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Setting Limits with Children
Setting Limits
All children need limits set They all need guidance and boundaries
Limits can provide security and structure if done in a supportive manner
The goal is to help children develop internal judgment so they can guide themselves At a later age you don’t have to be
setting external restraints or external limits
Help children become thinkers so, if necessary, they can challenge rules later in life when they disagree
Setting Limits Help Us
Manage a child’s experimentation They need to explore within boundaries
– whether it’s a two-year-old or a four-year-old or a six-year-old
Deal with an immediate situation such as a tantrum when a child does not get the snack they wanted
Goals in Setting Limits
Create a sense of self If every need is expected to be met or if
all you experience are just punitive actions with hitting and spanking and isolation, this is going to affect your self-image – how you view yourself – and it’s going to affect the very definition of boundaries and of having a clear sense of where I end and someone else begins.
Goals in Setting Limits
Create a sense of self - Understand other people’s perspective (Theory of Mind) The child whose expectations are never
confronted with limits doesn’t develop a separation of where he ends and the rest of the world begins. This child expects the world to be part of him. Mom and Dad don’t have needs; only he has needs
Goals in Setting Limits
Create a sense of self Through back-and-forth interactions
where the child is constantly experimenting with the “me,” the “I,” the “self,” doing things to the other and getting feedback and getting reactions (including limits)
When no limits are set!
Can lead to fears and anxieties (a lack of security).
The lack of a response and a lack of limits may leave a child to be scared of anger and scared that anger can be too destructive because there’s no feedback early in life.
Too many or harsh Limits
If the feedback is overly punitive it can lead to a child who’s too scared to be assertive and his sense of an assertive sense of self is compromised
If the feedback is overly aggressive, verbally or physically, it will increase the child’s aggressive behavior
Earn the right!
Give more to Expect more! Discipline and setting limits are something you
earn the right to have. You earn that right by providing enough
nurturance , love, compassion, and Floortime! Floortime: Following your child’s lead allows
them to really feel you’re part of their universe, part of their life making them more responsive to your limits
The child needs to feel secure and confident that you’re there, that you’re in their corner to learn from your limits
Earn the right!
Children, when feeling secure, want your respect! This happens early as they come to
understand the difference between an admiring, approving look and a negative look.
Occurs between 12 and 24 months of life; it’s not something you have to wait to have until the child is four years old.
Establish a Positive Relationship
Have Fun!Show interest and enthusiasm in child’s interests
Listen, don’t judge or lecture
Sympathize and Empathize
Every Child is Unique
Discipline has to be tailored to the child’s personality,
to their emotional and sensory profile
Most children are sensitiveBe the “Gentile Giant”!
Sensitive Child
Emotional Quick to upset, 0-60, fussy and finicky Small emotional situations have a big
impact, both good and bad. Sensory
Oversensitive in most or all sensory systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement
Sensitive Child
Method needs to be very gentle, persistent, but firm You don’t want to throw fuel on
the fire when the child’s already scared by being loud and too tough.
Active/Aggressive Child
Emotional Angry and aggressive feelings Some are frustrated and highly sensitive in
some areas Others are craving lots of input
Sensory Underreactive to many sensory inputs, and
actively seek them out, especially proprioceptive
May get revved up by getting too much of these inputs
May have one area of overreactivity, like visual
Active Child
You have to be providing alternative ways for the child to be able to use all that energy, all that need for movement You have to have lots of constructive
ways to meet their sensory craving needs (positive emotional experience)
Be there as part of the child’s life and you have to be firmer and sometimes more persistent for longer periods of time until the child gets the idea
Self Involved Child
Emotional Easy going, quiet, passive May be thinking about own creative
fantasies Less social and more introverted
Sensory Under reactive in most or all sensory
systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement
May crave more of these inputs if provided, especially tactile, vestibular, and proprioceptive
Self Involved Child
Use affect to get the point across Child may need some movement and
sensory input in order to regulate and understand the limits that are being set
Defiant Child
Emotional Stubborn, negative, controlling Transitional problems Rigid and clever
Sensory Oversensitive in most or all sensory
systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement
Relatively stronger visual, but weaker auditory processing compared to the sensitive child
Defiant
Make sure you are not overwhelming child
May try using more visuals to help the child understand their limits
Transition may further escalate the child
Non-Verbal Child
Need to calm and regulate when upset
Does not understand logic if working at few first milestones. Punishments are pointless! Think of disciplining an 8 month old
Once child can stay in continuous flow they can understand patterns of gestures Respond to a frown or shaking of the
head
Educate Child if Verbal
You want to always educate the child Reason for the discipline and make
sure those conversations are two-way conversations, where the child gives his point of view and you can give your point of view
What to do
Always calm and soothe and help the child calm down first
Don’t discipline him in the middle of a tantrum
Discuss a little bit what just happened and then if the child has crossed the line and you feel discipline is in order, administer the discipline
What to do
Tough love approach is an extreme Notion that adults are entitled to get
their children’s respect and love and admiration
The children often harbor resentment and it affects their personalities
Avoid isolation or rejection. A child who needs more discipline
often is already feeling rejected and resentful and angry.
What to do – Long Term
Help the child move forward in development (up the milestones)
Improve their motor planning and processing
Improving their language skills or improving their interactive skills gives the child more and more incentive to behave, and more and more tools to use to express themselves
Always Remember
Be Consistent and be Persistent (rather than punitive) Use understanding with persistence
and firmness. Be proportionate: Always modulate
punishment to the crime When you feel you’re losing it,
because you’re only human, take a time out to relax, take a deep breath
Use pretend play or reality based conversations to work through stressful situations