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(JACOBSON)
SOUR PATCH KIDS
(VT)
(OPEN ON: OPEN COUNTRY ROAD. BECK AS A MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY BIKES.)
(MUSIC: UPBEAT FOLK)
(BECK CRASHES INTO A SET PIECE DESIGNED TO LOOK LIKE A TUNNEL AND FALLS)
(MUSIC: OUT)
(CUT TO: ANIMATED SOUR PATCH KID WITH HAMMER WALKING OUT FROM BEHIND THE SET PIECE)
MIKEY (V.O.)
First they’re sour.
(THE SOUR PATCH KID DROPS HIS HAMMER AND OFFERS BECK A BAND AID)
MIKEY (V.O.)
Then they’re sweet.
(BECK REACHES FOR THE BAND-AID. THE SOUR PATCH KID PULLS
SOUR PATCH KIDS 1
+
THE BAND AID BACK AND HITS BECK WITH A BASEBALL BAT)
MIKEY (V.O.)
Then they’re sour again.
(THE SOUR PATCH KID HOLDS OUT AN ICE PACK)
MIKEY(V.O.)
Then they’re sweet again. This
is their little game.
(THE SOUR PATCH KID TAKES OUT A PISTOL AND SHOOTS BECK IN THE KNEECAP.)
(SFX: GUN SHOT)
(BECK SCREAMS)
MIKEY(V.O.)
Shooting a child in the
kneecap is sour.
(THE SOUR PATCH KID FANS A STACK OF HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS)
MIKEY(V.O.)
But money is sweet, right?
BECK
Is that enough to pay for my
mom’s operation?
(THE SOUR PATCH KID NODS, THEN EATS THE BILLS)
SOUR PATCH KIDS 2
+
MIKEY (V.O.)
Wrong. Now the pain is
psychological.
(PETE ENTERS AS SPORTY KID IN HELMET, ELBOW AND KNEE PADS)
PETE
Hey dude, who’s your friend?
BECK
Run.
PETE
Oh my god, are you bleeding?
(THE SOUR PATCH KID CUTS A ROPE WITH A MACHETE AND A CAGE FALLS ON PETE.)
PETE
Dude, I don’t like this.
(THE SOUR PATCH KID KNEELS DOWN AND STROKES BECK’S CHEEK GENTLY, THEN SLAPS HIM)
BECK
What are you?
(THE SOUR PATCH KID RIPS A CHAIN SAW)
(MUSIC: IN)
(CUT TO: YELLOW BACKGROUND WITH SADISTIC PATCH KIDS LOGO)
SOUR PATCH KIDS 3
+
MIKEY V.0.
Sadistic patch kids. Sour,
sweet, enjoying this.
SOUR PATCH KIDS 4
+
(JACOBSON)
FIRESIDE CHAT COLD OPEN
(OPEN ON: WHITE HOUSE DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM. ALEC BALDWIN AS TRUMP SITS AT A DESK SPEAKING INTO SEVERAL RADIO MICROPHONES)
ALEC
Testing. Testing. I saw Susie
sitting in a shoe shine shop.
And she was beautiful, let me
tell you. You know, I’m going
to be very good at these
fireside chats. All the ladies
I talk to on the phone at
night tell me I have a great
voice for radio. Tell me when
we’re going live.
(CUT TO: ALEX AS PAUL MANAFORT, KATE AS JEFF SESSIONS, AND BECK AS PENCE
FIRESIDE CHAT 1
+
LISTENING IN ADJACENT WHITE HOUSE ROOM. THEY ALL WEAR HEADSETS.)
ALEX
We are live, sir.
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
ALEC
I know that voice. Manafort?
They let you out of jail?
Because all of us are totally
innocent?
ALEX
No, they thought sending me
back here would be worse than
any prison.
BECK
I just thought of something
horrible. Are the table’s legs
showing?
ALEX
It’s a radio broadcast Mr.
Vice President.
FIRESIDE CHAT 2
+
BECK
Right.
KATE
Salutations Mr. President,
it’s me, Jeff Sessions. Just
wanted to share that I think
this is a fine idea. Finer
than a peanut broil in July.
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
ALEC
I know Jeff, now shut up.
We’re live. My friends- is
this thing on? I’m joking, I’m
joking. Ok. My friends- it’s
me, The President. Of the
United States. Donald Trump. I
know. Welcome to the first of
my fireside chats. There will
be many more, and they will be
very good. Now what I’m here
FIRESIDE CHAT 3
+
to talk about with you all
today is horses.
(CUT TO: ADJACENT ROOM)
BECK
Is this in the script?
ALEX
Actually...yes?
KATE
Ooh boy, I love horses.
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
ALEC
Horses in this country are
incredible. Incredible horses.
We have big horses, small
horses. Fabulous, truly
fabulous horses. We have a lot
of horses here. Depending on
how you count it anywhere
between some horses and many
horses. That’s a lot of horses
folks.
(CUT TO: ADJACENT ROOM)
FIRESIDE CHAT 4
+
ALEX
Do we...do something?
BECK
When have we ever?
KATE
Shhhhh! Horses!
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
ALEC
And there’s not just one type
of horse here and that type of
horse there. No. There are all
different kinds of horses. So
many types of horses, you
wouldn’t believe it. I’ve got
a list of some of them here.
The American Quarter Horse.
The Thoroughbred.
(CUT TO: ADJACENT ROOM)
KATE
I hope he says the Appaloosa.
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
FIRESIDE CHAT 5
+
ALEC
The Appaloosa. All great,
fabulous, spectacular American
horses. Now you’re probably
thinking, that’s it. That’s
all the horses. But- and I
just learned this today folks-
there are many other types of
horses. There’s the Andalusian
horse, the Missouri Fox
Trotter.
(CUT TO: ADJACENT ROOM)
BECK
Say Warm Blood.
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
ALEC
The Warm Blood.
(CUT TO: ADJACENT ROOM)
BECK
Ooooohhhhh.
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
FIRESIDE CHAT 6
+
ALEC
Wonderful, very good,
impressive horses. All having
a wonderful time, here in the
United States. Horses should
thank me, they’re getting it
so good here. You know I met a
horse once. It was in the oval
office. I’ll never forget it.
Very nice. Very nice horse. I
pet him on the nose, gave him
a sugar cube. I was very good
to him, the horse. And he
knows it. He’s very thankful
to me.
(CUT TO: ADJACENT ROOM)
ALEX
Honestly guys, all things
considered, this is not the
worst speech he’s ever given.
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
FIRESIDE CHAT 7
+
ALEC
Horses are measured in hands.
Not feet. Hands. Can you
believe this? Still, they’re
measuring horses in hands.
(CUT TO: ADJACENT ROOM)
(KATE’S POSSUM TALE POPS UP BEHIND HER AND TAPS BECK ON THE SHOULDER, STARTLING HIM)
BECK
Who’s there? If that’s not my
wife I’ll have that hand cut
off!
KATE
Oh don’t mind that, that’s
just my tail. He’s a
trickster. Oh tail!
(THE TAIL DIPS DOWN AND POPS UP WITH A JAR OF PEANUTS)
KATE
Ooh he brought boiled peanuts!
Anybody?
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
FIRESIDE CHAT 8
+
ALEC
Now get this folks, and I’m
not making this up, if you
want to know how tall a horse
is, and many American horses
are very tall, you measure
where the neck meets the back,
and that’s called- and again,
seriously, ok, I’m not making
this up: the withers. I mean,
unbelievable.
(CUT TO: ADJACENT ROOM)
(KATE EATING PEANUTS)
KATE
You measure horses to the
withers? Why that is a gas.
ALEX
That is odd isn’t it? Withers.
BECK
With- with- you can’t say that
on the radio!
(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)
FIRESIDE CHAT 9
+
(BECK STORMS THE SPACE, KATE AND ALEX FOLLOW)
BECK
Stop it! Stop the broadcast!
ALEX
Mike this is live!
BECK
Mr. President I would stand by
your side probably through a
genocide but saying with- with-
that word on the radio, that
is where I draw the line, sir!
(KATE STILL EATING PEANUTS)
KATE
What a raucous!
ALEC
Mike, I finally get a chance
to connect with the American
people over something non
partisan, horses, and you
spoil the whole thing over-can
you believe it folks-withers?
FIRESIDE CHAT 10
+
KATE
Well ain’t that sweet.
BECK
You really wanted to connect
with the American people?
TRUMP
No, there’s some stuff about a
feather duster backstage at a
Miss America pageant in ‘98
coming out and I need a
distraction.
ALEX
And again, we’re still live.
ALEC
I know. I think we’re done
here but before I go I just
have to say two things:
Crooked Hillary and Live from
New York it’s Saturday Night!
FIRESIDE CHAT 11
+
(JACOBSON)
CHRISTMAS EVE
(OPEN ON: A LIVING ROOM ON CHRISTMAS EVE. CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AND STOCKINGS HANG ABOVE A BURNING FIREPLACE. ORNAMENTS SPARKLE ON A TREE.)
HIGGINS (V.O.)
‘Twas the night before
Christmas and all through the
house, not a creature was
stirring, not even a mouse.
(MUSIC: TWINKLY DREAM)
HIGGINS (V.O.)
The stockings were hung by the
chimney with care in hopes
that St. Nicholas soon would
be there.
(SFX: THUMP)
CHRISTMAS EVE 1
(LARRY DAVID AS SANTA LIKE JEW CRAWLING OUT FROM THE CHIMNEY IN A BLUE VELVET JUMPSUIT, FANNY PACK, AND KIPPAH)
LARRY
Oy. You think they could’ve
had a longer chimney? Yeesh. A
Christmas tree?
(SHOUTING UP THE CHIMNEY)
LARRY
Schlomo! Hey schlomo. I don’t
think this is the right house-
(AIDY AS A WHOVILLE LIKE LITTLE GIRL IN PIGTAILS AND FOOTY PAJAMAS)
AIDY
Santa?
LARRY
Oy gezunt men zikh-
AIDY
Santa? Is it really you?
LARRY
Not exactly.
AIDY
Who are you?
CHRISTMAS EVE 2
LARRY
I’m Shmuel. Shmuel the
Hanukkah guy. Who are you?
AIDY
I’m Cynthia. Cynthia
Hollingsworth.
LARRY
Cynthia Hollingsworth?
(SHOUTING UP THE CHIMNEY)
LARRY
I definitely don’t think this
house is one of ours.
AIDY
Who are you talking to,
Shmuel?
LARRY
My camels.
AIDY
Camels?
LARRY
You don’t know who I am. Of
course not. Sit down Cynthia.
(THEY SIT ON THE SOFA)
CHRISTMAS EVE 3
LARRY
Have you heard of Santa?
AIDY
You know him?
LARRY
We’re cordial. You see, I’m
very similar to Santa, except
Jewish. You know how Santa has
a workshop in the North Pole?
Well I have a workshop too, in
Israel where I spend all year
making toys. Except not on
Saturdays. That’s Shabbat.
AIDY
Sha-what?
LARRY
Shabbat. It’s a day of rest.
Eh sort of like nap time but
for a whole day, once a week.
AIDY
Naptime for a whole day!
CHRISTMAS EVE 4
LARRY
Yeah it’s not bad, it’s not
bad. And every December when
Hanukkah comes I put all of my
toys in my camel drawn sleigh
and ride allll over Israel and
the US and a couple of the
other ones delivering toys to
the good Jewish boys and
girls.
AIDY
I know Israel. My mommy says
the declaration of Israel as a
state was illegitimate because-
LARRY
A ta ta ta ta let’s not get
into that.
AIDY
Why not?
LARRY
Why don’t you have your mother
brush you up on your 1940s
European history and then
CHRISTMAS EVE 5
we’ll talk about the
legitimacy of Israel, k?
AIDY
Ok. Do you keep a naughty nice
list?
LARRY
Yeah. Well a mean or mensch
list. I check it myself. I’m
very good. Before I did this I
was an accountant.
AIDY
Shmuel, am I mean or a mensch?
LARRY
Well Cynthia, I don’t know.
Becase you’re not Jewish.
AIDY
If I’m not Jewish, then what
are you doing in my house?
LARRY
That’s a good point. It looks
like my camel Schlomo made a
mistake guiding us again.
CHRISTMAS EVE 6
He’ll never use the GPS. Oy
vey Schlomo! Just use the GPS!
You can see us on the map, it
adjusts for air traffic, the
whole thing’s easier. But I
should probably get going.
(HE STANDS)
AIDY
I wish I could be a part of
Hanukkah.
LARRY
What a little mensch. Well let
me see what I’ve got here.
(UNZIPPING HIS FANNY PACK)
LARRY
I don’t use a sack, it hurts
my back.
(SFX: TWINKLE MUSIC)
(HE MAGICALLY PULLS OUT A MENORAH)
LARRY
Here. A menorah. This is on
me, but you’re going to have
CHRISTMAS EVE 7
to ask your mom to buy the
candles and matches.
(HE STARTS UP THE CHIMNEY THEN COMES BACK)
LARRY
Oh and remind me tomorrow I
have to call doctor Greenberg.
His son’s getting married. Did
you hear?
AIDY
You’re coming back tomorrow?
LARRY
Yeah we gotta do this 7 more
times. Do me a favor ask your
mom if you can put out some
chopped liver, maybe some
seltzer water, in case my
stomach gets upset. Oh and uh,
Cynthia, maybe don’t tell your
parents about this little tête-
à-tête we had.
(GOING INTO THE CHIMNEY)
CHRISTMAS EVE 8
LARRY
Goodbye, Cynthia.
AIDY
Goodbye, Shmuel.
(SHE LAYS DOWN ON THE SOFA)
AIDY
Goodbye Shmuel...Shmuel...
(MUSIC: DREAMY)
(WAVE DREAM EFFECT: AIDY SLEEPING)
AIDY
Shmuel...Shmuel...
(CUT TO: CECILY AND BECK IN CHRISTMAS SWEATERS STANDING OVER AIDY)
CECILY
Cynthia darling, wake up! You
must have fallen asleep on the
couch waiting for Santa.
BECK
Merry Christmas darling.
AIDY
Mom? Dad? I had the strangest
dream.
CHRISTMAS EVE 9
BECK
Silly Cynthia. Go on, open
your presents.
(SHE CONSIDERS RED AND GOLD PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE THEN A MENORAH WRAPPED IN BLUE)
AIDY
What’s that one?
CECILY
I didn’t buy that. Honey, did
you?
BECK
No.
(AIDY UNWRAPS THE MENORAH)
AIDY
A menorah! It’s from him. Can
I light it?
CECILY
Well sure, honey, but just
don’t put it in the window, I
don’t want the neighbors
throwing rocks at it.
(AIDY LOOKS UP)
CHRISTMAS EVE 10
AIDY
Thank you, Shmuel!
(CUT TO: CYNTHIA’S ROOF TOP. SHMUEL HAS A SLEIGH DRAWN BY CAMELS)
LARRY
You’re welcome, Cynthia.
(HE GETS IN HIS SLEIGH)
LARRY
On Schlomo, on Yitzhak, on
Yaakov, and Hirshell-
(TAKING OFF INTO THE SKY)
LARRY
On Moshe on Izik on Avrom and
Yankel. Happy Hannukah to all,
and to all a great 8 nights!
Schlomo, please just use the
GPS! Oy vavoy!
AIDY (O.S.)
Mom, what’s chopped liver?
(OUT.)
CHRISTMAS EVE 11