Talking About Adoption – Questions You May Be Asked

Adoption can spark a lot of conversation. It is a foreign subject to many people and attracts many questions, most of which come with good intentions. However, some of these questions can be upsetting for adoptive parents because of the way they are worded or phrased.

Because of the nature of adoption, people will want to ask an adoptive parent various things, even asking about the minute details that go with the adoption process. Being prepared for such questions will help adoptive parents answer politely and even educate others on what is or is not considered appropriate.

Here are some questions an adoptive parent might be asked:

“Where’s the real mom/dad?”

This question implies that an adoptive parent is not a ‘real’ parent. Saying ‘real’ parent might make some adoptive parents upset or judged, like their position is being called into question. Not having given birth to a child does not make the parent any less of one. Adoptive parents are just as ‘real’ as birth parents.

It can be just as hurtful to the children if they are nearby. Hearing that their parents are not their ‘real parents’ could upset them greatly. Young children might not fully

understand the concept of adoption and birth parents and might draw other conclusions.

The correct term would be “birth parent,” but not everyone knows this. Someone might not even realize they are being offensive by saying ‘real parent.’ If asked this question, explaining the terms can help others understand why such words could be misconstrued and why using the correct terms is important, especially for the adopted child.

“You couldn’t have your own kids?”

A misconception with adoption is that parents only adopt when they are infertile or unable to conceive. Of course, there are many reasons for parents to adopt a child that do not involve fertility. Some parents were adopted when they were younger or perhaps went through the foster care system, while others just want to give a child a loving home and expand their family.

The question also ignores that the adopted children are still their children, even if not by blood. Being related by blood or being born biologically is not the only way to be a family.

How much an adoptive couple shares with others on everything that went into their decision to adopt is a personal choice. However, it may be helpful to explain to people that there are many reasons to adopt a child and it is best not to assume infertility.

“How old were the parents? Did they have problems?”

Sometimes curiosity gets the best of us and we just can’t resist asking potentially intrusive questions. Sometimes people will genuinely want to know about the adopted child’s past and lineage, perhaps to get a better understanding of why they were in adoptive care at all. Either way, this is a common question for adoptive parents.

The child’s history is not one that needs to be discussed even if asked. It is a personal and private matter for the child, and the parents do not have to share any information they do not feel is anyone else’s business.

The same rule would apply for anyone else. Most people do not like divulging such personal history unless they are comfortable with that. Politely explaining this will help others see that the information is for the child to discuss if and when they feel it is appropriate.

“Are your kids actually siblings?”

Like the terms ‘real’ and ‘own’ mentioned before, when someone uses the word ‘actually,’ they mean ‘biological.’ To those asking, such words might not be that big of a deal, but they can mean quite a lot to adoptive parents or children. An adopted sibling is still a sibling regardless of blood. The speaker means well but might not fully understand how their words can be misconstrued and upsetting. Again, it is best to answer the question while also educating the audience about using proper terminology.

Many of these terms and questions do not seem offensive or inappropriate to the speaker because they have little to no knowledge of adoption. However, some parents might find them hurtful or insensitive and can be taken aback by such words. The best course of action is to kindly correct the speaker and explain why certain words might upset some

parents or adopted children. With education, adoption discussions can be natural, easy, and amiable.

Adopting a child is an important decision that requires careful consideration. Are you contemplating adoption, or are you already planning to adopt a child? Do you have any idea about how or where to start? Providence Place of San Antonio, Texas will guide you through the adoption process while making sure all your questions are answered. Contact us today to learn more about adoption and ways to get involved with our organization.