STORMYWEATHERByCARLHIAASENCarlHiaasenisanativeofFloridawithanoutstandingreputationasaninvestigativejournalistexposinglocalscandals.HeistheauthorofTouristSeason,DoubleWhammy,SkinTight,NativeTongueandStripTeaseandwithWilliamMontalbano,TrapLine,PowderBurnandDeathinChina.StripTeaseiscurrentlybeingmadeintoamajormotionpicture.

'Thefunniestwriterofcrimefictionaround'TheTimes

'Hiseyefortheabsurdlendshisstorytellingahilarious

momentum'

ALSOBYCARLHIAASENStripTeaseNativeTongue

SkinTight

DoubleWhammy

TouristSeason

ANDWITHBILLMONTALBANOTrapLine

PowderBurn

Associatedcompaniesthroughouttheworld

ISBN0330340948Copyright(c)Car!Hiaasen1995

TherightofCarlHiaasentobeidentifiedasthe

authorofthisworkhasbeenassertedbyhiminaccordance

withtheCopyright,DesignsandPatentsAct1988.

Theauthorgratefullyacknowledgespermissiontoquote

fromthesong"BoxofRain",lyricsbyRobertHunter.

Copyright1970byIceNinePublishingCo.

acknowledgements

Fortheirexpertiseonthemostesotericsubjects,IamdeeplygratefultomygoodfriendsJohnKipp(thefinerpointsofskullcollecting),TimChapman(theeffectsofcanineshockcollarsonhumanvolunteers)andBobBranham(thecareandhandlingofuntamedSouthAmericancoatimundis).IamalsogreatlyindebtedtomytalentedcolleaguesattheMiamiHerald,whosesuperbjournalismintheaftermathofHurricaneAndrewprovidedsomuchrichmaterialforthisnovel.

C.H.

ONEOnAugust23,thedaybeforethehurricanestruck,MaxandBonnieLambawokeearly,madelovetwiceandrodetheshuttlebustoDisneyWorld.ThateveningtheyreturnedtothePeabodyHotel,showeredseparately,switchedonthecablenewsandsawthatthestormwasheadingdirectlyforthesoutheasterntipofFlorida.TheTVweathermanwarnedthatitwasthefiercestinmanyyears.

MaxLambsatatthefootofthebedandgazedatthecolorradarimage-araggedflame-coloredsphere,spinningcounterclockwisetowardthecoast.Hesaid,"Jesus,lookatthat."

Ahurricane,BonnieLambthought,onourhoneymoon!Assheslippedunderthesheets,sheheardtherainbeatingontherentalcarsintheparkinglotoutside."Isthispartofit?"sheasked."Allthisweather?"

Herhusbandnodded."We'reontheedgeoftheedge."

MaxLambseemedexcitedinawaythatBonniefoundunsettling.Sheknewbetterthantosuggestasensiblechangeofplans,suchashoppingaplanebacktoLaGuardia.Hernewhusbandwasnoquitter;thereservationssaidfivenightsandsixdays,andbyGodthat'showlongtheywouldstay.Itwasaspecialpackagerate;norefunds.

Shesaid,"They'llprobablyclosethepark."

"Disney?"MaxLambsmiled."Disneynevercloses.Notforplagues,famines,orevenhurricanes."Herosetoadjustthevolumeonthetelevision."Besides,thedarnthing'sthreehundredmilesaway.Themostwe'llseeuphereismorerain."

BonnieLambdetecteddisappointmentinherhusband'stone.Handsonhiships,hestoodnudeinfrontoftheTVscreen;hispaleshoulderbladesandbuttockswerestreakedcrimsonfromadayonthewaterflumes.Maxwasnoathlete,buthe'ddonefineontheriverslide.Bonniewonderedifithadgonetohishead,fortonightheaffectedthesquare-shoulderedpostureofacollegejock.Shecaughthimglancinginthemirror,flexinghisstringybicepsandsizinguphisownnakedness.Maybeitwasjustahoneymoonthing.

ThecablenewswasshowinglivevideoofelderlyresidentsbeingevacuatedfromcondominiumsandapartmentbuildingsonMiamiBeach.Manyoftheoldfolkscarriedcatsorpoodlesintheirarms.

"So,"saidBonnieLamb,"we'restilldoingEpcottomorrow?"

Herhusbanddidn'tanswer.

"Honey?"shesaid."Epcot?"

MaxLamb'sattentionwasrootedtothehurricanenews."Ohsure,"hesaidabsently.

"Yourememberedtheumbrellas?"

"Yes,Bonnie,inthecar."

Sheaskedhimtoturnoffthetelevisionandcometobed.Whenhegotbeneaththecovers,shemovedcloser,nippedhisearlobes,playedherfingersthroughthesilkysproutofhaironhisbonychest.

"GuesswhatI'mnotwearing,"shewhispered.

"Ssshhh,"saidMaxLamb."Listentothatrain."

EdieMarshheadedtoDadeCountyfromPalmBeach,whereshe'dspentsixmonthstryingtosleepwithaKennedy.She'dhadtheplanallworkedout,howshe'dseduceayoungKennedyandthenthreatentoruntothe'copswithaluridtaleofperversion,rapeandtorture.She'dhatchedtheschemewhilewatchingthe

WilliamKennedySmithtrialonCourtTVandnoticingthebreathlessreliefwithwhichthefamousclanhadreceivedtheacquittal;allofthemwiththosefantasticteeth,beamingatthecamerasbutwearinganexpressionthatEdieMarshhadseenmorethanafewtimesinhertwenty-nineaction-packedyears-thelookofthosewho'ddodgedabullet.They'dhavenostomachforanotherscandal,notrightaway.Nexttimethere'dbeamadstampedefortheKennedyfamilycheckbook,inordertomaketheproblemgoaway.Ediehaditallfiguredout.

Shecleanedoutherboyfriend'sbankaccountandgrabbedtheAmtraktoWestPalm,whereshefoundacheapduplexapartment.Shespentherdayssleeping,shopliftingcocktaildressesandpaintinghernails.Eachnightshe'dcrossthebridgetotherichisland,wheresheassiduouslyloiteredatAuBarandtheothertrendyclubs.Sheovertippedbartendersandwaitresses,withtheunderstandingthattheywouldinstantlyalertherwhenaKennedy,anyKennedy,arrived.InthisfashionshehadquicklymettwoShriversandadistantLawford,buttoEdietheywouldhavebeenborderlinefucks.Shewassavinghercharmsforadirectheir,apipelinetooldJoeKennedy'smotherlode.Oneoftheweeklytabloidshadpublishedadiagramofthefamilytree,whichEdieMarshhadtapedtothewallofthekitchen,nexttoaFarSidecalendar.RightawayEdiehadruledoutscrewinganyKennedys-by-marriage;theseriousmoneyfollowedthestraightestlinesofgenealogy,asdidthescandalhunters.StatisticallyitappearedherbesttargetwouldbeoneofEthelandBobby'ssons,sincethey'dhadsomany.NotthatEdiewouldn'thavecrawlednudeacrossbrokenglassforawhackatJohnJr.,buttheoddsofhimstrollingunescortedintoaPalmBeachfernbarwerelaughable.

Besides,EdieMarshwasnothingifnotarealist.JohnKennedyJr.hadmovie-stargirlfriends,andEdieknewshewasnomoviestar.Pretty,sure.Sexyinalow-cutVersace,youbet.ButJohn-Johnprobablywouldn'tglancetwice.Someofthosecousins,though,Bobby'sboys-Ediewassureshecoulddosomedamagethere.Suck'emcross-eyed,thenphonethelawyers.

Unfortunately,sixgruelingmonthsofbarhoppingproducedonlytwoencounterswithKennedyKennedys.NeithertriedtosleepwithEdie;shecouldn'tbelieveit.Oneoftheyoungmeneventookheronanactualdate,butwhentheyreturnedtoherplacehedidn'tsomuchasgropeherboobs.Justpeckedhergoodnightandsaidthanksforanicetime.Theperfectgoddamngentleman,she'dthought.Justmyluck.Ediehadtriedvaliantlytochangehismind,practicallypinnedhimtothehoodofhiscar,kissedandrubbedandgrabbedhim.Nothing!Humiliatingiswhatitwas.AftertheyoungKennedydeparted,EdieMarshhadstalkedtothebathroomandstudiedherselfinthemirror.Maybetherewaswaxinherearsorspinachinherteeth,somethinggrosstoputtheguyoff.Butno,shelookedfine.Furiouslyshepeeledoffherstolendress,appraisedherfigureandthought:Didthelittlesnotthinkhe'stoogoodforthis?Whatajoke,thatKennedycharm.Thekidhadallthecharismaofoatmeal.He'dboredhertodeathlongbeforethelobsterentreearrived.She'dfeltlikehoppingonthetabletopandshriekingatthetopofherlungs:WhogivesashitaboutilliteracyinSouthBoston?TellmeaboutJackieandtheGreek!

Thatdismalevening,itturnedout,wasEdie'slastshot.ThesummerwentdeadinPalmBeach,andallthefuckableKennedystraveleduptoHyannis.Ediewastoobroketogivechase.

ThehurricaneontheTVradarhadgivenheranewidea.Thestormwaseighthundredmilesaway,churninguptheCaribbean,whenshephonedamannamedSnapper,whowascomingoffashorthitchformanslaughter.Snappergothisnicknamebecauseofacrookedjaw,whichhadbeenmadethatwaybyagamewardenandhealedpoorly.EdieMarsharrangedtomeethimatasportsbaronthebeach.Snapperlistenedtoherplanandsaiditwasthenuttiestfuckingthinghe'deverheardbecause(a)thehurricaneprobablywon'thithereand(b)somebodycouldgetbustedforheavytime.

Threedayslater,withthestormbearingdownonMiami,SnappercalledEdieMarshandsaidwhatthehell,let'scheckitout.Igotaguy,Snappersaid,heknowsaboutthesethings.

Theguy'snamewasAvila,andformerlyhehadworkedasabuildinginspectorforMetropolitanDade

County.SnapperandEdiemethimataconveniencestoreonDixieHighwayinSouthMiami.Therainwasdeceptivelylight,giventheproximityofthehurricane,butthecloudshungominouslylow,aneerieyellow

gauze.

TheywentinAvila'scar,SnappersittingnexttoAvilaupfrontandEdiebyherselfintheback.TheyweregoingtoasubdivisioncalledSugarPalmHammocks:onehundredandsixty-foursingle-familyhomesplattedsadisticallyononlyfortyacresofland.Withoutcomment,Aviladroveslowlythroughthestreets.Manyresidentswereoutside,franticallynailingplywoodtothewindowsoftheirhomes.

"There'snoyards,"Snapperremarked.

Avilasaid,"Zero-lotlinesiswhatwecallit."

"Howcozy,"EdieMarshsaidfromthebackseat."Whatweneedisahousethat'llgotopiecesinthestorm."

Avilanoddedconfidently."Takeyourpick.They'reallcomingdown."

"Noshit?"

"Yeah,honey,noshit."

SnapperturnedtoEdieMarshandsaid,"Avilaoughttoknow.He'stheoneinspectedthedamnthings."

"Perfect,"saidEdie.Sherolleddownthewindow."Thenlet'sfindsomethingnice."

Oninstructionsfromtheauthorities,touristsbythethousandswerebailingoutoftheFloridaKeys.TrafficonnorthboundU.S.1wasawretchedcrawl,winkingbrakelightsasfarastheeyecouldsee.JackFlemingandWeboDrakehadrunoutofbeeratBigPine.Nowthey

werestuckbehindaGreyhoundbushalfwayacrosstheSevenMileBridge.Thebushadstalledwithtransmissiontrouble.JackFlemingandWeboDrakegotoutofthecar-Jack'sfather'scar-andstartedthrowingemptyCoorscansoffthebridge.ThetwoyoungmenwerestillslightlytrashedfromanightattheTurtleKraalsinKeyWest,wheretheideaofgettingstrandedinaForceFourhurricanehadsoundeddownrightadventurous,aniftyyarntotelltheguysbackattheKappaAlphahouse.Theproblemwas,JackandWebohadawakenedtofindthemselvesoutofmoneyaswellasbeer,withJack'sfatherexpectinghisalmost-newLexustobereturned...well,yesterday.

Soheretheywere,stuckononeofthelongestbridgesintheworld,withamonstertropicalcycloneonlyafewhoursaway.ThewindhummedacrosstheAtlanticatapitchthatJackFlemingandWeboDrakehadneverbeforeheard;itrockedthemontheirheelswhentheygotoutofthecar.WebolobbedanemptyCoorscantowardtheconcreterail,butthewindwhippeditbackhard,likealinedrive.Naturallyitthenbecameacontesttoseewhohadthebestarm.InhighschoolJackFleminghadbeenastarpitcher,mainlysidearm,sohisthrowswerenotasdisturbedbythegustsasthoseofWeboDrake,whohadmerelyplayedbackupquarterbackforthejuniorvarsity.Jackwasleading,eightbeercanstosixoffthebridge,whenahand-anenormousbrownhand-appearedwithawetslapontherail.

WeboDrakeglancedworriedlyathisfratbrother.JackFlemingsaid,"Nowwhat?"

Abeardedmanpulledhimselfupfromapilingbeneaththebridge.Hewastall,withcoarsesilveryhairthathunginmattedtanglestohisshoulders.Hisbarechestwasstripedwiththinpinkabrasions.Themancarriedseveralcoilsofdirtyropeunderonearm.Heworecamouflagetrousersandoldbrownmilitarybootswithnolaces.InhisrighthandwasacrushedCoorscanandadeadsquirrel.

JackFlemingsaid,"YouaCuban?"

WeboDrakewashorrified.

Droppinghisvoice,Jacksaid:"Nojoke.Ibethe'sarafter."

Itmadesense.Thiswaswheretherefugeesusuallylanded,intheKeys.Jackspokeloudlytothemanwiththerope:"listedCubano?"

Themanbrandishedthebeercanandsaid:"Ustedunasshole?"

Hisvoicewasarumblethatfithissize."Wheredoyoudipshitsgetoff,"hesaidoverthewind,"throwingyourgoddamngarbageinthewater?"ThemansteppedforwardandkickedoutarearpassengerwindowofJack'sfather'sLexus.Hethrewtheemptybeercanandthedeadsquirrelinthebackseat.ThenhegrabbedWeboDrakebythebeltofhisjeans."Yourtrousersdry?"themanasked.

PassengersintheGreyhoundbuspressedtheirfacestotheglasstoseewhatwashappening.BehindtheLexus,afamilyinarentedminivancouldbeobservedlockingthedoors,aspeedydrilltheyhadobviouslypracticedbeforeleavingtheMiamiairport.

WeboDrakesaidyes,hisjeansweredry.Thestrangersaid,"Thenholdmyeye."WithanindexfingerhecalmlyremovedaglassorbfromhisleftsocketandplaceditcarefullyinoneofWebo'spantspockets."Itlooseduponme,"thestrangerexplained,"inallthisspray."

Failingtoperceivethegravityofthemoment,JackFlemingpointedattheshatteredwindowofhisfather'sluxurysedan."Whythehell'dyoudothat?"

Webo,shaking:"Jack,it'sallright."

Theone-eyedmanturnedtowardJackFleming."Icountthirteenfuckingbeercansinthewaterandonlyoneholeinyourcar.I'dsayyougotoffeasy."

"Forgetaboutit,"offeredWeboDrake.

Thestrangersaid,"I'mgivingyouboysabreakbecauseyou'reexceptionallyyoungandstupid."

Aheadofthem,theGreyhoundbuswheezed,lurchedandfinallybegantoinchnorthward.ThemanwiththeropeopenedthereardooroftheLexusandbrushedthebrokenglassofftheseat."Ineedaliftuptheroad,"hesaid.

JackFlemingandWeboDrakesaidcertainly,sir,thatwouldbenotroubleatall.Ittookforty-fiveminutesonthehighwaybeforetheysummonedthenervetoasktheone-eyedmanwhathewasdoingundertheSevenMileBridge.

Waiting,themanreplied.

Forwhat?Weboasked.

Turnontheradio,themansaid.Ifyoudon'tmind.

Newsofthehurricanewasoneverystation.ThelatestforecastputthestormheadingduewestacrosstheBahamas,towardalandfallsomewherebetweenKeyLargoandMiamiBeach.

"JustasIthought,"saidtheone-eyedman."Iwastoofarsouth.Icouldtellbythesky."

Hehadcoveredhisheadwithafloweredshowercap;JackFlemingnoticeditintherearviewmirror,butwithheldcomment.Theyoungmanwasmoreconcernedaboutwhattotellhisfatherregardingthebustedwindow,andalsoaboutthestubbornstainadeadsquirrelmightleaveonfineleatherupholstery.

WeboDrakeaskedtheone-eyedman:"What'stheropefor?"

"Goodquestion,"hesaid,butgavenoexplanation.

Anhourlatertheroadspreadtofourlanesandthetrafficbegantomoveatabetterclip.Almostnocars

wereheadingsouth.ThehighwaysplitatNorthKeyLargo,andthestrangerinstructedJackFlemingtobearrightonCountyRoad905.

"Itsaysthere'satoll,"Jacksaid.

"Yeah?"

"Look,we'reoutofmoney."

Asoggyten-dollarbilllandedonthefrontseatbetweenJackFlemingandWeboDrake.Againtheearthquakevoice:"Stopwhenwereachthebridge."

TwentyminuteslatertheyapproachedtheCardSoundBridge,whichcrossesfromNorthKeyLargotothemainland.JackFlemingtappedthebrakesandsteeredtotheshoulder."Nothere,"saidthestranger."Allthewaytothetop."

"Thetopofthebridge?"

"Areyoudeaf,junior?"

JackFlemingdroveuptheslopecautiously.Thewindwasungodly,jostlingtheLexusonitssprings.Atthecrestofthespan,Jackpulledoverasfarashedared.Theone-eyedmanretrievedhisglasseyefromWeboDrakeandgotoutofthecar.Heyankedtheplasticcapoffhisheadandjammeditintothewaistbandofhistrousers.

"Comehere,"thestrangertoldthetwoyoungmen."Tieme."Hepoppedtheeyeintoitssocketandcleaneditinapolishingmotionwiththecornerofabandanna.

Thenheclimbedovertherailandinsertedhislegsbackunderthegap,sohewaskneelingontheprecipice.

Otherhurricaneevacueesslowedtheircarstoobservethelunaticscene,butnonedaredtostop;themanbeinglashedtothebridgelookedwildenoughtodeserveit.JackFlemingandWeboDrakeworkedasswiftlyaspossible,giventheforceofthegustsandtherapiditywithwhichtheirKeyWesthangoverswereadvancing.Thestrangergaveexplicitinstructionsabouthowhewastobetrussed,andthefraternityboysdidwhattheyweretold.Theyknottedoneendoftheropearoundtheman'sthickanklesandrantheotherendovertheconcreterail.Afterloopingitfourtimesaroundhischest,theycincheduntilhegrunted.Thentheythreadedtheropeundertherailandbacktotheanklesforthefinalknotting.

Theproductwasasturdyharnessthatallowedthestranger'sarmstowavefree.WeboDraketestedtheknotsandpronouncedthemtight."Canwegonow?"heaskedtheone-eyedman.

"Byallmeans."

"Whataboutthesquirrel,sir?"

"It'sallyours,"thestrangersaid."Enjoy."

JackFlemingcoastedthecardownhill.Atthefootofthebridge,heveeredoffthepavementtogetclearofthetraffic.WeboDrakefoundarustycurtainrodinapileoftrash,andJackusedittohoisttheanimalcarcassoutofhisfather'sLexus.Webostoodback,tryingtolightacigaret.

Backonthebridge,underamurderousdarksky,thekneelingstrangerraisedbotharmstothepulsinggrayclouds.Burstsofhotwindmadetheman'shairstanduplikeahaloofsilversparks.

"Crazyfucker,"JackFlemingrasped.Hesteppedoverthedeadsquirrelandthrewthecurtainrodintothemangroves."Youthinkhehadagun?Becausethat'swhatI'mtellingmyoldman:Somenutwithagunkickedoutthecarwindow."

WeboDrakepointedwiththecigaretandsaid,"Jack,youknowwhathe'swaitingfor?Thatcrazyidiot,he'swaitingonthehurricane."

Althoughtheyoungmenstoodtwohundredyardsaway,theycouldseetheone-eyedstrangergrinningmadlyintotheteethoftherisingwind.Heworeasmilethatblazed.

"Brother,"JacksaidtoWebo,"let'sgetthehelloutofhere."Thetollboothwasunmanned,sotheyblewthroughatfiftymilesanhour,skiddedintotheparkinglotofAlabamaJack's.Theretheyusedtheone-eyedman'sten-dollarbilltopurchasefourcoldcansofCherryCoke,whichtheydrankonthetripupCardSoundRoad.Whentheywerefinished,theydidnottosstheemptiesfromthecar.

AnoiseawakenedBonnieLamb.ItwasMax,snappingopenasuitcase.Sheaskedwhatintheworldhewasdoing,fullydressedandpackinghisclothesatfourinthemorning.Hesaidhewantedtosurpriseher.

"You'releavingme?"sheasked."Aftertwonights."MaxLambsmiledandcametothebed."I'mpackingforbothofus."

HetriedtostrokeBonnie'scheek,butsheburiedherfaceinthepillow,toblockoutthelight.Therainwascominghardernow,slappinghorizontallyagainstthe

windowsofthehigh-risehotel.Shewasgladherhusbandhadcometohissenses.TheycoulddoEpcotsomeothertime.

Shepeeredoutofthepillowandsaid,"Honey,istheairportopen?"

"Idon'thonestlyknow."

"Shouldn'tyoucallfirst?"

"Why?"MaxLambpattedtheblanketwhereitfollowedthecurveofhiswife'ships.

"We'reflyinghome,aren'twe?"BonnieLambsatup."That'swhyyou'repacking."

Herhusbandsaidno,we'renotflyinghome."We'regoingonanadventure."

"Isee.Where,Max?"

"Miami."

"That'sthesurprise?"

"That'sit."Hetuggedthecoversawayfromher."Comeon,we'vegotalongdrive-"

BonnieLambdidn'tmove."You'reserious."

"-andIwanttoteachyouhowtousethevideocamera."

Shesaid,"I'vegotabetteridea.Whydon'twestayhereandmakeloveforthenextthreedays.Dawntodusk,OK?Teartheroomtopieces.Imean,ifit'sadventureyouwant."

MaxLambwasupagain,stuffingthesuitcases."Youdon'tunderstand.Thisisaonce-in-a-lifetimechance."

Right,Bonniesaid,achancetodrownonourhoneymoon."I'dratherstaywhereit'swarmanddry.I'llevenwatchEmmanuelleVIontheSpectravision,likeyouwantedlastnight."Thissheregardedasasignificantconcession.

"BythetimewegettoMiami,"saidMax,"thedangerouspartwillbeover.Infact,it'sprobablyoveralready."

"Thenwhat'sthepoint?"

"You'llsee."

"Max,Idon'twanttodothis.Please."

Hegaveherastiff,fatherlyhug.Sheknewhewasabouttospeaktoherasifsheweresixyearsold."Bonnie,"MaxLambsaidtohisnewwife."MybeautifullittleBonnie,nowlisten.DisneyWorldwecandoanytime.Anytimewewant.Buthowoftendoesahurricanehit?Youheardtheweatherman,honey.'TheStormoftheCentury,'hecalledit.Howoftendoesapersongettoseesomethinglikethat!"

BonnieLambcouldn'tstandherhusband'slordlytone.Shecouldn'tstanditsomuchthatshe'dhavedoneanythingtoshuthimup.

"Allright,Max.Bringmemyrobe."

Hekissedhernoisilyontheforehead."Thattagirl."

TWOSnapperandEdieMarshgottworoomsattheBestWesterninPembrokePines,thirtymilesnorthofwherethestormwaspredictedtocomeashore.Snappertoldthemotelclerkthatoneroomwouldbeenough,butEdiesaidnotonyourdamnlife.Therelationshiphadalwaysbeenstrictlybusiness,Snapperbeinganoccasionalfenceofwomen'swearandEdiebeinganoccasionalthiefofsame.Theirnewventurewastobeanotherentrepreneurialpartnership,moreambitiousbutnotmoreintimate.UpfrontEdiealertedSnapperthatshecouldn'timagineasituationinwhichshe'dhavesexwithhim,evenonce.Hedidnotseempoleaxedbythenews.

Shewenttobedcoveringherears,tryingtoshutoutthehellishmoanofthestorm.Itwasmorethanshecouldbearalone.Duringthebriefcalmoftheeye,shepoundedonthedoortoSnapper'sroomandsaidshewasscaredhalftodeath.Snappersaidcomeonin,we'rehavingourselvesatime.

Somewhereinthemidstofahurricane,he'dfoundahooker.Ediewasimpressed.Thewomanclutchedahalf-emptybottleofBarbancourtbetweenherbreasts.Snapperhaddevotedhimselftovodka;heworeaMarlinscapandredJockeyshorts,insideout.Candlesgavethemotelroomasoft,religiouslighting.Theelectricityhadbeenoutfortwohours.

EdieMarshintroducedherselftotheprostitute,whomSnapperhadprocuredthroughatelephoneescortservice.Herewasadedicatedemployee!thoughtEdie.

Thebacksideofthestormcameup,aroarsounbearablethatthethreeofthemhuddledlikeorphansonthefloor.Thecandlesflickeredmadlyasthewindsuckedatthewindows.Ediecouldseethewallsbreathing-Christ,whatalousyideathiswas!Alargepaintingofapelicanfell,grazingoneofthehooker'sankles.Shecriedoutsoftlyandgnawedatherartificialfingernails.Snapperkepttothevodka.OccasionallyhisfreehandwouldturnuplikeaspideronEdie'sthigh.Shesmashedit,butSnappermerelysighed.

Bydawnthestormhadcrossedinland,andthehighwaterwasfallingfast.EdieMarshputonaconservativebluedressanddarknylons,andpinnedherlongbrownhairinabun.Snapperworetheonlysuitheowned,aslatepinstripehe'dpurchasedtwoyearsearlierforanex-cellmate'sfuneral;thecuffedtrousersstoppedaninchshyofhisshoetops.Ediechuckledandsaidthatwasperfect.

TheydroppedtheprostituteataDenny'srestaurantandtooktheTurnpikesouthtoseewhatthehurricanehaddone.Trafficwasbumper-to-bumperlunacy,fireenginesandcopcarsandambulanceseverywhere.TheradiosaidHomesteadhadbeenblownoffthemap.ThegovernorwassendingtheNationalGuard.

Snapperheadedeaston152ndStreetbutimmediatelygotdisoriented.Alltrafficsignalsandstreetsigns

weredown;Snappercouldn'tfindSugarPalmHammocks.

EdieMarshbecameagitated.Shekeptrepeatingtheaddressaloud:14275NoriegaParkway.One-four-two-seven-five.Tanhouse,brownshutters,swimmingpool,two-cargarage.Avilahadguesseditwasworth$185,000.

"Ifwedon'thurry,"EdietoldSnapper,"ifwedon'tgettheresoon-"

Snapperinstructedhertoshuttheholyfuckup.

"Wasn'tthereaDairyQueen?"Ediewenton."IrememberhimturningataDairyQueenorsomething."

Snappersaid,"TheDairyQueenisgone.Everygoddamnthingisgone,caseyoudidn'tnotice.We'reflyingblindouthere."

Ediehadneverseensuchdestruction;itlookedlikeCastrohadnukedtheplace.Houseswithoutroofs,walls,windows.Trailersandcarscrumpledlikefoil.Treesintheswimmingpools.Peopleweeping,SweetJesus,andeverywheretheplonkingofhammersandthegrowlingofchainsaws.

Snappersaidtheycoulddoanotherhouse."There'sonlyabouttenthousandtochoosefrom."

"Isuppose."

"What'ssospecialabout1-4-2-7-5?"

"Ithadpersonality,"EdieMarshsaid.

Snapperdrummedhisknucklesonthesteeringwheel."Theyalllookthesame.Alltheseplaces,exactlythesame."

Hisgunlayontheseatbetweenthem.

"Fine,"saidEdie,unsettledbythechangeofplans,thechaos,thegrimdrippingskies."Fine,we'llfindanotherone."

MaxandBonnieLambarrivedinDadeCountysoonafterdaybreak.Theroadswereslickandgridlocked.ThegrayskywasgrowlingwithTVhelicopters.Theradiosaidtwohundredthousandhomeswereseriouslydamagedordestroyed.MeanwhiletheRedCrosswaspleadingfordonationsoffood,waterandclothing.

TheLambsexitedtheTurnpikeatQuailRoostDrive.Bonniewasstunnedbythedevastation;Maxhimselfwasaglow.HeheldtheHandycamonhislapashesteered.Everytwoorthreeblocks,heslowedtovideotapespectacularrubble.Aflattenedhardwarestore.TheremainsofaSizzlersteakhouse.Aschoolbusimpaledbyaforty-footpine.

"Didn'tItellyou?"MaxLambwassaying."Isn'titamazing!"

BonnieLambshuddered.Shesaidtheyshouldstopatthenearestshelterandvolunteertohelp.

Maxpaidnoattention.Heparkedinfrontofanexplodedtownhouse.Thehurricanehadthrownamotorboatintothelivingroom.Thefamily-amiddle-agedLatinman,hiswife,twolittlegirls-stoodinadazeonthesidewalk.Theyworematchingyellowrainslickers.

MaxLambgotoutofthecar."MindifIgetsomevideo?"

Themannumblyconsented.Maxphotographedthewreckedbuildingfromseveraldramaticangles.Then,steppingthroughtheplasterandbrokenfurnitureandtwistedtoys,hecasuallyenteredthehouse.Bonniecouldn'tbelieveit:Hewalkedrightthroughthegashthatwasoncethefrontdoor!

Sheapologizedtothefamily,butthemansaidhedidn'tmind;he'dneedpicturesanyway,fortheinsurancepeople.Hisdaughtersbegantosobandtremble.BonnieLambknelttocomfortthem.Overhershouldershecaughtsightofherhusbandwiththecameraathiseye,recordingthescenethroughabrokenwindow.

Later,intherentalcar,shesaid:"ThatwasthesickestthingIeversaw."

"Yes,it'sverysad."

"I'mtalkingaboutyou,"Bonniesnapped.

"What?"

"Max,Iwanttogohome."

"Ibetwecansellsomeofthistape."

"Don'tyoudare."

Maxsaid:"IbetwecansellittoC-SPAN.Payforthewholehoneymoon!"

Bonnieclosedhereyes.Whathadshedone?Washermotherrightaboutthisman?Latentasshole,hermotherhadwhisperedatthewedding.Wassheright?

AtduskEdieMarshswallowedtwoDarvonsandreviewedtheplanwithSnapper,whowashavingsecondthoughts.Heseemedtroubledattheideaofwaitingweeksforthepayoff.Ediesaidtherewasn'tmuchchoice,thewayinsuranceworked.Snappersaidheplannedtokeephisoptionsopen,justthesame.EdieMarshtookittomeanhe'dbugoutonamoment'snotice.

TheyhadpickedahouseinaflatteneddevelopmentcalledTurtleMeadow,wherethehurricanehadpeeledawayalltheroofs.SnappersaiditwasprobablyoneofAvila'sroutes.HesaidAvilahadbraggedofinspectingeightynewhomesadaywithoutleavingthetruck."Rollingquotas,"iswhatAvilacalledthem.SnapperallowedthatAvilawasn'tmuchofaroofinspector,as

hewasdeathlyafraidofheightsandthereforerefusedtotakealadderonhisrounds.Consequently,Avila'sroofcertificationsweredonevisually,fromavehicle,atspeedsoftenexceedingthirty-fivemilesanhour.SnappersaidAvila'sswiftnessandtrustingattitudehadmadehimafavoriteamongthelocalbuildersandcontractors,especiallyatChristmastime.

Scanningthedebris,EdieMarshsaidAvilawasdamnluckynottobeinjail.That'swhyhequitwhenhedid,Snapperexplained.Thebonestoldhimitwastime.That,andagrandjury.

Bones?saidEdie.

Youdon'twanttoknow,Snappersaid.Honestly.

Theywerewalkingalongthesidewalk,acrossthestreetfromthehousetheyhadchosenonthedrive-bythatmorning.Nowtheneighborhoodwaspitchblackexceptfortheerraticflickerofflashlightsandtheglowofafewsmallbonfires.Manyfamilieshadabandonedthecrumbledshellsoftheirhomesfornearbymotels,butafewmenhadstayedtopatrolagainstlooters.Themenworepinchedtenseexpressionsandcarriedshotguns.Snapperwasgladtobewhiteandwearingasuit.

ThehouseheandEdieMarshhadchosenwasn'tempty,darkorquiet.Abarelightbulbhadbeenstrungfromtheskeletalremainsoftheroof,andthegray-blueglowofatelevisionsetpulsedagainsttheplaster.Theseluxurieswereexplainedbytherumbleofaportablegenerator.EdieandSnapperhadseenafatmangassingitupearlierintheday.

ThestreetwaseitherTurtleMeadowLaneorCalusaDrive,dependingonwhichofthefallenstreetsignswasaccurate.Thenumber"15600"wassprayedinredpaint

onanoutsidewallofthehouse,aswasthenameoftheinsurancecompany:"MidwestCasualty."

Abigoutfit,Edienoted.She'dseenthecommercialsontelevision;thecompany'ssymbolwasabadger.

"Abadger?"Snapperfrowned."Thefuckdoesabadgerhavetodowithinsurance?"

"Idunno."Edie'smouthwasdry.Shefeltsleepy."Whatdoesacougarhavetodowithcars?It'sjustadvertisingisall."

Snappersaid,"TheonlythingIknowaboutbadgersisthey'restubborn.Andthelastgoddamnthingweneed'sastubborninsurancecompany."

Ediesaid,"Forheaven'ssake-"

"Let'sfindanotherhouse."

"No!"Weavingslightly,shecrossedthestreettoward15600.

"Youhearme?"Snappercalled,thenstartedafterher.

Ediewheeledinthedriveway."Let'sdoit!"shesaid."Rightnow,whileit'squiet."

Snapperhesitated,workinghisjawlikeadazedboxer.

"Comeon!"Edietuggedherhairoutofthebunandmusseditintoanestinfrontofherface.Thenshehitchedherdressandrakedherfingernailsupboththighs,tearingtracksinhernylons.

Snappercheckedtomakesurenoneoftheneighborhoodvigilanteswerewatching.Ediepickedaplaceonthedrivewayandstretchedout,facedown.Usingtwobrokenrooftrusses,Snapperdidasuperbjobsettingthescene.Ediewaspinned.

Fromunderthedebris,shesaid,"Bloodwouldhelp."

Snapperkickedanailtowardherlefthand."Takeiteasy."

EdieMarshheldherbreathandscratchedthepointofthenailfromherelbowtoherwrist.Ithurtlikeabitch.Shewipedherarmacrossonecheektosmearthebloodfordramaticeffect.Oncue,Snapperbeganshoutingforhelp.Ediewasimpressed;hesoundeddamnnearsincere.

MaxLambcongratulatedhimselfforstockinguponvideosuppliesbeforetheydrovedownfromOrlando.Othertouristshadnotcomesopreparedforthehurricaneandcouldbeseenforagingthroughluggageinamanicsearchforsparetapesandbatteries.Meanwhile,pausingonlytoreload,MaxLambwascompilingdramaticfootageofahistoricnaturaldisaster.EvenifC-SPANwasn'tinterested,hisfriendsinNewYorkwouldbe.Maxwasajunioraccountexecutiveatamedium-sizedadvertisingfirm,andthereweremanypersonswhomheyearnedtoimpress.MaxwashandywiththeSony,butitwouldn'thurttoseekprofessionalassistance;heknewofaplaceonEastFiftiethStreetthateditedhomevideosand,forasmallextracharge,addedtitlesandcredits.Itwouldbeperfect!OnceBonniesettleddown,MaxLambwouldaskheraboutthrowingacocktailpartywheretheycouldscreenthehurricanetapesforhisclientsandhiscolleaguesattheagency.

Maxtrottedwithpredatoryenergyfromonewreckedhomesteadtoanother,thevideocamerapurringinhishand.Hewassoabsorbedinrecordingthetragedythatheforgotabouthiswife,whohadstoppedfollowingthreeblocksago.MaxhadwantedtoshowBonniehowtousethecamerasohecouldposeamidhurricanedebris;she'dtoldhimshewouldratherswallowagallonoflye.

Foreditingpurposes,MaxLambkeptamentalinventoryofhisbestshots.Hehadplentyofrubblescenes,andfelttheneedtotemperthevisualshockwithmomentsofpoignancy-vignettesthatwouldcapturethehumantoll,spiritualaswellasphysical.

AmangledbicyclegrabbedMax'sattention.Thehurricanehadwrappedit,assnugasaweddingband,aroundthetrunkofacoconutpalm.Aboynoolderthaneightwastryingtoremovethebike.Maxdroppedtoonekneeandzoomedinontheyoungster'sfaceashetuggedgrimlyonthebenthandlebars.Theboy'sexpressionwasdullandcold,hislipspressedtightinconcentration.

Maxthought:He'sinshock.Doesn'tevenknowI'mhere.

Theyoungsterdidn'tseemtocarethathisbicyclewasdestroyedbeyondrepair.Hesimplywantedthetreetogiveitback.Hepulledandpulledwithallhismight.Theemptyeyesshowednosignoffrustration.

Amazing,MaxLambthoughtashepeeredthroughtheviewfinder.Amazing.

Somethingjostledhisrightarm,andtheboy'simageintheviewfindershook.AhandtuggedatMax'ssleeve.Cursing,helookedupfromtheHandycam.

Itwasamonkey.

MaxLambpivotedononeheelandaimedthecameraatthescrawnyanimal.Throughtheviewfinderhesawthatthemonkeyhadcomethroughthestorminmiserableshape.Itsauburnfurwasmattedandcrusty.Abruiseasplumpasaradishrosefromthebridgeofitsbroadvelvetnose.Theshoe-buttoneyesweresquintyandringedwithmilkyooze.

Swayingonitshaunches,themonkeybareditsgumsinawoozyyawn.Listlesslyitbegantopawatitstail.

"Seewhatwehavehere-awildmonkey!"Maxnarrated,forthebenefitoffutureviewers."Justlookatthispoorlittlefella...."

Frombehindhim,aflatvoice:"Betterwatchit,mister."Itwastheboywiththebrokenbicycle.

Max,theHandycamstillathiseye,said,"What'sthematter,son?"

"Betterwatchoutforthatthing.Mydad,hehadtoshootonelastnight."

"Isthatright?"Maxsmiledtohimself.Whywouldanyoneshootamonkey?

"They'rerealsick.That'swhatmydadsaid."

"Well,I'llcertainlybecareful,"saidMaxLamb.Heheardfootstepsasthestrangeboyranoff.

Throughtheviewfinder,Maxnoticedthemonkey'sbrowwastwitchingoddly.Suddenlyitwasairborne.Maxloweredthecamerajustastheanimalstruckhisface,knockinghimbackward.MiniaturerubberyfingersdugatMax'snostrilsandeyes.Hecriedoutfearfully.Themonkey'sdampfursmelledawful.

MaxLambbeganrollinginthedirtasifhewereonfire.Screeching,thewirylittlecreatureletgo.Maxsatup,scrubbinghisfacewiththesleevesofhisshirt.Thestingingtoldhimhe'dbeenscratched.Forstartershewouldrequireatetanusbooster,andthensomethingmorepotenttocounteractthemonkeygerms.

Asherosetohisfeet,Maxheardchitteringbehindthepalmtree.Hewaspoisedtorun,untilhespottedthemonkeylopingwithanaddledgaitintheoppositedirection.Itwasdraggingsomethingbyastrap.

MaxLambwasenraged.ThedamnthingwasstealinghisHandycam!Idioticallyhegavepursuit.

Anhourlater,whenBonnieLambwentlookingforherhusband,hewasgone.

TwouniformedHighwayPatroltroopersstoodintherainatthetopofthebridge.Onewasatall,powerfullybuiltblackman.Theotherofficerwasawomanofmilkysmoothcomplexionandmediumheight,withabunofreddish-brownhair.Togethertheyleanedagainsttheconcreterailandstareddownalonglengthofbrokenrope,danglinginthebreezeoverthechoppybrownwater.

FivemotoristshadphonedontheircellularstoreportthatacrazymanwastiedtotheCardSoundBridge.Thatwasonlyhoursbeforethehurricane,wheneverypoliceofficerwithinfiftymileshadbeenbusyevacuatingthesane.Nobodyhadtimeforjumpers,sonobodycheckedthebridge.

TheblacktrooperhadbeensenttoMiamiallthewayfromLibertyCounty,innorthernFlorida,tohelpcleartrafficfortherescueconvoys.Atthecommandcenterhe'dcaughtaglimpseoftheincidentnotationinthedispatchlog-"Whitemale,40-50yrsold,190-220Ibs,grayhair/beard,possiblepsych,case"-anddecidedtosneakdowntoNorthKeyLargoforalook.TechnicallyhewasassignedtoHomestead,butinthepost-stormchaositwaseasytoroamandnotbemissed.Hehadaskedtheothertroopertoridewithhim,andeventhoughshewasoffdutyshe'dsaidyes.

Nowmotoristscrossingthesteetjbridgebrakedincuriosityatthesightofthetwotroopersatthetop.What'retheylookingat,Mom?Isthereadeadbodyinthewater?

Raindropstrickledfromthebrimoftheblacktrooper'sStetsonashegazedacrossBiscayneBay,leadenandfrothyafterthedreadfulstorm.Hereachedovertherailandhauledupthesoggyrope.Afterexaminingtheendofit,heshowedtheropetotheothertrooperandsaid,withaweariness:"That'smyboy."

Theropehadn'tsnappedinthehurricane.Ithadbeencutwithaknife.

THREETonyTorressatinwhatremainedofhislivingroomandsippedwhatremainedofhisChivas.Hefounditamusingthathis"SalesmanoftheYear"awardhadsurvivedthehurricane;itwasallthatremainedhangingontherain-soakedwalls.TonyTorresrecalledthepartytwomonthsearlier,whenthey'dgivenhimthecheaplaminatedplaque.Itwashisrewardforsellingseventy-sevendouble-widehousetrailers,eighteenmorethananyothersalesmaninthehistoryofPreFabLuxuryHomes,formerlyTropicTrailers,formerlyA-PlusAffordableHomes,Ltd.Inthecutthroatworldofmobile-homesales,TonyTorreshadbecomeastar.HisbosshadpresentedtheChivasandathousand-dollarbonusalongwiththeplaque.They'dpaidawaitresstodancetoplessonatableandsing"ForHe'saJollyGoodFellow."

Ohwell,TonyTorresthought.Life'safuckingrollercoaster.Hestrokedthestockoftheshotgunthatlayacrosshisglobe-shapedlap,andrememberedthingshewishedhedidn't.Forinstance,thatbullshitinthesalespitchaboutU.S.governmentsafetyregulations...

TheSteenshadquestionedhimthoroughlyabouthurricanes.SohadtheRamirezesandthepain-in-the-assStichlers.SohadBeatriceJackson,thewidow,andherno-neckson.TonyTorresalwayssaidwhathe'dbeencoachedtosay,thatPreFabLuxuryHomesbuiltstate-of-the-arthomesguaranteedtowithstandhighwinds.UncleSamsetthespecs.It'sallthereinthebrochure!

SoTony'scustomerssecuredtheirmortgagesandboughtupthedouble-wides,andthenthehurricanecameandblewthemaway.Allseventy-seven.Thetrailersimploded,exploded,poppedoffthetiedownsandtookofflikefuckingaluminumducks.Notoneofthedamnthingsmadeitthroughthestorm.Oneminutetheywerepleasant-lookingmiddle-classdwellings,withVCRsandconvertiblesofasandbabycribs...andthenextminutetheywereshrapnel.TonyTorreshaddriventothetrailerparktoseeforhimself.Theplacelookedlikeawarzone.Hewasabouttogetoutofthecarwhensomebodyrecognizedhim-oldmanStichler,whobegansplutteringinsanelyandhurlingjaggeddebrisatthesalesman.Tonydroveoffatahighrateofspeed.LaterhelearnedthatthewidowJacksonwasfounddeadinthewreckageofthetrailercourt.

TonyTorreswasunfamiliarwithremorse,buthedidfeelastabofsorrow.TheChivastookcareofthat.HowwasItoknow?hethought.I'masalesman,notagoddamnengineer.

ThemoreTonydrank,thelesssympathyheretainedforhiscustomers.Theygoddamnwellknew..Knewtheywerebuyingatincaninsteadofarealhouse.Knewtherisks,livinginahurricanezone.Theseweregrown-ups,TonyTorrestoldhimself.Theymadeachoice.

Still,heanticipatedtrouble.Theshotgunwasacomfort.Unfortunately,anybodywhowantedtotrackhimdownhadonlytolookintheDadeCountyphonebook.Beingasalesmanmeantbeingavailabletoallofhumanity.

Solet'emcome!Tonythought.Anymoroncustomersgotaproblem,let'emseewhatthestormdidtomyhouse.Theygetnasty,IturnthematterovertoSefiorRemingtonhere.

ShoutsroustedTonyTorresfromthestickyembraceofhisBarcaLounger.Hetookthegunandaflashlighttothefrontofthehouse.Standinginthedrivewaywasamanwithanunfortunatepin-stripedsuitandafacethatappearedtohavebeenmodifiedwithacrowbar.

"Mysister!"themanexclaimed,pointingatapileofbustedlumber.

TonyTorresspottedtheproneformofawomanunderthetrusses.Hereyeswerehalfclosed,andafreshstreakofbloodcoloredherface.Thewomangroanedimpressively.ThemantoldTonytocall911rightaway.

"Firsttellmewhathappened,"thesalesmansaid.

"Justlook-partofyourdamnrooffelldownonher!"|

"Hmmm,"saidTonyTorres.

"ForChrist'ssake,don'tjuststandthere."

"Yoursister,huh?"Tonywalkeduptothewomanandshinedtheflashlightinhereyes.Thewomansquintedreflexively,raisingbothhandstoblockoutthelight.

TonyTorressaid,"Guessyou'renotparalyzed,darling."

Hetuckedtheflashlightunderonearmandraisedtheshotguntowardtheman."Here'sthedeal,sport.Thephonesareblown,sowewon'tbecalling911unlessyougotacellularinyourpants,andthatlooksmorelikeapistoltome.Secondofall,evenifwecouldcall911we'llbewaitingtillHalloween.EveryambulancefromheretoKeyWestisbusybecauseofthestorm.Your'sister'should'vethoughtofthatbeforeheraccident-"

"Whatthehellyou-"

TonyTorrestookthepistolfromtheman'swaist."Thirdofall,"thesalesmansaid,"mydamnroofdidn'tfallonnobody.Thosetrussescameofftheneighbor'shouse.ThatwouldbeMisterLeonelVarga,nextdoor.MyownpersonalroofislyinginpiecessomewhereoutintheEverglades,ismyguess."

Frombeneaththelumber,thewomansaid:"Shit,Snapper."Themanshotheraglare,thenlookedaway.

TonyTorressaid:"I'minthebusinessoffiguringpeopleoutquick.That'swhatagoodsalesmandoes.Andifshe'syoursister,sport,thenI'mtwinswithMelGibson."

Themanwiththecrookedjawshrugged.

"Pointis,"Tonysaid,"sheain'treallyhurt.Youain'treallyherbrother.Andwhateverfucked-upplanyouhadforrippingmeoffisnowofficiallyterminated."

Themanscowledbitterly."Hey,itwasheridea."

Tonyorderedhimtoliftthewoodentrussesoffhispartner.Whenthewomangotup,thesalesmannoticedshewasbothattractiveandintelligent-looking.Hemotionedwiththeshotgun.

"Bothofyoucomeinside.Hell,insideisprettymuchoutside,thankstothatgoddamnstorm.Butcomein,

anyhow,'causeI'dlovetohearyourstory.Icouldusealaugh."

Thewomansmoothedthefrontofherdress."Wemadeabadmistake.Justletusgo,OK?"

TonyTorressmiled."That'sfunny,darling."HeswungtheRemingtontowardthehouseandpulledthetrigger.Theblasttoreaholethesizeofasoccerballinthegaragedoor.

"Hush,"saidthedrunkensalesman,cuppingahandtooneear."Hearthat?Deadfuckingsilence.Shootoffatwelve-gaugeandnobodycares.Nobodycomestosee.Nobodycomestohelp.Knowwhy?Becauseofthehurricane.Thewholeplaceisamadhouse!"

Themanwiththecrookedjawasked,moreoutofcuriositythanconcern:"Whatisityouwantwithus?"

"Ihaven'tdecided,"saidTonyTorres."Let'shaveadrinkypoo."

Aweekbeforethehurricane,FelixMojackdiedofaviperbitetotheankle.Ownershipofhisfailingwildlife-importbusinesspassedtoanephew,Augustine.Ontherainymorninghelearnedofhisuncle'sdeath,Augustinewasathomepracticinghisjuggling.Hehadallthewindowsopen,andtheBlackCrowesplayingonthestereo.Hewasbarefootandworeonlyapairofroyal-bluegymshorts.Hestoodinthelivingroom,jugglingintimetothemusic.Theobjectsthathejuggledwerehumanskulls;hewasuptofiveatonce.ThefasterAugustinejuggled,thehappierhewas.

OnthekitchentablewasanenvelopefromPaineWebber.Itcontainedacheckfor$21,344.55.Augustinehadnoneedfororinterestinthemoney.Hewasalmostthirty-twoyearsold,andhislifewasassimpleandemptyasonecouldbe.SometimeshedepositedthePaineWebberdividends,andsometimeshemailedthemofftocharities,renegadepoliticalcandidatesorformergirlfriends.Augustinesentnotapennytohisfather'sdefenselawyers;thatwastheoldman'sdebt,andhecoulddamnwellsettleitwhenhegotoutofprison.

Augustine'sjugglingwasaprivatediversion.Theskullswereartifactsandmedicalspecimenshe'dacquiredfromfriends.Whenhehadthemupintheair-three,four,fiveskullsarcingfluidlyfromhandtohand-Augustinecouldfeelthefullrushoftheirfarawaylives.Itwasinexplicablyandperhapsunwholesomelyexhilarating.Augustinedidn'tknowtheirnames,orhowthey'dlivedordied,butfromtouchingthemhedrewenergy.

InhissparetimeAugustinereadbooksandwatchedtelevisionandhikedwhatwasleftoftheFloridawilderness.Evenbeforehebecamewealthy-whenheworkedonhisfather'sfishingboat,andlaterinlawschool-Augustinenursedanunspecificangerthathecouldn'ttraceandwasn'tsureheshould.Itmanifesteditselfintheoccasionalurgetoburnsomethingdownorblowsomethingup-ahigh-rise,anewinterstatehighway,thatsortofthing.

NowthatAugustinehadboththetimeandthemoney,hefoundhimselfwithoutdirectionfortheseradicalsentiments,andwithnotrustworthyknowledgeofheavyexplosives.Outofguilt,hedonatedlargesumstorespectablecausessuchastheSierraClubandtheNatureConservancy.Hisambitiontonobleviolenceremainedaharmlessfantasy.Meanwhilehebobbedthroughlife'sturbulencelikedriftwood.

Thenear-deathexperiencethatmadeAugustinesorichhadgivenhimzeroinsightintoagrandpurposeorcosmicdestiny.AugustinebarelyrememberedthedamnBeechcraftgoingdown.Certainlyhesawnoblindingwhitelightattheendofacooltunnel,heardnodeadrelativescallingtohimfromheaven.Allherecalledofthecomathatfollowedtheaccidentwasanagonizingandunquenchablethirst.

Afterrecoveringfromhisinjuries,Augustinedidn'treturntothehamster-wheelroutineoflawschool.Theinsurancesettlementfinancedacomfortableaimlessnessthatmanyyoungmenwouldhavefoundappealing.YetAugustinewasdeeplyunhappy.Onenight,inafitofdepression,heviolentlypurgedhisbookshelvesofallgeniustalentswhohaddiedtooyoung.ThisincludedhistreasuredJackLondon.

Typically,Augustinewaswaitingforawomantocomealongandfixhim.Sofar,ithadn'thappened.

OnetimeadancerwhomAugustinewasdatingcaughthimjugglinghisskullsinthebedroom.Shethoughtitwasastuntdesignedtoprovokeareaction.Shetoldhimitwasn'tfunny,itwasperverted.ThenshemovedtoNewYork.Ayearorsolater,fornoparticularreason,AugustinesentthewomanoneofhisdividendchecksfromPaineWebber.SheusedthemoneytobuyaToyotaSupraandsentAugustineasnapshotofherself,smilingandwavinginthedriver'sseat.Augustinewonderedwho'dtakenthepictureandwhathe'dthoughtofthenewcar.

Augustinehadnobrothersandsisters,hismotherwasinNevadaandhisfatherwasintheslammer.TheclosestrelativewashisuncleFelixMojack,thewildlifeimporter.Asaboy,Augustineoftenvisitedhisuncle'ssmallclutteredfarmoutintheboondocks.Itwasmorefunthangoingtothezoo,becauseFelixletAugustinehelpwiththeanimals.Inparticular,Felixencouragedhisnephewtofamiliarizehimselfwithexoticsnakes,asFelixhimselfwasphobic(and,itturnedout,fatallyincompetent)whenitcametohandlingreptiles.

AfterAugustinegrewup,hesawlessandlessofhisbusyuncle.ProgressconspiredagainstFelix;developmentsweptwestward,andzoningregulationsforcedhimtomovehisoperationrepeatedly.Nobody,itseemed,wishedtobuildelementaryschoolsorshoppingmallswithinwalkingdistanceofcagedjunglecatsandwildcobras.ThelasttimeFelixMojackwasforcedtorelocatehisanimals,Augustinegavehimtenthousanddollarsforthemove.

AtthetimeofFelix'sdeath,thefarminventorylistedonemaleAfricanlion,threecougars,ageldedCapebuffalo,twoKodiakbears,ninety-sevenparrotsandmacaws,eightNilecrocodiles,forty-twoturtles,sevenhundredassortedlizards,ninety-threesnakes(venomousandnonvenomous)andeighty-eightrhesusmonkeys.

Theanimalswerekeptonanine-acrespreadoffKromeAvenue,notfarfromthefederalprison.Thedayafterthefuneral,Augustinedroveouttotheplacealone.Hehadafeelingthathisuncleranalooseoperation,andatourofthefacilitycorroboratedhissuspicion.Thefencingwasbuckledandrusty,thecagesneedednewhinges,andtheconcretereptilepitshadn'tbeendrainedandcleanedinmonths.Inthetar-papershedthatFelixhadusedforanoffice,Augustinefoundpaperworkconfirminghisuncle'slowregardforU.S.Customsregulations.

ItcameasnosurprisethatFelixhadbeenasmuggler;rather,Augustinewasgratefulthathisuncle'schoiceofcontrabandhadbeenexoticbirdsandsnakes,andnotsomethingelse.Wildlife,however,presenteditsownuniquechallenges.Whilebalesofmarijuanarequirednofeeding,bearsandcougarsdid.Leanandhungrywasamilddescriptionoftheillegalmenagerie;Augustinewasappalledbytheconditionofsomeoftheanimalsandpresumedtheirdeteriorationwasaresultofhisuncle'srecentfinancialtroubles.Fortunately,thetwoyoungMexicanswhoworkedforFelixMojackgraciouslyagreedtohelpoutforafewdaysafterhisdeath.Theystockedthefreezerswithrawmeatforthelargecarnivores,boughtboxloadsoffeedfortheparrotsandmonkeys,andrestockedonwhitemiceandinsectsforthereptiles.

MeanwhileAugustinescrambledtolocateabuyerfortheanimals,somebodyqualifiedtotakegoodcareofthem.Augustinewassopreoccupiedwiththetaskthathedidn'tpayenoughattentiontonewsreportsofatropicalstormintensifyingintheCaribbean.Evenwhenitbloomedintoahurricane,andAugustinesawtheweatherbulletinontelevision,heassumeditwoulddowhatmoststormsdidinlatesummer-veernorth,awayfromSouthFlorida,ontheprevailingAtlanticsteeringcurrents.

OnceitbecameclearthatthehurricanewouldstrikesouthernDadeCountywithadirecthit,Augustinehadlittletimetoact.Hewasgrimlyawarewhatsustainedone-hundred-mile-per-hourwindswoulddotohisdeaduncle'sshabbyfarm.Hespentthemorningandafternoononthetelephone,tryingtofindasecurelocationfortheanimals.InterestinvariablydroppedoffatthementionofaCapebuffalo.AtduskAugustinedroveouttofastentarpsandtie-downsonthecagesandpens.Sensingtheadvancingstorm,thebearsandbigcatspacednervously,growlinginagitation.Theparrotswereinapanic;thefrenetic

squawkingattractedseverallargehawkstothenearbypines.Augustinestayedtwohoursanddecideditwashopeless.HesenttheMexicanshomeanddrovetoanearbyRedCrosssheltertowaitoutthestorm.

Whenhereturnedatdawn,theplacewasdestroyed.Thefencingwasstrewnlikeholidaytinselacrosstheproperty.Thecorrugatedroofinghadbeenpeeledoffthecompoundlikeasardinetin.Exceptforadozenbefuddledturtles,allhisuncle'swildanimalshadescapedintothescrubandmarshand,inevitably,theMiamisuburbs.Assoonasphoneservicewasrestored,Augustinenotifiedthepolicewhathadhappened.Thedispatcherlaconicallyestimateditwouldbefiveorsixdaysbeforeanofficercouldbespared,becauseeverybodywasworkingdoubleshiftsafterthehurricane.WhenAugustineaskedhowfaraGaboonvipercouldtravelinfiveorsixdays,thedispatchersaidshe'dtrytosendsomebodyouttheresooner.

Augustinecouldn'tjustsitandwait.Theradiosaidatroopofstorm-addledmonkeyshadinvadedaresidentialsubdivisionoffQuailRoostDrive,onlymilesfromthefarm.Augustineimmediatelyloadedthetruckwithhisuncle'sdartrifle,twolong-handlednooses,aloaded.38Special,andafive-poundbagofsoggymonkeychow.

Hedidn'tknowwhatelsetodo.

Canvassingtheneighborhoodinsearchofherhusband,BonnieLambencounteredthedull-eyedboywiththebrokenbicycle.HisdescriptionofthetouristjerkwiththevideocamerafitMaxtoowell.

"Heranafterthemonkey,"theboysaid.

BonnieLambsaid,"Whatmonkey?"

Theboyexplained.Bonnieassessedtheinformationcalmly."Whichwaydidtheygo?"Theboypointed.Bonniethankedhimandofferedtohelppryhisbicycleoffthetree.Theboyturnedaway,soshewalkedon.

Bonniewaspuzzledbythemonkeystory,butmostofthequestionscloudinghermindconcernedMaxLamb'scharacter.Howcouldamanwanderoffandforgetabouthisnewwife?Whywashesofascinatedwiththehurricaneruins?Howcouldhesocruellyintrudeonthesufferingofthosewholivedhere?

Duringtwoyearsofcourtship,Maxhadney^rseemedinsensitive.Attimeshecouldbeimmatureandself-centered,butBonniehadneverknownamanwhowasn't.Ingeneral,Maxwasaresponsibleandattentiveperson;morethanjustahardworker,anachiever.Bonnieappreciatedthat,ashertwopreviousboyfriendshadtakenacasualapproachtotheconceptoffull-timeemployment.Maximpressedherwithhisseriousnessandcommitment,hisbuoyantdeterminationtoattainprofessionalsuccessandfinancialsecurity.Atthirty,Bonniewasatapointinlifewhereshelikedtheprospectofsecurity;shewastiredofworryingaboutmoney,andaboutmenwhohadnone.Beyondthat,shetrulyfoundMaxLambattractive.Hewasn'texceptionallyhandsomeorromantic,buthewassincere-boyishly,completely,relentlesslysincere.Hisearnestness,eveninbed,wasendearing.Thiswasa-manBonniethoughtshecouldtrust.

Untiltoday,whenhestartedactinglikeacreep.

ThepredawnexpeditiontoMiamiseemed,atfirst,ahoneymoonlark-Max'swayofshowinghisbridethathecouldbeaswildandimpulsiveasheroldboyfriends.Againstherbestinstincts,Bonnieplayedalong.Shefeltsurethatseeingthehurricane'sterribledestructionwouldendMax'sdocumentaryambitions,thathe'dputdownthecameraandjointhevolunteerreliefworkers,whowerearrivingbythebusload.

Buthedidn't.Hekepttaping,becomingmoreandmoreexcited,untilBonnieLambcouldnolongerbearit.Whenheaskedhertooperatethecamerawhileheposedonanoverturnedstationwagon,Bonnienearlysluggedhim.ShequittaggingafterMaxbecauseshedidn'twanttobeseenwithhim.Herownhusband.

Inoneguttedhouseshespottedanoldwoman,hermother'sage,steppingthroughsplinteredbedroomfurniture.Thewomanwascallingthenameofapetkitten,whichhaddisappearedinthestorm.BonnieLambofferedtohelpsearch.Thecatdidn'tturnup,butBonniedidfindtheoldwoman'sweddingalbum,

beneathashatteredmirror.Bonnieclearedthebrokenglassandretrievedthealbum,dampbutnotruined.Bonnieopenedittothedateofinscription:December11,1949.Whentheoldwomansawthealbum,shebrokedowninBonnie'sarms.Withatwingeofshame,BonnieglancedaroundtomakesurethatMaxwasn'tsecretlyfilmingthem.Thenshebegantocry,too.

Later,resolvedtoconfrontherhusband,BonnieLambwenttofindhim.Ifherefusedtoputawaythatstupidcamera,shewoulddemandthekeystotherentalcar.Itpromisedtobethefirsthardtestofthenewmarriage.

TwohourspassedwithnosignofMax,andBonnie'sangerdissolvedintoworry.Thetaletoldbytheboywiththebrokenbicycleordinarilywouldhavebeencomical,butBonnietookitasfurtherevidenceofMax'srecklessobsession.Hewasafraidofanimals,evenhamsters,aconditionheblamedonanunspecifiedchildhoodtrauma;toboldlypursueawildmonkeywasdefinitelyoutofcharacter.Ontheotherhand,MaxlovedthatdamnHandycam.Morethanoncehe'dremindedBonniethatithadcostsevenhundreddollars,mailorderfromHongKong.Shecouldeasilyenvisionhimchasingaseven-hundred-dollarinvestmentdownthestreet.Shecouldevenenvisionhimstranglingthemonkeyforit,ifnecessary.

Anothersquallcame,andBonniecursedmildlyunderherbreath.Therewasn'tmuchleftstanding,inthewayofshelter.Shefeltashiverastheraindropsrand'ownherneck,anddecidedtoreturntotherentalcarandwaitforMaxthere.Exceptshewasn'tsurewherethecarwasparked-withoutstreetsignsormailboxes,everyblockofthedestroyedsubdivisionlookedthesame.BonnieLambwaslost.

Shesawthehelicopterswheelingoverhead,heardthechorusofsirensinthedistance,yetonthestreetsoftheneighborhoodtherewerenopolicemen,nosoldiers,noproperauthoritytowhichamissinghusbandcouldbereported.Exhausted,Bonniesatonacurb.Tokeepdry,shetriedtobalancealargesquareofplywoodoverherhead.AgustofwindgotundertheboardandpulledBonnieoverbackward;asshewentdown,acorneroftheboardstruckhersharplyontheforehead.

Shelaytherestunnedforseveralmoments,staringatthemuddysky,blinkingtheraindropsfromhereyes.Amanappeared,standingoverher.Heworeasmallrifleslungononeshoulder.

"Letmehelp,"hesaid.

BonnieLamballowedhimtoliftherfromthewetgrass.Shenoticedherblousewassoaked,andshylyfoldedherarmsacrossherbreasts.Themanretrieved

theplywoodboardandbraceditatagenerousangleagainstaconcreteutilitypole.ThereheandBonnieLambtookshelterfromtheslashingrain.

Themanwasinhisearlythirties,withgoodshouldersandtanned,strong-lookingarms.Hehadshortbrownhair,asharpchinandfriendlyblueeyes.HeworeRockporthikingshoes,whichgaveBonnieasenseofrelief.Shecouldn'timagineapsychopathicsexkillerchoosingRockports.

"Doyoulivearoundhere?"sheasked.

Themanshookhishead."CoralGables."

"Isthegunloaded?"

"Sortof,"themansaid,withoutelaborating.

"MynameisBonnie."

"I'mAugustine."

"Whatareyoudoingouthere?"sheasked.

"Believeitornot,"hesaid,"I'mlookingformymonkeys."

BonnieLambsmiled."Whatacoincidence."

MaxLambwokeupwithaheadachethatwasabouttogetworse.Hefoundhimselfstrippedtohisunderwearandboundtoapinetree.Thetallmanwiththeglasseye,themanwho'dsnatchedhimoffthestreetasifhewereawaywardtoddler,wasthrashingandfloppinginaleafyclearingbythecampfire.Whentheimpressiveseizureended,thekidnappergatheredhimselfinalotusposition.MaxLambnoticedathickblackcollararoundtheman'sneck.InonehandheheldashinycylinderthatremindedMaxofaremotecontrolforamodelcar.Thecylinderhadashortrubberantennaandthreecoloredbuttons.

Theone-eyedmanwasmumbling:"Toomuchjuice,toomuch..."Heworeacheapplasticshowercaponhishead.Maxwouldhaveassumedhewasastreetperson,exceptfortheteeth;thekidnapperdisplayedoutstandingorthodontics.

Heseemedunawarethathiscaptivewasobservinghim.Deliberatelythemanextendedbothlegstobracehimself,inhaledtwicedeeply,thenpushedaredburtonontheremote-controlcylinder.Instantlyhisbodybegantojerklikeanenormousbrokenpuppet.MaxLambwatchedhelplesslyasthestrangerwrithedthroughtheleavestowardthefire.Hisbootswereintheflameswhenthefitfinallyended.Thenthemanrosewithastartlingswiftness,stompinghishugefeetuntilthesolescooled.

Onehandwenttohisneck."ByGod,that'sbetter."

MaxLambconcludeditwasanightmare,andshuthiseyes.Whenheopenedthemagain,muchlater,hesawthatthecampfirewasfreshlystoked.Theone-eyedkidnappercrouchednearby;nowhisneckwasbare.HewasfeedingOreocookiestothelarcenousmonkey,whichappearedtoberegainingitshealth.Maxwasmorecertainthaneverthatwhathe'dwitnessedearlierwasadream.Hefeltreadytoasserthimself.

"Where'smycamera?"hedemanded.

Thekidnapperstoodup,laughingthroughhiswildbeard."Perfect,"hesaid."'Where'smycamera?'That'sjustperfect."

Inahazardouslypatronizingtone,MaxLambsaid:"Letmego,pardner.Youdon'treallywanttogotojail,doyou?"

"Ha,"thestrangersaid.Hereachedfortheshinyblackcylinder.

AboltoffirepassedthroughMaxLamb'sneck.He

shudderedviolentlyandgulpedforbreath.Histonguetastedofhotcopper.Crimsonspearsoflightpuncturedthenight.Maxwarbledinfear.

"Shockcollar,"thekidnapperexplained,unnecessarily."TheTriTronics200.Threelevelsofstimulation.Rangeofonemile.Rechargeablenickel-cadmiumbatteries.Three-yearwarranty."

Maxfeltitnow,stiffleatheragainstthesoftskinofhisthroat.

"Stateoftheart,"saidthestranger."Youabirdhunter?"

Maxmouthedtheword"no."

"Well,trustme.Fieldtrainersswearbythesegizmos.Dogsgetthemessagerealquick,evenLabs."Thestrangertwirledtheremotecontrollikeabaton."Me,Icouldn'tputoneoftheseonananimal.Fact,Icouldn'teventryitonyouwithouttestingitmyself.That'swhatabigoldsoftyIam."

Thekidnapperscratchedthecrownofthemonkey'shead.Themonkeyhoppedbackandbareditstinyteeth,whichwerefleckedblackwithOreocrumbs.Thekidnapperlaughed.

MaxLamb,quavering:"Keepitawayfromme!"

"Notananimalperson,huh?"

"Whatisityouwant?"

Thestrangerturnedtowardthefire.

Maxsaid,"Isitmoney?JusttakewhateverI'vegot."

"Jesus,you'rethick."Thestrangerpushedtheredbutton,andMaxLambthrashedbrieflyagainsthisropes.Themonkeyskitteredaway,outofthefirelight.

Maxlookeduptoseethepsycho,tapinghimwiththevideocamera!"Saycheese,"thestrangersaid,aimingtheHandycamwithhisgoodeye.

MaxLambreddened.Hefeltspindlyandpaleinhisunderwear.

Themansaid,"ImightsendthisuptoRodaleandBurns.Whatd'youthink-fortheofficeChristmasbash?'HowISpentMyFloridaVacation,'starringMaxLeoLamb."

Maxsagged.RodaleandBurnswastheMadisonAvenueadvertisingagencywhereheworked.Thelunatichadbeenthroughhisbillfold.

"TheycallmeSkink,"thekidnappersaid.HeturnedofftheHandycamandcarefullycappedthelens."ButIprefer'captain.'"

"Captainwhat?"

"Obviouslyyouwereimpressedbythehurricane."Thestrangerpackedthevideocamerainacanvassleeve."Myself,Iwasdisappointed.Iwashopingforsomethingmore...well,biblical."

MaxLambsaid,asrespectfullyaspossible:"Itlookedprettybadtome."

"Youhungry?"Thekidnapperbroughtaburlapsacktothetreewherehisprisonerwastied.

"OhGod,"saidMaxLamb,staringinsidethebag."Youcan'tbeserious."

FOURFillingtheBarcaLoungerlikeastuffedtuna,TonyTorresencouragedEdieMarshandSnappertorevealthedetailsoftheirabortedscam.Facingaloadedshotgun,theycomplied.

SnappergesturedsourlytowardEdie,whosaid:"Simple.Ifakeafallinyourdriveway.My'brother'herethreatenstosue.Youfreakoutandofferusmoney."

"Becauseyouguysknow,"Tonysaid,slappingamosquitoonhisblubberyneck,"I'llbegettingquiteawadofdoughonaccountofthehurricane.Insurancedough."

"Exactly,"EdieMarshsaid."Yourplaceiswrecked,lastthingyouneedisalawsuit.SoSnappersayshere'sanidea:Soonasyourhurricanemoneycomesin,cutusapieceandwecalliteven."

TonyTorressuckedhisteethinamusement."Howbigapiece,darling?"

"Whateverwecouldtakeyoufor."

"Ah,"saidTony.

"Wefiguredyou'djustfactorusintheinsuranceclaim.Jackupyourlossesbyafewgrand,who'dever

know?"

"Beautiful,"Tonysaid.

"Ohyeah,"saidSnapper,"fuckinggenius.Lookhowgooditworked."

HeandEdiesatwiththeirbackstotheliving-roomwall;Snapperwithhislonglegsdrawnup,Edie'sstraightout,kneecapspressedtogether.Apictureofinnocence,TonyTorresthought.Therunsinherstockingswereaniftytouch.

Thecarpetwassoddenfromthestorm,butEdieMarshdidn'tcomplain.Snapperfeltthewetnesscreepingthroughtheseatofhisdresstrousers-theannoyancewassufficientthathemightkillTonyTorres,iftheopportunitypresenteditself.

Deepinthought,thesalesmanslurpedatasweatybottleofimportedbeer.He'dofferedhiscaptivesaquartofwarmGatorade,whichthey'drefusedwithoutcomment.Ahumidbreezeblewthroughthefracturesinthewallsandrockedthebaresixty-wattbulbonitsbeam.EdieMarshtiltedherheadandsawasprayofstarswhereTony'sceilinghadoncebeen.ThenoisefromtheportablegeneratorgaveSnapperanoppressiveheadache.

Eventually,TonyTorressaid:"Youunderstandthere'snolawtospeakof.Theworld'supsidedown,forthetimebeing."

"Youcouldkillusandgetcleanawaywithit.That'swhatyoumean,"Snappersaid.

Edielookedathim."You'reatremendoushelp."

Tonyindicatedthathepreferrednottoshootthem."Buthere'smythinking,"hesaid."Tomorrow,maybethedayafter,somebodyfromMidwestCasualtywillcomeseeaboutthehouse.Iexpecthe'llsayit'satotalloss,unlesshe'sblindasabat.Anyway,thegoodnews:Ihappentoowntheplacefreeandclear.Paiditofflast

March."Tonypausedtostifleaburp."Iwashavingagoodrunattheoffice,sowhatthehell.Ipaidthemortgageoff."

EdieMarshsaid:"SalesmanoftheYear."Shehadnoticedtheplaque.

"Mister,"Snapperinterjected,"yougotsomethin'Icanputundermyass?Therug'sallwet.Anewspapermaybe?"

"Oh,Ithinkyou'lllive,"saidthesalesman."Anyhow,sincethebankdon'townthehouse,alltheinsurancecomestome.AsIsay,there'sthegoodnews.Thebadnewsis,halfbelongstomywife.Hername'sonthedeed."

Snapperaskedwhereshewas.TonyTorressaidshe'drunoffthreemonthsagowithaparapsychologyprofessorfromtheuniversity.Hesaidthey'dgottenintocrystalhealingandmovedtoEugene,Oregon.

"InaVWvan!"hescoffed."Butshe'llbebackforhercut.Ofthatthere'snodoubt.Neriawillreturn.SeewhereI'mheaded?"

"Yeah,"saidSnapper."Youwantustokillyourwife."

"Jesus,whataone-trackmindyougot.No,Idon'twantyoutokillmywife."ThesalesmanappealedtoEdieMarsh."Yougetit,don'tyou?Beforetheycutacheck,theinsurancecompanyisgonnaneedbothsignatures.Meandthemissus.AndIalsobelievetheadjustermightwanttochatface-to-face.What'dyousayyournamewas?"

"Edie."

"OK,Edie,youwannabeanactresshere'syourchance.WhenthemanfromMidwestCasualtyshows

up,youbeNeriaTorres.Mylovingwife."Tonysmirkedatthenotion."Well?"

EdieMarshaskedwhatwasinitforher,andTonyTorressaidtengrand.Ediesaidshe'dhavetothinkaboutit,whichtookaboutoneone-hundredthofasecond.Sheneededmoney.

"Whataboutme?"Snapperasked.

Tonysaid,"Ialwayswantedabodyguard."

Snappergruntedskeptically."Howmuch?"

"Tenforyou,too.It'smorethanfair."

Snapperadmitteditwas."Why,"heasked,withatraceofscorn,"doyouneedabodyguard?"

"Somecustomersgotreallypissedoffatme.It'salongboringstory."

EdieMarshsaid,"Howpissedoff?"

"Idon'tintendtofindout,"saidTonyTorres."OnceIgetthecheck,I'mgone."."Where?"

"Noneayourdamnbusiness."

MiddleAmericawaswhatTonyhadinmind.Ahandsometwo-storyhousewithaporchandafireplace,onthree-quartersofanacreoutsideTulsa.WhatappealedtoTonyaboutMiddleAmericawastheabsenceofhurricanes.Thereweretornadoesgalore,butnobodyexpectedanyman-madestructure(leastofall,atrailerhome)towithstandtheterribleforceofatornado.Nobodywouldblameapersonifthedouble-wideshesoldblewtopieces,becausethatwasthecelestialnatureoftornadoes.TonyTorresfiguredhewouldbesafefromdisgruntledcustomersinTulsa.

Snappersaid,"I'mgonnabeabodyguard,I'llneedmygun."

Tonysmiled."Noyouwon't.Thatfaceofyoursisenoughtoscarethepissoutofmostmortalmen.Whichisperfect,becausethepeoplewho'remadatme,theydon'tactuallyneedtobeshot.Theyjustneedtobescared.SeewhereI'mheaded?"

HetookalengthofbathroompipeandsmashedSnapper'spistoltopieces.

EdieMarshsaid,"I'vegotaquestion,too."

"Well,blessyourheart."

"Whathappensifyourwifeshowsup?"

"Wegotprobablysix,sevendaysofbreathingroom,"TonyTorressaid."HoweverlongittakestodrivethatoldvanbackfromOregon.See,Neriawon'tfly.She'sterrifiedofplanes."

Snapperremarkedthatmoneywasknowntomakeapersondrivefasterthanusual,orovercomeafearofflying.Tonysaidhewasn'tworried."TheradiosaidStateFarmandAllstatearewritingsettlementsalready.Midwestwon'tbefarbehind-see,nocompanywantstolookstingyinanationaldisaster."

EdieaskedTonyTorresifheintendedtoholdthemprisoner.Hegaveagreatslobberinglaughandsaidhell,no,theycouldvamooseanytimetheypleased.Ediestoodandannouncedshewasreturningtothemotel.Snapperrosewarily,nevertakinghiseyesofftheshotgun.

HesaidtoTony:"Whyareyoudoingthis?Lettin'uswalkoutofhere."

"Becauseyou'llbeback,"thesalesmansaid."Youmostcertainlywill.Icanseeitinyoureyes."

"Really?"Ediesaid,tartly.

"Really,darling.It'swhatIdoforaliving.Readpeople."TheNaugahydehissedasTonyTorreshoistedhimselfupfromtheBarcaLounger."Ineedtotakealeak,"hedeclared.Then,withahoot:"I'msureyoucanfindyourwayout!"

OntheslowdrivebacktoPembrokePines,EdieMarshandSnappermulledtheoptions.Bothofthemwerebroke.Bothrecognizedthepost-hurricaneturmoilasagoldenopportunity.Bothagreedthattenthousanddollarswasagoodweek'swork.

"Troubleis,"Ediesaid,"Idon'ttrustthatasshole.Whatisithesells?"

"Trailerhomes."

"GoodLord."

"Thenlet'swalkaway,"Snappersaid,withoutconviction."Trytheslip-and-fallonsomebodyelse."

Ediecontemplatedtheugly,self-inflictedscratchonherarm.Posingunderapileoflumberhadbeenmoreuncomfortablethanshe'danticipated.Shewasn'teagertotryitagain.

"I'llcoastwiththisjerkoffadayortwo,"shetoldSnapper."Youdowhatyouwant."

Snapperconfiguredhiscrookedjawsintothesemblanceofagrin."Iknowwhatyou'rethinkin'.Iain'tnosalesman,butIcanreadyoujustthesame.You'rethinkin'they'smorethantengrandinthisdeal,youplayitright.Ifweplayitright."

"Whynot."EdieMarshpressedhercheekagainstthecoolglassofthecar'swindow."It'sabouttimemyluckshouldchange."

"Ourluck,"Snappersaid,bothhandstightonthewheel.

AugustinehelpedBonnieLambsearchforherhusbanduntilnightfall.TheyfailedtolocateMax,butalongthe

waytheycameuponanescapedmalerhesus.Itwasupinagrapefruittree,hurlingunripenedfruitatpassinghumans.Augustineshottheanimalwithatranquilizerdart,andittoppledlikeamarionette.Augustinewasdismayedtodiscover,stapledinoneofitsears,atagidentifyingitaspropertyoftheUniversityofMiami.

Hehadcapturedsomebodyelse'sfugitivemonkey.

"Whatnow?"askedBonnieLamb,reasonably.Shereachedouttopetthestunnedanimal,thenchangedhermind.Therhesusstudiedherthroughdopey,half-closedeyes.

"You'reagoodshot,"shesaidtoAugustine.

Hewasn'tlistening."Thisisn'tright,"hemuttered.Hecarriedthelimpmonkeytothegrapefruittreeandproppeditgentlyinthecrookoftwoboughs.ThenhetookBonniebacktohistruck."It'llbedarksoon,"hesaid."Iforgottobringaflashlight."

TheydrovethroughthesubdivisionforfifteenminutesuntilBonnieLambspottedtherentalcar.Maxwasn'tthere.Somebodyhadpriedthetrunkandstolenalltheluggage,includingBonnie'spurse.

Damnkids,Augustinesaid.Bonniewastootiredtocry.Maxhadthecarkeys,thecreditcards,themoney,theplanetickets."Ineedtofindaphone,"shesaid.Herfolkswouldwiresomemoney.

Augustinedrovetoapolicecheckpoint,whereBonnieLambreportedherhusbandmissing.Hewasoneofmany,andnothighonthelist.Thousandswho'descapedtheirhomesinthehurricanewerebeingsoughtbyworriedrelatives.Forreliefworkers,reunitinglocalfamilieswasapriority;trackingwaywardtouristswasnot.

Abankofsixphoneshadbeensetupnearthecheckpoint,butthelineswerelong.Bonniefoundtheshortestoneandsettledinforawait.ShethankedAugustineforhishelp.

"Whatwillyoudotonight?"heasked.

"I'llbeOK."-~_

Bonniewasstartledtohearhimsay:"Noyouwon't."

Hetookherbythehandandledhertothepickup.ItoccurredtoBonniethatsheoughttobeafraid,butshefeltillogicallysafewiththistotalstranger.Italsooccurredtoherthatpanicwouldbeanormalreactiontoahusband'sdisappearance,butinsteadshefeltaninappropriatecalmnessandlucidity.Probablyjustexhaustion,shethought.

Augustinedrovebacktothelootedrentalcar.Hescribbledanoteandtuckeditunderoneofthewindshieldwipers."Myphonenumber,"hetoldBonnieLamb."Incaseyourhusbandshowsuplatertonight.Thiswayhe'llknowwhereyouare."

"We'regoingtoyourplace?"

"Yes."

Inthedarkness,shecouldn'tseeAugustine'sexpression."It'smadnessouthere,"hesaid."Theseidiotsshootatanythingthatmoves."

Bonnienodded.She'dbeenhearingdistantgunfirefromalldirections.DadeCountyisanarmedcamp.That'swhattheirtravelagenthadwarnedthem.DeathWishTours,he'dcalledit.OnlyafoolwouldsetfootsouthofOrlando.

CrazyMax,thoughtBonnie.Whathadpossessedhim?

"Youknowwhymyhusbandcamedownhere?"shesaid."Knowwhathewasdoingwhenhegotlost?Takingvideoofthewreckedhouses.Andthepeople,too."

"Why?"Augustineasked.

"Homemovies.ToshowhispalsbackNorth."

"Jesus,that's-"

"Sick,"BonnieLambsaid."'Sick'isthewordforit."

Augustinesaidnothingmore.SlowlyheworkedhiswaytowardtheTurnpike.Thefutilityofthemonkeyhuntwasevident;Augustinerealizedthatmostofhisdeaduncle'swildanimalswereirretrievable.Thelargermammalswouldinevitablymaketheirpresenceknown-theCapebuffalo,thebears,thecougars-andtheresultswereboundtobeunfortunate.MeanwhilethesnakesandcrocodilesprobablywerecelebratingfreedombycopulatingmerrilyintheEverglades,ensuringfortheirspeciesasolidfootholdinanewtropicalhabitat.Augustinefeltitwasmorallywrongtointerfere.AnescapedcobrahadasmuchnaturalrighttoalifeinFloridaasdidallthoseretiredgarmentworkersfromQueens.Naturalselectionwouldoccur.ThetestappliedtoMaxLambaswell,butAugustinefeltsorryforhiswife.Hewouldsetasidehisprinciplesandhelpfindhermissinghusband.

Hedroveusingthehighbeamsbecausetherewerenostreetlights,andtheroadswerealitteredgauntletof

brokentreesandutilitypoles,heapsoflumberandtwistedmetal,batteredappliancesandguttedsofas.TheysawaBarbiedollhouseandacanopybedandanantiquechinacabinetandachild'swheelchairandatypewriterandatangleofgolfclubsandacedarhottub,splitinhalflikeacoconuthusk-Bonniesaiditwasasifagreatsupernaturalfisthadsnatchedupahundredthousandlivesandshakenthecontentsallovercreation.

AugustinewasthinkingmoreintermsofaB-52raid.

"Isthisyourfirstone?"Bonnieasked.

"Technically,no."Hebrakedtoswervearoundadeadcow,bloatedonthecenterline."IwasconceivedduringDonna-leastthat'swhatmymothersaid.Ahurricanebaby.Thatwas1960.BetsyIcanbarelyrememberbecauseIwasonlyfive.Welostafewlimetrees,butthehouseheldupfine."

Bonniesaid,"That'skindofromantic.Beingconceivedinthemiddleofahurricane."

"Mymothersaiditmadeperfectsense,consideringhowIturnedout."

"Andhowdidyouturnout?"Bonnieasked.

"Reportsdiffer."

AugustineedgedthetruckintoalineofstormtrafficcrawlingupthenorthboundramptotheTurnpike.ArustyFordwithacrookedGeorgia-licenseplatecutthemoff.Thecarwaspackedwithitinerantconstructionworkerswho'dbeenontheroadforseveraldaysstraight,apparentlydrinkingthewholetime.Thedriver,ashaggyblondwithgreenishteeth,leeredandyelledanobscenityupatBonnieLamb.WithonehandAugustinereachedbehindhisseatandgotthesmallrifle.Bracingitagainstthedoorpost,hefiredatranquilizerdartcleanlyintothebellyoftheredneckdriver,whoyippedandpitchedsidewaysintothelapofoneofhispals.

"Manners,"saidAugustine.Hegunnedthetruck,nudgingthestalledFordoffthepavement.

BonnieLambthought:God,whatamIdoing?

Theybrokecampatmidnight-MaxLamb,therhesusmonkeyandthemanwhocalledhimselfSkink.Maxwasgratefulthatthemanhadallowedhimtoputonhisshoes,becausetheywalkedforhoursinpitchdarknessthroughdeepswampandspinythickets.Max'sbarelegsstungfromthescratchesanditchedfromthebugbites.Hewasterriblyhungrybutdidn'tcomplain,knowingthemanhadsavedhimtherumpofthedeadraccoonthatwasboiledfordinner.Maxwantednopartofit.

Theycametoacanal.SkinkuntiedMax'shands,unbuckledtheshockcollarandorderedhimtoswim.Maxwashalfwayacrosswhenhesawtheblue-blackalligatorslideoutofthesawgrass.Skinktoldhimtoquitwhimperingandkick;hehimselfswamwiththerejuvenatedmonkeyperchedonhishead.OnehugehandheldMax'spreciousSonyandtheremotecontrolforthedogcollarhighabovethewater.

Afterscrabblingashore,Maxsaid,"Captain,canwerest?"

"Everseenaleechbefore?'Causethere'sagoodoneonyourcheek."

AfterMaxLambfinishedflayinghimself,Skinkretiedhiswristsandrefastenedthedogcollar.Thenhesprayedhimdownwithinsectrepellent.Maxcroakedoutathank-you.

"Wherearewe?"heasked.

"TheEverglades,"Skinkreplied."Moreorless."

"YoupromisedIcouldcallmywife."

"Soon."

Theyheadedwest,trudgingthroughpalmettosandpinelandsshreddedbythestorm.Themonkeyscamperedahead,foragingwildberriesandfruitbuds.

Maxsaid:"Areyougoingtokilkne?"

Skinkstoppedwalking."Everytimeyouaskthatstupidquestion,you'regoingtogetit."Hesettheremoteontheweakestsetting.

"Ready?"

MaxLambclenchedhislips.Skinkstunghimwithalightjolt.Thetouristtwitchedstoically.SoontheycametoaMiccosukeevillage,whichwasnotasbadlydamagedasMaxLambwouldhaveimagined.SincetheIndianswereawake,cookingfood,Maxassumeditwouldsoonbedawn.Inopendoorwaysthechildrengatheredshylytolookatthetwostrangewhitemen:Skinkwithhisbramblyhair,ill-fittingeyeandmangymonkey,MaxLambinhisdirtyunderwearanddogcollar.

SkinkstoppedatawoodenhouseandspokequietlytoaMiccosukeeelder,whobroughtoutacellularphone.AsheuntiedMax'shands,Skinkwarned:"Onecallisallyouget.He,saysthebattery'srunninglow."

Maxrealizedthathedidn'tknowhowtoreachhiswife.Hehadnoideawhereshewas.SohecalledtheirapartmentinNewYorkandspoketotheansweringmachine:"Honey,I'vebeenkidnapped-"

"Abducted!"Skinkbrokein."Kidnappingimpliesransom,Max.Don'tfuckingflatteryourself."

"OK,'abducted.'Honey,I'vebeenabducted.Ican'tsayverymuchexceptI'mfine,allthingsconsidered.Pleasecallmyfolks,andalsocallPeteupatRodaleabouttheBroncobillboardproject.Tellhimtheracecarshouldbered,notblue.Thefile'sonmydesk....Bonnie,I'mnotsurewho'sgotme,orwhy,butIguessI'llfindoutsoonenough.God,Ihopeyoupickupthismessage-"

Skinksnatchedthephone."Iloveyou,Bonnie,"hesaid."Maxforgottotellyou,soIwill.Byenow."

TheyatewiththeMiccosukees,whodeclinedSkink'sofferofboiledcoonbutgenerouslysharedhelpingsoffriedpanfish,yams,cornmealmuffinsandcitrusjuice.MaxLambateheartilybut,mindfuloftheelectricdogcollar,saidlittle.Afterbreakfast,Skinktiedhimtoacypresspostanddisappearedwithseveralmenofthetribe.Whenhereturned,hedeclareditwastimetoleave.

Maxsaid,"Where'smystuff?"Hewasworriedabouthisbillfoldandclothes.

"Righthere."Skinkjerkedathumbtowardhisbackpack.

"AndmySony?"

"Gaveittotheoldman.He'sgotsevengrandchildren,sohe'llhaveaball."

"Whataboutmytapes?"

Skinklaughed."Heloved'em.Thatmonkeyattackwassomethingspecial.Max,liftyourarms."Hespritzedtheprisonerwithmorebugjuice.

MaxLamb,somberly:"ThatHandycamretailsforaboutninehundredbucks."

"It'snotlikeIgaveitaway.Itraded."

"Forwhat?"

Skinkchuckedhimontheshoulder."I'llbetyou'veneverbeenonanairboat."

"Ohno.Please."

"Hey,youwantedtoseeFlorida."

Itwasn'teasybeingablackHighwayPatroltrooperinFlorida.Itwasevenharderifyouwereinvolvedintimatelywithawhitetrooper,thewayJimTilewasinvolvedwithBrendaRourke.

They'dmetatatrainingseminaraboutthenewestgadgetsforclockingspeeders.Intheclassroomtheywereseatednexttoeachother.JimTilelikedBrendaRourkerightaway.Shehadasaneandhealthyoutlookonthejob,andshemadehimlaugh.Theytradedstoriesaboutfreakytrafficstops,lousypayandtheimpossibleFHPbureaucracy.Becausehewasblack,andfewfellowofficerswere,JimTilerarelyfeltcomfortableinaroomfulofstatetroopers.ButhefeltfinenexttoBrendaRourke,partlybecauseshewasaminority,too;theHighwayPatrolemployedevenfewerwomenthanblacksorLatins.

Duringonesession,abuzz-cutredneckshotarat-eyedlookatJimTiletoremindhimthatTrooperRourkewasawhitegirl,andthatstillcountedforplentyinpartsofFlorida.JimTiledidn'tgetupandmove;hekepthisseatbesideBrenda.Ittookthecrackertrooperonlyabouttwohourstoquitglaring.

Atthelunchbreak,JimTileandBrendaRourkewenttoanArby's.ShewasworriedaboutherupcomingtransfertoSouthFlorida;JimTilecouldn'tsaymuchtoallayherfears.ShesaidshewasstudyingSpanish,inpreparationforroaddutyinMiami.Thefirstphraseshe'dlearnedwas:Saledelcarroconlasmanosarriba.Outofthecarwithyourhandsup!

Atthetime,JimTileheldnoromanticintentions.BrendaRourkewasaniceperson,thatwasall.Heneverevenaskedifshehadaboyfriend.Afewmonthslater,whenhewasdowninDadeCountyforatrial,heranintoheratFHPheadquarters.LatertheywenttodinnerandthentoBrenda'sapartment,wheretheywereupuntilthreeinthemorning,chatting,ofallthings-initiallyoutofnervousness,andlateroutofaneasyintimacy.Thetriallastedsixdays,andeverynightJimTilefoundhimselfbackatBrenda'splace.Everymorningtheyawakenedexactlyasthey'dfallenasleep-herheadinthecrookofhisrightshoulder,hisfeethangingofftheshortbed.He'dneverfeltsopeaceful.AfterthetrialendedandJimTilereturnedtoNorthFlorida,heandBrendatookturnscommutingforlongweekends.

Hewasn'tmuchofatalker,butBrendacoulddragitoutofhim.SheespeciallylikedtohearaboutthetimehewasassignedtoguardthegovernorofFlorida-notjustanygovernor,buttheonewhp'dquit,disappearedandbecomealegendaryrecluse.Brendahadbeeninhighschool,butsherememberedwhenithappened.ThenewspapersandTVhadgonewild."Mentallyunstable,"waswhathertwelfth-gradecivicsteacherhadsaidoftherunawaygovernor.

WhenJimTilehadheardthat,hethrewbackhisheadandlaughed.Brendawouldsitcross-leggedonthecarpet,herchininherhands,engrossedbyhisstoriesoftheonetheynowcalledSkink.Outofloyaltyandprudence,JimTiledidn'tmentionthatheandthemanhadremainedtheclosestoffriends.

"IwishI'dmethim,"Brendahadsaid,inthepasttense,asifSkinkweredead.BecauseJimTilehad,perhapsunconsciously,madeitsoundlikehewas.

Now,twoyearslater,itseemedthatBrenda'simprobablewishmightcometrue.Thegovernorhadsurfacedinthehurricanezone.

OntheridebackfromCardSound,sheasked:"Whywouldhetiehimselftoabridgeduringastorm?"Itwasthelogicalquestion.

JimTilesaid,"He'sbeenwaitingforabigone."

"Whatfor?"

"Brenda,Ican'texplain.Itonlymakessenseifyouknowhim."

Shesaidnothingforamileortwo,then:"Whydidn'tyoutellmethatyoutwostilltalk?"

"Becauseweseldomdo."

"Don'tyoutrustme?"

"Ofcourse."Hepulledhercloseenoughtostealakiss.

Shepulledaway,asparkinherpale-blueeyes.

"You'regoingtotrytofindhim.Comeon,Jim,bestraightwithme."

"I'mafraidhe'sgotaloosewire.That'snotgood."

"Thisisn'tthefirsttime,isit?"

"No,"saidJimTile,"it'snotthefirsttime."

Brendabroughthishandtoherlipsandkissedhis

knuckleslightly."It'sOK,bigguy.Iunderstandaboutfriends."

FIVEWhentheygottoAugustine'shouse,BonnieLambcalledheransweringmachineinNewYork.ShelistenedtwicetoMax'smessage,thenreplayeditforAugustine.

"Whatdoyouthink?"sheasked.

"Notgood.Isyourhusbandworthalotofmoney?"

"Hedoesallright,buthe'snomillionaire."

"Andhisfamily?"

Bonniesaidherhusband'sfatherwasquitewealthy."ButI'msureMaxwasn'tfoolishenoughtomentionittothekidnappers."

Augustinemadenosuchassumption.HeheatedtomatosoupforBonnieandputcleanlinensonthebedintheguestroom.ThenhewenttothedenandcalledafriendwiththeFBI.Bythetimehegotoffthephone,BonnieLambhadfallenasleepontheliving-roomsofa.Hecarriedhertothespareroomandtuckedherunderthecovers.Thenhewenttothekitchenandfixedtwolargerib-eyesteaksandabakedpotato,whichhewasheddownwithacoldbottleofAmstel.

LaterhetookalonghotshowerandthoughtabouthowwonderfulMrsLamb-warmanddampfromtherainandsweat-hadsmelledinhisarms.Itfeltgoodtohaveawomaninthehouseagain,evenforjustanight.Augustinewrappedhimselfinatowelandstretchedoutonthehardwoodfloorinfrontofthetelevision.Heflippedbackandforthbetweenlocalnewsbroadcasts,hopingnottoseeanyofhisdeaduncle'swildanimalsrunningamok,orMrsLamb'shusbandbeingloadedintoacoroner'swagon.

AtmidnightAugustineheardacryfromtheguestroom.HecorrectlysurmisedthatMrsLambhaddiscoveredhisskullcollection.Hefoundhersittingup,thecoverspulledtoherchin.Shewasgazingatthewall.

"Ithoughtitwasadream,"shesaid.

"Pleasedon'tbeafraid."

"Aretheyreal?"

"Friendssendthemtome,"Augustinesaid,"fromabroad,mostly.OnewasaChristmaspresentfromafishingguideinIslamorada."Hewasn'tsurewhatBonnieLambthoughtofhishobby,soheapologizedforthefright."Somepeoplecollectcoins.I'mintoforensicartifacts."

"Bodyparts?"

"Notfreshones-artifacts.Believeitornot,agoodskullishardtocomeby."

Thatwasthelinethatusuallysentthemboltingforthedoor.Bonniedidn'tmove.

"CanIlook?"

Augustinetookonefromashelf.Sheinspecteditcasually,asifitwereacantaloupeinagrocerystore.Augustinesmiled;helikedthislady.

"Maleorfemale?"Bonnieturnedtheskullinherhands.

"Male,latetwenties,earlythirties.Guyanese,circa1940.CamefromamedicalschoolinTexas."

Bonnieaskedwhythelowerjawwasmissing.Augustineexplainedthatitfelloffwhenthefacialmuscles

decayed.Mostoldskullswerefoundwithoutthemandible.

Liftingitbytheeyesockets,Bonniereturnedthespookyrelictoitsplaceonthewall."Howmanyhaveyougotupthere?"

"Nineteen."

Shewhistled."Andhowmanyarewomen?"

"None,"saidAugustine."They'reallyoungmales.Soyou'vegotnothingtoworryyourprettyheadabout."

Sherolledhereyesatthejoke,thenasked:"Whyallmales?"

"Toremindmeofmyownmortality."

Bonniegroaned."You'reoneofthose."

"Othertimes,"Augustinesaid,"whenI'msuremylifehasgonetohell,Icomeinhereandthinkaboutwhathappenedtothesepoorbastards.Itimprovesmyoutlookconsiderably."

Shesaid,"Well,thatmakesaboutasmuchsenseaseverythingelse.CanItakeashower?"

Later,overcoffee,hetoldherwhattheFBImanhadsaid."They'lltreatyourhusband'sdisappearanceasakidnappingwhenthere'sacredibleransomdemand.Andhestressedtheword'credible.'"

"Butwhataboutthemessageonthemachine?Thatotherman'svoicecuttingin?"

"Ofcoursethey'lllistentoit.ButI'vegottowarnyou,they'reshorthandedrightnow.Lotsofagentsgothithardbythestorm,sothey'reoutonpersonalleave."

BonniewasexasperatedbythelackofinterestinMax'splight.Augustineexplainedthatrestlesshusbandsoftenusednaturaldisastersasacovertofleetheirwives.Preciousmanpowerandresourceswerewastedtrackingthemtotheapartments,condominiumsandhouseboatsoftheirrespectivemistresses.Consequently,post-hurricanereportsofmissingspouseswerenowreceivedwithchillyskepticism.

BonnieLambsaid,"ForGod'ssake,wejustgotmarried.Maxwouldn'ttakeoffonastuntlikethat."Augustineshrugged."Peoplegetcoldfeet."Sheleanedacrossthekitchentableandtookaswingathim.

Augustineblockedthepunchwithaforearm.HetoldMrsLambtosettledown.Hercheekswereflushedandhereyesshone.

Augustinesaid,"Imeantwecan'truleoutanything.""Butyouheardthatmanontheansweringmachine!""Yeah,andI'mwonderingwhyaseriouskidnapperwouldbesuchasmartass.'Don'tflatteryourself,Max.'Andthentheguygetsonthelineandsays,'Iloveyou,Bonnie.'Justtoneedleyourhusband,see?Makehimfeellikeshit."Augustinepouredmorecoffeeforbothofthem.Hesaid,"There'ssomethingdamnstrangeaboutit.That'sallI'msaying."

BonnieLambhadtoagree."Toleavehisvoicealloveratelephonetape-"

"Exactly.Theguy'seitherincrediblystupid,orhe'sgotbrassballs-"

"Orhejustdoesn'tcare,"Bonniesaid."Youpickeduponthat,too.""It'sscary."

Augustinesaid,"I'mnotsosure.""Don'tstartagain.Maxisnotfakingthis!""ThatstuffabouthavingyoucallPeteatRodale,theBroncobillboard-washetalkingincodeorwhat?Becausesomemaniackidnapsme,thelastthingI'mworriedaboutiskeepingupwithmyadaccounts.WhatI'mworriedaboutissavingmyhide."

Bonnielookedaway."Youdon'tknowMax,whataworkaholicheis."

Augustinepushedbackfromthetable.Normallyhewasn'twildaboutwomenwhopunchedfornogoodreason.

"Whatdowedonow?"Sheheldthecupwithbothhands,shakingslightly."Youheardtheman'stone."

"Yeah,Idid."

"Let'sagreehe'snotyouraveragekidnapper.Whatishe?"

Augustineshookhishead."HowwouldIknow,MrsLamb?"

"It'sBonnie."Shestoodup,perfectlycalmnow,tighteningthesashontherobehe'dloanedher."Maybetogetherwecanfigurehimout."

Augustineemptiedhiscoffeeinthesink."Ithinkwebothneedsomesleep."

OnthewaybacktoTonyTorres'shouse,EdieMarshaskedSnapperifhehadastopwatch.

"Why?"

"BecauseIwanttoputaclockonthisjerk,"shesaid,"seehowlongittakesbeforehetriestoscrewme."

Snapper,whohaddaydreamedofdoingthesamething,said:"Igivehimtwodaysbeforehemakesamove.

"Igivehimtwohours,"Ediesaid."Sowhat'llyoudo?Tengrand'stengrand."Ediesaid,"Youbetterbejoking.I'dshovehotdaggersinmyeyesbeforeI'dletthatpigtouchme."ItwasalongbleakslidefromdatingaKennedytofuckingamobile-homesalesman.

"Whatifhedon'tletup?"askedSnapper.

"ThenIwalk."

"Yeah,but-"

"Hey,"Ediesaid,"youwantthemoneysobad,youfuckhim,OK?Ithinkthetwoofyou'dmakeaverycutecouple."

Snapperdidn'tpresstheissue.He'dalreadyhatchedabackupplan,incasetheTorresdealfellapart.Avilawasinahappymoodwhenhe'dcalledthemotel.Apparentlythesanteriasaintshadinformedhimhecouldbecomeveryrichbystartinghisownroofingbusiness.Thesaintshadpointedoutthatthehurricanelefttwohundredthousandpeoplewithoutshelter,andthatmanyofthesepoorfolksweresodesperatetogettheirhousesrepairedthattheywouldn'tthinkofaskingtoseeavalidcontractor'slicense,whichofcourseAviladidnotpossess.

"Butyou'reafraidofheights,"Snapperhadremindedhim.

"That'swhereyoucomein,"Avilahadsaid."I'mtheboss,you'retheforeman.Allweneedisacrew."

"Meaningyouwon'tbejoiningusupontheroofwiththeboilingtarinthehotsun."

"Jesus,Snap,somebody'sgottohandlethepaperwork.Somebody'sgottowriteupthecontracts."

Snapperhadinquiredaboutthesplit.Avilasaidguysheknewwerechargingfifteengrandperroof,athirdofitupfront.Hesaidsomehomeownerswereofferingcash,tospeedthejob.Avilasaidtherewasenoughworkaroundtokeepthembusyfortwoyears.

"Thankstoyou,"Snapperhadsaid.

Avilafailedtoseeironyinthefactthatcorruptlyincompetentbuildinginspectionswereachiefreason

thatsomanyroofshadblownoffinthestorm,andthatsomuchnewbusinesswasnowavailableforincompetentroofers.

"Youguysplanitthisway?"Snapperhadasked.

"Planwhat?"

Snapperdidn'ttrustAvilaasfarashecouldspit,buttheroofingoptionwassomethingtoconsiderifTorreswentsour.

ThetrailersalesmanalsohappenedtobeinsunnyspiritswhenSnapperandEdieMarsharrived.Hewassprawled,shirtless,inachaiseonthefrontlawn.HeworeBermudashortsandmonogrammedsockspulledhighonhishairyshins.Thebarreloftheshotgunpokedoutfromastackofnewspapersonhislap.WhenEdieMarshandSnappergotoutofthecar,Tonyclappedhishandsandexclaimed:"Iknewyou'dbeback!"

"AregularNostradamus,"saidEdie."Istheelectricityupyet?Wepickedupsomestufffortherefrigerator."

Tonyreportedthatthepowerremainedoff,andtheportablegeneratorhadrunoutofgasovernight.HewasstoringfoodintwolargeIgloocoolers,packedwithicehe'dpurchasedfromgougersfortwentydollarsabag.Thegoodnews:Telephoneservicehadbeenrestored.

"AndIgotthroughimmediatelytoMidwestCasualty,"Tonysaid."They'resendinganadjustertodayortomorrow."

Ediethought:Toogoodtobetrue."Sowewait?"

"Wewait,"Tonysaid."Andremember,it'sNeria.N-e-r-i-a.Middleinitial,GasinGomez.What'dyoubuy?"

"Tunasandwiches,"Snapperreplied,"cheese,eggs,icecream,DietSpriteandstalefuckingLornaDoones.

Therewasn'tmuch tochoose from."He iced thegroceries, foundapool chairandtookapositionupwindofthesweatyTonyTorres.Theskyhadclearedandthesummersunblazeddown,butitwaspointlesstolookforshade.Therewasn'tany;allthetreesinTurtleMeadowwereleveled.

Tony complimented Edie Marsh for costuming herself as an authentichousewife-jeans, white Keds, a baggy blouse with the sleeves turned up. Hisonlycomplaintwasthesea-greenscarfinherhair.Hesaid,"Silkisalittlemuch,consideringthecircumstances."

"Because it clashes with those gorgeous Bermudas of yours?" Edie glared atTonyTorresasifhewereamaggotonaweddingcake.Shewasdisinclinedtoremovethescarf,whichwasoneofherfavorites.ShehadboosteditfromaLord&Taylor'sinPalmBeach.

"Suit yourself," saidTony. "Point is, details are damn important. It's the littlethingspeoplenotice."

"I'lltryandkeepthatinmind."

Snapper said, "Hey,MisterSalesmanof theYear, canwe run theTVoff thatgenerator?"

Tonysaidsure,iftheyonlyhadsomegasoline.

Snapper tapped his wristwatch and said, "Sally Jessy comes on in twentyminutes.Menwhoseducetheirdaughter-in-law'smother-in-law."

"Noshit?Wecouldsiphonyourcar."Tonypointedattherubbleofhisgarage."There'sahoseintheresomeplace."

Snapperwenttofindit.EdieMarshsaiditwasalousyideatosiphonfuelfromthecar,sincetheymightbeneedingspeedytransportation.Snapperwinkedandtold her not toworry.Off hewent, ambling down the street, the garden hosecoiledonhisleftshoulder.

Edie expropriated the pool chair. Tony Torres perked up. "Sc2>ot closer,darling."

"Wonderful,"shesaid,underherbreath.

Thesalesmanfannedhimselfwith theMiamiHeraldsportspages.Hesaid,"Itjust now hit me:Men who steal their daughter-in-law's mother-in-law. That'sprettyfunny!Hedon'tlooklikeacomedian,yourpartner,butthat'sagoodone."

"Oh,he'sfullofsurprises."Edieleanedbackandclosedhereyes.Thesunshinefeltgoodonherface.

The hurricane had transformed the trailer court into a sprawling aluminumjunkyard.IraJacksonfoundLot17becauseofthebrightyellowtape,thatpolicehad roped around the remains of the double-wide mobile home where hismother,Beatrice,haddied.Afteridentifyingherbodyatthemorgue,IraJacksonhaddrivendirectlytoSuncoastLeisureVillage,toseeforhimself.

Notonetrailerhadmadeitthroughthestorm.

Fromthedebris,IraJacksonpulledhismother'sCraftmaticadjustablebed.Themattresswascurleduplikeagianttacoshell.IraJacksoncrawledinsideandlaydown.

Herecalled,asifitwereyesterday,themorningheandhismothermetwiththesalesmantoclosethedeal.Theman'snamewasTony.TonyTorres.Hewasfat,gassy and balding, yet extremely self-assured. Beatrice Jackson had beenimpressedwithhispitch.

"MisterTorressaysit'sbuilttogothroughahurricane."

"Ifindthathardtobelieve,Momma."

"Ohyes,MisterJackson,yourmother'sright.Our

prefabricatedhomesaremadetowithstandgustsuptoonehundredtwentymilesperhour.That'sdU.S.governmentregulation.Otherwisewecouldn'tsell'em!"

IraJacksonwasinChicago,beatingupsomescabsforaTeamsterslocal,whenhe'dheardaboutthehurricaneheadedforSouthFlorida.He'dphonedhismotherandurgedhertomovetoaRedCrossshelter.Shesaiditwasoutofthequestion.

"Ican'tleaveDonaldandMaria,"shetoldherson.

Donald and Maria were Mrs Jackson's beloved miniature dachshunds. Thehurricaneshelterwouldn'tallowpets.

So Ira'smother had stayed home out of loyalty to her. dogs and amisplacedconfidence that themobile-homesalesmanhadtold the truthabouthowsafe itwas. Donald and Maria survived the hurricane by squeezing under an oakcredenzaandsharingarawhidechewtoytopassthelongnight.Aneighborhadrescuedthemthenextmorningandtakenthemtoavet.

Beatrice Jackson was not so lucky. Moments after the hurricane stripped thenorth wall off her double-wide, she was killed by a flying barbecue thatbelonged tooneofherneighbors.The imprintof thegrill remainedvisibleonherface,peacefulasitwas,lyingintheDadeCountymorgue.

Beatrice'sdeathhadnoeffectwhatsoeveron themoodofherdachshunds,buthersonwasinconsolable.IraJacksonragedathimselfforlettinghismotherbuythetrailer.IthadbeenhisideaforhertomovetoFlorida-butthat'swhatguysinhislineofworkdidfortheirwidowedmothers;gotthemoutofthecoldweatherandintothesunshine.

Godhelpme,IraJacksonthought,tossingrestively

onthemechanicalmattress.Ishould'veheldoffanotheryear.WaitedtillIcouldaffordtoputherinacondo.

That cocksucker Torres. A-hundred-twenty-mile-per-hour gusts.What kind ofscumwouldlietoawidow?

"Excuseme!"

Ira Jackson bolted upright to see a gray-hairedman in awhite undershirt andbaggypants.Skinandbones.Wire-rimmedeyeglassesthatmadehimlooklikeaheron.Inonearmhecarriedabrownshoppingbag.

"Haveyouseenanurn?"heasked.

"Jesus,what?"

"Ablueurn.Mywife'sashes.It'slikeabottle."

Ira Jackson shook his head. "No, I haven't seen it." He rose to his feet. Henoticedthattheoldmanwasshaking.

"I'mgoingtokillhim,"hesaidangrily.

IraJacksonsaid,"Who?"

"Thatlyingsonofabitchwhosoldmethedouble-wide.Isawhimhereafterthehurricane,buthetookoff."

"Torres?"

"Yeah." The old man's cheeks colored. "I'd murder him, swear to God, if Icould."

IraJacksonsaid,"You'dgetamedalforit."Humoringtheguy,hopinghe'drunoutofsteamandgoaway.

"Hell,youdon'tbelieveme."

"Sure Ido."Hewas tempted to tell theoldman toquitworrying,SenorTonyTorreswouldbetakencareof.Mostdefinitely.ButIraJacksonknewitwouldbefoolishtodrawattentiontohimself.

Theoldmansaid:"Myname'sLevonStichler.Ilivedfourlotsover.Wasityourmotherthatdiedhere?"

IraJacksonnodded.

LevonStichlersaid,"I'mrealsorry.I'mtheonefoundhertwodogs-they'reatDrTyler'sinNaranja."

"She'dappreciate that,mymother."IraJacksonmadeamentalnote topickupthedachshundsbeforethevet'sofficeclosed.

Theoldmansaid,"Mywife'sashesblewawayinthehurricane."

"Yeah,well,ifIcomeacrossabluebottle-"

"What the hell could they do tome?"LevonStichlerwore aweird quaveringsmirk. "For killing him,what