THEADORATIONofJENNA.FOX

MARYE.PEARSONCalifornia

Iusedtobesomeone.SomeonenamedJennaFox.That'swhattheytellme.ButIammorethananame.Morethantheytell

me.Morethanthefactsandstatisticstheyfillmewith.Morethanthevideoclipstheymakemewatch.

More.ButI'mnotsurewhat."Jenna,comesitoverhere.Youdon'twanttomissthis."ThewomanIam

supposedtocallMotherpatsthecushionnexttoher."Come,"shesaysagain.Ido."Thisisanhistoricmoment,"shesays.Sheputsherarmaroundmeand

squeezes.Iliftthecornerofmymouth.Thentheother:asmile.BecauseIknowIamsupposedto.Itiswhatshewants.

"It'safirst,"shesays."We'veneverhadawomanpresidentofNigeriandescentbefore."

"Afirst,"Isay.Iwatchthemonitor.IwatchMother'sface.I'veonlyjustlearnedhowtosmile.Idon'tknowhowtomatchherotherexpressions.Ishould.

"Mom,comesitwithus,"shecallsouttowardthekitchen."It'sabouttostart."

Iknowshewon'tcome.Shedoesn'tlikeme.Idon'tknowhowIknow.Herfaceisasplainandexpressionlesstomeaseveryoneelse's.Itisnotherface.Itissomethingelse.

"I'mdoingafewdishes.I'llwatchfromthemonitorinhere,"shecallsback.Istand."Icanleave,Lily,"Ioffer.Shecomesandstandsinthearcheddoorway.ShelooksatMother.They

exchangeanexpressionItrytounderstand.Mother'sfacedropsintoherhands.

"She'syournana,Jenna.You'vealwayscalledherNana.""That'sallright.ShecancallmeLily,"shesaysandsitsdownontheother

sideofMother.

AwarenessThereisadarkplace.AplacewhereIhavenoeyes,nomouth.Nowords.Ican'tcryoutbecauseIhavenobreath.ThesilenceissodeepIwanttodie.ButIcan't.Thedarknessandsilencegoonforever.Itisnotadream.Idon'tdream.

WakingTheaccidentwasoverayearago.I'vebeenawakefortwoweeks.Overa

yearhasvanished.I'vegonefromsixteentoseventeen.Asecondwomanhasbeenelectedpresident.Atwelfthplanethasbeennamedinthesolarsystem.Thelastwildpolarbearhasdied.Headlinenewsthatcouldn'tstirme.Isleptthroughitall.

Icriedonwaking.That'swhattheytellme.Idon'trememberthefirstday.LaterIheardLilywhispertoMotherinthekitchenthatmycriesfrightenedher."Itsoundslikeananimal,"shesaid.

Istillcryonwaking.I'mnotsurewhy.Ifeelnothing.NothingIcanname,anyway.It'slikebreathing—somethingthathappensoverwhichIhavenocontrol.Fatherwashereformywaking.Hecalleditabeginning.Hesaiditwasgood.IthinkhemayhavethoughtthatanythingIdidwasgood.Thefirstfewdaysweredifficult.Mymindandbodythrashedoutofcontrol.Mymindsettledfirst.Theykeptmyarmsstrapped.Bytheseconddaymyarmshadsettled,too.Thehouseseemedbusy.Theycheckedme,probed,checkedagainandagain,FatherscanningmysymptomsintotheNetbookseveraltimesaday,someonerelayingbacktreatment.ButtherewasnotreatmentthatIcouldsee.EachdayIimproved.Thatwasit.OnedayIcouldn'twalk.ThenextdayIcould.Oneday

myrighteyeliddrooped.Thenextitdidn't.Onedaymytonguelaylikealumpofmeatinmymouth,thenextdayitwasarticulatingwordsthathadn'tbeenspokeninoverayear.

Onthefifthday,whenIwalkedoutontotheverandawithoutstumbling,Mothercriedandsaid,"It'samiracle.Anabsolutemiracle."

"Hergaitisstillnotnatural.Can'tyouseethat?"Lilysaid.Motherdidn'tanswer.OntheeighthdayFatherhadtoreturntoworkinBoston.HeandMother

whispered,butIstillheard.Risky...havetogetback...you'llbefine.Beforehelefthecuppedmyfaceinbothofhishands."Littlebylittle,Angel,"hesaid."Bepatient.Everythingwillcomeback.Overtimealltheconnectionswillbemade."Ithinkmygaitisnormalnow.Mymemoryisnot.Idon'tremembermymother,myfather,orLily.Idon'trememberthatIoncelivedinBoston.Idon'tremembertheaccident.Idon'trememberJennaFox.

Fathersaysitwillcomeintime."Timeheals,"hesays.Idon'ttellhimthatIdon'tknowwhattimeis.

TimeTherearewords.WordsIdon'tremember.NotobscurewordsthatIwouldn'tbeexpectedtoknow.Butsimpleones.Jump.Hot.Apple.Time.Ilookthemup.Iwillneverforgetthemagain.Wheredidthosewordsgo,thosewordsthatwereonceinmyhead?

Order

Curiousadj.1.Eagertolearnortoknow,inquisitive.2.Pryingormeddlesome.3.Inexplicable,highlyunusual,odd,strange.

ThefirstweekMotherporedoverthedetailsofmylife.Myname.

Childhoodpets.Favoritebooks.Familyvacations.Andaftereachsceneshedescribed,shewouldask,"Remember?"EachtimeIsaidno,Isawhereyeschange.Theyseemedtogetsmaller.Isthatpossible?Itriedtosaythenosmoresoftly.Itriedtomakeeachonesounddifferentthantheonebefore.ButonDaySixhervoicecrackedasshetoldmeaboutmylastballetrecital.Remember?

OnDaySeven,Motherhandedmeasmallbox."Idon'twanttopressureyou,"shesaid."They'reinorder.Mostlyalllabeled.Maybewatchingthemwillhelpbringthingsback."Shehuggedme.Ifeltherfuzzysweater.Ifeltthecoolnessofhercheek.ThingsIcanfeel.Hard.Soft.Rough.Smooth.Buttheinsidekindoffeel,itisallthesame,likefoggymush.Isthatthepartofmethatisstillasleep?Ihadmovedmyarmsaroundherandtriedtomimichersqueeze.Sheseemedpleased."Iloveyou,Jenna,"shesaid."Anythingyouwanttoaskme,I'mhere.Iwantyoutoknowthat."

"Thankyou"wastherightresponse,soIsaidit.Idon'tknowifthatwassomethingIrememberedorsomethingIhadjustlearned.Idon'tloveher.IsensedthatIshould,buthowcanyoulovesomeoneyoudon'tknow?ButIdidfeelsomethinginthatfoggymush.Devotion?Obligation?Iwantedhertobepleased.Ithoughtaboutheroffer,anythingyouwanttoaskme.Ihadnothingtoask.Thequestionshadn'tcomeyet.

SoIwatchedthefirstdisc.Itseemedlogicaltogoinorder.Itwasofmeinutero.Hoursofmeinutero.Iwasthefirst,Ilearned.Therehadbeentwoboybabiesbeforeme,buttheydidn'tlivepastthefirsttrimester.Withme,MotherandFathertookextrameasures,andtheyworked.Iwastheoneandonly.Theirmiraclechild.Iwatchedthefetusthatwasme,floatinginadarkwateryworld,andwonderedifIshouldrememberthat,too.

EachdayIwatchmorediscs,tryingtoregainwhoIwas.Somearestills,somearemovies.Therearedozensofthetwo-inchdiscs.Maybeahundred.Thousandsofhoursofme.

Isettleonthelargesofa.TodayIwatchYearThree/JennaFox.Itbeginswithmythirdbirthdayparty.Asmallgirlruns,laughingatnothingatall,andisfinallystoppedbyatall,weatheredstonewall.Sheslapstinystarbursthandsagainstthestoneandlooksbackatthecamera.Ipausethescene.Iscanthesmile.Theface.Shehassomething.SomethingIdon'tseeinmyownface,butIdon'tknowwhatitis.MaybejustawordIhavelost?Maybemore.Iscanthelargeroughstonesherhandsrestagainst.Itisthesmallenclosedgardenofthebrownstonewhereweoncelived.IrememberitfromyesterdayonDiscEighteen.

"Play,"Isay,andthescenemovesforward.Iwatchthegolden-hairedgirlsquealandrunandhideherfacebetweentwotrouseredlegs.Thenthethree-year-oldisscoopedupsidedownintotheairandtheviewzoomsuptoFather'sfacelaughingandnuzzlingintoherbelly.Mybelly.Thethree-year-oldlaughs.Sheseemstolikeit.Iwalkovertothemirrorthathangsnearthebookcase.Iamseventeennow,butIseeresemblance.Sameblondhair.Sameblueeyes.Buttheteetharedifferent.Three-year-oldteetharesosmall.Myfingers.Myhands.Allmuchlargernow.Almostawholedifferentperson.Andyetthatisme.Atleastthatiswhattheysay.Ireturntowatchtherestoftheparty,thebathtime,theballetlesson,thefingerpainting,thetempertantrum,thestorytime,theeverythingofthree-year-oldJennaFox'slifethatmatteredtoMotherandFather.

Ihearfootstepsbehindme.Idon'tturn.TheyareLily's.HerfeetmakeadifferentsoundonthefloorthanMother's.Movementiscrisp,distinct.Iheareverynuance.WasIalwaysthissensitivetosound?Shestandssomewherebehindme.Iwaitforhertospeak.Shedoesn't.I'mnotsurewhatshewants.

"Youdon'thavetowatchtheminorder,youknow,"shefinallysays."Iknow.Mothertoldme.""Therearediscsofwhenyouwereateenager.""Istillamateenager."Thereisapause.Adeliberatepause,Isuspect."Isuppose,"shesays.She

comesaroundsosheisinmyvision."Aren'tyoucurious?"Curious.It'sawordIlookedupthismorningafterMotheruseditto

describeMr.Benderwholivesbehindusontheothersideofthepond.Idon'tknowifLilyisaskingmeifIaminquisitiveorodd.

"I'vebeeninacomaforoverayear.Iguessthatmakesmehighlyunusual;odd;andstrange.Yes,Lily.Iamcurious."

Lily'sarmsunfoldandslidetohersides.Herheadtiltsslightly.She'saprettywoman.ShelookstobefiftywhenIknowshemustbeatleastsixty.Smallwrinklesdeepenaroundhereyes.Thesubtletiesofexpressionstillescapeme.

"Youshouldwatchthemoutoforder.Skipstraighttothelastyear."Lilyleavestheroom,andonDayFifteenofbeingawake,Imakemyfirst

independentdecision.Iwillwatchthediscsinorder.

Widening

Thereissomethingcuriousaboutwherewelive.SomethingcuriousaboutLily.SomethingcuriousaboutFatherandhisnightlyphonecallswithMother.Andcertainlysomethingcuriousaboutme.WhycanIrememberthedetailsoftheFrenchRevolutionbutIcan'trememberifIeverhadabestfriend?

DaySixteenWhenIwokethismorning,Ihadquestions.Iwonderedwheretheyhadall

beenhiding.Timeheals.IsthiswhatFathermeant?Orwerethewordsthathadbeenlostinmyheadsimplytryingtofindtheproperorder?Besidesquestions,thewordcarefulcametomind,too.Why?I'mbeginningtothinkImusttrustwordswhentheycometome.

"Jenna,I'mleaving,"Mothercallsfromthefrontstep."Areyousureyou'llbeokay?"

Motherisgoingtotown.ItisthefirsttimeIhaveseenherleavethehousesinceDayOne.

"I'llbefine,"Itellher."Mynutrientsareonthecounter.Iknowhowmuchtotake."Ican'teatregularfoodyet.WhenIaskedthemwhy,theystumbledovereachother'swordstryingtoexplain.Theyfinallysaidthatafterayearofbeingfedthroughatube,mysystemcan'tutilizeregularfoodforawhile.Ineversawthetube.Maybethat'swhat'sonthelastdiscthatLilytoldmetowatch.Whywouldshewantmetoseethat?

"Don'tleavethehouse,"Motheradds."Shewon't,"Lilyanswers.Motherisgoingtotowntointerviewworkmen.Sheisacertifiedrestoration

consultant.Orwas.ShehadabusinessinBostonrestoringbrownstones.Itwasherspecialization.Shewasbusy.Everyonewantstorestoreeverything.Oldisindemand.Lilysaysshehadarespectedreputation.Hercareerisovernowbecauseofme.TherearenobrownstonesinCalifornia.ButMothersaystheCotswoldcottageweliveinneedslotsofrestoration,andnowthatIamfeelingbetter,it'stimeshebeganmakingitlivable.Onerestorationisnotthatdifferentfromanother,shesays.FixingmeandtheCotswoldarehernewcareers.

SheishalfwaydownthenarrowfrontwalkwhenIaskhermyfirstquestion.Iknowit'snotagoodtimeforher.

"Mother,whydidwemovehere?"Shestops.IthinkIseeaslightstumble.Sheturnsaround.Hereyesare

wide.Shedoesn'tspeak,soIcontinue."Whenthedoctors,Father,andyour

careerareallinBoston,whyarewehere?"MotherlooksdownforamomentsoIcan'tseeherface,thenlooksup

again.Shesmiles.Onecorner.Thentheother.Acarefulsmile."There'slotsofreasons,Jenna.Ican'tdiscussthemallrightnoworI'llmisstheshuttleintotown,butthemainreasoniswethoughtitwouldbebestforyoutohaveaquietplacetorecover.Andourplanseemstobeworking,doesn'tit?"

Smooth.Practiced.Icanhearitinthesingsongofhervoice.Insomewaysit'salmostreasonable,butIcanseetheholes.Havingaquietplaceisnotasimportantasbeingclosetodoctors.ButInod.Thereissomethingabouthereyes.Eyesdon'tbreathe.Iknowthatmuch.Butherslookbreathless.

MyRoomIgotomyroom.Idon'twantto.Butbeforesheleft,Mothermadeonelast

request."Gotoyourroom,Jenna.Ithinkyoumightneedsomerest."Idon'tneedrest,andIdon'twanttogo,butbeforeIknowit,myfeetaretakingmeupthestairsandIamclosingmydoorbehindme.Iknowitwouldpleaseher.

Myroomisonthesecondfloor—oneoftenroomsontheupperlevel,alongwithanassortmentofclosets,bathrooms,nooks,andothersmallwindowlessroomsthatseemtohavenopurpose.Mineistheonlyonethatiscleanandhasfurniture.Theothersareemptyexceptforanoccasionalspiderorapieceoftrashleftbythepreviousoccupants.Thelowerfloorhasatleastanothertenrooms,andonlyhalfofthoseroomsarefurnished.Afewoftheroomsarelocked.Ihavenotseenthem.MotherandLilyhaveroomsdownthere.Thecottageisnotacottageatall.Ilookedituptobesure.IlookedupCotswold,too.It'sasheep.Soweshouldliveinaone-roomhousemeantforsheep.Ihaven'tseenanysheephereeither.

Myroomisattheendofalonghallway.Itisthelargestroomontheupperlevel,whichmakesthelonebed,desk,andchairseemsmallandawkward.Thepolishedwoodfloorreflectsthepiecesoffurniture.Itisacoldroom.Notintemperature,butintemperament.Itreflectsnothingofthepersonwhoinhabitsit.Ormaybeitdoes.

Theonlycolorintheroomisthecustardyellowcoverletonthebed.ThedesktopisclearexceptfortheNetbookthatFatherusedtocommunicatewiththedoctors.Nopapers.Nobooks.Noclutter.Nothing.

Thebedroomopensintoalargearcheddressingroomthatconnectswithaclosetthatconnectswithanothersmallerclosetthathasasmalldoorattheback,

whichIcan'topen.Itisanoddzigzagtunnelingarrangement.WasmyroominBostonlikethis?Fourshirtsandfourpairsofpantshanginthefirstcloset.Allofthemareblue.Belowthemaretwopairsofshoes.Nothingisinthesecondcloset.Irunmyhandsalongthewallsandwonderattheemptiness.

Ilookoutmywindow.Acrossouryardandthepond,IseecuriousMr.Bender,amerespeckinthedistance.Heappearstobesquatting,lookingatsomethingontheground.Hemovesafewstepsforwardanddisappearsfromview,hiddenbytheedgeofaeucalyptusgrovethatbordersbothourproperties.Iturnbacktomyroom.

Awoodenchair.Abaredesk.Aplainbed.Solittle.IsthisallJennaFoxaddsupto?

AQuestionIWillNeverAskMother:

DidIhavefriends?Iwassickforoverayearandyetthereisnotasinglecard,letter,balloon,orwiltedbouquetofflowersinmy

room.TheNetbookneverbuzzesforme.Notevenanoldclassmate'ssimpleinquiry.Imaynotremembereverything,butIknowthereshouldbethesethings.Something.Iknowwhensomeoneissickthatpeoplecheckonher.WhatkindofpersonwasJennaFoxthatshedidn'thaveanyfriends?WasshesomeoneIevenwanttoremember?Everyoneshouldhaveatleastonefriend.

MoreIhearLilyhumming.Myfeetfumbleliketheyhaveawilloftheirown,but

Itrytocontrolthemsoshewon'thearme.Ileanclosetothewallandpeekintothekitchen.Herbackistome.Shespendsmostofhertimeinthekitchenpreparingelaboratedishes.SheusedtobechiefofinternalmedicineatBostonUniversityHospital.Fatherwasaresidentunderher.ThatishowhemetMother.Lilygaveitup.Idon'tknowwhy.Nowherpassionisgardeningandcooking.Itseemsthateveryoneinthishouseisreinventingthemselvesandnooneiswhotheyoncewere.

Whensheisnotinthekitchencooking,sheisoutinthegreenhousegettingitinorder.Ican'teatherfoods,andIwonderifthatispartofthereasonshedoesn'tlikeme.Sheclankspotsandthenturnsonthefaucet.Imakemymoveforthefrontdoor.

ThehingesontheheavywoodendoorsqueakwhenIexit,butshedoesn'tfollow.Thesoundblendswiththeclankingpotsandrushingwater.Ihavebeennofartherthanthefrontstepsofthehouse,exceptforoncewhenitwasdarkandMothertookmeforashortwalktoLily'sgreenhouse.MothertoldmefromthestartthatImuststayclose.SheisafraidIwillgetlost.

Lostadj.1.Nolongerknown.2.Unabletofindtheway.3.Ruinedordestroyed.I'mafraidIalreadyam.Thenoonsunisbright.Ithurtsmyeyes.IeasethedoorshutsoLilywon't

hear,andIhurryacrossthelawn.Iwon'tgofar.Iwillkeepthehouseinsight.Careful.Thewordcomesagain,likeahedgeinfrontofme,butpushingfrombehind,too.Ipassthechimneyofthefireplaceinthelivingroom.Itstopbrickshavetumbledtothegroundandweedsalmostobscurethem.Brightgreenlichenscreepuptheremainingbricks.IwalkaroundthefarsideofthegaragehousesoLilywon'tseeme.Severalofthewindowsareboardedup,andawholesectionofshinglesismissingfromtheroof.Moneydoesn'tseemtobeaproblemforMother.Iwonderwhy,inoverayearofmybeinginacoma,shedidn'thavetimetomakethebarestofrepairs.

OnceIampastthegaragehouse,IhaveaclearviewofcuriousMr.Bender'sproperty,butIdon'tseehim.Ourbackyardslopesdowngentlytowardalargepond.Itswatersarestill.ThepondseparatesouryardfromMr.Bender's,andthesmallcreekthatfeedsitseparatesourneighbors'yardstothesouth,likeanaturalcurvingfence.Tothenorth,wherethepondoverflows,thecreek

continues,disappearingintoaforestofeucalyptus.AfewmorestepsandIseeMr.Bender,sittingonhishaunches,likeIhave

seenthree-year-oldJennasitinthevideodiscs.Itisanoddstanceforagrownman.Heclutchessomethinginonehandandstretchesouthisothertosomethingontheground.Heissostill,itstopsme.

Curious.Odd.Strange.Motherwasrightwasabouthim.IwalkfartherdowntheslopeuntilIamstoppedbythepond.Istarttoward

theforest.Thetreesarespindlybutnumerous,andonlyafewyardsin,thepondstopsandspillsintothecreek.TheflowisbarelystrongerthanLily'skitchenfaucetandonlyafewinchesdeepatmost.Istepondrystonesthatriseabovethetrickletogetacrosstotheotherside,andIwalkuptheslopeofMr.Bender'syard.Ishouldbeafraid.Motherwouldwantmetobeafraid.ButotherthanMother,Father,andLily,Mr.BenderistheonlyhumanbeingI'veseensinceIwokeup.Iwanttospeaktosomeonewhodoesn'tknowme.Someonewhodoesn'tknowLilyorMother.Someoneoutsideourowncuriouscircle.Heseesmecomingandrisesoffhishaunches.Heistall,muchlargerthanIthought.Istop.

"Hello,"hecalls.Idon'tmove."Lost?"hesays.Ilookbackatmyhouse.Ilookatmyhands.Iturnthemoverandexamine

bothsides.MynameisJennaFox."No,"Ianswer.Istepforward.Heholdsouthishand."I'mClaytonBender.Youthenewneighbor?"He

nodstowardourhouse.New?Whatisnewtohim?Isayearnew?"I'mJennaFox.Yes,Iliveover

there."Ireachmyhandouttohimandweshake."Yourhandsarelikeice,younglady.Youstillacclimating?"Idon'tknowwhatthatmeans,butInodandsayyes."Isawyoufrommy

room.Isawyousquatting.You'recurious."Helaughsandsays,"Youmeanyou'recurious.""Mygrandmotherthinksso."Helaughsagainandshakeshishead.Iwonderiflaughingisanother

curiousthingabouthim."Well,Jenna,yousawmesquattingbecauseIwasworkingonthis.Cometakealook."Heturnsandwalksafewfeetawayandpointstotheground.Ifollow.

"Whatisit?"Iask."Ihaven'tnamedityet,butIthinkitwillbePineSerpent.Maybenot.I'm

anenvironmentalartist.""Awhat?""Icreateartfromfoundobjectsinnature."Ilookatthehundredsoflongpineneedles,eachperfectlyalignedwiththe

next,eachendcarefullypushedintotheloosesoil,formingacurvedsnakethatflowsinandoutoftheground.Iwanttoreachdownandstrokeit,butIknowthatwoulddestroyit.Idon'tseethepoint.Hehasspentallmorningcreatingsomethingthatwillbeblownawayortrampledbytomorrow."Why?"Iask.

Helaughsagain.Whydoeshedothat?HeismorecuriousthanIam."You'reatoughcritic,JennaFox.IcreateartbecauseIneedto.It'sjustsomethinginme.Likebreathing."

Howcanapineserpentbeinhim?Especiallyonethatwillnotlast."Thiswillbegonebytomorrow."

"Yes,itprobablywill.That'sthebeautyofitandwhatmakesitevenmorewondrous.Atleasttome.It'sdelicate,temporal,buteternal,too.Itwillgobackintotheenvironmenttobeusedagainandagain,innature'scanvas.Ijustrearrangepartsofnatureforashorttimesopeoplewillnoticethebeautyofwhattheyusuallyignore.Sothey'llstopand—"

"Butnoonewillseeithere.""ItakephotoswhenI'mdone,Jenna.I'mnotthattemporal.Ihavetoeat,too.You'veneverheardthenameClaytonBender?""No."Hesmiles."Well,Isupposesomeofmywork'snotwellknown,butearlyin

mycareerIcreatedaniciclesculptureinthesnow.WhiteonWhite.Thatonemademycareer.It'shardtogointoanofficebuildingordoctor'sofficewithoutseeingit.Notmybest,butthebestknown.Whitegoeswitheverything,Iguess.That'swhatmostlypaidforthisplace.Isurecouldn'tafforditnow."

"Yourhousecostalot?""Allthesedo.Youcan'tgethousesliketheonesinthisneighborhood

withoutasmallfortunethesedays.ButIgotminefornexttonothingrightafterthebigquake.You'retooyoungtorememberbut—"

"Fifteenyearsago.SouthernCalifornia.Nineteenthousandpeopledied.Twowholecommunitiesvanishedintotheocean,andallmajortransportationsystemswerecrippledaswellaswaterflowtothesouthernhalfofthestate.Itwasthegreatestnaturaldisasterourcountryhaseverseenand,alongwiththeAureusepidemicthatfollowedthreemonthslater,wasconsideredthetriggeringeventfortheSecondGreatDepression,whichlastedsixyears."

I'mstunned.Isthattheword?Yes,stunned.Idon'tknowwhereallthefactscamefrom.

Mr.Benderdrawsinhisbreath."Well!Youknowyourfacts,don'tyou,Jenna?Youahistorybuff?"

WasI?AmI?Iamstillabsorbinghoweasilythefactsflowedoutofme."Imustbe."

"Well,yougotyourfactsstraight.Igotthishousedirtcheap,becauseofallthoseterriblethings.Butnoweveryone'sforgottenabouttheearthquakeandthescientistssayit'llbeafewhundredyearsbeforewehaveanotherninepointer,sothepriceshavegonebackthroughtheroof."

"Oursisinbadshape.Idon'tthinkitcouldbeworthmuch.""It'sbeenemptyforyears,butitwon'ttakemuchtogetitfixedup.I'mglad

toseesomeonefinallyinit.WhenIsawyouallmovinginacoupleofweeksago,Iwashappytoseetheplacefinallyfilledwithafamily."

"Twoweeksago?We'vebeenherelongerthanthat."Mr.Bender'sbrowsdip."Ofcourse.Yes,youmustberight.Ilosetrackof

time,"hesays.ButIsensehedoesn'tbelieveme.Maybehedoesn'twanttoargue.Neither

doI."Areyougoingtotakeapicture?"IpointtoPineSerpent."Notyet.Ineedtowaitforthesuntogetalittlelower.AndifIgetlucky,

I'mgoingtocoaxafewbirdstoposewithit.Amodern-daylion-and-lambthing."

"Youhavebirds?""Here.I'llshowyou.Overthisway."Hewalkstheslopetowardanovergrowngarden.Brokenslabsofflagstone

createawindingpathwaythroughspraysoflavender,untamedboxwood,andlacyumbrellasofanise.Ashortdistancein,thegardenopensintoacirculargrassyareawithahewn-logbenchatitscenter.Mr.Bendersitsand-reachesbeneathhisseatforasmallcoveredbowl.Hescoopssomethingintohispalm."Sit,"hesays.Ido.

Heholdshispalmout,andinstantlytherearemultiplechirpsaroundus."Holdstill,"heinstructs.Asmallgraybirdswoopsoverhispalmwithouttakinganything.Anotheronedives,hovers,anddisappearsliketheother.Mr.Benderdoesn'tmove.Stillanotheroneswoops,flutters,andthenlandsonhiswrist.Itpecksaseedandfliesaway.Withinmomentstwomorelandonhishandandgreedilypeckattheseed,braverthantherest.Iammesmerizedbytheirperfect

tinybeaks,theircreamyclawedfeet,andtheirlayeredgrayfeathersthatfoldtogetherlikeabeautifulsilkfan.Ireachouttotouchone,andtheybothskitteraway.

"Youhavetobepatient.Here,tryit,"hesays.Hehandsmethetubofseed,andIscoopoutahandful.Iputmypalmoutandwait.Theychirpfromthenearbyjacarandabutdon'tbudgefromtheirperches.Ithrustmypalmoutfarther.Wewaitandaresilent.Iamcarefulnottomove.Iampatient.

Theydon'tcome."Maybethey'refull,"Mr.Bendersays."Youcomebackanytime,Jenna,and

giveitanothertry."Iwonder.Anytime?TheexpressionsthathaveblendedtogethersinceI

cameoutofmycomaarebeginningtoemergeintopatterns.Mostofitcentersintheeyes.Withoutwords,thelidsshapesounds.Theyspeakdifferentthingsjustbythefaintestofangles.Itiscomingtomenow,theexpressiononLily'sfaceyesterday.Pain.Andnow,today,onMr.Bender'sface,truth.Hereallydoeswantmetocomeback.Howcaneyesspeaksomuch?ItisanotherthingthatIfindcurious.

"Iwill,"Itellhim.Hestandsandthrowshisfewremainingseedsintotheboxwood.Aruckusofchirpsfollows.Theyweren'tfull.

"Ihavetogetbacktoworknow,Jenna,butIdothankyouforcomingby."Wewalkbackdownthepathway,buthestopsatthegardenedgeandrubsthebackofhisneck."Becarefulaboutwhereyouwander,though.We'vehadafewincidentsaroundhere.Brokenwindows.Petsgonemissing.Andsomeotherthings.Mostoftheneighborsarefriendlyenough,butsome,well,youneverknow."

"Andyoudo?""Let'sjustsaythere'snotathingyoucan'tfindontheNet,andI'vemadeita

pointtoknowmyneighbors."Helooksoffinthedistanceatawhitehouseattheendofourlane.

"Thankyou,Mr.Bender.CarefulisawordIpayattentionto."

KnownIhaveafriend.Itchangeseverything.Hemaynotbethenormalsortof

friendforaseventeen-year-old,butIamnotnormaleither.Fornow,normaldoesn'tmatter.

Idon'tknowifIwilleverrememberJenna.TheJennaIwas,atleast.FatherseemstothinkIwill.Motherdesperatelywantsmeto.Butlettinggoofsomethingoldandbuildingsomethingnewthatisallmyownfeelsgood.Iwantmoreofthisfeeling.

IsmileandIdon'tevenhavetothinkaboutliftingthecornersofmymouth.Ithappensonitsown.Mr.Benderiscurious.SoamI.I'mnotlost.Iamnolongernotknown.Mr.Benderknowsme.

IcanseeourhouseasImakemywaybackdownMr.Bender'sslope.Iwalkintotheeucalyptusgrovetowherethepondisdammedwithearthandaweaveofgnarledtreeroots.Isteponthefirststonethatrisesabovethetricklingcreek,butthensomethingcatchesmyeye.Awhiteshimmer.Theglareoffthepond.Itshootsupatme.Blindsme.Pullsmeintoit.

Myfootslipsfromtherockintothecreek.Ihearnoise.Screams.Ifeelmyselffall,butIcan'tseewhereIamfallingto.Theworldspins.My

mouthopens.Screams.Myhandsthrash.Waterpoursin.Mynose.Mymouth.Blackness.Gulps.Paininmychest.Thepondiseverywhere."Na!Na!"Ifeelrockscuttingintomyknees.Glimmers.Flashes.Beamsof

mutedlight.Syrupysound.Down,down.Wetblacknesscoversmewhileglisteningairbubblesriseaboveme.

"Jenna!"Ifeelhandsaroundmywrists.Handsshakingmyshoulders."Jenna!"IseeLilylookingintomyface.Lilypullingmetomyfeet."Jenna!What'sthematter!Whathappened?Jenna!Jenna!"Thepondisstill.Myclothesaredry.Onekneeiscut.Asmallbeadof

waterybloodforms."I—""Areyouallright?"Lily'spupilsarepinpoints.Hervoicepiercesme."Ithinkso."I'mnotsurewhathappened.Everythingseemeddifferent.The

pondwassohuge,andIwassosmall.Ithoughtitwascoveringme.Icouldn'tsee.

IthoughtIwasdrowning.

Remembering

MothersignsofftheNetwithFatherandcrossesthekitchentowhereIsit.Shehasbeentalkingtohimprivatelyforfifteenminutesaboutthesmallcutonmyknee.ShetriedtogetLilytotreatit,butLilybalked,sayingshehadn'tpracticedmedicineinfifteenyearsandthatshehadneverpracticedthatkindofmedicine."Hesaiditshouldbefine,"Mothersays."Itshouldhealjustlikeanyothercut."

"Itisjustlikeanyothercut.""Notexactly,"Lilymumblesasshesitsinthechairoppositeme.Motherexplodes."Itoldyou,Jenna!Itoldyou!Isaiddon'tleavethe

house!""ButIdid."Mothercrumplesintoanotherchairatthetable.Sherubsonetemple."What

happened?"shesaysmoresoftly."Iwascrossingthecreek.Isteppedonthefirststone.Andthen..."Itryto

rememberexactlywhathappenednext."Thenwhat?"Mothersays,hervoicewrungtight.Iremember.More."DidIalmostdrown?""Thecreek'sonlyafewinches—"Lilycutsheroff."Yes.Alongtimeago.Shewasn'teventwo.""Butshecouldn'tpossiblyremember—""Iremember."Iremember.IlookatMotherandLily,theirexpressionsidentical,likethe

airhasbeensqueezedfromtheirlungs."Irememberbirds.Whitebirds.Irememberfalling.Ifellsofar.AndIscreamedandwaterfilledmymouth...."

Lilypushesbackherchairandstands."Wewereatthebay.IletgoofJenna'shandforonlyasecond,justlongenoughtogetmoneyoutofmypurseforasnowcone.Iwaspayingforit,andwhenIturnedaround,shewasalreadyattheendofthedock.Sheransofast.Itwasthegulls.Thereweregullsattheendofthedockandshedidn'tstop.Shewassofocusedonthosebirds,shedidn'thearmescream.IsawhergooverandIran.Shewasalreadysinking,andIjumpedinafterher."

Lilytalksaboutmelikesheistalkingaboutsomeoneelse.LikeIamnotintheroom."Youboughtmeanothersnowcone.Aweeklaterwhenwewentback.It

was—""Cherry."Motherbeginstosob.Shescootsherchairbackandcomestome.Herarms

wraparoundmyshouldersandshekissesmycheek,myhair."You'reremembering,Jenna.Justlikeyourfathersaid.Thisisjustthebeginning."

Remembering.JennaFoxisinsidemeafterall.JustwhenIwasreadytomoveonwithout

her,shesurfaces.Don'tforgetme,shesays.Idon'tthinkshe'llletme.

VisitorsKara.AndLocke,too.Theycometome.MotherandFatherareright.Bits.Pieces.More.Itcomes

back.Thesepieceswindthroughthenight.Facesthatwakeme.Isitup,hot,afraid.

Ihadfriends.KaraandLocke.ButIdon'trememberwhen.Orwhere.School?Theneighborhood?Ican'trememberwherewewentorwhatwedid.ButIseetheirfaces.Loomingcloseinfrontofmine,breathless.

Iknewthem.Iknewthemdeeply.Wherearetheynow?Isitinmybed,inthedark,listeningtothemidnightcreaksofourhouse,

tryingtoconjuremorethantheirfaces,tryingtopushthemintorooms,desks,andvoicesthatwilltriggermore.Butonlytheirfaces,close,eyetoeye,arerevealed.Theylingerbeforemeliketheyhavefoundmyscent.

Tellme.Tellmewhoyouare.TellmewhoIam.

TimingLilyslidesthegaragedoorup.Itscreechesandshuddersfromlackofuse

untilitfinallycompletesitsnoisypath.Insidethedarkcavernisanoldpinkhybridwedgedbetweenstacksofboxes.

"I'llbackitout,andthenyoucangetin."Hervoiceissharp."Anddon'ttellyourmother.I'llcatchitifshefindsoutItookyououtinpublic."

"I'dratherstayhome.""I'dratheryoustayedhome,too.ButIhaveerrandstorun,andI'mnot

takingachanceonyougallivantingoffagain.""Iwouldn't."Gallivanting?

Lilygrunts.Shesqueezesbetweenstacksofboxesandbacksthecarout,andIgetinbesideher."ArewegoingtotaketheT?"

Lilybrakes."YouremembertheT?"IamannoyedwitheveryoneaskingwhatIdoanddon'tremember.It'salla

matterofdegrees.DoIrememberridingsomewhereontheT?Havingsomewhereimportanttogo?Ridingwithsomeonewhomatteredtome?No.DoIrememberwhatitlookslikeandwhatitdoes?Yes.IgivethebestresponseIcan.Ashrug.

"Well,thisisn'tBoston,andthereisnoT.Andtheshuttledoesn'tgowhereweneedgoingsoI'mdrivingthewholeway.Problemwiththat?"

Idon'tanswer.Sheputsthecaringearandlurchesforward,passingthehousesonourlane.

Thereareonlyfive.TheothersarenotCotswoldcottages.Eachoneisdifferent.AnEnglishTudorrightnextdoor,thenalargeOldMissionstyleestate,nextasprawlingCraftsman,andlast,thewhitehousethatMr.Benderpairedwiththewordcareful.ItisamassiveGeorgianwithtall,whitepillarsattheentrance.IamamusedthatIknowthestyles.ButIamsureinMother'sofficetherearevolumesandvolumesonarchitecture.MaybetheoldJennareadthem.

Mr.Bendersaidthehomesinthisneighborhoodcostafortune.Lookingatthese,Ibelievehim.WealsostillhavethebrownstoneinBoston,whichIamsurecostsafortuneaswell."AreMotherandFatherrich?"Iask.

"That'sanoddquestion.""I'modd.Remember?""Yes.Prettymuchfilthy.""Rich,youmean?""That'swhatIsaid.""Fromrestoringbrownstones?"Lilylaughs."Soit'sFatherthen.Doctorsmakethatmuch?""No."Iseeherhesitate.Thecaridlesatthestopsign.Shesighslikesheisgiving

upsomethingpreciousandIhadbetterappreciateit."Hestartedhisownbiotechcompanyandsolditfouryearsago.That'swherehemadehismoney.HedevelopedBioGel.Itchangedeverythingasfarastransplantswereconcerned.Insteadofjustafewhours,organscouldbeshelvedindefinitelywaitingfortherightrecipient.Hewasonthenewsandmadeabigsplash.Anythingelse?"

"Ifhesoldhiscompany,wheredoesheworknow?"

"Sameplace."Idon'tunderstand,butLilyisn'tofferinganyfurtherexplanationandIam

tiredofpryinginformationoutofher.Ichangethesubjectandgesturebacktothestreetwehavejustexited."Doyouknowtheneighbors?"Iask.

"Notyet,"Lilyanswers.Again,shedoesn'telaborate.Iknowshe'dratherenjoythesilence.Idon'tthinkthatwillhappen.

"You'vebeenhereforoverayear.Whyhaven'tyoumetthem?""Whatmakesyouthinkwe'vebeenherethatlong?""Mothersaidwemovedherebecause—""We'vebeenheretwoandahalfweeks.""That'simpossible,"Isay."That'salmostexactlyhowlongI'vebeenawake.

WemovehereonedayandIwakeupthenext?Whatarethechances..."Idon'tsayanymore.NeitherdoesLily.IrememberMr.Bender'scomment

aboutusonlybeingherefortwoweeks,too.It'strue.HowcouldMotherandFatherhaveknown?AfterIspentoverayearinacoma,howcouldtheyhavepredictedexactlywhenIwouldwakeupandthenmovetoCaliforniapreciselyatthattime?Wasitonlycoincidence?OrdidtheydecidewhenIwouldwakeup?Whywouldtheykeepmeinacomaforsolong?Whywouldtheystealayearandahalfofmylife?Whatkindofparentsarethey?

Careful,Jenna.Iwaswrong.Lilygetstoenjoyhersilence.

AgreementIneveraskedabouttheaccident.Somethingtoldmenotto.MaybeitwastheshineofMother'seyes.MaybeitwasFather'ssmilethattriedtoohard.MaybeitwassomethingdeeperinsidemethatIstillcan'tname.TheAccident.Likeatitle.Astopsign.Awall.ItseparatesmefromwhoIwasandwhoIwillbe.Ican'taskandtheydon'toffer.It'sahushedagreement.

Perhapstheonlything

wehaveeveragreedupon.

Inside"We'rehere."Lily'svoiceissoft.Different.ThelandscapeIwarnedtomemorizehas

ribbonedawaybehindme,andInowfindmyselfsittinginaparkinglotthatIdon'trememberdrivingto.

"Jenna."Thatvoiceagain.ThesoftoneofLily'sIbarelyrecognize.Howlonghave

webeendriving?HowlonghaveIbeenstaringourthewindowandseeingnothing?Itsinksin,likesharpteethinmyskin,justhowmuchIstillneedtoknow.Myfingersgriptheseat.Ineedaword.Curious.Lost.Angry.Whichone?Sick?Isthatit?Igraspforawordthatisn'tthere.

"Jenna."ScaredThesoftnessofLily'svoicemakesitsurface.Iamscared.Iturnmyheadtolookatherface,wonderingatthischangeinher."Whydo

youhateme?"Iask.Shedoesn'tanswer.Shestudiesmyface.Herchestrises,andherheadtilts

slightly."Idon'thateyou,Jenna,"shefinallysays."Isimplydon'thaveroomforyou."Harshwords,buthervoiceistenderandthecontradictionisastonyreminderthatIammissingsomethingvital.IknowtheoldJennaFoxwouldhaveunderstood.ButthetimbreofLily'svoicecalmsmejustthesame.Inod,likeIunderstand.

"Comeinwithme,"shesaysgently,andshegatherspackagesfromthebackseat.Ifollowheracrossanemptygraveledlot.

Atallwhitewashedbuilding,blindingbrightagainstacoldbluesky,appearstobeourdestination.Myeyesachefromtheglare."Whatisthis?"Iask.

"Themission.SanLuisRey.I'vebeenincontactwithFatherRicoforyears.Wefinallygettomeet."Weenterthroughaheavywoodendoorinalongwhitewall.Theentranceleadstoashadyenclosedcemetery."Thisway,"Lilysays,likeshehasbeenherebeforeandknowstheway.Ilookatwiltedflowers,notes,andstuffedanimalsthatlieongravesandtombstonesandfeelabriefmomentofenvyattheremembrances.Iseeonemarkerthatdatesbackto1823,thenumbersalmostweatheredaway.Overtwohundredyearslaterandstillremembered.

IwonderhowLilyknowsapriestinanancientmissionsofarfromBoston.Wereachtheendofthecemeteryandcometothegreatwallofthechurchwhichbordersit.Lilypullsopenyetanotherlargewoodendoor,andthistimeweslipintocoolblacknessandthesweetsmellofburningcandles,mustiness,andage.MyeyesadjustandIseeadomedpaintedceiling,andthenagildedcrucifiedfigure.Christ.Yes,Christ.Iremember.Lilybendsakneeasshecrossesinfrontofthealtarandliftsherhandtoherforehead,herheart,andtheneachshoulderwithmovementthatissoswiftandnaturalitisoverassoonasitbegins.ThisIdon'tremember.

Istopandstareatthegildedfigure.Myeyestraveltothealtarandthenthebaptismalfont.Thereshouldbeafeeling,Ithink.Theroomitselfdemandsit,butnofeelingisinme.Iclosemyeyes.I'minstantlycaughtupinasceneplayingbehindmylids,andIfeelcooldropsofwateronmyforehead.Lily'sunlinedfacelooms,yearsyounger,andthenaman,smiling.Hetakesmywholebodyintohishandsandkissesmycheek.Iseemyownhandwavebeforemyface,assmallasabutterfly,aninfant'shand.Iopenmyeyes.Mybaptism.Irememberit.Howisthatpossible?

Lilywaitsacrosstheroompoisedatanotherdoor,expectingmetofollow."Didmygrandfatherhaveblackhair?"Iask."Yes,"Lilyanswers."Youprobablysawhiminthevideos.Hedidn'tdie

untilyouweretwo."Ineversawhiminthevideos."Howdidhedie?""TheAureusepidemic.Wehadplentyofwarningsthatsomethinglikethat

couldhappenanditeventuallydid.Ittookhimandtwentymillionpeoplewithhim."

"Andthatwasjustinthiscountry,"Isay.Lily'seyebrowsraise.Itisherfirstglimpseatthefactsmybrainchoosesto

holdonto.Herfingerstightenontheirondoorhandle."Bythenmostantibioticswereuseless,"shesays."Somewherealongtheline,wetookagiantstepbackward.WhenIwasachild,therewereonlyahandfulofvaccines;nowthere'savaccinefornearlyeverythingbecausewe'veengineeredourselvesrightintoacorner.That'sprogress?"Shelooksatme,andacreasedeepensbetweenherbrows."Sometimeswejustdon'tknowwhenwe'vegonetoofar."Sheopensthedoortoleave,andashaftoflightcutsacrossthefloor.

"Isthatwhyyougaveupbeingadoctor?"Shestopsandturns."Becauseyoucouldn'tsavehim?"Iadd.Iamonlycurious,butIseeher

transforminstantly.Ifshewasbitterbefore,sheisstiffnessandragenow."Andthatwouldbenoneofyourbusiness,"sheanswers."Theyhavelawsnow,"Isay.OnecornerofLily'smouthturnsup.Itisnotasmile."Yes.Theydo.Entire

actspassedbyCongress.Scientistscan'tburpwithoutsomeoneformingacommitteetoinvestigatethem.Someevengotoprison.Thatinyourhead,too?"

"No.""Didn'tthinkso.Idon'tthinkthey'dwantyoutoknowaboutthat.The

problemis,somepeoplethinkthey'reabovethelaw.Thereareplentyofgoodreasonswhywehavesomuchregulation."

"Like?"Sheseemsalmostamusedbythetoneofmychallenge,surprised,maybe,

thatIwouldevenquestionher.Iwatchherdrawup,becominglargerthantheLilyIhaveseen,lookinglikesheispreparedtotakemeonandadozenothers,too,ifnecessary.

"Engineeringcorntoresistpestswipedtheoriginalspeciesfromthefaceoftheplanet.Lawsaretoolateforthat,"shesays,hereyesdrillingintome."Andasimplethinglikeoverusingantibioticscreatedastrainofbacteriasodeadlyitkilledmyhusbandandaquarteroftheworld'spopulation.Sothatis—"

"Wereyou?"Iseethecircularthoughtshemeanttohidefromme."What?""Abovethelaw.Whenyouwereadoctor.Didyouever—""Yes."Iwatchthestiffnessofhermusclesdrainaway."AndIlivewiththat

everydayofmylife."Sheturnstoleave."Lily,"Isaytostopher,"didmygrandfather—Didyou—WasIbaptized?""Whenshewastwoweeksold,"shesaysasshewalksoutthedoor."We

werehergodparents."SheisgoneandneverlooksbacktoseeifIfollowed.FatherRicoandLilysitintheshadeofapeppertreeandswapstories.We

havealreadytouredtheremnantsoftheancientmissiongardenwherethetwoofthemexcitedlyexaminedgnarledroots,weeds,andwhatappeartobeanemicorangetreesthatarebearingthetiniestofpalefruit.FatherRicoproudlyproclaimeditthefirstnurseryinCalifornia,butthetreasureforbothofthemliesintheseedsandDNAthatareleftbehind.

Theirvoicesriseandsomewordsdriftacrosstheexpanseofthecourtyard."Pure.""Unadulterated."

"Originalseed.""UntouchedDNA."IfIstrainedIcouldhearitall,butIdon'treallyneedmoredetailsthanwhat

FatherRicohasalreadygivenme.HeandLilyarebothmembersoftheWorldSeedPreservationOrganization,agroupcommittedtopreservingoriginalspeciesofplants.Apparentlytherearefewpurespeciesleft,duetobioengineeringandcross-pollination.Thewind,itseems,isn'tdiscriminatoryinwhichkindofplantpollenitblows.Engineeredpollenblowsjustaseasilyastheoriginalkindandinfectsalltraditionalplantsinitspath.NowIknowthedeepermeaningtoLily'sgreenhouse.SheandFatherRicoseemtoseebioengineeredplantsasatimebomb,muchliketheAureusepidemic.Theirnetworkofseedenthusiastsareouttosavetheworld.Saviors.Lilysavedmeonce.Iwonderhowoftenshethinksaboutthat.

LilyregularlyglancesmywaytomakesureIhaven'twanderedawayorstartedaconversationwithanyone.Occasionallysomeonepassesthroughthecourtyard,mostlyotherpriests,butIremainquiet.Lilytoldmeto."Yourmotherwouldwantitthatway,"shesays.

Iseeaboy,tallerthanFatherRico,acrossthecourtyard.Heapproachesthem.Hishandsaredirty,andheswipesawaylongcordsofblackhairspillinginfrontofhiseyeswithhisforearm.Heis...pleasantlooking.Ithinkthat'stheword.HetalkstoFatherRico,nodshishead,andthenglancesoveratme.IseeLily'sface.Shehasnoticedandsitsupstraighterlikesheisreadytospring.IthinkheisgoingtowalkovertomeandIlookawaytodiscouragehim.Itworks.HesaysafewmorewordstoFatherRicoandgoesbackthewayhecame,andIamimmediatelyangrywithmyselfforbeingsoquicktopleaseLilyandMother.Itwon'thappenagain.

GotoYourRoomMothersipsorangejuiceatthecounter,lookingoveralistoftasksforthe

day.Lilygratescheeseoverabowlofeggs.Isipmynutrients,whicharetasteless.Iswigdownthelastoftheminaquickgulpandask,"WasIahistorybuff?"

Motherbarelylooksupfromherlist."Awhat?"IdecidetorephraseMr.Bender'squestion."DidIlikehistory?Wasitmy

favoritesubject?"

Mothersmilesandlooksbackatherlist,makingafewchanges."Hardly,"sheanswers."I'mafraidhistory—andmathforthatmatter—weretutorworthyforyou."Sheisabsorbedagaininherplanning.Tutorworthy?Imusthavehadanexcellenttutor.

Ipushmyemptyglassawayandannounce,"I'mgoingtoschooltoday."Motherdropsherpencilandstaresatme.Lilystopsbeatinghereggs."IassumeIdidn'tgraduateduringtheyearIwasinacoma,soIstillneedto

finish,right?"Motherhasn'tspoken.Hermouthisopenandherheadshakesslightly,like

mywordsarericochetingaroundinside.Somehow,Ifinditamusing."There'stwovillagecharterswithinwalkingdistance—Icheckedthe

directoryontheNet—andtheCentralAcademyisjustashortdrive.""Youcan'tdrive!"ThewordsshootoutofMother,andthenshesaysmore

calmly,"Schoolisoutofthequestion.You'restillrecovering—""I'mfine—"Motherstands."Isaidschoolisoutofthequestion.Period."Ihesitate,butthenstand,too."AndIsayitisn't."Motherisshockedintoamarblestance.Neitherofusspeaks.Finallyshe

looksaway.Shesitsbackdown.Shepicksupherpencil.Sheiscalm,smooth,practiced,themotherwhoseemstoknowwherewearegoingbeforeIdo."Gotoyourroom,Jenna.Youneedtorest.Go.Now."

Iamseething.Outraged.Incensed.Thewords.They'refinallybubblingupintorrentsjustwhenIneedthem.

Butthewill.Itiswaning.MothersaysIshouldgotomyroom.Gotoyourroom,Jenna.Gotoyourroom.

Ido.Therageisdoubling,multiplying,fillingmyvisionlikeablackcloud.Ican

hardlyseeaseachstepbringsmeclosertomyroom.Gotoyourroom.Jenna.AndIam.Iam.Icollapseonthelaststairandrockbackandforthsilently.WhatworldhaveIwokenupto?WhatnightmareamIin?WhyamIcompelledtodoasMothersaysevenwhenIhaveadesperateneedtodosomethingelse?Irockinthedarkhollowofthelanding,feelinglikeIambackinthesilentvacuumwheremyvoiceisneverheard.IfJennaFoxwasaweak-willedcoward,Idon'twanttobeheratall.Ihugmyarms,tryingtosqueezeawaytheworld.Ihearasharpvoice.ItisMother.Sheisangry.Atme?Ididassheasked.Ileannearthebanistertolisten.Lily'svoiceisangry,too.

"Whenwillyouadmityoumadeamistake?"

"Stopit!Youofallpeopleshouldunderstand!Ifitweren'tforinvitro,Iwouldn'tbehere.Youalwayscalledmeyourmiracle.Whycan'tIhaveone,too?Whydoyougettodecidewhenthemiracleswillend?"

"It'snotnatural.""NeitherwasI!Youneededhelp.That'sallIwanted—"Ihearastrangenoise.Asob?"Claire.""Please,"Mothersays.Hervoiceissoftnow.Almostawhisper."Claire,youcan'tkeepherhiddenfromtheworld.Shewantsalife.Isn'tthat

whatthiswasallabout?""It'snotthateasy.Itcouldbedangerous.""Walkingacrossthestreetcanbedangerous,butthousandsofpeopledoit

everyday.""Idon'tmeanforher.Thereareotherstoconsider.""Oh.Them."Lily'svoiceismocking.Motherdoesn'trespond.The

conversationseemstobeover.Iheardishesclatterandthenachairscrapingacrossthefloor.Silencethreadsthroughthehouselikealacepullingtight,andthenIfinallyhearthescrapingofanotherchairandthesoundofLilysighingherselfintoplace."YouknowIdon'tcareonewayoranother.Isaidgoodbyeeighteenmonthsago.YoucansendherbacktoBostonasfarasI'mconcerned,butasIseeit,youmadeadecision.Rightorwrong,it'sdone.Nowyouhavetomoveon.Areyouherkeeperorhermother?"

Ihearachokingsound,andthenanalmostinaudible"Idon'tknow."Silencefollows.Nodishes.Nochairs.Novoices.Nobending.Motheris

done.SoisLily.Lily,thelastpersonIexpectedtoargueforme.AtleastIthinkthat'swhatshedid.ButshewouldbejustashappyifIwerethreethousandmilesawayinBoston.Probablyhappier.Idon'tunderstand.IonlyknowIwillnotbegoingtoschool.Clairesaidso.

Claire.Iremembernow.Ididn'tcallherMother.IcalledherClaire.Iamcertainofit.Ifinishthe

ascentofthestairs.Igotomyroom.Clairetoldme.IthinkIhateher.

JennaFox/YearTenIknowthemeaning,butIcheckagaintobesure.

hatev.1.Intensedislike,extremeaversionorhostility.2.Todislikepassionately.3.Todetest.ThereisabetterwordforMother.Aggravating,maybe.ButIthinkLilyiswrong.Shedoeshateme.Heraversionisextreme.She

nearlyshakesmewithherconstantsidewaysglances.Shehasn'tspokenmorethanfourwordstomeinasmanydays,butsinceshe'sbeenoutinthegreenhousefromdawnuntildusk,ithasbeeneasytoavoidme.Ourworldsonlyintersectbrieflyinthemorningwhenthethreeofussitatthekitchentableandintheeveningwhenwereturnthere.Ihavebeeninmyroomwatchingdiscs.Motheraskedmeto.HerdesperationformetobewhoIwashasintensified.AstheCotswoldseesimprovement,workerscomingandgoingandrestoring,itislikesheexpectstoseethesamemeasureofimprovementinme.Restoredshingles.Restoredflooring.RestoredJenna.

Idon'twantrestoration.Iwantalife.Now.Iwanttomoveon.ThosewereLily'swords.Itisironicthatherwordsshouldbecomemyown.

ButIwatchthediscs.BecauseMothertoldmeto.IamhalfwaythroughYearTenofJennaFox.Iseeaprettygirl.Herblond

silkyhairwagsinaponytailacrossherback.Ihavealreadyseenheratdivinglessons,anotherballetrecital,practicingpiano,andnowIseeherrunningacrossafieldkickingasoccerball.Sheisimpossiblybusy.HerlifeissofullIcanhardlytakeitin,thecompleteoppositeoftheempty-lifeJennaIamnow.

Shekickstheballtoateammate,whointurnkickstheballintothegoal.Ahornsounds.Fistsflyintotheairalongwithshouts.Teammateshugandliftoneanother,andJennaisinthemidstofitall.IhearFatherandMother,unseenbehindthecamera,cheeringandfinallycallingmeover.Iruntothem.Iacknowledgetheircongratulations.Ismile.Itossmyheadbacktocalltoafriend,andInoticesomethingforthefirsttime.Athinredlinejustundermychin.

"Pause,"Iblurtout."Back.Pause."Thediscplayerfollowsmycommands.Ilookcloseratthestillpicture."Zoom."ThethinredlinebecomeswhatIsuspected.Ascar.

Iwalktomybathroommirrorandtiltmyfaceback.Irunmyfingertipsupthelengthofmythroat.Ifeel.Isearch.

Thereisnoscar.

It'sbeensevenyearssincethatvideowasfilmed.Doscarsdisappearinsevenyears?

AGlimpseIt'sbeentwenty-fivedayssinceIwokeup.EightdayssinceIwenttothemission.Sixdayssincethenewfrontwalkwaywaslaid.Fivedayssincetheplumbingfixtureswerereplaced.ThreedayssinceIlastsawMr.Benderthroughmywindow.Threedaysofrainand4,287coldbeadsofwaterbeatingagainstmy

windowpanes.I'mgoodatmathafterall.Withoutfriendsandapackedscheduletokeepmebusy,keepingtrackof

timeandnumbershasbecomeaprimesourceofentertainment.Watchingthecollectingrivuletsofrainonmywindowhasbecomeaclosesecond.

FebruaryinCaliforniaiscold.NotascoldasBoston.Notnearly.TheNetReportsaysithasdroppedtoalowoffifty-fourdegrees."Oh,my,"Lilyhadmocked.Thetemperaturevariesverylittle.Boredomreignsonalllevels.Therainisawelcomechange.Ihaveseenthepondswellandthecreeksurge.Ipressmypalmagainsttheglass,imaginingthedropsonmyskin,imaginingwheretheystartedout,wheretheywillgo,feelingthemlikeariver,rushing,combining,becomingsomethinggreaterthanhowtheystartedout.

IspendtimeontheNet.Mr.Bendersaidthereisn'tathingyoucan'tlearnaboutyourneighborsthere.SinceheistheonlyneighborIknow,Ilearnthingsabouthim.Heisfamous.Arecluse.Therearenopicturesofhim.Fewpeoplehaveevermethim.Quirkyartist.Andmore.

ItypeinthenameJennaFox.Iamoverwhelmedwiththehits.Therearethousands.WhichoneamI?IturnofftheNetandrealizeIdon'tevenknowmymiddlename.It'stoomuchwork,tryingtobecomewhoIam,alwayshavingtoaskotherswhatIshouldalreadyknow.Ilieonmybedstaringattheceiling.Forhoursmaybe.

Otherthoughtsreplay,collect,fingeroutintomorethoughts.Mr.Bender'sbirdsandmyuntouchablepalms......awaterybloodbeadonmyknee......abaptismIremember...

...andvisitors.Ihadvisitorslastnight.KaraandLockecametomeagain.Inmydeepest

sleep,theyshookme.Jenna,Jenna.Iopenedmyeyes,buttheirvoicesstayedinmyears.Iheartheirvoicesevennow.Hurry,Jenna.Come.Hurry.

Hurrywhere?IseeusattheCommons,thememorysovividIcanstillsmellthefreshly

mowedgrass.WesitatthebaseoftheGeorgeWashingtonMonument,squeezingcloseforshade,ourlegsstretchedoutbeforeusinthelongafternoonshadow.WeareditchingourSociologySeminar,andKaraisfillingeveryspacewithnervouschatter,andwhenshelaughsherblackbobbedhairshakeslikeaskirtathershoulders.Lockekeepssuggestingthatweshouldgo."No!"KaraandIsaytogether.It'stoolate.Toolate.Andthenthethreeofusarelaughingagain,exhilarated,bolsteredtogetherinourdefiance.

Wearenotcomfortablewithit.Wearerulefollowers.Thisisnewtous,andourcouragecomesfromeachother.IleanoverandkissLocke.Hardonthelips.Weexplodeinmorelaughter,andsnotspurtsfromournoses.Kararepeatsthekiss,andwearelimpwithourhowling.Iachewiththeremembering.

Irollfrommybedtothefloorandleanbackagainstthewall,thewayIleanedbackthatdayinBoston.Ihadfriends.Goodfriends.

ACurveMotherisattheNetbookwhenIenterthekitchen.SheistalkingtoFather.I

havetalkedtoherlittlemorethanIhavetoLilyinthepastfewdays.Sheisbusyanddistant.Lilyisinthepantryrattlingboxes.

"Morning,"MothersaysandreturnstoherconversationwithFather."Jenna?"Fathercalls."Morning,Father,"Isay."Comehere,Angel."IstandbehindMotherandlookoverhershouldersohecanseeme."You'relookinggood,"hesays."Howareyoufeeling?""Fine.""Anylapses?Pain?Anythingunusual?""No.""Good.Good."Herepeatshimselfathirdtime,andIsenseheisfilling

time.

"Somethingwrong?"Iask."No.Notatall.Ithinkyourmotherwantstohaveatalkwithyou,though,

soI'llbegoing.Talktoyoutomorrow."Heclicksoff.Atalk.Shefrightensmewithhercontrolandsureness.Idon'twanttotalk,

butIamsurewewill.Clairecommandsandithappens."Sitdown,"shesays.Ido.Lilywalksoutofthepantryandleansagainstthecounter,herownbusyness

suddenlygoneoutofher.Motherlookslikesheisgoingtoregurgitatelastnight'sdinner.

"You'restartingschooltomorrow,"shesays."It'sonlyatthelocalcharter.It'stheclosestone,soyoucanwalkforthedaysthattheymeet.Theiremphasisisecosystemstudies,butthereisnothingIcandoaboutthat.Itwilljusthavetodo.Theothersaretoofar,toocrowded,andtoo—well,theysimplyneedtoomanyformsthatwecan'tproviderightnow.You'reallregistered,andthey'reexpectingyou.Unlessyou'vechangedyourmindaboutgoingtoschool."

AfteralongpauseIrealizeherlastsentenceisaquestion."No,"Ianswer."Ihaven'tchangedmymind."Iamstillbacktracking,tryingtoabsorbeverythingshehasthrownatme.School?Tomorrow?Ithoughtitwasoutofthequestion.Howdidthishappen?Ipauseinsortingouttheturnaround,andIfinallynoticeher.

Hereyesareglassypuddles.Herhandsrestinherlap,weaklyturnedupward.Thesteadystreamofwordshasended,andshelooksspentfromtheeffort.

"Areyouhappy?"sheasks.Inod.Isitatrick?Thisisnotwhatshewants.Whatisshereallytryingto

do?"Yes.Thankyou,"Isay.Shepullsmeclose,andIfeelherunevenbreathsagainstmyneck.HergripistightandIthinkshewon'tletgobutthenshepushesbackmyshouldersandshesmiles.Thelimphandstighten,theeyesblink,andwithadeepbreathshesummonstheinfinitecontrolthatisClaire's."I'mmeetingwithcarpentersthismorning,butIwilltalktoyoumoreaboutitthisafternoon."Shehesitatesforalongmoment,thenadds,"Therain'sstopped.Whydon'tyougooutforawalkwhileyoucan?"Herfaceispale.

Awalk,too?Ican'trespond.AllIcanthinkofisthegildedfigurehangingonthewallin

Lily'schurch.Mother'slifebloodisflowingoutofher."Thankyou,"Isayagainandheadforthedoor,butbeforeIleavetheroom,

IseeLilyclosehereyesatthekitchensinkandherhandbrushesherforehead,herheart,andfinallyeachshoulder.

PleaIhearsobbing.AndthenahailMary.Ihearamumblingofprayers.Andbargaining,too.Jesus.Jesus.Jesus.Pleadingandmoaning.Inthedarkestplacethatrevisitsmeoverandoveragain.AndforthefirsttimeIrecognizethevoice.ItisLily.

AWalkIamoutthedoorinseconds.Iamgoingtoschool.Tomorrow.Ihurrydown

thewalkway.WillMotherchangehermind?Iglanceovermyshouldertomakesuresheisnotfollowingme.Freedom.Itfeelsascrispandbreezyastheopensky.ButthenIrememberherpaleface.Hertentativedecision.Mypacequickens.Distanceismysavior.IfleefrommyclosedworldintooneIhaven'tmetyet.

Them.Mothersaiditcouldbedangerous.Forthem.IssheafraidIwillhurtothers?

Myclassmates?Iwouldn't.ButmaybetheoldJennawould?DidIhurtKaraandLocke?Isthatwhytheyaren'tmyfriendsanymore?

ThereisMr.Bender.Hecountsasafriend.Iwillvisithim.Withtheswellingofthecreek,Ican'tpassbetweenouryards,soIfollow

thestreetsaroundtohishouse.Idon'tknowhisaddressorwhathishouselookslikefromthefront,butIknow,likeours,itisthelasthouseonhisstreet.

Eventhoughtherainhasstopped,theguttersarestilllikesmallrivers.Leavingoursidewalktowalkinthestreet,Imustleaptogetovertheexpanse.Iwalkdownthemiddleoftheroad.Theairsmellsofwetsoilandeucalyptus.ThistimetomorrowIwillbeinschool.Iwillbemakingmorefriends.Iwillbeowningalife.ThelifeofJennaFox.Itwillbemine,whateverthatmaybe.

Ourneighbor'shouse,themassiveTudor,isdarkandquiet.Samewiththenexthouse.ButatthesprawlingCraftsmanIseeactivity.Asmallwhitedogbarksatmethroughthebarsofagate.Istopandwatchhim.Awomancallstome,andIturnmyheadtowardthefrontdrive,whereshesweepsthelitterofthestorm.

"Sorry,"shesays."Hethinkshe'saguarddog.Don'tworry,though.He'sallbark.Wouldn'thurtaflea."

Inod.Ineverthoughthewouldhurtme.He'sadog.Hebarks.ShouldIhavebeenafraid?Isthiswhatallneighborsdo?Warnyouaboutthings?ThewayMr.Benderwarnedmeaboutthewhitehouseattheendofmystreet?Isitanicetythatmeansnothing,butoneofthemanyothersubtletiesthathasbecomemuddledinsideofme?AmImissingsomething,orarethey?

Thewomanliftsherhand,holdsitthere,andthenwaves.Asmilefollows."Youokay?"sheasks.

"Areyou?"Iask.MaybeIneedtobeconcernedaboutmyneighbors,too?ShereturnsabruptlytohersweepingandIleave.

Eventhoughitismorning,theskyisstilldarkwithcloudsandtherearelightsoninthenexthouse.Thewhitehouse.AsIgetcloser,Icanseeaglowingchandelierthroughalargewindowoverthedoor.Morelightsshinebehindothercurtainedwindows.Thepillarsoneithersideofthedoorarecracked,linesrunningthelengthofthem,bitsofconcretemissing.Iimaginetheyarebitsthatfellawaywiththelastearthquakeandwereneverrepaired,butstill,thehouselookstobewellcaredfor.Betterthanours.Itisnotafrighteninghouse,atleastnotwhatliesoutside.Thefrontdooropens,catchingme.ItrytoresumemywalkbeforeIamnoticed,butitistoolate.Ashadowedfigurereachesforapaperontheporchbutthenstopsandstraightenswithoutretrievingit.Hestepsout.Itisaboy.LiketheboyIsawatthemission,heistallandpleasantlooking,buthishairisaswhiteastheotherboy'shairwasblack.Itisshortanduncombed,ascuffleofwavespointingindifferentdirections.

"Hello,"hecalls.Hisvoiceispleasant,too."Hello.""Younewintheneighborhood?""Yes.""Welcome.I'mDane."Hesmiles.EvenfromthestreetIcanseethe

whitenessofhisteeth."Hello,"Isayagain.Iwanttoleave,butmyfeetseemstapledtotheground.Heisbare-chested

andhispajamabottomshangdangerouslylow.Hepullsthemupandshrugs.WasIstaring?

"Ibettergo,"hesays."Nicemeetingyou.""Bye,Dane,"Ianswer,andmiraculouslymyfeetarereleasedandIcontinue

onmywalk.Whenyourlifehashadfeweventstooccupyit,it'samazinghowasimple

encountercanseemlikeanentirethree-actplay.IreplayitoverandoverinmyheadwhileIcontinueonmywaytoMr.Bender'shouse.Dane.Whitehouse.Whitepajamas.Whiteteeth.Therewasnothingfrighteningaboutit,exceptthewayIwasfrozenonthestreet.

PersonaFindinghishouseiseasy.Left.Left.Left.Aten-minutewalkatmost.Heis

surprisedtoseemebutinvitesmein."Coffee?""Ican'tdrink.ImeanIdon'tdrinkcoffee,"Isay.Mr.Benderstirscreamintohis.Heoffersmejuice,milk,bagels,and

muffins.Isaynotothemall."I'monaspecialdiet,"Itellhim."Allergies?""No.Justspecial."Henods.Itisanodthatsays,yes,Iknow.Whatdoesheknow?Hesays

thereisn'tathingyoucan'tfindoutaboutyourneighborsontheNet.Hashefoundoutsomethingaboutme?

"Didyougetyourpicturesofthepineserpent?"Iask."Yes.Dozens.I'mtryingtochoosethebestonestosendtomyagent.""Didyougetsomepictureswiththebirds?""Afew.Butthefewwerefairlyamazing.Igotlucky.""MayIseethem?""Thepictures?""No.Thebirds."Ourfootstepsmakewhooshingsoundsontherain-soakedground.Puddles

spotthepathwayintothegarden.Withhislongstride,Mr.Benderstepsoverthem,butIstepinthem."Idon'tknowhowmanythere'llbe,"hesays,"withthestormandall."

AllIwantisone.Wesitonthelogbench.He'sright.Therearenotmany.Onlytwo,therest

stillhuddledawayfromthestorm.Butthetwothatcomewilllandonlyonhishand.

Aftertwentyminutes,heputsthebirdseedawayandwewalkbacktothehouse.HepourshimselfanothercupofcoffeeandIshufflethroughphotosofthepineserpent.

"Don'tworryaboutit,Jenna."WhatmakeshimthinkI'mworried?Andwhyshoulditmattersomuchthat

asmallbrownbirdlandsonmyhandanyway?WhatmakeshimthinkIcare?"Somethingstaketime,"hesays.Toomanythingstaketime.I'velostsomuchtimealready.Ayearandahalf

mightaswellbealifetimeforme."Idon'thavetimetospare,"Itellhim.Helaughs."Sureyoudo.You'reonlyseventeen.Youhavelotsoftime."Isetthepicturesinmyhanddownonthetable.InevertoldhimIwasseventeen."Wheredidyoufindthatout,Mr.Bender?"Iask."OntheNet?AmIoneof

theneighborsthatyoufindthingsoutabout?"Herefillshiscoffeemug."Yes."He'snotapologetic."You'renotembarrassedaboutyoursnooping?""It'snotsnooping.Ineedtoknowaboutmyneighbors."Maybeso.MaybeIdo,too."ThenIhaveaconfessiontomake,"Itellhim.

"You'renottheonlysnoop.Ididsomechecking,andIfoundoutafewthingsaboutyou,too."

"Oh?"Hisbrowsarch,andhesitsdownoppositeme."Haveyouhadsurgery,Mr.Bender?Ormaybeyousimplyhaveexcellent

genes?""Meaning?""Youlooklikeyou'reaboutforty-five.Fiftyatmost."Hedoesn'treply."ButClaytonBendertheartistwasborneighty-fouryearsago.Youeither

holdyouragereallywell,or—?""Youexpectmetofillthatonein?""No.I'vealreadyfiguredoutyoucan'tbehim.Noone'sgenesarethatgood.

Ijustdon'tknowwhoyoureallyare.Aserialkiller,maybe?"Hesmiles."You'vegotquiteanimagination.Nothingthatdramatic,I'm

afraid."Hetakesalongsipfromhismug."Butstillseriousenoughitneedsto

remainasecret.Onlyafewpeopleknow.Myagent,forone.Hehelpsbuildthequirky-artistpersonatokeeppeopleaway.You'reright.I'mnotClaytonBender,butItookhisnamealmostthirtyyearsago."

"Yourownnamewasn'tgoodenough?""Thename,yes.Butthelifethatwentwithit,no.""Where'stherealMr.Bender?""Hepassedaway.""Didyoukillhim?"Helaughs."No,Jenna,Ipromiseyouhispassingwasquitenatural.""Howdidyoumeethim?"Hestandsandwalksovertothekitchensink,pouringtherestofhiscoffee

out."IranawaywhenIwassixteen.Ihadnootheroptions."Heturnsbacktofaceme."Igotmixedupwithsomepeoplewhocoulddomesomeseriousharm.Afriendgavemesomemoneyandhiscar,andIendedupontheothersideofthecountryonBender'sdoorstep.Hewasaloneroutinthedesertandneededaworker,soIhelpedhimoutandhehelpedme,noquestionsasked.Istayedwithhimforthreeyears."

"Hewasanartistthen?""Ofsorts."Hesmilesandshrugs,joiningmeatthetableagain."Hegotby

withasmallNetbusiness—grindingandthensellingnaturalpigmentstoartistsallovertheworld—andtherestofthetimehewanderedthedesertcollectingstones.Hepiledthemintolittlemonumentswhereverhetookanotion.Ididn'tunderstandit,butIhelpedhim.Inastrangeway,ithelpedmenottothink.Maybethat'swhyhedidit,too.Thenonedayhewentoutaheadofmelookingforstones,andwhenIcaughtupwithhim,hewasdead.Ineverfoundoutwhatitwas.Heartattackorstroke.Idon'tknow.IburiedhimandgavehimhisownmonumentandthenIwaitedforanotheryear,thinkingsomeonewouldshowup.Family,friends,someonetoclaimthehouse,butnooneevercame.Inthemeantime,Ijustkeptstackingthestones.Ilivedoffthemoneyhehadstashedaway,butIknewthatcouldn'tlastforever,andthenonedayitfinallyoccurredtome.Ididn'thavetohideoutforever.IcouldbeClaytonBender.Ihadhisbirthcertificateandotherdocuments,andnotasoulintheworldseemedtoknowhim.I'vebeenhimeversince."

"Andyouroldlife?Doyouevermissit?""Parts.MostlyIregretthatIneversawmyparentsagain.""Oryourbestfriend?"HeshrugsandlooksawaysoIcan'tseehiseyes."Nowyouknowmy

secret,"hesays."Willyoukeepit?""Ihavenoonetotell.AndIwouldn'tevenifIdid.""Good.Youreadytotellmeyoursecrets?""Idon'thaveany,"Isay."NonethatIrememberatleast."ItoccurstomethatMr.Benderismuchmorecleveratfindinginformation

aboutJennaFoxontheNetthanIam.IfheknowsIamseventeen,whatelsedoesheknow?SecretsthatIdon'tevenknow?Myhandstremble.Ihaveneverseenthemtremblebefore.Istareatthem.

"Jenna?"Iclaspmyhandstogethertomakethemstill.Forthefirsttime,Inoticethey

don'tinterlacesmoothly.ItfeelslikeIhavetwelvefingersinsteadoften.Ikeepreworkingthem,reclasp-ing,butitstillfeelsawkward.Whywon'ttheylacetogether?

"Jenna?Youallright?"Myhands.Ishovethembothbeneathmythighs,outofsight.Hemadeithisbusiness

toknow.Ilookathim."Whatelsedidyoufindoutaboutme,Mr.Bender?""Idon'tthinkI—""Please.""Ireadthatyouwereinjuredinanaccident.Theydidn'texpectyouto

survive."Theroomspins,andIholdontothetable.Worse,IfeellikeIamonthe

edgeofshuttingdown.It'sasthough,spokenaloud,thewordaccidentisaswitch,andit'smakingeverythinginsidemegoblack.IsthatwhyIavoiditwithMotherandFather?Istruggletofocus.Findyourway.Makeityourbusiness."Whatkind?"

"Ofaccident?""Yes.That.""Acaraccident."Acaraccident?WhydidIthinkitwassomethingelse?Somethingmore

terrible?Therearethousandsofcaraccidentseveryday.Itispracticallycommon.Acaraccident.Icanalmostsayitoutloud.ExceptIwasn'texpectedtosurvive—andIdid.Thatisnotcommon.

"Anythingelse?""Thearticlewasmoreaboutyourdad.Anythinghedoesisnews,andhe

wastakingaleaveofabsencefromhisworkbecauseofyourcondition.Sinceyouwereunderage,alotofinformationwasunavailable,buttheBostonGlobe

managedtofindoutthatthenursesthoughtyourconditionwasprettygrave."Hepauses.Isheretrievinginformationorplanningalie?Iwatchhiseyescarefully.Hispupilsdarttotheleftandthenbacktome."Thatwasaboutallthearticlesaid,Jenna."

Alie.DoesheknowIhavenomemory?Whatelse?Butcuriously,hestillseems

towanttobemyfriendsoIdropit.Fornow."DidIpass?"Iask."Pass?""TheBenderNeighborInvestigation?"Hesmiles."YoupassedthedayImetyou,Jenna.Yougavemehonestyand

attitude.Ilikedthat.""Idon'tremembergivingyouanything.""Attitude,Jenna.Youwalkedrightuptome.Toldmewhatyouthoughtof

mywork.Youweren'tafraidofanything."ButI'mafraidofeverything.Myself.Mother.Lily.Friendswhohauntmein

thenight.Evengoingtoschool,whichissomethingIaskedfor.IfIhaveattitude,itishidingsomewheredeep,someplaceI'mafraidImayneverfind.

JennaFox/YearTwelveJennaisattheshore.Apitchforkisinherhands.Cordsofhairwhipfrom

herponytailacrossherface.Shesmilesatthecameraandsays,"Comeon,Mom,putitdownandhelpme!"Attwelveyearsold,IstillcalledherMom.WhendidIbegincallingherClaire?Ican'trecall,butIfeelthehardnessofthewordonmylips.Thecamerawobbles,andClaire'svoiceisloud."Inaminute.Letmegetalittlemorefirst."

Wasthisafamilygetaway?Adayatthebeach?EveryaspectofJenna'slifeisrecorded.Fathercomesintoviewwithasilverpailinhand,andhewavesitinfrontofmyface."Allmine,"heteases."Iwon'tgohungry!Can'tsaythesameforyoutwo."

Jennalaughs,thispersonthatisme,andcalls,"Hehasahundredquahogs,Mom!Putthatdown,orwe'llstarve!"Jennathrustsherpitchforkintothesandandthecamerazoomsinonhersandyfeet,thenglidesupthelengthofherbody,likeeveryinchisbeingadored.Itfinallystopsonmyface.Itreststhere.Caressing.Watching.Watchingwhat?Theenthusiasm?Theruddycheeks?Theanticipation?Watchingallthebreaths,heartbeats,andhopesofMatthewand

ClaireFox?Foramoment,IcanseetheweightofitinJenna'sface.Myface."Mom!"Jennapleads.Thecamerawobbles,isturnedoff,andanewsceneappears,focusingonacampfire—

"Stop!"Thediscobeys.Ablanket.Ablueone.Acanteen.IthinkIknowwhatcomesnext.Aflutterrunsthroughme.Iknow.Ipictureascene,fullyformed.Jenna,

cross-leggedonablueplaidblanketonthesand.Amugofsteaminghotchocolateinmyhands.Hotchocolatewiththreefatmarshmallows.Ilovedhotchocolate.Taste!Iamshockedatmyfirstmemoryoftaste.HowcouldIforgettaste?Chunkafterchunkpiecestogether.Itislikeawindowhasbeenopenedandmemoriesarebreezingthroughit.Days.Weeks.Threeweeksofdetailscollectandrunthroughmymind,everyonerememberedandsharp.

Ipullmyselfclosertothescreenonmydesk.Myheadvibrates."Play,"Icommand.Thesceneshiftsfromthecampfiretome.I'msittingonablueblanket.Iliftamugofhotchocolatetomylipsandofferafrothy,chocolate-mustachedgrin.

"Stop."Ilaymyheadonmydesk.Iclosemyeyesandsoakinwhatitmeans.

Iknew.Awholechunkofmylifeismineagain.Threewholeweeks'worth.Itseemslikealifetime.Myeyesblinkopen."Mother!"Icall.Iracefrommyroomanddownthe

stairstothekitchen."Lily!"Nooneanswers.IseeMotheroutthewindow,talkingwithaworkmanand

pointingtopanesinthegreenhouse.Lilyisnodoubtsomewherewithin.Iruntothepantryandsearchforingredients.Ipullcocoaandthensugarfromtheshelves.Marshmallows!Lilyhasmarshmallows,too!Ituckthebagbeneathmyarmandletthemalltumbleontothekitchencounter.Milk!Asaucepot!Iremember!Ipour.Istir.ImakesenseofastoveIhaveneverusedbefore.Ifeelfull,powerful,likeIhaven'tfeltsinceIwokeup.I'mmakinghotchocolate.Ilovehotchocolate!Isearchthecupboardsforamug.IpullthelargestoneIcanfindfromtheshelfandpourthesteamingmixturein.Iripopenthebagofmarshmallows,andjustasIplopthemin,LilyandMothercomeinthroughthebackdoor.Theystopandstareatmeandthehelter-skeltermessIhavemade.

"Iremember!Ilovehotchocolate!"Iraisethemuglikeatoasttocelebratethisnewmemory.Iexpectasmile—

atleastfromMother—butinstead,asIbringthemugtomylips,herfacewrinklesinhorrorandsheyells,"No!"

TasteMaybeIdon'tlikehotchocolate.Andmaybethethreeweeks'worthofmemoriesaren'trealatall.MaybeIdon'tremembersneakingonmakeupinthebathroomatschool.OrcompletingadoublepirouetteandfinishingasgracefullyasifIreallydidhavewings.OrsnugglingonthesofawithagoldendogInamedHunter.Thehotchocolatewastasteless.Justlikemynutrients.Iknowyoucanforgetalotofthings,buthowcanyouforgettaste?Whenthemugslippedfrommyfingers.Lilycaughtit.Andhardlyanyspilledonthefloor.

SchoolI'mcertainitisClaire'sfault.Everything.Whydoesshewhimperandcower

so?Issheguilty?ShecriedwhenIdroppedthemug.Iwantedtohither.It'smine,dammit.Mine.Butitmustbehers,too,withthewayshetakesiton.ItislikesheownseveryshortcomingIhave.Maybeshejustplainownsme.Shetriedtoexplainitaway.It'stemporary.Yourtastewillreturn.Youshouldn'thavefoodanyway.Ispentthenexthourlockedinmybathroom,staringatmytongue.It'snormal.Roughandpinkandfleshy.What'swrongissomewhereelseinside.Somethingthatisdisconnectedwithinme.Idon'ttrusther.Shehovers,smiles,cries,andcontrols.Toomuchofeverything.Ineedtogetawayfromher.

Iopenthecardoor.Sheopenshers,too."No,"Isay."I'mseventeen.Icandothisonmyown.""But,Jenna—"I'velearnedhowtosmileinthespaceofjustafewshortweeks.I'mlearning

howtocontrol,too."Claire,"Isaytoholdhertotheseat.

Sheshutsherdoor."Thatagain?"shesays,lookingstraightahead.Sheishurt.Everythingbacksupinsideme.School,control,distrust,anddoubt,theyallgetshovedbehindthehurtonherface.

Ihearwords,wordsfromlongagothatweresnarledinsideme.I'msorry.Sosorry.Wordsthatweretrappedinmyheadandcouldn'tbesaid,frozenbehindlipsthatwouldn'tmove.Andthatmademewanttosaythemmore.

It'sokay,darling.It'sallright.Shhh.Everythingwillbefine.ClaireansweringoverandoveragainwhenIhadn'tevenspoken,lookingintomyeyesandreflectingallthepainshesaw.

Igetoutofthecarandleandown,lookingatherthroughthewindow.Claireforcesasmile.Hereyesclingtome.I'msosorry.Sherollsdownthewindow.Isayadozenmoreredundantthings—thingswehavealreadydiscussed—justtokeepherfromtalking.Iwilltakemyafternoonnutrients.Iwillnotdiscusstheaccident.Iwillbeoutsideatthreeo'clock.IwillcallifIneedher.I'mafraidshewillhavealast-minutechangeofheart,willcontrolmeinthatwayshedoesandforcemebackintothecarjustbysayingmyname.ItislikewearebothfightingforcontrolofJennaFox.

"I'llbefine,"Ifinallysay,andthankfully,likeamiracle,sheleaveswithoutsayinganotherword.

Iturnandfacethevillagecharter.School.Itisnothingmorethananabandonedrealestateoffice.Iseethedefunctsigndismantledandleaningagainsttheside,almostobscuredbyovergrownweeds.Dustyblindshanginthewindows.Apalecoatofyellowpaintmakesafaintattemptatsprucingitup.Itlooksmorelikeanoldfarmhouse.Maybeitoncewas.Theiremphasisisecosystems?IwenttoacentralacademyinBoston—Clairetoldme—butevenbeforesheconfirmedit,Iknew.IrememberwhenKara,Locke,andIditchedaseminar.Wewereafraidbuthopedwewouldn'tbemissedamongthehundredsofstudentswhowereinourclass.Idon'tknowwhatacharterislikeexceptthatitissmall.Hundreds,maybethousandsofstudentssmallerthananacademy.Theygotoschoolonlyafewdaysaweek.Whatkindofstudentschoosetogotosuchasmall,run-downschoolwhentheycouldattendanacademywitheveryoneelse?Itisdifferentineveryway,butsinceIcan'tremembertoomuchabouttheoldways,itshouldn'tmattertome.WhydidIwanttogotoschoolagain?

Iwalkupthestepsandgoinside.

Dane"YoumustbeJenna."Theroomissmall.Icouldalmostspreadmyarmsoutandtoucheachwall.

Itholdsadeskandalargeroundwoman,whoissmilingatme.Shealreadyknowsmyname.Istareathershockingorangehair.

IwanttoleaveandflagdownClaire."ItisJenna,right?""Yes,"Isay."Whoareyou?""Mitch."Sheremainsseatedbutholdsoutherhand.Itakeit.Itispuffyand

hotandamazinglystrongasshesqueezesmyfingerstight."I'mthefacilitator,whichmeansIdoabouteverythingaroundhere."

"Exceptpullweeds?"Shehesitatesforamomentandthenlaughs."You'regoingtofitrightin

aroundhere,Jenna."ShereachesbehindherandhandsmeasmallNetbook."IjustneedyoutofilloutaquestionnaireandthenI'lltakeyoubackwiththeothers."

Iamrelievedthatthequestionsarebasic,mostlywantingtoknowmyinterestsandwhatIseeasmystrengthsandweaknesses.Strengths?Easy.Idon'tholdgrudges.It'sdifficulttoholdagrudgewhenyoucan'trememberwhattheyare.Weaknesses?Wouldforgetfulbeunderstatingit?Igoforsomethingeasiertointerpret.Strength:Historybuff.Weakness:None.Thelastquestionmakesmepause:Whydidyouchooseaschoolwithanecosystememphasis?

Ididn't.Clairedid."Finished?"Mitchasks.Closeenough."Yes."IclosetheNetbookandhanditbacktoher.I

rememberwhyIwantedtocometoschool.Ineedfriends,Notquestions.Ihaveenoughofthosealready.

"Finethen,let'sgomeettheotherstudents—andDr.Rae.She'syourprincipalteacher.Director,really.Mostofthecurriculumisself-guided,andeachofyoutakesontheroleofcollaborator-teacher.Butshewilltellyouallaboutthat."SheslidestheNetbookintoafilewithfourothers,stands,andguidesmethroughadoorwayanddownahallthatcreaksunderherheavyfootsteps.

Sheopensthelastdoor,andIfollowherin.Itisalargeroomwithmodernfurnishings.Atoneendarechairsandthreelonglibrarydesks.AttheotherendoftheroomareahalfdozenNetstations.Inthecenter,takingupmostofthe

room,aretwowornleathercouchesandfourslingchairs.Inotethatthechairs'fabricmatchesMitch'scheddar-cheesehair.Twoboysandonegirloccupythem.NoneofthemlookliketheycouldbeaDr.Rae.

"Where'sRae?"Mitchasks."She'sconferencing,"thegirloffers.Mitchraiseshereyebrows."WithMr.Collins,Ipresume?"Nooneanswers.Iconcludeitwasn'taquestionbecauseMitchappears

satisfiedandmoveson."LetmeintroduceJenna.She'sgoingtobejoiningyourgroup."

Theboywhosebackistomestandsup,turns,andIrecognizehim.Heistheboyfromthemissionwiththedirtyhandsandblackhair."Ethan,"hesays.Hedoesn'tofferasmileorahand,buthiseyesareclearlyfocusedonmine.

Thegirlstrugglestogetup.Shehasabraceineachhand."Ihopetolosethesesoon,"shesays.Shetucksonebraceunderherarmandreachesoutherotherhand."I'mAllys."Herhandisstiffandcool.

Mitchturns,notwaitingfortherestoftheintroductions."Raewillbeinsoon,I'msure.Carryon,"shesaysassheleaves.

Theotherboystepsforward,wipeshispalmsonhisjeans,andthenstuffstheminhispockets,apparentlydecidingnottoofferoneafterall.Heisthinandsmall."I'mGabriel.Hi."

"Hello,"Isaytothemall."Where'stherestofyourclass?""Thisisit,cupcake.WelcometoFreaksUnlimited."Ispinaround.Ayoungmanfillsthedoorway."Shutup,Dane."DaneignoresEthanandsmilesatme."Sothisisourlatestaddition.Very

nice.Ethan'srightforonce—nothingfreakishaboutyou."Hecarefullylooksmeover,likeheistryingtodecidesomething."We'vemet?"

"Acoupledaysago.Iwasoutside—""Myhouse.Yes.Iremember.Soyou'reJennaFox."Inevertoldhimmylastname.DidMitch?Danesaunterspastmeandplopsontothecouch.Heisfullofsmiles.He

seemstobethehappiestofthegroup."Youcanputyourstuffinthere,ifyoulike,"Allystellsme,pointingtoa

cabinetbehindthelibrarytables.AllIhaveisasmallknapsackcontainingmyvialofnutrients,butIgoaheadandwalktotheotherendoftheroomtoputitaway.

"Wrong!"Danecallsout."Istandcorrected.Youareoneofus."

Iturnbacktohim."Pardonme?"Isay."Yourfeet?""Leaveit,Dane.""What?We'resupposedtopretendshedoesn'twalkfunny?Right,Allys.

Andyou'vegotallyourdigits,andEthanhasamagneticpersonality.""Eatit,"Ethansaysandfallsbackintooneoftheslingchairs.GabrielslinksintothecornerandsitsataNetstation,lookingsmalland

thankfultobeundertheradar.Allysworksherwaybacktoherchair."Learntoignorehim,Jenna.Therest

ofusdo."Iwalkfunny?"It'sokay,"Isay."Ihadan—"Don'tdiscusstheaccident."—anillness.I'll

bebettersoon.""That'swhatweallsay,"Daneanswers.Dr.Raebreezesintotheroom."Jenna,you'rehere.Welcome!Andyou've

allbeengettingacquainted.That'snice."Nice.Ineedtolookthatwordupagain.

Ethan

Igetaturnat"conferencing"withRae.Shedoesn'tliketobecalleddoctor.Shesaysweareall"learningcolleagues."Shetellsmedetailsofherlife.Sincewearecolleagues,shesays,Ishouldknowasmuchaboutherassheknowsaboutme.Sheisforty-eight,olderthanClaire,butshelooksabouttenyearsyounger.IwonderwhathasagedClaireso.ShesaysshemovedherefromOhiowhenshewasateenager.Itwashardforhertomoveatthatage.

"WasyourmovefromNewYorkdifficultforyou?"sheasks.NewYork.Right.MothersaysnottotellwearefromBoston.Reportersare

alwaysbotheringFather,andshewantspeaceandquiet."No,"Isay."Isleptrightthroughit."Shesmiles."Itsoundslikeyou'reflexible,Jenna—andhaveasenseof

humor.Thatwilltakeyoufar."Iletherthinkwhatshewants.Shetellsmethatthethreedaysaweekthatwemeet,teacher-collaborators

willinstructoncoresubjects.Staterequirementsaremodifiedasmuchaspossibletocomplementtheecosystemsemphasis.ThismorningwhilesheandIconference,EthanisleadingadiscussionwiththeothersonWalden.Apparently,literatureisEthan'sstrength.Gabrielisteacher-collaboratorforproblemsolvingandlogic.Allysleadsscienceandethics.Daneleadsartexplorations.Raefillsintheholes.

"Wouldyoubeinterestedinleadingusinhistoricalexplorations?We'rejustabouttobeginadiscussionofEasterIslandandthe—"

"EasterIslandwassettledapproximatelyA.D.300bytheRapaNui.ByA.D.1000deforestationwasunderwaytosatisfytheislanders'demandformoaiconstruction.Thelossofforestresultedinerosion,whichinturnacceleratedtherapiddeclineoftreesontheisland.By1600,thefailingresourcesoftheislandcouldnolongersupportthepopulation,andasaresult,cannibalism—"

InoticeRae'speculiarexpression,soIstop."Uh,yes,Iguessyoudoknowyourhistory,"shesays."I'mfamiliarwithWalden,too,ifEthanneedshelp."I'mmorethanfamiliar

—Icouldreciteitwordforword,butIdon'ttellherthat.I'mstartledatthisrevelationmyself.Untilshementionedit,IhadnorecollectionofWalden.Imusthavelovedliterature,too.

"Isee."Shelooksbackatmyquestionnaire.Iknowwhatsheisgoingtosaybeforethewordsleavehermouth.Weaknesses?Youhavenoweaknesses?Itskipsthroughme.Catches.Weakness.Please,Jenna.Weneedyou.WhydoIseeKara'sandLocke'sfaces?Theycouldn'thavebeenmyweaknesses.Theyfeel

morelikemystrengths."Andnoweaknesses?""Ididn'twritethemdown.""Wouldyouliketoshare?"Share?I'mafraid.I'mlost.Ihavenofriends.Itkeepscomingbacktothat.Whydoesitbothermeso?Ihavenofriends.WhichweaknessshallItellher?"Iwalkfunny,"Isay,andsheissatisfiedwiththat.Morningcollaborationscontinueuntileleven.IcorrectEthantwiceinhis

evaluationsofWalden.Iwanttobehisfriend.Friendshelpfriends.Itismysecondtimethatpromptshimtoraisehisvoice."Butitwashis

rejectionofmaterialismandtheIndustrialRevolutionthatwasthepointofhismovetoWaldenPondandthestrengthoftheentire—"

"Nottrue,"Itellhim."Itwasaprivatejourneyasmuchasapublicone.Hewassearchingforhispersonalessenceasmuchashewasmakingapoliticalstatement."

"But—""Inhisfinalconclusionhesays,Itislifenearthebonewhereitissweetest.

Andbuildingonthathesays,Isatatatablewherewererichfoodandwineinabundance,andobsequiousattendance,butsincerityandtruthwerenot;andIwentawayhungryfromtheinhospitableboard."

"Butwhatabout—""Andofcourse,muchearlierheplainlystates,Iwenttothewoodsbecause

Iwishedtolivedeliberately...tolivedeepandsuckoutallthemarrowoflife...to—"

"Igetit,"Ethansnaps.Dane,Allys,andGabrielstareatme.Ethanlooksaway.Raeisquickly

flippingthroughWalden,runningherfingersdownthepages.Finallysheraiseshereyestome,too.

Danestands."TheonlythingThoreauandIhaveincommonisthatwe'rebothhungry,"hesays."I'mouttahere."

Raelooksatherwatch."Eleven.Yes,it'stimeforourbreak,Thankyou,Jenna.Andyou,too,Ethan."

Daneisalreadyoutthedoor.RaeisdrawnawaybyMitchandsomethingmoreimportantthanme.

Theothersstandawkwardly.IcanseeI'veupsetthebalance.Dotheyhavetoincludethenewgirlwhowalksfunnyintheirbreakplans?Dotheyhavetoredefineboundaries?DotheyhavetomakeroomforsomeonewhointerruptedEthanwhensheshouldhavekeptherbigmouthshut?WhycanIseethatnowwhenit'stoolate?

"Breakisfortwohours,"Allyssays."Timetoeat,workonpersonalprojects,conference—Rae'sbigonthat.Youcandowhateveryouwant."

Gabrielgesturesoverhisshoulder."Weusuallygoacrossthestreetandgetsomethingtoeatatthemarket.Everyone'skindofontheirown."

Ontheirown.Right.Igetit.Inod."ThenI'lljuststay—""Wanttocome?"Ethanasks.

AllysAllysremovesherlegandpropsitagainstthetable."I'mnotsupposedto

takethemoffatschool,butthisonestillbothersme."Shemassagesherstump.GabrielandEthangooneatingtheirlunches.Istareatthestumpandthentheartificialleg."Doesthisbotheryou?"sheasks."Icanputitback—"

"No.I'mjustsurprised.Ididn'trealize.Wereyouinjuredsomehow?""No.Ihadabacterialinfection.Worsethanmost.Antibioticsweren't

touchingit,andbythetimetheywereabletogetaRestrictedAntibioticWaiver,Ihadalreadylostoneleg.Thisone,actually."Sherunsherfingersoverherstumpandgrimaces."Iguessthefirstishardesttolose."

"Yourotherlegisartificial,too?""Andmyarms.Ialsohadsomeorgandamage,whichiswhyIhavetotake

thismountainofmedicine."Sheswallowsahandfulofpillsanddownsthemwithwater.

Myeyesshiftfromherstumptoherhands."Theylookso—""Real?"Inod."Ihearthatalot.Amazingwhattheycandothesedays."Shepullsupher

sleeve,andIcanseeabarelyperceptiblelinewhereartificialmeetsrealskin."Theyevencustomizeditwithmyoriginalmolesandfreckles."

"Yeah,"Gabrieladdsthroughamouthfuloffood,"shehasawholeconstellationonherotherarm."Ethandoesn'tsayanything.Hejustwatchesmewhileheeats.

"Sure,nicecosmetics,butIstillhavephantompains.It'sonlybeensixmonths,soIamhopingthatwillgoaway,too.Thebiofeedbacktreatmentsworkedontheothersbutnotonthisoneforsomereason."Shestopsrubbingherstumpandpicksuphersandwich.Iwatchherartificialfingersdelicatelybendandadjustaroundthebreadjustliketheyarereal.Iamawareofprostheticdevices,butIthinkthisisthefirsttimeIhaveseenthemsoclose.Theskinlooksasrealasmyown.Allysglancesatme,andIlookaway.IalreadyhaveonestrikeagainstmebyshowingupEthan.Idon'twantanotherbyoglingher.They'veinvitedmeintotheircircle.Iwanttostayhere.

Isitbackinmychair,tryingtolookrelaxed.Asmalldiningareaiscarvedoutofonecornerofthemarket.Itholdstwosmalltables,eachwithfourchairs.They'recrowdednexttothejuiceaisle.GabrielandAllysbothgotready-madesandwichesfromtherefrigeratedsection.Ethanboughtanapple,abeanandcheeseburrito,andabottleofmilk.Eventhoughheinvitedmetocome,heseemsreluctanttotalktome.I'mtryingtokeepmymouthshut,butsinceI'mnoteating,itisn'teasy.

"WhataboutDane?"Iask."Ithoughthewashungry."Gabrielsmirks."Danedoesn'teatwithus.""Becausewe'refreaks?"Iask."Speakforyourself!"Ethansnaps.Hisvoiceisloudandpockstheair

betweenus.Idon'tknowwhattosay.Ididn'tmeanthatIthoughthewasafreak.Iwas

justrepeatingDane'swords,butI'mafraidtoevenexplainthat.ImightappearlikeI'mcorrectinghimagain.

Ilookoutthewindow,ajammed-upfeelinggrowinginside.AmIgoingtocry?Orisitsomethingelse?Myeyesaredry,butIfeellikesomethingwantstoburstoutofme.Ifocusontheemptyroadoutside.Holdback.Holditin.Keepyourmouthshut,Jenna.Keepitshut.Shut.Shut.

"Well,Danewascertainlyrightaboutonething,"Isay,turningfromthewindowtolookstraightintoEthan'seyes.

"What'sthat?"heasks,daringmetoanswer."Youdohaveamagneticpersonality."Wonderfultiming,Jenna.Nowisnotthetimeformyattitudetocomeoutof

hiding.

Gabrielstopschewing,andhiseyesgrowwide.Allyssetshersandwichaside.Ethansits,stunned,likeIjustslappedhimacrosstheface.Thetensionholdsuslikeashockofelectricityandthensomethingoddhappens.Allyschuckles.Alittlesnortatfirst.Andthenadeepexpellingofairthatcomesallthewayupfromherbelly.HerlaughtersnagsGabriel,andpuffsofairfillhischeeks,andtheninthenextbreath,EthanandIaresnorting,too,unabletomaintainourscowls.PiecesofbreadflyfromGabriel'smouth,andweallhowllouder,untilfinallyAllyssays,holdingherstomach,"Ilikeyou,Jenna."

Mylaughtersubsides,andIhearhersoftvoiceoverandoverinmyheaduntilIjustsittherewithsatisfactionwrappingaroundme.Ilikeyou.That'swhatshesaid.Ilikeyou,Jenna.

Ethan'seyesaresofternow,gentlyfocusedonmine,likethedayIfirstsawhimatthemission."Sorry,"hesays."Ididn'tmeantobeadickhead."

Dickhead?AnotherwordI'velost.Itmustmeanannoyingorsmall-minded."Ididn'tnotice,"Isay,whichbringsanothersmallchucklefromhim."Danepushesourbuttons,"hesays."Especiallymine.MostofthetimeItry

toignorehim.""We'redifferentfromothers,"Gabrielsays,likeheisadmittingsomething.

"Butthatdoesn'tmeanwe'refreaks.""Danehasawaywithwords,"Allysadds.Ethanswigsdownabiggulpofmilkandbringsthebottledownlikea

gavel."Danehasawaywitheverything.""HekeyedEthan'strucklastweek,"Gabrielexplains."Noonecanproveit,

butweirdthingsalwaysseemtohappenaroundDane.""He'smissingsomething.Imean,reallymissingsomething,"Allyssays.Gabrielshakeshishead."He'snotlikeus.""He'snotlikeanyone,"Ethansays."That'sprobablywhyhe'sinschoolwith

us.Inthatsense,he'sright.Weallhavereasonsforneedingtocometoasmallalternativeschool.MytheoryisDane'salreadybeenkickedoutofeveryschoolwithinathousand-mileradius."

"Atleast,"Gabrielconfirms.Idon'tknowwhattosay.Theyseemtobereleasingeveryfrustrationthey

haveaboutDane,andyetIfoundhiminteresting.Bluntmaybe,butsomethingabouthimintriguesme.Maybehishonesty?He'stheonlyonewhobotheredtotellmethatIwalkfunny.Whydidn'tClaire?Andwhatexactlyisfunny?

I'mgladwhenAllysturnstheconversationfromDanetoher."Myreasonsforcomingtothisschoolaren'tsomysterious,"shesays."Alargecampusjust

doesn'tworkformeanymore,andaflexibleschedulemakestherapyeasiertoworkin.AtanacademyIwouldalwaysbemissingschool.That'soneofthereasonsI'mhere."Allyspicksuphersandwichandresumeseating."Plus,Ilikethecoursestudybetter.Especiallyafterallthis"—shegestureswithallfourlimbs."Ihaveaparticularinterestinbioethics,andRaeletsmeexplorethat.Why'dyouwanttocomehere,Jenna?"

"Ididn'texactlywantto.Mymotherchoseit.I'vebeensickand..."Idon'tknowhowtofinish.Istillhavealightheadedaversiontosayingthewordaccident.HasMotherdrilleditintomethatdeepnottospeakaboutit?Oristheresomeotherreason?ButIdon'twanttolie.

"Accident,"Isaymuchtooloudly."Ihadanaccident.AndI'mstillrecovering."

Theyallstareatme.Mywordshavecomeoutinhaltingspurts.Lovely,Jenna.

"Youdon'thavetotellus—""Andtheworstpartofitis,I'veforgotteneverything.Idon'tremembermy

parents,myfriends,whichthingsIlove,andwhichthingsIhate.Ican'tevenrememberwhichsideIpartedmyhairon—ormaybeitwasdownthemiddle?Andlookatthis,"Isay,pointingatmylegs,"Iobviouslycan'tevenrememberhowtowalk!"

"It'sokay—""It'sallablank.Mylife,myparents,myfriends.I'mnotsureIshouldeven

behere.Ican'trememberanythingthatmatters,"Isayinadesperatebreathlessfinish,feelinglikeIhaveconfessedasinandIneedforgiveness.Theirforgiveness.Threefriends.Aretheyfriends?

Ethan'seyes,atthatmoment,arethekindest,deepest,safestbrownIamsureIwilleverknow.Iwaitforhimtoabsolvemeofnotrememberingamotherwhobirthedme,agrandmotherwhosavedme,friendswhorebelledwithme,andasuffocatingfearIcan'tname.

"Jenna,"hesays.Hisvoiceisassoftasasparrow'sbeatingwing,andIcanalmostfeelthegentleflutteracrossmycheek."Thouspeakesttheloveliest...loadofcrap."Heleanscloseandwhispers,"Asinglegentlerainmakesthegrassmanyshadesgreener.Soourprospectsbrighten..."

Hewaitsexpectantly.Ileanincloser.Hewatchesmylips,andIletmywordstrickleoutassoftlyashis."...on

theinfluxofbetterthoughts.Weshouldbeblessedifwelivedinthepresentalways,andtookadvantageofeveryaccidentthatbefellus...."

Ethandownstherestofhismilk."Twopointsmade.""Three,"Isay.Heraiseshiseyebrows."You'refarmoreversedinWaldenthanyouleton,"Isay.Andnotadickheadatall,Ithinktomyself.

PiecesIsn'tthatwhatalloflifeisanyway?Shards.Bits.Moments.AmIlessbecauseIhavefewer,ordothefewIhavemeanmore?AmIjustasfullasanyoneelse?Enough?Pieces.Allyssaying"Ilikeyou."Gabrielsnortingoutbread,freeingmetolaugh.AndEthanremindingmehowmuchIdoknow.Pieces.Iholdthemliketheyarelifeitself.Theynearlyare.

FineTuning"Don'tforget,I'mcominghomewithEthan,"Icallouttothekitchen."So

don'tpickmeup."Iwalkdownthehallway,turnaround,andwalkbackagain,watching

myselfinthefull-lengthmirror.Iliftmyfeetcarefully,butitseemsoverdone.Maybeit'smyarms?Dotheyswingproperly?Igobacktotheendofthehallwayandtryagain.

Clairecallsback,nottomebuttoLily,loudsoIcanhear,"Didyouhearthat,Mom?Jenna'scominghomewithEthan.Soundsalmostlikeadate."

Ismile.Thelastfewdays,Motherhasbeensocheerful,almostgiddythatschoolhasgonewell.Perhapssheseesmylife—andhers—comingbacktous.

Istareatthemirror.Ithinkit'smyknees.Iwalkslowly,willingthemintosmoothmovements.Better.Igotothekitchen."It'snotadate,Mother.I'mjustworkingattheMissionwithEthanuntilIfindmyowncommunityproject."

Mothertiltsherheadandrollshereyes."Oh.Sure.Acommunityproject.I'veseenEthanthelasttwodayswhenIpickedyouup.He's—"

"Claire!"Lilyyells."What'sgottenintoyou?Doyoureallythinkit'swisetoencouragethis?Dating?Thinkitthrough!"

IglareatLily.MotherandIarefinallyhavingsomethingthatresemblesaconversationandshehastoputastoptoit.Whydoesshehavetobesoannoying?Sosmall-minded?So—

"Don'tbesuchadickhead,Lily!"Itellher.Mother'sjawdropsandsheseemstoforgetwhatshewasgoingtosay.Lilyissilentforamomentandthenbendsoverthecounter.Laughing?Isshelaughing?I'mafraidIwillneverunderstandeitheroneofthem.

JennaFox/YearFourteenSinceLilyisn'tdrivingmetothemissionuntilteno'clock,Icontinuetofill

themorningwiththetaskofwalking.IwashopingtohaveitfiguredoutbeforeIsawEthanagain.Ipracticeinfrontofthemirror.Imoveslow.Imovefast.Iswaymyhips,myhands,mychin.Iglide,butitisallstilloff.Iseethatnow.AmItryingtoohard?

Idecidetowatchthevideos.MaybeI'lllearnsomething.Isn'tthatwhatMothersays?Thatitmighttriggersomething?MaybeitwilltriggersomethinginmylegsandarmssoIwalklikeeveryoneelse.Iwanttobelikeeveryoneelse.IsawhowDanelookedatme,beforehesawmeclodmywayacrosstheclassroom.Ilikedthewayhiseyeswerefixedonme.Close.Personal.Soslowitalmostfeltlikehewasslidinghishandsoverme.Itmakesmefeeldifferent.Familiar.MaybeliketheoldJenna.

"Play,"Isay,andthediscfollowsmycommand.Igetlucky.YearFourteenappearstobeallaboutJennawalkingand

moving.Aswithallthediscs,YearFourteenbeginswithmybirthday.Iposenextto

astreetsign,Champs-Elysees,andthenrunalongthestreet,theArcdeTriompheasmydestination.Paris.Notbadforafourteenthbirthday."Hurry,Dad!"Icall.ButIdon'tfusstoomuch.JennaissousedtoeverymovebeingrecordedatthispointthatsheseemstohavesurrenderedherselftotheadorationofJennaFox.ThereisnosuchthingashurryforMotherorFather.Iamtoo

important.WhyisthisJennaFoxsostrong,butIfeellesspowerfulthanasinglekilowatt?

Jennastopsonthesidewalk,aspeckinthedistance.Shetwirls,herarmsoutstretched,herfaceliftedtoablueandcloud-puffedsky,strangerspassingher,absorbedinherperfect,happyworld.Hermovementsaresmoothandassured.Herlimbs,gracefulandelegant.Evenherfingerslooklikecalligraphyagainstthesky.

"Pause."Istandandmovetothecenterofmyroom.Istretchoutmyarms.Ilookatmyfingers.Theyareeverybitasleananddelicateastheonesonthedisc.Iturn.Slowly,atfirst.Andthenfaster.Itrytoimitatefourteen-year-oldJenna,butmyfeetcannotkeepup.Myanklescollide.Istumbletothesideandcatchmyselfonmydesk.Nothinghasbeentriggered.IamstillnotthenimbleJennaFoxonthedisc.

Ilookatmyfingersagain,theonesthattrembledandshookjustafewdaysagoatMr.Bender'skitchentable.Ibringthemtogether,fingertiptofingertip,likeasteeple.Eachoneperfectinappearance.Butsomethingisnot...right.SomethingthatIstillhavenowordfor.Itisadulltwistingthatsnakesthroughme.Isthisatangledfeelingthateveryonemyagefeels?Orisitdifferent?AmIdifferent?Islidemysteepledfingers,slowly,watchingtheminterlace.Tryingtointerlace,likeaclutcheddesperateprayer,butagain,IfeellikethehandsIamlacingarenotmyown,likeIhaveborrowedthemfromatwelve-fingeredmonster.Andyet,whenIcountthem,yes,thereareten.Tenexquisitelyperfect,beautifulfingers.

TheNewLilyandJennaLilydrives.Itapmyknee.Wedon'tspeak.Iwatchherfromtimetotime.

Sideways,whenIamsureshedoesn'tnotice.Ilookatthelinesfanningoutfromhereyes,thesimpleknotshehaspulledherhairinto,andthehastilyplacedclipthatholdsittogether.ShedrivesmetothemissionbecauseofMother.Ihavefiguredthatoutnow.AnythingshedoesformeisreallyforMother.Thereisnothingshewouldn'tdoforClaire.

Theyseemtobeatoddsrightnowoverme.ButIseethewayLilywatchesClaire,thewayshewillcomeupandsqueezehershoulders,orhugherfornoreasonatall,thewaytheystillsharesomethingthatIamnotapartof.

Ithinkshelovedmeonce.Butitisclearthatisnotthecaseanymore.She

toleratesme.ForClaire'ssake,Igather.Occasionallysheistouchedbysomethinginourpast.Iseeacrack.LikethedayIthoughtIwasdrowning.Butthensheputsherrigidexteriorbackon,likeprotectionagainstme.DoesshethinkIamdangerous?ThatIwouldhurther?

WouldI?IwantedtothismorninginthekitchenwhenshetoldClairetostopencouragingme.IthinkIwantedtohither.Hard.Icouldhave.ButIdidn't.

Strangely,Iwanthertolikeme.Idon'tknowwhy.Maybeitisjustwantingtogobacktothewaythingswere.TobetheoldJenna.TheoneIdon'tknowbuttheonesheloved.

Wetakebackroads.Thehillsarebrown,dry,cold.Butbeneaththedryscruff,springisemerging.Brightemeraldgrasscontrastswiththebrownchaparralthathoversaboveit.WinterisnotwelcomeinCalifornia.ItisonlythebeginningofFebruary,andspringisalreadyforcingitswayin.Clairesaysshelikesthetemperateclimate—thatshewillnevergobacktotheicywintersagain.ThatIwillnevergoeither.Howdoessheknow?Imight.Iwillnotalwaysbeseventeen.

Wepassatoppledbuilding,itsrubblebeingeatenbyweeds,andvines.Apparentlyafterthequake,somepartsofCaliforniawereworthrebuildingandotherswerenot."Hm,"Lilycommentsaswepass,forgettingouragreedsilence.

"Areyouafraid?"Iask.Shefeignssurprise."Ofearthquakes?No.Whenit'smytimetogo,Igo."Isshereallythatconfident?Justwheredoesshethinkshe'sgoing?"Go

where?"Iask,enjoyingpushingher.Shestaresatme.Longerthanissafewhendrivingfiftymilesperhour."Nevermind,"sheanswersandlooksbackattheroad.Ilookstraightaheadagain,too.Iknowwhatgomeanstoher,butIwantedhertosayit.

Die.Go.Toheaven?Isthatwhereshethinksshe'sgoing?Isshereallysureofgoing

toaplacethatisn'tevenonamap?Andhowcanshebesureshe'dlikeitonceshegotthere?Butthat'sLily.Onebigquestionmark.

Wereturntooursilence.Therearenomorecommentsabouttumbledbuildings,whoweare,were,orthestrainbetweenus.Wereturntosomethingunnaturalandpainfulandfamiliar.ThewayLilyandIarenow.

ThemissioncomessoonerthanIthink.WearehereandIlongformoreofthestrainedsilence.Itdoesn'tmakesense,butIsupposeinmynewworld,itdoes.IfollowLilydownthesamepathaslasttime—throughtheheavywooden

gate,thecemetery,andfinallythroughthechurchthatleadstotheinnercourtyardwhereIamtomeetEthan.Whensheopensthedoorintothechurch,anunexpectedwaveofchantingstopsus.Achoirofpink-cheekedboyslifttheirvoicesasapriestseemstopullthemusicfromtheirthroatswiththeurgingofhishands.Lilyimmediatelycrossesherselfandcloseshereyes.Theechooftheirvoicesmakesmestop,too.Itfeelslikeitisshakingsomethinginsideofme,somethingthataches.

"Comealong,"Lilywhispers."They'repracticing."Wecrossthroughthechurch,thepriestacknowledgingourpresencewitha

nodbutnotstoppingfromhiswork.Lilyopenstheoppositedoor,andweexittothecourtyard.

"Ethanisbringingyouhome,soonceIfinishmybusinesswithFatherRico,I'llbegoing."Sheturnstoleave.

Iamstillfilledwiththesoundoftheboys'clearvoices.Idon'twanttoletitgo.Idon'twanttoletLilygo.Sheisalreadywalkingaway."Iheardyou,"Isay.Shestopsandturnsaround."Crying,"Iadd."WhenIwasinacoma.IheardyoucryouttoJesus.Forme.Ithoughtyoushouldknow.Thatpeopleinacomacanhear."Herfingerstightenaroundthebaginherhands.Hereyesarefixedonme,butshedoesn'tspeak."DidyouknowIheardyou?"Iask.

Sheopenshermouth,butherwordsseemtobestuckinherthroat."No,"shefinallysays."Ididn'tknow."Sheswipesastrandofhairfromhercheek."Ineedtogo,"shesays."Ineedtogo."

Ethanisnotinthecourtyardaspromised,butafterseveralmisdirected

attempts,Ieventuallyfindhimatthelavanderia,theancientwashingbasinsnexttothegardens.Idon'tevenknowwhatIwillbedoingformycommunityproject.RaejustseemedtobesatisfiedthatIcouldworkwithEthanuntilIfoundaprojectofmyown.Wemustdevoteeighthoursperweektoit.

"Finally,"hesayswhenIarrive.Butbeforehespitsouthiscoldgreeting,Icatchsomething.Asmile?Notsomucharoundthemouthbutintheeyes.I'mlearningamazinglyfast.Heprobablydoesn'tevenknowIsaw.

"Igotalecturethismorning,thankstoyou,"Itellhim."Howso?""Apparentlydickheadmeansmorethanannoying.""Youcalledsomeonethat?""Mygrandmother."

Hewinces."Youdidn'tknowwhatitmeant?""Itoldyou,I'veforgottenalot—that'sassumingIeverevenhadthatlovely

wordinmyvocabulary."Hegruntsandrunshiseyesoverme."I'mguessingyoudid."Hewastesnomoretimeonchatandshowsmewhatistooccupymeforthe

nextfourhours.Dirt.Iwillbeshovelingdirtspoonfulbyspoonful.Thelavanderiaisundergoingrestorationtoremoveathicklayerofdirtthatcoversitsnorthernend,broughtaboutbysomelong-agomudslide.Thedirtmustberemovedcarefullysoasnottodamagetheancientstonesbeneathit.Weworksidebyside,usingflat-bottomedtrowelsandoccasionallyshearstocutthevinesandrootsthatweavethroughtheblanketofdirt.Inoticeheworksclosebymyside,eventhoughthereisalongwallofdirttoremove.

"Sowhyisyourgrandmotheradickhead—Imean,annoying?"heasks.I'mrelievedthathebreaksoursilencefirst."Becauseshesaidweshouldn't

bedating—"Oh,myGod,Jenna,Stupid.Stupid."We'redating?""No.Imean,mymotherthought—""Yourmotherthinkswe'redating?JustbecauseI'mgivingyouaride

home?""No.Well,yes.Imean,nevermind."Help.Everywordseemstoburyme

further.WasIalwaysthisinept?"Hm,"hesays.Hegrinsandstabshistrowelinforanotherloadofdirt.We

workforanothersilentfewminutesshouldertoshoulderonourhandsandknees,beingcarefulnottodigtoodeeply,andthenhesitsbackrestingonearmonhisknee."Sowhydoesn'tyourgrandmotherlikemedatingyou,otherthanIteachyoubadwords?"

Idropmytrowel."We'renotdating!Andit'snotyou.It'sme.""Shedoesn'tlikeyou?Ithoughtgrandmothershadtolikeyou.It'salawor

something."He'sright.Itshouldbealaw.Ormaybeitisformostpeople,Hearinghim

sayitoutloudmakesitmorepainful.Soobvious,Ofcourseagrandmothershouldlikeyou,andIwonderonceagainifLilyhasgoodreasonnotto.Somehow,downdeep,Ithinkshedoes.IthinkofKaraandLocke.Iacheforthem.Doesithavesomethingtodowiththem?Hurry,Jenna.Iheartheirvoicesliketheyarewhisperingintomyearrightnow.Idon'thaveagoodresponseforEthan.IfeellikeIshouldcry,buttherearenotears.Notevenalumpinmythroat.Itrytoshrugoffourconversationlikeitdoesn'tmatter."Ican'texplainit.

IguessI'mjustspecial."Ethanlooksatmelikeheistryingtodecidesomething.Hisbrowneyes

makeeverythinginsideofmeshift.Hefinallyflickssomedirtfromhisfingersatmeandsmiles."Nah,Jenna.You'renothingspecial."

Inaninstant,myinsidesswell,andIcan'tdoanythingbutstandtherereturninghisstare,andeventhoughIshouldbeembarrassed—Iamembarrassed—Ican'tlookawayeither.Hemovesfirst,awkwardlyreturningtohisknees,andIjoinhim,shouldertoshoulder,snipping,clearing,andscoopingaspoon-fullofdirtatatime.

Thesuniswarmonmyback.Fromtimetotime,IthinkIhearthechanting

echoesfromthechurchfloatonthebreezeallthewaydowntothegardens,butEthansaysthatisimpossible.Wearetoofaraway.ButIamsureIhearit.Ormaybetheangelictuneissimplystuckinmyhead.

IdecideIlikeshovelingdirt.Ilikethegardensoundsandthemindlessrepetition.Itislikeitisthefirsttimeinweeksthatmybraintrulyhasbeenabletorestfromtryingtoremember.Forhourswework.Ethanstandsnowandthen,stretchinghisback,rubbinghisknees,butIdon'ttire.

"You'reahorse,"hesays."Andyou"—Iwanttofindtherightword—"arenot."Notmuchofaword,

buttheemphasisseemstohavehithimnonetheless.Hemakesashowofrubbinghiskneesonelasttimeandreturnstomyside.Ismile,gladthatmyhairconcealsmyface.

Longstretchesoftimegobywherewedon'ttalkaswework.Ilistentothebirdsinthegarden,thechinkofourtrowels,thetricklingofwaterfromanearbyhose,andmostlytothevoicesinmyownhead.You'refittingin,Jenna.You'reloved,Jenna.You'renormal,Jenna.Youarealmostwhole,Jenna.Andmostly,Ibelievethem.

"Doyouknowhim?"IglancetowhereEthanislooking.Atthetopofthestairsthatleadtothe

gardens,asquatmaniswatchingus.JustasIlookup,heclicksapictureandthenwalksaway.

"No,"Ianswer."I'veneverseenhimbefore."OrmaybeIhaveandIjustdon'trememberhim?

"Probablyatourist,"Ethansays."Usuallytheyjustvisitthemission—not

waydownhere.OrmaybeFatherRicosentsomeonetocheckuponus.""Maybe,"Isay.

TriggerSlidingintoEthan'struck,Iremember.It'sthegrayleather.Ihadacar.Butnolicense.Ididn'thavealicense.MotherandFatherwouldn'tletmegetone.Whywouldtheygivemeacarbutnotletmedriveit?Irememberracingdowntheroadinmycar.Hurry,Jenna.Idid.AndKaraandLockewerewithme.

AHundredPointsIslideacrosstheseatofEthan'strucktomakeroomforAllys.Weare

pickingherupfromhercommunityprojectbeforeweheadbacktothevillagecharter.We'reoutsidetheofficesandlabsadjacenttotheDelOroUniversityMedicalCenter.Besidescomingherefortherapy,shealsovolunteersfortheDelOroEthicsTaskForce.Shegathersmaterialsforreviewandhelpsprocessthenumerouschecksandbalancesthatmonitortheirresearchactivities.

"Gruntwork,"Ethancalleditwhenhedescribedittome.Howcoulditbeanymoregruntworkthanspooningdirt?AndIrememberthewayAllysspokeofitafewdaysago.It'simportanttoher.Sheispassionate,andIthinkshewoulddoitevenifRaedidnotrequireacommunityvolunteerproject.Shehasacceptedthelossofherlimbsbutblamesanout-of-controlmedicalsystemfortheoutcome.Shethinksifsomeonehadregulatedantibioticslongago,whentheyfirstknewaboutthedangersofoveruse,sheandmillionslikeherwouldhavehadadifferentfate,andnowsheseemsdeterminedthatnonewmedicalinjusticeswillbeunleashedontheworld.

WhenhetalksaboutAllys,Ethan'svoicetakesonanedgeIhadn'theardbefore.Likehefeelsherinjustices,too.Doeshecareabouther?Howmuchdoes

hecare?Ordoeshehaveinjusticesofhisown?Iknownothingabouthim,really.Whyisheatthevillagecharter?Ethansaidtheyallhadtheirreasonsforbeingthere.Allystalkedaboutherphysicallimitations.Gabrielsaidhehadananxietydisorderandthesmallenvironmentwasmorecomfortableforhim,butEthanneverrevealedhisreasons.

"Canyoutakethese?"Allyshandsmethebracesthatstillsteadyher,andsheslidesinnexttome."Twomoreweeks,andthesewillbegone.Atleastthat'swhattheytellme."Hereyessparkle,andherwordscomeoutinacontinuousexcitedstream."Theyuploadedsomenewtechnologythatwillhelptheprostheticsanticipatemyownbalancesystem.Itwillsupposedlyreadnervesignalsfrommybrainandlearnfromthem.Theysaidtowalkasmuchaspossibletospeedupthelearningprocess.Imaginethat—I'vegotsmartlegs."SheshootsawarninglookatEthan."Don'tsayaword."

"Me?"Ethansayssweetly."Ithoughtyouwerehereforyourvolunteerproject,"Isay."That,too.Butthetherapyandtheethicsofficesareinthesamecomplex,

soIgetitalldonethesamedays.How'dyourprojectgo?""Shovelingdirt?""She'sahorse,"Ethansays,repeatinghisassessmentofme."Ilikedit,"Itellher."Itisnotexactlyamentalchallenge—well,except

maybeforEthan—butFatherRicowasverygrateful."Ethanjogsthesteeringwheeltoregistermypoint,andAllyslaughs."The

mission'sagoodcause.Theydon'thavefunds,sowithoutvolunteersthey'dneverbeabletokeepitup.Ithasalotofhistorythat'simportant.Itwasmysecondchoicerightaftertheethicsoffice."

"Whorunstheethicsoffice?Thehospital?"Iask."Areyoukidding?Thehospitalhatestheethicsoffice,butthey'dnever

admitit.You'veneverheardoftheFSEB?"Itrytoscanmypatheticexcuseofmemory.ItseemslikeIshouldknowit.

Likeitisalmostwithinmyreach."It'snotanotherbadword,ifthat'swhatyou'rethinking,"Ethansays."It'stheFederalScienceEthicsBoard,"Allyssays."Theyruntheoffice.

They'retheyeaandnayofallresearchandalotofmedicalprocedures,too.Ifyoudon'tfilealltheformsandreporteveryprocedure,theyshutyoudown.Wholehospitals.They'veactuallydoneit.Notoften,butenoughtimesthatit'sputthefearintoeverymedicalandresearchfacilityinthecountry."

"Whydotheydoit?"

"They'rethewatchdog.Therehastobesomecentralcontrol.Lookathumancloningattheturnofthecentury.Eventhoughitwasillegal,somelabfacilitieswerestilldoingitbecausethechecksandbalancesweresoweak.Andthenthere'sBioGel.ThataloneisprobablyresponsibleforCongressevenestablishingtheFSEB."

Allysisstilltalking,butitisagarbledecho.BioGel.Father'swork.IcanhearLilysayingitagain,Hemadeabigsplash."BioGel?"

"Itchangedeverything.Itmadealmostanythingpossible.""Whatdoyoumean?"Iask.Allysraiseshereyebrows."Youdohavebigblanks,don'tyou?Well,Blue

Goo—asthehospitalcallsit—is,well,blue.""Brilliant,"Ethaninterjects."And,"Allyssays,raisinghervoice,"it'sartificiallyoxygenatedandloaded

withneurochips.They'resmallerthanthehumancellandcommunicatewitheachotherprettymuchthesamewayneuronsdo,exceptfaster.Andtheylearn.Onceyou'veloadedthemwithsomebasicinformation,theypassoninformationtootherneurochipsandbegintospecialize.Andofcourse,thetrulyspectacularthingistheycancommunicatewithhumancellsinthesameway.YoupackahumanorlabliverinBioGel,andtheneurochipsdotherest—deliveroxygen,nutrients,communicatewiththecentraldatabase,untilitcanbetransplantedintosomeonewhoneedsit."

"Isn'tthatagoodthing?""Sometimes.Butjustbecausewecandoesn'tmeanweshould.That'swhat

theFSEBconsiders.""Howso?"Iask,tryingtosoundonlymildlyinterested."Well,onewayispointvalues,"shesays."Everyonegetsalifetime

maximumofonehundredpoints.Mylimbs,forinstance.Theimplanteddigitaltechnologytoworkwiththeprostheticsisverylowpointvalue.Sixteenpointsforallofthem.Butaheart:—that'sworththirty-fivealone.Throwinlungsandkidneysandyou'reatninety-fivepoints."

"Thatsoundssimplistic,"Isay."Maybe.Butfair,too.Itdoesn'tmatterhowrichorimportantyouare.

Everyone'sinthesameboat.Andmedicalresourcesandcostsarekeptundercontrol."

"Whataboutbrains?"Ethanasks."Whataretheyworth?""Brainsareprettymuchillegal.Onlybiodigitalenhancementuptoforty-

ninepercentisallowedtorestoresomelostfunctionandthat'sit."

"That'sanoddnumber,"Isay."Whyonlyforty-ninepercent?""Youhavetodrawthelinesomewhere,don'tyou?Medicalcostsarea

terribleeconomicdrainonsociety,nottomentionalltheethicsinvolved.Andbyrestrictinghowmuchcanbereplacedorenhanced,theFSEBknowsyouaremorehumanthanlabcreation.Wedon'twantalotofhalf-humanlabpetscrawlingallaroundtheworld,dowe?Ithinkthat'sthemainpointofitall."

"AndtheFSEBisalwaysright?"Ethanasks.Allyssitsupstraighter,andherwordscomefastandclipped."They'retryingtopreserveourhumanity,Ethan.Howcananyoneargue

withthat?They'reprotectingus,andIforone,thinkthatisquiteadmirable.Plus,Ihappentoknowthere'salotofveryintelligentandqualifiedpeopleinthatagency."

Ethanpullsintotheparkinglotatthecharter."AllIknowisthatalotof'intelligentandqualifiedpeople'screwedupmylifetwoyearsago."Hethrowsthegearintopark."Somuchforintelligence,huh?"ItseemsourconversationhastakenasuddenturnthatIwasn'texpecting.Ethan'svoiceisrigid,likethedayIcalledusallfreaksatthemarket.Heleavestogointothecharter,notwaitingforus.

Allysletsoutahuffofair."Hecanreallygooffsometimes.''Sherollshereyesandreachesforherbraces.Iwatchhimwalkaway,wonderingifhislifechangedjustaboutthesametimeminedid.Andlikeme,heisstillgettingoverit,thoughIdon'tknowwhattheitis,andI'mafraidtoask,butI'msureit'swhyhe'satthecharternow.

IwaitoutsideforEthantotakemehome.IhavealreadyconferencedwithRae,andnowEthan'sconferenceisgoingover.

"Hello."Danesurprisesmefrombehind.Ihaven'ttalkedtohimmuchsincethatfirst

day.He'sbeenout.Raedidn'tsaywhy,andMitchonlygroanedwhenAllysasked.

"Howarethingsgoing?"HisvoiceiswarmandeagerandIlikethesoundofit,butIalsorememberwhatEthansaidabouthim.

"Good,"Ianswer."Likeyourproject?""Yes.""Needaride?""No."Heblowsoutaheavybreath,obviouslyannoyedatmyshortresponses.He

swingsaroundinfrontofmeandgrabsmyhand."C'mon.HasEthanbeensayingbadthingsaboutme?You'renotgoingtolistentohim,areyou?"

Hishandiswarm,firmlyclaspedaroundmine.Ilookupandurnsurprisedathowcloselyhiseyesmatchthecoloroftheskybehindhim."Ihaveaproblem,"hesays."Iadmitit.I'mhonest.LikewhenIsaidyouwalkedfunny.Idon'tthinkanylessofyoubecauseyoudo,andIdidn'tmeananythingbadbyit.You'renotgoingtoholdthatagainstme,areyou?"

"No."Heloosenshisgriponmyhand,butInoticehedoesn'tletgo."Weallhave

ourproblems,andEthan'sishecan'tdealwiththetruth.Hecan'teventellthetruth.I'dstayawayfromhimifIwereyou,butIguessyou'llfigurethatoutonyourown.You'reobviouslysmart."Hesmiles,butitdoesn'tmesmerizemelikethedayIfirstsawhimathishouse.I'mchangingdaily.IcanseethingsinfacesthatIcouldn'tseejustafewdaysago.ThingsthatIthinkotherpeoplecan'tevensee.AndwhatIseeinDane'sperfectlybeautifulfacedisturbsme.Emptiness.Thewordisstronginmyhead,andyetIwonderifitcouldbethewrongone.

"Friends?"heasks.Friends.That'swhyIwantedtocometoschoolinthefirstplace.Maybe

DanehadfriendslikeIoncedid,friendswhoaregonenow,andhemissesthemthewayImissKaraandLocke.

"Friends,"IrepeatbecauseIknowitwouldberudenotto.AndbecauseIthinkmaybe.Maybe.

"ThenI'llstopbysometime,sinceIjustlivedownthestreet?"hesaysashewalksaway.

"Sure.""Thanksfortheinvite,neighbor,"hecallsoverhisshoulder.DidIinvitehim?

Contents

Emptyadj.1.Containingnothing,havingnoneoftheusualorappropriatecontents.2.Vacant,unoccupied.3.Destituteofsomequalityorqualities.

Now,adaylater,IwonderwhatfriendsmeanstoDane.Iwonderathisvoicethatissodifferentfromhiseyes.IwonderifIknowanythingatall.ButIdoknowthis:ThewordIfeltwhenIlookedintohisfacewastherightword.

HomeThehouseisempty.Saturdaysareempty,Idecide.Thereisnobanging.No

restoration.Noschool.Noanything.Motherleftearlyinthemorning.Shedidn'ttellmewhereshewasgoingbutaskedmetostaycloseby.Iwantedtosayno.ButIdidn't.

Lily'sbeenoutinhergreenhouseallmorning.Shedidn'tinvitemetojoinher.Iwouldn'twanttoanyway.I'velookedoutmybedroomwindowtwice,tryingtoseewhatsheisdoing,butmostoftheinsideofthegreenhouseisoutofview.Idon'tcarewhatsheisdoing.

Iliebackonmybedandlookattheceiling.ACotswoldceilingisfairlyuneventful.Itmatchesme.

MotherandLilydon'tknow,butFatherwasright.Mymemoryiscomingback.

Itiscurioushowitcomes.Eachday,arushofpieces,looselyconnected,unimportantbits,snakethroughme.Theyclick,click,clickintomybrain,likelinksbeingsnappedtogether.Andthentheyaredone.Asmallchainofmemoriesthatfillinonetinypartofmylife.Theycomeoutofnowhere,andmostarenotimportant.

Iremembershoppingforsocks,feelingthesocks,payingforthesocks,lookingatthereceiptforthesocks.Everydetailofasock-shoppingoutingthathappenedfiveyearsago.Whocaresaboutsocks?

Butthenothers...thosecomeoutofnowhere,too.Lastnightinthehallway,Iwasdizzywiththerushofthismemory.Ihadtoleanagainstthewallinthedarkandclosemyeyes.Itwassoclear.Iwassobbing.ScreamingforMother.Isawhercrying.Atear,briefly,beforeshewalkedaway.Icriedforhertocomeback.Itriedtoreachoutforher,butFatherheldmeback.No.Heheldme.Iwasatoddler.Maybeeighteenmonthsold.

Iworeabrightredcoat;Father,ablackone.Hekissedmycheek.Wipedmytears.Promisedshewouldreturn.Ikickedmyfeet.Heheldmetighter.Irememberitlikeitwasyesterday.HowcanIrememberthis?

IfIhavetorememberalifetimeofmemories,bitsatatime,willittakeme

anotherwholelifetimetoreclaimthemall?Oronedaywilltheyallconnectupandexplodeinsideofme?

Ipeekoutmywindowagain.NosignofLily.Thefloorcreaksbeneathmyfeet.Iwalktotheotherupstairsrooms.Theyareallstillempty.WillClaireeverfillthem?Butwithwhat?Withonlyme?Igodownstairs.Ihaveneverreallyproperlyexploredthedownstairsrooms.OtherthanahurriedrushtoClaire'sbathroomwhenIcutmyknee,Ihaveneverspentanytimeintheroomsbeyondthehallway.ItonlyjustnowstrikesmeasoddthatIhavebeenlikeahouseguest,confiningmyselftomyroomandthesharedroomsonly,neverfeelingfreetoroamtherestofthehouse.Staycloseby,Jenna.Iam.

Igotothefirstdoorwayontherightinthedownstairshallway.Lily'sroom,Ithink.Ipushopenthedoor,butit'sanoffice.Claire'soffice,bythelooksoftheblueprints,fabricsamples,anddesignbooks.Itisclutteredanddisorganized.NotwhatIwouldexpectofClaire.

Imovetothenextdoorwayontheright.Iturntheknob.Thehingessqueal,startlingme.Motherhasstillnotupdatedthehardwareandkeysofthehouse.MaybeshethinksitmakestheCotswoldmoreauthentic,butitmakesmovingaboutunnoticedmuchmoreofachallenge.Ifindalargeroom,simplyfurnished.Yes,Lily'sroom.Apairofhershoessitsneatlyinthecorner.Onthebureauisascatteringofframedpictures.Claire.MygrandfatherandLily.Andanotheroneofalittlegirlinapinkpartydressandblackshinyshoes.AlittlegirlwhoholdsLily'shand.ThelittlegirlLilyloved.Iwalkoverandlayitfacedown.Sowhatifsheknows.Whatcanshedo?Hateme?IfeelempoweredandIkickhershoesoutofalignment,andI'mamazedthatsuchasmallactioncouldfeelsogood.EnoughofLily'sroomforoneday.

Thenextdoorontheleftsideofthehallwayislocked.ImoveontoClaire'sroom.Themastersuiteislarge.Adjoiningthebedroomisasittingareafurnishedwithtwooverstuffedchairsandasmalllibrary.Anarcheddoorwayontheothersideofthebedroomleadstoadressingarea,closets,andabathroom.Theclosetsformthesameoddtunnelingarrangementasminedoes.Multipleclosetsfordifferentneeds.Overkill.Thelargestclosethasanotherdooratthebackofitthatleadstowardthecenterofthehouse,soIknowitwouldbeawindowlessroom.Iputmyeartothedoorandhearsomething.Afainthum.Ijigglethelever,butitisfirmlylocked.

Themattress.Mattress.Mattress.IwalktoClaire'sbed,throwbackthebottomcornerofthespread,andslidemyhandbeneaththemattress.Ipulloutmyhandandtryanothercorner.Itisthere.Akey.Igrabitandstand.ForonceI

remembersomethingaboutClairethatisuseful."Whatareyoudoing?"Islipmyhandintomypocket."Nothing.""Lookslikesomethingtome."Ilookattheruffledcorners."IwasjuststraighteningClaire'sbed.Sheleftit

unmade.There'snothingelsetodoaroundhere.''Lilylooksintomyeyes,likeshe'ssearchingforsomething.Ifingerthekey

inmypocket,andshewatchesbutdoesn'tsayanythingexcept,"There'ssomeoneoutsidelookingforyou."

IfindEthanonthefrontwalkway.Heshiftsawkwardlyandthensmiles.He

almostlookslikeheisinpain."Hello,"hesays."Hello."Ilookathimandwait,wonderingwhatIamsupposedtodo."Oh!"Hereachesintohisjeanspocketandhisstrainedsmilevanishes."I

foundthesekeysinmytruck.Ithoughttheymightbeyours?"Heholdsoutaringwithtwocardkeysdanglingfromit.

"No.Notmine.""Oh."Hedoesn'tmove."Maybethey'reAllys's,"Ioffer."Maybe."Heshovesthekeysbackintohispocket,andthepainfulsmilereturns."I'll

seeyouonMonday,then?""Yoursmileissofake,"Isay."Youneedmorepractice."Hisbrowscometogether,andhesnortslikeheisoffended."Andofcourse

you'retheexpertonsmiles.Anythingyoudon'tknow?""Notmuch."Ismile.Largeandsustained.Heshakeshisheadandlookssidewaysatme."Youwin.Ican'tbeatthat."Iaskhimifhe'dlikeatour,andhesaysyes,hehasnothingbettertodo.

Nothingbetter?Yes,definitelyMr.Personality.Heseemsinterestedinthenewwalkwaytheworkershavelaidandalsointhedismantlingandrebuildingofourchimney.Whenwewalkaroundtotheback,IseethatLilyhasreturnedtohergreenhouse.Ifeelthekeyinmypocket.Icouldaskhimtoleave.Thismightbemyonlychancetobealoneinthehouseforalongwhile.ButIdon'twanthimtoleaveeither.ThekeyorEthan.IchooseEthanfornow.

Wewalktotheedgeofthepondandheadmiresit."Nottoomanypeoplehaveapondintheirbackyard."

Ihadn'tthoughtaboutit.Wesurelydidn'thaveapondinBoston.Ethanand

Isitdownoppositeeachotheronaflatgraniterockneartheedge,andIappreciatethepond'sbeautyforthefirsttime,seeingitthroughEthan'seyes.Clustersofreedsshootuplikespikedanchorsaroundtheperimeter.OnMr.Bender'sside,somecoothensswiminandoutofviewbetween-thecattails."Ihearfrogsatnight,"Itellhim."EveninFebruary.Lilythinksit'sstrange."

"Notsostrangeforhere,"hesays."Areyoufromhere?"Hehesitates,looksatmelikeIhavejustaskedhimtogivemeapintof

bloodratherthanaskedhimasimplequestion.Hisanswerisjustasodd."Yeah."Itisnottheword,butthewayitissaid.Drawnoutwithaslightnodanda

sigh.Irecognizeit.Fromsomewhere.MaybeIsawitonJenna'sfaceorhearditinhervoiceononeofthevideodiscs.Asimplewordthatsaidmorethanwasintended.Resignation.Enough.Stop.Whatdoyouwantfromme?Yeah.ThingsIthinkMotherneverwantedmetoseeonthosediscs.ThingsthatIthinkeventheoldJennaneversaw.

"Hereisaproblemforyou,"Isay."That'swhyIgotothecharter,"heanswers."Alotofpeoplearoundhere

knowme.It'seasierthere.""Becauseyoucanhide?""Youputthingstogetherfast.""No.Notreally.Yousaideveryonehasareasonforbeingatthecharter.I

wasjustwaitingtohearyours."Heleansforward,hisarmsrestingonhisknees."Ispentayearinthestate

juvenilefacility.Ibeatsomeoneup.WhenIgotoutIcouldn'tgobacktotheacademy,soIwenttothecharter."

"Youdon'tlookthetype,"Isay."Thetypewhowouldbeatsomeoneupuntilhe'smoredeadthanalive?"He

lookspastme,hiseyesunfocused.Icanheartheknotinhisthroatpullingtight."Youjustneverknow."

Ileanforward,myarmsonmykneessoourpositionsaremirrorimagesofeachother.Youneverknow.Ethanknowsmoreabouthimselfthanheeverwantedtoknow,andIknowlessthanIshould.Itseemswrongthathisdarkpastshouldelevatemyownblankone.Hiseyesaredark,full,asfullasDane'sareempty.IcomeforwardsoIamonmyknees.SoclosetohisfaceIshouldbeembarrassed,butI'mnot.

"Aren'tyougoingtoaskwhy?"hesays.

Iclosethespacebetweenus.Mylipsonhis,wonderingiftheoldJennaknewhowtokissandifthenewoneremembers,butjudgingbythewayhislipsfeelagainstmine,theanswertobothofmyquestionsisyes.Ifinallypullback.

"Sorry,"Isay."Ishouldhaveasked."Hepullsmyfacebacktohisandkissesmeagain,bothofhishandssoft

againstmycheeks.Ourkissesgrowheated,andeverythingthatiscuriousandoddandfunny

andwrongaboutmedisappearsandIamnolongerthinkingaboutme,buteverythingaboutEthan,becausethewarmthofEthan,thescentofEthan,thetouchofEthan,isallaboutwhoIamnow,andonlywhenhepushesmeawaybecauseLilyisyellinginthedistanceformetocomebacktothehousedoIwanttoanswerhisquestion.

"Ialreadyknowwhy.Becausesometimesthereisjustnochoice."

ChoiceIneededitlikeIneededair.Butnoonecouldhearme.Noonecouldlisten.Nowords.Nosound.Novoice.Icouldn'tevendreammyselfaway.Choicesweremade.Noneofthemmine.AtfirstIwonderedifitwashell.AndthenIknewitwas.

Message

Islamthekitchendrawer."It'snotnecessarytoslamit.Ialreadygotthemessagethatyou'reangry."Ipullthedraweroutandslamitagain.Idoitfourmoretimes."No!NowI

thinkyougotthemessage!""Itistimeforyournutrients.""Likeyouevercaredaboutthatbefore!"Ipullthebottleofnutrientsfrom

therefrigeratorandpourthemeasuredamountintoaglass.WhenIputthe

nutrientbottlebackintherefrigerator,Igrabacontainerofmustard.Isqueezehalfofitscontentsontopofmyprescribedbeigebrew.IglareatLily,daringhertostopme,andIswigitalldown."There!Done!"Islamtheglassdownonthecounter,halfexpectingittobreak.

"Youshouldn'thavedonethat.Itmightnot...godownwell."Shesighslikesheistired,andthatmakesmeangrier.

"Whycouldn'tyoujustbuttoutlikeyoualwaysdo?""It'snotright,Jenna.""Sayswho?""Sayseverythingintheuniverse.""Ithinkhewasenjoyingit.""Fornow,maybe."Iwanttocry.Iwanttosobloudly.Iwanttobeatsomething.Anything.I

wanttopoundonherchestandsay,Pleaseloveme.IwantthatminutebackwhenIwaskissingEthanandnowwasalltherewas.Iwantsomeoneintheworldtoanswerwhy.

Whyme?AndsuddenlyIfeelweak,likeeveryquestioninmyheadhascollided

againstanotherandwon'tletmethink.Nowistheonlywordthatcomesout,andIknowitmakesnosense,butIsayitagain."Now."

Lily'sfacewrinklesforamomentandthenIseeherhandsstiffen,andthestiffnesstravelsallthewaytohermouth.ShestandstherestaringatmelikeIhavejustrecitedaspeechinsteadofonesimpleword."It'sbetterthisway,"shefinallysays."ForEthanandforyou."Sheleaves,andIhearherwalkdownthehallwaytoherroomandclosethedoor,andIwonderifshewillevennoticethedown-turnedpictureorherout-of-placeshoes.

MustardandKissesItisonlyhalfpasttwelve,andIamalreadybackinmyroom.Myinsides

areshivery.I'mnotsureifitisthehalfbottleofmustardIjustswallowedorthinkingaboutEthankissingme.

Idon'tcareifthemustardgoesdownwellornot.ItwasworthwatchingLilystandtherehelplessly.Sheknewshecouldn'tstopme,andthelittleclickofpowerthatranthroughmedidgodownwell.

Iscanmyempty,no-personalityroom,andmygazestopsatmyNetbook.I

shouldwatchanotheryearofJenna.OrlearnmoreaboutmyneighborsthewayMr.Benderdoes.IfeellikeIshouldbedoingsomethingelse.Hurry,Jenna.ButinsteadIsitatmydeskandlaymyheaddown,wishingIcouldsleepandwakeupanewme.

Sleepdoesn'tcome.Neitherdoesanewme.Istareatmyawkwardmonsterfingersandfeelmyclumsyfunnyfeetslidingbackandforthonthefloorbeneathme,listeningtothecreaksandticksofthehouse,andtheheavesandsighsofrestoration.

JennaFox/YearSixteenIplacethelastrecordeddiscofJenna'slifeintotheNetbook.Whatisthere

lefttolearn?Ihavemoreholesthansubstance,butI'vepiecedtogetheragirlwiththescatterofmemoriesthathavecomebacktome,andaliferecordedbeyondreason.Iwastreasured.Adored.Smotheredwithhopes.Iwaseverythingthreebabiescouldhavebeen.IdancedashardasIcould.Studiedashard.Playedashard.Practicedashard.IpushedtobeeverythingtheydreamedIcouldbe.

Butwithallthescenes,thebirthdays,thelessons,thepractices,theordinaryeventsthatshouldhavebeenleftalone,whatIremembermostareJenna'seyes,flickering,hesitation,anurgenttrying.That'swhatIremembermostfromthediscs,adesperationtostayonthepedestal.IseethatinhereyesasmuchasIseetheircolor.Andnow,inthepassingofjustafewweeks,IseethingsinfacesIdidn'tseebefore.IseeJenna,smiling,laughing,chattering.Andfalling.Whenyouareperfect,isthereanywhereelsetogo?Iacheforherlikesheissomeoneelse.Sheis.IamnottheperfectJennaFoxanymore.

Likeallthepreviousdiscs,thisonebeginswithherbirthdayparty,alavishprivateaffairsomewhereinScotland.Mother,Father,andIallwearkilts,and"HappyBirthday"isplayedbyalegionofbagpipers.Thediscmovesontoaschooloutingonaschooner.Iscanthefaces,lookingforKaraorLocke.Afewfacesarefamiliar,schoolmatesIremember,butnotmyfriends,notthefacesofmydreams.Wherearethey?Jenna'shairwhipsacrosshercheeks.Sheglancesatthecameraandforamomentbecomesrigid,forcefullytiltingherheadsideways,silentlypleadingforspace.Insteadthecamerazoomsin.Icanalmostseehercave.Surrender.Andthensuddenlysheruns.Weavingherselfthroughthecrowdsofclassmates.Away.Andthecamerashutsoff.

Anotherscenebegins.Jennainpinktights,herhairpulledintoaglitteredbun.

"Givemeatwirl,Jenna,"Fathercalls.Clairecomesintotheroom."Goteverything?Shoes?Costume?""Yes,"Jennasays."Whataboutthatmakeup?"Claireasks."Alittleoverdone,don'tyou

think?"Jenna'seyesareheavywitheyeliner,darksmearsthatdon'tmatchherbaby-

pinktights."Whatdifferencedoesitmake?""Itmightnotpleaseyourballetteacher.""Idon'tcareifIpleaseher.Itoldyou,thisismylastperformance."Clairesmiles."Ofcourseit'snotyourlast.Youlovetodance,Jenna."JennagrabsClairebybothshouldersandlooksdownather."Lookatme,

Mother.I'mfive-nineandstillgrowing.I'mnotprimaballerinamaterial.""Buttherearecompanies—"Jennathrowsherhandsup."Whydon'tyoubeaballerina!You'refivefoot

seven,theperfectheight!Goforit,Claire."IseeMother'sfacechange.Thehurt.Ialmosthavetolookaway.WasthatthefirsttimeIcalledherClaire?

"Ladies,"Fathersays.Andthecamerashutsoff.That'sit.Thelastrecordingofpre-comaJennaFox.Asmallargumentwithvoicesbarelyraised.WhywouldLilysuggestthatthiswasthemostimportantdisctowatch?Whatwasherpoint?Thelastdiscisanonevent.Anticlimactic.WhydidIthinkitwouldbesomethingbig?Ormaybeshewasjusttryingtosavemehoursofboredom?Cuttotheend?SeewhatadickheadIwasandgetonwithit.Moveon.Maybethat'sthesomethingIfeel.ThesomethingIshouldbedoing.Movingon.

I'vehurtClaire.Iknowthat.IremembertryingtotellherhowsorryIwas.Whenmywholeworldwasfrozenandsorrycouldn'tgetpastmylips.Sorryforwhat?Theaccident?AlltheharshwaysItreatedher?SorryforcallingherClairewhensheonlywantedtobecalledMom?Maybethat'swhyLilywon'thavemuchtodowithme,becauseofeverythingI'veputClairethrough.Moveon.ThesomethingIshouldbedoing.

DeepClairewalksthroughthefrontdoorjustasIreachthelaststair.Herarmsare

loadedwithringsoffabricswatchesandcatalogs.

"Needsomehelp...Mom?"Sheistransformed.Onesimplewordhaswipedfiveyearsfromherface.I

alwaysthoughtitwasClairewhoheldallthepower.Iwaswrong.IamtakenwithhowbeautifulsheisandfeelshamethatIhavewithhelda

treasuredwordforsolong.Shesetsherarmfuldownonthehalltable."Icangetit...Jenna."Hervoiceissoft,mynamesoundinglikeaquestionmark.

Istepdownfromthelaststair.Westare,oureyesonanevenplane,likeweareholdingsomethingcarefullybetweenus.Something.SuddenlyIfeeldizzy,likeI'mstumbling.Isthiswhatmovingonfeelslike?Ibackaway.Ican'tdothis.Somethingisnotright.ButIoweher.IknowIoweher.Myhandsshake.Myvisionflashes.Itrytosteadymyself.Ishovemyhandsintomyjeans.Thekey.Itisstillthere.Itishotagainstmyfingers.

"Doyoumindthen,ifIgoforawalk?I'vebeeninsideallday."Shehesitates,thennods."Butdon'tgofar,"shesaysasshewalkstothe

kitchen.Whensheisoutofsight,Iopenthefrontdoor,thencloseitagain,loudly,so

shewillthinkthatIleft.IconcentrateonmyfeettryingtostepaslightlyasIcan,andIcreepdownthehallwaytoherroom.Iwillputthekeybackbeforeshemissesit.

Ibegintofoldbackthespreadfromthecornerofthemattress,butathoughtstopsme.Hurry,Jenna.

Theremightbetime.IfIhurry.Iturntowardtheclosetandlistenforsoundscomingdownthehallway.None.Ipullthekeyfrommypocket.Itslidesintothelockwithasoftrasp,andI

hearthetumblerturn.Ieasethedooropenslowly,willingtheoldhingesnottosqueak.Theroomiscold,dark,barelyilluminatedwithafaintgreenglow.Ifeelforaswitchbutcan'tfindone.Myeyesadjustquicklytothedimlight,andIseethesourceofthehum.Computers.Threeofthem.Theysitonanarrowtableinthesmalldarkroom.Theyareoddlyshaped,eachasix-inchsquareblock,muchlargerthanahomecomputer,andeachisconnectedtoitsownbatterydock.Whynotjustrunthemoffhousepower?IstepcloserandIseeasmallwhitelabelonthemiddleone.

JENNAANGELINEFOX.Irubmyhandacrossthelabel,soakingthenameinthroughmyskin.Jenna

AngelineFox.Ishouldhaveaskedlongago.Itmakesmefeelwhole.A

beginning,anend,andamiddle.Whyisitthattheunknownisalwayssofrightening?Angeline.Iclosemyeyesinthedarknessandwhisperthename.Ifeelmyfeetonthefloor,myplaceintheworld.Ibelonghere.Ideservetobehere.Howcanamiddlenamedoallthat?Arethedetailsofourliveswhoweare,orisitowningthosedetailsthatmakesthedifference?

Iopenmyeyesandexaminemycomputer.Iwonderwhat'sonit.Schoolwork?Letterstofriends?Ifeelasurge,likeajoltofenergyhasshotthroughme.History.Myhistory.Itshouldbeinmyroom.Itrytoliftitfromthetable,butitissecuredwithametalbracket.Iworktopullitloose.Onerivetpopsout,butthereststaysecure.Ipoundatthebracketwiththeheelofmyhand,throwingthefullforceofmyweightbehindit,butmyhandslipsandslicesintothesharpedge.PainripsupmyhandandIfallback,butjustasquicklythepainisgone.Ihugmyhandtomystomach,afraidtolook.Iknowtheslashisdeep.IfMotherhadameltdownoverthetinycutonmyknee,Ican'timaginewhatshewilldowhensheseesthisone.

Atrickleofbloodoozesthroughmyfingers.Iwillhavetoretrievemycomputerlater.Istepoutofthecloset,lockit,andhurrytomyroom,tryingtoslipsilentlyupstairs.Igotomybathroomandlockthedoorbehindme.

Howbadcoulditbe?Itwasonlyalittlepieceofmetal.Iholdmyhandoverthesinktosparethefloor,butthankfullythebloodhasalreadystoppedflowing.Athree-inchgashrunsfromthefleshypartofmythumbtomywrist.Iamsurprisedthatitnolongerhurts.WillIneedstitches?Ipullthefleshaparttoseehowdeepthewoundgoes.

Itisdeep.What.How.Oh,myGod.Ican't.Think.Deep.

BlueThestairsrock.Sway.Iclutchmygashedhandtomystomach.Theothergropesatthestairrail.Onlyasmallsmearofbloodstainsmyshirt.Solittle.Anditisbarelyred.

Isitredatall?Myfeetstumbleonthestairs,andIfalldownthreeatatime.

"Jenna?"Adistantcallfromthekitchen.Morestairs.Andnopain.Myhanddoesn'thurt.Thehallwayrocksandthedoorwaysways.MotherandLilyareframedin

lightatthekitchentable.Theystoptheirconversation.Stareatme.Motherfocusesonmyshirt.The

bloodstain.Shebeginstorise,butasinglewordfrommestopsher."When?""Jenna—""Whenwereyougoingtotellme!"Iyell.Ishovemyhandoutinfrontof

me."Whatisthis?"Mother'shandcomestoherchin,halfcoveringhermouth."Jenna,letme

explain—"Lilyrises."Youshouldsitdown,"shesays.Shestepsbehindherownchair

andoffersit.IsitdownbecauseIdon'tknowwhatelsetodo.IlookupatClaire."What's

wrongwithmyhand?"Ilayitonthetableandspreadthegashapartwithmyfingers.Theskinliesonathicklayerofblue.Bluegel.Beneaththatisthesilverywhiteglimmerofsyntheticboneandligaments.Plastic?Metalcomposite?Motherlooksaway.

"Whathappened?"Iask.Myvoiceisawhisper."Itwastheaccident,"shesays.Theaccident."Wasitcutoff?"Motherreachesout.Shelaysbothofherhandsonmyarm."Jenna,darling.""Tellme.""Itwasburned.Terriblyburned."Ilookatmyotherhandrestingonthetablenexttothegashedone.My

otherperfecthand.Theperfecthandthatwon'tlaceright.Themonsterhand.IlookatMother.Shelookslikesheiscrumblinginward,cavinglikeaterribleweightispressingonher."Whatabout...thisone?"Iask,raisingmyotherhand.

Shenods.Oh,myGod.Ilookdown,theworlddisappearingbeyondthecircleofmy

lap.Iamsuddenlysocold.Myskinthathasneverfeltrightinstantlyfeelsforeign.IhearLilymovetotheothersideofthetable.Thescrapingofachair.Thesighasshesits.Itallpoundsinmyears.Myhandstwitch.Ilookatthem.CanIevencallthemmyhands?

IturntoMother."Isthereanythingelse?"Thetearsflow.Herfaceisdesperate."Jenna,whatdifferencedoesitmake?

You'restillmydaughter.That'sallthatmatters—"Myclumsyfeet.Mylegs.Oh,Godno."Standup,"Isay.Irisetomyfeet.Motherlooksatmeconfused."Stand

up!"Iyell.Shestands,inchesfromme.Welookeyetoeye.Wearetheexactsameheight."Howtallareyou,Mother?"Iwhispereachworddistinctly,likeastringofknotsinaropeIamclingingto.

"Jenna?"Shedoesn'tunderstand.Shedoesn'tknowwhatI'veseen.InthelastvideothatLilytoldmetowatchwhereIblurtoutmyheight.Feartwistsherface.Shedoesn'tanswer.

"Howtallareyou?"Idemand."Five-seven."Icollapsebackintomychair,shakingmyhead.Motherismumbling,

rambling,sayingsomethingthatisallnoiseforme.Ifinallyforcemyselftolookather."Tellmeeverything."

"What?"shesays,pretendingshedoesn'tunderstandwhatI'masking.Shedoes.Iseeitinhereyes,afranticbackstep,hopingallthiswillgoaway.

"Howmuchisme?"Herliptrembles.Hereyespool.Lilyintervenes."Tenpercent.Tenpercentofyourbrain.That'sallthey

couldsave.Theyshouldhaveletyoudie."Itrytounderstandwhatsheissaying.Iwatchhermouthmove.Ihear

words.Tenpercent.Tenpercent.AndthenMotherissuddenlyfierce.Alion.Withininchesofmyface."But

itisthemostimportanttenpercent.Doyouhearme?Themostimportant."

PinnedIlieinmybed.Istareattheceiling.Clairepaces.Leaves.Comesback.

Pleads.Informs.IlistenbutIdon'trespond.Lilycomesin,too.Watches.WhisperstoClaire.Stepsclosertome.Leaves.Andcomesback.

Theydon'tknowwhattodowithme.Fatheriscoming.Clairecalledhim.Hoursago.Itisnowthemiddleofthenight.TwoA.M.Hewillexplainitall,Clairesays.Whenhegetshere.Hewillmakemeunderstand.Andyetshesitsontheedgeofmybedandtriestoexplainherself.

"Youwereburnedsobadly,Jenna.Wetriedeverything.Evenwithallthe

temporarygrafts,youwerelosingsomuchfluid.Wehadyoustabilizedforafewdays.Iwassohopeful.Butthentheinfectionssetinandwewerelosingyoufast.Theantibioticsweren'tworking.Therewasn'ttimeforalotofdecisions.Yourfatherpulledmeintoacloset,Jenna.Acloset!That'swherewehadtodecide.Hewhisperedtometheonlypossiblewayofsavingyou.Wehadtomakeachoice—saveyoutheonlywayweknewhoworletyoudie.Anyparentintheworldwouldhavemadethechoicewedid."Herhandskneadthesideofmybed.Shestands.Circlesmyroom.Returnstotheendofmybed.

"Wehadyoumoved.Immediately.Toaprivatefacility.Aprivateroom.Allphysiciansonyourcaseweredismissed,exceptfortheoneswhoworkedwithyourfatheratFoxBio-Systems.Theinfectionwasmovingsorapidlythroughyou.Yourfatheractuallyinjectedyouwiththenanobotswhileyouwereinanambulanceenroutetothenewfacility.Theyhadtostartthebrainscanrightaway."

"Why?"Shestandsagain.Herfaceisalert.Careful.Bright.SheisencouragedthatI

spoke.Sheshouldn'tbe."Yourveinswerecollapsing.Weweren'tsurehowmuchlongeryourheart

couldlast.Bloodcirculationiscriticalforagoodscan.Theytakeatleastsixminutes.Vitalorganswerealreadyshuttingdown.Bythetimetheygotyoutosurgery,yourhearthadstoppedtwice.TheyhadtheBioGelwaiting.Theysavedasmuchaswasstillviable."

Shecomesclose.White.Shefallstoherkneesbesidemybedandtakesmygashedhandinhers.Sheholdsitlikeitiskeepingherfromdissolvingaway."Thebutterfly,Jenna.That'swhattheycallit.Theheartofthebrain.Thatyoustillhave."

Andtherest.Mymemories?Myhistory?Thosearen'tallinthebutterfly.Whatistherest?HowamIrememberingsomanythings?Nearlyeverythingnow.Excepttheaccident.

Iclosemyeyes.Iwanthertogoaway.Idon'twanttotalkaboutbutterfliesorhearts.Idon'tevenwantanswers.Idon'twanther.Ifeelhercheekagainstmyhand.Herbreath.Herneed.Andthensheslowlyletsgoandleaves.

Iopenmyeyesagain.Myroomisdark.Thesilenceofthehouseisaheavyblanket.Itpinsmetomybed.

WhiteTherewasamomentinthedarknesswhenthefearlifted.Amomentwherewhitesurroundedme.Hope.Lily,andsomeoneelse,andasprinklingofwater."Holywater,Jenna.""Youcanletgoifyouneedto.""Forgiveness,Jenna."ButIcouldn'tletgo.Itwasn'tinmypower.Iwasalreadyswirling,flying,falling.TosomeplacedeepIdidn'tunderstand.Whereallthesoundsbutmyownvoicedisappeared.Onlyme.Forsolong.Idon'twanttobealoneanymore.

Father

Ihearacreak.MyclockreadsthreeA.M.Fatherstandsinmydoorway,thesoftyellowlightfromthehallwayilluminatinghisface.Ashadowofstubbleisonhischeeks.Hishairisuncombed.Hiseyesarehollow.HelookslikehecouldhaverunhereallthewayfromBoston.

"Angel,"hewhispers."I'mawake,"Isay.Hecomesinandsitsontheedgeofmybed."I'msorry,"hesays."Ididn't

wantyoutofindoutthisway.""Myhandsareartificial,"Itellhim."Mylegs,too."Henods.Isitupandleanagainsttheheadboardofmybed.Iliftmyhandsinfrontof

meandstareatthem."Ilovedmyhands.Mylegs."Isayitmoretomyselfthantohim."Ihadneverthoughtaboutitbefore.Theywerejustthere.AndnowIcanseethatthese"—Iturnthem,lookingatthepalms—"thesearedifferent.They'renotmine.They'reimposters."Iwaitforhimtodenyit,toerasethelasttwelvehourswithjustafewwords.Iwatchhisface.EveninmyshadowedbedroomIcanseehowtiredheis.Icanseetheredrimsofhiseyes."They'renearly

identicaltotheoriginal,"hesays."Allofyourballetrecitalvideosallowedustodigitallymeasureeverycentimeterofyou."

"Hurrayforvideos,huh?"Hehearsthesarcasminmyvoiceandcloseshiseyesmomentarily.Iache.

Maybeforhispain.ForClaire's.Butmostlyformine.Myloss.Ican'tcareabouttheirs.Notnow.HowdidIgettothispoint?HowcanIgoback?

Hetakesmyhandinhisandexaminesthegash."It'snotevenrealskin,isit?"Isay."Yes.It'sreal.Someofitisevenyours.""How?""It'slabskin.Growninthelabandgeneticallyengineeredtobenourished

throughtheBioGel.Ittookmonthstogetalltheskintypesweneeded.Wecouldonlyharvestasmallportionofyoursbecauseoftheburnsandinfection.Butstill,wedidgetsome."Hisvoiceisstronger,lesstired.Heismoreconfidentasadoctorthanasmyfather.

"Whatdoyoumean,engineered?""Wehadtomakesomechangessonutrientsandoxygencouldbedelivered

inamodifiedway.""Soit'snothumanskin.""Itishuman.Completelyhuman.We'vebeengeneticallyalteringplantsand

animalsforyears.It'snothingnew.Tomatoes,forinstance.Weengineerthemtowithstandcertainpestsortogivethemalongershelflife,butitisstillonehundredpercentatomato."

"Iamnotatomato."Helooksatmesharply."No.You'renot.You'remydaughter.Youhaveto

know,Jenna,Iwoulddoanythingtosaveyou.You'remychild.AndIwanttobehonestwithyou.Solet'scutthecrap.Labskinisyesterday'snews.Youwanttoknowmorethanthat.Let'smoveon."

IalwayslovedthataboutFather.Hewasdirect.ClaireandIcoulddancearoundasubjectfordaysandweeks.ButnotFatherandme.Maybebecausehewasaroundless.Hedidn'thavetimetodally.RightnowIwanttodance.IfeellikeIcoulddanceforever.

"Jenna,"hesays,nudgingme."Skin,bone,that'sonething,"Isay."ButLilysaysyouonlysavedten

percentofmybrain.True?""True.""ThenwhatamI?"

Hedoesn'thesitate."You'reJennaAngelineFox.Aseventeen-year-oldgirlwhowasinaterribleaccidentandnearlydied.Youweresavedthewaysomanyaccidentvictimsaresaved,throughmedicaltechnology.Yourbodywasinjuredbeyondsaving.Wehadtopatchtogetheranewone.Yourskeletalstructurewasreplicated.Youhaveallthebonestructureofanormalteenagegirl.MuscleareasaretakenupwithadditionalmodifiedBioGel.Mostmovementisaccomplishedthroughdigitalsignalswithinthebonestructure.Someisaccomplishedthroughthetraditionalmethodofcabledligaments.Yourskinwasreplaced.Yourbrain,thetenpercentwesaved,wasinfusedwithadditionalBioGel.Butobviouslytenpercentisnotenoughforfullfunction,sowescannedyourwholebrainanduploadedtheinformationforsafekeepinguntilwehadtherestoftheelementsinplace—"

"Uploaded?Youuploadedmybrain?""Theinformation.Everybitofinformationthatwaseverinyourbrain.But

theinformationisnotthemind,Jenna.ThatWe'veneveraccomplishedbefore.Whatwe'vedonewithyouis-groundbreaking.Wecrackedthecode.Themindisanenergythatthebrainproduces.Thinkofaglassballtwirlingonyourfingertip.Ifitfalls,itshattersintoamillionpieces.Allthepartsofaballarestillthere,butitwillnevertwirlwiththatforceonyourfingertipagain.Thebrainisthesameway.Illegalbrainscanshavebeengoingonforyears.Nanobotsthesizeofbloodcellsareinjected,sometimesevenwithoutaperson'sknowledgesinceit'sallwirelesstransfer.Bitsofinformationareextracted.Butthemind,themindcouldneverbetransferred.It'sanentirelydifferentthingfrombitsofinformation.Wefoundthatit'slikeaspinningglassball.Youhavetokeepitspinningoritfallsandshatters.Soweuploadthosebitsofinformationintoanenvironmentthatallowsthatenergytokeepspinning,sotospeak."

"Tokeepthinking."Henods.Thatenvironmentwasmyhell.MyblackvoidIdidn'tunderstand.My

endlessvacuumwhereIsuffocated,screamed,cried,butnoonecametohelpme.

Myownfatherputmethere.Ilaymyfaceinmyhands.Thehandsthatarenotreallymine.Isuckina

raggedbreath.DoIevenhavelungs,oristhisjustarememberedaction?Ishudder,repulsedateverythingthatImayormaynotbe,wantingtoescapebuttrappedagain.Bywhat?Myself?Idon'tknowwhoorwhatIamanymore.

IfeelFather'sarmsaroundme.Hisstubblescratchingmycheek.

Whisperinginmyear,"Jenna.Jenna.Itwillbeallright.Ipromise."Heismyfatheragain,notthedoctor.Theconfidenceisgone.Ihearthefearinhisvoice.Heisnotsurethingswillbeallright.

Ipushhimaway."Ineedtoknow.Everything.""Youwill.Buteventhattenpercentneedsrest.Let'sbothgetsomesleep.

We'lltalkmoreinthemorning."Iamtired.Drained.InodandIliebackonmypillow.Justbeforehereachesthedoor,Istophim."Isittrue?""True?""Istherereallyamostimportanttenpercent?""Yes,"hesays."Itrulybelievethereis."

DayOne/NewJennaFatherstaplesmyskintogether.Ifeelaquickpinch."It'sdeeperthanIthoughtitwaslastnight,"Fathersays."Howdidyoudo

this?""IthappenedwhenI—"Careful,Jenna.Theyhidyourcomputerfromyou."IthappenedwhenIwentforawalk.Istumbledandcamedownona

rock.""Arockdidthis?""Ithadasharpedgetoit.""Oh."Iamnotsurehebelievesme,butthenagain,Iamnotsurehowmuch

tobelieveofwhathesayseither.Iguessthatmakesuseven.Heswabsthenow-stapledcutwithgelandbeginswrappingitwithgauze.Wesitatthekitchentable,Claire,too.Sheisstillintheclothesshehadonyesterday,rum-plednow.Herusuallyneathairisuncombed.Sheistired,herfacelookingnumb,likeshehasnoenergytoexpressanything,butstillIcantellsheisrestrainingherselffromtalking;sheislettingFatherdomostofit.Heholdsnothingback,andIseeClairewinceatsomeoftheinformation.

"IfIonlyhavetenpercentofmyoriginalbrain,whatistherest?""It'snotexactlycorrectthatyoudon'thaveyourbrain.Youdo.Youjust

don'thavethesamematerialitwashousedin.Nowit'sintheBioGel.""ThenexplainBioGel."Iaskmyquestionsflatly.Notcommittingto

emotion.Notangry.Notsad.Notcommittingtoacceptanceorforgiveness.Ican'tgivethemthat.

"BioGelisanartificialneuralnetworkbuiltonabiologicalmodel.It'sacondensed,oxygenatedgelthatisfilledwithneuralchips.Thesechipsareassmallashumanneurons,andthewonderfulthingis,theycommunicateandpassmessagesinthesamewayhumanneuronsdo,throughchemicalneurotransmitters.Thetypicalhumanbrain,Jenna,iscomposedofahundredbillionneurons.Youhavefivetimesthat.EveryinchofyouispackedwithBioGel."

IsensethatFatherthinksIshouldbeimpressed.Maybeevengrateful.Butwhataboutmymissingheart?Myliver?Idon'twantfivehundredbillionneuralchips.Iwantguts.

Hecontinuestodescribehishandiwork."Weuploadedalltheinformationfromyourbraintoacentralspherearoundyoursavedbraintissue—thepons—orthebutterflyasit'ssometimescalled.Buteventuallyalltheinformationwillbesharedwiththewholenetwork."

"Ifit'sallthere,whyamIhavingahardtimeremembering?"Idon'tsharethattherearesomethingsIamrememberingthatIshouldn't.Likemybaptismattwoweeksold.IwanttobelievethatFatherhasitallundercontrol,butmemorieslikethesetellmehemaybeaslostasIam.He'stamperedwiththeunknown.Whatdoorhasheopened?Willhechangehismindandwanttocloseit?

"Yourmemorylapsesaren'tunlikesomeonewho'shadastrokeandisslowlyrecovering,"hesays."Thebrainhastofindnewpathwaystoaccessandstoreinformation.That'swhatyou'redoingnow.Theneuralchipsarebuildingpathways."

"Areyousureit'sallthere?"MotherandFathershareaquickglance.DotheythinkIamblind?"Reasonablysure,"Fathersays.Reasonably.Likethatisenough.FatherisdonewithmyhandandIstand."Soifthisisallsogroundbreaking

andwonderful,whyarewehere?"Iknowtheanswer,butIwanttopushthem—likeachildonaplaygroundshovingatsomeone'sshoulder.Itfeelsgood.Ianswermyownquestionbeforetheycanputtheirspinonit."I'millegal,aren'tI?That'swhywelivehere.We'rehidingout."

Motherstands,comingaroundthetabletowardme."Jenna,thelawswillchange—"

Fatherjumpsin."You'vedonenothingwrong.Whatwe'vedoneisillegal.So,yes,that'soneofthereasonswe'rehere."

Motherisabouttoreachme,andIputmyhandoutlikeastopsigntohalther."Oneofthereasons?"Iask.

Fatherhesitates.AnothersharedglancebetweenhimandMother."TheBioGelhasitslimitations.Weknowtheshelflife—theoxygenation—isreducedwithextremetemperaturechanges,especiallycold.Thislocationwaschosenbecauseithasthemostconstanttemperateclimateinthecountry."

Ibeginlaughing.Shelflife?MyGod,Ihaveashelflife!"It'snotthatunusual—""Stop!Ihaveashelflife,forGod'ssake!Thatisunusual!""Callitwhateveryouwant,butwhatlivingthingdoesn'thaveashelflifeof

somesort?Wealldo.You'retwistingthisoutof—""Ican'tbelievethis!"Icirclearound,myarmsflailingovermyhead,but

justasquicklyI'mdisgustedthatI'mmimickingClaire'snervousgestures.IstopcoldandfaceFather."Howlongdoesitlast?"

"Inthisenvironment,wethinkitmayhaveagoodtwohundredyears.Theproblemis,thereisnodatayet—"

"AndifIweretogotoacoldclimate?Boston?""Again,wedon'thavedefinitivedata,butitcouldbereducedtojusta

coupleofyearsormaybeevenless."Istareatthemboth.JustwhenIthoughtitcouldn'tgetworse,itdoes.Ihave

alifeexpectancybetweentwoandtwohundredyears.What'snext?Ibacktowardthedoor."Howcouldyoudothistome?"

"Wedidwhatanyparentwoulddo.Wesavedyou.""Savedwhat?I'mafreak!Yousavedanuploadedartificialfreak!"Motherstepscloserandinaninstantherhandshootsupreadytoslam

acrossmyface,butshecatchesherself,herhandfrozeninmidair.Shedeliberatelylowersittoherside.Eveninherrage,shecannotharmonecellonhertreasuredJenna'sface."Don'tyoudarecallyourselfthat!Anddon'tyoudarejudgeus!Untilyou'vebeeninourshoes,you'llneverunderstand!"Sheturnsabruptlyandleavestheroom.

FatherandIstareateachother.Herexitleavesahole,animbalancetoouralreadyteeteringtriangle.

"It'sbeenverydifficultforher,Jenna,"hefinallysays,hisvoicesoftanduneven.Isheunraveling,too?They'rebothdisintegratingbeforemyeyes.Ineedout.Getaway,Jenna.Iopenthekitchendoortothebackyardandstephalfwayout—likeithasn'tbeenhardforme?IturnandlookatFatheragain.

"I'millegal.Nomatterhowyouplaywiththewords...I'millegal.Idon't

evenknowifI'mhuman."Fathercollapsesintoachair.Heleansforward,hisfingersdiggingacross

hisfaceandscalp."Idoknow.Youareonehundredpercenthuman.""Howcanyoubesure?""I'madoctor,Jenna.Andascientist.""Doesthatmakeyouanauthorityoneverything?Whataboutasoul,

Father?Whenyouweresobusyimplantingallyourneuralchips,didyouthinkaboutthat?Didyousnipmysoulfrommyoldbody,too?Wheredidyouputit?Showme!Where?Whereinallthisgroundbreakingtechnologydidyouinsertmysoul?"

IturnandleavebeforeIcanhearhisanswer.Ifhehadone.

Lily

Iwasalwaysbright.IalwaysgotA's.ButIwasn'tsmartlikeKaraandLocke.Theyweretrulybrilliant.Morethanjustbooksmart.Itwouldn'thavetakenthemthislongtocatchon.

IsitonthelargeflatrockthatjustyesterdayEthanandIkissedon.YesterdaywhenIwasonlyagirlwithashakymemory.Yesterdayisaworldawaynow.

Iwasgoingtorunintothewoods,outofview,butIknowtheywouldpanic.Maybeevenfollowme.WhatmighthappentotheirpreciousJenna?They'reprobablywatchingmenow.Fromawindow.Wondering.Readytopounce.Second-guessingeverythoughtImighthave.Wonderingiftheycouldhavedonesomethingdifferently.Wonderingwhattheyshoulddonext.Icanalmostfeeltheireyesonmyback.Iwhiparound,butallIseeisacold,silenthouse.Brickssitinpallets,waitingtorepairtheveranda.Scaffoldingforpaintersstandsempty.Allworkershavebeenturnedawaytoday.Restorationisonhold.

Ihaven'tseenLilyatall.Weallneedspace.Istareatthepond.Itismostlystill.AcoothenonMr.Bender'sside

disturbsthewatereveryfewminutes,divingforsomethingonthebottom.Theripplesdon'tevenreachoursideofthepond.Theydisappearsomewhereinthemiddle.Iconcentrateonthatshortexpanse,wheresomethingbecomesnothing.Exactlywhendoesitdisappear?Andwheredoesitgo?

IpullmysneakeroffandthrowitasfarasIcan.Itsplashesintothemiddleofthepond,andthecoothenisstartledintothereeds.Ripplesfanout.They

reachbothshores,butwithinaminutethesurfaceisglassagain,thesneaker'ssplashyentranceforgotten,andIamminusashoe.Itistheleastofmyworries,andnowIambacktothat.Me.OrwhateverIam.

MyownquestiontoFatherhascaughtmebysurprise.Thereisnogoingback.Wheredidthequestioncomefrom?Weremyartificialneuralchipsbeggingmetorecognizewhatwasleftbehind?Wasit?Itburrowsintome,likeafoxtailinchingintoflesh.

Mysoul.Ipullmysockfrommysneakerlessfoot.Itlookslikerealflesh.Realtoes.

Ally'sprostheticsarewellmade,buttheyareclearlynotlikethis.Thesearereal.Theyfeel.Iskimmyfootoutalongtherock,feelingthecoldsurface,theunevengranite.Bitsofgrit.

Istareattheonceagainglassysurfaceofthepond.Icurlmytoesagainsttherock.Ilistentomytoenailsscratchingthestone.Digging.Chipping.Thequestionscircleback.Istheresuchathing?Wasmineleftbehind?

Ilookatmyhandcurledinmylap,thebandagenowcoveringthesecret.ThesickfeelingofwhenIfirstsawitreturns.Inonemoment,onebriefglance,realitycanflip.Whateverwebelievecanvanish.Believinginsomethingdoesn'tmakeitso.

ThereweresomanythingsMotherandFatheralwayswantedmetobe.Butwantingdidn'tmakeitso,either.NowtheywantmetobejustwhoIwasbefore.I'mnot.Nomatterhowmuchtheywantit,orhowmuchIwantit,Ican'tmakethathappen.Thefeelingoffailureisfamiliar.Ialwaystriedsohardtobeeverythingtheywanted.Everythingthreebabiescouldbe.Theirmiraclechild.Me.NowIamadifferentkindofmiracle.Theartificialfreakkind.

"Theworldhassurechanged,hasn'tit?"Istartleandturnaround.ItisLily.Ididn'thearhercomeupbehindme.I

turnbackwithoutanswering."MindifIsitdown?"Istareoutatthepond,silent,andhugmykneestomychest.Shesitsdown,

uninvited.Therockislarge.Thedistancebetweenussmall.Ifeeleveryinchofit.The

lackofconversationdoesn'tseemtobotherher.Itsuffocatesme.Sheishereforareason.Whatisshewaitingfor?Shefinallybreachesthewallofquietbetweenus."I'llbehonest.Idon'treallyknowwhattomakeofyou."

Ismirk.Itisclosetoalaugh.Sheneverletsup.ButsomehowIcanacceptherbluntnesseasierthanlying."Youdon'ttiptoe,doyou?"

"Whatwouldbethepoint?""Right,"Isay,stillstaringstraightahead."Whyspareanyfeelingswhenthe

feelingsbelongtoafreak?""Yourwords.Notmine.""Somethingsdon'thavetobesaidoutloud.""Eighteenmonthsago,Iletgoofmygranddaughter,"shesays."Isaid

good-bye.Igrieved.Thenafewhourslater,yourparentstoldmewhattheyhaddone."

"Andyouthoughtitwaswrong?""I'mnotlikeyourparents.Ithinkthereareworsethingsthandying."Ithinkofthedarkplace,whereIwasnowhereatall.Trapped,dead,but

alive.IhugmykneestighterandturnmyfacetolookintoLily'seyesthathavebeenwatchingmeallalong."Andthat'swhatyouthinkJennadid?Died?"

Sheshakesherhead."Thereyougoagain.Puttingwordsinmymouth.Youwerealwaysgoodatputting—"Shestopsabruptly,likeshehascaughtherselfadmittingtosomething."LikeIsaidbefore,Ididn'tknowwhattomakeofyou.That'sall."

"Didn't.Don't.Whichisit?""What?""Twodifferentthings.Firsttimeyousaidyoudon'tknowwhattomakeof

me.Justnowyousaiddidn't.Pasttense.Bigdifference.You'vecometoadecision?"

Shelaughs."God,yousoundlikeJenna.YoulooklikeJenna.YoucanevenbesodamnpreciseandpickyandaggravatinglikeJenna."

Shebeginstoreachoutlikesheisgoingtotouchmyknee,butthenshepullsbackandreturnsherhandtoherlap."Ijustdon'tknowifyou'reaperfectreplicaofmyJenna,or—"

"Orthemiracleyouprayedfor?"Shenods,herlipstight.Mynana.Ilaymyheaddownonmyscrunched-up

kneesandclosemyeyes,eventhoughIloathethedarkness."Idon'tknoweither,"Isay.Ispeakthewordsintothedark,crowdedangles

ofmyfoldedarmsandlegs.I'mnotevensureshecanhearme.Orifanyonecan.It'safamiliarfeelingIneverwantedtoreturnto.

Species

Humann.1.AmemberofthespeciesHomosapiens,adj.2.Representativeofthesympathiesandfrailtiesofhumannature.3.Sympathetic,humane.4.Havinghumanformorattributes.

WheredoIgofromhere?Howmanyhourscanonepersonspendlockedinabathroom,lookingat

skin,hair,eyes.Feelingfingers.Toes.Andtheabsurdityofabellybutton?Howmanydefinitionsforhumancanonepersonfind?Andhowdoyou

knowwhichoneiscorrect?Howmanyhourscanyouspendshivering?Andholding.Andwondering.

Details

Wesitinthelivingroom.Fatherbuildsafire,eventhoughMotherwarnsthatthetopofthechimneyisstillmissing.Hedoesn'tcare.Hewantsafire.Ifthehouseburnsdown,he'llbuildanother.Shedoesn'targue.

Histimehereislimited.HewillbemissedinBoston.Questionswillbeasked,andtheotherscan'tcoverforhimforlong.SointhisunplannedvisithetriestotellmemoreofwhatIneedtoknow.AtdinnertimeIlearnedmoreaboutthenewandimprovedJenna.EventhoughBioGelisself-sufficient,Iactuallydohaveaprimitivedigestivesystem,mostlyfor"psychologicalreasons."Nostomach,butanintestineofsorts.Itexplainsmyinfrequenttripstotherestroomandunusualconstitution.Andthesystemdoesutilizethenutrientsformyskin.Atsomepoint,Imaybeabletoeatsometablefoods.ItellFatherIhavealreadyindulgedinmustardandhefrowns,buthedoesn'tsayanything.It'slikehecan'ttakeanymoredrama.EvenifitmayderaileverythingheandMotherhaveworkedtowardforsolong.Mustard.Irrelevant.

Motherhasbeenmostlyquiet.Beforedinnersheapologizedforraisingherhandtome.Shestumbledoverherwords.Idon'trecallhereverhittingme,buteventhepossibilityseemstoshakeher.Nowshesitsinthewingbackchairnearthefire,herheadback,hereyesstaringatsomethingIcan'tsee.Thepast?Isshe

retracingeverymoment,wonderingwhatsheshouldhavedonedifferently?Alwayschattyandincontrol,sheisnowtheopposite,likesomeonehaspulledherplug.Fatherfillsthespacesheleavesbyaddinglogsinthefireplaceandrefillingboththeirbrandyglasses.IhaveneverbeforeseenMotherdrinkanythingstrongerthancranberryjuice.

Fatherdoesn'taddressthequestionIthrewathimbeforeIranoutthekitchendoorthisafternoon.Perhaps,likemustard,itisirrelevanttohim.Idon'tthinkitisirrelevanttoLily.Shehadbeenconspicuouslyabsentallevening.Shehelpedmakedinnerbutdidn'tjoinMotherandFatherineatingit,insteadexcusingherselfandgoingtoherroom."Youneedsometimealonetogether,"shesaid.

Ashepokesatthefire,FatherexplainsindetailmorethanIreallywanttoknow,thetediousprocessofsavingbitsofmyskinandgrowingitinthelabandcombiningitwithotherspecimensuntiltherequiredamountwasachieved.Hemovesontothetechnologyofbrainscans,whatheandhisteamhavelearnedjustfrommyexperienceandtheimplicationsforfuture-patientsfacingsimilarproblems.Aslongasheisindoctor-scientistmode,heistalkativeandincharge.Whenheveersintofathermode,hestumblesandlooksinmanywayslikeamirrorimageofMother.Heages.WhoisthisJennaFoxwhohassomuchpoweroverthem?Ifeellikeaweak,unsureghostofher.Maybeareplica.Isearchforsomeportionofherstrength.

FatherleansbackinachairoppositeMotherandtalksofthechallengesofuploading.Iampoisedonthemiddleofthesofabetweentheirchairs.Thescientificcomplexitiesdon'tmattertomeasmuchasthehumanonesdo.Whenwillwetalkaboutthat?

Icutintohissafe,doctormode."Whydidn'tyoutellme?"Iask."TheminuteIwokeup?Didn'tIdeserveto

know?"Hisheaddropsmomentarily.Hischestrises.Mother'seyesclose."Maybe

weshouldhave,Jenna,"hesays.Hestandsandpacesnearthehearth."I'mnotsayingwedideverythingright.Damn,it'snotlikethere'samanualforthissortofsituation.We'regropingourwaythroughthis.It'safirstforus,too,justlikeitisforyou.We're—"

Hestopshispacingandlooksatme."We'rejustdoingthebestwecan."Ihearthecatchinhisvoice,anditknifesthroughme.

Motheropenshereyesandthelionessreturns.Theyareatagteam.Whenoneisspent,theothertakesupthefight."Weknowthisishardonyou,Jenna.

It'shardonus,too.Somedayyou'llunderstand.Someday,whenyouhaveachildofyourown,you'llfinallyunderstandwhataparentwilldotosavetheirchild."

"Lookatme!Icanneverhaveachild!"Shesoftens."Wesavedanovary,darling.It'spreservedatanorganbank.

Andasurrogatemotherwon'tbeaproblem—"God!Bitsofmehavelandedeverywhere.Itwouldbefunnyifitwasn'tso

horrifying.Istandabruptly,judgingwhethertoleaveorstickitout."Please,canwestaywithoneissueatatime?Iaskedasimplequestion,"Isay."Whydidn'tyoutellme?Youdidn'tforget.Irememberthatmuchaboutbothofyou.Detailsdon'tescapeyou.I'velivedwithdetailsforyears."IlookdirectlyatClaire."Iwon'tevenbringupthefactthatIamtwoinchesshorternow—acceptableballerinaheight—anotherdetailIknowwasn'tanoversight.Solet'sjustgobacktomyoriginalquestion.Whattookyousolong?"

"Listenverycarefully,"shesays.Herfaceandvoicearehard."Everyounceofourbreathwassuckedoutofus.Fordayswedidn'tbreathe.Literally,that'swhatitfeltlike.AndeverytimeIlookedatyou,Iwasafraidtolookawayagain,likemyeyesweretheonlythinganchoringyoutothisearth.ItwasunbearableeverytimeIlookedatyou,butIcouldn'tlookawayeither.

So,ifwedidn'tdoeverythingjustright,understanditwasn'tjustyouwho'sbeenthroughhell."

Stalemate.It'strue.Ireaditontheirfaces.TheyearsandthelinesI'veadded.

"Butyou'reright.There'smore,"sheadds."Itdoesn'tmatteranymore,butweeksagowecouldn'ttellyoubecauseweweren'tsurewhatyourmentalstatewouldbe.Judgment,specifically.Therearealotofpeoplewhohavelaidtheirlivesandcareersonthelineforyou,Jenna.Wehadtobecareful.Ifyouslippedandtoldsomeone,youwouldnotonlyjeopardizeyourfuturebuttheirsaswell."

HowcanIarguewiththis?ButhowcanIhandleanymoreweightofbeingtheperfectJenna,nownotjustforMotherandFather,butforpeopleIdon'tevenknow?Whendoesitend?Ileanmyforeheadagainstthemantelandclosemyeyes.

"Andfortherecord,"Fathersays,"yourmotherhadnothingtodowithyourbeingtwoinchesshorter.Itwasadecisionbasedonmechanics,ratio,andthelimitationsofbalance.Afewinchesshorterwouldhavebeenevenbetter,buttwowastheperfectcompromise."

Perfect.Ashorter,moreperfectJenna.Howwonderful.Careful,Jenna.

There'sstillmore.Itspeakstome.Somewhere,windinginside,piecesaretryingtocometogether,synapsestryingtoform,acompletestorytryingtoconnectwithin.FourhundredbillionextraneuralchipstryingtoputtogetherwhattheoldJennanevercould.

Mother'shandisonmyshoulder."Please,foralloursakes—especiallyyours—youmustn'tsayanythingtoanyone."

Inod,unabletospeak.Fatherreachesout.Hepullsmeclose,squeezing,andImeltintohisshoulder,lettinghisarmscirclemelikeawarm,tightblanket.

HoldOn"Doyouhearme,Jenna?I'mhere.Iwon'tletyougo."IdreamedIwasridingmybicycle.Myfirsttwo-wheeler,thetrainingwheelsgone.

ButFather'svoicewasallwrong."Holdon,Jenna.Forme,Angel.Please."Tight.Desperate.Iopenmyeyes.Fatherhasturnedaway.Thereisnobicycle,onlyahospitalbed.Hedoesn'tseemewatchinghim.Heslumpsagainstawall,staringblanklyattheoppositeoneIwanttogetoutofmybedandholdhimupthewayhealwayshadforme.Iwanttowrapmyarmsaroundhimtightsohecanbehappyagain.Butagainstmywill,myeyelidscloseandshuthimout.

DeniedJennaAngelineFox.Inarrowdownthepossibilities.Plus,Accident.Boston.SearchingforpieceswiththepiecesIhavegained.TheNetbookblinks,andIwaitforthethousandsofbitstobecomethefewI

need.Ablink.Red.AccessDenied.Denied.Denied.Shutout.NomatterhowmanytimesIask,itwillnotgiveitover.Whyis

Mr.BenderallowedbutIamnot?WhathavetheydonetothisNetbook?Keysflyintheair.Myfingersreachout.Hurry,Jenna.Thepiecesspeak,buttherearenotenough.Yet.

AnInvisibleBoundary"IleftthewoodsforasgoodareasonasIwentthere.Perhapsitseemedto

methatIhadseveralmorelivestolive,andcouldnotspareanymoretimeforthatone."EthanpausesfromhisreadingofWaldenandlooksinmydirection.

Itisthesecondtimehehaspausedhisreadinganddiscussiontolookatme,

likeheisgivingmeanopeningtointerrupthim.Idon'ttakeit,andhegoeson.Iamstillunsureaboutcontinuingwithschool.Itseemswrongtoevenbehere.Iamoutofplace.LikeIamplayingagame,pretendingatbeingsomethingI'mnot.WhatamI?Thequestionwon'tgoaway.MondaymorningFatherhadtoreturntoBoston.Itwastooriskytodrawattentionwithhisabsence.TheybothsaidIshouldresumemynormalroutine,too.Doesn'tanormallifegohandinhandwithanormalroutine?

Iamnotnormal.Thegroupexchangesthoughts.Allyscomments.Gabrielcomments.Even

Danecomments.."Jenna?"Raeprompts.Ishakemyheadandremainsilent.Raedoesn'tpressure.Itisnotherstyle.

ShenodsatEthantocontinue.Heshiftshiscross-leggedpositiononthedesktopandlooksatmeformuchtoolongbeforehefinallyreturnstothepagesinhisopenbook.

"Eventhoughheleftaftertwoyears,ThoreaudecideshistimeatWaldenisasuccessifonlybecause,Ilearnedthis,atleast,bymyexperiment,thatifoneadvancesconfidentlyinthedirectionofhisdreams,andendeavorstolivethelifewhichhehasimagined,hewillmeetwithasuccessunexpectedincommonhours.Hewillputsomethingsbehind—"Hestopsandlooksatmeagain.Ifeelmyagitationwithhimgrow.Hisdarkeyesdrillintomeandwon'tturnaway,waiting."Hewillputsomethingsbehind—"herepeats.Morewaiting.Thesilenceisthunder.Danesmirksbuteveryoneelseremainsquiet.

Islammybookshutandglareathim."Hewillputsomethingsbehind,willpassaninvisibleboundary;new,universal,andmoreliberallawswillbegintoestablishthemselvesaroundandwithinhim;ortheoldlawswillbeexpanded,andinterpretedinhisfavorinamoreliberalsense,andhewilllivewiththelicenseofahigherorderofbeings,"

Ethanclapshishandsthreetimes."Thanksforjoiningus."Hetakeshisteacher-collaboratorrolewaytooseriously."Thanksforforcing

me,"Ianswer."So,you'regoodatmemorization,butdoyouhaveanopinion?Isthereany

waytopassthatinvisibleboundarybesidesdroppingoutlikeThoreaudid?"Whyishebaitingme?Ifeelmyeyesnarrow,andmyvoiceisclosetoa

growlwhenIspeak."Natureandhumanlifeareasvariousasourseveralconstitutions.Whoshallsaywhatprospectlifeofferstoanother?Couldagreatermiracletakeplacethanforustolookthrougheachother'seyesforan

instant?"Ethan'sfacerelaxes,hiseyessoften,likehehaslosthismad-dogbeadofconcentration.ButIhaven't."Althoughthat'sjustanotherrotememorization,isn'tit?"Iadd."Butsinceyoumightbeahigherorderofsomesortofbeing,maybeifyoutryreallyhard,youcanpullanopinionfromitwithoutyourheadexploding."

Istandtoleave.I'vehadenough.InDane'swords,I'moutofhere.ButevenasIstand,Iamwondering,DoIlooknormal?Whatdoesanormalangrypersonlooklike?ShouldIsitbackdown?WhatamIdoing?WhatamI?Thatagain.

AnotherstalemateasIstandawkwardlyatmydesk,myhandstrembling,myangerfusingwithmydoubts.

"Shortbreak,Rae?"Allyssuggests."Sure,"Raeanswers,jumpingonthesuggestionquickly.Itakeitasajustifiedreleaseandheadforthedoor.Footstepsfollowclose

behind.Atramplingdownthenarrowhallway,pastMitch,wholooksupinsurprise,butwearealreadyoutthedooranddownthestepsbeforeshecanrespond.

Ethangrabsmyarmfrombehindandswingsmearound."What'syourproblem?"

"What'syours?YousulkwhenIinterruptyou,andyoubecomeanasswhenIdon't."

"Idon'tgetit.OnSaturdayyouwerekissingmelikeIwasthelastboyontheplanet,andtodayyouwon'tsaytwowordstome.Notevenahello.WhatdidyourgrandmothersayafterIleft?Stayawayfromthedickhead?"

AlifetimehaspassedsinceIkissedhimonSaturday.Iamadifferentpersonnow.Maybeadifferentthing.HowcanIexplainthattohim?Ilookathisface.Iseeeverything.Everyexpression,wrinkle,twitch,doubt.MorethanIshould.Isthatthedifferencebetweenaneuronandaneuralchip?CanInowseedeeperthanthenormalhumanperceptions?DoesFatherknowaboutthis?Ormaybethisisnormal?Wasitalwaysthereformetosee,andIamonlyjustnowtrulylooking?

Thequestionsmaydrivememad.Evennow,hewantstokissme.Icanseethat,too.Wouldhestillwanttokissifheknewaboutme?Everythingintheuniversesaysit'snotright.That'smyinvisibleboundary.Ilookathishand,stillclutchingmyarm,andIwonderifitwillbethelasttimeweevertouch.ShouldIevenbethinkingaboutthesethings?Stayaway.

"Backoff,loser."Daneappearsbehindmyshoulder."Stayoutofthis,Dane,"Ethanshootsback.

DanepushesEthan'sshoulder."Gobeatupsomeoneelse,lowlife."Ethanletsgo,hiseyesblinkingtopinpoints,hishandheldinfrontofhim

likeit'sonfire."Dane,it'snotwhat—"BeforeIcanfinishexplaining,Ethanisalready

gone,headedtowardhistruckintheparkinglot.Daneshakeshishead."Youknowwhathedid,don'tyou?"IlookafterEthan.It'sbetterthisway.Butitdoesn'tfeelbetter."Yes,"I

answer."Idoubtit,oryou'dstayawayfromhim.Henearlykilledaman.Beathim

upsobad,hewasinahospitalforamonth."IthinkofEthan'shandonmyarmandthefearinhiseyeswhenheletgo.

"Maybehedidn'thaveachoice.""Theythrewhiminjailforayear.Iguesstheythoughthehadachoice."Iwonder."C'mon,break'sover."Danegrabsmyhandandpullsmebackinside.Ethandoesn'treturn,andIspendtherestoftheafternoonworryingabout

himinsteadofmyownproblems.Willhecomeback?Danetriestocatchmyattentionoverandoveragain.Iwatchhim,thesmile

thattwistshislipsbutneverreacheshiseyes.He'smissingsomething.That'swhatAllyssaid.Howdoessheknow?Cansheseesomethingmissinginme?Hemakesnosecretofhisflirtations.Itismoreofagametohimthananyseriousinterestinme.BeatEthanatsomething.

Icontemplatespinningmyheadaroundthreetimesorpoppingmyeyeballsoutandsettingthemonhisdesk.Canthisfreakishnewbodydothat?Thepossibilitiescouldalmostamuseme.WouldDanestillbesocockythen?

Probably.

TheGreenhouseSteamydropletsslidedowntheinsideofthedoor.Myfingerstouchthe

glass.Iamnotinvitedinanysense.I'mcompelledtopush,butwhyinvadeaspacewhereIamnotwelcome?Myquestionshavemultiplied,twisted,takenonnewform.Willthewonder

ofknowingiftenpercentisenough—themostimportantpart—everbeanswered,orwillitdrivemetotheedgebeforethatcanhappen?

Canathinglikemeevenbepushedtoanedge,orwillIsimplycrashina

puffofsmoke?Igentlyeaseopenthedoor.Lilyisatthefarendofthegreenhouse.Herheadturnsinsurprisewhenshe

seesme,butherarmsarefullwithalargepalmsheiswrestlingintoapotandjustasquicklyherattentionturnsbacktoit.

Itaketwomorestepsin.Thegreenhouseisatleastthirtyfeetlong.Allthebrokenwindowshavenowbeenreplaced,andhalfthealuminumtablesalreadyholdplants.Iamsurprisedathowwarmtheairinsideis.Outsidethesunisshining,buttheFebruaryairiscool.Inhere,itiswarm,moist,likeawomb.

Lilygruntsassheliftsthepalm-filledpotontothetable.Sheturnsandgoestothecornerofthegreenhousewhereseveralbagsarestacked,andshebeginsdraggingoneacrossthefloor.Shepauses."Icouldusesomehelphere,"shesays.

Istumbleovermyfeettryingtoreachherbeforeshe'salreadyfinishedthetask.SheletsgoofonecornerofthebagasIreachforit.Webothpullthebagtherestofthewayandthenheaveituponthetablewiththepottedpalm.Shestabsintoitwithsomeshearsanddrawsitacross.Anotherstabandthebagislaidopenandsoilspillsout.Idon'trememberthisLily,theonewhoissoquiet,intent,angry.Theonewhoissounpredictable.ThepiecesofLilyIremember,mynana,werenotamystery.Asmilewasasmile,andasharpwordwasrare.Bitsarestillmissing,butallthepiecesinbetweenarememoriesofhersmilingeverytimeshesawme.Iwasn'tjustMotherandFather'sNorthStar,buthers,too.Andinmanyways,Iwonderifshewasmine.

Myteenyearswithherarehazy,andmoreoftenIcanhearthemratherthanseethem.Letherbe,Claire.Andthen,Ithinkherhairisjustfine.Andstilllater,Giveherspace.IcanhearhervoiceliftingweightsoffmeIdidn'tevenknowwerethere.

Nowsheiscynical,sullen,andadeepermysteryeveryday.Sheusesasmallspadetotransfersoiltothepot,usingherbarehandstotampitdownintothesides.Istand,silent,byherside,wonderingifthisisallwewilleverbenow,bothtwistedversionsofwhoweoncewere.Theworldhasn'tchanged.We'vechanged.Thequestionsthatdrovemeherearelostinsomecrippledsynapsebetweenus.

"Yourmotherwasright,youknow,"shesays,interruptingmythoughts."What?""Youcouldn'thaverememberedthetimeyoualmostdrowned.Youwere

onlynineteenmonthsold.Youweren'teventalkingyet.Theysayyoucanonly

remembereventswhenyouhavethewordstonamethem.""ButIdoremember,don'tI?""Yes.""Somaybetheydon'tknowasmuchastheythinktheydo.""No,"shesays.Shesetsasideherspadeandexaminesme."Idon'tsuppose

theydo."Ourgazesrestoneachotheruncomfortably."HowdoIgoonfromhere?"Iblurtout."Doyouknow?"Sheturnsaway.Myquestion,itseems,cametoofastandaskedtoomuch.

"You'retheonlyoneIcanask,"Iadd."TheonlyoneIknowwhowilltellmethetruth."

Sheshakesherhead."You'veputmeinsuchaposition.Choosingbetweenmydaughterand—"

"I'llleave.Ishouldn'thaveexpected—""Jenna."Thesound.Myname.Thesoundofyearsago.Jenna.Shespinsbackaround."Therearethingsyoushouldknow,"shesays.

"ThingsIsworenottotell.Claire'smydaughter.Shemeanstheworldtome,andIwoulddoalmostanythingforher"—shehesitates,drawingadeepbreath—"butIthinkyouhavearighttoknow."

Forthefirsttime,IamawarethatIdon'thaveawildlybeatingheart—onlythememoryofone.Butthememoryisenough.Mythoughtsbeatoutofcontrol.

Shepullstwocratesoutfromunderthetableandsitsonone.Sheoffersmetheother.Wesitkneetoknee.

"Iknowyoudon'tremembereverythingyet,butmaybeIcanrefreshonememory.Youweresixteen.Youandyourmotherwerehavinganargument.Ihadhappenedtostopby,butIwastryingtostayoutofit.Shewouldn'tletyougotoaparty.Shedidn'tlikewhowasgivingit.Theargumentwasgoingonandon,incircles,untilshehadfinallyhadenoughandorderedyoutogotoyourroom.Doyourememberwhatyoudid?"

Ishakemyhead."Youlaughedather.Yousaidyouweren'tsevenyearsoldandthenstomped

outthefrontdoor.""Iknowwehadargumentsbut—""That'snotmypoint.Youdidn'tgotoyourroom."IlookatLily.Idon'tunderstandtheimportanceofrehashinganargument.

SoIdidn'tgotomyroom?It'soveranddonewith.Itwasinthepast.Ican'tchangewhathappenedwhen—

"Youdidn'tgotoyourroom,Jenna,"sherepeats.Okay.Ididn'tgo—Thegreenhousespins.Gotoyourroom,Jenna.AndIdid.Compelled...evenwhenIhada

desperateneedtodosomethingelse.Gotoyourroom,Jenna.AndIdid.Clairecommandsandithappens.IlookatLily.Mymouthopens,butIcan'tformanywords."I'msorry,"shesays."ButI'mnotsorryItoldyou.Itjustisn'tright."

ControlMotherissittingattheNetbookwhenIenterthekitchen."Goodmorning,"

shesays."You'reupearly."Ismile.AsmilethatIguessmustnotbetoodifferentfromDane's.Onethat

onlyhoversnearmymouthandhasnoconnectiontoanythingwithin."Ididn'twanttomissFatherwhenhecalls,"Isaycheerfully.

Lilylowershernewspaperandlooksatme."Hehasn'tcalledyet,"Mothersays,barelylookingupfromwhatsheis

reading."I'mgladyou'llbeabletotalktohim.Youwenttobedsoearlylastnight.Iwasalittleworried."

"BecauseIwenttomyroom?That'snothingtobeafraidof.Doyouthinkitis,Lily?"

"Ithinkit'stimeformetogo."Shefoldsupherpaperandstands,takinghercoffeewithher."IhavethingsIwanttogetanearlystarton."

"Idon'tblameyou,"Isay."I'dgetthehelloutofhere,too."Motherlooksup.Ismileandtiltmyhead."Imean,whysitaround,whenit'saperfectly

beautifulday?"Herbrowwrinkles."Youallright?""Perfect."Anothersmile."LetmeknowwhenFathercalls,"IsayasIcross

thekitchen.Lilyisalreadyoutthedoor.Motherreturnstoherreading,andIopenakitchencupboardandsurveyitscontents.Whiteplates,cups,bowls.IremoveastackofplatesandsetthemontheislandcounterthatisinfullviewoftheNetbook.Ilaythemoutonebyonealongtheedgeofthecounter,rimtorimsotheyarelikeagiantpearlnecklace.

TheNetbookbuzzesandMotherclicksFatheronthrough.Theyshare

greetings.Fathercallstome."Goodmorning,Father,"Ianswer.Motherhasturnedandnoticedthenecklaceofplates.Iputmyfingeronthe

edgeofthefirstplate.Theybothwatch,confused,andbeforetheycansayanything,Ipressdownonthelipandtheplateflipsandcrashestothefloor.

"Jenna!"Mothersays,jumpingupfromherchair."Doyouhavesomethingyouwanttosay,Mother?"Iputmyfingertothe

nextplateandsenditshatteringtotheflooraswell.Fatherjumpsin,yellingmyname,andastringofotherwarningsthataredrownedoutbythethirdplatecrashingtothefloor.

"Whatisthematterwithyou?Stopthat!"Motheryells.Fatherechoessimilarwarnings.

"Isn'ttheresomethingelseyouwanttosay?"Myfingerispoisedoverthefourthplate.

Ibegintobringitdown,andMotheryellsout,"Gotoyourroom,Jenna!"Iclosemyeyes.Istruggle.Iconcentrateoneverytwitchwithinme.Every

jointthatwantstosweepmeupthestairs.IconcentrateoneverywordIhavepracticedsinceyesterday.

Don'tgo,Jenna.Don'tgo.Don'tgo.Iopenmyeyes.Iremaininplace.Ihavenotgoneanywhere.Iamdrained

fromtheeffort.Iglareatthemboth."Howdareyou!"Isay."Howdareyouplaywithmy

brain!HowdareyoupretendwithmethatI'mnormal!Howdareyouprogramme!"

Thewordsendsashockwavethroughtheroom.Foramomentneitheronespeaks,stunnedbytheoutingoftheirdirtysecret.

"Jenna,comehere,"Fatherfinallysays."Comeclosertothescreen.Sit,sowecantalk."

"DoIhaveachoice?Oristhatanotherthingthatisprogrammedintome.Sitdown,Jenna.Sitdown!Sitdown!"

"Jenna,please,"Motherpleads."JennaAngelineFox!"Fathersays."Lookatyou.Areyouinyourroom

rightnow?No.You'reobviouslynotprogrammed.Letmeexplain!"Idon'tmove."Angel,"headds.

IstepforwardandsitinthekitchenchairMotherhaspulleduptothe

Netbook.AmIdoingthisofmyownfreewill?I'mnotsure."Itwasasuggestion,Jenna.Weonlyplantedastrongsuggestion.Likea

subliminalmessage.Itwasn'tprogramming,Anditwasforyourownprotection.You'vebeenthroughaterribletrauma,notunlikeanypatientwhohashadaseverebraininjury.Erraticbehaviorcansometimesbeasideeffectofsuchaninjury.Usuallymedicationisusedtolessenadverseeffects.Butmedicinewon'tworkwithyou,Jenna.Youdon'thavethesamecirculatorysystemornervoussystemofotherbraininjurypatients.Soaverysimplethingwedidwasplantsomethingthatisnomorecontrollingthanasubliminalmessageincaseyoustartedbehavingoutofcontrol."

Whoisreallyoutofcontrolhere?"Idon'twantyoutocontrolme,"Isay."Wedon't,"Mothersaysfirmly."Likeyourfathersaid,you'rehereandnot

inyourroom.Right?Butuntilyoucouldunderstandeverythingthathashappened,wealsohadtohaveawaytogetyououtofsightfastifwehadto.Foryourownprotection,andothers',too.We'vealreadytoldyouthatalotofpeoplehaveputtheirlivesandcareersonthelineforyou.Ifsomeoneshouldshowuphereunexpectedly,someoneaskingquestions—"

"We'vetakenalotofprecautions,Jenna,"Fatherinterrupts."Butifsomeoneweretoseeyourightnow,itwouldbedifficulttoexplain.Yourorganfailures,severeburns,limblosses—itwasallonhospitalrecords.We'vemanagedtomakechangestoalotofthoserecords,andwe'restilltryingtomakemore.Butwecan'tchangewhatpeoplesaw.Therearealotofmedicalstaffwhowouldremember.AlotwhoknewyouwerebeyondthelimitsofwhattheFSEBlegallyallows.Fornow,theofficialstorywe'vegiveneveryoneisthatyou'restabilizedandreceivingprivatenursingcareatanundisclosedlocation.Thatalonehasbeenasourceofquestionsandrumorbecausenooneexpectedyoutolive,muchlessrecover.Iftheyweretoseeyouasyouarenow,itwouldcertainlyleadtoaninvestigation,orworse.Let'sfaceit,I'mnews,andwithmybackgroundwithBioGelandthehighprofileofFoxBioSystems,redflagswouldgoflying.ThemediawouldhaveafielddayandtheFSEBwouldbeouttomakeanexampleofus.Everyoneinvolvedwouldbefacingjailtime.AndI'mnotsurewhatwouldhappen—"

Hedoesn'tfinish.Hedoesn'tneedto.Icanfillintheunspeakableblank.Me.Whatwouldtheydototheuploadedthingthatisme?

"That'swhywedidn'twantyoutogotoschool,butweknewthateventuallywehadtoletyouhaveyourlifeback,too,orwhatwouldbethepointofitall?

Butnooneknowswhereyouandyourmotherare.ThehousewasboughtunderLily'sname,andIkeepmytravelstheretoabareminimumtoavoidanyonetrackingusdown.

"AndasIsaid,"hecontinues,"we'vebeenmakingadjustmentstohospitalrecordsandeventuallyastimepasses,ifsomeoneseesyouandquestionsanything,wecanattributediscrepanciestofaultymemories.Soitwasforyourprotection,too.Sinceyoudidn'tunderstandthewholescopeofwhatisgoingon,wehadtohaveawaytoremoveyoufromapotentiallyharmfulsituation.Youhavetoseethatwefeltwehadtoplantthissuggestion."

"Andjusthowdidyou'plant'thissuggestion?"Iask.Fatheropenshismouthtoanswer,butMotherintervenes."Itwas

uploaded,"shesaysplainly.Iclosemyeyes.Thisorthedarkplace?Itisadraw.Iopenmyeyesand

lookfirstatMother,thenatFather."Isthereanythingelseyouthoughtitnecessarytoupload?Wemayaswellgetitalloutrightnow."

Thereisaprolongedpause,eachwaitingtoseehowforthcomingtheotheris.Myquestionisanswered.Thereissomethingelse.

Isighandleanbackinthechair."Youweremissingsomuchschool,"Mothersays."Youweresosick.We

knewyouwouldhaveenoughchallengesasitwas,andwehonestlydidn'tthinkyou'deverbeabletogotoschoolagain."

"Itwasamistake.Werealizethatnow,"Fathersays."Butweuploadedthetenth-through-twelfth-gradecurriculumoftheBostonUnifiedSchoolDistrict.Itwasprobablytoomuchinformation—notwhatyouwouldhaveabsorbednaturally—butwecan'ttakeitback.Itdoesn'tworkthatway.Notwithoutstartingfromscratch."

Noneofitisreallymine.Mysynapsesfirelikeafireworksdisplay.Thoreau.TheFrenchRevolution.Theearthquake,thesecondGreatDepression,currentevents.Wordby

word.Theinvisibleboundary.Tenpercent.Themostimportantpart.Whoshallsaywhatprospectlifeofferstoanother?Tolivedeepandsuckoutallthemarrow.

Allofit.Ilookatmyhands.Claspthemandunclaspthem.Perfect.Monster.Hands.Athousandpoints.Athousandillegalpoints.Clasping.Unclasping.Thebutterfly.Suckoutthemarrow.ThemarrowofJennaFox.Myfeetfidget.Theytap.Thewaytheyalwaysdid.Thenervousgestureof

mychildhood.Myborrowedfeetremember.Somethingthatisstillmine.Icalmthem.

"ThenIshouldhavethekeytothecloset,"Ifinallysay.MotherlooksatFather.Sheisnotthedeferringtype.Butinallthese

uncertainmattersshedeferstohim.Iseethisisnotherworld.Sheisfeelingherwaythroughsomethingforeign.Sheonlywantedherdaughterback.Wouldpayanypriceforit.Butthepriceisnavigatinguncertaintyandsecretsthatseemtokeepspinningfasterthansheis.She'swide-eyed,staringattheNetbookandFather.Heremainssteady,hiseyesfalteringforonlyamicrosecond.Butit'safalteringmicrosecondthatisalifetimeforme.Icansee.Heisafraid.Maybeterrified.Hecalculateshisreply."Whatdoyoumean,Jenna?"heaskscalmly.

Whataretheyafraidof?Whatdotheythink—Ifeelaping,chillingandalert.Thekey.Theireyesarerivetedonme,invested,waitingforananswer."Thekeyto

thesmalldooratthebackofmycloset,"Itellthem.Iseethevisiblereliefonboththeirfaces."IfIneedtoreallygetoutofsightoneday,itwouldbelogicaltogothere."

"Yes,ofcourse,"Fatheragrees."Ihaveitsomewhere.I'llfindit,"Mothersays.Sheistooeager.She

rummagesthroughadrawerandproducestwokeys."Ithinkit'soneofthese.""I'llgotrythemboth."Ihurryupstairstomycloset,pocketingthekeysMotherhandedme.Irush,

afraidshemayfollow.Ioverturnmyhamperandrifflethroughdirtyclothesandsheets,lookingforthepantsIworefourdaysago.Ifindthemandsearchthepocket.ThekeytoMother'sclosetisstillthere.ThisisthekeythatmadeFatherfalter,theonehethoughtIwastalkingabout.

Iscanmyclosetforahidingplace.Ikneelinthecornerandpullbackthecarpet,tuckthekeythere,andcarefullypushthecarpetbackdownonthetackstrip.Iplacemyhandoverthepatchofcarpeting,likesometruthwillfilter

through.Somethingthatisall,onehundredpercent,mine.Myhandhovers,butnotruthcomes,onlytheknowledgethatmaybethisis

mywayofbalancingthepower.

TrustIt'smidnight.Thehouseisdark.Quiet.MotherandLilyhavebeeninbed

foranhour.IwatchYearSeven/JennaFox.It'stheonlydiscIhavewatchedmorethan

once.Thisismyfourthtime.Seven-year-oldJennaleadsFatherthroughthehouse.Hehasablindfoldon.

Lilymustbefilming.GlimpsesofMothersmilingandfollowingalong,gigglesfromJenna,andhollowprotestsfromFatherpunctuatethejourney.

"Whereareyoutakingme,Jenna?""Youcan'task,Daddy!"Jennawails."Themoon?""Daddy!""TheMayflower?"IwatchFatherbeingpulled,pushed,andturned.HetrustsmeasIleadhim

fromroomtoroomanddownhallways.Stepup.Stepdown.Heexaggerateshismovements,liftinghisfeetlikeheissteppingontoastage.Buthetrustsme.Hetrustsseven-year-oldJenna.WhatdidIdotomakethatchange?

Theyreachthekitchendoorway.Alarge,lopsidedbluecakeisonthekitchentable,candlesalreadyburnedhalfwaydownduringthelong,blindfoldedwalk.Theicingsagsandbunchesoutononesidelikeaslow-movingglacier,bringingtippingcandlesalongwithit.

"Stop!"Jennasays."Turn.No,thisway,Daddy!Benddown.Ready?"Iremovetheblindfold."Surprise!"MotherandIyellandclapourhands.

Fatherthrowshishandsintheair.Hegasps.Jennabeams.Hergap-toothedsmileisnearlyangelic.

"It'sbeautiful!It'sperfect!It'sthebestcakeI'veeverhad!""Shemadeitherself,"Mothersaysproudly."Wedoubledthebatchbecause

shewanteditbig."MotherandFathershareaglance,abrieflookthatfliesoverJenna's

bouncinghead.Itisafulllookjustbetweenthem.Alookoflove,satisfaction,fulfillment.Easiness.Completeness.Everythingtheywantandneedisrightin

thatroom."It'sbig,allright!Andblue!"Hecontinuestopraiseandadoreit.Justashe

adoresJenna.Iwatchthemdiginwithforksandnoplates.Morelaughter.Moresqueals.

Morelooks.ItmakesmefeelallthewaysI'vewantedtofeeleversinceIwokeup.Trusted.Happy.Enough.FathertakesafingerfulofblueicinganddecoratesJenna'snose,andshe

squeals.Andnow,inthequietofmyroom,Ilaugh,too.Ilaughoutloud.JustasIhavedoneeverytimeI'vewatchedit.

SanctuaryThechurchisempty.Nopriests.NoLily.Notevensweetsingingvoicesto

stirtheair.Thesanctuaryisintheshapeofacross.Istandinthecrosshairs,feelinglikeanimposter,waitingtobefoundatanymomentandusheredout.

Sanctuary.Iweighthemeanings.Aholyplace.Refuge.Aplaceofforgiveness.Rowsofcandlesflickeroneithersideofmeinthesmallerarmsofthe

church.Istepforward,myclumsyfeetscuffingthefloor,echoingacrossthestillness.Souls,ifthereissuchathing,arenourishedandmendedhere.Incaseoferrortheycan'tbeuploadedlikethewholeBostoncurriculum—therearenosparesincaseoneislost.Soulsaregivenonlyonce.

Iwalkupthethreestepstothealtarandstepoverthesmallrailingthatseparatesthemassesfromallthatissacred.Iamtrespassing,butIcan'tstop.Iwaittofeelsomething.Somethingdifferent.Butwhoknowswhatasoulfeelslike?

Idaretostepcloser,violatingtheholyspacethatsurroundsme.Irestmyhandsonthealtar,feelingthelinenclothonlymeantforapriest'sfingers.History.Icanfeelitinthethreads.Iclosemyeyessearchingformyownhistory,theintangiblebitsthatwilltellmeifwhatIamisenough.

Avoicebooms."Youshouldn'tbeupthere."

MyeyesflyopenandIturnaround.Justasquickly,Iturnback,carefullyplacingmyhandsonthealtar,willingthemnottotremble.Iignorethewarningandthefootstepsgettingcloser.

"Stillcan'ttalktothedickhead,hm?"Oh,God.Ihavetosaysomething."That'snotawordyoushouldbeusingin

church,"Ianswer.Ihearhimgettingcloser,hisfootstepssofteningashewalksupthesteps.

"ThenIguesswebothhaveonemarkagainstus.Youwalkingwhereyoushouldn't,andmesayingabadword."

Ihearafewmorestepsandhisshoebangingtherailingashestepsoverit.Iturnaroundandfacehim."Two."

"What?""Ionlyhaveonemarkagainstme.Youhavetwo.Youalsosteppedoverthe

railing."Hisfacecontortstoanunflatteringmixoffrustrationandanger."Youareso

—"butjustasquickly,hisscowlisgoneandthesharpnessvanishes.Hissoftbrowneyesstareintomineforasecondortwo.Orthree."Jenna,"hesighs,"Idon'twanttoargue.Ijustcamelookingforyou.Youweresupposedtomeetmeoveranhouragodownatthelavanderia.Ifyoudon'twanttoworkontheprojectwithmeanymore,FatherRicohassomeoneelsewho—"

"No,"Isay.Hewalkscloser,anarm'slengthfromme."No,youdon'twanttoworkwith

me?"Ican'tanswer.WhatIshouldsayandwhatIwanttosayaretwodifferent

things.HaveIalwaysbeenthismixedup?Ethangrabsmyarms."Jenna,youhavetotalktome.""Ineedto—Iwanttokeepworkingwithyou,Ethan.But—"Hebendsoverandkissesme.AndIkisshimback.Wearekissingonthealtar.Wearepassionatelykissingonthealtarofthe

churchinfrontofallthesaintedstatues.Howmanymarksagainstusisthat?Ipushhimaway."Thisisn'tright,"Isay."Listen,IknowI'vedonesomethingsinthepast—""Ethan.Thisisn'taboutyou.Thingshavechanged.It'sme.Thereare

things.""Tellme,"hesays.Ilookintohiseyes.Theycallthemwindowstothesoul.IthinkIcansee

Ethan's.Whatdoesheseewhenhelooksintomine?Ilookawayandseemoreeyes,thestatuesofthesaintswatchingusfromtheirniches.Joseph.Mary.SaintFrancis.Theirgazessplitmewide.

Youmustn'ttell.Foralloursakes.Especiallyyours.Youmustn'tsayanythingtoanyone."Nothere,"Itellhim."Let'sgooutside."

TellingLikethechurch,thecemeteryisempty,butheretherearenocornersor

shadowstohidelisteningears.Justthedead.Theymayhear,buttheycan'ttellandneverwill.Theyareonesteppastthedarkplace.Ihaven'teventoldmyparentsaboutthat.HowcanItellEthan?

Wewalkonthegrass,steppingoverandaroundthetarnishedmarkersthatrememberlivesandmomentsintime.Wherewearegoing,Idon'tknow.Itdoesn'tseemtobetheplacethatisimportantbutthestepsinbetween.Ethanfinallystopsatadark,moldynicheholdingastatueofawatchfulsaintthatisstreakedwithyearsofweatherandgrime.Thismustbetheplaceoftelling.

Myheadhurts.It'sthefirsttimeIhavefeltthiskindofpain.Almostlikeaheadache.Aremybiochipspunishingmefortryingtorevealthetruth?MaybeIamprogrammednevertoadmitanything?MaybeIamself-destructingevenasIstandhere.Iwinceanddropmyheadintomyhands,rubbingmytemples.

"Nevermind,Jenna.Youdon'thavetotellme,"Ethansays.Ipressmytemples,tryingtosortitout."Ineedto,"Isay."Ihavetotell

someone."Itisodd.Thesunisshining.Thegrassisabrilliantgreen.Thecemeteryis

almostfestive,withcolorfulflowersdottingtheneatlytrimmedgraves.ItisashockingcontrasttotheuglytruthIamabouttorevealtoEthan.

Ilaymyhandsout,palmsup,towardhim."Takemyhands,"Isay.Hedoes.Hesqueezesthem.Iwonderatthefeelingsitsendsupmyarms,throughmybrain,throughallthatissalvagedandnew.Iwonderatwhatisrealandwhatisreplicated,thebraidingofgenuineandfake.IwonderatthemiracleFatherhasfashioned."It'snotreal,Ethan,"Itellhim.Hisbrowsdrawtogetherandheshakeshishead."Theaccident,"Itellhim."Ilostmyhandsintheaccident.

Thesearecreated.Likeprosthetics."Hegentlyturnsmyhandsandexaminesthem,asthoughhedoesn'tbelieve

me."They'rebeautiful,"hesays.Hedoesn'tletgo.Hecaressesthem."Canyoufeelthis?"

Inod.Ifeeleverycallusandcreaseofhisfingers.IfeeltouchinwaysIneverdidbefore.Velvety,fluid,andwhenIconcentrate,Icanalmostfeelhisskinasmyown.Isigh."Thisisn'tall,.Ethan.There'smore."

"Like?""Myarms.Mylegs."Iwatchhiseyes.Ilookfortheslightestbitof

revulsion,butnoneisthere.Yet."Nearlyeverything,"Iblurtout.Hiseyesaresteady."EnoughthatI'millegal.Veryillegal.AccordingtothepointscheduleAllystoldmeabout,Icouldbeillegalfivetimesover."HiseyesfalterandIfeeleverythinginmecave.Ipullmyhandsloose."Sothat'swhymygrandmotherdoesn'twantmetoseeyou.Sheistryingtospareyou,notme.Byherownwords,shedoesn'tknowwhattomakeofme.NeitherdoI,exceptthatI'msomekindoffreakishmonster."

Ethanwalksaway.Hecomesback,hishandsjammedintohispockets.Hestaresatme.Hisfaceisstiff.Frightening.Ifeelweak.WhathaveIdone?Ishouldhavekeptquiet.ListenedtoMother.ToLily.Iwanttotakebackeveryword,butitistoolate.

Hissoftbrowneyeshaveturnedtoicybeads.Allhiswarmthisgone."Inearlykilledaman,Jenna,"hesays."Somepeoplecalledmeamonsterforhittinghimwithabatevenafterhewasunconscious.ButIneverfeltlikeamonster.Ibarelyrememberdoingit—somethinginsidemesnapped."Sweatspreadsacrosshisface,eventhoughthedayiscool.Hisconfessionrunsoutinchoppybreaths,ontheheelsofmine,liketheyarelinked.

"Theguywasadealer.HegavemybrotherHCP.Mybrotherwasonlythirteenatthetime,Jenna.Hedidn'tknowanythingaboutanything.SoIwentafterthedealer.Whentheysentencedme,theysaidtheycouldn'ttoleratepeopleouttherelikeme,tryingtowieldtheirownformoflawenforcement.'Vigilantejustice,'theycalledit.Itwasn'tjustice.Thisguy'sfreeandmybrother'shooked.He'sbeeninandoutofrehabeversince."

Hepausesanddrawsinalong,shakybreath."SoIknowwhatamonsteris,Jenna,andit'snotme,andit'snotyou."Hisvoiceischoked.Itislikemyfearexposedhisown.Islidemyarmsaroundhisbackandholdhim,strummingtheknotsofhisspineandthebladeofhisshoulder,weighingtheeventsthathavemadeusbothwhowearenow.Hislipsnestleclosetomyear,andIfeelhis

laboredbreathsonmyskin."Don'ttellAllys,"hefinallywhispers."Aboutyou?"Heholdsmetighter."No.Aboutyou."

WouldTheyAskThatofSomeoneWhoWasReal?Therewerenodays.Therewerenonights.Eighteenmonthswasnothing.Anditwaseternity.Sixteenyearsofthoughttrappedincircuitry.Aspinningglassball.Shatteringinward,momentbyairlessmoment.Buteveryonesays,Don'ttell.HowcanInot?

AScienceLesson

"Catchup,Dane!"IhearthebiteinRae'svoice.Herseeminglyendlesssmileandpatiencemusthaveitsowninvisibleboundary.Daneflashesasmilefromthetopoftheravineandnods,buthisfacegoesinstantlyexpressionlesswhensheturnsaway.I'veheardaboutsociopaths,peoplewhoconnectwithnoonebutthemselvesandtheirownself-interests.ThatwouldbeDane.

IwalknexttoAllysaswemakeourwaytoacreekbedforouroutdoorscienceandethicssession.Allyschosethesite,whichsurprisesme.Shewalksdowntheinclinewithoutherbraces.

"You'redoingbetter,"Isay."Yes,thenewsoftwarewasamatch.Rightontarget.Theysaiditwould

takeafewweeks,andhereitisthreeweekslater.It'sreducedthephantompains,too."

"That'swonderful."Sheshrugs."Nottherealthing,though.Itneverwillbe.It'sapatch,that's

all.""You'rebitter?"

Shestopstorestandsmilesatme.Ithinkofthetimeshetoldme,Ilikeyou,Jenna.Herfaceissoftlikethatrightnow."DoIseembitter?"sheasks."Ihopenot.Notthattherearen'tdays.ButI'mtryingtochannelthatbitternessintodetermination.MaybeIcanmakeadifferenceforsomeoneelse.That'sall."

"Byvolunteeringintheethicsoffice?""Yes,Iguessso.Iwanttomakesurescienceisheldaccountableinthe

futuresootherswon'thavetogothroughwhatI'vebeenthrough.ButI'mgratefulforthese."Shegestureswithherprosthetics."TrulyIam.Theyaren'tperfect,butnoneofusareeverexactlywhatwewanttobe,right?"

"Right,"Ianswer."WhenIwasgoingthroughmybitterphase,mycounselortoldmewe'reall

productsofourparents,genes,orenvironmentinonewayoranother."Shebeginswalkingagain."AndImaywishIcouldchangethehandIwasdealt,butIcan't,soallIcandonowischoosehowIwillplayit.Sothat'swhatI'mdoing.PlayingitthebestIcan."

"Dane!"Raecalls.Anunenthusiastic"Coming"isheardfromabove."Speakingofgenesandabadhand,"Allyssays,glancingoverhershoulder

androllinghereyes.Istopandgrabherarm,jerkinghertoahalt."Ilikeyou,Allys."Shelooksatme,awrinklerunningacrossherforehead."Ilikeyou,too,

Jenna,"shesaysslowly.Ethanisalreadybelowsittingonarockbythecreek.Icanseehiswarninglook.

IlookbackatAllys."Ijustwantedtotellyou,"Isay."It'simportantthatyouknow."

"Sure,"sheanswers.Shetagsonanawkwardsmile.Iamanoaf.Mytimingisoff.ButIhadtogetitout.Somethingsyouhave

totell,nomatterhowstupidtheymaysound.Somethingsyoucan'tsaveforlater.Theremightnotbealater.

Wearriveatthecreekandthescatteringofbouldersthatwillbeourclassroom.Raeisthereforsupport,butAllysisteacher-collaboratorforthissession.Danefinallyarrivesandsitsonanearbyswoopingoakbranchratherthanjointhecoveyofboulderswesiton.Raewearshikingbootsandbluejeans.Theyfitherbetterthanthesuitssheusuallywears.Ilookatmyownclothes,thesimpleshirtsandslacksprovidedbyClaire.Lightblue,darkblue.Theyhavethepersonalityofaslug.

"Youcanhearfromthere,Dane?"Raeasks.

"Perfectly,"heanswers,thenaddshistrademarksoullesssmile.AllysbeginsherdiscussionwithsomereviewofthemanipulationoftheBt

bacteriumtocreatepest-resistantcrops,andtheintroductionoftransgenicanimalsintothefoodsupplydecadesago."Ofcourse,atthetime,allofthese'breakthroughs'seemedlikeagoodthing,especiallyfromaneconomicstandpoint—"

"Wehadtohikeallthewaydownheretohearthis?"Danegroans."What'sthematter?Hadtobreakasweat?"Gabrielshootsback.Iam

surprised.Gabrielavoidsconfrontation.Maybe,likeRae,hehasaboundary,too,andit'sbeencrossedtoomanytimes.DanestaresatGabrielbutdoesn'trespond,noexpressiononhismouthorinhiseyes.Adeadlook.Itismoredisturbingthanaglare.Itisimpossibletoknowwhatheisthinking.

"Iknowyouhavethepatienceofarapidlydecomposingturd,Dane,butIwillgettomyreasonformeetinghere.NotthatIneedone.Sunshineisplentyformostpeople."Allysadjustsherpositiononherrock,unawareofhowmuchsatisfactionshehasbroughttoEthanandGabriel.MaybeevenRae.

"BeforetheFSEBsteppedintoregulatesciencelabs,bioengineeredplantsandtransgenicanimalswerebeingintroducedintothefoodchainattherateofdozensofspeciesayear.Sincetheseposednodirecthealthconcerntohumans,theFDAwasapprovingtheseintroductionsatanalarmingpace.But—"

Iknowwheresheisgoing.Ishouldn'tinterrupt,butmymouthisspeakingbeforeIcandecidenotto."Butnoonelookedattheeffectsofthesenewspeciesinterminglingwithnativepopulations?That'sthedanger,isn'tit?"

"Exactly,"sheanswers."Theydidn'tevenconsiderthepossibility.That'swhyregulationiskey."

"Tomakesurewedon'tproduceanylabmonsters?"Ioffer."Onesthatmightgetoutintheworldandtainttheoriginalspecies?Isthatwhatyoumean?"Ethanstandsandleapstoanadjacentrocktogetmyattention.Hewantsmetoshutup.DoAllysandmysecretfrightenhimthatmuch?

"Well,Jenna,"sheanswers,"I'mnotsuretaintisquitetherightword.It'smorelikemakingsurenativepopulationsaren'tputatrisk.It'salreadytoolateforsomanyspecies,whichiswhytheworkoftheFederalScienceEthicsBoardisso—"

Ethanleapstoanotherrock,hishandsflyingoverhisheadatthesametime."Butthat'sthestickingpoint,isn'tit,Allys?EventheFSEBhasitsshareofscandal.Payoffs.Conflictofinterests.Sleepingwith—"

"Ethan!Whatfederalagencydoesn'thaveitsproblems?Allthethings

you'rementioningwereearlyinitshistory."Raewatchesintently.Sheseemsgratifiedthatasimplesciencelessonhas

turnedunexpectedlypassionate."Besides,"Allyscontinues,"thoseissueshavebeenworkedout.Andnow,

withouttheircarefulmonitoring,whoknowswhatlabswouldbeunleashingontheworld?"

Istand."Probablyalotofillegalthings,"Isay."Freakishthings."IwalktowardAllys."Dangerousthings."Thefreakishme,mydelivery,mytiming,everythingaboutme,off.Different.Unleashed.

"Right,"Allyssays.Shestaresatme.Quiet.Wonderingatmyopinion?Ormyawkwardstance?OrthefactthatIamonlyanarm'slengthaway,meetingherstare.Hermindisracing.WhatiswrongwithJennaFox?Somethingisdifferent.Shesensesit.Icanseeitineveryeyelash,everycontractionofherpupil.Sheissearching.Tryingtofillthegapsbetweenherownsynapses.AmIreallythatdifferentfromher?

Timeissuspended.IcanfeelthebreathofEthan,Rae,andGabriel,heldbetweenus.

"Whyarewehere?"Dane'svoicecutsthrough.AllysturnstofaceDane.Shespitsherwordsoutathim."Ashortforty

yearsago,youhopelessmoron,youwouldhavebeenunderwater.Lookatthetopofthisravine!Thiswasonceariver.Injustfortyshortyears,thankstotransgenicinterventionanditsdominoeffects,thistributaryhasbecomeamostlydrycreekbed.Sothatiswhywe'rehere,Dane.Endoflesson!"

Ilookatthesparsetrickle.Ilookatthedryboulders.Ilookatwhatsciencehasdone.

Tome.Totheravine.Andfinally,toAllys.Yes.Endoflesson.

Red

Myfingersbrushalongthehangersinmycloset.Firstmyshirts,thenmypants,allvaryingshadesofblue.Sturdy.Neat.Functional.NonewithafractionoftheflairthatIsawinRae'sclothes.Thesehavenopersonalityatall.

EvenGabriel,whowantstofadeintothebackgroundmorethananyofus,lookslikeastruttingpeacockcomparedtome.Yesterday,whenweclimbedback

outoftheravine,DaneandGabrielwerethelastonesout.Noonesawwhathappened.Daneclaimedhelosthisfooting,butitwasGabrielwhowentdown.Hisshirtwasnearlyrippedoffhisback.Backinthecar,Gabrielfumed.Heknewitwasn'tanaccident,butallhesaidwas,"Thiswasmyfavoriteshirt."Myfavoriteshirt.Itstruckmethen.Idon'thaveafavoriteshirt.Andnowsuddenlyitseemssoveryimportant.

Ipullouttwoshirtsandcomparethem.Thereisnoreasontolikeonemorethantheother.Theyalmostlooklikelabattire.TheonlythingIlikeis—

Thecolor.Amemorycatchesme.KaraandIareshoppingonNewburyStreet,runninginandoutoftiny

shopsonarainyspringday.Wefinallyhunkerdowninourfavorite.Karachidesme,Jenna,Irefusetoallowyoutobuyanotherblueskirt!Yourwholeclosetisblue!

Myfavoritecolorwasblue.AndKara'sfavoritecolorwasred.Clairemayhavehadtochoosemyclotheshastily,ormaybeshechosethem

becausetheywouldn'tdrawattention,butatleastshetriedtogetacolorsheknewIliked.Butthatdayalmosttwoyearsago,Karatalkedmeintotheredskirt.Shewasright.ItwasachangeIneeded.Whathappenedtothatredskirt?Couldn'tMotherhavepackedmyclothesandbroughtthemfromBoston?Ormaybethatwaspartofthesecret.Agravelyill,bedriddenJennawouldhavenouseforshortredskirtsorfloppyfloweredhats,orjewel-trimmedblouses,andthatinvalidpicturehadtobepreservedforpryingeyes.Besides,anew,improved,andshorterJennawouldneednewpantsanyway.Onesthatwouldn'tdragandrevealherlosttwoinches.

Iacheforthatredskirtnow.AndIacheforthedayIboughtitwithKara.

SliverThelanetoMr.Bender'shouseisquiet.Abreezerustlesgoldenleavesend

overendalongthegutter.Thesamebreezecutsacrossmyface.Itiscold,butIdon'tshiver.It'sonlyCaliforniacold,notBostoncold.MotherandFatherclaimIwillneverfeelthatcoldagain.

Maybe.

DoIreallywanttolivefortwohundredyears?Thenagain,doIwanttoliveforonlytwoeither?Isthatdecisionuptome?Iamnearlyeighteen.Eighteenwhat?Aneighteen-year-old.thingthatcanmakeachoice?IfFatherreallybelieveswhathesays,thatthereisamostimportanttenpercent,thenonedayImaymakethechoicetogotoBoston.KaraandLockeareinBoston.

Agustwhipsmyhairacrossmyface,andIstartle,stoppinginthestreet,closingmyeyesbutstillseeing,rememberingthefeeling,brushingstrandsfrommyfacetwoyearsago,thesaltiness,thecrispness,thefoamysprayofanearbycrashingwave,thesoundofgullsoverhead,thefeelingofsandbetweenmytoes.

Thesememoriesdescendoutofnowhere,givingmepiecesofwhoIwas,buttheirsignificanceislost.Isighandresumemywalk,notknowingifthismemoryisimportant,orjustmoreofthejumbledtriviaofJenna'slife,likesockshopping.Maybethatisallanylifeiscomposedof,triviathateventuallyaddsuptoaperson,andmaybeIjustdon'thaveenoughofityettobeawholeone.

Myhalf-filledmemoryispockedwithextremes:flashesofsurgicalclaritypairedwithsyrupyslowsearchesforbasicwordsanyfour-year-oldwouldknow,momentsofstartlinginsightsfollowedbyfitsofembarrassingdenseness,vastgapswhereIcan'tevenrememberwhathappenedtomybestfriends,andthenglimpsesfrommyinfancythatshouldneverberemembered.ButthenwhenIamfeelingtheleasthuman,IrememberkissingEthanandfeelingintenselyalive—morealivethanIthinktheoldJennacouldhaveeverfelt.WouldthatmakeadifferencetotheFSEB?

Indark,silentmomentsinthemiddleofthenight,alone,Icountthenumberoftimesmychestrises,watchingwithdetachedinterestthisthingthatIam,knowingmybreathsdon'ttakeinoxygen—itisonlyforshow.Iamalmostimpressedwiththerhythmofitall,inarepulsivesortofway.Andthenitleadsme,unexpectedly,backtoaplacewhereIcanalmostfeelmyfingerstouchingwhoIusedtobe.Jenna.TherealJenna.

Iwonder.Istheresuchathing?ArealJenna?Orwastheoldmealwayswaitingtobesomeoneelse,too?

Hurry.Jenna.Hurry.Kara'sandLocke'svoiceswon'tletgo.Ormaybeit'smewhowon'tletgo.IjigglethelatchonMr.Bender'sgateandswingitopen.Hishousereminds

meofThoreau'sWalden.Itislarger,butstillrusticandnatural,overgrownwithlandscape,banksofwildwhiterosestanglingacrosstheporchroof.Hedoesn'tanswerwhenIknock.Iwalkaroundtothesideanddownhislongdriveway.Iseehimexaminingawindowonhisgaragehouse.

"Hello,"Icall.Heturnsandwaves."Goodtoseeyou."Iwalkcloserandseethewindowisshattered."Youbrokeit?""Someonedid."Hesayssomeonelikeit'saname.Ilookinside.Tablesareoverturned.Paintisthrownagainstwalls.An

upholsteredstoolisslashedandthestuffingpulledoutandtossed.Butitistheaqua-coloredcarparkedwithinthatstopsme.Thedustycoverhasbeenpartiallyrippedawaytorevealanoldandobviouslyout-of-commissioncar.I'veseenthatcarbefore.ButIdon'tknowwhere.Maybeinaphoto?OrmaybeI'veonlyseenonejustlikeit.

"Didyoucallthepolice?"Iask."No.Idon'twanttogettheminvolved.""Becauseofyoursecret?""Ihavetoweightherisks.Thisisn'tworthit.Icancleanthisupinafew

hours,andthemonetarylossisn'tmorethanafewhundreddollars.Whatbothersmemostistheydidn'ttakeanything—atleastasfarasIcantell.Ihavetoolsworththousandsofdollarsinthere.Theydidn'twantthat.Justthesickpleasureofdestroyingsomethingthatbelongstosomeoneelse."LikethefirstdayImethim,helooksoffinthedistancetowardthewhitehouseattheendofmystreet,andheshakeshishead.

"Icanhelpyoucleanitup,"Isay."Notnow.Ineedacupoftea.I'lldoitlater.""MayIaskafavor,then?CanIuseyourNetbook?"Hehesitates."Mine'sbroken,"Iadd.Itisonlyasmalllie."Let'sgo."Withafewcarefullywordedinquiries,thefactsspitforthfreely.Motherand

Fatherwouldbehorrified.Iamequallyhorrified,knowingthatthisisanothersuspicionconfirmed—theyarestillkeepingsecretsfromme.Importantones.Arethereothers?NothingisdeniedbyMr.Bender'sNetbookasitwaswithmine.Hebrewsacupofteaandgivesmeprivacyasheshufflesthroughsomeproofs.Newsclipafternewsclipfillsinholesandatthesametimecreatesnewones.TheywraparoundmeinwaysIhadn'tconsidered.Ifeel...what?Mother'sbreathlessness?Theneedtolookaway?Mybioengineeredbloodpoolingatmyfeet?

Ileanbackandstareatthescreen."YouknewaboutKaraandLocke,didn'tyou?"

Mr.Bendersetsasidehisproofsandnods.Istareatthescreen,absorbingwordbywordasliverofmylifethat

changedeverything.

Inspiteofapendingcivilaction,thedistrictattorney'sofficereportsthatithasnoplansatthistimetoprosecuteJennaFox,16,daughterofMatthewFox,founderofFoxBioSystems,basedhereinBoston.Therewerenoapparentwitnessestotheaccident.PassengerLockeJenkins,also16,diedtwoweeksaftertheaccidentwithoutregainingconsciousness.KaraManning,17,thesecondpassenger,sustainedsevereheadtraumawhenshewasthrownfromthecarandasaresultcouldnotgiveinvestigatorsanyinformation.Shediedthreeweeksfollowingtheaccidentwhenherfamilyremovedlifesupport.

Myfingersshake.Ipressthekeytobringupthenextpage.

Fox,whodidn'tyethaveadriver'slicense,issemicomatoseandstillincriticalcondition.Theseverityofherburnsandinjuriesmakesitimpossibleforhertocommunicateorgiveauthoritiesanydetailsabouttheaccident.Investigatorssaytheycan'truleoutthepossibleinvolvementofasecondcar,butitappearsthathighspeedsandrecklessdrivingcontributedtothecarveeringoffRoute93andtumbling140feetdownthesteepincline.Thehydrogeninthetri-energyBMW,registeredtoMatthewFox,explodedonimpact,leavinginvestigatorslittleevidencetopiecetogethereventsfromtheeveningofthecrash.

IcloseMr.Bender'sNetbook.SomehowIknewIwouldneverseethemagain.Somethingdeepinsidemetoldmetheyweredead.How?When?Beforetheyscannedmybrain,beforetheyremovedmyten

percent,didIhearsomeoneatthehospitaltalking?DidMothersobforLocke,

thenKara,atmybedside,knowingherdaughterwasresponsibleforitall?ButIwasn't.Icouldn'thavebeenresponsible."It'snottrue,"Isay."Ididn'tdothat.Iwouldremember.""Youlosttwofriends.Youmayhaveblockeditout."Orsomeonedid.NowonderMotherandFatherwon'ttalkaboutit.Ikilledmybestfriends.

Highspeedsandrecklessdriving.TheirpreciousJennawasn'tsoperfectafterall.

Hurry,Jenna.Isthatwhythewordskeepcirclingthroughme?TryingtoremindmeofwhatIdid?Strangely,Ifeelsomething,butitisnotguilt.Doesthatmakemeamonster?

Iremember.Something.Abit.Ablacksky.Stars.Thehaloofastreetlight.Here.Throwthem.Keysflyingthroughtheair.Myhandstretchedout.

Hurry,Jenna.Aglimpseofthenighteverythingchanged.MotherandFathermayhaveblockedoutmostofit,buttheycouldn'tgetridofitall.AtattletaleneurochipdecidedIwouldgetahoodedpeekofwhatIhaddone.IsthejokeonFather,orme?

Mr.Bendersuggestsawalkinthegarden.Hefeedsthebirdsandtheypeckinhispalm.Istretchoutmypalmbriefly,butagaintheydon'tcometome.AndmaybenowIknowwhy.

OneSimpleThing

Iripopenboxes.Boxafterbox.Books.Dishes.Papers.Clothing.Keepsakes.Idumpthemout.Box.Afterbox.Afterbox.Iransack.Isearch.Ibreak.

Noneofitismine.IcollapseinthemidstofthedisasterIhavecreatedinthegarage,and

garblednoisescrawlupmythroat.Itsoundslikeananimal.Iam.Iamakeptanimal.Withnopastbutwhattheywillgiveme.AndallIwantedtodaywasonesimplething.

Aredskirt.

AnotherDarkPlace

"Floortoceiling,don'tyouthink?"Clairepointsherlasertotheceilingandrecordsthemeasurement.

"Fine,"Isay.Iwatchher,measuringfordrapesformywindow.Itakeintheanglesoftheroom,theslantoflightfloodingthroughpanesofglass,theplanesthatseparateus,theironyofdrapestocreatedarkness.

Istareather.Mymotherisanolderversionofme,butsheisalsosomethingIwillneverbe.Old.Myskinandboneswillnotage—myBioGelwillsimplyreachtheendofitsshelflifeandceasetooperate.IfIweretomarry,Iwouldnotgrowoldwithmyhusband.Icouldeitherdieaftertwoyearsoroutlivehimbyahundred.Aninterestingprospect.WhatpricedidClairepaytokeepheronlychild?

Sheseesmestaring,anditmakesherbusier.Shechatters,fillsspace,iscarefulbutdoesnotaddressmygaze.Shetreadsevenfastertokeeponthesurface,butsomehowIdon'tcountitagainsther.ShesaidthatformonthsshewasinasdarkaplaceasI.Maybestayingonthesurfacekeepsherfromreturningtoaplacewhereshecan'tbreathe.Shemeasureslengthanddepthascarefullyasasurgeonplacesascalpel,asthoughitisamatteroflifeanddeath.Maybeforheritis.

Sheisalwayscarefularoundme.Isthatwhythewordhoverscloseinmythoughts?Carefulwithhermovements,carefulwithherwords.Nothingisrelaxedbetweenus.IsshecarefulbecauseshethinksIwillbreak?Ormaybebecauseshewill.WhenIamaloneinthedarkcountingmybreaths,isshedoingthesameinthedarknessofherroom,wondering...wasitallworthit?

Now,withlightstreamingthroughthewindow,sheisbusy,determinedtogaincontroloverwhatisnatural.Eachofhermovementsislikeablow,apunch,afistkneadingsomethingintoshape.

"Accident,"Isay.Herlaserclicksoff.Shelooksatme,instantlypale,hereyessunken.

"What?""I'velearnedhowtosayit.Accident.Iassumethatwasanothersuggestion

youandFatherplanted,toneverbringuptheaccident."Shesetsherlaserdownonmynightstand.Shelooksatmeblankly.Weak.

"No,"shesays,easingherselfdowntotheedgeofmybed,"Ithinkitwassomethinginsideofyounotallowingyoutosayit."Shenodsherhead,likesheispluckingtogetherwordsshehasbeensaving."Andwedidn'twanttopushyou."

"They'redead,"Isay.Hereyesglisten.Sheholdsherarmsouttome,andIslipthroughspacelike

afeatheronacurrentofwind,effortlesslycarriedbytheforcethatisClaire.Isitonthebednexttoher,feelingherarmsholdingme,rockingustogether

inprimalrhythm."Wetriedtobringitupatthehospital,"shewhispers,herbreathandtearswarmonmycheek."Itwastoohardforyou.Youwentintodistressjusttryingtocommunicate.Shortlyafter,youslippedintoacoma.Wewereafraidthatwehadmadeitworse,pushingyoutoohard.

Wedidn'twanttomakethatmistakeagain."Shepullsawayandlooksintomyeyes."Itwasanaccident,Jenna.Anaccident.Youdon'thavetorelivethedetails."

"IsthatwhyyoublockeditallfromourNetbook?"Shenodsagain."Whenyouwokeup,youdidn'tseemtorememberit.We

didn'twantyoutocomeuponsomethingunexpectedlyandhaveasetback."Shepullsmecloseagain,myheadonherchest.Icanhearherheartbeat.

Familiar.ThesoundIheardinherwomb.Thewhoosh,thebeat,theflowthatpunctuatedmybeginningsinanotherdarkplace.Ihadnowordsforthosesoundsthen,justfeelings.NowIhaveboth.IcanrememberitasclearlyasIrememberyesterday.

Weliebackonmypillows,holdingeachotherwithouttalking,andtimebecomesaforgottendetail.Secondsandminutesstretchintoanhourormore.Idon'twanttomove.Clairestrokesmyforehead,dozing,theslantoflightthroughmypanesgrowinggolden,thendim,theafternoonpassing.

"I'msorry,"Ifinallywhisper.SorryforLockeandKara.Sorryforhermonthsofworry.Sorryforhowwehavetolivenow.Sorryforpushingheraway.SorrythatI'mnotperfect.

"Shhh,"shesays,strokingmyheadagain.Andthensheadds,"I'msorry,too."

Iseetheringofswatches,sittingonmynightstand."Theswatches,"Isay,"they'reallblue.Doyouhaveanythatarered?"

"Red?""CanIhavereddrapes?""Youcanhaveanythingyouwant.Anything."

Iclosemyeyes,pressingmyeartoherchestagain.Hearingthesounds,thepulseofClaire,theworldofmybeginnings,thetimewhentherewasnodoubtIhadasoul.WhenIexistedinawarm,velvetliquidthatwasasdarkasnight,andthatdarkplacewastheonlyplaceIwantedtobe.

Percentages

Ifoldayellowedlacetableclothandlayitinthebottomofabox."I'msorryaboutthevase.I—Iwasn'tcareful."

Lilymakesasound.Iamnotsureifitisasnortoralaugh."That'sanunderstatement."

Iheardhercursingthismorning.Iknewimmediatelywhyandranoutthebackdoor.Shehaddiscoveredmyrampageinthegaragewhensheraisedthedoortotakethecarout.

"Idon'thaveanymoney,butI'llfindawaytoreplaceit."Shedoesn'taddressmyoffer."Breakingthingsseemstobeyournew

specialty.IalmostwishIhadn'tleftthemorningyoustartedflippingplatesforyourparents."

"Itwasn'tamusing.""Notatthetime,I'msure."Icloseafilledboxandbeginfillinganother.Everythinginherebelongsto

Lily."Whyareyourthingsouthereinboxes?""Theyweresupposedtogotostorage.BeforeIcamehere,Iwas—well—I

supposeyoucouldsaythatIwasgettingoutofDodge.""Dodge?""It'sanoldsaying.Itmeansgettingoutoftownbeforethere'strouble.

ExceptthatIwasgettingoutofthecountry.Iknewyouwere—thatyourparentswouldbe—"Shesighsandshakesdirtfromacashmerefedora."Iknewthatitwasabouttime."

Time.Almostlikearebirth."Whatwasitlike?"Lilystartles."Whatdoyoumean?""Didyouseetheconstruction?"Itsoundsharsh.Itis.Itwas.Shevigorouslyshakesherhead."Oh,no.OnceIknewwhattheywereup

to,IstayedatmyplaceinKennebunk.YourmotherandIhardlytalkedduringthatperiod."

"Youdidn'tapprove."

Sheisquiet,layingthefedorainthetopofafullboxandclosingit.Shepullstwofeetoftapefromtheroll,thescreechcuttingthroughthedustysilence."Approveisprobablynottherightword,"shefinallysays."Shock,maybe.Or.fear."Shethinksforamomentlongerandadds,"Maybeapproveistherightword.Idon'tknow.Itwastheunknown."

Iunderstand.It'stheunknownthatIfear—thebitsofmemoriesthatstillhavenoconnections;theroleIplayedinKara'sandLocke'sdeaths;thevoicesthatlinger,toofresh;theconstantgameofweighingpercentages,wonderingiftenpercentofonethingcanbeworthasmuchasninetypercentofsomethingelse.Andthentheanswerthatalwaysrunsthroughmyneuronsandneurochips:unknown.

"That'sonethingMotherandFatherdidn'tplanon—theunknown.There'salotIhaven'ttoldthem."

Sheperksup,lookingalmostpleasedthatIhavefoundfaultwithMotherandFather'slittlecoup."Likewhat?"sheasks.

"Rememberingmybaptism,andevenearliermemories.""Areyousure?"Inod."Itfrightenedmeatfirst,butnow,somehowitcomfortsme.LikeI

haveeverybitofwhoIwas,maybeevenmorethantheJennaIusedtobeeverhad.MaybeitmakesupforwhatI'velost.Maybeitbalancesthepercentages?"

"Percentages!"shehuffs."Thoseareforeconomists,polls,andpoliticians.Percentagescan'tdefineyouridentity."Shestacksbooksinaboxandlooksup."Whatelsehaven'tyoutoldthem?"

IamstillmullingoverthewordidentityasIanswerher."Ihearvoices.""Youmeanmemories?"Ihesitate."I'mnotsure,"Itellher."Sometimestheyseemtoo...fresh.

Likethey'rewhisperingrightintomyear."Shestiffens."Who?"sheasks."KaraandLocke.AtleastIthinkit'sthem."Shesitsonanearbybox."Iknowaboutthem,"Isay."Iknowthey'redead.""Youremembertheaccident.""No.Ireadaboutit.ButIthinkIalreadyknew,somewhereinside.Itdidn't

shockmewhenIfoundout.Itwasmorelikeaconfirmation."Shelooksupattherafters,theair,hergazefloatingthroughthetimberslike

shehasforgottenIameventhere."Theyweregoodkids,"shesays."Ididn'tdoit,Lily."Imoveinfrontofhersoshehastolookatme."Ididn't

killthem.""Itwasanaccident,Jenna.Unintentional,howeverithappened.Onthat

muchweallagree."Inod.Butitwasmorethanjustanaccident.Theywouldhaveprosecuted

me,exceptthatIwastooinjuredforthemtobother.Ifthepolicesawmenow,whatwouldtheydo?Butitisstillmorethanthat.Itrunsthroughme,tryingtoconnect,bitsthatareloose.Neuron.Neurochip.Ididn'tkillmyfriends.OrmaybeIjustcan'tacceptthatIdid.MaybethatwouldmarkJenna'spermanentfallfromperfection.Igatherthreescatteredbooksfromthefloorandstufftheminthebox.

Lilystands,holdingtheflapsshutwhileItapeit."Whyareyoutellingmeallthisandnotyourparents?"

I'msurprisedshewouldask.Isshetestingme?Webothknowtheanswer.BecauseIalwayshave.Iremembertheweekends,takingthetraintoherhouse.Planningallthe

thingsIwouldshare,alltheevents,worries,andmistakesIkeptfromMotherandFather.IsavedthemforLily,becauseshewouldlisten.Sometimesapersongetstiredofbeingfixedallthetime.Whereeverylittleproblembecomesaproject.Whereeveryshortcomingneedstobeaddressed.Theyeventuallyhavetosharewithsomeone.MysomeonewasLily.

"Iseemtorememberthatyouhadahightoleranceforlisteningwithoutmeltingdownoverthecontent."Ipulloffalastsectionoftapeandstickittotheflap."Itwearsonaperson,youknow,alwayshavingtobeperfect.Youknowthatonedaysomethingwillhappen,someproblemthatwon'tfitintoaneatlittleproject.Somethingthatcan'tbefixed.Thenwheredoesthatleaveyou?"

Shedoesn'thesitate."Youbecomemortalliketherestofus,"shesays.Sheturnsaway,busyingherselfwithmoreofthemessIhavecreated.Icouldalmostfeelsorryforher.Iseethelinesheisdancing.ItisthesameoneIhavedancedwitheversinceIsawbluegelbeneathmysplitflesh.

"Youneverdidtellme,"shesays."Whatwereyoulookingforwhenyouturnedintoahumantornado?"

Itisacasualslip,nothingmore.Ishouldn'tattributemuchmeaningtoit,butstill,Inoticethewordhuman.Iwouldgladlybeahumantornado.

"Somethingtowear,"Ianswer."Thefedoraissomethingtowear.""IwaslookingforaredskirtIusedtohave.""Itmusthavebeensomeskirt."

"Itwas.IboughtitwhenIwasshoppingwithKara.""Oh."Themeaningoftheskirtechoesinthesinglesyllable."IwantedachangefromalltheblueshirtsandpantsIhavenow.Ithoughtit

mightbeouthere,butIguessClaireleftallofmystuffinBoston.Moreappearances,Isuppose."

"Probablysomethinglikethat."Ibeginsweepingscrapsintoadustpanandchangethesubject."Andyou

neverdidtellme—howdidalltheseboxesenduphere?""Adetour,"shesaysfrowning."Clairecalledme.Thehousesituationhad

becomeaproblem.Shewasfrantic.Theplacetheyhadoriginallyplannedonhadn'tworkedoutatthelastminute.Butthenyourfatherhadanoldchildhoodfriend,Edward,whomheknewhecouldtrust.Edwardtoldhimaboutaplacenearhimthatwasperfect—therightclimate,outoftheway,roomy,alittlerun-down,butotherwisejustwhatyourparentsneeded.Excepttheydidn'twantownershiptracedtothemoryourfather'sbusiness.Theywereinahurry,soIwasthequickestsolution.ClaireandIhaveneverhadthesamelastname,andnoonekeepstabsonwhatIdoanyway.SoIboughtitforthem."

"Buyingitdidn'tmeanyouhadtocomehere.""Sheasked.No,correction.Shebegged.Shesaidsheneededme.Shewas

scared.AndIfiguredthatnomatterwhatIthoughtaboutthewholething,sheismydaughter.Myonlydaughter."

SoLilyisunderClaire'sspell,too.She'snotthatdifferentfromme.Lilylooksup,squints,thenshakesherhead."Mightaswelltellyoutherest.

Iwasalsodraftedaspartoftheescapeplan—ifitbecamenecessary.""What?""Theyneededanescapeplanincasetheauthoritiescaughtupwiththem.So

whileyourparentsprovidesubterfuge,IamtowhiskyoutoEdward,whointurnwillhelpwhiskbothofusoutofthecountry.ThechoicewasItaly,sincetheydon'thavethesamerestrictivelawsasusandtheclimatewouldworkwellforyou."

Whiskme.LikeIamapieceofdustdepositedinadustpan,"Whydidn'ttheyjustwhiskmeouttobeginwith?"

"Whydoyourparentsdoanyofthethingstheydo?Theywantitall.Andiftheycangetawaywithit,theywill."

Inotehertake.Gettingawaywithit."It"beingme,andmebeingillegal.Andnowagainstherwill,sheiscaughtupinsomethingshedoesn'tbelieveinandisagainstthelaw.Howfarwillaparentgoforachild?

"Well,justwherewouldyouberightnowifyouweren'tstuckinthislovelylittleresort?"

Shesmiles."Iwasonmywaytoafriend'svillanearMontalcinoinTuscany.Aniceenoughplacetodropout.TheyofferedittomeforaslongasIwanted.Iwasevengoingtotrymyhandatwinemaking."

Lily'sownlittleWaldenneverrealized.Forthis."SoyoutradedanItalianvillaandwineforacrumblingCotswoldandanillegallabpet.You'renotverygoodattrades,areyou,Lily?"Sheemptiesadustpanofbrokenglassintothetrashandlooksatmestraighton,briefly,thenbangsthedustpanagainstthecantogetoffallthelastparticles."Idookay,"shesays.

Thecleanupisdone.Thereisnobusynesstokeepushere.Westandthereuncomfortably.Ourreasonforworkingtogetherhas

ended,andIstillwantsomuchmorefromLily.Theoafishout-of-stepmesurfaces,andIcrossthethinlinewedance.

"WouldIhavewantedthis,Lily?WouldtheJennayouknewhavewantedwhatIamnow?"InaninstantIamdesperatelyafraidbecauseIhavecrossedaboundary.Ablack-and-white,yes-and-noone.

"Thatdepends,Jenna,"shesays."Whatareyounow?"Theblack-and-whiteanswerIwasexpectingswirlsintomurkygray."I

don'tknow.""Well,untilyoucananswermyquestion,Ican'tansweryours."

Identity

Identityn.1.Theconditionofbeingoneselfandnotanother.2.Thesenseofselfprovidingsamenessandcontinuityovertime.3.Exactlikenessinnatureorqualities.4.Separateordistinctexistence.5.Thequalitiesofapersonthatmakethemdifferentfromothers.Icheckthemoff.Differentfromothers.Isoneyesoutoffiveenough?Lilysayspercentagesandpoliticianscan'tdefineidentity,butthey've

definedmine:illegallabcreation.ThehandthatIhavebeendealt.Isthiswhat

Allysmeant?Allysissosureofherself.Soconfident.ShecallsDaneadecomposingturd

withoutblinking.Withoutknowingit,shecallsmealabpet.WhyamIsodrawntosomeonewhocoulddestroyme?WhydoIneedhertobemyfriend?

Thedictionarysaysmyidentityshouldbeallaboutbeingseparateordistinct,andyetitfeelslikeitissowrappedupinothers.

TheUnknowableAretheresomethingsIwillneverknow?TheunanswerableIwillhavetoaccept?HaveIchangedthewayeveryonedoes,timeandeventsmoldingme?OramIanewJenna,theproductoftechnology,changedbywhatwasputinormaybewhatwasleftout?Andifmyoriginaltenpercentreallyisenough,whatifithadbeenninepercent?Oreight?Isonenumeralthatdifferentfromanother?Whenisacellfinallytoosmalltoholdouressence?Evenfivehundredbillionneurochipsaren'ttellingme,andI'mnotsuretheyeverwill.Thequestionthattwistsinsidemeagainandagain—amIenough?—Irealizeforthefirsttime,isnotjustmyquestion,butwastheoldJenna'squestionaswell.

AndIthinkaboutEthanandAllysandevenDane,

andIwonderhasiteverbeentheirownquestion,too?

Environment

"I'mleavingtopickupyourfather.I'llbebacksoon,"Clairecallsfromthebottomofthestairs.

Ihearherleave.Thehouseisempty.LilyhasgonetoSundayMass.Ihaveneverbeenlefthomealonebefore.Aretheybeginningtotrustme?Ilookoutthewindowattheverandabelow.Therailingshaveallbeenreplacedandthebrickwallsrepaired.TheCotswoldisbeginningtolookmorelikeahouseandlesslikearuin.Claire'smagicisworking.Daybyday,itimproves.Theupstairsroomsremainempty,buttheyareatleastcleannow,thespiderwebsallswipedaway.

I'vebeencleaningmyownroomtoday.Clairedoesnotemployhousekeepersanymore,notlikeshedidinBoston.Shedoesnotwantpryingeyesorears.Whenaworkmanmustcome-inside,shefollowshimandhovers.Notaminuteisgivenforfreewandering.

Thereisnotmuchtoclean.Myroomisstillsparse."Itislifenearthebonewhereitissweetest,"Isaytothewalls.Iamusemyselfwithmycleverness.IrunaclothovermydeskandchairandIamdone.

IpickupmycopyofWalden,nowuploadedwordforwordintomybiochips,butthereisstillsomethingdifferentaboutopeningarealbook,thescentthatemerges,seeingonewordatatimeandsoakinginitsshapeandnuance.IwonderaboutthingslikethesoundsandscentsthatsurroundedThoreauashewroteeachsentenceandparagraph.

Turningpages,feelingthepaper,IwonderifanyofthetreesfromThoreau'sforestarestillaliveandwonderwhatThoreauwouldthinktodayifhecouldvisitmysmallpondandeucalyptusgrove.Iwonderif,unlikeThoreau,twohundredyearsfromnowImightstillbeabletovisitmypondandforest.WhenIturnthepagesofthebookandreadthewordsandthespacesbetween,Ihavetimetothinkaboutthesethings.ThoughtslikethesearenotwrittendownoruploadedintomyBioGel.Thesethoughtsareminealoneandnooneelse's.Theyexistnowhereelseintheuniversebutwithinme.

I'mstoppedbythisnewthought.WhatifIhadneverhadthechancetocollectandbuildnewmemories?BeforeIcanthinkwhatIamsaying,Ihear

myselfwhispering"thankyou"totheair.Iamthankful,grateful,inspiteofthecost,tobehere.HaveIforgottenthehellItraveled,orarethesenewmemoriesacushionsofteningitssharpness?

IreturnWaldentothecenterofmydeskandtakemydustclothtomyclosettodropitinthelaundrybin.Clairewillprobablybehomesoon.Iglanceatthecornerofmycloset.Thekey.Almostforgotten.Iamchilledagain,rememberingFather'sfacewhenImentionedit.Ibenddownandpullbackthecornerofcarpet.It'sstillthereandIsnatchitintomyfistlikeitmightdisappear.Iwalktothetopofthestairsandleanoverthebanister.

"Claire?Lily?"Here!Jenna!Istartle,almostdroppingthekey.Ifreezeonthelanding.

Listening.Butthehouseisquiet.WasitonlyavoiceIremember?Igripthekey,steppingonthefirststair.IalreadyknowwhatisinMother's

closet.Onlycomputers.Butitwasdark.MaybetherewassomethingelseIdidn'tnotice.WhatwouldFatherbeafraidformetosee?Somethingpoundswithinme,somethingatmycore,butIknowitisnotaheart.Itakeanotherstep,andanother,untilIamstandingatMother'sdoor.

Afterthestrideswehavemade,thetendermomentswehaveshared,isthisbetrayal?Ilookovermyshoulder,backdownthelongemptyhallway."Mother?"Myvoiceisstrungtight.Hearingitdeepensthepoundingwithin.Thewallsofthehallwaypulsewiththestillness.Ipushopenherdoor.

Theroomisbright,airy,nothingtobeafraidof.Iwalkin,hearingtheawkwardshuffleofmyfeetonthefloor.Jenna.Istop.Mybreathcatchesagain,andmynailsdigintomypalm.Istepclosertothecloset.IremembertheworriedflashofFather'seyesagain,andIthrustthekeyintothelock,turningthebolt,throwingthedooropen.

Thetableisstillthere.Andthecomputers.Andthefaintgreenglow.ThistimeIfindthelightswitchontheoutsidewallandIpushiton.Iwalk

in.Theroomisordinary.Thewallsplain.Ilookatthefloor,theceiling,underthetable.Thereisnothingelseinherebutthethreecomputers.Mineisstillinthemiddle,oneoftheboltsstillloose.Istepforwardandalmosttouchitbutpullback.

Idon'trememberhavingmyowncomputerinBoston.ButImusthavehadonebecausemynameisclearlymarkedonthesidepanel.Thecomputerislargeandoddlyshaped,notlikeanyIhaveeverseen,asix-inchsquarewithtwoports,

bothunused.Thereisnomonitor.Thishastobeit.Thisiswhattheydon'twantmetosee.

Istandthere,staring,tryingtodecide.Trustthem.Ortrustawhisperinsideofme.

IfIcouldgetitloose,IcouldconnectittomyNetbookupstairsandseewhatitcontains.Ireachdownandtouchmyfingertipstomyname.JENNAANGELINEFOX.Myfingerstingle.Whyhere?

Theothertwodon'thavelabels.Maybetheyaremine,too?Ilaymyhandonthefirstone.Now!Hurry!

Ijerkaway.Myheadpounds.Itouchthesecondcomputer,wonderingatitspurpose,andthenIsquat.

Therearelabels.Faintandhastilyscrawledwithapen.L.JENKINS,andK.MANNING.What?MykneesbuckleandIfalltothefloor.Whatare—How—Whydid—My

thoughtstripandcutoneanotheroff.Istandupandstepback,lookingatthethreeoddlyshapedboxes.WhywouldMotherandFatherhavetheircomputers?Irunfromtheclosetdownthehallwaytothekitchen,whereLilykeepsadrawerofbasictools.Irummagethroughforascrewdriver.Thereisnoquestionnow.Iknowwhototrust.IfindalargeflatscrewdriverandrunbackacrossthehousetoMother'sroom.Minefirst.Thentheothers.I'llconnectthemalltomyNetbook.I'lluploadthecontentsandseeformyself.I'llupload—

Istopmidwaydownthehallway.IseeFather'seyes.Mother'sdesperateglance.Adarklockedclosetandhiddenkey.Upload.

Wecrackedthecode,Jenna.Thescrewdriverslipsfrommyfingers.Nanobotsthesizeofbloodcellsareinjected,sometimesevenwithouta

person'sknowledge.Myfeetstumbleforward.Thinkofaglassballtwirlingonyourfingertip....Thewallssway.Mother'sdoorlooms.Themindisanenergythatthebrainproduces....Igriptheframeoftheclosetdoortosteadymyself.Youhavetokeepitspinningoritfallsandshatters....Istareatthethreehummingboxes....weuploadthosebitsofinformationintoanenvironmentthatallowsthat

energytokeepspinning....Correction.Environment.Istareatthreehummingblackenvironments.

Hell.Hurry,Jenna.Come.Ican't.Ibackaway.Backups.Ofcourse.AndIrun.

SharedThoughts

Theflooroftheforestisdamp.Theblanketofeucalyptusleavesrustlesbeneathme.Ihavebeenlyinghereforhours,listeningtothesounds.Therearefew.TheleavesswishingbeneathmewhenIturnmyheadormovealeg.Thesighingcreakofbranchesandlimbswhenthebreezepushesthemfartherthantheywanttogo.Theoccasionalhollowcawofoneraventoanother.ThefaintdesperatecryofClairecalling"Jenna!"wonderingwhereIhavegone.

Iholdmyhandsaboveme,myfingersfanningoutinadelicateperformance,mypalmscomingtogether,warmandsmooth.Itisrealskin.Realmovement.Thestructurelistenstomyneurochips.WhenIthinkclap,myhandsobey,andthefrenziedclapsechothroughtheforest.Mybrain.Idohavetenpercent.Thebutterfly,Mothercalledit.Mywingedbitofhumanity.Afewouncesatmost.IfIbelieveinsuchathingasasoul,didittakeflightwithaglisteninghandfuloftissue?Doesthesoulclingtothelastvestigeofhumanityuntilthereisnomore?Ifasoulcanresideinafistfulofembryo,whynotinafistfulofwhitematter?

Icupmypalm,imaginingabutterflylandinginit,feelingtheflutterandlife,andIgotoasleeping,remembering,dreamworld.Idreamofgolden-wingedbutterflies,redskirts,lopsidedcakes,andEthan'smouthonmyown.

WhenIwake,therickrackofskyvisibleabovethecanopyhasgonefromceruleantoblack.Thetopsofthetreesarebarelyvisible,onlyasliverofmoontolighttheiredges.

"Jenna!"Mother'sdistantsearchingvoiceispitiful.Ihavetogoback.Eventually.ButnotuntilIunderstandonething.Whichis

therealme?Theoneintheclosetortheonehereontheforestfloor?

Backup

TheyaresittingontheverandaasIemergefromtheforest.LeavingthebackdooropenasIranoutmusthavegiventhemacluetomydirection.Inanothertime,Motherwouldhavecalledthepolicebynow,butthatisnotanoptionanymore.Motheristhefirsttoseeme.Shebeginstostand,butFatherreachesoutandshesitsagain.Lilysipsaglassofwine.

Walkingtowardthem,IfeellikeIaminterruptingacandlelitdinnerpartyinsteadofafrightenedvigil.LilypassesMotheraplatterofstuffedmushrooms.Ifeelanannoyedrufflerunthroughme.

"It'salittlelate,don'tyouthink?"Fathersayscasually.Hetakesabiteofcheeseandthennonchalantlywashesitdownwithaswigofwine.Hiseyesareangry,glassy,buthismovementsarepracticedrestraint.

"Nottoolate,"Ianswer."Wecan'tkeeplivingthisway,Jenna,"Motherblurtsout.Fathershootsheraglance.Lilyrollshereyes."Welcomehome,Father,"Isay.Ireachoutforamushroomandbefore

anyonecanstopme,Ipopitinmymouth.Allthreestareatme,theimperviousJennaFox,atthecenterofattention

onceagain.Wherearethecameras?Iplaythescenewithanexaggeratedbow."Dammit,Jenna!"Fatherslamshishanddownontheglasstabletop,rattling

thedishes."You'renotthefirstpersonintheworldtohavetodealwithadisablingaccident!"

"Iknow,Father."Isitdowninthechairoppositehim."There'sthosethreepeopleinthecloset,too.Theonesintheblackboxes?

Nowthat'swhatIcalladisability."Lilygrunts."Touché."Andshedownstherestofherwine."Jenna,wehavetotalkaboutthesethings,"Mothersays."Youcan'tjustrun

offandworryuseverytimeyouhitabump.""Ididn'thitabump.Youbothhiditfromme.""Theyaren'tpeople,"Fathersays."Haveanother,"Lilyoffers,holdingouttheplatterofmushroomstome."Wedidn'thideitfromyou,"Mothersays."Didyouhearme?""Behindalockeddoorishidden.""ShallIopenanotherbottle?"

"Whatdoyouexpectwhenyou'reactinglikethis?""Stop!"Iyell.Ican'tkeepupwiththetangledconversation."I'llopenanother,"Lilysays.Sheshufflesofftothehousewhilewesitat

thetable,usingthesilencetoregroup.Motherliftsherhairoffhershouldersandblowsatthewispsonherforehead.TheshiftingSantaAnawindshavemadeitunseasonablywarmforMarch.Fatherturnshisglass,suddenlysointerestedinhiswine,hisbrowscreasing,hisconcentrationholdinghisemotionsback.Iseehislipspulltight,likeaseamwithinhimissplitting.

"Let'sstartatthebeginning,"Mothersayssoftly.:"Whatwereyoudoinginmycloset?"

"Let'sstartmoreatthebeginning,"Isay."Whyisthereacomputerinyourclosetwithmynameonit?"

"It'sabackup,Jenna,"Fathersays,inhisusualcut-the-crapvoice."Wehadtosavetheoriginalupload."

IcanhardlyseeFatherashecontinuestoexplain.Icanonlyrememberaplacewithnodimension,nodepth,noheat,nocold,butimmeasurableamountsofdarknessandsolitude.AnotherJennaisstillthere.

"Wealreadytoldyouthatthisisunchartedterritory.Wedon'tthinkanythingwillgowrong,butifitdoes,wehaveabackupjustincase.Butitcan'tbeapartofanyNetwork.It'stoorisky.SowekeepthebioenvironmentcompletelyindependentofallNetworksandpowersources."

Istand,holdingmyarms,walkingincircles,shakingmyhead."Jenna—""Whatareyoudoing?Youhaveanothermetrappedinthatenvironment!

AndKaraandLocke!"Fathershiftsinhisseat.Hisshouldershunchawkwardly."It'snotanother

youorthem,andtrappedisn'tagoodwordtouse.It'sonlybitsofinfor—""It'samind.Yousaidsoyourself.""Butit'samindwithoutanysensoryinput.It'slikelimbooradreamworld.""Trustme,it'snotadreamworld.Notbyalongshot.It'smorelikea

nightmare."Icollapsebackintomychairandclosemyeyes."Jenna,it'sonlybeenafewmonths,"Clairesays."Giveussometimeto

workthisout.We'restilltryingtothinkitthroughourselves.That'sallweask.Justgiveussometime."

Sheisnotlistening.Neitherofthemare.Theydon'twanttobelievethattheplaceIoccupiedforeighteenmonthswasanythinglessthanadreamywaitingroom.AndtimeisallI'vegiventhem.Time.Months.Years.Alifetimeofbeing

theirs.WillatimecomewhenIcaneversayno?DoIevenhavetime?Ineedabackupbecausesomethingcouldgowrong?Iamsuddenlyawareofmyquiveringhandsandthetremorinmyleg.

"Whatcouldgowrong?"Iask.Ithadn'toccurredtomethatIcouldsuddenlyblinkintonothingnesslikeacrashedcomputerwithnoteventwoyearsuseduponmyshelflife.Thattwoyearsseemssopreciousnow—alifetime.Idon'twanttobe...gone.MyinsidestightenandIfeelbreathless.Breathlessfromsomeonewhohasnolungs.ShouldIlaughorcry?

IfeelFathergrabmyhandsinhis,andIopenmyeyes."Wedon'tthinkanythingwillgowrong,Angel.Butwedon'thaveanylong-termdataforaprojectofthismagnitude.TheBioGelhasonlybeeninuseforeightyearsandthenit'sonlybeenusedforisolatedorgantransplants,notasanentirenervoussystem.TheproblemmightbeifthereareconflictsbetweenyouroriginalbraintissueandtheBioGel,signalsthatmightcreatealmostanantibodyeffect,withonetryingtooverridetheother.Wehaven'tseenityetandwedon'texpectto,butscenarioslikethatarewhywehavebackups.Justincase."

Blink.Gone.Idon'twanttoblinkoutofexistence.Imagesflashthroughme.Ethan's

stormyeyes.Mr.Bender'ssparrows.Allyssmiling.Claireholdingherarmsouttome.Theforestandskythatmesmerizedmeforhours.Newimagesfrommynewlife.Imagesthatarenotinmybackup.That'sadifferentJenna.IwanttokeeptheJennaIamnow.

"Herewego."Lilyplopsanotherbottleofwinedownonthetableandplacesanextraglassinfrontofme.

"Haveyoulostyourmind,Lily?"Fathersays."It'snotlikeshecangetdrunk.""Butitstill—""Leaveit,Matt,"Mothersays."Pourup,Lily,"Isay,liftingmyglass.Shedoes,andFatherdoesn'tsayanotherword.Idon'tgetdrunk,butIdofeelitwarmmyinsides.Howeverprimitivemy

digestivesystemmaybe,itseemstoappreciateLily'seffort,evenifthewineistasteless.

"WhyaretherebackupsforKaraandLocke?"Iask."Itwasme,"Mothersaysassherubshertemple.Shetakesanothersipof

herwineandlooksoutacrossthepond."Wehadalreadyscannedyou.Wehadhope.Butafewdaysafterwehadmovedyou,Ihadtogobacktothehospitalto

retrievesomeofyourbelongingsandIsawKara'sandLocke'sparentsandtheagonytheyweregoingthrough.Ibeggedyourfathertoscanthem,too,incasetheydidn'tmakeit."Shesighsandlooksbackatme."Sohedid."

I'mashamedasIlookatthepainetchedonMother'sface,andyetangry,too,becauseofamissingscaronmychinandtwolostinchesandaperspectiveIwillneverseefromagain.Theangrymeoverridestheshamedone.Iamentitled,afterall,theentitledJenna.Imixinsomesarcasm,too,soIgetthefullvalueIhavecomingtome."Andwherearetheirnew-and-improvedbodies?"

"Therearenone,"Fathersays."RightafterIscannedthem,thepolicereportontheaccidentcamebackandtheirparentswouldn'teventalktous,muchlessletusgetclosetoKaraandLocke.Lockediedafewdayslater,andwecouldn'tevengetsomethingassimpleasaskinsample.Theycrematedhisbody.SamethingwithKara.Shewasmovedtoanotherfacility,andweweren'tallowedaccess.Wedon'tevenhaveanyoriginalDNA.Nothingtobuildfrom.Theywillneverhavenewbodies."

Ifeelsharpness,likearazorisslicingthroughme,cuttingonepartawayfromanother,apartthatcanneverbestitchedorputbacktogether.KaraandLocke,forevernothereorgone."Howlongdoyouplanonkeepingthem?"

"Wedon'tknow.""Aslongaswecan.""Aslongascharges—""Indefinitely.""Atleastuntil—""Theremaycomeatimewhenwecanusetheirscans.""Fortheaccident.Somethingtheyknowmighthelp.Wehavetokeepthem

aslongasthereisapossibility—""Witnesses?"Isay."You'rekeepingthemaswitnesses?""Notthem,Jenna.It'sonlyuploadedinformation."IsthatallIwas?Allthosemonths,mythoughtscrammedintoaformless

world?Onlybitsofinformation?Andifthat'sallIwasthen,amIanymorethanthatnow?Ijusthavebetterpackaging.Doesthetenpercentoforiginalbrainreallymatter?Mywholebrainwasscannedanduploaded.Thefleshyhumanhandfulseemsmorelikeasentimentaltoken.OrdoesitreallycommunicatemyhumanitytotheneuralchipsinmysteriouswaysevenFatherdoesn'tunderstand?

Onlyuploadedinformation.KaraandLockeinthatdarkworldforever.CanIlivewiththat?

"Somethingtheyknowmighthurtme,too,"Isay.Noonecomments.Weall

knowthatopportunitywouldnevertranspire.AnythingbadKaraandLockemighthavetosayaboutJennawouldneverbeheard.Theyarebeingsavedonlyincasetheycouldhelpme.Ireachouttorefillmyglass,andLilystopsme.

"You'vehadenough,"shesays.

AndIsupposeIhave.IlookatMother.HereyesdartfromFathertomeandbackagain,jumping,

caughtlikeahookedfish.Caughtbetweentwoworldsagain."It'sforyou,Jenna."Andnowwe'vecomefullcircle.Aswealwaysdo.

"Everyonehastodieeventually,"Isay.Fatherliftsthebottleofwine.Heholdsitinfrontofthecandletojudgeits

remainingcontents.HeemptieshalfintoMother'sglassandhalfintohisown.Hetakesaleisurelysip.

"Nomore,"hesays.

TossingIdon'tsleep.Iholdontomybed.Thebackupsmustgo.Myfingersdigintomysheets.Iwantsleep.Forget.Meltintonight.But.Whatifsomethinggoeswrong?Imayneedthem.Itisonlyinformation.Limbo.Dreamland.That'sall.AndifItryhardenoughmaybeIcanforgetthedarkplacewhere

they

weare.

ViewpointItisarareday.Raeisteachingalesson.Inherownway.Iamtired.Butfidgety.Mylackofsleepdidnotmeritmystayinghome

fromschool.MotherandFatherhaveadistortedsenseofnormalcy."Youwantedtogo.Youwillgo.Itwillbegoodforyou."

WewatchNetNewscoveringasessionofCongress.Asenatortalks.Andtalks.Itisthelongestfilibusterinhistory.SenatorHarrisisbreakingtherecordofSenatorStromThurmondsetbackin1957.Noonehasbeensolong-winded—ordriven—untilnow.Hehasbeendroningonnowfortwenty-fivehoursandthirty-twominutes,onehourandfourteenminutespastThurmond'srecord.Forthis,Raehascommandeeredthefloor.Forthis,evenMitchhasjoinedusintheclassroom.MitchmimicsRae'snodsandsighssothereisnodoubt.Thisishistoric.

IsitbetweenEthanandAllys,focusedontheirpresencebesideme.IwanttoleanoverandwhisperinEthan'searinonebreathandweavemyfingersintoAllys'shandinthenext,andIdon'twanttolistentothesenatoratall.Iwanttodefinemyplaceintheirworldsandnottrytounderstandthedefinitionsthesenatorspewsforthabouthisown.RightnowIfeeltheoverload—likeIcouldburstintwowithneedingfriendshipononesideofmeandloveontheother.ThesearethedefinitionsIneedtorefine.

Danesitsbehindme.Ifeelhistaponmychair.Tap.Tap.Iamhere.Iamhere.Iameverything.Payattention.Andthesenatordroneson.AndRaebeams.Glows.Historic.Payattention.Tap.Tap.Allys.Ethan.Ido.

Myworldistoocomplicated.People.Politics.Self.Therulesofitall.Andtryingtounderstand.Itfeelslikeafugueandmydrunkenfingersaretangledtryingtoplayit.Play,Jenna.Listen.Thesenatorglistens.Inoticehisbeadsofsweatandhandkerchiefmorethanhiswords.Now,myfellowcitizens.Now.Beforeitistoolate.IwatchAllysmorethanthesenator.Sheleansforwardinherseat.Herheadnods.Yes.Iturnmyheadtotheright.ToEthan.Heslinksback.No.No.

AndDanetaps.

Taps.Doesshelikeme?Wouldsheifsheknew?Thesenatorswipeshisforehead."ForGod'ssake,"hecries.Dowedarego

downthatpath?Myfellowlawmakers.Myesteemedsenators.Canwetakethatchance?"

Hebreathes.Asigh.Aperiod.Thereisaroar.Anapplause.Onlyafewclapsfromthesenatorswhoare

stillpresentandawake.TheroarisfromAllys.AndIamnotsurewhatitisevenaboutbecauseforthelasthourIhavebeenconsumedwithaneedthatisdifferentfromRae'sorAllys'sorthesenator's,andIamaloneinmyneed,andthereisnoonewhocanunderstand.Beinga"first"doesn'tfeelsogroundbreaking.

"Magnificent!""Historic!""Boring."Thelast,predictably,fromDane."Twenty-fivehours,forty-sixminutes!"Ishouldhavepaidattention.Whensomeonespeaksforovertwenty-five

hours,itmustbeimportant.Itmustmatter.ItmatterstoAllys."Willitmakeadifference?"AllysasksRae."Ofcourse,"Raesays."Maybenotinwaysanyofusexpect.Butitwillnot

beforgotten.Everyvoiceleavesanimprint.""Especiallyonethathastalkedforsolong,"Mitchadds."Buthowwilltheyvote?"Allysasks."We'llhavetowaitandsee,"Raeanswers."Voteonwhat?"Iask.Allysfrowns.Ihavenotpaidattention,andsheishurtthatsomethingthat

matterssomuchtoherhasslippedpastme.ItrytomakeupforitbyfocusingonRae'sexplanation.

"AbillisbeforeCongress,"Raeexplains,"andSenatorHarrishasbeentryingtopersuadehisfellowsenatorstovoteagainstit.Bytalkingforsolong,hehashopedthatitwillgivesomechancefortheoppositiontomakeastrongercase,swayotherstotheirpointofview."

"Whatisthebill?"Iask.EthanlayshisheaddownonhisdeskandcloseshiseyesasRaeexplains."ThebillistheMedicalAccessAct,whichwillputallmedicaldecisions

andchoicesbackintothehandsofphysicianandpatient.ItwillcuttheFSEBentirelyoutoftheprocess."

"Andhethinksthatisbad?""Weren'tyoulistening,Jenna?Ofcourseit'sbad!"Allysdoesn'ttrytohide

herdisappointmentinme."IftheFSEBhadbeeninexistencefiftyyearsago,Imightnotbestuckwithallthishardware.Mytoesmightactuallyfeelliketoesandnotnumbed-upsausages!Andthisisn'tjustallaboutme.LookattheAureusepidemicandthemillionswhomightnothavedied.AndnowCongressistryingtolimititspower?Next,they'llwantthemoutofalltheresearchlabs!Godhelpusifthathappens!"

"But,"Mitchsays,"thecounterargumentisthattheFSEBisabureaucraticfinancialdrainthatoftenimpedeslifesavingmeasures."

"It'sthetechandpharmaceuticalcompanieswhoarebehindit,"Allyssays,ignoringMitch'scomment."They'vebeenlobbyinglikecrazy.ThebigoneslikeScribtech,MedWay,andespeciallyFoxBioSystems—"Click.Allyshesitatesforthebriefestsecond,hereyesflickeringoverme,beforeshefinisheshersentence.Probablyamillisecondnooneelsenotices."They'vepouredbillionsintogettingthisbillpassed."

Andwiththatlastsentence,shesitsdown.Sheissuddenlydonetalkingaboutthebill.Raecontinueswiththelesson,tryingtoprodustoshareouropinions,butanunexpectedblankethascomedownonus.Mitchleaves.RaeturnsofftheNetandsayswewilltalkmoreafterlunch.Maybefoodwillperkusup.

Wewalktothemarketacrossthestreetandsitatourusualcornertable.InoticeAllys'sfaceisdamp,withadullyellowpallor,whileherhandsremainacool,creamyprostheticpeach.Whensheswallowsherpills,theyseemtocrawldownherthroat.Shetakesanothersipofwater,tryingtocoaxthemdown,thenanother.Shestaresatme.Istareback.Shenibblesatherfood,thenpushesitaway.Ethanlooksbackandforthbetweenus,hislegjigglingandshakingthetable.

"You'reJennaFox,aren'tyou?"shefinallysays."Brilliant."Ethanjumpsinmuchtooquickly."How'dyoufigurethatout?

Maybefromhertellingyouthefirstdayshemetyou?""Don'tsmooththingsoverforme,Ethan,"Isay.Hislegstopsjiggling,and

hedrawsinadeeppleadingbreath.Allysshakesherhead."It'sallcomingtogether.Mostpeopledon'tpay

attentiontothatkindofnews,butworkingintheethicsoffice,Ihearitall.Iremembersomethingaboutadaughter,"shesays."Ishouldhaveputittogetherwhenyoutoldmeyouwereinanaccident.You'rethedaughterofMatthew

Fox.""Wouldthatmakemetheenemy?"Iask."No____""But?"Ethanshakeshisheadeversoslightly."Jenna,"hewhispers."Theysaidhisdaughterwasinanaccident.Onethatmostprofessionals

believedwasnotsurvivable.""AtleastwiththeFSEB'scurrentpointsysteminplace,right?""That'sright.""Well,thenmaybeI'mnother,afterall.JennaFoxisacommonname.""Maybenot,"shesays."Becauseifyouwereher,thatwouldmean..."She

trailsoff,deliberatelyleavingaspaceforustofallinto.Iseeit.Ethandoesn't."What?"heblurtsout."You'dhavetoruntoyourlittlesquadronofFSEB

bureaucratsandreporther?"Allyssitsback.Hereyesnarrowingonme,thenEthan.Shepullsoffher

prostheticarmandrubsthestump.Itisredandscarredandugly."Yougivemetoomuchcredit,Ethan.Ican'trunanywhere.Icanonlyhobble.Obvious,isn'tit?"

Shereturnsherprostheticarmtoherstump,wincingatthemomentarypinchofthemagneticfieldsthatholdittight.Shetestsherfingers,onebyone."I'mbeginningtoforget,Ithink.Whattheyeverfeltlike.Itscaresme,whatsciencecando."Shepushesawayhersandwich."Iguess,rightalongwithmyfingers,I'velostmyappetite."Shestands.NeitherEthannorIstopher,andsheleaves.

Iliftmyfingersuntiltheyaresilhouettedagainstthesunlitwindow.ItestthemjustasAllysdid.Onebyone.Packaging.

Maybe

"She'sgoingtotell."Ethanpullsmeclose.Wearebehindthemarket,kneedeepinovergrown

grass,sandwichedbetweenforgottenpicnictablesandtrashbins.HepulledmeawaywhenIbegantocry,leavinghislunchandcuriousstaresfromothercustomersbehind.

Ifeelhisarmsstrokemyback,hishandstightenaroundmywaist,hisbreath,andhissmell,mytonguewarmagainsthis,astirringinsideofmethat

makesmytonguepressfarther.DidIeverfeelthesethingsbefore?DoIcare?Ourkissesaredesperate.

Mysobsreturn.Wild.Likeananimal.Ethanholdstighter,likehecansqueezeawaymydemons.Ipushaway."Whydoyoucare,Ethan?Youdon'tknowme."

Hishandsdropfrommysides.Hecloseshiseyesandshakes,hishead."Ethan,"Iwhisper."Idon'tknow,Jenna."Hiseyesarewideagain.Glassy."I—Ifeelsomething.EverytimeIlookatyou.Don'taskmetoexplainit

all.Doeseverythinghavetohaveatidyexplanation?""I'mnotlikeothergirls.""Iknow.""Ethan."Icuphisfaceinmyhands."Youdon'tknow.I'mbeyonddifferent.

I'm—""Maybethat'swhatIseewhenIlookatyou,Jenna.Someonewhowill

neverfitinagaininquitethesameway.Someonelikeme.Someonewithapastthat'schangedtheirfutureforever."

"Ormaybeit'sjustthatyouseemeasasecondchance.Youcouldn'tsaveyourbrother,butmaybeyoucansaveJenna.Justice.Isthatwhatyou'relookingfor?"

Hestepsawayandkicksthelooselegofapicnictablesoittumblestooneside,thenheswingsaround."OrmaybeI'mamasochistandIlikegirlswhoareasannoyingashell!Don'ttrytoanalyzeme,Jenna.IamwhatIam."

AndIamwhatIam.Ijustneedadefinitionforwhatthatis.Jennan.1.Coward.2.Possiblyhuman.3.Maybenot.4.Definitelyillegal."Let'snotargue."Ethancomesupbehindmeandplaceshishandsonmy

shoulders."Whydidyoucrybackinthemarket?Areyouafraid?We'lltalktoAllys.Changehermind."

"I'mnotafraid,Ethan."AtleastnotofAllys.I'mafraidofmythoughts,myfeelings.I'mafraidofmyfingersagainstasunlitwindowandtheshockingreliefthatcomeswithit,whenIshouldfeelshame.I'mafraidthatIfeelwildlyaliveandgratefulandliketheSpecialEntitledMiracleChildJennaFox,whileboxessitinaclosettrappingmindsthatwillneverseefingersorsunlightagain,andI

amtooafraidtoletthemgobecauseImightneedthem.I'mafraidofahundredthings,includingyou,Ethan,becauseeverythingintheuniversesaysit'snotright,butthatdoesn'tkeepmefromwantingit.

AndI'mafraidIambecomingsomethingthattheoldJennaFoxneverwasandmaybetenpercentisn'tenoughafterall.IamafraidofDaneandthatthesomethingthateveryonesaysheismissingisthesamethingFathermayhaveleftoutofme,too,andthatSenatorHarrisisperfectlyrightaboutitallandFatherisperfectlywrong.I'mafraidIwillneverhavefriendslikeKaraandLockeagainanditwillallbemyfault.I'mafraidthatfortherestofmytwoortwohundredyearsIwillstillhaveallthesequestionsandIwillneverfitin.

AndI'mafraidthatClaireandMatthewFoxwilldiscoverthatthenew,improvedJennadoesn'tadduptothreebabiesatallandneverdidandeverythingtheyriskedwasfornothing,Becausewhenallissaidanddone,Iamnotspecialatall.ThosearethekindofthingsIamafraidof.

ButIamnotafraidofAllys."Shesaidshelikedme,"Isaytohim."Shewouldn'ttell.""Isawhereyes."Iturnaroundandlaymyheadagainsthischest.Ilistentohisheartbeat.A

realheartbeat."Weneedtotalktoher.Soon,"hesays.

Sliding

Allysisnotatschoolthenextday.Orthenext.ShouldIworry?Ilistenforsounds.Knocksonthedoor.Footsteps.Sirenstrackingmedown.WhenMotherandFatheraregoneandLilyisoutinthegreenhouse,Ilisten,

waitingforthesilenceofthehousetocrumble.Iwaitforcreaksonthestairs,andIwonderwhatitwouldbeliketobe

imprisonedagain.AndthenwhenthesilenceislongandsustainedandIambeginningtobelieveitwillalwaysbethere,whenatinydoorwayisopenedandIamtryingtoslidethroughtothatplacecallednormal,thesilenceisbrokenagain.

Notbyfootsteps.Butbyavoice.Hurry,Jenna.

Avoicecrispandclear.Notthevoiceofmypast.Notthevoiceofadream.Thevoiceofnow.

Therearenokeysflyingthroughtheair.Nohotglimpsesofanightthatstillescapesmebuthaschangedmeforever.Nomemoriesofwordssaidinhaste.ButfreshwordsthatsomehowcrawlthroughmyscalpuntilIfeelImaybemad.

Weneedyou.Now.

Match

Istompthroughoureucalyptusforest,lettingmyfeetcomedownhardontwistedpiecesofbarkandtwigs,listeningtothesnap,thecrunch,andthesoundsIcancontrol.Ikickupthewovenmatofleavesatmyfeetandreleasemonthsandyearsofdecayandsendbeetlesscurryingforcover.Thevoicesarequiet.Islowmypace.Isitguiltspeakingtome?OrdidFathernotunderstandeverythinghistamperingmightleadto?Iheartherushofthecreekatthebottomoftheinclineandtherustleofsomethingelsenearby.Birds?

Theforestisforeign,animport,Lilytellsme.Attheturnofthelastcentury,someonethoughthecouldmakehisfortuneraisingthetimberforrailroadties.Asitturnedout,thewoodwastoohardforcuttingonceitdried,andthegroveswereabandoned.Theyspreadontheirown,sometimeswipingoutnativespeciesofplants.Lilyisnotpleased.Original,native,pure—thesearethewordsthatmattertoLily.AndAllys.

Ilookatthetreesthatdon'tbelong,broughtherethroughnofaultoftheirown.Theirbarkissoftvelvet,mottledandcreamy,andtheirscentispungent.Theleaves,smoothslicesofsilverygreen,createathick,lacycarpetontheforestfloor.Beautifulbutunwanted.Whathavetheycrowdedoutthatwasmorebeautifulormoreimportant?

Ireachoutbetweentwotrees,pressingahandagainsteach,breathinginslowly,closingmyeyes,searchingforsomethingbeyondtheirbarkandbranchesandsecond-classstatusonthesehills,searchingforsomethingliketheirsouls.

Snap!Crunch!Myeyesshootopen.Paingripsmywrist."Dane!"Itrytopullaway,butheholdstight,squeezingharder,watching

myfaceformyresponse."Letgo,"Itellhim.Hisfaceisnolongeremptybutinsteadcracklingwithsomethingelse.Itis

theonlytimeIhaveseenhiseyesbrightandengaged,likehehasbeenpluggedin.Hedoesn'tsmile.

"Let'sgoforawalk,"hesays."I'mnotwalkinganywherewithyou,Dane.""Why?YoupreferboyslikeEthanwhoaredangerous?Icouldbe

dangerous."Hepullsmecloser,hisbreathinglabored.Ifeelhisfingersdigintomyskin,hisblueeyes,pulledtosharppinpoints,

likeananimal's,adrenalinedriven,hungryfornothingelsebutdestruction,emptyofselfandothers.Dane,fullyfleshandblood,butonehundredpercentofnothing.

"Notnearlyasdangerousasme.I'mleaving."Itrytopullaway.“Isaidwe'regoingforawalk,"hesays,jerkingmecloser."Let'snot,"Ianswer,andmyfreehandjutsforwardtohisgroin.Myaimis

onthemark,mygripastightashis.Hiseyeswiden.Hisfingerstightenonmywrist.Myfingerstighten,too.Hiseyelidsflutter,hisfacereddens.

"Imaywalkfunny,Dane,butEthansaysIhavetheenduranceofahorse.Icanstandherealldaylong.Canyou?"

Hemakesalasteffortbytwistingmywrist.Painripsupmyarm.Inreturn,myotherhandsqueezesbeyondhislimits.Hescreamsout,releasingmywrist.Iletgoofhim,andhefallstohisknees,moaning.Besidestherevulsionrunningthroughme,Ifeelsomethingunexpected—gratitude.He'sshownmehowemptyaonehundredpercenthumanbeingcanbe.Percentagescanbedeceptive.

Hisfacetrembles,andhiseyesaresharpandcoldlookingupatme.Heisstilltryingtocatchhisbreath,andIknowIhaveonlyafewsecondsbeforehecomesatmeagain.

"Jenna,thereyouare!Shallwefinishourwalk?"Mr.Bendercomesthroughthewoods,makingashowofhisgolfclub,

swingingitmorethanheisusingitforbalanceonthehillside."Yes,"Isay,leavingDanetocontemplatehowmuchworseagolfclubin

hisskullmightfeelthanmyhandinhisgroin.Mr.BenderandIwalkdowntheinclineandcrossthecreekwherea

downedlogprovidesabridge."IwasinmyyardwhenIsawyouwalkintotheforest,"hesays."WhenIsawDanefollowashorttimelater,Igrabbedmyclub."

"Thankyou.Betweenyourgolfclubandmygrip,Ithinkhe'sheadedinthe

otherdirectionbynow."Wewalkoutoftheforestandupthepaththatleadstohishouse.

"Shouldwecallthepolice?"Ihesitate."No.Itwouldn'tbeagoodideaforeitherofus.I'llbemore

carefulinthefuture.""Youshouldn'tgointotheforestalone.It'snotjustthatcriminal.Sometimes

therearemountainlionsinthearea."Istopandfacehim."Really,Mr.Bender—orshouldIcallyouEdward?—

webothknowIcanbereplacedaseasilyasadamagedNetbook.Backupsarehandythatway."

HelooksalmostasstunnedasDanedidafewminutesago."How'dyoufigureitout?"

"Thebackupsoryou?""Both.""Ihavefivehundredbillionneurochips,Mr.Bender.Itwasn'tdifficult.But

Fatherprobablytoldyouaboutthatalready."Mr.Bendernods,lookingdown.Heshouldn'tbeashamed.HewasFather's

friendbeforehewasmine.Iresumemypace."Whenyouhavefivetimesthebraincapacity,Iguessit'sjustamatteroftimebeforeyoustartusingit."Detailsfromtwo-year-oldJenna'sbrainhadsurfacedsometimeafterIsawtheoldbatteredaquacarinMr.Bender'sgarage."AndIfinallyrememberedanoldphotothathunginourbrownstonewhenIwasatoddler.ItwasofFatherwithhisfirstcar.Theaquaonehepassedontoyou."

Smallslipstheseare,memoriestheywouldn'texpectfromatwo-year-old,butmymemoriesdon'tdifferentiate—twodays,twoyears,orten—theyareallthesameweightandintensity.

"Ijustfoundthehouseforhim.Iowedhimthat,"hesays."Idon'tknowasmuchasyoumaythink.Yourfathertoldmeverylittle."

"Tospareyou,probably.Thelessyouknow,thelessguilty,right?"Hedoesn'treply."Soyoukeptintouchwithhimalltheseyears?""Notatfirst,butafterafewyearsIneededthatconnection.Ineeded

someonewhoknewmebefore.Sothattherestofmylifewasn'tinvalid.It'smorepainfultoleaveyouridentitybehindthanmostpeopleimagine.Essentially,you'vebeenerased.Itdoesn'treallymakesense,Iknow,butwhenIfinallycontactedyourdad,helistenedandheunderstood.Hewasalwaysthereforme,fromgivingmehiscarwhenIneededtogetawaytobeingtherewhenIneeded

totalk.""Youtalkoften?""Maybeonceeveryyearorso.Notoften.Andthenwehavetobecareful.

Hecalledmewhenyouwerehurt.Hewaswildwithgrief.Andthenhecalledmeagainafewdayslater.Hebabbledmostly.Thinkingoutloud.Ithoughthewasdrunkatfirst.Reallytalkingmoretohimselfthanme,butIguesshejustneededmetheretolisten.Hesaidheknewhewasgoingtoloseyouunlesshedidsomething...drastic.Hedidn'ttellmewhat.Hejusthungup,andIdidn'thearfromhimagainuntilhecalledaboutneedingahousethatwasoutoftheway."

"Sothatwasyourrole.Long-distanceRealtor."Aslighttiltofhishead,andahesitantnod,makesmerememberwhatLilysaid."Oh,andyouwerealsotheotherhalfofthewhiskingteam,"Iadd.

"Whisking?""GettingmeoutofDodge."Hesmiles."Right.I'mpartoftheemergencydrill.Yourfathersaidhe'd

ratherkeepyouheresincehecaneasilygetmedicalsupportifsomethinggoeswrong,butiftheauthoritiesshouldfindout,yourgrandmotheristobringyoutomyhouse.FromthereItakebothofyoutoanairstripnotfarfromhere.It'sonlyashortflightovertheborderintoMexicotoanotherairstrip.Andfromthereyou'dflytoItaly.Italyhasmoreliberallawsregardingtransplants."

"Andbrainuploads?TheItalianscan'tcount?"Heissilent."Ortomakematterssimpler,andsaveyousometime,myparentscouldjust

popmybackupinthemailinstead.ParcelpostcouldtakemetoItaly,probablyforalotlessexpenseandworry.Oriftheyreallywanttosplurge,theycouldovernightmewithAirExpress.Ortheycould—"

Therisingdeliriuminmyvoicemakesmestopmyrant."Come,"Mr.Bendersays."Let'ssitandtalkforabit."Inodandfollowhimuptheslopetohishouseandwesitintwochairson

hisbackporchlookingoutatthepondandmyownhouseontheotherside."What'swrongwithDane,Mr.Bender?"Iask."MyfriendAllyssayshe's

missingsomething.""Idon'tknowexactly,Jenna,butIthinkyourfriendmightberight.AllI

knowforsureisthathe'strouble.""Butatleasthe'slegal."Mr.Benderjogshischairtowardmeandleansforward."Listentome,

Jenna.Therearedifferentkindsoflaws.Somearewritteninbooks,andsomearewritteninhere."Hetapshischest."Danemayhavethepaperkindoflegal,buthehasnoneofthekindthat'splantedinside."

Buthowdoesitgetthere?Ilookathim,hishandstillrestingagainsthischest.Howdoesthe"legal"

kindgetinside?Canitbesewninbyasurgeonwithcarefulstitches?"Whatdoyousee,Mr.Bender,whenyoulookatme?"Iwatchhiseyes,takinginmyskin,myface,myeyes.Iseehimconsider

everytwitch,everyblinkofmyeyes.Icanseehiseverymisstep,everyconsideredlie,everyreturntotruth.It'salinehecrossesoften,andsometimesliesandtruthmeltintosomethingelse.Histonguerunsacrosshislips.Heblinks.

Truth.Lie.Truth.Thesomethingelse.ConfusionatwhatIam?"Please,"Isay."IseealotofcomplicatedthingswhenIlookatyou,Jenna.Ahorrible

unexpectedturn,asecondchance,hope—"Istand."Hopeforwhat,Mr.Bender?AlifewhereIcanneverbewhatI

was,andcan'tevenbewhatIamnowwithouthiding?Thisisalltoohard.""Jenna."Hestandsandholdsmyshoulders."I'msorryforwhatyou'regoing

through.Iknowit'sbeendifficult.Believeme,nooneknowsaswellasIdohowharditistostartover.Ithinkthat'swhyIwantedtohelpyoufromthebeginning,maybeevenwhenIshouldn'thave.IsawthefrightenedteenIoncewaswhenIlookedatyou."

Heletsgoofmyshoulders,butIkeeplookingintohisface.Mr.Benderisasoldasmyfather,butIseesomethinginhimthatisasyoungasme.Docertaineventsinourlivesleaveapermanentmark,freezingapieceofusintime,andthatbecomesatouchstonethatwemeasuretherestofourlivesagainst?

Ifeelmyfistsrelax,myjointsloosen."Ithinkitwasgoodluckthatyouweremyfirstfriend,Mr.Bender."

"First?""That'sright.Jenna'sfirstfriend,AD."Hiseyebrowsraise."AfterDisaster."Helaughs,hiscuriousMr.Benderlaugh,andthensuggestsawalkinhis

garden.Wereachthecircularclearingwherehefeedsthebirds."Here,"hesaysas

heremoveshisjacket."I'vebeenborrowingClaytonBender'sidentityforthirty

years.Letmeshareitwithyouforafewminutes."Heplaceshisjacketonmyshouldersandthentakesmypalmandrubsitwithhisown."Turnsoutthatbirdshaveabettersenseofsmellthanmostpeoplethought."

Wesitonthelogbenchandhefillsmypalmwithseed,andeventhoughitisonlyforthebriefestmoment,asparrowlandsandfliesawaywithabeakfull.

"See?They'reusedtoyounow.Nexttimeyouwon'tneedme."Idecidethatsometimesdefinitionsarewrong.Evenifthey'rewrittenina

dictionary.Identitiesaren'talwaysseparateanddistinct.Sometimestheyarewrappedupwithothers.Sometimes,forafewminutes,maybetheycanevenbeshared.AndifIameverfortunateenoughtoreturntoMr.Bender'sgarden,Iwonderifthebirdswillseethatpieceofhimthatiswrappedupinme.

ListeningThesilencedarknessnothingpleaseletusgoHelpusJenna.Weneedyou.Hurry,Jenna.Weneedyou.Screaming.Ihearscreaming.Myownscreams.Theirs.Butnoonecanhear.Aplacesodarknoonecanhear.Exceptme."Help!

Please!Somebody!""Jenna!Wakeup!"Fatherisholdingme.Mothersitsattheendofmybed.Iaminaplaceof

lightandtouchagain."Youweredreaming,"Fathersays,squeezingme."No,"Isay."Iwas..."Impossible.Father'sfaceislined,tired.Fear.

Motherisperched,waiting,herhairabird'snest.

"Youwerewhat,Jenna?""Iwaslistening.""Towhat,darling?What?"Motherasks."ToKaraandLocke.They'recallingme.Iheardtheirvoices."Fatherbrushesmyhairfrommyfaceandtouchesmycheek."That's

impossible,Angel.Youwereonlydreaming.That'sall."Idon'targue.Therewouldbenopoint.ButIdidn'tdreamthevoices.I

heardthem.Freshandnow.Somehow,someway,theyfoundme.Theyneedme.ButIneedthem,too.Intheflashbetweendarknessandlight,betweendreamworldandreality,I

crossaboundary.Iremembertheaccident.

TheAccident

Everydetail.Sharp,likeclaws.Itwasn'ttheBioGel,thesearchingneurochips,oranyoftheshortcomings

ofmynewself.Itwasmeallalong.Thegrievingme.Theshockedme.Thein-denialme.Butnow,KaraandLockeareforcingmetoremember.

Isitinthedark,asliveroflightfromthehallwayslashedacrossmybed.Ilistentothefaintwheezeofairenteringandleavingmychest.Breathing.Anewkindofbreathing.Becauseofthatnight.

Keysflyingintheair.Myfingersoutstretched.Myfingerswerethrowingthekeys.Notcatchingthem."Ican'tdrive,Locke,"Itoldhim."You'retheonlyonewithacar,"hecomplained."Ifyoudon'tdrive,Jenna,thenwedon'tgo,"Karaadded."Weneedyou!""I'mnotdrivingwithoutalicense.Besides,myvoicecommandsaren'teven

programmedintothecaryet.Icouldn'tstartitanyway.""Karacoulddrive,"Lockesays."Andstartingit'snotaproblem.There'san

override.Youmusthaveacodeorkeysaroundheresomewhere."Thekitchendrawer.WhereClairekeepsalltheextrakeys.IcouldhavepretendedIdidn'tknowwheretheywere.Icouldhavedistractedthem.ButIdidn't.Iopenedthedrawerandpulledthemout.

"Yes!"Lockesaysandsnatchesthekeysfrommyhand.HethrowsthemtoKara.Theywaitformyresponse.Ihesitate.Wondering.Thinking.Butnotfortoolong.Inod.

Sowewent.Karadrove.Igaveherthekeys.IletherdrivemycarthatevenIwasn'tsupposedtodriveyet.MotherandFatherwereawayforthenight.MaybeIwaseagerforafall,

thethingIfearedmost.Ihadbeeneasingtowardit,testingthewater,notsurewhatIwanted,exceptnottobeeverythingIknewIwasn't.

Itwasaparty.Astupidone.Wewerebored.Uninvited.Nooneknewus.Wedidn'tknowanyofthem.Itwascrowded.Tightcirclesofstrangersweredrinkingandsmoking,oblivioustous.Crashingthepartywasathrillthatlastedfiveminutes.Wewereabouttoleave.Butthentheunexpectedhappened.Afightbrokeout.Wedidn'tknowwhatmighthappennext.Wewereoutofourneighborhood,outofourleague.Wewerescaredandweran.Ihadthekeysinmypurse.LockeandIwereononesideofthecar.Karaontheother."Hurry,Jenna!Hurry!"Itwasdark.Ifranticallysearchedtheblackcavernofmypurseforthekeys.WhenIfoundthem,IthrewthemtoKara,myfingersoutstretched,tryingtobesureofmyaim.

Therewasyelling.Shouts.Wewereoutofourelement.Panicked.Wewereonlyrulefollowerspretendingtoberenegades.Othercarsscreechedaway.

"Go,Kara!"Lockeyelledfromthebackseat.Shedid.Whenwemadeittothehighway,theadrenalinethatstreakedthroughus

subsidedandourfearwasreplacedwithlaughter.Ihadn'tnoticedthatKara'sfootwasstillfirmlyontheaccelerator.Noneofusdid.Thecurvecameupsofast.Shebraked,butitwastoolate.Thecarspun,hitthegraveledshoulder.Therewerelast-minuteshouts.

"Turn!""Kara!""Stop!"Karawascryingandscreaming,desperatelyturningthesteeringwheel.We

weretossedabout,noneofusbotheringwithseatrestraintsinourrushtoleavetheparty.Thecarskidded,thenrolledwhentheshoulderturnedtocliff,ablurred,choppednightmarewheresoundandlightcutthroughus.Iwasscreaming,flying.Tumbling.Glasssprayedlikeathousandknives,andtheworldhadnoupordown.Thefearwassocompleteitwebbedtogetherour

screamsandmotion.Blindingwhiteheatandlight.Flyingfreeandthesickeningthudofmyskullonsoil.OrwasitKaraIheard,landingnexttome?Andthenthesuddensharpcontrastofquietsounds,liketinklingcrystal.Dripping.Hissing.Adrawn-outcrackle.Andsoftmoansthatseemedtohoverintheairaboveme.Andfinallyjustblackness.

IneversawKaraandLockeagain.Iheardthem.ForafewsecondsIheardtheirbreaths,theirsighs,their

screams.Iheardthem.LikeIdonow.Andforallthosemonths,inthedarkplacewhereIwaitedtobereborn,not

knowingifIwouldeverseelightagain,betweenmyownvoicelesscriesandpleading,thosewerethesoundsIheardoverandoveragain,thehellishsoundsofKaraandLockedying.

Self-preservationTheyaremywitnesses.TheyaloneknowthatIdidn'tdrive.Someday,sometime,someonewillcomeforme.AndIwillhaveKaraand

Locketohelpme.Saveme.Icankeepthem.TheentitledJenna.Howbadcoulditbetoexistinaboxforever?

TheLastDisc

Thecut-glasspanesofthelivingroomcabinetprismmyreflectionintoadozendistortedpieces.Isearchthosepieces,theborrowedblues,reds,andviolets,blendedwithglimmeringflesh.Ilookforashine,adifference.ButIseenothingthatsaysIamdifferentfromDane.

VersionsofmeandmyfriendsaretrappedwhereIneverwanttogoagain.AndIwon'thelpthem.Blues.Reds.Violets.Flesh.Fragments.Almosthuman.ThesamereflectionDanemighthave.

Iturnfromthecabinetandgotothecredenzathattakesupalargeportionofthelivingroomwall.Irummagethroughthedrawer,lookingforYearSeven/JennaFox,theyearwhereIcanwatchagirlwhowasstillachildanddidn'tknowaboutexpectations.Ayearwhenbluebirthdaycakesandsurpriseswereallthatmattered.YearSeven,probablythelastyearbeforeIknewIwasspecial.

MotherhasstraightenedthedrawerandthediscisnotwhereIleftit.Irunfingersalongthefileofdiscs,searchingforit,whenInoticesomethingelse.Thecamera.Itisatthebackofthedrawerinaspacethathasbeensavedforit,butithasbeenjarred.Adischaspartiallypoppedout.Ireachinandpullitlooseandlookatthelabel.

JENNAFOX/YEARSIXTEEN----DISCTWOItshakesbetweenmyfingers.Thisisthelastdisc.Thereallastdisc.ThisistheoneLilywantedmetowatch.

ARecital

Jennafloatsacrossthestage.Hermovementsareprecise.Herarmsarecurvedinagracefularch.Herfeetpointing,herlegsextending,arabesque,Jenna...

...chassé,jetéentralacé...

...plié...pasdebourrée,pirouette,Jenna.Allatperfectangles,perfecttiming.Sheraisesenpointe,herbalancepure

elegance.Butherfaceisdead.Theperformanceisallinherarmsandlegsand

muscles,andnoneofitisinherheart.Irememberthatnight,thefeeloftheslipper,theribbonsnugatmyankles,

thetightbodiceofmycostumethatshowedoffmyperfecttinywaist,themoistureformingatthenapeofmyneck.IrememberbeforeIevenseeitrepeatedonthedisc.Irememberlookingoutintotheaudiencethatnight,myperformancealmostcomplete,andseeingLilyinthesecondrowandthedisappointmentinhereyesandhowthatshookmeandgavemepermissionallatthesametimeforwhatcamenext.Relevé,relevé.Mywell-trainedmusclesandboneswerespeakingtome,orderingmetoperform.Relevé,Jenna.ButIwasfrozen.Themusicpassedmeby.Relevé,Jenna!Theaudienceisfidgeting.Uncomfortable.Hopingthatthemomentcanbesalvaged.I'mnotsureitcan.IamlookingatLily'seyesonme,butIamseeingusatherkitchencounterjustafewdaysbefore.Iwascomplainingaboutmyupcomingrecital.

"Whoareyou,Jenna?Howcananyoneknowifyoudon'tshowthem?""I'mtempted.JustonceI'dliketoletitout."

"Andwhatwouldyoudo?""WhileIwasthereonstage,I'dmoveinallthewaysI'vedreamedof.I'd

stompandgrindandswingmyhipsandshowthemall.""Sowhat'sstoppingyou?"Iremembershewasserious,andIrememberlookingatherlikeshewas

crazy."Itwouldn'tbeappropriate.I'dlettoomanypeopledown.""Youmeanyourparents.Ithinkthey'dlive."Theaudienceisholdingitsbreath.Themusichasstopped.Relevé,Jenna!Mymusclesaredemandingaction.Stomp!Grind,Jenna.Swingyourhips!AndthenIfeelit.Mycalvesstiffen.Myheelslift.Relevé.Andthenaquick

hoptoenpointe.Hold.Hold.Downtofourthposition,plié,andbow.Theaudienceheavesasinglesighofrelief,eventhoughIamcompletingmydancelongafterthemusichasstopped.Theirzealousapplauseerasesthegap.

Ihavedelivered.Thatisallthatmatters.

PiecesAbitforsomeonehere.Abitthere.Andsometimestheydon'tadduptoanythingwhole.Butyouaresobusydancing.Delivering.Youdon'thavetimetonotice.Orareafraidtonotice.Andthenonedayyouhavetolook.Andit'strue.Allofyourpiecesfillupotherpeople'sholes.Buttheydon'tfillyourown.

TheBeach"Overhere!"Clairecalls,wavingherarm.Lilywavesback.Neitherofusmove,andMotherresumesherwalkthrough

thetidepools.Theridetothebeachwastense.Wehardlytalkedinthecar.

Motherinsistedwego,sayingtheunseasonablywarmMarchdaywasperfectforawalkatthebeach.

"Sheneededthis,"Lilysays."Ididn't."Lilypullshersweatshirtoverherheadandtiesitaroundherwaist."Then

whatdoyouneed,Jenna?"Hervoiceissharp.Ilookatherandknotinside.Ican'tanswer.Ishakemyheadandwalk

away.Shegrabsmyarmandspinsmearound."Iaskedyousomething.Whatdoyouneed?"

Ipullaway.Howdareshetreatmelikea—"Ineed—Ineed—"IwanttospitmywordsintoherstupidfaceiswhatI

needtodo,buttheyjustkeepcatching,liketheyaresnaredonsomethinginside.Istandthere,mylipsstillsearchingforwords.

"Tellme!"shesays.Ican't.Sheletsgoofmyarmandsighs."Andthathasalwaysbeenyourproblem,

Jenna,"shesayssoftly."You'vealwaysbeentwopeople.TheJennawhowantstopleaseandtheJennawhosecretlyresentsit.Theywon'tbreak,youknow.Yourparentsneverthoughtyouwereperfect.Youdid."

Whatisshetalkingabout?Ineverthought—"TheyplacedmeonapedestalfromthedayIwasborn!WhatchoicedidIhavebuttobeperfect!AndifIlaggedinmathorsoccerornavelgazing,theygotmeapersonaltutor!AndthenIwastutoredandcoacheduntilIwasperfect!I'vebeenunderamicroscopemyentirelife!FromthemomentIwasconceived,IhadtobeeverythingbecauseIwastheirmiracle!That'swhatIhadtoliveuptoeverydayofmylife!Howdareyousaythatitwasmewhenitwasthem!Iwasconceivedtoplease!"

"What'sgoingon?"Claireasks,runningovertoseewhyourvoicesareraised.

Lily'seyesholdontome,likesheistalkingmedownfromaledge.Hervoiceislow."Startsmall,"shesays."I'llaskagain,whatdoyouneed?"

"Ineed..."Thewordsaredammedup.Startsmall."Askirt.Aredskirt!""What?"Claire'sconfusionisobvious,buthereyesareintenseandclear,

focusingonmelikeIamthewholePacificOcean."Androom.Ineedroom."ClairelooksatLily."Whatisgoingon?""Listen,"Lilysays.ShegrabsClairebytheshouldersandturnshertoface

me."Justlisten."

"Idon'twanttobeyourmiracleanymore.Ican'tbeyourmiracleanymore.Ineedtobehereonthisplanetwiththesameoddsaseveryoneelse.Ineedtobelikeeveryoneelse."

Islow.Itakeabreath."Ican'teverbereallyaliveifIcan'tdie,too.Ineedthebackups.Kara's,Locke's...andmine."Mother'sfaceisfrozenlikeIamspeakingbabble."Iwanttoletthemgo,"Iwhisper.Shedoesn'tmove."Destroyed,"Iclarify,raisingmyvoice,sothatforoncemyintentionscan'tbetwisted.

Herfaceloosens,goesblank.Shesaysnothingformuchtoolong.Nowitisme,frozen,andLily,waiting,wonderingifanythingIsaidmadeitthroughtoher.Andthenthepartinherlipsclosesandhershoulderspullback."We'llstoponthewayhomeandgetyouaredskirt,"shefinallysays.Sheturnsandwalksaway,onlypausingforamomenttoshootLilyastiff,coldstare.

CalculationsTheridehomeisquiet.IwatchLily.Mother.Iseetheireyes,unfocused,

staringattheroadaheadbutnotseeingit.Eachofusareboundbyourownthoughts,seeingtheedgesofourlimits,maybeseeingtheedgesofothers.Howfarcanwepush?Howfarcanwebend?Howmuchcanwepreserve?Howcanwegetwhatwewant?Thecalculationsareendless,notknowingthefuture,notknowinghowfaristoofarforanyofus.Mythoughtsdrift,search,calculate,remembering,jumpingtothepastandbackagain.

Mybaby,mypreciousbaby,I'msosorry.Thehospitalroomisdim.Herchairispulledclose.Sherocks,hums,

whispers,andshesmiles.Thesmilesarethehardesttowatch.Theyarebeyondherstrength,butsomehowshemakesthemcomeforth.

Letmedie.Please.Iscreamedthewords.Overandover.Butonlyinmyhead.Thewords

couldn'tgetpastmylips.ButevenasIpleadedwithin,hopingsomemessagewouldgetacross,Iknew.AsIlaythereinthehospitalbed,unabletomoveorspeak,assoonasIlookedintoClaire'seyes,Iknew.

Shewouldneverletmego.Somuchstrengthwithinher,butnotthestrengthtoletgo.Iwasforeverherbaby.Foreverhermiracle.

Howlongisforever?

Grasping

Foreveradv./.Withouteverending,eternally:tolastforever.2.Continually,incessantly,always.

TherearemanywordsanddefinitionsIhaveneverlost.ButsomeIamonlyjustnowbeginningtotrulyunderstand.

MovingLilyswingsherdoorshutandheadsofftohergreenhouse,tosimmer,I

presume.Fatherisstandingonthewalkwaytalkingtosomeone.Heliftshishandandwavesbutreturnstohisconversation.Iamstartledtoseeavisitor,sincewehaveneverbeforehadone.Thevisitor'sbackistome,buthisgirthisoddlyfamiliar.Mothergatherstwobagsofgrocerieswestoppedforonthewayhome.Wedidn'tgetaredskirt.It'snotimportant.Itneverreallywas.

"Comeinthebackwaywithme,Jenna,"Mothersays.HervoiceisnearanedgeIhavealreadycalculated.HowfarcanIpush?Iturn,leavingheratthegaragehouseentrance,andwalkaroundtothefrontwhereFathertalkstothevisitor.Theyareclose,keepingtheirwordstight,liketheairitselfmightsnatchthemup.Fatherglancesatme,willingmetohurryinthedoor.ButIlinger,ofcourse.

Tomorrow...Notsafe...Iconcentrate,tryingtodecipherthewhisperedwords.Idetectarushwithin

me,anache,andthenastillness,likethewordsarebeingwhisperedrightintomyear.Likeeveryavailableneurochiphasbeencalledtotask.Andtheyhave.Ihavebillionsofavailableneurochips.

They'retoovulnerablewheretheyare.Ihaveseveralpossibilities.BytomorrowI'llmovethem.Itcan'tbe—Traced.Iknow.Ihaveitcovered.Andsecure.

HaveIletyoudownyet?She'smylife,Ted.ThevisitorshakesFather'shand,thenturns,knowingallalongthatIhave

beenwatchingthemboth.Henodsinmydirection,andIfeeleverythingdropwithinme.Heisthetouristfromthemission.TheonewhotookEthan'sandmypicture.

Heleaves,shufflingdownthewalkandslidinghiswidegirthintoasmallcarthatwheezesunderhisweight.

"Whoishe?"IaskFatherasheapproachesme."It'snotimportant,"Fatheranswers."Let'sgoinside.""I'veseenhimbefore."Fatherfrowns,knowingIwon'tletitgo."Mysecurityspecialist.Hetakes

careof...things.""Likeme?""Sometimes.""Hetookmypictureatthelavanderia.""Notyou.HewasinvestigatingEthanandthecommunityprojectatthe

mission.Makingsuretheriskfactorwasminimal.""Isthatwhatmylifeisnow?""What?""Acontrolledrisk-freecocoonforyourlabpet?"Fathersighsandrunshisfingersthroughhishair,theonlynervoushabitI

haveobservedinhim."Let'snotdigthatupagain,Jenna.""What'shemoving?"Fatherlooksatme,makinghisowncalculations,studyingmyfaceand

especiallymyeyes.DoesheknowIcanseeliesasplainlyasadeepbreathorshrug?Hedoesn'tanswer.He'scatchingon.HeknowsIambecomingmorethanheplanned.Morethantheendlesslycompliantfourteen-year-oldheloved.Butallchildrengrowup.

"I'llfigureitout,"Isay.Heconcedes."Thebackups.Aclosetinahouseisnoplaceforthem.We

didn'thavetimeforbetterchoicesbefore,butnowwedo.Heisgoingtomovethemtoasaferlocation."

Hestaresatme,tooclose,toocarefully,likeheisreadingeverybreathandshrugfrommeaswell.Icarefullylookuptomyleft,likeIamweighingwhathehastoldme,andslowlyIlookbackathim."Oh,"Isay."That'sprobablyagoodidea.''Hewatches,andgraduallyIseehismusclesloosenandrelax.Hebelieves

me.Butthatisnothingnew.HealwaysdidbecauseIwasarulefollower.Iplayedbytherulesheunderstood.Buttherearenewrulesnow,oneshedoesn'tknowyet.He'lllearn.JustasIamlearning.

Heopensthefrontdoor."Youcomingin?""No,"Itellhim."Wewerelategettingback.Ethanispickingmeupsoon.""It'snotaschoolday."Heimpliesaquestion.He'sbecomemorelikeClaire

thanIremember.Whendidhestartclingingtomeso?ButIsensetheanswerliessomewherebetweenthedarknessandthefear,sometimewhenitlookedlikeIwouldbegoneforever,theaccidentthatdidn'tjustchangeme,butmadethembothdifferent,too,thatwaswhenhechanged.Calculationsandmaneuversdrainfromme.Iamsevenyearsoldandleadinghimtoacakethatisfilledwithmyloveforhim.Ileanforwardandkisshischeek."OurfriendAllysissick.Shehasn'tbeentoschoolindays.We'regoingtoseeher."

Asimplekissonthecheekandhiseyesareglassy."Behomebeforedark,"hesays.Idon'tanswerbecauselyingisnotinmerightnow.ButIwilltry.Becauseofhiseyes.BecauseIamhislife.Becausesomethingsdon'tchange.

Istandatthecurb,waitingforEthan,skimmingbackthroughthewhisperedconversationbetweenFatherandthestranger.Bytomorrow.That'swhathesaid.Bythenthebackupswillbewhiskedaway.Butwilltheirvoices?WillIstillhearthemcallingtome,pleadingforrelease?Iftheyonlyhadasecondchance,butthey'llneverhavearebirth,notlikeme.Theirpurgatorywillgoonandon,andsomehowthey'llalwaysknowthatIcouldhavesavedthem.Shouldhavesavedthem.

Whentomorrow?Didhesay?SometimetomorrowKara'sandLocke'sfutureswillbecemented,andIwill

becomesomethinglessthangenuine,likethefirstinanumberedseriesofartprints.Kara,Locke,andme,forgotteninastoragefacility.

MotherandFatherwon'tbegoinganywherebetweennowandtomorrow.There'snochanceIcouldsneakintotheircloset.

Witnesses.Theyarewitnesses.Idon'thavethekeytotheclosetanymoreanyway.Iwasstupidtoleaveitin

thelockwhenIranout.Ican'tdoanythingforthemnow.Relevé.Jenna.Relevé.Ilookatmyhands.Trembling.Abattlebetweenneurochipandneuron,

survivalandsacrifice.Where'sEthan?He'slate!Istandontiptoe,likethatwillhelpmeseefartherdownourstreet.My

breathscomeinrapidshallowpants,andIfeelbetrayedbythisbodythat

rememberspanicwitheasebutneedscoaxingtorememberfriends.Ican'tletthemgo.

IspotEthan'scar,finally,turningthecornerattheendofourstreet."Icanhelpyou."Ijumpandturnaround.ItisLily.Idon'tneedtoask.Iknowwhathelpmeans."Youhavearight,"shesays,"atleasttoyourownbackup.Andmaybe

more.Onlyyouknowwhatit'slike.Ifyoureallywantthis,wecanfiguresomethingout—"

Ethanstopshiscaratthecurb.IopenthedoorbutlookbackatLily."They'retakingthemawaytomorrow."

"Thenmaybewe'lltalktonight?"Inod,wonderingatherunexpectedproposal."Maybewewill,"Ianswer,

andIgetintoEthan'scar.

TheyKnow

"You'reshaking.""Justmyhands.""No,allover."Hepullsmeclosewithonearmwhilehedriveswiththe

other.Inoticemyshoulderstremblingforthefirsttime.Itrytomakeitstop,butIcan'tcontrolthem.IsthiswhatFathertalkedabout?Ifthereareconflictswithyouroriginalbraintissue..,signalsthatmightcreatealmostanantibodyeffect...onetryingtooverridetheother...that'swhywehavebackups.Justincase.

Ethanleansover,oneeyeontheroad,andrubshislipsagainstmytemple.Itsendsacurrentthroughme,andforatleastamoment,disconnectsmefrommythoughts."It'sokay,"hesays.Hestraightens,returninghisfullattentiontotheroad,butcontinuestorubmyshoulder.Ilookathim,wonderinghowsomeonesogentlecouldeverswingabatintosomeoneelse'sskull.Doweallhavesurprisingcapacitieshiddenwithinus?"Don'tworryaboutAllystelling.She'sbeenoutforfourdays.Ifshehadtoldsomeone,we'dknowitbynow."

"Maybe,"Ianswer."Ormaybenot.YousaidtheFSEBisabureaucraticmachine.Myguillotineordermayjustbedelayedinpaperwork."

He'ssilent,buthiseyesdartbackandforthacrossthepassinglandscape,likeheisreadingwordsthatarehiddenfrommyview.Herubsmyshouldermorevigorously.Finallyheblurtsout,startlingme,"ThegreaterpartofwhatmyneighborscallgoodIbelieveinmysoultobebad,andifIrepentofanything..."Hepauses,waiting.

Ismileandconcede."Itisverylikelytobemygoodbehavior.""Nowayofthinkingordoing,howeverancient,canbetrustedwithout

proof.Whateverybodyechoes...""Orinsilencepassesbyastruetodaymayturnouttobefalsehood

tomorrow."Iputmyhanduptostopanotherquotefromleavinghislips."Ethan,Itrulyappreciatetheeffort,butIcanreciteThoreaualldaylongandstillbeafraid."

"ButmaybeIcan't,"hesays.Hesqueezesme."Andfeel.Yourshouldershavestoppedshaking.Guessyoudon'tknowasmuchasyouthink."

Inotice.Thetremblingisgone.Afraidbutcalm.It'saslightlybetterplacetobe.Ithinkofthewildenergyofcyclones,butattheircenterisatinycircleofcalm.ThatiswhatEthanhasgivenme.Ileaninclosertohisshoulder."Maybeshe'snotsick.Maybeshejustdoesn'twanttoseeme."

"Shedidn'tlookgoodthelasttimewesawher.Hercolor.Somethingaboutherwasoff."

It'strue.Iremembernoticingheryellowpallorandthewayherpillsstuckinherthroat.Anothervirus?Itcouldn'tbe,notagain,butofcourse,deepdown,Iknowit'spossible.Deadlyvirusesaretheplagueofourage.

TheroadtoAllys'shousedipsandweaves.It'saroadIhavenotyettraveledon.Itwindsdeeperanddeeperinland,gettingnarrower,thetreeschokingtheroad.IsthisreallyaplaceIwanttogo?DoesEthanreallyknowtheway?

"Shelivesthisfar?""Notsofar.Itonlyseemsthatwaywhenyouhaven'tbeensomewhere

before."Heturnsdownanimpossiblynarrowerlane.Theroadisuneven,notquite

paved,amixtureofheavygravelpressedintodirt.ItisnoraroadonwhichIcanpictureAllyswalking.Nohomescanbeseenfromtheroad;tallscrubbybushesobscuretheview.Wearriveatadriveway,markedbyasimplewhitepostwithanaddress.Ethanmaneuvershistruckdownthenarrowpathandweareswallowedupbyovergrownoleander,pinkandwhitebloomsbrushingourwindows.Itisacheerycontrasttoourrealityandthereasonwearetravelingsuchalongandunknownroad.Theflashingofwhite,pink,andgreenbrieflytransfixesme.

Ourtunnelfinallyopensuptoalargeexpanse,anemeraldlawnskirtingasmallgrayhousewithadeepshadyporch.Itisasilenthouse,still,likeitiswaitingtobreathe,andIbracemyselfagainsttheseat.

"Maybenoone'shome."

"They'rehome,"Isay.Whichneurochipsarealreadyreachingbeyondwhatmyneuronsknow?Howaretheytellingme?Orisitsimplywhattheycallintuition?ButIknowwithprecisecertainty.Wearebeingwatched.Eyessizeupourcar.

Weparkonthecirculardriveandwalkuptheporchsteps.Ethan'sheavybootsboomagainstthesilence.Evenbirdsareafraidtochirp.

Ihesitateonthelaststep."I'mnotsure—""Idon'tfeelgoodaboutthiseither."Myimaginedstomachcatches."She'sourfriend."It'saquestionasmuchas

astatement."I'mnotreassured,"Ethananswers.Thedooropensbeforewecanknock."IsAllyshome?"Ethanblurtsout.Awomanstaresatus,herfaceblankandhereyesdarkandcircled."I

rememberyou,"shesays.ThehollownessofhereyesremindsmeofMotherwhenIlookedupfrommybedinthehospitalinthosedaysthatItraveledathinlinebackandforthbetweenlifeanddeath,dayswheresheneverleftmyside."Ethan,"thewomanfinallyadds.

"Yes,IpickedAllysuponceforschool.""Thatwaskindofyou."Hergazedriftsawaylikesheisrecallingan

importantmoment."AndI'mJenna,"Isay,holdingmyhandout.Herfocusjerksback,herpupilssmall,hardbeads."Jenna,"shesays,like

sheknowswhoIam.Shelooksatmyoutstretchedhandandslowlyreachesoutandholdsit.Sherunsherthumbalongmyknuckleslikesheiscountingeachoneandthenshedoesn'tletgo.IlookatEthan,afraidtopullaway.Sheseesusexchangingglancesanddropsmyhand.Herbackstiffens."Allysisn'twell,"shesays.

"Mayweseeher?"Ahandreachesaroundthedoorandpullsitopenwide."Whynot?"amansays.Heisclearlyasspentasthewoman,thecircles

underhiseyesandthelinesofhisforeheadspeakingofdaysofnosleep."Shemightnotbeuptoit,"thewomanprotests,blockingtheway.Theman'svoiceistender,barelyawhisper,ashortknifeinthetensionthat

gripsthehouse."They'reherfriends,Victoria.Ifnotnow,when?"Shestepsaside."Thisway,"hesays.Myfeetdon'tmove,butEthan'snudge

atmyelbowoverridesaflurryofthoughtstoflee.Wefollowhimthroughthe

entrywayanddownalonghall.Isensethewoman'spresenceclosebehind,watchingourmoves.Mymoves.Beforewereachthelastroomontheleft,Istop.

Icanalreadysmelldeath.Memoriesshakeme.Smell.ItwasmylastconnectionwiththisworldbeforeIwassweptintoadarkemptyone.Itisdistinct,sweetandyeasty,thesmellofdeath,likespoiledbread,dampandswollen,coatingwalls,nostrils,skin,anythingwithinreach,tryingtotagitall.EvenwhenIcouldnolongersee,Icouldstillsmelldeathcrawlingovermyskin.

"She'sinthere?"Iask."Yes,"herfatherwhispers."It'sokay.She'llwanttoseeyou."Wetaketwomoresteps.Beforewecanevenseeher,wecanseemedical

equipmentjammingtheroom.Suctionpumps.Traysofgauze,mintymouthswabs,cupsofcrushedice,andstacksofwhitetowels.

Ethanstepsbackandsteadieshimselfagainstthewall."She'stoosicktobehere.Whyisn'tsheatahospital?"

Hermotheranswersfrombehindus."AllysisassignedtoComfortCareonly.Herliverisshuttingdown.Andherlungs.Heart.Kidneys.ShallIgoon?Prettymuchallofherorgansareinsomestageoffailure.Andontopofthat,herconditionhastriggeredsystemiclupus.Herbodyisbasicallyattackingitself."

"Whataboutatransplant?"Ethanasks."Whichorgan?Shehastoomanyinvolved.Thenumbersaddupfast.They

saidsheisbeyondsaving.""Therewasdamagewhenshehadherlastillness,"herfatheradds."We

knewthat.Buttheythoughtmedicationswouldcontrolthedamage.Shewasdoingsowell.Wethought..."

Hebreaks.Iwatchhimsob,hangontothewall,wipinghiseyes,embarrassed,andthenlookingdown,pinchingatthebridgeofhisnose.Hisshouldersquakeandsoftmoaningbreathsescapeashetriestosuppresshisgrief.Ihaveneverseenmyownfathersob.Butnowthesoftbreathsofthismancutthroughme,weakenme,andIfearImayfalltomyknees.ThesearesoundsIhaveheardbefore.Thesoundsofagrownmancryingwhenthereisnothinglefttodo.Thesoundsofmyfather.

IgrabEthan'sarmandpullhimintotheroom.Allysturnsherheadasweenter.Ethancan'tsuppresshisreaction."Oh,God."

"You'renoprizeeither,Ethan."Hervoiceisraspyandweak."Allys,"Isay.Sheissmall,sunkenintosheetsandpillows,likesheis

alreadyhalfswallowedupbyanotherworld.Exceptforherrightarm,her

prostheticsaregone,storedaway.Herstumpsbarelypeekfromhergown.Anoxygentubeliesacrossherupperlip,andalargepatchispressedagainstherchest.

"Comecloser,"shesays."It'shardtotalk."Ethangoestoonesideofherbed,andI,totheother."Wedidn'tknowyou

weresosick,"hesays.Shesmiles,herlipsaweakyellowsmearacrossherface."That'san

understatement.I'mdying.Whenorgansstartshuttingdown,itdoesn'ttakelong.Ialwaysknewitwasapossibility.Myparentswereindenial."Shemakesaneffortatachuckle."MaybeIwas,too."Shecoughs,herfacewincinginpainfromtheeffort.Shepressesabuttononapadnearherfingertips.Thepatchonherchestclicks."Sweetelixir,"shesaysandsmiles.

"Allys,isthereanythingwecando?"Iask."No,Jenna.It'sallbeendone.Thislittletrainwassetinmotiondecadesago

bypeoplewhothoughttheywereabovethesystem.Itwillprobablytakedecadesmoretostopit.OnlytheFSEBcanfixthismesswe'vemade.Butit'stoolateforme.WitheverythingIwouldneed,mynumberswouldbewayoverthetop.It'sthelaw,remember?"

Iamsilent.Forsomeonesosick,hervoiceisamazinglyharsh."Holdmyhand,"shesays.Ethanreachesout."No.Jenna.IwantJennatoholdmyhand."EthanandIlookateachother.Howcanyoudenyadyingpersonasimple

wish?Ireachacrossherbedandtakeherprosthetichand."Yourhandissosoft.Muchsofterthanmine."Shetouchesgentlyatfirst,thensqueezeshard.Shepullsatme."Closer,"shesays.Ileandownuntilmyfaceisclosetohers,hersweet,sicklybreathshotagainstmycheek.Shepushesupasfarasherleftstumpwillallow,andshewhispersintomyear.

Sheletsgoandfallsbackintoherpillow,andIstepback."What'sthesecret?"Ethanasks."It'snotasecret,"sheanswersandthencloseshereyes,hersweetelixir

doingitsjobforanotherfifteenminutes.Ethanswipesatoneeyewiththeheelofhishandandclearshisthroat."We

shouldgo,"hesays.Wesaygood-bye,butAllyshasalreadyfallenasleep.Herfatherwalksustothedoor.Hiscomposureisregained.Hehasreturned

tothetiredmanwhogreetedus,acircleofcalmofhisownmaking."Thankyou

forcoming,"hesays."Iknowitmeantalottoher."Hermotherhurriesouttotheporchbeforeweleave."You.Jenna.Youlive

onLoneRanchRoad,don'tyou?""Yes.""Ithoughtso,"shesays.Sheturnswithoutsayinganythingelseandgoes

backintothehouse.EthanandIleave,retracingthestepsthatbroughtushere.Wedon'tspeak

untilwegetouttothemainhighway."Iguessit'smootatthispoint,"Ethansighs."What'sthat?""Allyswon'tbetellinganyoneaboutyounow."Istareoutthewindow.ThelandscapesweepspastasagrayblurbecauseI

amfocusedonadistancesomewherebetweenthewindowandtheworldaroundme.AninexactdistancethatholdsnothingbutAlly'swords.Ethanunderestimatesher."Shealreadydid,"Itellhim."That'swhatshewhisperedtome.That'swhatshemeant.It'snotasecret.Shetoldherparents.Shetoldthemtoreportme."

AswathofredflushesEthan'sfacebeneathhiseyesandhishandstightenonthesteeringwheel."Iwon'ttakeyouhome,"hesays."Youcancometomyhouse.Anywhere.I'lltakeyousomewherewherenoonewillfindyou...."

Ethancontinueshisdesperateplansformyescape,butIfindmyselfdrifting,wonderingwhereEthan'sanywheremightbe,caughtupinaworldofmaybesandwhat-ifsandwantingtostaytherebecauseitisamuchsaferworldformetobeinthantheoneIam.

LeavingandStayingIalmostcould.Icouldalmostleaveandneverlookback.LikeMr.Bender,IcouldleaveeverythingIwasbehind,includingmyname.LeavebecauseofAllysandallthethingsshesaysIam.LeavebecauseofallthethingsIamafraidthatIwillneverbeagain.Leave,becausemaybeI'mnotenough.LeavebecauseAllys,SenatorHarris,andhalftheworld

knowsbetterthanFatherandMotherandmaybeEthan,too.Leave.BecausetheoldJennawassoabsorbedinherownneedsthatshesaidyeswhensheknowssheshouldhavesaidno,andtheshameofthatnightcouldbehiddeninanewplacebehindanewname.Butfriendsarecomplicated.Thereisthestaying.StayingbecauseofKaraandLockeandallthattheywillneverbeexcepttrapped.Stayingbecauseforthem,timeisrunningoutandIamtheirlastchance.StayingfortheoldJennaandallsheowesKaraandLockeandmaybeallthenewJennaowesthem,too.StayingbecauseoftenpercentandallIhopeitmightbeStayingbecauseofMr.Bender'serasedlifeandregrets.Stayingforconnection.

Stayingbecausetwoofmeisenoughtomakeoneofmeworthnothingatall.AndstayingbecausemaybeLilydoeslovethenewJennaasmuchastheoldone,afterall.Becausemaybe,giventime,peopledochange,maybelawschange.Maybeweallchange.

APlan

Ihaveanadvantage.AtfourA.M.intheblacknessofmyroom,Icanstillsee.Thehalllighthas

beenstrategicallydisabled.Istandbehindmydoor,twohoursbeforetheappointedtime,becauseIamahorseanddonottire.

AndbecauseIcan'tsleep.Feariscaffeinerunningthroughmyveinlessbody,jumpingfrombiochipto

biochip,circlingaroundmypreservedtenpercent,mybrain,onlyabutterflynolargerthantherealthing,butthemostimportantpieceofacreageinmyuniverse.Thedifferencebetweenstayingandleaving.Idonottire,butIcatchmybreathagainandagain.Betrayal.Loyalty.Survival.Sacrifice.Theybattlewithinme.

FiveA.M.Fiftyminutestogo.Isittoolatetochangemymind?WouldtheoldJenna

havejeopardizedherfutureforthesakeofsomeoneelse?Ileanclosetothewall,theopendoorsandwichingme,touchingmytoes.Inthedark,theywillneverseeme.IplayouttheplanforthehundredthtimeandthenIhearacreakontheloosefloorboardoutsidemydoorandmyrememberedheartfliestomythroat.Footstepsmovingintoplace.

Idon'tneedtolookatmyclock.Myneurochipsknowtothesecondhowmuchtimehaspassed.Itistime.Mybreathscomeingulps,andinaninstantIcurseandcherishneurochipsthatrememberandmimictoomuch.

Twentyminutesuntildawn.Now.It'stime.Ishakemyfingers.

Betrayal.Loyalty.Survival.Sacrifice.

Choose,Jenna.Iscream.Loudandlong.Icryout.Ilisten.Iheardoorsbang.Swearing.Ayell.Footsteps.Iscreamagain."No...stop...help!"Loudsoitvibratesfromthewalls.Twopairsoffootstepspoundupthestairscalling,"Jenna!"Twopairsoffootstepsrunningdownthehall.Secondsfrommydoorandan

emptybed.Fathercursesthelightthatisout.Seconds.Throughthedoor.Tothebed.Anemptybed.AndIslipout.Thedoorslamsbehindme.Lilyjumpsfromthedarknessand,inaswift,

practicedmovement,insertsandturnsthekey.Thelockeddoorthatwassupposedtoshutmeinjustincasenowholds

them,justincase."Hurry,"Lilysays,handingmeanotherkey."Youmaynothavemuchtime.

I'lltrytoexplain,calmthemdown.Butyouknowhowtheyare.Yourfathermayripthisdoorfromitshinges."

Thebangingandyellinghavealreadystarted.Itouchthedoor."Trytounderstand,"Isay.

"Jenna!Whatareyoudoing?Letusout!""Areyouokay?What'swrong?Jenna!"Thedoorquiverswithmyfather'sshoulder."Go,"Lilysays."Hurry."Itakethestairstwoatatime,myclumsyfeetstumblingtwice,myhand

grippingtherailingtokeepmefromafreefall.Itumbletotheflooratthelaststair,scramblingonallfoursasIrightmyself.IrundownthehallandgrabthecrowbarjustinsideLily'sdoorthatsheleftaspromised,andthenIburstintoMotherandFather'sroom,lettingthedoorbangintothewall.MyfingersshakeasItrytomaneuverthekeyintotheclosetlock.Itwon'tgoin!Isitthewrongone?Mother'sandFather'spoundingrattlethehouse.IcanhearMotherasclearlyasifIwerestandingnexttoher.Herorders,herpleading,andfinallyherfranticrealization,stabatme.Mylegsweaken.Hurry,Jenna!

"God,letitfit!"Icry,shakingandtwistingthekey.Itslidesin.Isobandturnthelock,andthedoorswingsopen.

"I'mhere,I'mhere,"Isay,feelingperilouslyoutofcontrol.Think.Slow

down.Iliftthecrowbarlikeaclub.Whichonefirst?Ilowerthebarandslideitbeneaththebracketonthefirstbackup.Kara.It

doesn'tbudge.Please.Iheavemyfullweightonit,andtherivetspoploose.Thebracketfliesintothewallanddowntothefloor.

Thesecondone.Locke.Threetries,andtherivetsbreakloose.Andfinallythethirdone.Jenna.Itouchthetopofthebackup,andadizzy

waveoverwhelmsme.Hurry,Jenna!Now!Islidethebarbeneaththebracket,andwithallmystrength,Ibeardownwithasingleswiftpush.Thebracketflieslooseonthefirsttry.

IremembereverydetailFathertoldmeaboutthebackups.OnceIremovethemfromtheirpowerdocks,theywillonlystayviableforthirtyminutes.Thespecialenvironmentthatholdsthemwillstopspinningandwillletthemgo.

Letthemgo.Where?CanIdothis?Whatif...MyhandsshakeasIforcethemdowntolieonKara'sbackup.Please,Jenna.Myfingerssurroundthesix-inch-squarebox.Small,finite,andyetas

infiniteasablackholeinagalaxy.TheterrorandsolitudeofthatemptyworldfloodbacktomeandIpullaway.

Never,Fathersaid.Nothingoftheirhumanitywasleft.Theywillneverexistbeyondthesix-inchcube.

Ihearthemoansofananimal.Grieving.Myowncries.IlaymyhandsonKara'sandLocke'sbackups."I'msorry,"Isob."Iamso

sorry."Ipullthemfromtheirpowerdocks."Itwon'tbelong."Ilookatthethirdbackup.Mine.Whatdoyouneed,Jenna?What?What?Ineedtoownmylife.Ipullitlooseandcrossaninvisibleboundaryfromimmortaltomortal."Thisisthebeginning,"Iwhisper.Therealbeginning.Igatherthebackupsinmyarms.Waitinghereforthirtyminutesistoorisky.

Iunderstandaboutriskmanagement,too.MotherandFatherareresourcefulwhenitcomestome.Onethindoorwon'tholdthemforlong.It'stimetocompletetheplan.Thebackupsneedtobesomewheresafewheretheycan'tbereachedforatleastthirtyminutes.

Ihearaloudcrack.Lilyyellsfromabove."Jenna!"Shedoesn'thavetotell

me.Fatherisdetermined.IrundownthehallwayandyellasIpassthestaircase,"Tellthemtolook

outmywindow!"Ihurrythroughthekitchenouttotheverandaanddowntheslopetothe

pond.Dawnisfingeringthroughthetreesandrooftops.Iclimbontothegraniterockattheedgeofthepondandlookbackatmyhouse.MotherandFatherareatmywindow,throwingupthesash.

"Jenna,no!""ForGod'ssake,no!"ItakeKara'sbackupinmyrighthand."You'refree,"Isay,andIthrowitin

theair,asoaringbirdinavioletsky.Itdescendsandsplashesintothemiddleofthepond,ripplesandsprayexplodingthequietglass.Locke'sbackupfollows,fallingnottoofarfromKara's,thelowripplesofthetwomeeting,intertwining,andgentlyfanningouttobecomenothingatall.Gone.

Itakethethirdbackupintomyhand.Therearenoscreamsfromthewindowbehindme.Acceptance?Thefinalstageofgrief?It'sover.Theyknowit.AndIknowit.ThefinalfallofJennaFox.Ameregirl,likeanyother.

Thecubefliesfrommyhand,highintothesky,anditseemstohangthereforamoment,almostsuspended,free,andthenitfalls,disappearingfromthisworldandjoininganother.

Iholdmybreath,waiting.Thereisnofanfare.Thesundoesn'tstopitsascent.Thecoothensareonly

mildlydisturbedatthebriefintrusionandcirclebacktothecattailstoresumetheirbreakfast.Onesmallchangedfamilydoesn'tcalculateintoaworldthathasbeenspinningforabillionyears.Butonesmallchangemakestheworldspindifferentlyinabillionwaysforonefamily.

Andforme.TheonlyJennaAngelineFox.Isitontherock'sedgewatchingtherippleslosetheirbulkandenergy.But

gone?Whocanexplainwhereenergygoes?Thepondreturnstoglass.Onthesurfaceitmaylookthesameagain,butitisforeverchangedbywhatlieswithin.

Ihearfootsteps.Soft.Slow.Theystopbehindme.Lily'sfootsteps."Iletthemout,"shesays."Ishouldgoin.""They'llneverforgiveme."Istandandbrushthegritfrommyhands."Theworld'schanged.That'swhat

youtoldme.Ithinkthatmaybeforgivenessislikechange—itcomesinsmallsteps."

Shereachesout.Ifoldintoherarms,andsheholdsmetight,strokingmyhead.Neurochiporneuron,itdoesn'tmatter,Iamweakwithherscentandtouch.

Shestepsback,stillholdingmyshoulders."Go.Getitoverwith.I'llbeinsoon."

Thehouseisstill,likethebreathhasbeenpunchedoutofit.Alowrisingsunfloodsthekitchenwithsoftpinklight.Thebreakfasttable,normallythemorninghub,isempty.Iwalktothehall.Asmalltriangularpatchoflightilluminatesonewall,butdarknesspaintstherest.IstepclosertothestaircaseandamstartledtoseeClaireintheshadows,sittingonthelanding,slumpedagainstthebanister.Iclimbthestairsandeasemyselfdownnexttoher.ShestaresintospacelikeI'mnotthere.

"Mom—""Theymighthavesavedyou,youknow?"Hervoiceisbarelyawhisper."If

thereareeveranycharges—""Yes,theymighthavesavedmeinoneway.ButIwouldhavelostmyselfin

otherwaysthatIcouldn'tlivewith.Ididforthemwhattheywouldhavedoneforme."

"Jenna,"shesighs."Ifit'samistake,it'smymistake.Givemethat."Shetiltsherheadback,lookingup,slightlyrocking,likesheistryingtosift

theeventsoutofherself.Fathercomesaroundthecornerandpauses,staringatme,hisarmslooseat

hissides,hishairuncombed,andhisfacelined.Heclimbsthestairsandbreathesheavilyashesitsonthestairbelowus.

Heshakeshisheadwithoutsayinganything.Shakingitmuchtoolong,andaknotgrowsinmythroat."Youdon'tknowtherisks,Jenna,"hefinallysays."Youjustdon'tknowtherisks."

Iputmyhandonhisshoulder."MaybeIjustknowdifferentrisksthantheonesyouknow."Hedoesn'treply."I'mheretoday,thesameasyou,"Isay."Isn'tthatenough?"

Heissilent,butatleasthisheadhasstoppedshaking.Hefinallyreachesupandlayshishandonmine.Motherlooksatme,hereyesfocusedonceagain,fullofsomethingthatIamcertainhasnowordordefinition.SomethingtheoldJennaneversawandsomethingthenewJennaisonlyjustunderstanding.Shebreathesindeeplyandputsanarmaroundeachofus.Weareatangledwebofarmsandtears,meltingandholding.Wesitinthedarkcavernofstairs,giving

ourselvestimelikeweareastarfishregeneratinganarmandlearninghowtomoveagain.

Lilyappearsatthebottomofthestairs.ShelooksatMother,hereyeshopeful,filledwiththesomethingthatoccupiedClaire'sjustamomentago.MotherliftshergazetomeetLily's,alongexchangeinalanguageonlytheyknow.AndfinallyClairesighsandasks,"ShallIputonapotofcoffee?"

Abillionyearsofspinning.Wearenotimmunetomomentum.Lilynods."I'llhelpyou."Weuntangleourselvesandarejustatthebottomofthestairswhenthereisa

firmknockatthedoor."Whocouldthatbethisearly?"Claireasks."ItmightbeSimmons,"Fatheranswers.Ormaybesomeoneelse,Ithink.MaybesomeoneAllystold.Maybe

someonewhoishereforme."I'llhavetobreakthenewsthatwedon'tneedstorageanymore,"Father

saysashereachesforthedoorhandle.ShouldIwarnthem?Thedoorisalreadyswingingopen.Father'ssurpriseisobvious,andhe

hesitates,notknowingthevisitors.Motherstepsforward."Canwehelpyou?""AreyoutheparentsofJennaFox?"MotherandFatherexchangeglances.IseeMother'sbodyweightshift,like

shewillchangeintoawallifsheneedsto.Istepfromtheshadows."Yes,theyare,"Isay."We'reAllys'sparents,yourdaughter'sschoolmate.""Yes?"Fathersays."WeknowaboutJenna,"herfatherexplains."Ourdaughter—"Hisvoice

cracks."Ourdaughterisdying,"Allys'smothercontinues.Herfaceisrigid.

Frightening.Iwatchherswallow,herhandstightfistsathersides."Please,canyouhelpus?"Herrigidmaskbreaksandtearsfollow.Hersobsechothroughthehall.

"Comein,"Mothersaysasshereachesout,puttingherarmaroundAllys'smother.Sheholdsthesobbingwomaninawaythatsurprisesme.Likeshehasknownherforyears.Likesheunderstandseverythingabouther.

"Let'sgointomystudy,"Fathersays."Wecantalkinthere.""We'llbeawhile,"MothersaystoLilyoverhershoulder."Willyoubring

thecoffeeinwhenit'sready?"TheyslowlyusherAllys'sparentsintoFather'sstudyandshutthedoor

behindthem.LilyandIremaininthehallway,staringatthecloseddoor."Herewego,"shefinallysays.Ishakemyhead."Allyswouldn'tapprove."Lilyletsoutalongbreath."Whatdidyousayaboutchange?Smallsteps?If

theworldchanges,Isupposemindsdo,too.Sometimesitjusttakestimeandperspective."

Havemyperspectiveschanged?Yes.ButAllys?Theworld?"I'mnotsosure,"Isay."ButIsupposeyou'rerightaboutsomeperspectives.

Justafewweeksago,Ithoughtyouwereadickhead."Shesmiles,tiredlinestanningoutfromhereyesinawaythatseemslikewe

aresittingatherkitchencounterandnotthreeyearsandthreethousandmilesfromwhowewere.Sheputsherarmaroundme."Comehelpmewiththecoffee.Andifyoudon'ttellyourparents,I'llletyouhavesome."

BaptismWewalkthroughthechurchasthoughitisadaylikeanyother.Lilydips

herhandintheholywater,bendsherkneeandmovesherhandlikeamusicalnoteacrossherchest—she,onherwaytodiscussseedsandplants,andI,onmywaytomeetEthan.

Butitisnotadaylikeanyother.Somethingisdifferent.Somethingthatissmallandcommonlikeawhisper,butmonumentalandrareatthesametime.Istopinthecrosshairsofthechurchandlookupwardtothecupola.Iclosemyeyesandfeelthecool,smellthemustinessofhistory,woodandwalls,listentotheechoesofourshufflesandmymemories.Ibreatheinthedifferenceofbeingonthisearthnowandmaybenottomorrow,theprecipitousedgeofsomethingnewformebutasancientasthebeginningoftime.

Lily'sfeetshufflecloserandIopenmyeyestoseeherstandingjustinchesfromme.Herfingersarewet,freshlydippedintheholywater,andsheraisesthemtomyforehead.Iclosemyeyesagainandshewhispersaprayer,herhandtouchingmyforeheadandthenpassingacrossmychestandshoulders.

"Howcanyouknow?"Iask."Somethingsaren'tmeanttobeknown.Onlybelieved."

Adroponmyforehead.Hardlyenoughtofeel.ButstillenoughforLily.Andmaybeenoughforme.Washingawaytheold,believinginthenew.

Theworldhaschanged.SohaveI.

TwoHundredandSixtyYearsLaterIsitinthecenterofMr.Bender'sgarden.Hehasbeengoneforsomany

decadesIhavelostcount.Iliveherenow.ImovedherefortyyearsagowhenMotherandFather'shouseburneddown.They'vebeengoneevenlongerthanMr.Bender.

FatherwaswrongaboutthetwoortwohundredyearsIwouldlive,butI'mnotbitter.Faithandscience,Ihavelearned,aretwosidesofthesamecoin,separatedbyanexpansesosmall,butwideenoughthatonesidecan'tseetheother.Theydon'tevenknowthey'reconnected.FatherandLilyweretwosidesofthesamecoin,I'vedecided,andmaybeIamthespaceinbetween.

"Jenna?"IhearthecalloftheonlypersonontheplanetwhomIcannowtrulycallapeer."Thereyouare,"shesays.ItisAllys.Shedoesnothobble.Herwordsarenotharsh.SheisahappierAllysthantheoneImetsolongago.ThenewAllys.Twenty-twopercent.Notthatpercentagesreallymatteranymore.Thereareotherslikeusnow.Theworldismoreaccepting.Weworkedandtraveledformanyyearstocreateawarenessaboutpeoplelikeus.ButIamstillthestandard.TheJennaStandard,theysometimescallit.Tenpercentistheminimumamount.Butpeoplechange.Andtheworldwillchange.OfthatmuchIamcertain.

AllysandIlivetogethernow.Weareoldwomenintheskinofteenagers.AnotherfactorFatherandhisscientistsdidn'tcounton,thatbiochipswouldlearn,grow,andmutatebecausesomewhereinthattenpercentwasahiddenmessage:survive.Thebiochipsmadesurewewould.Howmuchlonger?Nooneknows.ButBioGelhasbeenmodifiedforfuturerecipientssothatnoonelivesbeyondan"acceptableandappropriate"time.Inouroldage,AllysandIgiggleaboutbeinginappropriate.Welaugheasiernowaboutalotofthings.

"Kayla'shome,"Allyscallsfromtheedgeofthegarden."Sendherouthere."IhadseventygoodyearswithEthan.Itwasn'tuntillongafterhewasgone

thatIwasbraveenoughtoarrangeforKayla.Shehashiscoloring,wit,loveofliterature,andsometimeshistemper.Butshehasmyeyes.Mybreathsbeginand

endwithher.ButIknowthatoneday,whenKaylaisofacertainage,IwilltraveltoBostoninwinterandIwillstaythere,takinglongwalksandfeelingthesoftnessofcoldsnowflakesonmyfaceonceagain,becausenoparentshouldoutlivetheirchild.

Sheboundsaroundthecorner."Mommy!""Shhh,"Isay,holdingmyfingerstomylips.Shequiets,fullofknowing

andanticipation,hereyeswideandready,andasIlookintothem—everytimeIlookintothem—IamremindedofMother,Lily,andthesomethingthatittookKaylaformetotrulyunderstand."Comehere,Angel,"Iwhisper,andshetiptoescloseandnestlesbesidemeonthebench.

Ireachintomypocketandasquadronofbirdsalreadyflutteratourshoulders.IsharemyfistfulofseedwithKaylaandweholdoutouroffering.Thebirdsareimmediatelyonourarmsandhands.Adozenormore.Andeachsolight.Afewouncesatmost.Theytakeuponlyahandfulofspace,andyettheirtouchfillsmeinimmeasurableways.Afewmiraculousouncesthatleavemeinawe.Andtoday,likeeachtimetheyhavelandedonmyhandforthepasttwohundredyears,Iwonderattheweightofasparrow.