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Step (original fic by 模糊度 567) - http://tieba.baidu.com/p/1992803667?pn=1

Translated by xingxiu@tumblr | fenshen@lj

All members, main Lu Han

Friendly Disclaimer (from author): This work is purely a piece of fiction and bears absolutely no

relation to the original people nor the company

Translator's Summary: What if you had a way to go back to the past? At a cost, of course. When Lu

Han inadvertently stumbles upon just such a way, he initially vows to never return. But after a

tragedy occurs, Lu Han might just change his mind. The catch? Each step back costs 15 years of his

life. | Canon/Non-AU

Translator's Note: Step is a Chinese fic written by the same author who wrote 48 hours. The

original fic is ~87k in Chinese and consists of 14 chapters, chapter 0, and an epilogue. I'm

translating this a) because of requests and b) I greatly admire her characterisation and world

building, and of course, story telling skills. Please keep in mind that narrative in Chinese is vastly

different from English by its very nature. While I've made every attempt to retain a natural flow in

English, I didn't want to detract from the original author's tone. That said, please enjoy, and I hope

that you'll enjoy reading this as much as I did.

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Chapter 0

The boy sat on the ground, wretched, his clothes in slight disarray, his head resting against the wall

behind him. He laughed, unable to suppress it any longer.

Not far above his head was a small and delicate, yet long and thin telescope, its lens pointed

towards a scene no photographer would ever let go; a towering stone wall, a lovely blue sky dotted

with white clouds.

But the telescope wasn’t directed towards that, instead, it was focused on the tangle of mud and

weeds in the cracks of the stone wall that no one would ever notice, and among those weeds were a

dense array of nails hammered in to the wall.

A boy was standing by the wall, unrelenting in his efforts. The nails, remnants of his attempts, were

scattered as he tried different places, different distances between each nail. The birds which soared

through the sky called out to this frequent visitor they’d come to know, as if in tribute to his efforts.

The sun shone down on his youthful forehead as the wind slipped by his face, exposing the beauty

of both nature and life. A drop of sweat trickled down his forehead. With a nail in hand, he took two

weary steps back as he surveyed the stone wall, riddled with thousands of scars.

The boy sitting on the ground couldn’t stop himself, the back of his head pressed against the wall as

he guffawed with laughter—perhaps there was a tinge of hoarseness in that sound, but who knows?

After who knew how long, although there was probably no one who cared how long it was, he

seemed to tire, and so, the sound of laughter stopped and the room gradually regained its former

silence.

“Idiot.” He shut his eyes. “What’re you doing, still hammering nails?”

He laughed quietly, as a drop of something trickled down his face. The key in his hand followed that

drop’s, as they both fell lightly to the ground.

[17.03.2013]

If, one day in March, you happened to have a day off and it was a lovely day with beautiful weather,

perhaps you’d wonder what sort of wonderful things God had planned for you, such as meeting

some long estranged lover from your past. All stories are painted with different scenes, and this old

lover you’ve imagined, well, you would definitely not meet them at the stock market, and the prince

and princess living happily ever after from the fairy tales would definitely not appear on that old

boat by the sea. Lu Han whistled as he grabbed the mail, glancing at the bright and sunny sky. This

was a great day for outdoor activities, he thought.

3

Holding the bundle of mail, Lu Han looked about as he strolled up to the second floor room, kicking

the door shut on his way in. Looking up, he saw the two heads clustered in front of the computer,

and tossed two of the letters onto one of the beds.

“I brought your mail.” Standing in the middle of the room, he carefully inspected this month’s

cellphone bill.

“Master Lu is becoming more and more considerate by the day.” The one standing in front of the

computer still hadn’t looked back, resting his left hand on the seated person’s shoulder, the corner

of his lips quirked in a smile.

“You might as well move into our room.” Lu Han glanced at the two beside him, and continued to

skim over his bills.

“Your room’s too small.” A rather distinct sound of dismissal floated over from that direction.

“Living room’s big.” The seated person spoke up, chuckling. “Should we move there together?” Lu

Han, silently and helplessly, and somewhat out of habit, shook his head in exasperation.

Standing up, Kris flopped over onto Lu Han’s bed and began to open his mail one by one. Lu Han

kicked him. “You, get off.” Used to it, Kris didn’t react, still focussed on the mail. “Your bed's full of

germs. What’s one more?”

Lu Han looked like he was about to explode as he made to beat Kris up, when Zhang Yixing also fell

over sideways onto Lu Han’s bed, his expression teasing the boundaries of Lu Han’s patience.

Lu Han backed up helplessly and sat down utterly defeated onto Kris’s bed, and in retaliation, kept

his shoes on. The other two stared at him, and after a few moments, he couldn’t help himself as he

took off his shoes. The other two exploded with laughter.

“If you really feel that bad about it, you can wash my sheets later,” Kris said, waving his laundry

card.

At his limit, Lu Han stalked over angrily to the table and sat down to surf the web.

Kris picked up the envelopes. The first seemed to be the standard bank statement, and after a quick

glance at the numbers at the bottom, he tossed it onto the bed. The second was an advertising

pamphlet of sorts. Kris squinted as he read out each word in halting Korean: “Hiker’s Association,

Your Number 1 Choice for a Healthy Lifestyle.” He glanced at Zhang Yixing.

“How’d they know you’re in subhealth*?” Yixing asked, quirking his lips.

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“No idea, maybe ‘cause I’m too handsome.” Kris stood by the window, straightening his collar.

“Huh? Then they wouldn’t send it to you, they’d send it to me.” Lu Han took the pamphlet from him

– on it was printed a breathtakingly beautiful landscape. “They probably figured out you were in

subhealth based on something else.” Lu Han continued to read the blurb without batting an eyelash.

Kris glanced at Yixing. “Looks like he’ll need at least two days before he calms down.”

“Doubt it.” Yixing’s expression said that he wasn’t too optimistic about it. “Two days is if one person

is on his bed for under a minute. Right now there’s two of us, plus, I still haven’t gotten up.”

“Then why don’t you get up already?” Kris couldn’t help but remark with a chuckle.

“Hey, I’m covering for you here, okay?” Yixing laughed as well.

Tao’s long legs kicked open the front door of the second floor. “We finally get a day off with good

weather, and turns out that you guys are just spending your time in here…” While saying so, he

walked into Kris and Lu Han’s room. He glanced at the two lying on the bed, and Lu Han who was

still calmly fixed on the computer, finally uttering three syllables. “Indecent.”

Lu Han nodded first in agreement, then shook his head in disapproval.

“So what if we’re being indecent, why don’t you join us?” Kris’s voice floated over lazily,

accompanied by Yixing’s clear laughter.

“Please be indecent on your own bed.” Lu Han stared at the computer screen.

“Duizhang, I’m bored.” Tao shook his head as if he couldn’t stand the stupidity of the people around

him, tugging at Kris’s sleeve as he spoke.

“What?” Kris brushed off his own sleeve. “My clothes are expensive, okay?”

“Tsch, it’s just your clothes. You let them cut it up on programs, you’re only all ‘expensive, expensive’

when it comes to me.” Tao’s expression was full of disdain. “Go shopping with me.”

Kris turned around, kicking lightly at Yixing and reaching out to tap Lu Han. “Together?”

“Nah, that’ll be too much trouble.” Yixing stood up. “It’ll be alright if it’s just the two of you, but with

the two of us, well, we’re too popular, there’s no way something won’t happen.”

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Kris didn’t have the energy to retort, turning instead to question Lu Han with his eyes. Lu Han

waved at them with the pamphlet still in his hand and blinked. “May your dreams remain

unscarred!”**

Tao shook his head in exasperation. “You’re all hopeless. There’s not a single normal person in our

entire Chinese group!”

“Good luck finding one in the Korean group,” Lu Han said as he slid the cursor rapidly around with

the mouse. “Be prepared though, there aren’t many normal ones there either.”

“Don’t say that, Sehun’s pretty normal.” Yixing laughed as he patted Lu Han, meeting Lu Han’s

narrowed eyes as he slowly turned around.

He pinched Yixing’s cheek and then turned back to the computer. “No one’s as normal as you are.

You’re the most normal.”

“Let’s go.” Kris had finally finished arranging his hair in the mirror, and after picking out a necklace

and putting it on, he grabbed his bag and gave Tao a little shove.

“Really not coming?” Kris turned around to glance at the other two.

Lu Han waved his hand in response, and Yixing glanced lazily at Kris. “I want to play guitar.”

Kris arched an eyebrow. “Play for me when I get back.”

“There’s an idiom† that fits this situation perfectly.” Lu Han was facing the computer screen, but it

was hard to hide the smile on his face.

Kris paused for a second or two before he realised what Lu Han meant, and was just about to reach

over to teach Lu Han a lesson when he was dragged out the door by Tao. “Are you guys done or

not!?”

“Just wait until I get back!” Kris said, laughing as he pointed at Lu Han’s back.

“Just wait this just wait that, why don’t you actually do it someday and then we’ll finally see!” Tao

dragged him out the door, the door finally shutting with a click.

“Someone sent me a new camera the other day.” Lu Han cradled his purple Samsung camera fondly.

On the computer, he’d pulled up the site from the pamphlet, the screen now displaying the Bukhan

Mountains’ scenic highlights and car accessible routes, and next to a picture of a huge stone wall,

there was a close up map with the caption in italics: a photographer’s paradise.

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The look in Lu Han’s eyes as he regarded Yixing spelled nothing but trouble. Yixing’s expression

morphed into one of terror as he slowly retreated into his own room.

Too late, Lu Han followed him in. “Yixing, you’ve been getting more and more handsome lately.” Lu

Han’s face crinkled in laughter.

“Your awareness seems to have improved lately. I think you’ve become even more stunning too.”

Yixing bent his head over his guitar as he tuned the strings. “We should do this properly someday.”

Lu Han followed up with the same smile. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. After all, whatsoever will

I do about the tens of thousands of maidens waiting for me? My heart can’t bear it.”

“It’s alright, Kris has already sacrificed himself for the good of the people, you can take my being

into consideration first,” Yixing said off-handedly.

Lu Han suddenly blew at Yixing’s ear, and Yixing curled up, terrified. “I’m just afraid that you

wouldn’t be able to stand it. Go hiking with me!” Lu Han stared at him, eyes wide.

“Can’t, I’m worried that you’ll throw up all over me since you’re scared of heights.” Yixing shook his

head helplessly.

“It’s not like I’m going up a cliff or anything, I just want to try out my new camera,” Lu Han pleaded.

“Please spare me, sir,” Yixing pleaded, “we finally get a day off…”

“Are we bros or not?” Lu Han shoved at him playfully.

Yixing buried his face helplessly in his guitar. “You’ve got me hook line and sinker again…”

Lu Han grinned happily. "Get your things!" Lu Han kicked Yixing lightly. "Where's Jongdae? Should

we leave the door unlocked for him?"

"He sprained his ankle so he went to get medicine from Joonmyun's. He should've brought his

keys." The phone on the table beeped a few times to signal that it was out of battery before the

screen went dark.

"Charge it for me," Yixing said, strumming his guitar.

Lu Han shook his head. "You're using me, aren't you," he said, grabbing the charger and plugging in

the phone. He looked at Yixing’s pure white Lenovo, which rather resembled his own white iPhone.

“You really are lucky,” he said. “The fans sent you the model you wanted.” It’d been just around New

Year’s, last year. They’d all gone out shopping together, and he remembered the way Yixing’s eyes

had greedily latched onto the phone in the display case, and then a week later, he’d received that

brand new cellphone.

“To be honest, I get nervous when I get presents like this. If the company knew, there would be a

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hell of a scolding.” Yixing shook his head. “Sending it to our place and with no return address – I

can’t return it even if I wanted to.”

Turning on the screen, Lu Han tried to enter 1007, but the system said it was an incorrect password.

“Your unlock code’s not your birthday?” Lu Han turned to ask.

Yixing stood up, taking the cellphone from Lu Han’s hand. “Using birthdays makes it too easy to

crack by, say, brats like you.” He glanced at Lu Han. “I’m using the pre-set code, so nobody knows it.”

Lu Han arched an eyebrow. “Tsch~ So many people use their own birthdays. Chanyeol, Sehun, me…

Besides, who even wants to see your phone, it’s not like you have racy pictures on it.”

“There’s a few of you, I took them when you were sleeping,” Yixing said calmly as he scrolled

through his phone.

“What!?” Lu Han’s eyes opened wide as he tried to grab the phone.

“You sleep so gracefully,” Yixing said as he stepped aside. “When you get really popular later, I’ll sell

them for money.”

Lu Han pointed at Yixing. “Like I’m scared of you! Next time when we’re at a hotel, I’ll be taking

pictures of you every single minute.”

“That’s different,” Yixing said, shaking his head. “You’ll be more popular than me in the future, I’ll

sell these for more.”

Lu Han was speechless. “What’d you say!?”

“Okay, okay,” Yixing said, giving Lu Han a push. “Are you going hiking or not?”

-

“What sort of damn place is this?” Yixing clambered hand and foot up the incline , it showing no sign

of being an actual road. “This isn’t an accessible scenic spot at all…” He looked down at the map and

pamphlet in his hand, and then back at the road they’d come from – not easy to go up, not easy to go

down. “How much farther is it?” He yelled towards Lu Han, far ahead in the distance.

“Almost! I can see it!” Lu Han climbed quickly ahead of him. “If it’s easily accessible it’s not as fun!

Hurry up, you!” He waved a hand behind him.

“I just bought these shoes too.” Yixing looked down mournfully at his brand new shoes, now

covered in mud.

At the top, Lu Han’s mouth gaped open wide. In front of him, a massive stone wall bordered an

endless forest, and it made for a magnificent sight. “Hurry up, slowpoke!” Lu Han reached behind

him as if to pull Yixing up. “It’s so pretty~” He picked up his camera, and started shooting nonstop.

8

It was a feeling of being filled with unfettered joy and spiritual freedom, shedding the clamour and

noise of the human crowd, a scene coloured with only white, blue and green in front of their eyes.

Lu Han laid back on the rock, hands splayed flat beside him. Yixing sat next to him, taking out the

bags of snacks he’d brought one by one and fiddling with them.

“I’ve found that you’d make a great stall-keeper,” Lu Han chuckled at Yixing, meeting the other’s

vicious glare head on.

“Go ahead and laugh,” Yixing said, looking down. “Take pleasure from my pain.”

“Your pain won’t give me much pleasure, but I imagine that if you gave me all the money you made

from peddling your wares, I’d be happy for a bit.” Lu Han leaned back on his arms, regarding the

stall-keeper in front of him.

“Looks like you don’t need much to make you happy,” Yixing sad, opening a package. “That much

money in dollar value could really give you some excitement, huh.”

“Heh~ I’m happy with what I have.” Lu Han stood as he spoke, ruffling Yixing’s hair before walking

towards the stone wall. “I’m learning from you, right! You’ve been wearing that old string of fake

beads for how long now? You still treat it like it’s actually precious.”

Yixing didn’t seem to agree. “So what if it’s fake?” He fidgeted with the Buddhist prayer beads on his

wrist. “I started wearing it when I was injured, and then my injury got better, and then we debuted

and got that award…”

Lu Han walked over to inspect that ordinary string of beads. “If it’s that powerful, lend it to me for a

few days. I have a bet going on the soccer game next week.”

Yixing froze for a few seconds, before he took the rosary off. “Don’t lose it.”

“Oi, you’re not Buddhist are you?” Lu Han chuckled as he put the rosary on.

Yixing glanced at him sideways. “Do I look like I am?”

Lu Han sat up halfway, looking over the other carefully. “A little.”

“Would someone who believes in Buddha spend all day dancing?” Yixing shrugged.

“Once you’re off stage you turn into a statue,” Lu Han said, laughing.

“Moving non-stop on stage, and moving non-stop offstage as well…” Yixing glanced at Lu Han.

“There are few strange people like you.”

“Tsk~” Lu Han patted Yixing, before his eyes drifted over to the ground by the stone wall. “Oi,

dummy, what do you think that red arrow over there is?”

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Around 30 meters away, a red arrow was pointing towards a segment of the wall. When Yixing

stood up and walked over to inspect it, he noticed a hammer and nails lying quietly on the ground.

Lu Han knelt on the ground, sizing up the nail and hammer in his hand, his eyes drifting to where

the arrow was pointing on the wall. “Maybe this is for rock climbing?”

“Rock climbing where it’s 90 degrees and with no foot holds?” Yixing squinted, shielding his eyes

from the piercing sun.

“That’s what the nails are for!” Sitting on the ground, it was as if a light had gone off in Lu Han’s

hand as he looked at the nails in his hand. “But this nail looks kind of small.” As he spoke, he picked

up the hammer, and pushed aside the dirt from a crevice.

“What’re you doing?” Yixing crouched down beside him, staring at him speechlessly. “Don’t tell me

you’re thinking of climbing it.”

“I just want to see how rock climbers who climb outdoors would nail these in.” Lu Han arched a

curious eyebrow.

Yixing looked down at the red arrow under his feet, and then at Lu Han who had started to hammer

in a nail. “Someone like you who’s inquisitive about everything should’ve become a scientist.

Instead, here you are singing and dancing…” But before he’d finished speaking, he felt Lu Han lean

against his shoulder, and when he turned to look, he stared at the person beside him in disbelief.

It seemed like he’d fallen asleep.

His breathing was even and his lips were slightly parted – Yixing stared at Lu Han dumbly. Bursting

with energy one moment and then deep in sleep the next – this sort of thing was difficult to

understand.

-

[1 minute ago]

“Rock climbing where it’s 90 degrees and with no foot holds?” Yixing’s incredulous voice drifted

over from beside him, and Lu Han froze for two seconds before he came to a sudden realisation.

“That’s what the nails are for!” He glanced at the nails in his hand. “But this nail looks kind of small.”

As he spoke, he picked up the small hammer, and found a small crevice to start nailing it in.

“What’re you doing?” Yixing shuffled over. “Don’t tell me you’re thinking of climbing it.”

“I just want to see how rock climbers who climb outdoors would nail these in.” Lu Han bent over his

work, as Yixing’s noisy chatter continued by his ear. “Someone like you who’s inquisitive about

everything should’ve become a scientist. Instead, here you are singing and dancing…”

-

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The song from their album suddenly exploded by his ear and he was surrounded by darkness. In

the distance light boards and a cacophony of sounds were scattered, there was a microphone by his

mouth, and in front of him to his left was Yixing, to his right was Kris, and he seemed to be standing

in the middle of the stage, while the speakers blared his line from their single.

Lu Han stood there dumbly. He looked back, but the music didn’t stop blasting in his ear.

“Lu Han!” Standing to his left, Tao yelled at him. “Dance!” Looking to his other side, Jongdae and

Minseok were staring at him in shock, while Kris seemed to have sensed something and turned his

head a little, his eyes sweeping across Lu Han in disbelief, who was standing with his back to the

audience, frozen, before turning back and continuing with his own dance, his eyes meeting Yixing’s

for a moment, who’d also just turned back in shock.

Lu Han’s line passed quickly, and then K joined them on stage, Kim Jongin at the front of the

formation while Yixing and Sehun quickly scrambled to the back. Lu Han stood frozen in the middle

of the group until Kris dragged him abruptly by his clothes to just behind Sehun. “Wake up!” Kris

yelled at him in Chinese at a volume he could just hear.

The distinct rhythm thudded to life after a short moment of silence, and the stage lights cut through

the dark to illuminate Jongin, Yixing, and Sehun. As the rhythm started, among everyone else’s

stillness, the three of them started to dance.

Lu Han caught his breath as he regarded the scene in front of him. Within the familiar rhythm,

instinct welled up within him – he knew the next eight count was his own, and everything was

wrong, but…

When the beat of his part started, Kris glanced at him nervously, but he joined in on the dance

without missing a beat.

These were movements, formations he knew like the back of his hand, but he didn’t know where he

was, he didn’t know what time this was, he didn’t know what had happened, but once the beat

started, he could follow the dance as if he were on a mission.

First, he had to finish this performance – that was inevitable.

-

The song was finished, the lights went dark, and although everyone breathed harshly in the

darkness, there were no high-fives as usual. Jongin’s forehead was beaded with sweat, his bangs

plastered damply to his forehead, and even as he caught his breath, he stalked over to where Lu

Han was standing. “What were you doing!?” Chanyeol grabbed him from behind, but he shoved him

off. “Do you know how important that stage was!?”

“We’ll talk about it after!” Kim Joonmyun yelled next to Jongin, and then pushed him towards the

stage exit. Everyone’s expressions bore trouble, as Sehun glanced at Lu Han and Baekhyun

wordlessly brushed off the golden confetti stuck in his hair. As the people beside him walked away

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one by one, Lu Han was still rooted to the spot, his face deathly pale. Kris had his hands on his hips

as he stared at the ground, while Yixing looped an arm around Lu Han’s waist and guided him off

stage.

“Thank you for your hard work.” “Thank you for your hard work.” The greetings awaiting them off

stage carried no hint of feeling. The dressing room and break rooms back stage were full of the

sunbaes from the company running in and out, and the sound of the MCs’ teasing drifted down from

on stage – the next performance would begin soon.

The manager was currently on the phone, bowing and kissing the metaphorical ass of thin air. “Yes,

yes, I understand… this has never happened before… yes, I will, I will…” As he spoke, he glanced at

the members who walked in one by one. “I will ask them, for sure… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

Lu Han’s face was pale and his head hurt so very badly as he tried to make sense of what’d just

happened, but the manager had already hung up and was walking towards him.

“What was that!?” The manager walked up to him and shoved at Lu Han’s head, Lu Han stumbling

two steps back. “Did you come just to screw up the performance!?” The manager yelled at him, and

all the other artists in the break room slowly looked in their direction. Lu Han’s head was bent in

silence, and through his headache, he felt like this was a break room he knew.

“This is a live broadcast! Do you understand? Live! Music awards aren’t just for our company’s

artists! Winning praise is the work of 10 years, destroying it only takes one day! If we get the

newcomer’s award, do you want everyone to laugh about how we can’t even live up to it?” The

manager continued to yell at Lu Han, but Lu Han slowly raised his head, his face pale.

“Music award?” He turned to look at everyone around him. “Newcomer’s award? But didn’t we

already get it…?”

The room quieted immediately.

The manager stared at him blankly, and then brought his hand across the side of his face.

He heard the quiet buzz in his left ear, as Lu Han’s head turned to the side and he stared at the

ground.

This was indeed a familiar break room, and just now it was indeed a familiar stage, and it was as if

he’d already experienced everything already, yet it wasn’t entirely the same.

Kris pulled Lu Han behind him. “If we do win the award, I’ll explain and apologise during the

acceptance speech.”

“Explain!? How are you going to explain?” The manager stared at Kris in disbelief.

Kris hesitated before he spoke. “I’ll say that he’s been undergoing a high degree of stress, and had

momentary hallucinations.”

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“Are you trying to say that the company abuses its artists?” their manager asked.

“That’s…” Kris said. “I’ll say his earpiece fell off.”

“Earpieces fall off all the time, but has anyone gone out of their mind like he did just now?”

Kris stared at their manager. “Then I won’t explain, I’ll just apologise.”

The manager looked first at Kris and then at Lu Han, and then at the staff who was waving him over,

and the make-up artists. “You guys go get touched up first, and then sit where you’re assigned. If, in

a moment, you do indeed get the award, then you two leaders decide how to best take care of it. Be

genuine, and you must be able to silence everyone.” Joonmyun and Kris both nodded and bowed, as

he moved on to Lu Han. “As for you, we’ll deal with you later.”

Seeing that the discussion was over, the make-up artist hurried over to touch up all 12 of them, and

unlike before, when it was full of lively chatter, this time, everyone was unusually silent. Out of the

corner of his eye, Jongin glanced at Baekhyun who was getting his eyeliner redrawn. Lu Han was

looking up, a thick layer of foundation covering the fresh finger shaped imprints on his face.

Coming back to the dark venue, even though they quietly entered the awards ceremony, there was

no way they could avoid the eyes of the fans, setting off a fresh wave of screams. From his end,

Joonmyun passed down a message one by one to the other end – if they did win the award, when

they got on stage, the first thing they would do would be to all bow for ten seconds in apology.

“I read an article in the paper once that if you’re too tired, you forget things,” Tao said quietly to

Kris as he looked at Lu Han sitting between Chanyeol and Baekhyun far away. “Something like short

term memory loss I think.”

Kris followed his gaze. The fans suddenly exploded in a flurry of movement – it turned out that

Yixing had asked Baekhyun to change seats with him, so he could sit next to Lu Han.

“Lu~Han~Oppa~It’s~Fine~We~Love~you~!!!” The fans seemed to have come up with a fan chant

in the short period of time, and in the silence, Lu Han turned hesitantly, before he stood and bowed

towards the fans.

“Ahhhhh!” From behind, came a wave of tragic cries and howls of tears.

“That’s possible,” Kris said. “He’s been taking sleeping pills for the past few days, it’s possible that

he’s not as alert.”

“Huh?” Tao glanced at Kris in disbelief. “He has insomnia? You can’t tell.”

Kris glanced at Tao. “You fall asleep the fastest, of course you wouldn’t be able to tell.”

Tao froze for a second or two, and then turned to look at Kris. “You’re not saying that when we’re in

the same room at the hotels you’re an insomniac too, are you?”

13

“Pay attention and watch the performances,” Kris said, and then pasted on a smile as he started

applauding for the performance on stage he hadn’t been watching at all.

Even though they’d been mentally prepared, when it was announced that they won the rookie

award, Yixing was still so excited that he almost cried. The entire group surged up from their seats

and hugged each other, as Joonmyun, his eyes red, looked at the equally emotional Kris and said

“You’ve worked hard.” The two of them hugged each other, patting each other on the back. It was all

captured by the emotional fans, and became one of the most moving pictures of EXO receiving the

newcomer’s award that would circulate on the web.

The picture that was even more widely circulated was when they were standing on stage, after Lu

Han had bowed and apologised – the picture of all twelve of them bowing for ten seconds. The

caption by the picture was even more poignant: “One person’s mistake, twelve people’s bows.”

-

After they returned to the car, Lu Han’s head felt like it was about to split in two. He grabbed

Yixing’s hand and asked, “what day is it?”

Yixing looked at him. “The 29th.”

“December 29th, 2012?” Lu Han said quietly, brows furrowed.

Yixing nodded silently.

Staring out the car window at the snow and the fast retreating night scenery, Lu Han said, “have you

gone hiking with me recently? And did I hammer in nails into a stone wall?”

Yixing looked at him, and then pulled him against his shoulder. “Just close your eyes and sleep.

You’re too tired.”

Leaning against Yixing’s shoulder, Lu Han shut his eyes, as he tried to find a reasonable explanation

for himself.

He was too tired, so on stage, he’d become confused, and imagined that three months have passed;

He’d been sleepwalking, all the way up until he was on stage;

He’d mixed up dreams and reality, and this was a result of taking the sleeping pills;

He’d come up with a psychological problem, and had to go see the doctor.

“Yixing, what’s our schedule for tomorrow?” he asked.

“We have a photo-shoot for a magazine tomorrow afternoon, and then a program at night,” Yixing

said.

“Then, tomorrow morning, come to the hospital with me,” Lu Han said wearily.

Yixing turned to look at Lu Han. It seemed like he’d fallen asleep.

14

-

[1 minute ago]

“Just close your eyes and sleep. You’re too tired.” Yixing’s voice sounded by his ear.

Lu Han leaned against his shoulder and shut his eyes, as he tried to find a reasonable explanation

for himself.

He was too tired, so on stage, he’d become confused, and imagined that three months have passed;

He’d been sleepwalking, all the way up until he was on stage;

He’d mixed up dreams and reality, and this was a result of taking the sleeping pills;

He’d come up with a psychological problem, and had to go see the doctor.

“Yixing, what’s our schedule for tomorrow?” he asked.

“We have a photoshoot for a magazine tomorrow afternoon, and then a program at night,” Yixing

said.

“Then, tomorrow morning, come to the hospital with me,” Lu Han said wearily.

“Huh? Is that okay?” He furrowed his brows as he slowly opened his eyes, just as an inundation of

light had him covering his eyes involuntarily. His body seemed to have lost all sense of balance,

arms and legs in mid-air, and then he fell bit by bit until he landed on a smooth white surface.

By the time he’d opened his eyes entirely, there was no Yixing beside him: in front of his eyes, it

wasn’t the inside of their car, and on the ground there was a red arrow, the tip of the arrow leading

to a door.

Lu Han pitched to his feet as he looked all around him. This white surface seemed to be a wide

hallway, and behind him was an expanse of light. He staggered forward, following the arrow, until

he reached the door. To the left of the arrow, not too far away was another small door, but the

arrow wasn’t pointing towards it.

Lu Han’s mind was completely blank as he stood in front of the door for a hesitant moment, before

he knocked on the door in front of him.

There was the sound of a key turning in the lock, and after two seconds, the door opened. A man

opened the door, the smile on his face stretching from ear to ear as he waved him in.

“You’ve finally arrived,” he said.

15

Chapter 1

It was a small room, about 20 meters squared in area. Directly opposite of him was an open door,

seemingly overlooking a precipice of blinding light. On the left, there was a telescope embedded in

the wall while underneath that was a screen, and next to it was a small black board covered with

messy scribbles.

“Lu Han, I thank you for your curiosity.” The person smiled amicably towards him, while sweeping

away the drawings on the blackboard, leaving it completely clean.

“Where is this?” Lu Han asked, shaking faintly. “Am I dead?”

“You’re not dead,” the person said gently. “If you want to ask where this is, I’m afraid it’s very

difficult to explain. You can simply think of this as a place that exists independently of the usual real

world you’re used to, as this is a world that exists only in your imagination. Perhaps you could

simply think of it as a dream.” That person’s smile was altogether kind and good-natured.

“You must believe that you’ve teleported, time travelled. Suddenly returning to the past, and then

suddenly appearing in this strange place. I imagine that you don’t think very highly of me right now.”

He clapped his hands together as he regarded Lu Han. “I’m not upset and understand your feelings

completely. On the contrary, I hope that my explanation can be of use to you.”

Lu Han looked at him, and then looked at the door on the other side, the light shining through it

blinding, and remained silent.

“I have no name. You may call me any name you so choose. Of course, if you can’t think of one, you

could also call me Clown.” He didn’t particularly resemble a clown*, Lu Han thought, as the man said

this.

“As for time, you likely perceive it in the same way as the majority of people do. You probably

believe that time progresses smoothly, steadily, stretching forward interminably and forever. Even

though people have written countless stories and made countless movies where people time travel

to the future or back in time, those are simply mankind’s flighty, wishful fancies.” He glanced at Lu

Han, and then took out a marker.

“In reality, time is simply a construct, a tool of measurement created by mankind, for example, not

unlike the USD or a unit of weight. In order to assign a constant, steady value to this concept,

humans created these stable time-keeping systems using the most precise atomic clocks available.

Pay attention to my words, because the time you use in your everyday life, UTC, is one of these

time-keeping systems, with people setting UTC+0 at a certain place, known commonly as

Greenwich time, and due to the Earth’s rotation, there exist the created time zones. The time you

see every day on the computer is simply UTC plus the time for your time zone. Of course, I’ve been

neglecting the time that is required within the hardware and the transport.”

Lu Han rubbed at his temples, and continued to listen.

16

“Actually, the time-keeping system in use is not entirely perfect. Even the best atomic clocks in the

world possess some small difference among them. If we were to plot our time-keeping system on

the x-axis and the best atomic clock on the y-axis, we would find that other than a slight offset, the

resulting graph would be, for the most part, a smooth straight line. If we suppose that both these

units of time consist of some small difference, then this difference will only increase with time, but

as they increase at the same rate, the slope of this line will not, in fact, change.” He raised an

eyebrow, watching Lu Han who was squinting. “I say it’s a smooth line for the most part, because

other than the linear portion, the difference between these two times consists of some random

noise. I won’t explain this part to you, since it seems like your head is already starting to hurt.” He

smiled, trying to keep Lu Han’s patience.

“Actually, that this line deviates from having a slope of 1 does not necessarily mean that this atomic

clock isn’t good enough, but perhaps it indicates that our time-keeping system isn’t quite good

enough, as our system itself depends on a series of atomic clocks. So, within the confines of time,

there are no absolutes, and everything is relative. The time which passes in your every day is not a

set rule – you only believe it to be so.” He wiped away the label on the y-axis.

Looking at Lu Han’s gloomy expression, Clown smiled. “Please forgive my prattle. You know that at

times, a person has no choice – there are people who dropped out of school in high school, yet are

now here giving a physics lesson, and there are people aren’t good at explanation, yet here they are,

chattering on. God is fair.” He blinked.

“Really? Then what are you good at?” Lu Han smiled as well.

The other cradled his forehead. “Perhaps, I’m somewhat like you.” So saying, a smile slipped out as

he took out a marker. “Listen carefully now, there may be some day when you’ll try to remember

every word I’ve told you.”

“Now, let’s assume that the y-axis is a measure of your perception.” He wrote down the label. “Each

person’s perception is different. To you, one hour passes quickly while Zhang Yixing feels that it

passed slowly – this is because the slope of your two lines are different. If I were to raise my hand,

in your perspective, each of you would see it at a different speed, but because your individual

perception is constant, you’d never know that you perceived it differently.” As he spoke, he drew a

straight line in blue.

“You know Yixing?” Lu Han said, but Clown ignored him, continuing his explanation.

“And so, if we consider the time just now when you were hammering in the nail on the mountain,

your perception underwent a step.” While speaking, he drew a green dot on top of the blue line, and

then changed the segment after it to a dotted red line, while maintaining the same slope and length

of the solid line, he drew it in red, a little under the first line. “Right now, you experienced the

events of a few months ago. We’ll label this corresponding period of time from a few months ago

that were affected by the step as T1.” He glanced at Lu Han, marking down next to the red, and then

jotting down the English letter X next to the dotted red line.

17

“For the time being, I’ll call you the guide, X, because at the same time, your step has created the

step of another person, let’s call them the follower, Y. Right now, they’re waiting for you to give

them a very important Number after your step, let’s call this a day-number. By adding the starting

point of the time you returned to and this day-number, this will be the time they return to, T2’s,

starting point.” In yellow, he drew the dotted line to indicate Y’s step. “Your step created their step,

and your step has also determined their step. The past that the two of you change, will change the

present, and in a manner of speaking, the two of you must be partners who have a tacit

understanding of each other to the highest degree.”

Lu Han looked at the multi-coloured lines on the blackboard, trying to put it all together in his head.

Clown smiled at Lu Han, indicating that he should stay patient.

“I know that you must have many questions, such as how to obtain this important Number, or who

your partner shall be. Oh, and of course, most importantly,” he held out a finger, “why you have

been caught up in this mess.”

“Let us first address the simplest question.” Clown looked at Lu Han. “As to your partner, they are

the one who hammered a nail into the stone wall at the same time as you. This time, that person did

not exist, and you had yet to receive any explanation, so you are the only one who experienced a

step. But, please keep in mind, if you wish to trigger a step again, you must find a partner who will

nail one in at the same time as you. When the guide among the two of you undergoes the step and

after the Number has been obtained, only then can the follower take their step. If the Number is 0,

not only will they not take a step, you will also return to the starting point, in other words, the point

in time when you nailed in a nail. But the price that must be paid will still be paid, so, do try to avoid

having the Number be 0.”

18

“How do you get that Number? And what’s the price?” Lu Han asked.

“Be patient. All that you need to know, you will know,” Clown said. “As to the Number, it’s linked to

doors, rectangular doors. It’s the number of rectangular doors that you tap on, within half an hour

of initiating the step. Tapping on the same door more than once doesn’t count; car doors, closet

doors, doors that are shorter than you don’t count, and the upper limit is 60 – in other words, the

difference in time that the two of you return to cannot exceed 60 days.”

Lu Han narrowed his eyes, trying to take in all of this strange information.

“What you and your partner can determine is 1) the reason for the step, and 2) the time difference

between your steps. What the two of you cannot determine is 1) the time the guide returns to, 2)

the length of the step, and 3) who is the guide and who is the follower.” Clown put away the

markers. “Your partner won’t know where your step has taken you or what you did and you will

have no way of knowing what they did, up until both of you have completed the step and have

returned to that mountain. Only then will you know what the other has done, and only when you

have returned to reality will you know what impact your actions have caused.” Clown smiled at him.

“So, not only must the two of you plan carefully, you must also understand what the people around

you are like.”

Speechless, Lu Han stared blankly at the mess of lines on the black board. “So why exactly did I have

to take this damn step!?”

“The reason for this step is your curiosity – it wasn’t one that had to happen,” Clown said. “But from

now on, any steps you take will be entirely of your own will. Of course, it bears a price, and for each

step you take, you and your partner must give up 15 years of your life.”

“15 years!” Lu Han’s mouth hung open, disbelief painted on his face.

“Of course, there’s nothing in this world that is free, including the cure for regret.” Clown blinked.

“But don’t fret. For the step you took before this explanation, you’ve simply been unconscious, and

there’s no need for you to pay the fee. You can stroll out through this door and return to that

mountain, and awaken from this compressed period of sleep. What I mean is that for all this

running around you’ve been doing today, all that’s happened is that you’ve taken a short nap

against Zhang Yixing’s shoulder for a few minutes. As to the changes you caused during this step,

I’m very sorry, but there’s no way that can be erased. Everyone will remember that embarrassing

moment where you blanked out on stage, other than the you in the real world. He’ll lose that

segment of his memory and be unable to remember what happened in that time… In reality, right

now, he’s sleeping in your place on top of the mountain.”

“Then… the me that was changed by history, how can he just happen to be there at the time when

I’m nailing the nail on top of that mountain, and match up with the me who’s just finishing my step?”

Lu Han asked.

Clown smiled. “This isn’t for you or me to worry about. Logic and causality are the rules of the game

19

in this world, and as for this little side-game created for you and me, obviously, He would allow

them to fall within the rules.” He pointed up.

“If…I were to nail in another nail after I return…” Lu Han furrowed his brow.

“If you were to nail in another nail, then the people around you would have no recollection of what

happened this time, and their memory would regain their normal state, in other words, the state it

would be in if the step hadn’t occurred. But, let me give you a piece of advice from experience.

Sometimes, the things around you will also go with you, and you already know that not everything

can be completely under your control,” Clown said. “You’re already thinking about nailing in a nail.

Do you really care so much about such a little thing?”

“What I care about is how I’m going to get back.” Lu Han stared at the door in front of him, flooded

with light, and then at the large door behind him that had already shut.

“This, you don’t need to worry about. It’s easily taken care of,” Clown said. “In a moment, simply

walk through this open door, and it’ll be fine.”

“Before I came here,” Lu Han said, “On my left, there was another small door, only the arrow wasn’t

pointing towards it.”

“You are indeed a very observant person,” Clown said. “That door has no lock. If you were to have

left through that door at the time, you would have returned directly to that mountain, wouldn’t

have received an explanation, and the nail would have reverted back to being an ordinary nail

forever. No matter how many nails you hammered in the future, nothing would have happened,” he

said.

Clown looked at Lu Han’s blank expression. “My friend, please remember that no matter what, once

you’ve chosen your partner, your partner cannot change. It will be your responsibility to explain to

him all the rules, and when the two of you take a step, you must know what you wish to change –

you can’t miss a thing. Other than you and him, the two of you must not tell anyone else a thing. It is

forbidden.”

“What’ll happen if we do?” Lu Han said.

“There is no one who can live within a paradox – this would affect the very state of their existence,”

Clown said gently.

Lu Han quirked an eyebrow. Existence.

“And so, now that you know all you need to know, I thank you for your patience. You have lost

nothing, and you can simply take this all to be a dream. As to the mishap on the stage, I express my

sincerest apologies,” Clown said, smiling gently.

“This doesn’t really sit well with me,” Lu Han said.

Clown chuckled. “No, you’ve done well keeping your cool for your first time. Much better than me.”

20

Lu Han turned to look at him, grasping onto the shred of information that seeped through his words

before it vanished like smoke.

“You can leave now.” Clown turned around to wipe away the lines on the black board. “Don’t forget

the way back.”

Lu Han walked to the door before he paused. He turned around. “Thank you for your explanation,”

he said, “but, I think, I won’t be coming back.” He smiled and stepped through the door, and was

swallowed by the light.

Without watching him leave, Clown put away his marker.

His head was bent as he spoke. “You will.”

*in the Chinese, he says, “you can call me Clown, a clown”, where Clown is in English. Lu Han then

thinks that he doesn’t look very ugly at all. The word used for ugly here is 丑, while clown is written

小丑 in Chinese.

21

Chapter 2

Opening his eyes, he raised his pounding head from Yixing’s shoulder. Lu Han glanced around him

at the beautiful mountain scenery that hadn’t changed, and met Yixing’s impassive eyes.

“You’re awake, oh great one?” Yixing said.

Lu Han looked at Yixing as if he was scrutinizing every line on his face.

“I…what just happened to me?” he asked.

“Next time, if you’re going to fall asleep, you could give some sort of warning. Say, yawning, or

something like that,” Yixing said, chuckling at him.

“How long was I asleep for?” Lu Han took out his phone to check the date.

“A few minutes.” Yixing massaged his shoulder and stood, walking towards where the snacks lay,

before turning to glance at Lu Han. “Tell me the truth, is this because we were on your bed? Were

you so mad that you had to come here to make up for it and nap?”

Lu Han stared at Yixing, words freezing on the tip of his tongue.

“You’ve gone quiet, kind of gloomy.” Yixing watched him. “If there’s something, then just say it

straight out.”

Lu Han looked at Yixing as he spoke. “December last year…at the awards ceremony…Did I, I mean,

was it…”

Yixing’s eyes dropped, and even his arms dropped with them. “Why are you still caught up in that?”

Lu Han froze, rooted to the spot. To Lu Han, those few simple words from Yixing’s mouth seemed to

be a blow against his head.

“It’s already been so long, no one even cares anymore… We got the award, we apologised, and the

fans all felt sorry for you…” Yixing said, long-windedly. “Speaking of which, you were really strange

that day. First you spaced out on stage, and then afterwards you didn’t remember anything about

what’d happened on stage, and Taozi insisted that you probably had some memory deficiency or

something and tried to drag you out to get it checked, but then thankfully you went back to

normal… You shouldn’t take sleeping pills so often from now on, you know?”

But Lu Han wasn’t listening to what Yixing was saying at all. Instead, he slowly turned towards the

stone wall and walked over. The small nail was nestled inconspicuously in the crack, among the dirt

and the weeds, while the hammer was on the ground, and by his foot, was the red arrow.

He picked up the hammer and threw it into the forest with all his strength, before grabbing Yixing

and pulling him with him towards the way back.

22

“Eh? You want to go back?” Yixing quickly scooped up his bag.

Clinging to Yixing’s hand, Lu Han hurried away from the stone wall and the thicket as if he were

escaping a nightmare. With his other hand, he rubbed at his eyes, as if Clown’s good natured smile

was right in front of him. “Don’t forget the way back.”

“As if I’m ever fucking coming back!” he suddenly yelled, turning to the mountains.

Yixing watched him, silent.

“Yixing, if I ever want to come back to this place again, no matter what, you have to stop me.” Lu

Han looked Yixing in the eye. “Promise me.”

Yixing stared at him blankly. “Why?”

“Promise me.” Lu Han repeated, still staring at him.

“Okay,” Yixing said, looking at Lu Han’s serious expression. “As long as you let me know.”

The light in Lu Han’s eyes seemed to suddenly falter and his legs grew weak, as they buckled and he

sat heavily on the ground.

There are many things that cannot be investigated. This thing called curiosity has both driven

mankind’s growth and hastened mankind’s destruction. In the face of something that could not be

investigated, Lu Han silently vowed to extinguish his own curiosity.

Because he definitely couldn’t allow his curiosity to extinguish him.

-

The following week was as calm as still water. The first thing Lu Han did when he got up every

morning was to check the date, and then, starting from Kris who shared his room, he’d check

everyone’s recollections of the night before and compare it to his own. When time after time, there

were no incongruences, he slowly began to believe that life had returned to normal.

Before, he used to bear some resentment towards the blandness of daily life, unconsciously willing

some sort of disturbance to mix things up a little, but now, he hated all disturbances.

The good thing was that the days were so busy, their time crammed so tight that it was a like a

cracker and there was no water content in his days for him to think back on that curious dream.

Rehearsal, performances, fansigns, hurrying between radio stations and TV stations, and under the

flashing lights of the photography studio, assuming expressions of passionate love or freshness or

seduction. Hand hooked around Sehun or arm looped over Yixing’s shoulders, none of this was a

problem, and in variety, whether it was going along with Duizhang’s strange requests or sacrificing

his lips for mouth to mouth, none of this was difficult at all.

23

In his heart, he’d been preparing for this day since he was 17. Now he was here, even though he

wasn’t entirely elated, he wasn’t complaining.

He deserves it.

Just like how if one goes to med school, one would know that it’s likely they’d end up working in a

hospital and spend their entire lives interacting with patients who were ill, Lu Han had built up

much preparation in his heart towards many things.

That’s right. While his high school classmates were putting everything on the line as they scrambled

to prepare for their university exams, he’d been putting everything for the entrance exam to the

university that was SM. Even though it was a university that had an odd name and with a low

employment rate post graduation, the good thing was, the field of study was one he liked a lot. After

graduation, he miraculously wasn’t unemployed, and Lu Han thanked his lucky stars that he was in

that fortunate 20%. During those first few weeks in a new job, just like every other newcomer

who’d just stepped into society, there were some things that he didn’t understand and things he

didn’t know how to deal with, but after he’d been doing it for a while, he found that some things

were different in reality from what he’d thought. But none of this mattered, because in order to

qualify for anything you might like to do, there were sacrifices and prices that had to be paid, and

there were some things you had to do that you didn’t like, regardless of what career path one had

chosen.

As for the things that he didn’t like, maybe they included losing some of his privacy, receiving

unwarranted criticism, accepting invitations to social functions that couldn’t be refused – he could

come up with others as well. When asking the sunbae groups… Cross-dressing? Kissing on stage

during concerts? Or having water bottles thrown at you because of fan fights? He remembered their

debut showcase, the soft and warm demeanor of the leader of their sunbae group, the way he

treated fans with polite and careful consideration, how when he spoke, he considered every angle…

This was a smooth circle that had been polished through who knew how many incidents, while

right now, he himself was still a triangle.

And as for the things he liked, there were a lot of those too. Such as the stage he longed for day and

night, the contentment as he was absorbed in the deluge of performance, the love of so many

strangers, and in a way, the authority their words had, to some extent.

90% of the time, being famous was a good thing. It could allow you to stand in the spotlight and be

the center of discussion as you expressed yourself, but of course, this was under the assumption

that there wasn’t some gun hidden in a dark corner.

The days passed one by one, busily but calmly. Lu Han had already signed his cute cartoon

autograph a couple thousand times, with a smile that had almost peeled off his face. His arm felt

swollen and sore, and as he stared at his own autograph that he could barely recognise, he was

reminded again and again that he was in the service sector. Both far off and up close were rows of

screams and cheers. This was a comedy that couldn’t be changed, and since the tickets that had

been sold were those to a comedy, just like a clown on stage who was dedicated to his work, by the

principles of it, the expressions underneath the clown’s mask were best left to himself.

24

The customer is king, the customer is an angel; he’d thought that he existed for the stage, but it was

only later that he realised, the stage existed for the audience. Without the audience, it couldn’t be

considered a stage.

So, he’d say to fans over and over, believing it from the bottom of his heart, you are angels, and I

exist because of your cheers.

Continue to cheer for us, or else, I’ll no longer exist.

-

March 22, 2013. It wasn’t the first time they’d received such a call to a dinner party, nor was it the

first time that it was the four of them going. Outside, a light drizzle of rain dampened the ground.

The lack of rest had turned Lu Han’s cold into a light fever, and he was now wearing a simple coat

over his dress shirt. He and Baekhyun got into the car that had come to pick them up, while behind

them followed Chanyeol and Kris, who had just woken up. Kris’s phone beeped in his pocket,

reminding him that it was almost out of battery. He picked up his phone and glanced at it, and then

he glanced at the two who were already in the car before slipping it back into his pocket and getting

in.

Gradually, Lu Han had gotten used to these sort of dinner functions. Whether they were TV stations,

magazines, PDs, drama producers, or other groups that worked together with their company, it

seemed like every single group was interested in getting to “know them”, and behind every contract

was a friendly dinner function. In regards to the profit-greedy entertainment companies or the

entire structure of the industry, Lu Han had long known that they, the splendid idols themselves,

were in reality at the very bottom of this golden pyramid, while the bosses who waved the money

making golden whips would always need them at the other end, to be on the front lines of the

battleground: singing and dancing was one aspect, using their handsome countenances and

unwavering charms to reel in the fans in different countries, different markets and of all different

ages was another aspect, while, like right now, using their warm and cheerful demeanors to raise

the mood at the dinner table was yet another aspect.

They were all unavoidable aspects of work, and it was all highly skilled work.

A dinner party was just a dinner party, nothing actually scary. Just like a car salesman or a

pharmaceutical salesman sometimes had to undergo social niceties for the sake of work, the main

product they were pushing was their faces, so having to attend the occasional banquet was

completely understandable. Just like the rookie in any profession whose position wasn’t yet stable,

they had to climb up slowly from the bottom, and neither could their tempers be picky. Lu Han

figured that this was a good experience in terms of building character, before they became wildly

popular.

There weren’t many people at the dinner function that day, the party consisting of both men and

women, though it was clear that those in attendance were highly regarded by the company. A

number of higher ups that they rarely saw were also present. For small things, often the other party

25

would personally request a certain person, and just one or two of them would stick it out, but this

time, since all four of them were in attendance, it meant that other than them being there as

accompaniment, they were also there to be marketed.

After several rounds of bowing and greeting, Lu Han slowly latched onto the main topic of

conversation at the table. Lately, there’d been rumours of plans for a Japanese unit. In other words,

this was a discussion regarding the company’s plans for EXO for this year, and more specifically,

EXOJ.

The company had a strict hierarchy. Other than the board members who had shares in the company,

the upper management consisted of seven people, and were referred to as the executive managers.

Each executive manager was in charge of a different segment as well as differing numbers of lower

level managers. Each lower level manager was responsible for something different – some were

responsible for arranging the schedules and performances of solo artists, while some were in

charge of groups such as theirs. That day, other than the highest-level executive manager in charge

of them, there were two board members in attendance, and for EXO who’d debuted for a year, this

was enough of a show of respect.

As for his fever, even though Lu Han understood the importance of this function and was doing his

best to keep up a smiling appearance, there was still no way that he could hide the fact that he

wasn’t feeling well. Chanyeol took the initiative in assuming the responsibility of proposing toasts,

and in the tangled exchange of languages, explained to Kris quietly each person’s role.

“The one on the left who’s always smiling is the head of NHK’s entertainment programs’ production

segment.” Kris’s eyes followed Chanyeol’s to sweep towards the one whose smile was the brightest

and the fakest. “The two on the right are their company’s board members. The young one is a

translator, the woman at the end is a senior manager and used to be the manager of SMAP.” Kris’s

gaze took in each of them one by one, as he remained silent.

“The idea of an EXOJ unit has been under consideration since even before they debuted, actually,”

the executive manager sitting beside Lu Han said affably. “But one, they weren’t mature enough

when they debuted and two, securing the Chinese and Korean markets required some time, so this

matter has been dragged to such an extent.” As he smiled, he bent over to pour the others a glass of

wine.

“Of course, testing the waters of your country’s entertainment market is no small matter, and it isn’t

as if the company has not attempted such before. To do so without ample preparation would mean

that it would be difficult to obtain good results. We also know that in order to plan this matter, it

would require a certain length of time, so the preparations were actually begun last year. Bringing

this up in the schedule now is a necessity, of course… They’re still very young, and in the future, the

guidance and support of you ladies and gentlemen will be absolutely indispensable…” The manager

continued to reiterate his ideas over and over, and the translator continued to translate. Lu Han’s

head felt like it was about to split open, and he couldn’t fight off the urge to doze off in lethargy.

“Of these four artists, two are currently in K and two are in M. Since they debuted a year ago,

they’ve received fairly favourable praise and have a high degree of popularity, and their degree of

26

compatibility is also high,” the manager said tactfully. “Even though the list of members have yet to

be finalised, if a J team were to be formed, it’s possible that the members will be selected from

among them, and the leader will also be chosen from among them.”

“It seems like the two lead dancers aren’t present?” one of the Japanese board members asked with

a smile.

“Mm.” One of the company’s board members responded with a smile. “The two main dancers are

both indispensable at the moment from their respective teams, and furthermore, their Japanese

isn’t very good. On top of which they’re somewhat shy and inarticulate, and possibly aren’t very

suited to activities in a country in which they can’t speak their mother tongues.” He smiled and

gestured towards Lu Han. “If we were to form a J team, we would be inclined to allow him to

become the leader of the J team.”

From the haze of his headache, Lu Han raised his head, and before he’d even understood what was

going on, he was pulled to his feet by the board member. “Lu Han is currently promoting as part of

the M team in the Chinese market. His singing and dancing are both above average, he’s good at

languages, is popular, and is good looking.” The board member was smiling, and as he was

introducing the goods, he stroked Lu Han’s cheek with the back of his hand. “Good compatibility,

listens well, his ability to adapt is also very good. According to our observations and understanding,

he definitely wouldn’t fail expectations.” So speaking, he turned to look at Lu Han’s pale face.

“Lu Han? I’ve heard of you.” The head of the NHK entertainment production section looked at him.

“Are you interested in Japan?”

Lu Han blinked sluggishly, his expression blank and eyelids heavy. The manager beside him clapped

him on the back. “He’s talking to you!”

Looking up blankly, Lu Han managed a few words. “Ah, Japan, interested.”

The other person looked at his distracted expression, looked down and chuckled. “Oh, is that so?

What parts?” He looked at Lu Han.

“I’ve…” Lu Han felt like there was a rock shoved down his throat, and there was a constant buzzing

in his head. “Eaten Japanese food.”

Beside them, the translator-noona and Baekhyun both laughed, and Kris couldn’t hide the smile as

he ducked his head and filled in the words that Lu Han couldn’t say, complete with animation.

But their smiles were quickly wiped off their faces, because the expression on the Japanese board

member’s face wasn’t a pleasant one at all.

“He can speak some Japanese,” the manager hastily filled in. “Usually, he often watches Japanese

movies and variety shows.” As he spoke, he grabbed Lu Han by the arm and gave him a look.

Lu Han, however, didn’t follow up on the manager’s words, and only continued to stare blankly,

rooted unmoving to the spot.

27

The manager hastily poured wine for everyone, including for Lu Han. Hanging onto the table for

support, Lu Han felt so nauseous, the room spinning around him. Chanyeol, noticing the board

member’s look, pushed the glass closer to Lu Han’s hand, but Lu Han only continued to hang onto

the table, and made no move to pick up the glass.

The other man held the glass in hand, silently waiting for Lu Han, but Lu Han continued to stare at

the table, face pale and with his brows furrowed.

An awkward air circled the table. Kris glanced at Lu Han for some two seconds before looking down.

He vaguely remembered Lu Han recently using the occasional anti Japan products to express his

faint anti-Japanese sentiments.

The Japanese board member put down his glass. “Looks like,” he said smiling, “that in your country,

the meaning of listening well and high compatibility, compared to what we in Japan consider to be

listening well and high compatibility, well, there seems to exist some difference.” As he spoke, he

smiled towards Lu Han. “It seems like you must treat your artists very well, if they can exhibit their

own tempers like this.”

Lu Han remained silent, while the manager plastered on an awkward smile as he apologised

profusely to the other company’s board member. “No, no, you misunderstand. We’re also very strict

with our artists.”

“Is that so?” The board member’s expression was tinged with some consideration. “I’m simply

worried that if they come like this to Japan, they won’t be used to it.”

The board member of their company ducked his head as he smiled awkwardly. When he turned his

head, his expression was unpleasant as he glared at the manager.

The manager furrowed his brows as he blinked. He paused for a few seconds before picking up the

glass of red wine in front of Lu Han and splashing it onto Lu Han’s face, and in that moment,

everyone quieted down.

Lu Han was still frozen to the spot as the wine trickled down his face, slowly dripping off the ends of

his hair. The aroma of the ice cold wine was indeed good, and at the very least, cooled the burning

in forehead by a few degrees.

The Japanese board member regarded him with a quiet smile, and didn’t appear to be surprised at

all at what had just happened. Lu Han hesitated for a few seconds, his head lowered, before he

slowly bowed and apologised. “I’m sorry. I’ll go tidy up.” As he spoke, he got up and walked to the

door of the washroom.

In the washroom, Lu Han stuck his face under the tap and turned on the cold water. There was no

time to complain, he only wanted to wake himself up a little. Leaning against the mirror, he looked

at the him in the mirror. His skin was pale, his features lovely and delicate, and on that table, he was

as insignificant as an ant.

28

He practiced his smile in the mirror – games aren’t played like this.

But the rules of the games weren’t set by them, nor how they were played.

Walking back to the private room, Lu Han hesitated by the door for a few moments as he mulled

over his thoughts. When he pushed open the door, the sweetest smile he could muster was on his

face.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he said, walking back to his seat. “Let me first apologise with three glasses.”

After saying this in fluent Korean, he waited patiently for the translator to finish translating before

he poured himself the liquor with the same smile, choosing the small cups for Japanese soju.

The board member regarded him with the same expressionless face, and only after he’d finished

drinking all three glasses did the old smile resurface. “This is the Lu Han I was introducing you to

earlier.” The Japanese board member smiled as he gestured for Lu Han to sit down. “If you’re unable

to drink, then just don’t drink. This liquor is very strong, you don’t need to force yourself.”

Lu Han sat down, shaking faintly. Under the table, Chanyeol grabbed his hand. Lu Han kept the same

warm smile on his face as he spoke. “No, it’s only proper, after all.”

The Japanese representative that day seemed to have latched onto Lu Han, or rather, chosen Lu Han

as the scape goat, and had latched onto him for the sake of their company. He kept pouring Lu Han

drinks non-stop, and requested for the red-faced Lu Han to improvise a performance, no matter

how hard Chanyeol tried to shield him or Kris tried to take the wine for him. These people seemed

to have locked onto Lu Han, and wouldn’t be satisfied until he was done. It was a strange and

mysterious atmosphere – it was as if he was both the embodiment of the company’s promise that

their artists had high compatibility, and at the same time, he had become the handle by which the

Japanese side was using to drag down the artists of their company. Pulled two ways, there was

nothing he could do but shut his eyes as he took the proffered alcohol and poured it down his throat.

“You were saying just now that his dance and singing are both above average, weren’t you?” the

Japanese board member laughed, clapping his hands together. “Why don’t you show us a song. I

can’t wait.”

“That’s right, you could come to Japan to develop even further, let’s see how well you sing.” The

other board member smiled in agreement.

Kris lowered his head. Under the table, his hands clenched into fists.

Lu Han struggled to hang onto the last bit of awareness he had. “My throat’s a little hoarse, perhaps,

just let me pass for today?”

“Hoarse? I think the sound is very moving. In Japan, there’s a saying. After three rounds of wine, the

songs are even livelier. Whether it’s the singer or the listener, it’s more fun for both,” the other

producer said, mockingly.

“Let me sing in his place, I sing pretty well too.” Chanyeol seemed happy and altogether willing, but

29

his voice was far too hoarse and husky.

“You’ll sing? Now, your voice is really hoarse,” the producer said, eliciting a round of laughter in

agreement.

Chanyeol said nothing, stuck in an awkward spot, while beside him, Kris seemed to have finally

reached his limit, when Lu Han spoke up.

“I’ll sing.” His face had already gone past the red flush of alcohol, and had gone deathly pale. “But I

want to sing a Chinese song, perhaps translator-noona won’t understand.” Lu Han stood up, leaning

on the table, smiling tiredly.

“That’s fine,” the others said. “We only want to hear your voice.”

Kris raised his head to look at Lu Han. Lu Han was standing, his hands pressed against the table,

supporting him, as he closed his eyes for a moment. That image was one he would never be able to

forget for the rest of his life.

The familiar rhythm slipped out of the corner of Lu Han’s mouth. “Olive Tree*.” It was a song that Lu

Han often hummed to himself, when they were in private.

Out of the entire dinner table, he was the only one who could understand what Lu Han was singing,

but in that moment, he wished that he couldn’t. The quiet question that floated through the melody

was one that he couldn’t answer. As to what that olive tree of dreams was, or where it was…

He didn’t know either.

*Lu Han sings this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrjQmZ8t8nQ

Lyrics: http://tben.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/lyrics-of-olive-tree-

%E6%A9%84%E6%A6%84%E6%A0%91/

30

Chapter 3

note: text that was originally in english are noted by italics in this chapter

The dinner finished when the Japanese board members had finally eaten and drank their fill, and

within their raucous laughter, Lu Han seemed barely conscious and completely drunk. The Japanese

senior manager seemed to have taken quite an interest in Baekhyun, holding him and the translator

back to chat with them non-stop while walking towards the entrance of the restaurant. The

company executives forged through their own exhaustion, and continued to converse

enthusiastically and seriously, while the similarly exhausted and somewhat tipsy Kris, limbs weak,

helped up Lu Han who was sprawled against the table, grabbing him by the arm and guiding him to

the door.

Before they’d even taken a few steps, Lu Han started dry heaving painfully, and Kris quickly brought

him to the washroom. Crouching beside the toilet, other than alcohol, Lu Han threw up nothing, as if

his empty stomach had gone on strike.

“Kris, how is he?” Chanyeol walked into the washroom. He turned to look at Lu Han, still kneeling

and dry heaving into the toilet.

“You go ahead. We live together, so I’ll take him home.” Kris looked at Chanyeol and then looked at

the person beside him.

Chanyeol looked at the two of them and then turned around to look outside. “Alright,” he said. “Do

you have enough cash on you?”

“I do.” Kris nodded, but didn’t look up. Chanyeol hesitated for two seconds before he reached into

his wallet and pulled out a bill, leaving it next to Kris before running out. Kris stood up and hurried

back into the private room. He poured a glass of water for Lu Han and helped him up as he rinsed

his mouth. He glanced at his watch: 10:40.

It was raining harder by the minute. By the time Kris walked outside, while still supporting Lu Han,

it was already impossible to budge an inch without an umbrella. A black Buick was parked right in

front of the restaurant. The car window rolled down slightly, and a hand beckoned towards them.

Kris was somewhat surprised that the company had been kind enough to realise they’d stayed

behind, and to leave a car for them. He fumbled with the handle of the door in the rain before he

managed to get Lu Han inside, sliding inside himself right after and closing the door behind him.

The road hurtled by the window in the darkness, as Kris pressed a hand against Lu Han’s forehead.

He wondered silently if they had any fever medication left that hadn’t expired, pulling out his phone

to call Yixing.

Next to him, Lu Han’s phone rang, while at the other end of his phone, no one picked up.

He reached into Lu Han’s pants pockets, pulling out the phone. It was a phone he couldn’t have

known better: Yixing’s white Lenovo. Yixing must’ve forgotten the phone in their room again and Lu

31

Han had taken it by mistake.

And so, he tried again, calling Lu Han’s number this time, and on the other end, the one who picked

up was indeed Yixing.

“Hey. Yixing, Lu Han took your phone,” Kris said.

“Yeah. How’re you guys?” he said at the other end of the line.

“I’ll tell you when we get back.” Kris rubbed at his temples, head throbbing faintly from the alcohol

he’d drank. “Is there any fever medication and something for hangovers at home? If not, I’ll go grab

some.”

“We have them. What happened? Did Lu Han’s fever go up?” On the other end of the line, his worry

was clear.

“Open the windows and air out the room, and get some tea ready.” Kris frowned as he flipped

through the money in his wallet.

“If it doesn’t look good, maybe you should go straight to the hospital,” Yixing said.

Kris glanced at Lu Han and then shook his head. “I don’t think he can take much more fuss, and

there’s always a long wait at the hospital. We’ll come home first.”

“Alright, okay, I’ll come downstairs to…” Before the person on the other end of the line finished

speaking, Kris’s phone finally died, the screen going black. He put his phone back into his bag,

glancing at Lu Han beside him, his face flushed red, as one moment he shivered and shrank into his

down jacket, while clawing it off frantically in the next. He pressed his own ice-cold hand against Lu

Han’s forehead to cool him down, and when he looked up, found that at some point in time, they’d

ended up on the freeway.

“Where is this?” Kris asked, frowning, but instead, the car turned off towards a small exit, taking

them to an even more mysterious place.

“Oi! Where are you taking us?” Kris reached out to tap the driver on the shoulder, only to find that

the person in front of him was wearing a black surgical mask and large glasses. The person

straightened the hat he was wearing, and spoke with his back facing Kris in a calm, billowing tone.

“There’s another car behind us. There are four people in that car. Be good, and you won’t be in any

danger.”

The blood drained from his face as Kris froze for two seconds. He turned to look behind him, and

indeed, an identical black Buick was tailing close behind, and the people in the car seemed to be

wearing the same masks and glasses.

Turning back, Kris’s head felt like it was going to split. He wrapped an arm around Lu Han, hand

inching towards the phone in Lu Han’s pocket.

32

“Turn off your phone.” The person’s voice drifted back calmly. “From now on, if you make a single

phone call without permission, I’m afraid that my earlier promise can’t be considered valid,” the

person in front said.

He narrowed his eyes as he regarded the heavy rain outside. Kris leaned forward slightly, blocking

the cold wind that blew in from outside. He turned to regard the black car still following them

closely, and then glanced at Lu Han, limp and shaking beside him, while thousands of possibilities

flew through his aching head. The car drove further and further into the middle of nowhere, and in

the end, he didn’t make a call.

Before long, the car came to a stop. Outside, it was a pitch-black village, and not far from where they

were seemed to be a wooden hut where the farmers kept their tools. The door next to them was

opened, and Kris dragged Lu Han who was sprawled against the seat with him, staggering out of the

car. The car that’d been behind them stopped smoothly next to them, and four men got out wearing

the same mask, glasses, and hats.

“Sirs, what exactly are you doing…” Kris asked, gasping for breath as he supported Lu Han. “We

don’t have much money, and we won’t be useful to you…”

The driver didn’t speak, wordlessly taking Kris and Lu Han’s bags and tossing them back into the

car as another removed their jackets and threw them into the car as well. They gave the two of

them a simple pat down, and the phone in Lu Han’s pocket was fished out and turned off before

being tossed into the car too.

The driver pointed at the wooden hut, indicating that they should go there.

“He has a fever.” Kris looked helplessly at the man. “Call a taxi and let him go back, I’ll stay.”

The person continued to point at the wooden hut, without saying a word.

Kris looked up, glancing at the simple wooden hut, and then lowered his head as he glanced around

him – there weren’t even any passer-bys nearby. The people who were standing behind him tried to

drag Lu Han out of his grasp. “No, I’ll do it,” Kris said quickly.

The hut was only maybe around 20 meters squared in size. Two lamps hung from the ceiling,

harshly bright, while the room itself was furnished simply. There was an old-style pendulum clock

hung on the wall, and other than a table and a few chairs, there wasn’t much furniture to speak of.

Walking into the room and turning around, Kris couldn’t determine which of the men had been

their driver.

One of the men walked to the table and sat down in front of it, taking out a professional looking

camera and fiddling with the focus. Before Kris had time to react, he and Lu Han were separated, as

two men gripped him by the arms, one of the men guarded the door, and another placed Lu Han, his

strength spent, onto a chair.

“Sorry, but we’re just following orders. We won’t hurt you. We just need some pictures of you in

33

your natural state.” The man holding the camera spoke in a low and rushed voice, and then glanced

meaningfully at the others. When he glanced back, Kris realised with dismay that his clothes was

being cut off him, starting from the sleeves on both sides. He struggled, but alcohol dulled his

strength and it was if he was being held still in a vice of steel pincers. The man who’d been watching

the door came over and kicked him in the knees, and the buckle of his pants were undone and

tugged down.

Turning his head wordlessly, Kris saw that Lu Han’s pants had already been pushed halfway down.

“Wait,” he said, breathlessly, conceding defeat. “Sirs, please wait.”

That person looked at Kris while the people beside him stopped moving. Kris hung his head. “Tell

them to let go of me. I have something to say.”

That person looked at him silently. “I won’t run,” Kris said. “You have Lu Han. I can’t run.”

The person mulled it over silently for a few seconds before he glanced up at the people beside him.

One by one, they let go of Kris, while the person who’d been standing by the door before went back

to his post, the other two standing close on Kris’s both sides.

Kris walked towards the table, before he was pulled back by one of the men beside him. “Don’t go

any further.” Kris nodded, still catching his breath, grabbing the edge of the table as he half-knelt to

the person in front of him.

“Sir, if you take these sorts of pictures, you have to know what it would mean for us.” Kris looked at

him and was met with silence. “I know that you’re a good person, it’s just that you want a handle…”

Kris lowered his head, looking at the floor. “If you want a handle, then I’ll give you a handle, it’ll

definitely be enough for you…” He looked at him, and the way his mouth was parted slightly in

greed, as the person gestured refusal. “Don’t turn me down so quickly. I’ll show you, I’ll do it until

you’re satisfied.” So speaking, Kris looked pleadingly at that person, but the other looked at his

camera without speaking.

Standing, Kris walked over to Lu Han, who was still leaning against the chair. Putting his pants back

on, with his upper half bare, Kris helped up the also shirtless Lu Han and leaned him against the

wall.

The entire room turned to look at them. Lu Han also opened his eyes blearily to look at him.

“I’m sorry,” Kris said softly.

Nodding softly, Lu Han smiled weakly. “Don’t mention it,” he said in Chinese.

Kris lowered his head, silent for a few seconds before he pulled Lu Han towards him, pressing a kiss

as light as a butterfly’s touch against his lips.

He stayed like that for a few seconds, before stopping.

He knew that the people behind him didn’t take any pictures.

34

He stood there silently, clutching tightly onto Lu Han’s hand as he stared out the window. Lu Han

was breathing heavily as he swept the room with the corner of his eye, taking in the people

standing to the side, and the camera. In his mind, the shock was enough to wake him up, but his

head was still in pain and felt like it was on the verge of splitting open. He turned his head back with

great difficult and leaned it against the ice-cold wall. Kris’s breaths sounded by his ear, as if asking a

silent question.

Closing his eyes, Lu Han nodded his head almost imperceptibly. I’ll leave this to you, before it gets

any worse.

Steadying his breathing, this time, Kris used his fingers to part Lu Han’s lips as he kissed him

properly this time. His eyes closed, plunging the world into darkness, as Lu Han thanked his lucky

stars that between the alcohol and his fever, there was no way he could process what was

happening.

Kris had no idea how long this kiss lasted, but he knew that this kiss broke the record for the

longest in his entire life. Among the sea of people watching, he continued to kiss Lu Han as he

slowly moved to where it was brightest, adjusting their positions for every possible angle and

position, inviting the gaze of those situated not too far away. In the quiet room, their passionate

performance continued, while certain nerves were stretched so taut they were near snapping, and

in a moment of hopelessness, his hands drifted slowly down the expanse of the other’s muscles,

down his back, towards his waist.

Beside them, the flash went off a number of times, as the person taking pictures stood up and

walked to the other side. Kris didn’t dare to stop his motions, continuing to kiss Lu Han deeply.

“Move his hand to your waist.” Kris grabbed Lu Han’s hand and did as he was told, gently shifting

his footsteps.

“Move him to the table, and don’t block his face with your hands.” Kris scooped up Lu Han and

dropped him heavily onto the table. He placed his hands on Lu Han’s waist, giving them an

unobstructed view of their profiles as he continued to kiss him, as the flashing light circled them

from every possible angle.

The sound of the shutter went from being rapid and many in number to slowly becoming few, until

it finally, hesitantly stopped.

“That’s enough.” The pendulum clock on the wall sounded 11, and from beside them, came the

sound of quiet orders and the sound of putting the lens away.

Closing his eyes, Kris pulled away from Lu Han’s bruised lips. He lowered his head as he pulled Lu

Han against himself, and in the silence, only the sound of their heavy breathing remained.

Behind them were the sounds of putting away the camera and packing their bags. When he passed

by, that person said, “Sorry for the inconvenience, just take it as a mandatory acting class. Oh, and

35

it’s best if you don’t contact the police. It’s for your own good.” As they brushed past them, an

unknown perfume slipped through the air. The people filed out, and after the sound of the car door

opening came the sound of one set of footsteps returning. He tossed their cellphones to them,

saying at the same time, “Call your friends, and take care.” And then, the two cars drove away.

Collapsing onto the floor, Kris reached out with a shaking hand to pick up his own phone. It turned

on, and immediately after the screen lighted up weakly, gave out. Turning, he picked up the other

phone and turned it on, the four-digit lock blocking it in front of his eyes.

He paused before pressing four numbers, the phone springing to life with an unlock sound.

Shaking, he flipped through two pages before he found Lu Han’s name and number, and pressed it.

“Hello? Where are you guys? I’ve been waiting for 20 minutes.” Yixing’s voice was very loud.

“Yixing.” Kris’s voice was scratchy and hoarse. “We… ran into some trouble.” He looked back at Lu

Han, leaning against his shoulder. “I’m going to use GPS to find out where we are, and then I’ll send

you our location… Hail a car to come pick us up,” he said, words hesitant and faltering.

Silence lingered at the other end of the line for two seconds, before his voice sounded loudly

through the phone. “Where are you? What happened?”

It was as if Kris had lost his last bit of strength. “Do as I said. Also, don’t tell anyone else… and don’t

forget to bring a warm jacket.” So saying, he hung up, pinpointed their location, and sent a text.

By the time Yixing hurried over, the rain was falling torrentially. In the cold and damp room, Kris

had taken their shredded clothes and piled it all onto Lu Han’s body, while Lu Han lay on top of his

legs.

Raising his pale face, Kris looked wordlessly at Yixing.

Without speaking, Yixing blanketed the thick jacket he’d brought over Lu Han’s shoulders, and took

off his own jacket and handed it to Kris. He bent down, helping up Lu Han and placing him into the

left side of the taxi’s back seat, before turning around to look for Kris behind him, his face pale and

spirit crushed.

The two of them faced each other for two full seconds, before Yixing grabbed Kris’s hand and pulled

him into a short embrace. Letting go of his hand, Kris circled around to the right side of the car, his

head lowered. Yixing shut the back door of the car with a click before getting into the passenger’s

seat.

“Back to the city,” he said.

The rain beat down fiercely against the windows of the car, the windshield wiper sweeping back

and forth non-stop. Pressing his hand against Lu Han’s forehead, Kris said wearily, “Could you drive

36

a little faster, driver?”

“What exactly happened?” Yixing’s voice drifted back from the front seat.

“Nothing much. I’ll tell you when we get back.” Kris dragged a hand across his own face, looking up

and out the window.

Yixing fell silent, as he turned back to look at Lu Han’s flushed face, his eyes shut, his pale white

hand splayed across the seat, and on his wrist, that string of Buddhist prayer beads he’d been

wearing ever since the day they’d gone hiking. Turning back, he looked out the window silently. The

earth and the trees were being washed clean by the rain, as if foretelling some sort of ending, and at

the same time, some sort of beginning.

He leaned his hand against the window, resting it carelessly by the corner of his mouth. In the quiet

car, the three people looked in three different directions, as the car hurtled forward in the torrential

downpour.

A dull daze surrounded them. Other than the faintly flickering light from the streetlamps, the only

source of light came from the flashing green of the traffic light not far in the distance, as it was cut

apart again and again by the windshield wipers…

In a split second, his body abruptly hurtled forward, carried by inertia, the sound of sudden braking

screeching by his ears. Kris looked up – a truck that was trying to make a left turn charged towards

them from the right, sliding in the rain, as the driver desperately turned the steering wheel…

In a flash, the sky was overturned and darkness dominated, his body striking something, and in the

small space, it was as if it was twisted and folded before colliding against something hard, while a

rib in the lower right of his chest exploded in pain and the world spun around him…

As the car slid against the road, it slowly came to a stop as it spun, and his body also came to a stop

as well. It was perhaps a few seconds, and at the same time, it felt like a few lifetimes, before

everything regained a quiet calm, with only the sound of the rain remaining.

After a long moment, came the hurried sounds of bystanders’ footsteps, and from within the sound

of the rain, came the sound of people making phone calls, saying something, while the water by the

roadside coursed down like a river.

In the dark, Kris slowly shifted his four limbs that he could still feel, glancing to either side of him.

Across from him, Lu Han had just slowly opened his eyes, and their gazes met. The two of them

looked at each other, before turning to look at the front seat as one…

The people from the ambulance pulled them out of the wreckage and placed them onto stretchers.

Tears poured out from Kris’s eyes unconsciously, as the paramedics surrounded him, wearing

surgical masks as they secured his head. “Don’t look,” they said, as they blocked his vision with their

bodies.

37

He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t make a sound… Kris sucked in huge gasps of air, as he looked

up at the sky. A weak mist seemed to obscure his vision, while beside him, a stretcher draped with a

white cloth was carried by, and the medics pried off Lu Han’s death grip on the stretcher…

He couldn’t hear, couldn’t see a thing…

“We’ve changed the phone to the white model you requested. Please enter in a password, I’ll go get

you a gift bag.”

“Yixing, we…ran into some trouble. Hail a car to come pick us up.”

“Could you drive a little faster, driver?”

God: I’ve already helped you once. I let your phone run out of battery.

Kris: But he was innocent!

God: Wasn’t Jesus who was nailed to the cross innocent? And are you truly repentant?

I beg your mercy, please, I beg your mercy……

It’s too late.

Why not me?

You have your own destiny.

The cry of the ambulance circled shrilly around his head. Around him, it was simultaneously very

noisy, and very quiet. The rain beat against the car window, washing away the history of this

moment.

The fate of each person had been written long ago, and all was where it should be.*

*I feel like this should be “but where was his”? :c

38

His eyes closed…

Why are you smiling like before, waving your hand, where are you going?

The shape of your lips, are you saying good-bye?

The medic, still wearing the surgical mask, looked at this handsome young man and the dampness

that flowed relentlessly out of the corner of his eyes. Helplessly, she carefully wiped away that

which had dripped down into where his neck was already secured. She turned to glance at the other

delicately featured boy whose injuries weren’t serious but who still seemed to be dazed. He lay next

to the stretcher whose fate had already decreed its sentence, clinging to that person’s hand, as if

trying desperately to transfer his own warmth to that person.

Getting him back to his own stretcher was no easy task. Looking at the boy lying on the other

stretcher on the ice-cold ground, the medic finally gave up trying.

To argue with the injured was not a wise thing. Let him do as he will.

Two weeks later, discharged from the hospital.

“Leave from the back door. The front’s swarming with media.” The manager used his body to

support the tall, thin youth as he hurried down the hallway. “If you see any reporters, don’t

comment.”

Kris didn’t nod nor shake his head, his expression blank as they wove down the halls. As they

passed, the nurses paused to whisper, watching him go, the idol who’d been here for weeks, yet

hadn’t said a word.

“Is he the one who locked himself into the bathroom and was breaking things?” A middle aged

senior nurse watched the handsome youth go by, flanked by two staff members. “Or is he the one

who refused to eat for two whole days?”

The assistant nurse beside her couldn’t bear to watch as they left. “He’s the one who was breaking

things, the one who wouldn’t eat started to eat later…”

She glanced at the senior nurse. “At the time, we couldn’t find the key for the washroom right away,

and then the one who refused to eat went to the door and said a few sentences. Then he came out

by himself.”

“He’s pretty good. How’d he persuade him? You guys should learn.” The senior nurse glanced at the

young man, departing in the distance.

39

“No idea,” the nurse said regretfully. “I’d have to learn Chinese before I knew.”

“I heard that the other car that caused the collision was there, but the driver was nowhere to be

found. Who knows what those police are doing every day.” The nurse flipped through the discharge

records. “The other kid was discharged last week, right? Put together their medical records and

drug records, their company is coming to close their accounts in the afternoon.”

“Yes.” The nurse’s eyes still lingered in the distance, her hand flipping through the records, as she

thought about what the Chinese boy called Lu Han had said when he’d left the hospital a week

earlier.

“The person in the same room as me, sorry, but could you keep a close eye on him?” The boy spoke

politely, as he fought but ultimately failed to keep a faint smile on his face.

“We take the utmost care of all our patients.” The nurse smiled as she looked at him.

Hearing this, Lu Han looked like he wanted to say something, but stopped. “I mean… Don’t give him

another chance to lock himself in the bathroom.” He looked up at the nurse.

The nurse looked at Lu Han, trying to understand what he meant, but only half succeeding. “That

was an accident, it shouldn’t happen again.”

“At night, when there’s no one on duty, if possible, it’s best if someone checks up on him every now

and then.” Lu Han knew that his requests were many, and he looked at the nurse pleadingly. He

knew that this nurse recognised them. “Please,” he said.

“Don’t worry.” The nurse smiled at him. “I’ll remind my colleagues in my shift to keep a close eye on

his room.”

“Thank you, also… tell them to never bring up the name LAY.” The hand Lu Han had been using to

cling to the information desk slowly moved away.

Watching Lu Han’s departing back, the nurse lowered her head and picked up the entertainment

section of the newspaper by her hand. The section was scattered with pictures of the group and the

names of the few Chinese members. The boy that Lu Han had just been speaking of also appeared

again and again, both by himself, and in pictures with others.

Folding the newspaper, she threw the entire thing into the nearest trashcan.

40

Chapter 4

Kris thought that his own thoughts and sense of hearing had already grown accustomed to that of

the hospital, and after he was discharged, he felt that no matter where he was, it was very calm.

Very rarely did anyone bring up that name in front of him and Lu Han, including Taozi. Other than

that time in the hospital when two police offers came in for some simple questioning, all discussion

that had to take place in regards to that person was done as far from them as possible.

Kim Jongdae had tidied up the two upstairs rooms so that not a single trace was left, every shred

and scrap tucked and hidden away, as if that person had vanished into thin air, or rather, as if he’d

never existed.

Even though every time he happened to touch upon a memory, it was as if there was nowhere he

did not exist.

Lying in bed, it was 3 in the morning, but Lu Han’s eyes were still open wide, staring up at the

ceiling.

“You’re awake, right?” he asked.

Kris said nothing, looking up at the ceiling.

In the empty space, Lu Han opened his mouth hesitantly. “That day, who were those people who

took us to that room?” he asked.

Kris remained silent for a few minutes before he said, “People who are waiting for us to become

extremely popular, yet who are afraid that we’ll escape their control.” He smiled softly.

In the quiet darkness, Lu Han blinked. “You mean… the company.”

He closed his eyes. “I don’t know,” Kris said. “I told the police everything I remember.” He looked at

the emptiness in the space in front of him. “Whatever I don’t remember, it’s too late to talk about it

now.” In the dark, he turned towards the wall.

“That wasn’t your fault,” Lu Han said.

“If you’d been the one who was awake, it wouldn’t have gotten to that point,” Kris said, chuckling.

“If it were me, I can’t think of anything I would’ve done either,” Lu Han said.

“Then I’ll tell you what you would’ve done.” Kris’s eyes flashed in the darkness. “You wouldn’t have

been able to unlock his phone, so you wouldn’t have been able to call anyone over.”

41

Lu Han fell silent in the dark.

“I bought that phone for him, the password came with the phone, and I’m the one who set it,” Kris

said, laughing quietly.

“Stop talking.” Lu Han looked away from him.

“If I couldn’t unlock the password, I wouldn’t have been able to call him over, but instead, I could

unlock it, and I even fucking called him and told him where we were…” He broke out into raucous

laughter in the darkness.

“If you say it like that then you’re clear about it?” Lu Han looked aside. “How come you don’t say

that the one who took the wrong phone was me? Hm?”

“Whether I’m clear about it or not, what’s it matter to you?” Kris said.

“Not only did I take the wrong phone, all it took was a bit of wine before I got fucking drunk, I’m…”

“Then why don’t you just go die!?” Lu Han’s words were interrupted by Kris’s yell. Kris turned on

the lights, and he looked at Lu Han’s bloodshot eyes.

Under the light, Lu Han gasped faintly for breath, as he looked down at the ground.

“You have something to say? Don’t hold it back.” Kris cocked his head.

Lu Han looked up at him, shoving the lamp to the corner of the desk, until it went off. “What, feeling

sorry for me? Because you liked it when I kissed you, right?” Kris’s voice grated against his

eardrums.

Lu Han shut his eyes. “Are you looking for a beating?”

Kris turned, laughing as he shook his head. “That’s right, we all are.”

“And then?” Lu Han said.

Kris stood, walking straight to Lu Han and pulling him up by the collar, punching him in the face.

Lu Han’s head skewed to the side, as he slowly turned back to look at him.

42

“That’s right, get angry!” Kris laughed at him, provoking Lu Han. Lu Han lunged up, shoving him

against the wall, slamming a punch into his cheekbones, as books and bookshelf toppled to the floor.

The other person made no move to resist, as blood dribbled down slowly from the corner of his

mouth.

“Enough yet!?” Lu Han looked at him. “Let me put this straight, I’m just keeping you company here!”

Kris pulled himself up by the wall, and didn’t say anything.

“Do you really think that if you’re like this, he’ll come back to life!?” Lu Han screamed at him.

Sounds came from both downstairs and next door, as Lu Han panted, looking at the person leaning

defeated against the wall.

Jongdae opened the door, as Tao burst in close after, and in a tangle of limbs, the two of them were

pushed to either side of the room. Tao handed Kris a tissue, and looked at the bruise spreading next

to Lu Han’s eye under the light. “The two of you are sleeping in different places tonight.” So saying,

he grabbed Kris’s blankets and went downstairs, and in a few moments, returned with Minseok’s

blankets, dumping them onto Kris’s bed.

Kris looked lifelessly at Lu Han, and Lu Han looked back at him.

Tao said nothing, standing to the side as he waited for Kris.

The room downstairs was filled with warmth. Kris walked into the bathroom, turning on the tap

and splashing water onto the blood on his face.

“What exactly happened between the three of you that day?” Tao watched him from just outside the

washroom door. “That night I went to pick someone up from the airport. Jongdae sprained his ankle

so he went home, while Joonmyun and the others went to KTV, so by the time I left, only Yixing and

Jongin were still in their rooms. When Chanyeol came back that night, the traffic was bad, and the

guys who went to KTV didn’t come back until 11:30, and both Jongin and Yixing were out. There

wasn’t a single light on in either of the two buildings.”

Kris held his hand under the stream from the tap, silent.

“Chanyeol said that Lu Han was drunk, and that he gave you enough money to hail a cab. Where did

you take Lu Han?” Tao’s eyes lingered on his back.

The one in front of him lowered his head, water dripping off the ends of his bangs.

Tao fell silent for a moment, before he walked up and patted him on the shoulder. “Never mind. Go

43

to sleep?”

“You go ahead, I’ll come later…” Kris cleared his throat hoarsely.

Tao stared at his back, sticking his hands in his pockets as he slowly lowered his head. “Cry if you

want. You don’t need to pretend in front of me.”

Kris shook off the water on his hands. “I’m not pretending. I’ve already cried.”

“I never saw.” Tao looked at him.

Kris turned back wearily, smiling quietly as he patted him on the shoulder. “Someone saw,” he said,

and walked out of the bathroom.

When Kris walked outside to get some fresh air, he saw Lu Han already sitting on the front steps,

the remnants of a cigarette flickering in his hand.

Sitting next to him wordlessly, Lu Han looked at the hand Kris held out and took out a cigarette

from his pocket, before handing it to him and lighting it with his own lighter.

“Sorry,” Kris said.

Lu Han laughed softly. “Don’t mention it.”

“What’re you thinking about, sitting here?” Kris turned to look at Lu Han.

Lu Han looked down. “I was thinking, whether there was such a thing in this world as pure

coincidence.”

Pausing for a moment, Kris said, “There isn’t, only sometimes you can’t see what’s behind each

coincidence.”

Turning his head, Lu Han glanced at him quietly.

“What sort of person do you think would call themselves a name like Clown?” Lu Han blinked.

Kris glanced at him. “Someone who wanted to live under a mask.”

Lu Han turned to look at him. “Then what about us? Do we count?”

Kris laughed, pointing towards the not too distant street. “Look over there, on the street. Everyone’s

wearing a mask when they face others.”

Lu Han paused for a moment, before he said, “Then what about when they face themselves?”

Kris sank into silence, and didn’t answer.

44

“Let’s go walk by the river.” He stood up, turning back to glance at Kris, still holding onto the

flickering cigarette. “Get some air. I have something to tell you.”

Kris looked up, glancing at Lu Han, before standing as well.

The banks of the Han River had few people as it neared dawn, while pale white light scattered off

into the horizon, the river folding in on itself in waves, before dispersing into the fuzzy distance.

Not too far away, a church’s bells sounded, while a few pigeons flew through the sky, leaving behind

them a soundless trace.

“How long have we known each other for?” Lu Han stared ahead as he asked.

Looking at the river, perplexed, Kris said, “I don’t know. A long time, I think.”

Tapping off the long remnants of ash from the end of the cigarette, Lu Han sat down, staring at the

roiling waves of the river. “We both came in 07, Yixing came in 08. As soon as he came, you two met

each other, and I didn’t meet you two until later.”

Kris said nothing.

“When I met you, you two weren’t the only Chinese people in the company,” Lu Han reminisced.

“And then, people came and went, and just the two of you were stuck in that building like nails.”

Kris stared at the flowing river. “Sometimes, you don’t realise how an off-handed decision might

affect the future.” He laughed.

“Nowhere to retreat, so you keep walking forward.” Lu Han turned to look at Kris. “Actually, not too

different from now.”

Kris forced open his heavy eyelids.

Where exactly the road ahead led, where he’d be or in what state he’d be struggling in 10 years

from now, nobody knew.

At that time, who knew if he’d still remember that person called Zhang Yixing. Time swept all into

banality; being forgotten was crueller than being parted by death.

Kris stared ahead. “I’m afraid of the day when time will heal me entirely.”

“You should be looking forward to that day,” Lu Han said. “No one wants to live in pain.”

“What you’re saying is no doubt correct,” Kris said, turning to look at Lu Han. “But you can’t do it

either.”

Lu Han watched the white tinged waves without speaking. Perhaps, humans were even better than

imagined at avoiding hurt. Choosing to forget was simply another part of protecting themselves.

45

“We could always pretend that nothing happened,” Lu Han said.

“True, that’s something we’re good at,” Kris chuckled, turning to him. “What happened that night in

that room – we’ve already been pretending it didn’t happen, right?” He turned away from Lu Han.

Lu Han fell silent, staring into the distance.

The exchange touched only the surface of everyday life, but it had clearly surpassed the safety zone

bordered off in each other’s lives. As to the what had happened that day, Lu Han only thought that

at times, he’d been very bold, and at others, very timid.

Life wasn’t easy, and every person surged within it towards one end point: death. Within the crowd,

each person walked along his destined path and set tracks, leaving behind his old and heavy

baggage to accelerate and speed along. Under the so-called system of values was the dazzling

mirage of a high score sitting far in the distance, whipping along pedestrians, whipping along beasts.

If there’s only that one end point, then those who act on impulse and momentarily lose their way,

ending up on another path – who knows if those people are the foolish ones, or the smarter ones?

Time was complementary. Lu Han suddenly thought of what Clown had said. Perhaps life was as

well.

Maybe, there was no one who could score you, except for yourself.

“What did you want say to me?” Kris turned to look at Lu Han.

The river crashed again and again against the rocks in the distance, washing down the sides, and Lu

Han lowered his head.

“I have a sort of antidote for regret. It can let us go back to the past.” Lu Han blinked. “But it’s not

cheap. The cost is 15 years of our lives.”

Across from him, Kris had no reaction.

“You probably think I’ve gone crazy, right?” Lu Han chuckled, tossing his cigarette stub onto the

ground. “To tell the truth, I think that too.” He looked east, at the faint line of light that heralded the

dawn.

“It’s a long story.” Lu Han looked towards the distance. “I’ve never told anyone.” He smiled, pushing

himself off the ground, sticking his hands into his pockets as he stood, silently regarding the river as

it flowed past.

“This time, I need a partner.” He turned to look at Kris. “And you’re the most suitable candidate, the

only candidate.”

A flock of water birds set flight along the riverbank, their cacophonous calls sweeping into the

46

silence between them, as Kris’s doubtful eyes lingered on Lu Han’s profile.

The bells from the church behind them bellowed majestically, and in that moment, someone took

up the weighty mantle of the task and stepped onto the road, forever changing the tracks of life that

had already been written. Like every time a life came to a switch in the tracks, he wore a ridiculous

coat, yet penned the inevitable story.

All was fair trade in the marketplace of life, a clear price whose effect varied from person to person;

nothing to do with whether or not it was reasonable, and everything to do with whether or not it

was worth it.

47

Chapter 5

By late next morning, Lu Han and Kris were nowhere to be seen. Standing in Tao’s room, Kim

Joonmyun said to Oh Sehun, “Try calling Lu Han again.” As he spoke, he glanced at the clock, already

nearing 12. “And tell them we’re leaving at 2,” he added.

Sehun picked up his phone, and grudgingly dialed the same number he’d already tried at least ten

times, waiting for the message that the phone of the number he dialed was not in service – and so it

was with some surprise, that on the other end of the line, there was a “beep”.

“Sehun.” Lu Han’s voice came through the phone.

“Hyung.” Sehun stood up. “Where are you guys? Why was your phone off?”

“We… went to buy something,” Lu Han said. “Don’t worry, I know today’s schedule. We’ll be back

before two.”

“Where are you guys?” Sehun clutched the phone with both hands, staring out the window. “Did the

two of you fight last night?”

Lu Han fell silent for a moment, before clearing his throat. “Sehun, if we’re not back by two, tell

them to look for us at Bukhan Mountain. Just remember what I’m saying to you, don’t tell anyone

else.”

Sehun’s expression betrayed the slightest shift of surprise. “Why?” He glanced at Joonmyun.

“Just remember, don’t worry. We’ll be back safely. See you in a bit.” Lu Han hung up. Sehun glanced

at his phone, while the entire room looked at him.

“What did he say?” Joonmyun frowned.

“He said…” Sehun hesitated for a moment. “He said that they went out to buy a few things, and

they’ll be back before two.”

“Shopping?” Jongin said. “They left in the middle of the night and they’re still not back – what did

they go to buy?”

“Maybe it has something to do with Yixing-hyung,” Chanyeol said carefully.

Everyone fell silent.

“Did he say anything else?” Joonmyun pointed at Sehun’s phone.

Looking down, Sehun hesitated, before shaking his head.

Tao sat on the edge of his bed with his phone. He tried dialing again, calling Kris. This time, it went

through, but no one picked up. Cursing silently, he threw his phone onto the bed. Tao stared out the

48

window, sliding his hands into his pockets.

“That night, Lu Han-hyung was drunk, and he had a fever,” Baekhyun mused quietly. “We all tried to

step in for him, but nothing was working. And then after, the manager kept talking to me when we

were leaving, and I saw Kris helping Lu Han-hyung to the washroom.”

“Lu Han-hyung’s condition wasn’t good at that time. I should’ve stayed and left with them.”

Chanyeol thought back to that day, that rainy night seemingly flashing past in front of his eyes.

“That night, around 10:45 or so, I was at KTV when I sent Lu Han a text, asking him if he wanted to

come sing with us when he was done. Yixing was the one who texted back, saying that Lu Han took

his phone by accident, and that they weren’t back yet,” Joonmyun said.

“And then I asked if he wanted to come, but he said he was waiting for someone, so he wasn’t

coming.” Joonmyun sat down. “And then, after we went back, you guys were all stuck in traffic and

weren’t back yet, and Yixing wasn’t around either.” Listening to Joonmyun, Chanyeol glanced at

Baekhyun.

“And you, you two were out all night again that night.” Joonmyun glanced at Jongin and Baekhyun,

the two of them looking in different directions.

“After we got stuck in traffic I just got off the car, and went to see my noona,” Baekhyun said.

“I went to a friend’s birthday party.” Jongin was staring at the wall.

And then, came the news of the accident.

Everyone in the room fell silent. “Why did those people have to get Lu Han drunk?” Tao said.

“Because of the Japanese team thing,” Baekhyun said. “He might be the leader.”

“So just because he’s the leader he has to drink?” Tao frowned. “You guys didn’t tell them that he

can’t hold his alcohol? And that he had a fever?”

Baekhyun and Chanyeol both fell silent, while next to them, Joonmyun spoke up. “It’s not that

simple,” he said, fiddling with the lamp on the desk. “If he really is the leader, then he can’t avoid

this sort of thing in the future.”

“You guys are all going to Japan?” Jongin turned back to look at Baekhyun.

Baekhyun met his eyes. “I don’t think so. I don’t think Kris-hyung is going to go, he probably was

only at that dinner because he’s too well known.”

“And the rest of you?” Jongin continued to stare at him.

Baekhyun turned to look out the window. “I don’t know. Don’t ask me.”

49

“There’s only twelve of us – splitting us into two teams isn’t enough?” Jongin kicked at the wall.

“It’s not up to us,” Baekhyun said, his expression neutral. “We just listen to orders.”

“I don’t believe that they can force me to go if I didn’t want to.” Jongin turned to look at Baekhyun.

“No one wants you to go,” Baekhyun said. “Just stay here and be lead dancer in K.”

“But you…” Jongin blurted quickly, before hastily backtracking and slowing his words. “And

Chanyeol. If you’re all gone then what am I supposed to do?”

“Maybe they’ll add new members,” Kyungsoo said. He averted his eyes.

Taking out the hammer they’d just bought, Lu Han tossed it a few times in his hand. “Pretty light.”

Kris ripped apart the wrapping on a box of nails, tossing it onto the floor. “Just these two things,

right?”

“You remember everything I told you?” Lu Han kicked at the box of nails.

“The person who goes back first, the number of doors they knock on within half an hour determines

the time the second person returns to. I remember.” He picked up a nail, and then glanced at the

wall.

“Last time, I went back for a bit over five hours, but I was only asleep against Yixing’s shoulder for a

few minutes here,” Lu Han said next to him. “This time, we’ll have a half hour difference between us

when we go back. It’ll probably be ten seconds or so, but it should be enough for us to tell who’s the

guide.”

Kris glanced at the sun burning overhead and nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“No matter who’s the guide, just go according to plan, play it by ear,” Lu Han said. “Make sure the

person who goes after isn’t completely lost.”

“I know,” Kris said.

“Fifteen years, last chance.” Lu Han turned to look at him. “You’re sure?”

Kris looked at him and chuckled. “I have a long lifespan.”

Lu Han laughed, and then lowered his head. The wall towered above them, while misty water

vapours rose in a splendour of rainbow light.

Kris bent down, scooping up two nails and tossing one to Lu Han. The two of them clasped each

other’s hands wordlessly under the sun and turned to that crack in the wall, holding the nail as they

50

began to hammer them in.

When Lu Han turned his head, Kris had already slumped silently against the wall, fallen into a deep

sleep.

“We don’t need to record that segment again, do we?” On stage, the slightly overweight MC was

discussing things with the sunbae from their company and the staff members off stage. Meanwhile,

the fans were sitting in an orderly fashion off-stage, turning to whisper to each other as they

secretly took photos with their phones. “Hey! We said you’re not allowed to take pictures! Anything

you film, we’ll cut from broadcast.” A staff member hurriedly walked over, gesturing at them.

Kris glanced all around him, at the familiar scene and his familiar companions. Yixing sat next to

him, grinning stupidly as he waved at the fans, while Lu Han was twisted around, pointing at the

carnival wheel not too far away, saying something to Sehun. Jongin was staring at Baekhyun,

playing non-stop with the fans. He reached out to smooth a clump of hair that had gotten mussed up,

before leaning back carelessly against the wall.

Kris was sure that this was something that had happened recently, sometime in March. He turned,

tugging at Jongdae’s arm. “What day is it today?”

Jongdae narrowed his eyes as he thought. “The 1st, maybe, or is it the 2nd?”

He took out his cell phone, glancing at the staff nearby before stealthily turning on his phone. The

screen blinked: 2013, March 2nd, 10:05.

Turning back, he looked at the people around him. Lu Han also turned to look at him. “What’s

wrong?”

“20 days.” Kris stared into his eyes.

“What’d you say?” Lu Han quirked an eyebrow.

Kris didn’t answer, sweeping to his feet and flying towards backstage. The fans reacted with slight

surprise – Yixing noticed the difference, his eyes also turning towards backstage.

The MC finished talking with the staff members and raised his head. “Okay, we’ll continue filming

from the last segment, everyone, applause.” The recorded applause was just as enthusiastic as

before, as the camera and lighting equipment began to do their work. As his words faded away, he

followed the gaze of the fans towards the members, and then glanced again at backstage, frowning

imperceptibly.

Dashing backstage, everyone stared curiously at Kris. He looked all around him, at all the doors, his

gaze taking in every door that he could see.

“Kris, what are you doing off stage?” The voice of a make-up artist came from behind him, before he

51

discarded it entirely. The break rooms, the dressing rooms, the staff preparation rooms, the

washrooms…

“Who knocked just now?” From the dressing room of a popular sunbae who’d just finished

recording a previous program, his assistant’s head poked out, glancing all around him, meeting the

eyes of a few people who were just as confused.

16, 17, 18…

Kris looked wildly around him as he ran, having exhausted all the doors on both floors backstage.

Having reached the end, he had no choice but to turn back. The manager was standing in the

hallway backstage, grabbing him. “What are you doing!? They’ve already started to record!” As he

was dragged towards the stage, Kris reached over and managed to knock on the side-exit of the

stage, before the manager pushed him on-stage.

The MC glanced in his direction, still keeping up his humorous expression. Tao and Sehun were

already standing in the middle of the stage, facing the two wheels – Tao’s wheel had the names of

the 6 K members, while Sehun’s had the names of the 6 M members.

“Where’d you run off to?” Chanyeol asked next to him. “It was supposed to be you and Joonmyun

throwing the darts. Now they switched it to the two magnaes.”

Kris stared at the familiar scene in front of him. He remembered standing where Tao was, not too

long ago, throwing the dart and landing on Chanyeol’s name, while Joonmyun hit Lu Han.

It was the same as what he remembered. Facing each other on stage were two chairs, and on the

armrests of each was a reaction meter with the display facing the front. Underneath each chair was

a stage that could be either raised or lowered, and in the center of the stage was an already raised

section of stage, with two doors facing the audience. On each door was a small video camera

directed towards each chair, and within each door was hanging a neatly wrapped present.

“Do the two magnaes receive any special treatment within their teams?” the MC teased Sehun and

Tao with a smile. “Ahh, I know exactly what it’s like, you don’t have to hide it from me!”

The microphone was held next to Sehun’s mouth, and Sehun grinned. “Eh… I don’t really have to do

anything.”

“Oh, really? You have a very humane group of hyung-deul. Then Tao, do your hyung-deul bully you

because you’re the magnae?” The MC smiled at Tao, eyes crinkling into crescents.

Tao glanced disdainfully at the other members of M. “Them? Bully me?” From off stage came a wave

of laughter.

“What Tao means is that it’s enough if he doesn’t bully his hyung-deul!” The MC told the audience,

before turning back to Tao. “Is your relationship with the K members usually good?”

Taozi smiled, looking towards the six people who were watching him with interest. “Pretty good,”

52

he said. The MC nodded, repeating his words. “Pretty good, that’s a cautious way to say it.” He held

the microphone in front of Tao’s face again. “Then whose real thoughts do you want to hear the

most?” the MC asked.

Tao thought about it for a moment, before smiling and saying, “Baekhyun.”

“Oh?” The MC walked towards K. “Now I’m curious, why is it our Baekhyun?” So speaking, he pulled

Baekhyun forward.

Tao looked towards Baekhyun, and the other K members standing behind him. He smiled and shook

his head. “That… I can’t say.”

“The more you say the more curious I get.” The MC gestured towards the audience to cheer.

“Why are you guys cheering?” Tao shook his head helplessly towards the audience. “Can I throw the

dart?”

“Okay, Tao can’t wait any longer.” The MC glanced at the program as he spoke, handing Tao and

Sehun each a blunt-tipped dart.

“In this paper tube, I have 30 folded slips of paper, with each slip containing a very tricky question.”

The MC held up a paper tube, around 10 centimeters or so in length. “The two people who get

selected by the darts will first choose two questions from this tube, in total of four questions, and

then they’ll sit on these two lie detectors on stage. The lie detector chairs will slowly rise to the

same level as this raised stage in the middle, and the two people seated on the lie detectors will

have to answer these 4 fiendishly difficult questions. The connection between the chair and the

door will rise, according to whether or not you answer the question truthfully. Only if you

successfully undergo the questioning, will you be able to obtain our ultimate prize. Otherwise,” the

MC glanced up at the top, “the chair will continue to rise up, where a fearsome punishment awaits.”

Kris looked up. As he remembered it, Chanyeol had answered questions correctly one after another,

and they’d watched as the connecting bridge rose between the two stages, until the interrogation

was complete and the lie detector chair finally released him. He’d pushed open the door and

grabbed the present hanging there.

“Careful to aim well, don’t throw it outside of the board!” The MC gestured for Tao to go first, and a

group of fans sitting near the dartboard clearly didn’t trust his skills, as they stood and moved away.

The MC spun the wheel with the 6 K members’ names written on it, and Tao leaned forward a little.

The dart flew towards the wheel, and next to it, were three letters: KAI.

“Ahh, looks like there’s no way you’ll realise your dream.” The MC patted Tao on the shoulder and

pulled Jongin out from among the K members. He pushed him onto the lie detector chair on the

right, pressing down the reactor apparatus on the armrest with a click. Jongin tested it, but couldn’t

pull his arm out.

53

Kris glanced fretfully at the time on his phone: 10:15 pm. He had 20 minutes. He turned his head

slightly towards the backstage exit; the managers, assistants, and directors were all standing there.

He looked at the door towards the back of the auditorium and the rows upon rows of fans sitting in

front of it, and helplessly turned back.

He shut his eyes. He vaguely remembered that the time limit for this game was fairly short, and that

the entire thing was filmed in one take.

“Your turn,” the MC said, handing Sehun a dart.

“Wait,” Kris said suddenly.

The MC and Sehun both turned to look at him.

“I volunteer,” he said, raising his hand.

The MC stared at him in slight disbelief, before turning slightly to the audience. “Looks like someone

is offering to step forward.” The MC walked towards him. “I want to know why,” he said, holding the

microphone next to his mouth.

As he scrambled for a reason, Kris fell silent, at a loss of words.

“Is it because…” The MC smiled. “You’re scared of what the person who might get chosen say?” As

he spoke, he glanced at the other 5 members of the M team.

Looking at the MC, Kris cocked his head to one side. “Yes,” he said.

“May I ask who?” the MC asked.

“Why do I have to tell you?” Kris asked back, laughing.

The MC looked at him and smiled.

“If that’s one of the questions, I’ll happily answer.” Kris pointed at the lie detector.

Pressing his lips together, the MC smiled as he looked at Kris. Finally, he turned and said, “Okay.”

Kris walked towards the lie detector on the left and sat down, and the reaction apparatus was

quickly clipped on.

Waving to the remaining members to stand behind their respective team member’s lie detector, the

MC held the tube filled with questions in front of the two people, and four slips of paper were

drawn and placed in his hand. Gesturing a “ready, set,” the MC handed the two of them microphones,

and walked towards the side of the stage. The manager looked up at the raised stage, and the

pressure master at the very top. “Is it safe?” he turned to ask the PD, and the PD gave an OK sign.

The stage darkened, and two spotlights shone on the two chairs and the central raised stage. The lie

detectors rose unhurriedly and stopped. Kris looked at the door a few meters away from him, as the

54

video camera almost at eye level whirred to life.

“From now on, the two of you are not idols with masks – the two of you are simply test subjects of

these lie detectors.” A robotic voice distorted through a voice changer echoed from the four dark

corners of the stage.

“You will be faced with four questions. The content of the questions will be related to either you, or

your closest teammates. Please answer as best as you can. For each question, the time limit will be

10 seconds,” the robotic voice said slowly.

“Please remember, you have only one chance to lie, and then correct yourself. If you successfully

pass this game, you may push open the door in front of you and get something that is yours, while if

you do not pass, then what you face is a most terrible punishment.” The robotic voice continued to

build up the atmosphere.

“Kai, Kris, allow me to ask, are you ready?” The voice seemed to be waiting for their answer.

“I’m ready.” Jongin quirked his lips in a smile, as he spoke to the microphone.

“I’m ready.” Kris also spoke down into the microphone.

The machine seemed to slow to a stop, and after a few seconds, a “beep” came from the darkness of

the stage. Yellow lights flickered on from the back of each lie detector chair, as the entire audience

fell silent.

“Question one. Please answer: to be able to rise up from among the mass of trainees and debut,

what do you each consider is the one thing you relied on to do so?” The machine paused for a few

moments before saying, “Your answer, please.”

In the darkness, the amplified tick-tock of the seconds sounded. One, two, three seconds…

“Dance,” came Jongin’s clear answer.

In the dark, Yixing looked up towards Kris, but through the light, all he could see was his

expressionless back.

After two seconds, an answer came from that direction as well. “My looks.”

After the ten seconds had ticked to completion, the light on the two chair backs both turned green,

and the connection of the stage in the center rose by one section.

“Question two.” The machine continued to operate. “After a bitter battle in which you are the

commanding officer, your troops can either rely on the enemy and retain their lives, or stay and

wait for death. You have scattered the remaining 11 members – ultimately, who is the one person

who will stay with you until the end?” After a pause, the machine said, “Your answer, please.”

The seconds ticked by, but the two of them remained silent.

55

Baekhyun slowly sat down in the corner, sticking out his leg as if bored to death, looking up. On the

other side of the stage, Lu Han held up his forehead as he looked at Yixing.

“Chanyeol.”

“Tao.”

The two voices answered at almost the same time, as the clock ticked a few times, before the two

lights lit up green and blinding, and the stage continued to rise.

“Why aren’t these the questions we’d discussed beforehand?” the manager frowned, asking the PD.

“We couldn’t include all the questions in the examples, and they chose these few themselves.” The

PD looked soothingly at the manager as he spoke. “Besides, seeing what they’re like in the program

isn’t a bad thing for them.”

“These few questions of yours have managed to fire quite a few bullets into the bridges we’ve been

painstakingly building,” the manager said, shaking his head helplessly as he did so.

“Question three.” The machine couldn’t see the two people’s unnatural expressions, and continued

with its calm questioning. “Since debut, have you kissed another adult?” After a pause, the machine

said, “Your answer, please.”

The manager watched the stage calmly, apparently unperturbed by this question. The sound of the

ticking clock became louder and louder. Lu Han looked away, and at the other corner of the stage,

Baekhyun averted his eyes, unmoving.

“Yes,” Kris said.

Before the manager had time to react and come out of his stupor, the sound from the other side also

reached his ears.

“Yes,” Jongin said.

The green lights on both sides lit up, and the stage continued to rise, with only a quarter of the way

to go. The suspended cameras rotated 360 degrees, filming the two’s expression, as the PD excitedly

walked away from the manager and towards one of the staff backstage. “As soon as the tape for this

program is finished, hurry and make a backup of this segment.”

“Last question.” The machine slowly began to ask its last question.

“A very well-known director with a very good reputation has an outstanding screenplay in hand,

with all the funds arranged and an extremely experienced production team. The content of the

screenplay involves a same-sex relationship, and you have already been selected to play the main

character. The other main character will also be one of the members from EXO. Who would you

wish it to be?” As soon it finished asking the question, the machine said tonelessly, “Your answer,

56

please.”

“What sort of damn questions are these!?” The manager pointed at the PD, keeping the volume of

his voice low. The PD quickly glanced meaningfully at one of the people beside him as he pulled the

manager over. “Ah, well, these questions are the type the audience loves.” To the side, one of the

assistant staff poured a cup of water, pulling him inside at the same time.

“You didn’t ask a single one of the questions you showed me as examples.” The manager’s spit flew

as he yelled.

“It’s fine, it’s fine, we can’t cut them off in the middle of filming either. We’ll film it first, whether or

not we air it, we’ll discuss it later, all right?” The PD seemed to be placating him, while the assistant

staff watched from the side, amused. She remembered at the time, how she’d carefully written the

questions onto the strips, when the PD had walked past and glanced at her, saying “You don’t need

to be so careful, just putting in blank ones is fine too.”

Backstage was chaos, but on stage, it was complete calm. The time was already half done; both Kris

and Jongin listened to the countdown of the last three seconds as they raised their heads.

“Se-Sehun…” Jongin answered unwillingly, gritting his teeth.

“Lay…” Kris probed the darkness that surrounded him with the name.

Across from him, Sehun’s mouth opened wide, while Yixing slowly raised his head in the darkness,

staring at the light on the back of that person’s chair. The fans off stage remained silent.

Two red lights both lit up, and an ear piercing “bii—bii—” sounded.

Slowly turning his head, Kris stared blankly at that red light that wouldn’t stop flashing, as

something pounded against his head, but what it was, he didn’t know.

It was true – there was one other name.

When the red light had gone on, or maybe before he’d even answered the question, that name had

been there, only before he’d had a chance to say it aloud, that name had already been turned down

by himself. That wasn’t possible, he told himself.

“You both have one chance to correct yourselves, please answer again.” The machine sounded again,

with even the make-up artists and stylists coming out from backstage to see what was going on on-

stage.

As the seconds ticked down, the manager walked in front of the stage, just to the side of the

audience, as he waved towards them wildly. A question that could usually be answered normally

had, with their two lies, become a strange situation.

Jongin stared at the door in front of him. It was as if he’d suddenly lost all his strength. “I give up,”

he said, hanging his head.

57

Breathing in the darkness, Kris reminded himself of the reason he’d come back this time. You’re just

missing one door, you useless thing, he said to himself.

The last three seconds sounded off.

What do you want, he said to that lie detector silently, what do you want to hear?

Two seconds.

Whatever, I’ll say whatever you want to hear.

One second.

He picked up the microphone and held it in front of his face. “Lu Han,” he said.

Everyone was silent.

The light on the back of Kris’s chair flared green, as the stage between him and the central stage

was completely connected, while the stage under Jongin’s chair began to slowly rise.

The reaction apparatus by his arm opened with a bang. Kris stood up and walked slowly over,

knocking the door, but paid no attention to the present hanging there.

The stage lowered, as Kris walked towards the other M members expressionlessly, the other five

equally silent.

“What time is it?” he asked Yixing.

As if he’d been given an electric shock, Yixing suddenly came out of his stupor. He glanced at his

watch. “Ten thirty,” he said.

Letting out the breath he’d been holding, Kris glanced at Lu Han out of the corner of his eye. Lu Han

was avoiding his gaze. Whatever, it wasn’t like the you on the other side would know anything

about it.

If we weren’t trying to do this thing, I would’ve done the same thing you’d done at the time,

laughing as you dodged the last question – that would’ve been a good choice. But compared to some

things, you’re actually not afraid of heights at all.

It’s fine. As long as the audience is happy, it’s fine. “Good luck,” he said as he glanced down, speaking

quietly to Lu Han standing beside him.

58

Chapter 6

A glass of red wine was splashed onto Lu Han’s face, sparkling liquid dripping continuously from

the ends of his hair. He bowed his head, silent for a moment, before he looked up and snatched the

glass in front of Chanyeol and splashed the contents at the person in front of him. Without looking

behind him, he grabbed his bags and ran for the door.

Once Lu Han was out of the restaurant, he glanced at the clock in the lobby – it was 10:05. He ran

outside into the rain and hailed a taxi.

Taking out Yixing’s white Lenovo, he quickly found his own number. Rolling open the window and

breathing in the damp air, he waited for the person on the other end of the line to pick up.

“Hello?” Yixing’s voice came from the other side of the line. “You guys are done?”

“Are you at home?” Lu Han asked.

“I am, why?” the person on the other end of the line answered absentmindedly.

“Just stay there, don’t you dare go anywhere, I’ll be back soon,” Lu Han said loudly into the phone.

Yixing shifted the phone away from his face, as if hiding from Lu Han’s spittle. “Where would I go?

Did your fever go up?”

“I’m fine,” Lu Han said. “But don’t you dare go anywhere, I’ll be back soon, and don’t pick up the

phone no matter who calls, especially if it’s Kris.” Lu Han tried to stifle the coughs that wracked his

feverish body.

“Why ‘especially Kris’?” Yixing paused. “Are you drunk? Is Kris with you? Give him the phone.”

“He’s not here,” Lu Han said, furrowing his brows. “I’m outside.”

“You’re outside?” Yixing grew more and more perplexed. “Didn’t you all finish at the same time?”

“Just stop asking.” Lu Han forged through the nausea from the combination of his fever, empty

stomach, and carsickness. “Just stay quietly at home,” he said, and hung up the phone.

At 11:40, Baekhyun was pulled aside by the Japanese manager to talk about this and that, while the

manager from their company was still apologising for Lu Han’s actions, a smile plastered on his face.

Kris grabbed Chanyeol and staggered towards the door, but Chanyeol started gagging halfway there

and ran off to the washroom. Kris waved his hand at Baekhyun who kept looking back at them,

indicating that Baekhyun should ignore them and just go home first.

The rain was falling heavier. Kris staggered out the door on unsteady legs, dragging a deathly pale

Chanyeol with him. A black Buick rolled down its window, an arm sticking out and waving towards

them.

59

“Hello? Yixing? Chanyeol’s plastered, do we have any alcohol medication at home?” Kris looked at

Chanyeol, who was sitting beside him and babbling nonsense, while he flipped through his wallet,

sandwiching the phone against his cheek as he talked.

“I’m Lu Han.” On the other end of the line, there was uncertain heavy breathing.

Kris startled, before yelling at the phone. “Where’d you run off to!? Do you know what you just did?

Do you know what that meant for Chanyeol? Where are you?”

“I’m…” Lu Han bent over, hands on his knees as he gasped for breath, looking back at the line of cars

behind him. “There’s a traffic jam, and I didn’t know how long I’d have to wait, so I got off the car

and I’m hurrying home right now.”

“Then we’ll talk later.” Kris hung up.

Lu Han stared at the phone, face deathly pale, before calling him back.

-

“Sorry, the number you have called is currently busy.” Lu Han swore, before finding his own name

and calling.

“Sorry, the number you have called is currently busy.” The same message. Lu Han dragged a hand

across his rain-drenched face, staring helplessly at the impenetrable road.

-

“Yixing?” Tao was sitting in the car when he glanced at the caller ID, holding it up next to his ear.

“Taozi, where are you right now?” On the other end of the line, Lu Han’s weak yet impatient voice

came through.

Frowning, Tao glanced again at the caller ID on his phone. “Lu Han? Did you two take each other’s

phones by mistkae?”

Lu Han slowed his run, gasping for breath. “Where are you?”

“I’m on the way to the airport,” Tao said. “Picking up someone from my hometown, I’m nearly there.”

Tao glanced out the car window.

Lu Han closed his eyes, his head spinning. “Your hometown? Who?”

“That person I was telling you about last time…” Tao began, explaining in his usual long-winded

fashion. “The guy who’s really good at dancing…”

Lu Han interrupted him. “We’ll talk about this later.” Tao looked at his phone which had just been

suddenly hung up on, with no idea what he was supposed to do.

60

In the rain, Lu Han tried to wipe at the blurry cellphone screen as he flipped through Yixing’s

contact list.

“Why the fuck don’t you have anyone’s numbers?” Lu Han was shaking as he kept scrolling. As soon

as he found Jongin’s name, he called.

-

“Hello? Yixing hyung?” Jongin was sitting in the taxi that had just started up, rolling down the car

window slightly.

“It’s Lu Han. Are you at home?” Lu Han asked loudly into the phone.

Jongin glanced at his phone before he said, “No, I went out for a bit.”

“Then who’s home?” Lu Han asked.

“…Yixing-hyung, I think,” Jongin said after a moment of thought.

“Anyone else?” Lu Han asked.

“I think they went out to sing,” Jongin said, and like that, Lu Han hung up with a beep. Jongin stared

strangely at his phone.

-

“Hello~ Yixing-hyung!” Kyungsoo picked up the phone. “It’s boring at home by yourself right? Come

and sing with us!”

“Kyungsoo, where’s Minseok!?” It was Lu Han’s voice on the other end of the phone, and Kyungsoo

glanced at his phone, confused, just to make sure that it was ‘Issing’ on the caller ID.

“Lu Han-hyung? If you guys are done eating, come and hang out with us.” As he spoke, he glanced at

Joonmyun who was picking songs. “Oi! Leave some for me!” he yelled, before turning back to his

phone. “You’re looking for Minseok? ...I think he went to the washroom…” Kyungsoo said, looking all

around him.

“Give the phone to Oh Sehun!” Lu Han’s voice came from the other end, as Kyungsoo covered his

ears in the booming noise.

“What’d you say?”

“Oh Sehun!!” Lu Han yelled at the phone.

“Right.” Kyungsoo patted Sehun, handing him the phone. “It’s Lu Han,” he said.

61

The noise at the other end of the phone seemed to get quieter, and the sound of a door closing

followed by footsteps heading towards some quiet place came through. “Hello, hyung?”

“Sehun, how far are you from home right now?” Lu Han asked in the rain.

Sehun glanced at the rain pouring outside, and at the sports center. “We just finished bowling and

came here to sing. There aren’t any streets nearby, so I can’t get a taxi.”

“What if you ran?” Lu Han asked.

Sehun froze for a moment as he looked outside. “If I ran…a bit more than 15 minutes, I think.”

Swallowing a mouthful of saliva, Lu Han said, “Don’t ask why, just run home right now, and then

lock Yixing into a room and don’t let him out!”

Sehun froze.

“Do it! Now!” Lu Han yelled.

Sehun hesitated for a moment, but didn’t ask Lu Han anything else, only saying an “Ok.” He hung up

and ran back into the room, tossing the phone to Jongin, and without saying a word, grabbed his

jacket and an umbrella and ran into the rain.

-

Standing in the rain and bracing his hands against his knees, Lu Han dialed Kris’s number again.

“I’m sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service.”

He found his own number again and called, and on the other side, Yixing picked up.

“Yixing, when Kris calls you again in a bit, no matter what, don’t pick up,” Lu Han said weakly.

“Why?” Yixing asked. “He said Chanyeol’s really drunk, they’re on the way home now… What are

you doing? Where are you?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m not important,” Lu Han said, doubled over. “Just please promise me this once.”

There was silence on the other end of the line. “Lu Han, what exactly did those people do during

tonight’s dinner?”

Lu Han closed his eyes and bowed his head, rain drenching his scalding hot body, exhausted to the

bone.

“Don’t answer his call,” he said softly. “I’m begging you.”

Standing under the eave, he watched as the rain poured down outside. “How do you know he’ll call?”

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Yixing asked.

Licking his lips, Lu Han panted as he glanced at his watch. He hung up, and began sprinting with all

his strength towards home.

In the dark night, the only things flickering were the streetlights. Lu Han dashed into the building,

almost falling over. A wave of happiness washed over him when he saw that the light upstairs was

on, as he half-crawled half-scrambled upstairs, unlocking the door to Yixing’s room with his key.

In the room, Sehun turned to look at him. Lu Han stood dumbly in the doorway.

“How did you get locked in?” Lu Han asked lifelessly.

Sehun looked at him apologetically. “I was too tired, I ran and…”

Lu Han gripped at the door handle, his hand shaking. “Where is he?”

Sehun pointed towards the front door. “He left a few minutes ago.”

Lu Han made to run towards the door, but instead, he tripped and fell into the ground. Lu Han

struggled to stand, as Sehun looked at the way his clothes was soaked through and felt his burning

forehead. “Hyung, you have a fever!”

“I’m fine.” Lu Han shook Sehun off, grabbing the door and struggling to pull himself to his feet.

“It’s raining outside…you can’t go like this.” Sehun grabbed Lu Han by the arm and tried to drag him

back into the room, but Lu Han shoved at him fiercely.

“I said I’m fine!” Lu Han yelled at him.

Sehun stared numbly at Lu Han, and Lu Han glanced away after he’d finished yelling. “I have to go,”

he said, and ran out.

Sehun took off his own jacket and picked up his own umbrella and chased Lu Han downstairs. “Put

this on,” he said, draping it over Lu Han’s shoulders and pressing the umbrella into Lu Han’s hands.

Lu Han didn’t look back, running straight into the rain.

-

Yun sat in the car, stopped at the corner in the dark, holding the cellphone up to his ear. “He’s back

home.” Then he frowned, looking out the window. “Wait…he came out again, and someone’s

following him… He hailed a cab, I’ll follow him.” So speaking, Yun prepared to start the car, but

suddenly slowed his actions instead.

63

“Why?” Yun frowned, the person on the other end still speaking.

“Okay.” He turned off the ignition, watching as the taxi drove off in the rain. “Why’s your voice so

strange?” he asked.

“Alright. See you soon.” He started the car, and drove off in the opposite direction.

-

Lu Han sat in the front seat of the car, soaked to the bone. “Go to the highway,” he said, even though

he didn’t know where he was heading.

In Yixing’s phone, he found Baekhyun’s number and dialed it. The other side picked up. “Hello,

Yixing-hyung?”

“Baekhyun, send Chanyeol’s number to my phone,” Lu Han said.

“Lu Han-hyung?” Baekhyun held the phone by his ear, as he opened the umbrella he’d just bought

and walked onto the sidewalk. “Where’d you run to just now?”

Lu Han lowered his head. “Don’t ask now, just send me Chanyeol’s number.”

Baekhyun looked at his cellphone, puzzled. “Send it to your phone, right, got it.” He found

Chanyeol’s number in his phone and sent it to Lu Han’s phone. By the time he held the phone up to

listen to it again, Lu Han had already hung up.

In Yixing’s bag, the phone lit up. He glanced at Baekhyun’s name and the string of unfamiliar

numbers, before turning off the screen and tossing it aside.

Before long, Baekhyun’s phone displayed Issing’s name again. He picked up, and on the other end,

Lu Han had one of his rare explosions.

“Where’s Chanyeols number!?”

“I sent it to your phone already,” Baekhyun said, not understand what he’d done wrong.

“Whose phone?” Lu Han asked.

“Didn’t you ask me to send it to your phone?” Baekhyun asked.

“Send it to the phone I’m calling you from! Yixing’s phone!” Lu Han’s mood was clearly unstable.

Baekhyun was confused, not understanding what he’d done to make Lu Han this upset. “…Okay. Lu

Han hyung, what’s wrong?”

On the other end of the line came heavy breathing. “I’ll explain later.”

64

-

Kris’s face was pale and ashen as he sat on the floor. Chanyeol blinked those huge eyes of his,

already half sobered from the wine.

“I shouldn’t have tried to run just now,” Chanyeol said, head bent as he tugged at his own hair. “I’m

sorry.”

Kris was silent, reaching over with his faintly throbbing arm and pulling Chanyeol over by the

shoulder. “I don’t blame you.”

“I thought that at least one of us had a chance of running away.” Chanyeol stared at the wooden

door, as if seeing the him who’d just been dragged through it and thrown to the floor, while the

person beside him had crooked a finger at Kris, who’d already run some thirty or so meters away.

“Kid, come back.”

“…Sir, please let me explain…” Illuminated under the light, the youth there had already been taught

a lesson. He spoke, beaten and weary.

“Can’t.” The man holding the camera had glanced at the people beside him.

“Just now, I didn’t mean it, sir, we won’t run again…”

But the people around him clearly weren’t listening.

Kris looked out the window at the rain, pulling Chanyeol close. “It’s fine, it’ll pass.”

On the floor, Chanyeol’s phone rang. ‘Issing’ flashed on the screen, and Kris picked up the phone.

“Hello?” Kris said, his voice hoarse.

“Did Yixing arrive?” Lu Han’s voice.

“No,” Kris said, his eyes drifting to outside, his voice calm. “Soon, I think.”

“Kris, listen to me,” Lu Han said. “No matter what problems I caused for Chanyeol or you by leaving

halfway, the two of you can’t get in Yixing’s car. No matter what.”

In the frigid cold, Kris blinked, smiling softly towards the ground. “You know what you did too, then.”

“When I get back… I’ll apologise when I get back,” Lu Han’s words were choppy and hesitant. “No

matter what, don’t get in the car!”

Kris fell silent, wanting to hang up the phone, when Lu Han’s harried voice came from the other end.

“At least tell me where you guys are, and don’t leave until I get there!”

Kris looked at the car that was nearing them outside. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary. Yixing’s

65

already here.”

Saying that, he hung up the phone.

The rain poured down outside. Lu Han looked at the dark screen of the phone as the entire world

seemed to go dark in a flash.

“Should I keep driving?” The driver glanced strangely at the client who had no destination. “Did you

bring enough money?” he asked.

Taking out a large bill and throwing it in front of him, Lu Han’s eyes were red. “Keep driving.” He

wiped at his face with his hand.

He tried calling Chanyeol again, but there was no answer.

He called his own number, and after a long time, Yixing picked up.

“Yixing, get out of the car!” Lu Han pleaded.

“Why’d you tell Sehun to lock me in the room?” Yixing asked. “Did you know that something would

happen to them?”

Lu Han clutched at the car window. “Get off, Yixing!” He was sobbing.

From his end, Yixing was silent for a moment. “We’ll talk about this when I get back,” he said, and

hung up.

-

After god knows how long, the sound of the ambulance’s sirens pierced Lu Han’s ears. Lu Han

stared lifelessly out the window. “Follow the ambulance,” he said hoarsely.

The car had flipped over several times before coming to a rest on its side next to a tree. The back of

the car was relatively undamaged, but the right side of the front was badly twisted. The harried

police had temporarily sealed off the road, and all cars and pedestrians had to take a detour,

including Lu Han himself.

The medical personnel ran back and forth busily. Kris lay on the stretcher, his expression unclear.

Chanyeol, who wasn’t hurt badly, staggered forward with wide eyes as he stared at the stretcher

draped with a white cloth pass before him.

Finally unable to support his limp body any longer, Lu Han sat heavily onto the ground as rain

soaked his entire body. He raised his head, and it was as if a ribbon of white light was flashing in

front of his eyes.

If he could do it again, if he could just do it again…

66

-

Opening his eyes, the sunlight was piercing. Lu Han shielded his eyes from the sun as he held onto

the stone wall, shifting his head from Kris’s shoulder.

“How was it?” Kris asked eagerly.

Using his hand to support his forehead, Lu Han fell silent.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

It was as if he’d had a tangled dream with no continuity or logic; he’d been in the best time and at

the best place, yet he hadn’t been able to change a thing – where had he gone wrong?

The traffic jam, taking the wrong phone, the fever, Tao not being home… The scattered pieces

exploded in his mind. Lu Han craned his neck upwards and closed his eyes, his fingers curling into a

fist.

Why had he left the table? He should’ve stayed there until the end and ‘accidentally’ left his phone

behind in the restaurant.

Why hadn’t he gotten off the car earlier? He’d been too optimistic in hoping that the traffic jam had

already finished, and he’d missed his best opportunity.

Why had he thrown that glass of wine? In that moment, he’d forgotten that someone else would

have to pick up his bill.

Why had he shown up in that goddamned restaurant? Why was he not the decision maker but only

a piece on the chessboard?

Lu Han continued to punch the stone wall.

“It’s fine.” Kris hugged him from behind. “It’s fine. Next time, we’ll plan it better… Next time.”

“Next time?” Lu Han laughed. “15 years! It’s not just me.”

Grabbing his bloodied hand, Kris whispered into his ear, consoling him. “It’s okay, we’ll just account

for it together. A joint account. There’s no ‘yours’ or ‘mine’.”

Tears poured down silently, and Lu Han gritted his teeth through the pain as he tried to smash his

hand against the stone wall – maybe if it hurt, it would let him live a little easier.

Two people who couldn’t be more independent – how was it possible to not split into ‘yours’ and

‘mine’?

Each account only has a tiny overdraft limit – how could they account for it together?

67

“We’ll return it with interest.” Kris continued to hold him, speaking softly by his ear.

Lu Han bowed his head. “What if we can’t return it?”

“Then we’ll just leave it.” Kris said. “I’ll find you later.”

“Later?” Lu Han stared into the distance.

“Right,” Kris said, his voice quiet. “Later.”

-

The imposing cliff wall loomed over the two youths, the one in front embraced by the one behind.

Clown looked away from the telescope. Lu Han was still wearing that jacket that wasn’t his own.

“You’re carrying more and more things with you. Hurry up and discard them.” In the soundless

silence, Clown leaned against the white wall.

Two numbers floated on the screen next to him, written in a strange font: 40, 47.

68

Chapter 7

Late night, Kyungsoo’s room.

“Lu Han hyung definitely knows something,” Baekhyun said, leaning against the sofa. “That day, he

kept calling me for Chanyeol’s number, and he was acting really strange.”

Sehun stared at the white wall. Lu Han dashing into the rain, shoving him aside with all his strength

– as if a perfect record had been scratched up, and the gramophone played the noise.

Everyone stared at Chanyeol, and Chanyeol stared silently out the window. “He did call me later,” he

said.

“And then?” Jongin said.

“I was in pretty bad shape at the time, so Kris had my phone.” Chanyeol bowed his head as he spoke.

“Kris…maybe, he’s blaming him for everything that happened to us that day.”

“From some perspectives,” Baekhyun said, “the reason you got forced to drink so much was because

he left in the middle.”

“He just left suddenly like that?” Kyungsoo frowned. “That doesn’t seem like him.”

“He just left like that, and then he threw Chanyeol’s glass of wine at the manager’s face…” Baekhyun

chuckled. “Pretty bold, but if it was me, I definitely wouldn’t have dared to do that.”

“Those bastards threw wine on you?” Jongin turned to stare at Baekhyun. “What else did they do?”

“They didn’t do anything.” Baekhyun reached over and casually pushed down his hand. “It wasn’t us,

it was just Lu Han hyung who got wine splashed on him. That day…Kris was sitting next to me, and

he kept glancing at Lu Han hyung for the entire evening.”

Sehun glanced beside him unconsciously.

“After Lu Han hyung left he seemed really uncomfortable and kept looking at his phone, but he

didn’t call, and then Chanyeol kept getting poured drinks and we tried to step in for him but it didn’t

work, and then afterwards, his expression was really dark, and he kept looking out the window.”

Baekhyun thought back to that night.

“Do you guys still remember that time in March when we were filming for that program? The lie

detector?” Joonmyun suddenly spoke up, breaking his own silence.

Everyone turned to look at him, but no one said anything.

“Kris said Lay, but the lie detector said he was lying. That time.” Joonmyun shifted slightly in his

seat.

69

“I remember. When the green light went on, Lu Han was standing across from me.” The corners of

Kyungsoo’s lips twitched. “His face was really interesting.”

“And after that, it seemed like he was avoiding Kris,” Joonmyun said. “Especially when after Kris

said he didn’t remember anything for some reason.”

“If he didn’t do that, he wouldn’t know how to face everyone else, probably,” Baekhyun said,

fiddling with the pen in his hand.

“Everyone else?” Kyungsoo looked at him. “Like?”

“Like…” Baekhyun took apart the pen, as the entire room fell silent for a few seconds.

“Thinking about the obvious things like this is pretty boring.” Sehun stood in the corner, his face

expressionless.

Baekhyun looked up, smiling as he glanced at Sehun. Jongin cocked his head to one side as he shook

his head. “If it’s these people, it’s interesting.”

“Before the car accident, what exactly happened to you and Kris that day?” After a pause, Joonmyun

turned to look at Chanyeol, resting his hand on his shoulder. “If you can tell the police, why can’t

you tell us?”

Chanyeol glanced at Joonmyun but didn’t say a word.

“No matter what happened, you’re still Chanyeol.” Jongin crouched in front of him, looking him in

the eye. “Even if the entire world looks down on you, we’d still stand by you.”

A smile slipped through on Chanyeol’s face as he stared at the ground.

The scenes from that day fell in front of his eyes like razor blades; that damned ground, the sound

of the clock striking 11, the blasé voice from above saying “should be enough” and the clothes that

was tossed back to them.

Don’t think about it anymore. Chanyeol shut his eyes.

He wished so much that that day, the glass of wine had been thrown onto his face instead – he

wouldn't have left, and maybe no one would’ve been a scapegoat, forced to drink so much, and

maybe they wouldn’t have ended up at that wooden hut, and Yixing hyung wouldn’t have had the

accident…

If…… everything could be imagined to be perfect, just like the fantastically beautiful scene on the

stage. Without having to pay a price for a handsome countenance, without having to plaster fake

smiles for that one in a millionth moment of stage time – dance a dance, smile a smile, and obtain

the fame and riches an ordinary person would have to slave for ten years to have? Really, that’s

being spoiled by God.

70

Santa Claus carries his wondrous sack to arrive only once a year for Christmas, yet it’s a fairytale

that children eagerly wait for all year. The crisp moonlight that holds our dreams borrows its

strength from the sun’s light, yet the brilliance of humankind drove them to investigate up close.

It turns out that there is no Chang’e on the moon, only desolation. The best place to view it from will

forever be from afar.

Chanyeol smiled. A tiny planet that circles around the Earth, yet Earth is busy circling nonstop

around the sun—a perfect reflection of the true structure of the world.

As to the other stars outside of the solar system, that distant dream – he also really liked listening to

such a pretty story, as long as it was from the point of view of an observer.

-

Tao pushed open the door to the second floor, as the two people sitting there under the light turned

to look at him. He looked at the paper on the table, covered with scribbles. “What are you two even

doing?” he said, picking up the paper. On it was a mess of lines and numbers.

Kris shoved all the papers on the desk into a drawer expressionlessly as Lu Han grabbed the sheet

out of Tao’s hands and crumpled it into a ball before tossing it into the garbage. As for Tao’s

questioning face, not a word of explanation came in response.

“Next time, remember to knock before you come in,” Kris said.

“I didn’t interrupt you two, did I?” Tao squinted at them.

Kris didn’t comment, standing up and walking towards the kitchen. Lu Han furrowed his brows as

he looked up. “What’re you saying, Taozi?”

“You never used to close your door before,” Tao said, pointing at the door and staring at Lu Han.

“You were just avoiding him every day a little while ago – what’re you up to now?”

Lu Han froze for a moment, cutting off his own words, bemusedly considering something in the

silent room.

Kris returned from the kitchen with a can of coke, pulling open the tab as he brushed past Tao.

“What do you think? Think about it yourself.”

Tao narrowed his eyes as he watched Kris brush by him. “What do you mean?”

Kris turned his back to him, as he went on the computer.

Tao stared at Kris’s back and froze for a moment, before he slowly smiled a little. “I really am stupid.

That day, the lie…” Before he finished speaking, Kris interrupted him. “You can leave now.”

In the silence, only the sound of three people’s breathing remained.

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Slowly walking forward, Tao grabbed Kris’s collar in one hand. “After such a big accident, you’re

still in the mood for that?”

Kris stared at the desk lamp. “Let go,” he said.

“Are you trying to tell me you’re a fucking bastard!?” Tao screamed at him.

“Get out,” Kris said, voice calm.

Staring at the person in front of him, Tao’s eyes burned with anger. He gritted his teeth, punching

the bookshelf next to Kris. The shelf cracked, as books fell onto the floor.

Kris bent down to pick up the books and replace them on the shelf. “If you’re mad, take it out on me,”

he said.

“Tell me I’ve got it wrong,” Tao said, breathing heavily. “If something’s going on, don’t leave me out

of it.”

Lu Han bowed his head as Kris paused, staring at Tao. When he spoke, it was with a tinge of

amusement in his voice. “I’m not used to three people in these things.”

Not expecting the fist that came flying towards his face, he stumbled back a few steps.

“Do you even fucking still remember Zhang Yixing? If I was the one who died, I bet you’d have

forgotten me even earlier!” Tao pointed at Kris’s nose.

Wiping away the blood at the corner of his mouth, Kris stood up, pointing at the door. “Out.”

“Leader? What leader!? You barely have anything left to lead!” Tao stared at him. “Remember the

Japanese team thing!?”

Kris and Lu Han both turned to look at him.

“They’re splitting us into three teams at the end of the year, and they’ve almost picked who’ll

replace him too!” Tao said. “Are you two so busy that you can’t even go talk to the K people for just a

bit!?”

Under the muted yellow light, no one said a word.

Tao suddenly laughed. “In the end, who’s even going to remember eh ever existed? His boss? Team

mates? Or impatient fans?” He pointed at Kris and then Lu Han, laughing, his eyes red. He shook his

head as he dragged a hand across his eyes. “His two best friends, never mind me.”

Lu Han faced the window. Outside, the lights were bright.

His best friends?

72

“If it was one of you two instead, me and him, we’d never forget you for our entire lives.” Tao’s voice

pierced his eardrums. “Keep doing whatever you were doing, you two. I’ll stop bothering you!” Tao

pointed straight at Kris’s face. The door shut with a bang as he left, leaving behind two lifeless

people in the room.

“Don’t take what he said too seriously, I…” Kris’s words were cut off by Lu Han. “I know.” Lu Han

looked at him. He looked up, glancing at Lu Han, before bowing his head.

“Tomorrow morning,” Lu Han said, tossing the pen back onto the table, his expression neutral.

“We’ll go again.”

Kris nodded, fishing the paper out from the garbage and smoothing it out. Under the light, he

shielded his bloodshot eyes; Lu Han saw, before shifting his gaze to the window.

“This time, if we don’t succeed, we’ll stop,” Lu Han said. “There are some things that people simply

don’t have the strength to change.”

Kris didn’t speak as he nodded. “You decide.”

Lu Han looked at him – exhausted, blood still oozing out at the corner of his mouth. He handed him

a tissue, and Kris’s hand hung mid-air as he reached for it, as if he’d grown too used to

misunderstandings and scoldings, and didn’t know what to do when faced with understanding.

“I’m a terrible leader, aren’t I?” Under the light, his voice was soft.

Shaking his head, Lu Han looked at him. “You are the most qualified leader I’ve ever seen, and the

truest friend one could ever hope for.”

The person across from him sat with his head down, as Lu Han walked over and leaned his head

against his own body. His shirt dampened against his chest and he craned his head upwards. Lu Han

knew that this was not the time for tears.

It’s OK.

Even if no one understands us, we’ll continue on as before. This is the most unreasonable thing, and

the most selfish thing – even if our heads are feverish, this disorienting heat is exactly what we need.

Yixing, I’m scared that as more and more time passes, you get farther and farther away. If we don’t

do this now, after the fever leaves, I’m afraid we won’t do it at all.

See, I’m already starting to hesitate.

I’m scared that after I lose you…I’ll lose the others too.

-

73

He lay awake until near dawn, unable to sleep, before finally drifting off for some two hours. When

Lu Han opened his eyes, Kris had already left. He’d left a note on the table: I have some things to do,

see you at the usual place.

Rolling the paper strip into a ball, he threw it into the garbage. Lu Han tossed his keys and

cellphone into his bag before he froze for two seconds. He slowly reached back into his bag, pulling

out Yixing’s white cellphone.

He’d taken the wrong one again.

This cellphone that already couldn’t be used, that the him who had afterwards left it in the room.

The first time he’d seen this familiar white colour had been at the start of the year. It was just after

New Year’s, and a couple of them were wandering around Seoul’s largest electronic stores with hats

pulled low, when Yixing had paused in front of the cell phone display and refused to move on.

Lu Han walked up to him. “The iPhone 5’s already out, why’re you still even looking at other

brands?”

“The model’s good!” Yixing pointed at a pure white Lenovo. “You just care about i this i that…”

“Yixing-hyung what’re you looking at?” Chanyeol leaned over from behind. “Ah~ It’s so pretty~” He

grabbed Kris from the crowd of people behind and pulled him forward.

“Is Yixing hyung finally willing to spend money on himself?” Jongin was leaning against Baekhyun

on the side. “Not like how you’re always buying useless things.”

“Everything I buy is useful!” Baekhyun glared at him.

“12 different coloured tea cups, you don’t smoke and you got this strange looking ashtray, you keep

buying these candles, and I’ve never seen you play that handheld violin even once.” Jongin counted

off the things on his fingers. “Oh, right, and do you really need that many desk lamps and floor

lamps in your room? Chanyeol’s big enough as is, he barely has room to walk around…”

“It’s fine, let’s go.” Yixing slowly moved away from the display case.

Kris looked at him. “Really? If you like it just get it.”

“My phone’s not broken yet,” Yixing retorted. His eyes skimmed across the display case. “We’ll see

when it breaks.”

Standing to the side, Tao shook his head as he coolly adjusted his hat, staring off into the distance.

“Your entire room’s filled with ratty old things, you’re the same as he is,” he said, pointing at Kris.

“You’re a ratty old thing,” Kris said. He knocked Tao on the head, as he glanced at that phone.

Looking at the pretty phone, Lu Han smiled.

74

It’s too bad, why didn’t you give it straight to him?

Picking up the jacket on the sofa that wasn’t his, a crinkled slip of paper fell out of the pocket.

Lu Han picked up the paper and glanced at it. He paused for a moment before silently stuffing it

back in, before pushing it and the jacket into the corner of the closet.

-

Driving up to the foot of the mountain, a light rain started to drizzle down. Lu Han pulled up the

hood of his own coat, prepared to go up the mountain, when he saw a familiar shadow near a tattoo

parlour just around the corner.

That person had just come out of the store. He looked up at the sky, holding his hand out for a

moment, before deciding to go straight to the mountain. He put on his hat and walked towards the

corner Lu Han was standing at.

Dodging aside, Lu Han hid as he walked past.

Crossing the pot-holed road, Lu Han slowly made his way to the tattoo parlour. Seeing Lu Han

hesitate in front of the entrance, the owner said, “it’s fine, I don’t mind if you come in to wait out the

rain.”

Lu Han nodded, embarrassed, walking in hesitantly.

Staring at the different patterns and designs on the walls, Lu Han eyed the tools that the owner was

in the middle of cleaning and tidying up. “What sort of tattoos do you do here?” he asked.

“As long as you give me the design.” The young and somewhat cool looking owner spoke without

looking up.

“Then…where do people usually get tattoos?” Lu Han asked.

“Anywhere. Different spots cost different amounts.” The boss looked up and glanced at him. “If it’s

the first time, I’d suggest your limbs. If you regret it later, it’s easier to take it off.”

“Just now, that person, the tall one…” Lu Han used his hands to indicate what he meant, before

stammering on. “He, what’d he tattoo…?”

The owner straightened, glancing out the window before turning back to size up Lu Han with his

eyes.

“I…I’m his classmate. Our school’s, that’s…” Lu Han ran out of words to keep making things up.

The owner bent down, continuing his own work as he smiled. “Boyfriend?”

75

Lu Han’s messy Korean was interrupted.

“This isn’t the first time he’s gotten a tattoo, although it’s the first time he’s done it here. He’s not

afraid of it hurting. Got it on his waist.” The owner crooked his head as he thought back. When the

most handsome customer he’d ever seen since he’d opened the shop had taken off his shirt and

pointed and said “here”, even if he was a perfectly normal guy, his heart had skipped a beat or two.

“What’d he tattoo?” Lu Han’s voice was hoarse as he asked.

The owner glanced at him. “A letter. L,” he said.

Lu Han bowed his head ever so slightly, feeling that his hands were shaking. “Lay,” he said quietly.

“What’d you say?” The owner looked at him.

“Nothing.” Lu Han looked up and smiled. “Sorry for bothering you, I should go.”

The owner looked outside. The rain hadn’t lightened up at all. “Do you want an umbrella? Come

back and return it another day.” Lu Han shook his head and said thank you, before pulling his hood

on and running out into the rain.

Watching the fast disappearing silhouette shrink in the rain, the boss couldn’t help as he looked

back and smiled.

“Made for each other,” he said to himself.

-

In the light rain, Kris didn’t have to wait long before Lu Han arrived.

“I thought you’d sleep until I’d turned into a drowned rat.” Kris looked at him and smiled.

“I’ve never been that fond of sleeping.” Lu Han’s bangs covered his forehead.

Tugging his hat down over his face, Kris looped an arm around his shoulder. The air was damp as

they leaned silently against the stone wall, as if it didn’t make a difference whether they spoke or

not.

Bending down and taking the nails and hammers out of the bag, Lu Han handed one over to Kris.

“Time to work,” he said.

Looking at Lu Han, Kris took the hammer and nail. “What a hard-working boss.”

“The boss depends on the employees to live,” Lu Han said.

“Then the boss has a lot of pressure on him.” Kris supported his hands on his knees as he looked at

Lu Han. “Smile, and we’ll cancel the debt.”

76

Lu Han quirked a brow. “How about if I cry instead?”

Kris chuckled. “You’ve already given your tears to someone else, how could you have anything left

for me?”

“Same, same.” Lu Han shook out his limbs, looking up at the water dripping down from the rock and

the moist dirt.

Falling silent for a few seconds, Kris nodded. The two of them met each other’s eyes wordlessly,

before hammering in the nails.

Leaning against Kris’s shoulder, Lu Han pulled him over, the first to fall into a deep sleep, as he

slowly sat onto the ground. A slight chill hung in the air as he messily draped his own scarf around

Kris’s neck.

77

Chapter 8

Trainees wandered past Kris in groups of twos and threes, every now and then waving to him in

greeting. “Kris hyung~”, “Is Kris hyung going to eat now~?”

The sky was already nearing dusk and the familiar old building was right by his side. When

Joonmyun walked up to Kris, he patted Kris on the shoulder. “Don’t forget about the dinner banquet

tonight.”

Turning back, Kris looked at that road he’d time-skipped to; both familiar and unfamiliar youthful

silhouettes. 2012, March 22. Exactly one year ago. This was their graduation ceremony, only

without the graduation caps.

Walking into that building he’d entered thousands of times, Kris closed his eyes as he walked down

that long hallway. They’d debuted on March 31 in Seoul, March 30 was the day before they’d

debuted… He quietly tapped the doors as he walked past. When he tapped the last door, the eighth

door, the door softly opened; inside the vast practice room, there were two people residing quietly

inside.

One was seated, leaning against the floor-length window as he stared outside, while the other was

lying down, his head pillowed against the other’s extended legs. Their hands nearest the window

were intertwined, ten fingers interlaced.

The dusky orange glow from the setting sun illuminated Lu Han’s lashes as he turned ever so

slightly to look at Kris. Sehun, lying down, kept his eyes glued to the window and didn’t turn.

In the silence, it was as if, other than them, no one else existed.

Closing the door, Kris left the room quietly.

Everyone’s faces were brimming with laughter as Kris greeted the people he passed by here and

there. His heart was as calm and as still as the river at dawn – he only wished to find some place

where he could smoke a cigarette by himself.

From the distance, Yixing walked towards him. “It’s time to go eat. Where’s Lu Han?”

“Maybe he left already.” Kris grabbed Yixing’s hand and pulled him in the opposite direction. Yixing

turned his head to glance questioningly at the hallway, before quietly allowing himself to be pulled

outside by Kris.

How many doors there were that should never have been opened.

-

Inside the practice room, Sehun stared quietly out the window.

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“Out of everyone I know, you’re the one who likes to run away the most, hyung.” Sehun’s lashes

fluttered softly.

Lu Han was silent, dropping his hand and tightly interlacing his fingers with Sehun’s.

“As soon as someone gets close to you, you run away,” Sehun said calmly.

Lu Han smiled. “What about now?”

“Right now is when you’re the calmest,” Sehun said. “Because soon, you’re going to run away.”

Lu Han stared wordlessly out the window.

“I can still care about you like I did before, right?” Sehun smiled. “Like a little brother.”

“Of course,” Lu Han said. “I’ll always be your hyung.”

“Then it’s okay.” The corners of Sehun’s lips twitched.

Turning around, Lu Han looked through the large floor length window as two familiar silhouettes

walked past below, closely pressed against each other.

Yixing was staring distractedly at the string of Buddhist prayer beads around his wrist, thinking

about god knows what. Kris tugged at his arm. “You’re still wearing those old beads?”

Yixing dropped his hand, ignoring Kris, and arched a brow.

“They really are fake. I got them for 20 dollars when I was back in China.” Kris stood behind Yixing

and shook his head, looking at the birthday present he’d randomly picked.

“That’s fine, at least it’s better than what Lu Han gave me for my birthday.” Yixing turned around

and walked backwards, his hands in his pockets.

“What’d he give you?” Kris asked, laughing.

“A bag of pistachios,” Yixing said. “We finished it in a moment.”

Kris laughed. “Your life really is tragic,” he said.

“My life has been bought out by you guys like this.” Yixing looked up at Kris, hands swinging gently

in the dusky glow of the setting sun. “But it doesn’t matter. It looks like god’s making it up to me by

letting us all debut.” Yixing smiled at Kris, their long shadows extending far into the distance.

“Let’s celebrate. Why don’t we get you a new phone?” Kris tugged Yixing by the arm as he spoke.

“Early birthday present.”

“There’s no point…my old one isn’t broken yet.” Yixing was pulled ahead by Kris. “Besides, there’s

79

still half a year until my birthday.”

“But I only have a few hours.” Kris laughed. “I mean, before I regret it.”

“No, don’t…phones are expensive here, next time, in China, I’ll buy it…” Yixing began to ramble.

“And there’s the dinner banquet in a little bit, we probably don’t have time…”

“Then stop making such a fuss.” Kris grabbed Yixing and pulled him forward. Yixing dug in his heels

and leaned back, turning around to glance at Baekhyun and Jongin who’d already walked far ahead.

Glancing at Yixing who was clearly uneasy, Kris waved at them. “Jongin!”

Jongin didn’t turn around immediately – he was staring at Baekhyun, waiting for the other person

to say something.

“We’ll talk about this later.” Baekhyun looked down and let go of Jongin’s hand, turning to respond

to the two people behind them.

“We might be a little late,” Kris yelled.

“Okay, got it,” Baekhyun said. Across from him, Jongin hadn’t turned around at all, staring at

Baekhyun the entire time.

Kris looked at them for two seconds. “Let’s go.” He dragged Yixing with him.

-

They stopped in front of the Lenovo display again, Kris following Yixing from behind, shaking his

head helplessly.

“That one?” Kris pointed at the classic model in the display case. Looking at Yixing’s dumb

expression, Kris spoke to the saleslady. “This model, black.”

“Ah, hey, wait, I’m just looking…” Yixing looked up as the saleslady was already coming back to

them with the black Lenovo.

“This one’s good,” Kris said, as Yixing’s eyes followed the phone.

“It’s pretty expensive…I’ll pay you back…”

“Do you want me to hit you?” Kris said. “I already said it’s your birthday present.”

“That’s…” Yixing scratched his head. “Can I have the white one?” He pointed at the one next to the

black model.

Kris looked at the white phone and said, “the black one’s better. My gift, my choice.”

80

After a moment, the saleslady put everything together and waved them over. “If you’d like, you

could put in a card and try it now,” she said.

“Thank you, it’s fine,” Kris said.

“With our phones, we can set your screenlock code for you. Would you like to set your passcode

right now?” the saleslady asked.

Kris looked at Yixing, gesturing for him to go ahead as he turned around.

“Um…” Behind him, Yixing hesitated for a moment before handing the phone back to the saleslady.

“I set it.”

“Okay, please enter the passcode you just chose.” The saleslady pointed at one of the fields on the

computer.

Yixing did as she said.

“The warranty lasts for two years, your password and all other related information is in this

envelope, payment is at the counter in front and to your left. I hope you’ll enjoy!”

“Thank you.” Yixing bowed slightly as Kris walked towards the cashier.

“May I please have a few extra screen protectors?” Yixing asked quietly.

The saleslady looked at him and smiled. “Of course. Most people get frustrated and rip off the

screen protectors soon after. Looks like you really like it.”

Yixing scratched behind his ear and smiled, embarrassed.

“Is he your older brother?” The saleslady looked at Yixing and smiled, randomly asking. “A big

brother like that really is great. My brother only gives me birthday presents if I bother him about it.”

“No…” Yixing mused over it for a moment before he answered. “We’re…classmates.”

The saleslady froze for a second, before a smile spread across her face. “Classmates is…even better.”

She looked at Kris who’d finished paying and was walking back. “Let’s go,” Kris said to Yixing,

picking up the bag.

“I put it inside for you.” The saleslady blinked at Yixing and pointed towards the bag as Kris stood to

the side, confused.

“Okay, thank you!” Yixing waved as he followed Kris outside.

“What were you just talking about?” Kris turned to look at him.

“Nothing much,” Yixing said, looking down.

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“You like her, hm?” Kris blinked at him.

Yixing rolled his eyes at Kris.

“You better hurry then,” Kris teased him. “Next month, it’ll be too late.”

Yixing couldn’t stand it, shaking his head. “I was wrong. And here I thought that you’d done a three-

sixty today and even discovered your conscience.”

“Just because of this phone?” Kris held up the bag.

“Of course,” Yixing said, looking at him. “Before, all you’d give up for me was 20 dollars – I’m not

used to such a huge change.”

Kris looked at him. He lowered his head, silent for a long time.

“What’s wrong?” Yixing walked ahead of Kris and turned around, looking at his expression.

“Nothing much.” Kris looked up and smiled. “There are probably things you’re even less used to,” he

said.

What I can give up for you isn’t only 20 dollars.

And what he can give up for you isn’t only a bag of pistachios.

-

Running to the company, Lu Han’s hair was a mess as he eyed the date on his phone: 2012, March

30. He turned around, glancing at the unending stream of cars, before dashing across the

intersection on a red light.

Shoving open the door to the multi-purpose room, Kris and Chanyeol were sitting inside, reciting

lines from a sheet of paper.

“Where’s Yixing!?” Lu Han gasped for breath.

“In the practice room, rehearsing his dance with Jongin.” Chanyeol pointed to his right. Lu Han

stumbled as he barreled through the door.

I won’t waste these 15 years again.

You’ve worked so hard all these years just for a perfect performance tomorrow. Lu Han pushed

open the door to the practice room, charging straight at Yixing, grabbing him by the collar and

punching him in the face.

Don’t look at me like that, I haven’t gone crazy, I’ve never been more clear-headed in my life before

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than right now. Another punch towards Yixing’s eyes, followed by a kick to the knees. Hate me,

don’t forgive me.

“Lu Han-hyung, have you gone crazy!?” Looks like Jongin also thinks I’m crazy. Lu Han shoved

Jongin aside, throwing another punch at Yixing’s face. Yixing bowed his head as blood trickled from

his nose.

Don’t just look at me like that, fight back, hit me, so we’ll both get dragged off that stage!

The cellphone sounded – you still have the mind to get your phone? Lu Han grabbed the phone from

Yixing and threw it out the window. The phone landed with a splash in the pond outside. “Go buy

your own phone! Go set your own password!” Lu Han grabbed Yixing by the collar and punched him

again.

“Lu Han-hyung! Stop fighting! What about tomorrow!?” Chanyeol ran in with large steps, Jongin

following closely behind. Behind them, Kris came in and shoved Lu Han’s chest, but Lu Han

struggled to free himself from the grasps of the others.

“Let go of me!” Lu Han screamed.

In the chaos, Kris raised a hand and slapped Lu Han across the face. Everyone froze in shock,

including Lu Han.

“Awake now?” Kris looked at him.

Lu Han bowed his head, bending over as he caught his breath. The burning prickling on his face

seemed to be a familiar sensation.

“What’s going on!?” The manager and a couple staff members came running in, tailing behind Sehun

and Joonmyun. He frantically pulled Yixing over, checking his face, before handing him over to

Joonmyun, Yixing’s head craned upwards. “Take him to the medical office right away.”

Kyungsoo and Joonmyun supported Yixing out of the room. Just before he left, Yixing left a sentence

of Korean behind him. “Just now, it was a misunderstanding…” So saying, he was pulled away by

Kyungsoo.

Everyone still in the practice room looked at each other.

“Why!?” The manager stood in front of Lu Han. “Don’t you realise how important tomorrow is!?”

Lu Han bent over and began to laugh, as if he’d just heard an extremely funny joke.

“Two hours detention!” the manager said to the staff members. “We’ll talk about your punishment

tonight!” he yelled at Lu Han, before hurrying out of the practice room. Jongin peeled away from the

group of people and ran towards the medical office. Chanyeol turned to glance at them before

following Jongin and running out as well.

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“I’ll go by myself,” Lu Han smiled, turning towards the staff members. The others nodded and left.

“It’s fine. Your expression really sucks.” Lu Han couldn’t stop laughing as he walked away from

Sehun and clasped a hand on Kris’s shoulder, speaking in Chinese. “Tell that kid ‘you’re welcome’

from me.”

“You’re welcome?” Kris squinted at him.

“Right. You’re welcome.” Lu Han chuckled, leaning against his knees. “We’re all brothers, this is

something I should do.”

Slowly raising his head to look at Lu Han, Kris’s hand balled slowly into a fist.

“It’s better if you take out your anger on me.” Lu Han raised his head to look at him, his face a

perfect visage of indifference. “Anger’s bad for your liver, my friend.”

“So you do know we’re friends?” Kris looked at him.

“You really want to beat me up, don’t you?” Lu Han leaned towards Kris’s ear, his long lashes

brushing past Kris’s face. “Then beat me up. Don’t think I don’t know that you like him.”

Kris turned to look at Lu Han, face going slightly pale.

Lu Han raised his moist eyes to look at Kris, leaning in to whisper something next to his ear before

looking at Kris’s ashen face. “You like? There are even dirtier things.” Lu Han laughed as he spoke.

Kris didn’t look at him, only pinched Lu Han’s lower jaw between his two fingers. Sehun looked at

Kris’s vacant, unfocused expression, and wondered if there was a thread of sadness woven in.

“I got it right, didn’t I, duizhang?” Lu Han laughed, egging Kris on with his expression. “Don’t hold

back.” Kris’s fingers tightened as he turned, giving him a wounded look.

“Come on.” Lu Han laughed as he nodded at Kris.

Sehun walked up, placing a hand on Kris’s arm. “Don’t you want to debut, Kris-hyung?”

“This has nothing to do with you. Go.” Lu Han’s expression was neutral as he spoke.

“Go check on Yixing-hyung first,” Sehun said to Kris.

Kris shut his eyes for a moment before he let go and walked out the door. Lu han lowered his head.

“What’re you doing, Sehun?” Lu Han said softly.

“I’m not doing anything.” Sehun looked to the side.

“I told you not to get involved in my business before,” Lu Han said, closing his eyes.

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“You think I want to get involved?” Sehun’s bangs swept across the corners of his eyes.

“No matter what, you’re shielding me.” Lu Han stared dully at the door. “Why don’t you look at what

I’ve just done?”

After a moment, Sehun said, “don’t you know?” He turned around. “When it comes to me, anything

to do with you is no holds barred.”

-

Inside the detention room, Sehun’s faintly-aching eyes had grown used to the dark. Sehun rested his

head against the wall next to Lu Han. “I want to always be shut in a room together with you, like

before.”

Inside the office, in the heavy atmosphere, Yixing lowered his head as he spoke, ignoring the

swelling in his eye. “I hit him first, it’s just a small misunderstanding.”

Lu Han looked at Sehun, lifting his eyes to look at that faint line of light. “Idiot. You have a lot ahead

of you. If you’re shut in a room, you won’t experience anything.”

Looking up, Yixing stared straight at the people in front of him. “My legs are fine, I can dance. I can

cover up my eyes with make-up. I’m willing to walk whatever path you tell me to.”

Outside, pigeons flew past the windows and the world continued to spin on its axis, unhurried. This

is actually a very simple story – one of a cruel game between the base of the tower and the memory

of the tower’s very top.

-

“How was it?” Kris stared at Lu Han who’d just woken up.

Lu Han blanked out for two seconds, before grabbing his bag and heading down the mountain. “I

don’t know. Beat him up.”

Kris followed Lu Han down closely. “I bought him a new phone, a black Lenovo.”

Lu Han stopped, turning to look at Kris. “That black phone was…a Lenovo?”

“Why? You saw it?” Kris looked at him.

Lu Han turned around and continued to walk ahead. “I smashed it it.”

-

An hour later.

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“Kris-hyung, what the hell are you doing?” Standing in the hall on the second floor, Baekhyun

dodged the desk lamp that came flying out of Jongdae’s room. Jongin pulled Baekhyun behind him

as he stared at Kris trashing the room and Lu Han sitting in front of the computer. “When did they

get back?” he turned to ask Tao.

“Ten minutes ago.” Tao’s hands were in his pockets, as he stared calmly at Kris, who appeared to

have gone crazy.

“What’d he say to you?” Joonmyun asked Tao.

“He asked, where’s Yixing?” Tao stared blankly at the people in the room.

Everyone fell silent.

Tao walked into the room, blocking the flying objects with his arms, before wrapping Kris in an

embrace. “It’s already been weeks! Can’t you just accept it?”

At the table, Lu Han was on the Internet, looking at now old news: SME’s 2012 New Boyband EXO

Seoul Showcase, date: 2012, March 31.

In the picture, there was someone who he didn’t recognise. Or rather, there was someone who he

had to look closely to recognise as someone he knew.

Hair that had been straightened covered half of his face, and both eyes were lined heavily in smoky

makeup. A half-transparent mesh shirt extended upwards to a pointless collar, and pale white skin

stood out even more against nails that had been painted black.

The him in the picture had his head slightly lowered, his tiny dimple tucked away in the shadows,

his lips increasingly red.

He and Jongin had danced amidst screams, and the stark visual contrast had smashed through the

audience’s and Lu Han’s eyes. KAILAY had replaced SEHAN as the most popular couple, and in all

group pictures thereafter, he always walked down this road; metal and punk rock became his style

in all the albums, and the occasional stupid grin that slipped through would always be hidden away

at the first opportunity.

People changed overnight – Zhang Yixing was still Zhang Yixing, but Lay had already become a

different Lay.

Kris caught his breath, the thing in his hand falling to the floor.

“That day we debuted, were his legs alright enough to dance?” Lu Han turned to look at Jongin.

“Even if they weren’t, he still had to,” Jongin said. “The order of the teasers had already been

decided, and they couldn’t push back debut just for him. After he was done, thanks to you, he had to

be carried onto the car.” He looked at Lu Han. “What, did you lose your memory again?”

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He fell silent for a moment before Lu Han rubbed his nose. “I’ve kind of forgotten…what was my

punishment at the time?”

Everyone turned to look at him without speaking.

“You really don’t remember?” Baekhyun glanced at him. “Yixing-hyung said he hit you first.”

“But I know that’s not true.” Jongin stared at Lu Han. “It was you who hit him first.”

“Why didn’t you say anything at the time?” Lu Han stared at the ground.

“You pretended to lose your memory so convincingly…” Jongin rolled his eyes. “Besides, it was

between the two of you. If you two had already worked it out, why would I get involved?”

“You guys can go back.” Kris’s head was bowed as he surveyed the chaos in the room before he

looked up at Jongdae. “Sorry. I’ll clean up in a bit.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine. I’ll clean up,” Jongdae said quickly.

Tao looked at Kris. “You’re sure you’re fine?”

Kris patted Tao. “Go back,” he said, and walked back to his own room. “Lu Han, come here. I have

something to ask you.”

Silently opening Yixing’s drawer, Lu Han froze for a few seconds. “In a moment,” he said.

A crack ran down the screen, but the otherwise perfectly intact black phone lay quietly in the

drawer.

In the room, Lu Han sat on the bed, lost in thought. Kris looked at him. “You said that this time, if it

didn’t work, we’d stop. Does that still count?”

“Come downstairs!” Joonmyun’s voice carried up the stairs. “The car’s waiting.”

The car was parked to the side, the manager staring at Kris and Lu Han’s damp hair. “You went out

this morning?” Next to them, the K members also came downstairs one by one.

An unfamiliar car rolled slowly up to them, blocking the way out. Upon closer inspection, the license

plate had some small differences.

Two men and a woman got out of the car, all wearing police uniform. The 35-or-so man in front

walked up to the manager and politely showed his ID. “Good day. I’m the one in charge of case 322,

you may call me Jin.”

“Hello.” The manager eyed the newcomers up and down.

“As you know, case 322 not only involves foreign relations, but also carries a lot of weight in public

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opinion, so there are some things that we must investigate more closely.” He looked at the group of

young people behind him. “We hope that we can question a few of the members of your group.”

The manager stared at him. “Weren’t the two people who were involved already questioned at the

hospital?”

Jin furrowed his brows as he carefully considered his words. “Through the investigation we’ve

undertaken during this time, the case has turned up some doubtful points. Currently, it is being

treated as premeditated murder.”

“What did you say?” The manager frowned.

“We hope that you will assist us with our work. I trust that getting to the bottom of this case is

everyone’s wish.” So speaking, he turned to the group of young people at the back, and took out a

sheet of paper.

“Wu Yifan, Lu Han, Byun Baekhyun, Park Chanyeol, and Kim Jongin,” he said, looking up. “I’d like to

ask you to accompany me to the station.”

Joonmyun frowned, turning to speak quietly to Kyungsoo. “Jongin? He wasn’t at the dinner that day.”

“Please.” Jin stepped aside, letting the five of them through.

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Chapter 9

The police station was a bustle of activity; phones and fax machines rang and buzzed away busily,

tables buried in piles of paper as people hurried back and forth along the hallways. A young

policeman walked quickly towards them, patting Jin on the shoulder. “Those three record rooms

are freed up for you. Case 322’s investigative meeting will be in 10 minutes in the small meeting

room on the second floor.”

“Thanks.” Jin smiled, before turning to speak to the female officer behind him. “Take these two to

the break room, get them some water. We’ll go up together in a moment.” He pointed at Kris and Lu

Han, before turning to pat the other three. “You three come with me.”

Passing through a hallway, they ended up in another building, and the number of people clearly

decreased. The three rooms at the end of the hall were all open. “You’re in here,” Jin said to

Chanyeol who was looking all around him. The person inside was in the middle of flipping through

the records, and he looked up and smiled. “Hello.” He welcomed Chanyeol into the room, and closed

the door.

Jin turned to the two people behind him. “Before we begin questioning for the records, please leave

your fingerprints.” He pointed to the fingerprint recording machines by the entrance of each door.

“Both hands, thumb first, and then the other four fingers.”

Jongin frowned. “Why didn’t Chanyeol have to?”

Jin muttered to himself for a moment. “He…doesn’t need to at the moment.”

Looking down, Baekhyun glanced at Jongin. The two of them left their fingerprints in the machine,

standing back to back, as each door closed behind them.

-

Lu Han sat in the break room, unable to shake the feeling that the stranger staring at them was kind

of strange, but when he turned to look, the man redirected his gaze elsewhere.

“Why does that person keep looking at us?” Lu Han asked Kris in Chinese. Just over 30, not bad

looking, and a strange glove on his right hand, Lu Han surmised quietly.

“Is he?” Kris also turned to glance at that person. “Do you know him?”

Lu Han shook his head. “But he seems to know us.”

Kris glanced at that person. “Isn’t that normal?”

Lu Han didn’t answer. He watched as that person fished a jade pendant out of his pocket, the string

of the pendant broken, as he stared at it intently for a moment before putting it back.

The door opened and a lady walked in to speak to Kris and Lu Han. “It’s time, we’ll go upstairs now,”

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she said, before turning to the person beside them. “Just wait a little longer, he’s almost finished.”

“Look, he hasn’t recovered from his concussion yet, such a long time…” The other person’s words

were cut off by the lady. “It’ll be quick, very quick.”

-

Walking into the meeting room, there were maybe 7 or 8 people seated around a rectangular table,

and a thick stack of materials and photos in front were in front of each person. At one end of the

long table was a projector, currently showing the desktop of a computer, while Jin stood by the

computer, flipping through the documents in the last few minutes.

“Is everyone here?” Jin looked up and then shut the door, before turning off the light above the

projector.

“These few weeks, everyone’s worked hard on Case 322, and today, we’ll be summarising and

sorting through our information. Today, we also have invited two special guests, whom all of you

should be very familiar with,” he said, pointing at Kris and Lu Han. “The people involved with Case

322, as well as the survivors, Kris, Lu Han.”

Everyone greeted Kris and Lu Han amicably, and at a loss at what they should do, they returned the

greetings.

“Korean, at this level, is it fine?” Jin asked carefully.

“…It’s fine,” Lu Han said. Kris nodded in agreement.

“Alright.” Jin nodded. “In that case, let us return to the initial materials for this case.” As he spoke, he

opened a picture; the taxi that had been hit and having come to a rest by the tree after flipping

several times was bent out of shape, and not far away, was the truck with the passenger door open.

“On March 22, 11:25 at night, we received a call from an owner of a Volkswagon. In his call, he said

that near the outskirts of the city on the southern road, there had been an accident in which a taxi

and a truck seemed to have collided, and the driver who had caused the accident had escaped.” Jin

pointed at the picture on the projector. “The phone call should have been transferred immediately

to the emergency medical services, and as everyone knows, there was one death and three

casualties, and the deceased, as well as two of the injured were Chinese artists under SM

Entertainment.”

“This truck is a transport truck under the exclusive use of the grocery chain store PINT. On March

22, around 10:45 PM, the driver of the transport truck parked the truck at a PINT chain store not

too far from where the accident occurred, and then entered the store and chatted with other

employees. At some time past 11, he went outside and found that the truck had disappeared and

contacted the police immediately. We received this report at 11:15.” As he spoke, he pointed to a

picture that’d been taken outside of the PINT grocery store, as well as the restaurant next door

called Happy Time. Jin passed the picture over to Kris and Lu Han.

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“The section of road heading south was near the outskirts, and past 11, there were few cars on the

road. We have eliminated the possibility that this was caused by a simple theft, as an employee at a

repair store nearby as well as a passerby both testified that this truck had been parked there for

quite a number of minutes.” Jin passed these few sheets around to all the seated individuals. “The

witnesses were a repairman and an elementary school teacher, neither of whom knew each other.”

Glancing at Lu Han and Kris, their heads bent over the testimony, Jin spoke calmly. “That’s right, he

was waiting there for you.”

“Let’s take a look at the other information we’ve obtained in relation to this supermarket.” Jin

opened a video. Lu Han happened to look up, and unconsciously frowned.

“Evening of March 22, 10:53, we discovered a rather familiar face in the security tapes of the

supermarket.” Jin looked at Kris and Lu Han. “Your good friend, Kim Jongin.”

“At this supermarket that was at least 10 minutes away from your dorm by car, he bought three

things: a pack of gum, a magazine, and two cans of beer.”

Kris stared at the video. “Another one of our members told us that he was at home at first that day,

and then left.”

“Correct.” Jin looked at Kris. “At 10:41, he received a text member from another one of your

members, Byun Baekhyun, after which he left and headed straight for this supermarket. The taxi

driver identified him, contacting us after the investigation.”

“The question is, these three simple things could have been purchased at a store near your dorm –

why did he have to go so far?” Jin looked at everyone. “It seems like at the time, he had another

reason for coming here, and he just happened to buy those things on the way.”

“This line of reasoning could be tested very quickly, as afterwards, he entered the alleyway between

the grocery store and the restaurant Happy Time, and discovered an unconscious person there, and

at 10:55, called the ambulance.” Jin opened a picture.

Lu Han looked up, eyes wide, his heartbeat seemingly stopping in that moment.

“Sung, also the person who Kim Jongin discovered unconscious in that alleyway, is a field agent

employed by SME. At approximately 10:15, he and a friend finished eating at Happy Time.

According to his own account, he initially walked out of the restaurant with his friend and was

called over by a stranger wearing a hat to an alleyway to borrow a light, when he was punched in

the head before he was knocked against the wall several times, after which he lost consciousness,”

Jin said.

“Do you recognise this person?” Jin looked at the two people across from him. Kris shook his head,

Lu Han continued to stare blankly ahead with wide eyes.

“The ambulance arrived at around 11 and then left, and Sung was diagnosed with cerebral

concussion. Afterwards, his friend, another field agent from your company by the name of Yun

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arrived at the hospital to pay the fees. I trust that you’ve already seen him just now in the break

room,” Jin said.

Kris tried to think back, turning to look at Lu Han, still dazing out.

“The reaction of his companion seemed to be somewhat abnormal, as if he had many questions yet

he did not ask a single one,” one of the people sitting there supplied.

“According to the emergency personnel’s recollection, after the ambulance left, Kim Jongin

remained, pacing back and forth with an umbrella under the streetlamp in that alleyway,” Jin said.

“And as to where your other team mate, Byun Baekhyun, was exactly – that’s another very

interesting question.”

“Other than the whereabouts of those two people, who was it who hit Sung, who was it who stole

the truck, whether or not these SM field agents have anything to do with the people who brought

you to that wooden hut that day,” Jin said, looking at the others, “are all questions we must answer

one by one.”

“The two black Buicks were using fake license plates, and the cars have yet to have been found,” the

person sitting next to Kris said. “We’ve been doing a wide-scale search of all bodyshops nearby, as

we believe that they’ve already been repainted.”

“Is Happy Time a familiar restaurant?” Jin suddenly asked Kris. “You seemed to have a fair amount

of interest in this picture.” He looked at Kris who’d been staring down at the picture for the entire

time, taking back the picture that’d been taken from outside of the grocery store and the restaurant.

“It is,” Kris said. “It’s opened by a sunbae from SM that used to be very popular, so we often go there

every now and then in our free time.”

“This does somewhat corroborate with what Sung said in the hospital,” Jin said. “He said that the

reason they go to that restaurant is because it’s opened by their friends.” Bowing his head, Jin

thought back to the scene in that hospital room.

“You’re sure you’re friends?” Jin said, considering his words carefully. “What I mean is…”

“Ahh, I understand what you mean.” Sung stared at the bed sheets.

“Forgive me for thinking this way, it’s just that even someone like me who doesn’t follow the

entertainment industry knows him,” Jin said. “Even though he’s old, he was recently very popular.”

Sung chuckled, staring at the wall. “You’re right, we’ve all grown old.”

-

Record Room A:

“Let me ask you where Byun Baekhyun went after the dinner party finished that night,” the officer

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asked Chanyeol.

“He went home with me,” Chanyeol said.

“You’re lying.” The officer glanced at him. “Your driver told us that he got off the car halfway there.”

Chanyeol stared wordlessly at the table.

“When did he and Kim Jongin return to the dorm?” the officer asked.

“At night,” Chanyeol said. “I can’t remember when.”

“You’re lying again.” The officer looked at him. “They were out the entire night and when they

returned at dawn the next morning, they were recognised by two fans. Their autographs and photos

they took together were also uploaded onto the web.”

“If you know everything then why are you asking me?” Chanyeol cocked his head to the side.

“Why are you lying?” The officer stared at him.

-

Record Room B:

“After the dinner party finished that night, did you or did you not send Kim Jongin a text message?”

the officer asked Baekhyun.

“I did. I said I was done, and told him to wait for me at the usual place,” Baekhyun said.

“Where’s the usual place?” the officer asked.

“The alley by the Happy Time restaurant,” Baekhyun said.

“What were you meeting there to do?” the officer asked.

“And then we’d go somewhere else together,” Baekhyun said.

“Why did you have to meet there?” The officer stared at Baekhyun. “Where did you go after?”

Baekhyun looked aside, and didn’t respond.

-

Record Room C:

“Why did Byun Baekhyun ask you to meet him in the alleyway by Happy Time?” The officer stared

at Jongin.

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“We like it there.” Jongin swung his legs.

“Where did you go afterwards? What did you do?” the officer continued to ask.

Jongin quirked the corners of his lips as he chuckled. “What’s it to you?”

-

Record Room A:

Chanyeol shook his head. “You’ve got it wrong, they have nothing to do with the case from that

night.”

“You have a duty to tell me where they went,” the officer said, staring steadily at Chanyeol. “This is

also the best way to clear them from suspicion.”

Chanyeol paused for a moment. “They went to a rented room nearby,” Chanyeol said. “You people

can check, I have the address, it’s at the dorm.”

“Why do you have the address of the room?” the officer asked.

Chanyeol helplessly closed his eyes. “Why did Lay know where Kris and Lu Han were that night?”

-

Once the questioning was complete, Jongin and Baekhyun were asked to put on identical hats and

jackets, and were lead into another room to wait along with three other people they didn’t

recognise in the same outfits they were wearing.

“That’s good.” A female staff member stuck her head through the door of an adjacent room. The

police officer next to them nodded, before mixing up their order randomly. Jongin was put in 2nd

and Baekhyun was in 4th.

“In a moment, please enter according to the order you were assigned. Each of you face your glass

door, do not speak, and when you see the red light go on, come out,” that person said, and walked

over to adjust Baekhyun and Jongin’s hats.

The five of them walked in in order, as Sung began to carefully inspect the five people in front of

him who stood there under the harsh light who he could see, but who couldn’t see him.

“Is he among them?” the female staff member asked from the side.

“I know those two.” Sung pointed at numbers 2 and 4. “How come you made them come too?”

“Is it one of them?” The staff watched him.

Sung shook his head, and began to carefully inspect the other three, but the staff beside him seemed

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to no longer care.

“None of them,” Sung said.

“Do you still remember what that person looked like?” the staff asked him.

Sung’s eyes took on an expression of mild bewilderment as he looked across the room. “I

think…around as tall as I am, roughly the same build, and as for the rest…I didn’t get a close look.”

After a moment of silence, the female staff member nodded and pressed a switch on the wall. The

red light across from them went on, and the people walked out one after another.

-

The meeting on the second floor finished, and Lu Han walked towards Jin, his face deathly pale. “I

want to see Sung,” he said. Standing next to Lu Han, Kris looked doubtfully at Lu Han – ever since a

moment ago, his face had been extremely pale.

“He should be still here, I’ll go ask.” So saying, he lead Lu Han and Kris downstairs to ask a staff

member. “He and his companion just left.” Before he’d finished speaking, Lu Han was already

running outside.

The familiar sillouhette of their back was just in front of him – Sung appeared to be helping Yun

wear something on his neck. Lu Han rushed in front of them, placing his hand on his shoulder. The

two of them both let go, the jade ornaments falling. As Sung hastily tried to pick up the jade

ornaments that had fallen on Yun’s arm, he accidentally tugged off his glove, revealing a large burn

scar on Yun’s right hand and wrist.

The jade ornaments fell to the ground.

“To what do we owe this honour?” Sung bent down to retrieve the jade and helped Yun put on his

glove, as he frowned, regarding Lu Han.

“I’m sorry.” Lu Han stared at the jade on the ground, before hesitantly looking up at Sung. “Do you

recoginse me?”

“Lu Han, you’re famous, of course I recognise you.” As he spoke, he turned to glance at Kris,

standing beside him. “If there’s nothing else, then we’ll be leaving first.” He pulled Yun with him,

about to leave.

“Wait!” Lu Han grabbed his sleeve, eagerly mouthing something at him.

Sung stared at Lu Han, perplexed. “What?”

“Lu Han? What is it?” Kris also stared at him.

“Time is complementary.” Lu Han stared Sung in the eye, as if searching for the answer he was

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seeking within them. “And,” Lu Han remembered, “the time we experience isn’t absolute…doors…”

Lu Han stared into his eyes, but all that greeted him was a vacant sea.

Kris silently regarded Lu Han, head bowed as he considered something. Beside him, Yun was

looking at Lu Han when it seemed like he suddenly wanted to talk to him – the questions brimming

in his eyes exceeded those which mirrored his own.

“What exactly are you trying to say?” Sung asked.

“I…” Lu Han stepped back, disappointed, at a loss for words.

After a moment, he stared at the ground, defeated. “It’s nothing…sorry for bothering you.”

Sung glanced at the ashen faced Lu Han and then at Kris. “Then we’ll be leaving now.” The two of

them brushed by them, an unfamiliar perfume passing by their side.

“What was that?” Watching the two people leave, Kris saw Yun turn around halfway to look at them.

Lu Han slowly crouched down, tangling his fingers in his hair, silent, his expression vacant.

“Just now, the stuff about time, didn’t you hear that from Clown?” Kris crouched down next to him,

watching him.

Lu Han was silent for a long time, before he slowly blinked.

“You’re right. He is Clown.” Lu Han stared blankly at the ground. “But his eyes weren’t lying. He

doesn’t know a thing.”

Kris stared at Lu Han in shock, before standing and gazing towards the two people’s retreating

backs. Lu Han stood up next to Kris as well, his face blank as he walked past Kris, before walking out

the main door and heading for the opposite direction.

“That wasn’t a coincidence. That was a trap.” Lu Han stared at the ground as he walked. “There was

someone waiting for us just like that truck driver to run inside.”

“Why?” Kris walked next to Lu Han, not understanding. “Who exactly is that Clown?”

“Don’t know.” Lu Han shook his head. He took a deep breath, pausing his steps. “But no matter

what…this is as far as we go.”

Kris turned, regarding Lu Han without a word. He bowed his head speechlessly.

“Then what about the 60 years we’ve already given up?” Kris asked.

Lu Han’s head was lowered and he didn’t answer.

“Isn’t it a bit too late to say we’re stopping?” Kris stared at him.

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Lu Han shook his head. “Not too late.”

“How many 30 years do you have in a lifetime?” Kris asked him.

“Even if Yixing came back, these 30 years won’t!” Lu Han said, looking up.

Kris looked at him, and turned around. “I don’t want to.”

“You’re like a gambling addict right now, do you know?” Lu Han said to his back.

“Who dragged me onto the gambling table!?” Kris yelled behind him.

Lu Han fell silent, turning around to stare at the other direction.

“I,” he said quietly. “I told you I can’t pay it back.”

Kris looked at him, and after a moment, reached out to grab Lu Han’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. That’s

not what I meant.”

Lu Han raised both his hands as if in surrender, as if saying that he didn’t need to be comforted.

“I want to do this, myself.” Kris pulled Lu Han back stubbornly. “No matter how many years I lose,

I’ll accept the consequences. You too.”

“That’s not why I was mad.” Kris rested both hands on Lu Han’s shoulders as he stared at him.

“Whether we stop or continue is up to you, but you won’t tell me what you’re thinking.”

Lu Han stared at the ground. “I’ve told you everything that has to do with this.”

Kris looked into his eyes, before the strength drained suddenly out of him, and he dropped his head.

He realised that he had no right to ask this of Lu Han, for he was also wearing a mask, and this mask

was the very source of all their sense of security.

“Stopping now is the right thing to do.” Lu Han looked at him. “You know that too.”

Kris braced himself by his knees. “Right, everything you said was right.”

“Swear at me mentally, it’s fine.” Lu Han’s eyes were no longer focused. “But right now, I’m making

this decision for the both of us.”

Kris looked up at him, smiling bitterly. “You really aren’t polite to me at all.”

Lu Han stared into the distance, his voice calm. “When have you ever been polite to me?” When you

were kissing me or when you were hitting me – but this self-mockery he did not say aloud.

Kris stared at the cars on the road, unable to say a word.

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“Then it’s settled.” Lu Han patted him on the shoulder as he began to walk across the street. “Just

listen to me.”

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Chapter 10

A few days later, Jin answered a call from a colleague with the results he’d been waiting for for

some time now. “The results of the fingerprints analysis are complete, and the identity of the driver

who caused the accident has also been determined,” the other person said. “They have nothing to

do with those two people from EXO.”

“Then who is it?” Jin frowned.

“Someone who died before the investigation even started,” was the answer from the other end of

the line.

-

It had been almost a week, and neither Lu Han nor Kris had mentioned Zhang Yixing even once.

During promotions, the topic of Lay was brought up to death by the MCs, and during variety shows,

there would always be a touching, tear-jerking segment – but never once did they manage to make

either of them shed a single tear.

He was still here, maybe he was somewhere nearby, all you people casually summing up his life and

giving speeches like that is such a joke.

“Kris, how long did you know Lay for?” the host asked, over the sorrowful background music that

had already started playing.

“Five years,” Kris said.

“Do you still remember what it was like when you first saw him?” The same old question was asked

again.

He paused for a moment. “Not well,” Kris said.

The fans reminded him loudly. “When he was going up the stairs…he said you were really

handsome…”

Within the silence and anticipation, Kris stared blankly at some non-existent place far in the

distance. “Maybe, I never really knew him.”

-

They were at a photoshoot, with free flowing music playing quietly in the studio. “Relax a little,

move with the music.” The photographer adjusted the lens, gesturing for Lu Han to move. “You can

stand next to him, why’re you leaving a space between you?”

Lu Han moved stiffly to lean against Kris.

“Relax, be more intimate, put your hand on him.” The camera flashed away busily, the photographer

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waving his hand as he directed them. “You have experience, you know what I want, don’t make me

have to teach you.”

His eyes downcast, Kris looked at Lu Han. He pulled the other’s hand over and put it on his own

shoulder. Lu Han raised his head, his lashes fluttering by his ear.

“Right, right, just look at each other like that.” The photographer looked through the viewfinder,

snapping a few shots before looking up helplessly. “What exactly is between you two?”

Under the dazzling lights on the T stage, it was a joint performance with one of the company’s girls,

the light so strong that it was as if he was surrounded by darkness. Under the countless lights and

amidst piercing screams, Kris walked silently to the front, every shred of practiced movements and

electrifying stares completely ignored. Reaching the end of the T-stage, it was as if a door hovered

in front of his eyes, his hand coming up ever so slightly, as if to reach for it…

Some light flashed in his eyes, and he turned and walked silently back. Dressed in exercise clothes

with his hat tugged over his head, Lu Han brushed past him, a gust of wind blowing past his ear, as a

familiar countenance flashed past his eyes no matter how he tried to block it out. He turned and

walked off stage.

In the break room before the rehearsal, the manager had pulled an unfamiliar person towards them.

“Shang, he’s also Chinese. For the time being, he’ll take over LAY’s position.” The person looked

awkwardly at Tao. In the corner, Lu Han didn’t even look up, fixated with his phone.

“He’s from my hometown.” Tao brought him in front of the others. “He came recently, he’s really

good at dancing, and he knows some Korean.”

“Can you dance LAY’s parts?” Minseok asked.

“I can, I learned it.” Chen Shang looked at Kris, speaking in Chinese.

“In the future, when everyone’s here, use Korean.” Kris looked at him and left the break room after

saying that one sentence. Tao watched his departing back. “Don’t mind him, he’s like this a lot.”

“It’s fine,” Chen Shang said. He looked down.

No one discussed it with them, and no one asked their opinions. In the meeting room, their two

managers and people from the planning and human resources department gathered all of EXO for a

meeting, saying that this was a usual shift of members.

“Starting from next month, EXO-M will have a new member, stage name, LAY.” The manager

pointed to Chen Shang, sitting to the side. “In the MV for the new album, we’ve added in a few shots

describing how the past LAY passed on his mission to the current LAY, asking him to fulfill his

responsibilities. From now on, you should also answer the media in this way. The key words are the

continuation and transfer of his mission.” The manager glanced at the paper. “Kris, for activities in

the Chinese market, you’ll be in charge for this segment on shows, this is all possible questions in

relation to the exchange between the new and old LAY.” He slid a few sheets of paper to Kris.

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“Memorise it when you get back.”

Kris looked down expressionlessly at the sheets.

“The addition of the new member may not be received well at first. We’ve prepared for you the

story that you’ve been training for over half a year before debut, and the main point is that you

came to Korean for training after being influenced by EXO, and there were originally some

members you particularly liked.” The manager looked at Chen Shang as he spoke. “For example, K’s

Baekhyun and M’s Lu Han. In the new MV, there’ll be a few dual shots, you guys figure it out

yourself.” He glanced at the silent members across from him, and then turned to glance at Chen

Shang again. “You have to work on your Korean.”

“I will,” Chen Shang said. He looked down.

“After this album is released, we will begin to push the Japanese team depending on results. The

reveal of EXO J will be accompanied by a new EP and MV. The reorganisation of the three teams and

the media press conference is planned to happen at the end of the year. Of course, these plans may

also change,” the staff from the planning department said. “As for the team divisions…” he gestured

towards his colleague from human resources.

“After the reorganisation of the KMJ teams, EXO will still consist of 12 people, most of you

remaining in your original teams. The preliminary decision for the Japanese team members are:”

across the table, the person speaking flipped open the folder in front of her. A few of the members

who’d been sitting quietly with their heads bowed slowly began to look up.

“From M, XIUMIN and Lu Han, and from K, Chanyeol and Baekhyun. The leader is Lu Han.” She shut

the folder. “There may still be changes, however, starting from next week, these four members will

begin Japanese lessons and there will be a Japanese teacher accompanying you to your activities to

ensure the continuation of your lessons.” She levelled a gaze at the four people opposite her. “Any

questions?”

She was faced with a sea of silence.

“If there are no questions, then we can begin with our next point of discussion. In regards to the

second half of the year…” The HR staff member’s sentence was interrupted when, from his seat in

the center of the other side of the table, Jongin spoke up. “I have a question.”

“Speak.” The manager looked at him.

Baekhyun turned to regard Jongin, his eyes ever so slightly downcast. Jongin hesitated for a

moment before he said, “how much time will the Japanese team be spending in Japan every year?”

The manager glanced at him. “Most of their activities will be in Japan.”

Jongin fell silent for a moment. “I’d like to request to change places with Chanyeol. I want to go to

Japan.”

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Chanyeol turned to stare at him, surprised. Baekhyun nearly buried his face in his lap.

“This is impossible,” the manager refused calmly. “You’re K’s lead dancer.”

“M’s lead dancer isn’t here, isn’t M still going on fine?” Jongin said.

“M has a new lead dancer, it’s still LAY.” The manager didn’t look at Jongin, but instead, looked

towards Chen Shang sitting to the side.

“Hmph!” Jongin laughed bitterly. “It’s still LAY – well I only know one LAY.”

To the side, the corners of Lu Han’s lips twitched.

“Kai.” The senior manager sitting across from them looked at him. “You’re a celebrity, but you’re

also an employee of this company. Complying with the directions of the company’s personnel

department is one of the clauses of the contract between you and the company. You aren’t a child,

you shouldn’t need me to coddle you, right?” As he spoke, he turned to look at the other 3 Chinese

members.

“I know that in your hearts, you must be upset.” The manager looked at Lu Han and Kris. “However,

it’s been some time since you debuted and you should understand by now that work and your

private feelings must be kept separate.” He pulled Chen Shang over. “Shang’s growth and

development in China will be impossible without your help. I hope that you will be able to accept

him from your hearts.”

Kris and Lu Han looked at the ground and didn’t speak. Tao raised his head, glancing at Chen Shang,

and then glancing at the people beside him.

“Kris, you’re the leader.” The manager made Chen Shang stand, glancing at him meaningfully. “Be an

example.”

Chen Shang walked to the other side of the table, and stood there awkwardly.

Tao couldn’t stand it any longer, standing up and pulling Chen Shang over, wanting him to sit next

to him, but Chen Shang didn’t move, as he continued to stare at Kris and Lu Han. All the K members

were watching what was happening in that corner – the air was so calm that it was as if one could

wring water out from it.

“Lead dancer…” Kris laughed, his eyes downcast. “Can you dance? Last time at the rehearsal, we

couldn’t tell. Dance for us, and we’ll see.”

Chen Shang was silent under the gaze of the entire room. Unexpectedly, the manager didn’t stop

Kris, but instead, regarded them with a fair amount of interest.

Tao looked at Kris. “There’s no music, how’s he supposed to dance?”

“I have it.” Lu Han glanced at Chen Shang and took out his phone. The sound of a song from their

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album began to play.

“Lu Han hyung…” Chanyeol said quietly, turning to look at Joonmyun, before looking again at Chen

Shang, his eyes full of sympathy. Baekhyun raised his gaze, looking at Chen Shang, as if seeing the

him from the past.

“Lead singer? Then sing for us.” It had been almost two years ago when Jongin had looked at him,

his words full of provocation. Joonmyun had tugged at Jongin, but Jongin only arched a brow. “The

best lead dancer obviously needs to have the best lead singer.”

Baekhyun narrowed his eyes at him. “If I prove that I’m the best lead singer, how will you prove

you’re the best lead dancer?”

Jongin smiled, his mouth crooked. “I’ll dance for you.”

“Fine, then you better listen up.” Baekhyun stared at him. “I’ll be waiting to see you dance.”

The music sounded lonely in the meeting room, as Chen Shang bowed slightly under everyone’s

gaze. “I’ll dance,” he said in Korean. He stepped back slightly as he stood to the side.

In the space just beside the table in the meeting room, this young and handsome boy began his

dance, in front of the gaze of the crowd of people.

Their expressions slowly changed from absentminded to ones of mild shock – his movements were

mismatched with his appearance, gestures precise and explosive, his arrogant self-expression had a

hint of KAI’s, a languid gaze settled through his eyes, as if he was moving carelessly through a

dream, yet every angle remained of the highest caliber.

“He dances better than I do.” KAI’s lips were slightly parted as he spoke quietly to Chanyeol sitting

beside him.

Chanyeol’s eyes were glued to Chen Shang and had never budged. “There’s been such an amazing

person and he’s only appeared now?”

“Which is why he doesn’t need to train.” Kyungsoo calmly regarded the person in front of him.

“There’s always a better person and always a better sky,” Joonmyun said. “If he enters M, they’ll

only be stronger.”

The on-and-off discussion drifted towards the manager, as he proudly regarded Chen Shang. A

song’s dance later, the music from the cellphone finished, as everyone fell silent. Chen Shang looked

at Kris. “Are you satisfied?” he asked in Korean.

Lost in blank thought for a moment, Kris stood up. “I’m sorry, you dance well.”

Chen Shang then turned to regard Lu Han. Lu Han muttered something to himself before he stood

up as well, holding out a hand for him to clasp. “You’re really good. Welcome to M.”

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Chen Shang smiled as he clasped Lu Han’s outstretched hand. “I’m honoured.”

-

“Gaining respect based on his own strength – this is an encouraging story,” Joonmyun said slowly.

“It’s possible he might actually be able to replace the old LAY.”

“From a technical point of view,” Jongin said. He met Joonmyun’s inquiring gaze head on.

“Those Chinese people from before…their relationship was pretty complicated.” Kyungsoo was

watching Lu Han off in the distance, laughing without any expression on his face. “Couldn’t make

heads or tails of it.”

Baekhyun smiled softly as he regarded the people across from him. “Maybe he can replace LAY,” he

said, shaking his head. “But to replace Yixing hyung might be very difficult.” So saying, he turned to

look at where Chen Shang was sitting in the seat that had been vacated for him between Lu Han and

Kris. “What does it feel like when an iron triangle loses one of its corners?”

Jongin lowered his head. What would it feel like when it had lost two corners?

-

“Today, we also need to discuss the main schedule for the second half of the year…” the manager

continued to speak, but Kris didn’t hear a thing, as he stared at his own shaking hands.

A wound was an easy thing to heal, under the effect of a strong analgesic and with time.

Turning his head, he saw Lu Han, both his eyes fixed on the table. In front of him were the questions

that he was supposed to memorise regarding the transition between the old and new LAY in order

to answer the media. Lu Han quietly flipped through a page or two with his fingers.

Maybe, these answers shouldn’t only be rehearsed to respond to the media, but instead, the thing

they should do was to believe in it until it was true. Forget the past in order to live on, if people

wanted to live more easily, only they could save themselves, this was the right way to do things, Lu

Han said to himself. Look, this LAY is pretty good too, he dances better than you, he’s better looking

than you, and he’s probably even a bit smarter than you are.

Looking at the sheets of paper in front of him, for some reason, a teardrop fell straight out from Lu

Han’s eyes. Idiot, what do you want me to do?

Kris’s hand sneaked behind the person between them, to clasp the hand that Lu Han had placed on

the chair. After a moment, Lu Han quietly grasped Kris’s hand as well.

In the brightly lit meeting room, it was as if the two of them had been transported back to that

church by the river at dawn; the multicolored stained glass and majestic tolling of the bells echoed

in their minds, hands supporting their weary heads.

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We’re not Christian, but even so, why is it that in this moment, we wish so much to pray?

For everyone who can’t accept that which has been meted out, who screams, who fights back, yet

who finally succumbs to a beautiful death – they too only wish for one chance to change it all. All life

is equal. Your lives and other lives are all the same. They are all precious, and they are all difficult to

change.

Yet there are all those people, those who ultimately are defeated yet who are unable to see defeat

piled on defeat to succeed – they overturn everything only to lose everything yet die without regret,

why?

There is nowhere in this world that does not depend on trade and exchange, with long established

rules settled in every corner. Those who break these rules are victims of madness – are you sure

you want to become a paving stone on this road?

That depends on who it is that will walk over my body.

Raising his head, it was as if that cross of suffering passed in front of Lu Han’s eyes. You watched as

your own son was nailed to the cross to be revered for all eternity, yet you urge us not to approach

the gambling table?

We’re already there, only our gambling chips are the remains of our meager lives – how can an

addicted gambler ever leave the table?

Your lives and his are equally important. For those 60 years that have already disappeared into thin

air, who will pay respect to them?

Give us one more chance. We’ll use his life to respect them.

Child, you know that this is madness.

Yes, but the madness that comes after careful thought is often the meaning of life.

Child, you know that this is foolishness.

Yes, but I’ve never been smart in my entire life.

In the quiet brightness of the room, Clown sat on the floor, playing with his bottle of perfume.

“You’re addicted, hm?” he silently said.

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-

[19.04.2013]

It was night when Tao pushed open the door to the second floor.

“What are you doing here?” Sehun was sitting inside the room, and Tao stared at him. That person

was staring at the computer screen, several moments passing as he sat there silently, without a

word.

“Where’re those two?” Tao asked.

Sehun shook his head. “They’d just left when I came, after they finished looking at this webpage.”

“What webpage?” Tao frowned as he walked forward for a closer look. The screen full of Chinese

accompanied the pale glow reflected off of Sehun’s face.

It was a page from a health forum, and on it, was a discussion about the average lifespan of an Asian

male. Google Translate was open next to it, an unintelligible jumble of Korean displayed on the

screen.

“Between you Chinese brothers – do you always not talk like this?” Sehun spoke quietly next to him,

but wasn’t waiting for an answer.

Sitting down slowly, Tao regarded Sehun.

“Between us Chinese brothers, we never need to say that much,” he said.

“He thinks of you as a brother. He doesn’t need to announce it to the world, and he doesn’t even

need to tell you.” Tao stared at the window as he chuckled. “You don’t need to ask, either. Someday,

you’ll definitely come to understand.”

“Do you understand?” Sehun looked at him.

Tao lowered his head, and fell silent.

Perhaps I do understand, or perhaps I’m just as confused as you are. Brothers aren’t as strongly

exclusive as lovers, but in your heart, split into three, six, nine layers of friendship – I’m in the ninth

layer.

Asking this way is extremely blunt, but the reason why I hate myself yet want to understand the

reason is, for me, you’re in the very first layer.

-

Under the crisp moonlight, the two youths sat in front of the towering stone wall, playing with the

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pebbles.

“How long do you think you’d live for?” Lu Han asked.

“I don’t know. Depends on how much I have to worry about things,” Kris said.

“What if that kid can’t get over how much worry he owes us?” Lu Han quirked the corners of his lips.

“He’s the type who’ll act cute and live to the fullest every day.” The person beside him smiled in the

darkness. “We’ll see who gets lucky.”

“Obviously you, he only ever scrapes by when it’s with me.” Lu Han chucked away the stone in his

hand.

“Not necessarily. Weren’t you the only one he’d want to go to a deserted island with?” Under the

moonlight, Kris regarded the old friend sitting by his side, unable to suppress the smile that creeped

onto his face.

Shooting him a glance, Lu Han shook his head helplessly. “He just thinks I’m a safe choice which is

why he’ll go to an island with me. And with you?...” He looked cheekily at the person beside him.

“What, with me?” Kris laughed, turning his head. “Weren’t you the one who said I was the most loyal

friend one could wish for?”

“I said all that, and that’s all you remember?” Lu Han twisted his lips.

“Obviously I picked the best things to remember,” Kris said, laughing. “Admit it, he considers you

more as a friend.”

“True, it’s hard for him to consider you as a friend.” Lu Han paused, and looked down.

-

In that moment when they hammered in the nails, Kris looked quietly at Lu Han’s sleeping face.

Friends, we’ve been friends for so many years as well, haven’t we…

Such a beautiful word, the most beautiful, most needed to fake, to pretend, word.

Even your clever eyes couldn’t see through it. I did a great job, right?

On the ground in front of him, he drew a barely recognisable deer with his finger before he smiled

and shook his head, tossing a stone nearby onto it to cover it. He smoothed down Lu Han’s hair,

leaning him against his own shoulder, as his eyes gazed absently at the moonlit forest blanketed in

the dark.

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Chapter 11

The private room was brightly lit and bustling with liveliness, while people were both seated and

standing as they chatted with one another. Other than the twelve of them, there were also members

from sunbae groups and other staff members seated here and there. Lu Han looked at the dirty

dishes scattered around the table and the pile of napkins pushed to one side with Happy

Time printed on them, as the boys excitedly seized this rare chance to get really drunk.

Kyungsoo, face already flushed from alcohol, clung to Joonmyun’s sleeve laughing about something

or other, while Jongin leaned tipsily against the table with one arm, the other hand dropping down

to hold Baekhyun’s hand, Baekhyun already leaning against Chanyeol’s shoulder. Chanyeol’s voice

grated against his eardrums. “Happy New Year! We’re going to debut!”

“Debut, debut~~” Baekhyun repeated as he struck a pose, while everyone cheered and clinked their

glasses together in the chaos.

It was as if it was all happening right now – January 1, 2012. Even though the start of some times

had been long anticipated, the end of some times was also hard to bear.

Lu Han looked around him. On his left, Kyungsoo and Joonmyun were quiet, their arms around each

other, while on his right, Yixing had a wineglass in hand despite being unable to hold his alcohol.

“Finally, debut.” Joonmyun swirled his glass, voice so quiet that no one could hear.

Kyungsoo glanced at him, sprawled across the table. “Why do I feel like that we’re happier over this

than our actual debut? It feels like we’re finally done,” he said quietly, a smile on his face.

“It’s not done~~” Joonmyun laughed as he shook his head. “We’re still a long way from being done.”

Kyungsoo pushed him gently. “Then what would you consider done?”

“Maybe…” Joonmyun lifted his head and looked at the leader of the extremely popular sunbae group,

lost momentarily in thought – yet he still couldn’t give Kyungsoo an answer.

The path of any story follows an arc – for the story to conclude with a happy ending, one must pick

the perfect place to finish.

“So like I said,” Kyungsoo said quietly, smiling. “The day we debut – we’ll be done. It’s probably the

best place to start, and the best place to end.”

Joonmyun regarded him silently, a weary smile creeping onto his face. Here was a soldier on the eve

of the battle, yet it was as if he’d already been fighting for half of his life.

-

Jongin had in his hand the marker that he’d stolen from Chanyeol, as he drew a mustache on

Baekhyun, dozing in Chanyeol’s arms. “Hey, that’s a permanent marker~” Chanyeol’s eyes were

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opened cutely wide, as he pointed at the words on the marker that said it wouldn’t come off for 36

hours. Jongin blinked, exhaling through the corner of his mouth.

“Hey, what’re you doing…?” Baekhyun blearily fumbled about with his hands.

Jongin pinned down Baekhyun’s hands in his left hand, as he continued working at his masterpiece

with his right. “It comes off sooner with a remover, right?” he asked Chanyeol, head askew.

Chanyeol stroked his chin as he glanced at Jongin. “But do I want to tell you? Let me think about

this.”

-

Tao had a small braid done in his hair, as he listened in on the conversation beside him between

Sehun and some of their sunbaes, only half understanding, eyes glowing with faint admiration. Kris

was also half listening in, answering one of Tao’s questions every now and then.

“Stop drinking, look how red your face already is.” Distracted by what was going on to his left, Kris

confiscated the glass in Yixing’s hand and put it on his own right.

“Ahhhhh~” Yixing smiled, his eyes crinkling into crescents, grabbing his glass back as if he were

fighting for a toy. “But I’m happy!”

“What’s the point of drinking this if you’re happy?” Kris said. “This isn’t what you drink when you’re

happy.”

“Then what do you drink when you’re happy?” Lu Han looked at him and asked.

Kris froze for a second, before he turned to Lu Han. “…Champagne, I guess.”

-

“This is you, this is Taozi, this is Lu Han…” Yixing dipped his finger into the wine, messily scrawling

letters onto the table. K, T, L…

“And there’s you.” Lu Han stuck his finger in and wrote another L beside it. “LAY chingu.”

“But I can’t tell the difference.” Yixing pointed at the two Ls.

Kris shook his head and also dipped his finger into the wine and began drawing something on the

table. The leader of the sunbae group looked at Kris and smiled. “Being leader isn’t easy, hm,” he

said, interrupting Kris.

Kris froze for a moment before he slowly turned around. “I’m not leader yet, so I don’t know,” he

said. He smiled awkwardly, as he caught Yixing pouring himself more wine. He gave Lu Han a look,

telling him to take care of him, but Lu Han’s eyes were still fixed on the table in a lifeless gaze.

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The other leader smiled. “You already are.”

-

“Kim Jongin!!” Baekhyun leaned against the wall, falling over drunk, staring at his own heavily

decorated reflection. “I’m not done with you yet!!”

“Okay, okay,” Chanyeol quickly dragged Baekhyun over. “Sit back down, don’t fall.”

“Chanyeol~~” Baekhyun grabbed Chanyeol’s sleeve and wiped away his snot and tears. “I want to

wash it off~~ How do I wash it off~~?”

“Don’t worry, don’t worry, there’s remover,” Chanyeol hastily comforted him. “The store’s just next

to the back door.” Chanyeol cocked his head towards Jongin, gesturing for him to go buy the

remover.

“Do you want to come with me?” Jongin smiled as he leaned in next to Baekhyun.

“Huh?” Baekhyun stared at him, wide-eyed, before fiercely nodding his head.

“Okay then~” Jongin helped up Baekhyun from Chanyeol’s arms, half supporting half carrying him

out the door, a staff member’s voice chasing them from behind. “Your teaser was already released,

don’t do anything stupid!” The only answer he got was Jongin and Baekhyun’s disappearing backs.

“When he came half a year ago they were pretty much enemies, and now they’re like this…” the staff

member mused as he turned back to his food.

Lifting his hand and glancing at his wash, Lu Han stood up and walked over to Kris. “I’m going out

for a bit, if anyone asks, cover for me,” he said next to Kris’s ear.

Kris looked up at him. “Where’re you going?”

Lu Han smiled. “To determine when you get to appear.” Kris stared at him blankly, and Lu Han

looked back, patting him on the shoulder, before confiscating Yixing’s glass from his hand again,

poking his dimple. “I’m off to work, boss.”

The restaurant had three floors; they were on the second floor. The circular hallway led to many

private rooms of all sizes, with rectangular doors everywhere he looked. In no hurry to knock on

them, Lu Han hesitated for a moment, before heading down the stairs.

The lobby of the restaurant suffused warmth, as a couple of fashionably dressed girls stood by the

door with menus in hand, attracting customers. To the left, the stairs lead down to the staff break

room and the kitchen, while to the right, the stairs lead down to the washrooms, the sign next to it

indicating that they also led to the emergency exit.

Lu Han hesitated for a moment, before he walked towards the stairs on the right.

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Outside, a light snow was falling. The abrupt change from the warmth inside left Lu Han feeling a

little uncomfortable and turned around to go inside to get a jacket. But just as he pushed open the

door, he saw two familiar figures in the alleyway outside.

Snowflakes glistened white against Baekhyun’s hair, as Jongin took off his own jacket and draped it

across his shoulders, pulling him close in an embrace. Baekhyun’s head drooped forward, his eyes

half shut, as if he’d fallen asleep while standing up.

Under the moonlight, a few seconds of silence and hesitation passed before Jongin gently placed a

kiss against Baekhyun’s eyes.

Those eyes slowly opened along with that kiss, staring bewildered at the one standing in front of

them, as if there was something they couldn’t quite understand, yet something they wanted to

confirm.

“Lu Han?” Turning, Lu Han saw Tao’s figure in the distance. “What’re you doing over there?” he said

quietly. He tried to stick his head out to look, but was pushed back in by Lu Han.

“I was just going to the washroom. I wanted to get some fresh air, but it’s too cold outside.” Lu Han

dragged him back with him. “Let’s go back.”

Tao looked back in that direction, confused. “I want to go get some fresh air too.”

“You’ll catch a cold,” Lu Han said, and pointed upstairs. “Grab your jacket, and then we’ll see.”

On the stairs up, Lu Han suddenly crouched down.

Walking in front, it took some time before Tao reacted. “Lu Han, where are you? What’re you doing?”

“My shoelaces came undone,” Lu Han said. “You go ahead.

“Okay.” Tao glanced curiously behind him where there was no sign of Lu Han and frowned. Hadn’t

he worn those new shoes that didn’t have any laces today?

Fishing out his phone, Lu Han set it on silent and turned off the flash as he walked quietly to the

door. He regarded the two people still huddled together, and waited silently.

The moment finally came, and under the streetlights, Lu Han held up his phone with one hand as he

quietly snapped a few photos using the highest quality possible. He held his phone up and looked at

the pictures – the two people’s profiles were clearly visible, particularly the kiss that Jongin had

already placed.

Sorry. He looked at the two shadows, not too far from where he stood.

Looking down at his phone, it was almost out of battery. Lu Han hurried out through the front door

of the restaurant, knocking on the main door as he left. Walking onto the street, he looked around

him and hailed a cab. “Take me to the nearest print shop that’s still open,” he said.

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“Do you have money?” The driver looked doubtfully at Lu Han, dressed in a single layer of clothing

with not a single pocket on him.

Lu Han took off his watch and ring. “I’ll tell a friend to come pay for me later, double. I’ll leave these

with you for now.”

The driver eyed him from head to toe before turning. “Get on, then.”

Getting off the car, Lu Han called Kris. “I’m at a print store in the food district, it’s called CopyKing.

Bring some money with you.”

“Why’d you go to a print store?” Kris’s voice came from the other end of the line.

“I’ll tell you when you come.” Lu Han hung up and walked into the store.

“Excuse me, I’d like to use the internet and then fax a few things,” Lu Han said. The owner of the

store offered him the seat, indicating for Lu Han to go ahead.

Sitting in front of the screen, Lu Han jotted down a few numbers, and then wrote a few words down

on the sheet of the paper and handed his phone over to the owner. “I want to send these three

pictures and the text on the bottom to these two numbers.”

The owner glanced indifferently at the pictures and text. “Alright. The prices are on that wall over

there. How many would you like to send?”

“10 each, and hide the number,” Lu Han said.

Walking out of the print store, Lu Han waited there until Kris arrived, getting out of a taxi.

“Why’d you run off to a print store? It’s snowing, and you didn’t even bring money.” Kris propped

up an umbrella, handing Lu Han his coat. “And without a jacket.”

Lu Han ignored him, waving to the taxi driver from before, indicating that he wanted to go back.

“I’m talking to you here!” Kris closed the umbrella and got into the car, looking at Lu Han from the

side.

“Pay first,” Lu Han said. Kris fumbled for his wallet and pulled out a few bills, handing it to the

driver. “We’ll pay for the return trip at once.”

“Something might happen tomorrow.” Lu Han looked straight ahead. “Don’t forget, I never came

here today.”

“You never came here?” Kris looked at him, not understanding what he meant.

“Right.” Lu Han lowered his head. “Tomorrow, I won’t remember it either, so you better forget

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about it completely too.”

Kris looked at him, then turned to stare out the window without speaking.

“What did you do when you went out?” Kris asked. “Taozi said you disappeared on the way back.”

Lu Han fell silent, watching the sky and ground blanketed in a layer of white. “Do you trust me?”

Kris stared out the window and said nothing for a long time.

“No matter what happens tomorrow, just know that I have my reasons for whatever I do. Don’t tell

anyone about what happened today. Including me,” Lu Han said.

“Including you?” Kris stared at him questioningly.

“Right. I need you to promise me.” Lu Han stared back.

“We’re here,” the driver said, and handed back the change to Kris.

“Put on your jacket first.” Taking the money, Kris frowned at him.

Lu Han turned and got out of the car, jacket in hand as he stood in the snow. He continued to stare

at him.

“Can you put your jacket on first?” Kris walked over and pulled at the jacket in his hand. “Why are

you acting like a kid?”

Lu Han refused to let go of the jacket, continuing to stare up at Kris.

Kris looked helplessly at Lu Han, his hair specked with snow, before taking off his own coat and

draping it over Lu Han. “Alright, you win,” he sighed.

Lu Han lowered his head, snow catching in his long lashes.

“Okay. I promise you. Can you put on your jacket now?” Kris said.

Lu Han smiled. He brushed off the snow in his hair, before shaking off Kris’s jacket and draping it

over his body.

-

The ten of them sat scattered around the floor of the practice room. Chanyeol’s head was lying

skewed across Joonmyun’s legs. “We’ve been here all afternoon,” he said weakly. “And they’ve been

in there with their meeting, and now they’ve called in Jongin and Baekhyun and it’s been an hour

already…” Chanyeol glanced at his watch. “It really makes me worried, leader.”

“Do you think that maybe the debut lineup was changed?” Kyungsoo said from the side. “Only a few

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people’s teasers have been released so far…”He counted them off on his fingers. “Jongin, Lu Han,

TAO…that’s it, right?”

“Jongdae,” Joonmyun supplied. “He’s also shown his face.” He looked up towards the meeting room.

Kris glanced at his phone. January 2, 2012. A day he had no memory of. Why did Lu Han send him to

this day…?

On top of which, he had no recollection of the scene that was unfolding in front of him right now.

“Kris hyung.” Chanyeol leaned over, a marker in hand from who knew where. “Last night before we

went back to the dorm, Lu Han hyung said that that marker was out of ink, and told me to buy a new

one today, and told me to secretly give it to you at 9 tonight, a surprise.” Chanyeol frowned, rubbing

at his nose.

Kris took the marker and inspected it closely. On the body, it said that it wouldn’t fade for 36 hours.

“What’s this for?” Kris opened the pen cap, curiously drawing a line on his hand.

“Ah, don’t mess around with it,” Chanyeol hastily stopped him. “It doesn’t come off unless you have

remover…Don’t you remember? Jongin used it to draw on Baekhyun yesterday.”

Kris was already searching for this recent memory in his mind. He looked at Chanyeol. “Jongin drew

on Baekhyun, and then…?” he probed carefully.

“I don’t know…” Chanyeol spread his hand flat. “And then they went to buy remover, and then they

washed it off…it wouldn’t be because of that that they’re getting scolded now, is it?”

Kris glanced at the meeting room, and then glanced at Sehun and Lu Han talking to each other

before turning back to Chanyeol. “Okay,” he said quietly. “I got the surprise, you don’t need to tell

anyone else.”

Chanyeol squinted at Kris and then turned to look at Lu Han. “The two of you have been strange

since yesterday.”

“Strange how?” Kris asked.

“First he ran out without his jacket or wallet, and then you got his call and said you were going to

give him his wallet. And then you guys were off for a long time before coming back. We were about

to leave,” Chanyeol said. “Jongin and Baekhyun too…”

“Jongin and Baekhyun were also out for a while?” Kris regarded Chanyoel. “Before Lu Han left?”

“Yeah, but they came back before you two,” Chanyeol said, rubbing at his eyes.

Kris’s thoughts were interrupted by a commotion. The meeting room door opened, and Baekhyun

walked out alone, his face deathly pale.

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“What happened? Just what happened?” Joonmyun walked forward and grabbed his hand, as the

door shut. Everyone glanced in that direction, and then crowded around Baekhyun.

“Say something, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol swung his hand, but Baekhyun’s hands stared lifelessly at a

point of nothingness, hand on his head, as he slowly kneaded his fingers through his hair.

Baekhyun buried his hands in his arms. “I might…not be able to debut,” he said slowly.

-

In the meeting room, a despondent aura continued to hang in the air. Three people sat across from

him at the table, while Jongin stood on this side of the table.

“I don’t care at all about what goes on between you,” one of them said to Jongin. “Whether you’re

brothers or friends or anything else, it’s fine. As long as we don’t find out, as long as others don’t

find out, you can do whatever you like.”

Jongin stuck his hands in his pockets, silent.

“You’re already artists on the verge of debuting, you can’t act without caution.” He tapped the

pictures on the table. “You were happy and forgot about your image. Do you know how crucial this

period of time is? How many eyes are on you?” He walked in front of Jongin. “Did you really think

that only fans were watching you?”

Jongin dropped his eyes.

“This line really is something.” The person on the other side of the table pointed at the words

written underneath the large photo. “The moment Kim Jongin and Byun Baekhyun debut together

in EXO-K is the day these pictures will be released on the web.” He looked at Jongin.

“You can report it to the police,” Jongin said quietly.

“You think that there aren’t enough people who know yet!?” He stood up in front of him, leaning

forward. “The two of you are just two, insignificant trainees who haven’t even debuted yet. Do you

really think the police would even care about this!?” He walked back to the other side of the table.

“Actually…I’m not sure if you’ve noticed,” one of the people sitting opposite said to another, “this

line doesn’t refer to either of you individually, but concerns the relationship between the two of

you.” He twirled his pen. “Maybe it’s someone from your past, an unrequited love? A girl? Or maybe

a boy?” He looked at Jongin. “Ring a bell?”

Jongin thought back carefully, but there was a blank sea in front of his eyes.

“As for what to do…it’s not like there’s nothing we can do.” That person adjusted his seat, as the

person beside him silently waited for his next words.

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“Not debuting together in EXO-K,” he said, “doesn’t mean that you can’t debut together in EXO.”

Jongin looked up at him.

“You could change places with LAY as lead dancer, like in our original plans.” He looked up at Jongin.

Jongin frowned. “I already told you, I want to stay in Korea.”

“The things you want are many,” the person said, tapping the table with his pen. “But the things you

do are even more.” He looked at Jongin. “I’ll just say this. Jongdae’s already been revealed with his

Chinese stage name. He can’t change places with Baekhyun.”

“Quite a few of your teasers have already been released, and you yourself know your importance to

this team.” He looked at Jongin. “Plan two is to exchange Baekhyun out entirely. He’s only been

training for half a year. As for lead singers, well, there’s plenty to choose from.”

Jongin slowly raised his head; the clock on the wall ticked away steadily, as he quietly regarded the

three people across from him.

-

The door to the meeting room opened, as everyone sitting on the floor scrambled to their feet. The

expressions of the manager and senior executives as they left the room were serious, and behind

them, Jongin’s face was blank.

“These are our decisions.” The manager looked at Jongin, standing off to the side and Baekhyun who

was standing with the others.

“One. LAY and KAI will change positions as lead dancers. Both teams having both Chinese and

Korean members was also part of the original plan, and was determined to be the best structure.”

He looked at LAY, standing next to Kris with a stunned expression on his face. “You’ll change dorm

arrangements today.”

“Two. Starting from today, the company will tighten discipline of trainees, particularly for you

people, who’re just about to debut.” He looked at the already silent group members.

“Three. Kim Jongin and Byun Baekhyun will both serve 24 hours of detention separately. If there is

another infraction,” he said, looking at the two. “Then there won’t be a next time.”

The senior executive seemed to be looking down on this group of kids. To no one’s surprise, no one

raised any objections, including LAY, who’d had no fault, yet had been roped into this all.

Of course, this was for the best, as they walked satisfied out of the practice room. What these twelve

people needed to do was never to question or examine their decisions, but only to quickly accept,

adjust, and with lively expressions and steady calmness, complete their tasks.

“I thought at least someone would ask me if I wanted to or not,” Yixing said in Chinese, smiling.

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Lu Han grabbed Yixing’s shoulder, taciturn, unable to say a word.

-

In front of their dorm, Kris pulled Tao aside, asking him to wait for a moment. Tao glanced at him,

and told Minseok to go ahead.

“I have a favour to ask you.” Kris took out the pen that Chanyeol had given him, and placed it in

Tao’s hand.

“What favour?” Tao glanced at the pen in hand and looked back up at him.

“Next year, on March 22nd, it’s a Friday – I’m going to take a nap that afternoon, Lu Han’s going to

have a fever, so he might also be sleeping. While I’m sleeping, I want you to take that pen and draw

on my face, and keep drawing until there’s no way I could leave the house,” Kris said, pointing at the

pen in Tao’s hand.

Tao froze, staring at the pen. “What’d you say?”

Kris stared at him. “Listen carefully, I’ll say it again. Next year, March 22nd, Friday. Before dinner, I

want you to draw on my face, so I can’t go out.” He took Tao’s cellphone from him as he spoke. “I’ll

set a reminder for you for that time.”

Tao stared at Kris, not understanding. “You, you…you haven’t gone crazy, have you?”

Kris held the phone, and stared steadily at Tao.

“Next year, March 22nd?” Tao said. “You want me to play a prank in over a year from now, and you

want me to play it on you?”

“That’s right.” Kris looked down for a long moment and returned the phone to Tao. “Stop asking so

many questions, just do it.”

Tao laughed bitterly as he looked at him. “You always only ever tell me half the story.”

Kris looked at him. “No, this is an exception.”

“It’s always like this every time you talk to me. You only tell me half of it. Can’t you talk to me about

something more interesting?” Tao’s voice grew louder as he spoke.

“This is really important, it’s the most important thing I’ve ever discussed with anyone,” Kris said.

He raised his head. “I’m not lying.”

Tao narrowed his eyes.

“And, I need you to keep this secret, starting now. You can’t tell me, or Lu Han, about this,” Kris said.

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Tao stuck out his hand to feel Kris’s forehead, and was pushed away by Kris.

“Can you promise me you’ll do this?” Kris stared at him.

“I got it. You want to mess with Lu Han, you don’t want him to know it’s you, so you’re going to

mess with yourself too.” Tao put the pen into his pocket. “Just how bored are you?” Tao said.

Kris continued to stare at him. “I’m waiting for your answer.”

Unable to stand it, Tao looked down at the ground.

“I’m begging you, okay?” Kris searched his eyes.

Looking away, Tao stuck his hands into his pockets. “Alright, stop rambling, I know,” he said, and

then walked back to the dorm.

-

Opening his eyes, the wind blew fiercely against the cliff. Under the moonlight, Lu Han’s dim form

turned to look at the just awoken Kris.

Turning his head, Kris also looked at him, their eyes unblinking.

You’re still alive.

You’re still alive too.

In the darkness, neither of them said a word as they tightly embraced each other, even if it was only

for a few short seconds.

“How was it?” Lu Han’s hand was on Kris’s shoulder as he stepped back from the embrace.

Kris nodded. “Yixing and Jongin switched teams.”

“And the pen?” Lu Han asked.

“I told Taozi to do it before the dinner that day.” Kris pointed at his face, and franticly dug his phone

from his bag, and dialed Yixing’s number.

He waited. Kris squeezed his eyes shut, sending out a silent prayer.

“Hello?” A familiar voice greeted him.

“Yixing!?” Kris suddenly yelled, clutching excitedly at Lu Han.

“Yes? It’s the middle of the night, what’re you doing?” his voice came from the other end of the line.

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“Yixing? Yixing!?” Lu Han grabbed the phone, yelling into the receiver. “It really is you!” He nearly

cried tears of joy, as he pinched the other’s arm.

“…It’s me…” The voice on the other end was just as stupid as before.

But even so, this was definitely the best sound either of them had ever heard.

Sitting next to the dazzlingly bright door, Clown rested his hand on his legs and laughed. Two

crooked numbers floated on the screen across from him. 10, 17.

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Chapter 12

They barged disheveled through the door of the dorm; Jongdae and the empty second floor room

awaited them. A text message from Sehun flashed on Lu Han’s phone: hyung, happy birthday. He

glanced at the time: April 20th, 00:01.

“Where’s Yixing?” Lu Han tossed his phone back into his bag and looked anxiously at Jongdae.

“He lives over there.” Jongdae pointed out the window.

Rushing into Sehun’s room on the second floor, Yixing was sitting at the edge of the bed with his

laptop, while someone stood nearby, chatting with Sehun.

“Hyung,” Sehun said, seeing Lu Han. “Did you see…” before he finished speaking, Lu Han had already

run past him, sweeping Yixing into a hug.

“Oi, you’re choking me…” Yixing’s eyes drifted towards the disappointed Sehun, awkwardly prying

Lu Han’s arms off from him. “Sehun’s talking to you, hey…” he said softly in Chinese.

“Just let him hug you for a while.” Kris smiled at Yixing, ruffling his hair. He turned, and realised

there was someone standing to the side who he hadn’t noticed until just now .

Chen Shang? Kris frowned and stared at him.

Chen Shang looked at Kris and laughed awkwardly. “Then…you guys talk first, I’ll go back to my

place.” He pointed towards the building next door and walked out the room.

Watching Chen Shang’s disappearing back, Kris froze for two seconds before he slowly walked into

Chanyeol’s room next door. Sehun glanced at the excited Lu Han before following Kris out the room.

Chanyeol was silently packing a bag. When he saw Kris walk in, he stopped what he was doing

somewhat helplessly.

“What’re you doing?” Kris looked at the bottles and jars in the bag covered in English, an eyemask

sitting at the top.

“I’m going to give this to Baekhyun tomorrow.” Chanyeol looked down. “The doctor said he still has

to stay in the hospital a while for observation.”

“He’s…injured?” Kris frowned, choosing his words carefully.

Sehun and Chanyeol both looked at him.

“He is,” Sehun said expressionlessly. “If you can count severe depression as an injury.”

After a few minutes, Kris walked into the room next door. “Lu Han, come with me for a second.” No

hint of a smile could be found on his face.

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Lu Han stood, giving him a doubtful look. Yixing stood as well and tugged at Lu Han.

“What did the doctor say? Does he still have to stay in the hospital? He can’t take medicine by

himself?” The first words out of Yixing’s mouth completely wiped the smile from Lu Han’s face in a

moment.

“The doctor said that right now, his condition isn’t suited to self treatment. He’s severely depressed

and is at risk for suicide. It’s impossible for us to watch him every single minute.” Chanyeol’s bangs

hung in front of his eyes.

“But last time, didn’t the doctor say that he was really cooperative with the treatment?” Yixing

frowned. “As long as we talk to him a lot, distract him, and don’t provoke him, his personality’s so

optimistic…” Yixing didn’t finish.

“Actually, he knows too. He’s aware of his own condition, and he’s working hard to come back…”

Chanyeol said. “But it’s just that he can’t sleep all night, and sometimes, he’ll suddenly get worried,

get scared, especially when he sees things that remind him of Jongin.”

“But who’d mention Jongin in front of him? And didn’t we clean up everything?” Yixing said. “And

you told him not to go online if he doesn’t have to.”

“It’s impossible to avoid. The newspapers, the news, the internet, it’s everywhere every single day…”

Chanyeol said. “He’s still a part of EXO. How can he avoid it?”

Lu Han’s face drained of colour. He glanced at Kris – that person stared blankly ahead.

Where’s Jongin? When they’d rushed out of Jongdae’s room to Yixing’s place next door, why hadn’t

anyone considered that question?

-

Where he should start telling this story – to be honest, Huang Zitao didn’t know either. He looked at

Lu Han and Kris sitting in front of him and ran his fingers through his hair. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault.

Do we really have to keep bringing up what happened that day like this?”

That day, a light rain had been falling since the morning. His phone rang with a reminder, and Tao

vaguely remembered the prank he’d promised to play over a year ago now. Digging out the pen in

the corner of his drawer, he quietly went upstairs.

Lu Han lay under the covers, his face faintly flushed as he slept. A cup of water and a thermometer

were on the table as next to it, Kris was resting on his own bed, fully dressed, apparently also asleep.

Brushing a hand against Lu Han’s forehead, he found that it was somewhat warm. Tao watched the

two people silent in slumber, and felt a little bored.

Taking out the pen hesitantly, he gently started drawing around Kris’s eyes. Considering my

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drawing ability…you really don’t think highly of your face, Tao thought silently.

He pressed a little too hard near the right eye, and Kris furrowed his brows. He opened his eyes and

saw Tao standing in front of him, pen in hand.

“What’re you doing?” He narrowed his eyes, as the non-fade for 36 hours label on the pen

permeated his eyesight.

Snatching the pen over, Kris stared carefully at the instructions on it. When he looked up, he glared

daggers at Tao before rushing to the washroom.

“Huang Zitao, get your ass here right now!” The yell from the washroom woke up Lu Han and

startled Jongin in the other room, flipping apathetically through his texts from Baekhyun.

Frowning, Lu Han struggled into a sitting position on the bed, only to hear the yelling continue from

the bathroom. “Who let you draw this! Is this fun for you!?”

“You fucking did…” Tao said, staring at him. His voice wasn’t quiet either.

“Me?” Kris pointed at his panda eyes.

Tao fished out his phone from his pocket, tapping at a few keys before tossing it on the counter.

“The reminder you set.”

Jongin leaned against the doorframe, the corners of his lips quirking upwards before he turned to

head back to his room to get his phone. Kris picked up the phone on the counter. “I told you to draw

on my face, and I set a reminder – am I crazy!?”

“I did think you’d gone a bit crazy…” Tao looked at Kris, chuckling.

“Oi, look over here!” Jongin yelled next to him. And so a beautiful picture of a panda was born.

“What’re you guys doing?” Lu Han walked in, head in hand, when he suddenly saw Kris and took a

step back in surprise. “If you wanted to leave the entertainment industry you didn’t have to go that

far, did you?”

Rolling his eyes at Lu Han, Kris asked Tao: “how do I wash it off?”

“I don’t know.” Tao waved his hands innocently in front of his chest when he was interrupted by a

knock on the door. Tao hurried off to answer it.

“We should go soon.” Chanyeol strode in, waving his hands. “The car’s waiting downstairs.” He

suddenly saw Kris. His finger pointed mid-air, as he stood there, at a loss for words.

“Isn’t that the pen that Lu Han hyung told me to give Kris?” Chanyeol took the pen from Tao’s grasp.

“How come it ended up being on your face?”

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“Hey! It has nothing to do with me, okay?” Lu Han hurriedly cleared himself from suspicion. “When

did I tell you to buy the pen?”

“Huh? It was..” Chanyeol frowned, as he tried to remember. “That, that time…”

“Okay, how do I wash it off?” Kris pulled Chanyeol over.

“You have to go to that…but…” Chanyeol turned to look outside. “How are you going to…”

Their manager’s voice from downstairs interrupted him. “Kris, Lu Han, hurry up and come down!”

He bounded up the stairs as he spoke.

When he saw Kris’s face, the manager didn’t know what to say.

“You, stay. You, you, and you,” the manager pointed at Lu Han, Chanyeol, and Tao, “downstairs, now!”

“Me?” Tao pointed at himself.

“Yes.” The manager hurried down the stairs. “If we don’t leave now we’ll be late. Hurry!”

Just before they went downstairs, Jongin grabbed Chanyeol by the arm. “Baekhyun’s going too?”

Chanyeol nodded and pointed at the car downstairs.

Jongin looked downstairs, and smiled bitterly as he patted Chanyeol’s shoulder before walking back

to his own room.

-

Something that had ended a year ago should have found a conclusion by now, Baekhyun thought.

A twisted start which lead to a twisted railway, and in the end, could only lead to an even more

twisted ending – and they’d already been told about their twisted mistake, and had been punished

for it.

He’d always suspected that Jongin had projected his attachment towards dance onto himself –

wanting to face challenges wasn’t wrong, and wanting to conquer another person also wasn’t

wrong, but after they’d been conquered, shouldn’t one lose interest?

They were all men, they’d already tried it, wasn’t that enough?

-

“I want to do this for real.” Yesterday, on the balcony at the company, Jongin had cornered him

against the wall.

“You’re going to do yourself to death,” Baekhyun said, looking away helplessly.

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“I’m already in M, where’re they going to send me next? Mars?” Jongin stared at him.

“It’s impossible for us. Wake up.” Baekhyun looked down.

“You haven’t even tried, how do you know it’s impossible?” Jongin said, a hint of anxiousness

tingeing his words.

“Because it’s a dead end! Can’t you see the block just ahead?” Baekhyun said.

“Who doesn’t have death in front of them! Then what are you even living for!?” Jongin screamed at

him.

Shoving aside Jongin’s hand, Baekhyun stalked towards the exit. “Feelings like ours won’t last that

long. If you make a career for yourself in the funeral business just for this, you’ll regret it.”

“Are you afraid of my funerals or are you scared of yourself?” Jongin said behind him.

Baekhyun turned around and stared at him. “Myself,” he chuckled. “And I’m scared as hell.”

Jongin pulled Baekhyun to himself and hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Baekhyun’s

hands hung down loosely, as Jongin’s mussed up hair brushed against his cheek.

“I don’t want to fight anymore,” Jongin said through his tears. “We only ever get to see each other a

few times a year, and every time, if it’s not a cold war, then we’re fighting…” he tipped up

Baekhyun’s face to kiss him, only to be shoved back flying.

“We’re at the company! Are you insane!?”

Jongin slowly crouched down, wearily hanging his head.

“This was supposed to be so simple. How did it end up so complicated?” he said hoarsely.

“Because we’re idols.” Baekhyun chuckled. “I know how to make this complicated thing simple

again,” he said. “Let’s break up.”

-

At the noisy dinner table, Baekhyun felt that getting drunk for the first time wasn’t a bad idea, and if

it meant he could help Lu Han out a bit, well, that just meant that he could have his cake and eat it

too.

The Japanese people seemed extremely interested in Chinese martial arts, such that even a small

demonstration was enough to completely catch their attention, even under the situation where Lu

Han got wine splashed on his face, his complexion pale. Baekhyun held his wine glasses, laughing

especially happy. Chanyeol’s alcohol tolerance was much better than his, and he was probably

thinking that he’d never seen someone with such a bad alcohol tolerance cut in for someone else,

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while continuously pouring himself drinks. Ah, Chanyeol, I wish I could’ve sorted out my own

feelings before we’d debuted like you did, but I guess I couldn’t manage, hmm.

A person’s life wasn’t written on a staff – to pause exactly where the rest was drawn…just how

many years of practice would that take?

-

By the time they were getting into the cars, Baekhyun already couldn’t remember much . His

stomach hurt, and he clutched at his midriff, vaguely noticing that after following him onto the same

car, Chanyeol was redirected by the manager to the car in front, while he pointed Lu Han over, who

was in a similar state to himself. “Get into the Buick at the back,” the manager said.

Lu Han’s head was so dizzy it felt like it was going to burst. If it had been Kris or maybe even Jongin

beside him, he would’ve fallen straight asleep, but next to him, Baekhyun seemed even worse off

than he was, and he couldn’t be sure if the pallor of his face was because of his stomach.

Bracing his last shred of strength, he dialed Yixing’s number.

“Where are you?” Lu Han’s brows furrowed as he warded off dizziness.

“I’m buying the remover. Taozi drew on Kris’s face.” Yixing walked towards the cashier as he talked.

“I sent Chanyeol a bunch of texts but he just replied fifteen minutes ago, we’ve been looking for it

for ages…” Yixing rambled on at the other end of the line.

“Chanyeol’s phone…was probably on silent just now.” Lu Han held his head in his hands, pausing

every now and then. “If you’re not home, it’s fine. What about Kris?” he asked, brows furrowed.

“In the car.” Yixing glanced at the taxi parked outside. “I told him no one would see if he was

wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night, but he refused to come out,” Yixing said. “Just now,

Tao sent him text asking him to pick up someone from the airport. Once we wash this off we’ll

probably go straight there.”

“Okay,” Lu Han said listlessly. “At home…stomach medicine, something to help with alcohol…do we

still have any?”

“How much did you drink?” Yixing frowned. “Are you alright?”

“Don’t worry about me,” Lu Han pressed his fingers against his aching head. “Baekhyun’s not doing

so well.”

“We have stuff for alcohol, but I can’t remember if we have any stomach medicine. Call Jongin, ask

him,” Yixing said.

“Okay.” Lu Han hung up, and looked at Baekhyun, lying unconscious beside him, and dialed Jongin’s

number.

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Not long after: “Call your friends, take care.” The two cellphones were tossed back to them.

Lu Han turned on his own phone, the screen showing 15 missed calls from Jongin. Pressing one, he

called back.

“How’s Baekhyun? Why’d you turn off your phone just after you called?” The voice at the other end

of the line was fretful, and Lu Han could almost see him pacing back and forth across the room.

“Jongin...” Lu Han looked down at the ground. “Come pick us up.”

At the other end of the line, Jongin froze for a few seconds. “Pick you up? Aren’t you on the way

back!?” The questions flew at Lu Han one after the other with no break in between.

“We’re…” Lu Han glanced at Baekhyun beside him. “Outside the city. I’ll send you our location, come

as fast as you can.”

Ignoring the other’s increasingly frantic questions, Lu Han hung up, pinpointed their location, and

sent him a text.

Out of the string of calls after that, Lu Han only picked up one. “Baekhyun’s fine,” he said. “I’m on the

way!” came loudly from the phone in his hand.

Lu Han hung up.

-

The hazy glow from the desk lamp illuminated the room as Lu Han and Kris lay on their respective

beds. Outside, the wind rustled through the leaves, the same sound from the past few days.

The two people were silent in the dark.

“We’re losing more and more,” Lu Han said. “Before this, we were carrying one life, and lost 60

years. Now, we’re carrying a life and a half, and we’ve lost 90 years.”

“Yixing’s alive,” Kris said, looking up at the ceiling. “That’s a step forward.”

Lu Han paused, closing his eyes. “But this isn’t how you play a game.”

“It’s your birthday today, isn’t it.” Kris pointed at the present on the table. “Sehun brought that over,

and then left quickly.” He glanced at Lu Han.

Lu Han was silent for a moment before he took the present and opened it.

Inside was a beautiful music box, and at the very bottom, there was a letter. When he opened the lid,

a familiar yet simple melody floated outwards.

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Kris blinked. “It’s probably custom made. I didn’t think you could buy a music box in Korea that

played Olive Tree.”

“I only said that name to him once.” Lu Han shut the lid of the box. “And he doesn’t understand the

lyrics.”

“He has google translate.” Kris chuckled as he pointed at the computer screen. The webpage was

still open with their research into life expectancy, with the words translated into complete

gibberish.

Lu Han stared at it blankly for a moment, before he walked over and closed those tabs.

“So?” Kris didn’t look at Lu Han. “Do we continue?”

“Do we have a choice?” Lu Han also didn’t look at him.

Kris froze for a moment before he nodded. “True. We’re murderers, now.”

“You’ll die,” Lu Han said, his head bent.

“You too,” Kris replied.

The two of them looked up at each other. A moment passed, and they both ducked their heads at the

same time, smiling.

Lu Han leaned against the wall as he sat on his bed, and patted the spot beside him.

Kris froze for a second before he walked over and sat down.

“I’m the biggest failure of a boss you’ve ever seen, right?” Lu Han said, smiling.

“A bit of a failure,” Kris replied, smiling as well as he nodded.

“If I go bankrupt someday,” Lu Han turned to look at him. “You…”

“I’ll sue you,” Kris answered, deadpan. “For exploitation and forced cheap labour, and withholding

wages.”

Lu Han froze, before he laughed. “I’m afraid I can’t pay back your wages,” he said.

But, I will buy you insurance.

-

[April 20th, 2012. Noon.]

The shadow of the accident enveloped the entire group. With each team missing a person, the task

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of taking photos was finished quickly. Yixing looked over at where Lu Han was sitting in the corner,

chatting happily into his phone, disjointed Chinese floating over to his ears.

“Mm, someone takes care of our food for us…” Lu Han said, laughing. “I’m not dieting, I don’t diet

anymore…”

“How’re your stocks? I heard the index has been falling pretty badly lately…” He sat on the ground,

propping up a leg. “The RMB went up again. Don’t forget that I have an account here in Korea too.”

He looked up.

Lately, he didn’t have as little to say to his family when they called as he used to, as he chattered on

brightly about little anecdotes here and there, some inferred, some made up.

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” Lu Han smiled so widely that the corners of his eyes crinkled in laughter.

“You used to hound me so much I had to take it all underground, and now you’re asking about this?

I’m too busy, how could I?”

He rubbed at his own fingers, lips lifted in a quiet smile. “I’m not hiding, there’s nothing to hide…”

On the other end of the line, they were repeating the same warnings and advice they’d said

thousands of times already: take care of your health, eat your meals on time, don’t lose weight,

don’t push yourself too hard when you perform… Lu Han had all but memorised it already.

The same smile was on his face as he continued nodding, listening to their words, even though tears

had already started to drip from the corners of his eyes. “Take care of yourselves too.” He held the

phone away and took a deep breath, steadying his voice.

“Isn’t it expensive to call?” came the worried question. “Don’t call so much you run out of money.”

“I have money now,” Lu Han said, dragging his hand across his eyes.

“We’re happy as long as we know you’re well,” they said. “Are you still working right now? You

should hurry back, don’t let your manager think you don’t take your work seriously anymore.”

“Mm.” Lu Han muffled his mouth with his hand as he nodded. “You have to take care of yourselves.”

“Did you catch a cold? Your voice seems hoarse,” they said.

“I’m fine, someone’s telling me to go.” Lu Han hung up and leaned his head against the wall, his eyes

falling shut.

Walking to the wall, Yixing sat down next to him without saying a word.

The phone fell slowly from his hand. Lu Han opened his eyes, staring into nothingness, one hand

clasping the hand of the person beside him.

“You have to live on properly, for me,” Lu Han said, blinking.

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Yixing turned to look at him. “Same here,” he said after a moment. “When I’m old, I want to go

fishing with you.”

“Fishing…” Lu Han laughed. “At that time, there’ll be loved ones you can go with.”

“Aren’t you one?” Yixing looked at him, and laughed as well.

They stayed like that for a moment, before Lu Han turned his face aside. “Idiot…” he shook his head.

“You really aren’t good at stirring up emotions.”

Yixing’s head bent forward as he looped an arm around his shoulders. “And you are?”

Standing up, Lu Han patted down his pants and walked towards the door. Just as he was about to

exit, he happened to bump into Sehun who was coming in. “Hyung, what’s wrong?” He looked at Lu

Han’s bloodshot eyes.

He smiled awkwardly before looking down. Lu Han lifted a hand to pinch Sehun’s cheeks, before

patting his shoulder as he walked around him. “It’s nothing.”

A few hours later, in the dorm washroom, Kris clutched the phone that he’d already used until the

balance was negative, resting his forehead against the wall.

Taking a moment to calm down, Kris put his phone back into his pocket and opened the washroom

door. Lu Han was standing at the end of the hallway, waiting for him. Putting his phone and key on

the desk in the room, Kris took a few bills from his wallet and left his wallet there as well. A familiar

looking letter lay next to it, unopened.

Lu Han stuck a handful of nails into Kris’s pants pocket. “We’re done with them, keep it as a

souvenir,” he said.

Kris picked up the letter and handed it to Lu Han. “You should still read Sehun’s letter,” Kris said,

looking at him. “Before we go.”

Head bent as he took the letter, Lu Han brushed a finger against the envelope, leaning against the

dresser by the door. He looked out the window, where the sun shone brightly.

“I won’t,” Lu Han smiled, lowering his head. “Let’s go.”

Beautiful weather and beautiful sunlight, just like that morning just over a month ago when he’d

tossed an unopened brochure at Kris. At that time, Yixing had been here, Jongin had been here,

everyone had been here.

A fishing line seemed to be dangling in front of their eyes – with that simple morning hanging as the

bait.

Walking next to the cliff, Kris turned back to look at Lu Han.

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“After we go this time, we’ll never see each other again, right?” Kris said.

Lu Han slid slowly down the escarpment. “Don’t be so pessimistic. You’ll get to see the past me, and

I’ll get to see the past you.”

“If I say something to the past you, maybe he won’t understand.” Kris stared off at the forest in the

distance.

Lu Han ignored him, his eyes fixed on the ground, lost in thought.

Kris looked at him, and lowered his head.

Even if I told the you now, you still might not understand. It’s best if we keep it purely as

a partnership, working towards the same goal. Out of all the possible relationships that could exist

in this world, the one I want most is to fight back to back with you, as equal brothers in arms.

As long as you throw me a gun, I’ll definitely fight with you until the end. Even if what awaits us

isn’t victory, I’ll protect your back until I fall first.

So, my dear comrade, my inseparable teammate, my eternal brother, even if there are some things

you don’t know, it’s alright, like those unimportant things. To fight alongside you is my honour.

This is our special memory that no one can ever replace or share.

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Chapter 13

The moment that they hammered in the nails, Lu Han knew that his own life had probably come to

an end. Kris had fallen asleep before him. Lu Han looked at him as he took his phone out from his

pocket, and snapped a picture of the forest in front of him, where not a single soul could be seen.

His shoe nudged the red arrow on the ground. Feeling bored, he dropped his phone into Kris’s hand.

Lifting his head, sunlight blinded his eyes. He shielded his eyes as he gazed into the distance, staring

thoughtfully at the sky.

“Clown, you’re the one who chooses where we go back to, right?” Lu Han blinked.

Lu Han smiled into the sun. “This time,” he said softly. “Help us.”

-

They were in the middle of a rehearsal.Aas the familiar sound of their single finally wound down to

the last rest, Kris and the others all slowly stood up and turned around. At the front of the formation,

Yixing braced his hands against the ground, unable to get up.

Lu Han hurried over, looping an arm around his back. Kris picked up the microphone on the ground

and handed it to him. When Yixing took the microphone, his eyes downcast, his expression was the

same one that would often appear whenever his old injury resurfaced – one of deep fear.

“That’s good, we’ll start recording in 10 minutes.” The voice from the speaker completely neglected

the fact that their lead dancer clearly wasn’t in good shape. Lu Han turned to glare at the sound

system, words on the tip of his tongue. Yixing tugged at his sleeve and shook his head.

Walking back stage to get his phone, the words January 28, 2013 flashed in front of his eyes. “I’m

heading out for a bit,” he whispered quietly into Lu Han’s ear, before running out of the room.

The manager glanced at where Kris had rushed out the door. “10 minute washroom break,

everyone needs to be back by then,” he said. Staring at the door, Lu Han watched as Kris turned

right before dashing off to the left and pulled aside Chanyeol, who was also staring at Kris. “Go after

him,” he said.

This was a theatre with only one floor, and there was no way Kris could find the 53 doors he needed.

He rushed out into the rain, looking around wildly, just as Chanyeol appeared behind him.

“Kris hyung what are you doing?” Chanyeol held a hand above his head to shield himself from the

rain.

“Is there a hotel nearby, or an office building?” Rain streamed down his face as Kris turned to look

at Chanyeol.

“There is, but…” Chanyeol tried fruitlessly to shield the top of Kris’s head from the rain with his

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other hand. “You’re soaked, and we have to record in 10 minutes.”

“Take me there.” Kris grabbed his arm and stared into his eyes.

Chanyeol stared at him, puzzled. “We’re in Thailand…There’s a five star hotel on the other side of

that street, but…” Before he’d finished speaking, Kris had already left him behind, running off into

the rain.

“Hey! Kris hyung, you…” Chanyeol turned to look behind him before looking uneasily at Kris,

running off into the distance. He hesitated for a moment before hurrying after him.

“I’m sorry, sir, could I ask you to…” The lobby of the hotel was richly decorated, sleek cars pulling

up to the entrance every now and then. Upon seeing the drenched young man barge in through the

front door, the first instinct of the receptionist at the front desk was to call him to stop.

Ignoring him and unable to understand Thai, Kris continued to walk forward, while behind him,

Chanyeol followed him in, just as soaked, panic written all across his face.

A couple security guards blocked Kris’s path, and after a moment, a senior manager walked over. He

politely displayed his name badge before speaking in English. “What may I do for you?”

Chanyeol caught up and tried to drag Kris back by the sleeve, as he smiled awkwardly at the

manager and security guards.

“We’re here…to visit a friend,” Kris said.

“May I ask what your friend’s name is?” The manager stared somewhat contemptuously at the

admittedly handsome youth who nonetheless cut a rather sorry figure.

“I…” Kris found himself at a loss for words. “Haven’t seen him yet. I just came to…”

The manager smiled silently, staring at Kris, who stood there awkwardly.

“If you have yet to see your friend, you could tell us their room number and name, and we would be

glad to call them and ask. We would have no problem doing that.” The manager’s lips turned

upward, the meaning in which was unclear.

Looking at the manager’s expression, Kris slowly began to understand what he meant.

“Please understand.” The manager of the lobby slowly turned around. “For someone of your bearing

and status to come into our hotel isn’t prohibited, but there are some among you who would come

and knock on random doors to talk to people, and it isn’t the first time that our guests have

complained of such interruptions.” He looked at Kris. “You must know that we’re a five star hotel,

not your average little motel.”

The unpleasant atmosphere enveloped them as Chanyeol slowly let go of Kris’s hand, his head bent,

as he fell silent for a few minutes.

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Cocking his head, Chanyeol silently took out his wallet and placed a card onto the counter.

“We’ll take a room,” he said.

The manager and staff all froze in surprise, as the receptionist glanced at the manager out of the

corner of his eye.

He pointed at the prices on the wall with his left hand. “The rooms we still have available tonight,”

he said respectfully, “are standard double rooms, business class double rooms—” before he finished

speaking, Chanyeol interrupted him. “The most expensive one.”

Kris turned to look at him. “Did you bring enough money?” he asked in Korean, smiling. “I didn’t

bring my wallet.”

“Don’t worry, I have enough for one night.” Chanyeol blinked at him.

“Thank you for your patronage. We’ve booked the presidential lovebird suite for you and will

deduct a deposit, and will need your ID.” The receptionist smiled at them, and the manager had also

done a 180 in manner, a smile on his face.

Kris and Chanyeol both had awkward expression on their faces, as Chanyeol leaned against the

counter, flipping through his wallet for a long time before he pulled out his Korean identity card. “I

don’t have my passport with me, will this do?”

“This is…” The manager looked at the Korean on the card, and looked up at the manager.

Chanyeol continued to flip through his wallet, before placing his driver’s license on the counter.

“This is an international driver’s license, Thailand accepts it as well.”

The receptionist placed the driver’s license off to the side as he entered something into the

computer. Chanyeol took a few large bills from his wallet and stuffed it into the manager’s hand.

“It’s true that Thailand recognises your driver’s license, however, our hotel’s regulations say…”

before the receptionist had finished speaking, the manager gestured for him to stop, and nodded to

say that it was fine to let them check in.

“Then…” the receptionist was all smiles again, as the security guards slowly walked away. “Please

sign here, this is your room key, the elevators are ahead and to the right.”

Chanyeol signed and put the card key into his pocket. Without even looking at the manager, he ran

after Kris to the elevator.

Kris was silent as he randomly pressed a floor, and watched the elevator doors slowly close.

“You actually have quite a temper on you,” Kris said, staring at the remnants of Chanyeol’s baby fat

through the mirror. “You can’t stand by and watch your friends be mistreated.”

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Chanyeol arched an eyebrow at the mirror in front of him. “Pfft~ It’s all because Kris hyung is too

handsome.”

“Being handsome doesn’t put food on the table.” Kris chuckled. “It was still your card that did the

trick.”

Chanyeol cocked his head to the side, silent for a long while as he fiddled with his watch. “What did

you come here to do?” Before he’d finished speaking, the elevator doors opened with a “ding” and

Kris hurried out.

Gently tapping at the doors on either side of the red carpet, Kris counted silently in his head.

Chanyeol frowned as he stared at Kris’s odd actions, as he hurriedly apologised to the occasional

person who opened the door at the sound of knocking. He glanced at his watch as he followed Kris

as he turned left and right through the halls.

51, 52, 53.

Kris stopped and turned to Chanyeol. “How long as hit been since we finished rehearsal?”

“Since we finished rehearsal?” Chanyeol asked. “Not too long, 20 minutes, maybe.”

Sticking his hands into his pockets, Kris looked at Chanyeol. “Let’s go back.

Standing next to the elevator, Kris still had his hands in his pants pockets. Chanyeol stared at him,

confused, before reaching around him to press the down button.

“You’re really strange today.” Chanyeol summed up everything that had just happened in one

phrase. “You better explain to me some other day.”

“I might not have time.” Kris looked up at the top of the elevator. Perhaps, his life was already in

overdraft, and the only thing that was left to him were these last few moments on the way back.

“Not have time?” Chanyeol quirked his lips. “Kris hyung is always busy with this and that, but you

don’t have time to do the important things?”

Kris fell silent. The elevator doors opened with a “ding”. Strangers mingled about outside, as Kris

stayed blankly rooted to the spot.

He’d always thought of himself as a rational person, someone who had the strength to make his

own decisions, someone who could see the big picture and understand the small sacrifices needed.

Perhaps, he’d laugh fondly at those people who acted on emotions, but he knew that he would

never become that sort of person.

At the end of the hallway of life, he silently turned around, only to find that the fuzzy big picture

wasn’t his at all; his life consisted only of those small sacrifices.

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Returning back stage, the manager was expectedly furious, while the stylist and assistants leaned

silently against the make-up counter, and a senior manager from another company who had come

to sign them for overseas albums was sitting nearby.

A harsh air took hold as the manager glanced at Kris before pointing at Chanyeol. “I told you 10

minutes! Do you know how much money is wasted every minute you waste!?”

“Don’t yell at him, he was just following me.” Kris pushed down the manager’s finger, as the person

sitting off in the distance looked on with interest at Kris.

The manager stared at Kris’s face, his brows furrowing. “Don’t waste another second, hurry up and

go record.” The manager gestured towards him as he walked past Yixing, his face screwed up in

pain. Jongin walked over and crouched down next to Yixing. “How’s Yixing hyung?” he asked Lu Han.

Lu Han’s face was dark. Anyone could see how he was; he couldn’t even move.

Jongin looked worriedly at Yixing, words on the tip of his tongue. “What are you waiting for!” came

chiding from the door. “Get on stage!”

“He can’t dance, at least for today,” Lu Han said.

“Can’t dance?” the manager walked over and placed his hands on Yixing’s shoulders. “Hang on for a

little longer. The contract’s already been signed and we’ve already bought the plane tickets for

tomorrow. We’ll treat it properly when we get back to Korea.”

Everyone was silent. Yixing nodded, eyes squeezed shut as sweat dripped down from his forehead.

“You’ve been talking about treating it properly for a year,” Kris said. “He’s a dancer, if he can’t dance,

are you going to take responsibility for it? Do you have insurance for him?”

“Dancing was his own choice,” the manager said, looking at Kris. “No one forced him to.”

“Right, no one forced him, he’s just forcing himself.” Kris walked over, pointing at Yixing’s waist that

he couldn’t move at all, wrapped in layers of towels. “And later, when he’s done, it was all his own

fault!” He ripped off the towels and threw it to the ground. “With the money earned from this

performance, with the amount that you give him, is that enough to treat it!?”

“Kris.” The senior manager sitting off to the side rose and walked over to them. “If you want to

question the contract, now is not the time and place. On the other hand, if you refuse to perform as

scheduled right now, the ones who break the contract first will be you.” He looked at Kris.

“It’s alright, I’m fine,” Yixing said, looking up at Kris.

“What, you’re famous, you’re celebrities, ready to leave the nest?” The senior manager walked to

stand in front of Kris, smiling as he regarded this youth who was taller than him by quite a bit, yet

his eyes held the same contempt as if he were looking at an ant. “As long as you have this stage, the

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world is at your command, but if you lose this stage, then you are nothing. This stage was given to

you by the company, and the company can take back this stage at any time.”

Kris stared at him, silent for a long moment.

“I’ll say the same to you,” he said, when he finally spoke. “The money you earn from the company is

all because of the artists. If one day, the artists don’t want to play anymore, then you’ll have to go up

there and sing and dance by yourself.”

When people grew up and stared thinking, they became harder to control. The manager crossed his

arms in front of his chest. “Kris, you’ve said too much. You will regret it.”

Kris smiled and looked out the window. Outside, people walked here and there as always, while

each day’s entertainment news was tossed into the garbage along with old newspapers. Other

people’s idle after dinner gossip was the very fibre of their lives.

“Probably,” Kris said, smiling. “But I won’t go on stage today. This way, we can’t dance, right?” He

sat down, wrapping an arm around Yixing’s shoulders.

“Alright, you won’t dance today, that’s great,” the other said, smiling. “But in the future, there will

come the time for you to dance.” He glanced at Kris before walking out the door. The manager

glanced at everyone before following him outside.

Yixing’s hand was on his knee as Lu Han raised his hand, looking towards where Kris sat silently,

head bowed.

The room was silent.

Jongin walked over, hands in his pockets, to stand in front of him. “Until today, I’d never admit that

you were cool,” he said, chuckling. “But just now, you really were.” He snapped his fingers in front of

Kris, and walked out of the room.

-

In the corner of the room, the stylist and assistants whispered in conversation.

“Now that the Chinese have been to China, why does it look like they’ve let the tiger back into the

mountains?” The stylist who spoke had only been with them for two months.

“You’re not the only one who sees it,” the assistant said quietly. “The company definitely has a plan

in place.”

The stylist glanced at the assistant, before she paused. “That one, and that one.” She pointed at Kris

and Lu Han off in the distance. “Those two are like springs. Who knows what it’ll be like when they

spring back one day.”

“Lu?” the assistant shook her head. “Looks like a doormat, I doubt it.”

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“Just because he looks like a doormat you think he really is one?” the stylist shook her head. “Every

day, you talk to so many people. Do you think you really know any of them?”

“One of them definitely won’t cause trouble.” The stylist pointed at Zhang Yixing.

“Ah, a spring that has no limit to how much it’s compressed.” The stylist stared at Zhang Yixing as

well.

“Out of all of them, he’s the one with the most responsibility. Or, in other words, in that circle, no

matter what, he can’t leave his Chinese friends,” the stylist said. “If he gets left alone in a Korean

circle, he’ll close up on himself.”

The assistant remained silent without commenting.

“Always polite and meek, focused on his work.” The stylist smiled softly. “Reminds me of another

one of their sunbaes.”

The assistant looked into the stylist’s eyes.

“The only reason a spring can continue to be compressed without limit is because it still hasn’t hit

the limit yet,” the stylist said. “But if it continues like this, it’ll be hit soon.”

“You’ve only been with them for two months, how do you know what his limit is?” the assistant said.

“What do you think? For a dancer.” The stylist chuckled. “He’s not like Kris. The day he learns to say

no, is probably the day he leaves.”

Shaking her head, the stylist crossed her arms in front of her chest. “Ahh, we’re really just talking

about nothing here. They’ll choose their own paths.”

The stylist looked at those familiar yet unfamiliar youths, just like all the other young idols she’d

met in her line of work. They came from different countries and they all had different paths, yet

they all gathered together on the stage for the same reason, and in the future, they would all slowly

scatter for different reasons.

The only thing that would never change was the unending need for a fresh stage and the unending

enthusiasm of the fans in front of the stage. Some leave, and some come, just like the ones on stage –

as some leave, some come.

What also never changed was her daily work – prettying up group after group of idols, watching as

their youth fades to age, as youthful enthusiasm morphs to undisguisable exhaustion. God’s wand

really was both wondrous and cruel.

As cruel as it was wonderful.

Walking forward, she handed Chanyeol a large towel and pointed at him and Kris. “Dry your hair.

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Don’t catch a cold.”

“Ah, thank you!” Chanyeol said, taking the towel.

“I’m fine, stop looking at me like that.” Yixing smiled as he looked at the two pairs of eyes that

hadn’t left him for a quarter of an hour, before turning to Kris. “You’re completely soaked, aren’t

you cold?”

“You’re good at worrying about other people,” Lu Han said cheerily, looking at Yixing before turning

to glance at Kris. He took off one of the two shirts he was wearing, and tossed it over to Kris.

“You want me to wear this?” Kris looked at the shirt in his hand, and laughed at Lu Han.

Lu Han slowly turned back and narrowed his eyes at him. “No, I want you to wipe your mouth.”

Kris ducked his head and chuckled, before slowly putting it on. “A bit small, Lu Han.”

Lu Han silently counted to himself, barely keeping himself from exploding. “Then go ahead and put

on your wet clothes.” To the side, Yixing laughed.

“Ah jeez, I can’t stand it. At a time like this and you’re still…” Tao shook his head as he took off the

sweater he was wearing, before tossing it to Kris.

Kris held both shirts in hand. He looked at Yixing, smiling in front of him with his dimple showing,

Lu Han who wouldn’t pay him any attention at all, and Taozi, who’d walked off to stand by the

window, already lost in thought…

Maybe, this was as good a place to draw the finish line as any.

He tossed Tao’s sweater to Chanyeol and gesturing for him to change before draping Lu Han’s shirt

against Yixing’s waist, while he himself sat there in his wet clothes, shivering from the cold as he

laughed.

Outside, night had fallen and the air was cold. Last time. Good luck, Lu Han.

-

The sound of the shutter went from being rapid and many in number to slowly becoming few, until

it finally, hesitantly stopped.

“That’s enough.” The grandfather clock on the wall sounded 11, and from beside them, came the

sound of quiet orders and the sound of putting the lens away.

Lu Han’s head felt heavy. He closed his eyes, leaning his head against that familiar shoulder, and in

the silence, only the sound of their heavy breathing remained.

Behind them were the sounds of putting away the camera and packing their bags . When they

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passed by, that person said, “sorry for the inconvenience, just take it as a mandatory acting class. Oh,

and it’s best if you don’t contact the police, it’s for your own good.” As they brushed past them, an

unknown perfume slipped through the air.

The people filed out, and after the sound of the car door opening came the sound of one set of

footsteps returning. They tossed their cellphones to them, saying at the same time, “call your

friends, take care.” And then, the two cars drove away.

Fighting for his last shred of awareness, Lu Han sat frozen on the floor, while Kris hugged his

shoulders next to him. A cellphone was turned on and then weakly ran out of battery. Kris turned

and picked up the other cellphone, but while he was turning it on, Lu Han grabbed it and threw it

out into the rain.

“Lu Han, what’re you doing?” Kris hurried out the room to retrieve the phone, and entered in the

code.

“Kris…” Lu Han reached out towards him and shook his head, but Kris was already calling him,

saying those all too familiar words to the person on the other end of the line.

Struggling upright, Kris staggered over to the door. Standing under the eaves with his back to the

rain, he sent the text.

Kris turned, looking at Lu Han who was somehow just by his feet, hurriedly stuffing the phone into

his pocket before carrying Lu Han back into the room. “Okay, okay. Yixing’ll be here soon.”

Shaking his head hurriedly, Lu Han clung to Kris’s sleeve. “You’ll feel better soon,” Kris said. He

pressed a hand against his forehead and piled all the clothes they had onto Lu Han, telling him to lie

on his legs.

Watching the seconds tick by on the wall, Lu Han felt like he was too close to slipping into slumber.

“It’s fine.” Without knowing what he was doing wrong, Kris held onto him. “If those pictures are

released, I’ll explain.”

Lu Han said nothing, staring blankly ahead.

“Don’t be scared.” Kris smoothed back Lu Han’s hair. “I’ll keep you out of it.” He looked at the still

silent Lu Han, and felt the other’s scalding forehead again.

“Is my hand cold?” Kris said.

Lu Han nodded, clinging to the other’s arm.

Kris placed his other hand over his burning hand, and looked at him. “If you like it, then I’ll leave it

there forever.”

Leave it there forever, but pretend that I don’t know.

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By the time Yixing hurried over, the rain was falling fiercely.

He draped the jacket he’d brought over Lu Han and handed his own jacket to Kris. Yixing bent down

to help Lu Han up, and wanted to help him into the left side of the back seat of the taxi, but Lu Han’s

hand clung to the handle of the door, his hand shaking.

“Sit at the back, I get carsick,” he said, smiling at Yixing.

Yixing looked at him – Lu Han with his face flushed from alcohol – and hesitated, before he helped

Lu Han over to the passenger’s seat. Lu Han got into the car and sat down, and as he watched the

two of them through the rear view mirror, an indescribable calm relaxed through in his mind.

Kris’s head was bowed as he got in on the left. Yixing shut the door with a click before circling the

car and getting in through the right. Lu Han tapped gently against the glass between him and the

driver.

“Back to the city,” he said cheerily.

I know that we can never get back what we’ve lost. But what I can do is pay for everyone’s

insurance.

Yixing, the compensation for this insurance, is your life.

The rain beat fiercely against the windows of the car, the windshield wiper sweeping back and forth

non-stop. Kris leaned forward and glanced at Lu Han. “Could you drive a little faster, driver?” he

said.

“What exactly happened?” Yixing turned to look at Kris.

“Nothing much, I’ll tell you when we get back.” Kris dragged a hand across his own face, looking up

and out the window.

“Yixing.” Lu Han leaned against the seat as he turned around, taking off the string of Buddhist

prayer beads off his wrist. “This…belongs to you.”

Taking the beads, Yixing froze for a few seconds. “You don’t want to wear it anymore?”

“You’re the owner,” Lu Han chuckled. “If anyone else wears it, it doesn’t work.”

Yixing took the beads and looked down. Lu Han smiled and put the prayer beads back onto his wrist,

and turned to look at Kris.

“Hey.” He raised his limp hand and snapped his fingers.

Kris looked at him and leaned in. Across from him, Lu Han’s smile was a little blurry.

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“We did it,” Lu Han chuckled.

“What did you say?” Kris stared at him doubtfully, gently clasping his hand.

“We did it,” Lu Han said quietly by his ear, and then pulled his hand out of Kris’s grasp.

Sitting properly in his seat, the green light in front of him was swept away by the windshield wipers.

The intersection got closer and closer, and on the right, was that truck, parked there waiting for

them.

He looked out at the real world on the other side of the window; the sound of the rain was a

deafening, majestic overture, and at the same time, seemed to carry a regretful coda. This overture

and coda played nonstop through his life, and in this moment, it was finally playing the final piece.

He closed his eyes as snapshots sprung unbridled through his memories, too many faces and too

many moments exploded in his mind – some he remembered, some he was fuzzy about, and some

he no longer cared about at all.

In that moment, what he heard was an almost mournful dirge, but it was as if he felt no pain at all,

as everything passed in a flash.

He walked out of the car, already bent out of shape against the tree. Lu Han looked at the people in

the car and everything around him. The passenger door of the truck was open, and there was no

one in the driver’s seat.

After a long while, cars finally started to stop as people hurried over to investigate and call the

police. The shrill call of the ambulance was just as familiar as he remembered, as Yixing, sitting on

the right side of the backseat and him in the passenger’s seat were both dug out and placed on

stretchers, but his own stretcher quickly decreed his fate.

Kris, what’s wrong with you? Don’t stop the doctors from doing their job.

What a familiar scene. But, thank goodness, this time, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.

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Chapter 14

Kris opened his eyes. He turned slowly, glancing at the stone cliff and the phone and money in his

hand.

“Lu Han!” He stood up and yelled, but only the shrill cry of the birds in the air answered him.

“Lu Han!!” He looked everywhere, stricken with panic, but no matter how hard he looked, he

couldn’t find a single shred of that person’s existence.

Doubled over, he sucked in deep breaths, coughing violently. Strength seeped out of his body as he

sank to his knees. Tears dripped uncontrollably from his eyes to fall against the floor, mixing with

the dirt and mingling with the dust.

Slowly, he lay down, fingers gripping gently against the mud and the weeds…

As if he was gripping that person’s hand.

It’s alright, I’ll take care of everything. Trust me. I’ll always be the best partner you’ve ever had,

even if I’m the only one left.

It’s just that I need some time…so please, don’t look down on me.

-

Yixing stared at the nails that Kris had strewn across the room. Lu Han’s white iPhone lay by his feet,

the same phone that he’d been in search of for ages, but hadn’t been able to find.

“I need some time alone,” Kris said, and closed the door in Yixing’s face.

He opened the photo album in the phone; the last picture had been taken today, Lu Han’s birthday.

It was a photo of a beautiful and familiar forest, and in the corner, there was that red arrow and Lu

Han’s shoe.

“Yixing, if I ever want to come back to this place again, no matter what, you have to stop me.”

In his mind, the scattered threads surfaced here and there; the covered body on the stretcher from

a month ago, the prayer beads that had ultimately been returned to him, and that pair of shoes that

could no longer be found.

Slowly walking back to his room, Yixing picked up the brochure that had been tossed aside a month

ago. The mountain scene depicted on it was just as magnificent as it had been. He turned on the

computer, and retracing Lu Han’s steps, found that same path and webpage.

Next to the detailed description was a spectacular photo of that stone cliff and the detailed route

map. Yixing scrolled down to the very bottom:

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Last update: Clown, March 17, 2013.

-

In the moonlit room, Clown smiled softly at Lu Han. “You’re back.”

“I didn’t have to knock this time. I came straight in.” Lu Han turned around to look at the locked

door.

“That’s right. You’ve already paid the admission price.” Clown looked at him and handed him a ring

of keys. “Thank you for relieving me, my successor. From today, you are now Clown.”

“These keys can only open the door when someone knocks,” Clown said. “See, that bright hallway

over there is a place where time is greatly blurred. As long as the one you’ve locked onto isn’t

further than 60 days forward or back, I can open the door for the you from any time. This is why,

even though I’ve already experienced March 17, I could still open the door for the March 17th you.”

Clown pointed at the door behind Lu Han, which had already closed.

“This is a bright room, and it’s also a white prison. Your job is to lure your successor step by step

into this trap, until the end of their lives. Otherwise, you will never be free,” Clown said, looking at

Lu Han.

“You will have only one chance to assume the face and voice of a stranger and return to the past to

plan for the future. This is also your one and only chance to lure in your successor. Listen to me.

Don’t waste it,” Clown said. “Ah, and perhaps your successor has already appeared.” He pointed to

the telescope as he spoke; in it, Yixing was carrying a backpack and carefully counting out change

for a bus ticket.

“Who are you?” Lu Han said calmly.

“I’m…” Clown ducked his head and chuckled. “To you, perhaps, I’m only a stranger.” He glanced at

Lu Han. “I’m your sunbae. Really.” He chuckled, as if he were joking. “It’s just that I wasn’t able to

debut; none of us were able to debut.”

They had been unable to debut, and gradually, they grew old. In order to eat, they began doing work

for the company, the sort that had to be kept secret. As these things increased in frequency, they

slowly became used to this sort of life.

Such as waiting in a restaurant on a rainy night; such as a picture of an otherwise unremarkable

kiss.

He turned off the camera. “Sorry for the inconvenience, just take it as a mandatory acting class.” He

walked to the car and tossed his phone in, before grabbing the jackets and walking back to that

wooden hut. “Put on your clothes.” He glanced at the sorry state Lu Han was in before speaking to

Kris.

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He started the car and hit a number on speed dial, a familiar voice coming through from the other

end of the line.

“Hyung? I’ve been waiting at the dorm for a while, but the two of them still haven’t shown up,” Yun

said, staring at Yixing who was waiting by the door. “But that LAY’s been standing outside the entire

time.”

“Stop waiting, they got into my car,” he said. “We’re done.”

“Will they tell the police?” Yun asked.

“Probably not.” He glanced at the backseat. “Both their phones are in my car. Get a car to come pick

them up, otherwise they won’t be able to get back. Hail a taxi, don’t use a company car, just say

you’re doing this for a friend. Give them some money and drop them off anywhere as soon as you’re

in the city.”

“Ok,” Yun said. “Hyung, you seem to sympathize with them a lot. You did take the pictures, right?”

“Alright, that’s enough,” he smiled quietly at the phone. “Hurry up,” he said, and hung up.

Clown stared peacefully at that blinding door. “I think, if it weren’t for the fact that he was burned,

he should’ve been able to debut.” He turned to look at Lu Han as he spoke. “Why am I telling you all

this? You probably don’t care.”

“Go ahead,” Lu Han chuckled. “Anyway, it’s just the two of us here.”

Yun’s car accident that night was something that he and his partner couldn’t change, no matter how

many times they tried, before he finally managed to change their roles, that very last time. Sitting in

that taxi, going to pick them up, he’d felt an incomparable calm. When he’d walked out of that

crumpled car, he’d run to that perplexing ending, that open passenger door of the truck.

Rain poured from the heavens, and the windshield of the truck was also blurry and unclear.

A familiar yet unfamiliar back was leaving further and further. “Clown?” he said, his lips slightly

parted, but the person in front of him never turned back.

“As I said, you have one last chance where you can wear a stranger’s face and voice and change the

past to make plans for the future, just as my predecessor did, and just as the me at that time did.” He

silently regarded Lu Han. “What you experienced the first time was also what I arranged that last

time.”

He’d already forgotten how he’d managed to call over the him who hadn’t yet left into that alleyway,

to ask for a light but had instead, given a punch. He’d yanked off the jade around the unconscious

person’s neck, changed into the drenched clothes and put on the hat, and in the shadows of

darkness, had gotten onto that fated black Buick for the very last time.

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“Call your friends, take care.” He’d changed the script, and changed the things he’d thrown back.

“Sorry, I used Zhang Yixing’s death to replace Yun and to replace myself, even if that me no longer

has anything to do with myself.” Clown looked at the door.

He still remembered the last farewell of that night.

“It’s all here.” He’d stuffed that jade pendant – a symbol which represented peace yet hung on a

broken string – into the camera bag, and passed it through the car window to Yun, sitting in the

other car. “Take care of yourself.”

“Why is your voice so strange?” In the dark, Yun couldn’t see the other person very clearly. “We’re

already done, why are you still wearing your mask?”

“Ah…it’s nothing.” He pulled his head a little further into the shadows. “I’m going to buy a pack of

cigarettes,” he said, and opened the car door and walked out.

“Good bye.” His back faced him as he spoke.

Yun stared at the him who’d already gone into the super market strangely. “What’s the point of

saying bye when you’re just going to get cigarettes?”

That person never came out from the supermarket, and after a few minutes, Yun got a call from the

hospital. “Your friend Sung is in the hospital, he has a concussion. Would it be possible for you to

come and pay the fees?”

“Hospital?” Yun frowned, as he stared at the supermarket.

He hung up and hurried into the supermarket, searching every nook and cranny, but no matter

what, there was no sign of anyone he knew.

Opening the washroom door, he looked down, and lying there quietly on the ground, was the mask.

-

Clown slowly walked towards that dazzling cliff.

“This time, whatever change you make will remain in history. Of course, it’s possible that it may be

affected by the things around you, by other people’s steps, and there may be small changes. But,

how long and to when you go back to this time is entirely up to us to decide. Do you still remember

that purple Samsung camera, and that badly printed brochure?” He chuckled as he watched Lu Han.

“See, this was a thing full of probability and coincidences, yet I managed to succeed. But isn’t life

made up of coincidences anyway?”

“Who was your partner?” Lu Han said. “Do I know them?”

“You should know him,” Clown smiled, as he looked at Lu Han. “Happy Time’s boss,” he said.

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Lu Han fell silent for a moment, before he slowly shook his head. “Where we went back to each time

was also set by you, wasn’t it?”

“I had my own set of rules to follow,” he said. “Such as, I’m unable to send you back to a time when

the two of you had yet to meet, and I had to send the guide back to a place where he could send the

follower back to the day of the event, at least twice.” He paused. “No, I shouldn’t say ‘I’. It’s you. You

are now Clown.”

“Come, choose the time you’d like to go back to.” Clown brushed away the numbers floating on the

screen and pointed at the adjustable timeline. “This time, you’ll land next to a familiar scene, but

please remember that you’re simply a stranger who does not exist, and you may not commit suicide

to replace your own death.”

Lu Han walked up to the screen, fiddling with the timeline, brimming with interest, before pushing

it offhandedly to the last day of 2011 and pointed at it.

“You’re sure you want to go back that far?” Clown said. “Is it a special day?”

“Not particularly,” Lu Han said, quirking his lips. “I just want to go back and visit.”

Clown looked at him. “This is your last chance.”

Lu Han slid his hands into his pockets. “I know,” he said, smiling. “I figured I’d go back and punch

Zhang Yixing a couple times, drop his IQ a bit. So he’ll follow along my plans a little better.” Lu Han

turned to look at him. “How do I go back?”

“Just tap on the door,” Clown said.

“Got it. Then, I’m off.” Lu Han walked towards that dazzling precipice.

“Lu Han.” Behind him, Clown called his name.

“Hm?” Amidst the light, Lu Han turned.

Clown paused. “Don’t blame me.” He looked up, and met Lu Han’s eyes.

Lu Han turned back to look at the cliff with all its blinding brightness. “There always has to be

someone here, right?” He smiled cheekily, before turning and walking out without looking back.

Lowering his head, Clown looked at that blinding cliff before putting the keys, perfume bottle, and

pen on the ground.

-

Standing on that busy road, Lu Han rubbed at his own face, hoping that he at least looked all right.

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Across the street, a group of youths crossed the street in a crowd. Even if they hadn’t debuted yet,

they shouldn’t act like this, he thought as he shook his head, especially that guy at the front, Lu Han.

Was he part of a gang or something?

They walked into a restaurant – one they often used to frequent.

Lu Han sat at a table in the corner, watching the group of people in front of him chatter loudly. He

dug out all the money he had from his pocket and counted it on the table, before flipping open the

beverage menu and perused it silently.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun had already finished deciding what to order almost as soon as they sat

down. Tao’s eyes were open wide as he tried desperately to understand their conversation in

Korean while Jongin leaned back against the seat, shooting down all of Baekhyun’s selections one

by one.

As for what he was doing…well, he was fiddling with his cellphone with Sehun, like usual.

Calling over a waitress, Lu Han pointed at the beverage menu. “Open a bottle of champagne for

them, say it’s to celebrate,” he said quietly. “Just give it the tall gentleman over there.” He pointed at

Kris.

“To celebrate what?” The waitress’s demeanor was warm and soothing.

“To celebrate…” Lu Han was at a loss for words. “To celebrate a big event of theirs next year,” he

said carefully.

“Alright,” the waitress said, smiling. “And for yourself?”

“Me?” Lu Han flipped randomly through the menu, as he quickly calculated how much money he’d

have left after buying the champagne. “I’ll just…have a glass of water, please.”

The waitress paused for a second before she smile. “Alright, it’ll be a moment.”

After a few minutes, the waitress carried a bottle of champagne towards Kris. She pointed towards

Lu Han’s corner, and said something into his ear. Turning, Kris looked at Lu Han in the distance.

“Shall I open it now?” the waitress asked.

“Not yet,” Kris said.

“Kris hyung, what’s wrong?” Chanyeol asked.

“That man over there wants to open a bottle of wine for us,” Kris said, turning around.

Sitting next to Sehun, Lu Han swung his legs. “There’s been more and more strange people lately,”

he said.

“This isn’t cheap.” Jongin inspected the bottle.

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“We should probably tread carefully with this sort of thing,” Joonmyun said. “This is a sensitive

time.”

Yixing turned back to look at that stranger in the corner. “He seems a little sad,” he said quietly. “He

only ordered a glass of water for himself.”

Beside him, Lu Han swatted him on the head. “This is why you keep getting chased by strange guys,

just eat your own food.”

Kris called a waitress over. “How much is this wine?” Kris asked.

The waitress gave him a number.

Kris thought for a moment before he spoke. “Please thank that gentleman for us, we greatly

appreciate his kindness. This bottle hasn’t been opened yet, return it to him for us, please.”

“This…” the waitress said awkwardly. “Don’t make things too difficult for us.”

Kris smiled as he waved his hand, before glancing behind him. He stood and walked over.

Sitting in the corner, Lu Han began to fidget nervously for no reason.

“Hello,” Kris said politely, holding out his hand.

“Hello.” Lu Han’s palms were drenched in a cold sweat, as he shook hands with him.

“This is the wine you asked to be delivered to us?” Kris sat down.

Nodding, Lu Han brushed a hand against the beautiful bottle. “It is. Champagne.” He glanced warmly

but briefly at Kris. “Something to drink when you’re happy.”

Kris fell silent for a long moment as he regarded the person in front of him. “Thank you for your

kindness. Your name is…?”

Lu Han stared at him, suddenly at a loss for words. “Ahh, I…” he stammered. “I, I have no name.”

“Then sir, thank you for your kindness. We’d wanted to open a bottle of similar value for you, but

we didn’t bring that much money.” Kris ducked his head and chuckled. “We’d like to return this to

you, but, thank you.”

Lu Han froze, before he smiled at the table. “You’re welcome,” he said.

“Then…sorry for the interruption.” Kris stood up and smiled at him again, before turning around

and walking back to his table.

Smiling, he finished his glass of water before hailing the waitress. “The bill, please.” He pushed all

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the money on the table towards her.

“Your water doesn’t cost that much,” the waitress said awkwardly.

“This wine…I’m buying it.” Lu Han let slip a smile, hoping it was as sweet and lovely as it used to be,

before standing up with the champagne.

Standing at the entrance, he turned to look one last time at that table full of people. For some reason,

even though Kris had been bent over his food, he looked up towards him, past the staff and

customers weaving nonstop between them.

His hair was messy. Kris watched as that stranger smiled and gestured towards him. A waiter

walked past him, and when he looked again, that person had already disappeared, and by the door,

that unopened bottle of champagne had been placed.

“Something to drink when you’re happy.” Kris walked slowly to the entrance and bent down to pick

up that bottle of champagne, as if some force was tugging him forward. He looked silently out the

door where the streets bustled with people, and there was an endless stream of cars.

So many people came and went, but among them, he couldn’t find a single face that he knew.

-

When he returned to that room, Clown was no longer there, and only a ring of keys, a pen, and a

perfume bottle were left on the floor. No, that wasn’t quite right. Clown was still there, because he

was Clown.

Walking to the telescope, Lu Han saw that old friend of his scrambling up the mountain. He was

searching for something in the forest, and after a few minutes, he finally re-emerged with a hammer

in hand, the same hammer that he’d thrown in.

He looked around dumbly, and took a nail out from his pocket. Walking along that red arrow, his

old friend gave it a try, and after a moment, he’d slid down in slumber.

Red words flashed on the screen, reminding Lu Han that it was time for him to choose a time for

that person’s first ignorant journey. The corners of his lips quirked slightly as Lu Han slid the

timeline to September 17th, 2012.

-

It was as if he’d been dropped roughly into his seat. Applause surrounded him as the person beside

him hugged him, his eardrums exploding with sound. “Oi, stupid, let’s go!” Beside him, Lu Han

pushed him forward, and dazedly, Yixing was dragged on stage.

The host spoke those familiar lines, and the screen played the same moving MV he’d already seen.

Tao’s eyes were incredibly red, as in front of the stage, the members of K waved and cheered at

them raucously.

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Kris said a few things, Lu Han said a few things, and the award was handed to him.

He bowed his head as he stared at the very first award they’d ever won. Yixing looked up, and with

damp eyes, stared at a point somewhere above his head…

Lu Han, is that you?

“It’s your turn.” Kris clasped his shoulder and Lu Han shoved him forward from the back. Staring at

the microphone in front of him, the host yelled for everyone to quiet down.

Facing the microphone, Yixing stood silently.

Lu Han, are you listening?

Yixing looked up, staring at nothing in the distance as he smiled.

“I’ve never thought of myself as a smart person, and there’s a lot of things I don’t notice, and can’t

guess.” He clasped the award in his hands.

“But, I’m definitely a very lucky person.” He smiled, as he looked down. “The luckiest thing in my life

isn’t debuting, or becoming famous, rather, it’s somehow managing to meet all of you.” He stared at

that spot in the distance.

“If I had another chance, I would still go to Korea in 2008,” he said, smiling. “I would still wait for

you all at the same place. No matter how hard things are, as long as you’re by my side, I’m happy.”

The people beside him rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.

“If I had another chance…” He bowed his head, voice trembling. “I would definitely exhaust my

strength…”

He said the last sentence so quietly, that he was probably the only one heard.

“Exhaust my strength, to have you come back to our side.”

-

The brightly lit room was exactly the same as it had been a month ago. On the other side of the

white door, someone staggered over, the sound of their footsteps uneven.

“Dong dong dong!” He knocked on the door.

“Dong dong dong!” He called out hesitantly. “Is anyone there?”

Sitting on this side of the door, Lu Han held the silver key in his hand. Staring at that blinding

precipice in front of him, it was as if he’d sank into a beautiful dream.

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“Is anyone there?” Outside, that person was sprawled beside the door.

“Dong dong dong!” He continued to knock against the door.

“There’s a small door to your left,” Lu Han said calmly. “It’s unlocked. Just leave through there.”

There was a moment of silence, and fast on its heels was another flurry of frantic knocks. “Lu Han!

Are you there? Open the door!!”

He lowered his brows. “I’m not Lu Han,” the person on this side of the door said. “My name is Clown.”

“No.” The one on the other side of the door repeated what he’d figured out. “You are Lu Han. You

can’t trick me.”

Lu Han blinked, smiling as he shook his head. “If you want to save Lu Han, then go out through that

door, and he’ll be alive.”

On the other side, that person hesitated. “Really?”

Lu Han chuckled, toying with the key in his hand. “Of course it’s real.”

“Lu Han…” That person leaned his forehead against the other side of the door. “Open the door,

please…I want to see you…”

“I’m not Lu Han, and I don’t have the key.” On this side, Lu Han rested his head against the door.

Looking down, what he saw was a string of beads being shoved through the crack under the door.

“Do you still remember these beads? After you come back, give them back to me yourself.” The

person outside spoke earnestly. “If you’re tricking me, I’ll come again and again. I already know the

way here.”

Lu Han brushed his fingers against those beads and didn’t say a word.

Outside, that person was silent for a long moment. “I miss you,” he said, leaning back against the

door.

I understand. Lu Han smiled as he sat on the floor, fiddling with his new toy.

“We all miss you.” Yixing’s tears fell against the spotless floor. “You have to come back.”

Lu Han sat on the floor, smiling as he nodded, a single tear dripping soundlessly from the corner of

his eye.

Outside, Yixing slowly walked towards that small door, kneading his bloodshot eyes. He looked

back. “Goodbye. We’re waiting for you,” he said quietly.

He waited for an answer, but there was none. Turning back, he walked out through that small door.

Outside, it was silent.

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The cheap beads in his hand slid slowly to the floor. Inside the door, the boy who sat there tipped

his head back, and finally let his tears flow freely.

Forgive me, I didn’t want to say goodbye…

Because, I know that this time, it’s forever.

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Epilogue

The boy sat on the ground, wretched, his clothes in slight disarray, his head resting against the wall

behind him. He laughed, unable to suppress it any longer.

Not far above his head was a small and delicate, yet long and thin telescope, its lens pointed

towards a scene that no photographer would ever let go; a towering stone wall, a lovely blue sky

dotted with white clouds.

But the telescope wasn’t directed towards that, instead, it was focused on the tangle of mud and

weeds in the cracks of the stone wall that no one would ever notice, and among those weeds, were a

dense array of nails hammered into the wall.

A boy was standing by the wall, unrelenting in his efforts. The nails which were remnants of his

attempts were scattered as he tried different places, different distances between each nail. The

birds that soared through the sky called out to this frequent visitor they’d come to know, as if in

tribute to his efforts.

The sun shone down on his youthful forehead as the wind slipped by his face, exposing the beauty

of both nature and life. A drop of sweat trickled down from his forehead. With a nail in hand, he

took two weary steps back as he surveyed the stone wall, riddled with thousands of scars. On the

ground, the red arrow was blurred and indistinct from the rain and repeated footsteps.

The boy sitting on the ground couldn’t stop himself, the back of his head pressed against the wall as

he guffawed with laughter—perhaps there was a tinge of hoarseness in that sound, but who knows.

After who knew how long, although there was probably no one who cared how long it was, he

seemed to tire, and so, the sound of laughter stopped and the room gradually regained its former

silence.

“Idiot.” He shut his eyes. “What’re you doing, still hammering nails?”

He laughed quietly, as a drop of something trickled down his face, the key in his hand following the

path of that drop, as they both fell quietly to the ground.

He looked at that blindingly bright cliff that he couldn’t leave through, as the memories that

belonged to that person called Lu Han swam dimly in front of his eyes. Even if they weren’t

important, at least he could use them to pass some time, while he was bored…

Such as when one lonely morning, he dug out a crumpled sheet of paper from a jacket pocket. On it,

a well-marked draft was scrawled. As for that letter at the bottom of the music box – even if he

didn’t open it, it wasn’t like he didn’t know what it said.

Such as one happy evening, when someone at the table scrawled a bunch of letters on the table, half

drunk and using their finger dipped in wine, and someone beside them shook his head unsatisfied,

and dipping his finger in the wine, crossed out the second of the two repeated Ls, and beside it,

wrote a Y.

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Such as one night, under the moonlight, the wind had blown away the pebbles to reveal a small deer

drawn on the ground, the clumsy lines labelling it as the work of someone with no artistic talent,

and the only thing he could understand in that picture, was that the deer was smiling.

Such as, those things that no one in this world knew of but him…

On that last rainy evening, in that small wooden hut, his head was pillowed against that person’s

legs as he pulled that person’s ice cold hand away from his forehead.

Slowly turning his head, he pressed a kiss against the back of that person’s hand.

Startled eyes looked down at him from above, but he wasn’t flustered in the slightest. It’s fine, the

you over there will never know, because here, there’s only the two of us.

“I’m drunk, don’t mind me.” He smiled, his lashes brushing softly against the back of his hand.

That person looked at him, and as to what words were hidden in his eyes, he didn’t know.

He paused for a moment, before that person bent down and slowly turned his face with his hand.

“I’m drunk too,” he said, before he pressed a kiss against his lips.

“Don’t give me a chance to start, because I won’t be able to stop.”

Do tattoos hurt? he wanted to ask in what little time was left.

But, he’d forgotten, that the one who’d gotten the tattoo was the him on the other side, and the two

of them would probably never meet again.

Do you regret it? In the ice cold dampness of the air, he turned to look at the door.

I don’t regret it ; I did what I never dared to do in my entire life.

-

[Kris:]

Lately, I find that I talk to myself a lot, but when there are people nearby, I always go back to normal.

That’s good. That means that I’m still normal, I’m still working normally, resting normally, living

normally, just like you wanted.

Lately, I find myself paying attention to the smallest details around me. Like that stray dog that’s

always following me around, or the pigeon that’s staring at me right now, not moving a step. Like

that stranger who’d just turned that corner and smiled at me…I actually smiled at them too.

They could all be you, is what I’m thinking.

Yixing’s been busy lately, always running off by himself to the mountains. He’s cute, carrying his

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hammer and nails. You told me about that small door before, so I know he can’t manage to do much.

But, don’t worry; I’ll take care of the fruits of our labour properly.

Even though there’s just me left.

I think it’s hard to call this a happy story, even though that’s what we were working so hard

towards. The audience bought tickets for a comedy, but under the painted face, the clown is crying.

You know too, there are times that don’t go as planned, and that can’t be helped.

Do you regret it, dear? If you can still hear me.

I don’t regret it, I lived, following my heart and following you. Those scattered, skipping memories

are enough to accompany me for the short future ahead of me.

Do words that were never spoken simply not exist?

They will always exist, even after we disappear and no longer know each other. The will always

exist on this beautiful planet. Perhaps they’ll be passed on to two youths who don’t know each other,

or perhaps they’ll be passed on to someone who is watching this comedy. Perhaps, it will truly

become a comedy.

What importance do we have, then? To be remembered, to be forgotten, to sit on the dusty shelves

in the memory of people we don’t know. This is our fortune, and it’s also our destiny.

Actually, we’ve already completed millions of steps, in the memories of strangers.

So, we shouldn’t feel bad. I think that day will eventually come.

That day when, in the middle of a step, we can make those strangers understand, that when they

take off their masks, they can finally begin to live for themselves.

-- The End.

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Outtake (Author’s POV): Doors

Clown bought a bottle of champagne and let everyone walk free, yet locked himself in on the other

side of the door. Only being able to face one’s self isn’t necessarily a sort of freedom. He was finally

able to take off his own mask.

At that guest door across from that blinding cliff, did you faintly see the you in that room? The you

who would sometimes look through telescope at those around you, the you who tapped against

countless doors, yet couldn’t tap open that door in your heart.

These 80,000 words are the coda to a long and winding story, and in this coda, Lu Han used his

perhaps not particularly formidable strength to draw the period at the end of this story.

The things we don’t know are many.

But, there are some things we do know, such as:

Counting backwards, the third Clown left with us his back as he walked away from the driver’s seat

of the truck. Wearing a stranger’s face, he went back and struck that taxi and killed Yun, and he also

struck out his successor, Sung. The blurry events of that rainy night were left forever in the annals

of history, as that taxi with its ever changing passengers hurtled to its fate again and again.

Counting backwards, the second clown, the one who led them to the wooden hut, Sung. He threw

back those two phones, and opened for us the first chapter of this story. He is yet another person

who took each step as he wore a mask. He saved Yun, but in the end, could only stand with his back

facing him as he said goodbye.

And as for the last Clown, Lu Han, after experiencing three both hysterical and calm steps, finally

decided to use what little life he had left to exchange it for an insurance against the immense

payment that he and Kris had given up yet had no way to redeem. Just like Sung who had gotten

into that taxi for the last time, this was all an insurance fraud. Yet, in that moment when a person

grasps themselves, success often isn’t as difficult as it seems.

Huang Zitao said, “it wasn’t anyone’s fault.” If you can understand Kris and Lu Han in the story, then

you should also be able to understand Sung’s sacrifices, the friendship under the bright lights of the

boss of the popular Happy Time, and even the helplessness of that truck driver who left us with

only his retreating back in the rain.

Or, perhaps even more, that moment when Lu Han sat in the passenger’s seat and that moment

when he let the key fall to the floor, what you can see are the things he says with his actions – that

in this world, it isn’t only love that drives one to charge on recklessly.

And, for someone who truly loves you, just because you sacrificed your own love, it doesn’t mean

that they will ever stop loving you.

Every single person might have had a time when they begged for something. This terrifying loop

isn’t the result of some evil’s mischief – rather, it is a game that only exists because of these pleas.

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The ups and downs of life are full of probability, and every fork in the road is a once in a lifetime

choice with no chance of turning back – yet, the you that picks the wrong road has no way to know

whether something important awaits you at the next intersection. Not being able to see the forest

for the trees is the unavoidable fate that exists for us who cannot stand from God’s perspective. The

forever that we see is only the shadow of a polyhedron, projected against the wall. We who have no

way to take a step will never know the details hidden in the corners of history, nor will we ever see

the truck, parked at the next intersection. After climbing up to the next floor of the building, when

you turn your head to look at the winding way you came, perhaps what you’ll find is that in reality,

every step you took is what casted you into the you of right now.

The people around you might be smarter than you think, sometimes. There’s only one reason why

they might play dumb – it’s because they love you.

If you see your parents back down in the middle of an argument with you, if you see the friends you

spend every day with only toss you a bag of pistachios on your birthday, if the loved one you spend

day in and day out with never says that word “love” to you…

Don’t blame them, because, at the most crucial time, they might be the people who can give up

everything for you.

But, like the Zhang Yixing in the story who was not so fortunate, perhaps, you and I also will never

get such a chance to examine this sort of love in our entire lives. So we have novels, we have movies,

the yearning of mankind for this beautiful ending – we’re willing to cry for these imaginary people,

yet in reality, we wipe away our tears again and again.

In this comedy, there are no Happy Endings and there are no Bad Endings, just like in most of our

lives, ending at a place we never expected, at a place we hadn’t been hoping for. If you are still

hammering in nails under the gaze of the telescope, please don’t stop. A person who has nails and

can continue to work hard at nailing in the nails is happy – to be told that the nails will never work

is the true despair. If you look at it from a distance, isn’t almost everyone on this earth hammering

in nails nonstop? And we’re still all living happily, right?

-

A final note:

From the end of August to the start of December, these few months have become an unforgettable

and beautiful memory, and once again, I’d like to bow and thank everyone for your support. This is

the second story, and it’s also the last story. From here on, I will continue to watch you all from afar,

and wish for your success, and that you’ll find your own happiness and freedom.

I’ll be leaving from that small door on the left now. Smile.

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Translator's Note:

Um.

Okay I want to write something deep and profound about how I'm deeply honoured to have been

able to work with such a beautiful piece and to have the trust placed in me to interpret and

translate this from one language into another, and about how the translation was my baby for the

two months or so I worked on it, or about how much sweat and tears (mostly just tears) went into

it...but I'm not very eloquent! Please direct your admiring comments to the author instead! (I am

fairly sure she understand English!)

I fully intend to release an edited PDF version, but it might be a few days late so hang in there! I

know I promised a few people I'd release it together with the epilogue, but clearly that didn't

happen but it will come! I'd like to thank everyone who listened to me whine and whinge and

complain (and stop me from writing phrases like "Go out with me!" and "soul freeing experiences"

and uncloakable). And Jay who made the first half of this not suck and June the latter bit and I will

have more to say re: lovely editors later.

This is the PDF version! Thank you so much to all my editors: Amy, Jay, Jo, June. Seriously. Thank

you so much for poring over this, when I had lost the patience to! Also thank you to Yun for

cheering me on ;~; Without you, this would still be rolling around on Chapter 1 as I scream

obscenities at the screen…

Um what else. I cried a lot for this fic; while reading, while translating. I'm really sorry for anything

that didn't carry through - sorry to the readers, and sorry to the author (if you ever read this!) ;~; I

know I could have done better, for which I'm also sorry about. This ended up being ~61k in English

and 158 pages in Microsoft Word. All I can say is that this translation project is longer than any fic

I've managed to write in the past...year...

ALSO! Thank you to all my sweet anons ♥ I am but a branch of the tree of life swaying nonchalantly

in the wind, but you gave me the encouragement and determination to start, and to continue! I'm

still surprised, and this, most of all, is for you.

- T, signing out.