Still Learning Yet

8/7/2019 Still Learning Yet

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STILLLEARNINGYET:

AMemoirofPowerlessnessandAwakening

BySaraRedpath


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StillLearningYetChapter1:Bottom 2

Beforecrossingtheborder,IstoppedatthePeaceBridgeduty-freestoreandbought

thelargestbottleofvodkaIcouldfindandatouristt-shirtwithastylizedmapleleafonit.I

hadgrownlessandlessfondofCanadaoverthecourseofthewinterthatIlivedinOntario,

butsuddenlyaburstofnostalgiamademethinkIwouldmissitonceIwasgoneandIhad

therareforesighttograbamementowhileIcould.

Idontrememberhow,orevenif,Imadetheeighthourtripsouthwithoutstopping

foradrink.WhenIarrivedinPeapackitwasdark,late.Mymomwasupwaitingforme.It

washerfiftiethbirthday.Ibroughtthenecessarybagsinside,saidgoodnighttoherandmy

step-fatherLou,shutmyselfinmybedroom,phonedAndytolethimknowIgotinsafely,

andtookalong,well-deservedswigofvodka.Idrankmoreandcriedmoreand,exhausted,

finallyfellasleep.

Iwallowedthefirstcoupleofdays,flippingthroughphotos,rereadingoldletters

andcradlingpreciousgifts,takingsipsofboozetohelpdullthepain.However,itdidnt

takelongforMomtogetonmycaseaboutthedrinking,advisingmeitwasthesourceof

allmyproblems,thattherewasnoplaceforitinherhouse,andthatI,therefore,neededto

quit.IdecidedtostopthatweekendbothtoappeaseherandbecauseIknewshewasright.

QuittingwastheonlywayIwasgoingtomoveforward,eitherbystartinganewlifeor

eventuallygettingbacktogetherwithAndy.Ihidtheremainingboozedeepinmycloset,so

Iwouldntbetempted,andsteeledmyselfagainsttheagonytocome.

ThefirstmorningandafternoonIwasviolentlyill.Afterrepeatedtripstothe

bathroom,therewasnothingleftinmystomachbutacidandIwasshakingandchilled.I

knewthisfeelingwell.ItwasntthefirsttimeIhadgonethroughwithdrawal.Itooksome


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clonazepamthatIhadbeenprescribedforanxietyattacks,whichhelpedalittle,notas

muchasValiumortheLibriumIhadbeengivenatdetoxinVirginia,butittooktheedgeoff.

OnSaturday,MomandLouwerehostingapartyforherbirthdayandthehousewas

filledwithalltheirfriends,whoofcourseknewIwasbackintown,soIhadtomakean

appearanceinspiteofmycondition.Theymilledaround,drinkingbeerandwinefroma

largesupplyMomhadlaidinfortheoccasion.ItriednottolookashorridasIfelt.Afew

familyfriendsstruckupconversationandaskedhowIwasdoing.Iexplainedhow

devastatedIwasbymyseparationandhowlifehadgottenalittleoutofcontrol,butthatI

wastryingtoturnitaround.IeventoldafewpeopleabouthowIwassoberingupcold-

turkey,whichwasmakingmereallyill,astheycouldplainlysee.Ididntthinkabouthow

strangethismightsoundtothesenormal,moderatedrinkers.Iwasjustlookingforalittle

sympathy,realorfeigned.

Myfamilydentist,whowasanoldfriendofmymoms,wasattheparty.Hehad

caredformyteethsinceIhadteethandprobablyoutofloyaltytomymomandperhapsa

littlepityforme,mentionedthatheneededanewreceptionistandsaidIshouldgetin

touchwhenIfeltbetter.Igotthroughtheremainderoftheeveningandtheweekend.I

wascommittedtostartingover.WhenIphonedAndytotellhimaboutmynewresolvehe

seemedhappyforme,indicatingthiswasjustwhathehopedwouldhappenbysendingme

backtomyfolks.

Thenextweek,feelingalittlelessnauseated,Igotintouchwithmydentistand

securedmyfirstofficialpost-collegejob.Hegavemeinstructionsonwhatwasrequiredfor

bookingappointmentsandIstartedfieldingcallsandgreetingpatientslikeapro.Every

day,IcounteddownthehoursfeelingvictoriousforeachoneIgotthroughwithoutadrink.


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Mymomwasanenthusiasticsupporter.Wecelebratedmymakingitthroughaweek.My

bosstookmeoutforalunchandIthinkevenhewasproudofmynewbeginning.

Butthenathoughtcreptin.IfIhaditoutofmysystemforlongenough,Imightbe

abletostartagainwithjustabeer,justonelittledrinkonceinawhile.ItbecameallIcould

thinkaboutuntiloneday,maybewhatwouldhavebeenmytenth,theobsessionwonandI

relented.IrationalizeditasalwaysIwasworking,Ideservedadrinkafteralonghard

dayandalongcommute.Ideservedtohavesomethingtolookforwardtowhentherestof

mylifewasstillsoempty.IknewIcouldnthandletoomuchbutIconvincedmyselfI

wouldbeabletocontrolitbetterthistime.Alllies.Ialwaysdrankonalie.

Whenwhatwouldhavebeenfourteendayscamearound,Momcongratulatedme

again.Iplayeditdown,lyingthroughmyteeththatIwasstillabstaining.Ihadstarted

withacoupleofbeersfromthehugecoolerofpartyleftoversinthebasement.ThenI

brokedownandboughtasmallbottleofvodkaandsomebeertoreplacetheonesI

borrowed.IfiguredifthebottlewassmallIwouldrationitbetter.Itdidntstrikemeas

oddthatIhadtotryandrationmyalcoholintakeorthatIattemptedtotrickmyselfinto

drinkingless.SoonIstartedtakinganipinthemorningbeforegoinginforworktohelp

withmyhangoverandshakiness.ThenIboughtanother,largerbottle

Iknewthereceptionistjobwouldonlybetemporary.Itwasafairlylongcommute

inmiserableJerseytrafficandonlypaidabasicwage.Iusedsomeofmytimethere

researchingotheropportunities.Mymomtoldmethatoneofhercyclingfriendswas

openingabakerydownthestreetfromourhouseinalittlerowofshopsthatcomprised

thedowntowncoreofPeapack.Iwentinandinquiredaboutajobasacashier.Theowner


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hiredmeandIbeganmytrainingthere.Igavemydentistmynoticebuthedidntseem

heartbroken.Funnilyenough,healreadyhadsomeonelineduptotakemyplace.

LiketheBostonrestaurantjobseveralyearsearlier,Ibeganatthebakerynotwith

theglamourofservingcustomers,butbycleaningtheglassdisplaycasesandlearning

aboutthefancypastriesandcakeswithnameslikegianduja.Itwasasweetlittle

storefront.TheownerhadtrainedinFranceandshehadrenovatedthespacetolooklikea

classicParisianpatisseriewithblackandwhitecheckeredtiles,pinkcakeboxesand

wroughtironcaftables.Iwasexcitedaboutthenewjob,nottomentiontheavailabilityof

freeordiscountedpastries,butcontinuedtolookforamorepromisingandpermanent

careeropportunity.

Icontactedatempagencyspecializinginlegalwork.Theyseemedinterestedinme.

IhadaninterviewwiththeirrecruiterandthenaninterviewwithafirmwhereIwastobe

placedasatemp-to-permlegalassistant.Itwouldbemoremoneyandasomewhathigher

titlethanIhadachievedatanyofthefirmswhereIhadworkedsummersduringcollege.It

wasabouttimeIwasmovingupintheworld,Ithought.Althoughshehadyettoevenopen

thedoors,IwarnedthepastryshopownerthatIwouldonlybeavailableparttime,

possiblyonweekends,asIdbestartingmyrealjobsoon.Sherelegatedmetoon-call

shiftsonlyandsaidtheywouldphonewhenandiftheywantedmyhelp.However,assoon

asIhadmadethedecision,IwasalittlesorryIhadntarrangedthingstheotherway

around.

DuringthecourseoftrainingatthebakeryIhadtalkedalittletotheotherstaff,

someofwhomwerecommutingallthewayfromNewYorktobeabletointernthere.They

madeitsoundlikeIwasgivingupwhatwas,tothematleast,aparticularlydesirable


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opportunityworkingunderaFrench-trainedpastrychef.Infact,runningorowningthat

typeofbusinesswassomethingIcouldseemyselfenjoyingsomeday.Ihadevenlikedthe

ideaofbakingpiesandsellingthemtolocalcafes,likemymomhaddoneforsparecash

whenwewerekids.IthadappearedonalistofpotentialcareersthatIhadmadeduringa

half-heartedattempttofigureoutwhatIwantedtodowithmylifewhileIwasstillin

Kitchener.ButtherewasalwaysacompromiseIwasntwillingtomakewhenitcameto

findingatruevocation.Inthiscase,Imighthavelikedworkingforasmallbusiness,maybe

eveneventuallygettingthechancetolearnsomeprofessionalbaking,butitwasalso

difficultanddirtyworkandwouldneverpaymewhatIthoughtIwasworth.By

comparison,Iwasexpectingtoearnasubstantialwageattheofficejob,whichwould

hopefullyhelptopayforthenewshoesIhadpurchasedheelswererequiredand

eventuallyallowmetomoveoutonmyown.

Alcoholhasabizarreeffectontime.Itshortensandlengthensandblursminutes

andhours,andsomeiterasesaltogether.Ilostdays.Idontrememberexactlyhowmany

timesafterImovedbacktoNewJerseythatIattemptedtoquitdrinkingandwentthrough

allthewithdrawalsymptomsonlytofindmyselfdrunkagainaftertwoorthreedays.The

timeIspentattemptingnottodrinkalwaysseemedlongerthanthetimeIspentdrunk

eventhoughitwas,ofcourse,theotherwayaround.BetweenthedaysIspentwasted,

blackedoutorpassedout,andthoseIspentwithmyheadhungoverthetoiletorshaking

inbed,entireweeksseemedtovanish.IknowIwasdrinkingagainbythetimeIleftthe

dentistsjob.IhadntevenmadeittwoweeksandthatwasthelongeststretchIhad

managedinnearlyayear.


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QuicklyIfellintotheroutineoffrequentingdifferentliquorstores.Itriednottogo

tothesamestoretwodaysinarow,lestsomeonethererecognizeandjudgemeforthe

quantityofvodkaandwineIwasbuyingorthefrequencyofmyvisits.Therewasa

strategytomypurchasesaswellItriedtobuyasmuchandascheaplyasIcould,of

course,butwithouttheappearancethatIwasstockingabar,throwinghugepartiesona

nightlybasis,orasseriouslyalcoholicasIactuallywas.Tocomplicatematters,Ihadto

sneakanypurchasesintothehouse,whichwasntanissueifIgothomebeforeMomorLou,

butwastrickytodisguiseotherwise.SometimesIstoppedatthecommutertrainstation

parkinglotonmywayhomeforseveralswigsincaseIcouldntgetthebottleintomyroom

rightaway.Ialsostartedcarryingalargerpurse.

MyneedsweresimpleIhadtohaveenoughtolastatleastoneday,overnight,and

forthenextmorning,butIusuallywantedenoughforacoupleofdaysjustincaseIwasnt

feelingwellenoughtoventureoutandsoImightnothavetogothroughthisshopping

ordealdaily.IfIcalculatedpoorlyandranout,mymomstillhadthestashofbeerandwine

fromherparty.Ioftenendedupsneakingdowntothebasementinthemiddleofthenight

aftershewenttobed,clingingtothehandrailtoavoidslidingdownthecarpetedstepsin

mystupor.Idstandinfrontofthecooleranddebateaboutwhetheritwasbettertoonly

takeonebottle,hopingandpretendingIwouldntneedanotherlater,ortojustgoahead

andtaketwoorthreesoIwouldnthavetoattempttheheistforasecondtimeinthesame

evening.MultipletimesIreplenishedthatsupplysoshewouldntrealizeIwastaking

anything.

Ofcourse,therewasalsothematterofdisposingtheempties.Ifmytimingwas

good,Icouldsometimessneakthemintothebottomofourrecyclingbin,coveringthemup


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withsodacansandmilkjugsjustbeforepickupwithoutMomorLounoticing.Otherwise,I

hadseveralpublicgarbagecansonacircuitthatIwoulddumpbagsofemptiesin,butonly

atnight.OnceacarpulledintotheparkinglotjustasIwasleavingsomeinacanoutsidea

drugstoreinBernardsville.Ineverwentbacktothatstore.Iwaslegitimatelynervous

aboutdrivingaroundwithabagofemptyboozebottlesinthecar,especiallygivenIwas

nearlyalwaysdrivingdrunk.Somewhatmorebizarrely,Ialsofeltguiltyaboutthrowing

perfectlyrecyclablebottlesintotheregulartrash.SometimesIdaccumulatehalfadozen

ormoreemptyjugsinmyclosetbeforeIcouldgetthemouttoasafegarbagecan.Ialso

hadpartialbottleshiddenallaroundmyroomunderthemattress,behindthebed,inthe

closet,inmynightstandandotherdresserdrawers.Itwasdifficulttokeeptrackand

sometimesIwoulddiscoverabottlewithboozeinitthatIhadforgottenwhichwaslike

findingrealtreasure.

Justthepurchasing,consumptionanddisposalwereanexhaustingroutine.Then

therewerethehangovers,thefeelingofbeingconstantlysick,jittery,weak.Iwas

occasionallypleasantlybuzzedandsometimeshappilyobliterated,butmostofthetimeI

wasjustplaindrunk,protestingtomymomthatIwasntasIleanedonwallstokeepfrom

fallingover,deludingmyselfthatshecouldnttell.Iwasadaily,blackout,fall-down

drinker,andIstillbelievedthatitwasmylittlesecret.IstillthoughtIcouldgetitunder

control.

IknowItriedtoquitagainwhenIstartedatthebakeryandwasinterviewingforthe

legalposition.Ibeganworkingatwhatwasmythirdjobintwomonthswithagroupof

legalassistantswhohadbeenhiredsimultaneously.ItwasbyfarthemostformalfirmI


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hadworkedfor;theyhadpagesofrulesrangingfromthedresscodetosecuritymeasures.

WeweregivenkeycardsforgettingintothedifferentsectionsofthefirmandIsuspected

theycouldtracemyeverymovementduringthedayiftheywanted.Iwasassignedtotwo

ofthemoreseniorparalegalassistantsformyorientationandtheytookmeoutfora

workinglunchoneafternoonasawelcominggesture.AllIcouldthinkaboutatthatlunch

washowmuchniceritwouldhavebeenwithaglassofwine,butthatwasfrownedupon.

Ihadbegunwithsuchhighhopesforanewstart,thechancetoreinventmyself.I

broughtinafewaccessoriesformydeskasIdseenother,permanentstaffdoatother

offices,butIstillfelttransient,likeIwouldntbetherelong.Iattemptedonoccasionto

makeconversationwiththegirlswhohadmentoredmeforthefirstweek,butoncetheir

officialwelcomingresponsibilitieswerethroughtheybegantoignoreme.Itseemedno

onewantedtolistentomelamentaboutmyshort-termmarriage.Iwasstillthesame

scared,lonelygirlwhofeltincapableandunworthyofinitiatingafriendship.

Myfirstassignmentafterorientationwasdataverification.Itwasboringwork,

reallyboring.Itdidnttakelongformetostartspendingmydaysfantasizingabouthow

niceandrelaxingadrinkwouldbewhenIgothome.Afterlessthanaweekonthejob,I

wentbacktooneofmyregularliquorstores.Thecashiercommentedthathehadntseen

meinalittlewhileand,attemptingtosoundlighthearted,IrepliedthatIhadtriedtoquit

drinking.Ipaidformypurchases,almostapologizingforthebusinessmybriefattemptat

sobrietyhadcosthim.

WitheverybattletostopdrinkingthatIfoughtandlost,Ifeltmorehumiliated.I

oftenstartedwithahalforpint-sizebottle,smallenoughtohideinmypurse,smallenough

thatImightbeabletorationitandforcemyselftodrinklessbyhavinglessavailableto


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drink.Invariably,IwouldendupinMomssupplybeforeIrealizedthefollyofmyideaand

wentbacktothevalue-sizebottles.Likewise,IwouldbeginbydrinkingatnightwhenIgot

home,butwithindaysIwouldneedadrinkinthemorningtosettlemynervesand

stomach.SoonIwasgoingintoworkalreadybuzzed.

Betweentheboredomofmyworkandmyslightandconstantinebriation,Iwas

usuallyhalfasleepallmorning,strugglingtokeepmyeyesopenandmyhandsonthe

keyboard,attemptingtoappearproductive.Mygrandfatherlivedabouttenminutesfrom

theofficeandheinvitedmeoverforlunchoneday.Irealizedwhatagoodarrangementit

couldbe,asIcouldsneakinafewdrinksathisplaceandthenreturnforworkinthe

afternoon.MorethanonceIwentoverthere,exhaustedfromtheroutineanditsemotional

tollonmeand,probablymorethanalittleintoxicated,Ifellasleepinthesparebedroom.

OnceItookatwo-hourlunchnap.WhenIreturnedmyparalegalsupervisor,who

wasaboutsevenmonthspregnant,waschattingwithsomeofthegirls,showingthem

photosofherbabyshowerorsomething.SheaskedwhereIhadbeenandIrepliedIwasnt

feelingwell,soIhadtakenabreak,nodifferentIthoughtfromtheoneshewastakingby

passingaroundherphotos.Laterthatdayorthatweek,timebeingelusiveatthispoint,I

wascalledintohersupervisortoanswerformyworkethicwhichwasmorethanalittle

lacking.IgaveasnarkyreplyabouthowthebreaksIwastakingmightnotbeasinteresting

tomycolleaguesasthetimemysupervisorspentdiscussingherbaby-to-be,butthatIwas

dealingwithmyownhealthissues.

Thatweekend,orearlythefollowingweek,Igotaphonecallfrommycontactatthe

tempagency,whichwasstilltechnicallymyemployer.SheaskedifIhadbeengoingto

workdrunk.Ilied.Sherehashedthedetailsofmyinsolenceoverthephotoepisodeand


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confirmedthatIwouldnotbewelcomebackatthelawfirmduetomydrinkingandpoor

performance.Theywouldshipmemypersonalbelongings,mykeycardwasdeactivated,

andIwasnotpermittedbackonthepremises.Iwasdisproportionatelyshockedand

outraged,mostlyformymomsbenefit,whoinstantlyaccusedmeoflosingthejobbecause

ofmydrinking,whichI,ofcourse,denied.

IrelayedmyvictimizationtoAndyoverthephonethatnight.Wewerestilltalking

onanalmostnightlybasisashekeptmecompanywhileIconsumedenoughalcoholtofall

asleep.SometimesMomwouldletherselfintomyroomduringoneoftheseconversations

andIwouldhavetoswiftlydropthebottleinthespacebetweenthebedandwallsoshe

wouldntcatchme.Wehadwoodfloorsandtheglassbottlesusuallymadealoudthumpas

IletgoandtriedtopretendlikeIwasntdoinganythingwrong.Thinkingaboutitnow,it

wasprobablylessthandiscreet.

Occasionally,Iwasnotquickenoughandshewouldseizethebottle,confiscatingit

fordisposal.Tomethiswasliketakingawayoxygenshedidntseemtounderstandhow

desperatelyIneededthealcoholinmysystemandtheconsequencesthenextmorningifI

didnthavesomewithwhichtostartmyday.Ibeganbarricadingmybedroomdoorto

keepherout,firstbyproppingawickerchairundertheknob,whichwasntveryeffective,

thenbyslidingheavierfurnitureinfrontofit.Shewouldshoutatmefromthehalland

indignant,Iwouldlaughitofforsimplyignoreher.Icouldnotunderstandwhatshewasso

pissedaboutIwastheonewhowasunemployed,separatedfrommyhusband,backliving

withmyparents,friendless,nearlybroke,andalone.IdrankbecauseIcouldntnotdrink

andIwastheonewhohadtodealwiththecraving,purchasing,consuming,ensuing

hangovers,disposal,remorse,andoverwhelmingsenseoffailurewhentimeandagainI


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wouldattempttoquitandfail.Iwastheonlyonewhodeservedtobeangryor

disappointed,Ithought,butIwouldhaveafewdrinksandforcemyselftogetpastit.I

figuredsheshouldbeabletodothesame.

Ifeltsodefeatedafterthislatestjobloss,soverysorryformyself.Ialsohadntbeen

calledintoworkforthebakeryinweeks,sothatjobwasnon-existent,officiallyor

otherwise.AllIhadleftwasAndyandthehopethatbyturningoveranewleafwemightbe

abletogetbacktogether.AsbleakasKitchenerhadbeenwhenIleft,NewJerseywas

rapidlybecomingworse.OnthephoneIpromisedIwasdoingbetter.Ipledwithhimto

seemyprogressforhimselfbymeetingmeforaweekendinupstateNewYork.Itwouldbe

justlikewhenwewerefirstdatinglong-distance,meetinginSyracuseforromantic

rendezvous.Iwasconvincedhewouldwelcomemebackwithopenarms.

Timelinesarefuzzyandmemoriessparse.MostofwhatIknowaboutthisperiod

IvebeentoldafterthefactasalotofthetimeIwasinablackout.Forthesakeofthis

narrative,ImattemptingtosticktoonlywhatIactuallyrememberatthispoint.

Unfortunatelyforstory-telling,thatisntmuch.Imreasonablypositivethatinthe

sequenceofevents,IlostmyjobbeforegoingtoseeAndy.IbelievethiswaslateMay,butit

mighthavebeenearlyJune.IknowIsatinself-pityforseveraldaysafterthefatefulphone

call,waitingforasadlittleboxwithacoupleofmugs,aboxoftissuesandaplanttobe

shippedtome.ThenImayhavetriedtostopdrinkingagain,oratleastcutbackbeforemy

bigweekendtripwhenIwouldprovetoAndythatIhadreformed.

WemetinBinghamton.Hehadbookedahotelroominanold,characterhotel

downtown.Ithoughthewouldbesoexcitedtoseemeagainhedtakemebackonthespot.


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Ibroughtacoupleofmickeysofvodka,hiddeninadeeppocketinmysuitcase,tohelp

quietmyanxietyovertheemotionalreunionandforanyotheremergencymoments.I

reallyhadeveryintentionofbeinggood,however.Wecheckedin.Hehadbroughta

couplebottlesofthewinewehadmadeattheU-BrewinKitchener.Itwasalousyredbut

Ihadgottenusedtothetasteofcheapbuteffectivespirits.Afterrelaxingforabit,hewent

inthebathroomtocleanupfordinnerand,gratefulthatallwasgoingwell,Isnuckasip

frommystash.Hetookmeouttoanicerestaurantandwehadwhatmighthavebeena

lovelymeal.IknowwehaddrinksbutIdontrecallitbeingexcessive.However,between

thewine,myearlierfurtivesippingandpossiblytheanti-anxietymedsIwason,Ifeltmore

drunkthanusual.Itwasstrange-sometimesIcoulddrinkallnightanditwasntenough

formetopassout,andsometimesIwouldhardlyhaveanyandbeoutforthecount.

AttheendofthemealIneededtogetupandusethebathroomtopurgesomeofthe

foodandalcohol,whichwouldhopefullyrefreshmesowecouldenjoytherestofthenight.

IwasunsureofhowsteadyIwouldbeonmyfeetsoImumbledsomethingaboutnot

knowingwheretherestroomswereasanexcuseandaskedAndytoescortme.Iwasinthe

bathroomforalongtime,hopingIcouldgetmybearings,catchanotherwind.Iguesshe

gotworriedandsentawaitressintocheckonme.IsaidIwasfine,Idbeoutsoonandhe

couldgositdown.AlongwhileafterthatImademywaybacktothetable,tryingtoavoid

weavingintootherdiners.Iwasalittledrunk,buthopefullynooneelsenoticed.Thatwas

theendofourniceromanticevening.AfterAndypaid,IinsistedIwasnttiredorreadyto

gobacktotheroomyet.TherewerebarsacrossthestreetandIsuggestedwegointoone,

haveadrink,listentosomemusic.Welinedupatone,thebouncerlookedatus,lookedat


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meobviously,andrefusedusentry.IwasshockedandreadytoputupafightwhenAndy

grabbedmeandsteeredmebacktothehotel.

Idontrememberifitwaslaterthatnightorearlythenextmorning,butAndybegan

theconversation,sayinghecouldntdothisanymore.Hecouldntbewithme,couldnt

watchmeslowlydying.HesaidhehadhopedImighthaveimprovedsinceleavinghim,but

itappearedIwasevenworse.Idisagreed.Iwascertainlytryingtobebetter,ifonlyhe

couldseehowmuchIwantedtobesoberandeverythingIhadtriedinthelasttwomonths!

Hegavemebackmyengagementring.Ihadaskedhimtobringitthinkinghemightputit

onmyfingerasaromanticgestureofreunification,butwhenhehandedittome,itwas

morelikeapartinggift.Ishedsometears,butdidntargue.ThiswasnotthefantasyIhad

imagined.Inspiteofmyalcohol-inducednumbness,Icouldtellhewasseriousandthis

wastheendofus.

Thatnightwebarelyslept.Thebarsthatwehadnotgottenintoletoutaroundtwo

orthreeinthemorningandtherewasagreatdealofshoutinginthestreets.Iwasnt

sleepingmuchanywaywithoutsomeseriousself-medication.Andygotupinthemorning,

gavemeabottleofourwinetotakebackwithme,andwesaidtearfulgoodbyes.Iwas

stillprettytiredanddrunk.Icouldbarelygetmyheadoffthepilloworkeepmyeyesopen

soItoldhimthatIdphonethefrontdeskforalatecheckout.Ijustwantedalittlemore

sleepbeforedriving.IphoneddownandsaidIwasntfeelingwellandwouldliketostaya

bitlonger,butIdprobablybeoutbytwooclockifthatwasokaywiththem.Theysaid

sure,fine.IdranktherestofmyvodkastashafterAndyleftandpassedout.Aroundtwo,

stilldepressed,somewhatdrunkandreallytoooutofittodrive,Iphonedandaskedfora

fiveoclockcheckout.EarlythateveningIfinallybidfarewelltotheroomwhereAndyandI


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hadsharedwhatIassumedwouldbeourlastnighttogether,andmademywaybackto

NewJersey.

Mydownwardspiralprogressedrapidlyafterthatweekend.Ispentthenextfew

days,possiblyevenaweekmourningthelossofmyjob,myhusband,myfuture.Iwas

drinkingprettymuchconstantly.Imayhaveattemptedtoquitagain,butevencuttingback

leftmeviolentlyill.IrationedmyclonazepamandacoupleofpreciousValiumtodealwith

theworstoftheshakingandretching.Duringoneparticularlybadepisode,Istarted

hallucinatingandrecalltheimageofahuddleofmeanlookingfootballplayerswatchingme

fromtheendofmybed.

EvenifIdidmanagetogetpartiallyorcompletelythroughtheworstofthe

withdrawal,Isomehowalwayswoundupdrinkingagainwithinacoupleofdays.Iwould

thinkaboutdrinkingconstantly.Icouldseethebeerbottlesinthecoolerinthebasement

andfeltthemcallingtome.Icouldvirtuallyhearthesoundofthesealbreakingonanew

bottleofvodkaandfeeltheinstantwarmthandcomfortthatwouldfollowfromthefirst

drink.Ithoughtaboutthealcoholuntilitalmostmagicallymanifestedinmyhands.I

couldntseemtokeepfromgoingbacktothatbottlenomatterhowferventlyIhadjust

swornIwasfinished,nomatterhowagonizingthelastdrunkandthelastattemptat

quittinghadbeen.IhatedmyselfandIwasstartingtohatethebooze,too.Ihatedthetaste

ofitandtheburnonmythroat,rawfromheaving.Ikeptorangejuiceorsodabymybed

forachaser,butitwasntreallyenoughtogetthetasteoutofmymouth.Beforeeachgulp,

Iwouldtakethecapoffabottleandstareatitforagoodlongminute,wishingIdidnthave

toswallow,butIdidntseemtohaveachoice.


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Mymombecamestillmoreintolerantandonmorethanoneoccasion,whenIwasnt

quickenoughathidingabottle,sheprieditfrommeandpoureditdownthekitchensink.

Atonepoint,Ichasedafterher,tryingtograbitback,flailingatherinanger,andLouhadto

physicallyrestrainme.Theynotonlytookawaymykeys,butdisabledmycartokeepme

fromdrivingtotheliquorstore.OneafternoonwhentheywereoutIstartedwalkingthe

halfmileorsobetweenourhouseandthelittleliquorstorenexttothebakeryintown.I

madeitaboutablockdowntheroadandsomeguydrivingbymusthaveseenmyunsteady

gaitontheshoulder,tookpityonmeandofferedmealift.Ididntgivemuchthoughttothe

dangerofbeingpickedupbyacompletestranger,Iwasjustgratefulfortheride.Itwasan

unusuallywarmdayandIwassweatyandshakyanddesperatelyinneedofrelief.Isnuck

inandoutofthestorehopingnooneatthebakeryhadseenme,andinstantlyfeltbetter

justhavingthebottleinmypossession.Justtryandstopme,Ithought.IfIcantstopme,

theycertainlycant!Istrodevictoriouslybackhome,bottletuckedsafelyinmypurse.

Istartedkeepingarolloftoiletpapertuckedbetweenmybedandthewall.Iwas

lessandlessfrequentlyabletomakethetriptothebathroom,locatedjustnexttomy

bedroom,whenIneededtopeeorthrowupsoIimprovised,puttingwadsoftoiletpaperin

thegarbagecanbesidemybedtoabsorbthefluids.Ioftenwentnearlyaweekatatime

withoutshoweringbecauseIcouldntstanduprightforasufficientlylongperiodand

becauseIdidntreallycare.Amonthorsoearlieratmylastappointmentwitha

psychiatrist,theonlyonewhowouldseemeatareasonablerategivenmypresent

uninsuredcircumstances,heaskedifIhadbeendrinking.WhenIdeniedit,incredulously,

feelingcertainIhadconsumedenoughbreathstripstohideanyscent,hesaidhecould

smellitcomingoutmypores.NowevenIcouldsmellit,asouracidicscent,onmyhands,


18/21


arms,probablycomingouteverypore,justlikehehadsaid.Somuchforthe

inconspicuousnessofvodka.Iwasdisgustedwithmyselfanddrankevermorehopingto

obliterateallfeelings,especiallythoseofself-loathing.

NolongerabletohavemynightlyphoneconversationswithAndy,Istarteddialing

anyoneIthoughtmightlisten.Ididntcallmyex-bestfriend,whohatedmeandmy

drinkingalmostasmuchasIdid,butIdidphoneherfatheronenightatsomeungodlyhour

tocryaboutmyimpendingdivorce.Anothernight,aroundelevenoclock,IcalledCharlie,a

formerloverfrommyBostondays,athishouse.Ihadcarefullyresearchedhisaddressand

homephonenumberinoneofmymorelucidmoments,buthadpromisedmyselfIwould

neveruseitexceptinanemergency.Mycurrentsituationseemedtoqualify.Fortunately

heansweredinsteadofhiswife,buthesoundedshocked,concerned,andpossiblyalittle

angrynotreallyinthemoodforalongsympatheticconversationaboutthedemiseofmy

short-livedmarriageandmygeneralhopelessstate,norexactlyeagertorenewour

relationship.Iwasrunningoutofpeople.

Thentherewasmygrandfather.Hehadalwaysbeensympathetic,infacthad

offeredmeanopeninvitetohishousewhereIcouldstaywithhimforatimeifIwas

havingtroubleathome.PreviouslyIhadavoidedsayingyesorno.Somewhereintheback

ofmyminditjustdidntfeelright,althoughthathadnotstoppedmefromusinghisguest

roomtosleepoffmyhangoverswhileIhadbeenworking.However,Istartedtoconsiderit

asanoptionbeingasthesituationwithmymomwasbecomingmoreintolerableandI

knewthatwithhimIcoulddrinkasmuchasIwanted.

Originallyasocialdrinker,anoenophileinfact,hehad,overtheyears,begun

drinkingmoreheavilyhimself,althoughheseemedtokeepitconfinedtotheevening


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hours.AyearearlierhehadconsumedtoomuchCanadianClubwhileouttodinnerand

hadplowedhiscarheadlongintoanoncomingvehicle.Fortunatelynoonewasbadlyhurt,

buthiscarhadbeentotaledandheendedupintheemergencyroom.MomandLouwere

awaythatweekendandIwastheonewhogotthecallandhadtosignhimoutofpolice

custodyatthehospital.Ihaddriventheredrunk.

Havinglosthislicenseafterthatincident,Mompickedhimupathishouseone

eveningaftermytriptoBinghamtonandbroughthimbacktoourplacefordinner.I

emergedfrommyroom,stabilizedwithenoughliquorthatIwasntshaky,butnotsomuch

Iwouldbefallingoverdrunkatdinnerhopefully.Itwasadelicatebalance.Hesatonthe

couchhavinghisregularglassofCContherocksandIjoinedhim,hopingtoelicitsomepity

formymostrecentandtragicencounterwithAndyand,withanyluck,asiportwoofhis

whiskey.Ibeganbemoaningmyfateasatwenty-threeyearolddivorcee.Hemotioned

thatIshouldmovenexttohimifIwantedtosneakasipwithoutMomnoticing.Ididand

saidthanks,andmentionedthatImighteventakehimuponhisoffertocomeupandstay

withhimforawhile.Heseemedhappyaboutthisandturnedtogivemeakiss,thoughit

landedonmylipsratherthanmycheek.Thenhegavemeanother,moreintimatekiss,and

begantouchingme.BeforeIknewit,hewaskissingme,andnotlikeagrandfather.I

snappedbackwhenIrealizedwhatwashappeningandmovedaway.Ifeltarushof

emotions,mostlyguiltasthoughsomehowincravingthatsipIhadputmyselfinaposition

ofinvitinghisbehavior,andshameforallowingitforeventhatbriefamoment.Moreover,

forthefirsttimeIfeltthedarkandunequivocaltruthwhichwasthatIwascapableofdoing

anythingforadrink.


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IwascooltowardhimatdinnerandlaterMomaskedmewhy.WhenItookher

asideandexplainedwhathadhappenedwhileshehadbeeninthekitchen,herfirst

questionwaswhetherIhadbeendrinking.Sheclaimedtobelievemystory,evenifIwasa

littleinebriated,butdidntdoanythingaboutit,atleasttomysatisfaction.WhenIlater

askedifshehadtalkedtohimaboutitontheirdrivebacktohisplace,shesaidheclaimedI

wasequallyresponsible.HesaidhewassorrybutthatIshouldbe,too.Althoughutterly

wrong,itonlyconfirmedmysenseofself-loathingatthetime.Iwithdrewfurtherintomy

worldofremorse,guilt,shame,andself-pity.Iwithdrewintothebottle.

IspentmywakinghoursgoingoverinmymindallthewaysinwhichIhadbeen

hurt,slightedorotherwisevictimized.Imadelists,scrawledindrunkenpenmanship,ofall

thepeopleandconditionsthatwereoppressingme,tryingtofindanswersorblame.One,

whichIuncoveredayearlater,includedanitem,lastonthelistdrinking,neverending?

Itrulyfeltalcoholwastoblameforalotofmypain,butfearedIwouldneverescapethe

viciouscircleofdrinking,sickness,quitting,sickness,andthehumiliatingdefeatofstarting

alloveragain.Icouldntseehowitwouldbepossibletocontinuelivingthatway,andI

didntknowhowtostop.Ifelthopeless,utterlydefeatedandfranklyIjustwantedtobe

lockedup,putsomewheresafe,forsomeoneelsetoberesponsibleforme.Iwanted

medicalsupervisionandthegooddrugsthatlessenedthecripplingphysicaltortureof

quitting.Iwantedabreakfromthemaddeningcycle.

Momcameintomyroomacoupleofdayslater.Iassumedshewas,asperusual,hell

bentoncatchingmedrinkingandconfiscatingoneofmypreciousbottles,butinsteadshe

swipedmywallet,includingcreditanddebitcards.Notthattherewasmuchleftinthe

bank.FortunatelyIhadputalittlecashaside,twentyorfortydollars,butitwouldhardly


21/21

lastlong.Therewerestillsomebottlesofbeerandwineinthatbasementcooler,though

theyweredwindlingIhadgottenlaxatreplacingthemoneforone.Momsbottleof

sherry,whichwaslocatedmoreconvenientlyinthekitchen,wastheonlyotherliquorin

thehouseanditwasalreadynearlyhalffullofwater.Therewerentmanyoptionsleftand

Iwasexhaustedthinkingaboutthem.Ihadhadenough.Icouldntdoitanymore.

IdontrememberwhetherMomofferedtogetmeintotreatmentandIagreedor

whetherIinitiatedtheconversation,butIfinallymadethedecisionandaskedhertogetme

help.Shesaidshewouldseewhatshecoulddo.Afterward,Iwentbacktomyroomand

kneltonthefloor,pausingbeforeIreachedforthebottleunderthemattress,feeling

somethinglikeacryfromdeepinside,apleathatsomething,anythingmightbringme

somerelief.Inthatmoment,inspiteofthedrinkIwasabouttotake,Ifeltalittlehope.I

tookabreathandfeltaweight,theweightofself-reliance,ofallthatIhadtriedandfailed

atbefore,lifted.Ididntknowitatthetime,butIhadtakenthefirststep.

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