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Our Cast of Characters
• The Whiner
• The Complainer
• The Arguer
• The Bully
• The Know-It-All
• The Cynic
• The Grouch
• Nicey Nice
• Captain Chaos
• Slick Willy
• Passive Listeners
• Yes People
• No People
• I don’t know People
• Dogmatic People
• Inflexible People
• Manipulative People
• Destructive People
Advantages of Being
a Difficult Person
Difficult people don’t have to do as much.
Difficult people win when everyone else loses.
Difficult people are rarely asked to do extra work.
Difficult people are the squeaky wheel that always seems to get greased.
Difficult people don’t get stuck with responsibility. They’ve proved it’s “not worth the pain” and they always picked out someone else to blame.
Leadership Dynamics
Difficult People to this
Because we have let them!
By avoiding difficult people and notdealing with them, we have enabled,encouraged, and empowered theirdestructive behavior.
Leadership Dynamics
Dealing with Difficult People
Basic Truth
It will be easier to modify your
behavior and attitudes, than it will beto change another human being.
Leadership Dynamics
DifficultVersus
Destructive
Difficult people may be annoying butdestructive people can cripple anorganization's effectiveness by creatingnegative attitudes in others.
Leadership Dynamics
Elements of Character
ASSURANCE(How a person views themselves)
Almost invisibleLittle outside effect
Long term effect
ATTITUDE(How a person views the world)
Somewhat visibleSome outside effectIntermediate effect
ACTIONS(Assurance and
Attitude Demonstrated)
Very VisibleCan be affected
Short-term effect
A3
WHAT WE REALLY ARE
HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THINGS
WHAT WE DO ABOUT THINGS
Leadership Dynamics
Elements of Character“Looking inside the M&M”
Do
Think
Believe
Actions
Attitude
Assurance
We are what we do, We do what we think,
We think what we believe
ESSENCE
Desires
Principles
EthicsMorals
Values
IdealsEssence
Be
ha
vio
rs
Leadership Dynamics
AssuranceSelf-Confidence, Self-Image, and Self-Assurance
Benefits and Builders of
ASSURANCE
Optimistic Attitudes
Empathy
Self-Reliance
Humility
Innovation
Barriers and Destroyers of
ASSURANCE
Cynical Attitudes
Fear
DependenceBad Habits
FailureSuccess
Arrogance
Leadership Dynamics
Dynamic of Attitude
3%
Charismatic
Creates Positive Attitude in Others
13%
Cynical
Sees the difficulty in circumstances
3%
Destructive
Creates Negative Attitude in Others
13%
Optimistic
Sees the opportunity in circumstances
68%
Moody
Mental feeling dependent on
situation
Leadership Dynamics
Destructive Attitude’s Influence
3%
Charismatic
50%
Cynical
3%
Destructive
9%
Optimistic
35%
Moody
Leadership Dynamics
MoodyCynical Optimistic
Denies Learns
Excellence
Average
Destructive
Extraordinary
Destructive Charismatic
Avoids Accepts
Actions/ResponsibilityDynamic of Character Model
Attitude
Extraordinary Characteristics(One in a Million)
• Confident
• Positive
• Admits Mistakes
• Persuasive
• Understands Self
• High Energy
• Patient
• Little need for approval
• Decisive
• Self-Disciplined
• Good Self-Image
• Insensitive to Criticism
• Learns from Mistakes
• Communicates Well
• Understands People
• Goal Oriented
• Calm
• Easily gives approval
• Relaxed
• Humble
The Extraordinary Character type is motivated to become Self-
actualized and to compete with their own best work. They are
“permission givers”. They represent the ideal of human ethics.
Leadership Dynamics
Excellent Characteristics(The Few and the Proud)
• Confident
• Good Self-Image
• Communicates Well
• Accepts Other’s Ideas
• Goal Oriented
• Responsible
• Accepts Mistakes
• Positive
• Tolerant of Others
• Understands Others
• Comfortable with People
• Energetic
• Flexible
• Solves Problems
The Excellent Character type is motivated to achieve, to win and
accomplish personally and professionally. They are the “worker
bees” in organizations that get things done.
Leadership Dynamics
Average Characteristics(The Huddled Masses and Good Ole Boys)
• Poor Self-Image
• Doesn’t Understand Self
• Slow to learn from
mistakes
• Low energy
• Apathetic
• Need approval of others
• Sensitive to real or implied
criticism
• Lacks confidence
• Self-conscious
• Indecisive
• Poor Self Discipline
• Non-responsible
• Little Drive
The Average Character type wants to make it through the day,
week, and month and to retire. They want to survive and avoid
mistakes. They are the “pawns” in an organization.
Leadership Dynamics
Destructive Characteristics(The Takers in Life)
• Synthetic Self-Image
• Often Arrogant
• Critical of Others
• Argumentative
• Self-Centered
• Negative
• Doesn’t understand others
• Doubts people’s motives
• Uninterested in others
• Works poorly on a team
• Can’t Admit Own Mistakes
• Can’t see other viewpoints
• Cynical
• Irresponsible
• Defensive
• Tense
The Destructive Character type wants to get something for
nothing. They are experts at failure and want to bring as many
people to their level as possible. They are the “disrupters” in an
organization.
Leadership Dynamics
Dealing with Destructive People
• Choices directly affect Actions and Attitude
• Actions and Attitude indirectly affect Assurance
• To effectively deal with destructive people, a leader must deal with the person’s Actions and behaviors.
• Actions can be affected by using: • driving force (motivation) ,
• controlling force (monitoring),
• making the person responsible for actions,
• documentation,
• communication
• learning (consequences and rewards), and
• by modeling
Leadership Dynamics
Playing to Survive(Dealing with Destructive People)
Do Document
Deal with behavior, not personalities.
Be explicit in your expectations. (Put important desired behaviors in writing.)
Work on Actions and Behaviors before attempting to change Attitudes and Self-Esteem
Constantly reinforce positive and negative behaviors
Don’t Let destructive people drag you to their level
Overreact
(Be proactive in dealing with behaviors instead of reactive)
SMART Tips for Documenting
BehaviorSuccessfully dealing with difficult people requires the ability to be logical and rational with their behaviors. Focus on the facts and write down Who. What, When, and Where events happen.
• Specifics (Write down specific actions of events and behaviors.)
• Measurable (Write down the measurable effect of the action.)
• Accurate (Be accurate and don’t let emotions and prejudice hamper the
ability to document and remember exactly what the behavior was.)
• Relevant (Be sure that the information being documented is important to
the behaviors that are being corrected.)
• Time (Give time limits to explicit instructions and plans for improvement.)
Restricted Information Flow
Information flows “One-Way” or is “Broadcast”
Poor Listening Little Respect for Other
Points of View There is a “Knowledge is
Power” Mentality A culture exists, which
does not encourage Open, Direct, and Honest exchange of ideas
Organizations with a restricted flow ofinformation struggle to keep up withmarket trends and have poor adaptivecapability. They struggle to have abroad enough knowledge base tosurvive.
Restricted
Leadership Dynamics
Hemorrhaging Information Flow
Gossiping and the Rumor Mill are in high gear
Poor Listening Little Respect for Other
Points of View “Knowledge is Power” and
the Destructive Character Types will use knowledge to create chaos
A culture exists, which leads people to believe rumors instead of the leader’s signals
Hemorrhaging
Organizations with a hemorrhaginginformation flow are often groups thatare out of control. Chaos andconfusion are common.
Leadership Dynamics
Balanced Information Flow
High levels of trust and organizational integrity exist
Good Listening Behaviors Respect for Diversity and Other
Points of View Knowledge is Power and the
organization is striving to increase the group’s knowledge base to achieve organizational goals
A culture exists, which allows people to communicate openly and honestly
Members at all levels of the organization feel that they have input
Balanced
Organizations with a balancedinformation flow are constantlycreating a vision for the currentreality. They value the group’sperspective and are prepared tosucceed by making adaptive changesto the real circumstances.
Leadership Dynamics
HIGH
LOW
Dynamic of Communication Styles
Argue
Compete and defend
points of view
Debate
Arguing with rules
Curiosity
Discussion
Negotiation and
Compromise
Dialogue
Seeking
to understand
Synthetic or Arrogant
Uncertain
Assured
Humble
Self-Assurance
Leadership Dynamics
Primary Factors Affecting the Communication Strategy
• Self-Assurance Level(From Arrogance to Humility)
• Concern for Others(From Selfish to Selfless)
• Level of Influence(From Low to High)
• Curiosity Level(From Competing to Learning)
Leadership Dynamics
Argumentative
Selfish to Selfless
Concern for Others
Passive
Manipulative
Argue
OpenDialogue
Negotiating
Discuss
Debate
+
© Bob Perry 2002
Signs That You Are a Non-Assertive Communicator
• You have trouble saying no, even when you really should.
• You feel people take advantage of you or “walk all over you”
• You have trouble keeping your temper under control
• You find it easier to talk about someone than to someone
Leadership Dynamics
What is Assertiveness?
• It’s not aggressiveness…it’s a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat
• It’s dependent on a feeling of self-worth, a sense that you are in control of your destiny
“Many of us are taught that we should always please and/or defer to others, that it is not nice to consider our own needs above those of others, or that we shouldn't "make waves", that if someone says or does something that we don't like, we should just be quiet and try to stay away from that person in the future.”
From Dr. Vivian Barnette, Ph.D. University of Iowa
Leadership Dynamics
How to Become More Assertive
1. Express EmpathySay something that shows your understanding of the other person’s viewpoint. This shows that you’re not trying to pick a fight.
2. State the ProblemFactually describe your difficulty or dissatisfaction. Tell the other party why you need something to change.
3. State what you want or needMake specific requests for the changes you expect in the other person’s behavior
Try writing down your feelings and key points, before talking to the other party. Try to be non-emotional, objective, and factual.
Leadership Dynamics
More Tips to Becoming an Assertive Communicator
• Keep the focus on the problem you’re having, not on accusing or blaming the other person
• Use facts, not judgments or opinions• Express ownership of your thoughts, feelings,
and opinions• Use assertive body language. Face the other
person, stand or sit straight, and maintain eye contact. Be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.
Leadership Dynamics
Advanced Tips to Becoming an Assertive Communicator
• Keep repeating your point, using a low level, pleasant voice. Don’t get pulled into arguing or trying to explain yourself. This lets you ignore manipulation, baiting, and irrelevant logic.
• Deflect some negative and manipulative criticism by agreeing with some of the facts, but keep the focus on the real issues.
• Let someone cool down if they become agitated. Avoid being drawn into an angry argument.
• Summarize and specify points of agreement and disagreement to insure that all parties are “hearing” the same thing. Possibly make notes to document communication and make the other party accountable.
Leadership Dynamics
The ability to disagree
Agreeably is the
Foundation of tact
And influence.
Words of Wisdom
Leadership Dynamics
Tact Tips Learn to disagree, agreeably.
See things from the other person’s perspective
Respect other’s opinions… agree with them when possible
Make the other person feel important
Look for win-win opportunities
Lose graciously
Give ideas away. Look for opportunities to praise other people’s ideas.
Use these magic words that never get tired…
Thank-you, please, and I’m sorry
Eliminate these words…
“They did” and “We can’t”
Don’t tell people what to do…
Give options and choices while explaining consequences and rewards
Ask more questions…and state less opinion.
To be interesting…be interested.
Leadership Dynamics
Other Tact Tips A soft answer turns away wrath…but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Motion causes Friction and Change Causes Conflict…Lubrication reduces Friction and Tact reduces Conflict.
When you have a little honey…Spread it as far as it will go
Time heals all wounds…for those who want to get well.
Never give up on anyone… miracles happen all the time.
All people have value…sometimes it’s just well disguised.
Knowing the right answer…is rarely as valuable as knowing the right questions to ask.
There’s always at least two sides to a story…with the truth camouflaged somewhere in between.
Still more Tips Never argue with an idiot…They will drag you to their level and beat you
with experience.
Never underestimate stupidity.
There’s just no fixing stupid.
If you can’t laugh at yourself…You don’t deserve to laugh at anything.
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.