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techno craz e d

the businessp ers o n's guide to controlling techn o l o g y

bef or e it controls you

by Michael Finley

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20 9 6 Dayton Avenue

St. Paul, MN 55 1 0 4

6 1 2 - 644- 454 0

6 1 2 - 644- 5 2 2 6 FAX

e- mail: mfinley@skypoint.com

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Thanks for downloading the electronic version of TECHNO-CRAZED. Note that this book is copyrighted.

You are asked to pay $1 to the author by going to:

http://www.amazon.com/paypage/P3E H686PCTE71A

Thanks!

(c) 2 0 0 1 by Michael Finley; all rights reserv e d

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Table of Contents

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK ........................................

INTRODUCTION ........................................

IT AND US Living with technology

CHAPTER 1 ........................................

HOW SPEED HURTS US And why we can't slow it down

CHAPTER 2 ........................................

WHY WE DON'T "GET" TECHNOLOGY And whos e fault that is, and what can be done about it

CHAPTER 3 ........................................

COMMUNICATING WITH COMPUTER PEOPLE What to look for, what to ask for, and how to say it

CHAPTER 4 ........................................

WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD COMPUTERS The importanc e of a solid repair partner s hip

CHAPTER 5 ........................................

HOW TECHNOLOGY IS TURNING THE OFFICE UPSIDE DOWN

And how we can stay upright

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CHAPTER 6 ........................................

TECHNOLOGY WITHOUT BANKRUPTCY The challenge of affordabl e computing

CHAPTER 7 ........................................

CAN WE SURVIVE COMPUTING? Death and disea s e were not suppo s ed to be part of the deal

CHAPTER 8 ........................................

CAN THE EARTH SURVIVE COMPUTING? Eco- scheme s for user s worried about the world

CHAPTER 9 ........................................

HOW TECHNOLOGY MAKES LIARS OF US ALL The effect of computer s on characte r

CHAPTER 1 0 ........................................

THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN, AND WHAT IF IT DOES Eliminating the distanc e between technology and user

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Many ideas in this bo o k w er e expl or e d in different for m in Michael Finley's c olu m n "On the Edge" in the St. Paul Pionee r Pre s s and oth er Knight-Ridder Newspapers.

Other material appear e d in Computer User , Maximize, Po rtable Computing, Corporate Computing , Busine s s

Computing , and oth er publicati ons.

Copyright © 1 9 9 5 by Michael Finley. All rights reserv e d.

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I dedicat e this bo o k to tw o old- tim er auth ors wh o reshaped my thinking long ag o ...

... To Alvin Toffler, wh o s e bo o k Future Shock , published wh en I was in colleg e in 1 9 7 2 , told m e that techn ol o g y no long er bel o n g e d solely to techn o c r ats -- w e w er e all entitled to hav e our say.

... And to Peter McWilliams, wh o s e whi m si c al and very reada bl e The Per s onal Computer Book filled m e bac k in 1 9 8 1 with hunger to hav e on e of the m things, told m e that ev en po ets could play this ga m e .

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Ackno w l e d g m e n t s

This bo o k wasn't my idea. I was min din g my o w n business, writing a colu m n for the St. Paul Pionee r Pre s s wh en Andrea Pedolsky, my editor at Peterson's/Pacesetter Books, prop os e d the con c e pt to m e: a bo o k called Techno- Crazed that w oul d loo k at co m p utin g fro m a hu ma n perspectiv e. I had been writing about techn ol o g y fro m that perspectiv e for several years, so the bo o k see m e d like a go o d fit.

Andrea is very smart and very confid ent, and she so o n imparted a kernel of her confid en c e in m e, a notori ous pessi mi st. As to smartness, she left m e to fend for mys elf. I'm hon or e d by her trust and grateful for her reassuranc e and br o w - fanning at key intervals.

Others at Peterson's/Pacesetter Books also helped in big ways: Lenore Green b er g, Martha Kemplin, and Pam Wilkison. Thanks to my friend and professi on al index er Diana Witt, for straightenin g out my back matter. Thanks, every o n e.

Hats off as well to Mike Peluso, business editor with the St. Paul Pionee r Pre s s , and ma na gin g editor Ken Doctor, wh o co m m i s s i o n e d the colu m n . Writing a we e k ly colu m n in your ho m e town is great fun. If you are lucky en ou g h to be in St. Paul, Minnesota, by all m e a n s read the Pionee r Pre s s . It's an excellent ne ws pap er.

Here's to Kevin Reichard, wh o invited m e to write about techn ol o g y for the Computer User national tabl oi d chain, eight

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years ag o. It was a brav e, crazy, dubi ous idea: I kne w nothing about co m p ut ers exc ept that they wer e interesting to m e. Fro m such a slend er thread hangs all that has co m e to pass.

Thanks to my other sag e editors: Hilory Wagner, Michael Com e n dul, and Georg e Bond at Maximize/IDG, Steve Deyo with Computer User , Eileen Feretic at IBM's Beyond Computing and Rochelle Garner and Pat Houston of Ziff-Davis's no w- defunct Corp o r at e Computing.

Thanks to The Masters Foru m, a Twin Cities executive educati on group I write for, for givin g m e the time and spac e to co m p l et e this project.

Thanks to my two great friends and fello w ink- stained wretch es, Jerry de Jaager and Jim Thornton, wh o read the bo o k for m e at the elev e nth minute, and helped m e ma k e it better. Jerry, my co- editor at The Masters Foru m, was an icon (in the old sens e) of sy mpathy and supp ortiven e s s. Jim and I have been shackl e d tog eth er for years like Laurel and Hardy -- he is the funny, innoc e nt on e, and I am the fat, exasp erated on e -- and we w oul d be friends even if our young sons wer e not. Thes e guys are like the spider in Charlotte' s Web -- loyal friends wh o can also write -- and I am grateful to the m.

Thanks to Paul Finley, my dad, wh o read exc erpts of this bo o k and declared it bathro o m ready. "The secti ons are the perfect length," he said.

Thanks also to anoth er friend, so m eti m e colla b o r at or and business psych ol o g i st Harvey Robbins, wh o with m e and Andrea created Why Teams Don't Work (Peterson's/Pacesetter Books,

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1 9 9 5), and wh o has patiently waited on the sidelines till I finished my sol o bo o k and returned to our tea m.

Thanks to all the peopl e on my favorite ho m e t o w n BBSes that gave m e ideas and supp ort, the peopl e of the Twin Cities Citadel bulletin boards. Citadel isn't a fa m o u s BBS soft war e, but I love it, bec aus e it's easy and fast and allo w s the kind of rapid- fire exchan g e of a real con v ersati on. Thanks to Hue White, Jr. for dev el o p in g and maintaining it; and to sysops Dave Marquette (Topper), Bob Marz (Remi Fasolati), Mary Herman (mary mary) and Jim Moore (Jimb o) for their hospitality ov er the last ten years. And to all the BBSers that I may seld o m or never m e et, but wh o have been my friends and co m p a ni o n s in an other wis e lon ely professi on.

Thanks to the peopl e of the Usenet ne ws gr o u ps, especially the cur mu d g e o n l y cro w d at alt.folkl or e. c o m p ut ers. Their posts about end- user stupidity wer e si multan e o u sly enlightenin g, dis m a yin g, and hilarious. Thanks to Eric Hausmann, co m p il er of Tech Support Tales , at Junkspill@a ol.c o m ; his tales of blund erin g mis c o m p r e h e n s i o n curled thos e hairs that I had not already forci bly extracted. Thanks to Rand Lindsly and the ma ny contributors wh o contributed qu ot es fro m databas es on the World Wide Web.

I apol o g iz e also if I have repeated a misattribution or credited the wr on g speak er, althoug h I must point out that such errors bolster the point I ma k e so m e w h e r e in this bo o k that prop er credit in an era of free- flo win g data can be awfully hard to obtain.

Finally, I w oul d be re miss and in really big troubl e if I ov erl o o k e d my superfine wife and best friend Rachel and our blue-ribb o n offspring, Daniele and Jonathan. They kn o w better than any on e the true depths of my Techn o Craziness, have suffered

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throug h it with m e and, fro m all appearanc es, have forgiv e n m e. Unless they have really long m e m o r i e s and have so m et hin g truly grisly planned for m e, whic h I hop e they don't. x

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How to Read This Book

Every author w oul d love a revie w that says, "I couldn't put it do w n!" My hop e, ho w e v e r , is that read ers do not zip throug h Techno- Crazed in on e sitting. It is a bo o k of essays, a grab- bag of ideas with shifting m o o d s and e m p h a s e s. By turns silly and sole m n , it is a series of sprints, not a marath on trudg e. Readers are enc oura g e d to read non- linearly. Open it up and start any w h er e, like the Guinnes s Book of Reco rd s . If I could rec o m m e n d on e roo m of the hous e in whic h to read it, I'd have to go with the bath.

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Introd u c ti o n

It and usLIVING WITH TECHNOLOGY

I rec ently wr ot e a colu m n calling for a ne w approa c h to teachin g peopl e ho w to run soft war e. The gist of this argu m e nt is that the ma k ers of techn ol o g y are doin g their best on their side of the equation to ma k e produ cts easy to use; and users (most of the m, any wa y) are doin g their best on their side of the equation to learn fro m the mat erials provi d e d to the m.

What each side need s to do, the colu m n sugg est ed, is try harder to understand and appreciate the position of the other side. Custo m er s need to w or k to ov er c o m e their resistanc e to readin g docu m e n tati on, and to learn ho w to think m or e like a co m p ut er; co m p ut er and soft war e ma k ers need to create ne w- gen erati on, custo m docu m e n tati on that address es the need s of individual users.

In my min d the colu m n was a parag on of balanc e, favorin g neither side. But wh en I posted it to a Usenet ne ws gr o u p frequ ent ed by techn ol o g y peopl e, so m e of the denizens of that plac e erupted, fla min g m e with pure techie ven o m . They felt I was taking the side of "m or o n i c " custo m e r s ov er dec e nt, hard- w or kin g techies. Here's on e reply, whic h is insulting in the way that only indignant Internet old- timers can be:

Oh, come on Mike.

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You are just the most recent example of cluele s s journali st, having discove r e d the Internet or being told to discove r the Internet, who logs in and post s a truly stupid flamebait. You get des e rv ed ly flamed, so you go out and write EXACTLY the story you intended to write in the first place.

Having totally failed in grasping a clue, you pat yours elf on the back and tell yours elf and your reader s that all those folks who have spent years and years learning computer s are real mean SOBs simply becau s e YOU and your reader s are too damned lazy and stupid to crack a book.

In this, you are not at all differ ent from the pitiful folks who refuse to learn to drive, operate a TV, use a telephone, etc. etc.

Technology has pass ed you by and made your education obsol et e. The typical 12 year old is more technology savvy than you are and is more fit to survive in a technologi cal soci ety. Like any other endange r e d speci e s, this leave s you frightened, bewilder ed, and very angry.

Since you don't have the intellectual honesty to direct your anger at the REAL target -- yours elf and your lack of education -- you make the usual pathetic attempt to target the beare r s of the ugly mes sag e in the usual human tradition.

Sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you. If your current employe r expe ct s computer literacy, befo re you make the obviou s care er move, you need to be aware that McDonald's is a very, very high- tech job workplac e.

You had the opportunity to do your reader s a servi c e by pointing out that the state of today's technology is such that a bit

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of education IS REQUIRE D -- further, that if they wish to prosp e r in that soci ety, soone r or later they can expe ct to run into this problem.

If you had any real res ea r ch cred entials and reas oning ability, you would be aware that no matter how easy ANY technology is to use, there will always be newer technology con stantly emerging. Those who stay abrea st survive and prosp e r. Those who don't stay naked and huddle in cave s and freeze to death becau s e they refuse to learn how to make spearhead s and arrowhead s. Those soci etie s who simply pull a "Mike Finley" and kill the arrowhead- maker soone r or later, des e rv ed ly, beco me extinct.

At least you can rest easy knowing that the phras e "Mike Finley" is very likely to gain the same level of recognition on the Internet as that of Ned Ludd and his ilk.

In a few years, rather than posting about "luser s", we will all be posting about "Mike- Finley- user s" and their stupidity.

You, hopefully, will be sorting through trashcan s or sitting on a branch with the spotted owl- -which is more than you dese rv e.

Techi es as a class have the reputation of sitting on their feelings, but not this fello w . And he's right. Ordinary peopl e are expe ctin g that the tools painstakingly dev el o p e d ov er centuries by peopl e of the caliber of Leibniz, Babbag e and von Neumann -- wh o never in their wild est drea m s ima gin e d anything like the pers on al co m p ut ers we use today -- should be as easy to use as a vacuu m

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clean er. It ma k e s perfect sens e that such a collisi on of purpos es -- theirs and ours -- w oul d result in grotes qu e pain for both sides.

Which leav es the vast mi d dl e of us right there, in the mi d dl e , and feeling stress bec aus e of the contradicti on bet w e e n the superficial si mplicity of Windo w s 95 or the Mac interfac e or What-You- See- Is-What-You- Get w or d proc es sin g or Micros oft "Bob" and the dizzying 1 2- disk ette depth of detail just bel o w the surfac e.

Even wh en co m p ut er scien c e tries to appear si mpl e for our ben efit, it mas k s a frightful co m p l e xity. What is si mplicity, any wa y? Could any two us ever agree on what that si mplicity w oul d be like? The best we could do is supply vagu e hints, unsyste m atic wish lists that could vary wid ely fro m user to user. To a teach er of Boolean alge bra, it mi g ht be a key b o ar d with two keys, 0 and 1 . All digital techn ol o g y does, after all, is sort 0s fro m 1s. But to us that w oul d be a very unyieldin g kind of si mplicity, like the m o n o l ith that the ape race at the da wn of time in 2001: A Spac e Odys s ey could only scree c h at and beat on. The design of si mplicity is left to the masters of co m p l e xity, and rightly so.

This is the tension that ma k e s us crazy. When syste m s go do w n , we hop e our slend er thread of kn o w l e d g e will help us. It seld o m does. Techn ol o g y leads even the clev er est of our ape race around on a tether. We may flatter ourselv e s that we get it, bec aus e we kn o w ho w to select bullets of different shapes or get the deci m a l points to line up in thye tables create. Then, wh en techn ol o g y thro w s us for a loop, we feel betrayed -- the thread of kn o w l e d g e we wer e so proud of unravels in our hands.

INSERT BOX

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"A PC is like an Old Testament God.

Lots of rules, and absolutely no

mercy."

JOSEPH CAMPBELL1

This m o m e n t could go either way. My techie letter- writer wish es we w oul d either co m m i t to learning techn ol o g y at the high level he has, or else (this is my opini on) we should just go away and let hi m and his techie buddi es play with their toys. 2

Techn ol o g y will always be too hard for so m e peopl e. A few of us will never be willing to do the w or k nec essary to bec o m e co m p et e nt at our cons ol e s. The guarantee d 1 0 0 % no- brainer co m p ut er of the future may go on sale at Wal-Mart so m e day, but every o n e readin g this will be dead by then.

Despite an oc ea n of mis gi vin g s and cater waulings, we are m o v i n g towar d effortless, zero- training co m p utin g. Systems are ten times easier to use today than they wer e ten years ag o, in so m e ways. That is go o d ne ws. The bad ne w is, we ain't there yet. And we may never be truly happy with our tools. I dou bt there will ever be a state of zero disparity bet w e e n us and our ma c hin es, until we hard wir e the m into our cere bral cortic es, an opti on I heartily rec o m m e n d in Chapter 1 0 .

INSERT BOX

"Men have become the tools of their

tools."

HENRY DAVID THOREAU3

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So the logical course of action is to acc ept that there will always be so m e degr e e of difficulty. It will always ma k e us a little crazy. Short of taking a 50- year nap and awak e nin g in the idiot- pro of future, we have no real alternative exc ept to learn, each of us in our o w n way, to live with whatev er con diti ons currently prevail.

My stepdad Dick

I got interested in co m p ut ers fifteen years ag o. The Apple II was a sensati on, Radio Shack was selling ma c hin es in shoppin g malls, the IBM PC was just around the corn er, and writer friends wer e abuzz about the ne w "w or d proc es s or s" that wer e co m i n g out. I was writing a bo o k at the time, and each revisi on had to be lab ori ously retyped on a Hermes steel type writer. I kne w it didn't have to be this way -- a year earlier, I'd w or k e d on a ne ws pap er that had w or d proc es sin g ter minals and I was in aw e of their ability to save and edit files and to m o v e around bl o c k s of text.

That m e a nt no m or e retyping, a god s e n d to all writers like m e wh o on a go o d day type may b e ten w or d s per minute. It spelled an end to the drudg ery of writing. I pro m i s e d mys elf I w oul d use the proc e e d s fro m that first bo o k to buy an Apple II or a TRS-80.

Fifteen years and about as ma ny bo o k s later, I have exchan g e d the Hermes 30 0 0 for a 486 PC clon e -- my sixth co m p ut er, counting portabl es. Thoug h I am no techie, and quickly get lost wh en talk takes a turn for the technical, I have a gen erally go o d feeling about ma c hin es and progra m s . But I kn o w very well that ma ny peopl e don't feel that way.

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My stepda d, Dick, was a great guy wh o o w n e d a small trucking and exca vating co m p a n y near Clevelan d. Dick ran his business on an infor m a l, fa mily, first-na m e basis. He often paid in vash and was paid in cash. His wh ol e enterprise ran on a handshak e basis. And he loathed co m p ut ers. When he heard I had on e, he ba wl e d m e out. "Th os e sons of bitching co m p ut ers are no go o d , I tell ya. One of these days every o n e's goin g to wa k e up to that." His logic escap e d m e -- his often did. He drov e a truck; why couldn't I run a PC? How was his co m p li c ate d ma c hin ery all that different fro m my co m p li c ate d ma c hin ery?

Dick was just plain scared. His m o d e st shell ga m e s with cash and barter couldn't hop e to fool the auditing mainfra m e s of the go v ern m e n t. And he sa w the ne w gen erati on of lab- coated technicians as an alien race that wer e subtly displacin g hi m and the other guys fro m the neigh b o r h o o d . Me bec o m i n g on e of this bland ne w race was a kind of treas on.

Dick passed on a few years ag o, and I hop e he has found peac e in a co m p ut erl ess hea v en, with flirty waitress es and lots of ethnic jok es. But the w orl d is still populated with peopl e troubl ed by the things that troubl ed hi m:

ƒ a w orl d of techn ol o g y run by experts, often to the detri m e nt of averag e peopl e wh o never get with the progra m ;

ƒ a w orl d in whic h Big Brother is a co m p ut er, and no on e keeps any secrets fro m hi m;

ƒ a w orl d of abs olute, indisputabl e m e a sur e m e n t s, wh er e a handshak e or a wink or a roaring laugh carry no wei g ht at all.

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This magic moment

Right no w is an imp ortant m o m e n t in co m p ut er history. Extraordinarily talented co m p ut er scientists have created a w orl d in whic h al m o st anything is possi bl e. At the sa m e time, ordinary peopl e are de m a n d i n g to be part of the action. The two ends of the spectru m are rushing to m e et on e anoth er: gigafl op geniuses versus the PC peasantry. The geniuses prop erly bel on g out on the cusp, co m i n g up with ne w things, whic h, bein g ne w, are always hard. We peasants ben efit fro m this quest for the ne w, but mainly in the long ter m, i.e., wh en the ne w has bec o m e old.

Short-ter m, we wish the geniuses w oul d focus on our need s today for si mpl e, easy- to- use ma c hin es and progra m s . While the geniuses push the envel o p e pursuing things the rest of us can't even hold in our min ds, we wish they w oul d focus on incre m e n tal impr o v e m e n t s to existing tools. They create ne w w orl ds; we just want to avoi d assigning function keys.

What keeps this unique m o m e n t fro m bein g a happy on e is that we are all of us at war. Techn ol o g y has e m b r o il e d produ c ers and users in a war of nerves. It is not true to say that m o st techn ol o g y peopl e are indifferent to the need s of ordinary custo m e r s. But so m e are, and I have an exa m p l e.

Technophobia

GILL ETTE RESIDENT IS ARRESTE D AFTER SHOOTING HIS COM P U T E R

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A Gillette man was arre sted at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, acco rding to polic e.

The man, Micha el A. Cas e, 35, of 64 Summit Avenue, was arre sted shortly after 11 PM at his hous e, when polic e said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot- up IBM pers onal computer with a Princeton Graphic s System monitor.

The monitor scre en was blown out by the blast s and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tass el said on Monday. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardwa r e, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in variou s area s next to the computer, Van Tass el said.

"The only thing he (Ca s e ) said was that he was mad at his computer so he shot it," Van Tass el said.

Cas e was surpris ed when polic e arre sted him becau s e he didn't think he was breaking the law, Van Tass el said. "He couldn't under stand why he couldn't shoot his own computer in his own home," Van Tass el said. 4

I onc e kne w a ma n wh o could not w or k in an offic e bec aus e he said the nois e of the ma c hin es -- the whir of fans, pulse of the co m p ut ers, faint hu m of fluores c e nt lights -- disc o m b o b u l at e d hi m. He truly belie v e d the ma c hin es wer e malici ous spirits, de m o n i c entities conspiring to shatter his serenity. Of course, his sm o k i n g an ounc e of pot a we e k proba bl y didn't help matters.

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Can ma c hin es ma k e us crazy? I'm assured that they can. We can all conjure ima g e s of techn ol o g y fraying our nerves to the breakin g point. Smok e and sparks bill o w i n g fro m our hard drive slots. A m o d e m that refuses to dial a nu m b er. A 90 0- pag e ma nual that tells everything you want to kn o w about a produ ct exc ept ho w to ma k e it w or k.

Techi es call any on e wh o can't hop onto their level of thinking techn o p h o b e s -- a w or d too often used to m e a n too ma ny things. Techn o p h o b i a is what techies call thos e peopl e wh o cann ot figure out ho w to use stuff, wh o neither invest in techn ol o g y , try to learn it, or, if forc ed to learn it, rely exclusively on technical supp ort peopl e instead of readin g the docu m e n tati on or attending con v e nti o n al training sessi on s. It sounds like an out for the techn o averse -- techn o p h o b i a bein g a con diti on we can't help, thus relievin g us of resp onsi bility for our actions (and our inaction).

INSERT BOX

"I saw the best minds of my generation

destroyed by madness."

ALLEN GINSBER G 5

Technopho b ia , used this way, is a bla mi n g diagn osis, a caricature depicting so m e o n e wh o acts like a delib erate m or o n around co m p ut ers. To be hon est, so m e of us are delib erate m or o n s

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around co m p ut ers. On a bad day, we all are. But it's still a pretty m e a n thing to say about so m e o n e .

Every year we read in the paper about so m e po or soul like Michael Case, wh o tried for years to do right by the things around hi m, but wh o, in a berserk m o m e n t of passion, took out his frustrations on his televisi on, or his PC, or a pay phon e, with a rev ol v er. The story will elicit our amus e d sy mpathy, as we ima gin e the sm o k e and static rising out of the strick en ma c hin e. We all have felt that way fro m time to time, but had only half the hard war e on hand.

INSERT BOX A

"Guns don't kill computers.

People kill computers."

ERIC F. JOHNSON6

Psych ol o g i sts speak clinically of techn o p h o b i a as a genuin e and so m eti m e s crippling con diti on, in whic h the individual is si mply unable to deal with ma c hin es. Anxiety prevents certain peopl e fro m perfor m i n g tasks as si mpl e as dialing the teleph o n e. The con diti on is treated as other irrational pho bias are: victi ms are asked to descri b e the w orst thing that could happen in an enga g e m e n t with a co m p ut er or teleph o n e or VCR or databas e. Of course, there really is nothing life- threatening about these things (setting aside the erg o n o m i c probl e m s discusse d in a later chapter). The fear is unapol o g eti c ally irrational.

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The questi on the rest of us must ask ourselv e s is, if techn ol o g y ma k e s us a little crazy, and we don't want to be crazy, exactly ho w crazy don't we want to be? Because there is a continuu m of noncrazy, and each of us need s to select our prop er band w i dth within it. First, there's abs olutely not crazy . Your brain pulses in a pure alpha state, unencu m b e r e d by DOS ma nuals or call waiting. You sleep on the bea c h, and dine on crack e d coc o n uts and con c h. Warm breez es caress your toe- hairs. It's doa bl e , if you o w n the island, and your taxes are prepaid.

Then there's acceptably crazy . A little bit of tension is said to aid dig esti on. Without so m e tension, we lose our sens e of ourselv e s. Maybe we can pick and ch o o s e whic h hassles we can put up with, and whic h on es we can put behind us.

And there's unacc eptab ly crazy , whic h is ho w ma ny of us feel no w. Confused: We don't kn o w ho w to ma k e this stuff w or k, bey o n d a few basic tricks. Fearful: What if so m et hin g go es awry wh en you really need it? Angry: Why didn't they tell us that " 1 0 0 % co m p ati bl e" m e a nt "99.9 9 % co m p ati bl e"? That warranties expire wh en the co m p a n y expires? That HIT ANY KEY does not m e a n finding a key that says ANY?

Techn ol o g y prov o k e s bip olar hu ma n resp ons es, co m p ulsi on and avoi da n c e. Compulsi on is Wow! It begins as giddy delight and mutates gradually into the beha vi or s of addicti on. Avoidanc e is Ack! It begins as mild resistanc e to an idea and mutates quickly into min dl ess denial.

We tend to vie w the w orl d as divid e d into these two ca m p s. Thos e wh o can and thos e wh o cann ot. In my vie w, it w oul d be m or e accurate to descri b e each of us this way -- as divid e d into a

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part that is genuin ely curious about techn ol o g y , and anoth er part that runs like a rabbit fro m it. Each of us has a different mix but each part can get us into troubl e.

Neither side is safe ground. We can easily underd o or ov er d o our attach m e nt to techn ol o g y . Going wh ol e hog ov er on e thing nec essarily m e a n s you cann ot go even partial hog ov er so m et hin g else. On the other hand, to withdra w entirely fro m a useful techn ol o g y like net w or kin g or multi m e d i a is to hide on e's head in the sand. It translates to lost produ ctivity, lost opp ortunity, lost "currency."

The two great w or k techn ol o g i e s -- co m p ut ers and the teleph o n e, and all that has sprung fro m each -- have ma d e us m or e produ ctive, ma d e us "w or k smarter," allo w e d us to ma k e m or e m o n e y , and dog g o n e it, they've ma d e our lives m or e interesting.

Having said all that, techn ol o g y has not co m e into our lives with out cost, to us as pers ons, or to us as a soci ety. In what ways has the infor m ati on age m o v e d us off our better bas e? We kn o w what we have gained. But what have we lost in the gaining?

The ten paradoxes

The cor e tenet of this bo o k is that the ma c hin es and progra m s we use to interact with the w orl d of infor m ati on cause us mu c h unhappin ess, frustration, and tension even as they increas e our produ ctivity. Thos e of us wh o don't "get" techn ol o g y feel shut out. Thos e wh o love it too mu c h feel their lives slipping out of kilter, as

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they mutate into techn o droids. And thos e of us in the mi d dl e are just depress e d at the high price our techn ol o g i c a l w o n d er s exact fro m us -- in m o n e y , in learning, in re- learning, in time, in waste, in our very health and peac e of min d. This bo o k is m o stly for this mi d dl e group -- the "walkin g w ou n d e d " of the w or kin g w orl d.

Techn ol o g y foists a series of mis era bl e parad ox e s upon us. Behind every pro m i s e it holds out to ma k e our lives easier and happier, it hides a knife it intends to stick in us so o n er or later. This bo o k is organized around these parad ox e s:

ƒ The speed of technological progres s ma k es it impossible to catch up.

Techn ol o g y races. Chip speed s, storag e require m e nts, produ ct upgrad es constantly de m a n d m or e fro m users. Speed creates m e g a stress within the techn ol o g y industry, whic h is then passed on to us. The result is a footrac e nearly every o n e loses -- users against the industry, peopl e against their ma c hin es, nations against nations, all of us against on e anoth er.

ƒ Technology is a com mo n langu age no two people spea k in com m o n.

Techn ol o g y gen eralizes. Industry treats users as if we are all the sa m e, like clon e co m p ut ers. But we are all different, and our differen c e s explain why so m e of us intuitively "get" techn ol o g y better than others.

ƒ Technology inevita bl y isolates its users.

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Techn ol o g y confuses. Sure, we have co m p ut er net w or k s and e-mail. But thos e of us wh o re m e m b e r the old days re m e m b e r wh en a tea m w or k e d all in on e roo m tog eth er. You had lunch tog eth er, you gossip ed, you ble w sm o k e in on e anoth er's faces. It was terrible, but it was inti mate. We always kne w co m p ut ers turned us into nu m b er s. But until the wall partitions went up, and the pass w o r d s wer e hand e d out, and the acc ount nu m b er s wer e assign e d, we didn't realize that we wer e units, as interchan g e a b l e as tires. The irony of conn e ctivity -- wh eth er throug h radi o, TV, phon e, fax, or m o d e m -- is that we only conn e ct m etaph ori c ally. We never really m e et. Because non e of us are quite sure what we're talking about wh en we talk about co m p ut ers, we tend to talk ov er our o w n heads. We nod as if we understand, and may b e we think we do. But we don't.

ƒ The more open the architect u r e, the more you need a third part y repair tea m.

Techn ol o g y breaks. We used to think car repair was bad. Finding a reliabl e repair party for your PC or phon e syste m is tough er. Few repair centers give custo m e r s a clear idea wh en a repair will be finished, or what the cost para m et ers are. Meanwhile, unless you have a backup syste m and back e d - up, ready- to- use data, you are mar o o n e d . You yourself are inop erative. You are br ok e n . You are "do w n ."

ƒ The technology- rich get richer, and the rest get buried.

Techn ol o g y disapp oints. While co m p ut ers pro m i s e produ ctivity advan c e s, the actual experien c e often co m e s up short of expe ctations. You chang e the way you w or k fro m top to botto m --

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and in the end you aren't ma kin g any m or e m o n e y . Worse, if you are an e m pl o y e e , and you do succ e e d in increasing produ ctivity, you may be reward e d by losing your job. If every w or k er is doin g the w or k of two w or k ers, the organization should require only half as ma ny w or k ers.

ƒ You can't afford it; you can't afford to be wit h o u t it.

Techn ol o g y costs. All this stuff, anal o g or digital, is as expensi v e. You save up $2,0 0 0 for a go o d laser printer, but the $2,0 0 0 is just the beginnin g. Every coupl e of m o nths will cost you anoth er $20 0 in cartridg es and other supplies. You tell yourself that the produ ctivity increas e justifies the expens e. But if it does, wh er e are the nu m b er s? Where are the dollars?

ƒ T hat whic h does not destroy you can still cause major proble m s.

Techn ol o g y mai m s . Magazine articles list a doz en ways w or kin g on a co m p ut er can hurt you. You can get carpal tunnel syndr o m e fro m a po or key b o ar d. Eyestrain fro m a quivering m o n it or ima g e s and glare. Backach e fro m ben din g all day ov er your ma c hin e. Hernias and tendinitis fro m lugging the ultra- lite note b o o k plus printer plus case plus ov er h ea d project or throug h Dallas- Fort Worth Airport. Miscarriag es fro m m o n it or radiation during pregnan cy. Brain tum ors fro m all thos e happy con v ersati ons on the car phon e. Maybe non e of thos e things happens to you, but you w orry about the m any wa y. How co m e they are never m e nti on e d in the ads?

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ƒ Syste m s designed to ma k e the world a better place instead place the world in jeopard y.

Techn ol o g y desp oils. It may see m clean and a friend to the earth. The m or e we exa mi n e techn ol o g y , ho w e v e r , the m or e we see it is creating significant toxic waste and solid waste probl e m s .

ƒ Technology doesn't lie, but it can easily ma k e a liar out of you.

Techn ol o g y corrupts. In sho w i n g us an easier way, it seduc es us into doin g everything that way. It tempts us to pretend we are things we are not. It creates veils and mas k s to hide behind, and be different than we are.

ƒ That whic h was supposed to comfor t us instead gives us the willies.

Techn ol o g y scares. The idyllic future pro m i s e d by co m p ut ers threatens to isolate us even m or e fro m on e anoth er, creating a class of techn ol o g y haves and have- nots, and foisting ne w con c e pts upon us that very few will be able to grasp.

Beyond these parad ox e s, co m p ut er techn ol o g y causes other distress, whic h we will discuss in passing:

ƒ It discriminates. It tends to invalidates ages- old skills and traditions, whil e rewardin g thos e with the affinity -- and the cash -- to e m b r a c e the ne w. It do w n g r a d e s right- brain (artistic, nuanc e d) talents and sets the left he m i sp h er e (analytical, binary) high on a ped estal. The info ba h n will have several classes for its passen g ers: first class, coa c h, and strand ed on the should er.

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ƒ It riles. In yesterday's corresp o n d e n c e , it was rare to write angry letters attackin g on e anoth er. In cyberspa c e, ho w e v e r , wh er e we never see our counterpart's eyes, it is co m m o n p l a c e . We lose track of ho w we co m e across to peopl e. We are like bo m b a r d i ers, dropping expl osi v e s fro m a great, safe height. The averag e ne w c o m e r to the Internet (new bi e) is wel c o m e d with the sa m e war mt h as the first mallard in duck seas on.

INSERT BOX

"Beyond a shadow of a doubt, it was

technology

that brought down communism."

DAVID HOCKNEY

ƒ It threatens. Infor mati on is the essen c e of po w er. Whoev er has infor m ati on about you has po w er ov er you. Whoev er has infor m ati on that you need and don't have has po w er ov er you. Despite a great deal of talk about ho w techn ol o g y de m o c r atizes -- e.g., the fax brigad es at Tienan m e n Square, consu m e r infor m ati on sharing on the Internet, Ross Perot's electr oni c town hall foru m s -- in the m e a nti m e it creates a two- tiered soci ety of thos e wh o have so m e techn ol o g y and and thos e wh o don't have any.

Put 'e m all tog eth er, they spell pain, a con diti on we are goin g to call techn o crazed -- a desta bilization of the hu ma n psych e br ou g ht on by little things ma d e of silic on and wires. We kn o w the probl e m starts in the co m p ut er brain. But the cure must co m e wh er e the pain is greatest -- in ours.

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Computer wisdom

We are all a little my o p i c wh en it co m e s to techn ol o g y . The wisd o m of the techn o p h o b e is to urge us to repent, and forg et we ever invented chips, pixels, and interfac es. The wisd o m of the techn o natural is that techn ol o g y is po w er, and the few wh o master it will also gain mastery ov er thos e wh o can't. The wisd o m of the rest of us is that co m p ut er techn ol o g y will have its way with us no matter what, so we may as well brac e for the onslaug ht.

Some w h e r e bet w e e n de m o n izati on, deificati on, and despair, there must be a sane approa c h to co m p utin g. Perhaps it go es so m et hin g like:

Grant us the ser enity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the differ en c e.

For us to ma k e peac e with the ma c hin es, we have to figure out our prop er relationship with the m. This relationship is different for every individual. Some of us will genuin ely thrive on a high techn ol o g y diet. Other of us will do fine with out even a mini m u m daily allo w a n c e of it. The imp ortant thing is not to sell ourselv e s short, to extract fro m techn ol o g y the m o st go o d that our pers on alities and attitudes will allo w .

INSERT BOX

"Everything is in a state of

metamorphosis.

Thou thyself art in everlasting change

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and in corruption to correspond

so is the whole universe."

MARCUS AURELIUS, 1st C. AD7

Tw o forc es can alleviate techn o craziness. The first is the techn ol o g y industry -- the peopl e wh o dev el o p , ma k e and sell ma c hin es and progra m s . Generally speakin g, they are dedi cated to ma kin g techn ol o g y m or e "pe opl e- literate" -- able to anticipate and relate to our lifef or m . But it is hard for the m. First, techn ol o g y is not easy; ma kin g it easy is on e of the m o st co m p l e x techn ol o g i c a l challen g e s there is. Second, co m p a ni es naturally seek advantag e ov er on e anoth er, and this prevents the m fro m always doin g the user- friendly thing, such as ma kin g co m p ut ers that all w or k alike.

The sec o n d and m or e po w erful forc e is you, the user. Only you kn o w what you want and need. Only you kn o w what you can afford, and what your special hang- ups and handicaps are. It's your job to get a go o d grasp on your pers on al limitations, so you are not suck ed into the mis ery/pov erty/des olati on that other wis e lie in store for you.

INSERT BOX

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes

exploded

if you tied them the usual way.

This happens to us all the time with

computers, and nobody thinks of

complaining."

JEF RASKIN 8

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Techn ol o g y in its happiest m o m e n t s ma k e s peopl e into god s of the Greco- Roman sort -- superhu m a n in capa bilities but retaining our very hu ma n nature. The probl e m is, it has also br ou g ht upon us prof oun d frustrations, anxieties, and pain. Instead of ma kin g us god s, it has turned us into dog s -- our go o d will abused, our loyalties taken for granted.

Techn ol o g y is a hous e gu e st that has taken up residen c e in our lives unbid d en. We have the opti ons of wel c o m i n g the guest war ml y or givin g hi m the cold should er. It does n't matter, bec aus e the guest is here to stay no matter what you do, like so m e crazy, invasive uncle wh o butts into every con v ersati on. You can shush hi m all you like, but Uncle Iggy will not go away.

The attain m e nt of techn o wisd o m requires that each of us walk a pers on al tightrop e bet w e e n what the mark et offers and what is best for us. Industry can ben d ov er back w a r d s until it falls ov er, trying to m e et peopl e's need s. But at so m e point we have to master ourselv e s and ma k e peac e with our ma c hin es.

I hop e this bo o k equips 98- pound techn o wea klin g s with wea p o n s to help the m resist the predati ons of techn o bullies, and illu minates a path way to serenity for the techn o obs e s s e d , wh o have let ma c hin es get the better of the m. I want it to help you neg otiate the tightrop e of techn ol o g y . It explains wh en it's defensi bl e to be a nut about techn ol o g y , and wh en it's OK to turn your back on it. Perhaps m o st imp ortant, I want it to help you find your appropriate level of invol v e m e n t.

One m or e thing. If you ma na g e to attain wisd o m , or a se m b l a n c e of wisd o m , or if all you succ e e d in doin g is bec o m i n g a little less techn o crazed, just wait a bit. Something ne w and

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w o n d erful is head e d your way, and it will ma k e you crazy all ov er again.

Marginal matter, Introduction

"If the automobile had followed the

same development cycle

as the computer,

a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100,

get a million miles per gallon,

and explode once a year,

killing everyone inside."

ROBERT X. CRINGELY9

"Never let a computer know

you're in a hurry."

ANONYMOUS

"In a way, staring into a computer

screen

is like staring into an eclipse.

It's brilliant and you don't realize

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the damage until its too late."

BRUCE STERLING1 0

"My nephew Edward says machines

are like dogs. They can sense

when you don't like them."

MARY MCGRORY1 1

Why computers are complicated

First, what a PC does is invisible to the eye. The microscopic pathways of the microprocessor, the light beam of the laser, the electrical stream racing through the system, cannot be observed and thus are difficult to comprehend. A PC is not like a toaster or typewriter, where if you push the button, you see the light go on or the gear turn around.

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Second, hardware and software designers are not typical users. Engineers naturally think like engineers, not like non-engineers. They are not interested in the rear guard, where the great mass of us pitch our tents. Their fascination is the avant garde, which they alone can understand. The products they create for one another are wheeled down to us with no love and even less interest.

analog. As opposed to digital. It is used to describe transmittable information that has not yet been reduced to numerical values (i.e., digitized). The phone is an analog technology

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because the voice vibrations it transmits are "analogous" to your real voice.

biff. A verb, meaning how your Internet program alerts you to incoming mail. Supposedly derived from the sound dogs make at approaching mailmen.

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Chapt e r 1

How speed hurts usAND WHY WE CAN'T SLOW IT DOWN

Being a summary of how technology makes us more powerful, but in the process causes us anxieties our forefathers never dreamed of.

Let's put on our virtual history hel m ets and ima gin e a co m p o s it e invent ors' exhi biti on hall circa 1 9 0 0 . Row after ro w of ne w and impr o v e d inventi ons are on display, and every few feet vis or e d sales clerks ha w k their their ne wfan gl e d war es. An en or m o u s red, white and blue bann er proclai m s the the m e : "Years of Augmentation."

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The augmentation ball

Notice the young m e n and w o m e n -- your great- grandfathers and great- grand m o t h ers -- rubb er- neckin g at the ne w ma c hin es. How turned on they are by this idea of aug m e ntati on. For centuries the w orl d has chang e d very gradually. By the 20th century hu ma ns had advan c e d consid era bly bey o n d the scop e of their ancest ors. A hors e, a lever, a pu mp, a plo w all ma d e life easier by ma kin g on e pers on the equival ent of perhaps a half doz en pers ons. That's what our great- grandparents wer e, aug m e nt e d by a factor of six. Six-in-on ers.

INSERT BOX

"My God, it talks!"

DOM PEDRO, emperor of Brazil,

upon witnessing a telephone in

operation, Centennial Exposition,

Philadelphia, 18761 2

Then, alon g ca m e the first wa v e of co m m u n i c ati on s techn ol o g i e s , and the six- in- on ers beg a n to aug m e nt exp on e ntially. Great Grandpa and Great Grand m a sat at a type writer, or witness e d it in op erati on, and they intuited the idea of a single individual bec o m i n g a virtual publishin g co m p a n y. A doz en- in- on e.

They pulled the crank on an adding ma c hin e, and the teeth of the gears dug in, and the ca m s spun in, and Great Grand m a and Great Grandpa read the su m and realized that the co m p ut er of that day -- a hu ma n bein g with an ink pen, perch e d on a high sto ol,

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ben din g ov er a ledg er bo o k -- was instantly obs ol et e. A ma c hin e could do the w or k of a scor e of Bob Cratchits -- twenty- in- on e!

They watch e d a telegraph er tap out a m e s sa g e to so m e distant destination, and get a reply within m o m e n t s. Or they listened to the crackl e of a wirel ess trans missi o n, e m a n ating fro m so m e mysteri ous point, ma ny cities away.

The could have studied any of the other techn ol o g i e s that dev el o p e d into today's co m p ut er offic e hard war e -- Edison's tape rec or d er, whic h paved the way for today's data storag e syste m s ; or the cath o d e ray tube, whic h ev ol v e d into today's TVs and m o n it ors.

The co m m u n i c ati on s age our grandparents sa w da wnin g has w ou n d do w n , replac e d by our o w n age of infor m ati on syste m s and net w or k s. We sit in our offic es and ho m e s surround e d by the ma c hin es, engulfed in an oc ea n of electr ons that m e a n things. Fax ma c hin es, pers on al co m p ut ers, m o d e m s , fiber optics and ISDN path ways, the infor m ati on superhig h w a y.

What we are is enhan c e d and exp on e ntiated; in a w or d, augmented . Douglas Engelbart, rever e d today as "the father of the graphical user interfac e," used that w or d wh en he predicted in 1 9 6 3 what today's Macintosh and Windo w s co m p ut ers w oul d be like, in a fa m o u s essay titled "A Conceptual Fram e w o r k for the Augmentation of Man's Intellect." 1 3 He was the first pers on to think of the co m p ut er as a tool every individual could use, that w oul d multiply that individual's abilities to think and learn.

The old w orl d was a plac e of varied things. The ne w w orl d, aug m e nt e d by co m p ut ers, is by and large a plac e of nu m b er s. We have assign e d nu m b er s to everything, so that everything can be

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repres ent ed on the screen, al m o st real. Pixels repres enting actual brushstrok e s are nu m b er s. A poe m of heartfelt e m oti o n is a series of cod e d hexad e c i m a l s in a w or d proc es sin g progra m . A printout of a brain scan, sho w i n g what you are, inside wh er e you think, is just a shifting array of zeroes and on es, on's and off's.

INSERT BOX

"Life was simple before World War II.

After that, we had systems."

GRACE HOPPER1 4

The nu m eralization or digitization of the w orl d is the sourc e of our aug m e nt e d po w er s. If the w or k er of two gen erati ons ag o was a six- in- on er, what is the w or k er of the infor m ati on age? The w or k er fills a doz en different functions with out breakin g a sweat -- servin g as on e's o w n typist, acc ountant, tax preparer, librarian, file clerk, purchasin g agent. Moreov er, the w or k er is linked by a dotted line to the accu mulated kn o w l e d g e of milli on s of peopl e.

When the ornate lattice w o r k of the infor m ati on net w or k is finally laid ov er top of us, each of us will be aug m e nt e d to stratosph eric levels -- a milli on- in- on e and better.

We are still far fro m bein g fully aug m e nt e d . Every day we add ne w po w er, bec aus e every day the techn ol o g y availabl e to us bec o m e s m or e po w erful.

Computers have advan c e d to the point wh er e they can exp on e ntiate the m s el v e s . Every m o nth so m e ne w speed barrier falls -- milli on s of instructions per sec o n d (MIPs), billions per sec o n d

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(gigafl ops), trillions (teraflops), bytes per sec o n d (bps), a milli on cycles per sec o n d (meg a h ertz or MHz) and so forth. No on e dares put a limit on future possi bilities, including co m p ut ers ma d e of single m o l e c ul es, and single ato m s , op erating at the speed of light.

Computer techn ol o g y is electr oni c. It is driven by electr ons, with the theor etical capa bility of coursing at superc o n d u cting speed s -- the speed of light, 1 8 6 , 0 0 0 mil es per sec o n d . Even slo w e d do w n by copp er wire, electricity isn't so m et hin g you want to get into a footrac e with.

Then consid er the corn erst on e of today's offic e techn ol o g y , the mi cr o c h ip. A proc es s or chip is essentially a maz e, si milar to thos e Crackerjack prize ga m e s in whic h you try to get the ball bearings to foll o w the path way to the holes punch e d in the card b o ar d. Only the ball bearings are electr ons, and the path ways within the puzzle are ma d e of logic -- yes, no, if, then. All these decisi on s are ma d e at speed s that even in the first pri mitive chips wer e descri b e d as blinding. Blinding is proba bl y not the best adjectiv e, consid erin g that the proc es s is invisibl e, but it stuck, and we are stuck with it.

Chips keep getting faster. Moore's Law states that the po w er of mi cr opr o c e s s o r chips dou bl es every 1 8 m o nths, with no increas e in cost. In the actual mark etplac e Moore's Law is clos e to holdin g true:

Intel chips Released Clock speed (MHz)

8088 1978 4.77-10

80286 1984 6-20

80386 1986 16-33

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80486 1989 25-66

Pentium 1993 40-100

So you have an ec on o m y in whic h the cor e ite m dou bl es in po w er and speed about every year and a half. Imagine any other industry abs or bi n g such rev oluti on ary advan c e s with such rapidity. An auto wh o s e basic engin e can attain 1 0 0 mil es per hour in year on e, w oul d easily cruise at 7,0 0 0 mil es per hour within 1 0 years. Today's washin g ma c hin e w oul d whisk every vestig e of gri m e fro m your cloth es in 30 sec o n d s. Each matc h in a bo o k w oul d have thro w- wei g ht of a quarter stick of dyna m it e.

Further m o r e , the ratcheting up of ma c hin e speed appears unstoppa bl e . As it speed s up, everything else speed s up with it. It chang e s everything about life -- the way we w or k, the way we plan, the way we think. Few of us appreciate the quantu m nature of this acc el erati on, in particular the do w n si d e of things happenin g so fast.

What speed does to the industry

Speed is the arch en e m y of serenity. It is stress in italics.

OK, you say, exactly ho w does the speed of so m e do o d a d inside a co m p ut er affect my life? Besides, speed is nice, on roller coasters, or if you are late for a m e etin g 20 mil es away. Speed gets things don e faster so you have m or e time to (yawn, stretch) kick back. How does Moore's Law, a yardstick for the co m p ut er industry, not m e, stand bet w e e n m e and my bliss?

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Obvi ously, co m p ut er techn ol o g y enhan c e s our lives in ma ny ways, and few of us, even rec ounting the negative aspects of co m p ut ers, want to go back to the unaug m e nt e d days of toil and repetition. But the negatives must still be taken into acc ount. What foll o w s is a top- do w n depicti on of ho w the stress and tension ja m-pack e d into a mi cr opr o c e s s o r ma k e s its way fro m the cleanr o o m to your roo m and finally into your psych e.

First of all, chip speed keep s the computer industry on a short, tight leash . If an entire industrial co m m u n ity survives by ma kin g soft war e or periph erals that run on, say, an Intel Pentium chip, then that co m m u n ity has a short lifeti m e in whic h to dev el o p produ cts that w or k with the e m er g in g chip. To ma k e matters even m or e frantic, hard war e techn ol o g y is driven by a soft war e counterpart -- co m p ut er op erating syste m s . You want to have your produ ct design e d , debu g g e d , ma nufactured, shrink- wrapp ed and on the shelv es whil e OS2/Warp or Windo w s 95 or System 7.2 are still current. It's an excruciatingly narro w horiz on, and it quickly go b b l e s up any venture cash that a small start-up co m p a n y has ma na g e d to set aside. There are no sec o n d chanc es -- you co m e in first in the sprint, or you lose. Software dev el o p ers tear their hair out at these time constraints. The mark et is extre m e l y unforgi vin g wh en produ cts are releas e d pre m aturely. Yet the task of prop erly co m p ilin g a maj or soft war e applicati on is inescapa bly lab ori ous and time- consu m i n g .

Sales and mark eting peopl e loo k at the calend ar and swall o w hard. If their produ ct reach es the mark et a m o nth after a co m p etin g produ ct fro m Micros oft or Borland, it will have to be twic e as go o d to win favor, and even then ma g azin e editors are likely to ya wn and say, "But we just did a w or d proc es s or cov er article in January."

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Speed undermine s quality assuranc e . If you have a narro w wind o w of opp ortunity to expl oit (a twelv e m o nth dev el o p m e n t cycle) and an narro w e r mark et wind o w (ten m o nths of shelf life bef or e the next m o d e l supersed e s yours), you have to m o v e fast, and that m e a n s cutting corn ers. New co m p ut er produ cts are m or e likely to fail in so m e way than just about any other applianc e or electr oni c gad g et you can buy. Why? Because the best co m p a ni es have the hardest time m e etin g de m a n d . To get produ ct out the do or, or to ma k e a profit on a narro w mar gin, co m p r o m i s e s are ma d e, and the produ cts are either mal c o n fi gure d or includ e a bad part. An hour after repackin g and pluggin g in, you're on the phon e, and the heelprint of betrayal and disapp oint m e nt is visibl e upon your countenan c e.

Speed destroy s the best and brighte st of our talent , and they disappear forev er. No industry attracts such talented peopl e, and then burns the m out m or e quickly and m or e irre m e d i a b l y, than infor m ati on techn ol o g y . And thos e wh o m techn ol o g y does not destroy it distracts. Think ho w mu c h happier a plac e the w orl d w oul d be if, instead of ma kin g ma c hin es that ma k e us break do w n periodi c ally into tears, these bright stars had dedi cated their talents to curing diseas es, ending warfare, pluggin g the oz on e hole. We kn o w we gained tiny proc es s or s, but we'll never kn o w what we lost. (Then again, at least they didn't go into invest m e nt bankin g.)

Speed bloats inventorie s . When produ ct lines chang e drastically every 90 days, invent ori es back up, onc e- ne w devi c e s bec o m e co m m o d i t y mat erials, value plu m m e t s, and piec es are either sold off at sharp disc ou nts or junked. Think of all the IBM AT and Apple Mac SE box e s, ready to ship, that never shipped.

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Speed takes an agonizing toll of investo r s . Because time is short, mar gins are thin. Makers of clon es dare not set prices a single perc entag e point high er than their co m p etit ors. Yet that perc entag e point may be the differen c e bet w e e n profitability and ruination. Last year's price cha m p s are nearly always this year's also- rans. Some other co m p a n y always co m e s alon g with a way to deliv er the go o d s to custo m e r s faster and cheap er.

No industry has ever yield e d the kind of m e g a b a n g ringups that co m p ut er techn ol o g y has. And no industry has left its dead strewn about in such nu m b er s. Failed co m p a ni es by the thousand dot the techn o gravey ard.

What speed does to us

That's what speed has don e to the infor m ati on industry itself -- ma d e it crazy and left it gib b erin g throug h br ok e n teeth. And it's doin g the sa m e thing to us, only w ors e, bec aus e we are at the end of the whipcra c k.

Speed force s upon us a learning curve that never lets up . No so o n er do you learn on e tool, but you must learn anoth er, or its upgrad e. What other produ cts require you to cli m b the face of El Capitán, bef or e you can derive ben efit fro m the m? Computers are not like cars or televisi on s. By the time you master your current toy, a big chunk of its produ ctive lifeti m e is gon e.

Speed rob s us of reflection . In the old days, writing so m et hin g imp ortant m e a nt writing three separate drafts, each on e fro m

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scratch. Writing took time and lab or, but m or e than that it required thoug ht and a sens e of purpos e. The "sec o n d draft" on a m o d e r n w or d proc es s or is a quick layov er, and the "third draft" is just a touch- up. The sens e of deep er, cal m er purpos e has been whisk e d away with the ease of electr oni c rewriting.

Speed dims our eye toward "individuation." Before we techn ol o g iz e we live in a custo m w orl d in whic h every obj e ct is unique. A letter to grand m a is a letter to grand m a alon e. After we techn ol o g iz e we start loo kin g for short cuts. For m letters with boil erplate inserts. Preprinted labels instead of hand written envel o p e s . As speed picks up, the quality of our output -- the deep design, not the out ward gloss -- gets shod di er and shod di er. Computers turn perfectly go o d peopl e into purvey ors of mass produ c e d go o d s -- into factories, or McDonalds.

Speed impos e s its own capriciou s mode s of thinking upon us . Where we onc e thoug ht our o w n thoug hts in our o w n way, we no w, unc ons ci ou sly, call up our o w n m e ntal files, exa mi n e or alter the m, and save the m again. Society shares a Micros oft Windo w s interfac e. Our min ds have mi c e. The ben efit of this universal interfac e is that, like driving on the express w a y, we all have anoth er civilized way to beha v e and interact with on e anoth er. The minus is that we all slip into the rut of Micros oft min d -- just wh en we need to plo w fresh furro ws.

Speed clear- cuts our fore st of opportunity. Techn ol o g y has deci m at e d entire livelih o o d s (typists, bo o k k e e p e r s, ord erfillers, drafts m e n) and pried others (acc ounting, publishin g, printing, engin e erin g) away fro m their cor e co m p et e n c i es. When we think of what we do with our co m p ut ers, the w or d we ch o o s e is seld o m

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craftsman ship . In old en days you learned a trade and practice d it for life. Not any m or e. The infor m ati on uphea val is displacin g peopl e like, well, like nob o d y's business. Experts say the w or k er of the next gen erati on will chang e careers a half doz en times -- not out of ch oi c e but nec essity. If we never lab or long at a single skill, will we ever get go o d at anything? With ma c hin es, will we ever need to? The focus of pers on al pride shifts fro m , Did I do my very best ? to Did I make deadline ?

Speed makes it impos s i bl e to plan . Instant co m m u n i c ati on raises expe ctations of instant results. It puts everything in the evan es c e nt now . Despite everything the co m p ut er press tells us about ho w co m p ut ers free us to use our intellig en c e, ho w ma ny of us feel freed? And ho w free is free -- free to do 20 0 hours of produ cti on in a 50 hour we e k? If every o n e uses infor m ati on techn ol o g y , infor m ati on techn ol o g y ceas es to be a co m p etitive advantag e. The net result is that every o n e is running the race at 1 5 0 mil es per hour.

Speed sullies our thrift ethic . Why shop for bargains (used, outdated, liquidated techn ol o g y) wh en ne w techn ol o g y is al m o st as cheap as old? Reme m b e r in The Empire Strikes Back ho w heedl essly that hipp o- head e d bot wri g ht w or k er kn oc k e d off C3PO's head? No on e really fixes co m p ut ers any m or e -- they just replac e wh ol e m o d ul es, and thro w the non w o r k i n g on e away. It's too expensi v e to try to save anything. Sweep it into the dustbin and start fresh with ne w ite ms.

Speed has fixed us forever with solid waste heada ch e s . When the life cycle of a co m p ut er chip is only 1 8 m o nths, the turnov er is terrific. At this m o m e n t so m e 75 milli on pers on al co m p ut ers are in

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consu m e r 's ho m e s and offic es. But we kn o w that m or e than half of these are nearing the paper w e i g ht stage of usefulness -- they are too limited, too slo w, to be of value. Within five years nearly all 70 milli on will be dee m e d obs ol et e, and 20 milli on replac e m e n t s will will have sprung into existenc e. Result: a m o u ntain rang e of tangled wire, m etal plastic and glass -- a solid waste night m ar e, a sm o l d erin g reproa c h to our lust for high speed s.

Marginal material, Chapter 1

SPEEDPar adox #1

The speed of techn ol o gi c al pro gr ess ma k e s it impo s sible to

catch up.

bitstream -- A bitstream generator was developed in England during WWII, to cope with the problem of punched-hole

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tapes breaking. Thomas Flowers decided to get rid of the tapes altogether, by generating electronic pulses within the computing machine, to replace the tapes. This bit-stream generator would save time of setting up the tapes and eliminate worries about tape breakage. Vacuum tubes did what paper tapes had done before, to everyone's surprise. Tubes were thought of as unreliable. The bit-stream generator involved a counter and a set of special

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vacuum tubes called thyratons.

Key information technologies

There is a tendency to equate information technology with computers. As we sink deeper into the era of interactivity, networking, multimedia and the information superhighway, it becomes apparent that the individual PC is just a switching system for a host of other technologies, most of which started out as analog devices -- electronic analogies to reality -- but are now mutating into true digital devices, whose data can be manipulated by computers. Here is an incomplete list of the

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most basic technologies that plug into your desktop world:

Altern atin g curr e ntMech a ni c al s witc h e sVacuu m tub e s witc h e sTran si st o r s witc h e sIntegr at e d circuitsSilico n chip s witc h e sMicropr o c e s s o r sCor e m e m o r yBatteri e sCath o d e ray tub e (m o nit or s)Magn etic m e d i a (re c o r din g tap e , floppy disk s)Las er m e d i a (co m p a c t disk s)Analo g im a g e pr o d u c ti o n (ca m e r a )Analo g wir e tran s m i s s i o n (tel e g r a p h y)Analo g voi c e tran s m i s s i o n (tel e p h o n y)Analo g text pr o d u c ti o n (typ e w rit er)Wirel e s s sign al tran s m i s s i o n (wirel e s s tel e g r a p h y)Wirel e s s au di o tran s m i s s i o n (radi o)Wirel e s s au di o/visu al tran s m i s s i o n (tel e vi si o n)Wirel e s s an al o g tran s m i s s i o n (c ellular tel e p h o n y)Wirel e s s digital tran s m i s s i o n (radi o m o d e m s )Radio dat a tran s m i s s i o n (tick er tap e)Analo g s o u n d re c o r di n g (audi o re c o r d s an d tap e s)Analo g au di o/visu al re c o r di n g (vid e o tap e s)Digital tel e p h o n yDigital text pr o d u c ti o n (ph ot otyp e s e t tin g)Digital au di o/visu al tran s m i s s i o n (high d e n sity tel e vi si o n)

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Digital s o u n d re c o r di n g (co m p a c t disk s an d DAT)Wired au di o- visu al tran s m i s s i o n (ca bl e , clo s e d - circuit)Analo g Text Tran s m i s s i o n (tel etyp e)Analo g im a g e tran s m i s s i o n (fac si mil e)Digital im a g e tran s m i s s i o n (fax m o d e m )Mode m tran s m i s s i o nOnline s er vi c e sTh e Intern et

Ten basic movie plots about technology15

Hollywood has figured out only a handful of ways to put computers into stories. To save you money on future science fiction movies, here are all the plots there ever will be:

"John Henry was a steel drivin' man, lord, lord."

Plot pits a good old muscle and blood human being against a machine. The machine wins on quantity, but the human wins on quality.

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Tracy and Hepburn pioneered this plotline with Desk Set.

"How to serve man."

We think technology is our friend, until we see what it keeps in the refrigerator. The telescreens in 1984, the unstoppable nuclear devices in Fail Safe and Dr. Strangelove, and the techno-tyranny of Woody Allen's Sleeper all qualify.

"A child shall save them."

Technology is too wonderful for computer professionals to mess with. Only kids can really fathom is mysteries. D.A.R.R.Y.L., War Games, E.T.

"Nothing can go worng."

The machine that was supposed to be so

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infallible goes nuts and kills everyone. HAL 2000, War Games, Westworld.

"Half man, half machine."

Machines with human personalities, or people who bond with machines. From Robbie the Robot to Johnny 5 to R2D2, from Commander Data to The Terminator, it holds perpetual appeal.

"The friends you keep."

Do evil geniuses have all the really good computers, or does it just seem that way? Lex Luthor is the archetypal computer criminal.

"Lost in cyber s pa c e ."

People disappear into cyberspace (Jumping Jack Flash), virtual reality (Lawnmower

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Man), or are shrunk down to the size of pulsing electrons (Tron, Fantastic Journey).

3000 BC. The abacus, invented in Babylon and found nearly everywhere. The ultimate in ease of use. Just after World War II, a clerk from China won a refereed calculating competition against a sergeant in the U.S. army equipped with the latest electro-mechanical computer.

2800 BC Stonehenge, on England's Salisbury Plain. Twenty miles across in its

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entirety, this arrangement of stones and geoforms served as an analogical cosmic clock. It is the first plain-top computer.

1800 BC The Aztecs and Maya discover zero. Arab scholars also begin working with the concept at about this time. You can't have a binary system without zero.

black hole. Where e-mail goes when it doesn't go where it's supposed to go. Alternatively, computer-aware astronomers suspect black holes in the

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cosmos are where God is dividing by zero. See divide by zero.

"Technology is a queer thing.

It brings you great gifts with one

hand,

and it stabs you in the back with the

other."

C.P. SNOW1 6

"Computers can figure out all kinds of

problems,

except the things in the world

that just don't add up."

JAMES MAGARY1 7

"Computers are useless.

They can only give you answers."

PABLO PICASSO1 8

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Chapt e r 2

Why we don't "get" technologyAND WHOSE FAULT THAT IS, AND WHAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT

IT

In which the author bemoans the gulf of misunderstanding betwixt technology makers and technology users, and fashions a curious new paradigm for users taking the bull by the horns

I just this m o m e n t log g e d off the Internet. I was visiting a Usenet ne ws gr o u p roo m called alt.folkor e. c om p ute r s. This is a ne ws gr o u p ma d e up al m o st entirely of w or k ers in the techn ol o g y field -- soft war e progra m m e r s , dev el o p m e n t professi on als, hard war e engin e ers and technical supp ort peopl e. It is the sa m e group wh er e I enc ou nt er ed the fello w wh o went ballistic and said that on e day "Mike Finley" w oul d be a catchphras e for a total loser.

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I went there to ask the foll o w i n g questi on: Are techn ol o g y produ cts on today's store shelv es too hard to learn? I expe ct ed a few peopl e to con c e d e the point that, yes, docu m e n tati on tends to be boring and inc o m p l et e and yes, produ cts are so m eti m e s design e d with out mu c h consid erati on of the peopl e wh o will eventually use the m. But that's not what I got. Instead I got ang er. And frustration.

"Users are lazy bey o n d belief," on e tech supp ort staff pers on wr ot e m e. "We give the m ma nuals. We give the m help files they can use whil e they are op erating the progra m . We give the m free 80 0 nu m b er technical supp ort for 90 days. We provi d e supp ort foru m s on CompuServe and America Online, wh er e we ans w er their questi ons free of charg e.

"But ma ny users steadfastly refuse to crack op en a ma nual. They refuse to loo k at what the help files say. When we explain what they're doin g wr on g on the phon e, or in a foru m, they whin e that it's too difficult, and why do we ma k e things so hard for the m."

A soft war e engin e er put it even m or e bluntly. "You w oul dn't op erate a car with out learning ho w to drive, but peopl e think co m p ut ers should just bo ot up and do what they want. People are trusting their entire business es, their livelih o o d s , the livelih o o d s of every o n e wh o w or ks there, to ma c hin es they are too lazy to fa miliarize the m s el v e s with.

"Engineers have long underst o o d that nothing can be foolpr o o f ," the engin e er told m e, "sinc e fools are always so da m n clev er. Progra m m e r s go to great lengths to ensure they've taken care of every possi bl e error con diti on. But such efforts are al m o st entirely in vain, sinc e there is always a co m p l et e dolt out there wh o will exc e e d their esti mat es of the lo w e st co m m o n fool."

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This gentle m a n had und ou bt e d ly suffered greatly at the hands of a long strea m of anxi ous, whining users in crisis. He had arrived at a state of zero toleranc e for the very peopl e wh o put bread on his table. I wanted to grab hi m by his virtual lapels and coax hi m towar d a m or e forbearin g position. Surely so m e users wer e lazy ma nipulative knuckl eh e a d s, I con c e d e d . But surely also there wer e ma ny wh o wer e trying their best but just not "getting it"? Perhaps even, as custo m e r s, it was their right to de m a n d usable techn ol o g y . It wasn't as if co m p a ni es wer en't billing the produ cts as user-friendly, easy to learn, etc. Buyers buy stuff bec aus e sellers rec o m m e n d it.

But I got no w h er e. His w orl d vi e w was set. Users wer e a bree d of de m o n s , put on earth to tor m e nt hi m with idiot questi ons. And I w oul d guess that, with his attitude, users on the other end felt pretty mu c h the sa m e about hi m.

Who is technology for?

A go o d philos o p hi c al fra m e w o r k for discussing custo m e r relationships is quality. Quality is a big topic, and peopl e disagr e e on what it is. In our time, two passionate quality gurus have battled to define what quality is. Joseph Juran defined quality succinctly as "fitness for use." Wm. Edwards Deming defined quality several ways, but in his final bo o k arrived at his si mpl est su m m a ti o n: "It is so m et hin g that helps so m e b o d y . " 1 9

To o often, techn ol o g y co m p a ni es have applied an inside- out interpretation of Juran's definition. A produ ct is for for use wh en

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the ma k er of the produ ct deci d es it is fit for use. Silicon Valley co m p a ni es can certainly con gratulate the m s el v e s for putting out "quality produ cts" fro m their o w n expert points of vie w. American hard war e and soft war e is the best in the w orl d, by industry standards. The best min ds they could assign to the task stayed up nights thinking what features to pack into their syste m s , and ho w best to docu m e n t thos e features. The result has been produ cts that che erfully bill the m s el v e s as user- friendly, and co m e with a stack of ma nuals that lead users step by step throug h the features.

Thes e ma nuals are written towar d a "targeted user" profile. If the produ ct is difficult and advan c e d in nature, the targeted user will be a po w er user, so m e o n e wh o can handl e any techn o task thro w n his or her way. If the produ ct seeks a popular audien c e, the targeted user is so m e o n e lo w er on the ev oluti on ary scale -- peopl e intellig ent en ou g h and willing en ou g h to be teach the m s el v e s ho w the produ ct w or ks.

But this is a shall o w and self- servin g m o d e l . Excellen c e in mat erials, asse m b l y , and docu m e n tati on are great, but they are no guarantee that custo m e r s will understand the produ ct. Quality is not a silver bullet to sho ot custo m e r s with. It should be a ban qu et to invite custo m e r s to join. But with co m p ut er techn ol o g y , it has always been the bullet.

Deming's definition is subtler and deep er and it lends itself to outside- in approa c h. A go o d produ ct by this standard must not only be usable, as defined by the ma k er, but it must be succ essfully used , as defined by the user. In the end it must ma k e the custo m e r happy. Like the tree falling in the wild ern ess, quality must be experien c e d in ord er for it to exist.

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In the br oa d er Demingite sens e, quality reflects a co m p a n y's understandin g of what custo m e r s need, and a willingn es s to m e et thos e need s. Quality "oc curs" wh en the things we buy please us. When we are glad we bou g ht the m.

For all the intellect and precisi on that are built into ma c hin es and progra m s , they still frustrate the bej e ez es out of m o st of us. So we have to ask if the deep er aspect of quality is oc curring. Do the ma k ers of ma c hin es kn o w wh o we are and what we want? Do they care?

If us users are all the sa m e pers on, then it does n't matter what our individual na m e s are. If we're all different, then thos e wh o w oul d sell to us had better figure out wh o we are, what we want fro m the m.

Supposedly there are only two types of

users ...

In the industry vie w, there are two kinds of peopl e. Their favorites are their targeted custo m e r s -- po w er users and willing learners. But in ord er to sell en ou g h produ ct to ma k e a profit, co m p a ni es hop e to sell to non- targeted peopl e, too. The laggards and techn o p h o b e s . Us.

We laggards are a little di m about anything ne w, slo w to pick up on things that po w er users w oul d instantly hail as "intuitive." We are the whin ers, bellyac hin g as we're hauled into the future by our m o u s e cords. We are the counter- intuitive.

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Not to put too fine a point on it, but the first group is smart and the sec o n d group is dumb . And it is the vie w of ma ny techies that the du m b, bec aus e they are the buying public, are running the sho w , and this is terribly, terribly wr on g . If a techn ol o g y co m p a n y springs a brilliant ne w produ ct on the mark et and the du m b portion of the public blinks unc o m p r e h e n d i n g ly at it, the co m p a n y bla m e s us du m b b e l l s for not havin g the requisite nu m b er of brain cells to appreciate the high quality that their produ ct repres ents.

Hogwash

What if the ans w er is m or e co m p li c ate d than smart versus du m b, techn o p hil es versus techn o p h o b e s?

What if produ cts are wrea kin g hav o c right and left bec aus e they are all bein g design e d , ma nufactured and taught for on e or two kinds of users -- very smart, as in the case of advan c e d CAD syste m s , and pretty smart, as in the case of m etaph or- bas ed op erating syste m s like Windo w s 95 -- wh en there are really ma ny different kinds of users?

I have been w or kin g for several years no w with on e very divers e corp orate tea m of nine peopl e. Our job has been to pro m o t e a leading brand of client- server acc ounting soft war e. Our tea m of nine w or ks on PCs, and co m m u n i c at es via phon e, m e etin gs, e- mail and fax. When I squint, and ma k e a few m e ntal gen eralizations, I can envisi on each of these nine peopl e as a distinct pers on ality type, with a different outlo o k on techn ol o g y .

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Let m e descri b e the m e m b e r s of the tea m to you, on e by on e. I'll sand the rough ed g es on a coupl e of their pers on alities to fit the m into the nine types. But the types are there -- these peopl e really are distinct in the ways I descri b e. You tell m e if these peopl e don't sound m or e or less like the sorts of peopl e you w or k with.

ƒ Leon is a techno natural . Leon's syste m is the m o st advan c e d in the wh ol e co m p a n y, not just on our tea m. He has two giga bytes of hard disk all his o w n , and he w or ks every byte of it. Leon has a naturally analytical min d, very practical and linear, yet he see m s to experien c e real joy playing with his toys. He is so go o d at this stuff he seld o m need s to refer to ma nuals or help files. He kn o w s about hidd en features. If he's puzzled about so m et hin g he consults the professi on al literature or on e of the Internet techie ne ws gr o u ps. He is a perfecti onist about techn ol o g y , the sort of pers on every o n e else with a probl e m co m e s to, never guessing the barely con c e al e d conte m pt he feels for their lack of co m m i t m e n t. He w oul d qualify as a nerd if he didn't have this great, loud laugh. He enjoys bein g in the spotlight as the tea m's techn ol o g y guru. But I think it also ma k e s hi m anxi ous, bec aus e he is smart en ou g h to kn o w he does n't really kn o w that mu c h. His fear is that he will diagn os e so m e o n e else's probl e m inc orre ctly, and his reputation will take a hit. He does not want us techn o dw e e b s sec o n d - guessing hi m.

ƒ Jane is an earne st user , the kind techn ol o g y co m p a ni es wish there wer e m or e of. She is serious about using co m p ut ers, net w or k s, and phon e techn ol o g i e s as tools to do her w or k. She reads the ma nual. She joins user groups. She subscri b e s to ma g azin es. But she never feels she is ma kin g creative sparks with techn ol o g y . It is just there, plain vanilla, and she succ e e d s in getting it to do what she requires, period. She is a m eth o d i c al, dilig ent thinker wh o s e opini on s are

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respect ed by the group -- not bec aus e they are flashy, but bec aus e we kn o w she ca m e by the m the old- fashi on e d way, by the sweat of her br o w . She is a go o d analyst, bec aus e she is careful and fair-min d e d . She wish es she could be the sort that could paint outside the lines just onc e, but it does not see m to be in her. She has the healthiest plants of any on e on the tea m. She keeps a cactus on her typing table that must be two feet high.

ƒ Edward is a people per s on . If you need so m e o n e to listen to you, to be interested, to take your side, Edward is the guy. His probl e m with techn ol o g y is that it is entirely syste m atic in nature, and he isn't; he has no gift for understandin g syste m s . He does not go around cursing ma c hin es, but he avoi ds the m, feeling defeated in advan c e. Systems are too linear, too math e m a ti c al, too logical in nature. If Edward had his druthers, all tea m probl e m s w oul d be solv e d by a sho w of hands, and all substantive business con du ct ed ov er lunch. What every o n e else wants, that's what he wants, too. Computers don't m e s h with his organic value syste m at all. They don't laugh, they don't cry, and if you prick the m, they don't ble e d. If they just had e m oti o n s he mi g ht have a chanc e with the m. But they don't, and he does n't.

ƒ Clarice is a plugge r , no whiz at techn ol o g y , but skilled at learning a few things, masterin g the m, and kn o w i n g whic h to try, and wh en. She is not against readin g a ma nual if it will get her wh er e she need s to go. But she is really only interested in the w or k itself. She has no real interest in the ma c hin es. They are a m e a n s to an end, period. She is not willing to spend a lot of valua bl e time learning the m. Her drea m techn ol o g y is a turnkey syste m that need s no configuring, that has all the co m m a n d s upfront wh er e she can see the m. To tell the truth, Clarice is not the m o st exciting pers on on

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the tea m by a long shot. She has been re m o d e l i n g her ho m e ever sinc e we have kn o w n her, and it is all we can do to keep fro m falling into cataplectic slu m b e r wh en she brings the subject up. But she is the straightest sho ot er and hardest w or k er we have. She never co m p l ains about her w or k, mark et research, even thoug h it w oul d send m o st of us packing. She has a disar min g sens e of hu m o r the rest of us wish wer e not quite so self- deprec ating. She ma k e s the rest of us loo k better than we are. She takes the w or k very seriously, and that keeps the rest of us fro m flying away like lint.

ƒ Erroll is the quintess ential queste r , self- invol v e d , self- directed, imp etu ous and constitutionally unable to mar c h in step with any external forc e, including co m p ut er techn ol o g y . His approa c h to his resp onsi bilities mi g ht best be descri b e d as epis o di c. He has ideas that strike other tea m m e m b e r s as brilliant -- but they have to flesh the m out for hi m. You mi g ht say he kn o w s just en ou g h to be dang er ous. He kn o w s a few co m p ut er basics -- ho w to install a progra m , ho w to op en a file, and ho w to imp ort data. After that, he relies sha m e l e s sly on nearby offic e gurus to do the si mpl est tasks. It mi g ht have been his idea to use a soft war e packa g e he sa w in an ad, bec aus e he was transfixed by what it see m e d to pro m i s e -- but he could never get it to keep thos e pro m i s e s back at the offic e. It isn't his fault he is this way -- he has other fish to fry. He is an "artist" at heart, even thoug h he does n't do any art. It is natural for hi m to be self- invol v e d to a degr e e other peopl e can't co m p r e h e n d , mu c h less sy mpathize with. He is the type of pers on tech supp ort professi on als tell tall tales about. "You think you talked to an idiot on the phon e -- wait'll you hear about my guy." But the rest of us like hi m, bec aus e he is fun to be around -- and a superb copy writer.

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ƒ Mark is a worrie r . His min d is riveted to the negative side of things. He is afraid of things goin g wr on g and he avoi ds any act that entails what he consid ers unnec es sary risk. He w orries about po w er surges, lightning strikes, file corruption, hitting the wr on g key. He sees co m p ut ers and other techn ol o g y as fragile. His spirit of caution is a shield against attack fro m outside forc es. He ma k e s multiple backups, keeps his offic e imp e c c a b l y clean, and studies the literature for practices causing the least wear and tear on his equip m e nt. For his birthday, we got hi m a cak e with Alfred E. Neuman on it, asking "What, m e w orry?" He smile d thinly. His definition of techn ol o g i c a l succ ess -- zero mishaps. He is perfectly co m p et e nt, but unsuited to high- risk assign m e n ts, such as lion-tamin g or ne w produ ct dev el o p m e n t. He jok es that he is neurotic but he is really just bein g careful. Careful is go o d -- Mark is our project treasurer.

ƒ Aloysius is a dreame r . He lives in the structures he builds to do his w or k. He was born in Alexandria, Egypt, but he w oul d see m ex otic if he was fro m Keokuk. His actual w or k never wins awards, but the rest of us mar v el at his knack for fashi onin g m e nus, batch files, net w or k conn e cti on s, fax logs, interesting direct ory patterns, and m eticul ous maintenan c e schedul es. He is a passionate belie v er in techn ol o g y and thinks it holds the ans w er to reducin g the toil and bor e d o m in peopl e's lives. He loves the gee- whiz of techn ol o g y , and has an ar ml o a d of futuristic bo o k s on his cred enza. But he just does n't understand the nuts and bolts of why electr oni c things w or k and why they so m eti m e s don't. Always -- that's his nickna m e on the tea m -- is often disapp ointed that the produ cts he buys don't satisfy the require m e nts he has created in his head. He keeps tripping ov er

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his o w n high hop es, but he keeps co m i n g back, ga m e l y. We sort of feel protective about Always.

ƒ Johanna is a skeptic . She co m e s to the techn ol o g y table with a go o d - sized chip already in plac e on her should er. She is impatient wh en things don't go her way, and do w nri g ht intolerant of steep learning curves. A coupl e of us call her J-bo m b behind her back, bec aus e she has great energy but kind of a short fuse. She expe cts a dec e ntly design e d soft war e tool to be self- explanat ory, useful and profitabl e within minutes of breakin g the shrink wrap. She expe cts things to w or k, to be understanda bl e , and executa bl e. When they are not, she hurls herself against whatev er disapp oints her with terrible ferocity. Someti m e s Johanna balks at trying ne w things, lest they fail as badly as the last "i mpr o v e m e n t " foisted upon us by ma na g e m e n t. She is intellig ent, she is not anti- techn ol o g y , but she is a hothea d wh en things don't go well right away. She expe cts to be in charg e of whatev er ne w gad g et she deci d es to e m pl o y, and is irritable wh en they do not im m e d i at ely yield up their secrets. Johanna can be a real pain at times, but she is valua bl e to the tea m bec aus e she keeps the rest of us on task. My theory is that sinc e Johanna was the old est of six kids, and spent her teen years ba bysitting every b o d y , she no w treasures her o w n time. She explain ed it to m e very differently, ov er che es e b ur g ers, that her irritability ste m s fro m loyalty. She hates to see any on e's time wasted, especially the tea m's.

ƒ Bret is a classic technopho b e -- a ll out, no kidding, nothing held back. It's not just that he has no knack for it; he thinks it is bad, the spa wn of Satan. Think of hi m as a co m p ut er cur mu d g e o n . He does n't wear a physical bo wti e, but we suspect his soul wears on e. He is a dyed- in- the- w o o l traditionalist. Decad es ag o he had a poe m

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publish ed in The Sewanee Review , and he carries a cru m bl e d tearshe et of it in his wallet, whic h he takes out with trem blin g, pathetic hands and sho w s peopl e. He genuin ely rever es the past and wish es he could turn his back on everything m o d e r n, and go back to the way things used to be. He is not the clev er est pers on on the tea m, bec aus e there are so m e ideas he si mply will not entertain. But his w or k is always classy, and gives the rest of us a posh ven e er. Next to hi m, we are plastic and he is teak. He is always gro w lin g that the tea m is doin g things on co m p ut ers that could be don e just as easily with a pencil and paper. (He is right, but not very often.) He takes his lack of felicity with ma c hin es and con v erts it into feelings of superi ority. It is bec aus e he is well- round e d and three-di m e n si o n al, he says, wh er ea s they are si mply high- speed binary idiots. We like havin g Bret around bec aus e he ma k e s us feel hipper than we are.

That's my tea m -- on e of the m, any wa y. What I w oul d like to prop os e is that they are your tea m, too. That is to say, the nine types are a fair break d o w n of all the peopl e you w or k with. Each character repres ents an ele m e nt al attitude about techn ol o g y . Everyon e kn o w s a Johanna, a Erroll, a Bret. In fact, every o n e, at various times, is a Johanna, Erroll, and Bret. No on e is a pure techn o natural or a pure techn o p h o b e -- we are all co m p o s it es of all these inclinations. 20 But so m e of our inclinations are do m i n a nt in deci din g our every day beha vi or. On balanc e, we are m or e of an Always than a Mark.

What's imp ortant is that we agree that in a w orl d wh er e only on e or two types of users, techn o naturals like Leon and earnest learners like Jane, are bein g syste m atically address e d , there are

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other types of users -- billions, may b e -- wh o s e peculiar need s are never ackn o w l e d g e d .

Other ways we differ

It gets w ors e. Different users have different physical limitations. We have different IQs. We have multiple intellig en c e s -- so m e of us learn well by rote; so m e need hu ma n interacti on; so m e of us need to have our ima ginati ons enga g e d ; so m e need military music playing. People have different languag e orientations. Thes e di m e n si o n s of us don't define wh o we are, but they sure affect our ability to get the m o st fro m off- the- shelf techn ol o g y .

INSERT BOX

"I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam."

INTERNET GRAFFITO

Whether we ad mit it or not, we also have different philos o p hi es about techn ol o g y . Philos op hi es cut across our user "types." Our types descri b e wh o we are as users- - wh o we can't really help bein g. Our philos o p h y is the attitude or approa c h that we adopt. Our philos o p hi es chang e a lot as we get old er and wis er, or even fro m situation to situation. Our types don't chang e nearly as mu c h.

People tend to have on e of three pri mary philos o p hi es about techn ol o g y :

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ƒ The dismal s . Thes e are the users wh o never asked to be born, and never asked to be sho w n ho w a PC w or ks, either. They belie v e the w orl d is headin g inevita bly towar d a sad end, and that techn ol o g y , far fro m saving us fro m the rapid deteri orati on waiting just do w n the pike, is acc el erating and exac er bating it. If they could reinvent the w orl d, it mi g ht be a kind of Eden in whic h we have no PCs and no phon e banks, and no fig leav es, either. A really dedi cated dis m al will be dis m al about even that idyllic possi bility -- he will fixate on the pleasures of appen di citis in Paradise.

ƒ The hopefuls . Thes e are the mens chen of the co m p ut er w orl d. The future as they see it is a mix e d bag of go o d and bad. Techn ol o g y is surely resp onsi bl e for ma kin g so m e situations w ors e, rather than better. On balanc e, ho w e v e r , techn ol o g y is here to stay, so why not ma k e the best of it and hop e techn ol o g y can fix itself in time? Maybe suffering throug h confusing syste m s and Taiwanian instruction ma nuals is all part of the suffering in this life that leads to rede m pti o n in the next. Or may b e not, but what can you do?

ƒ The rhaps odi st s . Thes e are the peopl e wh o design and create syste m s , and also the peopl e wh o rush out to buy whatev er is ne w, and fall prof oun dly in love with it, until so m et hin g ne w er co m e s out. They have the drea m , and they have it bad. They still like nuclear po w er, even after Cherno byl confir m e d the w orst suspici on of dis m als that our friend the ato m was a psych op athic ma nia c. But rhaps o dis m is no less hon est than the other philos o p hi es; it si mply arrives at different con clusi on s fro m the availabl e evid en c e. And give rhaps o dists their due -- they thro w the m s el v e s at techn ol o g y with such positivis m that it tends to w or k a wh ol e lot better for the m than it does for the rest of us.

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What industry can do

Where this is all leading is a parad ox pitting techn ol o g y against hu ma n nature. Techn ol o g y in the 1 9 9 0 s certainly loo k s "advan c e d ." Our mi cr o c h ips and net w or k s can turn a head- scratching bu m p ki n into a sophisticated ar my of function- co m p l et ers. But the co m m u n i c ati on syste m s that supp ort these techn ol o g i e s (bo o k s, vid e o s , training se mi nars, etc.) are still pretty pri mitive given the co m p l e xity of the co m m u n i c ati on task they need to be perfor m .

The industries that serve up techn ol o g y must co m e to ter ms with the poly m o r p h o u s perversity of their clientel e. This m e a n s con c e d i n g that there is a w orl d of legiti m at e users bey o n d Leon and Jane, and that their need s des er v e to be address e d as mu c h as Leon's and Jane's do.

INSERT BOX G:

Software User's Bill of Rights

Users put up with a lot from the software industry. Now they are demanding a few basic considerations:

† The right to a standardized interface.

† The right to on-line help for every function.

† The right to learning without training.

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† The right to expect mouse support for every program.

† The right to easy, thorough data import and export.

† The right to effective use of memory without crashing.

† The right to free support for 30 days.

† The right to same-day support callbacks.

† The right to systems and programs pre-optimized for top performance.2 1

One way is throug h multi m e d i a. Instead of, or in addition to, bundling five pounds of bo o k s with a soft war e packa g e, or a phon e syste m , or a sound card, why don't ma nufacturers create interactive audio- vid e o training regi m e n s on CD-ROM? As the soft war e is installed, users are told they may not use the progra m until they spend a few minutes with the CD-ROM. The CD-ROM will begin with a questi on naire that elicits what the individual user's experien c e level, pers on ality, tastes and philos o p h y are. There is no reas on it cann ot be presented in multi m e d i a fashi on, with appropriate music, ani mati on, and voi c e o v e r .

Let's say you have ans w er e d the questi ons. Now the PC takes your ans w ers, dig ests the m, shuffles the m all tog eth er, and starts to asse m b l e a path way throug h a CD-ROM training course that will w or k especially well for you. Within 60 sec o n d s, the co m p ut er has created a custo m training packa g e:

Level: Basic. Every detail is explain ed. Every phrase is defined. Every screen gives you the opti on of defining any ter ms used in the presentation by highlighting it with your m o u s e and clickin g. Every questi on is ans w er e d with a speakin g voi c e and an onscr e e n ani mati on:

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"What is Windows ? Good question. Windows is a way of computing that uses picture s instead of letter s and number s . Befor e Windows, computer s all had the same scre en -- 24 lines deep and 80 chara ct e r s acro s s . In Windows, everything is a picture. That means letter s and number s can be any size you want, and scre en s can include picture s. Instead of typing in difficult command s like DEL C:\LTR\INVOICE\*.DOCWindows lets you give command s by clicking your mous e on a little picture, called an icon. This icon is used for deleting a file. Here is a list of your files. All youhave to do to delete a file is touch the file name with the mous e, click it, then click the delete button next to it. See, the file is gone forever."

Narrator: Candac e Bergen.

The m e son g: Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention, perfor m i n g "Who Are the Brain Police?"

Video m o nta g e: John Glenn's triumphal ticker tape trip do w n Wall Street, seguing into Gerald Ford toasting bread, and the Andy Warhol Rolling Stones albu m cov er.

Other: Since you indicated that your great con c er n about co m p utin g was the fear of ruining so m et hin g, the CD-ROM

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bolsters its presentation with periodi c assuranc es that nothing you can do, short of driving ov er a cliff with the PC strapped to the ho o d , is likely to da m a g e the ma c hin e, the progra m it is running, or the data you have created. ("Go ahea d and try it -- it w o n't snap at you.")

My techie friends assure m e that such a sche m e is outlandishly expensi v e, and that only the big g est co m p a ni es could m o u nt such an effort. Maybe so. But I can ima gin e a multi m e d i a training industry creating conn e ct- the- dot for m ats that can quickly link data chunks on a disk to m e et the require m e nts of individual users. The refusal to consid er the idea only prov es the original point -- that techn ol o g y co m p a ni es are unwilling to m e et users on users' ter ms.

If they can't do this, what can they do instead to address the issue of user individuality?

What you can do today

Let industry drag its feet. You can clos e the gap bet w e e n the m and yourself, by yourself.

If you are serious about lessenin g your techn o craziness, you can't expe ct the industry solv e your probl e m s . The burd en of survival is always upon wh o e v e r wants to survive -- hop efully, you.

Theref or e it is up to each of us to loo k into our o w n nature and identify what our strengths and wea k n e s s e s as users are. And onc e we figure that out, to plot a path that will help us sidestep our natural shortc o m i n g s .

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If you have a clear sens e of your stron g and wea k suits, you can alert yourself to your o w n special brand of pitfalls. Here is a quicki e questi on naire that pinpoints your do m i n a nt attitudes about techn ol o g y . It w o n't tell you what kind of pers on you are -- just what kind of co m p ut er pers on.

Answer all questions with any number from 1 to 10.

Strongly agree = 10 Strongly disagree = 1No strong feeling one way or the other = 5

A1) _____ Technology is my friend. If I apply

myself to mastering it, it will reward me

accordingly.

2) _____ Technology is not for everyone. If you

aren't willing to read the manual, you shouldn't use

the application.

3) _____ I enjoy learning new programs and

hearing about new technologies.

4) _____ People expect me to know my way around

technology, and I don't want to let them down.

B

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1) _____ Technology can be difficult, but people

willing to apply themselves can usually master it.

2) _____ If I am given an assignment that

requires that I learn to use a new program or how to

use a machine, I usually succeed.

3) _____ I don't mind putting in a few hours of

overtime to learn something.

4) _____ The workplace is a competition, and

diligence in learning technology is a competitive

advantage.

C1) _____ There is nothing a computer can do that

people working together cooperatively can't do

equally well or even better.

2) _____ Given the choice between going to lunch

with a friend or spending the time working on a

database, I'll choose the friend nine times out of

ten.

3) _____ People who are really good at technology

often seem a little one-dimensional to me.

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4) _____ My favorite office technology is the

telephone.

D1) _____ I can only do a few things using my PC,

but I do them satisfactorily.

2) _____ You have to be able to master a few

computer basics to hold down a job today.

3) _____ I sometimes have somebody else set up my

system for me, but then I'm off and running.

4) _____ I'm not interested in how a machine

works; I just want it to let me do my job.

E1) _____ Computers are great, but I get myself

into the strangest situations on them sometimes.

2) _____ I am an impulsive buyer. I sometimes buy

programs or even whole systems that are not quite

right for me.

3) _____ I get bored doing the same tasks day

after day. I always like to be doing new things.

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4) _____ When I take my system in to be fixed, it

seems I am always assigned to the new guy.

F1) _____ Each time I start my system up, I have a

fantasy flash that it's broken.

2) _____ I feel embarrassed asking for help on my

PC.

3) _____ I back my data up every day -- sometimes

even more often.

4) _____ I have plenty of protective devices in

place -- surge suppresser, power backup, dust cover,

etc.

G1) _____ People think I am really clever at

times, doing my own thing on the computer. I even

surprise myself.

2) _____ Technology is terrific. It may be our

best chance at living better lives in the future.

3) _____ I don't like doing things the way the

books say. I like to blaze my own trail.

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4) _____ I see computer technology as a powerful

tool for self-expression.

H1) _____ Technology and I have never seemed able

to get along together.

2) _____ When I learn a new program, I expect to

learn it easily and without a lot of clumsy

fumbling.

3) _____ I have been known to get angry at my PC.

4) _____ I'll be better at technology when

technology gets better at meeting my needs.

I1) _____ Computer technology leaves me cold. I

don't like it, and I resent having to learn it.

2) _____ When I meet someone I'm told is talented

at computers, I expect to dislike them a bit.

3) _____ What is the point of trying to catch up

with technology at this stage of my life? I'll never

catch up.

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4) _____ I think computers turn people into

numbers, and make the world a duller place.

OK, no w add up your scor es. Add all the points under the A secti on and plac e it on the A line bel o w ; do the sa m e with secti ons B throug h I.

A POWER USER ________B EARNEST LEARNER ________C PEOPLE PERSON ________D PLUGGER ________E QUESTER ________F WORRIER ________G DREAMER ________H SKEPTIC ________I TECHNOPHOBE ________

The type with the high est scor e is your do m i n a nt co m p utin g style. The lo w rang es descri b e your phanto m , under- dev el o p e d style. The mi dran g e is mush. Most peopl e wh o take this test end up with a scattered scor e: two or three types in the high rang e (fro m 3 1 to 40 points), two or three m or e in the mi d dl e rang e (1 1 - 30) and the rest in the lo w rang e (0-1 0).

While there is no right or wr on g scoring, the preferred pattern is a br oa dly scattered on e. A weird profile w oul d sho w no scor es in the mi d dl e rang e -- this w oul d likely be a very intense pers on, wh o careens fro m extre m e to extre m e .

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Your challen g e, should you acc ept this assign m e n t, is to be m or e awar e of your high and lo w ends -- to keep the high end traits fro m eclipsing the other traits, and to w or k at dev el o p in g the phanto m traits so that they, too, can be part of your arsenal.

Here are so m e keys to what your limitations are, and ho w to co m p e n s at e for the m:

ƒ The quest e r faces an uphill struggle. You must first master yourself, then deal with techn ol o g y . A ma c hin e is like a slab of For mi c a. It does not chang e fro m day to day. It is boring co m p a n y for a cha m e l e o n pers on ality, on e that wa k es up and has to reinvent itself every m or nin g. Your best shot may be to m oti vat e yourself to learn syste m s by doin g things on the m that you enjoy. Start surfing the World Wide Web on the Internet, and visiting with ne ws gr o u ps in the Usenet area that appeal to you -- alt.unbalan c e d .l o n er s, say, or rec.sha m a n .t oa d_lic k ers. We resist techn ol o g y wh en it's no fun, or there's no enjoy m e n t at the end of the struggle. Put a pot of gol d at the end, and even you will beat a path to it.

ƒ You are a peo pl e pers o n , so you are skilled at identifying your lack of affinity with techn ol o g y , and you realize it has mu c h m or e to do with your social, organic pers on ality than it has to do with the soul of the ma c hin e. You can forgiv e yourself for bein g born in the wr on g century, and you ma k e an extra effort to get with the progra m . Maybe you can focus on ho w your PC, the Internet, phon es and fax extend your ability to be social. Or may b e you can harness your natural po w er of persuasi on to let a m or e syste m atic friend sho w you the ropes. Reading fro m a textb o o k w o n't w or k with you -- you must be told, and sho w n , in pers on.

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ƒ The wo r r i e r ' s probl e m is lack of confid en c e. You need to be shor ed up against your fears that the syste m you're w or kin g on is goin g to m elt into a putty- col or e d puddle. If it helps you to take elab or at e notes to perfor m ch or es, go for it. But what you really need is to be disabus e d , for onc e and for all, of the idea that you present a clear and present dang er to the syste m in front of you. Go to alt.folkl or e. c o m p ut ers in Usenet (or have so m e o n e do this for you) and ask the techn o geek s that asse m b l e there what they do to co m p ut ers that annoy the m. (They drop the m fro m fourth- story wind o w s , sho ot the m with guns, squirt lighter fluid on the m and set the m ablaze in parking lots.) Hardware is re marka bly hard to kill, no matter ho w mu c h you may want to. Walk out on the lim b a little; you'll find it is sturdy en ou g h for even you.

ƒ As a skeptic you have prec o n c e i v e d feelings of negativity that prevent you fro m co m m i tting to a progra m or syste m . You fit the adag e, "onc e burned, twic e shy." You are deter m i n e d never to be ma d e a fool of by so m e stupid co m p ut er again. But you are only holdin g yourself back. You need to forgiv e techn ol o g y for always bein g in a state of flux, and yourself for stum blin g and falling do w n the stairs a few times. A positive attitude towar d techn ol o g y begins with a streak of hu mility. That m e a n s setting aside your victi m m e ntality and getting right back on the hors e that just thre w you.

ƒ The tech n o p h o b e has, as expe ct ed, the w orst prosp e cts. True techn o p h o b e s are usually very interesting peopl e, bri m m i n g with values that you perc ei v e to be under attack. Unfortunately, you bring all the wr on g attributes to the techn ol o g y table. For you to ma k e peac e with the millenniu m requires so m et hin g approa c hin g a co m p l et e ma k e o v e r , and that kind of transfor m ati on is very seld o m succ essful. The plac e to begin may be with the things the pho bi c

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user treasures: your sens e of craft, your appreciati on for exc ell en c e and individual differen c e s. Thes e are the sa m e values, with a slight hitch in the m, that drives soft war e dev el o p m e n t tea ms and hard war e engin e ers to create re marka bl e things. Someh o w you must transfer or share allegian c e s. You must not feel you are betraying on e w orl d to peac efully co exist with anoth er. Finally, you must find the interfac e that is least off- putting, the on e that m o st easily transp orts you out of "c o m p uting " and into the real m of w or k or play that you do not obj e ct to: bein g a journalist or a sch olar or a corresp o n d e nt or a business pers on. In short, you must buy a Mac.

Even types not currently queuin g up on the ledg e to jump bec aus e their co m p ut er is out to get the m can ben efit fro m this kind of self- assess m e n t. Consid er the four re mainin g types that fare reas on a bly well in the current syste m :

ƒ As a drea m e r you get excited about ne w gad g ets and then are disapp ointed wh en they don't w or k, or don't m e et your expe ctations, or aren't as neat to w or k with as you ima gin e d . You need to get a handl e on your expe ctations, first of all. No m or e late night co m p ut er ma g azin e br o w s i n g, wh en the min d is wea k and pron e to strang e cravings. People like you often see techn ol o g y as the end in itself, not a m e a n s to an end. You buy things you have no practical use for -- pag e scann ers, backup po w er supplies, en or m o u s databas e packa g e s for teeny- we e n y business applicati ons. You need to find practical applicati ons, things to do with your techn ol o g y , w or k you can apply your drea m i n g to -- instead of the techn ol o g y itself.

ƒ The plugge r is not quite the earnest user, but you stick with techn ol o g i e s until you are no long er a disgrac e. You need to

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increas e your co m f o rt level with ma c hin es. Because you have no particular hang- ups about techn ol o g y -- you don't hate it, nor is your brain wired wr on g for it -- you are an exc ell ent candidate for outside training. In the end your challen g e is less with techn ol o g y than with exc ell en c e itself. You must find what m oti vat es you to do so m et hin g well, and then get goin g.

ƒ Our earn e s t user has a mild predica m e n t. You are go o d at techn ol o g y , and techn ol o g y has ma d e a terrific task- perfor m e r out of you. But it has also helped ma k e you dull. All you want is to do your job, to m e et specificati ons. You have better things to do in life besid es ma k e friends with your PC. You kn o w you are co m p et e nt, but you don't feel very special. You kn o w your w or k is "g o o d en ou g h." But you also sens e that "g o o d en ou g h " may not be go o d en ou g h any m or e. To m o rr o w ' s w or k ers are goin g to be asked to routinely exc e e d specificati ons. Cogs need not apply. The rec o m m e n d a ti o n here for earnest user is to get goin g. Start jog gin g. Get an easel and start daubin g. Start dev el o p in g that wild firebird spirit that is buried deep inside you so m e w h e r e .

ƒ Finally, the tech n o natur al or po w er user. We tend to think of you as the winn er in the techn ol o g y pers on ality swe e p stak es, and this wh ol e techn ol o g i c a l century is your oyster, to crack and slurp do w n at your pleasure. On the contrary, you are in so m e ways as mu c h a victi m of techn ol o g y as your opp osite, the techn o p h o b e , bec aus e techn ol o g y is often your master, and not the other way around. Seldo m are you reward e d for your techn ol o g i c a l skills the way other peopl e are for their financial or peopl e skills. You are the sort wh o easily topples into obs e s si v e n e s s, the fello w wh o stays up too late at his co m p ut er. Your insistenc e on bein g all- kn o w i n g in matters invol vin g co m p ut ers and syste m s bor d ers on an unhealthy

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ma nia and is keepin g you fro m doin g your real w or k. People wh o truly love techn ol o g y are m o st vulnera bl e to its po w er -- to distract, to confuse. People like you need to restore balanc e to your lives -- bef or e you have non e at all.

Reme m b e r that the "high est" type repres ent ed here, the techn o natural, thoug h he is great with techn ol o g y , does not run the w orl d. 22 Most techn o s feel that their love of techn ol o g y is actually a strike against the m. Very few corp orate lead ers co m e up throug h their ranks. For hea v en's sakes, they call thems elv e s nerd s . They have a facility for ma c hin es, but they suffer, too, in different ways fro m the rest of us. They get hit not on the do w n si d e, by avoi da n c e and fear, but on the topsid e, by ma nia and im b alan c e. Think of all the techn o wizards that lose their jobs every time a ne w techn ol o g y obs ol et es an old on e, or wh en the stock mark et hiccups. Think of all the fa milies that never see Dad bec aus e he is sitting at cons ol e all we e k e n d , or Mom bec aus e she is up late solvin g so m e riddle in C++. There are as ma ny co m p ut er wid o w s as foot ball wid o w s , and the nu m b er of co m p ut er wid o w e r s is on the rise.

Some techn o naturals are so intense that it wre c k s their lives. They venture just a bit too far into the darker real m s of cyberspa c e. Think of virus- ma k er Robert Tappan Morris, son of a w orl d-fa m o u s co m p ut er security expert, wh o created and unleash e d the Internet Worm upon the ARPAnet net w or k, shutting do w n mu c h of this country's defens e intellig en c e syste m s ov erni g ht. Brilliant, ingeni ous, and by all acc ounts idealistic, Robert Morris is still on probati on, don e in by the thing he m o st love d .

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Make up your mind

If you can't abid e all this talk about pers on ality, you must still reck o n with the universal plight of users today. People trying to ma k e sens e of a very difficult real m have three ch oi c e s:

1 . They can say thanks but no thanks to techn ol o g y , and walk away fro m the m o d e r n w orl d.

2. They can cry the m s el v e s to sleep every night, and hop e things are better the next day. Maybe they will. Reme m b e r , "Micros oft cares."

3. They can stop bein g afraid of what mi g ht happen and start taking resp onsi bility for what they want to acc o m p l is h.

INSERT BOX

"A human being should be able

to change a diaper,

plan an invasion, butcher a

hog, conn a ship,

design a building, write a

sonnet, balance accounts, build

a wall, set a bone, comfort the

dying,

take orders, give orders,

cooperate, act alone,

solve equations, analyze a new

problem,

pitch manure, program a

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computer,

cook a tasty meal, fight

efficiently, die gallantly.

Specialization is for insects."

ROBERT HEINLEIN23

Bypassing fear lies at the very heart of techn o wisd o m . It is not easy bec aus e fear is never superficial. It oc curs deep er do w n in you than the cons ci ous thoug hts you can marshall against it. Your task is to disar m the fear, not "ov er c o m e " it via courag e or stoicis m or brute will po w er. The way to disar m fear is with countervailing experien c e.

Here are so m e obli qu e strategi es for short- circuiting your fear impuls es:

ƒ Fight your type. If you are a true techn o p h o b e , find so m e di m e n si o n of techn ol o g y to get behind. Maybe it is the history of techn ol o g y , bi o graphi es of co m p ut er scientists, Internet discussi on roo m s (news gr oups) that are fun for you. Sneak by the thing about techn ol o g y that you don't like by e m b r a ci n g things that you can like. This puts you in the ga m e and learning; half the battle, right there.

ƒ Relax. Realize that no on e is co m f o rta bl e with the wh ol e of techn ol o g y , not even the techies wh o ma k e cracks at your fum bl e-finger ed n e s s. No on e has a co m p r e h e n si v e grasp of all the different hard war e and soft war e platfor m s . They are techn o p h o b i c , too, just in lesser degr e e than you. They act co m f o rta bl e in front of you, but that's bec aus e they kn o w you can't challen g e the m. They are cyber bullies, cov erin g up their o w n insecurities.

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We all have drea m s about techn ol o g y . For so m e of us the drea m is sm o o t h sailing. Clean and progr essi v e and enga gin g and alive, every day a ne w surprise and a pleasure. For others of us it's a night m ar e, with ma c hin es de m a n d i n g m or e fro m us, faster than we can keep up.

The very stron g temptati on is to plac e the bla m e and resp onsi bility for ma kin g it better on the should ers of the industry. They caused the probl e m ; let the m fix it.

But they will never fix the probl e m . It is techn ol o g y's business to be ne w, and bein g ne w -- really ne w -- will always cause a gap bet w e e n produ ct and public co m p r e h e n si o n , no matter ho w the produ ct bulletpro of s itself with training ma nuals, CD-ROMs, etc.

If all else fails, pack it in for a whil e, get out of the hous e, and step out into the real w orl d, wh er e the only digital things are your fingers, and even they have stoppe d dru m m i n g .

Marginal material, Chapter 2

STALEMATEPar adox #2

Computers will always be at odds with hum an individuality.

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bogosity. The measure of a thing's bogusness, falseness or unacceptability.

bolt-on. A homemade addendum, usually eccentric in design, to a common product. It works for you, but wait till you are gone and the next person tries to make it work.

bozotic. Clownishly bad, as said by programmers of poor programming.

"While the clock on my VCR has been

blinking high noon at me for five

years,

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at least the machine plays a tape

when I shove one in.

PC usability is an exercise in

existentialism. Microsoft asks me

where I want to go today.

I want to go to a land where my

computer does what I mean, not what

I type,

where SCSI addresses, IRQ

conflicts,

DMA channels and dynamic link

libraries

all live together, in harmony.

Using a PC is like getting a dog

to mate with a cat."

DAVID CHURBUCK, technology writer,

Forbes24

"Those whom computers must destroy,

they first drive mad."

UNKNOWN

"Mary had a little RAM,

maybe a meg or so."

UNKNOWN

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'"Technology has brought meaning

to the lives of many technicians."

ED BLUESTONE25

"The beauty of mechanical problems

is that they are often visible

to the naked and untrained eye.

If white smoke is rising from a disk

drive,

that is probably where the problem

lies, unless your disk drive

has just elected the new Pope."

JOHN BEAR26

"We were taken to a fast-food cafe

where our order was fed into a

computer.

Our hamburgers, made from the

flesh

of chemically impregnated cattle,

had been boiled over counterfeit

charcoal, placed between slices of

artificially flavored cardboard and

served to us by recycled juvenile

delinquents."

JEAN-MICHEL CHAPEREAU27

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"Is electronic corn-on-the-cob

really a good idea?"

WATNEY'S RED BARREL28

"Computers are not intelligent.

They only think they are."

ANONYMOUS

"For any system to adapt its external

environment, its internal controls

must incorporate variety.

If one reduces variety inside the

system,

the system is unable to cope with

variety

in its external environment."

THE CYBERNETIC LAW OF REQUISITE

VARIETY29

"The reduction of ambiguity

to achieve certainty

is the death of learning."

LINDA GLOYA30

"The principle of maximum diversity

operates

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both at the physical and at the mental

level.

It says that the laws of nature

and the initial conditions are such

as to make the universe as interesting

as possible. As a result, life is

possible but not too easy.

Always when things are dull,

something new

turns up to challenge us and to stop

us

from settling into a rut.

Examples of things which make life

difficult

are all around us: comet impacts, ice

ages, weapons, plagues, nuclear

fission, computers, sex, sin and death.

Not all challenges can be overcome,

and so we have tragedy.

Maximum diversity often leads to

maximum stress. In the end we

survive,

but only by the skin of our teeth."

FREEMAN DYSON3 1

1700 BC Royal accountants in the court of Akkad

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keep tallies on clay tablets. The first ceramic data storage device.

356 BC Aristotle, in an off-the-cuff remark, says, "A thing cannot both be A and not be A." In one remark he encapsulates the core truth of both digital mathematical and logical functions. People hearing him grunt and help themselves to second helpings of dolmati.

65 BC Archimedes creates his "planetarium" -- a geared representation of the sun, moon, and five planets.

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1000 AD. The astrolabe, invaluable to navigators, scientists, and astrologers alike.

'Most-wanted' hacker nabbed

(Raleigh, NC.) After a search of more than two years, a team of FBI agents captured Kevin D. Mitnick, one of the most wanted computer criminals, accused of a crime spree that includes the theft of thousands of data files and at least 20,000 credit card numbers from

99

computer systems around the nation.

On the run from federal law enforcement officials since November 1992, Mitnick used his sophisticated skills over the years to worm his way into the nation's telephone and cellular telephone networks and vandalize government, corporate and university computer systems. Mitnick, already wanted in California for federal parole violations, was charged with federal crimes punishable by 20

100

years in prison and $500,000 in fines.32

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Chapt e r 3

Communicating with computer people

WHAT TO LOOK FOR, WHAT TO ASK FOR, AND HOW TO SAY IT

In which the techno neophyte must do verbal battle with tech support, direct mail order takers, colleagues, electronic correspondents and the English language itself

Techn ol o g y thrusts a host of ne w social circu m stan c e s upon us, circu m stan c e s that take m o st of us wh olly by surprise. Forget the truly intense co m m u n i c ati on arenas -- ho w we inc orp orate co m p utin g into our dealings with friends, fa mily, neigh b o r s and coll ea gu es. You can succ essfully mis c o m m u n i c at e about co m p utin g even with peopl e wh o are fluent in co m p ut er es e. This chapter

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cov ers the ga mut of these co m m u n i c ati on bottlen e c k s, fro m purchasin g snafus to rotten e- mail ma nn ers.

When we first deci d e d to buy a co m p ut er, for instanc e, we never ima gin e d it w oul d be difficult dealing with sales clerks, or mail hous e op erat ors. When we went onlin e, all gung- ho to conn e ct with a thousand points around the w orl d, we had no ma nual for ho w to talk to peopl e. Heck, we never thoug ht it w oul d be a challen g e just descri bin g our syste m to our neigh b o r, ov er the backyard fenc e.

But all these circu m stan c e s do call for special resp ons es and consid erati ons. Here are so m e hints on ho w to neg otiate the social shoals of techn ol o g y .

Dealing with customer service and tech

support

Wouldn't it be great if every time you bou g ht a ne w piec e of soft war e, or a hard war e add- on, it installed itself with out a hassle? I think that wh en peopl e live really go o d lives, and then they die, and they go to hea v en, that is what happens. There are no dip switch es to set in hea v en.

Meanwhile, we are stuck in this vale of tears, ESCape cod e s, and IRQ interrupts. Proble m s happen and users need help. But ho w go o d is the custo m e r servic e that is availabl e today? How has it chang e d fro m custo m e r servic e in years gon e by? And ho w can

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users best avail the m s el v e s of the expertise that is out there for the m?

Custo m er assistanc e varies wid ely fro m co m p a n y to co m p a n y, and fro m type of co m p a n y to type of co m p a n y. Most lo w- end direct mark et outfits ma k e no bon e s about the fact that their priority is keepin g prices lo w. When installation instructions sho w not even a hint of an understandin g of the English languag e ("The Baby I/O, it can be used by all pers on al Computer whic h are in co m p ati bl e with 1 6 Bit Personal Computer" 33 ), it's a fair bet that their tech supp ort is no better.

Likewis e, the farther the produ ct seller is fro m the produ ct dev el o p er, the less likely the seller is to have solid first-hand kn o w l e d g e of the produ ct. Thoug h there are exc epti on s, retailers, resellers and other third parties usually do not kn o w ho w to run what they sell.

The best sourc e of technical supp ort is usually the ma nufacturer. Some have been very go o d inde e d. WordPerfect Corp., consid er e d for ma ny years to be the top custo m e r - supp ort co m p a n y in the industry, was al m o st alon e for ov er a deca d e in offering unli mited free 1- 80 0 custo m e r servic e during w or kin g hours. Indeed, WordPerfect provi d e d a half doz en 80 0 nu m b er s you can call, on e each for installation, features, graphics/ ma cr o s, laser printers, dot- matrix printers, other printers and net w or k s.

Think about that for a m o m e n t. You could buy WordPerfect for about $20 0 any w h er e. Of that, a third went to the retailer. That left less than $20 0 for the WordPerfect Corporati on. Now let's say the averag e custo m e r used the custo m e r supp ort nu m b er six times in

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the four- year course of o w n in g the progra m , for 20 minutes each time.

Tw o hours is not mu c h time spread ov er four years. But it was plenty expensi v e for WordPerfect Corp., easily a $ 1 0 0 value, consid erin g the cost of training custo m e r supp ort peopl e, paying the m, plus the ov er h ea d of maintaining phon e banks. That left about $ 1 0 0 to pay WordPerfect's non- custo m e r supp ort costs -- dev el o p m e n t, ma nufacturing, and advertising. It was a bargain not every custo m e r appreciated.

It m e a nt that a third of all WordPerfect e m pl o y e e s did custo m e r servic e. Compare that to on e tenth of all Micros oft's e m pl o y e e s . WordPerfect wr ot e it off as a mark eting expens e, and it was true, Micros oft spends a lot m or e by perc entag e on con v e nti o n al mark eting. For its troubl e WordPerfect could clai m a mu c h high er level of custo m e r retention; such extensiv e custo m e r supp ort is a co m p etitive advantag e.

And no w the other sho e drops. When WordPerfect Corp. m er g e d with Novell in 1 9 9 4 , it pared its supp ort to levels co m p ara bl e to the rest of the industry. No m or e unli mited 80 0 calls. The prop orti on of supp ort to non- supp ort staff is returning to industry nor m s .

It's tempting to criticize co m p a ni es that nick el- and- di m e their custo m e r s. Where do they get off chargin g us to tell us ho w their produ cts w or k? Imagine if Chrysler did that, or MCI? Where w oul d they get their next custo m e r s? One wants to sigh, but what go o d w oul d it do.

There are three m o st- used in- bet w e e n tech supp ort m e a sur es:

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ƒ A co m p a n y can m e et you half- way with pay- toll technical supp ort, in whic h you pay for the long- distanc e charg e, but not the supp ort itself. A hybrid is to offer free supp ort for the first 90 days after you buy the produ ct, after whic h time you pay for the call.

ƒ A co m p a n y can protect itself to the ma xi m u m , by ma kin g you pay for both the call and for the supp ort, on an extend e d warranty or fee basis. Compani es defen d this practice by saying that it puts the cost for supp ort wh er e it bel on g s, on the should ers of peopl e wh o have a hard time figuring things out, not on the averag e custo m e r -- thus holdin g do w n produ ct price.

ƒ A co m p a n y can have a drop- in servic e center in your city. This is m or e a hard war e phen o m e n o n than a soft war e on e. Epson, IBM, Everex, Panasonic and other co m p a ni es do this. But be w ar e -- m o st servic e centers are profit centers. While they can ans w er questi ons for you, as so o n as you push your syste m across the counter, the m et er is running.

Most maj or brands also e m pl o y sec o n d ary technical supp ort servic es, like ne wsl etters, electr oni c bulletin board syste m s (BBSes) and user foru m s. Newsletters are too slo w for expediti ous probl e m -solvin g, but they are great at br oa d c a sting gen eral solutions to co m m o n probl e m s .

BBSes are a go o d lo w- cost way to call with a probl e m in the m or nin g, and call back for the solution later that day. A variant is the tech supp ort FAX line, wh er e you send in your probl e m , and they call you back. Most co m p a ni es pick up the tab for the callba c k, but not all.

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User foru m s, like the on es con du ct ed on CompuServe and America Online, are a lo w- budg et solution. While cheap er for the caller than a long- distanc e call, users must subscri b e to the on- line servic e. And replies can so m eti m e s be days in co m i n g .

Now, non e of these solutions will ma k e you 1 0 0 perc ent happy. Even the WordPerfect solution causes gnashing of teeth, wh en you abs olutely, positively must finish a docu m e n t by 3:0 0 PM, and the phon e lines to Utah are ja m m e d with callers with less serious probl e m s , blithely taking advantag e of the free supp ort.

Tw o bad things can happen wh en you call a tech supp ort nu m b er. You can get an endless busy signal, whic h m e a n s you have to sit at your desk, so m eti m e s for an hour or m or e, redialing the nu m b er. After a whil e you want to screa m throug h the rec ei v er for your ven d or to hang up and ans w er the phon e.

The other bad thing is that the phon e will ans w er, and a ma c hin e will politely queu e you up, at your expens e, behind God-kn o w s - ho w- ma ny other waiting parties. For all you kn o w , there is only on e tech supp ort rep handling the phon es that day, and the line is 1 0 , 0 0 0 peopl e long, and the pers on currently bein g served is a gentle m a n fro m Nashua, New Hampshire, wanting to kn o w wh er e he can get an printer driver for a teletype ma c hin e he bou g ht at a rum m a g e sale in Black River Junction for $ 1 0 . Not kn o w i n g for sure, the min d plays vile tricks whil e the voi c e m a i l Muzak plays "I Am the Walrus" as perfor m e d by John Willia ms and the Boston Pops. Goo go o ka ch o o b .

There are other probl e m s with technical supp ort. One is that you never kn o w , in advan c e, what a co m p a n y's policies are. If you go to Computer City to buy a presentation ma na g er, ho w do you

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kn o w wh eth er Lotus's Freelanc e Graphics for Windo w s or Micros oft PowerPoint has the cheap er or m or e co m p l et e technical supp ort? That infor m ati on is buried deep do w n in the ma nuals. The clerk can assure you that the store will ans w er your questi ons, but they don't kn o w anything. Even the oral pro m i s e of "free technical supp ort" is riddled with loop h o l e s.

But if you are the sort of pers on wh o leans hea vily on tech supp ort servic es, you'd better do so m e preli min ary ho m e w o r k , even if it m e a n s calling the co m p a ni es in advan c e. Find out such things as the exact hours of toll- free phon e supp ort, and ho w long after purchas e tech supp ort is free. Find out if the co m p a n y has special arrang e m e n ts for users wh o are supp ort- intensive, an extend e d warranty or third- party arrang e m e n t.

If you are a volu m e buyer, strike a deal for your co m p a n y. There's no reas on why, if you have bou g ht $2 milli on w orth of Micros oft produ cts this year, you should have to get in line behind Joe Schm o e for custo m e r assistanc e. Oligop oli es have rights, too!

Look for co m p a ni es that offer specific servic e guarantees. Any time you see an unc on diti onal guarantee in an ad -- satisfaction guaranteed or your money back -- that co m p a n y has assu m e d the burd en of getting you on track and happy again, and hang the expens e. Such a guarantee may even cov er repairs.

We are lucky to be living in a time wh en quality servic e is on e way for other wis e plain- vanilla co m p a ni es to distinguish the m s el v e s . Compa q and Dell have ridden the quality rails to glory. Let the m take you for a ride, too.

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What can you do to ma k e the wh ol e tech supp ort experien c e w or k better? Here are so m e fine points of phon e etiquette. Read the m, and next time you are up a tree with a soft war e or hard war e probl e m , re m e m b e r the m bef or e dialing your tech supp ort rep.

ƒ Pull yourself together. Sure, you're havin g a lousy day. That's nothing ne w to tech supp ort reps -- they con v ers e al m o st solely with tor m e nt e d souls just like yourself. Don't play the victi m. A positive m e ntal attitude adds years to your life span, unless you thrive on bein g a crab.

ƒ Have a clue. Have imp ortant infor m ati on handy. What versi on of the soft war e you have, and what op erating syste m you are running. Your serial nu m b er, if possi bl e. Have your CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT files printed out, for quick referen c e. (This is irrelevant if you are calling with a printer probl e m .)

ƒ Shake your floppy. It often helps to have a bo ot a bl e disk ette ready. A bo ot disk is a floppy for your A: drive, that you have for m atted with the syste m files on it. By bo otin g this disk ette, you bypass your hard disk, and all the co m p li c ate d instructions there that may be causing your probl e m s .

ƒ Don't play doctor, telling the tech servic e rep in advan c e what the diagn osis is. Let hi m or her have so m e of the fun. Describe the probl e m -- what happens that keeps you fro m doin g what you want to do. Let the tech servic e take it fro m there.

ƒ Write things down. Get your tech rep's na m e, so the next time you call you aren't a voi c e out of the voi d. Sure, so m e co m p a ni es ov erl o a d you with require m e nts -- return authorization nu m b er s, etc. But, like they say, they do it "to serve you better."

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ƒ Be nice. It's so easy, in the stress you are feeling, to launch into a host of sides w i p e attacks on anything and everything asso ciated with the co m p a n y in questi on -- its inscrutabl e docu m e n tati on, its endless call lines, its useless help files, and so forth. Realize that you are firing blanks -- the rep has heard every blast you can ma k e five times bef or e lunch every day. He's rubb er and you're glue -- everything you say boun c e s off hi m and sticks to you.

Finally, do you want to hear a sad, terrible, unfortunate, ob vi o u s truth? Big co m p a ni es gen erally provi d e better servic e. They are interested in retaining custo m e r s, not just snaring the m for on e- time purchas es. Big co m p a ni es can afford to keep an extra doz en tech supp ort peopl e sitting around waiting for the phon e to ring. They can better abs or b training costs, and m or e easily attract talented peopl e. They can also afford the switchin g and routing techn ol o g y to ma k e the m o st of thos e peopl e.

Small co m p a ni es have a mu c h harder time assi milating a sudd en influx of calls. That is why it is so m eti m e s better to buy a B+ produ ct that is a standard fro m a Big 1 0 co m p a n y, than an A+ produ ct fro m a start-up that has its hand full with its succ ess.

I wish to hea v en that wer e not true, and so m eti m e s it isn't, but usually it is. The exc epti on s can be glori ous -- I am thinking of a tech supp ort pers on at AddStor, the data co m p r es si o n utility co m p a n y, wh o onc e gave m e the better part of three hours of on-line help whil e I read hi m verbati m my CONFIG.SYS, AUTOEXEC.BAT, WIN.INI and SYSTEM.INI files, character by character. Some w h e r e in line 1 1 4 he found the offen din g para m et er, fixed it, and I dre w breath again.

After he'd fixed m e up, I realized I never caught his na m e.

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Communicating with mail houses

When I bou g ht my first co m p ut er in 1 9 8 3 , buying by mail ord er was unthinka bl e. Computers wer e so finicky, and the m o o d of the public so dubi ous, that custo m e r s need e d to duplicate the secure, kick- the- tires flav or of an auto m o b i l e sho wr o o m .

Within a few years, the invasi on of the clon es struck, and it was no long er so imp ortant to pick the right brand of co m p ut er -- they wer e all very nearly the sa m e co m p ut er. In a clon e mark et, the need to kick tires dwin dl e d, and the purchas e decisi on was bas ed mu c h m or e on price. Some of the best bargains wer e sold directly fro m the mail hous e (Dell, Northgate, Gateway, Zeos) to you.

The ad ca m p ai g ns radiated confid en c e. The mail ord er clon es (phon e ord er clon es, really) wer e not only just as go o d as actual IBMs and Compa q s (this was bef or e these two started their o w n disc ou nt direct sales outposts), they wer e in so m e ways better.

Their prices wer e lo w er, of course. But price was just the beginnin g. Ordering with out leavin g ho m e and deliv ery to your do or m e a n s con v e n i e n c e . Custo m er servic e nu m b er s and tech supp ort guarantees are better supp ort co m m i t m e n t than so m e stores offer. If you buy out- of- state you often avoi d state sales taxes, whic h can

am ou nt to hundreds on a syste m sale.

The techn ol o g i c a l ev oluti on caused peopl e to ev ol v e as well. We wer e sudd enly charg e d with the brav ery to buy the m o st co m p li c ate d, m o st fragile thing we w oul d ever buy, fro m peopl e we w oul d never see, to be trucked to us by peopl e wh o scarc ely cared.

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Computing was finally and fully the great adventure of our lives. Today, a third of all syste m s are bou g ht this way.

But you have to kn o w ho w to do it. It may not, for instanc e, be the best way to buy a single syste m . Large co m p a ni es love buying 50 0 PCs at a shot fro m Gateway or Dell, bec aus e they kn o w they are getting 50 0 identical box e s, with identical chips, proc es s or s, cards, etc. Big-co m p a n y infor m ati on servic es depart m e nts have a mu c h easier time fixing and m o d ifyin g identical PCs than thos e with a zillion different nonstandard co m p o n e n ts. You, buying a mail- ord er co m p ut er fro m out of town, may end up with a syste m just different en ou g h to your local repair tea m that they will have troubl e fixing it.

That happen e d to m e onc e. I br ou g ht my clon e in to be repaired. The repair ma n really took a shine to my ma c hin e. He said it was "ing eni ou sly put tog eth er." It fit two IDE type hard drives in a very co m p a ct spac e, leavin g roo m for a m e s s of other drives. It had m or e expansi on spac e than a circus tent.

For a m o m e n t I was pretty proud of mys elf for stum blin g upon ven d or s throug h the mails wh o really kne w their engin e erin g. But the repair ma n quickly dashe d that pride. "Yeah, I think you should pack this up and truck it back to the m for repairs."

Which I did. Dragg ed my original card b o ar d and styrof oa m do w n fro m the garag e eaves, pack e d the co m p ut er carefully, wrapp ed it and taped it, label e d it for UPS, and called the Maryland co m p a n y I had bou g ht it fro m to get a return authorization nu m b er.

"I'm sorry," a fara way voi c e said, "the nu m b er you have dialed is no long er in servic e."

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Eventually I found a local repair pers on wh o could fix my probl e m , but I never did find my co m p ut er co m p a n y again.

You have to be super careful to ask the right questi ons wh en dealing with mail ord er peopl e. Once I deci d e d to buy a PC for my br oth er in San Francisc o. A previ ous mail ord er experien c e had been a disaster. The trucking co m p a n y shipping my brand ne w Hewlett- Packard LaserJet III fro m Boston to Minnesota so m e h o w let it fall off the back of the truck just south of Toled o , subdividin g the printer into elev e n piec es.

I didn't want that to happen again, so I called a mail ord er shop located right in the Bay Area. I specifically asked about deliv ery. How long w oul d it take? Oh, about four days. Do you have a go o d shipper? Yes, tip-top, A-OK.

I bou g ht the PC, waited four days, and called my br oth er. No, it hadn't arrived yet. After seven days, no, not yet. When it hadn't arrived ten days later, I called the co m p a n y, located 65 mil es fro m my br oth er's front do or, and was told it w oul dn't arrive for anoth er we e k . Why? Because it took that long to ship fro m their war eh o u s e in New Jersey.

"But, but --" I sputtered, "your ad sho w s you are in San Mateo."

"Phones are here. Wareh ous e is in Newark."

I pictured the co m p ut er boun cin g around on a flat-bed truck, finally tum blin g off into a sun- bak e d co w c a k e so m e w h e r e around Cheyenn e. Sure en ou g h, the thing finally arrived in San Francisc o with a very min or probl e m -- a drive cabl e had co m e loos e. But I couldn't diagn os e it fro m my plac e in Minnesota, and my po or br oth er -- a classic, certifiabl e techn o p h o b e -- had no way of

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kn o w i n g what the "BOOT FAILURE" m e s sa g e m e a nt, and even if he had kn o w n he w oul dn't have kn o w n ho w to unscre w the back of the box and re- conn e ct the cabl es.

Mail ord er pos es difficulties of the si mpl est sort. One's sens es of time and spac e are easily dis oriented. You can't see the face of the pers on you're givin g thousands of your dollars to -- he could have long curly horns and carry a trident with hi m to w or k every day. For all you kn o w , he could be a dise m b o d i e d brain in a petrie dish, with voi c e synthesizer and a bad baking soda habit. Face to face, these things are tip-offs; on the phon e, they're nothing.

In a way, the mail ord er situation typifies all the probl e m s of co m p utin g gen erally. If you are buying a first syste m , it is a foresha d o w i n g of what is to co m e -- imp ers o n al treat m e nt, am bi g u o u s co m m u n i c ati on s, and trying to do so m et hin g across a vast unkn o w a b l e regi on of ima ginary spac e. You mi g ht consid er mail ord er as a test of your co m p utin g future. If you can buy a co m p ut er by mail succ essfully -- getting what you want, the way you want it, for the price you wanted to pay -- you are goin g to be a star at the cons ol e .

Here are so m e of the things m o st often mis c o m m u n i c at e d:

ƒ Your op erating syste m . DOS, Windo w s , Warp OS/2, UNIX, Mac System 7.5, etc.

ƒ How your periph eral is to be conn e ct e d . Whether serial or parallel, wh eth er to an old ISA bus or the ne w er VL bus, or conf or m i n g to ne w Plug and Play require m e nts. Whether a m o u s e uses a regular PC driver or a nonstandard on e like PS/2.

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ƒ Who pays for shipping. Whether the out- of- state store still charg es you that state's sales tax. Who pays return shipping in case of probl e m s . How long shipping will take (overnig ht air or ov er du e ca m e l).

ƒ Is there a charg e for using a credit card? This is especially obn o x i o u s in a business that only acc epts credit cards.

ƒ Whether the ne w ma c hin e will acc ept your old ma c hin e's periph erals with out ne w cards or cabl es.

ƒ What is includ ed and what is not (monit or, m o d e m , CD-ROM, vid e o card, sound c ard, m o u s e, soft war e, etc.)

ƒ What will be preinstalled and what you will have to do yourself.

Thes e are points you fully intend e d to ask on the phon e, but in the heat of the m o m e n t, and the preci ousn ess of dayti m e long- distanc e calling, you didn't.

You need to kn o w , if you are buying on the cheap, if you are mistak enly ord ering on e of last year's laptops, not this year's. (Last year's laptops always stink, this year's are always the breakthr ou g h m o d e l s. This is true regardless of the actual year.)

When buying fro m direct mail liquidation outlets, sight unseen, weird things can happen. Years ag o, a friend op en e d a shipping crate and found, not a gen eric, putty- col or e d box, but a shiny-plastic, le m o n - yello w box with bor d er- decals of daffodils and ane m o n e s surroundin g a plate that read "LADY DATA." At least at a physical liquidation outlet you get to see the horrific mark eting errors bef or e you bail the m out.

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My experien c e has been that it's mu c h m or e pleasant buying fro m an establish e d mail ord er factory like Gateway or Dell than fro m a mail ord er catal o g offering a wid e rang e of produ cts. People wh o only sell syste m s need less training than peopl e wh o sell syste m s plus soft war e plus co m p ut er furniture, and they will be able to help you m or e. Systems sales peopl e have a progra m running whic h configures your drea m syste m for you, telling you exactly ho w mu c h m or e, for instanc e, a PCMCIA slot will add to your total. And they will let you kn o w if your request is out of kilter -- your hard drive is too small or your po w er supply too big. Direct mark eting superstor es sell on price, period -- they w o n't be able to help you ch o o s e bet w e e n WordPerfect or Micros oft Word.

What are the chanc es you will get co m p l et ely shafted -- that a co m p a n y will take your m o n e y and not send you what you ord er e d? About on e in a hundred. The probl e m isn't outright fraud so mu c h as co m p a ni es playing the Chapter Eleven ga m e , in whic h they take m o n e y fro m ne w ord ers and use it to pay outstanding bills -- so you bec o m e the ne w outstanding bill, bye bye and go o d luck.

You are especially vulnera bl e to this ploy if you ord er by chec k -- anoth er reas on to always use a credit card, bec aus e the card issuer has a relationship with the retailer and will interce d e on your behalf. If you de m a n d a charg e b a c k fro m your card co m p a n y, in writing and separate fro m your m o nthly bill pay m e nt, they are oblig e d by law to at least think about it.

You have other opti ons, as well. First off, call the co m p a n y. Don't go running to the Feds until you're satisfied you've been go o d and shafted. If the co m p a n y rep stone w a lls, ask to talk to so m e o n e

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else. Put your probl e m in writing, and hold onto your copi es -- that go es for all rec eipts, bills of lading, ads you ord er e d fro m , etc.

If that fails, or if you bou g ht with a pers on al chec k, then co m p l ain to your local postal inspect or. I kn o w , that sounds like thro wi n g the fa mily dog do w n the well, but it so m eti m e s w or ks. The postal servic e has a fair reputation for enf or cin g mail regulations, in contrast to the Federal Trade Com m i s si o n, whic h has o o d l e s of mail fraud regulations in print, but is said to be indifferent to individual clai m s.

And if neither of these agen ci es can help, contact the Mail Order Action Line of the mail ord er industry's professi on al asso ciati on, the Direct Marketing Associati on (6 East 43rd Street, New York NY 1 0 0 1 7 ) . They are hot to root out firms that ma k e the professi on loo k bad, and they will offer to act as a go- bet w e e n to resol v e your dispute.

I-Ways and byways

You walk throug h a bo o k st or e these days and im m e d i at ely stand in the shad o w of a en or m o u s stack of Internet navigat ors, expl or ers, and voya g ers, under a galle o n of different imprints, that, if it toppled and fell on you, w oul d beat you into crea m e d corn.

People are swar m i n g onto the Internet in unprec e d e nt e d nu m b er s, in a vast virtual mi grati on. The net is said to be gro w i n g by about 20 % every m o nth. One co m p a n y after anoth er is leapfro g g i n g its way into the cyber regi ons, thoug h no on e has

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ma d e any real m o n e y there yet. Total sales ma d e on the Internet in 1 9 9 4 , for instanc e, wer e a negligi bl e $20 0 milli on -- less that $3 per user. 34

The big co m m e r c i al onlin e servic es are playing a big role in the rush. Single- hand e dly, America Online and Delphi have m o n g r eliz ed the Usenet ne ws gr o u ps. Prodigy is next, with plans to du mp its tee mi n g mass es upon the unsuspecting World Wide Web. God only kn o w s ho w ch o k e d the info thor ofar e will be onc e CompuServe finds a way to put its 2 milli on users on full- scale Internet surfb oards.

To ma k e things w ors e, the really big boys have been wei g hin g in this past m o nth. Micros oft is building Internet dial- up capa bilities into Windo w s 95, with World Wide Web, the graphic Internet net w or k that is what peopl e talk about wh en talk about "surfing the net" availabl e as an opti on. AT&T and MCI are like wis e entertaining imp erial am biti ons regarding cyberspa c e. They are planning Internet acc ess progra m s of their o w n . That ne ws surely sends a shiver do w n the vertebra of every m o m and pop gate w a y op erat or this side of Little America.

Amidst this cli mat e of craziness, it mi g ht be wis e to consid er so m e of the serious shortc o m i n g s to travelin g the I-Ways in our time:

ƒ What superhighway? The superhig h w a y every o n e talks about so ecstatically -- everything ho o k e d up to everything, superfast trans missi o n, transparent use interfac es -- does not exist yet. Internet soft war e, thoug h it impr o v e s by leaps and boun ds every six m o nths, is still hard to use and confusing. It is not as big (70 milli on users) as peopl e are saying. A clos er figure is 1 2 0 milli on regular

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users w orl d w i d e 35 in mi d- 1 9 9 5 -- thoug h it is dou blin g annually. The sheer volu m e of traffic brings every o n e to a slo w cra wl -- Monday m or nin g bein g the w orst.

ƒ The language is, like, Hittite. Net users of the future will be astonish e d that we had to learn the differen c e bet w e e n FTP, HTML, gop h er and Telnet. Entirely too ma ny bo o k s about the UNIX co m m a n d languag e have been written and sold.

ƒ People are rude. The unpleasantest awak e nin g of all is to just ho w unfriendly peopl e on the nets can be. There is a perpetual war bet w e e n veterans and ne w b i e s, thos e wh o kn o w and are in a position to dictate net etiquette, and thos e too ne w to the envir on m e n t to fit in. At their w orst the ne w b i e s are guests wh o ov erstep their wel c o m e . At their w orst, the veterans are offici ous funkillers -- like teena g e d lifeguards wh o let their whistles go to their heads.

ƒ The network of networks is not networked. By this I m e a n whil e co m m e r c i al onlin e servic es are unilaterally provi din g acc ess to mu c h of the Internet for their custo m e r s, that the freed o m of acc ess is not recipr o c al. A CompuServe custo m e r can't loo k around in America Online. An Internet gate w a y subscri b er cann ot exa mi n e the treasures of Prodigy.

ƒ You never find what you are looking for. Spend an aftern o o n grappling with the big onlin e research databas es, and you will kn o w the m e a nin g of research pain. The guiding vision behind these databas es (Knowled g e Index, Orbit, Dialogu e, IQuest, Magazine DataBase Plus, Lexis, etc.) is to co m p il e abstracts and full- text versi on s of every article ever publish ed, alon g with every ite m in every maj or referen c e title (Who's Who, Book s In Print , etc.). But to

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find the m you must craft search strings using the hit-or- miss languag e of Boolean sy m b o l i c logic. To o often, the article you need si mply can't be located this way, or you can't think of the right search strings to loo k for. Mistakes cost m o n e y . A lot of mistak es lead on e to quit loo kin g altog eth er.

ƒ Data is overpriced. If you want to find a ma g azin e article on the net, expe ct either not to find it or to pay a pre miu m price wh en you do find it. The Internet itself offers so m e data sourc es, but they are rand o m and inc o m p l et e. Com m e r c i al databas es like Lexis and DIALOG are outlandishly expensi v e, costing thousands per year. This is a real contro v er sy. Should non- proprietary infor m ati on be the captive of co m m e r c i al interests? That is what Lexis thinks: they des er v e $7 per citation bec aus e they take such go o d care of it. Or should it be free? That is the prejudic e of Internet old- timers -- but their infor m ati on is spotty and often outdated. Ideally, we will end up so m e w h e r e in the mi d dl e , paying en ou g h to reward the add ed value of maintenan c e, but not paying an ar m and a leg for so m et hin g that costs the ven d or nothing.

ƒ It is a security sieve. Despite all the talk of big business taking ov er the net, it has been a very slo w rush. More of an o oz e, really. The reas on -- corp orati ons are reluctant to enter into an interactive data relationship with every o n e in the w orl d. Hackers, phreak ers, and late- night mis c hi ef ma k ers ador e finding chinks in digital firewalls, and seein g what is inside. Do you want to post your Visa nu m b er on an insecure net w or k? One of the ma ny ironies of the net is that it was found e d as a reliabl e national security platfor m for go v ern m e n t/ military co m m u n i c ati on s in the 1 9 6 0 s , and today it is so huge and so divers e and so unreliabl e that the go v ern m e n t and

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military w oul d be crazy to use it for anything even half way confid ential.

ƒ It is anarchic. The Internet itself is a trem e n d o u sly free- wh e elin g plac e, wh er e freed o m of speec h is the para m o u nt value -- often to the exclusi on of the si mpl e dec e n c i e s we prize in our non- net lives. Before on e can locate the alt.bibl e.study.c o o k i e s ne ws gr o u p, on e may first have to walk a gauntlet of purvey ors of kiddie porn, freak e d- out, ar m e d - to- the- teeth conspiracy buffs, starry- eyed get-rich- quick sche m e r s, teena g ers just disc o v erin g the rhetorical impa ct of four- letter w or d s, and sad, sick psych otics wh o stalk and terrorize their e- prey. This is not to every o n e's taste. Worse, it is the pand ering politician's drea m issue. Yet ho w do you cla m p do w n on the hide ous and the od d with out impin gin g the rights of all? Indeed, in a de- centralized net w or k, ho w could an arous ed go v ern m e n t achiev e centralized controls a la 1984 ?

ƒ It is not anarchic enough. Different parts of the I-Way play by different rules, and it is the resp onsi bility of the visitor to learn and live by the m. A ne w class of roo m m o d e r at ors, syste m op erat ors and ad ministrators, traffic cops, list ma na g ers, and anch or users has arisen to act as judges of what is acc epta bl e and what is unacc epta bl e. Many ne ws gr o u ps have their o w n detailed rules of enga g e m e n t (FAQ or Frequently Asked Questions files) that on e must study. Thes e peopl e can be very annoyin g, as wh en they infor m you that a post that took you 25 minutes to co m p o s e , and posted to a roo m full of peopl e you are dying to address, has been obliterated bec aus e it violated Question #11 4 on that ne ws gr o u p's FAQ.

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ƒ Too much, too soon. The w orst thing about living on the net is that things are changin g so rapidly that infor m ati on m o l d s ov er bef or e it is publish ed. Why do Internet bo o k s waste 80 pag es listing Usenet ne ws gr o u ps wh en a third of all entries will be e m pty shells by the time a read er tries to visit the m, and anoth er, unlisted third will have sprung into existenc e? The World Wide Web is a great exa m p l e. In 1 9 9 3 , there was no such thing. In 1 9 9 4 , on e need e d Mosaic soft war e to acc ess it. In 1 9 9 5 , no on e was creating Web pag es for Mosaic any m or e; NetScape had replac e d it as the de facto standard. And so it go es, and will go, for the fores e e a b l e future: net riders will have to step ni m bly to avoi d tripping on last year's infor m ati on.

For all but techn o naturals, there is only on e cure for hard times on the I-Way, and that is to calculate exactly ho w mu c h aggra vati on you are willing to put up with, and stick to that level. Research ers have always had opti ons to onlin e research, and they can stick to thos e until onlin e search es bec o m e easier to do. (Warning: m o st library catal o g syste m s no w also use Boolean search logic.)

Meanwhile, put do w n your hea vy burd en and wait. Better soft war e is co m i n g . The hypertext surfing style of the World Wide Web will end the nec essity of kn o w i n g the differen c e bet w e e n FTP, gop h er, and Telen et. Someh o w so o n, a co m b i n ati on of ne w m o d e m s , ne w wires, ne w soft war e and ne w structure will co m b i n e to create faster, si mplified, lo w er- cost syste m is taking shape. It may be so m e cons ol ati on to the ne w b i e s of the net that, for all the grief they endure, it was they and not net veterans wh o forc ed the net w or k of net w or k s to finally adapt to hu ma n bein gs.

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Etiquette for the e-mail unlettered

Read a letter written a century or so ag o, and you realize that the art of letter- writing has fallen upon pretty lean times. In thos e days, peopl e set aside time to write, as entertain m e nt, and the letters that flo w e d wer e long, and thoug htful, and literate, and intellig ent. It was artful writing, with great swash signatures ("John Hancoc k "), all don e in ink, using a bird feather as a pen, and unerasa bl e ink. And no search/replac e, and no bl o c k m o v e s . And just about every o n e did it.

Nowa days, we phon e, and the art of letter- writing is a thing of the past. What is bed e v ilin g ma ny of us, ho w e v e r , is that a ne w techn ol o g y -- e- mail -- is requiring that we think back and recall so m e of thos e letter- writing skills.

E-mail can take ma ny for m s -- it is all the m e m o s , re min d ers, chits and notes we write that used to be sent throug h the U.S. mail or via interoffic e mail, or call in by voi c e phon e, that we no w type into our co m p ut ers. E-mail m e s sa g e s can be as long as a bo o k or as short as a Post-It note. We tap out e- mail fro m re m ot e offic es, fro m hotel roo m s and conf er en c e centers, fro m clients' offic es.

For ma ny of us, the day begins with writing a few such m e s sa g e s , and ends with readin g a handful of m e s sa g e s to us. It can be a way of swapping notes and reports within your co m p a n y, fro m depart m e nt to depart m e nt. It can be a way to stay in touch whil e you're on the road, or w or kin g at ho m e . It can be way of co m m u n i c ating around the w orl d, using servic es like MCI Mail, Genie, and CompuServe.

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E-mail m e s sa g e s don't have to be flo w er y or erudite. But they are imp ortant -- they say a lot about our values, our attention to detail, and the reputations of the organizations we repres ent. To help you bring your e- mail writing style up to snuff, here is a list of guid elin es and tips.

1) Sound human. It does n't matter ho w imp ortant the subject is, or ho w technical, or ho w imp ortant you are. Readabl e writing is si mply talking, on paper. When in dou bt ho w to express a thing, write it the way you w oul d say it. Use every day languag e. Vary your senten c e lengths. Be friendly. Use hu m o r to break up the tension of what you have to say. E- Mail is usually for your fello w tea m- m e m b e r s , so sho w so m e tea m spirit. Say ain't. Do what you have to, to keep your read ers fro m nod din g off, or w ors e, wa d din g you up and discarding you.

2) Don't be a noodle. When my daughter was 4, she liked riddles, but she thoug ht that any funny- soundin g ans w er to any rand o m questi on constituted a riddle. Her teach er explain ed riddles with a riddle:

Q. What is the differen c e between a needle and a noodle ?

A. A needle has a point.

Never talk for the sake of talking. Say so m et hin g! If you're just posting a m e s sa g e to re min d peopl e you exist, they may be m o v e d to w o n d er why you exist. On-the- on e- hand/on- the- other- hand posts go no w h er e. Have courag e, take a stand. State your con clusi on s at the beginnin g, not at the end. E-mail is no plac e for slo wl y unfoldin g dra ma.

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3) Ssshh! Don't use ALL CAPS in any sustained way. They are OK for headlin es or phrases whic h you mi g ht ordinarily underline or italicize. BUT TYPING LENGTHY STATEMENTS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS MAKES IT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE SHOUTING, and it is annoyin g. Alternatives to capitalizing wh en you wish to e m p h a siz e includ e brack eting e m p h a s e s with underlines, _like this_, or with asterisks, like *this.* The rule should be to study the e- mail syste m you are on, to see what other peopl e there use.

4) Look sharp. Ninety perc ent of go o d writing is clarity, and half of clarity is appearanc e. No on e likes facing a long unbr o k e n bl o c k of text characters. Your key b o ar d has an ENTER key -- use it frequ ently. Put a blank line bet w e e n paragraphs -- it is a treat for your read ers to see that each paragraph is really a separate thoug ht. And it will help you to organize your o w n thinking. Use mini-headlin es to su m m a riz e each paragraph that foll o w s . If you have five points to ma k e, why not nu m b er the m as such, and indent each on e. Or use bullets. Your read er's eyes will appreciate the visual organization.

In the old days peopl e routinely wr ot e paragraphs 50 lines long. People had the time and attention spans to attack such m o n o l ithic paragraphs. No m or e. Today se mi c o l o n s are the walkin g death of reada bility. Try to limit your paragraphs to four or five lines. Use white spac e -- dashes -- ellipses ... they're all free.

5) Be brief. Posts don't have to fill a screen. Want to ackn o w l e d g e a post fro m so m e o n e else? How about: Good idea! Thanks! Way to go! Call m e! You're fired! You can be civilized

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with out ba b blin g. There's an old adag e in sho w biz that is equally true in e- mail -- leav e 'e m wanting m or e.

6) Use macros, soft war e- crated shortcuts, that signal instantly what your m e m o s are about. Why not create a series of three ma cr o s that, at the touch of on e key each, type the foll o w i n g pro m pts for you:

(1) SUBJECT:

(2) SUMMARY:

(3) ACTION REQUIRED:

If your na m e appears at top, and your post is less than a screen long, don't sign with a ma cr o ("Marilyn T. Anders on, Assistant Vice President- Environ m e n tal Services") -- it's redundant. At the end of a long er post, ho w e v e r , wh en peopl e may have forg otten wh o started the m e m o way back five screens earlier, it may be appropriate.

7) Use your technology. Use a m e m o r y - resident spell- chec k er or thesaurus if they help you avoi d the e m b a rrass m e nt of missp elling a w or d or using on e inc orre ctly.

As often as possi bl e, co m p o s e your m e s sa g e s off- line. Your regular w or d proc es s or is mu c h m or e po w erful and easier to use than the tiny text editors used on m o st e- mail syste m s . You can do bl o c k m o v e s , sorts, and all that deep- feature stuff that ma k e s your m e m o shine -- bef or e goin g on- line. Gram m a r, style, and other usage soft war e tools are fine. But they are no substitute to paying attention to what you say, and putting yourself in your intend e d read er's plac e. Best of all is sho w i n g the m e m o to anoth er pair of

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eyes bef or e saving it. If only to ma k e sure you're using they're, there, and their right.

8) Death to jargon and smart talk. Jargon is languag e that you kn o w , that is specific to your training or back gr ou n d, that other peopl e may not kn o w . If you sell m e d i c al instru m e nts, your custo m e r s (physicians) may understand their jarg on (medi cin e) but not yours (bioen gi n e erin g). So put a lid on it. Smart talk -- using pointless long w or d s instead of si mpl e understanda bl e on es -- is even w ors e. Saying modification instead of change , or utilize instead of use . At this point in time instead of now .

Reme m b e r Al Haig ("Gentle m e n , let m e caveat that.")? Talk English. If you're a bl o c k h e a d , your read er will figure that out any wa y, no matter ho w polysylla bi c your vo c a bulary.

9) Wait. Just bec aus e you wr ot e your brilliant m e s sa g e fro m the very fires of your genius does n't m e a n you can't set it aside for an hour or two bef or e saving. Most e- mail syste m s allo w you to co m p o s e m e s sa g e s off- line and upload the m later. That may sound inefficient -- it proba bl y m e a n s printing out m e s sa g e s to you, and co m p o s i n g resp ons es on a separate text editor like Q-Edit or Notepad. But the delay is time well- spent. It gives you the chanc e to say exactly what you want to say -- and to re- read the m e s sa g e you're ans w erin g.

1 0) Get a life. Some executives and executives- to- be don't think they're bein g ma nly or ma na g erial unless they fire off 50 m e s sa g e s each day. The psych ol o g y is that the m er e presen c e of five daily m e s sa g e s in every e m pl o y e e 's mail will con vin c e the m you are ten steps ahea d of their every m o v e . Lighten up! Smell the

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coff e e, or sm ell the roses, or du mp coff e e on the roses and sm ell both.

Ambiguity is an inherent characteristic of languag e. Verbal co m m u n i c ati on can never be truly precis e. Always, so m e o n e will take what so m e o n e else says "the wr on g way." The trick is to put things as si mply and directly as possi bl e ... to ask the other pers on if they understand correctly ... and to keep paraphrasing until you're in co m p l et e agree m e n t. Don't quit trying. Bad writing is its o w n w orst ene m y -- it wastes time, corr o d e s the spirit of co m m u n i c ati on, puts your organization in a bad light, and under mi n e s your o w n go o d reputation. Reme m b e r that your m e m o is not really for you -- it's for that other pers on, wh o stands to ben efit so m e h o w fro m what you say. Why not say it in a way that ma xi m iz es that ben efit?

Join the campaign against e-sludge

A Richard Fader of Passaic, New Jersey writes with this predica m e n t:

Dear Mike,

As a univer sity profe s s o r I have been getting more and more mes s ag e s on the Internet. I wouldn't mind if the mes s ag e s were relevant to me, or requir ed action on my part.

At first I welcom ed e-mail. It was direct, simple, and cheap. But lately it has been corrupted -- by the same idiots that ruined the old system of paper memo routing.

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I am talking about "cc- ing" -- the habit of writing a memo, then adding a dozen name s to the end. Using online servic e s, it is simple to forward a mes s ag e about the water coole r to a dozen people -- or a thousand.

Some people maintain long mailing lists of people to include in their corr e s p ond en c e . They attach files to letter s and letter s to files -- so that every day you peer into your e-mail box and see this dozen- eyed monste r of rider s, posts c r ipt s, and hanger s- on all blinking at you, waiting to be read.

People who cc think that sending to a dozen people instead of one makes their mes s ag e more important. It is a way of showing off. Maybe they think you will be flattered to be included. But it is a huge bore. It was a terrible waste of paper and photoc opying in the 1980s and it is a dreadful waste of time and wavelength in the 1990s.

A recent event put me over the edge on this. I sent a memo to one individual that had made slightly sensitive mention of another per s on. Well, that was dumb, but lo and behold, might you gues s to whom my note was cc'd ?

Micha el, what can be done about these people ? How can we get the word to them? Can technology come to the res cu e ?

Dear Profess or Fader,

You kn o w , for a fancy sch m a n c y profess or you sure w orry about so m e eensy been sy things.

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But I agree with you. One time I, Michael Finley, posted a m e s sa g e in a Usenet roo m be m o a n i n g the clog and spra wl that was every w h e r e apparent. There is so mu c h posting in so m e roo m s that the entire contents can scroll by in as little as 48 hours.

My m e s sa g e was spotted by so m e group w or kin g to devis e ne w Internet m o n it orin g para m et ers to cop e with the giant wa v e of e-sludg e. They apprised m e of their sche m e and asked if I w oul d like to be includ ed in their private e- mail discussi on s on ho w to strea mlin e e- mail.

You proba bl y sens e an ironic turn of events at this point, and rightly so. For every time I log g e d onto the Internet for the next few m o nths, I was delug e d with corresp o n d e n c e -- 1 0 - 20 pag es per day -- fro m this group seekin g a better way.

E-sludg e is like junk mail, only w ors e. Junk mail is easily identifiabl e -- it is shiny and four- col or, or it is in a br o w n envel o p e infor m i n g you you have w o n $40 milli on. Easy to spot, easy to discard. E-sludg e, ho w e v e r , is fro m peopl e you kn o w , coll ea gu es and asso ciates wh o s e go o d w i ll you do not want to discard so lightly. The Internet and other servic es give users the opti on of creating a "kill file" of peopl e you do not wish under any circu m stan c e s to exchan g e mail with.

This is great for fending off stalkers and dittoh ea d s, but no help in dealing with custo m e r s and asso ciates wh o think they are doin g you a favor by including you in on their daily perorations. They are m or e like do or- to- do or evan g elists -- you don't want to hurt their feelings, but you sure wish they w oul d let you get back to your ball ga m e .

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Another possi bility is to create a five- or six- line "signature" file -- on e that auto m atically ends every e- m e s sa g e you send -- warnin g peopl e that you don't care to be includ ed in epistolary ga m e s of ring- around- the- rosie (a kids' ga m e wh o s e lyrics, I'm told, refer to the great bonfires of bo di es conflagrated during the Black Death in Europe in the 1 4th Century). This is the equival ent of hangin g a NO SOLICITING sign on your e- mail b o x .

A go o d signature file mix es wit, whi m s y, and a snippet of qu otati on or trivia. Mine is an earnest entreaty:

mfinley@skypoint.c

om

For the

love of God, don't send me e-mail

unless it has something to

do with me.

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You can co m e up with your o w n signature phrases, or you can use on e of min e. There's the classical approa c h: "Into each life an oc c a si o n al cc must drip -- please don't drip yours into min e."

Pretend you're a grouc h, and so take the onus of bad e- mail etiquette off the m: "Give the preci ous gift of time -- leav e m e the hell alon e."

Or go mystical on the m: "Silenc e is the great revelati on -- shut up and see."

If you're graphically inclined, Profess or Fader, any of these can be crafted into beautiful four col or ima g e s suitable for uploadin g and do w n l o a d i n g . You could ma k e the m loo k like thos e little sayings peopl e have around their licens e plates, or a needl ep o i nt sa mpl er, or a kidnapp er's note ma d e of thos e cut- out letters fro m ma g azin es.

Then, wh en e- mail ers co m e a- tapping on the do or to your burro w with a fresh load of sludg e, they will see your signature, and steal quietly away.

But why wait until they sho w up at your do or to spring it on the m? Create a mailing list of every o n e that has ever both er e d you or mi g ht so m e d a y consid er both erin g you -- then let 'e m have it.

A pre- e m ptiv e attack of e- sludg e, Profess or Fader -- that's what you need. It will teach the m a less on they will never forg et. Do it for New Jersey. Do it for all of us.

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Marginal matter, Chapter 3

BABELPar adox #3:

Techn ol o g y is a co m m o n langua g e that no tw o peo pl e spea k

in co m m o n .

1617 John Napier, the wealthy Baron of Merchiston, outside Edinburgh, Scotland, is a hobbyist mathematician. He is famous today among math types for inventing logarithms, numbers that simplify multiplication and division to addition and subtraction. He also invents a forerunner of the tank, an armed

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chariot containing several musketeers. He designs mirrors that can set fire to faraway ships, perhaps making him the intellectual godfather of Star Wars. But computer historians will remember him for devising a contraption of sliding rods called Napier's Bones, allowing struggling scientists of the modern era to make rapid logarithmic calculations.

1621 Rev. William Oughtred, an Englishman, follows up on Napier's

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investigations. Not unusual for scientists of that day, Oughtred is torn between his fascination with numbers and his love of God. His big contribution is fashioning the first slide rule, which he calls "Circles of Proportion." He is hailed as a genius, and he tutors some of the brightest up and coming mathematicians at Oxford.

1630 One of Oughtred's students is one Richard Delamain, who causes quite a stir claiming that he, not Oughtred, had invented the slide rule. Oughtred

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is outraged, and the two go at each other in print and in public for many years. This happens long before future intellectual property squabbles between Microsoft, Apple, Lotus, Adobe and everyone else. Eventually the agreed to split credit for the device, and Delamain goes on to become math tutor to Charles II, who had quite a head for numbers himself, for a time.

brain dump. Spilling all. Divulging everything. Core heave.

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brain damage. See Pentium.

computer. In the old days, a person who sat on a tall stool, adding up figures. Nowadays, it refers to a machine performing the same function, run by a person in a regular chair.

divide by zero. MIT mathematician Norbert Wiener tried to test Siblitz's first electronic computer using Boolean as opposed to digital logic, at a remarkable presentation in 1938, at which Wiener tried to trick the

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computer into dividing by zero -- something undoable, a schoolboy's trick. Divide by zero has been the programmer's nemesis ever since -- it is the standard error message for millions of program bugs. A black hole has been described as God's attempt to divide by zero.

"The computer is down.

I hope it's something serious."

STANTON DELAPLANE36

"The most overlooked advantage

to owning a computer is that if they

foul up there's no law against

whacking them around a little."

STAN PORTERFIELD37

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"Is this the party to whom I am

speaking?"

LILY TOMLIN, as Ernestine38

"When I am speaking to one party

and a second party is calling,

how do I decide which one to continue

to speak to, and which one gets put

on hold?

One is forced to make an on-the-spot

judgment

that inevitably leads to all sorts of guilt

feelings."

MARC BRYAN-BROWN39

The etiquette of poking around in

someone else's system

A few helpful do's and don'ts to observe in the delicate business of poking around inside

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other people's equipment:

x First, get all spouses out of the room. All day long he or she has been giving your friend hell for spending the furnace money on a computer in the first place. (That's probably your fault, too.) Spouses are "bad cops." If they hang around, arms crossed, toes tapping on the shag rug, your resolve will weaken like nobody's business.

x Never show fear. If you waffle at the prospect of cracking open a tape drive with a screwdriver, or tapping it with a balpeen hammer, or poking it with a barbecue fork, what good are you to your friend in need? You wouldn't want to wake up in the middle of open heart surgery and see

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your doctor holding your heart in his hand and with an insecure expression up above the surgical mask, where his eyebrows are, would you?

x Don't ask permission -- ask forgiveness. The moment friends ask your advice, they empower you to do what you think best. No hand-holding, no charts and graphs, no bibliography and no cost-benefit analysis. Just dive in there and start yanking.

x Put humor in your toolkit. Keep up a lively patter while disassembling. Let your friend be in charge of the things you pull out, like the little screws. When it's time to put them back in, tell him it's very vital that he hand them back to you in the order you

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gave them to him. The look on his face is worth the price of admission.

x Accentuate the positive. You wouldn't be knee-deep in your friend's transistors if something wasn't wrong somewhere. Chances are something will need replacing, and some of these things cost money. If you squeeze a little hard on the chip extractor, and the chip caves in, quickly allay your friend's needless worry. These computer parts aren't designed to last forever, after all. Tip: Think of peripherals as fan belts; early and frequent replacement is the surest way to guarantee a long and purposeful life for your computer.

x When you screw up, make like it's a

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breakthrough in human knowledge. No one expects perfection, just a good honest effort. When you fall measurably short of perfection, take solace in lessons learned. I can't begin to convey how comforting it has been to hear me say things like, "You know, the manufacturer of these diskettes should put warnings on the sleeves about the dangers of microwave ovens," or "PC Magazine pays $50 and a T-shirt for stories like this one about what happens when you hook up a laptop to a car battery."

x Expect no reward for all your kindnesses. How typical it is of human nature: you come to your friends' assistance, you open

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their computers, and in the course of your examination you accidentally tip a beaker of boysenberry pancake syrup over the keyboard. Hey, it happens. But do your friends rush in, as real friends are supposed to, to reassure you that it's all right? No, they turn on you like vicious rabid dogs.

x Start deflecting blame early. Ideally, before the first plume of smoke appears. Say things like, "Man, don't you ever vacuum in here?" Or, "Looks like a classic case of penny-wise and dollar foolish." Or, "Are you sure you read the installation manual from cover to cover before booting up?" Take a tip from the major players: It's

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always the end-user's fault.

Don't Be a Newbie

Every month thousands of new subscribers swarm into the Usenet newsrooms of the Internet. Most are nonplused at the cold welcome they receive.

Usenet newcomers, or newbies, are held in the lowest regard by Internet veterans. The phrase newbie, originated in British public schools, and is short for "new boy." It first surfaced on the net in the talk.bizarre newsroom two years ago and is now part of the parlance.

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Newbies may be tolerated if they are sincere or appear educable. More often they are excoriated for being, as a class, stupid, illiterate, uncivil, underage, chromosomally clueless, and undoubtedly hailing from one of the odious meganodes (Delphi was the most reviled, until AOL users flooded the net, earning butthead bragging rights).

To avoid the opprobrium of being a newbie, eschew:

Posting a chain letter or publishing fast-money solicitations.

Blathering, going on and on pointlessly, or posting an "urban legend" as true. ("Well, a friend of a friend told me ...")

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Crossposting (spewing) the following familiar message to all 5000 newsgroups: "Anyone there? Please rite as I luv to get mail."

Including the entire text of the message you are responding to, or worse, including no contextual clues whatsoever.

Unwisely adding a 12-line signature file at the end of every message, that comes out doubled with every post.

never using upper case. OR MUCH, MUCH WORSE, NEVER USING LOWER CASE. It's ... screamy.

Posting antediluvian copier room humor (i.e., "Murphy's Laws"). What

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was funny once is fossilized now.

Posting in B1FF-speak ("B1FF IZ A Kk001 d0oD!!@!!")

Responding to "flamebait" everyone else is weary of. Net vets do not wish to discuss the divinity of Jesus, particularly in the alt.cyberpunk room. Since they're tired of it, they ask that you be, too.

Taking a flamer seriously that no one else does. The ignorant newcomer overreacts to a net-troll everyone else pretends isn't there. It only encourages them.

And by all means do:

Be cool. Don't post in a group until you've read it for a few weeks, and developed a feel for

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what kind of people hang out there.

Master netiquette. Neither a flamebaiter nor a flamer, a blatherer nor a net-weenie be. There are books (like The Elements of E-mail Style, by David Angell and Brent Heslop, Addison-Wesley) to guide you through the e-mail minefield.

Read the FAQs (Frequently Asked Question files). Most serious newsgroups have one. If you have FTP, you can download just about any FAQ from rtfm.mit.edu.

Use newlines. Break the lines of your posts before they exceed 80 characters.

When in doubt, lurk. Be inconspicuous until

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you get the lay of the land.

Hie thee to the newsgroup news.announce.newusers and read all the articles that show up in there, for about a month (until they start to repeat). There's about 12 or 15 of them.

Take your time by "marking" an article that interests you as "unread." If, after reading the entire thread, no one has made the point you wish to make, you may sally forth and make it yourself.

Be of good cheer. We all are newbies when we start -- and remain so in all newsgroups till we familiarize ourselves with them all -- which no one ever does.

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Remember: these wizened veterans (some of them all of 17 years old) wouldn't be so cruel to the clueless if they weren't insecure about something themselves. Chances are good that the person slamming you is only a little less moist behind the cyber ears.

34 $200 million figure comes from a get-rich-quick book by despised net pioneers and immigration lawyers Canter and Siegel, who infuriated millions when they uploaded their "green card legal services"onto ever single one of Usenet's over 5000 newsgroups. Predictably, they hawk their book right on the net.

35 "Internet Smaller than Supposed," Associated Press, May 2, 1995; interview with Matrix News editor John Quarterman

36 Lindsly

37 Lindsly

38 Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In

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39 Quoted in a column by Ron Alexander, "New Yorkers, Etc.," The New York Times, January 6, 1991, p. E26

Chapt e r 4

When bad things happen to good computers

THE IMPORTANCE OF A SOLID REPAIR PARTNERSHIP

As equestrians of old relied on their trusted smithies, so must today's users of technology form strong bonds with professionals they trust

Fro m the beginnin g of the pers on al co m p ut er rev oluti on 1 5 years ag o, prop on e nts have clai m e d ease of installation and repair as a pri mary feature. Old-fashi on e d mainfra m e co m p ut ers required a white- jacket ed tea m of on- call syste m s maintenan c e professi on als to fine- tune and ease the big iron throug h its inevita bl e period s of adjust m e nt.

By contrast, any intellig ent user of deskt op PCs could do anything that really need e d doin g: adding m e m o r y , installing

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expansi on cards or periph erals, even diagn osin g and solvin g run- of-the- mill op erating probl e m s (full hard disk, corrupted data, dead CMOS battery, etc.). You just unscre w e d the scre w s in the back of the box, op en e d it up, fussed with a few wires and other things, and you wer e set.

Well, it was a croc k fifteen years ag o and it's still a croc k. PCs and their co m p o n e n ts are m o d ular in design -- they are ma d e of subc o m p o n e n t s (pow er supplies, hard drives, CD-ROMs, fax m o d e m s , etc.) that can't be fixed, only thro w n out and replac e d . A single chip may be all that's wr on g with a fritzed m o d e m . But chips are cheap; cheap er than lab or, any wa y. So the m o d e m card is frisbe e d onto the pile.

The m o st co m m o n user interventi on s can be group ed into four classes, acc or din g to difficulty:

Easy

Thes e are things just about any on e but a co m p l et e techn o p h o b e can do; yes, even w orriers, peopl e peopl e, and drea m e r s.

ƒ install Windo w s

ƒ install m o st applicati ons

ƒ install a ga m e port and joystick

ƒ install an external m o d e m or CD-ROM

ƒ upgrad e to the latest versi on of a progra m

ƒ switch m o n it ors

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ƒ install m o u s e and driver

Maybe

Most plugg ers, questers and skeptics shouldn't have any troubl e with these tasks.

ƒ install additional serial or parallel ports

ƒ install a scann er

ƒ install vid e o or sound drivers to Windo w s

ƒ replac e or reassign a floppy drive

ƒ snap in SIMM m e m o r y

ƒ replac e CMOS battery

Uh oh

Getting into deep er water no w. Ernest users may be able to tackle these jobs with out assistanc e.

ƒ install an internal m o d e m

ƒ install a voi c e m a i l syste m

ƒ replac e hard disk

ƒ install internal CD-ROM

ƒ replac e mi cr opr o c e s s o r

ƒ install tape drive

ƒ adding chip m e m o r y

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ƒ install fax m o d e m

ƒ set up Internet gate w a y

ƒ wire on e co m p ut er to anoth er to create a peer net w or k

Forget it

Thes e tasks are for techn o naturals only; other types need not apply.

ƒ install multi m e d i a syste m

ƒ add a sec o n d hard disk

ƒ swap m ot h er b o a r d s

A skilled technician will tell you that m o st of these tasks are the sa m e: you loo k at the ma nual, co m p ar e the factory settings with everything else you have in your syste m , and ma k e chang e s wh er e there are conflicts. But unless you do this sort of thing a lot, you will never feel at ho m e with it. The docu m e n tati on is al m o st, but not quite standard. The sche m ati c dra win g may predate the way the latest versi on of the periph eral loo k s. Jumpers, dips witch es, IRQs, interrupts, COM ports -- it's en ou g h to drive all but the techn o natural to stron g drink.

The m o st a typical barely co m p et e nt user can do to keep a PC alive is to vacuu m it out every coupl e of m o nths, get rid of the sweaters it is knitting for you inside, massa g e the m e m o r y chips, to ma k e sure they are seated deep in their soc k ets, and tighten the various cabl es and conn e cti on s. That's not mu c h. It re min d s m e of the reas on elevat or ma k ers install du m m y buttons in auto m atic

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elevat ors: it's so users feel that, if anything go es wr on g , at least they can push thos e buttons. It's something, an anxiety di minish er. And yet I have read 50 0- pag e do- it-yourself ma nuals that do a go o d job of helping you understand what is amiss inside, but wh o s e actual fix- it wisd o m could be reduc e d to "Watch out for dust and chec k your conn e cti on s."

I have o w n e d or had sole use of ten or elev e n PCs in my life, and have tried to fix or alter all of the m. Lookin g back, I shak e my head and w o n d er what I was thinking. Simple installation jobs that w oul d have cost $30 in lab or at the store ball o o n e d until I was shelling out $ 1 0 0 or $ 1 5 0 to my repair cre w to und o what I had und on e.

It's so easy to ma k e things mu c h w ors e. You can inadv ertently exp os e a laser printer dru m to bright light and ruin it. You can ungroun d an imp ortant conn e cti on. You can install on e periph eral, create a conflict with a periph eral that you already had in there, so that neither on e of the m w or ks. You can short out an expansi on card or an entire m ot h er b o a r d with static electricity you've been storing in your carpet all winter.

You may obj e ct, "But, Mike, may b e you're a nitwit." And I am, about hard war e especially. But it isn't just m e. I took an Internet e-mail poll of the doz en or so co m p ut er colu m n i sts I really respect ed, the m o st fa miliar na m e s , and I asked the m a single questi on about maintenan c e and repair. Here is the questi on and so m e of the ans w ers:

Is there an aspect of everyday PC use (installing things, configuring your system, troubleshooting problems) that you find especially frustrating? What is it?

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"Where do I begin ? Got a few hours and a handful of Prozac ? If Dante were alive today he would have to create a new circle of Hell, this one known as the Windows General Prote ction Fault where sinner s spend eternity in the 386enh section of their WIN.INI file wondering what "aperture-base=100" means." -- David Churbu ck, technology editor, Forb e s

"The PC's resour c e s (ports, DMA addre s s e s , interrupts) are so limited that product s step all over one another all the time." -- Bill Machrone, PC Magazine

"Configuration problem s are always the worst. I don't espe cially mind popping the top on a PC to get inside to stick a card in or mount a new hard drive. But I hate the IRQ/DMA-channel/memory starting addre s s/memory exclude crazine s s . There has to be a better way (and is, of cour s e : it's spelled M- a-c.) " (Jim Seymour, columni st for PC Week and PC Magazine )

See? If peopl e wh o kn o w what they're doin g don't kn o w what they are doin g, is there any hop e for you and m e?

What we are left with is Paradox #4: "The More Open the Architecture, The More You Need a Third Party Repair Tea m." But what ma k e s a go o d repair partner, and ho w go o d is go o d?

Looking for Mister Goodbus

The ma c hin e loo k e d like a putty- col or e d god wh en you first pulled it fro m its Styrofoa m chris m. And for a wh ol e two years it

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ran like a char m. Only today, wh en you bo ot e d it up and wer e greet ed with stony silenc e, did you dou bt.

That dou bt deep e n e d wh en you phon e d your retailer and got a disc on n e ct e d notic e, or sa w in the fine print that your warranty had expired, or the salesp ers o n said, "We don't servic e that ma k e any m or e. Hey, Harvey, I got a guy on line on e with a Model M7 that was w or kin g as rec ently as yesterday!"

Anyway, wh en it's time to "take it in," wh o do you take it in to?

If you bou g ht your syste m within 90 days, you can usually take it right back to the store or deal er for repair. If you bou g ht an extend e d servic e contract bey o n d 90 days, you (the First Party) can take it to the warranty repair peopl e (the Second Party). If you're co m p l et ely on your o w n , you can still take it to the Second Party, or you can do what gro w i n g nu m b er s of co m p ut er o w n er s do -- find a Third Party repair outfit. Mr. Good bus.

Finding Mr. Good bus -- on e you can really trust -- is not easy. Local co m p ut er tabl oi ds aboun d with listings of co m p ut er repair co m p a ni es, mu c h as the Yello w Pages aboun d s with auto m e c h a ni c s. (Scads of peopl e w oul d still be drifting ai ml essly throug h life had they not pick ed up a matc h b o o k at a ha m radi o swap m e et asking the techn ol o g i c a l questi on: Can You Switch Thes e COM Addresses to the Proper IRQ Interrupts and Hex Locations?) The best way to locate a go o d on e is to ask around. Get on a bulletin board (if your syste m still allo w s you to), and ask wh o peopl e have been satisfied with? Within 24 hours you'll have the equival ent of $ 1 5 , 0 0 0 w orth of focus group research, and two or three phon e nu m b er s.

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You will find that they are not all the sa m e. After 1 5 years the co m p ut er repair business is still in early adol es c e n c e , rather like auto m e c h a ni c s at the turn of the century, wh er e for m er livery m e n need e d to adapt to techn ol o g i e s as different as stea m and gas olin e. As with car m e c h a ni c s, co m p ut er m e c h a ni c s are all ov er the board in ter ms of reliability, quality of w or k, pricing, custo m e r co m m i t m e n t and business practices.

There are five for m al classes of repair entities:

ƒ the hole in the wall, for m e d by a coupl e of guys both na m e d Allen. They have Star Trek Voyag er posters on their walls, and the plac e is a m e s s of box e s and od d parts lying around. They kn o w no m or e than you, and have no way of finding out, either. They may ma k e an ecc e ntric chang e that will voi d warranties. But they are nearby and they are pretty cheap. Someti m e s they will take hours to chec k so m et hin g out and not charg e you for the time, bec aus e your probl e m has enga g e d their curiosity. Call the m The Reveng e of the Nerds.

ƒ the small professional repair company, that also does training and net w or k installations. They advertise in the local co m p ut er rag, and go by a na m e like UpComp or CompuTi m e or TechMatic. They w or k ridicul ous hours, survive on Cheetohs, bite their tongu es wh en hearing users descri b e their usage patterns. They wish they had m or e big corp orate custo m e r s, but they are stuck with you instead.

ƒ the authorized regional repair office for a maj or retailer. This is wh er e the corp orate custo m e r s floc k to. Thes e folks have a go o d thing goin g with their big bucks strategic ally, but you w oul dn't

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kn o w it. Service is imp ers o n al, prices high, and things hardly ever fall under warranty.

ƒ the back room of a store. Over w or k e d and underpaid, with incredi bl e turnov er, these folks are an inexpensi v e solution to the probl e m of m er c h a n dis e rushed to mark et and ma nuals rushed into print even faster. Can you say Heavy Turnov er?

ƒ a mail order shop; you pack up your syste m and ship it to the m. They are often located next to a large swa m p . After a m o nth you just hop e you see your stuff again; if it is even half way fixed, that is gravy.

Watching a co m p ut er repair pers on is such a different experien c e fro m op enin g the box up yourself and attackin g things with an bandsa w . I sto o d behind Chuck, my repair guy, on e aftern o o n (right under the "LABOR $20/HR -- $40 IF YOU HELP" sign), and it was instructive seein g ho w he ma n ha n dl e d the chips and conn e cti on s, al m o st like a mass eur, pressing each with his thu m b s to restore clos e fit. He was at ho m e with the circuitry, to a degr e e I could only drea m of. A go o d repair partner brings that level of hands- on crafts m a ns hip to the w or k.

Chuck's shop does n' t really fix stuff. For the m o st part, co m p ut er hard war e seld o m breaks. Chips oc c a si o n ally burn out, and periph erals get fried by dry weath er and static electricity. Flopppies frazzle after a coupl e of years of hea vy grinding. Laptops gen erate lots of heat with little ventilation, causing co m p o n e n t failure. Power supplies burn out, especially if your local electricity has lots of hiccups in it. Monitors are rugg ed -- if they fail it's usually in the first m o nth, and are cov er e d by warranty; other wis e they are usually go o d for five years. Laser printers wear out very

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slo wl y; the big g er probl e m is obstructions -- paper, dust, label ja ms, and using the wr on g grad e of toner.

What Chuck's shop does do is switch stuff. They take out the offen din g or underp o w e r e d unit, and put in a healthy or m or e po w erful on e. They add stuff to your PC. In addition, m o st shops resell, br ok er, evaluate, appraise, train and consult. Perhaps consult is the m o st op erative ter m of the bunch, sinc e it gets at the real dyna m i c that exists bet w e e n first and third parties. Someti m e s peopl e want to upgrad e, but aren't sure what to do -- switch m ot h er b o a r d s, extend m e m o r y , install a speed- up card or ne w fixed disk. Mr. Good bus is supp os e d to be able to point you in the right directi on. Unlike straight retailers, he w o n't be pushing what's on sale that we e k . He'll be listening to your need s and helping untangle the possi bilities.

It is so m eti m e s said of car m e c h a ni c s that they can be the custo m e r 's best friend or w orst ene m y . It's equally true of Mr. Good bus. Repair and maintenan c e w or k is all about taking heat. Techn ol o g y is abs olutely tied to peopl e's ability to earn a livelih o o d and, in so m e cases, to function as hu ma n bein gs. People not only want the job don e right, and quick, but they want abs olute confid en c e that the ma c hin es will continue to w or k, far into the future.

Have you had this happen with your car? You have your carburet or fixed, and on the way ho m e fro m the shop, your right rear wh e el falls off. Why does the wh e el fall off? Did the fello w at the garag e loos e n the lug nuts? Is it so m e plot to keep your jalopy on the rack?

The sa m e thing happens with co m p ut ers

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Because they wer e w or kin g on your co m p ut er just bef or e you set it back up, repair partners find the m s el v e s in an awk w a r d position. An individual can buy a ne w hard disk, and within a we e k it will fail. You can replac e that hard disk and within anoth er we e k it will fail. By that time the custo m e r is bl o w i n g lava fro m the nostrils. And what can the repair pers on say. "Gee, if that isn't the darned e st thing." And so it is.

I asked Chuck if two catastroph es foll o w i n g upon the heels of on e anoth er mi g ht not sugg est op erat or error of so m e sort? "You can think it," Chuck said gravely, "but you don't dare say it." The clev er repair partner tiptoes around assigning bla m e .

Another dicey area is helping custo m e r s ma k e the fix/forg et decisi on. What does on e do with a Hewlett- Packard InkJet printer that, after six and a half years of blissful op erati on, cou g hs bl o o d and dies? The electr oni c s are shot. The nozzles are all fused. A ne w ma c hin e of the sa m e techn ol o g y type costs about $60 0 ; the repair will cost al m o st that mu c h. What does the consid erate repair pers on do?

"Whatev er ma k e s the custo m e r happy," Chuck said. "If havin g the old printer up and running again will do that, then that's what we do." If the time has co m e for a chang e, and the custo m e r agrees, then you upgrad e. If you hate the printer and you always did, it w oul d be pretty stupid to fetch it back fro m the grave.

It's a happiness thing. Someti m e s Mr. Good bus has to swall o w hard and not charg e Mr. Custo m er for w or k he did. Maybe Mr. Custo m er had Mr. Good bus waste time testing the wr on g periph eral. Maybe Mr. Good bus was chasing a probl e m do w n a

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blind alley. Maybe Mr. Good bus was displaying splendid initiative that he was not, alas, authorized to display.

Someti m e s Ms. Custo m er takes 30 days to pay her bill. Someti m e s 1 2 0 days co m e s and go es. (This see m s especially true wh en Ms. Custo m er is also Ms. Lawyer.) Ms. Custo m er is not always Ms. Perfect, and yet she is always right, just by dint of bein g Ms. Custo m er.

If you secure a go o d repair partner, cultivate hi m or her. I invited min e out for ha m b ur g ers. It was on e of thos e PC repair ma n plac es, out alon g the strip. Nothing fancy, like plates. Just you, your m o uth, and a drippy sand wi c h.

One other thing: don't ask about their kids. If they are any go o d at all, they haven't seen the m in days.

Diary of a repair

Maintaining a go o d relationship with your repair partner is essential to maintaining a se m b l a n c e of techn ol o g i c a l m e ntal health. The probl e m is that the difficulties of the techn ol o g y contrive to strain even the best relationship, as I found out wh en my hard drive died.

August 15 Dear diary, I am very please d with a purchas e I ma d e today. My old tape backup just wasn't big en ou g h for the hard drive I bou g ht last m o nth, so I sprang for a 24 0 m e g a b yt e Colorad o drive, for $29 5 -- $50 less than I paid for a drive half that size three

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years ag o! I tell you, we are living in glori ous times. I bou g ht it fro m my regular repair ma n, Chuck.

Chuck and I have kn o w n each other for about eight years. That's al m o st a century in co m p ut er time. We've don e lots of business in that time -- syste m s , co m p o n e n ts, repairs, the w or ks. This syste m is just what I need to co m p l e m e n t that ne w hard drive. I have terrific confid en c e in Chuck. He's do w n to earth, smart, and he appreciates that I need to be up and running. Sure is a go o d feeling, havin g hi m on the tea m.

August 16 Dear diary, bad ne ws. This m or nin g wh en I bo ot e d up, my ne w hard disk ma d e this grues o m e sound, like br ok e n glass bein g che w e d by a garba g e disp osal. Tw o sec o n d s later, the vid e o fluttered and failed. I kne w I was in big troubl e, and took it in to Chuck. The ne ws was w ors e than I thoug ht. My hard drive was destroy e d . The po w er supply, a hefty 25 0 watts job: dead. Worst of all, the m ot h er b o a r d itself was kn oc k e d out of co m m i s s i o n .

It was a disaster, and the thoug hts goin g throug h my head -- wip e o ut, wip e o ut, m o n e y , deadlin es, help! -- wer e very painful to m e. My PC's warranty expired m o nths bef or e -- I was vulnera bl e to a huge hit, perhaps as mu c h as $2,0 0 0 . Chuck sugg est ed we sleep on the probl e m and try to co m e up with a solution. I drov e ho m e sob erly, with out my co m p ut er.

August 17 I w o k e up this m or nin g with the realization that of cour s e the probl e m was the tape drive I had installed four days earlier. The last thing I did bef or e po w erin g do w n was back up the hard disk. Then, in the m or nin g, kab o o m .

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I called Chuck and told hi m the probl e m had to be with the tape drive -- his da m n tape drive had trashed my entire co m p ut er! Chuck resisted the idea. He sugg est ed it mi g ht be the po w er line in the hous e. I live and w or k in an old hous e, but the lights don't flicker, and we don't lose po w er often. Nothing else in the hous e was affected that night. I am beginnin g to spin scenari os in my min d in whic h I prov e bey o n d a dou bt that his tape drive wre c k e d my syste m . In my min d I am rolling these m etal ball bearings ov er and ov er.

August 21 I am goin g crazy, trying to w or k on my lousy little laptop. The screen is terrible, the key b o ar d sucks, and its 25 MHz 38 6 speed is so m et hin g fro m The Land Time Forgot . I am running DOS applicati ons, for crying out loud. I called Chuck to ask ho w the co m p ut er is co m i n g . He says he wants to lend m e a m ot h er b o a r d , to get m e by until min e is fixed. Sounds great to m e.

August 22 Chuck sold m e a ne w po w er supply and hard disk, and is lending m e a ne w 66- DX2 MHz 486 m ot h er b o a r d . But it only has 4 m e g s of m e m o r y . "You'll have to limp alon g like this for a few days," he said. "Maybe you can write an article about that." No probl e m , I said -- what do I need 1 6 m e g s of m e m o r y for? (I forg ot about QuarkXPress.) I also had Chuck replac e the killer tape drive with anoth er brand. Chuck's full bill ca m e to $67 5. And we still hadn't resol v e d the issue of wh o w oul d pay for fixing the m ot h er b o a r d .

Septemb e r 2 It's funny ho w hard it is to run a co m p ut er with only 4 m e g s of RAM. WordPerfect for DOS creeps alon g like mapl e syrup in March. There's not en ou g h m e m o r y to put two big progra m s up at onc e, using Desqvi e w . The print buffer is small, so

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printing is slo w, and you're better off not printing so m et hin g whil e running anoth er progra m . Things are taking m e long er to do.

Septemb e r 4 Chuck called. He said his shop can't figure out what happen e d to my m ot h er b o a r d , or fix it, so they're sendin g it across town to a shop that specializes in that ma k e of co m p ut er. They pro m i s e d to fix it for $ 1 5 0 in 5- 8 days.

Septemb e r 13 I called Chuck and asked what happen e d to my m ot h er b o a r d . He said he will call the authorized repair center and find out what happen e d . The leav es have started to fall in the back yard. I loo k in the mirr or and I see m -- gray.

Septemb e r 16 Chuck says the authorized repair center told hi m the m ot h er b o a r d is unfixabl e, and he's upset that they charg e d hi m $20 to tell hi m that. "I am not goin g to pay that," he fum es. I don't tell hi m that I don't care what he pays or does n't pay -- I just want my co m p ut er back, and my 1 6 m e g a b yt es.

Septemb e r 24 I called Chuck today, and told hi m I was sick of the long wait. He said he had go o d ne ws -- he shipped my m ot h er b o a r d off to the ma nufacturer, in Chicag o. They pro m i s e d to fix the m ot h er b o a r d in a we e k and get it back to m e.

"I kn o w you've been waiting, and I kn o w you're impatient," Chuck told m e. "But I'm goin g to ma k e this w orth your whil e. It w o n't cost you mu c h -- may b e $ 1 5 0 -- and I'm goin g to do so m et hin g nice for you, may b e upgrad e your m e m o r y to 20 m e g s ." I said that w oul d be great, but hurry -- I was not getting my w or k don e at my usual rate, and co m p ut er frustration was part of that.

I thoug ht I sa w a few stray sno w fla k es today.

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Octob e r 1 Unbelieva bl e -- my ne w po w er supply, replac e d five we e k s ag o -- died today! I took it into Chuck, and loo k e d at hi m o m i n o u sly whil e he replac e d the unit. At least this was on warranty.

The peopl e at the insuranc e offic e next to Chuck's shop kn o w m e by sight no w. We wa v e d .

Octob e r 4 Day 48 of the co m p ut er hostag e crisis. I was goin g to call Chuck but I chang e d my min d. I am ticked off that no on e has gotten back to m e about my m ot h er b o a r d , but I don't want to get into a fight with hi m on the phon e.

Octob e r 5 Couldn't help mys elf. I called Chuck, and we went around and around. Chuck says he is loo kin g out for m e, and I asked wh er e my m ot h er b o a r d was, then. He said he w oul d call the factory and find out and get back to m e that day.

Octob e r 7 Still waiting for w or d fro m Chuck. I kn o w thos e guys are busy, and I kn o w they're not ma kin g m o n e y on m e on this job, and I kn o w they're sick of m e calling -- but da m m it, it's been 5 2 days!

Octob e r 9 I'm calling every day no w. In a slightly sings o n g voi c e , Chuck says, "Yes, Mike, we're trying to find your m ot h er b o a r d . They told us it was in transit, then they told us it was lost, then they said they lost the BIOS chips. I'll get back to you the instant I find out. Promis e."

Octob e r 10 Chuck is taking my side no w. "Mike, I'm as fed up with this as you are. I'm goin g to write off the wh ol e probl e m as a loss and charg e it to the ma nufacturer so m e h o w . I'm not sure ho w , but I'll do it."

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In a depress e d m o n ot o n e , I replied, "Sounds great, Chuck. I'm really excited."

But I'm not. I don't care any m or e. I'm like the genie in the la mp. For 1 0 , 0 0 0 years I wanted to reward wh o e v e r freed m e. But no w I've gon e evil fro m the long wait. Whoev er pulls the cork no w is gonna die.

Octob e r 11 Chuck says my old m ot h er b o a r d was found, and is bein g shipped to the Twin Cities by truck. It will be here Monday and I can get set up again. Great.

Octob e r 14 I called and asked if my m ot h er b o a r d had arrived. It hadn't. When mi g ht it arrive, I asked. Friday, Chuck told m e.

Octob e r 21 Chuck says the m ot h er b o a r d is in. Hallelujah.

Octob e r 23 Something ca m e in, all right, but it's not my m ot h er b o a r d . The factory finally declared it was unfixabl e -- as two previ ous parties had. So they shipped the BIOS chips back. Turns out that this BIOS is obs ol et e, the co m p a n y does n't ma k e it any m or e, so it had to be pluck ed fro m my old dead m ot h er b o a r d -- henc e the 3 we e k delay.

This m or nin g I br ou g ht in the co m p ut er with the temp or ary m ot h er b o a r d in it, had Chuck put in the ne w m ot h er b o a r d , alon g with a RAM upgrad e to 1 6 m e g s . When I ca m e to pick it up in the aftern o o n , I found that no RAM upgrad e was ma d e -- Chuck didn't have the chips he'd been pro m i sin g m e for ov er a m o nth.

So -- I ble w. I sto m p e d about his offic e for several minutes, muttering, salivating, chroni clin g my frustrations getting back on-line. I was al m o st crying. Even I could sens e ho w unpleasant I was

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bein g, and I can't usually do that. I re m e m b e r using the phrases "the last straw" and "sixty- five days" several times.

Finally Chuck glo w e r e d at m e and I stoppe d pacing. "Listen," he said. "I want to ma k e sure you're up and running, with out probl e m s . When we're sure that you're OK, I'll pers on ally co m e to your hous e and install the m e m o r y ."

I didn't belie v e hi m. My confid en c e was in shreds. But I have used up my whining qu ota for the we e k , so I pack e d up the co m p ut er and drov e it ho m e .

Octob e r 27 Having my co m p ut er back and running, and able to run a zillion progra m s si multan e o u sly onc e again, has brighten e d my outlo o k consid era bly. The hate lines ov er my eyes are starting to sm o o t h out.

But I w orry. About the high cost of repairs. Who can afford a $ 1 5 0 0 repair, at the drop of a hat, and wh en it's don e not even kn o w what happen e d exactly? I never found out what caused my m ot h er b o a r d to fail. I insisted a bad tape drive so m e h o w fried the guts of my ma c hin e. To Chuck that was ridicul ous -- yet he had no better idea to offer.

"It's like with your car," he told m e. "You get so m et hin g fixed, and then, for so m e od d reas on, so m et hin g else breaks right away. Of cour s e it was the m e c h a ni c's fault, in your min d. But the m e c h a ni c kn o w s he didn't do anything that could have caused that failure. It's just a coin ci d e n c e , but it can drive you crazy.

"Same with your co m p ut er. You say the probl e m was the tape drive. Maybe so. In my min d, it could just as easily have been the ban gin g the co m p ut er took wh en you transp orted it back and forth,

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or unreliabl e po w er in your hous e. I don't think we'll ever kn o w . Finding out why is just too expensi v e."

Octob e r 30 I'm left with an uneasy sens e about what it m e a n s to o w n a co m p ut er. Unless o w n er s have a servic e contract or extend e d warranty, they are at the m er c y of unfatho m a b l e techn ol o g i c a l glitch es, ov erni g ht obs ol e s c e n c e , and a parts- and-servic e infrastructure whic h can be incredi bly inefficient.

And all we have to co m b a t this threat may be a repair ma n we think we can trust, and the limited reserv oirs of our o w n pers on al char m.

I shouldn't have gotten sore at Chuck. He was just trying to help. But circu m stan c e s gang e d up on m e, and the repair w ou n d up taking 65 days. Chuck didn't ma k e a di m e. He never charg e d m e for his time, and only charg e d m e what he paid for parts ($27 5). He pick ed up all the freight and teleph o n e costs hi ms elf.

And yet, I was rankled -- like Marlon Brando told Rod Steiger in On the Waterfront , his job was to take care of m e. To keep a sharp loo k o ut for probl e m s , and head the m off at the pass wh en possi bl e. But of course, what could Steiger do? Life was tough on the waterfront. And life is tough on the co m p ut er repair front, too.

Thoug h tested to the ma x by this ord eal, ours is a go o d relationship, and I w oul d be foolish to wa d it up and thro w it away bec aus e this on e project slipped away. I'm goin g to stick with Chuck, and I hop e he sticks with m e.

Computers co m e and go, but a repair partner wh o will put up with you whil e you put up with the m is hard to find.

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Marginal stuff, Chapter 4

DYSFUNCTIONPA R A D O X #4:

The m o r e open the architectur e, the m o r e you need a third

party repair tea m .

What you can do yourself

Add easy things. SIMMS memory strips are pretty easy to stick in. Video cards and mice are about as close to no-brainers as there are. Phones, fax machines, copiers and printers set up without much difficulty. Changing monitors is the closest thing we have today to true plug-and-play.

Examine those floppies. Floppy drives

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only last a couple of years under heavy use. Your drive may be going long before it starts to groan and skip. Flip open the metal sleeve on the 3½ " floppies you use a lot -- boot disks and such. Look on the surface that is exposed -- friction rings are a sure sign that your drive is headed south.

Massage your unit. No, this is not what it sounds like. PCs generate heat, and the constant expansion and contraction of chips can loosen them right out of their sockets. They look fine. But when you pass over them with the soft part of your thumb, pressing them in, you hear these gratifying pops as they return to the proper position.

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Static-B-Gon. A quick cure for catastrophic bursts of electricity from one's fingertips is a 50% solution of Stay-Puff fabric softener in water, sprayed daily on the carpet.

Buy your PC from your repairman. Why not? The repair choice is ultimately more important than the store or brand choice. You may pay $200 more than you would at a store -- low-volume repair shops can't match store prices. But you will have the repairman over a barrel. He sold you the machine, so he should have no excuses if he can't get it to work.

Check your cables. They do come loose from their connections. Worse, if you have been fiddling around inside,

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pins can be bent, and ribbons crimped. Printer cables outside the box tend to go bad at the connector.

Save the screws. Why?

Oh, no special reason.

What to look for in a repair team

Techno mystique. The air of mystery that some technoids like to surround themselves in. A hand-me-down from the days of the sacerdotal cyberneticist. You want as little of this as possible.

Hunger. If your team is accustomed to dealing with Fortune 500 customers, and you are a small business, they aren't likely to bend over too far backward for you.

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Find someone your own size, who understands problems at your level, and within your budget.

English-speaking. As opposed to not speaking at all. You want a repair team that knows how to listen, and what to say to put you at ease: how long it will take, how much it will cost, what you should do in the meantime.

Long-term. Anyone can fix a flat tire. What you want is someone who will be there for you whenever disaster strikes, and between disasters.

Emotionally stable. Some techies wince when coming in contact with customers. Customers whine, complain, curse, declaim. They are in dire

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straits and may say something very unkind. You want a repair team with a thick skin and a forgiving heart.

Preventive-minded. A stitch in time ...

Laptops mean special repair problems

Downtime sends a shudder through every corporate office, and can be even more perplexing to people on the road. The first time our laptop goes down, it is a shock.

The catalog of complaints about laptops and notebooks are the same you hear about desktop models -- hard disk problems, floppy disk problems, and display failures. But problems occur more frequently, and for good reasons. Usually the causes have to do with the ways people use their laptops. Laptops suffer a lot more abuse than desktop machines. They get moved around a lot, they experience extreme temperature changes, from 20 below to 110 above. Every time you open one up you stretch cables. Contacts go bad. Disk drives are touchier because, with no fan to cool the system down, there is less heat dissipation.

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As a rule, laptops are better engineered and constructed than desktop machines. But after 1,000 kicks and jostles, something inside those boxes is bound to give. Laptops are also harder to work on. Just cracking open a laptop is a challenge for first-timers. Likewise, they take longer to reassemble when you are done. Most repair people will tell you stories of the laptop they could fix, but had a dickens of a time reassembling -- psychotically small screws and lots of them, cables too short by a fraction of an inch, no room to wiggle fingers around in. And they are more expensive. Laptop parts typically cost 150% to 200% what their desktop equivalents cost.

1654 The slide rule wars heat up yet again with the unveiling of the first rectilinear, "sliding" slide rule at Comdex 1654, in Rouen. This basic device, created by one Robert Bissaker, was to be the workhorse of scientific calculating till the invention of the

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pocket calculator three hundred years later.

1623 Wilhelm Schickard, described as a polymath, is a language wizard, a true combination right/left brain renaissance man, with facility in both science and the arts. His "Calculating Clock" is the first true mechanical calculator. It incorporates Napier's logarithms onto rotating cylinders. One is commissioned by the great astronomer Johannes Kepler, but it is destroyed

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in a fire before it can be delivered.

1642 Blaise Pascal is the first computer superstar. His "Pascaline" machine, built to help his lawyer dad handle tax accounts, is the first true adding machine. Pascal is a scientific, philosophical and literary prodigy. He is also religious to the point of self-flagellation. His Pascaline is a set of interlocking cogs and wheels that adds sums when people dial the numbers they wish to add. The result is displayed in the windows. Only fifty

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Pascalines are ever made because clerks and accountants, ever the avatars of progress, fear the gadgets will eliminate their professions. Pascal dies at the young age of 39 of stomach cancer, one of the great what-if characters in world history -- what might he have achieved had he lived a normal term?

down. Inoperative, as in, "The up escalator is down."

doorstop. Any machine larger than a tape dispenser which

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is thought Scotch

floating point. A kind of notation that lets you express a number as a product of a mantissa and a base number raised to a certain power. This kind of arithmetic allows computers to work with very large and very small numbers by reducing the number of required digits. Floating point arithmetic was where the Pentium had all its problems.

flop. A measurement of floating-point calculations per second. used to compare

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computing speeds of powerful computers.

"When in doubt, use brute force.

KEN THOMPSON, co-inventor of UNIX.40

"If technology is so good for us, why

haven't we all

benefited from it? If computers are

more efficient

in running businesses, why aren't

employees paid more? Why are

computers used to constrict and

define our lives, instead of enhancing

them? Why are so many computer

systems used to tighten control and

increase surveillance rather to expand

personal freedom?

As computer technology eliminates

employment,

where are the new jobs coming from?

Why have so few efforts been made

to explain

computer technology to ordinary

people?

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Why do governments and the media

accept

as an article of faith that technological

innovation

means progress?

Why do technocrats use

incomprehensible language

to describe technology?"

IAN REINECKE4 1

"For a list of the ways technology has

failed

to improve the quality of life, press 3." 42

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Chapt e r 5

How technology is turning the office

upside downAND HOW WE CAN STAY UPRIGHT

Rising high above our desktops we glimpse the dizzying Big Picture, in which we are but hapless pawns in a grand scheme of productivity, then swoop down to the scene of our own waste

If techn ol o g y ma k e s us so produ ctive, ho w co m e we're not rich? It's a long story, that takes us far fro m our deskt ops and back into time.

Back wh en the digital co m p ut er was invented during World War II -- a clickin g, blinking mainfra m e the size of hous e -- no on e

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was thinking about user happiness or its counterpart, techn o ma d n e s s. There was a war to be w o n , cod e s to be crack e d , a w orl d to be saved.

Likewis e, wh en your co m p a n y installed its first centralized co m p utin g syste m , a Digital or IBM or Hewlett- Packard minic o m p ut er, they wer en't trying to put smiles on peopl e's faces, either. They wer e seekin g to obtain an advantag e ov er their co m p etit ors. Office auto m ati on didn't sound too pleasant, but it was a strategic route to survival.

When you yourself ma d e the crossin g fro m oc c a si o n ally acc essin g the co m p a n y co m p ut er, to havin g a deskt op PC all your o w n to play with, with your o w n little proc es s or in there, even you wer en't thinking about happiness. You focus ed on the things you could do that you couldn't do bef or e. That drea m of enhan c e d produ ctivity was your substitute happiness.

So we keep buying ne w co m p ut ers, learning ho w to use the m, and using the m, and then buying ne w on es again. It is seld o m that we stop, loo k in the mirr or, and w o n d er wh eth er happiness will ever enter the picture. And if it does n't, that's pretty sad.

Techn ol o g y at its cruelest is a mill that che w s peopl e up and spits out the bon e s. No matter ho w aug m e nt e d you are, or ho w produ ctive you get, it never see m s to be en ou g h.

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The productivity paradox

The U.S. is the m o st offic e- auto m at e d country in the w orl d. We have twic e as ma ny co m p ut ers per w or k er as Japan, the next m o st co m p ut erized nation. Techn o craziness should be sta mp e d : Made right here in the U.S.A . Statistically, we also lead the w orl d in produ ctivity. But you w oul d think, with all that aug m e ntati on goin g on, we w oul d be even m or e produ ctive. Our rate of produ ctivity gro wt h has been falling for years, and other countries have ov ertak en us there. So what's the deal?

INSERT BOX

Who has the computers?

We do. At year's end 1993, this was how the world's 173 million computers were distributed. Note the gap between #1 and #2. Note the status of Russia and China.43

#1 USA 74 million#2 Japan 12.2 #3 Germany 10.4#4 United Kingdom 9.4#5 France 7.4#6 Canada 5.2

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#7 Italy 4.4#8 Australia 3.4#9 Spain 3.1#10 Netherlands 2.1#11 S. Korea 1.7#12 Mexico 1.6#13 Taiwan 1.6#14 Sweden 1.3#15 Belgium 1.2#16 Russia 1.2#17 China 1.2#18 Brazil 1.1

Fro m 1 9 5 0 to 1 9 6 5 , our averag e business produ ctivity gre w at a sizzling 3 perc ent. Fro m 1 9 6 5 to 1 9 7 3 , the rate dropp e d to a still co m m a n d i n g 2 perc ent. Since 1 9 7 3 , it's slo w e d even m or e, to 1 perc ent.

We're still top dog w orl d w i d e , produ ctivity wis e. We lead the w orl d in gross do m e sti c produ ct, and in output per hour per ma nufacturing w or k er, with Canada, Japan, France and Germany substantially behind us. But as the rate of produ ctivity declin es, the chanc es of bein g ov ertak en, and so o n, are pretty go o d .

Here's the kick er: this dro o pin g in the rate of produ ctivity exactly parallels the bl oss o m i n g of deskt op co m p ut ers. It is a very weird parad ox, bec aus e if co m p ut ers pro m i s e anything, it's raw produ ctivity. Surely a secretary using WordPerfect is m or e produ ctive than a typist fro m the gen erati on prec e d in g hi m? Surely an engin e er running AutoCAD is piling up dra win g s and sche m ati cs far faster than her pred e c e s s or at the dra win g board?

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The parad ox can be explain ed, and onc e it is, we can breathe a bit easier about the alar min g produ ctivity statistics we keep hearing. First of all, what is this thing we call produ ctivity? Textb o o k s descri b e it with a si mpl e equation:

OUTPUT ACHIEVEDP = -------------------------------- RESOURCES USED

Or, verb o s el y: Produ ctivity equals the sum of all good s and servic e s produc ed, divided by the sum of all the capital, manpowe r, materials, machine s, land and buildings that were nece s s a r y for the production proc e s s .

Thos e are hea vy duty equations. Translated to the national level, you picture a country in whic h experts kn o w exactly what each individual's output is, as if we all have the tally ma n tally our bananas bef or e quitting time each day.

The probl e m is that we are not in the banana business. In the old days, wh en ma nufacturing and agriculture wer e the linchpins of the American ec on o m y , tallying bananas ma d e sens e. But with the rise of the servic e ec on o m y , all the m etrics have gon e to hell.

How do you m e a sur e the produ ctivity of a design er? His hourly output may be minuscule -- and yet his ne w produ ct may be what saves his co m p a n y in any given year. How do you m e a sur e a CEO's produ ctivity? What is her "produ ct"?

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Productivity has bec o m e so mu c h m or e than piec e w or k ers rolling ne w produ ct out to the truck doc k, but the m e a sur e m e n t s whic h cause us such grief take no acc ount of this. Consid er the "liability" half of the verb o s e definition abo v e . Thes e things are all lump e d in as ov er h ea d : the creativity of ma na g ers, research ers, design ers, planners. If they are doin g their jobs well, they are mu c h m or e than ov er h ea d -- they are the soul of your co m p a n y, the wellspring of custo m e r satisfacti on.

There are ma ny wh o feel that the entire con c e pt of produ ctivity is obs ol et e. It does n't matter ho w ma ny bananas you tally at day's end if the mark et has no use for bananas, or puts lo w value on the m, or your bananas taste like ca m e l cud. Value derives not fro m output (what you ma k e) but fro m intake (wheth er your custo m e r ch o o s e s to buy it).

And here we co m e to the true bounty that co m p ut ers have yield e d -- value adding. The textb o o k for mula for produ ctivity is roote d in a very outdated way of m e a suring industrial succ ess, Frederic k Taylor's principles of scientific ma na g e m e n t. It's a fine way to co m p ar e produ ctivities bet w e e n an asse m b l y plant in Burma and an asse m b l y plant in Nicaragua, wh er e nearly every w or k er is enga g e d in a routine, m e a sura bl e task.

But as so o n as co m p ut ers co m e into the picture, the old m etrics start to fall apart. The w or k er of today, in this country, is just as likely to be a kn o w l e d g e w or k er as a ma nual lab or er. The m e a sur e m e n t s whic h w or k for ma nual lab or -- piec es turned out per hour or per dollar of wa g e -- si mply don't w or k wh en applied to ma na g ers, engin e ers, design ers -- any on e wh o has been freed by co m p ut ers to think, evaluate, and deci d e.

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Think of ho w co m p ut ers have chang e d the way so ma ny functions in industry w or k. The field of acc ounting today is finally a professi on. It's gon e way bey o n d doin g the bo o k s and taxes, and is no w invol v e d in every di m e n si o n of ma na g e m e n t consulting, plus a hundred value- adding subsp e cialties. Take away Lotus 1 2 3 , Quattro Pro, and Excel, ho w e v e r , and they are a kn ot of unaug m e nt e d Bob Cratchetts again, perch e d on sto ols and scratching in ledg ers.

Pat the accountant

Let's illustrate ho w the value -- not the volu m e -- of w or k expl o d e s wh en hard war e and soft war e are applied to a si mpl e business function. Imagine your na m e is Pat, and this is your career to date:

1970 You graduate fro m the University of Minnesota with a degr e e in acc ounting. You get a job with a regi on al acc ounting firm, doin g corp orate tax w or k. Your techn ol o g y is a Burroughs adding ma c hin e. Some w h e r e on the 1 2t h flo or is an IBM mainfra m e . Your take- ho m e pay that first year, $ 1 6 , 5 0 0 . You w or k, on averag e, 50 hour we e k s, with on e we e k off. April is a hell on earth.

1985 You are a big succ ess. You are presid ent of a smaller, 40- pers on firm, running the business off a DEC VAX syste m . Of your w or kf or c e, 1 7 are professi on als, doin g tax w or k, and 23 are supp ort staff -- ma na gin g clerical ch or es, bo o k k e e p i n g , filing, billing, and mark eting. Three of the young er acc ountants are excited

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about a ne w progra m , VisiCalc, that runs on a little ma c hin e called an Apple II. They don't even upload to the mini syste m any m or e. You've got m or e vacati on time no w -- three we e k s -- but still pulling long hours. Annual salary: $ 1 1 0 , 0 0 0 .

1995 How could so mu c h have happen e d in ten years? You sold your tax firm and set up an offic e of your o w n , in an old far mh o u s e by a lake. You have two junior asso ciates that you never see -- they telec o m m u t e , and you pass w or k using a local area net w or k. You affiliate with a half doz en other small firms, in New York, Tor ont o, Buenos Aires and Singapor e. Your entire co m p a n y runs off a glo b al net w or k of PCs, using Lotus Notes and the Lotus SmartSuite of offic e applicati ons -- 1- 2- 3, Ami Pro, and Freelanc e Graphics for Windo w s . You retain an offic e ma na g er, wh o dou bl es as syste m ad ministrator for the net w or k. No secretaries, no file clerks, no bo o k k e e p e r s -- the offic e ma na g er handl es all that, using PC soft war e and other offic e auto m ati on. Both your OUTPUT

ACHIEVED and your RESOURCES USED have chang e d drastically, ma kin g hash of the old produ ctivity. You're not even doin g tax w or k any m or e, whic h you no w ad mit you hated all alon g. Your firm is a brain trust, consulting on a handful of co m p l e m e n t ary matters -- strategic planning, quality ma na g e m e n t, infor m ati on servic es, and proc es s reen gin e erin g. There's lots m or e bal on ey to talk about, and it's fun. You figure you are finally do w n to a 35-hour w or k we e k . Annual take- ho m e pay -- $ 1 8 5 , 0 0 0 . And you have a boat.

Now, that's a succ ess story, with no disc erni bl e techn o craziness. Not every banana pick er graduates to superstar consultant, but it happens. The on- paper produ ctivity of the main character in it has not chang e d significantly ov er the 25- year period.

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And yet everything that m e a n s anything has chang e d . It's the produ ctivity m etric that's no dang go o d .

It was value that raised the salary of our hypoth etical acc ountant, Pat, fro m $7.3 0 per hour in 1 9 7 0 to $96. 3 0 per hour 25 years later. A ne w produ ctivity m etric, to be co m p r e h e n si bl e , will have to so m e h o w deal with value, quality, and ne w proc es s e s for ma kin g things. If we are lucky, so m e clev er pers on so m e w h e r e is creating a better m etric even as we speak, invol vin g custo m e r s retained, days late, prop orti on of w or k needin g re- doin gs, invent ory turns, co m p l aints handl ed, etc. Manufacturing long ag o realized that produ ctivity apart fro m quality is m e a nin gl ess; it's time the rest of us foll o w e d suit.

Maybe the best way to resol v e anxieties about produ ctivity ("Are we w or kin g hard en ou g h? Can we co m p et e?") is to acc ept that this is just the way Americans are. We love to thro w ourselv e s at ma c hin ery. We end up creating so m e great nu m b er s. But we kn o w in our hearts that we do it bec aus e it is our national obs e s si o n. We w or k hard, play hard, waste lots of time at the PC doin g things that don't help "the enterprise" on e bit. Whether we are plugg ers or drea m e r s, we are a very kinetic peopl e.

The real reas on we have m or e co m p ut ers than other countries is that they suit us.

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Who knows where the productivity gains go?

In a single hour the m o d e r n offic e w or k er can churn out 50 times the paper w o r k that he or she could produ c e in an entire day 20 years ag o. And the w or k will loo k im m a c ulate, be m or e persuasiv e, and contain m or e and m or e reliabl e infor m ati on.

But by year's end m o st of us experien c e d only m o d e st produ ctivity gains. The time- savings disappears so m e h o w . What prevents us fro m maintaining our incredi bl e potential pace?

I set out to identify wh er e the time go es. I crisscr oss e d this great land, peering ov er peopl e's should ers on the job, sneakin g and sno o pin g to learn what was undercutting their output. And ca m e up with so m e very interesting categ ori es of waste. Here are just the top ten:

ƒ Compulsion. Some tasks enga g e us disprop orti on at ely to their imp ortan c e. The best exa m p l e s are the ga m e s that co m e with Windo w s . Many top business lead ers go around at night, using the old- fashi on e d SneakerNet syste m , deleting these ga m e s fro m e m pl o y e e s ' hard disks. It is not that they are great ga m e s . They aren't. But God help us, ma ny are unable to quit a sessi on of Windo w s Solitaire till we win that one ga m e . And then we want to win a sec o n d to prov e it wasn't a fluke.

ƒ Self-defense. The cyber regi ons have unfriendly skies. The casual visitor to UseNet ne ws gr o u ps on the Internet may ma k e the fatal mistak e of posting inappropriately in a key roo m , like posting an original post in alt.best- of- internet . That is a sever e no- no; the roo m is a dig est of posts no m i n ate d fro m other groups. You will get fifteen offici ous e- mail m e s sa g e s fro m co m p l et e strang ers telling

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you in the languag e of a 1 5 - year- old what an inc onsi d erate imp ers o n at or of a hu ma n bein g you are. You feel you have no opti on exc ept to reply forc efully to each, and the aftern o o n is so o n shot.

ƒ Inquiry. Your PC is an instru m e nt of learning, and you have no troubl e justifying time spent in pursuit of truth. Never min d that the truth you seek is what key co m b i n ati on s tog gl e Omnisci ent Mode in Cos m o's Cos mi c Adventure. (Hit G, for God.)

ƒ Cosmetics. In the earthy arg ot of today's co m p ut erists, pour the tea or put do w n the pot. How often we find ourselv e s at the crucial m o m e n t wh en a docu m e n t is ready to print, and we think, "Hey, I'll bet I could really pretty that prop os al up with a two- col or bor d er and a coupl e of daffodils." If we had had deskt op publishin g 50 years ag o, we w oul d still be at war.

ƒ Ecology. As natural as the ne w b i e's impuls e to defen d hi ms elf against veteran ne ws gr o u p posters is the impuls e of the grizzled net veteran to m o u nt full- scale persecuti ons of ne w b i e s. The beginn ers will call you cruel, misanthr opi c, a big m e a ni e. Tut tut, you reply, I am m er ely culling the herd.

ƒ Interior decoration. Some w h e r e in your array of screen savers, wallpap er patterns, syste m fonts and col or sche m e s , there is a co m b i n ati on that will ov er c o m e the wea k n e s s e s of your m o n it or, ease eyestrain forev er, and ena bl e you to w or k for 1 2 hours at a stretch. But first, you have to try out each of the 3.5 kajillion co m b i n ati on s.

ƒ Economy. The co m m i tt e d opti miz er is on a ceas el es s quest for shortcuts. Why settle for a three- click series of m o u s e clicks to op en

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and clos e a file, taking four full sec o n d s, wh en with a coupl e of hours of batch- file progra m m i n g , you can create a key b o ar d ma cr o that achiev e s the sa m e feat in three sec o n d s?

ƒ Ennui. Waiting two wh ol e minutes for the Mosaic trans missi o n of a .BMP graphic of asteroids striking the surfac e of Jupiter. Standing in the mi d dl e of an e m pty superstor e for twenty minutes trying to get the attention of a salesp ers o n. Listening to "Muskrat Love" whil e waiting for your call to advan c e in the tech supp ort queu e. There are m o m e n t s in every co m p ut er user's life wh en time stands still. What you w oul dn't give for a stick of gu m about then.

ƒ Idleness. You w o n d er why advertisers ask for infor m ati on about prosp e ctiv e custo m e r s on thos e inquiry cards in the back of PC Magazine. Is it likely that any on e with the authority to ma k e a buy decisi on for an entire co m p a n y is flipping languidly throug h the mark etplac e secti on of a 60 0- pag e ma g azin e? I guess it is.

ƒ Stupidity. The m ot h er of all time dev o ur ers. Doing things that add no value, and that you w oul dn't have to do if you'd used your head. Replacing vital data you wer e too busy to back up. Retyping docu m e n ts you wer e too lazy to digitize. Recreating entire projects bec aus e you didn't think any on e around you was du m b en ou g h to trip ov er the po w er cord.

And these ten points are just the tip of the iceb er g . Every m o m e n t we are not doin g what the bo o k s say, and adding value to the custo m e r , we are wasting time, and America's handh ol d on the m erry- go- round ring of glo b al co m p etitiven es s bec o m e s that mu c h m or e tenuous. Once gon e, that m o m e n t can never be recalled.

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Fortunately, opp ortunities for custo m e r satisfacti on are a di m e doz en. I m e a n, the less they are satisfied, the m or e they can be satisfied, right?

And any wa y, what are the od ds, really, that the Japanese, Germans and Singapor eans aren't go o fin g off just as mu c h as us? Instead of w orryin g about the hungry nations of the dev el o p in g w orl d ov ertakin g us, we should be sab ota gin g their servers by uploadin g copi es of Myst.

The post-job society

You're not a time- waster. You're doin g a great job. But do you have on e?

The wh ol e idea of the job -- full- time, long- ter m e m pl o y m e n t, defined wa g e s and ben efits and hours -- has been in declin e sinc e the glory days of IBM in the 60s, the high- water mark of the American standard of living. Cradle- to- grave e m pl o y m e n t no w loo k s to be a chi m er a that existed for only a coupl e of gen erati ons of hu ma n history.

Indeed, peopl e have had con v e nti o n al jobs for only a handful of deca d e s, starting so m e w h e r e in the early 1 9th century, peaking in the industrial mi d- 20th century, and exhi biting definite signs of wear and tear as we dra w near the millenniu m mark. "Jobs" wer e a side- effect of centralized techn ol o g y -- asse m b l y lines, big ma nufacturing, big go v ern m e n t, mainfra m e co m p utin g. As that techn ol o g i c a l era fades, and is replac e d by dec e ntralized net w or k e d

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techn ol o g y -- ho m e PCs, wirel ess, portability -- jobs will inevita bly fade as well. The long produ cti on run ("Head thos e Mustangs do w n to the corral!") is a thing of the past; today's ma nufacturing is increasingly custo m iz e d , calling for flexibl e lab or, not a per ma n e nt, standing w or kf or c e.

Our dads had jobs. We may or may not have jobs. Chances are, we have already given up jobs to bec o m e entrepren eurs, consultants or free- lanc ers. Or we share a job with anoth er pers on. Or we are just plain une m pl o y e d .

"A century fro m no w 44 ," Willia m Bridges wr ot e in a rec ent article in Fortune , "Americans will loo k back and mar v el that we couldn't see m or e clearly what was happenin g. They will re mark ho w fixated we wer e on this ga m e of musical jobs in whic h, m o nth after m o nth, ne w wa v e s of peopl e had to drop out. They will sy mpathize with the suffering we wer e goin g throug h but will co m m e n t that it ca m e fro m trying to play the ga m e by the old rules."

Techn ol o g y is a driving reas on for this declin e, and it w or ks on both ends. Higher produ ctivity per pers on, is ma d e possi bl e by w or d proc es s or s ov er type writers, rob ots ov er asse m b l e r s, expert syste m s ov er flesh- and- bl o o d experts. Thanks to aug m e ntati on, organizations need far few er peopl e to do mu c h m or e w or k.

On the w or k er side, PCs are tempting ma ny of the m or e enterprising of us to shuck off the chains of e m pl o y m e n t and try our luck on our o w n . In an organization we are limited by our function -- we are acc ountants, sales peopl e, store ma na g ers. On our o w n we can be whatev er we want to be, crossin g every functional line.

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The result is that we are ev ol vi n g into a nation, or at least a subclass, of consultants.

It's been gathering stea m a whil e. A New Yorker carto o n ten years ag o sho w e d a cross- secti on of an ant col o n y, and clearly label e d the players there -- the que en, the dron e, the w or k er, and carrying a little ant briefcas e, the consultant (consult- ant?).

The ima g e is ludicr ous bec aus e we expe ct ants to have po w erful feelings of co m m u n ity and o w n er s hip. If so m e rotten kid scuffs the top of an anthill with a gal os h, you can bet a dollar that the regular ants will suspend their usual functions and chip in to repair the sm o o s h e d roof.

But the consulting ant? How stron gly does he relate to the anthill? Chances are he does not even live there any m or e, but has set up private digs in an enterprise offic e suite out alon g the belt wa y.

As the techn ol o g i c a l trend against jobs continues, m or e and peopl e will get suck ed into the ranks of the alternatively e m pl o y e d -- leased e m pl o y e e s , telec o m m u t er s, free agents, executives on loan, consultants, temps, and other non- traditionals. The huge suckin g sound may be co m i n g fro m our o w n w or kpla c es -- it is the sound of hourly e m pl o y e e s bein g bl o w n throug h the corp orate rev ol vin g do ors. To put it bluntly, dep en d e nt e m pl o y e e s are bein g replac e d by indep en d e nt contract ors -- by the busl oa d. Even peopl e with jobs are m o v i n g fro m situation to situation m or e frequ ently than bef or e. Lifelong employment is a phrase seld o m heard any m or e; replacing it is the idea of the multiple care er -- peopl e stepping fro m professi on to professi on as techn ol o g i e s and mark ets e m er g e, mature, and wither rapidly away.

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This dou btless m e a n s ma ny go o d things. It m e a n s a lot of tubby corp orati ons are ad miring their svelte ne w figures in the mirr or. Thoug h we e m pl o y e e s think we are all preci ous and as unique as sno w fla k es in the eye of God, to the botto m line we are just ballast. Flex e m pl o y m e n t is a solid winn er for e m pl o y er s.

And it's terrific for hourly w or k ers with solid skills, a dec e nt co m f o rt level with techn ol o g y , and an entrepren eurial bent. They can go fro m ma kin g $20 per hour to $ 1 0 0 ov erni g ht -- en ou g h to keep the dental plan.

But what about every o n e else -- ho w do Riley, Bunker and Bundy fit into the postjo b soci ety? Their skills are mi d dlin g at best, and narro w . Their educati ons, so- so. On averag e, m o st peopl e are averag e. Twenty perc ent of today's high sch o o l students never graduate. Face it, we're just not equippe d for the go- go w orl d of consultancy. How does a free- lanc e waitpers on catch on in such a w orl d, or the indep en d e nt muffler repair ma n, or plastics extruder, or consulting nurse?

Finley's Fifth Paradox cuts with a ven g e a n c e: The technology-rich get richer, and the rest get buried . There is a bright future out there for the swift, the educa bl e , and the aggressiv e, on e- pers on co m p a ni es that can identify and expl oit profitabl e niches, with the m s el v e s and the kn o w l e d g e they have amass e d as their produ ct. That top tier can be very large -- perhaps 50 milli on Americans or m or e.

But the rest of us, unless we chang e our very natures, are likely to be sec o n d - class in every way. Indistinguisha bl e fro m our third w orl d counterparts, unwanted cog s for obs ol et e ma c hin es. That's

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the future that our politicians avoi d m e nti onin g in the biennial swe e p stak es to shape the future.

What can you to do succ e e d in the jobl ess soci ety? Assess your wea k n e s s e s. Identify your reluctanc es. Get skills and enc oura g e every o n e else to get the m, too.

The post- job e m pl o y e e will be a self- starter, a learner, so m e o n e wh o understands quality and ma k e s it the basis of the w or kin g relationship.

The post- job w or kpla c e will not op erate on the basis on eight-hour shifts. Indeed, it may not be a "plac e" at all. Work proc es s e s will be a m o v e a b l e feast, with techn ol o g y conn e ctin g disparate locati ons and time zones.

Which pro m pts the glu m m e s t assess m e n t of all: If the skills mark et is op en e d up bey o n d the con v e nti o n al limits of time and locati on, what assuranc e is there that the w or k er of the future will be American?

Our fabled superi or produ ctivity to the contrary not withstandin g, there is non e.

The augmented entrepreneur

One of the m o st cherish e d myths of pers on al co m p utin g is that, in the brav e ne w w orl d of the electr oni c cottag e, a single pers on can replac e a skyscrap erful of supp ort staff and lateral functions. Our

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hypoth etical, aug m e nt e d acc ountant Pat appeared to replac e a Big 6 acc ounting firm single- hand e dly.

With a w or d proc es s or, you can take charg e of your co m m u n i c ati on s. With a spreadsh e et, you bec o m e your o w n financ e ma na g er. With a databas e, you bec o m e your o w n invent ory chief/mark eting whiz. With deskt op publishin g, you can be your o w n ad and art depart m e nt.

Having a PC in the offic e is the best possi bl e way to ma k e yourself indep en d e nt. This is the unsp ok e n subtext of just about every bo o k , article and advertise m e n t in the co m p ut er w orl d. To heck with big balky business structures; you can do it all better, faster, cheap er with ne w, impr o v e d IBM with Sexiu m.

Well, it's not quite true. Yes, you can do and/or be all these things. But will you be any go o d at any of the m? There is an old adag e, invented back wh en cottag e industry m e a nt so m et hin g mu c h hu m b l er, that flies in the face of the ethic of the electr oni c cottag er -- Stick to your knitting.

Working in a regular offic e, the averag e pers on is a specialist. He or she may be a clai m s adjuster or a research er or a technician or a line ma na g er. He has a posted job description listing six or seven required skills, and specifying three or four job tasks. Technically (though this is m or e fro w n e d on by the day), any task falling outside the boun ds of that written job description can be ign or e d .

It's not that way wh en you are on your o w n . The electr oni c cottag er wears a kazillion hats. He or she is presid ent, pay ma ster, go- fer, plu m b e r, mark et er, co m m u n i c at or, gal/guy Friday,

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pers on n el pers on, project ma na g er, project impl e m e n t er -- the w or ks.

Sure, if you are ma kin g a lot of m o n e y , you can outsourc e a lot of these tasks -- hire a typist, ans w erin g servic e, transcrib er, tax consultant, etc. But in fact, the m or e we do ourselv e s, the m or e "in charg e" we feel we are, and the m or e of our inc o m e we get to keep. So we set out to bec o m e a on e- ma n band, playing every instru m e nt si multan e o u sly.

And run sma c k into serious issues of utilization and efficien c y. At a central offic e, ten peopl e may use a laser printer, a FAX, a deskt op publishin g progra m , spreadsh e et, w or d proc es s or, all that stuff. In a on e- pers on offic e, on e pers on alon e must ma k e all these things ec on o m i c a l.

Invite in an efficien c y consultant. He or she will loo k at all your stuff, see it as the "m e a n s to produ cti on," the ma c hin ery that creates your inc o m e , and then ask you to descri b e ho w mu c h each on e is used. Does your copi er copy 50 0 pag es a day? Does your FAX send/trans mit 1 0 0 copi es a day? How ma ny shifts does your "factory" w or k? If a tool costs $2,5 0 0 and that is depreciated in three years, ho w mu c h revenu e does it gen erate in that time? At what point does your produ cti on start to pay for all these toys?

Finally, there is the matter of the obs ol e s c e n c e curve in techn ol o g y . If you buy a piec e of equip m e nt or a soft war e progra m , you had better put it to w or k that very day and start rec oupin g your expens es, bec aus e time flies on the techn o planet -- on e m or nin g you will wa k e up and that progra m you never learned will be passè.

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Botto m line: You can't afford to let all this expensi v e equip m e nt sit idle.

Most of us don't w orry about these issues. We figure, what the heck, we have $2,0 0 0 burning a hole in our chec k b o o k -- why not splurge and buy a pag e scann er? The fact that clients may require us to scan a total of twenty pag es per year does not daunt us. The capability , we tell ourselv e s -- we have the capability . We have our bas es cov er e d . It is a co m p etitive ed g e: dog g o n e it, we w o n't lose business bec aus e we didn't have a pag e scann er.

The thesis here is that effective self- ma na g e m e n t requires that the indep en d e nt contract or ma k e so m e very hard and very serious decisi on s about what he/she is go o d at, and should stick with, and what he/she is lousy at, and should get so m e o n e else to do.

The issue of kn o w l e d g e and hu ma n limitations crops up. If we have a hard disk with 20 full- size progra m s like WordPerfect, PowerPoint, CorelDraw, etc. on it, that is a lot to learn, and a lot to re m e m b e r .

Most of us achiev e, in short ord er, a level of intuitive fa miliarity with our w or d proc es s or, spreadsh e et, and perhaps our business databas e. Thes e are the top- tier, use- e m- every day progra m s . The sec o n d tier, ho w e v e r , is harder to re m e m b e r , bec aus e we do not use these progra m s as often -- deskt op publishin g, m o n e y ma na g e m e n t, time billing, graphics. Then we have a third tier that, bec aus e we never get bey o n d the dab blin g stage, we never quite learn, and thus never can capitalize on.

It's that third tier that kills us. To put it si mply, we can't do everything, and if we can't do everything, we can't afford

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everything. And even if we can afford everything, it still ma k e s no sens e to buy things we can't realistically use. Acquiring all this stuff, fun as it is, distracts us fro m w or k that we need to do, m o n e y that mi g ht be ma d e, and our acquiring greater mastery of thos e tools that are critical to our business missi on s.

Techn ol o g y can set us free, or it can ma k e fools of us. Don't let it define your business tasks. That's what custo m e r s are for. Stick to your knitting, or your knitting will stick to you.

What industry must do

If co m p a ni es tear up their old contract with e m pl o y e e s , and the implied pro m i s e of security, they should create a ne w contract that spells out the ne w resp onsi bilities. Either peopl e are disp osa bl e as Dixie cups or they are not. Compani es can't mutter ne w- age nostru ms about e m p o w e r m e n t and quality on e minute, and pass out pois on e d Kool- Aid the next.

Reme m b e r that with glo b alization co m e s kn o w l e d g e . The wh ol e w orl d is watchin g your corp orate beha vi or. Behave resp onsi bly as if you think it's right -- no on e will hold it against you.

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What you must do

Get skills and enc oura g e every o n e else to get the m, too. Plan on spendin g eight we e k s every year in sch o o l learning so m et hin g ne w.

Assess your weaknesses. Contract e m pl o y e e s survive by cov erin g all their bas es. This m e a n s identifying your reluctanc es and w or kin g to ov er c o m e the m. The po w er user, for exa m p l e, should bolster his peopl e skills. The w orrier should realize that the great dang er isn't a syste m crash but a career crash.

Be less generic. Pluggers, take note. You are less likely to be a replac ea bl e cog if you can boast unique skills.

Be a utility player. Guys wh o can play every infield position ride the ben c h m o st days in bas e b a ll, but they co m m a n d high salaries bec aus e they are versatile. No rule says a ma c hinist can't learn the rudi m e nts of spreadsh e et financ e, or an engin e er can't master gen eral offic e soft war e.

Be a self-starter, a learner, so m e o n e wh o understands quality and ma k e s it the basis of the w or kin g relationship. In an unsupervis e d future, the winn ers will be thos e wh o don't need supervisi on. The drea m e r wh o drea m s the right drea m can o w n the w orl d.

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Marginal material, Chapter 5

TOILPA R A D O X #5 :

The techn ol o g y - rich get richer, and the rest get buried.

Four not especially prescient remarks45

"It would appear that we have reached

the limits

of what it is possible to achieve

with computer technology,

although one should be careful

with such statements, as they tend to

sound

pretty silly in five years."

JOHN VON NEUMANN , c. 1949

"There is no reason for any individual

to have a computer in their home."

KEN OLSEN , CEO, Digital Equipment,

1977

"Inventions reached their limit long

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ago,

and I see no hope for further

development."

JULIUS FRONTINUS, 1st century A.D.

"I can see the time when every city

will have one."

AN AMERICAN MAYOR'S REACTION TO THE

NEWS

OF THE INVENTION OF THE TELEPHONE

fried. Down for the duration.

glitch. from the Yiddish glitshen, meaning to skid or slide.

glork. The sound one makes involuntarily when taken by surprise. It begins in the back of the throat, rises, pirouettes, then tumbles out the nose.

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1673 Gottfried von Leibniz is a philosopher (he coins the phrase "best of all possible worlds," meaning ours) and a mathematician on a par with Isaac Newton ( they both invent calculus, more or less simultaneously). He also creates an advanced calculating machine, "The Leibniz Wheel," that uses a cylinder of stepped teeth to do what the Pascaline can not -- subtract, multiply and divide. Leibniz's invention caps a whirlwind period in the history of computing mechanics -- perhaps the

208

greatest ever. The future may look back on their gearwheels and cranks and smirk. But hey -- they did it without Lotus 1-2-3, without AutoCAD to flesh out their drawings, and without CompuServe to solicit overnight feedback on.

1804 Jacquard's Loom. This was a weaving machine, made by Joseph Marie Jacquard (after whom "Jacquard prints" are still named) that programmed design instructions to itself. The cards containing the programs survived in concept all the

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way through to the card instructions fed to mainframe computers in the 1960s.46

1822 The Difference Engine. The first true computing machine, this idea never came to fruition. Neither did the idea that replaced it, Babbage's Analytical Engine. But they were both startlingly ambitious -- 1940s-style computing machines made along the lines of 1820s-style hard metal manufacturing, using old-fashioned gear-driven mechanics. These

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were all-purpose machines, not the single-purpose computers (code-cracking, tide-charting) developed in the 1930s and '40s. It needed an engine with the power of a steam locomotive to make it run, at least on paper. Years later, a working model of the Difference Engine was built by Swedish inventor Georg Scheutz. English mathematician Charles Babbage was a complete failure in his own life, but he goes into the books as one of the great visionaries of all time.

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"I submit to the people a small

invention

by my invention, by means of which

you alone may, without any effort,

perform all the operations of

arithmetic,

and may be relieved of the work

which often times fatigues your spirit."

BLAISE PASCAL47

"Computers make it easier to do

a lot of things,

but most of the things they make it

easier to do don't need to be done."

ANDY ROONEY48

"The old strategies still focus on the

circulation

of money rather than knowledge.

Yet it is no longer possible to reduce

joblessness simply by increasing the

number of jobs,

because the problem is no longer

merely numbers. Unemployment has

gone from quantitative

to qualitative."

ALVIN TOFFLER49

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"Once a new technology rolls over you,

if you're not part of the steamroller,

you're part of the road."

STEWART BRAND50

"A Computerworld study conducted in

the late 1980s concluded that fewer

than half of America's

top executives were using computers.

In other words, the people most

responsible

for making the ultimate decisions

about computers in most companies

were least equipped to do so."

JAMES KROHE, JR.5 1

Lest we forget

During the glory days of PCs, from 1980 to 1985, a thousand brands of desktop models, sporting a wide array of operating systems, popped onto the market.

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The proliferation of brands came to an end when the IBM Intel standard was finally adopted, and nearly everything was a 100% compatible clone. These are just some of the names that I and associates on Usenet were able to come up with. Can you think of any that are missing?

Acorn Altair MITSAltosAmig aAmstra d Apple Apple LisaApricot Archi m e d e s Atari Ato mAvionBBC MicroBillings 1 0 4California Co m p ut e r Syst e m s Can o n CatCanta b AceCasu Sup er CChalle n g e r OSICole c o Ada mColu m b i aCo m m o d o r e Pet

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Co m m o d o r e Vic 2 0Co m m o d o r e 64 , 1 2 8Co m p u c o l o r Co m p u p r o S1 0 0 Co m p ut hink MiniMaxCOSMAC ELF, Sup erElf, VIPCro m e m c o S1 0 0 DariusDEC Rainb o wDECmat eDelta GoldDigital DEC PDP-8Digital GroupDrag o n 3 2 an d 64Eagl eElectr o nEnterpris e ElanEver exExidy Sorc e r e rFastMicro FastDat a Franklin Ace Futur e Te c h n o l o g y Syst e m s Gimix SS-5 0 syst e m s Grundy Ne w b r ai n Heath kit Hewl ett- Pac k a r d HP PCsHH Tig erHyperio nHyund ai IMSAI Intec ol o rInterSyst e m sIntert e c Sup er b r ainIthac a AudioJupiter Wav e m a t eKayproKentucky Frie d Co m p ut e rKIM 1 Micro Works SS-5 0 Microtan

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Minds etMorro w Desig n s Think e r Toy sMorro w Decisi o n ,MSI Syst e m s 6 8 0 0 Nan o c o m pNetro ni c s North StarNorth g at e North st ar Horizo nOhio Scie ntific Olym p u sOric Oric Atm o sOsb o r n e 1Otron a Attach éPan a s o n i c Exe cutiv e Partn e rPe a c h IPer c o m PERQ PolyMorphic Syst e m s Poly 8 8Pro c e s s o r Te c h n o l o g i e s SOLRCA Res e a r c h Nimb u sRock w e ll AIMSe e q u a Cha m e l e o nSharp MZ an d PC Sinclair Spe ctru m Sm o k e Sign al Broa d c a s tin g Sony MSX Sord M5 South West e r n Te c h ni c al Pro du ct sSperry PCSph er e 6 8 0 0Tan d o n Tan g e rin e TANO Outpo st IITatun g Tatun g Einst einTe c h ni c o 9 9 0 0Te c m a r

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Tel e vi d e oTex a s Instru m e n t s TI Pro, TI-9 9To s hi b a MSX TRS-8 0 UK101 Softy 1 , Softy2Victor Sirius 1 (seri o u sly!)Wan g Wys eXerox Model 3 0 0 0Ya m a h a MSX Zenith

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Chapt e r 6

Technology without bankruptcyTHE CHALLENGE OF AFFORDABLE COMPUTING

In which is explored the nettlesome problem of machines costing money, and the pain that comes of running out of same, plus thoughts on using technology in one's investments, and why that is a poor idea

We talk a lot about produ ctivity as the end- all driver behind our w or k techn ol o g i e s , but let's not kid ourselv e s. The real driver is m o n e y , profits, mat erial advantag e. We all want m or e, and co m p ut ers loo k to ma ny of us like a go o d way to get m or e.

The probl e m is, it is by no m e a n s certain that co m p ut ers guarantee any on e mat erial succ ess. As we discusse d in Chapter 3,

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co m p ut ers have helped increas e produ ctivity, but they haven't been our ec on o m i c salvati on exactly. In botto m - line ter ms -- this is a gross gen eralization but pretty mu c h true -- they see m to cost about as mu c h as they save.

This does n't prevent peopl e fro m holdin g out great hop es for the enrichin g po w er of PCs. House Speaker Newt Gingrich dre w fire with his sugg esti on that on e way to eli mi nate welfare w oul d be to give every welfare recipient in the country a laptop co m p ut er. With a handh ol d on the infor m ati on age, po or peopl e will be able to master skills, win jobs, expl or e cyberspa c e and start enterprises of their o w n .

The idea lasted all of about 47 sec o n d s in the public min d, and was im m e d i at ely shot do w n . (Just think about the inevita bl e biddin g war bet w e e n IBM and the clon e m a k e r s to sell the go v ern m e n t 1 0 milli on $2,0 0 0 laptops.) But it illustrated a truth about the great era of techn ol o g y that even cons er vative politicians con c e d e : e m p o w e r m e n t costs m o n e y , quite a lot of it in fact, and not every o n e can afford to go step to the front of the line and get e m p o w e r e d .

American corp orati ons kn o w techn ol o g y costs m o n e y . AT&T, both a user and creator of techn ol o g y , spent $4.2 billion on infor m ati on syste m s in 1 9 9 4 . A firm with 1 0 , 0 0 0 professi on al positions must foot the bill for approxi m at ely 1 0 , 0 0 0 PCs. Even if that co m p a n y is a botto m - feed er, and buys only last year's m o d e l s fro m sec o n d - tier co m p a ni es, the annual bill per w or kstati on co m e s out about like this:

bare-bones PC $ 600 ($1800 PC over 3 years life)

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faxmodem 40 ($80 over 2 years)CD-ROM and soundcard 150 ($450 over 3 years)extra memory 200 (every year the standard rises)CompuServe, Internet 300 subscription and fees per yearnetworked printer 250 ($2500 printer shared by 5 stations to last 2 years)shared scanner 100 ($1000 scanner shared by 5 stations to last 2 years)shared copier 75 ($3000 copier shared by 20 workers to last 2 years)software 2000 (per year)telephone 2400 total costs per yearsupplies 1000 paper, toner, staples, etc.repairs 500 a guesstraining, tech support 150 manuals, videos, fee-based supportmiscellaneous stuff 250 ------Total IS investment per worker annually $7,865

This is not an outlandish esti mat e; lots of typical, nonsp e ci alized co m p a ni es spend twic e this am ou nt annually per e m pl o y e e . When you consid er the w orl d's averag e annual adult

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inc o m e is about $2,5 0 0 , you kn o w everything you need to kn o w about the gol d en age of techn ol o g y : it ain't for every o n e.

If you're the e m pl o y e e on wh o m this techn ol o g y is lavish ed, you take this upfront invest m e nt for granted. Of course you have all that stuff -- you need it to do your w or k. But for every o n e else the sheer cost of buying and maintaining offic e techn ol o g y is a back-break er.

What can you do to make technology more

affordable

Financial questionnaire

Answer True or False

_____ I pay for my own equipment and software.

_____ My employers see technology as a cost, not as

an investment.

_____ I take no tax deductions from my technology

purchases.

_____ I usually have to borrow to buy, or put

purchases on my credit card.

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_____ When I buy, cost plays an important part in

deciding what I get.

_____ Sometimes I save up until I have the cash to

buy what I need.

_____ I sometimes shop for used equipment,

liquidated models, and old versions of software, to

save money.

_____ In my business, what I do on my PC is not my

company's end-product (examples: accounting,

publishing, CAD), but a support function.

_____ I have no way to show how technology increases

my productivity or value to my organization.

_____ I would love to see, just once, how much

better I could work with top-quality equipment and

software.

If you ans w er e d TRUE to five or m or e of these questi ons, wel c o m e to the club. You are ground e d in ec on o m i c reality, and you have to be careful with your dollars. If you ans w er e d FALSE to five or m or e, con gratulations. Yours are the circu m stan c e s the rest of us aspire to.

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High tech on a low budget

Some of us are eagl es. We situate ourselv e s high in the sky, so that at the first instant of techn ol o g i c a l innovati on -- Windo w s 95, DOS 6.0, or the latest Hewlett- Packard LaserJet -- we may sw o o p do w n and have our way with it.

Being an eagl e is expensi v e.

Others of us are botto m - fishers. We troll the flo or of the pond, feeling in the murk for the junk no on e else wants, or the mark et failed to e m b r a c e . If the price is attractive, we haul in our line.

You'll find botto m fishers in a nu m b er of plac es. We are the peopl e hangin g around liquidation centers and used electr oni c equip m e nt stores, holdin g cabl e- ends up to the fluores c e nt lights, w o n d erin g if we can ho o k this old teletype ma c hin e up to our kid's Apple II+. We are the peopl e wh o buy our electr oni c s at Saturday m or nin g tag sales.

But m or e than that, we are the peopl e wh o buy obs ol et e, refurbish e d , and od d- lot m er c h a n dis e throug h mail ord er co m p a ni es like DAK (800- 32 5 - 08 0 0), Damart (800- 72 9- 90 0 0) and Surplus Software (800- 75 3- 787 7). We pro wl the pag es of Computer Shopper, loo kin g for a mail m er c h a nt that can cut anoth er $ 1 0 off an upgrad e we have been dying for.

Get on on e mailing list, so o n you're on a doz en. The main caution is, custo m e r supp ort for botto m - fishers is nil. Do not expe ct upgrad e notic es fro m ma nufacturers, ma ny of wh o m have skipped whatev er country they wer e op erating in and are no w, officially, God kn o w s wh er e. Buy a soft war e produ ct and loo k in vain for a

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warranty card or tech supp ort nu m b er. It has been disc ontinued, and that fancy stuff isn't for the likes of you. You're a botto m fisher.

But call, buy, asse m b l e , enjoy. You are on your o w n . And if it ends up in a box on your clos et flo or, so what? You got a great deal.

Let us praise the bleeding edge

Back to the eagl es. Thos e of us dw ellin g in the main part of the forest envy these creatures, flying high ov er the can opy, up in the m o u ntains, buying the ite ms they want, the day they want it, always in style. But we should be grateful to the m. Eagles pay a frightful price for fashi on. While we search for a go o d note b o o k co m p ut er in the $2,0 0 0 rang e, they are plunking do w n $4,5 0 0 for a state of the art Toshi ba, with wirel ess m o d e m .

Why do they do it? To sho w off, proba bl y. But m or e than that, they love ne w things, and the price tag does not scare the m away, as it does us.

Their willingn es s to lay out cash for ne w produ cts helps the rest of us im m e a s ura bly, even the botto m feed ers lurking at the botto m of the pond. Thes e peopl e bou g ht the Lisa, for $ 1 0 , 0 0 0 , way back in 1 9 8 4 . Not ma ny of the m bou g ht a Lisa, but en ou g h did that Apple sa w the mark et possi bilities of a PC that m et users half way.

Then this sa m e ble e di n g ed g e shelled out $2,49 5 for the first Macintosh co m p ut ers, despite terrible storag e and m e m o r y limitations. They bou g ht up the early gas plas m a laptop screens,

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whic h went on to bec o m e a significant feature in lo w er- end ma c hin es. They bou g ht the first ho m e co m p ut ers, the first CD-ROMs, the first, and very expensi v e, sound cards. They bou g ht the first 28. 8 kbps m o d e m s . They will be the first peopl e to install ISDN phon e lines, to per mit the massi v e, rapid data do w n l o a d s to ena bl e Mosaic to fly on the World Wide Web.

Without these peopl e willing to thro w their m o n e y do w n the well, non e of these trends w oul d have w or k e d their way do w n the slop e of techn ol o g y wh er e the rest of us wer e crouc hin g.

There is a not- very- nice tend en c y in our country to m o c k losers, even (especially) losers with great talent or am biti on, that fall just short of the mark. The PC w orl d see m s especially cruel this way, and I don't kn o w why. Questers and drea m e r s kn o w what I am talking about.

It ma k e s m or e sens e to cele brate the also- rans and al m o st-wer es, the entrepren eurs wh o thro w the m s el v e s at ne w ideas, and to enc oura g e entrepren eurial consu m e r s to keep spendin g their m o n e y on ne w ventures.

Computer techn ol o g y has a way of co m m o d i tizing itself very rapidly. You can nearly always buy the fastest speed of m o d e m for about $ 1 5 0 . But with out our eagl es, produ cts w oul d never get the chanc e in the mark et to depreciate so that we could afford it. The plain vanilla clon e syste m s on our desks need e d thos e first costly Lisas and the IBM ATs to create de m a n d .

Right no w, a raft of next- gen erati on techn ol o g i e s are al m o st ready to drop do w n to Main Street price levels -- voi c e proc es sin g ,

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thu m b print security, optical character rec o g niti on and digital teleph o n y.

If you want the ne w techn ol o g i e s to drift do w n to the botto m , don't ma k e fun of the peopl e testing the m up top.

Can you get rich using technology?

I don't do a lot of na m e- dropping, but I happen to have spent a year in my professi on al life with on e of the handful of peopl e in the w orl d wh o went on to bec o m e genuin e techn ol o g y multi milli on air es.

He's Paul Brainerd, found er of Aldus Techn ol o g y , ma k er of PageMaker. PageMaker, the w orl d's first deskt op publishin g progra m , was design e d in 1 9 8 4 to achiev e, at lo w cost and on an easy to use, what- you- see- is- what- you- get basis, what co m m e r c i al pag e layout syste m s wer e costing $50, 0 0 0 so do. It was a smas h sensati on, and it gave the fledglin g Macintosh co m p ut er what it had been dying for -- a "killer app," an applicati on that, onc e explain ed to peopl e, they could not live with out. PageMaker did for the Mac what Lotus 1- 2- 3 had don e for the IBM PC two years bef or e.

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Techno Billionaires

Stock holdings, year-end 199352

Bill Gates, Microsoft $7.01 billion

Paul Allen, Microsoft $2.73

David Packard, Hewlett-Packard $1.9

William Hewlett, Hewlett-Packard $1.51

Gordon Moore, Intel $1.4

Steven Ballmer, Microsoft $1.38

I'm sure Paul w oul dn't re m e m b e r m e fro m Adam, but we w or k e d tog eth er in 1 9 7 1 on the staff of the Minne s ota Daily , the sch o o l paper at the University of Minnesota in Minneap olis. I was illegally revie w i n g bo o k s for the paper under a doz en pseud o n y m s , so as to earn m or e than the allo w a b l e we e k ly salary. Paul was editor, and he had no idea of my Sybil dis o b e d i e n c e .

I was a techn o ign ora m u s, ha m m e r i n g out my life's w or k on a Hermes 30 0 0 portabl e steel type writer, but doin g my best to pass mys elf off as a reporter -- soft Fed ora, press pass in the hatband, etc. This was in the bas e m e n t of the journalis m sch o o l and I did not want peopl e to suspect I was anything but a journalist.

I re m e m b e r lovin g Fridays, wh en we w oul d put tog eth er the foll o w i n g Monday's special secti on. We rolled up our sleev e s ,

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pulled type galleys fro m a phot o c o m p o s iti o n unit. Newspap er type was a phot o that you sciss or e d and pasted into plac e on a du m m y pag e.

But Paul see m e d oblivi ou s to that require m e nt. He was tall, go o d - natured, very smart, a little quiet -- the exact opp osite of m o st editors. My m e m o r y of hi m was that he was always to be walkin g throug h the ne wsr o o m , m e a suring walls, counting electrical outlets. What sort of journalist carried a flathea d scre w d ri v er in his back poc k et at all times? He acted m or e like a building super than an editor.

But today I understand. Paul was loo kin g for ways to m o v e the ne ws pap er into the future. He was m e a suring w or k spac es, studying ho w peopl e w or k e d , wh en things happen e d and wh en things didn't. His reporters and subedit ors ran the day to day affairs of the paper. After leavin g the paper he tried his hand in straight publishin g, but he quickly bec a m e entranc e d by anoth er od d vision, creating soft war e to do pag e layouts. I don't think he kne w a single thing about co m p ut ers wh en we w or k e d tog eth er. Eleven years later, he was on his way to a fortune as on e of the silic on w orl d's first great milli on air es. The m o st rec ent Computer Industry Almanac pegs his stock holdin gs at $88 milli on. 53

Wouldn't it be great if every on e of us could carry a scre w d ri v er around in our hip poc k ets, identify un m et need s, turn the crank, and fill our hats with gol d? I proba bl y don't grasp the ec on o m i c s or physics of techn o entrepren euris m, but it see m s to m e that an all-milli on air e w orl d w oul d be a happy w orl d.

Well, that's not goin g to happen. Realistically, there are just four ways we can use PC techn ol o g y to enrich ourselv e s. We can:

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ƒ use techn ol o g y to create con v e nti o n al produ cts and servic es (entrepren euring)

ƒ use techn ol o g y to supp ort business tasks (bo o k k e e p i n g , corresp o n d e n c e , advertising, etc.)

ƒ use techn ol o g y to help us put our m o n e y to use (investing)

The first is a crapsh o ot; you could end up either rich like Paul Brainerd or like that fello w you see pickin g up cans do w n by the river. The sec o n d is a produ ctivity play (see Chapter 3). The third is a preo c c up ati on of ma ny co m p ut er users. It may includ e tracking invest m e nts using spreadsh e et or invest m e nt progra m like Quicken; do w n l o a d i n g infor m ati on about co m p a ni es fro m databas es like CompuServe and Dow Jones Infor mati on Service; buying and selling using onlin e ven d or s; sharing tips and ideas with other invest ors in onlin e foru m s; and so forth.

The probl e m is that unless you are already rich, the costs of maintaining all these invest m e nt initiatives will prevent you fro m bec o m i n g rich. Look in the back pag es of Money or Kiplinger s , or in any gen eral interest co m p utin g ma g azin e. There are soft war e produ cts to help you keep track of invest m e nts, m o n it or mark et trends, project what- if scenari os, and perfor m various feats of technical analysis. There are regularly updated disk- bas ed and CD-ROM produ cts telling you everything you want to kn o w about mutual funds, stocks on maj or exchan g e s , international currenci es, futures, penny stocks, preci ous m etals, even coll ecti bl es. There are on- line servic es that provi d e real- time price fluctuations, do w n l o a d a b l e share w ar e produ cts, and foru m s in whic h you can whil e away hours con v ersin g on each day's ticker truths.

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There is no limit to the nu m b er of things you can do to impr o v e your ability to forecast, buy, m o n it or and evaluate your invest m e nts. And each on e costs you m o n e y .

Take CompuServe. Please. It is a treasure trove of infor m ati on about stick er prices, mutual fund trends, infor m ati on about co m p a ni es and ma na g e m e n t. You can do w n l o a d soft war e fro m it. You can m e et in financial foru m s and conf er en c e s and pick experts' brains.

And you will go br ok e trying to ma k e a buck. Subscribin g to basic servic es is only $9.9 5 per m o nth. But ma ny of the extend e d servic es cost upwards of $2 2. 8 0 per hour (at 1 4. 4 baud). Databas e fees are even w ors e; I have rung up fees of $20 0 in less than an hour of hunting, only to be horrified wh en my CompuServe bill arrived at m o nth's end.

Now, if you are an invest or, you are under a sole m n oblig ati on to keep your invest m e nt expens es lo w. You will pick on e mutual fund ov er anoth er bec aus e it will charg e you $5 less per year in fees. People with milli on s invested take pains to mail in their annual fees separately, so the $ 1 0 is dedu cti bl e. Shareh ol d ers join proxy rev olts wh en expens es rise a fraction of a perc ent.

So $2 2. 8 0 per hour is an ostro b o g u l o u s am ou nt to add to the cost of investing. Have a care, w oul d- be rich peopl e -- the les s you use CompuServe, the richer you will be. At least, that has been my experien c e.

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"If you do buy a computer, don't turn it

on."

RICHARDS' 2ND LAW OF DATA SECURITY54

And CompuServe is just on e onlin e sourc e for financial infor m ati on. There's also Dow Jones, America Online, Delphi, eWORLD, GEnie, Prodigy, plus the entire Internet, with its Usenet ne ws gr o u ps, FTP address es, gop h ers and World Wide Web sites. That's a lot of ge o g r ap hy, and you are not likely to have acc ess to m or e than on e or two of the servic es. If you are on GEnie, all the infor m ati on in the w orl d about America Online is of little use to you.

Second, onlin e infor m ati on is of wid ely varying quality. The expensi v e stuff, on the big co m m e r c i al servic es, tends to be very go o d . The free stuff, availabl e on the Internet and World Wide Web, is often either inc o m p l et e, m e s sy as all get- out, or tainted:

ƒ Incomplete. Yes, you can read the current issue of The Econo mi s t by Internet gop h er. But not last we e k's issue, bec aus e the ma g azin e is only offer ed to lure you into subscri bin g. It is a sho w c a s e , not a databas e.

ƒ Messy. The w orl d's smartest peopl e m e et to discuss financial issues in Usenet foru m s. Also, the w orl d's big g est bon e h e a d s . Are you sure you can tell whic h is whic h?

ƒ Tainted. The net is not the public library. It is seld o m the kind of obj e cti v e, co m p l et e infor m ati on you set out to find. Whatever data is availabl e is availabl e bec aus e wh o e v e r put it up had so m e reas on. Think about that.

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There is a botto m line, and it is what it has always been: let the buyer be w ar e.

Getting rich by stealing

Which leav es on e other way to use your PC to enrich yourself -- throug h cri m e. Where yesterday's m o n e y was coins and bills, today's m o n e y is nearly ima ginary. Credit cards, ATMs, wire transfers and bankin g by phon e have co m b i n e d to ma k e financ e a techn ol o g i c a l subsp e cialty.

Every year, billions of dollars are m o v e d fro m wh er e they bel on g to wh er e they shouldn't be, by clev er peopl e wh o have levera g e d techn ol o g y to get rich the really quick way.

There have been cases of peopl e taking as mu c h as $35 0 , 0 0 0 fro m a single auto m at e d teller ma c hin e in a single day. The big invest m e nt hous e scandals of the 1 9 8 0 s , invol vin g Marty Siegel, Dennis Levine, and Ivan Boesky, wer e co m p ut er cri m e s , invol vin g illegal acc ess to electr oni c docu m e n ts, violati on of infor m ati on "fire walls," and surreptitious m o v i n g of funds.

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"Money has moved from the tactile

to one of the most

abstract realms we inhabit,

which is mathematics."

JOEL KURTZMAN55

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No on e can put a nu m b er on the am ou nt that e m b e zzl ers within co m p a ni es slide fro m Colu mn A to Colu mn B every year, bec aus e the peopl e co m m i tting these cri m e s are usually the peopl e in charg e of preventing such cri m e s . Since the m o n e y exists in only a virtual way, as electr ons in the wiring and pixels on the screen, peopl e do not get as upset. 56

Although every maj or polic e forc e no w has a white collar cri m e task forc e, there isn't a great deal of political pressure to crack do w n on this class of cri minal. It is neither viol ent nor public. Yet it is on e of the pri mary causes of inflation and high er insuranc e rates (and federal bail out dollars), whic h should be a con c er n of all of ours.

What you can do

Rely only on yourself. You have been alive long en ou g h to kn o w that on e reas on the w orl d exists is to put daylight bet w e e n you and your m o n e y . Spending m o n e y to ma k e m o n e y should be kept to a mini m u m .

Know yourself. Techn o enthusiasts can be their o w n w orst ene m i e s . Just as you have attitudes about techn ol o g y (worrier, drea m e r , plugg er, etc.), you have attitudes about m o n e y . Only you kn o w what rationalizations you are likely to ma k e, whic h corn ers you are likely to cut, and whic h you are likely to paint yourself into.

Buy systems by their annual operating costs, not just their stick er price. A kn oc k- off clon e is no bargain if its co m p o n e n ts are the cheap est on the planet and need frequ ent replacing. A syste m

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that is do w n as often as it is up is not mu c h of a syste m at all. Read the annual reliability reports in PC Magazine .

Set up a savings plan with a m o n e y mark et mutual fund, auto m atically setting aside $ 1 0 0 a m o nth. This way you always have so m e m o n e y set aside -- for purchas es, upgrad es or repairs.

Be a bottom fisher. For gen eric require m e nts, buy lo w. (Pay high for missi on- critical tools, or for tools unique to your business or w or k.) Shop liquidation centers. Discount catal o g s. Swap m e ets. Check out BBS roo m s wh er e peopl e are unloadin g or trading old er equip m e nt.

Borrow wisely. It may be better to borr o w m o n e y today to buy techn ol o g y than to wait, bec aus e whil e you save you will be losing ground to your co m p etiti on. But be careful that you are not buying out of impuls e, an easy thing to do. Never borr o w bec aus e you want so m et hin g. Drea m ers are asked to read that senten c e until it sinks in. Only buy on credit wh en the thing you are purchasin g will pay for itself. Know your repay m e nt habits. If you stretch pay m e nts out too far, the cost rises exp on e ntially.

Look for credit freebies. Superstores and direct m er c h a n dis ers often feature interest- free period s. Don't buy fro m this sourc e in ord er to take advantag e of this credit. And by all m e a n s pay the entire balanc e off bef or e the m et er starts ticking again -- financ e co m p a ni es m or e than co m p e n s at e for their free- interest period s with sky- high interest period s later. But if you have already deci d e d to buy fro m a superstor e, loo k into their credit "sales."

Create redundant systems. If you have the m o n e y , consid er setting up the equival ent of a backup syste m . If you run a Pentium,

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hold onto last year's 486. Set it up so that the tape drive in the ne w co m p ut er can slide into the old on e at a m o m e n t's notic e. Buy identical key b o ar d s for both ma c hin es, so that your hands don't have to learn a ne w languag e wh en on e syste m go es do w n .

Buy according to your needs . When buying a syste m or m aj or co m p o n e n t, you can buy fro m a local retail stor e, a mail order stor e, a compute r manufactur e r . Each approa c h gen erally offers sev eral advanta g e s:

ƒ Local store. Unless you are a co m p ut er whiz, buying a co m p ut er can be an inti mi d ating experi e n c e . Knowing a go o d local store to go to, wh er e the sales peopl e hav e a reputati on for "taking care of their custo m e r s," can m a k e a tough de cisi o n a lot easi er. With a local store, you hav e a living, breathing sales m a n to deal with. You can haggl e ab out a syste m's price. If so m e t h i n g go e s wr o n g, later, you don't hav e to bundl e up your co m p ut er in its original cas e, and pay the shipping to so m e repair dep ot hundre d s of mil es away, and face bein g co m p ut erl e ss for w e e k s at a tim e. Best of all, retail stores offer instant gratificati o n. Get in your car, drive to the m all, plunk do w n your cash, cart your m a c h i n e ho m e , and bo ot it up -- all in on e day.

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Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9) Its celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.57

Hiring and training a thousand peopl e in a doze n differe nt m ark ets, on the oth er hand, is a night m ar e. Employ e e s nee d guidan c e , and they shoul d be e m p o w e r e d -- they seld o m are. Note the une m p o w e r e d expressi o n s on the faces of e m pl o y e e s at certain local offic e supply stores. Placing stores in ev ery large city

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m e a n s your retail chain has mu c h high er ov er h e a d than a on e- locati o n m ail hous e. Som e o n e pays for that ov er h e a d -- you. Thoug h so m e superstor e s are starting to offer syste m bargains co m p e titi v e with m ail ord er prices, retail syste m s gen erally cost 1 0 % - 25 % m o r e than syste m s bou g ht by m ail.

ƒ Mail order . The bigg e st attracti o ns of m ail ord er stores are price and vari ety. For years, m ail ord er outfits hav e thrive d by offering adv e ntur ous buyers a virtual depart m e n t store of hard w ar e and soft w ar e produ cts, at de ep disc ou nts, often bypassing state sales taxation. Modern m ail ord er stores do a pretty go o d job of training their sales peopl e to kno w their produ ct lines, so they can ans w e r your questi o ns. Many peopl e are afraid of m ail ord er, thoug h. Thos e peopl e on the oth er end of the phon e are strang ers in a strang e state. You can't "kick the tires" or "test drive" a syste m by m ail.

Of cours e, you hav e to wait for the m ail. It is not unusual to hav e to wait 7- 1 0 days to hav e a syste m deliv er e d by truck. And, shipping costs can eat away at the m o n e y you sav e d upfront.

ƒ Facto r y. The big advanta g e s of buying dire ct fro m the m a nufa cturer are price and confi gura bility. If you buy a Zeos co m p ut er by phon e, you can hav e it equipp e d exactly the way you want it. They sell thousands of m a c h i n e s ev ery m o nt h, so they hav e the best inve nt ori e s -- no ringers, no bait- and- switc h, no scratch-and- dents. If you must buy a "le m o n " co m p ut er, buy it

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fro m the factory. They will be eag er and abl e to m a k e you happy again -- m o st stores w o n't. If you hav e a probl e m , you kno w that the co m p a n y will kno w exactly ho w to solv e it; store techni c al support, by contrast, is spread too thin across too m a ny produ ct lines. And m o st m a nufa cturers no w offer local servi c e contra cts, so you can hav e your syste m fixed with out having to ship it off to wh o - kno w s- wh er e for wh o - kno w s- ho w - long.

ƒ You r repair partn e r . Ther e is on e oth er way to buy. Buy your next PC fro m the peopl e that hav e be e n repairing your current on e. Face it, with today's co m p l e x syste m s you nee d an on- call techi e partner to ke e p you up and running. Will they hav e the lo w e st price on a syste m? Proba bly not -- but they, better than anyon e, will kno w ho w to upgrad e you to ne w syste m functi on ality at half the price -- by swappin g m ot h e r b o a r d s and periph erals as your nee d s ev ol v e and as your poc k et b o o k per m its.

I hav e bou g ht my last tw o co m p ut ers fro m a repair shop. They advis e m e on buying de cisi o n s, and if anything go e s wr o n g, by God they m a k e it right, and fast -- be c a us e our relati ons hip is gear e d for the long haul, bey o n d the point of purchas e.

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Marginal notes, Chapter 6

DESTITUTIONPA R A D O X #6:

You can't afford it; you can't afford to be with o ut it.

Keyboard oddities

You don't have to open up the back of your PC to find mysteries. There are scads of them staring you right in the face every day, from your computer keyboard.

Sure, you get the gist of the regular QWERTY keys. They are mostly self-explanatory. But there are keys there that were never on regular typewriters. And there are keys you thought you understood, like # and @, that have stories behind them.

Function keys. F1, F2, F3, etc. Function keys were developed back in the mainframe era. They were developed by some unknown genius with one foot in the world of software and one in the world of hardware. He felt there were not enough regular keys to perform all the tasks required by existing software. The function keys were assignable by nature: each one could be programmed to perform a different task, like a

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macro. They were a boon to techies because they saved data re-entry time. On desktop computers, they first appeared on the Commodore VIC-20, then on the IBM PC. They were a staple of early programs like WordStar, WordPerfect and dBase2. But average everyday users never warmed to them, so when Microsoft created Windows and its mouse-driven interface they made a concerted effort not to go "Function key crazy." A full-size 103-key keyboard with function keys at the left side is one long slab of plastic. Their diminished use made it possible to put function keys atop the keyboard, rather than at the side -- an absolute necessity for laptops.

ALT , CTRL and SHIFT. Like function keys, ALT and CTRL were developed to create more keyboard options. But whereas function keys are programmable -- they can do whatever the user tells them to do -- ALT and CTRL send fixed signals to the processor. Every character you type consists of eight bits, which we will call bit 7 through bit 0, with 7 being the most significant, and 0 being the least significant. The six least significant bits (5-0) were adequate to handle the upper case letters, the numbers, and some special symbols. On a typewriter, the SHIFT key lifted the key chassis so the lower level of each key, carrying the upper case letters, struck the ribbon. On a PC the SHIFT key sets bit 6 high, turning the lower case letters into upper case, and changing the special symbols. The CTRL key forces both bits 6 and 5 low, accessing the control codes. Through this all, bit 7 has been

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low. The ALT key forces bit 7 high, so yet another set of 128 character codes becomes available.

Slashes We are familiar with the forward slash (/), also called the stroke. The forward slash (which is the most common used form for division) appeared on manual typewriters. But the first real use of them was in early computers which substituted the forward slash for the ¸ division sign. The backslash was added in the 1970s to perform mathematical computations. We use it today to indicate subdirectories.

SysRq. This is a throwback to the IBM 3270 terminals (which your PC can pretend to be, though I'll bet you it has never needed to. You hit this key when you wanted to get the mainframe's attention: System Request.

Break. This key interrupts any program running in BASIC. Again, chances are you've never needed to do this.

@ Everyone knows what this is, but no one is sure what to call it. We call it the "at-sign" because it means "at" or "costing," as in "15 bu @ 7/6 ea " It's remarkable that we haven't devised a better name for it than at-sign. I asked Internet users around the world what they call it their languages. Germans call it Klammeraffe. Norwegians have four names for it: kr°llalfa (curled alpha), grisehale (pig's tail), nabla and at-tegn (at-sign). Swedes call it kanelbulle (cinnamon bun). Danes call it snable a (trunk a). The French call it, variously, a commercial, a enroule (rolled a), and arrobas or arrobasque,

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which resembles the Chilean arroa. Russians also call it commercial a.

Other spoken names for keyboard characters:

~ tilde, twiddle

! bang , pling, shriek

# hash, pound, mesh, scratch, sharp, octothorpe, skigard (Norwegian) (also the Chinese character for communal farm)

$ cash, dollar, string

% cent, percent

^ caret, up, hat

& and, ampersand (in Danish, Anders And, the name there for Donald Duck)

| pipe

* splat, star, splotch, butthole

( ) open close, parenthesis, parens

< > brackets

{ } open and close curly

/ slash

\ slosh

. dot, point

- dit

; semi

: colon

The most intriguing key names I have come across are:

The Yu-Shiang Whole Fish, a key that appeared on early Lisp machine.

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The Cokebottle, any key you needed but wasn't on your keyboard.

1833 Ada Lovelace meets Charles Babbage. The first software programmer was the daughter of poet Lord Byron, and an assistant to Babbage -- Ada Augusta Byron, later known as the Countess of Lovelace. When Babbage died, the countess kept his ideas in the public eye. A century after her death a computer language would be named after her, Ada.

1847 The creation of Boolean logic. People count on fingers and toes,

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but machines count faster using a simpler mathematics, called binary mathematics, involving 0s and 1. Philosopher and mathematician George Boole (1815-1964) took binary mathematics a step further in 1847 when he devised a set of algebraic functions relying not on numerical but logical values. Boolean algebra plus binary math provided computers with the core language they would need to work.

1890. The punch-card machine. A

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disciple of Charles Babbage, Herman Hollerith gets short shrift in computer history, but his punch-card tabulator set into motion a flurry of crucial innovations. Developed to help tabulate census figures in 1890, the Hollerith machine sensed punched holes in cards by means of static electricity. In 1911 his Tabulating Machine Company became a cash cow division for a company that would someday be called IBM. Holleriths continued to do office tabulating work into the 1950s.

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Hanlon's Razor. "Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity." Said during times of stress.

jogging the memory -- an advance in computing in the ABC -- Atanasoff-Berry Computer, c. 1938, that enabled computers to continually be reminded of their own memory.

kludge. That which functions but only poorly.

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"I don't like money actually,

but it quiets my nerves."

JOE LOUIS58

"You only have to do a very few things

right

in your life so long as you

don't do too many things wrong."

WARREN BUFFETT59

"Save a little money each month

and at the end of the year you'll be

surprised

at how little you have."

ERNEST HASKINS60

"I never buy at the bottom,

and I always sell too soon."

NATHAN ROTHSCHILD6 1

"I have enough money to last me

the rest of my life, unless I buy

something."

JACKIE MASON

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"I went to the bank and went over my

savings.

I found out I have all the money

I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow."

HENNY YOUNGMAN

"You pay a small deposit," said the

salesperson, "and then make no more

payments for six months."

"Who told you about us?" demanded

the prospective customer.

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Chapt e r 7

Can we survive computing?DEATH AND DISEASE WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PART OF THE

DEAL

The dismaying specter of stress injuries, radiation, headaches, eye aches and spinal problems

When co m p ut ers ca m e into our lives, we ma d e several implicit contracts with the m.

On the plus side, they w oul d increas e our produ ctivity.

On the minus side, they w oul d add mis ery to our lives in the for m of increas e d am ou nts of junk mail, annoyin g ne w w or d s peopl e could use at parties and ma k e us feel stupid for not kn o w i n g , and billing mistak es that, thoug h they ruined our credit rec or ds, wer e not really anyb o d y's fault.

Some w oul d say that's not a very balanc e d contract, but wait -- things get w ors e. Many peopl e are no w saying that co m p ut ers are

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ruining, or have already ruined, their physical health. As in, shorten e d life span and deteri orated quality of life.

Here is the list of da m a g e s :

Headache, eyestrain, and worse. Staring at a m o n it or 8, 1 0 , 1 2 hours a day takes its toll. We've all experien c e d heada c h e and eyestrain. But clai m s have been ma d e that co m p ut er w or k can cause per ma n e nt da m a g e to the eyes, including my o p ia and cataracts.

Hand and wrist injuries. Computer users today suffer fro m the sa m e mala di es that typists have suffered fro m for deca d e s -- painful and nearly untreatabl e repetitive strain injuries like wrist tendinitis and carpal tunnel syndr o m e .

Spinal problems. Sitting all day in on e position, hunch e d ov er a key b o ar d, causes stiffness, and aggra vates existing con diti ons like arthritis or curvature of the spine.

Radiation-caused illnesses. Reports persist that the rays e mitted fro m your co m p ut er m o n it or can cause birth defe cts, mis carriag es and stillbirths in pregnant w o m e n and leuke m i a and other canc ers in the rest of us.

Thos e late add en d a ma k e a bad deal loo k stunningly w ors e. Even the m o st avid co m p ut er o p hil e is not eag er to lay do w n his life for his ma c hin e. Productivity increas es are no rec o m p e n s e for health probl e m s .

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The truth

But what is the truth to all these clai m s? Isn't it logical, given the nu m b er of peopl e using co m p ut ers, that they will experien c e their fair share of disability and diseas e? Which of these health probl e m s are to be taken seriously? Which on es can be prevente d, and ho w? Which on es are unprev e nta bl e , and may ma k e you rethink this wh ol e co m p ut er thing?

The go o d ne ws is that there is no sm o k i n g - gun evid en c e that co m p ut er users suffer a high er incid en c e of any kind of canc er than the non- co m p ut er- using public. Computers don't get a bill of go o d health fro m doct ors, and ma ny are calling for m or e research into co m p ut ers and canc er. But if there is a co m p ut er/canc er link, it is far fro m ob vi o u s.

The bad ne ws is that m o st everything else in the abo v e list is m or e or less true. Computers can inde e d cause eyestrain and heada c h e s, althoug h there is nothing unique to co m p ut ers here. Using co m p ut ers causes the sa m e strain that intensive readin g or writing or typing causes. A 1 9 8 5 study of ne ws pap er peopl e reveal e d that users of VDT screens had a tend en c y to bec o m e slightly cross- eyed. A Canadian study, ho w e v e r , sho w e d that the vision of co m p ut er users didn't deteri orate any faster ov er five years than the vision of non- co m p ut er users. 62

Should pregnant w o m e n avoi d co m p ut ers? A 1 9 8 8 study sho w e d that w o m e n w or kin g m or e than 20 hours a we e k at a VDT screen had a high er rate of mis carriag es. Howe v er, the research ers said that may not m e a n mu c h -- w o m e n w or kin g 20 hours a we e k

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wer e exp os e d to other factors whic h could acc ount for the blip -- deadlin es, w or kin g con diti ons, Clarenc e Tho m a s .

There is no pro of any w h er e that co m p ut ers cause har m to unb orn ba bi es.

Back problems

Bad posture, bad furniture, and long hours have co m b i n e d to put a wha m m y on thousands of offic e w or k ers. Computer- related back injury has kept a ne w gen erati on of chiropract ors in poly ester suits. Sedentary habits related to co m p utin g have also been linked to ob e sity, he m o r r h o i d s, and, indirectly, to heart diseas e and death.

Backach es are a story all by the m s el v e s . My pals in the co m p ut er repair business lift equip m e nt all the time, and thoug h they are not the type to co m p l ain, they have w orn little pain lines onto their faces. Computers are hea vy and awk w a r d, and lifting the m routinely is an op en invitation to back probl e m s .

Just sitting in front of the m is al m o st as bad. Sitting at the wr on g height, or the wr on g distanc e fro m the key b o ar d, or in the wr on g kind of chair, can lead, bit by bit and day by day, to chroni c lo w er back strain that can be phen o m e n a lly painful.

Solutions are often as probl e m a ti c as the probl e m s the m s el v e s . As an oc c a si o n al sufferer fro m back tinges, I have tried so m e of the radically redesi gn e d "bac k chairs" on the mark et, including on e that loo k s like an upholster ed swastikas. Instead of sitting con v e nti o n ally, you sort of kneel/sit in it. It does give you a nice,

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feathery balanc e wh en you w or k. But if you need to rise sudd enly to ans w er the do or b e ll, you risk tangling your feet and stum blin g.

Botto m line: no matter ho w you sit at the co m p ut er, if you sit there all the time, you're goin g to pay the price. A go o d practice, apart fro m havin g your chair, desk, etc. redesi gn e d by an aerospa c e engin e er, is to get up and do so m et hin g physical every no w and then. The hu ma n for m was not design e d for prol on g e d sitting.

Ironically, a really co m f o rta bl e chair ("I feel like I could w or k for 72 hours straight in this!") mi g ht be the w orst possi bl e chair for you.

Hands and wrists

Which brings us to hand and wrist probl e m s . Carpal tunnel syndr o m e and wrist tendinitis, two specific kinds of repetitive stress injury co m p ut er users are pron e to, are serious stuff. People wh o have it co m p l ain that their hands feel like they're asleep, wea k, stiff and sore. Others say it's like you just hit a brick wall with your fist. It can end your career.

The carpal tunnel is a passag e w a y in your wrist, surround e d by bon e and liga m e nt. Throu g h it passes a nerve. If you are a marath on typist, you put great stress on this fragile bridg e, and the tend on s there may resp on d by swelling to protect the passag e w a y , and putting the nerve in a Bulgarian headl o c k . The upsh ot of this neuropathy -- loss of feeling in the hands, decr eas e d hand strength and crippling pain.

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Go to a doct or with carpal tunnel and he/she w o n't have a pill to ma k e you better. The prescrib e d treat m e nt is a co m p ut er user's w orst night m ar e -- rest and relaxation. No key entry of any kind. Cortison e so m eti m e s helps. Some doct ors turn you ov er to a surge o n or physical therapist.

Carpal tunnel is a rec ent phen o m e n o n -- ma nual typists of the byg o n e era see m not to have had the probl e m . Some peopl e speculate this could be bec aus e the old funky Remingt on key b o ar d s wer e actually m or e erg o n o m i c in design than the "spra wlin g cons ol e " 1 0 1 - key key b o ar d s in use today. Even so, co m p ut er typists suffer the m o st fro m carpal tunnel syndr o m e -- peopl e wh o type 50 or 60 w or d s a minute, hour after hour.

Want to avoi d or slo w the effects of a lifeti m e of typing? Change the way you hold your hands wh en you type. If you are twisting your wrists to be parallel to the key b o ar d, stop. Hold your hands naturally, with your wrists as relaxed as wh en they are at your sides.

Perhaps key b o ar d design will save us fro m carpal tunnel probl e m s bef or e we are all bent and crippled. Merely substituting m o u s e s and pens for typing is not the ans w er -- ma ny peopl e clai m to feel greater tension with these devi c e s than with keys. Micros oft has rec ently led the way in creating lo w er- cost, so- called erg o n o m i c key b o ar d s. The e m p h a sis of the m is to put the wrists at a natural, arced angle, by separating the keys into two groups, and provi din g a gen er ou s "front porch" for the pal ms and wrists to rest on wh en not busy.

I have been using this key b o ar d, and I have tried several other designs, so m e of the m very ecc e ntric inde e d. Retraining your

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fingers and hands is a frustrating task, particularly if you are in the early stages of injury already, and every mistak e must be painfully correct ed.

Computer peopl e tend to spend too mu c h time in their head, at the key b o ar d. If this sudd en interest in health and co m p ut ers has a bright side, it is that we are re min d e d that we have to stand up every no w and then, step outside, and see ho w the roses are doin g.

What about voice recognition?

Four years ag o a friend wh o was con c er n e d about repetitive strain injury confid e d his strategy: switch fro m key b o ar d input to voi c e activati on. As so o n as the techn ol o g y was there, and afforda bl e, he was goin g for it.

He's still waiting. There are so m e great produ cts out there, led by Kursweil Voice, with a vo c a bulary of 60,0 0 0 w or d s. You can use your voi c e to issue basic instructions to your PC: op en applicati ons, delete files, etc.

But even Kurzweil, whic h has been doin g voi c e activati on for 20 years, and wh o s e basic voi c e produ ct retails for $ 1, 0 0 0 , is frustrating to use. Computers do not, after 50 years of dealing with it, understand English, or any other languag e. PCs si mply don't kn o w ho w the sounds you are ma kin g should loo k on the pag e.

Here's a classic exa m p l e of verbal am bi g uity that a co m p ut er can't be expe ct ed to parse:

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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

Here's anoth er: It's hard to recognize spee ch . How does your PC kn o w you're not saying It's hard to wreck a nice beach ?

Voice rec o g niti on is on e of thos e salvati on techn ol o g i e s ma ny of us have been pining for, that may never co m e riding to our rescue. When we ask for voi c e , we are asking co m p ut ers to understand the subtleties of hu ma n thoug ht and expressi on. You could have a superc o m p ut er, ho o k e d up the dens est expert syste m s databas e and m o st intuitive artificial intellig en c e logarith m there is -- and it still w oul d not be able to get in synch with our natural inclinations to jok e, circu m a m b u l at e, pun, and be vagu e.

And with out voi c e rec o g niti on, we are right back wh er e we started, with key b o ar d s and achy- breaky wrists.

Taking care of the eyes

Four years ag o, during the we e k bef or e Christmas, I bou g ht and installed a ne w VGA m o n it or, thus givin g m e my first col or co m p ut er ever. I cele brated by goin g blind.

Really. After a few days of the ne w m o n it or I dev el o p e d excruciating heada c h e s, and my vision went to heck in a hand bas k et. Thinking I was in a m e d i c al e m er g e n c y , I shelled out a coupl e hundred bucks for eye exa mi n ati on s and glasses. I

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re m e m b e r driving in a Minnesota sno w st or m on Christmas eve to get the darn things -- blinking in sync with the wip ers.

My probl e m , of course, was the m o n it or. Thoug h it wasn't defe ctiv e in any way, it was a cheap m o n it or, and my eyes wer e ov er w o r k i n g to get used to it. Eventually I adjusted the col or do w n w a r d , to the dull real m of hues m o st appropriate for a co m p ut er writer, and after a few days the heada c h e s subsid e d , and I fold e d up thos e glasses and put the m away for go o d (cross fingers).

Truth is, an all- nighter co m p utin g is as hard on the eye balls as a marath on race is on the shins. One physician has descri b e d a "c o m p ut er user syndr o m e " in whic h our eyes are constantly shifting fro m m o n it or to hardc o p y to key b o ar d, each time at a different angle and at a different depth of field. 63 The result -- Repetitive Optical Orthope di c Motion Stress, or ROOMS. Angry eyes, stiff neck, heada c h e s, the w or ks.

There are nu m er o u s exercis es you can do during the co m p utin g day to keep your eyes fro m getting ov ertired. Here are three very si mpl e on es that I do a few times a day. I find they not only relax my eyes and frontal lob e s, but that they subtly refresh m e, and ma k e m e m or e op en to ne w ideas and perspectiv es.

ƒ Rub the eyes. It see m s to cal m the little guys do w n , and you get the side ben efit of a light sho w on the backs of your eyelids.

ƒ Close the eyes. Just clos e the m, take a doz en slo w, gentle breaths. When I do this I talk to my eyes. I thank the m for doin g all my w or k for m e. This little break in the visual day is their rec ess.

ƒ Stretch the face. This is the posture or asana called The Lion in hatha yoga. You op en your m o uth as wid e as you can, arch your

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eye br o w s as high as you can, stick your tongu e out, and roll your eyes in big circles. It loo k s ridicul ous, after I do this I always feel op en- min d e d and m or e creative. 64

Painful irony

I have several friends wh o have gon e throug h wren c hin g ord eals bec aus e of co m p ut er key b o ar d s. In March, 1 9 9 4 , a federal lawsuit filed against Apple Computer and IBM by a w o m a n suffering fro m repetitive stress injuries was dis miss e d by a jury in Hastings, Minnesota. The jury's m e s sa g e : users are to bla m e for injuries they suffer, regardless of produ ct design.

To limit potential liabilities, Micros oft no w tags its Natural brand of erg o n o m i c key bards with this m e s sa g e :

DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG!

WARNINGContinuous use of a keyboard may cause Repetitive Stress Injuries or related

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injuries. See on-line Help, User's Manual, and bottom of keyboard for instructions on using the Wrist Leveler and for important information to reduce your risk of injury.

There is a prof oun d irony in an erg o n o m i c key b o ar d resorting to this sort of toba c c o - industry cautionary. Computers are so m eti m e s referred to as the instru m e nts of the post- industrial age. This is supp os e d to be a w o n d erful thing, bec aus e the industrial age is often thoug ht of as brutal, and insulting to individual intellig en c e.

In the theory of scientific ma na g e m e n t prop ou n d e d al m o st a century ag o by Frederic k Taylor, the w or k er of the m o d e r n (industrial) era could only be trusted to do a single thing, ov er and ov er. Turning that hex bolt two and a quarter turns counter-cloc k w i s e, four times a minute, 24 0 times an hour, 1 ,9 2 0 times a shift -- that was the m o st a hu ma n bein g was dee m e d capa bl e of

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doin g, even a supervis ed on e. We wer e mus cl e ma c hin es, and nothing m or e.

Along co m e pers on al co m p ut ers, and we have a ne w languag e and vision of hu ma n potential. We talk about the end of drudg ery, about ma c hin es freeing peopl e up to so the w or k of the min d.

But we input data to these w o n d erful ma c hin es the way our grandfathers shov el e d coal -- unrelentingly. We are still mus cl e ma c hin es, our hands still do the brunt of the physical w or k. Not surprisingly, the mus cl e ma c hin e breaks do w n . How weird that this tool, whic h was supp os e d to liberate us fro m the industrial age of e m pl o y e e injury, is creating a wh ol e ne w gen erati on of post-industrial cripples.

Net wisd o m : Don't count on industry to save you fro m bad posture, bad w or k habits, and a helpless- m e attitude. It's your bo d y, it's your co m p ut er, and it's your resp onsi bility.

Selecting an ergonomist

Humanity has advan c e d to such a high state in rec ent years that even the Bushm en of southern Africa must be fa miliar with the phrase "erg o n o m i c a lly correct."

But few of us really kn o w what that phrase m e a n s. There is a kn ot of actual erg o n o m i sts out there wh o kn o w , but their m e s sa g e is diluted by peopl e passing the m s el v e s off as erg o n o m i sts. You can't really tell on e fro m the other with out an autopsy.

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I had coff e e with Phil Jacobs of St. Paul, current presid ent of the local chapter of the national Human Factors & Ergon o m i c s Society, and he br ou g ht m e up to date with his wh ol e misund erst o o d professi on.

Ergon o m i c s is a calling in the whirl win d. Well ov er half the things consultants are asked to be experts on didn't even exist ten years ag o. In 1 9 8 8 , there wer e no VGA m o n it ors, no laptops, no back- poc k et PDA's; today every o n e is up in ar ms ov er col or screens, heada c h e s, w o o z in e s s, aching kidn eys, radiation output, etc. In such a fast- m o v i n g discipline, ho w mu c h con clusiv e data can erg o n o m i sts have at their fingertips? And ho w long will even that small handful of data be relevant?

"If you loo k in the Yello w Pages under Ergon o m i c s , what you will see is m o stly ven d or s for produ cts that clai m to have erg o n o m i c ben efits."

The produ cts may or not be exc ell ent; but if a co m p a n y sells a certain produ ct, chanc es are that's the produ ct they will deci d e your co m p a n y need s. And thus is born the fear of the $60 0 chair.

Some peopl e passing the m s el v e s off as erg o n o m i c consultants have no training at all in the field. What can a co m p a n y do to assure that its erg o n o m i st didn't w or k the previ ous we e k wrestling alligat ors?

First, steer clear of sales peopl e mas q u era din g as indep en d e nt consultants.

Second, loo k for cred entials. A graduate degr e e in on e of several areas is a must: industrial engin e erin g, oc cupati onal

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m e d i ci n e, safety, industrial psych ol o g y , oc cupati onal therapy or physical therapy. Avoid degr e e s in m ortuary scien c e.

Look for the cred entialing initials after the consultant's na m e on his or her business card: CHPF for Certified Human Factors Professi on al, CPE for Certified Professi on al Ergon o m i st, or CSP for Certified Safety Professi on al. x

What you can do

ƒ Read up. Infor mati on on erg on o m i c health chan g es a lot fro m year to year. Court cases are setting and reversing prec e d e nts al m o st every m o nth. Last year's great produ cts don't always loo k so go o d a year later.

ƒ Take responsibility yourself. Sad to say, you are the only pers on wh o really cares about your bo d y. Compani es still aren't awak e to the possi bility that their e m pl o y e e s are goin g to sue the m so m e d a y . Don't wait for the m to loo k out for your well- bein g.

ƒ Know your type. Different kinds of users suffer fro m different ail m e nts, or the ail m e nts results fro m different usage patterns. Technophile s suffer the m o st bec aus e they voluntarily put in m or e hours at cons ol e . Technopho b e s get heada c h e s out of sheer frustration. Worrier s so m eti m e s hold their m o u s e wr on g , or their hands wr on g -- they need to re min d the m s el v e s to relax this tension. (How about creating a Windo w s mar qu e e saying "RELAX" or "COOL BREEZE"?) People per s on s get "ph on e rec ei v er ear" fro m

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too mu c h time on the phon e. Whatever you are affects the way you use your ma c hin es.

ƒ Sta r t with the righ t height chair. Then adjust the rest of the offic e -- key b o ar d, desk, m o n it or -- to you. You should be able to put your feet on the flo or, with your knees pointing slightly up. With chairs, big is not always best, and the chair need n't be adjustabl e. It should let you put your wrists at key b o ar d level, with your forear m at a right angle to your upper ar m. The chair should supp ort your lo w er back. Tip for shorter people: Raise the chair to put the wrists at keyboa rd level. Then use a foot rest to ancho r the feet.

ƒ A clear, stable, readable image. You need a g o o d quality m o n it or. Ask for on e with a lo w "dot pitch" of .26 or less. The lo w er the dot pitch, the tighter the ima g e -- the eye has to do less w or k ima ginin g what the ima g e is trying to be. Only you can deci d e what's best for your eyes -- see the m o n it or in action bef or e you buy. For better contrast and resoluti on, faster resp ons e, and smaller footprint. Consid er gray- scale ov er col or VGA. Bright col or is harder on the eyes than subdu ed col or -- ma k e sure the m o n it or dials allo w s lots of adjustability.

ƒ Don't sit too close. Sit as far fro m the m o n it or as you can and still w or k co m f o rta bly. Some business es e m b e d m o n it ors in counters, so users must loo k do w n -- this can be hard on ma ny peopl e's spines.

ƒ Take breaks. Use your syste m clo c k alar m to signal 30 minute key b o ar d breaks. Get up, stretch out, walk around, blink. It does n't see m produ ctive, short ter m; long- ter m, it's a co m p a n y- saver.

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ƒ What a trip. One of the big g e st causes of on- the- job injury is peopl e tripping on po w er cords. Get the m out of the way.

ƒ What abou t radiat ion ? While users are con c ern e d about screen e missi o n s, the jury is still out on wh eth er they do har m. If radiation con c er ns you, investigate TCO m o n it ors like thos e fro m Nanao, costing $ 1 6 0 0 - $20 0 0 , or less costly radiation filters that can be fit onto your current m o n it or.

ƒ Know where the radiation is coming from. Most radiation exits fro m the back of your m o n it or. Back- to- back PCs increas e radiation risk.

ƒ Keep a sponge handy. Computer screens attract dust ma g n etically. Wipe your screen every few days, bef or e the ima g e starts to oc clud e.

ƒ A well- lit room. Glare fro m roo m light and sunlight can be annoyin g and exhausting. Glare filters are availabl e for $30 or less, but they can also cut ima g e clarity. Lighting should co m e fro m the sides or abo v e , not fro m in front or behind. Use wind o w shad es. Several soft light sourc es beat a single bright bea m . If your light sourc e is fixed in on e plac e, m o v e your desk and ma c hin e to get the best angle.

ƒ Use a compu te r desk. The big g e st mistak e peopl e ma k e is putting PC and key b o ar d atop a regular desk, forcin g the user's hands and eyes high er than they should be. The goal is a desk that keeps your wrists lo w and your m o n it or at eye level. Thos e fiber b o ar d desk kits for sale at offic e supply stores loo k gross, and lack the dra w er spac e of a go o d old fashi on e d desk -- but they are usually a bit lo w er, and better suited to co m p ut er w or k.

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ƒ Keep wris t s relaxed and straig h t. To prev ent stress injury, keep your wrists straight. Check out the inexpensi v e ($1 0 and up) wrist rests and wrist supp orts. But don't press against the m -- pressing against a rest will exac er bat e stress.

ƒ Keyboa r d s should permi t relaxed typing. Piano teach ers tell us ho w to hold our hands -- but no on e tells us ho w to type safely. Choos e a key b o ar d that puts the hands in a natural position and does not require jabbin g or squeezin g.

ƒ Let the mouse roa m free. Mouse design is less imp ortant than roo m to roa m . Give your m o u s e lots of rolling spac e, so you are not bu m pin g up against things. Keep it besid e the key b o ar d, not abo v e it.

ƒ Use a good chair. It do esn't have to be a $6 0 0 chair. You can fashi on chairs, desks, typing stands, footrests and tables out of mat erials salvag e d fro m e m pty lots and du mp sters. It ain't pretty, but it w o n't hurt you, either. A go o d chair should prevent pain, not cause it. It does n't have to be adjustabl e, if its natural angle is right for you, and you are the only pers on wh o will sit in it.

ƒ Do other things. I must exercis e my hands, bac k and eyes at least every half- hour. Your hands especially love to w or k, provi d e d the w or k is varied. Home co m p ut er users are at an advantag e here. They can break to do so m e gard enin g, knead bread, whatev er you enjoy. I have always wanted to try Hll of Fame pitcher Steve Carlton's Zen routine: plungin g you hands in tall buck ets full of rice, and flexing the m with the rice pressing around the m. There's even spac e for the buck ets besid e my desk.

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ƒ Maintain good habits. Reme m b e r the basic posture: feet flat on the flo or, knees slightly up, back supp orted, elb o w s at right angles and wrists straight. Give yourself frequ ent breaks to get up and walk around. Keep m o v i n g , stretchin g, thoug h the w or k day to alleviate tension and impr o v e circulation. Exercise can help protect the m o st imp ortant apparatus equip m e nt in your offic e -- your bo d y.

ƒ Get help. As so on as you feel an ache, see your doct or. Ergon o m i c injuries are mu c h easier to avoi d or halt than they are to revers e.

Marginal material, Chapter 7

PAINPA R A D O X #7:

That which do es not destr oy you can still cause major

pro bl e m s .

How to lift your computer

One of my first clients was a chiropractor of

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some renown, who told me that a chalky blur on my back X-rays was the result of drinking too much cream soda. But he also taught me how to lift things. Here is the gist of his advice, as applied to the problem of lifting a computer to take it to the repair shop:

Carry the computer in an embrace. That is to say, do not hold the computer out at arm's length. This puts tremendous strain on your sacroiliac. Nor should you bend over backward to accommodate its weight. This is impossible, and attempting it risks permanent musculoskeletal injury.

The correct way to lift a computer is to stoop down, bending at the knees -- let those legs do as much of the lifting

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work as possible -- and hoisting the computer up to your chest. Pretend you love it -- which may be difficult at this point. Hug it close to your chest, to optimize your center of gravity, and to take the weight off your spine.

This embrace-lift is not easy, especially if you are angry at your computer for needing to be transported in the first place.

Other tips:

Unplug the computer manually. Trying to unplug it after you have lifted it is madness.

Plan ahead. Think about doors and what they might mean to your forward progress.

Get dressed first. Taking the computer out to your

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car naked risks social embarrassment, and the weight of a heavy CPU can leave a nasty and lasting impression on your skin.

1843. The fax machine dates back to this year, during the era of telegraphy, before telephones. In that year Alexander Bain was granted a British patent for facsimile transmission. In 1865 the first commercial fax transmission service was established in Paris.

1904 Invention of the vacuum tube. May not sound like much, but the

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humble vacuum tube, patented in 1904 by Lee De Forest, changed everything. The provided a stable, reliable way for computers to count. It was a primitive digital device: a tube was either off or it was on, 0 or 1. Thus the little bulb could replace the more fragile mechanical switch. The first true computers would rely heavily on thousands of blinking tubes. The tube would eventually give way to the transistor, and the transistor to today's microchip.

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1945 The PC is first envisioned. "It consists of a desk, and while it can presumably be operated from a distance, it is primarily the piece of furniture at which the user works. On the top are slanting translucent screens, on which material can be projected for convenient reading. There is a keyboard, and sets of buttons and levers. Otherwise it looks like an ordinary desk." (Vannevar Bush, describing what a personal computer might be like one day, in the 1945 issue of Atlantic)

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1959 The first integrated circuits, invented independently by Jack Kilby and Robert Noyce to replace vacuum tubes, had only a couple of switches or transistors on them. By 1970 memory chips boasted 1,000 miniature transistors. By 1980, new chips contained as many as 64,000 transistors.65 By 1995, semiconductor companies were making chips with 25 million transistors packed into a half-inch chip. Throughout this period, however, the price for a memory chip

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-- about $10 -- remained constant.

loop. When a product endlessly repeats a requested task, and you have to turn the system off to make it stop.

mantissa. The fractional part of a number expressed in floating-point notation.

nano. The Greek root for dwarf; a prefix meaning one-billionth of something.

plug and play. A state arrived at when your computer

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configures itself to whatever you want to make it work with. Also, chimera, mirage.

Visual Working Conditions Are Changing Rapidly66

TIME ECONOMIC EVOLUTION VIEWING DISTANCE AT WORK

pre 1600s Hunter-Gatherer Far1600-1800s Farmer Far1900s Laborer Varied1960s Clerk Near1980s-1990s Information Worker Near

Fourteen clinical truths about Repetitive

Stress Injuries67

1 RSI is not just one thing.

2 You don't need to have much repetition to induce it.

3 If you smoke, you always get it worse.

4 If anti-inflammatory medications work, you didn't have a bad case.

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5 All the ergonomic workstation modifications in the world won't make a

significant difference if you don't correct your posture and start taking care

of yourself.

6 If you're under stress, you'll do worse.

7 If you've had it for more than three months and are told it's "just

tendinitis," you can be sure it's not tendinitis.

8 If you're seeing an M.D. who says he or she doesn't know what you

have, you've found an honest physician.

9 Splints are fine only if they work.

10 Ice is fine only if it works.

11 Heat is fine as long as you apply it to muscles in spasm.

12 If you're sick of taking pills of one sort or another and they don't work,

you're not alone.

13 Addressing just the painful part in therapy and not the entire neck to

fingertips is substandard treatment.

14 Insurance companies are uniformly ignorant, or obstructionist, or both,

when it comes to treating these problems.

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Chapt e r 8

Can the earth can survive computing?

ECO-SCHEMES FOR USERS WORRIED ABOUT THE WORLD

In which the rhetorical question is asked, What doth it profit a user of technology to gain access to the whole world, if that world is going to hell in a handbasket

One of the m or e co m f o rtin g nostru ms of the pers on al co m p ut er w orl d is that they are, abo v e all, clean . They use relatively little energy, they are not ma nufactured in sm o k e - belc hin g factories, and peopl e wh o use 'e m, like telec o m m u t er s, often wind up cons er vin g other resourc es -- gas olin e bein g the big gi e.

Compare d to cars -- the only techn ol o g y that co m p ar es to PCs, in ter ms of influencin g the way we live and think -- co m p ut ers see m al m o st spiritual. Life with co m p ut ers has often implied a m o v e away fro m the envir on m e n t al shad o w s of the rec ent and current era.

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That has always been part of its allure -- that the Age of Infor mati on, clean, pure, and unpolluted, w oul d foll o w on the heels of and be the antid ote to the Age of Soot. Fro m the sm o k e sta c k to the cleanr o o m .

It's easy to see why we feel that way. Computers just sit there and hu m. They don't belc h sm o k e or leak oil or e mit od or. They don't drop their rusted parts alon g the should ers of roads. But they still have significant negatives. On on e ob vi o u s level there

is the matter of paper. Computing was onc e thoug ht to lead ineluctably to the paperless offic e -- everything w oul d be saved on disk, and acc ess e d on m o n it ors, with the rare printout for the fee bl e and old.

Even the ne w e st, rawest co m p ut er recruit kn o w s this hasn't co m e to pass. People wh o, Pre-Computer, got by on a half- rea m of paper a year sudd enly found the m s el v e s goin g throug h box after box of

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flat sheets or tractor- feed continu ous for m s. The solitary co m p ut er user may shrug and say that a big box of 35 0 0 sheets is no big deal. But multiply that box by the thirty milli on other ho m e and small- business co m p ut erists, and then by the astron o m i c a l usage patterns of Fortune 50 0 co m p a ni es, and every other business, sch o o l , and institution, and you see what sort of burd en we are placing on our forests and landfills. Multiply that nu m b er, in turn, by the expl osi o n in publishin g and direct mail that co m p ut ers have helped feed, and on e understands why we are losing tim b erlan d at the rate of a four square mil es per day. Write a nov el, kill an o wl. All to feed our planetary pal the PC.

There are other probl e m s as well. Inks, che m i c a ls, and toners for printers are unifor m l y toxic. Chip ma kin g and floppy disk ma nufacture invol v e egregi o u s am ou nts of etchin g acids, solv ents, and other noxi ous petroc h e m i c a l s. Computer cases the m s el v e s are ma d e of harden e d , high- impa ct, unreusa bl e plastic. Thus they use up valua bl e petroc h e m i c a l feedstuffs, and wh en discard e d , they sit around in clos ets and landfills, breathing trace am ou nts of toxic vap ors, for virtually ever. The plastic fil m that floppies and their jackets are ma d e fro m? There are m o u ntains of the m out there in the w orl d no w, and the m o u ntains keep gro w i n g .

Energy? True, small co m p ut ers the m s el v e s do not use mu c h m or e electricity than a hi- fi. The Apple II+ and IBM PCs ca m e with m o d e st little po w er supplies. But subse q u e nt m o d e l s ca m e with big g er po w er units, fans, and storag e drives. Their periph erals and supp ort syste m s -- printers, FAX ma c hin es, air- con diti onin g, lighting and other add- ons -- all cried out for m or e juice.

And any wa y, the sheer nu m b er of ma c hin es plugg e d in around the glo b e is sufficient to exert a do w n w a r d tug on our ov erall energy capacity, w ors enin g air quality, straining landfills and ble e di n g weird solv ents into the water tables.

Atmospheric changes

There is no envir on m e n t al issue that raises as ma ny hackl es and politically polarizes peopl e as mu c h as the apparent destruction of our bi osp h er e's outer oz on e layer by chl or oflu or o c ar b o n s (CFCs).

You may re m e m b e r CFCs. They are the class of che m i c a ls lump e d tog eth er in headlin es al m o st 20 years ag o, wh en atm o s p h eri c che m i sts Sherw o o d Rowland and Mario Molina disc o v er e d that these che m i c a ls, used as co ol a nts in refrig eration and air con diti onin g units, as ele m e nts in foa m produ cts, and as prop ellants in spray cans, wer e so m e h o w disc o m b o b u l atin g stratosph eric oz on e, 8 to 30 mil es abo v e our heads.

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Until then hardly any on e kne w or cared what the oz on e layer was. Now every o n e kn o w s that it is like a skin holdin g our atm o s p h er e tog eth er, shieldin g us against har mful solar radiation. A protect or of life, the oz on e layer was itself the creati on of life -- for m e d billions of years ag o by rotting oc ea ni c lifef or m s . Without the oz on e layer, the theory go es, we will be helpless against a wa v e of horrific plagues -- skin canc er, crop failure, the extinction of thousands of speci es of plants and ani mals. CFCs also, it appears, speed up glo b al warnin g, and what co m e s with that -- sm o g , flo o d e d coastlines, depleted tim b erlan ds.

Unfortunately for envir on m e n t alists -- and journalists -- it is imp o s si bl e to discuss such outc o m e s with out soundin g hysterical. Rush Limbau g h has a field day ma kin g scientists wh o fret about continued life on earth sound like white coated Chicken Littles.

This despite a rec ent ne ws report that an en or m o u s iceb er g , 30 mil es by 50 mil es across and 1 0 0 yards thick, has br ok e n off fro m the James Ross Island ice- shelf and is drifting north ward as I type this. The ne ws report said the floe may take 20 years to m elt. I m e nti on this not bec aus e I am afraid of iceb er g s but bec aus e it may illustrate the theory that the atm o s p h er e is getting war m e r. If that happens, lots of iceb er g s will be headin g our way, even if we live in Kansas City.68

In the case of CFCs, the greatest da m a g e is not bein g caused by nons ol v e nt (refrigerant) CFCs at all, but by solv ent CFCs. Rowland did a map of the w orl d and disc o v er e d that, whil e plac es like Alaska and Madagascar e mitted zero CFCs, on e plac e e mitted the m like nob o d y's business -- Silicon Valley, California, ho m e of Apple, Hewlett- Packard, IBM and a milli on other co m p ut er co m p a ni es. High techn ol o g y , wh er e v er it exists around the w orl d, is creating on e huge spike in CFC activity after anoth er. Single- hand e dly, the industry is pushing ma m m o t h am ou nts of the stuff sky war d.

Computer co m p a n y CFCs m or e than erased any progr ess ma d e by the aband o n m e n t of CFCs in hair sprays and refrig erat ors. In a contro v er sial essay in Mother Jone s ,69 envir on m e n t al gadfly and Earth Day found er Dennis Hayes argued that the electr oni c s industry not only kne w all alon g about the da m a g e it was causing, but that it had viabl e CFC alternatives they could have used, but, like Bartleby the Scriven er, si mply preferred not to. Dupont and Dow Chemi c al could do it, but Unisys, DEC and Compa q could not.

There is no questi on that CFCs are w o n d erful solv ents. Engineers love the m bec aus e they pour out as a thick gas, penetrate throug h to the mi cr op o r e s of silic on chips, disk heads, and circuit boards -- and then si mply evap orate, leavin g spankin g clean hard war e. Whereas refrig erant CFCs wer e design e d to stay inside a tank for the

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life of the ma c hin e, solv ent CFCs are suppo s e d to escap e -- that is their purpos e in life, to ma k e cleanup a breez e. All throug h the bo o m years of the 1 9 8 0 s , co m p ut er co m p a ni es poured on the CFCs like nob o d y's business, venting fum es into the op en air. Only rec ently have the big g er co m p a ni es installed e missi o n traps.

You kn o w , we all have our stere otypical ima g e s of what sort of peopl e sit at the corp orate boardr o o m s in Silicon Valley. Levi Dock ers- types, with feather w e i g ht wire-rim m e d yuppie specs, interested in ma kin g a profit, sure, but every bit as interested in ma kin g the w orl d a gro o v i er plac e to raise kids and drive a Volvo station wa g o n in. That's my stere otyp e -- Apple Computer types.

Thes e are the tuned- in dudes wh o, with all the evid en c e in the w orl d amass e d bef or e their eyes that their solv ents of ch oi c e wer e havin g a devastating effect on the planetary radiation shield, neverth el ess pulled every trick in the bo o k to avoi d changin g.

"The issue [of oz on e depleti on] was contro v er sial am o n g leading scientists and the data was inc on clusiv e," says an internal IBM m e m o qu ot ed in Hayes' bo o k , Behind the Silicon Curtain : The Seduction s of Work in a Lonely Era . This despite the fact that research ers Rowland and Molina had been profusely hon or e d by the scientific co m m u n ity, including best o w a l of the prestigi ous Japan Prize for Environ m e n tal Scienc e and Techn ol o g y . In 1 9 7 9 the National Acade m y of Scienc es announ c e d findings sho w i n g that oz on e loss was oc curring even m or e rapidly than Rowland and Molina had project ed. And it is said that today's m e a sura bl e depleti on repres ents effluents releas e d 20 years ag o -- the rec ent junk hasn't even reach e d the big top yet.

The industry's m o uthpi e c e group, the American Electronics Associati on, was hand e d even harder state m e nts to deliv er straight- faced. In 1 9 8 9 testi m o n y bef or e a Senate envir on m e n t al subc o m m i t e e , an AEA spok es p ers o n said that CFCs wer e the unani m o u s ch oi c e of co m p ut er ma nufacturers bec aus e "they wer e belie v e d to be envir on m e n t ally benig n, neither contributing to air pollution nor to any hazard ous waste probl e m s . "

The am ou nt of CFCs du mp e d into our bi osp h er e bet w e e n 1 9 7 9 and 1 9 9 5 is esti mat ed to surpass 1 5 billion pounds. The am ou nt of oz on e in the upper atm o s p h er e, by contrast, is scant, its m o l e c ul es scattered far apart in the lo w- gravity of near spac e. Passive, fragile, unfixabl e.

Today, the situation is so m e w h a t under control. In 1 9 8 7 , 45 industrial and dev el o p in g countries signed the Montreal Protoc ol on Substanc es that Deplete the Ozone Layer, an international pled g e to phase out CFCs. Computer co m p a ni es are in the unc o m f o rta bl e position of publicly givin g the Montreal Protoc ol s lip- servic e, but

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w or kin g tirelessly behind the scen es to extend co m p lian c e deadlin es and other wis e blunt the effort to eli mi nate the killer che m i c a ls.

We can't do it alon e, appears to be the rallying cry. "Trying to reduc e CFC e missi o n s in the U.S. will have a negligi bl e effect on oz on e depleti on," an AEA repres entative told Congress as it pond er e d regulations to impl e m e n t the Montreal Protoc ol.

What ma k e s this potentially tragic is that there was a perfectly satisfactory alternative solution to CFCs all alon g -- essentially, water. Aqueous cleaning, using water and ultrasoun d, was the industry standard up until the late 1 9 7 0 s , wh en every o n e switch e d to CFCs for their evap orati on prop erties. And it's afforda bl e. AT&T Bell Labs reported that switchin g to water- bas ed cleaning syste m s w oul d raise circuit- board ma nufacturing costs by all of 1 % .

The other solution falls under the na m e of terpen es -- organic clean ers that can be found in just about every living plant. Terpen es proba bl y w or k even better than water and ultrasoun d, and are nonc orr osi v e and nont oxi c. AT&T -- on e of the go o d guys in this gri m little fable -- uses a terpen e produ ct ma d e fro m orang e rinds and w o o d pulp. AT&T says it can switch im m e d i at ely fro m CFCs to water and terpen es, whil e the rest of Silicon Valley beg s for ten years time to get its act tog eth er. After all, what's anoth er billion pounds of CFC?

Eventually, the big ma nufacturers have co m e to see the light. In 1 9 9 2 and 1 9 9 3 , Apple, Hewlett- Packard, and Compa q all announ c e d that they w oul d abid e, finally, by the Montreal Protoc ol s on aband o n in g CFCs. Thes e announ c e m e n t s appeared as 1 0 0 - w or d articles in Infoworld , MacWeek and PC Week . You kne w there wer e argu m e nts at the boardr o o m level wh eth er to boast of the achiev e m e n t ("Buddies of the Earth") or let the matter sneak guiltily onto the rec or d. Decen cy w o n out. Eventually, all the big co m p a ni es here and abr oa d got behind the ne w m o v e -- IBM, Digital, Unisys, Sony, Matsushita, Mitsubishi.

But go o d lord, not until the 20 billions pounds of CFCs wer e already ma kin g their way to the polar oz on e holes. And the lo w- dollar shops in China, Korea, Mexico and Singapor e are still at it.

How does the w orl d really w or k? It ain't your cards and letters, and protests in the street. In the case of Hewlett- Packard, it was the fact Chair man David Packard's daughter Julie ran the Monterey Bay Aquariu m, and she was outsp o k e n about it.

Way to go, Julie. Now if the rest of us can just exert the sa m e po w er s of suasi on with our Silicon Valley billionaire dads....

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Solid waste

My neigh b o r had just got back fro m a trip out east, and was eag er to tell m e about it.

"I was walkin g do w n so m e street on the Lower East Side, and there it was, just sitting out with the trash -- the CPU and key b o ar d for an XT clon e. So I toted it back to the van and br ou g ht it ho m e . Some find, huh?"

It sure was, I told hi m. What was he goin g to do with it? It couldn't run today's soft war e, and my neigh b o r w oul dn't be content running 1 0 - year- old progra m s .

He loo k e d at m e impatiently, as if I wer e focusin g on negatives. The imp ortant thing was that he had saved a perfectly go o d ma c hin e fro m an ign o m i n i o u s fate in so m e landfill in New Jersey, perhaps within ar m's reach of Jimmy Hoffa.

And there the matter stands. There are 1 5 0 milli on PCs out there, all aging rapidly. Every year, 1 0 milli on are put out to pasture. Put the m all in a pile, wh er e they will all be in ten years, and we will have a m o u ntain of about 6 milli on tons -- an acre in breadth, three and a half mil es deep, roo m to stack 1 5 Empire State Buildings end to end. That's m or e than your averag e Adironda c k.

Prices on PCs keep tum blin g as ne w PCs bec o m e ever m or e po w erful, rob bin g old er PCs of value. Yet, like my neigh b o r's foundling, these old box e s still see m too "valuabl e" to thro w away. Is there anything you can do with the m?

The ideal ans w er is not to recycl e the co m p ut er but to reuse it so m e h o w . There are a coupl e of ob vi o u s ways to do this -- hand the co m p ut er do w n to a young er fa mily m e m b e r , or donating it to a sch o o l . But are you really doin g any on e a favor, givin g the m a free XT? Kids need what ne w co m p ut ers offer -- go o d graphic interfac es -- m or e than adults do. And the soft war e thos e old co m p ut ers run is awfully musty.

In a sch o o l setting, it's hard to clai m you're preparing a child for the future by sitting the m do w n at a relic of the past. The botto m line is the sa m e as it was for the XT on the Brooklyn curbsid e: the spac e it takes up is m or e valua bl e than the w or k it can do.

So what are your opti ons? You can sell it to a coll e g e student. An lo w- end XT syste m can still bring $25 0 on the op en mark et.

There are also used co m p ut er br ok ers that will take it off your hands for you, and pay you perhaps $ 1 0 0 for it. Then they will packa g e it with a lot of si milar syste m s

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and sell it to a sch o o l syste m , or even better, on the glo b al sec o n d ary mark et, wh er e a boring old (to us) PC repres ents a quantu m leap for war d in techn ol o g y .

A nonpr ofit agen cy that deliv ers last year's techn ol o g y to this year's dev el o p in g nations is the East West Devel op m e n t Foundati on in Boston, whic h distributes co m p ut ers to ov er 1 3 0 nations. So your old PC may wind up crunchin g nu m b er s in Quito or Monrovia.

You may also be able to use your co m p ut er as a bargaining chip wh en you upgrad e. If you buy fro m a consultant or repair group, chanc es are go o d that they will take the co m p ut er off your hands, subtract a few hundred dollars fro m the purchas e price of your ne w syste m , and then use their o w n contacts to find a plac e for your old syste m -- with a sch o o l or charity, or lumpin g it in with a bundle of ma c hin es head e d for Pakistan.

A better idea may be to find a sec o n d ary use for the ma c hin e. Old PCs can't run the latest Windo w s or CD-ROM progra m s , but they are perfectly ade quate for certain dedi cated tasks in the ho m e or offic e -- turning lights on and off, adjusting the ther m o stat, keepin g an eye on your ho m e security syste m or garag e do or op en er, m o n it orin g inc o m i n g calls, servin g as a hub for your ans w erin g ma c hin e, voi c e m a i l, or fax ma c hin e. I, for exa m p l e, use a separate, slo w e r ma c hin e for my Internet calls.

Sure, your ne w er co m p ut er can do these things, too. But as we all kn o w , as w o n d erful as multitasking is, these tasks still have a way of tripping ov er on e anoth er and crashing. A dedi cated syste m to handl e the m o st volatile ch or es is a go o d way to sidestep these conflicts.

Perhaps the co m m o n e s t use old PCs are put to is running a co m p ut er bulletin board syste m (BBS). There are thousands of ho m e g r o w n BBSes out there today, and nearly all of the m run on sec o n d h a n d syste m s . The reas on is that proc es sin g time -- the do w n f all of the old 80 8 6 and 80 2 8 6 chips -- is practically irrelevant in telec o m m u n i c ati on s, whic h are already limited by (usually) mu c h slo w e r m o d e m trans missi o n times.

Why w oul d you want to start a BBS? For on e thing, bec aus e it's fun. I kn o w a doz en peopl e wh o, with no special technical back gr ou n d s, have add ed a gratifying di m e n si o n to their other wis e gray and m e a nin gl ess lives by starting up chat boards. The BBS is si mply a way for like- min d e d individuals to get tog eth er, read on e anoth er's thoug hts, and resp on d.

BBSing is seductive. When you start, you see it as a cold, facel ess m e d iu m . But with the passag e of time you co m e to nu m b er these facel ess peopl e am o n g your clos est friends.

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You can also use your BBS as a kind of net w or k for a ho m e business or ho b b y . Your coll ea gu es, clients, deal ers and custo m e r s can co m m u n i c at e with you throug h your o w n private e- mail syste m , leavin g short notes or uploadin g huge files. And all you need is an old co m p ut er and a phon e line.

You can also use your PC as the front end for a ha m radi o set- up. Most amateur radi o invol v e s voi c e trans missi o n, like a phon e, but a great deal of it is digital -- cod e d m e s sa g e s that sound like blips and squeaks to the ear, but can easily be dec o d e d and resp on d e d to using a PC with a short wa v e con v ert er. Once you get your amateur's licens e, you can con v ert all sorts of interesting data -- m e s sa g e s fro m other op erat ors, weath er stations, and ne ws organizations around the w orl d.

If that's not es oteric en ou g h, ho w about using the co m p ut er as a rob oti c brain? Robotics are ultra- sophisticated kinetic task repeaters -- but they aren't especially smart or fast. You can buy rob oti cs kits fro m the back pag es of electr oni c s ma g azin es, and there are several fun bo o k s on the mark et that can help you get started ma kin g rob ots either for so m e practical use or as toys.

If efforts to reuse the co m p ut er co m e to naught, true recycling -- dis m a ntling the ma c hin e and redirecting its co m p o n e n ts for reuse or scrap -- is possi bl e, but not easy.

A New Jersey co m p a n y called Advanc e d Recov ery has led the way in co m p ut er recycling. The small firm handl es about 20 tons of co m p ut er gear every m o nth. But it's not as si mpl e as crushing a car into a 3- foot cube. Computer co m p o n e n ts rang e wid ely in value and utility. Recyclers must take each box apart, first setting aside any ite ms that can be resold as is -- m o d e m s , expansi on cards, mi c e, key b o ar d s, m o n it ors, etc. The chips are extracted and sold to parts wh ol e s al ers and repair shops.

Thos e ite ms whic h cann ot be reused must then be br ok e n do w n . First the co m p ut er is min e d for m etals, whic h includ e alu minu m , copp er and gol d. The steel cabin ets are re m o v e d and sold as scrap. Even so m e plastic resins can be stripped for recycling. Whatever is left is then carted off to the landfill.

The probl e m with all this co m m o d i t y harvesting is that it is slo w, painstaking w or k, that no on e is ma kin g mu c h m o n e y doin g. Recycled plastic is cheap er than virgin resin by the ounc e, but not if it takes you all day to pick it out of your co m p ut er innards. The old er ma c hin e you o w n , the m or e difficulty you will have separating out the sava bl es.

The go o d ne ws is that, in years to co m e , co m p ut ers will be design e d with recycling in min d. If co m p a ni es don't ma k e it easy throug h m o d ular design, snap-apart conn e cti on s, and -- as mu c h as possi bl e -- single- mat erial constructi on, they will

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have to assu m e the cost for landfilling the m s el v e s , in the for m of so m e kind of envir on m e n t al levy.

Under the strict "take- back " regulations in effect in Germany, co m p ut er co m p a ni es are co m p e l l e d by law to take back co m p ut ers users no long er want. With such a law on the bo o k s , a doz en recycling co m p a ni es have sprung up to seek profits in am o n g st the red tape. It's dou btful that the U.S. will go to such a ma n d at ory syste m , but co m p ut er co m p a ni es kn o w that the federal go v ern m e n t will not tolerate a ne w gen erati on of PC junkyards on the outskirts of every town.

Thoug h every co m p ut er ma k er fro m Apple to Zeos has voi c e d supp ort for a green er PC, IBM has taking the lead in actual recycling. The co m p a n y has already op en e d recycling centers in New Haven, CT and Raleigh, NC, and has announ c e d intentions to establish m or e across the country, for users to bring their unwanted ma c hin es to.

It's not easy being green

How hard is it to "be go o d " envir on m e n t ally? To glanc e at the bo o k cov ers (101 Ways to Save the Earth ), it's easy -- you just do the 1 0 1 things.

In reality it's very hard. You aren't scre wi n g up the planet mu c h; we as a civilization, all tog eth er, are. The things you can do as an individual don't stack up to mu c h. And so m e of the m are nearly imp o s si bl e . Like recycling vinyl just can't be don e in my ho m e town of St. Paul, for instanc e. I'd have to mail my vinyl to Chicag o. And I'm sorry, Mother Earth, but I refuse to do that.

Consid er a see m i n g ly si mpl e task -- getting the post m a n to deliv er less junk mail to your offic e or ho m e every day. It's a w orthy am biti on: every year you get a tree's w orth of junk mail. Get that tree do w n fro m a mi g hty oak to a slend er sapling, and you'll be doin g the earth a favor. Not to m e nti on your postal pers on.

But it is a daunting task, invol vin g hours at your w or d proc es s or and sendin g lots of (you got it) unwanted letters. There is no central clearing h o u s e for mail lists that you can write to. The co m p a n y that sent you junk isn't the probl e m , so mu c h as the co m p a n y that sold that co m p a n y your na m e. Compani es that mail to you buy their lists fro m outside, often on a on e- time use basis. So they have no way to clean the lists bef or e h a n d, even thoug h they should want to keep your catal o g out of the recycling bin. If you want to stop getting the mail, you have find out wh o they buy na m e s fro m , and get thos e peopl e to stop selling your na m e.

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One thing you can easily do is write the Direct Marketing Associati on ((1 1 West 42n d Street, New York, NY 1 0 1 6 3 - 38 6 1 ), the direct mail er trade organization. They have a kit you can use to notify the industry of your feelings. This does n't w or k as well as it should thoug h -- you mi g ht want to re- notify the m every six m o nths.

The probl e m is, there are doz ens of ways list-sellers can get your na m e and address. When you do business with the m, you have no idea that their hidd en agen da is in adding you to the lists they sell. The pri mary culprits includ e:

Mail order companies. When you buy an ite m by mail, the ven d or resells your na m e to business es selling co m p l e m e n t ary produ cts. Thus, if you bou g ht lugga g e, you may end up on a travel list. A go o d practice is to use a variant of your na m e, title or street address -- Michael A. Finley. Michael B. Finley, Michael C. Finley, etc. -- with each ven d or. That way, wh en you start getting offers, you kn o w wh o's been selling your na m e, and ask the m to stop it. Most co m p a ni es will add your na m e to a special "suppressi on " list.

Credit cards. Thes e folks kn o w m or e about your spendin g habits than you do. Use a special na m e for each card. If a co m p a n y refuses to suppress your na m e, send back their plastic.

Groups you thought were your friend. Churches, professi on al asso ciati ons, etc. Selling na m e s is a quick way to raise extra m o n e y . It may see m strang e givin g the m all different na m e s , but it's the best way to find out wh o's selling you out.

The phone book. With the advent of CD-ROM phon e direct ori es, any business can m er g e and purge its o w n mail list. Someti m e s just the exchan g e, or the bl o c k you live on, or your na m e, will tell the m what they need to kn o w . Again, you could pick a fake na m e for the direct ory -- but you have to tell every o n e your fake na m e. The other possi bility is getting an unlisted nu m b er.

Product registration cards. Yup, co m p a ni es have an ulterior m oti v e in coll ecting these. Usually they are sent to the National Dem o g r ap hi c s and Lifestyles Company (attn: List Order Depart m ent, 1 6 2 1 1 8th St. Suite 30 0 , Denver, CO 80 2 0 2) whic h culls info you entered yourself and sells lists bas ed on what you said. Write the m and ask the m to disinclud e you.

"Occupant" mail. You get all thos e circulars, oil chang e coup o n s, missing children ads fro m local m er c h a nts. The national ADVO ("Mailbox Values") and Harte Hanks ("Potpourri"). Keeping this sort of mail at bay is tough. You have to call their local sales offic e, tell the m, to stop printing your card, then hassle your post offic e to stop deliv erin g it even with out the card, whic h is illegal. Once they kn o w you're a nut about this, they'll stop.

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By no w you've got the idea. To cut do w n on co m p ut erized mail ov erl o a d , you have to gen erate a lot of co m p ut er mail of your o w n . It w oul d be nice if si mpl er m e a sur es w or k e d , but they don't:

Complaining via the business's own Business Reply Envelopes (BREs). This mail go es to a different planet (order rede m pti o n), than you want (custo m e r servic e). They'll just circular file it.

Attaching a brick to a BRE . The post offic e is on the loo k o ut for this sort of thing. There's a stack of undeliv er e d bricks out in Wyo min g so m e w h e r e that air traffic must be routed around.

If you are really serious about undertakin g this effort, and want the co m p l et e lo w d o w n , dial onto the Internet, go to the Usenet alt.ans w ers ne ws gr o u p, and do w n l o a d a file called Junk Mail FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions), by Chris Hibbert. I got m o st of my ideas fro m that docu m e n t, and it includ es a ton of address es and other ideas. It's free.

If all this fails, you have the opti on of pulling up stakes and m o v i n g , and leavin g no for war din g address. But you can't tell any on e (including creditors, e m pl o y er, insurers, old friends, and m o st especially the Post Office).

Recycle your floppies?

When you got your first hard disk, you wer e sudd enly the o w n er of thos e doz ens of 5 ¼ inch floppies that you had been using for data backup. Then, wh en you switch e d to 3 ½ inch floppies, you ca m e into an even larger hoard to old floppies. You sa w this at the time as a windfall. Now, years later, you realize you are stuck with a hundred or so floppies that you will never be able to use.

Help may be on the way. GreenDisk Co. of Redm o n d , WA has announ c e d plans to take old floppies, de m a g n etize and refor m at the m, and then resell the freshly clean e d m e d i a at a fraction of the cost of ne w floppies. GreenDisk has even found a way to recycl e Tyvek envel o p e s -- previ ously consid er e d unrecy cla bl e .

For the m o m e n t, GreenDisk is con c e ntrating on refurbishing disks used by large soft war e co m p a ni es, wh o go throug h milli on s of disks every year. But the effort will keep hundreds of tons of plastic out of landfills -- and if succ essful, we can expe ct to see small regi on al op erat ors jumpin g cashin g in on the opp ortunities. That's wh en you can finally unload that big box of disk ettes.

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The next logical step, CD-ROM and circuit board recycling, is also in the w or ks, but the averag e user w o n't ben efit fro m the m for a whil e. Best advic e: take all your junk to your repair partner. They go throug h a lot of co m p ut er junk. If there is m o n e y to be ma d e trading these old mat erials, or saved by keepin g the m out of the local landfill, they will kn o w .

What industry must do

Complete the switch fro m CFCs to terpen es or aque ou s bas ed solv ents. Don't just do it yourselv e s; require your suppliers to do it, too. Even your suppliers in countries with negligi bl e envir on m e n t al regulations.

Emphasize environmental aspects in advertising. Sure, price is imp ortant to us, but saving a buck does n't do us mu c h go o d if we live in a toxic waste du mp.

When crises occur, m e et the m head- on. One m or e 20 m e g at o n denial circus like we sa w with CFCs, and the industry's credi bility on envir on m e n t al matters is toast.

What you should do in the meantime

Do three things. Forget the 101 Things You Can Do to Save the Earth . Find three that you kn o w you can do, and that are valid activities, and do thos e. Here are a few that see m w orth w h il e to m e:

ƒ Look for the Energy Star . Thes e EPA-sancti on e d co m p o n e n ts use a "sleep m o d e " to auto m atically po w er do w n wh en not in use. To qualify as Energy Star-co m p liant, m o n it ors must be able to po w er do w n to 30 watts or less wh en not in use. You can install Energy Star co m p o n e n ts to old ma c hin es so that they can save, too. Note: po w erin g up and do w n takes time. You may want to set your para m et ers for po w erin g do w n br oa dly so it isn't goin g up and do w n every five minutes.

ƒ Use fluorescent lights. They glare less, use less heat, cause few er fires, and al m o st never burn out. Less time standing on rickety chairs scre wi n g in light bulbs m e a n s increas e d produ ctivity.

ƒ Work from the screen. Many of us print out a doz en or a scor e of drafts to peruse bef or e printing the "final." Learn to edit fro m the screen. Forget blue- penciling and Post-It Notes and chang e text directly onscr e e n. With today's WYSIWYG w or d proc es s or s and spreadsh e ets, there is no need for all thos e paper drafts.

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ƒ Use the power switch. it used to be popular, especially am o n g ho m e offic e types, wh o may feel the urge to co m p ut e at any hour of the day, to leav e PCs on 24 hours a day; it mini m iz e d the shoc k of bo otin g up, and in a small offic e the cost was not mu c h. But with today's larger syste m s , and big g er net w or k s, cost is a huge factor: if your co m p a n y has 1 5 0 PCs, just turning off the col or m o n it ors at night can save you $ 1 7, 0 0 0 a year in electricity costs. 70 Personally, I co m p r o m i s e -- I turn the m o n it ors and printers off at night, and leav e the CPU on.

ƒ Repair. To o often we upgrad e to anoth er ma c hin e or tool bec aus e our current on e is on the fritz. Why spend $ 1 0 0 on repairs on our old whatsit wh en, for $ 1 7 5 , you can et a brand ne w whatsit that is faster and has blinking lights? That is often co m p e l lin g logic, but every no w and then it pays to fix the old on e, and keep it out of the waste strea m.

ƒ Rent. You proba bl y don't need a full- pag e col or scann er m or e than a few times a year. Instead of buying on e, and taking up the resale, disp osal, storag e and repair heada c h e s that go with o w n er s hip, why not rent or lease on e?

ƒ Reuse. Use it for tasks that are less missi on- critical -- kids' ho m e w o r k , or ho m e security. Or set it out on your curb, and see what enterprising soul sees the value and ma k e s off with it. If you're don e with a PC, and it is usable, donate it to a church, sch o o l , or thrift shop. For help placing your unwanted PCs, contact the Computer Recycling Center in Mountain View, CA (41 5- 42 8- 37 0 0), or the National Cristina Foundati on in Green wi c h, CT (20 3- 6 2 2 - 60 0 0 , or the East West Foundati on in Boston (66 1 7 - 54 2- 1 2 3 4)

ƒ Recycle. Thes e days an awful lot can be recycl e d. Recharg ea bl e batteries, floppy disks, toner cartridg es, and certainly the m o u ntains of waste paper you create. Call your local recycling authority and find out what they will pick up, and what you can bring in yourself. On your produ ct registration cards, there's usually a co m m e n t line. Take advantag e of the hon ey m o o n that exists bet w e e n you and the ma nufacturer. Ask the m, "When I am don e with this thing, ho w do I get rid of it? If they really value you, they'll think of so m et hin g.

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Marginal Material, Chapter 8

DESPOLIATIONPA R A D O X #8

Systems design e d to ma k e the w o rld a better plac e instead plac e the w o rld in

jeopardy.

'Who is General Failure,

and why is he reading my hard drive?'

An error message is a short, cryptic statement your computer makes when it wants to shift blame from its programmers onto you. Here are some actual error messages that you really can get:

Disk Error A)bort R)etry F)ail

Feb is not the name of a month."

General Protection Fault

Invalid Filename or File Not Found

File Allocation Table Error

Fatal Error - System Halted

Insufficient Resources

Insufficient memory - aborting.....

System not responding.....

Something bad happened and I don't know what it is. (Macintosh)

Drive C: No such drive.

Timed out while doing something indeterminable

Unable to Load Command Processor

What? (syntax error)

How? (operand error)

Sorry! (out of memory)

(WHAT, HOW, and SORRY were the only error messages on early TRS-80 systems)

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Error messages you hope you never see

Access denied! Do something constructive for a change!

The nanobites are in full-scale rebellion.

SYSTEM ERROR 1303 : POWER NOT ON

There is NO way to do that!

HIT ANY KEY TO CONTINUE, when you've already hit EVERY key and things are locked up tighter than an old man after three pounds of cheese.

Deleting user. Computer needs no further input.

#6 ^(*&_)*)(bjklkuhkj76&^*()YG(%*^&(PG Not reading ready dr dr dr dr dr ive C:\

"LPT1 on fire"

1972 Hewlett Packard creates the HP-35 Electronic Slide Rule. The first pocket calculator. It could solve in one minute what took a regular slide rule five minutes.

1972 Nolan Bushnell introduces Pong, the first electronic arcade game, for Atari machines. It is a smash hit.

1972 The dedicated word processor, the invention of Wang Laboratories, is unveiled to large corporations, revolutionizing secretarial pools. The earliest models had no monitor -- they were just typewriters with cassette drives for storage. Expensive and clunky, the Wang Word Processing System was how many people first encountered computing.

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processor. This is the part of the computer that does what computers do. Just as a food processor mills vegetables, a data processor mills information. A microprocessor is a very little one.

real estate. The amount of desktop space available to the user's elbows.

snailmail. The United States Postal Service.

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Chapt e r 9

How technology makes liars of us allTHE EFFECT OF COMPUTERS ON CHARACTER

Confronting the theory that computers cheapen our characters, plus thoughts on plagiarism, pathological liars, piracy, and feeble efforts at humor; concluding with a moral fable about self-delusion

It is a clich é of the digital life, on e especially favor e d by profess ors in the hu ma nities, that techn ol o g y exerts an inex ora bly dehu m a nizing effect on peopl e. It cuts us off fro m on e anoth er, separates us into little co m p utin g islands, ma k e s us forg etful, narcissistic, self- invol v e d , and our social skills atrophy until no on e wants to be our friend.

What gets m e about these anti- techn ol o g y screed s is that the authors see m to think that just bec aus e they steep e d in the wisd o m of what it m e a n s to be hu ma n, that the w orl d will scree c h its brak es and rethink its course. Like philos o p h ers influenc e buying decisi on s. "I kn o w , I'll write a passionate essay that is pro- hu ma nity and anti-co m p ut er, and peopl e will pay attention."

The argu m e nts ma d e against the ma c hin e age are often eleg ant and ingeni ous. Basically, they boil do w n to so m et hin g like, Computer technology dazzles us with speed and firework s while it ineluctably cheap en s the human spirit. They dilute the hu ma nn e s s of our w or k, our relationships, and our very bein g. Before we are "c o m p ut e d," we are peopl e. Once we are co m p ut ed we are nu m b er s and never quite as hu ma n again. At least, that's the theory.

Computers imp e d e our gro wt h as hu ma n bein gs, they say. 7 1 Here's the argu m e nt: People already are the slo w e st maturing creature in all nature. While we gro w , we learn, but only wh en im m e r s e d in the correcting atm o s p h er e of the real w orl d. Computers suck children into a virtual w orl d that does not correct the m; thus they don't learn need e d life skills and thus they stay children long er. One thinks of gro w n adults wh o ord er their entire lives around their PC -- its ga m e s , net w or k s, hackin g possi bilities, etc. -- to confir m this theory of stunted dev el o p m e n t. Can you think of any on e you kn o w wh o really likes co m p ut ers and see m s stunted?

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Not havin g fingers, co m p ut ers are not even hu ma n en ou g h to count the hu ma n way, in 1 0 s, the hu ma nists co m p l ain. Instead they created their o w n weird binary math, in whic h everything in the cos m o s is reduc e d to so m e indeciph era bl e per mutati on of 1s and 0s. You can write a poe m on a Pentium, play Scriabin on a digital co m p a ct disc, or bit- map Van Gogh's "Sunflo w er s." But the masters are not m o c k e d . The art is clev er and re marka bl e but it is wr on g . It is still just 1s and 0s a co m p ut er fashi on e d into a facsi mil e of the real thing. Computers cheap en everything. Dialog bec o m e s dial o g box e s. Icons -- ima g e s of the unutterably beautiful -- bec o m e little pictures you bop with a m o u s e. Human bein gs bec o m e nu m b er s, files, cod e.

One obs er vati on acad e m i c techn o p h o b e s ma k e is that techn ol o g y inevita bly brings out the sea m i er side of hu ma n nature. Big techn ol o g y -- radi o, TV, databas e net w or k s, direct mail -- ena bl es the po w erful to m o n it or and ma nipulate the less po w erful. Local techn ol o g y -- your deskt op PC, printer, phon e, and fax m o d e m -- ena bl es the less po w erful to mas q u era d e as the m or e po w erful.

The techn o p h o b e sees techn ol o g i c a l progr ess as hu ma n dev o luti on. Georg e Orwell's 1984, with its telescr e e n s m o u nt ed in every roo m , was predicated upon the tyranny of ma c hin es. The shrinking attention span and declinin g test scor es of young peopl e today is seen as the cons e q u e n c e of a lifeti m e of noisy, disresp e ctful ind o ctrination -- bad TV, bad music, the use of techn ol o g y as ba bysitter.

This dev o luti on is ech o e d in the dev o luti on of languag e. Things that had rich, deep m e a nin g s in regular English bec o m e tinpot anal o g s in Computer English. Logic in English is an eleg ant m eth o d o l o g y for evaluating the truth and validity of hu ma n disc ours e; logic to a co m p ut er is m er ely an extensi on of alge bra. A string search was a way to whil e away a rainy evenin g at ho m e with the children; no w it is a Boolean co m m a n d state m e nt. A m o n it or was so m et hin g very still that watch e d you; no w it is so m et hin g very still that you watch.

I was at a business conf er en c e in Minneap olis rec ently wh er e Tony Athos, co-author of The Art of Japane s e Manage m ent and a classic cur mu d g e o n , laid it on the line: "Co mputers degrad e everything. We talk of cyberspa c e as if it wer e real spac e, and it isn't." Things that are called virtual gen erally are not -- not really. A virtual co m m u n ity is light years fro m bein g a true co m m u n ity. No on e w oul d want a virtual dog. The things that we prize in life are the intangi bl es that resist digitization -- and that cu mulatively co m p ris e a soul.

So what does that ma k e thos e of us wh o use and even like using techn ol o g y? Tw o- di m e n si o n al sec o n d - rate batch- run liars? Does our character corr o d e during our time at the cons ol e? It's a blunt accusati on, but it does n't co m e out of left field. The great delight of offic e techn ol o g y is that it allo w s hu m b l e entities like ourselv e s to

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mas q u era d e as so m et hin g big g er, grand er, richer. The PC is in a very real sens e a fantasy ma c hin e, a fashi on er of anoth er, a virtual reality, in whic h we can do or say things we other wis e w oul d never do or say.

Using w or d proc es sin g, a deskt op publishin g syste m , and a purchas ed mailing list, it's a cinch to send out letters, br oc hur es, catal o g s, or even m o u nt a World Wide Web ho m e pag e that not only presents our on e- pers on, do w n - on- its-luck organization as oc cupyin g the top half of an 80- story building and e m pl o yi n g 90 0 peopl e, but allo w s us to address individual custo m e r as if each on e wer e our pers on al best friend.

But the fantasy is a lie. The "big g er, grand er, richer" is all illusion. It's bad en ou g h that we fool our custo m e r s, but we see m to be foolin g ourselv e s as well. Techn ol o g y aug m e nts not only our throug hput, but our hubris as well. It creates distanc e, enc oura g e s a kind of solitary narcissistic splend or, lulls us into forg etting that our tasks had hu ma n goals.

Have you notic ed you are getting lost m or e wr on g nu m b er s the past few years than you did 20 years ag o? The reas on is techn ol o g i c a l: touch- tone phon es allo w m or e rapid dialing than the old rotary dials. Our fingers m o v e too quickly bec aus e the ma c hin e allo w s the m to. Result: wr on g conn e cti on s, and rude, hasty hang- ups.

Another teleph o ni c exa m p l e is dialers. Many peopl e no w carry pers on al phon e lists of 20 0 or m or e na m e s and nu m b er s with the m, or they have the m ready onlin e for quick use. The result is that we have stoppe d m e m o r izin g phon e nu m b er s, even of our friends and fa milies. It's so easy to have that list handy that we have abdicated fro m the business of re m e m b e r i n g . Quick -- what was the phon e nu m b er of the last plac e you lived?

Have you notic ed you are getting m or e w or d- proc es s e d "fa mily letters" during the holidays, and few er hand written letters? My fa mily creates this kind of fa mily letter, and we ma k e no pretens e that it is a hand written 1 9th century epistle. It's basically a for m- letter to peopl e we like, containing six paragraphs about the triumphs and trials of our fa mily and its individual m e m b e r s , plus a single solitary mail- m er g e d senten c e unique to the recipient ("We often think of you and Dell, and that crazy escapad e in the air shaft").

Most peopl e enjoy it. But a few let us kn o w in subtle ways that they feel "thing e d " by the techn ol o g y , that getting this kind of mail confuses the m e m oti o n ally: they appreciate the thoug ht, but wish it wer e a real thoug ht. One exasp erating artist friend told m e if he ever got anoth er "ma c hin e letter" fro m m e, our friendship was ov er.

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What can I say? Holiday times are busy. We have two young children, as greed y as all get out, and lights to hang, and co o k i e s to bak e. We cele brate both Hannukah and Christmas, and it's on e big m e s s. Think of the fa mily letter as auto m at e d go o d w i ll. But by such fine shadin gs does the pearl lose its lustre.

The ethical degradati on is every w h e r e you loo k. It is in the decr eas e d quality of produ cts and servic es. It is in the falsely pers on al tone of mark eting mat erials. It is in the false exclusivity of co m m u n i c ati on s ("Mr. Fred Flam of Canoga Park, you are in our final circle of $10,000,000 winners!"). It is in the deteri orating con diti on of intellectual prop erty laws -- copyrights, patents, anti- plagiaris m, anti- piracy, etc. It has forc ed us to create m o n str ous truth- detecting security syste m s that are straight out of 1984 . It so confuses us that we don't even kn o w any m or e wh en we are telling the truth.

Once again we see a techn o myth foll o w i n g the on e- size- fits- all pattern. Techn ol o g y isn't out to delib erately degrad e us. It has no satanic desires to corrupt hu ma nity. I don't think.

And it ob vi o u sly does n't turn us all into the sa m e degrad e d thing, or we w oul d all be the sa m e degrad e d thing. It does alter us; or to put bla m e wh er e it bel on g s, it invites us to alter ourselv e s, acc or din g to what we already are.

The po w er user gradually stops trying to impress other peopl e, and burro w s into his o w n nerdy infatuation with the ma c hin e. A few techn o naturals bec o m e cruel and re m ot e ("Puny earthlings!"). The earnest learner eventually masters what she sets out to learn, and her ne wf o u n d sens e of acc o m p l is h m e n t and co m f o rt with techn ol o g y may ma k e her a little smu g. The drea m e r wh o attains techn ol o g i c a l felicity ma k e s it part of his private obs e s si o n, disappearin g for long hours behind the screen. Even the plugg er is chang e d , fro m bein g driven by nec essity to the turf attitude that "I w or k hard at this, and I'm not about to let you ma k e it any harder."

Techn ol o g y picks us up, flips a few dips witch es on us, and sets us do w n again as slightly different peopl e, in a slightly different w orl d. Before techn ol o g y our w orl d was like a barnyard, with all the far m creatures wan d erin g around pri mitively, interacting face to face. It was funkily char mi n g. Post-techn ol o g y , the w orl d is m or e like a confin e m e n t facility on a m o d e r n eg g far m. Each of us is in a separate box. We can cluck to our heart's content, and the other chick e n s can hear us and cluck back. But we never see on e anoth er, we are artificially inse m i n ate d, our foo d is che m i c a lly treated and it's been ages sinc e any of our eg gs wer e allo w e d to hatch the way nature planned. We tell on e anoth er it's great to live in the m o d e r n age, but we privately pine for the days of fresh- air scratch and grunt.

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Plagiarism is not a beach

I was havin g lunch with an editor of a maj or national ma g azin e a whil e ag o, and we wer e rhaps o dizin g about the Internet. The only do w n si d e I sa w to it, as a writer, was that it was boun d to disintegrate existing copyright and other intellectual prop erty laws.

If I deci d e to put a chapter of a bo o k up, for feed b a c k or just to sho w off, what's to stop so m e fello w fro m do w n l o a d i n g it, nickin g the © [editor -- use (c) copyright symbol here, or just use the word copyright] sy m b o l off, and passing it off as his o w n?

The editor disagr e e d . He kne w his e m pl o y er had an ar my of lawy ers ready to sic on any net- surfer wh o so mu c h as loo k e d at their data the wr on g way. I lifted my coff e e cup to hi m, and allo w e d that I hop e d it was never an issue for either of us.

But it's already too late. People are stealing so mu c h so often and so heedl essly that half of the m aren't even awar e that it is theft. A respect ed Chicag o Sun-Ti m es editorial writer, Mark Hornung, resign e d wh en it was reveal e d that an editorial of his about the balanc e d budg et am e n d m e n t contain ed five senten c e s m or e or less verbati m fro m a Washington Post editorial.

It was a painful disgrac e for hi m, but I can ima gin e exactly ho w it happen e d . He stared to write his o w n editorial, got stuck, do w n l o a d e d a half doz en editorials fro m other papers, to see what other peopl e wer e saying, sa w on e he liked, bl o c k- m o v e d it to his o w n onscr e e n docu m e n t, and told hi ms elf that he w oul d play with the text the next day and paraphras e it until it was "his o w n ." But he got busy, or struck his head, and never ma d e the appropriate chang e s to the borr o w e d text.

I am doin g the exact sa m e thing right no w, loo kin g at an Associated Press ne ws c lip on the Hornung affair that I pluck ed fro m the net so I could get my facts right here. Unless I give the AP credit (which I here by do), I'm swi m m i n g in the sa m e br oth as Mr. Hornung.

I guess I have always been pretty relaxed about plagiaris m. For years I thoug ht the w or d ca m e fro m the French plage , for bea c h. I thoug ht if you pick ed up a seash ell and took it ho m e , that was plagiaris m. It turns out the correct root is the Latin plagium , for kidnappin g. That's -- very different.

Anyway, textfile imp ortati on is not the way we like to think journalis m is co m m i tt e d, but it's not that far fro m standard op erating proc e d ur e. Editorialists aren't god s. They're not burning with pre- set opini on s, just waiting for an issue to walk by so they can sto m p it to death. At least, I hop e not. It is m or e likely they are peopl e wh o have to study up a lot to sound co m p et e nt on a for mi d a b l y wid e spectru m of

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issues. It's their job to kn o w what the Post , Times , and Carbun cl e- Pro cu r e r are saying.

It's pleasant to affect the air of bein g o m n is ci e nt, but in fact every o n e is w or kin g hard and running scared. To wa k e up on e m or nin g and find yourself in your o w n paper's headlin es is every journalist's w orst night m ar e.

It is not the techn ol o g y's fault, exactly. What Hornung did was lazy and stupid and, by definition, unoriginal. His fault, all the way. But co m p ut er techn ol o g y enc oura g e s us to ma k e liars of ourselv e s. Think of it as entrap m e nt. By bein g so fast and so po w erful and so impressiv e, co m p ut ers allo w us to sound like mu c h m or e than we are.

So a on e- pers on co m p a n y can put out docu m e n ts as high- quality as Exxon. Some fly- by- night law firm can antag onize 70 milli on Internet users instantane ously with the touch of a key. Or an editorialist can inhale a state m e nt by anoth er paper, and exhal e on e of his or her o w n , that is only a little different. It is shab b y, and we are all doin g it to so m e degr e e.

You kn o w what is the w orst part, thoug h? It's that techn ol o g y drives up the expe ctations e m pl o y er s and custo m e r s have of us. With that PC, fax m o d e m , laser printer and scann er in front of you, sure, you can do the w or k six peopl e did a deca d e ag o. Your e m pl o y er then uses that produ ctivity gain to trim the w or kf or c e, may b e including peopl e that used to chec k on you, to ma k e sure you didn't "exc e e d para m et ers" on ethics or quality.

So there you are, w or kin g yourself till you are blithering, with out supervisi on or colla b o r ati on, and so o n er or later your judg m e nt falters, or you take an ugly shortcut, and your career takes a sharp turn to the south w e st.

But all that time you wer e spinning like a dervish, deliv erin g the value of six e m pl o y e e s , you wer e never paid like six e m pl o y e e s . You wer e paid like on e well- paid e m pl o y e e . Period.

OK, may b e it's not Oliver Twist, but it's still a little poignant, isn't it? I'm not bla mi n g e m pl o y er s, either. Everyon e's trying their best to co m p et e. In a glo b al ec on o m y , there's no plac e to hide, thanks to you- kn o w - whats.

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The age of excuses

There is nothing as preci ous as a go o d excus e, and techn ol o g y gives us a milli on of the m.

Kids are the best excus e- ma k ers, bec aus e kids need excus es m or e than any on e. Not only do you m e s s up a lot, but so ma ny con diti ons of your existenc e truly are outside your control. If your pet pit bull deci d es to maul your bo o k report with his rear cuspids, there's not mu c h you can do about it.

Already, kids in the infor m ati on age are ma kin g the nec essary adjust m e nts.

"Lightning hit our hous e and our surge suppress er failed to suppress the surge. Boy, is Dad disapp ointed."

"My sister tipped my Big Gulp onto the key b o ar d."

"I hit the wr on g button wh en I saved it. I hop e hexad e c i m a l is OK."

"The only font that was w or kin g in Windo w s was Cyrillic."

"I did the assign m e n t but we ran out of continu ous feed paper, so I wasn't able to print it."

"Squirrels nibbl e d throug h our trunk lines."

"My dad installed a co m p r es si o n utility last we e k and Mom says we w o n't be using the co m p ut er for a long time no w."

"I accid entally copi ed the first draft, whic h was 1 0 0 0 w or d s long, ov er the final draft. So no w I'm short about 98 0 w or d s. My m o m said it was real go o d , thoug h. You could call her. But she's in Japan."

"The Mailer- Daem o n returned my e- mail. Here's sixty lines of head ers sho w i n g ho w my ho m e w o r k got stack ed up ov er The Seychelles by a rogu e asynchr on o u s net w or k router."

"Your fax ma c hin e w oul dn't shak e hands with my fax ma c hin e." [See, it's al m o st your fault.]

I count five separate sets of excus es. The first, and m o st reliabl e, is acts of God -- the dog ate it, lightning kn oc k e d out a substation near my ho m e , I bo ot e d up and my entire hard disk was mysteri ously erased. There's not mu c h peopl e can say to this sort of excus e, so long as they aren't every day oc curren c e s, in whic h case you may need a note fro m your parents.

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The sec o n d type is system failure : so m et hin g that was supp os e d to w or k didn't. The .INI file was corrupt, the battery died, the electr ons wer e stale, etc. This type of excus e w or ks well -- every o n e appreciates this kind of frustration.

The third is design failure : so m et hin g that was supp os e d to allo w you to do w or k instead destroy e d it: a faulty File Manager feature, bad docs, a print function that mysteri ously erases files instead. It wasn't your fault, it was so m e nerd co m m i tt e e in Sausalito's.

A fourth wrinkl e is the brand name excu s e . I bou g ht a clon e instead of an IBM. My Pentium was a fake. God help m e, I didn't ch o o s e AT&T [or FedEx, or The Club]." Thinking peopl e will not acc ept this excus e, but you may be able to coax the corp orati on into paying you for the testi m o n i al.

Finally -- and this is a cutting ed g e excus e, not universally acc ept ed as yet -- there is the excu s e by dismis s a l . My co m p ut er was do w n -- you didn't expe ct m e to do this assign m e n t by hand, did you? I left my calculator in my other shirt poc k et. The only w or d proc es s or availabl e to m e was DOS-bas ed. Thes e excus es carry consid era bl e wei g ht with thos e wh o share your co m p utin g values -- but may fall flat with the wh en- I-was- your- age set.

And they are the probl e m . Clearly, the prop ositi on that nothing is ever your fault will raise the hackl es of pers on al resp onsi bility ma v e n s. There will be editorials, there will be call- in progra m s , there will proba bl y be multi m e d i a CD-ROM w or ks h o p s, all addressin g the issue of our age: What can be don e about creepin g excusis m?

To the m we proffer the best excus e of all:

Hey, we didn't ask to be born.

Stolen wares

Thanks to Michael Fay, we have co m e to think of Singapor e as a no- nons ens e plac e wh er e mal efa ct ors are quickly impress e d with the rule of law. Or is it the yardstick of law.

But there's m or e. Singapor e, Malaysia, China and even Vietna m are a hive of soft war e piracy. You can go into any soft war e store in Singapor e and a clerk will direct you to pirated copi es of Lotus 1- 2- 3, (which retails here for $2 2 5), priced at about a dollar a disk.

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Not a lot of end users are exercis e d about soft war e piracy. There is a sens e am o n g ma ny peopl e that the soft war e industry has helped cause the erosi on of its o w n intellectual prop erty efforts. Disks are easy to copy, data to do w n l o a d , scan. Protection sche m e s have long sinc e been aband o n e d . How can lo w- tech polic e efforts quell all the high- tech swapping on?

Part of the vitality of our age is an outla w attitude towar d the old rules. If you think about it, techn ol o g y is all about defying rules, and the pri ma c y of the individual. Rock and roll attitude, rock and roll techn ol o g y .

The share w ar e phen o m e n o n -- legally do w n l o a d i n g soft war e progra m s for evaluation purpos es -- adds to the so m e w h a t childish insistenc e that tools should be free. The fast lane of swapping and copyin g is the techn ol o g i c a l equival ent of rock and roll.

I have in my hands -- no, no w I'm putting it do w n -- a wei g hty press kit fro m the Software Publishers Associati on. The SPA is the soft war e industry's main trade asso ciati on, but also the entity entrusted with the task of nabbin g pirates w orl d w i d e . The SPA descri b e s four classes of piracy:

ƒ Counterfeiting, Singapor e- style -- duplicating the progra m s and packa gin g of a produ ct.

ƒ Hard disk loadin g -- wh er e your co m p ut er deal er fills your disk with go o d i e s , to seal the sale.

ƒ Mode m piracy -- wh er e you do w n l o a d a copy of Micros oft Word fro m your local bulletin board.

Less piratical licens e infractions -- but still painful to the industry -- includ e business es buying on e copy of WordPerfect and installing it on 1 0 0 ma c hin es, and the co m m o n practice of friends sharing soft war e.

Now, I kn o w a lot of peopl e wh o are not br ou g ht to tears at the thoug ht of Bill Gates bes et, Gulliverlik e, by a swar m of Singapor ean pirates and American teena g ers. In fact, they do w nri g ht cotton to the idea.

Gates and the soft war e industry have been selling packa g e s of paper and plastic for about $ 1 5 0 a pound no w for 1 5 years. Software is a $60 billion industry w orl d w i d e . Gates pays an entire divisi on just to peel his grapes. Who's ripping off wh o m? Where are the victi ms of soft war e piracy?

Well, the soft war e industry hires a lot of peopl e, and they are not burg er flippers. By any m e a sur e, it is on e of the few industries in whic h the U.S. has a secure

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footh ol d, and that provi d es lots of high- paying jobs. European soft war e is a topic for polite tittering, and Japan is still playing catch up with us.

Piracy is especially invidi ous to smaller soft war e co m p a ni es, that have sunk everything into a single produ ct. That produ ct may have the potential to succ e e d in a free mark et, and even take on the big co m p a ni es and their cod e- hea vy standards. But not if its revenu e strea m is ch o k e d off at birth in a mark et of thieves.

Second, for every copy of a progra m that is stolen, the price of the regular versi on must inch upward a tiny bit. Devel op m e n t costs are inescapa bly high, and must be paid by the only party that can pay for such things -- us. Devel op m e n t costs are why the paper and plastic costs so mu c h. Piracy only adds to the per- unit cost.

Now, it could be argued that business soft war e in the last three years has been driving the greatest produ ctivity increas e in U.S. business sinc e the cotton gin -- gains achiev e d in part thanks to "free" soft war e. Few ma na g ers are fired for seekin g out corn er- cutting ec on o m i e s . So pirated progra m s are go o d for the ec on o m y as a wh ol e , right?

But that's rationalization. I conf ess, I have swapp e d progra m s with friends in the past. Then I used thos e progra m s to ma k e m o n e y . In my min d, I couldn't afford to buy a ne w copy of Ventura Publisher or The Norton Utilities. Of course, not spendin g m o n e y on the m m e a nt I had extra chang e for my antique auto m o b i l e coll ecti on.

I suspect that the real reas on to do right by Bill Gates has nothing to do with Bill Gates and everything to do with on es elf. Thoug h the rules are square, and rationalizations co m e fast and furious, so m et hin g sad happens wh en we sidestep the little dec e n c i e s like paying for things.

Employ e e s see that the boss es are cheating, and feel entitled to cheat against the m. Custo m er s see that you take short cuts, and w o n d er what short cuts you take with the m. And so it go es.

We proba bl y don't notic e any striking differen c e in our m or al life. Remo vin g mattress tags does not lead to vehicular ho m i c i d e . But that's just it -- we don't notic e, and we should. Then on e day you are riding in the back seat of our lim ou sin e and a Harry Chapin son g co m e s on about the m or al freefall that results fro m these little short cuts -- and you say, Hey, that's my partner Murray!

So next time a friend or fa mily m e m b e r offers to let you copy a progra m , do the right thing -- call the SPA hotline at 80 0- 38 8- 747 8, turn the m in. A little time in the hole will do w o n d er s to awak e n their sens e of the bless e d interc on n e ct e d n e s s of things. Maybe not do mu c h for your relationship, thoug h.

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Better w oul d be, next time you are offer ed a free ride on the latest versi on of the hottest and co ol e st and best, to just say no. Not for Bill Gates, but for you.

Lying to ourselves

Techn ol o g y is like a canc er that eats away at the souls of certain kinds of users. The ma ni c class of users, gen erally including po w er users and questers, is pron e to the w orst kinds of delusi ons, especially in the area of techn ol o g y acquisition. Believe m e, I speak fro m experien c e.

When we really want so m et hin g -- a ne w m o d e m , a progra m , a teleph o n e heads et, whatev er -- we will not rest until we have it our hands. It does n't matter if it m e a n s spendin g foo d m o n e y , or diaper servic e m o n e y . Techn ol o g y is like bo oz e. We get ho o k e d on it. We need to fill our cups. All we need. we keep saying, is on e m or e do o d a d . Yet a superstor eful of do o d a d s w oul d not be en ou g h.

Fortunately, and understanda bly, m o st co m p ut er enthusiasts never marry. I was on e of the lucky on es. I married in 1 9 8 3 to a highly rational, smartly assertive w o m a n . It w oul d be a full year bef or e I bou g ht my first co m p ut er, and the lies w oul d begin.

I re m e m b e r we wer e sitting in the living roo m . We had finished supper. I was readin g a Radio Shack br oc hur e that had co m e in the mail. I turned to Rachel and said, "Red, I have to have on e of these things."

"Why?" she asked.

"'Why? '" That was so like her. "Honey, think of the produ ctivity it will give my w or k," I explain ed. "Instead of endlessly doin g drafts, I can finish three projects in the time on e no w takes." (Note: The first critical translation co m p ut er rationalizers ma k e is fro m lazines s to productivity . Successful co m p ut er lies lean hea vily on this noti on.)

The die was cast. I shelled out a hard- earned $2,7 0 0 for my first mi cr o, a dual drive, 64K Franklin Ace 1 2 0 0 with a 1 0 cps daisy w h e e l printer. For we e k s I revel e d in its editability, its ability to print out cons e c utive drafts with out smu d g e s, with out White- Out, with out tears. I was ecstatic. For a we e k or so. Then I got that feeling again, a deep, sha m e ful hank ering. "Darling," I told my wife, "the m or e I think about it, we really need a m o d e m . "

"We do?"

I laugh ed. I think it was the pron oun ch oi c e . "Yes, hon ey. A co m p ut er with out a m o d e m is like an unfinish ed sy mp h o n y -- isolated, sever e d , a brain in a petrie dish. I

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just feel that we're not connecting , I want to reach out to the wh ol e w orl d of infor m ati on, and m e et ne w peopl e in strang e lands. I feel this urgent social need that has heret of or e gon e un m et."

She loo k e d at m e funny, but she didn't say no. So I spent m or e m o n e y , bou g ht a 30 0 bps m o d e m . Then learned that the w orl d of data that was out there charg e d by the minute like a taxica b. One m or e I went to Rachel. "Sweetie, there's a br oc hur e I'd like to sho w you, fro m the go o d peopl e at CompuServe. Using this servic e, I'll never have to visit the library again. We can sell our ency cl o p e d i as. Just think of the parking and gas costs we'll be saving. Our car will proba bl y last anoth er m o nth bec aus e of this. You kn o w what this translates to, don't you?"

"Productivity, right?" Clever girl.

Well, you can ima gin e what has happen e d in the intervenin g deca d e. I have purchas ed four deskt op PCs, plus a gift PC for my br oth er (wh o, bein g a drea m e r , sold it), plus two laptops, four dot matrix printers, two laser printers, two scann ers, five m o d e m s , two CD-ROMs and sound cards, five m o n it ors, two fax ma c hin es, twelv e teleph o n e s and three lines, a doz en mi c e and a switch b o x in a pear tree.

I needed it all. And Rachel let m e have it. In the go o d sens e.

Here is a brief list of exc ell ent reas on s for buying hard war e or soft war e, whic h I co m m e n d to all ma ni c users with a spous e to persuad e:

Saves steps. New stuff tends to be m or e integrated than old stuff. The progra m s in Lotus SmartSuite interact with on e anoth er mu c h m or e sea m l e s sly and m or e efficiently than a hod g e p o d g e of progra m s fro m different co m p a ni es. The beauty of step- saving as a rationale is that, if your spous e w o n't let you do it the soft war e route, you can try hard war e. "You're right, hon ey, what was I thinking. I'll just get the 1 2 m e g a b yt e SIMMs card instead and then it w o n't matter what progra m s I'm running." What a fool I've been."

Pays for itself. Unless your yen is for a registered versi on of Doo m II, just about any purchas e can be defen d e d as an invest m e nt.

Provides a competitive advantage. This is great if your spous e hasn't mu c h confid en c e in you to begin with. "Honey, techn ol o g y is my ed g e. If I lose that, all I have to offer is my talent." A little tough on your o w n self- estee m , but a trump card in a tight situation.

Takes business to 'higher level.' Weak, dod d erin g, old co m p ut ers just ma d e you a faster typist. Sprightly, multitasking ne w co m p ut ers may con c ei v a b l y liberate you fro m m e nial tasks and free you to be the big- picture entrepren eur you always drea m e d

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of. Great techn ol o g y chang e s peopl e impl e m e n t ers to executives! Make your o w n info m e r c i als!

Prices may never be this low again. That's a go o d on e. Practice bef or e a mirr or so you can keep a straight face.

Let's make a deal. Tie your co m p ut er purchas e (and its produ ctivity and theref or e inc o m e enhan c e m e n t s) to so m et hin g your spous e wants. "Tell you what. First $ 1 0 0 I ma k e with the ne w ma c hin e, we go shoppin g for that Hoover you've had your heart set on. It's a win/win deal all the way."

Give me a gigabyte or give me death. This ploy rec o g niz es that the two m o st effective m oti vat ors are irrational -- fear and guilt. You w or k hard for a living -- why add to that terrible burd en, and possi bly shortenin g your life expe ctan cy, quite possi bly dying alon e, face mas h e d against a cold key b o ar d, by denying you a few easily- afforda bl e, produ ctivity- enhan cin g tools?

Here's anoth er techni qu e I pick ed up. Packag e arrives by UPS. You op en it up, may b e you say, "Gee, I w o n d er what this could be." Inside is a ne w m ot h er b o a r d to upgrad e your Pentium to a P6. Your lip starts to sweat, just thinking about the po w er. Spouse gives you that forl orn weary- of- the- war loo k. You slap your foreh ea d . "Oh, I kn o w what this is, it's that 30- day trial deal, wh er e b y you get to use it for a m o nth, then you send it back. Hey, it'll be fun op erating at 1 2 0 MHz for 30 days."

Let's say spous e isn't 1 0 0 % con vin c e d by all this. "You're not goin g to keep it then?"

"Gosh, no. I'm just taking this co m p a n y for a ride, hon ey. Oh, I supp os e, if in the course of testing the thing I found that it ena bl e d m e to ma k e stagg erin g gains in productivity , then I mi g ht consid er keepin g it. But if that's so, then it pays for itself, right? Otherwis e, it's no troubl e at all to und o these eight scre w s at the back of the CPU box, disc on n e ct every cabl e and wire, re m o v e all the expansi on boards, unsnap the m ot h er b o a r d , replac e the ne w 86 0 m e g hard disk I also ord er e d for 30 days' trial with the old on e, pop the board back into the box, scre w the pathetic old co m p ut er back tog eth er, and send the ne w on e back to thos e po or saps. What could be easier?"

Support, particularly inexpert supp ort, is imp ortant, especially wh en the subject is too technical to explain. Once Red wanted to kn o w why it was w orth $ 1, 1 0 0 to upgrad e fro m a 486 to a Pentium. "Let's say you're writing a colu m n on a 486- 66- 2 DX," she said. "How will a faster chip speed help you finish the article any faster? How will it get you paid any faster?"

Now, I could have sat her do w n , smile d benig nly, and said "Rachel, Rachel, Rachel," and told her all the co m p li c ate d reas on s, arith m eti c includ ed, why an

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increas e in CPU speed enhan c e s produ ctivity, whic h creates an incre m e n tal m o m e n tu m that courses throug h o ut the entire business enterprise, with the ben efits trickling directly do w n to our hous eh o l d financ es. A rising tide lifts all ships, etc.

But I'd already tried that onc e bef or e. Instead I just say, "Sweeth eart, it has nothing to do with CPU speed. It has to do with maintaining parity with the co m p etiti on. What was it Poor Richard said, 'For want of a nail, the war was lost?' You save a little here, balk at a few pennies invest m e nt there, and on e day you wa k e up and every o n e else has gon e on ahea d, and left you behind, in the past, wall o w i n g in obs ol e s c e n c e .

"Is that what you want, for us to go do w n in fla m e s bec aus e we wer en't for war d-thinking en ou g h to ma k e a tiny invest m e nt in our future? Because if it is, I'll return this board right no w, and get a refund, and we'll all of us -- you, m e, the kids -- go shoppin g for m etal detect ors right no w."

If every techni qu e I have offer ed here co m e s to naught, if you thro w your best argu m e nts into the fray and they crash and burn, there is on e last- ditch rec ours e, to be used only wh en all other atte mpts fail.

Tell the truth. Put all your cards on the table. Admit you have a probl e m with techn ol o g y , that you are no long er in control of your life, that you are po w erl ess in the face of mail ord er catal o g s and thos e ultra- suave superstor e sales clerks. And get do w n on your knees and beg for this final indulg en c e today, and pro m i s e upon the graves of your ancest ors that you will seek out and avail yourself of professi on al help, and the guidanc e of a high er po w er --

To m o rr o w .

The sad state of computer humor

I was rec ently asked to contribute to a bo o k of co m p ut er hu m o r. I must conf ess that I was a little put off by the request. Did the editors see m e as so m e sort of techn ol o g i c a l court jester? Was I funny like a clo w n? Is that what they're saying?

The invitation sugg est ed to m e that my strategy to position mys elf as a serious, ultra- co m p et e nt techn ol o g i c a l guru need s a little w or k.

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"Machines have no sense of humor,

and I can't stand to live in a world

with no sense of humor, no sense of irony,

where everything is literal.

That's hell."

PAUL FUSSELL 72

But this isn't about m e. It's about ho w a maj or area of our cultural life -- co m p ut ers and such -- fits into our vie w of the w orl d.

What is it about co m p ut ers and techn ol o g y , that we can't all join in a co m m o n belly- laugh about the m?

When I think of co m p ut er hu m o r, I instinctively think of ma g azin e carto o n s fro m the 1 9 6 0 s , in whic h a white- coated technician gets a funny printout fro m a mainfra m e . The jok e is that the co m p ut er never see m s to acc ept its role as servant. It wants to rule, or w ors e, be love d . This tradition continues today with Ziggy carto o n s, whic h are so m eti m e s about co m p ut ers. To m e, they are so for mulaic, a big laugh is imp o s si bl e .

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Milton Berle's Greatest Computer Jokes73

A computer salesman came into a company and showed the president how his computer was more efficient than their old one. The president said, "Yours is a heck of a deal, but we can't get rid of the old one. It knows too much!"

Our company has an old computer. It runs on candles.

A young male computer and a female computer met at a computer show. The female computer offered the male an Apple. The male asked, "Is your name Eve?"

We have one man who runs programs for computers. Last week he ran Dumbo, and the week before, Fantasia.

Our computer is down so often it has canvas burns.

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The company I work for is so stressful the computer has an ulcer.

They've finally come up with the perfect computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Sad to say, I think I only kn o w on e funny co m p ut er jok e, and it is really a peopl e jok e:

Q. What is the differen c e between a used car salesp e r s on and a computer salesp e r s on ?

A. The car salesp e r s on knows he's lying.

Why is this the only on e? What topic better illustrates the prof oun d shift we are experien cin g in our soci ety? It was ob vi o u sly a topic better min ds than min e have already consid er e d .

I deci d e d to research the topic. I TELNETed area public libraries and loo k e d up "c o m p ut er hu m o r," "c o m p ut er jok es," and "techn ol o g y rib- ticklers" in their key w o r d databas es. And got nothing.

I tried the Library of Congress, and was luckier. There is a bo o k called Computer Humor , by Donald D. Spencer, Camel ot Publishing, 1 9 9 4 -- 96 pag es, with 26 illustrations. Sounds like an update of my old mainfra m e carto o n s. And this intriguing entry: A Gep Is Embe r (The Computer Is Human) , a co m p e n d iu m of winning entries in the Hungarian- bas ed International Comp etition for Cartoons, publish ed in Budapest by Neumann Jan Szamitog e ptud o m a n y i Tarsasag, 1 9 8 8 .

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"I went out and bought an Apple computer.

It had a worm in it.

I tell you, I don't get no respect."

RODNEY DANGERFIELD74

I tried anoth er tack, pulling a scor e of regular jok e bo o k s fro m the shelv es and loo kin g up co m p ut ers, techn ol o g y , etc. in the index es. I was indignant to find only about elev e n jok es in ov er 5,0 0 0 pag es. And the level of hu m o r in these elev e n was -- well, read and we e p:

ƒ The company I work for is so stres s ful even the computer has an ulcer.

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ƒ Our computer is down so often it has canva s burns.

This w oul d never do. Another possi bility was the "Abort, Retry, Fail?" feature on the last pag e of every issue of PC Magazine . But this isn't really hu m o r. It's m o stly a coll ecti on of ads and headlin es that sho w that the paste- up artist didn't kn o w ho w a m o u s e is used or a copy writer misus ed so m e ter min ol o g y . The "Abort, Retry, Fail?" secti on laughs at thos e of us struggling to keep up -- the drea m e r s, questers, w orriers and techn o p h o b e s . The Laurels and Hardys of the co m p ut er w orl d.

When all else fails, wh er e must on e loo k? The Internet. I ski m m e d the World Wide Web for co m p ut er hu m o r. Sure en ou g h, there wer e tons of hu m o r o u s ho m e pag es, funny qu otati ons, spo of s, puns and vign ettes.

Proble m was, it was all techie hu m o r -- you have to be an adept to get the jok es. Hundreds of Pentium jok es, hack ers' daffynitions, "Bill-Gates- Goes- to- Hell" fables, hilarious error m e s sa g e s ("The nano bit es are in full- scale rebelli on!") and even m or e hilarious acrony m s (MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes; If Not, The Operating System Hangs).

This stuff has its m o m e n t s, but it is m o stly only funny to the initiated few. If you stop and ask yourself, "Would Dickie Flatts or any averag e pers on laugh at this mat erial?" The ans w er is a very sob er, very e m p h atic no.

Which gets us to the very heart of the co m p ut er hu m o r predica m e n t. Techn ol o g y , unlike other topics, is not a universally shared thing. If a big fat bank er slips on a banana peel, every o n e, exc ept a small but robust handful in the financial co m m u n ity, will bust out laughin g. You've got a bank er, a banana, and a behind -- it can't miss.

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Acronyms

Ever wonder what the letters in the computer names come from? Here are some irreverent proposals, culled from the best technological wits hanging from their toes on the entire Internet.

APPLE: As Processor Ponders, Lose Everything

DEC: Dump Everything and Close

MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent, Complete and Rigorous Operating System OF Today

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NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash

SUN: Such Utter Nonsense

WARP: What A Rotten Program

But in the w orl d of techn ol o g y , it's never certain wh o the bad guy is (after Bill Gates, that is), or wh eth er the banana peel is his ne m e s is or ours.

Techi es ma kin g fun of du m b innoc e nt users is funny in a bitter sort of way to the techies. We've already dealt with the pain the techn o naturals carry with the m throug h life. Their sca br ous hu m o r dra ws on all their pain and unappreciated expertise. But it leav es the rest of us cold. Making fun of so m e doc- writing devil in Rango o n experi m e ntin g with the English languag e lets us express our frustration with bad docu m e n tati on. It's cathartic. But it isn't especially funny, and an unattractive chauvinis m seeps throug h.

It see m s to m e that go o d hu m o r enga g e s pain, and the best hu m o r reflects back on on es elf. The peopl e of the Soviet Union had a great genius for expressing their frustrations with their syste m in hu m o r -- they even had to stand in line to sho ot Gorbach e v , re m e m b e r?

Wouldn't it be great if we could trans mut e our frustrations and resent m e nts with our ma c hin es into that kind of earthy, robust belly- laughin g hu m o r?

Computers, bec aus e they say what we wish the m to say, reveal what our wish es are. When we wrap up our little bedr o o m business es in the grand eur of business- ese, we reveal our am biti ons, and our insecurities. When we prattle on about the infor m ati on age, and techn o de m o c r a c y, we reveal our deep hop es for a better, wis er, fairer w orl d -- and our deter m i n ati on to be the first to get there.

Or is that an imp o s si bility in a soci ety too split bet w e e n winn ers and losers, and too he m m e d in by political correctn ess to thu m b our nos es at a blinking box?

OK, try this on e. A rabbi, an elephant, and a UNIX progra m m e r walk into a bar....

What industry and government must do

Study the changin g nature of intellectual prop erty in an age of data proliferati on. If the old controls are slipping away, due to techn ol o g y and glo b alization, then we need ne w understandin gs on what is an what isn't per missi bl e. People wh o create things des er v e to be co m p e n s at e d for their efforts -- but the current syste m of royalties and protecti on s is proba bl y not up to the task.

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Create techn ol o g i c a l safeguards wh er e feasibl e. Security experts cann ot build a firewall around everything of value, but they can restrict acc ess to peopl e wh o bel on g in a given area, and wh o are acc ounta bl e for their beha vi or.

Set an exa m p l e by halting "vap or w ar e " offerings -- produ cts offer ed and even de m o n strated bef or e they exist, in ord er to evaluate consu m e r de m a n d .

Compani es expe ctin g ethical beha vi or fro m their e m pl o y e e s must first m o d e l it: by respecting the privacy of e m pl o y e e e- mail; by disc oura gin g espi ona g e , cheating, and unfair advantag es; and by indicating in every way that the cultural expe ctations of the organization, its assign e e s and ven d or s, are of fair play and straight dealing.

What you can do in the meantime

The co m p ut er industry, thoug h it feasts on the proclivities of hu ma n nature, has no po w er to impr o v e it. You proba bl y can't do mu c h about it, either. But you still have the levera g e of assess m e n t and self- correcti on.

ƒ If the charg e is that co m p utin g is ma kin g you less hu ma n, assess the charg e as it relates to you. Do you find you are acting m or e like a fascist than bef or e you beg a n using co m p ut ers? Are you crueler? More dish on e st? More pron e to cri minal acts? My guess is that you are not, and a lot of this is a canard laid upon us by essayists that can't find their reset buttons.

ƒ Does your type lend itself to m or al imp etu ousn ess? Obsessiv e types such as po w er users and questers have a tend en c y to da m n the torped o e s , and charg e straight into ethically questi on a bl e waters. Thes e peopl e need to be especially careful of crossin g the lines of acc epta bl e beha vi or.

ƒ If you want to use so m et hin g so m e o n e else created, ask the m. You will be surprised at ho w individuals are to sharing their kn o w l e d g e -- and ho w reluctant corp orati ons are.

ƒ If you don't kn o w so m et hin g, say so. In an infor m ati on age, there is no sha m e in not havin g infor m ati on, only for bein g unwilling to go get it.

ƒ Share credit. One of the weird aspects of kn o w l e d g e is that repeated truth has m or e credi bility than original truth. If I pers on ally m o u nt the pulpit and declare that the end- user should have a voi c e in produ ct design, peopl e will ya wn. If I say, "As quality guru Joseph Juran taught us, quality is in the eyes of the custo m e r ," peopl e will at

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least give it a m o m e n t's consid erati on. Give credit wh er e it is due, and it reb oun d s in your directi on.

Marginal matter, Chapter 9

DECEPTIONPA R A D O X #9

Techn ol o g y cann ot lie, but it can easily ma k e a liar out of you.

1975 The Altair 8800 Microcomputer is the first "personal computer," offered in kit form by a company in New Mexico called MITS. It was just a CPU with switches -- no keyboard, no storage, no programs, and only enough memory to contain a couple dozen lines of code. But hobbyists went nuts for it, and it set the stage for the Apple II.

1975 Two guys in Seattle buy a tiny little operating system, buff it up a little, and sell it to Altair. Their names are Bill Gates and Paul Allen.

1976 Gary Kildall develops CP/M, the operating system that ruled the world, until IBM tapped Gates' MS-DOS for its new personal computer. The choice of Microsoft over Kildall's Digital Research was one of the epochal moments in PC history. Legend has it that when IBM came calling, Kildall was out flying his airplane. Digital Research, acquired later by Novell,

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would seek some measure of revenge with its clone operating system DR-DOS.

telepresence. In virtual reality, this is the effect in which the user is completely immersed in the illusion created by the program. The user wears a datasuit and dataglasses, and every move he makes in real space occurs in the world he is experiencing through the computer.

test stages. Before being released to the general public, software products go through several stages. The first is the vapor stage, during which the product is merely an idea in someone's head, but the company accepts orders for it anyway. The second is the alpha stage, in which a very buggy preliminary version is sent out to important customers, to trash their data and waste their time. Then comes beta stage, in which the same process is inflicted on hundreds or even thousands of innocent people. Finally there is the official release, in which no one is spared.

user-friendly. An adjective appended to any feature in which the user has not been consulted.

"Technological society has succeeded

in multiplying the opportunities for pleasure,

but it has great difficulty in generating joy."

POPE PAUL VI75

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"At the source of every error which is blamed

on the computer you will find at least

two human errors,

including the error of

blaming it on the computer."

ANONYMOUS76

"The search for technological progress is no longer

a means, but has become an end in itself,

escaping from human control and dominating man, alienating

us from ourselves, our society,

and our environment."

VARTAN GREGORIAN, President of Brown University77

"Ther n' is no werkman whatever he be,

That may both werken wel and hastily.

This wol be done at leisure parfitly."

CHAUCER78

"Computing gives us every incentive

to be skeptical."

JOHN SCULLEY79

"Ease and speed in doing a thing

do not give the work lasting solidity

or exactness of beauty."

PLUTARCH80

"Technology seems to be leading

to an idle new world

in which consumers are instantly gratified

and yet never satisfied."

ANTHONY RAMIREZ8 1

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"Expert systems represent the formalization

of procedures that can be encoded into software and

replicated easily and cheaply.

But will these systems ever be able to codify

what philosopher Michael Polanyi called

'tacit knowledge' -- the insights we gain

from intuition and long experience?"

DANIEL BELL8 2

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Chapt e r 1 0

The worst that can happen, and what if it does

ELIMINATING THE DISTANCE BETWEEN TECHNOLOGY AND USER

The future is readying a raft of social and technological problems that will make today seem like the good old days; some snapshots of what is heading our way, concluding with an inspiring exhortation to get with the program.

Historians love disasters, and they have been especially go o d at chroni clin g the disastrous cons e q u e n c e s of e m er g in g techn ol o g i e s . You don't need to loo k at rec ent history, Hiroshi m a or Cherno byl, to ma k e this point. Fro m the da wn of civilization, wh en peopl e built bridg es to cross rivers so they could co m m u n i c at e, trade and learn fro m on e anoth er, thos e bridg es have collaps ed, leavin g peopl e to w o n d er what they wer e thinking of, trying to cross raging rivers on so m e crazy rope and board scaff ol din g.

With the rise of cities ca m e burna bl e buildings, and m or e outcries of distress with the ne w ways. With each advan c e -- trains, planes, ato mi c energy -- peopl e have been horrified at the po w er unleash e d. Infor mati on techn ol o g y is no different.

Every techn ol o g y , including thos e that go on to save and enhan c e milli on s of lives, go es throug h a period wh er e it ma k e s peopl e's lives hell. After the initial shoc k, the suffering subsid es so m e w h a t, and peopl e start to ma k e peac e with the ideas e m b e d d e d in the ne w techn ol o g y .

This bo o k so far has focus ed on the hazards of co m p utin g in our o w n time -- debt, disability, do w n time and every day despair. But what about the clouds still for min g on the horiz on, to m o rr o w ' s probl e m s and challen g e s, whic h will ma k e today's see m quaint?

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"The future was predictable --

though very few predicted it."

ALLEN KAY, Apple Computer research fellow8 3

This chapter loo k s at just a few of the techn ol o g y wa v e s that are still far fro m shor e, but steadily building in m o m e n tu m . Some of the m are so outrag e o u s and alien in con c e pt and orientation that they strain the brain trying to "ma k e peac e" with the m. How will we inc orp orate the m into our w or k and lives? What will they m e a n to you? How will soci ety abs or b their impa ct? And whatev er will bec o m e , in a hypertec hn o age, of peopl e wh o are already havin g probl e m s abs or bi n g today's chang e s?

Whatever will be

The near future will be like the present, only m or e so. Where the last fifteen years wer e about pers on al co m p utin g and pers on al produ ctivity, the next fifteen or thirty will focus on net w or k s. Imagine a w orl d crisscr oss e d ma ny, ma ny times at every point by silvery we b b i n g . Along this we b passes every con c ei v a b l e kind of infor m ati on -- m o v i e s , phon e calls, sales pitches, love letters, vid e o calls, onlin e ency cl o p e d i as, financial infor m ati on, live con c erts, fax trans missi o n s, ma g azin e subscriptions, peopl e buying and selling go o d s and servic es, peopl e deliv erin g thos e go o d s and servic es in digital for m.

Everyon e that can afford on e, the top third of the social pyra mi d, will have a portabl e do- everything ma c hin e, like Dick Tracy's fabled two- way wrist radi o, that will so m e h o w kn o w ho w to create, trans mit, rec ei v e and catal o g all this infor m ati on. Some of these folks will zip around in their fancy aircars, doin g everything at onc e and revelin g in the m o d e r nity of it all. For the m, the w orl d will be hea v en.

Then there will be a mi d dl e third of the pyra mi d. This group that will have acc ess to these things, but w o n't be able to use the m exc ept to do a few pri mitively si mpl e things, like tell time and phon e ho m e . We'll chi m e in on the techn o con v ersati ons during thos e oc c a si o n s wh en we actually m e et other peopl e -- but we w o n't really kn o w what we're talking about. We will be techn o phoni es, terrified the techn o naturals will see throug h us and exp os e us.

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2020 vision

Besides our hand- held gad g ets, we will also have m or e per ma n e nt installations at ho m e and at the offic e -- a co m b i n ati on co m p ut er/entertain m e nt center. This co m p l e x of ma c hin es will be a miniature city of inputs and outputs. Fiber optic cabl e will bring the wh ol e w orl d in fro m the outside w orl d. Keyboards, mi cr op h o n e s , scann ers and sens ors will take turns handling the data you feed in. If you are fro m the mi d dl e third of the pyra mi d, only your children will really kn o w ho w to w or k this thing. People wh o are childless will have to learn ho w to use it by the m s el v e s , or lease a child fro m on e of a variety of certified provi d ers.

INSERT BOX

"When you're riding in a time machine

way far into the future,

don't stick your elbow out the window,

or it'll turn into a fossil."

JACK HANDY84

We will be leavin g electr o m a g n eti c storag e m e d i a like hard and floppy disks behind. The future appears light bas ed -- lasers and fiber optics will replac e the stuff we use no w. Gateways throug h whic h we are no w please d to push data at 28, 8 0 0 bps will op en a hundred times wid er and faster. Our ma c hin es will be able to acc ess a milli on times the giga byte of data today's ampl est hard disks contain. Computing will oc cur at the speed of light. Indeed, we w o n't talk about "c o m p ut ers" at all, bec aus e everything will be co m p ut ers; everything will be net w or k e d .

The offic e of the past was a sleepy plac e peopl e spent the daylight hours at, with a water co ol er and rubb er tree plant, wh er e peopl e could hide fro m the w orl d until quitting time. The offic e of the future may not be a plac e at all, but an idea. People will do mu c h of their w or k at ho m e , or at temp or ary re m ot e locati ons -- wh er e v er they happen to be.

Despite this freed o m , the w or k setting will be a frantic, anxi ous plac e. Very few peopl e will have long- ter m jobs -- m o stly star perfor m e r s wh o are just a little ov er the hill, and loo k for war d to w or kin g out a five- year contract, with out havin g to co m p et e for every short- ter m contract that co m e s alon g.

Where our grandparents lab or e d co m p et e ntly but with out mu c h infor m ati on at their disp osal, we will have the opp osite probl e m , striving to appear co m p et e nt in the face of all we do not kn o w . Half the peopl e alive will have "pag es " about the m s el v e s

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in the glo b al infor m ati on net w or k. This pag e will be your life resu m e, acc essi bl e by hypertext keywords that relate to you, your w or k, your na m e, your interests.

If you are an attorney na m e d Barbara in Tierra del Fuego wh o specializes in personal injury lawsuits against mining companies, your pag e can be acc ess e d within sec o n d s on the Net by any on e seekin g an attorney with any of thos e key w o r d s. Where you are does n't matter, bec aus e lawsuits will no long er require courtro o m s . Trials will be con du ct ed by ISDN telec o n f er e n c e, with physical evid en c e corr o b o r at e d at a central locati on and bea m e d out in real time to all interested parties as 3- D hol o gr aphi c ima g e s.

Your resu m e will tell read ers what perc entag e of cases you w o n , what the averag e award was for, and what your rec or d is for countersuits. To win a big job, you will have to be am o n g the top twenty peopl e in your field w orl d w i d e . And you will have to price yourself lo w er than the other nineteen.

Thos e wh o can position the m s el v e s at the top of their categ or y will have splendid, rewardin g careers that they can retire early fro m . They will need to retire early, bec aus e they will wear out quickly fro m the am ou nt of w or k that co m e s their way.

The rest of the job mark et, ov er 90 % of it, will fight for the scraps that re main, the less attractive, lo w- paying, plain vanilla contracts.

Nano, Nanette

The eeriest trend of the future is miniaturization. As per Moore's Law, co m p utin g speed kept acc el erating into the 2 1 st Century. Conventi onal silic on- bas ed co m p ut ers chips hit a wall around 1 9 9 9 , with the 50 0 MHz Intel Septum mi cr opr o c e s s o r, whic h ran so hot it had the unpleasant periodi c side effect of bursting into fla m e s. Then breakthr ou g h s beg a n happenin g on a surprising ne w level -- mi cr os c o p i c co m p utin g.

A ne w scien c e had been born. It was called nanotechnology -- the scien c e of billionths. The pre mis e of nanot ec h n o l o g y was that it was possi bl e to construct practical ma c hin es, including co m p ut ers, out of protein m o l e c ul es.

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"We do not build machines of flesh.

We use our hands of flesh to build machines

of wood, ceramic, steel and plastic.

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We will use protein machines

to build nanomachines of tougher stuff

than protein."

ERIC DREXLER85

Nanotec hn ol o g y was first prop os e d by Nobel physicist and cele brated genius Richard Feyn ma n in the 1 9 5 0 s , but its cause was taken up in the 1 9 8 0 s by Stanford profess or K. Eric Drexler.

The advantag e of very small co m p ut ers was that, bein g small -- m e a sur ed in nano m e t er s, or billionths of a m et er -- they w oul d be very fast and enc ou nt er mini m a l physical resistanc e. Since the main imp e d in g factor in a con v e nti o n al silic on mi cr opr o c e s s o r was the physical distanc e electr ons had to travel to m o v e throug h the logical gate w a y s, Drexler sa w that mi cr os c o p i c path ways m e a nt faster electr on travel, by a factor of 1 , 0 0 0 or m or e. Even the m o st pri mitive, earliest nano c o m p ut ers wer e hundreds of times faster than the Intel Septum.

Scientists at Syracuse University built the first m o l e c ular logic circuit in the 1 9 8 0 s . If you could see it, it loo k e d like a wish b o n e , with two legs and a neck. The gate was a single, co m p l e x m o l e c ul e, the size of a he m o g l o b i n m o l e c ul e, four nano m e t er s across.

You could co m p ar e the co m p ut ers of the 1 9 9 0 s to hydr o el e ctric da m s, that sto o d in the path of a casca d e of electr ons, coll ecting so m e po w er, but squand erin g m o st of it. The first nano c o m p ut ers, fashi on e d in 20 0 7 , function e d m or e like old- fashi on e d adding ma c hin es, with countless rods, levers and wh e el s, all ma d e of different kinds of protein -- and yet still, bec aus e of their scale, trem e n d o u sly efficient, outperf or m i n g the fastest superc o m p ut ers of that time.

In the year 20 2 5 , nano c o m p ut ers are at w or k in ma ny industrial spheres, and co m p ut er scientists are pond erin g pers on al applicati ons. Nanoc o m p ut ers that can scour your pantry for m o l d or bacteria. An ar my of nano c o m p ut ers let loos e in the offic e co m p ut er syste m , searchin g for viruses, knitting br ok e n data frag m e nts back tog eth er. Self-exp on e ntiating mi cr os c o p i c co m p ut ers, created in lab orat ori es by other m o l e c ular co m p ut ers, are let loos e to solv e so m e of the probl e m s the w orl d is buckling under -- probl e m s of the envir on m e n t, epid e m i o l o g y , and feedin g the w orl d.

Techn o naturals of the 2 1 st century are rapturously learning to apply this ex quisite techn ol o g y . The rest of the w orl d does n't have the fog gi est idea what it is or ho w it mi g ht be used.

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Thinking machines

The breakthr ou g h offic e techn ol o g y of the young millenniu m achiev e d what scientists could only mu m b l e about a few years bef or e -- ma k e a co m p ut er with truly hu ma n thinking capa bilities. One wh o s e thinking went bey o n d si mpl e co m p utation and a few logical tricks. A co m p ut er with vast am ou nts of data at its disp osal, with great subtlety in surveyin g and prioritizing, the ability to do fuzzy thinking, to guess, to pond er and surmis e.

Open the pod bay do or, HAL.

Instead of sitting do w n at your corp orate desk at a con v e nti o n al PC conn e ct e d to an ordinary LAN, the m o d e r n business pers on sits at so m et hin g called a Cyc ter minus. A Cyc ter minus is conn e ct e d not to a hard disk but to an infor m ati on net w or k, the equival ent of ma ny thousands of floppy disks w orth of infor m ati on about the business they wer e in.

Cyc co m b i n e d several dazzling co m p utin g ideas into on e big box. It ran on a parallel proc e s s ing engin e m or e po w erful than yesterday's superc o m p ut ers. Instead of on e chip, it mi g ht have hundreds or thousands of chips. It was progra m m e d with artificial intelligenc e , using a neural network m o d e l . This was an approa c h to idea proc es sin g that mirr or e d true hu ma n thoug ht. It took co m p utin g out of its original forte, nu m b er crunchin g, and re ma d e it as a subtle, fuzzy, intuitive, learning thing. This principle alon e bo g g l e d the min ds of the last gen erati on.

In a Cyc setting, the co m p ut er isn't just a filek e e p er and thinking tool, it bec o m e s a full- fledg e d partner, proba bl y the m o st valua bl e partner in a business. It is a learning creature, capa bl e of acquiring kn o w l e d g e , progra m m i n g itself, and creating ne w kn o w l e d g e , ne w co m b i n ati on s and cross cuts that hu ma ns w oul dn't think of in a milli on m e g a c y c l e s.

At first, business es po o h- po o h e d the idea. We don't have that mu c h infor m ati on, they said. But consid er the sorts of nontraditional things that are all buzzing in the Cyc co m p ut er's min d at the sa m e time:

ƒ everything about your business: the specificati ons for the produ cts you ma k e, the proc es s e s undergirdin g everything, ven d or s you w or k with, the invent ory, the building layout, assign e d parking spac es, e m er g e n c y preparations, the strategic plan, etc.;

ƒ deep infor m ati on about your business's co m p etit ors, both traditional and nontraditional, regi on al, do m e sti c and international;

ƒ deep fa miliarity with past and current mark et con diti ons, so it can advise you of a course of action in a sensibl e, real- time way;

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ƒ infor m ati on about individual e m pl o y e e s , their skills and limitations, salaries and job classifications, evaluations, perhaps even their pers on alities.

Finally, the Cyc co m p ut er is im bu e d with a kind of structured pers on ality. It is the kind of pers on ality you w oul d want in a friend -- patient, wis e, unde m a n d i n g, always interested in you and your probl e m s . Cyc is a Stepford co m p ut er. It can gen erate voi c e reports, ask questi ons, che w the fat. But it will never lie.

Unlike nano c o m p ut ers, Cyc co m p utin g is not just for techn o naturals. True to the parad oxi c al nature of co m p utin g, the m o st co m p li c ate d techn ol o g i e s are am o n g the easiest to use. 86

The dark side

We m e nti on e d the top two thirds of the pyra mi d. There is a third, very large secti on, co m p risin g the bas e of the pyra mi d. This is the servant class, the techn o serfs, thos e wh o can't afford techn ol o g y or wh o are deni ed it or wh o have fors w o r n it. It will not be written any w h er e that this group will serve the other two groups, but that will be the effective result.

In an aug m e nt e d soci ety, the unaug m e nt e d perfor m the ch or es the aug m e nt e d have outgr o w n . They serve the sand wi c h e s , chang e the lightbul bs, carry out the trash. In a soci ety that clai m s to be classless, they are clearly the lo w e st tier.

Techn o serfs will be an e m b a rrass m e nt to the pretensi on s of the infor m ati on soci ety, bec aus e their lives will be a rebuk e to the w orl d ord er of better living thoug h free infor m ati on. The divisi on bet w e e n classes will be sharper than the divisi on bet w e e n white collar and blue collar.

The lo w er third will also includ e a politicized cri minal class. Some of these peopl e will have acquired outla w techn ol o g y , but will not have ma d e peac e with the existing ord er. They will co m p ris e an electr oni c militia dedi cated to opp osin g the larger soci ety, whic h they will see as wea k and spoiled. The electr oni c militia will take virtual ar ms against the ultra- organized w orl d of the Net, whic h they will perc ei v e as an intolera bl e Big Brother.

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Viral violence

The talk on the top of the pyra mi d, at the virtual water co ol er, will be about the constant threat of viol en c e and cha os co m i n g fro m the bas e of the pyra mi d. Instead of hurling bo m b s , peopl e will infect on e anoth er's data assets with deadly viruses. Hollyw o o d will ma k e scor es of m o v i e s about co m p ut er viruses. Teena g ers on dates will huddl e clos e tog eth er, win cin g at the viol en c e don e to file allocati on tables. Tabl oi d ne ws sho w s will focus on the latest co m p ut er virus the way they talk today about cele brities.

INSERT BOX

Some well-known viruses

1530

AIDS-II

Alabama

AntiCAD

B1 (NYB)

Cascade

Cruncher

'Da Boys

Dark Avenger

DIR-2

Doom 2

Fish

Flip

Form

Friday the 13th

Frodo

Goldbug

Joker 2

Keypress 2

Jerusalem

Leprosy

Maltese

Manila

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Natas

Mte (MuTation engine based viruses)

Stealth Boot_C

Stoned

Tequila

Tte (Trident MuTation engine based viruses)

Vienna

Violator

Whale

XYZ

Yankee Doodle

"I think computer viruses should count as life.

It says something about human nature

that the only form of life we have created so far

is purely destructive.

We've created life in our own image."

STEVEN HAWKING87

Some less-well-known viruses88

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

ARNOLD VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. But it'll be back.

BUREAUCRACY VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of subunits, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

SIGMUND VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

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ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTHCARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

MENENDEZ VIRUS: Claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

TELEVANGELIST VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: Warns you of impending hard disk attack: "Once if by LAN, twice if by C:>."

PLEDGE WEEK VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask you for money.

PC VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

OLIVER NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a paper shredder.

PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

"In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been

spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you:

when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to

every computer that that computer has ever linked up to."

DENNIS MILLER89

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This is no jok e. Anti-virus research ers back in 1 9 9 5 wer e already finding 1 5 0 to 20 0 ne w viruses every m o nth. The full list of extant, live, destructive viruses in that year topped 6,0 0 0 . 90 By 20 1 0 , that ma ny are releas e d upon the public every m o nth.

The bad ne ws is, these are proba bl y the go o d old days. The nu m b er s of ne w viruses are ra mpin g up every day , and despite anti- virus tools and better do w n l o a d i n g regi m e n s , reports of infecti ons are increasing exp on e ntially.

Viruses can do a nu m b er of terrible things: destroy data, create bad sect ors, wip e out disk spac e, ov er write disk direct ori es, infect progra m s , and hang syste m s . Someti m e s they are easy to detect, as wh en your screen loc ks up, and all you can see is the w or d GOTCHA! Subtler viruses mi m i c the sy mpt o m s of a doz en other probl e m s : syste m slo w d o w n , missing files, corrupted files, crashes and reb o ot s. Only if every ma c hin e in your offic e sho w s these sa m e sy mpt o m s can you be confid ent you have a virus.

A co m p ut er virus is as alive as any am e b a or m o l d . It gro w s , replicates, travels, adapts to its surrounds, learns, attacks, hides, defen d s itself and "eats" resourc es.

The latest, m o st dread e d virus is the co m p ut er- eating virus, whic h co m b i n e s the electr oni c structure of soft war e cod e with the m o l e c ular structure of sodiu m chl orid e. Once the imva d ers gain entry to your syste m , they spill off the storag e devi c e and swar m ov er the electr oni c hard war e co m p o n e n ts in the syste m , and quickly glaze every wire and contact with nonc o n d u cti v e table salt. The co m p ut er stops as surely and as per ma n e ntly as Lot's wife.

Future viruses will be harder to detect and contain than today's mis c hi ef- ma k ers. We already are seein g stealth viruses that mas k the da m a g e they do by creating false file mas k s, telling users that the corrupted files are the sa m e size and the sa m e date as the original files.

INSERT BOX

"'Remember my name,' the virus says,

which after all is just another way of saying,

'I'm alive."'

JULIAN DIBBELL9 1

We will be seein g poly m o r p hi c ally pervers e viruses. Thes e are electr oni c ger m s that constantly mutate, changin g their o w n cod e so that a syste m that scans and detects the m onc e using an con v e nti o n al scannin g progra m will be unable to rec o g niz e the m upon re- scan.

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Viruses of the future will be both m or e mali gnant and m or e benig n. Viruses are not hard to ma k e, and do not require enrich e d uraniu m or expensi v e lab equip m e nt or even a car. There is actually co m m e r c i al soft war e availabl e to help the non- technical pers on create viruses. You do not have to leav e your hous e to deliv er on e. It will be extre m e l y si mpl e for terrorists to launch virus strikes against net w or k s w orl d w i d e .

Political terrorists, practical jok ers, vandals, unbalan c e d lon ers and peopl e holdin g a grudg e against you, for whatev er reas on, will have a deadly, easy- to- fire wea p o n held constantly to your head. It will require continu ous scannin g, continu ous updating of your detecti on soft war e, and abste m i o u s discipline in your do w n l o a d i n g and disk- swapping habits to hold the we e beasties at bay.

The danger of security

A soci ety terrified of data attacks can be expe ct ed to cla m p do w n on data security. The go v ern m e n t has prop os e d the installation, in factories, of a "Clipper chip" in every ne w PC. This chip provi d es a standard encryption for m at for all the data on your hard disk. Supposedly, this encryption will protect your data fro m bein g stolen or tamp er e d with whil e net w or kin g. But ma ny PC users are up in ar ms ov er the prop os al. If the entire country is using a standard encryption for m at, the logic go es, then busting Clipper will give thieves acc ess to everything. Worse, in so m e peopl e's eyes, is the idea of the go v ern m e n t bein g the watch d o g for our confid ential infor m ati on. Can you say polic e state?

Let's say your co m p a n y has deci d e d its data is too preci ous for any on e to m o n k e y with. What sorts of assuranc e do you or your co m p a n y no w have that no on e will get into your co m p ut er, pretend they are you, and destroy or ma k e off with your m o st preci ous data assets?

What we will see in the future will be security techn ol o g i e s that will take your breath away. Thes e bi o m e tric (physical identification) techn ol o g i e s exist today, in high- security installations like Federal Reserve Banks and military bas es. With the flo o d of expe ct ed viruses and data cri m e, they will bec o m e co m m o n p l a c e in ordinary offic es like yours.

ƒ Fingerprint readers. The task of a bi o m e tric devi c e is to scan so m e unduplicatabl e physical part of the prosp e ctiv e user, such as a fingerprint, and co m p ar e what it sees against what it already kn o w s . A typical fingerprint read er sits next to your PC, conn e ct e d to the serial port. It loo k s like a track ball, with a gro o v e on top instead of a ball. Put your fingertip in the gro o v e and it quickly co m p ar es the scann ed ima g e

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against the internal template obtain ed the first time you used it. Just as law enf or c e m e n t officials loo k for ridges and patterns on fingerprints, so does this kind of syste m . But sinc e its digitized template is a nu m b er, not a picture, on e cann ot in any way phot o c o p y or du mp it for later mis c hi ef.

ƒ Retinal scanning is the m o st eye- op enin g of the bi o m e tric techn ol o g i e s in use today. The user loo k s into a readin g devi c e that may loo k like a pair of bin o c ulars. Inside the read er a dull, infrared bea m boun c e s light against the rear wall of the eye, loo kin g for unique bl o o d vess el patterns. The scan wa v ef or m is then co m p ar e d against a brief digital template -- usually less than 1 0 0 bytes long. The wh ol e verification proc es s, whic h takes and co m p ar es multiple 480° swe e p s and 1 9 2 readin gs, takes about two sec o n d s. The big g est user of retinal scann ers today is the Swiss Army -- the peopl e with the knives. Over 1 5 , 0 0 0 m e m b e r s of that country's volunteer militia are eye-printed and can be reach e d within m o m e n t s in the event of an insurrecti on in the Alps.

ƒ Signature recognition sounds si mpl e, but it perfor m s a very co m p l e x task. Our signatures, after all, are never quite the sa m e. Scanners may analyze pen pressure, size of signature, and am ou nt of variation fro m last sign- in. Some syste m s go the extra mil e, scra m b l in g and unscra m b l in g your signature in storag e so that it cann ot be taken fro m the databas e and used.

ƒ Hand geometry. Originally dev el o p e d in the late 1 9 6 0 s , today's hand read ers scan the top, botto m , and sides of the user's hand, co m p arin g the scan against the digitization rec or d e d at the time of enroll m e nt.

ƒ Voice recognition. The idea is to have the user speak a PIN or pass w o r d into a phon e rec ei v er, and for the voi c e read er to verify the scann ed speec h against an internal template. The co m p ut er may ask for a backup phrase in case it is uncertain of a matc h. The idea is attractive bec aus e it is so cheap -- all you need is a phon e and a read er. But bridgin g the gap bet w e e n co m p ut ers and the hu ma n voi c e is a tricky business. People's voi c e s chang e fro m day to day -- colds, anxiety, aging, fatigue -- and voi c e read ers must cop e with out allo w i n g false positives.

There are several things peopl e will not like about bi o m e trics. First, it is invasive. Even in a war zone not every o n e wants their eye balls scann ed, or to be fingerprinted like a felon. But false negatives are a big g er probl e m . A go o d bi o m e tric scann er is sensitive en ou g h to prevent mal efa ct ors fro m holdin g up a dead user's eye ball, or sever e d hand, or latex- m o l d e d finger, and gaining entry. What they trip ov er are false positives -- disallo w i n g peopl e wh o have every right to ad missi o n. If that happens three or four or five times a day in your offic e, you will want to aband o n your bi o m e tric security syste m in the nearest dark alley.

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INSERT BOX

"A computer doesn't need to seek a court warrant

to monitor every aspect of your personal life.

A self-training automated surveillance system doesn't need

permission to observe your movements or communications."

CHARLES OSTMAN9 2

The future will thro w ever m or e ex otic security techn ol o g i e s at us. How about a devi c e that scans not just your eye, but your wh ol e head? It's called a passive cranial scan -- it scans you wh eth er you want to be scann ed or not. Or skinc ell printing -- it coll ects shed d e d skin cells fro m your fingertip and co m p ar es that against your unique skinc ell wa v ef or m .

Then there's bl o o d testing, DNA analysis, and saliva matc hin g. Neural net w or k s for face verification. Or the amazin g bi o m e tric re m e m b e r i n g chair that can tell, by your wei g ht and the unique cont our of your behind, wh eth er that is really you up there.

It is all part and parcel with the w orl d's fall fro m innoc e n c e . The go o d old days did not require re m e m b e r i n g chairs or retinal scans. A time per m e at e d by drugs, cri m e, confid en c e sca m s and terroris m, techn ol o g i c a l haves and have- nots, does.

A history of the future

Why will the soci ety of the future, a soci ety that has so mu c h to cele brate, be so angry? We can see that ang er already bl oss o m i n g around us today. Politicians have never been m or e suspect, nor the elect orate angrier.

A lot of it is techn ol o g y - driven. Think of deskt op techn ol o g y as the latest wrinkl e in the ev oluti on of de m o c r a c y. Our grandparents, in the 1 9 4 0 s and 1 9 5 0 s , lived in a highly centralized soci ety. Their role as individuals in that soci ety was to be go o d units. They registered to vote, did their jobs, and let that Social Security fund gro w . They wer e cog s in a prosp erity ma c hin e, and it w or k e d pretty well, and they didn't co m p l ain.

In the intervenin g deca d e s, co m p ut ers helped inflate our sens e of ourselv e s as individuals. Decentralized techn ol o g y allo w e d peopl e wh o had never bef or e been

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imp ortant to ma k e imp ortant decisi on s on the job. The techn ol o g y e m p o w e r e d and e m b o l d e n e d us. We beg a n to express ourselv e s bec aus e we had the m e a n s to do so.

Suddenly, parties, interest groups, regi on al differen c e s, ec on o m i c classes and ethnic identity wer en't so imp ortant. What was imp ortant was the buzzing inside each head. We are all afla m e with our o w n opini on s and ideas, and we are aching to express the m. Why wait two years for an "electi on " wh en we could elect to dial CompuServe or the Internet and tell Bill Clinton or Rush Limbau g h or Ross Perot what's on our min ds this very instant?

The establish m e nt turned up its nos e at the cyber populists. They not only didn't get it, they didn't want to get it. If you wr ot e a crank letter to the presid ent on the back of a groc ery bag, or sped by the White House and deliv er e d it in pers on, you got a typed ans w er. If you e- mail ed hi m a crank letter, it mi g ht be tabulated, but it wasn't resp on d e d to.

When we learned that we could stand up to politicians, politicians lost po w er. Society beg a n to frag m e nt into bitterly divid e d interest groups. Despite, or perhaps bec aus e of all the infor m ati on at our fingertips, each group ch os e to focus on infor m ati on that best explain ed its predica m e n t. Paranoia and misinf or m ati o n drov e the ca m p s even farther apart.

The cyberspa c e lit up with quarreling and pers on al attacks. We could log onto so m e bulletin board and bash antlers with so m e nab o b of the opp osite persuasi on as us. Soon a cro w d w oul d gather, eg gin g us on. You didn't have to be smart to be heard on the Net -- you just had to be able to type.

Eventually, groups like the electr oni c militia br ok e away fro m soci ety entirely, went undergr ou n d, and beg a n m o u ntin g targeted strikes using viruses and data bo m b s .

Dear landlord

Lookin g back, was there anything peopl e living in, say, the 1 9 9 0 s could have don e to keep this bad scien c e fiction m o v i e fro m bec o m i n g reality?

The probl e m of the future I descri b e d is not techn ol o g y but acc ess to techn ol o g y . Either it is too expensi v e, or so m e peopl e are forci bly exclud e d , or they are too fearful, for whatev er reas on, to join the Net. The way to keep soci ety fro m splitting do w n the mi d dl e into techn o haves and have- nots is to ma k e sure the have- nots have a fair chanc e to learn techn ol o g y , and be part of the ga m e .

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That is the imp etus behind House Speaker Newt Gingrich and President Clinton's trial ball o o n s about putting laptop co m p ut ers in the hands of peopl e in pov erty. Surely the upside of such an idea is that a giant part of our population w o n't get per ma n e ntly left behind in the changin g ec on o m y . People can use PCs to help in their educati on, to learn skills, to help find jobs, to create business es, to perfor m w or k itself, and to net w or k in their ch os e n fields.

But there are do w n si d e s, too. A laptop give- away progra m , such as Clinton descri b e d , w oul d cost tens of billions of dollars the first year, and billions m or e in subse q u e nt years, as ma c hin es are replac e d or upgrad e d. Gingrich's plan, by contrast, only called for tax credits for po or peopl e. This w oul d be cheap for the go v ern m e n t, but unlikely to be very effective, sinc e peopl e in pov erty wh o don't pay taxes are not likely to shell out thousands of dollars for the sake of reducin g their taxes.

Worse than the m o n e y is the political cost such a progra m w oul d carry. Not all Americans will cotton to the idea of givin g po or peopl e so m et hin g very valua bl e, for free, that cost the m ma ny we e k s of hard w or k to purchas e on their o w n .

So we have a grues o m e ch oi c e to ma k e: insist that the po or buy their o w n co m p ut ers, whic h they are not likely to do in m e a nin gful nu m b er s, or swall o w hard and write the chec k that drafts the m into the infor m ati on age, and decr eas es the chanc e of the cyberpunk future descri b e d here.

The best solution mi g ht be to help peopl e with out mu c h m o n e y buy equip m e nt that costs less -- used ma c hin es, liquidated and obs ol et e m o d e l s. You can find an old AT syste m with m o n it or and dot- matrix printer in the classifieds for as little as $30 0 . No, it w o n't run Windo w s 9 5 or Netscape, so it will be a tough training vehicl e. But it's so m et hin g.

The other thing we can all do is learn to treat on e anoth er with greater respect. There is so mu c h antag onis m in the air these days, and so ma ny politicians and other interests wh o see m to acquire po w er by pitting on e group against anoth er. Why not ma k e a pro m i s e to ourselv e s to ign or e the wh ol e idea of groups altog eth er, and approa c h on e anoth er as individuals we don't kn o w , with no strikes against the m.

We can co m m i t rand o m acts of techn o kindn ess. Encouragin g on e anoth er to bec o m e indep en d e nt and able to prosp er. Tutoring peopl e wh o kn o w less than we do about a techn ol o g y or progra m . Sharing equip m e nt we no long er need.

The great thing about trends is that they swing back and forth. That m e a n s we can fight the trend towar d ruden ess, aggressiv e beha vi or and techn o viol en c e . When BBSing, count to ten, or even high er, if you feel your temp erature rising in a debate. Reme m b e r that fla m e b a itin g -- our grandparents called it "getting so m e b o d y 's goat" --

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is just a plea for attention. Just bec aus e you cann ot see the pers on you are speakin g to is no excus e for dehu m a nizing the m.

Give the other fello w and his ide ol o g y the ben efit of the dou bt. Perhaps the great poet Bob Dylan, never appreciated in his o w n time as an avatar of co m p ut er wisd o m , said it best, in his son g "Dear Landlord":

"If you don't undere s timate me, I won't undere s timate you."

The ultimate technology

We beg a n this bo o k talking about the painful distanc e m o st users feel fro m time to time bet w e e n the m s el v e s and their ma c hin es. We con clud e with a vision of this distanc e bein g finally resol v e d . At first it will sound like the techn o p h o b e ' s w orst night m ar e. In fact, it may turn out to be the techn o p h o b e ' s best chanc e for salvati on. Or may b e it is the night m ar e after all -- I can't quite ma k e this on e out.

Where nano c o m p utin g was about creating co m p ut ers out of m o l e c ul es, bi o c o m p utin g go es even smaller, mu c h smaller in fact, to the individual electr on. This should not be co m p l et ely surprising. Computers are basically just arrays of switch es for strea m s of electrical current.

The early co m p ut er scientists used m e c h a ni c al relay switch es -- little clickin g cloth espins. But the techn ol o g y was bent on miniaturization fro m the very beginnin g. Soon the m e c h a ni c al switch es gave way to electrical switch es, whic h gave way to vacuu m tubes, and then transistors, and then mi cr o- etch ed silic on switch b e d s -- today's mi cr opr o c e s s o r s.

What could be a m or e logical dev el o p m e n t than a switch that go es on and off with the ad mittanc e of a single electr on? An ato mi c or quantu m co m p ut er w oul d have zero imp e d a n c e and be superc o n d u ctiv e. It w oul d be fast as the dick en s to the 20th po w er.

They are doin g it. In 1 9 9 0 scientists at IBM prov e d they can m o v e individual ato m s around in 1 9 9 0 , wh en they precis ely align ed 35 xen on ato m s to for m an IBM log o.

This is a way tinier level than nano c o m p ut er scientists talk about. Once we get these quantu m co m p ut ers goin g, we'll have taken co m p utin g as far fro m the deskt op as it could possi bly go.

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INSERT BOX

"The easiest place to carry technology

is in the mind."

HUGH BRODY9 3

Atomic co m p utin g op ens up an even weird er possi bility. A 1 9 9 5 article in The New York Times detailed an experi m e nt in whic h hu ma n bein gs wer e able to m o v e cursors across a screen using their brain wa v e s. They wer e op erating regular deskt op PCs like you and I use, just by using their minds .94 It's cybertel e kin esis, and you read it in the Times , not so m e Stephen King nov el.

INSERT BOX

Jabbing95

'Tweak brim, and the slits tow

Did gyrfalcon and gimmicks in the WAC:

All min were the boron,

And the moment ratification outgrow.

"Beware the Jabbing, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Judaism bird, and shun

The frustrate Bandies!"

He took his vortex sword in hand:

Long time the many foe he sought

So rested he by the Tumult tree,

And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in UFOs thought he stood,

The Jabbing, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffs through the tulip wood,

And burch as it came!

One, two! One, two!

And through and through

The vortex blade went snickered-snack!

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He left it dead, and with its head

He went galvanic back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabbing?

Come to my arms, my beams boy!

O fracas day! Callous! Called!

He chortled in his joy.

'Tweak brim, and the slits tow

Did gyrfalcon and gimmicks in the WAC:

All min were the boron,

And the moment ratification outgrow.

The thrust of this particular research is extre m e l y do w n - to- earth. It is an effort to e m p o w e r paralyzed peopl e to use co m p ut ers. But ima gin e what the future holds for us if we can fully internalize the idea of co m p ut er control. You think a thing, and the thing happens.

Through the looking glass

This chapter is ending this bo o k mu c h the sa m e way that falling do w n into the tree beg a n Alice' s Adventure s in Wonderland , but the sensati ons produ c e d should be about the sa m e. Disorientation, ov erl o a d , craziness -- the very things I pro m i s e d to ma k e go away 20 0 pag es ag o.

The chang e is unnervin g. The crashes, errors, and erasures are as gut- wren c hin g as they ever wer e. Your career is unstable, it is like trying to w or k in a blen d er. Life is unfair and later you die. And The Andy and Bill Show is always on, hard war e creating ne w produ ct opp ortunities for soft war e and vice versa, all with an eye towar d relievin g you of your hard- earned filthy lucre.

But be hon est -- isn't it interesting? Isn't it neat? Isn't it fun? Whether you are a techn o natural or a true techn o p h o b e , wh eth er your co m p ut er is your friend or your ne m e s is, you must ad mit you live in the m o st re marka bl e of times. And you must so m eti m e s get a shiver fro m the effortlessn ess of doin g so m e thing that grand m a and grandpa never drea m e d of doin g, or could do only with sweat on the br o w , and a crink in the back?

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When I beg a n writing this bo o k so m et hin g happen e d that, no w that I think back, foret ol d this pag e. It was Christmas evenin g, and the regular foot ball seas on was co m i n g to an end. My tea m, the Vikings, was tied for first plac e with three other tea ms in their divisi on. Dependin g on the outc o m e of the ga m e in progr ess bet w e e n the Lions and Dolphins, my tea m w oul d finish any w h er e fro m first to fourth plac e. The Lions had narro w e d the scor e to 27- 20, with a few minutes left to play. But I was bush ed after a long day of ripping and tearing, and trudg ed off to bed.

All night I drea m e d I was trying to learn the final scor e. At first I tried to tune in a TV. No ne ws progra m was on. I turned on the radi o and got feroci ou s static. Damn sunsp ots. I dialed the local sports infor m ati on 97 6 nu m b er. The line was dead. Things wer e getting eerie. I bo ot e d up my PC in this drea m and tried CompuServe's AP Online servic e. The scor e had still not been updated! I called my Internet gate w a y, whic h also had a ne ws servic e. But w oul dn't you kn o w it, I couldn't ma k e a conn e cti on with the net w or k.

At this point I was in a frenzy of wanting to kn o w the scor e and frustrated that nothing was w or kin g. But then I got this idea: why not use my bo d y as a co m p ut er, like in that New York Times article, and get the infor m ati on si mply by asking my bo d y to link up with all the other infor m ati on points in the w orl d -- every o n e else.

Sure, it had never been tried bef or e, but why w oul dn't it w or k? So I kind of cross e d my eyes and focus ed on net w or kin g, and darned if I didn't start getting inc o m i n g m e s sa g e s fro m other sourc es. I could acc ess peopl e's m e m o r i e s , their e m oti o n s, even the bo o k s in their libraries, and the data on their co m p ut ers.

It w or k e d . It was natural. I didn't need to install anything, I didn't need to study any sche m ati cs, I didn't need to read any docu m e n tati on or vie w any de m o s . I didn't have to flip any tog gl es, jump ers, or DIP switch es. If I wanted so m et hin g, I got it. That was all there was to it.

INSERT BOX

" 'Can you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here,'

asked Alice.

'That depends a good deal on where

you want to get to,' said the cat.' "

LEWIS CARROLL96

I used to drea m I could fly. Now I was drea m i n g I could net w or k and co m p ut e, with out an actual co m p ut er. I bec a m e very excited by my drea m disc o v er y. It m e a nt

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we finally had a way of co m m u n i c ating and m o v i n g infor m ati on that didn't ma k e us all crazy. A hu ma n net w or k, with no on e in charg e, no dues to pay, no help files, no buttons to push. I should co m e up with so m e great na m e for my disc o v er y, and trade m a r k it.

But it was just a drea m . When I w o k e up, I tried focusin g my po w er s. Nothing happen e d . The po w er had gon e out of m e. Humankind did not have a "Forc e" it could glo m onto to kn o w all it need e d to kn o w . Or at least I couldn't find it.

Still, the idea haunts m e. What if techn ol o g y wer e to stop hurting peopl e, stop dividing us against on e anoth er, stop peelin g m o n e y fro m our poc k ets like ripe bananas, and just gen erally stoppe d ma kin g us feel stupid and back w a r d and afraid?

INSERT BOX

"We don't know where this is heading.

We didn't know 25 years ago.

And we don't know now.

We're feeling our way in a new world."

LEONARD KLEINROCK, co-inventor of The Internet97

I think we all have to keep the faith. PCs wer e invented by hippies, after all, not de m o n s . Day by day and year by year, the peopl e wh o ma k e these things roll the ball of usable techn ol o g y clos er to us. Somed a y, may b e , they'll roll it all the way to our do orstep, and implant it in our brain. Once it's in your brain, even the techn o p h o b e bec o m e s a techn o natural, bec aus e that's what it is. Techn o, natural.

Till then, we have to m e et it half way. x

Marginal material, Chapter 10

FEARPA R A D O X #10:

That which was suppos e d to co m f o rt us instead giv es us the willies.

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"On a clear disk you can seek forever."

ANONYMOUS

"Global incoherence is 'the sum of all fears realized.' It is a

'world adrift' -- lacking leadership and the motivating vision of

the future that can propel societies forward. The weight of

the past proves more powerful than the inspiration of any

particular future. Weapons would take on a particularly

influential role in this scenario."

JOHN L. PETERSEN98

"Things should be as simple as possible,

but not simpler."

ALBERT EINSTEIN99

"In the past, human life was lived in a bullock cart; in the future

it will be lived in an aeroplane. And the change of speed

amounts to a difference in quality."

ALFRED NORTH WHITEHEAD1 0 0

"Machines are worshipped because

they are beautiful and valued because they

confer power; they are hated because they

are hideous and loathed because they

confer slavery."

BERTRAND RUSSELL1 0 1

"We are becoming the servants in thought,

as in action, of the machine

we have created to serve us."

JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH1 0 2

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1976 Wouldn't this have made a classic Volkswagen ad? The Apple I, the first of a total of sixty built in Stephen Wozniak's dad's garage, with the proceeds from the sale of Wozniak's old VW beetle. Hippie Steve Jobs and nerd Steve Wozniak change the world with their little box.

1979 WordStar and VisiCalc, the first two killer PC applications. Both are tragic success stories. MicroPro's WordStar was developed by genius programmer John Barnaby. When Barnaby left the company in 1985, the product ruled the world -- but the company could not figure out how to adapt the code Barnaby left behind. in the confusion. WordPerfect leaped ahead of it to become the standard DOS word processing program. In VisiCalc, designed for the Apple II, Dan Bricklin invented the electronic spreadsheet, and revolutionized the way people think about and work with financial numbers. As with WordStar, VisiCalc was unable to make the crossing to the world of the IBM PC, and the glory and profits of true business computing went to Mitch Kapor and his DOS-based Lotus 1-2-3.

1981 Adam Osborne, a charismatic visionary, unleashed his Osborne 1, the world's first portable computer upon the world. The affordable CP/M-based Osborne takes the world by storm, but the company goes bankrupt anyway -- the bragging rights for

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portable computing going to Compaq's DOS-based machines.

1982 IBM unveils its PC in 1982, but fails to lock up rights to the computer's two most prizes technologies, its operating system, MS-DOS, and it microprocessor, the Intel 8088 chip. This failure is the single biggest business goof in history.

1984 Apple Computer announces its Macintosh computer, in a legendary Orwellian Superbowl commercial in January. In the underpowered, overdue, overpriced Macintosh, the vision of computerized augmentation Douglas Engelbart described in the 1960s, is finally revealed.

WIMP. An acronym used by the techno savvy to disparage the interface preferred by the techno averse. It stands for Windows, Icons, Mouse and Pointer.

wish list. What users tell technology companies they would like to see in the next upgrade, and what companies include in their catalog of add-on products.

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About the author

Michael Finley has lived several disc on n e ct e d lives -- on e as a business writer (co- author with Harvey Robbins of Why Teams Don't Work , Peterson's/Pacesetter Books), anoth er as an award- winning co m p ut er journalist ("On the Edge," St. Paul Pioneer Press), and a third as a poet with ma ny hundreds of poe m s and eight coll ecti on s publish ed (but drifting steadily out of print). Techno- Crazed cross es the strea m s for the first time of these three mi g hty rivers. Finley lives and writes in a yello w hous e in St. Paul with his wife Rachel and perfect children Daniele and Jonathan. You may contact hi m at mfinley@skypoint.com .

Back jacket matter

COMPUTER WISDOMDoes technology make us crazy? And what can we do about it?

Maybe the wisest book ever written about computers and technology. And

definitely the funniest.

Quirky ... insightful ... eminently readable ...

"Technology cracks a whip, that begins in the computer industry, and

snakes its way to your desktop and into your head.

"Put it all together, it spells pain, a condition called techno crazed. A

destabilization of the human psyche brought on by little things made of silicon

and wires. The problem starts in the computer brain. But the cure must come

where the pain is greatest -- in your brain."

342

1 Quote courtesy of T.A. Melander; from his recollection on Usenet of a discussion by Mr. Campbell at Sarah Lawrence University.

2 I should also post a more temperate letter, from a technology worker who agreed with the letter I printed, but expressed it more gently:

3 "I work in internal tech support. I should say upfront that if I didn't like helping users I wouldn't be in this job. But it can get extremely annoying to have ten people interrupting you to ask how to save a document in MS Word when you've got a total collapse of your network in progress and every machine in the lab is about to crash when the file server goes down without warning. Working in tech support is a no-win situation, and that is bound to frustrate a lot of people. The hostility you've seen is only a better-concealed version of the hostility so often found among people in customer-service types of jobs. But because tech support people in business would get fired if they openly displayed such hatred for users, the feelings of malevolence come out only in private or explicitly non-commercial forums, like e-mail and alt.folklore.computers."

3 Henry David Thoreau, Walden, found on The Gutenburg Project, The Internet

4 Appeared in a Morris County, NJ newspaper, September 17, 1987

5 Allen Ginsberg, the first lines of his great poem Howl. City Light, 1952

6 Eric was for many years a contributing editor of Computer User. He is author or co-author of numerous books about Xwindows and other technical topics. This quote was told me by Eric's sometime collaborator, Kevin Reichard.

7 Meditations of Marcus Aurelius. Downloaded from the Internet Gutenberg Project.

8 Steven Levy, Insanely Great, Penguin Books, 1995

9 This beloved remark of Robert X. Cringley appeared in a 1988 editorial in InfoWorld . It appeared again in his book Accidental Empires, Addison-Wesley, 1992.

10 Downloaded from a wonderful World Wide Web resource, Rand Lindsly's Huge Quotations File, http://pubweb.ucdavis.edu/documents/quotations/rand.html

11 Mary McGrory, "The Laptop and I," Washington Post, May 24, 1992. p. C2

12 InfoCulture, Steven Lubar, Houghton Mifflin, 1993, p. 122

13 Steven Levy, Insanely Great, Penguin, 1994

14 Lindsly

15 List inspired by "Hollywood and Computers," on the World Wide Web at http://fs1.itdean.umn.edu/cbi/movies.htm

16 Colin Jarman, The Guinness Book of Poisonous Quotes, Contemporary Quotes, 1993

17 Lindsly

18 I invited readers of the alt.quotations Usent newsgroup to help me with quotations about computer technology. Basically, I got the same half dozen familiar quotations, repeated many times over. I received seven variations on this remark of Pablo Picasso, reportedly from a Life Magazine interview.

19 William Edwards Deming, The New Economics, MIT Center for Advanced Engineering Study, 1993, p. 2

20 Don't worry if you don't neatly fit any of them. You may see yourself as an amalgam of two or more types, or a type not described, or a type unique to yourself. Or you may see yourself as the type of person who snorts derisively at the idea that people can be categorized by type. That's OK. It's a type, but it's -- OK.

2 2 In fact, to prove my flexibility on this point, let's add a quick half-dozen more types:

23 The specialist -- a user who is adept at one aspect of technology but useless at every other aspect. I know advanced software developers who are great at their own niche, but fumble-fingered when a question relates to the hardware their software runs on.

24 The dabbler -- a user who likes technology, isn't afraid to try new things, but isn't able to (or doesn't need to) stick with anything long enough to acquire real mastery of it. The dabbler is like someone described Dwight Eisenhower's knowledge base -- miles across and an inch deep.

25 The dyslexic -- she is not really dyslexic, but she really cannot seem to deal with the learning materials at hand. The books don't "speak her language," or aren't organized to suit her. So she doesn't use them.

26 The miser -- always on the lookout for a bargain, this user puts no premium on any aspect of technology except cost. Time and again he has bought a major system on price points -- and been unhappy with other aspects after he got it home and tried to make it work.

27 The hothead -- a user who could be much more adept at programming VCRs, etc. if only he were more patient. When things go wrong with a product, as they often do because of his impatience, he goes on a spuming tirade against the user-unfriendliness of that product, the company that makes it, and the genetic make-up of its executive officers.

28 The sloth -- he simply can't be bothered to crack the manual. Instead he gets on the phone to his guru and has the guru painstakingly walk him through every situation. This fellow is remarkable. Two years after buying a new system, the guru is shocked to be asked how to copy a file from one disk to another. (Burned out customer support professionals think there are millions of sloths, that they are the predominate user subspecies, but it is probably just a same two hundred people, calling over and over again. I hope.) Don't worry if you don't neatly fit any of them. You may see yourself as an amalgam of two or more types, or a type not described, or a type unique to yourself. Or you may see yourself as the type of person who snorts derisively at the idea that people can be categorized by type. That's OK. It's a type, but it's -- OK.

21 CPA Software News, February/March 1995

22 Indeed, the country is run by near-technophobes. Only a dozen members of Congress have e-mail boxes at this time, and it is doubtful that more than two or three of those know how to use it.

23 Robert Heinlein, from "The Notebooks of Lazarus Long," Time Enough for Love. Lindsly

24 from an e-mail exchange with Mr. Churbuck

25 Lindsly

26 John Bear, Computer Wimp, Ten Speed Press, 1983

27 Lindsly

28 Watney's Red Barrel is the nom de BBS of a colleague of mine on Ivory Tower Bulletin Board, Minneapolis.

29 I saw this quote, and the one following it, by Linda Gloya, in a presentation by Richard Tanner Pascale at The Masters Forum in Minneapolis, March 1995.

30 Pascale

31 Freeman Dyson, Infinite in All Directions, Harper & Row, 1988

32 Associated Press wire file, February 16, 1995

33 This is a verbatim sentence from the documentation for an expansion card I bought.

40 Lindsly

41 Ian Reinecke, Electronic Illusions, Penguin, 1984

42 I noticed this as part of someone's signature on Usenet. Whoever you were, thanks.

43 Egil Juliussen and Karen Petska-Juliussen, Computer Industry Almanac 1994-95, p. 397

44 William Bridges, "The End of the Job," Fortune, September 19, 1994, p. 62

45 Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky, The Experts Speak, Pantheon Books, 1984, p. 208-9

46 Understanding Computers, Time-Life Books, New York, 1988. I also used this series for some of the ideas on computer security, the history of computing, and several word definitions.

47 Stan Augarten, Bit by Bit, Ticknor & Fields, 1984, p. 3

48 Lindsly

49 Alvin Toffler, Future Shock, Bantam Books, 1970, p. 145

50 Lindsly

51 Lindsly

52 Egil Juliussen and Karen Petska-Juliussen, Computer Industry Almanac 1994-95, p. 297

53 Juliussen and Petska-Juliussen, p. 297

54 Lindsly

55 Joel Kurtzman, "International Digital Exchange," International Journal of Commerce, Vol 23, No. 6, Summer 1992, p. 112

56 Peter G. Neuman, Computer Related Risks, Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1995, p. 165

57 Supposedly from Late Night with David Letterman, but it doesn't seem quite Lettermanlike, does it? I found this in several home pages on the World Wide Web.

58 quotation book

59 Terry R. Dettmann and Susan Futterman, Using CompuServe to Make You Rich, Waite Group Press, 1995

60 Robert Byrne, The Second 637 Best Things Ever Said, Fawcett Crest, 1986, p. 117

61 Dettman and Futterman

62 Winn L. Rosch, "Does Your PC -- Or How You use It -- Cause Health Problems?" PC Magazine, November 26, 1991, p. 491

63 A. H. Grant, "Homo Quintadus, Computers, and ROOMS( Repetitive Ocular Orthopedic Motion Stress)," Optometry and Vision Science, 67(4), 1990, pp. 297-305

64 For an excellent short book on this topic, I recommend Computers and Visual Stress, by Edward C. Godnig, O.D. and John S. Hacunda, Abacus Books, 1991.

65 Charles H. Ferguson and Charles R. Morris, Computer Wars, Times Books, p. 6

66 Godnig and Hacunda

67 Reprinted from CPU: Working in the Computer Industry, Issue 12, Nov. 30, 1994. Online subscriptions to CPU are available at no cost by e-mailing listserv@cpsr.org with a blank subject and a single line in the body of the message: SUBSCRIBE CPSR-CPU &lt;your first name&gt; &lt;your last name&gt; For example: SUBSCRIBE CPSR-CPU Ojay Simpson

68 Of course, the very same day, March 1, 1995, I read that glaciers on the South island of New Zealand have recently sped up, and were galloping along at a rate of 10 meters a day -- clear evidence that a new ice age had begun. So, what do I know.

69 Dennis Hayes, "Ozone Wars," Mother Jones, April-May 1990, p. 55; also "Behind the Silicon Curtain," Whole Earth Review, Summer 1990, p. 59

70 Eric Knorr, ed., The PC Bible, Peachpit Press, 1995, p. 231

71 Craig Broad, Techno Stress, Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1984

72 Jon Vinocur, ed, The Portable Curmudgeon, New American Library, 1987. p.163

73 Milton Berle, Milton Berle's Private Joke File, Crown, 1989

74 Rodney Dangerfield, quoted from the author's memory, from an appearance on The Tonight Show, circa 1984

75 Colin Jarman, The Guinness Book of Poisonous Quotes, Contemporary Quotes, 1993

76 Lindsly

77 Richard Saul Wurman, Information Anxiety, Bantam Books, 1990. p. 293

78 Geoffrey Caucer, "The Marchantes Tale," Line 585. The Canterbury Tales. From Bartlett's Familiar Quotations Online, World Wide Web

79 Owen W. Linzmayer, The Mac Bathroon Reader, Sybex, 1994

80 Plutarch: Life of Pericles, downloaded from the Internet's Project Gutenberg

81 Anthony Ramirez, "Techno-Indulgence as Sin," New York Times, January 12, 1994, p. C7

82 Lindsly

83 Linzmayer

84 Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy, appeared originally on Saturday Night Live; located as a textfile on the World Wide Web

85 Eric Drexler, Engines of Creation, Doubleday, 1986; and Unbounding the Future, Morrow, 1991

86 John L. Peterson, The Road to 2010, Waite Group Press, p. 43

87 Lindsly

88 Tom Regan, Halifax, Nova Scotia, The Daily News, posted on the Internet

89 Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live Weekend Update"

90 Dr. Solomon's News Release, April 24, 1995. Technopolis Communications, Burlington, MA. technopolis@aol.com

91 Julian Dibbell, "Viruses Are Good for You," Wired, February 1995, p. 13

92 Charles Ostman, "Total Surveillance: Your Life on a Chip," Mondo 2000, Issue 13, pp. 16; quoted in Cybernetics Digest, January 1995 issue, December 22, 1994

93 Lindsly

94 "Computers may soon be able to read a person's thoughts." New York Times, March 8, 1995

95 This is a put-on of Lewis Carroll's already nonsensical poem, "Jabberwocky," generated by running the original through a word processor's spellchecker, and using the alternates the program suggested for some of Carroll's unusual words. Posted on Usenet by Doug Landauer.

96 Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass, from the Internet Gutenberg Project

97 Bob Pool, "Inventing the Future: UCLA Scientist Who Helped Create Internet Isn't Done Yet," Los Angeles Times, August 11, 1994, p. B1

98 John L. Petersen, The Road to 2015, The Waite Group, 1994

99 Lindsly

100 Alfred North Whitehead, Science and the Modern World. Found in , p. 421

101 Bertrand Russell, Sceptical Essays. Found in Margaret Miner and Hugh Rawson's The New International Dictionary of Quotations, Signet, 1993, p. 420

102 Lindsly