SIKHING:Pre-AnandKarajcourse{Sikhsacredmarriageceremony}

AshortcourseforcouplesintendingtogothroughthesacredAnandKaraj.(Note:SIKHING–UsingSikhilifephilosophyasatoolforself-improvement)

(Thisinformationisbasedonpersonalexperienceandunderstanding.SomeviewshavecomefromVeerManjeetSinghJiofTitiwangsa,Malaysia.SomemorefrommyolderbrotherPr.GurmukhSinghOBE,ofUK.Inthemain,thesearepracticalviews,notoverly‘religious’,butspiritual–towardsasuccessfulandlonglasting‘marriage’theSikhway.Comments/suggestionscanbedirectedtomepersonallyatdyasingh@khalsa.comorcontact@dyasingh.com.au)INTRODUCTIONWhenIamrequestedtoconductanAnandKarajanywhereglobally,Inormallyliketohaveatleast6months’notice(preferablymore)inwhichtimeIcommunicatewithnotonlythecouplebuttheirimmediatefamiliesviaaseriesofemailsbasedonmynotesbelow.Thepurposeisforeveryonetocometoknoweachother,helpthecoupletoplanthe‘run-sheet’fortheceremonyand,disseminationof‘sikhiya’aboutAnandKaraj.Thentherearethetaboos,misonceptions,superstitioushangupsoftheoldergeneration/sandotherIndian‘culturalbaggage’whichneedtobeunderstoodandmoveforward.Readingallthisinonegocanbedaunting(about12,000words),buttruncatedandshortened,inaseriesofemails,withfeedbackfromthecoupleandotherfamilymembers,thisisalldigestedbetter,andwetrytoensureameaningfulandsmoothceremony.Thisarticleisforinformationforall,especiallycouplesintendingtomarryviaanAnandKaraj.ItisalsoforthosewhoconductAnandKarajs-toencouragemoreofthemalso,tocarryoutsuchcourseswithcouplesintendingtomarrytheAnandKarajway.Sikhcouplesneedtounderstandthedeepspiritualimpactofthisceremony,thespiritinwhichoneshouldgothroughit,andhowitcanhelpthemasacouple,ontheirjourneyonthepathof‘GrahastMarag’,thewayoftheHouseholder.BesidesconductingAnandKarajs,IhavealsoseensomeratherembarrassingepisodesinAnandKarajs.Ihavebeenluckythattheseembarrassingepisodeshavenothappenedonmywatch,butthankfullyIhavewitnessedandheardenoughofsuchembarrassements,toinstigate

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metowriteitalldownandcreatea‘Pre-AnandKarajCourseforSikhcouples.Tomakereadingthisarticlecolourful,someofthese‘bloopers’andalsothehighpointsthatIhaveexperiencedandheardof,arescatteredthroughthis‘course’.Inthemain,whena‘Sikhmarriage’isplanned,priorityis,firstofall,togotoIndiaandbuyallthenecessarylehngay,colourfulbanglesbythedozen,special‘pela’,lavish-lookinggroom’sdressing,mehndhicolouringtubes,andotherparaphernaliaof‘marriage’.Thenthefocusisnormallyon‘SangeetNight’,‘MehndhiNight’,‘Mayiaan’and‘Reception’;printingtheweddinginvitationcards;whotoinvitewhonotto;postingout,orhandingourInvitationcardsingurdwarasandotherfunctions;etc.InIndia,weddinginvitationcardsevenhaveboxesofledoo,jelebianandsakarparayattachedtothem.Recently,afriendinJullundhurshowedmeaweddinginvitationcardwhichhadasmallbottleofwhiskyandtwoglassesinsideit!ThemostimportantpartofaSikhmarriage,theAnandKarajorjustreferredtoas‘lavan’or‘phere’,isleftentirelyonbookingthegurdwaraandleavingalltherestofthearrangementstothegurdwaracommitteeandtheGranthi.ThemostimportantpartofaSikhmarriage,theAnandKarajistreatedalmostlikeoneoftheminor‘rituals’inamarriage.Normally,allthebride-to-be’sfamilyareinterestediniswhattimetoturnupandmaybesomeplanningontheMilni–whoreceiveswhatfromwhometc.VirtuallynoeffortisputoneducatingthecoupleofwhattheAnandKarajisabout-whattodo,howtobehave,andmostimportantly,whatisitsspiritualimpactonmarriedlife.ThecurrentinformationandadvicegenerallygiventoaSikhcoupleintendingtogothroughanAnandKaraj(Sikhsacredmarriageceremony)iseithernon-existent,ornormallyderivedfrom‘Sikhiya’aimedmoreata‘kaka’and‘kaki’(SikhboyandSikhgirl)fromruralPunjab,whohave

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probablyneverseeneachotherbeforetheirmarriage,ratherthanawesterneducatedSikhmanandwoman.The‘sikhiya’thatIhavemainlyheard,atAnandKarajsIhavewitnessed,normallyplacesgreateronusonthebrideforthesuccessofthemarriage.Theadviceismorepatriarchalandmoreoftenthannot,tendstoinformthebridethatshenowbelongstoherin-lawsandshouldforgetaboutherownparents!EvenasIwritethisandyoureadit,onecanseethatitislopsidedandnotappropriate,inthisdayandage.Anyway,practicallynoonelistenstoanysuchSikhiya,leastofallthecouplegettingmarried,duringanAnandKarajserviceanyway.Ibelieveallofit,oratleastmostofit,shouldbepassedontothecouple‘before’theAnandKaraj.Ontopofthat,therearethoseinstanceswhereasacredSikhmarriageceremonyismadetofeeloverly‘religious’andshroudedinmysticalandsacredlanguage–wellbeyondthecomprehensionoftheordinarySikhandnotofmuchuseinthepracticallifeofamarriedcouple.Itismoreaboutbecoming‘religious’.SometimesacoupledecidetoproduceasouvenirbookletoftheirupcomingAnandKarajinwhichbesidestheprogrammeetc.theydecidetoprintthe‘lavan-dha-path’andsomerandominterpretationortranslation.Iamyettocomeacrossonesuchinterpretation/translationwhichmadecompletesense,andofuseinthecouple’smarriedlife.Becauseoftheabove,anAnandKarajisslowlylosingitsspiritualimpactonSikhcouples.Letusseeifwecanchangeallthat.IfIamtoconductanAnandKarajthenatleastreadingthroughthisseriesofarticlesismandatory.Ithenpromiseamemorable,upliftingandspirituallysoundceremonyandthebeststarttoamarriedlifeinSikhi.Ontheotherhand,youmightdecidethatIamnotthepersontoconductyourceremonybecauseofmyviews!Likeallhumanbeings,Ihavemylimitationsandshortcomingstoo.

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Iapologiseinadvanceformyuseofcertainlanguage,views,biases,ormentionofcertainanecdotes,whichmightoffendsome.Othersmightfindthemallquitehumorous.Theyaremypersonalobservationsandviews.AndIthinktheyallmakegood,light,funreadinginterspersedwiththeserioussideofspiritualinstruction.Afterall,amarriageshouldbe‘fun’andalsoserious.Itisacelebrationofacouplecomingtogetherasmanandwife,andalsoamomentouschangeintheirlivesfrombeingsingletobecomingacouple,andtakingonadultresponsibilities.Youwillalsohavetoforgivemeforsayingthatmostgranthis,gurdwarasandprabhandaks(gurdwaraadministrators)thesedaysareonlyinterestedinyour‘business’andnotreallyconcernedwiththe‘essence’ofSikhphilosophywhereSikhmarriagesareconcerned.OTHERWISE,THEREWOULDBEMORE‘PRE-ANANDKARAJCOURSES’!WHATIS‘ANAND’TheAnandKarajshouldleadto‘Anand’.So,firstletusunderstandthewordAnand.TheclosestEnglishequivalentis‘Bliss’.ButAnandismuchmorethan‘Bliss’.ReadingthroughandatleastreadingtheeasytranslationsofthegurbaniAnandSahib,thefull40stanzaversion,isadvised.Thisisgiftedtousbythirdguru,dhandhanGuruAmardasJi,whoisoftenreferredtoas‘Sikhidhadhura’alongsidetheSikhshrinethathebestoweduponus,GoindwalSahib,todayinIndianPunjab.Heisthe‘sage’,thewiseoldmanamongstourGuruJi’s.

FromAnandSahib:Anandanandsabhkokehai,AnandGurutejanea.{Everyonetalksofbliss,butblisscanonlybeobtainedthroughthe‘guru’.}TheSikh‘anand’isastateof‘sehajavastha’–astatewhichisneutral,calm,tranquil,peacefulandsoon–allnecessaryattributestothestressfullivesweleadinthemodernworld.

AnandisastatewhenonefullyacceptstheHukm,theWillofWaheguruandoneislessaffectedbypainandsadness.Astateofinnerdetachmentandoutwardattachment.

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The following shabad provides a glimpse of this stage. Jonardukhmaindukhneheenmanai…(SGGSp.633):Thepersonwhoinpain,feelsnotpain;whoisnotaffectedbypleasure,affectionandfear,anddeemsgoldasdust.Onewhoisnotswayedbycondemnationnorpraise,andwhosuffersnotfromgreed,worldlyloveandpride;whoremainsunaffectedbyjoyorsorrowandwhomindsnothonournordishonour.Onewhorenouncesallhopeandyearning,remainsdesire-freeandwhoisnottouchedbylustnorwrath,withinhis/hermindabidesWaheguru.Suchapersonunderstandsthe‘way’andisblessedwiththegraceoftheGuru.SuchapersonblendswiththeLordaswatermingleswithwater.

Hencetheneed-theimportance,tograsp,oratleastbehighlyawareofthephilosophyandsimplespiritualityofanAnandKaraj.So,asisprevalentthesedays,theAnandKarajisnotjustaspectacular,colourful,fun-filled,boisterous,sometimesboozy‘marriageceremony’asportrayedinmediaespeciallyIndianandHollywoodmovies,andevenascarriedoutbyagreatmany‘Sikhs’globally,noradisplayofwealthandaffluence,butadeeplyspiritual‘experience’tohelpyoutowardsan‘anandful’,marriedlife.Belowarethetopicsofeacharticle.Theyarenotinanyparticularorder.Someofthem,forexampleon‘mixed’AnandKarajs,or‘Kurhmayee’,mightnotbepertinenttoyourparticularcase,butreadthemanyway–foryourpersonalinformationanddevelopmentinSikhilifephilosophy.

1. SomehistoryofAnandKaraj2. ObservationsofcurrentAnandKarajsandsuggestions3. TheKudhmayee–EngagementCeremony.4. Sikhiya1.The‘lavan’andbasic‘sikhiya’.5. Sikhiya2.Betisulakhani.6. Suggestedrun-sheetfortheceremony7. Sikhwishingtomarryanon-Sikh8. Some‘marriage’quotes/sayings/advice

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1. SomehistoryofAnandKarajIhavebeeninvolvedinAnandKarajssinceIwasabout5yearsold–whichmeans,atthetimeofwritingthis(2017)over60years.(MyvenerablefatherGianiHarchandSinghJi‘Bassian’wasaSikh‘brahmgiani’and‘kirten-percharak’.Isatbesidehimfromage5whenheusedtodo‘Sikhipercharthroughkirtan’.)ThesearemypersonalobservationsfromthemomentIunderstoodwhatthisceremonywasabout.Irememberthetimewheninsomegurdwarasandduringtheeraof‘qualified’granthissomeofwhomweresages(brahmgiani),bothgroomandbride-to-bewere‘expected’tohavepartakenof‘amrit’–havingundergonethe‘amritsanchar’ceremony.Ifthecouplewerenot,then,the‘amritsanchar’ceremonywascarriedoutforthecouplebeforetheAnandKaraj.IfanygurdwarainMalaysiastillhasrecordsof‘amritsanchar’ceremonies,andAnandKarajsgoingbackto1960andbefore,onewillfindsuchevidence.Ireadthisinabook-‘HistoryofSikhsinNegriSembilan’(astateofMalaysia).Evennon-Sikhwomen(mainlySouthIndianandChinese)usedtopartakeof‘amrit’mainlywithaviewofmarryingSikhmen.GoeswithoutsayingthatSikhmenwereconsidereda‘catch’bynon-Sikhwomeneventhen!OnlySikh‘men’venturedoverseastoseektheirfortune,notwomen,andhencesometimestheyneededtogetmarriedincountrieswheretherewereno,orveryfew‘Sikh’women.Hencetherewereafairnumberof‘mixed’SikhmarriageseveninthosedaysBUT,thecriteriawasthatbothpartnersneededtohaveundergonethe‘amritsanchar’ceremony,makingbothpartnersmembersoftheKhalsafraternity.Asaresultthequestionofanon-SikhmarryingaSikhneverarose!Thenabout1960,therewasaslightrelaxation.Thecouple,beforetheAnandKarajwereaskediftheyhadgonethroughthe‘amritsanchar’.If

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nottheyhadtopromisetogothoughtheceremonyatthefirstopportunity.TheytookanoathtojointheKhalsafraternity.Around1970,therewasfurtherrelaxation.Thecouplewasaskediftheyhadgonethroughthe‘amritsanchar’andifnottheywere‘urged’topartakeofamritatthenextopportunity.Asarule,the‘amritsanchar’ceremonywascarriedoutatleastannuallyduringVesakhi/KhalsaDay,around13Aprilinmostgurdwaras.Thelongandshortofittodayisthatno‘granthi’orSikhcelebrantbotherstoaskifthecouplehavetakenamrit.IrememberintheearlieryearswhenIstartedconductingAnandKarajsinmyownright,therewereinstanceswhenIwasspecificallytoldnottoevenmention‘amrit’becausethatmightembarrassnotonlythecouplebuttheirparents!Thisisnotthefaultofcouples,orSikhstodaygenerally,bytheway.Thefaultisthatovertheperiod‘amrit’hasbecomerathercultishand‘difficult’thatSikhyouthdonotevenbotherwithit.Itisashamebecausethe‘amrit’ceremonywasa‘passageintoadulthood’withsomerulesandregulations.Itisinthemainnowelitist,cultishandmadeverydifficult.Themoredifficultthe‘amritsanchar’regulationsgiventotheadherents,itwillappear,themorepotentitissupposedtobe,religiously!Indaysgoneby,the‘amrit’ceremonywastreatedasan‘Admission’intotheKhalsaFraternity.Todayitistreatedlikea‘Graduation’intoacult!TheAnandKaraj,resultantly,thereforehasgenerallydegeneratedintoapublicspectaclewithoutitsspiritualimport.Weneedtochangethat.Thereneedstobesome‘commitment’andintenttowardsone’sspiritualprogress-witheachotherandtowardWaheguru.

2.ObservationsofcurrentAnandKarajsandsuggestions

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Weshallbeginwiththebasicsimplestepsregardingtheceremonyitself.

1. Sittingdowncross-legged.Ihavenoticedastimehasgoneby,thattoday’syouthevenhavedifficultyinsittingdowncross-leggedBECAUSEtheydonotpractisethat.IhaveseenamazingsceneswhereyoungSikhmenandwomen,struggletositdowncross-leggedattheirAnandKaraj!Onedisciplineissimpleyoga.Generally,Sikhstodaydonotconsiderphysicalfitnessandbodyflexibilitytobeimportantandsomeevenlookdownuponsimpleyoga.WhereasSikhspreviouslywenttogurdwararegularlyandsatcross-leggedforuptoatleast2hoursinservices,todaylessyouthdothat.WheremoreSikhsdidNitnemalsosittingdowncross-leggedpreviously,theyoungergenerationsdonotdothat,hencemoreyouthtodayhavetroublesittingcross-legged.SO,IFYOUHAVEPROBLEMS–STARTSIXMONTHSBEFOREYOURANANDKARAJ,TOLEARNHOWTOSITDOWNCROSS-LEGGEDFORATLEAST20MINUTESADAY.Otherwiseyouaregoingtohaveaveryuncomfortableceremony!Sittingdowncross-legged(theposhyogatermis‘thelotusposition’)isaveryhealthyexerciseinitself,andkeepsyourhips,knees,ankles–legsgenerally,flexibleandsupple.Italsoforcesyoutositupstraight–agoodexerciseforthebackboneandyourposture.

2. Dressing for the day.

First the couple (mainly bride-to-be). Remember, this is a highly spiritual ceremony. If you need to satisfy your ‘looking grand’ urges, then the ‘Reception’ is perhaps where you want to do that. Not at your Anand Karaj. You should come to your Anand Karaj in humility. Well dressed, elegant even, but not made up like a China doll. I attended a Namdhari (Sikh sub-sect) Anand Karaj where both bride and groom came dressed in all white kudta and pajama – both of them. The bride had no

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makeup on either. They looked radiant and serene. It was a beautiful, soul-filled ceremony. The other example I will give is an Anand Karaj of a ‘western dharma’ couple – those popularly called American Sikhs. See the clothings that these Sikhs wear for an Anand Karaj. First of all, both will have resplendent white dastars, sometimes with beautiful beads decorating them, both in white or off-white ‘banas’. They look majestic, elegant, yet simple. They look like ‘Sikhs’ - not Indians, not Punjabis, not Hindus, but ‘Sikhs’. The bride does not have to spend two hours in a hair-dresser's chair, the day before, or from 5am in the morning. All that will happen will be that you will be exhausted for the most important, significant and spiritual ceremony in your life. Sometimes a bride is weighed down with ‘chuurian’ (glass bangles in their dozens) and even coconut kernals tied to their wrists and heavy clumsy dresses. I have never found a good reason for all that, except that the bride looks as if she is in some form of bondage! Do not allow your relatives, even parents and grandparents, to bully you into wearing such uncomfortable clothing and accessories. You are getting married. Take charge of your life! On the other hand, I have seen one bride in Melbourne, come in a hipster sari, and a small 'jhegi' (bra-like top) where the mid-riff, and the tops of the poor girl’s buttocks were bare and a cleavage you could see the sun shining through! She had a tattoo on one of her buttock tops and the sangat in front (and even back) was straining to see what the tattoo was! Quite a spectacle! Modesty is all-important but over-dressing is almost as bad. Remember, you should be able to sit, stand, metha-tek etc, without assistence. I have seen awkward 'qegeras' or ‘lehngas’, getting stuck under the feet when brides try to stand up and almost topple over! So, brides, please do not wear dresses which, first of all, show too much skin or cleavage, OR wear so thick and heavy a dress that one cannot even recognize who it is and cause yourself unnecessary discomfort. The groom. If you are clean-shaven, please come in a well-tied dastaar and it will be nice if you grow a beard for the occasion, if you do not naturally, already have one. Remember, whatever your modern views – the ‘Sikh’ image is a turbaned, bearded male. A coat-pant with a tie can be rather restrictive when you wish to sit cross-legged and stand and ‘metha-tek, a number of times, during the ‘lavan’. A kudta pajama or a Sikh ‘bana’ looks very regal. Please attempt to get all those attending your Anand Karaj, to tie dastaars at least for the Anand Karaj. Sometimes, the janj comes in all matching bandanas, looking like Mexican bandits or pirates. Sometimes it looks like the janj,

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mostly clean-shaven, has raided the nearest Indian restaurant for their colourful table napkins, normally maroon or purple, to tie on their heads!!! Ideally, same coloured turbans, look very smart. Again, remember, it is a ‘Sikh’ marriage ceremony. The dastaar is part of Sikh attire. I conducted an Anand Karaj in Istanbul in 2015, where the groom was a white caucasian. We did his Janam Sanskar (Initiation ceremony), the evening before the Anand Karaj in a very touching ceremony (see last chapter on mixed marriages). All the janj - 200 of them, all European folk, tied yellow dastaars and the ladies had matching coloured chunian, for the occasion.) A professional dastaar - tie-er was especially flown in to teach them all how to tie a dastaar. At an Anand Karaj I conducted in Toronto, a booth was set up in the entrance of the gurdwara, to tie turbans for all attendees who did not have a dastaar on their heads. And, yes, ladies have equal right to be in a janj as men. This is the new millennium and ladies have never been considered secondary to men where Sikh life philosophy is concerned.

3. Punctuality Please be punctual! It is 'the' most important ceremony of your lives. You do not want to spoil it by coming in late. Ideally, I like to see the couple coming in together - Not the groom come in first and then everybody waits for the bride. It seems rather farcical these days when the couple normally have been together before the wedding and pretend that they barely know each other when they arrive for their 'lavan'! If the Anand Karaj ceremony is to start at 9.30am. then come at 9.30am. It is your ceremony. You want to get all you can from it. Lateness leaves a sour taste and stress.

At one Anand Karaj the bride was over two hours, yes, two hours late! Apparently, her hair dresser did not turn up. The second choice hairmaker messed her hair which had to be redone by a third hairdresser! After getting a sound rebuking from the Granthi Sahib, and half the sangat having left, the ‘lavan’ were just read while they sat in front of the Guru Ji looking rather foolish. Not a good start to their new life, me thinks!

4. Camera/ Video crew.

IF, you are having a professional videoing crew, then, please ensure that they do not become the 'main attraction' of the ceremony. There is no need to film every moment of the ceremony. As far as I am concerned I have seen camera crews become a nuisance and ruin the sanctity of the ceremony. Firstly, they must be well-dressed in uniforms, not in T-shirts advertising some products or nightclubs, and pants, even jeans which ride down when they are bending down displaying the cleavage of their buttocks. Ideally, they should be

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in long sleeves shirts tucked into decent pants. They must film or take pictures from the sides, not from in front of the sangat and not from the pathway of the couple around the Guru Granth Sahib Ji. What you need is a few memorable pictures from a vantage point, not the entire ceremony. At one ceremony in Malaysia, the camera guy almost sat in the lap of the bride trying to take a picture of her face under a 'qund' of a heavy veil! Enthusiastic cameramen like to film every step that the couple take during the ‘lavan’. Please spare everyone the aggravation. With due respect, 'no one', except maybe the immediate families, likes to watch a long boring video of an Anand Karaj! The worst thing that can happen when someone visits a family is when the family insists that everyone sits down and watch a one/two hour of the lavan or worse still, the whole wedding, of Kitu and Babli!

5. Alcohol/Drugs.

My humble request: Please do not consume alcohol the night before the Anand Karaj, if you normally do so - so that you are fully awake and sober for the ceremony. (I like to remind you that Sikhi does not condone the consumption of alcohol or recreational drugs.) I have seen grooms turn up for lavan still ‘pissed’ and nursing a horrible hangover. If that is the way you view the rest of your life, then do so, to your embarassement, and the bemusement of others, otherwise please refrain.

I have witnessed a very drunk groom who could barely stand, staggering off in the wrong direction trying to drag his bride along like a farmer leading his prize cow, when the first ‘lav’ was being sung. His hands were not even clasped in prayer in front of him. An acutely embarrassing moment for most and amusement for all others. Let everyone else enjoy themselves with alcohol if that is what they want to do (and you condone that), but remember, you have a very important spiritual ceremony to go through the next morning. So, no boozy evening before the Anand Karaj, or ‘stag’ night or ‘hen’ night as the westerners do. Preferably have an early night.

6. Humility & Modesty

Humility in mind & Modesty in dress, are the key to the Anand Karaj. I have conducted and observed Anand Karajs for example, where the couple turns up punctually to listen to some kirtan before the Anand Karaj, even before the sangat, to be in the right frame of mind for their ceremony.

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At one memorable ceremony, the couple actually arrived before we were ready to start kirtan and sat in front of the kirtan stage… together. Most sangat, as sadly, almost always is the case, came later. At two previous Anand Karajs which were carried out in halls, the couple did the samapti of the Guru Sahib after the ceremony with the aid of the Granthi Sahib. Then the groom carried out the Guru Sahib on his head while the bride did the chaur sewa! I have also conducted an Anand Karaj, where the bride and groom served the degh after their ceremony! They were receiving amazing blessings from not only their parents and grandparents but the entire sangat! The cameramen enjoyed going around with them taking some memorable pictures! YES, it is your special day. But humility only enhances the ceremony. These are just hints to show how a couple can make a difference as to how an Anand Karaj is viewed by the sangat and be the change we desperately need. At an Anand Karaj in Singapore in 2016, of one of our prominent youth ‘leaders’ in our Sikh Youth Movement (SYA) in Sydney, the couple themselves did some kirtan before their lavan! That certainly put them in the right, spiritually charged, frame of mind for their ceremony.

7. Segen, Ashirvaads

The Anand Karaj ceremony is just that and only that. All 'segens', ‘ashirvaads’, photo-taking with the couple etc, should be done after the ceremony and NOT in front of Guru Ji. I have seen amazing scenes of the entire sangat lining up to give their few dollars to the couple and then stand behind them, with their hands on the couple’s heads, to pose for photographs, while the photographers are almost falling over the Guru Granth Sahib to take pictures. All that should be done later, if that needs to be done, outside the Guru Darbar. The sanctity and decorum of the Guru Darbar must be maintained at all times.

8. Bridesmaids, Flowergirls, Confetti Please - no bridesmaids all dressed alike, or flower girls, and no confetti inside the Darbar Sahib - not even on the fourth 'lav'. That sort of thing is very disruptive and tasteless in an Anand Karaj. I can understand a couple of cousins/friends to help the bride and be there close to her to help her if she needs help. Generally, she should be so dressed that she does not need any help! We do not have to ape western weddings.

9. Standing around the Guru Ji.

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Close cousins and uncles, especially Mamas of the bride can of course stand to assist the bride on her ‘lavan’ BUT, they should stand at the back or sides of the Guru Granth Sahib, not in the direct sight of the sangat especially of the kirtan stage.

I have witnessed astonishing scenes where ten or twelve ‘helpers around the Guru Granth Sahib’ jostle for position around Guru Ji battling with up to five photographers and video guys, as the couple fight their way through to complete their ‘lavan’!

10. Haar (garlands)

Garlands around the necks of bride and groom. There is no need for even one 'haar' around your necks as you arrive. Normally during the pela ceremony, one haar is put around the groom, one around the bride and one on Guru Ji by Groom's parents. There is no need for bride’s parents to add one more haar each after that! It only makes bride and groom more uncomfortable! BUT, you decide. I have seen couples come for ceremony wearing a 'haar' each. Then one more is added during the pela ceremony and somewhere along the line the bride’s parents add one more!!! At one ceremony, the grandparents placed more 'haars' until one could barely see the faces of the couple. WHY?

11. Sehra: Groom’s blinkers?

Why must we decide to hide the groom’s face as he comes in for his Anand Karaj? Guru Ji even discourages the bride from hiding her face and here we have the groom hiding his face! One of the most comical sights mainly in India of Hindu and Sikh grooms is to see them, with their blinkers (sehra) on, riding a mare. Why the face must be hidden is beyond me. Recently, in Ludhiana in Punjab, I saw a Sikh groom, with his blinkers on, coming for his ‘phere’, not even on a scrawny looking white-ish pony, but on an elephant!!! Now that is one-up for these people! One up in ridiculousness! IF, you decide that the groom ‘must’ have his sehra on, it must be removed before he comes into the Darbar Sahib. It is ‘maryadha’ that the Guru Ji does not like anyone hiding their faces when they ‘face’ Him.

12. Modern Ideas? One very ‘modern’ and (they thought) progressive couple came to me suggesting that they wish to share the four ‘lavan’ – with groom leading for two ‘lavan’ and bride leading for two. Again, I am not one for public spectacle, if I am conducting. Traditionally the male leads, or steps in front, as sometimes

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happens in life. The Anand Karaj is always with the groom leading the bride around the Guru Ji. (It is natural for the man to play a protective role, by being in front, to protect his very precious female partner). I can understand all this modern-day fuss about equality between the sexes, and most of it justified I am sure, but let us not discourage the art of chivalry amongst the males). Example: I can see a groom carrying his bride over the threshold, but I cannot see a bride carrying her groom over the threshold. Can you? I recently saw a video where the groom kissed his bride in front of the Guru Sahib after the successful completion of the first ‘round’. A gasp went up from the sangat and the secretary smartly went up to him and told him off. The damage had been done. Remember, there is no, ‘The Groom may now kiss the bride’ in an Anand Karaj!

13. Pela Reminder:

Bride’s mum and dad – Please do not forget the ‘pela’ or else you might have to grab some lady’s ‘chuni’ or dapatta for the pela!

14. Punctuality of Sangat/Janj. Please remind all ‘guests’ and even the janj to arrive punctually at the given time for the start of the kirtan before the ‘lavan’. It becomes rather unruly and embarrassing when the couple are already seated for their ‘lavan’ and sangat members are still coming in to ‘metha tek’. All the above points, and any others outside the norm need to be discussed with me, before the occasion so that we do not have disagreements on the spot which could lead to ill-feelings. A couple, for example might strongly believe that they wish to dress as clowns for their ‘lavan’. I will not wish to conduct such an Anand Karaj, BUT, please do send me an invitation. I would certainly like to come and watch the spectacle! I need a good laugh as much as the next person! Now let us get into the serious business of the spiritual aspects of Anand Karaj.

3.TheKudhmayee–EngagementCeremony.

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(Ifyouarenothavinganengagementceremonyorhavealreadydoneso,thisarticleisperhapsjustforinformation.)Not much spiritual significance is placed on the pre-Anand Karaj ceremony of Kudhmayee – the Engagement, due mainly to ignorance. We have all sorts of cultural ceremonies like Roka/Roki, Dhaka, Chuni/Dastar ceremonies, Mehndhi Night, sangeet night, ladies’ night, stag night, hen night, and numerous more you might know of. We still love to go through Indian cultural, or Brahminical ceremonies and even ‘western’ ceremonies. I have nothing against as much merry-making as is possible but, most important for us as Sikhs, is what does Guru Ji say about any pre-marital ceremony? To my knowledge to date, in Sikhi spiritual terms, there is only Kurhdmayee - Engagement. This can take numerous forms but to me the spiritual import is paramount. What we do around that as part of our ‘cultural and even religious baggage’, is entirely up to us. In Gurbani, the 'engagement', "sagaayi" or "manganee" is called "kurhdmayee". The simplest, in modern day, is that the bride-to-be and her parents and siblings, and very close relatives – grandparents, Thaye, Chachay, Bhuas, Mame, Mamian, and their spouses, travel to the bridegroom-to-be's home or nearest gurdwara to them for a ‘Kudhmayee’ ceremony which should include 'both' bride-to-be, and groom-to-be. Paramount in all this, is the explanation of the four shabads (or one shabad in four stanzas) just before the 'lavan-dha-paath'in the Sri Guru Granth Sahib. (I can already 'feel' the elders saying - kedhay neheen suneya ke kurdhi, mundhe dhe qar jave, veah tho pehlaan! (Never heard of a girl going to the boys house before the ‘lavan’!) My response is - that you have probably not heard that the four shabads before the lavan are about Engagement either! My second response is, that these old folks are kidding themselves that the groom to be, and the bride to be, are not already acquainted with each other! We kid ourselves these days with so many of our 'rituals' and ceremonies of marriage when we know for a fact that couples 'know' each other before marriage, yet we hang on to archaic ceremonies which used to assume that the couple have not seen each other, let alone meet each other, until the 'lavan'. Let us evolve with the times in a responsible manner, and, also, move closer to Guru Ji rather than cling to traditional cultural norms which need evolution too, and perhaps help us slowly move away from the fold of Hindu and Muslim-based religious and cultural ceremonies and rituals. At the ceremony, normally, the young man, groom-to-be, is bestowed with a gatra/kirpan, a dastaar and a kara, not of gold but preferably of cast iron or steel, by his future 'in-laws' and the young lady is similarly gifted with a gatra/kirpan, a kara, a 'soot' and a special chuni by her future 'in-laws', besides other gifts. All this after a one hour dewan on the topic of Kurdhmayee and

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... simran of course, which the couple attend. After all, it is meant for them both, AND also their families. A few very close family friends will, of course, get invited. I feel that even the ‘Milni’ should be done at this ceremony, because this is the first time that both families meet officially. The Kudhmayee is organized, hosted and carried out by the family of the groom-to-be. The Anand Karaj is organized, hosted and carried out by the bride-to-be’s family. Let me explain what this ceremony entails, from a spiritual perspective. The "Laavan" Bani is found at page 773. Just before that is the "kurhmayee" shabad (four stanzas) where we find the words " kurham kurhmayee aaya". Guru Ji applies earthly examples to make His point. The Guru Ji is the 'kudm' - the 'parent-in-law', the soul is the 'jeev-isteri' - the soul-bride, and Waheguru of course is the 'Peti-Permayshar', the Husband Lord. Guru Ji leads the soul onto the path (path of Gurmukh) towards Waheguru. In the 1st pada there is a desire to meet the Guru and to be rid of all negativity. "Satgur purakh milaiye' avgun vikna gun reva bal raam jio..." The 2nd pada speaks of the Godly attributes of 'sat'. 'santokh' and 'bhao' - the search for the Truth, contentment, and love/awe for Waheguru. These have now come to do the engagement. "Sat santokh kar bhao kurham kurhmayee aaya bal raam jio.." This is done openly. Not in secret. "Sant janna kar mel gurbani gavaiya bal raam jio." After the kurhmaiyee, in the 3rd pada the bride soul realises she is indeed fortunate to be engaged with the Satguru. Those unfortunate manmukhs wander about in misery. "Ujjarh panth bhramay gavari khin khin dhakay khaiya.." The 4th pada speaks now of the impending marriage since the kurhmayee is done. The marriage date is set and the jeev isteri is full of joy. "Aaya laggan ganaiye hirday dhan umahiya bal raam jio." The wise members of her family now resolve to get her married immediately. "Guni gyani beh meta pakaiya feray tatt divaiye." (tatt here means "tattkaal" - immediate). It is clearly spelt out here that ‘feray’, physically walking together around the Guru Ji, must be done. This marriage is forever. " Nanak kirpa kar ke melay vicharh katay na jaaiye". The actual marriage is described in the Laavan Shantt which follows next.

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I look upon any opportunity that I get to espouse the spiritual journey of Sikhi and in Kurhmayee and Anand Karaj, there are such immense opportunities of discovering more about Sikhi spirituality that we totally miss out on that with a focus on the 'maya-based' or the ‘that-is-the-way-it-has-always-been-done’ earthly ceremonies. Both the Kurhmayee and the Anand Karaj are deeply spiritual ceremonies exhorting one to move onto the path of Guru Ji, or God-ward. The best way to go through this life in human form is by keeping a constant awareness of one’s journey towards Waheguru – keeping in touch with one’s infinite nature (atma) in this finite human life. 4. Sikhiya1:Lavanbased

(ThisisthestartoftheserioussideofAnandKaraj–theinformationandadviceforthecoupleonthepathoftheHouseholder–GrahastMarag.) 'Lavan dha Paath'. I have seen many an Anand Karaj booklet printed and with a translation/intepretation of the 'lavan' taken en bloc from someone's translation line for line. To be honest, at best, I can never see the point of that and it normally makes little sense to my simple mind! Very few read them and even less understand the meanings given. So, keeping in mind the KISS principle, I try to keep it as simple as I can yet meaningful. (KISS - Keep It Simple Sardarji!!!) This is always being fine-tuned as I gain more experience and what benefits the sangat AND the couple and is meaningful in our spiritual journey. My purpose here is imparting 'at least some' practical (and spiritual) information before and during the Anand Karaj - not the overly deep 'religious' significance of lavan-dha-paath. I am yet to fully understand that myself. I leave that to the philosophers and scholars! I like to take the mystery out of mysticism! Into the 21st. century, the new millennium, certain cultural changes need to be reflected in the 'Sikhiya'/advice, which traditionally is given to the bride and groom at an Anand Karaj. I do not subscribe, firstly, to the 'peti permayshar' (husband is God) and the one-sided 'sikhiya' given mainly to the bride and her responsibilities towards her 'in-laws', though the lady-of-the-

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home, no doubt, does play a greater part in the success of a marriage partnership. And that is a proven fact that the female of our species is more capable than the male, when it comes to especially household matters, children and even finances! Sorry guys! The hint is: Guys need to get in touch with their feminine side. You have heard that before! (Peti Permayshar: God is Husband, not husband is God!) (Traditionally Sikh parents look forward to their sons and their daughters-in-law looking after them in old age. I believe that tradition is now breaking down. We have to be realistic about this. Young couples want to set themselves up for their lives and the lives of their offsprings. There is less room for looking after aged parents. Nest eggs, life insurances, superannuation, pensions, and old folks’ retirement villages are the answer these days. Be prepared to face the realities of the modern age. Only the very lucky aged parents will have offsprings who will look after them till their dying days, and that too need not be sons and daughters-in-laws!) Whether we like it and acknowledge it, or not, attitudes and our 'culture' have changed or evolved if you like. A marriage, even a Sikh marriage between two (normally) western educated individuals is today an equal partnership and this can be fully and thoroughly explained, within the framework of Sikh philosophy. I begin by asking a question. What is different between a normal 'western' wedding ceremony, religious or secular, and concept of married life - and an Anand Karaj, and Sikh married life? An Anand Karaj and Sikh marriage is unigue. It is not only the enjoining of two souls in holy matrimony but the couple as one unit - the bride, with Waheguru, the Peti Permayshar, the husband. It is the start of a joint spiritual journey of man and wife on the path of spiritual progress. Sahib Sri Guru Amar Das Ji nay Grahast Marag nu Sikh dharam dha dhura, thhamm stthapat keeta. {The fourth master, Guru Ram Das established Grahast Marag - the way of the householder, as a pillar of the Sikh way of life.} The only eternal aspect of every human being is a (bride) soul, a 'suhaagan atma', which craves the sight of its husband - Waheguru. Remember, we are spiritual beings on a human journey, not human beings having spiritual experiences. That is why the Guru tells us that we progress spiritually 'sehaj subhaye' - without seeming effort and, gradually. This is because we already are 'spiritual beings'. The secret is to recognise that fact as early in life as we can. And for that a Sikh needs a guru, the Sri Guru Granth Sahib. Reading and personal ‘khoj’ (research) of the SGGS is a paramount duty of a Sikh. All is available these days on internet.

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So, when a Sikh man and a Sikh woman come before the Guru, their souls/'atma', are already yearning to find the path to Him. Two bodies come together, but as one spirit, in quest of Waheguru. 'Dhan pir eh n akhiyan, behen ekathay hoe. Aikh jyot doe moorti, dhan pir kehiyai soe' SGGSp.788 (They are not husband and wife merely by being together. One light/spirit in two bodies, yes, then they are husband and wife.) So, their ideals must match, especially the quest Godward. Even Aristotle had this to say about love: Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies The laavan are the four hymns which the couple first listen to and then, while listening a second time in music, circumambulate (circle clockwise) the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji. (SGGSp.773). My brief interpretation of the spirit of the four 'lavan' and circumambulations is that they represent the four stages of married life – First Round: Physical (Body) Second Round: Mental (Mind) Third Round: Spiritual (Spirit) Fourth Round: Union with Waheguru. (Anand – Eternal Balance) It is very important that you study the full spiritual import of the 'lavan' gurbani. Each of us derives our own meaning from it and it is all relevant to us personally - to every individual's own spiritual progress. Below I am merely giving you a brief personal basic understanding. The first 'laav' asserts that marriage is encouraged as the best state of life for a Sikh. 'Har pehledi laav parvirti karam drirdaya balraam jeeyo...'. In the first round of the marriage ceremony, the Lord sets out His instructions for performing the daily duties of married life...'. With Waheguru in their hearts, the couple set about building their family unit - children, materialistic aspirations and a home conducive to spiritual elevation, the Sikhi way. I refer to this as the 'Body' Stage. The second 'laav' conveys the mental aspirations of a couple. 'Har doojedi laav Satgur purakh milayeya baleram jiyo ...'. The Guru shows the way to the ultimate Purakh - the husband. The couple is urged towards the path to Waheguru. To be free of ego; being in awe of, and inspired by, Waheguru which means being free of fear. Inculcating kirtan, nitnem, sewa, personal research into Sikhi and greater spiritual awareness in their lives. I refer to this as the Mind/Mental Stage when one works on one’s attitude towards life and the upbringing of one's offsprings - the education and also especially their spiritual/moral upbringing.

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The third 'laav' declares detachment from the world and outside influences for the bride (the couple) while becoming more deeply devoted to her husband (Waheguru) wishing to live only for Him. 'Har teejedi laav man chao peya bairagia balram jiyo...' In the third round, the mind is filled with the joy of divine love. After all the lofty aspirations of setting up home and family and providing for the family, and after one's own mental preparations, the couple then seeks its true spiritual aspirations and yearnings and detachment from all the 'maya' that it has accumulated - and attachment to Waheguru. The quest for inner detachment within outer attachment begins. I refer to this 'laav' as the Spirit Stage. Finally, the fourth 'laav' describes a spiritual union of love and devotion where there is no feeling of separation from Waheguru imparting perfect joy and contentment. 'Har chauthedi laav man sehaj bheya Har paya balram jiyo...'. In the fourth round the mind becomes peaceful having found the Lord. This is the stage of 'Anand' – the ‘sehaj avastha’. Reflect on each aspect as you are actually, physically walking each round, around Guru Ji. First Round – reflect on the physical aspects of your married life. The love you feel for your soul mate with you; the kind of ‘house’ you want; your relationship with your in-laws; the harmony between your two families; your material requirements, your vocational aspirations and how you are going to achieve them. Feel positive, feel good, be relaxed. Second Round – reflect on your mental thrust in your life. What kind of ‘home’ environment do you wish to create with your soul mate, for family, for visitors, for your offsprings? What direction is your spiritual growth going to take place? What kind of temperament do you wish of your soul mate and your offsprings? What efforts will you make towards your own spiritual growth with your soul mate and of your future offsprings – God-willing? Learn Punjabi for a start maybe? Research into gurbani? Learn how to do kirtan? Do regular Nitnem and naam simran? Even, what kind of books do you want in your home library? Third round – in time, after your home environment is established, your offsprings are well into their future aspirations, life has achieved stability, you turn your attention to your spiritual progress. You see ‘inner detachment from all that is around you, but full outer detachment’. Is your ‘Nitnem’ ongoing? What kind of ‘sewa’ are you in? Do you go to gurdwara regularly? What are you personally doing to improve the ‘spiritual’ environment in your gurdwara or at home? Do you do regular simran? You will wish to start delegating household responsibilities to other family members, so that you can devote more time to your spiritual needs.

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Fourth Round – reflect on the dusk of your life. What are your aspirations then? Have you reached a state of ‘Anand’? You want to work towards that right from Round One. No harm on reflecting on all that straightaway. Do not be afraid of the twilight of your life. Infact plan that from the outset.

5. Sikhiya2.Betisulakhaniandspiritualmarriagetoday.

(Thischapter,Iadmit,ofnecessityisquite‘dense’andmighttakeafewreads,butworthitifyouareseriousaboutyourspiritualprogress.Thisinvaluableinformationon‘betisulakhani’ispartiallyfromVeerManjitSinghJiofTitiwangsa,Malaysia) Betisulakhani simply means 32 attributes. In Sikh marriage it means considering the attributes - becoming aware of the attributes needed, for a marriage to be successful. As a couple, you have to work at these attributes. The attributes are considered 'feminine' but that does not mean that the wife only should have them. It also means that the time has come for the husband to 'get in touch with his feminine side'! In fact, I believe that it applies more to the husband than the wife! Read on ... 'Batisulakhni' appears in the amazing shabad by Guru Arjun Dev Ji at page 370/1. In that shabad Guruji personalises 'bhagti' and describes her as a wonderful chaste woman. It begins at page 370 as "Nij bhagti silwantee naar". She is a bride of greatly agreeable disposition. She is 'roop anoop puri achaar', 'of incomparable beauty and perfect of character'. The house in which she dwells becomes a fortunate abode. 'jit grahe vasay so sobhavanta'. But, it is a rare Gurmukh who achieves her [bhagti]. 'gurmukh paiye kinay virllay jantaa'. That is the 1st stanza.

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The rahao stanza changes tack and takes on a personal note. 'sokarni kaaman gur mil hao paaye'. In every situation she looks charming. 'jaj kaaj partahaye suhayee.." The 2nd stanza speaks of the Guru's blessings which enabled the bride soul to her 'ghar' [nijhi ghar of adohl avastha], whilst the 3rd speaks of her many attributes. Mind you, we are talking of bhagti here. Philosophy is such a dry subject, but the Gurus being Master Poets have raised it to such tasteful Divine levels. Just reading such a shabad gives you 'rass' (ecstasy). It is this 3rd stanza which has the word 'batisulakhni'. The line goes 'batisukakhni sach santat poot; agiya kari sughar saroop'. 'She is blessed with sublime qualities and her generations are unblemished'. That is the usual translation. But if you look at page 151, Guru Nanak Dev Ji has 'defined' what 'poot' really means. In that shabad Guruji says "Mata mat pita santokh' i.e wisdom is the mother whilst contentment is the father. That shabad ends with 'sach santat kaho Nanak jogh' i.e a child of Truth is born out of this union of wisdom and contentment. What that means is if you have wisdom and contentment you will be able to have thoughts which are 'true' in origin i.e they will be thoughts aligned with His Hukm. 'Betisulakhni' literally means a woman who has 32 [beti] good attributes. (Remember that a woman in Sikhi means the soul (jeev isteri/soul bride). To give you some background. The legend of ‘betisulakhani’ in Hindu/Buddhist mythology goes back to the time of Raja Vikramditya [after whom the Bikrami calendar is named]. Indra had pleased Lord Shiva who gifted him with a splendid throne. In Indra's court there were 32 ‘apsaras’ (courtesans) who quietly admired Shiva. Parvati became jealous and cursed them to become statues on the newly gifted throne. The ‘apsara’s were aghast and pleaded with Parvati. She relented a bit and said “when someone who is worthy enough sits on this throne and has 32 qualities [which you all collectively have], you will gain release”. During the Bhoja dynasty Raja Vikramditya discovered this throne in his kingdom. As he tried to sit on it, he was blocked by the apsaras turn by turn. Each spun a tale of some virtue like, bravery, wisdom, forbearance, kindness, sweet speech etc. Each time a virtue was expressed Raja Vikramditya was found to have that quality. In all there were 32 attributes and as such the number 32 is supposed to be the very epitome of all good qualities. Guru Arjun Dev however says all these qualities are in 'bhagti'. At page 1163 the shabad by Bhagat Namdev Ji says 'jo na bhajantay narayanaa, tin ka mai na karu darshanaa'. "Those who do not meditate upon the Lord, I do not want to even see them'. Here the male gender is used to indicate 'betisulakna' for a person who may have these qualities but is 'nakay bina'. i.e

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without spiritual honour. Such a person says Bhagat Ji will not look good 'na sohay' even if he has 32 attributes. So, in Sikhism, spiritual honour is considered ‘above’ Betisulakhani Below is a traditional List of Betisulakhani. 1. Bezurg Adherta - respect and love for elders, parents, parents-in-law, grandparents and other ageing relatives. 2. Perohnan sanman – hospitality to guests. The home should radiate love and happiness. 3. Sundartaa - beauty. To dress well and look good and also have an inner beauty which comes with spiritual wellbeing. A couple which radiates togetherness radiates beauty. 4. Savdhantaa – alertness/astuteness. Alertness to family, friends and community wellbeing and astuteness against evil-doers and charlatans. 5. Lajjaa - sense of modesty. To dress respectfully. Once married, a couple should dress not for sex-appeal, but portray a sense of modesty, yet elegance. 6. Ekel –wisdom/astuteness. 7. Hatth - determination. To progress and seek success as a couple. 8. Sohardta - kindhearted. To show compassion. 9. Sachta - truth. A marriage should be based on being truthful to each other and to God. 10. Bahadari - bravery. To have the courage to support and defend each other against all odds. 11. Pavitarta - purity of thought and action – devoid of deviousness 12. Vidheyavan – always learning and improving one’s knowledge and knowledge of one’s partner and those around you. 13. Udham - dynamic effort. Not to just expect things to happen. The ability to work towards an ongoing better relationship with spouse and family on both sides and general progress in life.

14. Udhartaa - reformative. Helping each other, and others, to improve. 15. Gun grahataa - able to grasp values and adopt them. 16. Mun di shudhtayee/sevachta - cleanliness/purity of the mind. Honesty and transparency with each other. 17. Dharam - righteousness. To perform one’s duties and responsibilities in life. 18. Khima - forgiveness. To work out grievances and put them to rest without bringing them up again and again. 19. Gyan - knowlegeable. The pursuit of wisdom is life-long. Never ever feel that you know everything. 20. Indriya tay vasikaar - control over the senses and passions like ego, anger, lust, greed, covetousness, revenge and so on.

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21. Shubh kamaa da subhav - inclined towards lofty ideals 22. Ghambirtaa - profundity. Not to be superficial. 23. Punn - charitable. Contributions towards our institutions, for example, keeps them going. This is a corporate responsibility of a couple. Also, to be of service (sewa). 24. Dhirajh - resoluteness, determination, patience. 25. Nimartaa - humility. 26. Tej - glorious, sharp, alert. 27. Dya/sohardata - compassionate. 28. Peti/parmeshvar bhagati – love/respect of God who is the Lord of the household. Also, love and respect for each other. (Originally this was sometimes interpreted as treating the husband as God. Today it means equal respect and love for each other and holding God as the head of the household.). 29. Nirlobhtaa - devoid of greed/avarice. 30.Nirmohitaa – inner detachment from materialism (maya). 31. Sankochta -frugality, spending wisely, household budgeting

32. Creating the right environment and bringing up children as future responsible, law-abiding human beings.

Note: (a)The above list is generally, a combination of two ‘lists’ which have been incorporated into one and my own thoughts. One comes in ‘Gurbai Sankheya Kosh’ by Seva Singh Sevak. The other is from two sources – Guru Granth Sahib Kosh by Bhai Vir Singh Ji and ‘Gurmat Martand by Bhai Kahn Singh Ji Nabha (b)There were other ‘traits’ like knowledge of music, art, poetry, sewing and home cleanliness. Inthelistabove,onewillnoticethattherearelessclausesabouttherelationshipwitheachother.Thereismentionofloveandmutualtrust.Oneshouldalsoconsidernottakingeachotherforgrantedandmakingdecisionsafterconsultingeachotherandsoon.Perhapstheseareclausesneededinthisdayandageofequalitybetweenhusbandandwife.Wiveswillsaythatthehusbandshallneverforgetherbirthday,theirweddinganniversaryandbuythempresents!Wecanbecomerathermundanewhenconsideringtheseattributesorsoloftythatweoverlookresponsibilitytowardseachother.Abalanceisneeded,hencethisexercise.So,Inormallyliketoaskacoupletodrawuptheirown‘betisulakhani’afterperusingtheabove.The32attributeswhichwillmaketheirmarriagealifelongsuccess!

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Analternativesuggestionisthatthecouplesub-divides32attributesintoperhaps3sections-10attributesneededbythehusband,10bythewifeand12neededasacouple!Butfirst,doperusethelistalreadygiven,becausesomeloftyandspiritualidealsarenecessarytohaveagreatmarriageforlife.Ibelievethatdoingthisexercisebetweenacoupleandevenwithhelpfromelders,isessentialtowardsalifelongrelationshipashusbandandwifeandasacoupleattachedtoWaheguru.Aboutthenumber32–itisimportanttoincludealltheclauses/attributesyoufeelarenecessary.Itdoesnotmatterifthenumberexceeds32.Thereisnoroomforill-feelings,rancour,bullying,backbiting,violenceorgeneralnegativityinamarriage.Nevergotobedwithadisagreementbetweenyou.Resolvepointsofcontentionasquicklyasyoucan.Neverdragpastgrievancesintofreshdisagreements.Thereneedstobeaspiritofgiveandtakeandwillingnesstoworkoutcompromises.Nevershowbiasestowardsonesetofparentsovertheother!Myobservationsover60yearsisthatinearlierdaysofmylife,therewasgreaterbiasshowntowardsthegroom’sparents.Wife’sparentsneverevenusedtoeatintheirdaughter’shouse!!!Inrecenttimesthependulumhasswung.Thereappearstobeagreaterbiastowardsthewife’sparents.Bothbiaseswillleadtowardsdisharmony,ifnotintheshortrun,thencertainlyinthelongrun.In conclusion, both husband and wife play an equal part in making a marriage a success. God-consciousness plays a central role in Sikh married life. A couple needs to 'make a home' which is conducive to peace, tranquility, harmony, happiness and inclined towards spiritual elevation. Honesty and truth between each other is paramount. In this day and age, the wife helps the husband to 'get in touch with his feminine side'. A pleasant temperament of both husband and wife leads to a welcoming 'home'. Finally, when siblings, parents and even grandparents come to you for advice, you are in a very successful marriage!

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6. Suggested‘run-sheet’fortheceremony

The belief that an Anand Karaj ‘must’ finish before noon is not Sikhi based. An Anand Karaj can take place when the couple and their parents find it most suitable – at any time, on any day. That is the freedom, the breath of fresh air, free from superstition or unexplained mysticism shrouded in vagaries, in Sikhi. Mah devas murat bhelay, jis kao neder keray. Nanak mengai daras dhan, kirpa kero heray. (SGGSp133 Barah Maha) {That days, months, moments are auspicious, when the Lord casts His benevolent ‘glance’. Nanak begs for your vision.} All times, when Waheguru is in our hearts, are considered auspicious. It is only our Hindu based ‘vehems’, ‘bherems’ (superstitions) that work against us. For example, I have conducted an Anand Karaj in San Francisco at 4pm. leading into a very tastefully programmed ‘Reception’ which even had a half hour sitar/tabla recital followed by Daler Mehndhi - when all those who could not stand loud noise could leave!!! (I need input from all of you and even discussion on certain points. Feel free to question and discuss any changes you wish for or disagree with). Below are my views as I would like the ceremony to run. But, you inform of changes and disagreements and we can discuss those issues and decide. Times are assumed for a morning Anand Karaj. A

Start time (if in the morning which is the norm, the ‘service’ should start by 9.30am AFTER Milni (if you have one) and Guru-ka-breakfast! Otherwise everything gets late and gets rushed. Not nice! Sangat, including janj, bride and groom, come into Darbar Sahib and kirtan starts. (If you wish groom to come at a certain time and bride at another, please inform. I prefer them coming in together.) Please do not keep sangat waiting and there is no need for a grand entrance. Remember – HUMILITY. Half Hour kirtan and simran: (ending with shabad ‘Keeta lodiyay kam, so Har pai akhiyay.’ 10am. Bride and Groom are called forward for the ceremony. There is no need for a special carpet for couple to sit on in front of Guru Ji, unless the ground/carpet at that spot is uncomfortable.

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B

I will give an introductory talk on the procedure etc. Sangat is part and parcel of this amazing spiritual experience. My intention also will be to make both of you as relaxed as possible, so expect some light banter, spiritual of course. I will speak directly to you both about the procedure, and also ask for your consent to proceed with the ceremony. Both of you shall consent by bowing deeply before Guru Ji from where you sit. No need to stand up and ‘metha tek’. C

Opening Ardaas requesting consent from Guru Ji to carry out the ceremony. Bride and groom stand PLUS BOTH mums and BOTH dads. The ardaas shall be conducted by the Granthi. Inform, if you want me to do this opening ardaas. I prefer the Granthi – leaves me to focus on my function. Opening HUKMNAMA: Granthi reads it. I shall then do a brief intepretation of the Hukm Nama. D

Pela ceremony. Groom’s's father amd mum come forward to put 'haars' on both of you, if they intend to. (I prefer the ‘haars’ to be put on both bride and groom at this point before the pela is handed mainly to prolong the pela ceremony.) And then hand the pela from Groom to Bride. Both of you, wrap the pela around your right hand. You do not want it to come out of your hands during the ceremony! Groom inform your dad and mum to take their time and not rush through it. I have to sing a few lines. (PELAY THAINDAY LAAGI ...). More often than not I find that the singer has not even started singing the shabad, the pela has already been given! Tell mum and dad to SLOW DOWN when handing the pela – do it properly and wrap your end securely around your right hand. E LAVAN: Four 'lavan'. Granthi reads each 'lav'. When I start singing both of you lean forward, ‘metha tek’, get up together. Then Groom, move in front of Bride and proceed around the Guru Granth Sahib, clockwise. S L O W !!! No hurry please. Take you time. I have to sing a complete stanza by the time you come around! At end of each round, I prefer both of you to metha-tek and sit down. Then get up again after Granthi has read the next 'lav' and I start singing and proceed. END OF FOUR LAVAN. Both of you ‘metha tek’ and sit down. (Shabad Veah hoa mere babula ...) I shall talk to both of you - some advice etc, and sing perhaps two more shabads.

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At this point, I normally request both mums and dads and sisters and brothers of couple to come and sit behind them, firstly for some memorable photographs and also as a sign of the union of two families. (I prefer at least 45 minutes of kirtan after the ‘lavan’ as this is the most significant moment in the couple’s future lives. This is the moment when they are on a spiritual ‘high’; having just completed their ‘lavan’. This is the moment from which they draw their spiritual strength. In times of hardship or problems, the couple should be able to take themselves back to this moment in time, dwell on it and this spiritual point shall help them to calmly solve their problems and move on.) F Anand Sahib 5 paudian. (The couple and families need not go back and sit in the sangat. They shall also be served pershaadh first and leave the ‘Darbar Sahib’ first at the close, if ceremony is being conducted in a gurdwara.) Full final ardaas with all standing including sangat. Hukm Nama - again explained. G Degh. I prefer both of you to take degh first and move out. (Unless, as mentioned elsewhere, I have witnessed the couple serving degh to the sangat and collecting invaluable ‘blessings’ in the process!) OTHERWISE, THERE ENSUES A COMMOTION AND NOISE IN FRONT OF GURU JI AS SANGAT CLAMOUR TO CONGRATULATE YOU BOTH AND CLAMOURING TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS WITH YOU. I PREFER YOU GO TO LANGGAR HALL TO RECEIVE CONGATULATIONS ETC. H Perhaps two chairs can be placed in Langgar Hall where both can come and sit and sangat can then proceed to approach them, after taking their degh, and give their ‘segens’, ‘ashirvaads’, and congratulations and take pictures. I can announce that beforehand. I You will have realised by now that I do put a great deal of thought into the occasion because I have seen the screw-ups and embarrassements and awkward moments. I have seen Anand Karajs go wrong from the word GO, leaving a life-long bad memory.

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7. Sikhwishingtomarryanon-SikhthroughAnandKaraj(‘Mixed’AnandKaraj)

Thisissue,asitgrows,hasbecomeaverytouchysubject.TherearepartsoftheUK,CanadaandUSAwheresuch‘mixed’AnandKarajshavebeendisrupted,sometimesforcibly.Weneedtounderstandtheissuehere.(Thesearemyviewsafter60yearsofobservationsandexperiencesandalso,sadtosay,theinabilityofAkalTakhattogiveuscleardirection.)Firstandforemost,anAnandKarajisaSikh‘sacred’ceremonyofaSikhmanmarryingaSikhwoman.Thisisclearlyspeltoutintheorthodox,acceptedmainstreamRehatMaryadha(CodeofConduct)asestablishedin1941bytheAkalTakhat,thesupremeseatofmatterssecularandspiritualinSikhism.{ArticleXVIII(b)}Therefore,initsstrictestintepretation,a‘mixed’marriage(anon-SikhmarryingaSikh)cannottakeplacebySikhrites,theAnandKaraj.BythissameRehatMaryadha,onecandeducethata‘Sikh’,inbrief.isonewhoprofessestheSikhfaith,byacceptingtheTenSikhmasters,culminatingintheSriGuruGranthSahibashisorher‘Guru’.So,firstly,ifthenon-SikhpartnerishappytoadopttheSikhfaith,thenIseenoproblemincarryingoutanAnandKarajforsuchacouple.Ifthenon-SikhpartnerisnotinterestedinadoptingtheSikhlifephilosophy,then,logically,goingthroughanAnandKarajismeaninglessexceptasafun-filled,andforthatperson,aquaint,albeitmeaninglessceremonytobeenjoyedwearingacostume,probablyaresplendentturban,andgenerallyhavingagoodtime.This,then,isaninsulttomainstreamreligious‘Sikh’sentiment,evenifcertaingurdwarascondoneit(asarevenueearner).

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Sikhshavean‘initiation’ceremonywhichtakesplaceatthebirthofachildtoSikhparents.Itisintwopartsrolledintooneforsuchapurpose.The‘NaamKaran’,(NamingCeremony,doneimmediatelyafterachildisborn),andtheInitiationitself,the‘JanamSanskar’(whichiscarriedoutwhenthemotherisabletotakeherchildtothegurdwara–normallyafter40days).IttakesplacebeforetheSriGuruGranthSahib,theSikh‘Guru’.Closerelativesandfriendsareallowedtoattend.Deghcanbemadefortheoccasiontobeservedaftertheceremony.TheCeremony:The‘Guru-ka-sewadhar’,conductor(maleorfemale.Myuseofthemasculinegenderalsoincludesthefeminine)ofsuchaceremonymust,firstly,ofcourse,beaSikh.Inmycase,eithermyself,oracloseSikhfriendofminecarriesoutthisceremony.Preferablyonewhoisattheleast‘keshadhari’and‘nitnemi’{onewhohasunshornhair,andbeard(ifamanofcourse),tiesadastaar(keskiforaladyfortheoccasion)andalsodoesdailyprayers–Nitnem},capableofconductingSikhservices.TheGuru-ka-sewadharprepareshimselfbyhavingwashedandhavingcomposedhimselfwithhisownprayerroutine.Requirements:akirpan,asmallcastironbowl,cleanwaterandsugarpuffs,mini-teaspoon.Driedfruitsandnuts,ordeghforsangat.Thenon-Sikhpartnerisaskedtopresenthimself/herselfbeforeGuruJi.(TheSikhpartnershouldalsoattend.)Thesubjectisaskedwhetherhe/shewishestogothroughwiththisceremony.Onconsent,thesewadhardoesastandingArdaaswithonlytherespondentstanding,requestingforpermissionfromtheGuruJitoconductthisceremony.Therespondentsitsdowncross-leggedandthesewadhargoesdownonhisrightknee(bir-rasposition),pourssomewaterandputsinsomesugarpuffsintothebowlandstartsstirringthemixturewiththetipofhiskirpanatthesametimerecitingeitherthefirstfivestanzasoftheJapJiSahibfivetimesORthefullJapJiSahib.Attheendofthis,hestandsupagainanddoesasecondArdaasaskingpermissiontoadministerthe‘amrit’(themixture)andalsorequestingGuruJitogiveusaHukmNama

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fortheoccasion,thefirstletterofthefirstword,ofwhich,determinestheSikhspiritualnameoftherespondent.The‘amrit’isthenadministered.Fivedropsofthemixturewiththetipofthekirpanintothemouthinvokingtherespondenttosay‘Waheguru’fivetimes.Fivedropsaresplashedontothefaceoftherespondentagaininvoking‘Waheguru’.Thelastfivedropsarerubbedjustabovetheforeheadtowardsthecentreofthetopofthehead,invokingWaheguru.ThesewadharthengivestherespondentsomeadviceabouttheconductofaSikh.Hethenaskesifanyoneelsewouldlikeasipoftheremaining‘amrit’asablessingfromtheGuruandobligesusingasmallteaspoon.FivepaudisoftheAnandSahibarethenread,followedbythefinalArdaas,andthentheHukmNama.Therespondentisthengiventhefirstletterfromwhichhis/hernewSikhspiritualnamecanbeannounced.RespondentandfamilycandiscussthenameandeitherdecideonthenamethenandthereortakethewholenightandannounceitjustbeforetheallimportantAnandkaraj.Deghisservedconcludingtheceremony.ThereisanonusuponthecoupletotakesomespiritualresponsibilityiftheywishtogothroughanAnandKaraj.Itisimportanttounderstandthesentimentalitiesof‘mainstream’SikhswhoconsideritasacrilegewhenaSikhmarriesanon-SikhbyAnandkarajwhenthenon-SikhpartnerhasnointentionsofatleaststudyingabouttheSikhfaithandalsoifthecouplehavenointentionsofbringinguptheiroffspringsintheSikhfaith.Thenasecularweddingissuggestedbutforthesakeoftheeldersifneedbe,a‘JorhMela’(specialSikhservice)canbecarriedout.Thisleadsintothesubjectofdualso-called‘sacred’marriages.Normally,aChristianwhiteweddingfollowedbyanAnandKarajoraHindumarriageceremonyfollowedbyanAnandKarajandsoon.Thesearenormallydonetosatisfythesentimentsofeldersorjustasextrafestivities.SacredvowsofmarriagebeforeGodmustbeonlytakenonce,notmultipletimes.Thisbecomesfarcicalandonenotonlymocksthe

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sentimentsofeachfaith’sfollowersbutevenGod.IfyoudonotbelieveinGod,thenyoushouldnotgothroughany‘religious’weddingceremonyanyway.Ihavehadthehonourofconductingnumeroussuch‘mixed’AnandKarajswherethenon-SikhpartneriswillingtogothroughtheSikh‘initiation’ceremony.Idohavedifficultyinconscience,incarryingoutanAnandKarajwherethenon-SikhpartnerhasnointentionsofgoingthroughtheSikh‘initiation’ceremonyora‘mixed’couplewhowishtogothroughmultiple‘religious’ceremonies.Toreiterate,theAnandKarajisforaSikhmanmarryingaSikhwoman.IhavealsoconductedaSikhspiritual‘kirtanservice’whereIsinghymnsabout‘AnandKaraj’withacommentaryaboutaSikhmarriageafteracouplehasundertakenaHindureligiousweddingceremony.Thequestionhasoftenbeenaskedofme.Whatifthenon-Sikhpartnersimplygoesthroughthe‘initiation’ceremonytopleasemeandhasnointentionofeverpractisingorevenresearchingmoreaboutSikhism?Theansweris–Iamfinewiththat.Myconscienceisclear.Ihavedonetherightthingbymylifephilosophyandinvolvedmyspiritintheceremony.WhatacoupledoeswiththeirlivesaftertheAnandKaraj,isnolonger,myconcern,anyway.Thatisalluptothecupleandtheirfuture.SomecoupleskeepintouchwithmewhenneedingfurtherSikhspiritualadviceorinformationorwhentheyhavechildrenaskingformyblessingsandwell-wishes.Somedonot.In2016,IhadthehonourofconductingtheAnandKarajofJimandJacquelineFreemanofAustin,Texas,USAwhofirstofallpractisedtheSikhfaithforayearandcametoAustraliatogothroughtheSikhinitiationceremonyconvertingthemtoKamalSinghandChandaniKaur.TheylivehappilyinUSA,practisingSikhi,doingsewainthecommunityandalsointheirlocalgurdwara.

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In2017,acouple(Hindugentleman,Sikhwife)whohadbeenmarriedbyHinduritesapproachedmetoenquireif,after12yearsofmarriage,IwouldconducttheirAnandKaraj.Theirreasonwasthattheirsonwantedtokeephishairandofficiallygothrougha‘dastarbandhi’ceremonyandbecomeaSikh.ThecouplenowwishedtoadoptSikhismastheirlifephilosophy.IsawnoreasonnottoconducttheirAnandKarajaftertwelveyears.TheyhaveconsciouslynowdecidedtobecomeSikhs.Please,takeyourvowsseriouslyandonlyonce,dependingonyourspiritualorevenreligioussentiments,collectivelyasacouple,whetherwithintheSikhlifephilosophyorsomeotherfaithorreligionornoneatall.(Icanunderstandtheneedfora‘registrationofmarriage’asalegalrequirement,butnottwoormultiplereligiousceremonies.)Donotloseyourwayinmultipleceremonies.Yes,youcanrenewyourvowsdecadeslaterforvariousreasons.Trulyandsincerely,ifyoudonothaveanyspecificreligiousorspiritualdirection,makeyourlegalregistrationamemorableceremonyanddoawaywithalltheseso-called‘religious’ceremoniesiftheydonotmeananythingtoyou.Otherwisesticktoone,memorable,movingandmeaningful,spirituallyupliftingone.Theonewhichyouhopewillremainwithyoufortherestofyourlives.

8. SOME‘MARRIAGE’ADVICE/QUOTES/SAYINGSMarriages might be made in heaven but have to be lived out on earth. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one! – Anonymous The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. - Peter De Vries, an American editor and novelist, 1910-1993Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. – Aristotle

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Finally,theGurusays:��� ����� ��� ���� ����� ������ ��� ������� ����� ����� ���� ����� May I be embellished with truth, contentment, compassion, and righteousness i.e. practise them in real life. In this way, may I spiritually become a happily married soul (i.e. be nearer) and pleasing to my Beloved. - Guru Arjan Sahib, Guru Granth Sahib, 812