Staying COOL When Our Buttons Are Being Pushedpluk.org/training/Handout_03_21_05.pdf · Staying COOL When Our Buttons Are Being Pushed Doug Cochran-Roberts, M.A., LPC ... THE EXPLOSIVE

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Staying COOL When Our Buttons Are Being Pushed

Doug Cochran-Roberts, M.A., LPCSchool Psychologist and Counselor

Corvallis Primary School

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BEWARE OF MY PASSION

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Let’s warm up the place

Please introduce yourself to your neighbor

Please share why you chose this workshop

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Staying Cool When Our Buttons Are Pushed

Understand the importance of emotional regulation

Know our story and the link to our buttons

Avoid control battles

Use the ‘time-in technique’

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First: EMOTIONAL REGULATION

Our focus will be on understanding and managing emotions - mine and my childAnd the link to misbehavior – In my child – And the buttons in me

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The Incredible 5-Point Scale –Assisting Students with Autism Spectrum Disorders in Understanding Social Interactions and Controlling Their Emotions by Kari Dunn Baron and Mitzi Curtis, Autism Asperger Publishing Co; www.asperger.net

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talkby Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Avon books, 1980)

Resources for Emotional Regulation

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Resources For Kids Who Meltdown A Lot and

Out-Of-Sync Kids

For Children Who Interventions Are Needed - Other Than Consequences

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RESOURCES – Understanding and Dealing with Meltdowns

THE EXPLOSIVE CHILD: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross Greene (HarperCollins, 2001)

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ASPERGER SYNDROME AND DIFFICULT MOMENTS: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage and Meltdowns by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick (Autism AspergerPublishing, 1999)

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RESOURCES – Understanding Sensory Integration Challenges

THE OUT-OF-SYNC CHILD:Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Integration Dysfunction by Carol Stock Kranowitz (The Berkley Publishing Group,1998)

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THE OUT-OF-SYNC CHILD Has Fun: Activities for Kids with Sensory Integration Dysfunction by Carol Stock Kranowitz (The Berkley Publishing Group, 2003)

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Second: KNOW MY STORY AND MY BUTTONS

Our focus will be on me and the importance of knowing ‘my story’ and the link to my shark music and my buttons, in order to be effective with kids or anyone

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PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT: how a deeper understanding can help you raise children who thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell(Penguin Putman, 2003)

THE CIRCLE OF SECURITY developed by the Marycliff Institute: Spokane, WA (Hoffman, Marvin, Powell and Cooper, 2002)

EMOTIONAL LITERACY: To Be a Different Kind of Smart by Rob Bocchino(Corwin Press, 1999)

Resources for Understanding Buttons

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Third: AVOID CONTROL BATTLES

Our focus will stay on us –how we can stay out of control battles with kids and get them to own and solve their problems

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Resources for Staying Out of Control Battles and

Getting Kids to Own and Solve Their Problems

Discipline with Love and Logic www.loveandlogic.com and 1.800.LUV-LOGIC

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When Ruptures Occur

Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What

Matters MostBy Stone, Patton and Heen

Penguin Books, 2000$10.50 at Amazon.com

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Fourth: USE THE ‘TIME-IN TECHNIQUE’

Our focus will be on our kids -how we can help our kids’ become more responsible by providing a ‘safe haven’ approach to discipline - called the ‘time-in technique’

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A Taste of the Workshop“Dad, my payment on the car is going to be $428!”

“Josh, hold still!”

“Bill, go to your room right now!”

“I think you are protecting your mom again.”

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WARNING For Some Us

This workshop may not be easy for some in the audience

To connect well with this material, we may experience some of our own story of dysfunction with our care-givers or our stories of loss or trauma

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WARNING Some Of Us

If these experiences are ‘left over’ or ‘unresolved’, we may become too ‘unregulated’ during the workshop

Consequently, we may struggle to benefit from the material

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WARNING Some Of Us

Please feel free to leave at any time or to leave for short periods of time and be with someone who feels safe

If things come up for you, please talk with a good friend, spouse or therapist who really listens and tries to ‘get it’

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First: EMOTIONAL REGULATION

Our focus will be on understanding and managing emotions - mine and my childAnd the link to misbehavior – In my child – And the buttons in me

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LOOKING AT MISBEHAVIOR???

Through the lens of GETTING

ATTENTION or TRYING TO CONTROL

Using reward and consequences to change behaviorsUsing time-out

Through the lens of THE NEED

FOR EMOTIONALREGULATION

Linking the child’s ‘emotional regulation’ with misbehavior Using our attachment to accomplish the ‘time-in’ technique

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Poor Emotional Regulation = the “internal swirl”

What is it like for our kids?Can it happen in adults? In us?Why is emotional regulation so important? To kids? To us?How do our kids get regulated?How do we get regulated?

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My Anxiety And My MisbehaviorOnly trying to survive

Batting down the hatches

On guard

Worry is always in the background

Calm

AS

MY

ANX I ETY

INCREACES

Lash out, tantrum, irrational thinking, withdrawn/spacey

Pester, argue, demanding, hyperactive, silent but around

Act spoiled and self-centered, doesn’t care about others

Over-active or under-active

Think better before reacting, listen better to an adult, share feelings and ask for what I need

MY

MISBEHAVIOR

INCREACES

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The Incredible 5-Point Scale

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What Do You Guess Can Make A Kid Unregulated?

Share with a partner

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How Do Kids Get Unregulated?

Brain-based reasonsSleep disturbance and hungerHard-wired and temperament challenges – poor impulse control and arousal system, social cognition and sensory integrationPoor early attachment experiences

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Limited social skills and unrealistic behavior expectations

Social skill deficits in the childInappropriate expectations on our partPoor advance notice for changePoor flexibility for change

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THE OUT-OF-SYNC CHILD:Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Integration Dysfunction by Carol Stock Kranowitz (The Berkley Publishing Group,1998)

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THE OUT-OF-SYNC CHILD Has Fun: Activities for Kids with Sensory Integration Dysfunction by Carol Stock Kranowitz (The Berkley Publishing Group, 2003)

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THE EXPLOSIVE CHILD: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross Greene (HarperCollins, 2001)

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ASPERGER SYNDROME AND DIFFICULT MOMENTS: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage and Meltdowns by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick (Autism AspergerPublishing, 1999)

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The behaviors of ADULTS

The limited skills in the child’s caregivers for their own emotional regulationAdults who set poor boundaries and inconsistent limits (discipline)

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Environmental stressorsChanges in the family structure or routinesChanges in school staff or school routinesFear of failure and poor confidence for a taskA loss and a grief response

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No adult that understands the Circle of Security and the Safe Haven Launching Pad

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LEARNING TO RIDE A BIKE in the movie “Frequency”

First scene

“I’m scared”.

“Don’t be scared”.

Second scene

“I’m scared”.“I know you are”.“We will do it together”.“I won’t let go until you tell me”.

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How Do Kids Get Unregulated?Not enough Emotional Regulation (Safe Haven)

Too few safe haven moments -eye contact, smiles, touch, and timeNo adult that “gets it” (resonance)Not having a chance to “use his words” and to “negotiate his needs”

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• Delight in me• Protect and comfort me• Help me organize my feelings• Help me negotiate my needs

CIRCLE OF SECURITYPARENT ATTENDING TO THE CHILD’S NEEDS

I need you to

Support My Exploration

Welcome My Coming To You

I need you to

• Watch over me• Delight in me• Help me• Enjoy with me

I need you to

I need you to

Always: be BIGGER, STRONGER,WISER, KIND.Whenever possible: follow my child’s need.

Whenever necessary: take charge.

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Watch the Circle of Security

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Emotional Regulation increases by “SAFE HAVEN” MOMENTS

Connections are best given through “delight in me” interactions, especially during reunions – Welcome my coming’ and ‘delight

in me’.– Eye contact and smiles, touch and

time.

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Emotional Regulation through DELIGHT IN ME

The power of the smile to regulate

Watch Zoe’s regulate with her ‘delight in me’ and ‘attunement’ (resonance)

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Emotional Regulation increases by SAFE HAVEN MOMENTS

When control battles occur, remember her cup may be empty. So after the discipline and they are calm again

– Attunement - active listening and matching their emotions

– Help them organize their feelings and negotiate their need(s)

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Safe Haven = RESONANCE

Organizing a child’s feelings comes from our capacity to resonate with his or her feelings

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Safe Haven Launching Pad

In order to be ready to learn, we can’t be too unregulatedAn unregulated child does not have effective access to part of her brain (cortex) which helps we memory, thinking and problem solvingHow do we help a child or youth become better regulated to maximize their learning capacity?

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LEARNING TO RIDE A BIKE in the movie “Frequency”

First scene

“I’m scared”.

“Don’t be scared”.

Second scene

“I’m scared”.“I know you are”.“We will do it together”.“I won’t let go until you tell me”.

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The Safe Haven Moment and Launching Pad

“What’s your number?“Because?”“What do you need?”

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The Incredible 5-Point Scale

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Emotional Regulation - Application

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SMALL GROUP ACTIVITY

Make a poster about emotional regulation to help you remember some of the importance concepts and or applications

You can use words, pictures and symbols

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Second: KNOW MY STORY AND MY BUTTONS

Our focus will be on me and the importance of knowing ‘my story’ and the link to my shark music and my buttons, in order to be effective with kids or anyone

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PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT: how a deeper understanding can help you raise children who thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell(Penguin Putman, 2003)

THE CIRCLE OF SECURITY developed by the Marycliff Institute: Spokane, WA (Hoffman, Marvin, Powell and Cooper, 2002)

EMOTIONAL LITERACY: To Be a Different Kind of Smart by Rob Bocchino(Corwin Press, 1999)

Resources for Understanding Buttons

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Buttons

Please share a button-pushing experience you had recently with your child or a student– “What pushed your

button”

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Keep An Eye On My Buttons

Know My StoryThe better I ‘know my story’, the better

I will be able to keep an eye on my

buttons

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ButtonsEveryone has themSome are very hard to avoidSome are very hard to control when they get pushedSometimes they surprise usSometimes other people see them before usOften there is a story behind them

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MY BUTTONS If Better Understood

I can work with colleagues, friends or my spouse I may need a therapist to better make sense of my past and present experienceI can begin to make better sense of my attachment experience (my story)Consequently, I can stay in touch with my emotional life andunderstanding my buttons better

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The Story

The results of the adult attachment interview (AAI) – It can predict with 75%

accuracy what kind of attachment a parent will foster with a child

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The StoryThe specific indicator in the AAI is the coherency of the story of their early childhood experiences – Their ability to describe their

experience with their parent – Their ability to make sense of

their experiences

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THE STORY

It does not have to reflect a good attachment experienceIt does need to be a concise and authentic descriptionThe experiences have to make sense to the individual

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If Our Story Isn’t Very Good

An insecure attachment can grow into a better one later in life through good adult attachment experiences –spouse, friends and therapist

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Shark Music = Buttons = The Low Road

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Finding Nemo

A “Button-pushing” Moment and

The Story Behind It

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Finding Nemo

What pushed the father’s button?When did they surface and what was his shark music?How could you tell he was ‘emotionally unregulated’?What ‘story’ does he need to understand to be able to manage his button?

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The Stories and Shark Music Behind the Button

“Did you ask mother if she wanted some beans?” “When the twins came along, I started my long journey of taking care of everyone”“I know I have difficulty with certain male authority”

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The Stories and Shark Music Behind the Button

“Shopping for shoes” p. 14“Your not hurt. You should cry. You’re a big boy.” p. 85“Get those creepy things out here right now” p. 58

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My Buttons – Past and PresentMy experience with TRAUMA

My experiencewith LIMIT SETTING

My experiencewith SAFE HAVEN

My experiencewith TAKING RISKS

My experiencewith LOSS

MY STORYPAST PAST

PRESENT PRESENT

MY BUTTONS TODAYNormal Stressors Abnormal Stressors

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RESOURCE– Understanding and Working with Our Buttons

PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT: how a deeper understanding can help you raise children who thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell (Penguin Putman, 2003)

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Buttons When Needing To Give Safe Haven

“I couldn’t soothe my baby until I processed my story” p. 17“I couldn’t respond to the neediness of my 3 year old until I processed my own loneliness and neediness from a recent divorce” p. 69

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I can practice and practice how to avoid the low road in my reactionsI can find the insight and inner resources to take the high roadI can better facilitate the repair of a rupture in the relationship with the other

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REACTING TO MY BUTTONS

THE BRAIN’SHigh road responseLow road response

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The Brain’s LOW ROAD Response

We lose the prefrontal cortex. We lose the things it can do for us and become

more impulsive and less reflective in our responseMore rigid and less able to come up with more effective ways to responseLess reflective and able to think of the other’s point of view

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We get high-jacked by our unresolved loss and trauma.We can stay in this experience.It is harder for us to repair a ruptured relationship.

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The Brain’s LOW ROAD Responses

Try to control the child even moreSay things I can’t doSay things I don’t meanWork with the kid in the emotional stateFight a battle that’s not importantRaise the voice and make him fear what I can do

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Other LOW ROAD Responses

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Elements Of The Low Road

Triggers – internal or external events that begin the low road experienceTransition – movement from the higher road to the lower road way of thinkingImmersion – being on the low road and little reflection and empathy of anotherRecovery – the process to re-start the higher road of responding

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STUCK ON THE LOW ROAD With Unresolved Childhood Experiences

P.159-160

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The Brain’s HIGH ROAD Response

The prefrontal cortex gives us

The ability to regulate the body’s emotionsThe ability to be adaptable and flexible in a response to another personThe capacity for empathy of another (mindsight)The capacity for knowing what’s going on with our self (buttons)

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Calm myselfHave someone else deal with the child, if neededTalk with the child laterStay out of control battlesGet the child to think and own the problem

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Choose my battle wellDecide who owns the problemDecide if a button has been pushed in me and try to figure out what is my storyDecide if a button has been pushed in the child and try to figure out what/why

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Other HIGH ROAD Responses

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I can practice and practice how to avoid the low road in my reactionsI can find the insight and inner resources to take the high roadI can better facilitate the repair of a rupture in the relationship with the other

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Buttons Often Cause Ruptures

They will happen regardless of how careful we areWe can spend time processing what happenWe can hear how we effected the otherWe can develop the courage to have “the difficult conversations”We can learn how to have effective “difficult conversations”

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Difficult Conversations: How Discuss What Matters Most

By Stone, Patton and HeenPenguin Books, 2000

$10.50 at Amazon.com

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Try to get control of the child by punishing rather than using consequences to educateGet back at the child by taking important things awayWithdraw my interest and affection from the childLimit my emotional investment and stop moving toward the child

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Other LOW ROAD Responses

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Make a poster about KNOWING MY STORY AND THE LINK TO MY BUTTONS to help you remember some of the importance concepts and or applications


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Staying Cool When My Buttons Are Pushed

Understanding the source of emotional regulationHelp my child regulate her emotions to increase her capacity for managing and changing her misbehavior Know my story better and the link to my buttonsGet myself out of the control battles through Love and Logic Use the “time-in” technique

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Other CONTRIBUTORS to my buttons being pushed

When I give too many chances and warnings or don’t set limits soon enough and often enoughWhen I work too hard to keep the child from being unhappy

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Other CONTRIBUTORS to my buttons being pushed

When I choose to argueWhen I don’t share the controlWhen I give consequences to quicklyWhen I don’t get the child to do most of the thinkingWhen I don’t let the child own the problem

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Third: AVOID CONTROL BATTLES

Our focus will stay on us –how we can stay out of control battles with kids and get them to own and solve their problems

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Love and Logic Resources – Ages 2-8

For toddlers“Toddlers” (tape)“Love and Logic Magic for Toddlers” (book)

For elementary-age kids“Parenting with Love and Logic” (book/tape)“I”ve Got What It Takes” (book)

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Love and Logic Resources – Ages 5-18

AudiotapesHelicopter, Drill Sergeants and ConsultantLove Me Enough To Set Limits(compliance)Four Steps To Responsibility (helping children solve their problems)Winning The Homework BattleDidn’t I Tell You To Take Out The TrashSelf-concept

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Love and Logic Resources for Teens

Hormones and Wheels (tape)Trouble-Free Teens (tape)Parenting Teens With Love and Logic (book and audio-book)

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STAYING COOL through Love and Logic

Control has a compassionate tone and is shared.Ownership of the problem is given to the kid by handing the problem back to him in a loving way. Opportunity for thinking is given by letting the kid solve the problem.Let consequences be the teacher, delay if possible, and always give with compassion.

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STAYING COOL by staying out of the control battles by

Using the fewest amount of wordsUsing choices and enforceable statementsUsing delayed consequencesGetting the kid to do most of the thinking Getting the kid to own and solve the problem

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Use the fewest amount of words

Gentle reminders and hardly noticed in public

ProximityA smile with the lookA shake of the head indicating “no”The evil eyeWalk up and whisper Assumption of compliance “Thanks for ____________.”

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COOL - Control is shared

Enforceable Statement

“I would be glad to talk to you about buying something after you have decided to help yourself not ask more than once?”

“You are welcome to walk by yourself when you have stopped fussing and used your words to tell me how I can help you?”

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COOL - Control is shared

Choices“Do you think you can walk around the store and listen for my call or do you need to walk next to me?”“Do you need to calm down some before you tell me what’s making you so unhappy or can you tell me now?”“Calm down time or talk time?”

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Questions instead of directives“Can you save that for ________?”“Would you mind __________?”“Why am I stopping?”

Delayed conference“That doesn’t work for me. I will talk with you at when you are calmer.”“I need to have you sit down and visit with me at recess.”

COOL - Opportunity for thinking

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COOL – Ownership of the problem

“Who owns this problem?”“Does he really want to solve this problem yet?” “Does she really want to make a plan to have a better time at the mall?’“Can I get him own the problem and make a plan without trying too hard and staying compassionate?

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COOL – Ownership of the problem

Ask leading questions instead of telling children what to do.Use the “5 Steps To Own And Solve A Problem”.

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The “5 Steps To Own And Solve A Problem” technique

. 1. “That’s sad or that’s hard to handle”

2. “What are you going to do? Or “What do you need?”

3. “Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?”

4. “Would that work for you?”

5. “Good luck, let me know how it works out for you.”

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COOL – Let the consequences be the teacher, delay if possible

“I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow.”“We will need to visit about your behavior during recess.”“We will talk about your meltdown before you play in your room.”“We will talk about how you are going to play with your brother before you get up from the calming chair.”

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Make a poster about LOVE AND LOGIC to help you remember some of the importance concepts and or applications


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Fourth: USE THE ‘TIME-IN TECHNIQUE’

Our focus will be on our kids -how we can help our kids’ become more responsible by providing a ‘safe haven’ approach to discipline - called the ‘time-in technique’

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Distress Leads To Poor Emotional Regulation Which Leads To Misbehavior

1. How do we get our kids to calm down (regulate) when distressed?

2. How do we get them in a better place to understand their feelings?

3. What they need to replace their misbehavior?

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The Incredible 5-Point Scale –Assisting Students with Autism Spectrum Disorders in Understanding Social Interactions and Controlling Their Emotions by Kari Dunn Baron and Mitzi Curtis, Autism Asperger Publishing Co; www.asperger.net

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talkby Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Avon books, 1980)

Resources for Emotional Regulation

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“Time-in” Technique1) “Oh-oh” (fewest words)2) Time to calm and think – “Take a

seat, stand by me or walk by me”3) “Use your words – own and be willing

to take charge of your behavior”4) “Use your words – what’s going on

and what do you need?”5) “Make a plan to make things better”

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APPLICATION

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TIME TO REFLECTWhat do I want to remember?

What do I want to do with this information?

Documents

Staying COOL When Our Buttons Are Being Pushedpluk.org/training/Handout_03_21_05.pdf · Staying COOL When Our Buttons Are Being Pushed Doug Cochran-Roberts, M.A., LPC ... THE EXPLOSIVE