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RAMI BLECKT

THE ALCHEMY OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS

The Art of Listening and Being Heard

www.bleсkt.ca

Rami Bleckt. The Alchemy of Interpersonal Relations. The Art of Listening and Being Heard.

M.: Publishing company OOO Blagodarenie, 2012, 108 p.

ISBN 978-5-9901987-6-0

© Rami Bleckt, 2012

A new book of Rami Bleckt “The Alchemy of Interpersonal Rela-tions. The Art of Listening and Being Heard” was issued in January 2012

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About the authorDr. Rami Bleckt is a teacher and adviser of Eastern Psychology, a

philosopher and writer. Rami holds a PhD in Psychology. The topic of his dissertation

was “The Ancient Wisdom in Retrospective. Scientific Experiment”. Also Rami is a Doctor of Philosophy in Alternative Medicine – Ph. D. (A. M.) and has a Master Degree in Alternative Medicine – M. D. (A.M.). He is a Bachelor in Pedagogy.

In 2004 Rami was selected as the Best Teacher in the 5th Inter-national Festival of Psychology and Psychotherapy Stars. In 2007 he was granted the International Award of Alchemy as “The Person of the Year in Workshop Trainings”.

On the basis of ancient knowledge of pure soul sages and on the basis of latest achievements of modern science, Rami devel-oped several unique personal courses and workshops,which he has conducted in Russia, Israel, the USA, Germany, Canada, Kazakh-stan, Ukraine, Latvia, Great Britain, etc. He has great experience in personal consulting and teaching, including at universities and colleges.

Rami is the president of the International Association of Eastern Psychology. Also he is the editor-in-chief of the international jour-nal “Thankgiving with Love”.

Rami has written very interesting, useful books that changed lives of many people: “Fate and I”, “Ten Steps on the Way to Hap-piness”, “Three Energies. The Forgotten Canons of Health and Harmony”, “How to Make a Deal with the Universe or the Planets’ Influence on our Fate and Health”, “The Alchemy of Interpersonal Relations. The Art of listening and being heard.”. Most of his books have been already translated into 6 languages.

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ContentsAbout the author ...............................................................................3Preface .............................................................................................6The main thing is to hear… yourself ...................................................8For if we give, we get .........................................................................9Our emotions close our ears .............................................................11 A parable of how important it is to listen properly… ......................12Do you respect me? Then listen! .......................................................13 Practical exercise ...........................................................................14Listen to yourself and do not swoon. ................................................14Being informed gives power. Talkativenessleads to subordination. .....15 A modern parable .........................................................................17The three levels of listening – the three levels

of spiritual evolution .....................................................................19The three levels of listening ..............................................................21 A parable illustrating the third level of listening..............................23Personality development starts with developing awareness ...............24 Practical exercise ...........................................................................24 Practical exercise ...........................................................................25 A parable “Three types of people” ................................................25Nobody needs our problems.............................................................26An empty pot sounds louder ............................................................28 Practical exercise ...........................................................................28Are you ready to listen to what I have to say?

I have something to tell you ..........................................................29 Practical exercise ...........................................................................32 A parable ......................................................................................33The myth about speaking and listening .............................................33He who listens properly wins ............................................................36 A parable “Three types of listeners” ..............................................37

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Prejudice hides the truth from us ......................................................38We tend to ignore those whose opinion we do not share ..................39Don’t make yourself an idol ..............................................................40Barriers to listening ...........................................................................41 Practical task .................................................................................42 A parable “A cricket in New York” .................................................44Different roles of the listener ............................................................44Words hardly bear any information...................................................49 Practical task .................................................................................51Let me hear someone’s voice, and I will tell you

what the person is like ..................................................................52 Practical task .................................................................................53Look into someone’s eyes and specify ...............................................53If you respect someone, then adapt yourself .....................................56See the hidden sense of the hidden sense .........................................58In order to hear other people you must first hear yourself ..................59 Practical task .................................................................................60How to regulate thinking processes. Never say never ........................62Inspiration and reproaches are different things .................................65 Practical task .................................................................................66Mental sets attract real occurrences ..................................................67 Practical task .................................................................................69The philosophical secret of thought hearing ......................................69How to make our aural perception work for us..................................70Rules for communicating with emotional people ...............................76 A parable “The shock absorbing air” .............................................78Nobody is obliged to listen to everybody ..........................................78How to successfully improve your listening skills ...............................80 A modern parable about a manager and a programmer .................87How to motivate others to listen to us? .............................................88Recommendations for those who are speaking .................................91Everybody in this world has the right to err .......................................94He who treads gently will get farther ................................................96A few thoughts in conclusion ...........................................................98 A concluding parable “The prayer of the frog” ............................100Conclusion .....................................................................................101

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Preface A few of years ago, I gave a CD of my seminars to a very suc-

cessful businessman in Finland as a present. A few hours later, he rang me up and began to thank me with great enthusiasm. At that time, he was on his way attending a number of seminars and lec-tures.

He was particularly grateful for the seminar, which has been tak-en as the basis of this book, and was of the opinion that it should be made available to everyone. (By the way, several people wrote to me saying that this knowledge should be included in the compul-sory curriculum in schools and universities). He added that if he had known all that earlier, he could have avoided quite a few mistakes in his future business and private life…

It was important and pleasant for me to hear these words, es-pecially from a well-educated man with a high level of inner and outer culture, who had vast experience in interpersonal relations with spiritual gurus. He also said that he intended to pass his new knowledge on to his top managers and the heads of departments and branches.

I remember the time when my curiosity was aroused about this kind of knowledge. That was about 12 years ago, in 1997. I was reading an interesting and informative book (Madelyn Burley-Allen – “Listening: The Forgotten Skill”. If you are interested in this topic, I recommend you to read precisely this book, although unfortu-nately it has been out of print for a long time) and I made a number of discoveries that later have become a great help for me in many areas of life.

Then I read many books and articles by western psychologists which were devoted to this subject, but by and large their contents were the same. That is to say it was not the only good book devoted


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to the psychology of interpersonal relations, and I wouldn’t have paid such close attention to it if I hadn’t seen how this knowledge works in practice: in my life, in the lives of my friends and acquain-tances, and that is an important indicator for me.

I particularly remember an incident with my friend. When he finished school and the elite military academy with distinction, he was quite practically minded but unfortunately had serious prob-lems in communicating with the people around him and, therefore, experienced failures in his private life.

Suddenly, however, I noticed that in all areas of his life consider-able changes for the better began to happen; his ability to conduct negotiations and interact with other people started to gain him re-spect. I realized that he followed the main instructions given in this book very precisely. Now he lives a happy life with his family in Aus-tralia.

In the following years, I have read many books and articles about effective interpersonal relations, attended many seminars on this topic, and have always tried to put this knowledge into prac-tice. Some of the information I had read I have discarded as being impractical. Something was added from my own experience of life, and, as a result, I developed my own training programme on this subject, which was warmly received and got many favourable re-views.

In this training programme I tried to combine psychological work experience with oriental wisdom, for the knowledge of this topic is a necessary prerequisite for fast progress in the spiritual and material aspects of life.

This small book is a slightly abridged and revised printed ver-sion of the training programme. We have tried to retain an informal style of writing for easy reading and understanding, hoping that it will be understood by the reader.

I very much hope that this knowledge will be interesting and useful for you and the people around you.

With loveRami

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The main thingis to hear… yourself

Modern American psychologists have arrived at the conclu-sion that people cannot succeed in any area of life without having the ability to listen. They have asked 15 millionaires the following question “What is the reason for your success?”, and all who an-swered ranked the ability to listen as the first and foremost reason.

The first and most significant thing is to learn to listen to yourself, not to your ego but just your intuition: “the voice of the soul.” One of the ways to develop your intuition is to listen to your body, for we get all the necessary information with its help in good time.

Lise Bourbeau, the founder of the biggest school of personality development in Quebec, Canada, developed a simple method of self-recovery, based on Oriental techniques, and described it in her books (“Listen to your Body”, “Your Body’s Telling You: Love Your-self!” and others). From the point of view of Oriental psychology, however, it would be more correct to say that we must listen to our soul, and our body can help us in doing so.

Our mind is always preoccupied with gossiping, systematiz-ing, labelling, making plans to get sensual pleasure, regretting the past, self-praising and self-justifying, etc. But in the soul there are only two feelings: the state of inner comfort and discomfort. If we get used to calm down our mind and listen to what our soul is telling us, we will never be mistaken, for the soul knows everything.

The art of listening to the person you are talking to is the art of listening to yourself.

Vladimir Borisov


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If we are able to hear ourselves, we will be able to hear what other people say and, eventually, nature in its entirety. The abil-ity to listen very rapidly arouses our true “self”, makes our life conscious. And it is precisely this consciousness that is one of the key elements of a happy life.

For if we give,we get

Modern psychologists have studied the extent to which people use their lis-tening abilities; and it turned out that they use only 25 % of it.

According to statistics, we spend 70 % of our time (not counting the time we are asleep) in verbal communication. 40 % account for listening, 35 % for speaking, 16 % for reading, and 9 % for writing. All these are, of course, average values.

If everything depends so much on our ability to listen and we are using at most only 25% of our potential, then are our chances for success high enough?

The ability to listen means a lot more than just staring at the person you are talking to with your mouth open. Being able to listen means being able to hear, having a distinct energy that enables you to give a bit of yourself away.

To listen means to give. You devote your time and attention to someone, thus paying him respect. Who talks more, a selfish person or a selfless person? As a rule, it is the selfish person. What

The skill of attentive listening is one of the best ways of showing respect for people and establishing a close contact with them.

Robin Sharma

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is he talking about after all? The topics may be just about anything: politics (that are ruining his life), money (which he has or hasn’t got), spiritual questions, but it always boils down to the same thing – it is always him who is the centre of attention. A selfish person even listens in a very preconceived way. If someone is only self-centred, he will either try to talk as much as possible, interrupting the other person who is talking, or listen inattentively (if at all), es-pecially if it does not concern him personally.

Listening is a process in which we share, in a positive sense, part of our soul.

By and large, our main goal should be to always be intrinsi-cally unselfishly generous. We should always share love. This is virtually the only chance of bringing much unconditional love into our life.

And listening is one of the simplest ways of doing it, because


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the only thing required from us is to just sit there and listen to the particular person for a while, making every effort to hear the words he is saying.

Our emotionsclose our ears

There are three levels of emotional excitement:

Only on the normal level of excitement someone is able to rea-son soberly about vital issues. Only on this level adequate commu-nication is possible. Even on a medium level of emotional excite-ment we already stop hearing what the person we are talking to is saying.

“Never speak if you can nod …” Eliot Spitzer

high

normal

medium

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The ability to listen effectively helps the person we are talking to reduce the level of excitement and start thinking about the issues soberly. This ability is espe-cially necessary in a conversation with people who distinguish themselves by an increased emotionality.

It is considered that women are much more emo-tional. Until the level of emotional excitement of a person is reduced to a normal level, there is no sense in discussing anything with him or her.

This is particularly important for those who work as consultants. For instance, someone calls on an astrologer: “Oh, please examine my birth chart!”

If he is excited, it is useless to say anything to him at that mo-ment. He won’t understand anything anyway. First, it is necessary to calm him down.

I had a vivid example of that only yesterday: A woman was seek-ing advice and was very excited because her daughter was seriously ill. I simply began to listen to her attentively and sympathetically, taking some notes, and within 15 minutes the woman returned to her normal emotional level. Only then did I start to speak and she understood everything, jotted everything down and left contented and inspired with a clear programme of action in her mind.

A parable of how important it is to listen properly…In ancient times, a king sent his messenger to the king of the neigh-

bouring land. The messenger was late and, being in a hurry and out of breath, he dashed into the throne room and began to deliver the mes-sage of his sovereign:

- “My sovereign… ordered me to tell you to give him… a blue horse with a black tail… and if you don’t give him such a horse, then …”

-“I don’t want to hear any more of this!” the king interrupted the puffing and panting messenger. “Tell your king that I don’t have such a horse, but if I had one, then…”

The king hesitated and the messenger, having heard those words


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from the king who was his sovereign’s friend, became frightened and ran out of the palace, jumped on his horse and hurried back to report the impudent answer to the king. When the king heard this report, he became terribly angry and declared war on the neighbouring king. The war went on for a long time, much blood was shed, extensive ter-ritories were devastated, and it cost both sides a fortune.

At last, both kings, having depleted their coffers and exhausted their troops, agreed on a truce to discuss their mutual claims. When they started their negotiations, the second king asked the first one:

— “What did you want to say with your message ‘give me a blue horse with a black tail, and if you don’t give me such a horse, then …’?”

— “Send me a horse of another colour … that’s all. And what were you trying to say with your answer: ‘I don’t have such a horse, but if I had one, then …?”

— “I would certainly give it to my good neighbour as a present. And that’s all.”

Do you respect me?Then listen!

The ability to listen is one of the key requirements for building healthy relationships between people, for when we listen to some-one we are showing him that “What you are saying deserves at-tention and respect. I won’t rebuke you,” and this raises his self-esteem.

Love reveals itself through relationships, and relationships are formed when you give something away. When we listen to someone, he feels that he is needed and respected and appreci-

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who lis-tens to him.

Brendan Francis

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ates that. If we are heard, we feel that we are accepted as we are. And this is the basic need of people. This is what Western and Oriental psychologists say.

One of the basic needs of a human being is to love and to be loved unconditionally, and this need is satisfied when we ac-cept other people as they are – without any reservation.

When you let your partner feel this, his or her heart opens. Sometimes, a few minutes of listening to someone are enough to help that person start a new life, to come out of a depression or to get a clear idea of how to get out of an emotional dead end. Some-one who is able to listen to other people is also able to hear oneself and, thus, can consciously say the right and appropriate thing, change his intonation when needed. The importance of these skills can scarcely be exaggerated enough.

PRACTICAL EXERCISE

Listen to yourself and do not swoon

Have you ever had such an experience: you switch on a tape recording of your own way of speaking, you hear it, and you feel ill at ease and ashamed?

If we could hear ourselves talking as a bystander, we would see ourselves in a totally different, more realistic light. That is why it is very important to work on our speech, hear what we say and how we say it.

Sometimes it is useful to record your speech and dialogues with other people and listen to them; that helps a lot when you are working to improve your abilities.

Besides yourself there is absolutely nobody to have a word with.

Oscar Wilde


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Assignment: Learn to listen to yourself, pay attention to ev-ery word you are saying and control your intonation.

Devote one day to that and, at the end of the day, take notes on what you have said that day and how you have said it. Per-haps at a certain point you’ll think: “I’m talking utter nonsense. It’s time to stop that.”

When you reach a higher level of consciousness, your speech will become conscious, because when listening to yourself at-tentively, you will not say anything that you might regret later and, hence, many problems and misfortunes will disappear from your life.

Moreover, when you get used to speaking consciously, you will notice that you talk a lot less than before and your ability to listen has increased many times.

Being informed gives power. Talk-ativeness leads to subordination.

The ability to listen effectively is also very important for reading: when we read consciously, we are able to “read between the lines.” To simply read a book, an article, give a lecture, etc. is, of course, good, but it is very important to see the deeper sense of what is written and to get the point.

Unfortunately, what modern literature, the press and television are talking about does not mostly have any “deeper sense”, and is aimed at a low level of consciousness, promoting primitive think-ing. That is why it is important to read literature that elevates con-sciousness and is written by wise people.

It is useful to listen to the words of others.Egyptian wisdom

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It is very important for leaders to listen effectively. If you are lacking this ability, it is practically impossible to successfully manage people, to introduce new technologies, etc.

It is considered that being able to listen effectively makes a per-son skilful at everything, for example, at selling. Many people think that the most important thing for a salesman is to be able to talk, offer, and convince. However, psychologists believe that the more the salesman talks, the less successful he is.

One day in Kaliningrad, I met a salesman who apparently had received special vocational training. He sold computers and expen-sive electronic translators, and he did that very thoughtfully, finding an individual approach to each customer.

He had a piercing but very kind look in his eyes. He was listening to me and I could see that he was looking me up and down, paying attention to how I was dressed.

The most interesting was that it was me who spoke most during our conversation. He adapted to me, understood what I needed, assessed that maximum amount that I could afford and started to talk – very politely and correctly. And I bought the article he of-fered, although, to be honest, I was not particularly intending to do that, and I must admit that I am still content with the purchase to this day. He talked to everybody in an individual way – that’s an indication of a successful salesman.

In our age information means power. One can take the facts from the current military reality as an example: an army may be ten times weaker in terms of power and numbers, but if it is better informed, and has a more efficient intelligence service, then, as a rule, it has much more chances of winning.

People, who have become proficient in the art of listening, are able to understand the essence of what they hear, gather the most valuable information in order to use it correctly later on. That is the reason why such people have power.

In this context, the term “power” is not supposed to mean


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that we have the capability to manipulate other people, but rath-er the ability to be the masters of our own life, not to depend on external circumstances, to cope with our own life, and easily overcome various obstacles.

For those who are able to listen, sometimes only a few min-utes of listening to someone are enough to read them like an open book, and having received a description of a problem, it is easy to help them to solve it. This ability is particularly necessary for people who work as consultants. That is why the ability to listen is one of the key requirements for those who want to attend my professional courses. After all, it is not important how much infor-mation a consultant gives someone, but whether he is able to say the right words that a person needs to hear.

Moreover, too much information can confuse the consulted per-son, mislead or even cause him to feel depressed. It is important that after talking to a consultant the person’s emotional level has returned to normal.

Many astrologers (or rather not them, but an astrological pro-gramme) offer pages and pages of their interpretations of horo-scopes, but this information can only satisfy one’s curiosity to a cer-tain extent but it cannot change his life.

Instead of striking the imagination of the consulted person with lots of information and astrological terminology, it is better to say just a few words, but those ones that will really help him. In order to “hit the nail on the head”, it is necessary to listen very carefully to what he is saying.

A modern parableA boat had broken down. Since nobody could repair it, it was nec-

essary to consult an expert. He came and said:— It will cost 10,000 dollars to repair your boat.— OK, but hurry up. How long will it take?— Don’t worry, not more than one hour.The expert walked round the boat for some time, looked around,

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carefully listened to the engine, knocking here and there. Then he hit one specific spot hard with a bang! Something suddenly broke loose, fell down and the engine started to work instantly.

— That’ll be 10,000 dollars.— Just for hitting the boat once? People here carry a ton a day

for 20 dollars. What do you want so much money for?— Hitting the boat itself costs one dollar; the rest is for knowing

where to hit it.

More than 90 % of the people in modern western society live like robots, like puppets: they hurry somewhere, scurry about, do something, not taking proper account of what is happening with them and why. They say one thing, think about another thing, while their hands are doing something else, etc. The first thing to do is to calm such a person down and to bring him to the “here and now” state.

Admittedly, our attempts to calm a person down with “peace-ful” means can sometimes be of no avail. This happens if a per-son is in a pathological, hysterical state and is practically unaware of what is happening. In such cases you have to resort to extreme measures: splash water onto his face or even slap him in the face, not getting emotional when doing this, but doing it out of love.

Sometimes the art of listening consists in listening to a person attentively and taking a quick decision. If a person is ignorant, then, for his own benefit, it is sometimes necessary to be strict with him (for the transition from ignorance to goodness can be reached only through passion, through a determined action). But the recom-mendations that we are discussing in this book are meant only for psychologically stable, socially normal, inconspicuous people who have no serious problems requiring psychiatric treatment.


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The three levels of listening – the three levels of spiritual evolution

1. I’m OK, you’re OK

For this approach, the ability to listen without rebuking is typical, sympathizing and understanding the intentions and the feelings of the person talking, paying attention to all aspects of interpersonal relations and following what is being said. The body language is ac-tive, and we put ourselves in the positions of the person who is talk-ing.

This is the healthiest attitude, the only proper way of communi-cating with people. Interpersonal relations seen from this point of view are a sign of mutual respect for the people you are talking to. We are developing, and our relationships are developing.

2. I’m OK, you’re not OK

This is the attitude for building relationships maintained by most people – they respect themselves, but not the person who they are talking to.

Their attitude is that the person who they are talking to can-not say anything important, and if he does “we have known that already for a long time.”

3. You’re OK, I’m not OK

Such an approach is possible:- if a person has little self-confidence, is not sure of himself,- if one person aggressively insists on what he is saying, and

Show a passionate interest in what other people are telling you and just watch their reactions. They will simply fall in love with you. Quickly.

Robin Sharma

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the other is giving in, so that the first one calms down,- for those who consciously or unconsciously chose the “vic-

tim” role for themselves,- for a person who wants to deserve love (“I am not OK, but

please love me, talk to me”), this behaviour can often be ob-served particularly in teenage groups,

- as a conscious external attitude, for example, towards rep-resentatives of the authorities, but it is important not to lose your self-respect at the same time.

4. I’m not OK, you’re not OK

This is the attitude of chronic losers in society, who think that all people are bad and that the world has treated them unfairly. This style of interpersonal relations can usually be found among people with mental abnormalities, who are emotionally unstable, pessimis-tic, unsure, timorous, and have no respect for anybody.

But sometimes, someone may consciously adopt such an atti-tude. For example, someone realises: “Yes, I don’t know anything about this topic, but neither do you, as you see – so let’s ask an expert.”

Healthy relationships that promote both spiritual and material development, can only work if an “I’m OK, you’re OK” attitude is adopted.

We can even give in, but if our internal attitude is “I’m OK”, the situation will ultimately turn out to be favourable for us, but if we insist on having our own way, emphasizing ostentatious con-fidence, but with the internal attitude “I’m not OK”, the results will be depressing. That is why it is necessary to constantly monitor your inner attitude.

Even if we are not understood, even if something is not going according to plan, internally we must always remain calm and con-fident. No matter what happens, in our heart, we have to be “OK” just the same.

For example, you are being criticized. You can reply: “Yes, I agree I am not perfect, I am ready to change for the better. Please, tell me what specific shortcomings do you see in me? I accept your


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point of view, and when passions subdue, I will examine it. If it turns out that you are right, I will start working to improve my abilities.”

Everybody has his weaknesses. It is only natural to have them. We respect and accept ourselves and others with all their advantages and disadvantages. We are all OK. We all deserve love and respect. Everybody and everything in this world at this moment in time, here and now, is perfect.

Mastering the art of listening implies that the listener has ad-opted an “I’m OK” attitude, signalling to the person he is talk-ing to that he has understood his “I’m OK” message. When we give someone a piece of advice, perhaps even criticize his actions, but doing this with the “I’m OK, you’re OK” attitude, it enables him to hear us and adequately perceive our words, to see or subconsciously feel that we respect him and, whether he likes it or not, to treat us with respect. But if we say everything with an “I’m OK, you’re not OK” attitude, we will encounter no sympathy but perhaps even aggression towards us.

If we adopt an “I’m OK, you’re OK” attitude, then it enables us to listen at the highest level.

The three levelsof listening

The first level of listening: living and communicating at this level require a rather high degree of spirituality, the ability to be un-selfish, to feel love and respect for yourself and everybody around you, independent of their education, behaviour, culture, etc. This

Some people listen with their stomach, some through their knowledge, and some with their mind. Very few listen with their heart!

Vladimir Borisov

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level implies the ability to see God’s will behind everything, the abil-ity to live “here and now”, be attentive, polite and educated. This level demands genuine “listening with one’s heart”.

At this level, you make every effort to understand, hear and support someone. You pay attention to his emotions, gestures, listen showing sympathy and empathy for them. Madelyn Bur-ley-Allen calls this level of listening “empathetic”.

It is important at this level to refrain from any kind of judge-ment and by all verbal and non-verbal means to show the person you are talking to that you are really listening to him. It is essential to concentrate on that person’s emotions, his style of speech and manners of communicating with people and to cut out your own thinking processes.

The second level of listening involves the perception of words without requiring any effort to understand the speaker’s intention, i.e. the ability to make one’s attention apparent while it is absent.

At this level, people listen by relying on logic and concen-trating more on content than on feelings. Thus they remain emotionally detached from the act of communication, which is already fraught with problems, especially when you are com-municating with emotionally sensitive women. At this level, the listener uses his logic to deliberate and anticipate what the person speaking is going to say, his attitude being: ”Yes, yes, I have heard this before, it’s all clear with you.”

When can such an approach be used? In your daily routine, at some formal business meetings, when there is no need to get emotionally involved, during lessons where a logic approach and sober judgment are needed. But in personal relationships and friendships, as well as during serious business negotiations, such an attitude is inadmissible.

The third level of listening is listening with a few breaks in be-tween; it is more of a superficial observation of what is going on rather than proper listening. Listening is passive and subjective.

This level finds the listener concentrating on himself and only waiting for the right moment to join in the conversation.


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Someone’s face may be expressionless at that moment. While you are saying something to him, he is looking off somewhere, thinking: “When will he stop talking and finally give me an op-portunity to speak? After all, I have so many clever thoughts”.

This kind of listening is typical of selfish people. This is the level of consumerism, when a person is not able to give, for in the listen-ing process, the ability to give is more relevant than ever.

Here is an apt example: During a telephone conversation you are taking the receiver away from your ear in order to listen to what is being said on TV, continuing the conversation with the words: “Yes, yes, I get you.”

Besides, sometimes there really is no need to listen actively. For example, in a conversation with a neighbour, who needs to chat with you to reduce her emotional excitement and gush informa-tion, sometimes even negative information that has nothing to do with your life and doesn’t call for action on your part.

A parable illustrating the third level of listening“Mulla,” said the ruler to Nasreddin, who was invited to a recep-

tion, “how could you dare to fall asleep when I started telling you such a wonderful story?”

“Oh, I was not sleeping, my ruler; I heard every word you said!”“You’re lying, scoundrel! Why, I ordered my people to slowly carry

you into the neighbouring hall and, when the story was finished, to bring you back here!”

“If I was sleeping, how could I hear everything you were telling me?”

And then, Mulla proceeded to retell in great detail the story which the ruler had told. The latter was so amazed that he bestowed a gift upon Nasreddin by placing a fine robe on his shoulders.

“Mulla, how did you manage to do that?” asked his friend upon hearing what had happened.

“Well, to be honest, by the ruler’s face and voice, I immediately knew that he was going to tell this old, boring and long story. So I decided to take a nap for half an hour.”

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Personality development starts with developing awareness

By paying attention to your way of listening, you can lay the foundation for the process of conscious living. Learning to listen is one of the best ways to develop awareness.

There are several techniques that I have used from time to time to learn this, at least a little. They are very effective.

PRACTICAL EXERCISE

1. Sit down with your back straight – the lotus position is best for this purpose – and, with your eyes closed, listen carefully to everything that is going on around you and inside your body.

Then, simply try to name all the sounds that you hear in the next five minutes. It is preferable to do this sort of exercise at least twice a day. This is a profound form of meditation that also reveals creative skills.

2. Devote a week to observing how the people around you communicate. For example, watch how your employees or fam-ily members talk to one another. Do they listen to each other? Do they hear each other? One of them might be talking while the other is staring into space… What examples of ineffective listening have you noticed? What needs to be changed so that they do not happen? Perhaps you will notice that hardly anybody listens to the person he is talking to at the first level of listening.

Here is a story about the famous Russian opera singer, Fyodor Ivanovich Shalyapin

He had perfect pitch. One day, he was riding on a train when an Englishman, who was sitting opposite him, started telling Shalyapin about his life for hours on end. Now it should be pointed out that the only words Shalyapin knew in English were “yes” and “no”. Later, when they were getting off the train, the Englishman hugged him on parting, saying, “You are an outstanding person!” Shalyapin


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said, “Yes.” So how did he achieve that? The point is that Shalyapin was extremely careful in observing the Englishman’s tone and emo-tions, expressing his own reactions accordingly, and using his facial expressions and those two simple words most effectively. Within a few hours, the Englishman had told Shalyapin his entire life’s story, revealing all his secrets to him. Later on, the Englishman said, “Oh, that Russian singer! He’s an outstanding man! Nobody has ever understood me the way he did”. But when the man was told that Shalyapin hardly knew a word of English, he couldn’t believe it.

When developing effective listening skills, you will gradually come to see that if you really listen careful-ly to someone who is speaking a different language, you can understand what he is saying.

PRACTICAL EXERCISE

1. Think a while and write down how you, your family, and your team can benefit from effective listening. What would hap-pen if all your colleagues, superiors and subordinates were able to listen effectively?

Imagine, for example: your superior is really listening to you carefully… Imagine that you are also listening attentively to him. What positive changes could be brought about as a result of that in your work and your relationships?

2. How could effective listening help you in your activities?

3. Think a while whether there is anyone among your work colleagues or your friends who can listen to you effectively, and recall the feelings that you get from communicating with him or her. Analyze your feelings.

A parable “Three types of people”Once upon a time, three completely identical golden figurines

were sent as a gift to Akbar, the King of India. Enclosed was a letter saying that each figurine had its own meaning and value.

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Akbar summoned his advisers and ordered them to determine the differences between these figurines. The wise men spent a lot of time weighing them, measuring their length, checking the gold stan-dard, but they couldn’t find any external or internal differences. They just shrugged their shoulders, threw up their hands and admitted their helplessness.

Only the wise man Birbal was unwilling to give up. He discovered little holes in the figurines’ ears and inserted a thin golden wire into them. With the first figurine, the end of the wire stuck out of the oth-er ear; with the second, out of the mouth; and with the third, out of the bellybutton. On careful consideration he said:

“The mystery is solved. The first figurine symbolizes someone whom everything you say goes in one ear and out the other. The second figu-rine stands for someone who, having scarcely heard to the end what had been said, hurries to tell everybody without thinking about what he has heard. The third figurine, however, is like a person who remembers what he has heard and lets it pass through his heart. This figurine is the most valuable of the three.”

Nobody needs our problems

It is very important to understand this deep philosophical thought. By and large, hardly anybody needs us or is interested in us. If you understand, accept and constantly remember this, your life will change. People’s attitude towards you will also change.

Accepting this idea may be quite painful, but it will spare you many disappointments, failures and much greater pains in future.

People are interested in idols, which they have created for themselves based on their own, usually illusory notions. Your prob-lems are interesting only to God and to someone who loves you very strongly and selflessly. As a rule, such people are parents, and in rare cases, husbands, wives or children.


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Your problems may be interesting to your friends, but true friends are very rare.

Basically, people mostly listen selfishly: “Oh, you say you have a headache? Sorry to hear that, because of you we will miss the eve-ning party.”

Your problems worry the people around you only to the ex-tent to which you are connected with their ego and their life, to the extent to which they depend on what happens to you. That is why, before starting to tell the person you are talking to about your problems, you should ask yourself: “Are my problems, my life of any interest to this person?”

Exceptions to this are people who are inclined to play the “res-cuer”: “I help people! I am great.” They are ready to listen patiently to your problems, however, they’re not interested in your joys, do not want to know that something good is happening in your life. They think that by listening and allegedly sympathizing, they are making a personal sacrifice. For a “fulfilling” emotional life, “rescu-ers” need people’s problems, they feed on such energy.

At best, such “rescuers” adopt the second level of listening, usu-ally having an answer ready in advance for anything. And, because they want to help from an egoistical point of view, their “help” only aggravates the situation and meets with aggression instead of gratitude from those whom they were trying to help, which is really a tremendous disappointment to them.

One of the indicators of the fact that you help people not for selfish reasons, but from the bottom of your heart, is the fact that, having helped somebody, you do not expect gratitude for that, but you thank God for the fact that he created such a situ-ation in which you had an opportunity to serve other people.

That’s why before opening your mouth to tell some-thing about yourself, to talk about something that is on your mind, you should ask yourself: “Is this re-ally interesting to the person I am talking to? Is he ready and willing to hear something from me?”

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An empty pot sounds louder

The more stupid and selfish someone is, the more ill-consid-ered is his way of speaking.

When we are in a difficult situation and nobody listens to us, our problems and pain become even worse as a result. All of us need to feel that we are listened to by other people from time to time.

Nevertheless, before you speak, you should make sure whether these people are listening to what you are saying or not. If you share your pain with some-body, and this person is not listening to you, your pain may be even worse in the end.

If you respond, having scarcely listened to the end of what someone was saying, this is generally at the ego level. It is important to listen what someone has to say to the end, to pause and only then to respond.

PRACTICAL EXERCISE

I suggest you do one “difficult exercise”: Having listened to the person you are talking to, count to ten before you respond.

To start off, try to pause only for 2-3 seconds. Watch how much time goes by up to the moment you start answering, and you will see that remaining silent for these few moments is not as easy as it may seem. For extroverts, this may seem a real torture.

If you cope with this exercise, keep on practising it. You will soon find out that people around you start respecting you, lend you an ear, for if you speak consciously, considered, weighing and realizing the significance of your words, people will auto-matically start to take everything you are saying very seriously and treat you respectfully. Simply by listening to the speaker at-tentively, understanding his emotional state, you will hardly ever say anything stupid.


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Never tell anybody everything that is on your mind before he allows you to do so. Such an approach will help you to avoid many problems.

If you start telling something to somebody who is not ready to listen to you, if you criticize and accuse him, you will make yourself an enemy, even if you are right. In our modern world, the over-whelming majority of people live on the mental level, but their minds are organized in such a way that they can justify themselves for their actions in any case.

I have conducted seminars in prisons for really dangerous crimi-nals who are serving sentences of 15 years and more and hardly any of them blamed themselves for what had happened, saying “It’s just my fate. I had rotten parents. The victim himself was to blame,” and so on. However, when they started working on im-proving their communication skills, many of them achieved a lot more on the spiritual plane than people who aren’t in prison and live in freedom.

Are you ready to listen to what I have to say?I have something to tell you

We should say these words, however, only after carefully think-ing over everything that we are going to say and after making sure that our desire to speak is not determined by our ego.

Frequently, our mind searches for something evil in the people

Let your mouth not pronounce any words that are not thought over in your heart, for it is better to falter in your thoughts than falter in conversation.

Akhikar, Osirian king’s scribe

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around us in order to justify whatever we are saying or doing. It is not necessary to ask people to criticize one another; they are ready to speak negatively of each other without being requested to do so. But this results in nothing but an aggravated situation and a clash between hypertrophied egos.

Positive feedback comes in the form of expressions of grati-tude and sincere praise for the person you are talking to. Every human being is beautiful in his or her own way. The main thing is that we have the desire to see this beauty. Try to seek positive qualities in other people and you’ll find that this will put you and the person you are talking to into a good mood.

There is still one very important thing to be learned by those who want to become masters of interper-sonal relations: if you want to make progress spiritu-ally and materially, learn to remain silent when you are criticized.

If you criticize – even mildly – a selfish person who is on a low spiritual stage of development, his mind just blows up. He starts shouting, “No! I’m such a good person! I’m the best!” His mind will always justify itself, his emotions will simply escalate. The entire selfish nature of the person will resist criticism.

At first, it is difficult to remain silent: the mind will react indig-nantly, thinking, “I cannot listen to this any longer. This is unfair! He doesn’t know me at all! How dare he?!”

In this particular case, it’s difficult to practise pausing for 10 sec-onds like I mentioned above.

When you are being criticized by someone, look at this person calmly, wish him divine love and imag-ine that it is God who is talking to you through him. “Perhaps you’re right… I’ll look into this.” Answer like this if there is no hurry: “OK, I’ll think about ev-erything you have said.”

It takes an ordinary human being, if he is able to keep control of himself, about twenty-four hours to control his anger and ac-


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quire the ability to take sober decisions. So if, in the evening, you are told something that arouses your emotions, just wait at least until the next morning before analyzing this situation and say to yourself, “OK, I’m going to sleep on this matter” and say: Good, I’ll think about it.”

If there isn’t enough time and you have to answer instantly, be sure to ask yourself: “Is my answer induced by my ego or is it com-ing from my soul?” How can you distinguish one from the other? If someone is speaking in an egocentric way, he gets worked up and feels emotional excitement.

If you get into such situations, it is necessary to analyze calmly what is the most important thing for you: to protect yourself, i.e. your ego, or to find out the truth?

Sometimes you have to defend yourself outwardly, and this is absolutely normal. You should not permit anybody to put pressure on you, make you feel guilty or manipulate you. This can turn you into a person with an inferiority complex, someone who is doomed to take wrong decisions and take erroneously moti-vated steps.

If you are ready to respond quietly, then respond. If not, you must say, “We’ll revert to this issue tomor-row.” Having taken a time-out, you will have the op-portunity to think calmly and understand to what extent the person who you were talking to was right and to simply calm down. Your mind will try to find justifications, but you should try to find the rational grain in everything that you have heard.

If the person you are talking to tells you, “You keep doing this and that all the time” and this is incorrect, you should respond, “No, in my opinion, this is not true. I really did that once by mis-take, but that was six months ago. And yesterday, I was asked to do that.” Speak calmly, based on facts, without justifying yourself.

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Remember: getting rid of the habit of self-justifica-tion will take you to a new level of interpersonal rela-tions. Learn to simply listen to what the person you are talking to is saying and watch him.

All of us like being praised with words like “You are so good!”, “You are so clever!” and “You’re making such remarkable prog-ress!” etc. And we’re thinking: “Keep going with that, don’t stop!” We devour every word. Such words are music to our ears.

The person who praises us is a fine chap for us, our best friend, and the person who criticizes us is our worst enemy. No, you must learn to take both blows and compliments calmly, remaining in a state of internal peace, irrespective of the circumstances.

If you want to make fast progress in all fields, make a habit of obtaining feedback from the people around you not less than once every three months. You cannot imagine how this will raise your consciousness …

PRACTICAL EXERCISE

Try to give and obtain feedback 2-3 times next week. Pay attention: If someone takes everything you say critically, is re-served, tries to justify himself, this means that he doesn’t want and/or isn’t willing to work to improve his abilities. You should really pay attention to this aspect and not impose your opinion when people around are not ready to perceive it accordingly. If you are being criticized, remain silent and accept it gratefully.

The following cases may be exceptions:— If someone is really offensive or rude to you, you should

not tolerate it. Because if someone commits offences, this signi-fies that he is under the influence of the energy of ignorance, and you must shun ignorance. If someone is in a state of passion, this is still admissible. But if the person you are talking to is ag-gressive, you should stay away emotionally and defend yourself. You should do this confidently and calmly;

— If your time is limited.


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It is very important to understand that when we’re listening to somebody, we are passing energy through ourselves, we become its conductor.

You must become aware of your shortcomings, com-plexes, mistakes and unhealthy habits. If you are aware of them, they usually disappear.

A parableOne day, the Master was telling his students about the hypnotic

power of words. One of them, who could not contain his emotions any-more, shouted out:

“That cannot be! Can anyone really become a saint just by saying ‘God, God, God’ all the time? Can anyone really become a sinner by endlessly repeating ‘sin, sin, sin’?”

“Sit down, you silly bastard!” said the Master curtly.The student became furious. He blushed, went pale and clenched

his fists. It took him some time to come to his senses.With a look of repentance the Master then said, “I sincerely beg

your pardon for my inexcusable outburst. I lost my temper.”The student immediately calmed down.“Here’s the answer for you,” summarized the Master. “One word

made you furious, another calmed you down.”

The myth about speakingand listening

Discretion of speech is more than eloquence; and to speak agreeably to him with whom we deal is more than to speak in good words or in good order.

Francis Bacon

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It is interesting that in our society a person who speak is consid-ered a superior, a leader, a person who is in a dominating position. Since childhood we have been brought up with the notion that someone who speaks is the superior, and those who are supposed to listen attentively are subordinates, juniors in every respect – they are not OK. Bookstores are constantly selling books that teach you how to speak, but not how to listen – and they often become best-sellers!

However, according to the rules of Oriental and progressive Western psychology, interpersonal relations are controlled pre-cisely by the one who is listening properly. It is precisely such people who are the most talented and successful diplomats, leaders, etc. The Spartans were the most successful warriors and it was customary for them to speak laconically.

The results of investigations conducted by Western psycholo-gists have shown that modern people have a traditional opinion: if somebody is listening to the person he is communicating with, this means that he is infantile, apathetic, weak, etc.

But this is not true. Let the failures think so. In fact, when some-one is speaking and you are listening to him, watch him, and you will notice all his shortcomings and complexes, he is giving himself away. Incorrigible extroverts give themselves away within 1-2 min-utes. With this type of person, you don‘t even need to try to get anything out of him. It is enough to simply ask him how he is doing, ask him a couple of questions and an effusion of words will pour out of him.

A person who is able to listen attentively and peacefully will, af-ter listening to you for 2-3 minutes, be able to ”scan” you accurate-ly, determine your type of personality, know your desires, weak-nesses and strengths, etc. Under these circumstances, who is going to control the situation, who is going to take the right decision?

How do experienced negotiators act? They provoke. When the person who they are talking to starts telling them something, they ”scan” him, draw conclusions and dig deeper. If a person re-mains silent, you can, to a certain extent, ”scan” his gestures. But


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when a person starts speaking, he can be ”scanned” easily. That is why wise directors listen a lot.

How much did Kutuzov speak? Little. Apart from all the horrible crimes he committed, Hitler deserved to be criticized as a military commander. He was actually a bad leader: he never listened to nor hardly ever read the reports written by his subordinates. Why did some of them intend to kill him in 1944? They simply could not bear his obtuseness any longer. The generals came to him, gave him their calculations and recommendations and explained the possible consequences of his decisions, but still he would not listen to anyone and did everything his own way. He was a self-proclaimed genius. He was not able to listen and that was a huge problem. Of course, he made Germany a powerful empire that crushed its neighbours, but he was foremost a speaker who could fascinate and inspire…

If a person, having similar qualities, were able to listen, he would be able to achieve a lot more. Instead of doing this, such people behave the way they are dictated by their emotions. If they are told, “Don’t do it like this!”, they get furious. That is why there is no sense in telling them anything.

With Stalin, it was a slightly different story. He was an obvious introvert and as such was able to listen. But the problem was dif-ferent: everybody knew that any word which the leader wouldn’t like might cost the entire family of anyone who said it their life. So everybody was terrified, which was also not very conducive to cre-ativity and cooperation.

For this reason, it is not necessary to speak a lot. Basically, learn to listen.

Nobody forces you to say anything or obliges you to express your opinion at any and every opportunity. Remember this!

Most oriental schools of medicine and psychology maintain that the main outflow of subtle energy occurs namely through speak-ing. And that may be the reason for a disease. Even words used to the point, but without passion, sap our subtle energy and vitality

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(prana). Therefore, virtually in all spiritual practices, regular silence practice (Sanskrit: mauna) was compulsory.

But speech can also be a medicine, an instrument for spiritu-al development. If we, in the “here and now” state, say words that bring us and the people around us nearer to the Divine, filling the space with love, we too will be filled with divine spiri-tual energy.

He who listens properly wins

If a person is silent, this does not necessarily mean that he is listening. If interpersonal relations are important to you, the process of listening must be an active one. In any situation, the senses, perception and attention must be activated.

Apparently, information that contradicts our beliefs and convic-tions may not be and, as a rule, will not be accepted. It may also lead to and be the reason for so-called biased or else selective lis-tening in anticipation of getting some specific information, paying no heed to all the rest.

You can deliver a 45-minute lecture and receive positive feed-back from the person who is listening because he approves of ev-erything. But if you say one single word that contradicts his views, he may instantly stop being receptive and become very sceptical about the information he has heard.

For example, an acquaintance of mine is a Christian, a member of one of the protestant denominations and lives in Jerusalem. He read my articles and seemed to like all of them. But one day, he sud-denly read the phrase “Lord Buddha” and asked me, “Why have you written it this way?” (In his understanding, the only Lord was Jesus Christ.) I tried to explain it by saying that in the East it is usual to refer to God like that, the meaning of the word is slightly differ-ent there. I wrote it somehow automatically, without even think-ing much. My explanations, however, were of no help; he instantly


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stopped taking absolutely everything that I was giving.I think you have also experienced this phenomenon – you keep

listening to someone or hear a lecture and, when you hear some-thing contradictory to your views, you just stop being receptive.

We must respect the system of values of the person we have interpersonal relations with, and try not to say things which ev-idently contradict them. After all, you know it is not possible to change a person’s mind in just one single conversation anyway.

If you want to change someone’s view of the world, you must do this gradually (if this is necessary at all). That is why caution is re-quired: one misplaced word may cause this person to stop listening to you.

It is also very important to observe this effect yourself. Some-times it is possible that you are being told wise things, but due to one “wrong” word you may suddenly reject everything you hear.

Therefore, learn to be impartial when looking at con-tradictions, try to understand the essence without being pedantic about individual words.

A parable “Three types of listeners”Once upon a time, a very well-educated, erudite man came to

Buddha and asked him a question. Buddha replied, “I’m sorry, but I cannot answer your question right now.”

The man was surprised. “Why can’t you answer, are you busy or is there another reason?”

This was a noble man, well-known in the whole country, and, of course, he felt offended by the fact that Buddha was so busy that he could not spare a couple of minutes to answer.

Buddha replied, “No, that’s not the point. I have enough time, but you won’t be able to comprehend my words right now.”

“What do you mean?” the man replied.“There are three types of listeners,” Buddha said.“The first one is like a pot that has been turned upside down. You

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can answer, but nothing gets into it. It is inaccessible.The second type of listener is like a pot with a hole in its bottom.

It is in the right position and it seems to be filling up, but not for long. Sooner or later, the water leaks out and the pot will be empty again. Only on the surface does it seems like something is getting into the pot, but, in fact, nothing is going into it, since nothing can remain there.

And, finally, there is a third type of listener: a pot which has no hole in its bottom, the bottom is not turned upside down, but it is al-ready full of garbage. Water can flow into it, but as soon as it does, it gets instantly contaminated. And you belong to the third type. That is why it is difficult for me to answer right now. You are full of garbage because you know too much. What you haven’t realized or experienced is garbage.”

Prejudice hidesthe truth from us

Provided you have taken into consideration the motivation, the state and the environment, you will be able to conduct a con-structive dialogue, and the person you are talking to will turn into an attentive listener, and the dialogue with him will be constructive.

That is why, before you start a dialogue, please con-sider to what extent it is important and interesting for the person you are talking to.

If you need to bring home some important ideas to somebody, you first have to generate motivation, arouse interest in some person or some audience and

The art of conducting a dialogue lies in the skill of speaking the same language as the person you are talking to does.

Ilya Shevelyev


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prepare them. You should prepare your listener or the audience, only then you can impart knowledge.

Have you paid attention to what I said in the introduction and in the first paragraph of this book?

Now let‘s have a look at the next important aspect…

We tend to ignore those whoseopinion we do not share

The sillier a person is, the more clearly this becomes apparent. We often ignore people we do not like or respect, even if they say important things. The opposite is also true. If somebody doesn’t like you, will he really listen to your words?

When listening, it is important not to switch on men-tal filters, not to show excessive emotional attach-ment to the person based on our personal antipathy, because we may be told exceptionally important things which, owing to our biased attitude towards the person who is speaking, we might not hear.

For instance, I recently had a conversation with a very success-ful businessman. He was listening very attentively to everything I was saying and continued to listen even though I had completely rejected some of his views. He kept on listening, accepting what he had heard. A month later, he phoned me to specify the points he agreed with me about and the ones he did not. Such is a success-ful person: he always listens, evaluates the information, and even if there is something he does not agree with, he does not instantly

Know how to listen, and you will profit even from those who talk badly.

Plutarch

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reject anything, but without starting an argument, he would simply say, “OK, good, I’ll leave it at that.” He is an outright extrovert, yet he is able to listen like a very good introvert. He’d say “I have a dif-ferent point of view. All right then, I’ll think about it.”

If you meet a wise man, listen to what he has to say. Having learned to handle without bias what you have heard, you may learn and understand very much and this man may have something very important to say. Try to switch off your mental preconceptions and lis-ten to what the person has to say – for God certainly had a reason to send him to you.

Another extreme is to accept absolutely everything that has been said by this person whom you respect, like and admire. Try to remain objective.

Don’t make yourself an idol

To be able to listen properly it is important to keep in touch with reality, to be “here and now”. And, vice versa, to be “here and now” you must know how to listen properly.

One of the indicators that you are losing touch with reality is, when listening to someone talking, you start to remember some-thing: “Yes, he’s absolutely right about what he is saying, the same thing happened to me and…” and you start dwelling in your past, “departing” from the present moment. You are no longer listen-ing to what the person is saying, your awareness is not “here and now”.

If you get involved in a useless argument and you have started justifying yourself, this is simply a waste of time, and often self-abasing. What’s the use of arguing, justifying yourself and trying to prove something?


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As soon as you notice that someone is living in a real-ity of his own and is not willing to open up, to listen to what you are saying and to be frank and open, leave him alone. At the same time, you have the right to voice your opinion. If the mood of the person you are talking to allows it, express your thoughts calmly without exerting any pressure on him.

Barriers to listening

One of the major problems in interpersonal relations is that we hear only what we want to hear.

This is particularly characteristic of women, and you’ve probably come across this problem more than once in your life.

A woman’s perception of the world, on the whole, is less logical than men’s. Women are inclined to cre-ate all sorts of “locks”, or mental patterns, and hear only what corresponds to them because it is conve-nient. That is why you have to explain to women par-ticularly clearly what you intend to say.

For example, in reply to a woman’s declaration of love or a pro-posal of marriage, a man must be perfectly straightforward and clearly detail his relationship to her and his future plans. Moreover, it is very advisable to ask her to repeat what you have said and con-vince yourself that she has heard and understood everything.

I have often advised quite intelligent and reasonable women, who had made serious plans for a life with a man who did not have the faintest idea about them and who had absolutely different plans of his own.

A couple of weeks ago, in Ukraine, I had a conversation with a man who was very worried about his relations with a woman. He was sure that she wanted to be with him for the rest of his life and was ready to take responsibility for the children from her first mar-

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riage. When this woman came the next day, she asked me ques-tions which had absolutely nothing to do with that man. She only mentioned in passing that this was a chapter in her life which she regarded as closed.

This problem does not only concern relationships between the sexes. The more attached we are to some paradigm (idea, at-titude to life, etc.), the less we are inclined to listen to arguments refuting or at least slightly contradicting it, and, accordingly, we are more receptive to any word that at least somehow confirms it.

We often hear what we want to hear. This may turn out to be positive or negative.

If someone likes sweets, starchy foods, cigarettes or meat, he may pay no heed to the thousands of articles and programmes about how harmful these products are, but he will definitely find and remember any statement in favour of the consumption of these products.

Biased listening takes place when we treat the person who we are talking to with prejudice: “Go on talking, I know this already. I know this Mr. Petrovich, now what can he tell me?” A biased atti-tude towards the person who is speaking or, in general, to anything whatsoever, is one of the problems impeding our spiritual and ma-terial progress.

PRACTICAL TASK

Reflect and say what kind of problems in the fields of spiritual and material development can result from biased listening.

Oriental psychology maintains that every day, every minute we apparently must begin our life all over again. Our perception must be renewed, being as keen as possible. We should meet and say goodbye to someone as if we see him for the first and last time.

Every day, every hour, every minute, there are some changes in the world: in nature, in our relations, in people. And we should no-tice them: notice how the trees blossom in the street that we pass every day. Usually, we do not notice these things. To see them, we


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must live “here and now”.That is how children live – the world is always new for them, ev-

ery day and every hour they make little discoveries: “Hey, Mummy, look! What a nice flower!” Mummy: “Hurry up, or we’ll be late for nursery school!” Such an attitude of adults impedes the freshness of perception.

Very often it happens that people who are treated with preju-dice convey important signs to the person they are talking to, pro-viding information that can save the business or even the life of this person. However, they are simply not heard, their words are delib-erately ignored. “Now what can my simple and homely neighbour Vasya possibly tell me that is so wise?” God is talking to us every moment, but we do not hear His helpful hints, we shut ourselves off, we hide from Him behind our stereotypes, live machine-like, loosing the capability of seeing life in all its beauty.

Our emotions very strongly affect our ability to lis-ten. It is better not to start a conversation if you are under the influence of strong emotions. Such com-munication brings neither benefit nor pleasure. Learn to remain silent, not to get involved in heated argu-ments, and avoid such discussions.

Learn to be “here and now”. When you are in reality – “here and now” – you are calm. If the person you are talking to is full of emotion, he needs to “blow off steam”, and you must calm him down, help him to come down from a high level of emotional excite-ment to a lower level. Help him to return to reality, trying, however, not to “get infected” by his frame of mind.

Remember, a situation is controlled by the person who is capable of coping with his emotions, who is able to keep them in check and hence does not fall victim to them.

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A parableA cricket in New York

An American was walking with his Indian friend along a crowded street of New York. Suddenly the Indian exclaimed:

“I hear a cricket!”“Are you crazy?” replied the American, casting a glance at the

overcrowded main street of the city in the rush hour.Everywhere people were dashing about, construction workers were

busy working, airplanes were flying overhead.“But I really hear a cricket,” insisted the Indian, moving towards

a flowerbed that was laid out in front of a fanciful building of some sort of organization. He bent down, moving the leaves of plants apart to show his friend the cricket that was chirping away and enjoying life.

“Amazing!” responded his friend. “You must have fantastic hear-ing.”

“Of course not,” explained the Indian. “Everything depends on what you are tuned into at that moment.”

“It’s hard for me to believe that,” said the American.“Now, look,” he said, scattering a handful of coins onto the curb

of the pavement.All the passers-by instantly turned their heads and reached into

their pockets to check whether it was their money that fell out.“You see?” The eyes of the Indian were shining with joy. “Everything

depends on what you are tuned into!”

Different rolesof the listener

The art of conducting a conversation does not require many words, it is more the art of making pauses.

Z. Yuryev


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“The malingerers” – are the most widespread group. They pre-tend that they are listening very attentively, but in fact their minds are wandering. Frequently this group reveals another extreme: they pretend that the matter being discussed interests them very much or pretend to be top experts in the topic under discussion, filling the discussion with irrelevant details.

“The dependents” – are those who are very dependent on the opinions, wishes and feelings of others. They often adopt the “I’m not OK” attitude. They listen “with their mouths open”, wishing thus to earn recognition and respect.

“The interrupters” – are those who do not give the person they are talking to a reasonable amount of time to express an opin-ion. These are, for instance, people who are in their own world of thought, or want to change an unpleasant subject. These may sim-ply be impatient people or people with a low culture of conduct.

“The deeply absorbed” – these are ordinary egoists. This be-haviour is more characteristic of introverts. A selfish introvert is a person who is wrapped up in himself to such extent that somehow he already does not want to say anything. He virtually doesn’t listen to the person he is talking to, living totally in his own dream world.

“The intellectual/logician” – this behaviour is even specially taught in the West. This type of person reveals his nature “in all its glory” whenever what has been said in one way or another is in-consistent with his logic. For instance, you are saying something and he seems to be listening. But if some trivial detail bothers him and is not in line with his firmly established view of life, he will stop listening to you immediately. Or there may be another problem: one person is talking to another, telling him about his emotional experiences, but the person who is listening perceives what is being said exclusively through the prism of logic and reacts accordingly, which may hurt the feelings of the person who is doing the talking.

It is important to see the situation as a whole. Spiritual life has shown me that there are things which cannot be subjected

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to the rules of logic, as they are not within its bounds.

The one who is inclined to think logically is like a computer – he gets stuck if something is incompatible with his ”programme”. It is considered that the mind of such a person is occupied with compu-tations to such an extent that this does not permit his body to feel the act of carrying on a conversation on an emotional level. As a rule, “intellectuals” ignore all non-verbal or emotional aspects of a conversation.

However, a man is not a machine or a computer, but a soul which exists on a level which is superior to logic. Behind everything that happens in the universe is the Divine Logic, which cannot be measured using a human yardstick.

On top of that, there are physiological and physical parameters which must be taken into account: the time of day, how fast some-one talks, the temperament of the person who is listening. Intro-verts are able to listen for a long time and attentively. This is no problem for them.

For an extrovert, though, a quiet and long-lasting talk may be unbearable. It is difficult for them to listen for a long time to some-body who is speaking slowly, using well-considered words.

It is generally regarded that a person speaks about 200 words per minute. But the brain of the person who is listening is able to process 300 to 500 words per minute. These statistics were com-piled by English scientists. I personally think that fewer words are spoken and processed in Russian because Russian words are longer.

wordsper minute

wordsper minute


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Therefore, it is arranged by nature in such a way that we have time to comprehend and summarize the words which we have heard. But when the listener is preoccupied with himself, is impatient or is in a state of emotional stress, he is not able to listen.

If the conversation takes place in the evening, when the person who is listening is tired, listening will also not be effective. That is why it is better not to con-duct serious negotiations and not to take important decisions at this time.

And if someone draws you into a conversation, it is best to sug-gest putting it off until another time. It is, however, not without reason that people say: “Morning is wiser than evening.”

There is still one more significant aspect: please note that every-body understands words differently. An ordinary person usually uses approximately 500 words in his speech. Each word may have different meanings, on an average between about 20 and 25, which, in total, makes around 12,500 different meanings.

If you take a very common word, “table” for instance, and ask different people to say what they understand by it, it will turn out that we get at least 25 different meanings. And so it is virtually with any word.

Therefore, so that communication between people who are talking to each other is as clear as possible, it is important to

words

meanings

different meanings

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“define the concepts”, to summarize what has been said.

The following psychological experiments are very popular: a person enters a room where another person tells him a story that contained concrete facts, logic and a clear-cut sequence of events. Then the storyteller leaves the room and the next participant of the experiment comes in, and the same story is told to him by the first listener the way it was remembered and understood. Then that sec-ond storyteller leaves the room and the process is repeated up to 10 times.

Frequently, the last person to enter the room hears a completely different story as a result of such a telephone game or “Chinese whispers”. Why does something like this happen? One person may not have told everything, left out a specific detail, while another person may have substituted a word for its synonym or introduced his emotional way of speaking. In the end, of course, the entire gist of the story has changed, with every person having told “his” ver-sion of the story very seriously, thoroughly convinced that he re-peated nearly word for word what he had heard.

In order that such situations do not occur it is impor-tant to sum up the conversation and ask questions: “Did I get you right about what you wanted to say by telling me this and that?” or “Did it happen like that?”

Such an approach helps you to understand what the person you are talking to is actually saying, and he also gains respect and grati-tude because he feels that you respect him and are making an effort to understand him better.

Having said something, it is also useful to ask the per-son you are talking to some clarifying questions just to be sure that he has got you right. This is absolutely necessary, for instance, when you are giving some-body directions or a bit of information where the de-tails are important.


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Several times I have witnessed situations in which my assistants in the consulting and training session organization were explain-ing to people when and where they had to go, how much it would cost. But in the end these people would get everything muddled up, each understanding the information differently. Some of them even insisted that they had been misinformed and that this was ex-actly what had been explained to them. Then I started selectively monitoring my assistants myself and found out that they were in-deed explaining everything correctly. Then I recommended that they insist on the clients writing down everything and repeating what they had heard at least once. This helped to reduce such prob-lems virtually to a minimum.

A lot of non-verbal information is conveyed in the commu-nication process. Even silence is a kind of communication. In the East, it is one of the main ways of communicating with people.

Silence, when the hearts are communicating, is a higher level of interpersonal relations. When two lovers are walking silently, it is one kind of silence. And, likewise, two sworn en-emies look at each other in silence, full of hatred. But their si-lence is something completely different.

A well-placed pause may have a far stronger effect on the conversation than any words that are said. As soon as you learn to “read” silence, you will rise several levels in the art of com-municating with people.

Words hardly bearany information

When words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain.William Shakespeare

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The most important factor in the ability to listen is the percep-tion of non-verbal information.

After many years of research, Albert Mehrabian, a well-known psychologist, came to the following conclusions:

Can you imagine how important non-verbal communication with people is? If you hear only the words, one can say that you don’t hear anything.

It is always necessary to look what is behind the words. Moreover, we must bear in mind that, by saying one thing, people sometimes mean some-thing else (sometimes subconsciously).

A lot of information is conveyed through facial ex-pressions. When people speak about feelings, it is absolutely necessary to watch their facial expression, the change in complexion, their gestures, and, in par-ticular, their body language.

of all information is conveyed by means of words

by gesturesand facial expressions

by the tone of one's voice

This is backedby the majority

of scientists whoconfirm that

of all informationis conveyed

by means of words


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Facial expression: The movements of the lips, mouth, eyebrows and the cheek muscles can give most valuable information about what is going on inside a person. It is important to learn to under-stand the facial expression that hides stress, doubt, confidence, in-attention, etc. This helps very much in interpersonal relations.

PRACTICAL TASK

Sit down behind the glass door at an airport or any another similar place and watch how people talk, walk, and use facial ex-pressions. Or switch off the sound of your TV set and simply look at the screen or watch a silent film.

In front of you stands a person you are going to talk to. First, get used to his appearance, facial expressions and movements, feel the way he talks and hear what he wants to say. By doing so, you will learn a lot more about him than by simply listening to his words.

An important skill helping you to understand the feelings of the person you are talking to, which are not always expressed by means of words, is the ability to learn to listen to and to under-stand the emotions which are conveyed by the tone of the voice of that person. If you learn to understand the tone of someone’s voice (which, on the whole, is not so difficult to do), you will eas-ily determine the emotional state of the person and understand him more profoundly.

The tone of voice can reveal the psychological attitudes, which are the key to understanding how you must communicate with this person. This is the non-verbal aspect of the act of com-munication; it is mainly subconscious and it is difficult for people to manipulate or control it intentionally.

Listen to the tone the person uses in his speech. The tone will tell what exactly is going on in that person’s subconsciousness. Our intelligence and secret services teach recruits how to “read” eyes. The eyes give a person away; by studying the movements of the pupils, it is possible to understand what they are thinking about, whether they are lying or not.

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Let me hear someone’s voice, and I will tell you what the person is like

The diction, the timbre and the tone: they also reveal the un-conscious sentiments of a person. A person with psychological problems is instantly given away by his voice. The sound which a person produces depends on this person’s emotional frame of mind, on subconscious programmes.

Record your voice on a dictaphone, listen to the recording and then analyze the tone in which you usually speak, watch the timbre and feel the energy which radiates from the sounds you produce.

By changing the tone of your voice, you can change your destiny, because you thus influence your subconscious. If you deliberately want to become more determined, this means that you have to speak with confidence, firmly and clearly, be-cause uncertain people use a tone that is also uncertain. With them, this happens unconsciously. They simply cannot speak any differently, they lack the energy, tighten up as if they were screaming inside: “I’m not OK”. That is why you must watch your tone.

The work on your voice is compulsory. Therefore, during my training sessions, I sometimes ask people to shout (or sing a little tune, or shout for a length of time, etc.). Those who are not self-confident produce a squeak instead of a shout; while the self-con-fident, on the other hand, shout if you ask them to squeak. Each corresponds to a specific frequency which, in turn, has its level of sound vibrations.

There is no index of character so sure as the voiceBenjamin Disraeli


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Somebody may say that people in different situations behave in different ways: for instance, at work they are more confident than at home. The answer is simple: the lower the level of conscious-ness, the more dependent people are on other people around them and the circumstances. However, progressive people have a specific internal core, thanks to which they do not change, but the people around them and the circumstances. On the other hand, we must take into account the various situations and the emotional state of other people and behave adequately.

A skilled listener hears more than just words. He perceives the intonation, the speed, the timbre and the tone of voice. What does the voice tell us if we stop listening to the words and pay at-tention only to the tone and the intonation?

Some people don’t realize that their voice is unpleasant. Some-times the following happens: Someone enters the room and his appearance makes a very pleasant impression, but as soon as he opens his mouth it turns out that he has an unpleasant tone of voice – and the whole impression is spoilt.

An unpleasant manner of expressing oneself has a repelling effect on people. Time after time, everyone should listen to their voice recorded on a tape and then ask other people’s opinion about the manner of speech and tone of that recording.

PRACTICAL TASK

Try to practise the following: Stop attaching great importance to words, switch off your perception of the sense of what has been said and try to watch how someone speaks, what his tone is like, what intonation, facial expression and manner of speech he uses. What is behind all that?

Look into someone’s eyes and specifyWhen we listen on the first level, we get information of the high-

est quality and can most effectively influence the situation.

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It is important to use verbal feedback. Ask people the following questions: “What?”, “How?”, etc.

When you are listening to somebody and watching him, it is very important to ask more specific ques-tions like “Did I get you right?”

When you are talking to psychologists or high level teachers, they will, having paraphrased what you have said, definitely ask you: “Did I get you right?” or “Do you want to tell me precisely this?”

Try to use feedback in your communication with people. This is very important. Firstly, the respect for people who are trying to understand you comes au-tomatically. Secondly, it is the only possible way to understand what the person who is talking to you wants to say in actual fact. Thirdly, by doing this, you help people to understand themselves and become aware of their true motives.

The majority of people use a vocabulary of only 500 words in their conversations. Their combinations are basically some sort of automatic phrases, platitudes, which do not have any particular sense. In our civilization, unfortunately, people lead a difficult and complicated life, and their thoughts are relatively primitive. Orien-tal psychology says: “People must think sublimely and live simply”.

It is desirable to listen with sympathy, without being critical, to be relaxed, to look into the eyes of the per-son you are talking to.

If you listen to somebody who is tense, you too will start to become tense. The emotional background will rise dramatically as a result of this and different sorts of “impediments” will make themselves felt. You can hear and understand someone properly only if you are in a relaxed state.


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This is particularly important if the person you are talking to is experiencing some sort of grief, if he is under stress or is suffering from depression. By remaining internally relaxed, you can bring a person into a state of inner calm and happiness within 5-20 min-utes. All you need to do for this is to listen properly.

That is why it is so important to listen with sympathy, with-out being critical. You must not criticize a person, not even in your mind. For instance, a female friend of yours is telling you something interesting and you are looking at her thinking: “What a ridiculous skirt and idiotic make-up she is wearing!” or “Your talk is interest-ing, but it would be better, you bastard, if you paid me the money you owe me…” On the low energy level, this person is instantly rejected, your connection with him is severed and the person who is speaking is getting subconsciously aggressive towards you. On the level of the subconscious, we know and feel everything about each other.

It is important to look into someone’s eyes, but this is per-haps not easy. Why? If you meet a representative of the other sex and when you look him (or her) attentively in the eyes, this can become a problem, particularly for men. When a man looks in the eyes of a pleasant, attractive woman, usually, unintentionally a de-sire is activated through the subtle connection. This is a minus.

I have observed that people who pursue any spiritual practices, gurus, instantly look away when their eyes meet a woman, looking upwards or to the side, trying not to pay any attention to her face or body. After all, a man is a piece of butter and a woman a scorching hot frying pan.

This is why it is better to look in the eyes of one’s friends or girlfriends. Eye contact provides a heart connection. If a person is not on a higher spiritual level than you, if he is irritated or ag-gressive, then you must look at the bridge of his nose in order not to take over his negative energy.

But eye contact now and then is always a must, because you “read” a person by his eyes, you see him and, most importantly, you establish contact with him, for the eyes are the mirror of the soul.

Often enough people, who look down or away when talking

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to you, are either deceiving you, or not self-confident, or afraid of you. By the direction of one’s look or by the way their pupils move, you may judge whether they are telling you the truth or not.

If you don’t like the look of the person you are talking to, if it is heavy for you, it is better not to look him in the eye. Sometimes it is necessary to withstand a look, even if it is not very pleasant. Having withstood the look, it is already possible to win. The major-ity of animals do not start fights. They approach each other, looking one another in the eye, and the first one to avert its eyes is consid-ered to have lost and leaves the opponent’s territory or submits to the leader if gregarious animals are concerned.

Solar energy passes through the eyes. People with little so-lar energy avert their eyes; it is difficult for them to withstand the looks of others. That is why the ability to look someone in the eye means a lot, particularly for men, for a man is a hunt-er in every sense of this word. If you avert your eyes, the person you are talking to subconsciously takes this for uncertainty or fear on your part. Sometimes this can seriously complicate your life.

Communication with people must happen from the “I’m OK” attitude. Therefore, if you see that the person you are talking to is insecure and feels un-easy, look into his eyes or at the bridge of his nose. There is no good in making him nervous by your fixed gaze.

If you respect someone, then adapt yourself

Listen attentively, without interrupting; do not rush unnec-essarily or “switch yourself off” from the conversation. If you fail to observe these rules, you are demonstrating disrespect for the person you are talking to. Keep in mind that by acting like this you can make enemies.


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It is necessary to speak with a person on the same emotional wave length, to adapt oneself to the man-ner of speech used by the person speaking, to pay attention to various nuances (velocity of speaking, etc.), thereby expressing consent to him.The face must take on an expression of interest. If you tilt your head slightly, this will help you to gain the person’s favour, because on the unconscious lev-el the person you are talking to receives a signal that you are listening to him attentively.

Nodding, accompanied by the word “Yes” means that you agree with what the person you are talking to is saying, that you accept it. This person then be-comes receptive to what you are saying. But all this must be done very naturally. If you must yawn while you are listening, shut your mouth and excuse your-self without fail.

At present, there are many different schools, training sessions and courses, where people are taught how they must listen to somebody, what they are supposed to do while listening, how to manipulate the person they are talking to. But all that is done artifi-cially to achieve selfish aims. This, however, must happen naturally, come from the heart, out of inner respect for the person and with the sincere desire to help him to become happy.

Inside, a person will instantly shut himself off from you if he feels that you want to use him for your selfish goals or to get some-thing from him – no matter how wide you open your mouth when you listen to him and no matter what compliments you pay him.

I learned good lessons in this respect about 15 years ago when I began to hold lectures, conduct seminars and distribute books about spiritual topics at business establishments.

The reaction of the company’s management was very impor-tant in order to get access to the company. And often it was like this: when I came having on my mind, “Oh, this is such an impor-

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tant person, so much depends on him, it is necessary to behave as correctly as possible, give him a present, etc.”, as a rule, this man would shut himself off, even if he was interested in questions of personal advancement and spiritual progress, because he felt that I wanted to use him, to take something from him.

If, however, we went to a meeting, knowing that God’s will is needed for everything (we do), and our main aim is to give this leader and his subordinates knowledge, help them to become more harmonious and happy, if, inside, we were ready to ac-cept the development of any events whatsoever and to respect and love everybody in spite of it all, realizing deep inside that the conduct of this leader, like everything else, depends on God, then wonders would happen…

A manager, whom everybody considered mean, rude and greedy, organized everything at the highest level, read the book I offered to him in one day. He proceeded to inspire other people to attend the seminar, take the books, and promised help and paid for the seminars …

Many people came and attended the seminars attentively, be-gan reading the books and remarked: “If our boss has changed for the better to such an extent thanks to you, this means that there definitely is something to it!”

See the hidden sense of the hidden sense

Let’s go back to the essence. The main thing we must learn in the long run is to be “here and now”, staying connected with reality. If we talk to people with this in mind, we give them love, peace, a state full of energy and a feeling of presence. But if we are cut off from reality, we cannot be conductors of love, we can-not properly hear the person who we are talking to and we don’t understand what he wants. The words carry only 7 % of the infor-mation. Remember this.

If you learn to see the hidden motives, you can easily un-


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derstand people, help them. This is necessary for harmonious interpersonal relations.

In order to hear other people you must first hear yourself

I would very much like that, after having read this book, you, dear reader, will understand that being able to listen means, above all, to hear yourself.

If you learn this, the effectiveness of your actions will be en-hanced by many times.

Do we listen to ourselves when we speak? Do we hear our-selves? Do we understand our own desires and our subconscious mindsets? These topics were repeatedly studied by psycholo-gists, and the results of these investigations were often shocking. It turned out that very many people virtually do not realize at all how they speak. This shows itself in ill-considered phases, for in-stance: “Oh, what a fool I am!”, “I’m always mistaken”, etc.

But these phrases programme the subconscious, and then these people are surprised: “Why do the people around me think that I’m stupid?”

Remember: All problems start if people do not live “here and now”, and the main problem among them is that they are not aware of their own thoughts and do not hear their inner voice.

If you’re not able to think,you’re not able to listen

We seldom repent of speaking little, very often of speak-ing too much.

Jean de La Bruyere

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I recommend to you to read Robin Sharma’s book: “The monk who sold his Ferrari”. This is fiction, a bestseller. There are a lot of similar books (Ronda Bern’s “The Secret”, etc.), but at the basis of this one there is a very important notion: everything begins with an idea. But if you don’t understand the idea, it may be the reason for certain words and actions which become the source of serious problems. And then you don’t understand: “How could I do this?” The worst thing is that people get used to living in this state and consider this the standard.

All the changes for the better in the spiritual and in the material sense start when we learn to listen to ourselves. If you want to change your life very radi-cally and very quickly, then start living consciously.

PRACTICAL TASK

Do the following exercise right now: Try to be in the pres-ent moment of time, listen to the sensations of your body, feel how it is sitting or standing, how it has contact with the sofa or the chair, pay attention to the way you are breathing. Don’t al-low your mind to wander in the past or the future, simply be “here and now” in your thoughts and you will see how much it will ground you, and bring you back to reality. You must do this regularly.

Remember: If we do not control our mind, it starts controlling us.

Controlling one’s speech is certainly more complicated. If we are detached from reality, then there is an inner dialogue or monologue always going on in our mind, and it is precisely this that takes away 95 % of our subtle energy. This is why it is very important to control one’s thoughts, one’s inner tone. A negative inner tone becomes a habit and makes people’s behaviour ineffective. Unfortunately, this is precisely what happens with people.

A subconscious negative mood can automatically programme


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us for failure, form negative thoughts. Imagine if what is going on in your mind were to be broadcast on TV. What would you think about that? The majority of people are horrified by such an out-look. If you share their feelings, this means that you are still a slave of fate and that you still have problems.

In the mind of someone who lives consciously, there are al-ways lotus blossoms. Such a person, has only good, positive thoughts which are full of love. Only such thoughts can attract a sound reality.

Remember this phrase: For someone who doesn’t hear him-self it is very difficult to understand and to hear others. We all expect understanding from the people around us, but we our-selves are often quick to give advice instead of trying to understand the person who we are talking to. If we do not learn to listen to ourselves, we will never be successful in our interpersonal relations and in our life, because in this case we simply have no right to pin our hopes on the understanding of the people around us.

How does love manifest itself? It shows itself in understand-ing other people, in listening to them and hearing them, accept-ing them as they are, sympathising with them or being glad for them.

One of the methods for beginning to listen to oneself is to work on the understanding of the essence of our thought processes. The development of the habit of listening to our own thoughts is the first step in understanding why we behave and feel in such and such a way. What is more, it gives us the possibility of under-standing one’s sensations and why we perceive the world in one way and not in another.

Two people are looking out of one and the same window: one of them sees stars, the other bars. Without exaggeration one can say that our life depends on our perception. If we tend to perceive the reality around us through the filter of constant displeasure and inner discontent, how does this show in our life? For many people,

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their thinking dialogue is constantly accompanied by such expres-sions as: “What a nightmare!”, “What a miserable life!”, ”I’m so sick of everything”.

If we become aware of our thoughts, if we think positively, if we look objectively at what is going on with us and perceive every incident as a lesson, we will acquire the ability to become aware of our principles and ideals.

This is an extremely wide-ranging topic which can be talked about for a very long time. However, the context of this book does not give us such a possibility. That is why I am trying to briefly put forward its main hypotheses.

How to regulate thinking processes.Never say never

Everything begins with an idea. Many yogi subject themselves to asceticism (for instance, they make ablutions in ice water), if a negative thought about some person flashes through their mind, because they know that any, even the most fleeting thought, at-tracts dozens of such thoughts from the surrounding world of sub-tle energy like a magnet, and, if you don’t control it, do not become aware of it, it intensifies and may gradually assume a dangerous tendency.

Usually about 60,000 thoughts per day cross people’s mind. And for many people in the West, 80 – 90 % of their thoughts are of a self-destroying character. Can you imagine how dangerous they are? And then we are surprised that our life “is not working out well”.

The price of greatness is responsibility over each of your thoughts.

Winston Churchill


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It is very important to avoid words such as “always and never” in your vocabulary. They are a violation of the subtle laws of the Universe. Because, on the one hand, nothing is eternal in this world and, on the other, nothing is impossible. Therefore, sooner or lat-er, these words will definitely meet with opposition.

Expressions like “I am forced”, “I must” and “I am obliged” also have a negative connotation.

Don’t do anything with this kind of incentive. Get accustomed to doing everything out of love. “I am forced” – with this expression we often programme our subconscious, putting ourselves into the role of victim. Such expressions leave us no choice in our behaviour. They force us to go to extremes, to act on the “or-or” principle. God becomes apparent in little things, and the devil in extremes. All these words and expressions result in a self-destructing be-haviour.

Of course, we all have different obligations, at work, in the family, and this is absolutely normal. Problems from the use of the above-mentioned expressions may arise if you put yourself into the parental position, trying to thrust obligations on the person you are talking to or taking on the role of victim who is forced to do something, for which “the soul is not in favour of”. If you say to someone: “You must do this”, you are, thus, sending him the sig-

of their thoughtsare of a self-destroying

characterabout

thoughts per daycross people’s mind

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nal: “You’re not OK”.

In English, the word “must” is more multi-faceted. It not only has the imperative meaning “must”, but also the far more neutral meaning “have to”, or the even more neutral “should”. Best of all is to use the verb with the latter meaning and say: “You (or I) ought to act in such or such a way …”

One must try to live in such a way that the word “must” is used as seldom as possible. If someone lives on the basis of love, “in harmony”, he acts the way his heart tells him to – there simply are no serious or unpleasant “obligations” in his life.

In the spiritual world, the word “guilt or responsibility” does not exist. There are no marriage contracts or partnership agreements extending over ten pages. Peace and love reign there, there is no compulsion whatsoever. But in this world it has sometimes to be used: the superior in relation to a lazy subordinate, who is at a low level of self development, etc.

Someone may say: “But is Dharma not an obligation, not something that we must follow in this world?” No, the divine un-derstanding of Dharma is action which is motivated just by love. If someone lives as if in a dream, performs his duty, being under the influence of the energy of ignorance, he may ruin his life, even if he follows the path of his destiny.

We must live consciously, offering the fruits of our work to God and acting for the benefit of all living creatures.

In the “Bhagavad-Gita” (Chapter 3, Verses 18 and 19) it says: “A self-realized man has no purpose to fulfill in the discharge of his prescribed duties, nor has he any reason not to perform such work. Nor has he any need to depend on any other living being. There-fore, without being attached to the fruits of activities, one should act as a matter of duty, for by working without attachment one attains the Supreme.”


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However, the question again is not that the actions performed out of a sense of duty are bad in themselves, but that we do not have the right to reproach other people, saying “you are obliged” in a firm tone…

Inspiration and reproaches are different things

Only yesterday an interesting young couple who had several children came to me for consultation. They are successfully working in the high-tech field and read esoteric books. The man declared to me right at the beginning, that his heart chakra (Anahata) is open, that he loves everybody, and that his life is fantastic.

He was dressed all in black, different kinds of monsters were painted on his sports shirt. His wife was very confused: recently, her husband declared to her that he loves two women (her and another woman) equally strongly, and that she must accept this. They didn’t mention their children at all. I explained to the woman how she had attracted such circumstances into her life, which mental sets are im-peding her life, etc. She agreed to everything I had said. I explained to her how she must work to change the situation for the better, and one of my wishes was: not to reproach anybody, not to express dissatisfaction and to forgive inside of yourself.

To the husband I said frankly that he was simply driven by lust, that unconditional love manifests itself first and foremost in mak-ing happy those who are around you, your nearest and dearest, that the decision to fly to his mistress for a sexual encounter for a few days, having forgotten about the children, is not unconditional love. There are little children, there is a family, and there are obliga-tions that are connected with them.

Yes, children first and foremost need unconditional love, but what they also need is food served with love, clothes, etc. I exam-ined his power centres and said that the whole relationship with this woman is based on the sexual chakra and that there is no uncon-ditional love. At first, he objected, but when it turned out that his

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desire to meet this woman vanished after she had refused to have sexual relations with him, he agreed.

PRACTICAL TASK

Watch how often you speak the words “always” and “never” within one week. And, most importantly, watch your thoughts.

If you want to destroy personal relationships, begin to say: “You never bring me the tea in time”, “You always behave like this.” This is a very strong reproach. This way, you can initiate a negative pro-gramme in somebody.

For instance, someone says: “I can never concentrate and feel uncertain, if I have to speak in public.” “I never” – this is usually a destructive statement. When you say these words, you’re initially depriving yourself of the opportunity to change something.

This very expression can be voiced differently – instead of “al-ways” you can say “occasionally”. For instance: “Occasionally I’m unable”, that way you’re not setting yourself strict limits and can look for the cause of the problem: “Occasionally it happens that I find it difficult to express an idea. Why?” Because it is necessary to prepare yourself, get into the right mood.

“Sometimes I get nervous when I have to speak in front of peo-ple”, “I am not convinced that I will succeed in voicing my idea correctly”, “Maybe it would be more helpful to think over my speech in advance or even to prepare an abstract.” This is already a constructive approach, the creation of a positive mindset, resulting in creative activities.

It is important to understand that everything in this world is temporary. And, if we say “never”, “always”, etc., we’re ex-pressing aggression towards the Universe and utterly humiliat-ing someone. And what do we get in response?

It is particularly dangerous to say such words to children, who can easily be programmed for insecurity and failure.

For instance: “You’re always afraid of everything!” Later, hav-ing grown up, people sometimes find it not easy to get rid of such programmes even with the help of a psychologist.


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“You always win” or other “positive” statements, in turn, may lead to the development of narcissistic tendencies in children, the inability to inwardly accept a situation in which they do not achieve success. And then, in order to knock the arrogance out of them formed by the mindless phrases of their parents, the Universe is forced to teach them painful lessons …

Mental sets attract real occurrences

Our system of convictions has an influence on how we deal with other people.

The inability to listen leads to unawareness. This is why we fre-quently live in a sort of automatic routine which does not offer choice, unlike an active one. The research of Abraham Maslow has shown that 99 % of people mainly live mechanically like robots.

In learning to listen to oneself, Vipassana meditation may be of help. I strongly recommend that you practise it: these ten days can change your life, teach you to listen to yourself, become aware of your body, to feel “here and now”. This brings you back to reality like nothing else. These courses are held all over the world.

But everything starts with the fact that it is important for us to learn to hear ourselves. A good many people, even introverts with a fairly high cultural level from time to time do not notice how they are interrupting the person who they are talking to. And this hap-pens because they are not “here and now”, but are in their own kind of reality. According to Oriental and Western psychology, this is already a certain psychic abnormality.

of people mainly livemechanically like robots

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We must constantly be in tune with reality and listen to one another in such a way that it becomes obvious that we are “here and now”. If you are not able to re-sist your desire “to inject a couple of smart phrases”, to interrupt the person you are talking to, this is al-ready an evidence that there are problems in your mind. Sometimes it is necessary to interrupt, but this has to be done deliberately.

It is necessary to constantly work with your con-sciousness, to try to substitute negative mindsets for positive ones.

Let’s take, for instance, the following mental attitude: “He has no right to talk to me in such a way. What made him have such a high opinion of himself?” It causes only anger and irritation – a to-tally negative reaction. It can be replaced by the following phrase: “Why is he talking to me like that? I must analyze my behaviour. There has certainly been something that has provoked such tension on his part.”

The negative reaction (“How can he dare? Who the hell is he?”) is provoked by the ego and the mind which are trying to defend themselves. The reaction must be a different one – proactive, on a higher level. “What have I done to deserve such behaviour with regard to myself? Perhaps I abased myself or, on the contrary, I was too rude? Perhaps I am not being harmonious and adopted the “I’m not OK, You‘re not OK” attitude? What have I done to create such a situation?”, etc. And already you are not responding to ag-gression with aggression. Consequently, the person you are talking to does not receive any energy to continue to attack you, and you come out of this situation as the winner. You begin to improve your behaviour, to change, and to turn the minus into a plus, particularly if you internally thank this person and wish him love.

Such an analysis will help you to refrain from rebuking some-body and react in accordance with the first level of listening and the “I’m OK, you’re OK” attitude.

By and large, any other attitude (if acquired unconsciously)


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is destructive for you and the people around you. Apart from that, this will help you, instead of rebuking people and suffering a sense-less loss, to go over to the search for a way out of the situation.

Someone can be distressed for weeks with regard to the fact that his superior doesn’t value him (instead of, having analyzed what happens, to find out the reasons for his dissatisfaction and work to eliminate them). But in this case, he only concerns himself with self-destruction, generating negative energy. Negative situ-ations have to be changed into positive, constructive ones by changing your perception.

PRACTICAL TASK

Watch your inner dialogue.Get used to asking yourself questions: “What did this per-

son come to me for? Why were these circumstances sent to me? What is the Divine trying to tell me through him?” instead of moaning: “What have I done to deserve that?”

The philosophical secret of thought hearing

The main problem why many people are not able to listen is that their minds are lost in thought. The most important thing for them is not the words spoken by the person they are talking to, but their own thoughts which shield them from what is really invaluable – the true essence, the existence of the person you are talking to, is hidden behind the curtain of words and the mind.

If we listen to the person we are talking to without mind in-terference, we give someone space as a gift that allows him to be himself. For this purpose, it is necessary to live without being inundated by waves of thoughts and emotions, to be aware. If we live this way, we begin to feel universal unity which is truly real love.

Unfortunately, the relationships between people, on the whole, take place on the mental level, on the level of the interaction of

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their minds, which serves as the source of discord and a great num-ber of conflicts, and is the reason for discord in people’s personal life. Our relationships with other people become harmonious only if we live and have interpersonal relations in a clear space free from mental cliche’s. But these topics are treated in our other books.

How to make our auralperception work for us

The greatest of the merits of an author is not only to say what is necessary, but not to say what is not necessary.

Cicero

of them tended to reply, offering advice

asked questionsin response

responded with empathy replied critically


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Modern Western psychologists have carried out studies, in the course of which they interviewed 60,000 people, and with regard to interpersonal relations, established that:

1. Advising reply. This happens when you tell somebody: “I arrived at work and there was such a…”, and you receive the fol-lowing reply: “Man, when ever are you going to quit that job?!” The tendency to react like this destroys relationships.

2. Questioning reply. This happens when, for instance, a child comes back from school and wants to tell his parents what has hap-pened during the day, and the parent, instead of listening quietly, starts asking the following types of questions: “All that’s great, but what mark did you get in your maths test? And why are you friends with that blockhead? Did you eat on time?..”, etc. If we, instead of listening to the monologue of the person we are talking to (and only then react), turn the interpersonal relation into a kind of inter-rogation, this also humiliates him and creates a psychologically em-barrassing situation. Another modification of such a dialogue is the following: “How are you?” and the answer is: “And how are you?”

3. Empathic reply. Such answers were given by people who had attended courses similar to those forming the basis of this book. Well, nearly all of those 19,200 people said that they had attended such courses or read similar books, and only 7 % of them answered that empathy is their natural reaction or a consequence of their ex-perience of life. Can you imagine that of the 60,000 people who had been interviewed, only a few hundred people said the ability to empathize was “in their blood” (i.e. it was inherited from former lives) or it had become a consequence of the experience of life.

Theoretically, empathy, as a natural reaction to the words of the person you are talking to, is a phenomenon which is not typical for our culture.

In the process of socialization, society trains people to give ad-vice, to ask questions or to criticize. We get used to this ourselves, train our children the same way and, in the end, consider such an approach to be something quite natural. When somebody is tell-ing someone something, we automatically give him advice, ask him

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something or criticize.But this is not the first level of listening, and this means that such

an approach is not crowned with success, neither in material nor in spiritual life.

In order to listen on the first level we must become emphatic, and for this purpose it is necessary to:

1. Avoid rebuking people, expressions of a critical nature with regard to the person you are talking to or to what has been said.

People often regard such criticism as aggression or discrimina-tion. When someone has been struck by a misfortune in his life and complains about it, and instead of sympathy we tell him: “Well, what do you expect? We told you not to get involved with that scoundrel! You never listen to us!” In actual fact, we are not em-pathizing with him. At this moment, our ego simply jumps for joy, because it has received confirmation that it was right, and the prob-lem of the person we are talking to becomes for us nothing more than a cause for boosting one’s self-confidence. As a result, the re-lationships deteriorate.

2. Listen attentively to what is behind every statement of the person you are talking to, empathizing and not rebuking. This helps to build up trusting relationships and contributes to the solution of the problems of the person you are talking to.

You must show sympathy for the feelings of the person you are talking to. Pay attention: What does a woman expect when she is telling something to her friend? First and foremost, she wants emotional support, expecting that her feelings will be respected. After all, the major planets which protect women are the Moon, which is responsible for the psycho-emotional sphere, and Venus, one of the important positive qualities of which is the ability to build up relationships, to behave diplomatically. Men need this to a lesser extent. They are, on the whole, under the influence of the Sun and Mars and are less emotional in their nature. In male circles, it is not usual to talk openly about one’s feelings. Imagine: Two war veter-ans meet, emotionally telling each other something, and embracing


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each other, sentimentally sobbing. This is a ludicrous picture, isn’t it? Yes, it is, because this is not a Martian solution to the problem, at least, when looking at it soberly. But for a man it is also very important to be heard, to know that the person he is talking to re-spects him and his feelings.

3. Ask questions at the right moment. Learn to feel when the person you are talking to is ready to answer.

You must be very attentive to the person speaking. In this case, you may not only ask the right questions, but also do this at the proper time and in the required form, otherwise you may simply up-set and confuse the person you are talking to – an untimely “bom-bardment of questions” will very likely get on this person’s nerves.

Sometimes the empathic reaction has to be performed 2-3 times (“Yes, I agree”, “Yes, I understand you …”, “Yes, but how…?”). The trick is not to ask questions until the emotional level of the per-son speaking decreases to such a degree that he becomes able to converse independently and objectively. Emotions only disturb here.

If someone is emotionally aroused, it is no good saying anything to him or giving him advice.

All he needs at this moment is your empathy. He has to convince himself that you understand and accept him. Otherwise you can only make enemies.

For instance, along comes your acquaintance, all “worked up”, saying:

“I’ve just been sacked! My boss has said such terrible things to me!”

“But I told you that this would happen if you didn’t listen to my advice! I told you so!”

“Yeah, you did!… Go to hell with your “I told you so!”At first, it is necessary to reduce the emotional tension, to sym-

pathize with the person you are talking to by saying:“I can imagine how tough this is for you at the moment.” (Even

if you are thinking to yourself: “It is good that you got sacked. What’s the good of such a work – utter stress for a pittance.”)

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Please bear in mind: what you are thinking does not contradict what you are saying – this is very impor-tant. You have the right to your own opinion as to what is going on, but, at the same time, it is also nec-essary to empathize with the person, not to tell him the first idea that enters your mind.

4. Try to control your desire to solve the problem for the per-son speaking.

What role, do you think, does such a desire dictate to us? It is the role of a typical “rescuer” – you don’t have to feed him with bread, only give him an opportunity to solve somebody’s problem, “to catch up and cause something good”. In our society, the myth that we are expected to solve the problems experienced by oth-ers is very deep-rooted. Never let yourself be guided by the desire “to do a good turn to the people around you” in this way, because the “rescuer” is your ego. Our main task, however, is to simply lis-ten patiently to someone, without rebuking, giving him an oppor-tunity to find the solution to a problem on his own. If you are able to do this, you are a master of interpersonal relations.

5. Don’t give commonplace advice.Under no circumstances must the following expressions be used:

“Tomorrow things will be better”, “Don’t take everything to heart”. It may seem to you that you are sincerely trying to comfort some-one, to raise his hopes and to take faith in a bright future. In ac-tual fact, however, such expressions destroy relationships, because the person with whom you are talking receives the signal that his feelings are of no importance to you although he has turned to you precisely in order to share his feelings. Such an attitude is particu-larly unacceptable to women, because on the subconscious level, a woman identifies herself with her feelings, and if the person with whom she is talking, ignores them, she automatically takes this as a lack of respect for her and feels aggressive. If you are saying to a woman: “Don’t make a mountain of a molehill”, you are humiliat-ing her.


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This is particularly widespread among so-called spiritual people: “Pray more”, “All your problems are in your mind”, “This is your karma”, “God has suffered and now you are suffering”, etc. If you say such things to someone who, at the moment, is emotionally “on edge”, you will get nothing in response but ruined relation-ships and aggression towards you and your “clever” remarks.

6. Try to not to ask the question: “Why?” This question is necessary in negotiations, if someone puts pressure on you, say-ing: “You must do this, you must do that …” In the remaining cases it will, as a rule, arouse a feeling of having to protect or justify one-self. If you say: “Why?”, you are putting the person you are talking to into the “You’re not OK” attitude.

This is a very good attitude if someone is attacking you, exerting pressure on you, attempting to control you by saying: “You must go there and do this and that …” “Why?,” you ask quietly and with respect. And then there is a pause. In these situations the question “Why?” is topical, it helps you to bring the person speaking back to reality, to create the dialogue from the “I’m OK, you’re OK” at-titude.

But in close relationships, the word “Why?” brings us into the parental attitude, and this can be very unpleasant for the per-son you are talking to, who is expecting from us not sermons, but sympathy. “I have so many problems at work…” “And why did you permit that?”…and the relationships deteriorate.

You may feel very justified in saying philosophical things, but if the level of emotional indignation of the person listening is higher than average, this means that he is not ready to comprehend what he has heard, he does not need any advice now. The first thing that is necessary is to help him to calm down.

The questions “What?”, “How?”, “When?”, “Where?” and “Who?” often contribute to finding a solution. These questions are taking the person from the level of emotions to the level of facts, make him think constructively.

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Rules for communicating with emotional people

When you see that the level of emotional excitement of the per-son speaking is high, you must observe the following rules:

1. No criticism. The emotional stress only increases in re-sponse to criticism, because unconsciously the person you are talking to is looking for help from you and, if instead he is told in response: “How on earth could you behave like that?”, his heart shuts against his will. In general, it is better never to criticize anybody, especially if the person comes to you and expresses his feelings. You may criticize, but only if you are asked to do so. (On the previous pages we discussed how to get and obtain feedback.)

2. In order to decrease the emotional level it is necessary to listen with empathy. How can you demonstrate empathy and bring the emotional level of the person to whom you are talking to a normal level? It is necessary to begin your answer with the words: “I understand…”, and then repeat what the person you are talking

What

How

When

Where

Who

level of facts

level of emotions


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to has said. And it is even better to paraphrase it using the follow-ing words, for instance: “I’ve been sacked” – “Oh, you’ve lost your job. This certainly will not improve your temper.”

3. Sum up what you have heard. For this, it is necessary to go back to what the person who you are talking to has said, and to make a definite summary: “Have I understood you correctly? Did you want to say this and that?” “Yes!”

Firstly, it is very pleasant for the speaker, because it may be that he himself doesn’t properly understand what he wanted to say. Some people are able to speak for a very long time, so they are very glad if something from this endless torrent of words comes home to the listener and seems important to him: “Did you want to say this?” “Yes, exactly, it is precisely this which I wanted to say!” And the person automatically has respect, trust and gratitude for you and his heart opens with respect to you, because you were able to sum up what he had said and you left out what was unneces-sary. In this case, it becomes easier for him to find a solution to his problem.

4. At this moment, it is very important to ask clarifying questions such as ”What?”, “How?”, “When?”, “Where?”, “Who?”

5. Give the person you are talking to necessary reference information. Impart some facts, ideas and useful information to him. You have already listened to the person patiently, dem-onstrated empathy and he has calmed down. Only now it is pos-sible to enter into a constructive dialogue, give him information, for instance, as to which perspectives of work in this profession you know about: “I have just read in a newspaper that…”, “You know, I’ve heard that…”, “Statistics show…”, etc.

6. To provide a positive feedback for considering this prob-lem and taking decisions.

7. If it is necessary, fix the time for the next meeting. “Let’s meet again tomorrow to exchange views if you don’t object, if

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this is important for you. At any rate, please bear in mind that I am at your service during my spare time.”

A parable “The shock absorbing air”One could not call the teacher an ardent advocate of etiquette

and good manners, but in terms of relationships with people he al-ways showed natural politeness and courtesy.

One day in the evening, a young disciple was driving his teacher home and was rude to a policeman. Justifying himself, he said:

“I want to be my own self. Let everybody know what I am feeling. Politeness is nonsense, a vibration of the air.”

“This is correct,” agreed the teacher politely. “But it is our tyres that are filled with air. You see how it helps to absorb shocks …”

Nobody is obliged to listen to everybody

Somebody might pose the legitimate question, “If people don’t need any real advice, if they come to me only to unburden them-selves, then it places me in the role of passive listener, doesn’t it?” The answer is: “Sometimes it is necessary to be a passive listener.”

But, as a rule, you must not spend your time on this. Stop any passer-by in the street and he will talk to you for hours about him-self and his problems.

The more selfish the person you are talking to, the more he is inclined to share his experiences with you, because it seems to him that everything revolves around him. It is not necessary to transform yourself into a “doormat”.

If, after you talk with him, he does not feel better and comes back to you time after time and laments, it is better to keep aloof, not to foster a scrounger who is unable to solve his prob-lems on his own, because otherwise each time his aggression towards you will increase.


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We cannot patiently listen to the whole world. In America, 95 % of a psychologist’s job is simply to listen to his patient. For this, he earns between 100 and 200 $ per hour. For Americans, this is nor-mal: if you want to speak your mind, go and see a psychologist. One day, I was reading about Russian students who study in America. A Russian co-ed said something to her new American friend, and the latter replied: “Why are you telling me about your problems? If you want to speak your mind, go and see a psychologist and pay.” The girl was shocked by such an attitude.

We must listen to people who have got into trouble. But this communication with people must elevate all its participants, help them to solve their problems and develop spiritually and not drain the spirit of the person you are talking to or the per-son listening.

Each of us has his account in the “bank of relationships”. It is not difficult to see that one of the most effective ways of improving your relationship with someone is to patiently listen to him and to show sympathy for him. He’s telling you something, you’re listen-ing attentively, and by being “here and now” you gradually calm him down. First of all, feel the energy of the person you are talking to, observe his level of emotional excitement. Serving people begins with the ability to listen to them, to show sympathy for them …

As has already been said, in modern culture the highest mani-festation of relationships is “I’m OK, you’re OK.” The principle of Oriental psychology is more subtle: “If I win, then you also win or we will not enter into any relationship at all.”

Therefore, if communication doesn’t bring any benefit to you or to the person you are talking to, or if one of you feels that his spirits are drained after such an interpersonal commu-nication, this means that it is better to cut short the meeting with such a person.

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How to successfully improve your listening skills

1. The greater is someone’s ego, the more difficult it is for him to listen.

The listener is getting bored and thinks, “They can’t tell me anything new. I know everything already.” For a selfish person it is more pleasant to speak, but he prefers to listen about himself or about something that relates to him directly. Speaking is also to be understood as a mental monologue. A selfish person speaks his mind either loudly or listens to his mind, instead of listening to what the person he is talking to is saying.

Or perhaps – the other side of the ego – in order to feel their own importance, such people may become a universal “doormat”, taking on the role of “rescuer.”

If we are humble, we will try to hear everybody, devote atten-tion to them, because they were sent to us by God for some pur-pose. It is necessary to always try to find something useful in what we are hearing and, if our mood is positive, then, as a rule, we suc-ceed in this.

In reality, the Universe often speaks with us, gives us some sort of signs even through accidentally dropped remarks of passers-by. But in order to hear its voice, to hear ourselves and the people around us, it is necessary to get rid of our ego or, at least, to reduce its influence. If you listen to your ego through a mental filter, then everything you are saying in re-sponse to what you’ve heard reaches the heart of the person you are talking to.

2. It is very important to take the initiative and create an atmosphere of “eye to eye” communication, without being distracted.

The more restless someone’s mind is, the less efficiently he will listen. If you divert your attention to external factors, the person you are talking to might be deeply offended. For instance, some-


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one is communicating with you intimately and all of a sudden, you say: “Oh, look at that BMW that has driven by!” Such an approach to interpersonal communication is an indicator of someone’s low cultural level. For even if you are not saying anything but, for some reason or other, you are simply losing interest in what you are hear-ing and start thinking about yourself, the person you are talking to will definitely sense this. That is why you must try to concentrate. Express your attitude right at the beginning. If you are tired, or if you don’t have a chance to speak at that moment, it is better to explain this to the person you are talking to in a friendly way and to propose to postpone the conversation to another time. But if you start listening all the same, you must be “here and now”, showing your respect for the person.

If you want to learn to love, you must learn to respect the world as a whole, the people, yourself and the laws of this world.

For instance, a distracting factor is often a person’s outward ap-pearance. It is necessary to take into account what the person you are talking to looks like, but it is not worth drawing a final conclu-sion based only on his outer appearance.

It is also important to pay attention to one’s appearance and the environment, to make sure that all this does not distract the person you are talking to from the essence of the issues be-ing discussed. With the TV switched on, it is not possible to at-tentively carry on a conversation, even if it works only in the background.

3. It is necessary to constantly encourage the person who is speaking by showing attention and interest.

A man’s face as a rule says more, and more interesting things, than his mouth, for it is a compendium of everything his mouth will ever say, in that it is the monogram of all this man’s thoughts and aspirations.

Arthur Schopenhauer

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When you are listening, it is important to give aural sig-nals which confirm that you are listening. “Yes, indeed.” “Oh yes…” Or it may be a short question, showing that the person you are talking to is interesting for you, etc.

If someone is not getting similar signals from you for more than 40-60 seconds, he is getting the feeling that you are not listening to what he is saying, that you are not respecting him.

It is very important to understand that true listening excludes indifference and a preconceived attitude towards the person you are talking to. This is a process that requires commitment.

In our society, there is the notion of listening as of a rest, of a process that doesn’t require any energy input in our mind: “Tom is listening, but turning a deaf ear to the words he is hearing…” We think: “In order to say something, appear in public, it is necessary to do some work, prepare yourself, draw up a plan for your perfor-mance, but to listen is easy, you just sit there looking at the person you are talking to.”

But this is not so. In the listening process you must analyze what has been said, express your reaction on time, because even an un-timely nod of your head may ruin the whole process.

It is necessary to realize that listening is serious work, in the process of which we must be the one who is giving, creating a specific atmosphere, filling the space with peace, respect and love. If you are listening inattentively, but treating what you have heard with contempt, this will offend the person you are talking to and ruin your relationship.

40-60without getting similar

signals from you

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For instance, if during the process of interpersonal communica-tion you are leaning back on the back of the chair, crossing your arms and legs, then this person unconsciously will become aggres-sive towards you even if he is not able to read body language.

You must make use of non-verbal techniques: in this case, lean forward to the person who is speaking, showing thus that what he is saying is interesting to you, etc. People perceive all this unconsciously. Watch your behaviour, be “here and now”, try to hear what the person is saying, give him support if this is necessary, all this is serious work, and the bigger your ego is, the more difficult it is to do this work.

4. It is very important to concentrate all your attention on the central ideas and not to devote your attention to topics of secondary importance.

Again, the greater the ego is, the more personal associations and desires are there to communicate them instead of listening to the person you are talking to. Somebody is telling you what has happened to them, expecting sympathy and support, and you start recalling something personal and “let your mind wander far away” or, what is considerably worse, start talking about what you have remembered, thereby disturbing the course of the conversation and creating a hostile attitude towards you.

Try to stick to a specific strategy, logical structure in the course of the dialogue. This will help you make the conversa-tion really constructive.

5. If the situation permits, it is very useful to take notes on what you have heard.

If you are discussing something important, it is better to get yourself a notepad and to take notes. This allows you to record the key moments and subsequently to keep them fresh in your memory. Remember the following rule: If you don’t take notes, all that remains in your memory after one week won’t be more than 5 % of the information you heard. “Yes, we talked to him

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about the holiday” is all that you remember, but the details will be lost, although the conversation was very specific and de-tailed. Apart from that, if somebody is taking note of what he has heard, he earns himself great respect.

6. In the process of listening you must refrain from object-ing, even if the person you are talking to, in your opinion, is ob-viously mistaken.

Of course, in this case, your feelings will worry you and you will want to immediately object, to “put the lost sheep back on the right path”, but you shouldn’t do it straight away, and often later on. At first, allow the other person to say what’s on his mind, to explain his point of view and to present facts. Admit to yourself, at least theoretically, that your knowledge and your views of the world are not the most accurate in the Universe.

It is very important not to let your emotions influence you, because the more heated the conversation is, the stronger will be the desire to influence the point of view of the person you are talking to and the more disharmonious will be the com-munication. Your task is not to spark off heated debates, but to calm down the person who is speaking (and yourself at the same time, if this is necessary) and to transfer the dialogue from the level of emotions to the level of facts.

If you are on the level of emotions, it is not possible to listen effectively. As soon as your mind and ego switch on, your intel-lect and intuition switch off, and the contact with the divine energy is lost. Emotional listening very often leads to incomprehension and conflict, because it usually stands for two extremes: you either criti-cize the person you are talking to or you idolize him, or else it mani-fests itself in an extreme positive or negative relationship to some other person.

7. It is very important to keep a clear head and to ask lead-ing questions in order to understand how accurately you un-derstand what has been said.

Sudden vigorous objections, which are a result of incomplete


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understanding, may lead to the emergence of a psychological deaf-ness. It is not necessary to assume the role of the prosecutor, that is, to look for something that has been said incorrectly. In-stead, look for the positive aspect in things. If, in your mind, somebody is talking utter nonsense, there is no need to argue with him; it is enough to mildly ask him to take the obvious facts as his starting point.

Disputes do not bring truth. Disputes, as a rule, only ruin rela-tionships. You can be listening attentively for 20-30 minutes where-after the person opens his heart to you, but one vigorous objection from you and that’s that: “the bridge has been burned.” Instead, look at the positive side of it, don’t concentrate on the mistakes of the speaker. And always give a feedback: “Yes, you were correct in remarking that…” People like it when they are understood and supported. Besides, what’s the point of arguing and criticizing peo-ple whoever they may be? If we concentrate on the mistakes and the negative qualities of others, we ourselves begin to soak them up and become what our unconscious is tuned into. People who deride politicians gossip about the people around them and reveal the various shortcomings in others, degenerate and often become ill and experience suffering.

8. It is very important to summarize what has been said, for the person you are talking to and for yourself.

On the unconscious level, people feel tremendous satisfaction when others sum up what they have said. By acting in this way, you show respect for the person who is speaking. Summarizing is useful for you and for the person you are talking to. Having heard your summary, he sees himself, hears what he has said as seen from out-side with your eyes and ears, and his perception may change.

9. It is necessary to practise listening regularly. Do this whenever possible.

For instance, you are riding a bus. Don’t waste time need-lessly; concentrate on, listen to the sounds reaching your ears, to what other passengers are talking about. Put yourself into the role of the person who speaking, pay attention to how his manner of

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speech is perceived by the fellow-passengers, etc.

Practise this constantly. In order to develop effective listen-ing skills you will need about six months. Without this skill, you will never master the art of interpersonal communication.

10. It is very important to analyze the non-verbal signals sent by the person you are talking to.

By and large, it is precisely those signals that carry the most important information. When somebody is talking to you, you see whether he is open-minded or not. Let’s assume that he can speak on the level of facts: “My wife such a … I want to get di-vorced”. Watch how his body reacts, how his pupils move, what kind of emotions he is displaying at that moment, and you may find, in fact, that he doesn’t believe his own words or doesn’t intend to do what he has said.

How can you, for instance, determine if the person you are talk-ing to has had enough and wants to leave? Look attentively; in this case, his body will already be half-turned to go although he himself perhaps does not notice it. If so, it is not worth holding him up. It is better to end the dialogue tactfully and to say goodbye.

11. Assess the content of the information you have received and not the behaviour or the personality of the person speak-ing. This rule must be observed by you each time you communi-cate with someone whose philosophy of life differs from yours, for instance, if he is a follower of another religion or adherent of a different philosophical school.

Becoming personal (“And what are you yourself? When did you gain an understanding of that?”) is something which is undue. You must not criticize the person. You may only express your opin-ion about philosophy. This way you do not offend the person you are talking to.

In such a situation it will be better to say: “I understand your point of view, but the facts show that perhaps it is not right”, upon which you must calmly state these facts if you are given the chance to express your opinion.


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The effectiveness of the majority of managers’ work depends on how they communicate with their employees face to face. Man-agement means working with people, and the central task of a manager is to create interrelations with his subordinates.

Effective managers never forget that many people prefer to speak and not to listen, when, in fact, the situation and the progress of interpersonal communication are really controlled by the person who is listening. The best American experts in business psychology have long since understood that: really successful are only those businessmen who are able to listen.

A modern parable about a manager and a programmer

Someone who was making a trip in a hot-air balloon discovered that he had lost his bearings. He descended a little and noticed a wom-an on the ground. Having descended a little further, he addressed her:

- “Pardon, could you please help me? I have arranged with a friend to meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know exactly where I am at the moment.”

- “You are in a hot-air balloon 30 feet above ground, between 40 and 41 degrees northern latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees western longitude,” answered the lady.

- “You’re probably a programmer, aren’t you?” he exclaimed.- “Yes. How did you guess that?” she said amazed.- “Because you gave me an absolutely precise answer, but I have

absolutely no idea what to do with this information. I’m still lost. To be frank, you haven’t helped me in the slightest,” he said.

- “You’re probably a manager, aren’t you?” she stated.- “Yes. And how did you guess that?” he said amazed.- “You don’t know where you are or in which direction you’re head-

ing. You got up there by means of hot air. You made a promise which you cannot hope to keep and you expect the people below you solve your problems. And, finally, you’re still in the same situation you were before you met me, but for some reason now I’m to blame for it!”

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How to motivate othersto listen to us?

1. It is very important to remember that if you listen to somebody attentively, then, on a subconscious level, he will ac-cept what you are saying and he will respect you, and therefore he will listen to you as attentively when you start speaking.

Interpersonal communication takes place on a higher level, both elevating you spiritually and solving all problems.

Scientists have discovered that even elementary particles change their behaviour when they are controlled. The same takes place with people when they feel that they are listened to attentive-ly, are taken for what they are, are not blamed and no-one tries to “put them on the right path.“ Imagine that you are simply listening attentively, not saying anything, and the person is spiritually grow-ing before your eyes.

For some Western people, particularly some religious preachers, the notion of benefit means, above all, that it is necessary to help and rescue a person, to “do something good for him”, to “enlight-en” him (the poor soul, silly little thing) or to persuade him. Such a view of the world is detrimental, because it is not based on support (goodness), but on activities, changes (passion), and on the sub-conscious level where the “person to be rescued” gets the message that “You’re not OK” from the “rescuer”.

As you can imagine, the “lost sheep” responds to such actions neither with respect for the “benefactor” nor with any desire to accept the “good” imposed on him. And even if, at the beginning, the “person to be rescued” does accept what he has heard, then

If the people around you don’t hear you, fall to your knees in front of them and pray for forgiveness, because, to be honest, you are yourself to blame.

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it won’t be long before he begins to feel irritation with and even aggression towards the person who is trying to “help” him. As a result, the “rescuer” proves to himself yet again that there is a lot of truth in the popular saying: “Don’t do good and you won’t get evil in return.”

In the whole of Creation, everything emanates from love, is built up and is destroyed by love. In every one of us there is an urgent and fundamental need to love and accept the world around us and be loved in order that people accept us as we are. And if you don’t satisfy this need in people, you will never build up warm relationships with them, which means that your relationships will not help either of you to become happy and healthy.

2. It is necessary to consciously select the right tone for in-terpersonal communication.

In other words, this means that it is necessary to adapt your-self to the tone of voice and the speed of the person you are talk-ing to, so that you are “on one and the same wavelength” with him. Imagine that someone is telling you something quickly and in a loud voice, and that you are responding slowly and in a very quiet voice. What will his reaction be? Most probably, this will only confuse him, but it will by no means be conducive to establishing contact between you. If, however, you suddenly shout something in a quiet lecture hall, it is only natural that you, too, will be taken inadequately.

The more similar we are to somebody, the better he will ac-cept what we have to say. This is particularly important and can be felt in a one-on-one conversation. However, if that person is in a state of high emotional excitement, it is totally unneces-sary to come down to his level and to start telling him some-thing with exactly the same level of emotion as his.

3. Do you remember what I said about body language?As has already been said, if you lean forward a little to the per-

son you are talking to, slightly stretching your neck and nodding from time to time, then the person who is speaking subconsciously

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understands that you are listening attentively to him. But all this must be done naturally; for if someone senses insincerity, it will cause them to distrust you and be aggressive to you.

Non-verbal means of interpersonal communication are enormously important: a frank smile, an interested look, etc. (once again, provided they are displayed sincerely).

During the communication process it is desirable that you and the person you are talking to are on the same level. If, for instance, your seat is higher than the seat of the person you are talking to, or you are sitting on a sofa and he on the floor, it is possible that this will unconsciously create a parent-child situa-tion which is not conducive to an interpersonal communication on an equal footing.

But if you are a manager, then you must conduct the conversa-tion with your subordinates in such a way that they are sitting lower and you are sitting at the head of the table. And, on the contrary, if you are speaking with your superior or with your teacher, you must take a lower position both in the direct and in the figurative sense. This is the reason why in all spiritual schools the teacher sits or stands in an elevated position. He subconsciously evokes respect from the listener.

4. It is very important that your posture is relaxed. This demonstrates calmness and the absence of aggression towards the person you are talking to.

What is also required is eye contact (for about 60 % of the time). It is necessary from time to time to look into the eyes of people with whom you are communicating.

5. Your remarks must never be critical or, even worse, of-fensive.

Your ego is always trying to criticize, blame, mock other people and praise yourself. This will ruin any relationship.


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Recommendations for thosewho are speaking

1. Always know exactly what you want to say. If you learn to listen to other people, you will see that many people speak with-out any logic, jumping from one idea to another, without any spe-cific meaning to their words. Their organs of speech simply express what crosses their mind.

Now you are certainly thinking: “Can I really speak like that?” That’s why you must try not to become like such “orators” but to always follow this rule: at the beginning, define your point of view as to what you want to say, and speak only then.

2. Try to find out as much as possible about the person who will be listening to you. Even if this is a close friend, whom you have known well and for a long time, it is better all the same to be curious about how he is, what mood he is in and to listen to him for some time. This is the only way you can understand this person’s emotional and energy level at the present moment.

If you want to show the person you are talking to some truth in the conversation, it is most important not to become irritated and not to say a single unkind or offensive word.

Epictetus

Clarity is the main merit of speech.Aristotle

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3. Create a favourable impression of yourself. This implies, first and foremost, that you must be aware of your non-verbal behaviour. One day, I became witness to the following situation: somebody was telling a story to a large group of friends, and they were all listening with interest. Then, suddenly, in the middle of a sentence, he spat. Everybody was shocked and, although he con-tinued to narrate no less fascinatingly, the interest of those listening to him had died down considerably.

Women and children in particular attach great significance to non-verbal behaviour. If you are a school teacher, your pupils will definitely notice how you are dressed, what type of broach or tie, for instance, you are wearing; all this is somehow of value to them. Children see everything; nothing escapes their attention, especially if you are their form master. A child “reads” you in terms of your behaviour and sees everything with his/her eyes (this especially concerns children up to the age of three). Therefore, always be in control of your non-verbal behaviour.

Have you ever seen that a pupil who doesn’t like his teacher likes the subject that that teacher teaches him?

Remember: if somebody doesn’t respect you, then no matter what clever things you tell him, he won’t listen and accept what you tell him.

4. Make sure that the person who is talking to you under-stands you correctly. People may understand one and the same words completely differently. That is why from time to time you must sum up what has been said. If you have been asked some-thing and you have answered, then you must definitely clarify: “Have I answered your question? Are you satisfied?” If the person you are talking to hasn’t understood something and shows that he is unsure of himself by answering: “Well, on the whole, yes…”, then suggest that he ask about everything that is still incomprehen-sible. If necessary, rephrase your statements or offer additional information.


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5. Improve the performance of your memory. For this, there are many different techniques. For instance, visualize what you have told someone by using plausible examples.

Don’t present your information dryly by saying: first-ly, secondly, and so on.

You must create vivid images, because the mind re-members them more easily.

6. Use humour. Present your material in an illogical, unpre-dictable way. This will prevent the person you are talking from getting bored and will sharpen his perception. Good humour is virtually always appropriate, with the exception, perhaps, of fu-neral ceremonies, but even in these cases there are exceptions to the rule.

I have recorded several video training sessions on the topic of the importance of the sense of humour. I hope that they will be of use to you.

7. Create a rapport with your listener. “Have you understood me?” This is very important for the person who is speaking. You must feel that he sees you, perceives what you have said in its en-tirety. Try to be on the same “wavelength” with him.

8. Work with facts, frequently ask yourself and the person you are talking to the following questions: “How?”, “How of-ten?”, “When?”, “Where?”, “In comparison to what?” This will help both of you to concentrate on something specific of a problematic nature, will make you think and speak construc-tively and will not permit you to come down to the emotional level.

In order for people to lend an ear to your opinion, you must be-come a person who is internally content, who asks questions which stimulate thinking, defines terms, analyzes alternative options, and refrains from drawing conclusions without having the actual facts in his hands.

Even a person, who is not very mature intellectually and who

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has heard you make some false statements, will calmly say: “This does not correspond with the truth.”

One of the key rules of successful interpersonal communication is to stay clear of the role triangle “victim – rescuer – aggressor” and to motivate other people to lend you an ear. For this, it is necessary to avoid the tendency to give advice and to try to pres-ent your ideas and the facts as clearly as possible.

Say only what you see with your own eyes, what you know for sure. It is very important to present your ideas and facts, because logic suppresses unneces-sary emotions, it brings us into the “here and now” state of mind.

Everybody in this world has the right to err

Whenever we convey ideas and information, we are giving the persons who are listening to us the freedom of choice, permit-ting them to independently define their attitude to what has been said. In this case, they may perceive these ideas and the informa-tion in the light of their own goals, knowledge and experience, ap-plying them according to their own understanding.

A decision must never be imposed on somebody. This is an important esoteric principle. We give people ob-jective and reliable information, but they must make the choice themselves. You don’t have the right to make this choice for them, even if you are one hun-dred percent convinced of it being correct and know-ing exactly what will be better for them.

Sometimes, especially if you are totally convinced that you are right, it is difficult to restrain yourself and not to impose your opin-ion. This shows itself vividly in the relationships between parents


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and their children. You must permit someone to go through life in-dependently – this is a very important principle, because we live in a world of freedom of will.

Here, everything happens on the basis of the divine will, and love implies freedom. You have given somebody information, showed love and respect for him, tried to inspire him, but he must make his choice himself. You don’t have the right to make this choice for him. Of course, as with every rule, there are exceptions. These concern teenagers, sick people, mentally unstable people, those who are prone to criminal activity, etc.

Try to inspire and not to frighten. Strange as this may sound, sometimes it is necessary to give people a chance to make a mistake, “to take a knock”, thus acquiring an invaluable experience of life.

I am often told: “You have told me how to behave, what the consequences will be. And I explained all that to him, but he still doesn’t understand. But what on Earth can I do, he will suffer, you know.” Yes, he will suffer, but that’s his decision, leave him alone.

Don’t be afraid. Suffering is a form of development. Not all people are able to learn from other people’s mistakes; there are people who understand only suf-fering, and such a choice is their holy right. By giving people freedom to act according to their own discre-tion, you are expressing respect for people. Thus, you are showing that you are respecting his goals, knowledge and experience.

Of course, there must be no exaggerations: “Well, come on, come on, you doubting Thomas, if you don’t want to listen to me – suffer. Now, you will get the full “benefit” of life. Go and rejoice in your freedom of choice”. But that is coming from your ego. You are supposed to love people, to wish them divine love and give it, and not “send” them on a mission of suffering.

However, it must also be remembered that the above-men-tioned can only be applied to a mature, sensible person. It is better

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not to give little children, emotionally unstable women for whom you are responsible, or stupid people who are unable to control their feelings a lot of choices, or else they are bound to get up to such things …

Don’t forget yet another tremendously important factor: the karmic interchange begins when you are emotionally involved. If you simply calmly watch people, love them, and see God be-hind everything, then you are not entering into interrelations with them on the karma level. But as soon as something touches on your emotions, an attachment to something will be formed in you, you will obtain a karma on the spot – a good or a bad one. Therefore, the entire Oriental philosophy says: whatever happens, internally people must always stay calm and contented.

He who treads gentlywill get farther

By suggesting a hasty decision, we are depriving the person listening of the possibility to analyze the situation independently. The more attention we devote to the analysis of facts, different op-tions of choice and their possible consequences, the less likely it will be that we make a wrong decision.

It is very important to calmly receive the praises ad-dressed to you, not to become attached to them. If someone is free to make a positive judgement about some of your actions, then he may also make a negative one at another time. The more you depend on praise, the more you will feel hurt if you are criticized.

Say not always what you know, but always know what you say.

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Don’t become dependent on other people’s opinion about yourself.

It is also useful to remember: When you pass a judge-ment, recommend something, you unconsciously feel superior and the person being judged will defi-nitely sense this, even if he does not perceive it. Therefore, try not to judge people: make descriptive statements, not evaluations, simply state the facts.

Our false ego is very sensitive to the opinion of other people around us. Therefore, if someone is judged, a defence mechanism instinctively goes into action and he starts justifying himself; or, on the contrary, he goes on the attack. If, however, we don’t judge someone’s behaviour, but describe him, this will help the person you are talking to see himself from a distance and to get the feeling that he is not the object of blame and humiliation. Even if this per-son asks you for your opinion about some of his actions or attitudes towards life, express it softly, don’t speak in terms of absolute truth (“this is so-and-so and so-and-so”), but as an impartial observer: “In my opinion,…”, otherwise your words will trigger in him a very strong defence mechanism.

Base your statements on facts, do not appeal to some mental concepts but to objective reality. This will help to create an atmosphere of trust and keep the relationship on the first level of listening, be-cause, as you recall, problems can only be solved ef-fectively on this level.

By listening attentively, you will help the person to view the situation impassively. Then, he himself will be able to solve any problem, without being given any advice whatsoever. Your task is to enable him to do this.

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A few thoughts in conclusion

It is very important to refrain from such behaviour as:- paying excessive attention to people (listening “with your

mouth wide open”),- being the know-it-all,- addressing your listener with a sense of superiority.

Failure to observe the last two points may lead to a desire on the part of the person listening to seek self-affirmation, to get even with you or to prove that you are not right. As soon as you have the feeling that you are conducting a conversation on the ego level, you must discontinue it instantly, for, as a rule, it won’t get you any-where.

It is very important to create a system of listening. For this pur-pose, it is necessary:

1. To analyze your listening habits, i.e. understand what barriers or filters stand in your way, to which extent the socializa-tion process disturbs you.

2. To understand the aim of interpersonal communication.

3. To improve your listening skills, not forgetting that it is necessary to create a positive atmosphere, to be constantly vigilant

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and attentive, not to let yourself be distracted, and to effectively observe non-verbal signals.

4. To show genuine interest in the person you are talking to. To act from the “I’m OK, you’re OK” attitude.

5. To be a kind of standard pitch: Express the ideas and feelings of the person you are talking to without judging, criti-cizing or blaming him for anything. Be neutral. On no account must you show anger and irritation.

6. To help the person you are talking to search for a solu-tion to his problems. Just help and do not solve them for him. Even if you solve the problem successfully, you are simply m a k -ing a user out of him, because people easily get used to other people solving their problems for them and begin to consider this the standard.

7. To create and maintain a positive atmosphere, conduct the dialogue in a constructive way. It is very important to amplify and sense the meaning of what has been said. But it is very impor-tant to do this correctly, without interrupting the person you are talking to, by waiting a short while.

8. To paraphrase the statements, ideas and considerations with special attention to the facts.

9. To react adequately and reflect the feelings of the per-son you are talking to.

10. To select the right tone and manner of expression, tak-ing into account the cultural level of the person you are talking to.

11. To sum up the key ideas and concepts.But the basis of everything is the ability to be “here and now”,

live and act consciously, try to see the manifestation of the Divine, get rid of egoism, calm down the mind and develop respect for people, because love without respect is not possible.

The Universe is speaking to us every second…

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A concluding parable “The prayer of the frog”

When Brother Bruno was at prayer one night he was disturbed by the croaking of a bullfrog. All his attempts to disregard the sound were unsuccessful so he shouted from his window, “Quiet! I’m at my prayers.”

Now Brother Bruno was a saint so his command was instantly obeyed. Every living creature held its voice so as to create a silence that would be favourable to prayer.

But now another sound intruded on Bruno’s worship— an inner voice that said, “Maybe God is as pleased with the croaking of that frog as with the chanting of your psalms.” “What can please the ears of God in the croak of a frog?” was Bruno’s scornful rejoinder. But the voice refused to give up: “Why would you think God invented the sound?”

Bruno decided to find out why. He leaned out of his window and gave the order, “Sing!” The bullfrog’s measured croaking filled the air to the ludicrous accompaniment of all the frogs in the vicinity. And as Bruno attended to the sound, their voices ceased to jar for he discovered that, if he stopped resisting them, they actually enriched the silence of the night.

With that discovery Bruno’s heart became harmonious with the uni-verse and, for the first time in his life he understood what it means to pray.

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ConclusionI had intended to comment on this fable, but every time I re-

read it, I would discover a new sense in it and find something new for myself. I therefore thought better of writing anything myself because this way I could impose my vision on you instead of what your own heart may open to you.

Because, if you are able to hear yourself, the most profound things reveal themselves to you.

We sincerely hope that this book has helped you in this …

Rami Bleckt

AcknowledgementsI would like to thank with all my heart Ilya Lisin, Georg Schwarm,

Ellansky Anton, Rabbi Lev Petzovitch, Sergey Medvedev, Utkina Maria, Igor Lutsenko, Olga Shiryaeva and everybody who helped me to publish this book. This book was published thanks to their strong desire and great efforts.

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Contact informationSubmit your requests for advice to our email address: ram-

[email protected]. Regarding purchasing CDs and books or enroll-ing for courses, please contact the telephone numbers or email ad-dresses given below:

RUSSIAMoscow | + 7 (967) 138-57-81 |[email protected]

USALos Angeles | 323-449-0016 | [email protected]

CanadaToronto | +1 (905) 889-3171 | office | +1 (705) 445-1904 |

[email protected]

Internet siteWe invite you to visit our site!

Bleckt.ca the personal site of Rami Bleckt.

It happened to see your website while searching for certain information. The posted informa-tion is very good. I would like to be a regular reader of your articles. You are doing a wonderful job. Let the almighty give you all strength that required.

Thank you,Spiritually yours,S. Gouri Shanke


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“Three Energies. The Forgotten Canons of Health and Harmony”

In this book, the author presents the laws of nature in an acces-sible and interesting way; without knowing these laws, it is impos-sible to become a happy, healthy and harmonious person.

Formerly, this knowledge was known only in closed oriental medical, psychological and spiritual schools. The aim of the book is to bring this knowledge to all people, independent of their na-tionality, religion, age, etc. Because in nature everything is orga-nized in such a way that everybody can be healthy and harmonious.

In this book you can find the answer to the key question: “Why, as matter as fact, do we live?” Having received the answer to this most important question, we will, of course, come up with other ones, for instance, “How to live properly?” The book “The Three Energies” answers these questions consistently. This factually based informative book covers virtually all aspects of life, beginning with the rules “How to make your bed”, “How to feed yourself properly”, and ending with the plan-ning of pregnancy and the bringing-up of children.

Rami Bleckt teaches the science of controlling the three life energies and, as a result, the ability to live in harmony with yourself and the surrounding world. And if you learn diligently and if you are not lazy, then “your life will get better in every respect!” This is the most important mantra and the goal of Rami Bleckt’s doctrine.

But this book can also be perceived not only as a textbook, but also as a “virtual” conversa-tion with a good and clever person. There are such days when externally everything is more or less all right, but internally something is wrong. Then it is the right time to skim through the book “The Three Energies”; it contains many fables, philosophical propositions of wise men of all masters and confessions and even anecdotes.

Alex Dubas, writer, journalist and radio presenter of the broadcasting station Serebryany doshd

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Fate and IHaving been answering people’s letters and questions for many

years, Rami Bleckt was able to change the fate of hundreds of peo-ple for the better in all respects. And, what surprises most, not only of those who were asking him questions, but also of other people who read his answers. For in his answers he refers to the wisdom of many great masters, the knowledge of Vedic astrology and alterna-tive psychology and, of course, his own intuition.

All this in the aggregate makes it possible to solve any problem. And owing to the fact that people’s problems are similar in many respects, then everybody can find exactly what they need by read-ing this book.

“When I first got hold of Rami Bleckt’s book, I thought that I would skim it through within a

few minutes. Taking my education as a physicist into account, it was difficult for me to expect that his answers to letters from the readers’ column in a women’s magazine could be of any surprise to me.

And, none the less, suddenly I noticed that I was reading them with great interest, trying to grasp the meaning of every word…

I was pleasantly surprised to find the author easily referring to Lyall Watson and his Hun-dredth Monkey PhenomenonEffect, the paradigms of Thomas Kuhn or the studies of Max Luscher in the column of a weekly magazine. And the most important aspect was how the author con-stantly emphasizes that the choice of behaviour is always left up to the people themselves…

The book “Fate and I” is written from the heart, and that is why the author’s love for people shines in every answer.”

Elisabeth Levin, doctor of physical science, the author of the book “The Celestial Twins. Codes of Fate. Twins of Time”.


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“How to Make a Deal with the Universe or the Planets’ Influence on our Fate and

Health”In their cognisance of the world, the ancient highly developed

civilizations relied on specific knowledge, which had been given to them by heaven, and, so, they lived in harmony with nature.

If we live according to this knowledge, the stars will be on our side, the Universe will become our best friend, and each new day will bestow upon us health, success and happiness. And how you can achieve this, how you can to find your place in this world, and how you can come to an agreement with the Universe is available to you in this book.

“I recently began to notice that I can feel the energy that radiates from people, although, for the time being, I cannot define what I am feeling: I am simply at a loss for words in my own language to describe what is happening with me. Now, I understand better what you meant, that man doesn’t exist, but energy does.

I would like to mention that it has become a lot easier to rid oneself of habitual labels, which we like to pin on each other when we are communicating. This happened after having read your book “How to Make a Deal with the Universe or the Planets’ Influence on our Fate and Health”.

Thank you so much for it! It is simply stunning! I am using it as a textbook and a reference book. The information which is gathered in it is structured to such an extent and presented in an accessible way that one can only praise it.

As a teacher, I like the book very much. The identical formats used in presenting the informa-tion with regard to each planet and explaining the material are very good, thereby creating a logical structure in the conscious that becomes firmly anchored in our memory.”

Rami Bleckt

106

10 Steps on the Way to HappinessIn every bookshop you’ll find a huge number of books that are

devoted to the topic of how to be successful in life and become happy. But, for some reason, the number of happy and healthy people is not increasing.

The reason for this is that studying such books does not bear fruit. The people’s character and the view of the world are not changed.

Apart from practical advice, this book presents deep thoughts in simple words and, when you read it, you can get rid of conscious and unconscious negative programmes, internal complexes, hurt feelings, fears, and everything that prevents us from being happy, healthy and successful.

“I am very happy that this book has been published. It asks fundamental questions about the destiny of man and how to find it. Rami Bleckt’s profound analysis permits people to become highly effective in achieving their goals, giving them a taste of the richness, harmony and integrity of life. Whoever wants to achieve both results in his life must definitely read this book.”

Oleg Gadezky, the best psychologist-coach of the 3rd International Festival of the Stars of Western and Oriental psychology

Dear Rami,I have just finished your book. It is fantastic. I could not decide which chapter is my favourite,

because all chapters are very important and useful. I think, everybody should read your book. To tell the truth, when you gave me the book, I was a bit skeptic. I have seen many books on manage-ment and spiritual bestsellers, I have read some of them, but something was always missing. Your book gave me a lot. Actually, it systematized my thoughts. I have heard and known the information mostly, but now everything seems very clear, and I know, I can build in my life. Moreover, this is very important to use the knowledge. Before, when I read a book about happiness or wellbeing, I agreed with a lot of things, but couldn’t use in my life, because after some days or weeks I forgot to use the rules. Now I realized that the problem was that the books could not give a deep impression, could not touch my heart so deeply, like your book. When I was reading your book, in every minute I felt the changes in my life. I can say it is natural and easy to follow your advice that is why it works for me. You really caught the essence and the aim of the life. I think I will read your book more and more. Congratulations and thank you for giving me such a big support.

Dr Lili

RAMI BLECKT

THE ALCHEMY OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS

THE ART OF LISTENING AND BEING HEARD

Translation – Georg Schwarm, Ellansky Anton

Editor – Olga Shiryaeva

Layout – Igor Lutsenko, Hansa Studio

Cover design – Hansa Studio

Publishing house OOO BlagodarenieTel: +7 (967) 138-57-81

E-mail: [email protected]

Address of the site in the Internet: www.bleckt.ca

Printed at OAO Tipografiya Novosti105005 Moscow, ul. Ar. Engelsa, 46

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