SKETCHESOFYOUNGGENTLEMEN

BYCHARLESDICKENS

SKETCHESOFYOUNGGENTLEMEN

TOTHEYOUNGLADIESOFTHE

UNITEDKINGDOMOFGREATBRITAINANDIRELAND;ALSO

THEYOUNGLADIESOF

THEPRINCIPALITYOFWALES,ANDLIKEWISE

THEYOUNGLADIESRESIDENTINTHEISLESOF

GUERNSEY,JERSEY,ALDERNEY,ANDSARK,THEHUMBLEDEDICATIONOFTHEIRDEVOTEDADMIRER,

SHEWETH,-THATyourDedicatorhasperused,withfeelingsofvirtuousindignation,awork purporting to be ‘Sketches of Young Ladies;’ written byQuiz,illustratedbyPhiz,andpublishedinonevolume,squaretwelvemo.THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, yourDedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon yourHonourable sex, were never contained in any previously publishedwork,intwelvemooranyothermo.THAT in the titlepageandpreface to thesaidwork,yourHonourable

sex are described and classified as animals; and although yourDedicatorisnotatpresentpreparedtodenythatyouareanimals,stillhehumblysubmitsthatitisnotpolitetocallyouso.THATintheaforesaidpreface,yourHonourablesexarealsodescribedas Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught yourHonourable sex or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be aninjuriousanddisrespectfulappellation.THATtheauthorofthesaidworkappliedhimselftohistaskinmaliceprepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which, yourDedicatorcontends, issufficientlydemonstrated,byhisassuming thename of Quiz, which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregoneconclusion,andimpliesanintentionofquizzing.THATintheexecutionofhisevildesign,thesaidQuiz,orauthorofthesaidwork,musthavebetrayedsometrustorconfidencereposedinhimbysomemembersofyourHonourablesex,otherwisehenevercouldhave acquired so much information relative to the manners andcustomsofyourHonourablesexingeneral.THATactuatedbytheseconsiderations,andfurthermovedbyvariousslandersandinsinuationsrespectingyourHonourablesexcontainedinthe saidwork, square twelvemo, entitled ‘Sketches ofYoungLadies,’your Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square twelvemo,entitled ‘SketchesofYoungGentlemen,’ofwhichhenowsolicitsyouracceptanceandapproval.THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the YoungGentlemen,so theYoungGentlemenshouldbe thebestcompanionsof theYoungLadies; andextending the comparison fromanimals (toquotethedisrespectfullanguageofthesaidQuiz)toinanimateobjects,yourDedicatorhumblysuggests,thatsuchofyourHonourablesexaspurchased the bane should possess themselves of the antidote, andthat thoseofyourHonourablesexwhowerenot rashenoughto takethefirst,shouldlosenotimeinswallowingthelast,—preventionbeinginallcasesbetterthancure,asweareinformedupontheauthority,notonlyofgeneralacknowledgment,butalsooftraditionarywisdom.THATwithreferencetothesaidbaneandantidote,yourDedicatorhasno further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printeddirections issued with Doctor Morison’s pills; namely, that wheneveryourHonourablesextaketwenty-fiveofNumber,1,youwillbepleasedtotakefiftyofNumber2,withoutdelay.AndyourDedicatorshalleverpray,&c.

THEBASHFULYOUNGGENTLEMAN

Wefoundourselfseatedatasmalldinnerpartytheotherday,oppositeastrangerofsuchsingularappearanceandmanner,thatheirresistiblyattractedourattention.Thiswasafresh-colouredyounggentleman,withasgoodapromiseoflightwhiskerasonemightwishtosee,andpossessedofaveryvelvet-like, soft-looking countenance. We do not use the latter terminvidiously, but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump, highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions, and a mouth ratherremarkableforthefreshhueofthelipsthanforanymarkedorstrikingexpression itpresented. Hiswhole facewassuffusedwithacrimsonblush, and bore that downcast, timid, retiring look, which betokens amanillateasewithhimself.Therewasnothing in thesesymptoms toattractmore thanapassingremark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashfulyounggentleman,onhisfirstappearanceinthedrawing-roomabove-stairs, intowhichhewasno sooner introduced, thanmakinghiswaytowards us who were standing in a window, and wholly neglectingseveral persons whowarmly accosted him, he seized our handwithvisible emotion, and pressed it with a convulsive grasp for a goodcoupleofminutes,afterwhichhedivedinanervousmanneracrosstheroom,oversettinginhiswayafinelittlegirlofsixyearsandaquarterold—andshroudinghimselfbehindsomehangings,wasseennomore,untiltheeagleeyeofthehostessdetectinghiminhisconcealment,ontheannouncementofdinner,hewasrequestedtopairoffwithalivelysinglelady,oftwoorthreeandthirty.This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would havegratifiedusnotalittleasatokenofhishavingheldusinhighrespect,and for that reasonbeendesirousofouracquaintance, ifwehadnotsuspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in making adesperateefforttogetthroughtheceremonyofintroduction,had,inthebewilderment of his ideas, shaken hands with us at random. Thisimpression was fully confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of thebashfulyounggentlemaninquestion,whichwenotedparticularly,withtheviewofascertainingwhetherwewererightinourconjecture.Theyounggentlemanseatedhimselfat tablewithevidentmisgivings,and turning sharp round to pay attention to some observation of his

loquaciousneighbour,oversethisbread.Therewasnothingverybadin this, and if he had had the presence ofmind to let it go, and saynothingaboutit,nobodybutthemanwhohadlaidtheclothwouldhavebeen a bit the wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, asgentlemeninthestreetsmaybeseentodowiththeirhatsonawindyday, and then giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to catch it,knocked itwith great adroitness into a tureen ofwhite soup at somedistance,totheunspeakableterroranddisturbanceofaveryamiablebald gentleman, who was dispensing the contents. We thought thebashful young gentleman would have gone off in an apoplectic fit,consequentupontheviolentrushofbloodtohisfaceattheoccurrenceofthiscatastrophe.Fromthismomentweperceived,inthephraseologyofthefancy,thatitwas ‘allup’with thebashfulyounggentleman,andso indeed itwas.Severalbenevolentpersonsendeavouredtorelievehisembarrassmentby taking wine with him, but finding that it only augmented hissufferings, and that after mingling sherry, champagne, hock, andmoselletogether,heappliedthegreaterpartofthemixtureexternally,instead of internally, they gradually dropped off, and left him to theexclusivecareofthetalkativelady,who,notnotingthewildnessofhiseye, firmlybelievedshehadsecureda listener. Hebrokeaglassortwointhecourseofthemeal,anddisappearedshortlyafterwards;itisinferredthathewentawayinsomeconfusion,inasmuchasheleftthehouseinanothergentleman’scoat,andthefootman’shat.This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominentcharacteristicsofbashfulyounggentlemenintheabstract;andasthisportablevolumewillbethegreattext-bookofyoungladiesinallfuturegenerations,werecordthemherefortheirguidanceandbehoof.If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance tostumblesuddenlyupontwoorthreeyoungladiesofhisacquaintance,nothingcanexceedhisconfusionandagitation.Hisfirstimpulseistomakeagreatvarietyofbows,anddartpastthem,whichhedoesuntil,observingthattheywishtostop,butareuncertainwhethertodosoornot,hemakesseveralfeintsofreturning,whichcausesthemtodothesame;andatlength,afteragreatquantityofunnecessarydodgingandfallingupagainst theotherpassengers,hereturnsandshakeshandsmost affectionatelywith all of them, in doingwhich he knocks out oftheirgraspsundrylittleparcels,whichhehastilypicksup,andreturns

verymuddyanddisordered. Thechancesare that thebashfulyounggentleman thenobserves it is very fineweather, andbeing remindedthatithasonlyjustleftoffrainingforthefirsttimethesethreedays,heblushes verymuch, and smiles as if he had said a very good thing.Theyoungladywhowasmostanxioustospeak,hereinquires,withanair of great commiseration, how his dear sister Harriet is to-day; towhichtheyounggentleman,withouttheslightestconsideration,replieswith many thanks, that she is remarkably well. ‘Well, Mr. Hopkins!’criestheyounglady,‘why,weheardshewasbledyesterdayevening,andhavebeenperfectlymiserableabouther.’‘Oh,ah,’saystheyounggentleman,‘soshewas.Oh,she’sveryill,veryillindeed.’Theyounggentleman thenshakeshishead,and looksverydesponding (hehasbeensmilingperpetuallyuptothistime),andafterashortpause,giveshisgloveagreatwrenchatthewrist,andsays,withastrongemphasisontheadjective, ‘Goodmorning,goodmorning.’ Andmakingagreatnumber of bows in acknowledgment of several littlemessages to hissister, walks backward a few paces, and comes with great violenceagainst a lamp-post, knocking his hat off in the contact, which in hismentalconfusionandbodilypainheisgoingtowalkawaywithout,untilagreatroarfromacarterattractshisattention,whenhepicksitup,andtriestosmilecheerfullytotheyoungladies,whoarelookingback,andwho,hehasthesatisfactionofseeing,arealllaughingheartily.At a quadrille party, the bashful younggentlemanalways remains asnear the entrance of the room as possible, from which position hesmilesatthepeopleheknowsastheycomein,andsometimesstepsforwardtoshakehandswithmoreintimatefriends:aprocesswhichoneach repetition seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before. Hedeclinesdancingthefirstsetortwo,observing,inafaintvoice,thathewouldratherwaitalittle;butatlengthisabsolutelycompelledtoallowhimself tobe introduced toapartner,whenhe is led, inagreatheatandblushing furiously, across the room toa spotwherehalf-a-dozenunknownladiesarecongregatedtogether.‘Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next quadrille.’MissLambertinclinesherheadgraciously.Mr.Hopkinsbows,andhisfairconductressdisappears,leavingMr.Hopkins,ashetoowellknows,tomake himself agreeable. The young ladymore than half expectsthat thebashfulyounggentlemanwillsaysomething,and thebashfulyoung gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he has gotanythingtosay,which,uponmaturereflection,heisratherdisposedto

conclude he has not, since nothing occurs to him. Meanwhile, theyoung lady, after several inspections of herbouquet, allmade in theexpectationthatthebashfulyounggentlemanisgoingtotalk,whispershermamma,who issittingnexther,whichwhisper thebashfulyounggentlemanimmediatelysuspects(andpossiblywithverygoodreason)mustbeabouthim.Inthiscomfortableconditionheremainsuntil it istimeto‘standup,’whenmurmuringa‘Willyouallowme?’hegivestheyoung lady his arm, and after inquiring where she will stand, andreceivingareplythatshehasnochoice,conductshertotheremotestcornerofthequadrille,andmakingoneattemptatconversation,whichturnsoutadesperatefailure,preservesaprofoundsilenceuntilitisallover,whenhewalkshertwiceroundtheroom,depositsherinheroldseat,andretiresinconfusion.A married bashful gentleman—for these bashful gentlemen do getmarriedsometimes;howitiseverbroughtabout,isamysterytous—amarried bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear bold bycontrast, ormerges her proper importance in his own insignificance.Bashfulyounggentlemenshouldbecured,oravoided.Theyareneverhopeless,andneverwillbe,whilefemalebeautyandattractionsretaintheirinfluence,asanyyoungladywillfind,whomaythinkitworthwhileonthisconfidentassurancetotakeapatientinhand.

THEOUT-AND-OUTYOUNGGENTLEMAN

Out-and-outyounggentlemenmaybedividedintotwoclasses—thosewho have something to do, and those who have nothing. I shallcommencewiththeformer,becausethatspeciescomemorefrequentlyunderthenoticeofyoungladies,whomitisourprovincetowarnandtoinstruct.The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, hisinstructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one generaldirectionto‘makethatwhat’s-a-namearegularbang-upsortofthing.’Forsomeyearspast, the favouritecostumeof theout-and-outyounggentlemanhasbeenaroughpilotcoat,withtwogilthooksandeyestothevelvetcollar;buttonssomewhat larger thancrown-pieces;ablackor fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed hat, with a lowcrown; tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots. Out of doors hesometimescarriesalargeashstick,butonlyonspecialoccasions,forhe prefers keeping his hands in his coat pockets. He smokes at all

hours,ofcourse,andswearsconsiderably.Theout-and-outyounggentlemanisemployedinacitycounting-houseor solicitor’s office, inwhich he does as little as he possibly can: hischiefplacesofresortare,thestreets,thetaverns,andthetheatres.Inthe streets at evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen have apleasant customofwalking six or eight abreast, thusdriving femalesandotherinoffensivepersonsintotheroad,whichneverfailstoaffordthem the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any immediatedanger of their being run over, which enhances the fun of the thingmaterially.Inallplacesofpublicresort,theout-and-outersarecarefultoselecteachaseattohimself,uponwhichheliesatfulllength,and(iftheweather be very dirty, but not in any other case) he lieswith hiskneesup,andthesolesofhisbootsplantedfirmlyonthecushion,sothatifanylowfellowshouldaskhimtomakeroomforalady,hetakesamplerevengeuponherdress,withoutgoingatalloutofhiswaytodoit. He always sits with his hat on, and flourishes his stick in the airwhile the play is proceeding, with a dignified contempt of theperformance; if it be possible for one or two out-and-out younggentlementogetupalittlecrowdinginthepassages,theyarequiteintheirelement,squeezing,pushing,whooping,andshoutinginthemosthumorousmannerpossible. If theycanonlysucceed in irritating thegentlemanwhohasa family of daughtersunderhis charge, theyareliketodiewithlaughing,andboastofitamongtheircompanionsforaweek afterwards, adding, that one or two of themwere ‘devilish finegirls,’ and that they really thought the youngest would have fainted,whichwastheonlythingwantedtorenderthejokecomplete.If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, ofcourse he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they(poorthings!)havingnonotionoflifeorgaiety,arefartooweak-spiritedand moping for him. Sometimes, however, on a birth-day or atChristmas-time, he cannot very well help accompanying them to apartyatsomeoldfriend’s,withwhichviewhecomeshomewhentheyhavebeendressedanhouror two,smellingverystronglyof tobaccoandspirits,andafterexchanginghisroughcoatforsomemoresuitableattire (in which however he loses nothing of the out-and-outer), getsinto the coachandgrumblesall thewayat his owngoodnature: hisbitter reflections aggravated by the recollection, that Tom Smith hastakenthechairatalittleimpromptudinneratafightingman’s,andthataset-towastotakeplaceonadining-table,betweenthefightingman

and his brother-in-law, which is probably ‘coming off’ at that veryinstant.As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease inladies’society,heshrinksintoacornerofthedrawing-roomwhentheyreachthefriend’s,andunlessoneofhissistersiskindenoughtotalktohim, remains there without beingmuch troubled by the attentions ofother people, until he espies, lingering outside the door, anothergentleman,whomheatonceknows,byhisairandmanner(forthereisakindoffree-masonryinthecraft),tobeabrotherout-and-outer,andtowards whom he accordingly makes his way. Conversation beingsoon opened by some casual remark, the second out-and-outerconfidentially informs the first, that he is one of the rough sort andhates that kind of thing, only he couldn’t very well be off coming; towhichtheotherreplies,thatthat’sjusthiscase—‘andI’lltellyouwhat,’continuestheout-and-outerinawhisper,‘Ishouldlikeaglassofwarmbrandyandwater justnow,’—‘Orapintofstoutandapipe,’suggeststheotherout-and-outer.Thediscoveryisatoncemadethattheyaresympatheticsouls;eachofthem says at the samemoment, that he sees the other understandswhat’s what: and they become fast friends at once, more especiallywhen it appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than agentleman, long favourably known to his familiars as ‘Mr. WarmintBlake,’ who upon divers occasions has distinguished himself in amanner that would not have disgraced the fighting man, and who—having been a pretty long time about town—had the honour of onceshakinghandswiththecelebratedMr.Thurtellhimself.Atsupper,thesegentlemengreatlydistinguishthemselves,brighteningupverymuchwhen the ladies leave the table,andproclaimingaloudtheir intentionofbeginning tospend theevening—aprocesswhich isgenerallyunderstoodtobesatisfactorilyperformed,whenagreatdealofwineisdrunkandagreatdealofnoisemade,bothofwhichfeatstheout-and-outyounggentlemenexecutetoperfection.Havingprotractedtheir sitting until long after the host and the other guests haveadjournedtothedrawing-room,andfindingthattheyhavedrainedthedecanters empty, they follow them thither with complexions ratherheightened,andfacesratherbloatedwithwine;andtheagitatedladyofthe house whispers her friends as they waltz together, to the greatterror of the whole room, that ‘bothMr. Blake andMr. Dummins arevery nice sort of young men in their way, only they are eccentric

persons,andunfortunatelyrathertoowild!’The remainingclassofout-and-out younggentlemen is composedofpersons,who,havingnomoneyoftheirownandasoulaboveearningany, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knowshow. These respectablegentlemen,withoutaimingquitesomuchattheout-and-outinexternalappearance,aredistinguishedbyall thesameamiableandattractivecharacteristics, in an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now andthenfindtheirwayintosociety,throughthemediumoftheotherclassofout-and-outyounggentlemen,whowillsometimescarrythemhome,andwhousuallypaytheirtavernbills.Astheyareequallygentlemanly,clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we need scarcely haverecommendedthemtothepeculiarconsiderationoftheyoungladies,ifit were not that some of the gentle creatureswhomwe hold in suchhigh respect, are perhaps a little too apt to confound a great manyheavier terms with the light word eccentricity, which we beg themhenceforthtotakeinastrictlyJohnsoniansense,withoutanyliberalityorlatitudeofconstruction.

THEVERYFRIENDLYYOUNGGENTLEMAN

Weknow—andallpeopleknow—somanyspecimensofthisclass,thatin selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take from a greatnumber, we have been induced to give the very friendly younggentleman thepreferenceovermanyothers, towhoseclaimsuponamorecursoryviewof thequestionwehad feltdisposed toassign thepriority.Theveryfriendlyyounggentlemanisveryfriendlytoeverybody,butheattaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three families:regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of acquaintance, orsomeothercriterion inwhichhehasan immediate interest. He isofanyagebetweentwentyandforty,unmarriedofcourse,mustbefondof children, and is expected to make himself generally useful ifpossible. Let us illustrate ourmeaning by an example, which is theshortestmodeandtheclearest.We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend ofwhomwe hadlost sight for some years, and who—expressing a strong anxiety torenewourformerintimacy—urgedustodinewithhimonanearlyday,thatwemighttalkoveroldtimes.Wereadilyassented,adding,thatwehopedwe should be alone. ‘Oh, certainly, certainly,’ said our friend,

‘notasoulwithusbutMincin.’ ‘Andwho isMincin?’wasournaturalinquiry. ‘Odon’tmindhim,’ repliedour friend, ‘he’samostparticularfriendofmine,andavery friendly fellowyouwill findhim;’andsoheleftus.‘WethoughtnomoreaboutMincinuntilwedulypresentedourselvesatthehousenextday,when,afteraheartywelcome,ourfriendmotionedtowardsagentlemanwhohadbeenpreviouslyshowinghisteethbythefireplace,andgaveustounderstandthatitwasMr.Mincin,ofwhomhehadspoken.Itrequirednogreatpenetrationonourparttodiscoveratonce that Mr. Mincin was in every respect a very friendly younggentleman.‘Iamdelighted,’saidMincin,hastilyadvancing,andpressingourhandwarmlybetweenbothofhis, ‘Iamdelighted, Iamsure, tomakeyouracquaintance—(here he smiled)—verymuch delighted indeed—(hereheexhibitedalittleemotion)—IassureyouthatIhavelookedforwardto itanxiously foravery long time:’herehe releasedourhands,andrubbinghisown,observed, that thedaywassevere,but thathewasdelighted to perceive from our appearance that it agreed with uswonderfully; and then went on to observe, that, notwithstanding thecoldness of the weather, he had that morning seen in the paper anexceedinglycuriousparagraph,totheeffect,thattherewasnowinthegardenofMr.WilkinsofChichester,apumpkin,measuringfourfeetinheight,andelevenfeetseveninchesincircumference,whichhelookedupon as a very extraordinary piece of intelligence. We ventured toremark,thatwehadadimrecollectionofhavingonceortwicebeforeobserved a similar paragraph in the public prints, upon which Mr.Mincintookusconfidentiallybythebutton,andsaid,Exactly,exactly,tobesure,wewereveryright,andhewonderedwhattheeditorsmeantbyputtinginsuchthings.Whothedeuce,heshouldliketoknow,didtheysupposecaredaboutthem?thatstruckhimasbeingthebestofit.The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, andMr.Mincin’sfriendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution inconsequence;heexertedmuchstrengthandskill inwheelinga largeeasy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it, carefullyclosedthedoor,stirredthefire,andlookedtothewindowstoseethattheyadmittednoair;havingsatisfiedhimselfuponallthesepoints,heexpressedhimselfquiteeasyinhismind,andbeggedtoknowhowshefound herself to-day. Upon the lady’s replying very well, Mr. Mincin(who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some general

remarks upon the nature and treatment of colds in the head, whichoccupiedusagreeablyuntildinner-time.Duringthemeal,hedevotedhimself tocomplimentingeverybody,not forgettinghimself,sothatwewereanuncommonlyagreeablequartette.‘I’lltellyouwhat,Capper,’saidMr.Mincintoourhost,asheclosedtheroomdooraftertheladyhadretired,‘youhaveverygreatreasontobefond of yourwife. Sweetwoman,Mrs.Capper, sir!’ ‘Nay,Mincin—Ibeg,’ interposedthehost,aswewereabouttoreplythatMrs.Capperunquestionably was particularly sweet. ‘Pray, Mincin, don’t.’ ‘Whynot?’ exclaimed Mr. Mincin, ‘why not? Why should you feel anydelicacybeforeyourold friend—ourold friend, if Imaybeallowed tocallyouso,sir;whyshouldyou,Iask?’Weofcoursewishedtoknowwhy he should also, upon which our friend admitted that Mrs.Capperwasaverysweetwoman,atwhichadmissionMr.Mincincried‘Bravo!’andbeggedtoproposeMrs.Capperwithheartfeltenthusiasm,whereuponourhost said, ‘Thankyou,Mincin,’withdeep feeling;andgave us, in a low voice, to understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs.Capper’scousin’slifenolessthanfourteentimesinayearandahalf,which he considered no common circumstance—an opinion towhichwemostcordiallysubscribed.Now thatwe threewere left toentertainourselveswith conversation,Mr. Mincin’s extreme friendliness became every moment moreapparent;hewassoamazinglyfriendly,indeed,thatitwasimpossibleto talk about anything in which he had not the chief concern. Wehappened to allude to some affairs in which our friend and we hadbeenmutuallyengagednearlyfourteenyearsbefore,whenMr.Mincinwasallatonceremindedofajokewhichourfriendhadmadeonthatdayfouryears,whichhepositivelymustinsistupontelling—andwhichhe did tell accordingly, with many pleasant recollections of what hesaid, andwhatMrs.Capper said, and howhewell remembered thattheyhadbeentotheplaywithordersontheverynightprevious,andhadseenRomeoandJuliet,andthepantomime,andhowMrs.Capperbeingfainthadbeenled intothe lobby,whereshesmiled,said itwasnothingafterall,andwentbackagain,withmanyotherinterestingandabsorbingparticulars:afterwhichthefriendlyyounggentlemanwentontoassureus,thatourfriendhadexperiencedamarvellouslypropheticopinionofthatsamepantomime,whichwasofsuchanadmirablekind,thattwomorningpaperstookthesameviewnextday:tothisourfriendreplied,withalittletriumph,thatinthatinstancehehadsomereasonto

think he had been correct, which gave the friendly young gentlemanoccasiontobelievethatourfriendwasalwayscorrect;andsowewenton,untilourfriend,fillingabumper,saidhemustdrinkoneglasstohisdearfriendMincin,thanwhomhewouldsaynomansavedthelivesofhis acquaintances more, or had a more friendly heart. Finally, ourfriendhavingemptiedhisglass,said,‘Godblessyou,Mincin,’—andMr.Mincinandheshookhandsacross the tablewithmuchaffectionandearnestness.But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene likethis,heplaysthesamepartonalargerscalewithincreasedéclat.Mr.Mincin is invitedtoaneveningpartywithhisdearfriendstheMartins,wherehemeetshisdearfriendstheCappers,andhisdearfriendstheWatsons,andahundredotherdearfriendstoonumeroustomention.HeisasmuchathomewiththeMartinsaswiththeCappers;buthowexquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them among hisdearfriends!IfheflirtswithoneoftheMissWatsons,hehasonelittleMartin on the sofa pulling his hair, and the other little Martin on thecarpet ridingonhis foot. HecarriesMrs.Watsondown tosupperononearm,andMissMartinontheother,andtakeswinesojudiciously,andinsuchexactorder,thatitisimpossibleforthemostpunctiliousoldladytoconsiderherselfneglected. Ifanyyounglady,beingprevailedupon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. Mincin leads hertenderlyintothenextroom,andrestoresherwithportwine,whichshemust take medicinally. If any gentleman be standing by the pianoduringtheprogressoftheballad,Mr.Mincinseizeshimbythearmatonepointofthemelody,andsoftlybeatingtimethewhilewithhishead,expresses indumbshowhis intenseperceptionof thedelicacyof thepassage.Ifanybody’sself-loveistobeflattered,Mr.Mincinisathand.If anybody’s overweening vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin willsurfeit it. WhatwonderthatpeopleofallstationsandagesrecogniseMr.Mincin’sfriendliness;thatheisuniversallyallowedtobehandsomeas amiable; that mothers think him an oracle, daughters a dear,brothersabeau,andfathersawonder! Andwhowouldnothavethereputationoftheveryfriendlyyounggentleman?

THEMILITARYYOUNGGENTLEMAN

Weareratheratalosstoimaginehowithascometopassthatmilitaryyoung gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes of the

youngladiesofthiskingdom.Wecannotthinksolightlyofthemastosuppose that the mere circumstance of a man’s wearing a red coatensureshimareadypassporttotheirregard;andevenifthiswerethecase, it would be no satisfactory explanation of the circumstance,because,although theanalogymay insomedegreeholdgood in thecase of mail coachmen and guards, still general postmen wear redcoats, and they are not to our knowledge better received than othermen;norare firemeneither,whowear (orused towear)notonly redcoats,butveryresplendentandmassivebadgesbesides—muchlargerthanepaulettes.Neitherdothetwopennypost-officeboys,iftheresultof our inquiriesbe correct, findanypeculiar favour inwoman’seyes,although they wear very bright red jackets, and have the additionaladvantageof constantlyappearing inpubliconhorseback,which lastcircumstancemaybenaturallysupposedtobegreatlyintheirfavour.Wehavesometimesthoughtthatthisphenomenonmaytakeitsriseinthe conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and othergentlemen in red coats on the stage, where they are invariablyrepresentedasfineswaggeringfellows,talkingofnothingbutcharminggirls,theirkingandcountry,theirhonour,andtheirdebts,andcrowingover the inferior classes of the community, whom they occasionallytreatwithalittlegentlemanlyswindling,nolesstotheimprovementandpleasureof theaudience, than to thesatisfactionandapprovalof thechoice spirits who consort with them. But we will not devote thesepagestoourspeculationsuponthesubject,inasmuchasourbusinessat thepresentmoment isnotsomuchwith theyoung ladieswhoarebewitchedbyherMajesty’sliveryaswiththeyounggentlemenwhoseheadsare turnedby it. For ‘heads’wehadwritten ‘brains;’butuponconsideration, we think the former themore appropriate word of thetwo.These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—younggentlemenwho are actually in the army, and young gentlemenwho,having an intense and enthusiastic admiration for all thingsappertaining to a military life, are compelled by adverse fortune oradverserelationstowearouttheirexistenceinsomeignoblecounting-house.Wewilltakethislatterdescriptionofmilitaryyounggentlemenfirst.The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman areconcentrated in his favourite topic. There is nothing that he is solearned upon as uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering for an

instant,what thehabilimentsofanyone regimentare turnedupwith,whatregimentwearstripesdowntheoutsideandinsideoftheleg,andhowmanybuttonstheTenthhadontheircoats;heknowstoafractionhowmanyyardsandoddinchesofgoldlaceittakestomakeanensignin the Guards; is deeply read in the comparative merits of differentbands,andtheapparellingoftrumpeters;andisveryluminousindeedin descanting upon ‘crack regiments,’ and the ‘crack’ gentlemenwhocomposethem,ofwhosemightinessandgrandeurheisnevertiredoftelling.Weweresuggestingtoamilitaryyounggentlemanonlytheotherday,afterhehadrelatedtousseveraldazzlinginstancesoftheprofusionofhalf-a-dozenhonourableensignsomebodiesornobodiesinthearticlesof kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly ‘cracked’ regimentswould be an improvement upon ‘crack,’ as being amore expressiveand appropriate designation, when he suddenly interrupted us bypullingouthiswatch,andobservingthathemusthurryofftotheParkinacab,orhewouldbetoolatetohearthebandplay.Notwishingtointerferewith so important an engagement, and being in fact alreadyslightly overwhelmed by the anecdotes of the honourable ensignsafore-mentioned, we made no attempt to detain the military younggentleman,butpartedcompanywithreadygood-will.Somethreeorfourhoursafterwards,wechancedtobewalkingdownWhitehall,ontheAdmiraltysideoftheway,when,aswedrewneartooneofthelittlestoneplacesinwhichacoupleofhorsesoldiersmountguardinthedaytime,wewereattractedbythemotionlessappearanceandeagergazeofayounggentleman,whowasdevouringbothmanandhorsewithhiseyes,soeagerly,thatheseemeddeafandblindtoall thatwaspassingaroundhim. Wewerenotmuchsurprisedat thediscovery that it was our friend, the military young gentleman, butwewere a little astonished when we returned from a walk to SouthLambeth to find him still there, lookingonwith the same intensity asbefore.Asitwasaverywindyday,wefeltboundtoawakentheyounggentleman from his reverie, when he inquired of us with greatenthusiasm, whether ‘that was not a glorious spectacle,’ andproceededtogiveusadetailedaccountoftheweightofeveryarticleofthespectacle’strappings,fromtheman’sglovestothehorse’sshoes.Wehavemadeitapracticesince,totaketheHorseGuardsinourdailywalk,andwefinditisthecustomofmilitaryyounggentlementoplantthemselvesopposite thesentries,andcontemplate themat leisure, in

periodsvaryingfromfifteenminutestofifty,andaveragingtwenty-five.Weweremuchstruckadayor twosince,by thebehaviourofaverypromisingyoungbutcherwho(evincinganinterestintheservice,whichcannotbetoostronglycommandedorencouraged),afteraprolongedinspection of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with greatcuriosity,andasmuchcomposureandindifferenceasifthemanwerewax-work.But the reallymilitaryyounggentleman iswaitingall this time,andattheverymomentthatanapologyrisestoourlips,heemergesfromthebarrackgate (he is quartered in agarrison town), and takes thewaytowards the high street. He wears his undress uniform, whichsomewhatmarsthegloryofhisoutwardman;butstillhowgreat,howgrand,heis!Whatahappymixtureofeaseandferocityinhisgaitandcarriage,andhowlightlyhecarriesthatdreadfulswordunderhisarm,makingnomoreadoaboutitthanifitwereasilkumbrella!Thelionissleeping:onlythinkifanenemywereinsight,howsoonhe’dwhipitoutofthescabbard,andwhataterriblefellowhewouldbe!Buthewalkson,thinkingofnothinglessthanbloodandslaughter;andnowhecomesinsightofthreeothermilitaryyounggentlemen,arm-in-arm,whoarebearingdown towardshim,clanking their ironheelsonthe pavement, and clashing their swords with a noise, which shouldcauseallpeacefulmentoquailatheart.Theystoptotalk.Seehowtheflaxen-hairedyounggentlemanwiththeweaklegs—hewhohashispocket-handkerchief thrust into thebreastofhiscoat-glaresupon thefainthearted civilianswho linger to look upon his glory; how the nextyounggentlemanelevateshishead in theair,andmajesticallyplaceshisarmsa-kimbo,whilethethirdstandswithhislegsverywideapart,andclaspshishandsbehindhim.Wellmayweinquire—notinfamiliarjest, but in respectful earnest—if you call that nothing. Oh! if someencroaching foreign power—the Emperor of Russia, for instance, orany of those deep fellows, could only see those military younggentlemenastheymoveontogethertowardsthebilliard-roomovertheway,wouldn’thetremblealittle!And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are bycommand of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison—whatasplendidsight it is! Howsternlythedefendersoftheircountrylookroundthehouseasifinmuteassurancetotheaudience,thattheymaymakethemselvescomfortableregardinganyforeign invasion, forthey(themilitaryyounggentlemen)arekeepingasharplook-out,and

are ready foranything. Andwhatacontrastbetween them,and thatstage-boxfullofgrey-headedofficerswithtokensofmanybattlesaboutthem, who have nothing at all in common with the military younggentlemen,andwho—butforanold-fashionedkindofmanlydignityintheir looks and bearing—might be common hard-working soldiers foranythingtheytakethepainstoannouncetothecontrary!Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headedyounggentleman;andtheflaxen-headedyounggentlemanrecognisesthem too, only he doesn’t care to show it just now. Very well doneindeed!Hetalksloudertothelittlegroupofmilitaryyounggentlemenwhoarestandingbyhim,andcoughstoinducesomeladiesinthenextboxbutone to look round, inorder that their facesmayundergo thesameordealofcriticismtowhichtheyhavesubjected, innotawhollyinaudibletone,themajorityofthefemaleportionoftheaudience.Oh!a gentleman in the same box looks round as if hewere disposed toresent this as an impertinence; and the flaxen-headed younggentlemanseeshisfriendsatonce,andhurriesawaytothemwiththemostcharmingcordiality.Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party,receivethemilitaryyounggentlemanwithgreatwarmthandpoliteness,andinfiveminutesafterwardsthemilitaryyounggentleman,stimulatedbythemamma,introducesthetwoothermilitaryyounggentlemenwithwhomhewaswalkinginthemorning,whotaketheirseatsbehindtheyoung ladies and commence conversation; whereat the mammabestows a triumphant bow upon a rival mamma, who has notsucceededindecoyinganymilitaryyounggentlemen,andpreparestoconsiderhervisitors from thatmoment threeof themostelegantandsuperioryounggentlemeninthewholeworld.

THEPOLITICALYOUNGGENTLEMAN

Once upon a time—not in the days when pigs drank wine, but in amorerecentperiodofourhistory—itwascustomary tobanishpoliticswhenladieswerepresent.Ifthisusagestillprevailed,weshouldhavehad no chapter for political young gentlemen, for ladies would haveneither known nor cared what kind of monster a political younggentlemanwas.Butasthisgoodcustomincommonwithmanyothershas‘goneout,’andleftnowordwhenit islikelytobehomeagain;aspolitical young ladies are by no means rare, and political young

gentlemen the very reverse of scarce, we are bound in the strictdischarge of our most responsible duty not to neglect this naturaldivisionofoursubject.If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (andtherearepoliticalyounggentlemenincountrytownssometimes),heiswholly absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectaclescommunicatethesameuniformtint toallobjectsnearandremote,sothepoliticalglasses,withwhichtheyounggentlemanassistshismentalvision, give to everything the hue and tinge of party feeling. Thepoliticalyounggentlemanwouldassoonthinkofbeingstruckwiththebeautyofayoungladyintheoppositeinterest,ashewoulddreamofmarryinghissistertotheoppositemember.If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usuallysomevague ideasabout Irelandand thePopewhichhe cannot veryclearlyexplain,butwhichheknowsaretherightsortofthing,andnottobeveryeasilygotoverbytheotherside.Hehasalsosomechoicesentencesregardingchurchandstate,culledfromthebannersinuseat the last election, with which he intersperses his conversation atintervalswithsurprisingeffect. Buthisgreat topic is theconstitution,uponwhichhewilldeclaim,bythehourtogether,withmuchheatandfury; not that he has any particular information on the subject, butbecauseheknowsthattheconstitutionissomehowchurchandstate,andchurchandstatesomehowtheconstitution,andthatthefellowsontheothersidesay it isn’t,which isquiteasufficient reason forhim tosayitis,andtosticktoit.Perhapshisgreatesttopicofall,though,isthepeople.Ifafighttakesplaceinapopuloustown,inwhichmanynosesarebroken,andafewwindows, the young gentleman throws down the newspaper with atriumphantair,andexclaims, ‘Here’syourpreciouspeople!’ Ifhalf-a-dozen boys run across the course at race time,when it ought to bekeptclear,theyounggentlemanlooksindignantlyround,andbegsyoutoobservetheconductofthepeople;ifthegallerydemandahornpipebetweentheplayandtheafterpiece,thesameyounggentlemancries‘No’and‘Shame’tillheishoarse,andtheninquireswithasneerwhatyouthinkofpopularmoderationnow;inshort,thepeopleformanever-failing theme for him; and when the attorney, on the side of hiscandidate, dwells upon it with great power of eloquence at electiontime,asheneverfailstodo,theyounggentlemanandhisfriends,andthebodytheyhead,cheerwithgreatviolenceagainsttheotherpeople,

withwhom,ofcourse,theyhavenopossibleconnexion. Inmuchthesamemannertheaudienceatatheatreneverfailtobehighlyamusedwithanyjokesattheexpenseofthepublic—alwayslaughingheartilyatsomeotherpublic,andneveratthemselves.If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a veryprofoundpersonindeed,havinggreatstoreoftheoreticalquestionstoput to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and logicaldeductions therefrom. If he be of the utilitarian school, too,which ismorethanprobable,heisparticularlypleasantcompany,havingmanyingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary principle and variouscheerfuldisquisitionsconnectedwiththepopulationofthecountry,theposition of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the balance ofpower. Thenhe isexceedinglywellversed inalldoctrinesofpoliticaleconomy as laid down in the newspapers, and knows a greatmanyparliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he has a small stock ofaphorisms,noneof themexceedingacoupleof lines in length,whichwillsettlethetoughestquestionandleaveyounothingtosay.Hegivesalltheyoungladiestounderstand,thatMissMartineauisthegreatestwoman that ever lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr.Hawkinsthenewmember,sayshe’sverywellforarepresentative,allthings considered, but he wants a little calling to account, and he ismore than half afraid it will be necessary to bring him down on hiskneesforthatvoteonthemiscellaneousestimates.Atthis,theyoungladies express much wonderment, and say surely a Member ofParliament is not to be brought upon his knees so easily; in reply towhichthepoliticalyounggentlemansmilessternly,andthrowsoutdarkhints regarding the speedy arrival of that day, when Members ofParliament will be paid salaries, and required to render weeklyaccounts of their proceedings, at which the young ladies uttermanyexpressions of astonishment and incredulity, while their lady-mothersregardtheprophecyaslittleelsethanblasphemous.It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political younggentlemen,ofdiverseopinions,discusssomegreatquestionacrossadinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were admitted toWestminsterAbbeyfornothing,theywouldorwouldnotconveysmallchisels and hammers in their pockets, and immediately set aboutchippingallthenosesoffthestatues;orwhether,iftheyoncegotintotheTowerforashilling,theywouldnotinsistupontryingthecrownontheir own heads, and loading and firing off all the small arms in the

armoury,tothegreatdiscomposureofWhitechapelandtheMinories.Upon these,andmanyothermomentousquestionswhichagitate thepublic mind in these desperate days, they will discourse with greatvehemenceandirritationforaconsiderabletimetogether,bothleavingoffpreciselywheretheybegan,andeachthoroughlypersuadedthathehasgotthebetteroftheother.Insociety,atassemblies,balls,andplayhouses, thesepoliticalyounggentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political allusion, oranything which can be tortured or construed into being one; when,thrustingthemselvesintotheverysmallestopeningsfortheirfavouritediscourse, they fallupon theunhappycompany toothandnail. Theyhave recently had many favourable opportunities of opening inchurches,butastheretheclergymanhasitallhisownway,andmustnotbecontradicted,whateverpoliticshepreaches,theyarefaintoholdtheir tongues until they reach the outer door, thoughat the imminentriskofburstingintheeffort.As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative partiesconcerned,wehopetheywillhenceforthtakethehintanddiscontinuethem, otherwisewenowgive themwarning, that the ladieshaveouradvicetodiscountenancesuchtalkersaltogether.

THEDOMESTICYOUNGGENTLEMAN

Letusmakeaslightsketchofouramiablefriend,Mr.FelixNixon.Wearestronglydisposed to think, that ifweputhim in thisplace,hewillanswerourpurposewithoutanotherwordofcomment.Felix, then, isayounggentlemanwho livesathomewithhismother,justwithinthetwopenny-postofficecircleofthreemilesfromSt.Martin-le-Grand. Hewears Indiarubbergolosheswhen theweather is at alldamp,andalwayshasasilkhandkerchiefneatlyfoldedupintheright-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over his mouth when he goeshome at night; moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carriesspectacles for particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulousvoice,ofwhichhemakesgreatuse, forhe talksasmuchasanyoldladybreathing.ThetwochiefsubjectsofFelix’sdiscourse,arehimselfandhismother,both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and interestingpersons. AsFelixandhismotherareseldomapart inbody,soFelixand hismother are scarcely ever separate in spirit. If you ask Felix

how he finds himself to-day, he prefaces his reply with a long andminutebulletinofhismother’sstateofhealth;andthegoodladyinherturn, edifies her acquaintance with a circumstantial and alarmingaccount,howhesneezedfourtimesandcoughedonceafterbeingoutin the rain the other night, but having his feet promptly put into hotwater,andhisheadintoaflannel-something,whichwewillnotdescribemore particularly than by this delicate allusion, was happily broughtroundbythenextmorning,andenabledtogotobusinessasusual.Ourfriendisnotaveryadventurousorhot-headedperson,buthehaspassedthroughmanydangers,ashismothercantestify: thereisonegreatstoryinparticular,concerningahackneycoachmanwhowantedto overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the play,uponwhichFelixgavetheaforesaidcoachmanalookwhichhismotherthoughtwouldhavecrushedhimtotheearth,butwhichdidnotcrushhim quite, for he continued to demand another sixpence,notwithstandingthatFelixtookouthispocket-book,and,withtheaidofa flat candle, pointed out the fare in print, which the coachmanobstinatelydisregarding,heshutthestreet-doorwithaslamwhichhismother shudders to think of; and then, roused to themost appallingpitch of passion by the coachman knocking a double knock to showthathewasbynomeansconvinced,hebrokewithuncontrollableforcefromhisparentandtheservantgirl,andrunningintothestreetwithouthishat,actuallyshookhisfistatthecoachman,andcamebackagainwithafaceaswhite,Mrs.Nixonsays,lookingaboutherforasimile,aswhiteasthatceiling.Sheneverwillforgethisfurythatnight,Never!TothisaccountFelixlistenswithasolemnface,occasionallylookingatyoutoseehowitaffectsyou,andwhenhismotherhasmadeanendofit, adds that he looked at every coachman he met for three weeksafterwards,inhopesthathemightseethescoundrel;whereuponMrs.Nixon,withanexclamationof terror, requests toknowwhathewouldhavedonetohimifhehadseenhim,atwhichFelixsmilingdarklyandclenching his right fist, she exclaims, ‘Goodness gracious!’ with adistractedair,andinsistsuponextortingapromisethatheneverwillonany account do anything so rash, which her dutiful son—it beingsomethingmore than threeyearssince theoffencewascommitted—reluctantly concedes,andhismother, shakingherheadprophetically,fearswithasighthathisspiritwillleadhimintosomethingviolentyet.Thediscourse then,byaneasy transition, turnsupon thespiritwhichglows within the bosom of Felix, upon which point Felix himself

becomeseloquent,andrelatesathrillinganecdoteofthetimewhenheusedtositup till twoo’clock in themorningreadingFrench,andhowhismotherusedtosay,‘Felix,youwillmakeyourselfill,Iknowyouwill;’andhowheusedtosay,‘Mother,Idon’tcare—Iwilldoit;’andhowatlasthismotherprivatelyprocuredadoctortocomeandseehim,whodeclared,themomenthefelthispulse,thatifhehadgoneonreadingonenightmore—onlyonenightmore—hemusthaveputablisteroneachtemple,andanotherbetweenhisshoulders;andwho,as itwas,satdownupontheinstant,andwritingaprescriptionforabluepill,saidit must be taken immediately, or he wouldn’t answer for theconsequences. The recitalof theseandmanyothermovingperilsofthe like nature, constantly harrows up the feelings of Mr. Nixon’sfriends.Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance,being a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to theunmarriedgirls among themshe is constantly vaunting the virtuesofherson,hintingthatshewillbeaveryhappypersonwhowinshim,butthat they must mind their P’s and Q’s, for he is very particular, andterriblysevereuponyoungladies.Atthislastcautiontheyoungladiesresident in the same row, who happen to be spending the eveningthere, put their pocket-handkerchiefs before their mouths, and aretroubledwithashortcough;justthenFelixknocksatthedoor,andhismother drawing the tea-table nearer the fire, calls out to him as hetakesoffhisbootsinthebackparlourthatheneedn’tmindcomingininhisslippers,forthereareonlythetwoMissGreysandMissThompson,andsheisquitesuretheywillexcusehim,andnoddingtothetwoMissGreys,sheadds,inawhisper,thatJuliaThompsonisagreatfavouritewithFelix,atwhichintelligencetheshortcoughcomesagain,andMissThompson in particular is greatly troubledwith it, till Felix coming in,very faint for want of his tea, changes the subject of discourse, andenables her to laugh out boldly and tell Amelia Grey not to be sofoolish.Heretheyallthreelaugh,andMrs.Nixonsaystheyaregiddygirls; in which stage of the proceedings, Felix, who has by this timerefreshened himself with the grateful herb that ‘cheers but notinebriates,’ removes his cup from his countenance and says with aknowingsmile,thatallgirlsare;whereathisadmiringmammapatshimonthebackandtellshimnottobesly,whichcallsforthagenerallaughfromtheyoung ladies,andanothersmile fromFelix,who, thinkinghelooksveryslyindeed,isperfectlysatisfied.

Teabeingover, theyoung ladies resume theirwork,andFelix insistsuponholdingaskeinofsilkwhileMissThompsonwindsitonacard.Thisprocesshavingbeenperformedtothesatisfactionofallparties,hebringsdownhis flute incompliancewitha request from theyoungestMissGrey, andplaysdivers tunesout of a very smallmusic-book tillsupper-time,whenhe is very facetious and talkative indeed. Finally,afterhalfatumblerfulofwarmsherryandwater,hegallantlyputsonhisgoloshesoverhisslippers,andtellingMissThompson’sservanttorunon firstandget thedooropen,escorts thatyoung lady toherhouse,five doors off: the Miss Greys who live in the next house but onestopping to peepwithmerry faces from their own door till he comesbackagain,when they call out ‘Verywell,Mr.Felix,’ and trip into thepassagewithalaughmoremusicalthananyflutethatwaseverplayed.Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little priggishabout his books and flute, and so forth,which have all their peculiarcorners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed all his femaleacquaintance(andtheyaregoodjudges)havelongagosethimdownasathorougholdbachelor.Heisafavouritewiththemhowever,inacertainway, as an honest, inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and ashis peculiarities harm nobody, not even himself, we are induced tohope thatmanywhoarenotpersonallyacquaintedwithhimwill takeour good word in his behalf, and be content to leave him to a longcontinuanceofhisharmlessexistence.

THECENSORIOUSYOUNGGENTLEMAN

There is anamiable kindof younggentlemangoingabout in society,uponwhom, aftermuch experience of him, and considerable turningoverof thesubject inourmind,we feel it ourduty toaffix theaboveappellation.Youngladiesmildlycallhima‘sarcastic’younggentleman,ora‘severe’younggentleman.We,whoknowbetter,begtoacquaintthemwith the fact, that he ismerely a censorious young gentleman,andnothingelse.The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among hisfamiliars of a remarkably clever person, which he maintains byreceiving all intelligence and expressing all opinions with a dubioussneer, accompanied with a half smile, expressive of anything youplease but good-humour. This sets people about thinking what onearththecensoriousyounggentlemanmeans,andtheyspeedilyarrive

attheconclusionthathemeanssomethingverydeepindeed;fortheyreasoninthisway—‘Thisyounggentlemanlookssoveryknowingthathemustmeansomething,andasIambynomeansadull individual,what a very deepmeaning hemust have if I can’t find it out!’ It isextraordinary how soon a censorious young gentlemanmaymake areputation in his own small circle if he bear this in his mind, andregulatehisproceedingsaccordingly.As young ladies are generally—not curious, but laudably desirous toacquire information, the censorious young gentleman ismuch talkedaboutamongthem,andmanysurmisesarehazardedregardinghim.‘Iwonder,’exclaimstheeldestMissGreenwood,layingdownherworktoturnupthe lamp, ‘IwonderwhetherMr.Fairfaxwilleverbemarried.’‘Bless me, dear,’ cries Miss Marshall, ‘what ever made you think ofhim?’ ‘Really I hardly know,’ repliesMissGreenwood; ‘he is such averymysteriousperson, that I oftenwonderabouthim.’ ‘Well, to tellyou the truth,’ replies Miss Marshall, ‘and so do I.’ Here two otheryoung ladies profess that they are constantly doing the like, and allpresentappearinthesameconditionexceptoneyounglady,who,notscruplingtostatethatsheconsidersMr.Fairfax‘ahorror,’drawsdownalltheoppositionoftheothers,whichhavingbeenexpressedinagreatmanyejaculatorypassages,suchas‘Well,didIever!’—and‘Lor,Emily,dear!’matakesup thesubject,andgravelystates, thatshemustsayshedoesnotthinkMr.Fairfaxbyanymeansahorror,butrathertakeshimtobeayoungmanofverygreatability;‘andIamquitesure,’addstheworthylady,‘healwaysmeansagreatdealmorethanhesays.’Thedooropensat thispointof thedisclosure,andwhoofall peoplealivewalks into the room,but theveryMr.Fairfax,whohasbeen thesubjectofconversation!‘Well,itreallyiscurious,’criesma,‘wewereatthatverymomenttalkingaboutyou.’‘Youdidmegreathonour,’repliesMr.Fairfax;‘mayIventuretoaskwhatyouweresaying?’‘Why,ifyoumust know,’ returns the eldest girl, ‘we were remarking what a verymysteriousmanyouare.’‘Ay,ay!’observesMr.Fairfax,‘Indeed!’NowMr.Fairfaxsaysthisay,ay,andindeed,whichareslightwordsenoughin themselves, with so very unfathomable an air, and accompaniesthemwithsuchaveryequivocalsmile, thatmaand theyoung ladiesaremorethaneverconvincedthathemeansanimmensity,andsotellhimheisaverydangerousman,andseemstobealwaysthinkingillofsomebody, which is precisely the sort of character the censoriousyounggentlemanismostdesiroustoestablish;whereforehesays,‘Oh,

dear,no,’ inatone,obviously intendedtomean, ‘Youhavemethere,’andwhichgivesthemtounderstandthattheyhavehittherightnailontheverycentreofitshead.When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging thecensoriousyounggentleman’sbehaviour, to thegeneral topicsof theday, he sustains his character to admiration. He considers the newtragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us—well, nomatter;hecouldsayagreatdealonthatpoint,buthewouldrathernot,lestheshouldbethoughtill-natured,asheknowshewouldbe.‘Butisnot Mr. So-and-so’s performance truly charming?’ inquires a younglady. ‘Charming!’repliesthecensoriousyounggentleman. ‘Oh,dear,yes,certainly;verycharming—oh,verycharmingindeed.’Afterthis,hestirsthefire,smilingcontemptuouslyallthewhile:andamodestyounggentleman,whohasbeenasilent listener, thinkswhatagreatthingitmustbe, tohavesuchacritical judgment. Ofmusic,pictures,books,and poetry, the censorious young gentleman has an equally fineconception. As tomen andwomen, he can tell all about them at aglance. ‘Now let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,’ sayssome great believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, ‘but don’t be toosevere.’‘Ineveramsevere,’repliesthecensoriousyounggentleman.‘Well,nevermindthatnow. She isvery lady-like, isshenot?’ ‘Lady-like!’ repeats thecensoriousyounggentleman (forhealways repeatswhen he is at a loss for anything to say). ‘Did you observe hermanner? Blessmyheartandsoul,Mrs.Thompson,didyouobservehermanner?—that’s all I ask.’ ‘I thought I had done so,’ rejoins thepoorlady,muchperplexed;‘Ididnotobserveitverycloselyperhaps.’‘Oh, not very closely,’ rejoins the censorious young gentleman,triumphantly. ‘Verygood; then Idid. Letus talknomoreabouther.’Thecensoriousyounggentlemanpursesuphislips,andnodshisheadsagely, as he says this; and it is forthwith whispered about, thatMr.Fairfax(who,thoughheisalittleprejudiced,mustbeadmittedtobeaveryexcellentjudge)hasobservedsomethingexceedinglyoddinMrs.Barker’smanner.

THEFUNNYYOUNGGENTLEMAN

As one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funnyyoungGentlemenwe purposemerely to note down the conduct andbehaviourofanindividualspecimenofthisclass,whomwehappened

tomeetatanannual familyChristmasparty inthecourseof thisverylastChristmasthatevercame.Wewereall seated roundablazing firewhichcrackledpleasantlyastheguests talkedmerrilyand theurnsteamedcheerily—for,beinganold-fashioned party, therewas an urn, and a teapot besides—whentherecameapostman’sknockatthedoor,soviolentandsudden,thatit startled the whole circle, and actually caused two or three veryinterestingandmostunaffected young ladies to screamaloudand toexhibitmanyafflictingsymptomsof terroranddistress,until theyhadbeenseveraltimesassuredbytheirrespectiveadorers,thattheywereinnodanger.Wewereabouttoremarkthatitwassurelybeyondpost-time,andmusthavebeenarunawayknock,whenourhost,whohadhitherto been paralysed with wonder, sank into a chair in a perfectecstasyof laughter,andoffered to lay twentypounds that itwas thatdrolldogGriggins.Hehadnosoonersaidthis,thanthemajorityofthecompanyandallthechildrenofthehouseburstintoaroaroflaughtertoo,as ifsomeinimitable jokeflasheduponthemsimultaneously,andgaveventtovariousexclamationsof—TobesureitmustbeGriggins,andHow like him that was, andWhat spirits hewas always in! withmanyothercommendatoryremarksofthelikenature.Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremelydesirous to see so pleasant a fellow, themore especially as a stoutgentlemanwith a powdered head,whowas sittingwith his breechesbucklesalmosttouchingthehob,whisperedushewasawitofthefirstwater, when the door opened, and Mr. Griggins being announced,presented himself, amidst another shout of laughter and a loudclapping of hands from the younger branches. This welcome heacknowledged by sundry contortions of countenance, imitative of theclown in one of the new pantomimes, which were so extremelysuccessful, that one stout gentleman rolled upon an ottoman in aparoxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps, that if somebodydidn’tmakethatfellowGrigginsleaveoff,hewouldbethedeathofhim,he knew. At this the company only laughedmore boisterously thanbefore, and aswe always like to accommodate our tone and spirit ifpossible to the humour of any society in which we find ourself, welaughedwiththerest,andexclaimed, ‘Oh!capital,capital!’as loudasanyofthem.Whenhehadquiteexhaustedallbeholders,Mr.Grigginsreceivedthewelcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through the

needfulintroductionswithmucheaseandmanypuns.Thisceremonyover, he avowedhis intention of sitting in somebody’s lap unless theyoungladiesmaderoomforhimonthesofa,whichbeingdone,afteragreat deal of tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself amongthem,andlikenedhisconditiontothatofloveamongtheroses.Atthisnovel jest we all roared once more. ‘You should consider yourselfhighly honoured, sir,’ saidwe. ‘Sir,’ repliedMr.Griggins, ‘you domeproud.’Hereeverybodylaughedagain;andthestoutgentlemanbythefirewhisperedinourearthatGrigginswasmakingadeadsetatus.Thetea-thingshavingbeenremoved,weallsatdowntoaroundgame,and hereMr.Griggins shone forthwith peculiar brilliancy, abstractingother people’s fish, and lookingover their hands in themost comicalmanner.Hemadeonemostexcellentjokeinsnuffingacandle,whichwasneithermorenorlessthansettingfiretothehairofapaleyounggentlemanwhosatnexthim,andafterwardsbegginghispardonwithconsiderablehumour.Astheyounggentlemancouldnotseethejokehowever, possibly in consequence of its being on the top of his ownhead,itdidnotgooffquiteaswellasitmighthavedone;indeed,theyoung gentleman was heard to murmur some general references to‘impertinence,’anda‘rascal,’andtostatethenumberofhislodgingsinan angry tone—a turn of the conversation which might have beenproductiveofslaughterousconsequences,ifayounglady,betrothedtothe younggentleman, hadnot usedher immediate influence to bringabout a reconciliation: emphatically declaring in an agitated whisper,intendedforhispeculiaredificationbutaudibletothewholetable,thatifhewentoninthatway,sheneverwouldthinkofhimotherwisethanasafriend,thoughasthatshemustalwaysregardhim.Atthisterriblethreat the young gentleman became calm, and the young lady,overcomebytherevulsionoffeeling,instantaneouslyfainted.Mr.Griggins’sspiritswereslightlydepressedforashortperiodbythisunlooked-for resultofsuchaharmlesspleasantry,butbeingpromptlyelevatedbytheattentionsofthehostandseveralglassesofwine,hesoon recovered, and became even more vivacious than before,insomuch that the stoutgentlemanpreviously referred to, assuredusthat although he had known him since he was that high (somethingsmaller than a nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in suchexcellentcue.When the round game and several games at blindman’s buff whichfollowed it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the

inexhaustibleMr.Grigginsproducedasmallsprigofmistletoefromhiswaistcoatpocket,andcommencedageneralkissingoftheassembledfemales, which occasioned great commotion and much excitement.We observed that several young gentlemen—including the younggentlemanwiththepalecountenance—weregreatlyscandalisedatthisindecorous proceeding, and talked very big among themselves incorners; and we observed too, that several young ladies whenremonstratedwithbytheaforesaidyounggentlemen,calledeachotherto witness how they had struggled, and protested vehemently that itwasveryrude,andthattheyweresurprisedatMrs.Brown’sallowingit,and that they couldn’t bear it, and had no patience with suchimpertinence. But such is thegentleand forgivingnatureofwoman,that althoughwe looked very narrowly for it,we could not detect theslightest harshness in the subsequent treatment of Mr. Griggins.Indeed,uponthewhole,itstruckusthatamongtheladiesheseemedrathermorepopularthanbefore!To recountall thedrolleryofMr.Grigginsat supper,would fill suchatinyvolumeas this, to theverybottomof theoutsidecover. Howhedrankoutofotherpeople’sglasses,andateofotherpeople’sbread,how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who wassitting up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table andsuddenly reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was reallysurprised that anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting children,andhow thehost frownedat thehostess,and feltconvinced thatMr.Griggins had done it with the very best intentions; howMr. Grigginsexplained, and how everybody’s good-humour was restored but thechild’s;—totelltheseandahundredotherthingseversobriefly,wouldoccupymoreofourroomandourreaders’patience,thaneithertheyorwecanconvenientlyspare.Thereforewechangethesubject,merelyobserving that we have offered no description of the funny younggentleman’spersonalappearance,believing thatalmosteverysocietyhas a Griggins of its own, and leaving all readers to supply thedeficiency,accordingto theparticularcircumstancesof theirparticularcase.

THETHEATRICALYOUNGGENTLEMAN

Allgentlemenwholovethedrama—andtherearefewgentlemenwhoare not attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our

amusements—donotcomewithinthisdefinition.Aswehavenomeanrelish for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedlyanxiousthatthisshouldbeperfectlyunderstood.Thetheatricalyounggentlemanhasearlyandimportantinformationonalltheatricaltopics.‘Well,’sayshe,abruptly,whenyoumeethiminthestreet, ‘here’s a pretty to-do. Flimkins has thrown up his part in themelodramaat theSurrey.’—‘Andwhat’s tobedone?’you inquirewithasmuchgravityasyoucancounterfeit. ‘Ah, that’s thepoint,’ repliesthetheatricalyounggentleman, lookingveryserious; ‘Boozledeclinesit; positively declines it. From all I am told, I should say it wasdecidedly inBoozle’s line,andthathewouldbevery likely tomakeagreathitinit;butheobjectsonthegroundofFlimkinshavingbeenputupinthepartfirst,andsaysnoearthlypowershallinducehimtotakethecharacter.It’safinepart,too—excellentbusiness,I’mtold.Hehastokillsixpeopleinthecourseofthepiece,andtofightoverabridgeinredfire,whichisassafeacard,youknow,ascanbe.Don’tmentionit;but I hear that the last scene, when he is first poisoned, and thenstabbed,byMrs.FlimkinsasVengedora,willbethegreatestthingthathasbeendonethesemanyyears.’Withthispieceofnews,andlayinghisfingeronhislipsasacautionforyounottoexcitethetownwithit,thetheatricalyounggentlemanhurriesaway.The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the differenttheatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for them all.ThusCovent-Garden is the garden,Drury-Lane the lane, theVictoriathevic,andtheOlympicthepic.Actresses,too,arealwaysdesignatedbytheirsurnamesonly,asTaylor,Nisbett,Faucit,Honey;thattalentedandlady-likegirlSheriff,thatcleverlittlecreatureHorton,andsoon.Inthe same manner he prefixes Christian names when he mentionsactors, as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, PaulBedford. When he is at a loss for a Christian name, the word ‘old’appliedindiscriminatelyanswersquiteaswell:asoldCharleyMatthewsatVestris’s,oldHarley,andoldBraham.Hehasagreatknowledgeoftheprivateproceedingsofactresses,especiallyoftheirgettingmarried,and can tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have changed theirnameswithoutavowingit.Wheneveranalterationofthiskindismadein the playbills, hewill remind you that he let you into the secret sixmonthsago.The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that isconnected with the stage department of the different theatres. He

would, at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way, toomitting to pass a stage-entrance, intowhich he always lookswith acuriousandsearchingeye.Ifhecanonlyidentifyapopularactorinthestreet,heisinaperfecttransportofdelight;andnosoonermeetshim,thanhehurriesback,andwalksafewpacesinfrontofhim,sothathecan turn round from time to time, and have a good stare at hisfeatures. He looks upon a theatrical-fund dinner as one of themostenchanting festivitiesever known;and thinks that tobeamemberoftheGarrickClub,andseesomanyactorsintheirplainclothes,mustbeoneofthehighestgratificationstheworldcanbestow.Thetheatricalyounggentlemanisaconstanthalf-pricevisitoratoneorother of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all pieces whichdisplay the fullest resources of the establishment. He likes to placeimplicitrelianceupontheplay-billswhenhegoestoseeashow-piece,and works himself up to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not only tobelieve (if thebillssayso) that thereare threehundredandseventy-five people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but is highlyindignantwithyou,unlessyoubelieveitalso.Heconsidersthatifthestagebeopenedfromthefoot-lightstothebackwall,inanynewplay,thepiece isa triumphof dramaticwriting, andapplaudsaccordingly.Hehasagreatnotionoftrap-doorstoo;andthinksanycharactergoingdown or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be an angel or ademon—theybothdoitoccasionally)oneofthemostinterestingfeatsinthewholerangeofscenicillusion.Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts tocommunicateof theprivatemannersandcustomsofdifferentactors,which,duringthepausesofaquadrille,heusuallycommunicatestohispartner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table. Thus he isadvised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous liverywaiting at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, toadminister half a pint or so of spirit to him every time he came off,withoutwhichassistancehemustinfalliblyhavefainted.Heknowsforafact, that,afteranarduouspart,Mr.GeorgeBennett isputbetweentwofeatherbeds, toabsorbtheperspiration;and iscredibly informed,thatMr.Bakerhas,formanyyears,submittedtoacourseoflukewarmtoast-and-water, toqualifyhimtosustainhis favouritecharacters. HelooksuponMr.FitzBallastheprincipaldramaticgeniusandpoetoftheday;butholdsthattherearegreatwritersextantbesideshim,—inproofwhereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently

produced, of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-pennyeditionsasfastastheyappear.The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence ofemotionandredundancyofaction.Ifafatherhastocurseachilduponthestage,he likes tosee itdone in the thorough-goingstyle,withnomistakeaboutit:towhichenditisessentialthatthechildshouldfollowthefatheronherknees,andbeknockedviolentlyoveronherfacebytheoldgentlemanashegoesintoasmallcottage,andshutsthedoorbehindhim. He likes toseeablessing invokedupontheyoung lady,when the old gentleman repents, with equal earnestness, andaccompaniedbytheusualconventionalforms,whichconsistoftheoldgentlemanlookinganxiouslyupintotheclouds,asiftoseewhetheritrains, and then spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over theyounglady’shead—softmusicplayingall thewhile.Uponthese,andotherpointsofasimilarkind,thetheatricalyounggentlemanisagreatcritic indeed. He is likewise very acute in judging of naturalexpressionsofthepassions,andknowspreciselythefrown,wink,nod,orleer,whichstandsforanyoneofthem,orthemeansbywhichitmaybeconvertedintoanyother:asjealousy,withagoodstampoftherightfoot, becomesanger; orwildness,with thehands claspedbefore thethroat,insteadoftearingthewig,ispassionatelove.Ifyouventuretoexpress a doubt of the accuracy of any of these portraitures, thetheatrical younggentlemanassuresyou,withahaughtysmile, that italwayshasbeendoneinthatway,andhesupposestheyarenotgoingtochangeitatthistimeofdaytopleaseyou;towhich,ofcourse,youmeeklyreplythatyousupposenot.There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which thetheatricalyounggentlemanisveryprofound,especiallytoladieswhomhe ismost in the habit of entertainingwith them; but aswehave nospacetorecapitulatethematgreaterlength,wemustrestcontentwithcalling the attention of the young ladies in general to the theatricalyounggentlemenoftheirownacquaintance.

THEPOETICALYOUNGGENTLEMAN

Time was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemicragedamongtheyounggentlemen,vastnumbersofwhom,undertheinfluenceof themalady, toreoff their neckerchiefs, turneddown theirshirt collars, and exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare

throatsanddejectedcountenances,before theeyesofanastonishedpublic. These were poetical young gentlemen. The custom wasgradually found to be inconvenient, as involving the necessity of toomuch clean linen and too large washing bills, and these outwardsymptoms have consequently passed away; but we are disposed tothink,notwithstanding,thatthenumberofpoeticalyounggentlemenisconsiderablyontheincrease.We know a poetical young gentleman—a very poetical younggentleman.Wedonotmeantosaythatheistroubledwiththegiftofpoesyinanyremarkabledegree,buthiscountenanceisofaplaintiveandmelancholycast,hismannerisabstractedandbespeaksafflictionof soul: he seldom has his hair cut, and often talks about being anoutcastandwantingakindredspirit;fromwhich,aswellasfrommanygeneral observations in which he is wont to indulge, concerningmysteriousimpulses,andyearningsoftheheart,andthesupremacyofintellect gilding all earthly things with the glowing magic of immortalverse,itiscleartoallhisfriendsthathehasbeenstrickenpoetical.Thefavouriteattitudeofthepoeticalyounggentlemanisloungingonasofawithhiseyesfixedupontheceiling,orsittingboltuprightinahigh-backedchair,staringwithveryroundeyesattheoppositewall.Whenheisinoneofthesepositions,hismother,whoisaworthy,affectionateold soul, will give you a nudge to bespeak your attention withoutdisturbing theabstractedone,andwhisperwithashakeof thehead,thatJohn’simaginationisatsomeextraordinaryworkorother,youmaytake herword for it. Hereupon John looksmore fiercely intent uponvacancythanbefore,andsuddenlysnatchingapencilfromhispocket,puts down three words, and a cross on the back of a card, sighsdeeply,pacesonceortwiceacrosstheroom,inflictsamostunmercifulslapuponhishead,andwalksmoodilyuptohisdormitory.The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions ofthings too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poeticalobliquityofvision,wouldsupposetoberatherdistorted.Forinstance,when the sickeningmurder andmangling of awretchedwomanwasaffordingdeliciousfoodwherewithaltogorgetheinsatiablecuriosityofthepublic,ourfriendthepoeticalyounggentlemanwasinecstasies—not of disgust, but admiration. ‘Heavens!’ cried the poetical younggentleman, ‘how grand; how great!’ We ventured deferentially toinquireuponwhomtheseepithetswerebestowed:ourhumblethoughtsoscillating between the police officerwho found the criminal, and the

lock-keeperwhofoundthehead.‘Uponwhom!’exclaimedthepoeticalyoung gentleman in a frenzy of poetry, ‘Upon whom should they bebestowedbutuponthemurderer!’—andthereuponitcameout,inafinetorrent of eloquence, that the murderer was a great spirit, a boldcreature full of daring and nerve, a man of dauntless heart anddeterminedcourage,andwithalagreatcasuistandablereasoner,aswas fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies with the greatandnobleof the land. Weheldourpeace,andmeekly signifiedourindispositiontocontroverttheseopinions—firstly,becausewewerenomatch at quotation for the poetical young gentleman; and secondly,because we felt it would be of little use our entering into anydisputation, ifwewere:beingperfectlyconvincedthattherespectableand immoral hero in question is not the first andwill not be the lasthanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or diseased curiositywillbeplentifullyexpended.Thiswasasternmysticflightofthepoeticalyounggentleman.Inhismilder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his neckcloth,and pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a Lady’sMagazine,orthe‘Poets’Corner’ofsomecountrynewspaper;orwhich,indefaultofeithervent forhisgenius,adorn the rainbow leavesofalady’salbum.ThesearegenerallywrittenuponsomesuchoccasionsascontemplatingtheBankofEnglandbymidnight,orbeholdingSaintPaul’s in a snow-storm;andwhen thesegloomyobjects fail to affordhiminspiration,hepoursforthhissoulinatouchingaddresstoaviolet,or a plaintive lament that he is no longer a child, but has graduallygrownup.The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from hisfavouriteauthors,whoareall of thegloomyanddespondingschool.Hehasagreatdeal tosaytooabouttheworld,andismuchgiventoopining,especiallyifhehastakenanythingstrongtodrink,thatthereisnothinginitworthlivingfor.Hegivesyoutounderstand,however,thatforthesakeofsociety,hemeanstobearhispartinthetiresomeplay,manfully resisting thegratificationofhisownstrongdesire tomakeapremature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection, thatimmortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other greatspiritswhomearthhaschafedandwearied.Whenthepoeticalyounggentlemanmakesuseofadjectives,theyareall superlatives. Everything is of the grandest, greatest, noblest,mightiest, loftiest;or the lowest,meanest,obscurest, vilest,andmost

pitiful.Heknowsnomedium:forenthusiasmisthesoulofpoetry;andwho soenthusiastic asa poetical younggentleman? ‘Mr.Milkwash,’says a young lady as she unlocks her album to receive the younggentleman’soriginalimpromptucontribution,‘howverysilentyouare!Ithinkyoumustbeinlove.’‘Love!’criesthepoeticalyounggentleman,startingfromhisseatbythefireandterrifyingthecatwhoscampersoffatfullspeed,‘Love!thatburning,consumingpassion;thatardourofthesoul, that fierceglowingof theheart. Love! Thewithering, blightinginfluenceofhopemisplacedandaffectionslighted.Lovedidyousay!Ha!ha!ha!’Withthis,thepoeticalyounggentlemanlaughsalaughbelongingonlytopoetsandMr.O.SmithoftheAdelphiTheatre,andsitsdown,peninhand,tothrowoffapageortwoofverseinthebiting,semi-atheisticaldemoniacstyle,which,likethepoeticalyounggentlemanhimself,isfullofsoundandfury,signifyingnothing.

THE‘THROWING-OFF’YOUNGGENTLEMAN

There is a certain kind of impostor—a bragging, vaunting, puffingyoung gentleman—againstwhomwe are desirous towarn that fairerpart of the creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these ourlabours. Andweareparticularly induced to layespecial stressuponthisdivisionofoursubject,byalittledialogueweheldsomeshorttimeago, with an esteemed young lady of our acquaintance, touching amostgrossspecimenofthisclassofmen.Wehadbeenurgingalltheabsurdities of his conduct and conversation, and dwelling upon theimpossibilities he constantly recounted—to which indeed we had notscrupled to prefix a certain hard little word of one syllable and threeletters—whenourfairfriend,unabletomaintainthecontestanylonger,reluctantlycried,‘Well;hecertainlyhasahabitofthrowing-off,butthen—’Whatthen?Throwhimoffyourself,saidwe.Andsoshedid,butnotatourinstance,forotherreasonsappeared,anditmighthavebeenbetterifshehaddonesoatfirst.Thethrowing-offyounggentlemanhassooftenafatherpossessedofvastpropertyinsomeremotedistrictofIreland,thatwelookwithsomesuspicionuponall younggentlemenwhovolunteer thisdescriptionofthemselves. The deceased grandfather of the throwing-off younggentlemanwasamanofimmensepossessions,anduntoldwealth;thethrowing-off young gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only

yesterday, thedeceasedbaronet’s library,with its longrowsofscarceandvaluablebooksinsuperblyembossedbindings,arrangedincases,reaching fromthe loftyceiling to theoakenfloor;and the fineantiquechairsandtables,andthenobleoldcastleofBallykillbabaloo,with itssplendidprospectofhillanddale,andwood,andrichwildscenery,andthe fine hunting stables and the spacious court-yards, ‘and—and—everything upon the same magnificent scale,’ says the throwing-offyoung gentleman, ‘princely; quite princely. Ah!’ And he sighs as ifmourningoverthefallenfortunesofhisnoblehouse.The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking,running,rowing,swimming,andskating,he isunrivalled;atallgamesof chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, driving, oramateurtheatricals,noonecantouchhim—thatiscouldnot,becausehe gives you carefully to understand, lest there should be anyopportunityoftestinghisskill,thatheisquiteoutofpracticejustnow,andhasbeenforsomeyears.Ifyoumentionanybeautifulgirlofyourcommon acquaintance in his hearing, the throwing-off younggentlemanstarts,smiles,andbegsyounottomindhim,foritwasquiteinvoluntary:peopledosayindeedthattheywereonceengaged,butno—althoughsheisaveryfinegirl,hewassosituatedatthattimethathecouldn’tpossiblyencouragethe—‘butit’sofnousetalkingaboutit!’headds,interruptinghimself. ‘Shehasgotoveritnow,andIfirmlyhopeandtrustishappy.’Withthisbenevolentaspirationhenodshisheadinamysteriousmanner,andwhistling the firstpartofsomepopularair,thinksperhapsitwillbebettertochangethesubject.There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off younggentleman,which is, that he ‘happens to be acquainted’with amostextraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world. Thus in alldisputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has noargumenttobringforward,heinvariablyhappenstobeacquaintedwithsome distant person, intimately connected with the subject, whosetestimonydecidesthepointagainstyou,tothegreat—maywesayit—to the great admiration of three young ladies out of every four, whoconsider the throwing-off young gentleman a very highly-connectedyoungman,andamostcharmingperson.Sometimesthethrowing-offyounggentlemanhappenstolookinupona little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending theeveningtogether,andthenindeedisheattheveryheightandsummitofhisglory;foritistobeobservedthathebynomeansshinestoequal

advantage inthepresenceofmenas inthesocietyofover-credulousyoung ladies,which ishisproperelement. It isdelightful tohear thenumber of pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman givesutterance to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease withwhich, from long practice and study, he delicately blends onecompliment toa ladywith two forhimself. ‘Didyoueverseeamorelovelybluethanthisflower,Mr.Caveton?’asksayoungladywho,truthtotell,israthersmittenwiththethrowing-offyounggentleman.‘Never,’he replies, bending over the object of admiration, ‘never but in youreyes.’ ‘Oh, Mr. Caveton,’ cries the young lady, blushing of course.‘Indeed Ispeak the truth,’ replies the throwing-offyounggentleman, ‘Ineversawanyapproachtothem.Iusedtothinkmycousin’sblueeyeslovely,buttheygrowdimandcolourlessbesideyours.’‘Oh!abeautifulcousin, Mr. Caveton!’ replies the young lady, with that perfectartlessnesswhichisthedistinguishingcharacteristicofallyoungladies;‘anaffair, of course.’ ‘No; indeed, indeedyouwrongme,’ rejoins thethrowing-offyounggentlemanwithgreatenergy.‘Iferventlyhopethatherattachmenttowardsmemaybenothingbutthenaturalresultofourclose intimacy in childhood, and that in changeof sceneand amongnewfacesshemaysoonovercomeit.Iloveher!Thinknotsomeanlyofme,MissLowfield,Ibeseech,astosupposethattitle,lands,riches,and beauty, can influence mychoice. The heart, the heart, MissLowfield.’ Herethethrowing-offyounggentlemansinkshisvoicetoastill lowerwhisper;and theyoung ladydulyproclaims toall theotheryoung ladieswhentheygoup-stairs, toput theirbonnetson, thatMr.Caveton’s relations are all immensely rich, and that he is hopelesslybelovedbytitle,lands,riches,andbeauty.We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certainknowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able torecogniseatunebyear,volunteeraSpanishairupontheguitarwhenhe had previously satisfied himself that there was not such aninstrumentwithinamileofthehouse.Wehaveheardanother throwing-offyounggentleman,afterstrikinganoteor twoupon thepiano,andaccompanying itcorrectly (bydintoflaboriouspractice)withhisvoice,assureacircleofwonderinglistenersthatsoacutewashisearthathewaswhollyunabletosingoutoftune,let him try ashewould. Wehave lived towitness theunmaskingofanother throwing-off young gentleman, who went out a visiting in amilitary cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after passing

successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for his redwhiskers,hisbravery,hissoldierlybearingandhispride,turnedouttobethedishonestsonofanhonestlinen-draperinasmallcountrytown,andwhom,ifitwerenotforthisfortunateexposure,weshouldnotyetdespairofencounteringasthefortunatehusbandofsomerichheiress.Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off younggentlemenare often swindlers,andalwaysfools.Soprayyouavoidthem.

THEYOUNGLADIES’YOUNGGENTLEMAN

Thisyounggentlemanhasseveraltitles.Someyoungladiesconsiderhim‘aniceyoungman,’others‘afineyoungman,’others‘quitealady’sman,’ others ‘a handsome man,’ others ‘a remarkably good-lookingyoungman.’Withsomeyoungladiesheis‘aperfectangel,’andwithothers‘quitealove.’Heislikewiseacharmingcreature,aduck,andadear.Theyoungladies’younggentlemanhasusuallyafreshcolourandverywhite teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays on everypossibleopportunity.Hehasbrownorblackhair,andwhiskersofthesame,ifpossible;butaslighttingeofred,orthehuewhichisvulgarlyknownassandy, isnotconsideredanobjection.Ifhisheadandfacebe large, his nose prominent, and his figure square, he is anuncommonlyfineyoungman,andworshippedaccordingly.Shouldhiswhiskersmeetbeneathhischin,somuchthebetter,thoughthisisnotabsolutelyinsistedon;buthemustwearanunder-waistcoat,andsmileconstantly.Therewasagreatpartygotupbysomeparty-lovingfriendsofourslastsummer, togoanddine inEppingForest. Aswehold thatsuchwildexpeditionsshouldneverbeindulgedin,savebypeopleofthesmallestmeans, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably haveexcused ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that theprojectors of the excursion were always accompanied on suchoccasionsbyachoicesampleof theyoung ladies’ younggentleman,whomwewereveryanxioustohaveanopportunityofmeeting. Thisdeterminedus,andwewent.WeweretomakeforChigwellinfourglasscoaches,eachwithatriflingcompany of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging to theprojectorsonthebox—andtostartfromtheresidenceoftheprojectors,Woburn-place,Russell-square,athalf-pasttenprecisely.Wearrivedat

the place of rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glasscoaches and the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies andyoung gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds,whoappearedbynomeanssomuchgratifiedbyourapproachaswemight have expected, but evidently wished we had been somebodyelse. Observing that our arrival in lieu of the unknown occasionedsome disappointment, we ventured to inquire who was yet to come,whenwefoundfromthehastyreplyofadozenvoices, that itwasnootherthantheyoungladies’younggentleman.‘Icannotimagine,’saidthemamma,‘whathasbecomeofMr.Balim—always so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable. I am sure Ican-not think.’ As these last words were uttered in that measured,emphaticmannerwhichpainfullyannouncesthat thespeakerhasnotquitemadeuphisorhermindwhattosay,butisdeterminedtotalkonnevertheless, the eldest daughter took up the subject, and hoped noaccidenthadhappenedtoMr.Balim,uponwhichtherewasageneralchorusof‘DearMr.Balim!’andoneyounglady,moreadventurousthantherest,proposedthatanexpressshouldbestraightwaysenttodearMr. Balim’s lodgings. This, however, the papa resolutely opposed,observing,inwhatashortyoungladybehindustermed‘quiteabearishway,’thatifMr.Balimdidn’tchoosetocome,hemightstopathome.Atthisallthedaughtersraisedamurmurof‘Ohpa!’exceptonesprightlylittlegirlofeightortenyearsold,who,takingadvantageofapauseinthe discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might have beenmarried that morning—for which impertinent suggestion she wassummarilyejectedfromtheroombyhereldestsister.Wewereallinastateofgreatmortificationanduneasiness,whenoneofthelittleboys,runningintotheroomasairilyaslittleboysusuallyrunwhohaveanunlimitedallowanceof animal food in theholidays, andkeep theirhandsconstantly forceddown to thebottomsofverydeeptrouser-pocketswhen they take exercise, joyfully announced thatMr.Balimwasatthatmomentcomingupthestreetinahackney-cab;andtheintelligencewasconfirmedbeyondalldoubtaminuteafterwardsbytheentryofMr.Balimhimself,whowasreceivedwithrepeatedcriesof‘Wherehaveyoubeen,younaughtycreature?’whereuntothenaughtycreature replied, that he had been in bed, in consequence of a lateparty thenightbefore,andhadonly just risen. Theacknowledgmentawakenedavarietyofagonizingfearsthathehadtakennobreakfast;whichappearingafteraslightcross-examinationtobetherealstateof

thecase,breakfast foronewas immediatelyordered,notwithstandingMr.Balim’s repeatedprotestations thathecouldn’t thinkof it. Hedidthinkofitthough,andthoughtbetterofittoo,forhemadearemarkablygoodmealwhenitcame,andwasassiduouslyservedbyaselectknotofyoung ladies. Itwasquitedelightful toseehowheateanddrank,whileonepairof fairhandspouredouthiscoffee,andanotherput inthesugar,andanotherthemilk;therestofthecompanyeverandanoncastingangryglancesat theirwatches,and theglass coaches,—andthe little boys looking on in an agony of apprehension lest it shouldbegin to rainbeforewesetout; itmighthave rainedallday,afterwewere once too far to turn back again, and welcome, for aught theycared.However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman beingaccommodatedwithahamperbetweenhislegssomethinglargerthana wheelbarrow; and the company being packed as closely as theypossibly could in the carriages, ‘according,’ as one married ladyobserved, ‘to the immemorialcustom,whichwashalf thediversionofgipsyparties.’ Thinkingitvery likely itmightbe(wehaveneverbeenabletodiscovertheotherhalf),wesubmittedtobestowedawaywithacheerfulaspect,andwerefortunateenoughtooccupyonecornerofacoachinwhichwereoneoldlady,fouryoungladies,andtherenownedMr.Balimtheyoungladies’younggentleman.Wewerenosoonerfairlyoff, thantheyoungladies’younggentlemanhummeda fragmentof anair,which induceda young lady to inquirewhetherhehaddanced to that thenightbefore. ‘ByHeaven, then, Idid,’repliedtheyounggentleman,‘andwithalovelyheiress;asuperbcreature, with twenty thousand pounds.’ ‘You seem rather struck,’observed another young lady. ‘’Gad she was a sweet creature,’returnedtheyounggentleman,arranginghishair.‘Ofcourseshewasstruck too?’ inquired the first young lady. ‘How can you ask, love?’interposedthesecond;‘couldshefailtobe?’‘Well,honestlyIthinkshewas,’observedtheyounggentleman.Atthispointofthedialogue,theyoung lady who had spoken first, and who sat on the younggentleman’sright,struckhimasevereblowonthearmwitharosebud,andsaidhewasavainman—whereupontheyounggentlemaninsistedonhaving the rosebud, and the young ladyappealing for help to theother young ladies, a charming struggle ensued, terminating in thevictoryof theyounggentleman,andthecaptureof therosebud.Thislittle skirmish over, the married lady, who was the mother of the

rosebud,smiledsweetlyupontheyounggentleman,andaccusedhimof being a flirt; the young gentleman pleading not guilty, a mostinterestingdiscussiontookplaceupontheimportantpointwhethertheyoung gentleman was a flirt or not, which being an agreeableconversationof a light kind, lasteda considerable time. At length, ashort silence occurring, the young ladies on either side of the younggentlemanfellsuddenlyfastasleep;andtheyounggentleman,winkinguponus topreservesilence,wonapairofgloves fromeach, therebycausingthemtowakewithequalsuddennessandtoscreamveryloud.Thelivelyconversationtowhichthispleasantrygaverise,lastedfortheremainderoftheride,andwouldhaveekedoutamuchlongerone.Wedinedrathermorecomfortably thanpeopleusuallydoundersuchcircumstances,nothinghavingbeenleftbehindbutthecork-screwandthebread. Themarriedgentlemenwereunusually thirsty,which theyattributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate toinconvenience; mammas were very jovial, and their daughters veryfascinating; and the attendants being well-behaved men, gotexceedinglydrunkatarespectfuldistance.We had our eye onMr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that heflourishedwonderfully,beingstillsurroundedbyalittlegroupofyoungladies,wholistenedtohimasanoracle,whileheatefromtheirplatesand drank from their glasses in a manner truly captivating from itsexcessive playfulness. His conversation, too, was exceedinglybrilliant. In fact, oneelderly lady assuredus, that in the courseof alittle livelybadinageon thesubjectof ladies’dresses,hehadevincedasmuchknowledgeasifhehadbeenbornandbredamilliner.Assuchofthefatpeoplewhodidnothappentofallasleepafterdinnerentereduponamostvigorousgameatball,weslippedawayaloneintoathickerpartofthewood,hopingtofall inwithMr.Balim,thegreaterpartoftheyoungpeoplehavingdroppedoffintwosandthreesandtheyoung ladies’ young gentleman among them. Nor were wedisappointed, for we had not walked far, when, peeping through thetrees,wediscoveredhimbeforeus,andtrulyitwasapleasantthingtocontemplatehisgreatness.The young ladies’ young gentlemanwas seated upon the ground, atthefeetofafewyoungladieswhowererecliningonabank;hewassoprofuselydeckedwithscarfs,ribands,flowers,andotherprettyspoils,thathelookedlikealamb—orperhapsacalfwouldbeabettersimile—adornedforthesacrifice.Oneyoungladysupportedaparasoloverhis

interestinghead,anotherheldhishat,andathirdhisneck-cloth,whichin romantic fashion he had thrown off; the young gentleman himself,withhishanduponhisbreast,andhisfacemouldedintoanexpressionof the most honeyed sweetness, was warbling forth some choicespecimensofvocalmusic inpraiseof female loveliness, inastylesoexquisitelyperfect, thatweburst intoan involuntaryshoutof laughter,andmadeahastyretreat.What charming fellows these young ladies’ young gentlemen are!Ducks,dears, loves,angels,areall terms inadequate toexpresstheirmerit.Theyaresuchamazingly,uncommonly,wonderfully,nicemen.

CONCLUSION

As we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens ofyounggentlemen,andhavealsointhededicationofthisvolumegiventhem to understand how much we reverence and admire theirnumerousvirtuesandperfections;aswehavegiventhemsuchstrongreasonstotreatuswithconfidence,andtobanish,inourcase,allthatreserve and distrust of the male sex which, as a point of generalbehaviour,theycannotdobetterthanpreserveandmaintain—wesay,aswehavedoneallthis,wefeelthatnow,whenwehavearrivedatthecloseof our task, theymaynaturallypressuponus the inquiry,whatparticular description of young gentlemen we can conscientiouslyrecommend.Here we are at a loss. We look over our list, and can neitherrecommend the bashful younggentleman, nor the out-and-out younggentleman, nor the very friendly young gentleman, nor the militaryyounggentleman,northepoliticalyounggentleman,northedomesticyounggentleman,northecensoriousyounggentleman,northefunnyyounggentleman,northetheatricalyounggentleman,northepoeticalyounggentleman,northethrowing-offyounggentleman,northeyoungladies’younggentleman.Astherearesomegoodpointsaboutmanyofthem,whichstillarenotsufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as awhole,ourrespectfuladvicetotheyoungladiesis,toseekforayounggentlemanwhounitesinhimselfthebestqualitiesofall,andtheworstweaknessesofnone,and to leadhim forthwith to thehymenealaltar,whetherhewillorno.Andtotheyoungladywhosecureshim,webegtotenderoneshortfragmentofmatrimonialadvice,selectedfrommany

soundpassagesofasimilartendency,tobefoundinaletterwrittenbyDeanSwifttoayoungladyonhermarriage.‘Thegrandaffairofyourlifewillbe,togainandpreservetheesteemofyour husband. Neither good-nature nor virtue will suffer himtoesteemyouagainsthisjudgment;andalthoughheisnotcapableofusingyou ill,yetyouwill in timegrowa thing indifferentandperhapscontemptible;unlessyoucansupplythelossofyouthandbeautywithmoredurablequalities.Youhavebutaveryfewyearstobeyoungandhandsomeintheeyesoftheworld;andasfewmonthstobesointheeyesofahusbandwhoisnotafool;forIhopeyoudonotstilldreamofcharms and raptures, which marriage ever did, and ever will, put asuddenendto.’Fromtheanxietyweexpressfortheproperbehaviourofthefortunatelady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the younggentleman to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other thanourself. Without in any way committing ourself upon this point, wehave merely to observe, that we are ready to receive sealed offerscontaining a full specification of age, temper, appearance, andcondition; but we beg it to be distinctly understood that we do notpledgeourselftoacceptthehighestbidder.These offersmay be forwarded to thePublishers,Messrs.ChapmanandHall,London;towhomallpiecesofplateandothertestimonialsofapprobationfromtheyoungladiesgenerally,arerespectfullyrequestedtobeaddressed.

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