draped around his neck)

G/Othello : Speak of me as I am; let nothing extenuate of one who loved not wisely, but too well: For never was there a story of more woe than this of Othello and his Desdemono (He stabs himself with a boat) O, Desi! (He dies, dramatically arranging the boats around him)

(Chamat and Dominic enter in distress. They confer briefly)

Chamat : Bob, can we have the lights please. We left Gehan on his own to research this play. He must have looked up Moor in the dictionary and thought it was a place where you tie up boats.

Dominic : Which in this context is totally pea-brained. In the sixteenth century the word ‘moor’ referred to a black person.

Gehan : Oh. I feel like such a dork.

Dominic : Now ladies and gentlemen we obviously have a little problem in performing Othello for you because we don’t know any of the words of the play..

Gehan : Guys, we know the story. Othello, Black man, white woman.. Where do black men come from?

Dominic : Africa!

Gehan : And what are the 3 most important things Africa gave the world?

Dominic and Chamat : Barack Obama, Usain Bolt and Rap Music!

Gehan : Exactly! Gimme a beat guys…(Rap Music starts)

Here’s the story of a brother by the name of OthelloHe Liked White women and liked green jello

Dominic : (Catching on and quite excited about the fact) Oh yeah, oh yeah. Uh…

And a punk named Iago who made hisself a menace ‘Cos he didn’t like Othello, the Moor of Venice

Gehan : Now Othello got married to Des-demona

Dominic : But he took off for the wars and left her alone-a

Gehan : It was a moan-a

Dominic : A groan-a

Both : He left her alone-a

Chamat : (Catches on and joins in) He didn’t write a letter and he didn’t telephone-a!

All : (Sing different lines. Only Chorus together)Desdemona, she was faithful, she was chastity tightShe was the daughter of a duke

Yeah she was totally whiteBut Iago had a plan that was clever and slickHe was craftyHe was slyHe was sort of a dickHe say “I’m gonna shaft the moor”How you gonna do it?Tell us!Well I know his tragic flaw is that he’sToo damn jealousI need a dupe I need a dopeI neeeeeeeed a kind of a shmoeSo he find a chump sucker by the name of CassioAnd he plants on him Desdemona’s handkerchief

Wether you’re poor or wether you’re a moorYou’re staying alive staying alive X2

So Othello gets to wondering just maybe if..While he been out fightingCommanding an armyAre Desi and Cas playing hide the salamiSa-sa-sa-sa salamiSalaaaaaaaamiSo he come back home and stick a pillow in his faceKills her and soliloquzes about his disgarceBut there’s Emilia at the doorWho we met in Act fourWho say, ‘ You big dummy, she weren’t no whoreShe was PureShe was clean

She was Virginal tooSo why’d you have to go and make her face turn blue?It’s true It’s youNow what you gonna do?And Othello sayYo this is getting pretty scarySo he pulled out his blade and committed hari kariWe really don’t remember the rest of the playSo put your hands together and join us as we say

Wether you’re poor or wether you’re a moorYou’re staying alive staying alive X2

All : Africa!

Chamat : Why don’t we take a break from all this heavy tragedy and move onto the comedies for awhile?

Dominic and Gehan : Comedies! Yeah great. Comedies, okay (They exit)

Chamat : Now, when it came to comedies, Shakespeare was a genius at borrowing and adpating plot devices from different theatrical traditions.

Dominic : That’s right. These influences include the Roman plays of Plautus and Terence, Ovid’s ‘Metamorphoses’ which are hysterically funny – NOT – as well as the rich italian tradition of the Commedia Dell’arte.

Gehan : Yeah. Basically, Shakespeare stole evrything he ever wrote.

Dominic : Stole is kind strong, dude. ‘Distilled’ maybe.

Gehan : Well, then he ‘distilled’ the three or four funniest gimmicks of his time, and then he milked them into sixteen plays.

Chamat : You see, essentially Shakespeare was a formula writer. Once he found a device that worked, he used it…

ALL : Over and over again.

Chamat : So, Mr. Shakespeare, the question we have is this:

Gehan : Why did you write sixteen comedies when you could have written just one?

Dominic : In answer to this question, we have taken the liberty of condensing all sixteen of shakespeare’s comedies, into a single play which we have entitled ‘The Comedy of two well measured gentlemen lost in the merry wives of Venice on a Midsummer’s twelfth night in winter’

Gehan : Or..

Chamat : Cymbeline taming Pericles the merchant in the Tempest of love as much as you like it for nothing’

Gehan : Or…

ALL : The Love Boat goes to Verona

Gehan : Comedy?

Dominic : Comedy.

Chamat : Comedy.

Chamat & Gehan after discussion and debate decide to do it Bollywood style. Much to Dominic’s disgust.

Chamat : Act One. A Spanish duke swears an oath of celibacy and turns the rule of his kingdom to his sadistic and tyrannical twin brother. He learns some fantastical feats of magic and sets sail for the golden age of Greece, along with his daughters, three beautiful and virginal sets of identical twins. While rounding the heel of Italy, the duke’s ship is caught in a terrible tempest, which in its’ fury, casts the duke up on a desert island, along woith the loveliest and most virginal of his daughters, who stumbles into a cave, where she is molested by a creature who is either a man or a fish or both.

Gehan : Act two. The long lost children of the duke’s brother, also coincidentally three sets of identical twins, have jusy arrived in Italy. Though still possesed of an inner nobility, they are ragged, destitute, penniless, flea infested shadows of the men they once were, and in the utmost extremity, are forced to borrow money from an old Jew, who deceives them into putting down their brains as collateral on the loan. Meanwhile, the six brothers fall in love with six italian sisters, three of whom are contentious, sharp-tongued little shrews, while the other three are submissive, air-headed little bimbos.

Dominic : Act three. The shipwrecked identical daughters of the duke wash up on the shores of Italy, disguise themselves as men, and become pages to the shrews, and matchmakers to the Duke’s brother’s sons. They lead all the lovers into a nearby forest, where on a midsummer’s night, a bunch of mischievous fairies squeeze the aphroditic juice of a hermaphroditic flower in the shrews’ eyes, causing them to fall in love with their own pages, who in turn have fallen in love with the Duke’s brothers’ sons, while the ‘queen’ of the fairies seduces a jackass, and they all have a lovely bisexual animalistic orgy.

All : Act four!

Chamat : The elderly fathers of the Italian sisters, finding their daughters missing, dispatch messages to the pages, telling them to kill any man in the vicinity.

Gehan : However, unable to find men in the forest, the faithful messengers, in a final misguided act of loyalty, deliver the messages to each other and kill themselves.

Dominic : Meanwhile the fish creature and the duke arrive in the forest disguised as Russians and for no apparent reason perform a two-man underwater version of ‘Uncle Vanya’

All : Act five!

Chamat : The duke commands the fairies to right their wrongs.

Gehan : The pages and the bimbos get into a knock-down drag-out fight in the mud..

Dominic : During which the pages’ clothes get ripped off, revealing female genitalia!

Chamat : The duke recognizes his daughters!

Gehan : The duke’s brothers’ sons recognize their uncle…

Dominic : And they all get married and go out to dinner!

Gehan : Except for a minor character in the second act who gets eaten by a bear, and the duke’s brothers’ sons who, unable to pay back the old Jew, give themselves lobotomies.

All : And they all lived happily ever after.

All bow and Chamat and Dominic Exit

Gehan : We now move onto the rest of Shakepeare’s tragedies, because basically we’ve found that the comedies aren’t half as funny as the tragedies. Take for example, Shakespeare’s Scottich play, ‘Mac-

Chamat and Dominic re-enter frantically

Chamat : Do not talk about it in here!

Gehan : Oh gosh, sorry I forgot.

Dominic : It is cursed, now we have to exorcise the demons.

Massive ritual. Gehan and Dominic exit.

Chamat : Fortunately however, we of Stagefrightandpanic not only perform an abbreviated version of ‘Macbeth- but after much thorough research, we are able to do so…

Gehan enters with Chamat’s witch costume and trips and falls.

Gehan and Chamat : In perfect Scottish accents!

Chamat dons the costume, Gehan exits.

C/Witch : Double double toil and trouble.

Dominic enters as Macbeth with a sword. He speaks in a nearly impenetrable scottish accent

D/Macbeth: Stay, ye imperrrfect Macspeaker. Mactell me macmore.

C/Witch : Macbeth, Macbeth beware Macduff. None of woman born shall harm Macbeth till Birnam wood come to Dunsinane, don’t ye know.

Chamat exits. Gehan enters as Macduff, hiding behind a twig.

D/Macbeth: O, that’s dead great. Then macwhat macneed macI macfear of Macduff?

Macduff throws down his disguise wields his sword and does a rude gesture at Macbeth

G/Macduff : See you Jimmy, and know that I was from my mother’s womb untimely ripped! What d’ye think about that?

D/Macbeth: It’s bloody disgusting. Lay on, ye great haggis face.

They fight.

G/Macduff : Ah, Macbeth! Ye killed my wife, ye murdered my babies, ye shat in my stew.

D/Macbeth: Och! I didnae!

G/Macduff : O ay, ye did. I had t’ throw half of it away.

Macduff chases Macbeth off stage. Backstage Macbeth’s scream is abruptly cut off. Macduff enters carrying severed head.

G/Macduff : Behold where lies the usuurper’s cursed head. Macbeth, yer arse is out the windie. And know, that there never was a story of blood and death, than this of Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth. Thankee. (Exits)

Dominic : Meanwhile, Julius Caesar was a much beloved tyrant

Gehan enters.

D/G : All hail Julius Caesar.

Chamat enters as Julius Caesar wearing a laurel wreath

Gehan pulls a cloak over his head and becomes a soothsayer

G/Sooth : Beware the ides of March

Dominic : The great Caesar, however, chose to ignore the warning.

C/Caesar : What the hell are the Ides of March?

G/Sooth : The 15th of March

C/Caesar : Why that’s today.

Dominic : This is exactly the point in history when the course of the Roman Empire was changed. Fortunately for you, our audience, we have, through extensive research and intensive practice managed to find and rehearse the exact conversation that took lace between Julius Caesar and Brutus moments before the assassination. Now, Chamat who is playing Caesar and Gehan who is playing Brutus will recreate in perfect Latin that very same conversation while I, will translate for those in our audience who do not speak Latin.

Gehan comes in as Brutus

G/Brutus : In tempore praeterito plus quam perfecto de te mox dicent, Caesare!

Dominic : People will soon have to refer to you in the past pluperfect tense, Caesar!

C/Caesar : Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit. Abeo!

Dominic : Golly, look at the time! My wife will kill me. I’m outta here!

G/Brutus : Ecce! Spiritus Elvis!

Dominic : Look! The ghost of Elvis!

C/Caesar : Ubi?

Dominic : Where?

Brutus stabs Caesar

C/Caesar : Et tu Brute? Ad domum adligaris, et nullam untravisionem spectabis per septem dies! Subito minime valeo!

Dominic : Even you Brutus? You’re grounded and no television for a week. Suddenly, I don’t feel so good.

C/Caesar : O, obesa cantavit!

Dominic : O, the fat lady has sung!

Caesar dies. Dominic pulls a toga and becomes Mark Antony

D/Antony : Friends, romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury Caesar. So bury him and let’s get on to my play, Antony…

Gehan comes in as Cleopatra wearing a wig and clutching a rubber snake.

G/Cleo : …and Cleopatra. Is this an asp I see before me?

Cleopatra applies the snake to her breast and immediately vomits on several people in the front row

C/D : Whoa Gehan! No! Stop!

Gehan : What?

Dominic : You have this bizzare notion that all of Shakespeare’s tragic heroines wear really ugly wigs and vomit on people before they die.

Gehan : Well… don’t they?

Dominic : No, no get a clue man. Antony and Cleoptara is not some bollywood movie. It’s a romantic thriller about a geopolitical power struggle between Egypt and Rome.

Gehan : Ohhh. It’s one of Shakepeare’s Geoplitical plays? Wow if I’d known that, I’d never have screwed around with it, ‘cause Shakespeare’s geopolitical work is my favourite stuff. It’s like, the themes he worte about four hundred years ago are still relevant today. Like what was that play he wrote about how nuclear energy affected the Soviet Union?

Dominic : Gehan, Shakespeare never wrote anything about the Soviet Union.

Gehan :