The 99 Things Nobodys Going to Tell You
(Except for Me, Right Now)
By Mitch Garver
1. Put potato chips on your sandwich. Just,
trust me on this one.
2. Spend too much money sometimes.
3. Save your money (sometimes).
4. Become friends with your parents.
5. Buy that cute stranger at the bar a drink.
6. Fly a kite once a year.
7. The more you love, the more loved youll
feel.
8. You can sing, and you should loudly.
9. Brush your teeth after your morning coffee
to prevent staining.
10. Drink red wine through a straw to prevent
staining.
11. Smile.
12. Never let anybody speak down to you.
Youre braver than you think.
13. Try drugs (just not heroin or meth).
14. Adopt a pet.
15. Find that song that makes you feel like
crying, listen to it, and cry your eyes out.
16. Dont forget to change the oil in your car
(Ive done the leg work on this one).
17. Sleep in.
18. Invest (financially and spiritually).
19. Incest (dont do it).
20. Skip shampoos sometimes.
21. Drinking in a hot tub feels like a fun idea,
but will end up a regret.
22. Take the long way home.
23. Call into radio contests.
24. Give back.
25. Ask your grandparents how they met.
26. Keep your nasty comments to yourself (or
share them with a friend).
27. Read.
28. Find an extravagant recipe online, go to the
store to purchase the ingredients, go to the
frozen food section, notice theres a special
on pizza bagels, buy said pizza bagels and
throw that dumb recipe away.
29. Sit too close to the TV.
30. Learn a magic trick.
31. Men see things in a box and women see
things in a round room.
32. Dont bite your nails.
33. Take long walks.
34. The easiest way to make yourself feel better
is by making someone else feel better.
35. Memorize your favorite quote.
36. Shake hands firmly, with eye contact.
37. Tell somebody theyre beautiful.
38. Get black out drunk once. Do this with
someone who cares about you, someone that
wont let you take your top off and offer the
bartender a hand job in the broom closet;
someone who has your best interests at
heart.
39. Write a poem.
40. Learn to speak eloquently, with diction and
pride.
41. Gas station wine is not your friend.
42. Donating plasma is a fun way to give back
and an easy way to make a quick $40.
43. Visit your childhood home.
44. When you love someone, you tell them.
45. Throwing a wrinkled shirt in the dryer with
a wet washcloth will save your butt more
times than I can truly say.
46. Dont buy clothing in hopes that someday
it will fit. This makes no sense; you need
clothes that fit you here and now. Properly
fitting clothing is your best friend.
47. Expand your vocabulary.
48. You have intuitions, listen to them.
49. Pray.
50. Love yourself first.
51. Make people laugh.
52. Order that thing on the menu you cant
pronounce.
53. Premade sushi just dont.
54. Attend concerts.
55. Wake up early, drive to the nearest Krispy
Kreme and eat those fuckers while theyre
still hot.
56. Dont grow up.
57. Your childhood teachers know exactly who
you are. So, dont be afraid to say hello
when you see one out in public.
58. Everybody is on a special and important
voyage; yourself included.
59. Go dancing.
60. Wear hats.
61. Give someone a hickie.
62. Know that everything changes, people,
places, you.
63. Dont waste your time with classic books
and movies theyre pretty boring.
64. If classics turn out to be your thing, keep
that to yourself. Nobody cares how many
times youve read Moby Dick or what you
think about the camera angles in Citizen
Kane.
65. Vote.
66. Do that thing where you pay for the coffee
for the person behind you in a Starbucks
drive-thru. (Ive never done this for
anybody, nor has it happened for me, but I
feel like if I encourage you to do this then
maybe my free caramel macchiato is just
around the corner.)
67. Makes lists. Get it?
68. Paint your home in bright colors.
69. Surround yourself with those who make you
feel the most like yourself.
70. Understand that nobody else is going to
make you feel complete thats entirely on
your shoulders.
71. Dont forget where you came from.
72. Smoke tobacco (once), marijuana (until
you laugh), and crack (never).
73. Fall asleep on a beach.
74. Run a marathon. (Again, Ive never done
this. Probably never will. You should
though. Okay, I will too.)
75. Attend a variety of spiritual meetings and
come to the conclusion that were all just
looking for the same thing in life.
76. Learn how to cry.
77. Teach someone something only you can
teach.
78. Travel.
79. Get ONE credit card, and use it sparingly.
80. Cheat at Scrabble (Blerk and Flackle
can be words if you want them to. Hey, what
are you doing? Put down that dictionary).
81. Rely on Google less.
82. Realize how lucky you are.
83. Kiss him if you want to kiss him.
84. You dont have to hold doors for people or
even say please if you dont want to, but
know, youll look a little bit like a dick.
85. Call your mom out the blue just to talk.
86. Take risks. I cannot stress this one enough.
Safe feels fine and comforts are well and
good, but please be aware that the only way
to progress, grow and (most importantly)
thrive is take that step outside your comfort
zone.
87. Dont worry.
88. If you choose to ignore #87: Think of it this
way, the more you allow your mind to dwell
amidst your issues, the less time youll have
to allow your mind to wander and imagine.
89. Learn how to properly change a flat tire to a
spare.
90. Try to avoid breaking a heart.
91. Try to avoid having yours broken.
92. But, love.
93. Love, love, love until you feel like you have
no more love to give, and then love some
more because that shit flows freely deep
within you.
94. Surprise yourself.
95. Go fishing.
96. Reply with more than a simple good, or
fine when asked how you are.
97. Talk to yourself.
98. Inspire yourself.
99. Realize that this term, yourself, is a dear
one. You are the only person on the face of
this planet that even knows how to begin
being you. Youre going to feel like youre
doing it wrong, or that youre overdoing it,
but know, youre not. Youre you and thats
pretty cool.
