The Advocate (Vol. 18, Issue 11)College of William & Mary Law School William & Mary Law School Scholarship Repository
Student Newspaper (Amicus, Advocate...) Archives and Law School History
1987
Copyright c 1987 by the authors. This article is brought to you by the William & Mary Law School Scholarship Repository. https://scholarship.law.wm.edu/newspapers
Repository Citation "The Advocate (Vol. 18, Issue 11)" (1987). Student Newspaper (Amicus, Advocate...). 233. https://scholarship.law.wm.edu/newspapers/233
/lJ'm Donating My Lungs To Science, /I Pledges Neal Cabral
Martha Rush:
EXCLUSIVE
INTERVIEW!
Personality Charade
Q: Did Steve Mister and Amy Cook really threaten to "break every bone" in Damian Horn e's body if he continued his column, and is that the real reason we no lon~er see Cojones? - J.M. , Nellport News
A: We'd love to answer this ques­ tion, but Steve and Amy probably wouldn't be t09 pleased, and ... well, you never know.
1. Sweden 2. Switzerland 3. Japan 4. U.S.A. 5. West Germany 6. United Kingdom 7. U.S.S.R. 8. Brunei 9. Canada
10. Denmark
8.5 9.2 3.1415 7.6 4.0 6.5 6.66 1.2 3.8 6.9
Q : Is it true that Liza Minnelli recently took a vacation from her relationship with her Hollywood chiropractor to have a furtive love feast with M-W law professor Walt Williams ? Louise Lee Smith, Phoebus, l 'a .
A Minnelii . ~1, is the daughter of Vincente Minnelli and J udy Garland the star of the movie classic "Gone With The Wind. " Minnelli won the Academy Award for Best Actress for the movie "Cabaret," a musical/drama set in a Berlin nightspot during the first years of the Nazi regime in the 1930·s. Joel Gray. currently touring wit.h the stage show of . ·Cabaret. ·· also won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his work in "Carabet." Her later films have not been as suc­ cessful , either with the critics or at the box office. Most notable among these films is " New York, New York." which also starred Robert DeNiro. DeNiro. 45. attend­ ed the Juilliard School and reportedly has severa]] il­ legitimate children by Swedish film editor Gerte Schlmpfn. Min­ nelli recently told DeNiro that she thought his work in the Roland Joffe fi lm "The Mission." which also stars Jeremy Irons of "The French Lieutenant's Woman" fame. wa some of his strongest work to date.
Q: Is it true that Dean Sullivan was recently overheard to have said at a faculty meeting, "SCrE~.w the little crybabies - I got my park­ ing space, and student evaluations are closed now anyway"? And is it also true that he recently show­ ed up at the Green Leafe in a dubious state of sobriety singing, " Love to nail those first years .. . first years what I love to nail"? And did he then cruise the frat par­ ties with Paul Verkuil in his Porsche, accosting Kappa Kappa
Q: Settle a bet for me. Did George Wythe really exist as a legitimate historical figure? I have five dollars saying he did . S.M., Sioux Falls
A: Sorry, S.M., you lose. George Wythe is a fictionalized trademark character created on a drawing board at the Colonial Williamsburg studios, much like Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker and Uncle Ben. Ever since this marketing strategy was introduc­ ed around the turn of the eigh-
Q: I've heard that the Denver Broncos have reneged on their promise to sign Archie Harris after discovering that he's an out­ of·the-closet tran~vestite. Any truth to this? - M.S. , Ogden, Vt.
A : Greatly exaggerated. Archie has been seen lately sporting a pocketbook (SEE PHOTO
Gammas with the line "Hey, fabulous babe, want some help getting into law school"? Then did he get picked up by the local con­ stabulary for shadowboxing in his underwear at Merchant 's Square, occasionally impailing an im­ aginary Bernie Corr with his trus­ ty umbrella? -S.J., Williamsburg
A·' • No.
teenth century, tuition revenues at the law school have " really gone through the roof," according to Faye Shealy, who was kind enough to check her records. "People real­ ly take the character seriously," said a bemused Connie Galloway. " It's unreal. We get mail for him all the time, prefaced for some reason by the first name of 'Mar­ shal. '" Chuckled Galloway, "Peo­ ple sure are funny."
BELOW), and there has been some talk of giving him a separate locker once he's drafted by the NFL but Harris cleared up the misunderstanding and all is now well. Explained an exasperated Harris " I usually just carry my knapsack, but today it didn 't match my outfit. "
Q : I have heard a lot about Soviet Union lately. Who is he? How old is he? I have a bet with my brother that he starred op­ posite Jack Klugman in the 1950's TV show " It's Your _Nickel?" Is it true he and Valerie Bertinelli were very serious before she decided to dump him in favor of Eddie Van Halen? How tall is Soviet Union? Did he have a love child with Raisa Gorbachev? David L. Bronstein, Mexico City
A: The Soviet Union, also refer­ red to as the Union of Soviet Socialist ReQublics, is not a per­ son, but a nation-state. In fact, it is the largest nation in the world with the world's third largest population. The Soviet Union will be seventy years old this coming November 2. It was founded by a lawyer named Lenin and has never had a starring role in any American television series. Ber­ tinelli, 27, visited the Soviet Union in 1985, but nothing reportedly came of the contact. Reports of a love child with Raisa Gorbachev, 51 , could not be confirmed. Gor­ bachev, though, has apparently been seen in the company of her husband, Mikhail, 54, at Moscow nightspots and Communist Party functions .
Q: Some law profes sor told me President Reagan didn't in vent the hand formulae on negligence. Could you straighten him out?
A: Most legal scholars credit Justice Learned Hand with cham­ pioning the original formulae. A person is found guilty of negligence if the probability of an injury factored by the resultant damage is less than the cost of preventing the harm.
President Reagan did simplify the rule recently. Under the Reagan hand formulae. a harried president need only ask a small gathering of reporters. " If anyone here can say. for sure what they were doing on March 8. 1986. raise your hand ." If the show of hands exceeds the president's personal charisma rating. he is guilty of negligence; otherwise he walks.
CHARADE Television Show ... ............................ ...................... Melanie Minnelli Second Syllable .. ..... ..... .. ......... .......... ........... .. .............. .. Old n' Gray Sounds Like ... .. .................... .. ...... ........ ........................ .. . Feel Steele
ew World ... ................. ..... ............. ......... .. ................... Cheri Ludes Hunting Dogs Editor ..... .. ........... ... .............. ......... ...... Larrv Mueller Broadway Show ... ... ........... ............. ... : ............. ......... George Spelvin Rhymes With .................................... ...... ......... ........ ...... Bill Spelvin Third Word .......... ...... .... .. ......... ... ........................ .... Steve 1ulroney Upper Case Lips Editor ..... ...... ... .... ..... .. ........ .... ............. Yim Koung Motion Picture .. ......... .. ........ ............ ...... ....... .... .. .... .. . Susan Hubona
The Sunday Supplement to the Advocate -------------------_______________ Popular Song ......................... .... .... ............................... .. Gregg Paw
Wednesday, April 1, 1987 The judicial Pm·~·l"r o f the Cnited States. shall be "-ested in one supreme Court. and in liuch
inferior COUT't'i as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish. The Judges. both of the supreme and inferior Courts, shall hold their Offices during good Behavior. and shall. at slated Times. reeei,,"c for their Services. a Compensation. which shaU not be diminished during their Continuance in OHice.
..... ................... .................. .. ...... ..... . and Doug Klein as the Beav" The jud icial Power shall extend to aU Case . in Law and Equity. arising under this Con­
stitut ion. the laws of the CDited States. and Treaties made. or which shall be made. under their Authority;-t o all Cases affecting Arnbassado£'$, other public Ministers and Consuls: -to all Cases of admiralty .iJnd maritimeJurisdiction: - to Controversies to wruch the Coited States shall be a Party;-lo Controversies between ~'O or more States;-be~'~n a State and Citizens of another State;-be""""cen Citizens of different States;-between Citizen of the same State claiming Lands under Grants of djfferent States, and between a St'ate, or the Citizens thereof. and foreign Slates. Citizeos or SUbject .
Wednesday, April 1, 1987
HORNE RECANTS Controversial columnist Da­
mian Horne has undergone a change of heart. " I want to apologize to everyone I've offend­ ed - individually," a contrite Horne told this reporter in a recent inter­ view. He expects to be " pretty much booked up 'til November."
"I realized what an absolute, in­ sensitive cad I've been, and . .. well, frankly I was mortified," jit­ tered Horne as he answered ques­ tions at a National Organization for Women Rally in Washington this past weekend. " I've decided to devote my life to developing respect and tolerance for all peo­ pie." Missionary work in a Third World country is " not out of the question ."
What prompted the abrupt tourabout? ,It was a lot of things," Horne admitted. The process started with the flack Horne received from the ASPCA about that"green monkey" and " Bjnky the Gerbil" column he published. 'Binky's press agent called me
personally," Horne explained,
Core mistakes
Charade has learned from sources we'd bet 2: 1 on that Prof. Reamed Tothe Core was denied tenure because of a clerical error on Dean Celluloid's part. The secret Rosenberg Commission has exonerated the Dean of any wrong­ doing in the puzzling scandal dubb­ ed Coregarescamaffairarunamok. It was secret, but everyone blab­ bed like hell ; this is America.
Miami Vice Dean Williamson tried to dispel any rumors of Celluloid 's incompetence at a press conference yesterday. Williamson said Celluloid made an 'honest mistake" when he check­
ed the 'no' box under the tenure column on his daily decision sheet on Aug. 8, 1985. Williamson at­ tempted to keep reporters from Celluloid but was killed by Sam Donaldson.
When asked of the decision, Celluloid said he didn't remember and was led to believe later that Core has been traded for the Hill­ ingers. "I forgot. Do you guys remember what you were doing on Aug. 8 1985?" Rumor has it that Dean Goff Fallonface set up the Dean by dropping an issue of. "Hustler" on the floor and then marking in the 'no' box when the Dean dove to pick up the magazine. When held down and asked why he did not ask about Core's non-tenure, the Dean said he delegates authority, stays the course and has brought the Law School back.
To combat the Crisis, Celluloid has begun a policy of " obfusc," or openness, evidenced by his recent OPE meetings, apologetic, in­ gratiating tone regarding Core's tenure denial and acknowledge­ ment that students are human beings.
"Mistakes were made," he said, " but sometimes you have to take your lumps and move on." Upon hearing the word "lumps," Donaldson pulled out a club and smiled.
(left) A rare photo of Horne dur­ ing his insensitive days.
(right) Late Model Horne.
Parking Dean Sullivan and President
Verkuil , in answer to students' parking complaints, jointly an­ nounced plans to build a parking facility adjacent to the Germany Parking lot at Busch Gardens. The $90 million construction project is scheduled to start before 1990, and will provide " several dozen" spaces for frustrated Marshall­ Wythe students, according to Verkuil.
" and I was just overwhelmed. " The turning point, however, came just recently when he realized that the reason he couldn't get a date was that there were no women left in Washington whom he hadn't of­ fended . " That's when I said, 'Enough's enough !'" The ex­ columnist's plans for the future are uncertain . " I'm considering a pilgrimmage to Tibet or maybe even California. I have to find myself - you know - achieve awareness and a unity and crap like that. " Over the short-term, Horne is devoting his energy to his idea for the Class of '87 gift. " I want to establish a fund for gay Hispanic first-year males," he said.
Among the many rites of spring in Colonial Williamsburg is the annual WitfIe-Ball Spitting Contest. Charade photographer caught the winner of the canine division in mid-chuck..
"We were a little concerned about the obvious difficulty involv­ ed, you know, students scaring off tourists, students taking the double-decker buses over to the Festhaus instead of making their classes, and all that. But at that price, we just couldn 't pass it up," remarked a beaming Verkuil at a press conference in the Wren Building. Some indigent tenants currently reside at the spot, but ir. view of the "cost-beneficiality" 0
the development, " the ejectment proceedings should take no time at all, " expla ined Verkuil. Quipped Sullivan, "I know a good lawyer."
The facility will border the Ger­ many lot to the south. Students can access the law school from either the Pluto, Minnie Mouse, or Chip 'n Dale shuttle lines , which leave on the hour.
CookTakes Pocahontas to Final Four
Tom Cook is a happy man these days . The manager of Marshall­ Wvthe's female basketball team can boast of a 1-0-1 record this season. Although criticized for his unorthodox inclusion of faculty members on the court (SEE PHOTO BELOW, PROFESSOR LYNDA BUTLER AT RIGHT), Cook claims the other teams don't mind. '1 guess they figure we have enough problems," Cook said. Asked if he expected to get ' 'the girls" to the Final Four, Cook's reply was, " Huh? ... I'm sorry 1 wasn't listening . "
Captain of the Pocahontas, Marshall-Wythe's girls basketball team, Tom Cook gives instructions to his team during a time out: "Okay, girls, ten seconds left in the half, Butler, you run a fee simple determinable around Duesing and you, Miller, go up the sideline and try a quit-claim con­ veyance. And remember, whatever you do, don't violate the Rule Against Perpetuities."
• ••• • ••••• • •• • •• • •••••••••• : •• • •• ••• ;; • • ••••• • • : •••• • : ••• • ••••• : •••• : ••••• • •••• : • • • • •••••• •••• .-•• • • 4 ••• ; • •••••••• •• •••••••
Lawyers-in-Space candidates practice re-entry landing procedures in newly-constructed anti-gravity chamber at Blow Gym.
Informed sources have disclos­ ed that a secret, ' oft-discussed agreement new exists between ~he National Aeronautics and Space Administration and the American Bar Association to send distinguished members of the bar into outer space.
The plan. tentatively titled Operation Guinea Pig, reportedly originated at the Harvard Law School and the other top five schools among members of the faculty and law review who felt their credentials and resumes were so far superior that the in­ timation of earthly employment was too dreadful to bear. NASA of­ ficials apparently concurred and have scheduled several lega l flights into space for the coming year. ~. Ron Beetlejuice, NASA Pro­
ject Manager, stated; "Well, a lot of 'our un.ma·ni1ed 'rockets have .
been · blowing up and stuff. Our astronauts are very well trained , so why waste them. 1 mean, with these lawyer guys, we can stick 'urn on a rocket with some sort of communications satellite. Give them a couple of cites to look up in­ flight. And if it blows up-sure we lost the communications satellite, but at least we break even on the deal."
ASA is reportedly low on rockets . When asked what rockets would be used to take the legal scholars into space, BeetJejuice commented, " Well , actually , we may not be able to put them into rockets. We were planning on put­ ting them in tubes with explosives at the bottom. There might be some problems getting them into the fake rockets, but we figure, they're lawyers, right? As long as it's long and cylindrical, they
. won't knew the differenc~."
Thanks for submitting to this inter­ roga .. . 1 mean interview.
B: Thanks. Would you like a Constitution?
c: Sure.
B: Genuine imitation leather bindinRauthentic artificial parch­ ment, wallet size . . .
c: Wallet size would be fine ...
c: So, I understand you used to work for the government.
B: That's right. I was Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, highest court in the land.
c: You quit selling life insurance to do that?
c: To be a strike breaker? A scab? This Sobeloff guy had the wisdom and courage to see through the national hysteria, and you cut him down.
B: Well, I wouldn' t exactly put it in those terms. Could we . . .
c; Move on? Sure. Looks like Richard M. Nixon liked what he saw in you and hired you to do this Chief Justice stint.
B: It was 1969. I had served on the D.C. Court of Appeals for . ..
c: Nixon's the one who made a mockery of justice and was an em­ barrassment to Western Civiliza­ tion, right?
B: Mr. Nixon's Administration was a classic example of " power corrupts and absolute power . .. "
c; No sweat. As newly ap­ pointed Chancellor of the Marshall-Wythe School of Law, could you detail your plans for im­ proving the quality of student­ facuIty relai tons , the tenure system, academic publishing, job placement, and for alleviating the parking squeeze?
B; Eh? Whaa? Marshall with who?
c: I said, do you have any pets?
B: One. Her name is Sandra Day.
C: A kitten?
B: A pit bull terrier.
B: Well, I never rea lly wanted to sell insurance ; I only sold in­ surance to pay for law school.
c: Do you have any brothers? B: Well, in a sense I used to have
eight brethren on the Supreme Court, heh, heh. Some one wrote a book about us called the "D.C.
C: Tell me about U,S. v. Nixon. Nine" or "Brothers" or something
B: A landmark case, I wrote an like that.
c: My dad sells life insurance. Seems like a pretty respectable vocation to me.
B: Could we move on?
c: It says here you became famous by filling in when the Solicitor General refused to pro­ secute someone for disloyalty dur­ ing the McCarthy era.
B: Those were trying days. It was my duty as an American citizen to .. .
~ I I
opinion which . ..
c: Forced Trickey Dick to cough up the tapes and book a flight to Rio?
B: Well, that's putting it rather succinctly, but ...
c: So Mr. Nixon, your mentor, the guy who brought you up through the ranks to the highest judicial post in the land- he can hold you directly responsible for getting him booted out of office?
B: Look, I didn't come here to . Could we just . . . .
we will cry out in our eloquent Hell evoke thoughts o~ nine sets of Elvis Costello's " Alison."
yve want the world to be better because we lived. lea rning and helping each other learn the sport. And while it still continues. drifts form in to ea rth.
c: All you guys related? You tellin ' me Justice Marshall is yow Noted for his disdain of the press during his tenure on the Court, new/y-appointed
. brother? Chancellor of the College of William and Mary Warren Burger granted the fo llow­ ing Charade interview but subsequently refused to be associated with this artic/e.
B: Well, not in a legal sense, we just call each other brother when we write opinions.
B: You're not the first inter­ viewer to try that joke, you know
c: Wait, come back . . . I'm not finished . . . Where did your parents get a name like " Burger" ? \Vhen are the men in white gonna put Stevens in a jacket? What does Sandy wear under the robes? .. .
c: Sounds like a racial slur to me.
c: Sorry, Chief.
B: Fine. Just forget it. I was the third of three SODS .
B: Hey, who the (expression deleted, calculated to shock the reasonable conscience) granted you this interview? I 've had enough of your (e.d. , c.t.s.t.r.c.) questions .
C: Now you're referring to your real brothers, Bacon and Cheese .
-- --- ~. - -- - . : .. . ~ .......................................................................................... . · · · · · · · · · · Through the wonder of computer graphics technology and the
generous courtesy of Dean of Admissions Touchy Fealy, who made available all statistics currently available on the incom­ ing class of Marshall-Wythe who are now receiving their ac- ceptance letters, Charade magazine has assembled this " com­ posite " rendering of what will be appearing at Marshall­ Wythe's doorstep next August , the statistically typical me'mber of the class of 1990 .
These feeli ngs seem to be shared her very words to me were, "We surrender only to wa'rm snowfall. ·'
College of William & Mary Law School
William & Mary Law School Scholarship Repository
1987
Repository Citation