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Self-TalkforaCalmerYou
Learnhowtousepositiveself-talktocontrolanxietyandliveahappier,morerelaxedlife
BEVERLYD.FLAXINGTONTheHumanBehaviorCoach
Avon,Massachusetts
DedicationThisbookisdedicatedtotwomenwhoshowedmefirsthandthepowerofpositiveself-talk:HenrySzafarzandDr.RichardHarte.Iwillbeforevergratefulfortheirpreciousgiftandfortheknowledgeofhowtoteachothers.
Contents
INTRODUCTION:TakeChargeofYourAnxiety—andSelf-TalkPreparingfortheCalmerYou
PartI
CHAPTER1:AnxietyandtheImportanceofSelf-TalkCHAPTER2:Self-TalkandYouCHAPTER3:FindingYourTriggers
PartII
CHAPTER4:BuildingYourSelf-TalkToolboxCHAPTER5:AnxietyinPersonalRelationshipsCHAPTER6:AnxietyintheWorkplaceCHAPTER7:DealingwithLifeChanges,CreatingLifeChangesCHAPTER8:ManagingStressfulSituationsCHAPTER9:TheArtofSelf-Reflection:ChallengingYourSelf-TalkCopyright
INTRODUCTION
TakeChargeofYourAnxiety—andSelf-Talk
Anxietyisafactoflifefortoomanypeople.That’sthebadnews.Thegoodnewsisit’sfixable.Everythingfromgettingstuckintraffictoburningthetoasttodealingwith
disappointmentinarelationshipcanfuelthefiresofanxietyuntilouranxiousmindcan’tseemtocalmitselfdown.Thisbookwillshowyouwhatanxietyis,howtodefineitandunderstandit,
andwhatcausesyoutobecomeanxious.Youwillhaveachancetocompleteanassessmenttouncoveryourtriggersandcausalevents.Thisbookiswrittenforanyonewhodesiresahigherqualityofemotionallifeandwhoistiredoflivinghisorherlifeinananxiousstate.Asyou’llseeinthefollowingpages,youalreadyhaveavaluabletoolwith
whichtoaddressyouranxiety:self-talk.Atitsmostbasiclevel,self-talkisthewayyoutalktoyourself.It’sakindofrunninginternalmonologue,astreamofconsciousness.Aspartofthereactionyouhavetolifecircumstances,itseems“normal”tohaveaconversationwithyourselfabouteverythingyouencounter,ormightencounter.Ifyouthinkaboutthatprocess,youwillfindthatyouprobablytalktoyourselfaboutmostthingsinyourlife.Thisbookwillshowyouhowtoturnthatself-talkintoanantidotetoanxiety.
It’sameansforyoutoturnbackthewavesofpanicthatsometimesthreatentooverwhelmyou.Howyourespondtoeventsinlifeisinfinitelymoreimportantthanwhatactuallyhappenstoyou.Youmayhaveheardstoriesaboutpeopleovercomingimpossibleoddstosucceed,oraboutthosewhoriseabovetheirchallenges.Whattheysaytothemselves,howtheyinterprettheevents,whattheychoosetouseastheirself-talkisoftenattherootoftheirabilitytoriseandsucceed.Whatmakesthedifferencebetweenthosepeoplewhoseemto
succeed.Whatmakesthedifferencebetweenthosepeoplewhoseemtoovercometheobstaclesandmakethingshappen,versusthosethatgetstuckandcan’tseemtofindthewayoutoftheiranxiousthoughtsandfeelings?Oftenitistheirself-talk.It’sthethingspeoplesaytothemselvestogetthemthroughorgivethemnewenergyorhelpthemproblemsolve.Ofcourse,there’sgoodself-talkandnotsogoodself-talk.Infact,your
internalmonologuecan,sometimes,makethingsworse.Inadditiontotheactualreal-lifeevents—youmight,forexample,beunabletopayyourbillsorexperienceablow-upfightwithyourspouse—youranxietybecomesexacerbatedbythewayyoutalktoyourselfaboutit:“Thereiswaytoomuchweekleftoverattheendofmymoney.”“Myspouseissorudetome!”“I’mnevergoingtogetahead.”Thesestatementsandthestoriesyoutellyourselfcandeepenyouranxiousresponses.Whatyoushouldrealize,though,isthatthisnegativeself-talkisactually
withinyourcontrol.Whatyouwilllearnfromthisbookisthatthereisadifferencebetweennegativeself-talk,whichdefeatsandstealsenergy,andpositiveself-talk,whichallowsyoutogetupagain,shakeoffthesetback,andfindanewway.Everyoneknowsthatanxietyisn’tgoodforyourhealth.Researchshowsitcan
raisebloodpressure,disruptsleep,causedigestiveproblems,andcauseanoverallfeelingofmalaise.Somepeoplebecomesousedtolivingwithanxietythattheybelieveitisthenormalstateofthemind.Theydevelopahightoleranceforpainandchoosetoignoretheeffectsoftheanxiety,ratherthanchoosingtotakechargeofitandmanageitdifferently.Thenegativetapesthatpeopleplayintheirsubconsciousdepletetheirenergy,
defeattheirbestintentions,andleavethembytheproverbialsideoftheroad,outofthegastheyneedtokeepgoing.Replacementscriptswithpositiveself-talkgiveyouawaytocalmdown.Infact,thescriptsyouplayinyourheadcanaffecttheoutcomeofyourlifecircumstances.Knowingwhattodoandbeingabletocallupontheseideasinanymomentisultimatelywhatmakesthedifferencebetweenthosewhocanmanagetheirself-talktotheiradvantageand
differencebetweenthosewhocanmanagetheirself-talktotheiradvantageandthosewhoaredoneinbyit.Ofcourse,learningaboutyourself-talkdoesn’tautomaticallymeanyouwill
haveapositiveattitudetowardeverythingnomatterwhathappens.Anxietywillstillvisityou.Itcansneakupwhenyouleastexpectit.Butthepointistobepreparedforit.Whatyouwilllearnthroughthisbookishowtorecognizethevisitsitmakes,whattriggersyouranxiety,andhowtocounteritthroughself-talk.Bygettingahandleonthesethings,youcanchangethegame.Youwilllearnhowtodifferentiatebetweentheself-talkthatstealsandtheself-talkthatheals.But,thefirststeptomakingapositivechangeistorecognizethereisaproblemwithwhatyouaredoingnowandtocommitthatyouwantthisanxiousmindtostopcausingyoupain.Insteadyouwantpeaceandcalmtodealwiththechallengesoflife.Let’sgetstartedonthepathtopositive,powerfulself-talk.
PreparingfortheCalmerYou
Habits—bothgoodandbad—takeawhiletodevelop.Unfortunatelyyoumaynothavebeenconsciousaboutwhichhabitsarethebestonesforyou,sosome,suchasyournegativeself-talk,maybeself-defeating.Itwilltakeaconcertedeffortonyourparttoturntopositiveself-talkonaregularbasistogettothecalmeryou.Toprepareforyourjourney,takethefollowingsteps:
1. Makeacommitmenttoyourself.Repeatoverandoverthatthismatterstoyouandthisissomethingyouwanttodo.It’sagiftyouwillgiveyourself,sobesureyouarereadytoreceiveit.Positiveself-talkwillworkforyou,anditwillcalmyoubutonlyifyouarereadytoembraceit.Ifyouthinkitwillhelp,writeoutyourcommitmentandtapeittoyourrefrigerator,yourmirror,orsomewhereyou’llseeiteverydaytoremindyouofthejourneyonwhichyou’reembarking.
2. WhilereadingthiseBook,it’simportanttokeeptrackofyourthoughtsinajournalofsomekind.Considerbuyinganotebook,purchasinganappforyoursmartphonetokeepnotes,orsetupaWordorExceldocumentonyourcomputer.Youcanalsotakenotesusingyoure-readingdevice.Havesomethingavailabletorecordobservations,makenotesofpositiveself-talkyouwanttouse,andobservealongtheway.Don’tusethenotebookorspreadsheetforanythingelse.Thisisallaboutgettingyouontheroadtopositiveself-talk.
3. Getapackof3"×5"cards.You’lloftenbeaskedtowritethingsdown,sokeepthecardsinahandy,visibleplace.
4. Findorcreateasafeandcomfortableplaceyouareabletogotodosomeoftheexercises.Thiscouldbeaspacewithinaroominyourhouse,oritcouldbesomewhereelse;itdoesn’tmatteraslongasyoufeelcomfortableand
relaxedthere.Itneedstobesomewhereyouwon’tbeinterruptedbyphonecalls,family,oranyotherdistractions.Itneedn’tbelarge—justaplacetositandfocus.
5. Besuretokeepthisbookhandyatalltimes.Thisjourneywillinvolvemanyaspectsofyourlife,yourwork,yourrelationships,andyourday-to-dayactivities.Youwanttohavetheinformationreadyatyourfingertipswhenyouneedit.
Spendingafewminutespreparingwillgiveyouthetoolsyouneedatthereadyasyoubeginthisodysseytothecalmeryou.Let’sstartnow.
PartI
CHAPTER1
AnxietyandtheImportanceofSelf-Talk
Anxiety.Eventheworditselfmightmakeyoufeelanxious.Ifthestatisticsareaccurate,20–30percentofthepopulationsuffersfromsomeformofanxietyatsomepointinouradultlives.Atanypointintime,that’salmost20millionpeoplewalkingaroundfeelingillatease.Whilesomelevelofanxietyaboutlifecircumstancesisnormal,forsomepeopleitbecomesdebilitatingandcanturnintofull-blownfearordisorders.Forsuchpeople,thequalityoflifesuffersbecauseanxietydisruptstheireverydayenjoymentoflife,theabilitytobecontent,oreventheirpotentialforsuccess.Therearetwotypesofanxiety:theeverydayfeelingofworryoruneasiness,andphobiasorothersimilarconditions.Inthischapter,we’lltalkaboutbothofthesetypes.
Where’sItComingFrom?
Thebiggestproblemwithresolvinganxietyisthatoftenitishardtoidentifyacauseorevenwhyyoufeelanxious.Youcan’tpinpointit.It’sjustafeelingthatthingsaren’trightandyoudon’tfeelhappyorcontent.Variousnegativelifeexperiencesconvincemanypeopletheworldisn’tasafeplace.Thesecanbetraumaticeventsintheirchildhood,disappointmentstheyhaveencountered,orothertroublestheyhaveseen.Eventhoughthoseeventsareinthepast,theycanproduceongoinganxiousfeelingsinthepresent.Infact,somepeopleuseanxietyasacopingmechanismtoprotectthemselvesfromnegativeexperiences.Tobeconfidentandfeelgoodleadstofailure,sobettertofeelanxiousanduptightandbeprepared!Almosteveryonehassomebadexperiences,trauma,orletdownsintheirlives.
Almosteveryonehassomebadexperiences,trauma,orletdownsintheirlives.Thosewhohavemorethantheirfairsharemayconcludethatlifejustisn’tasafeplace.Theylivewithaconsistentsenseofdisappointment.Beforewetakeupthecureforthisanxiety,let’sunderstandabitmoreabout
whatitis.Wecanalsohelpyouidentifywhattypeofanxietyyousufferfrom.
The“Blahs”
Manypeoplesufferfromaneverydayformofanxietycommonlyreferredtoas“theblahs.”Thiscanbehardtorecognizebecauseoftenitisn’tconnectedtoaspecificeventorsituation.Insteaditisjustthere.
AnxietyandFearPeoplesometimesequateanxietywithfear,butthey’reactuallydifferent.Fearisaresponsetonegativestimuli:adangeroussituationyouareabouttoface,ortheworryyouarenotgoingtopassanupcomingimportanttest.Thereissomethinginparticularyoufeelfearfulabout.Fearisuseful,sinceitmotivatesyoutoaction—ifyouseeanoncomingcarbearingdownonyou,fearimpelsyoutojumpoutoftheway.
Everydayanxietyisthatfree-floatingfeelingthatsomethingiswrong.Youcan’treallyputyourfingeronit,buttheworld,yourlife,oryourfeelingsjustdon’tseemright.What’swrongwithme?youthink.WhyiseveryoneelsehappyandIfeelsoblah?Youmayfeelasif“somethingbadisgoingtohappen”orthatthereissomethingyoushouldbeworryingaboutwithoutknowingexactlywhatitis.You’rewaitingfortheothershoetodropwhenthefirstonehasn’tevendroppedyet!Ifyousufferfromeverydayanxietyyoumayrarelyexperiencejoy.Lifejust
doesn’tseemfunbecausethereissomethingalwaysnaggingatthebackofyourmind.Evenwhenthingsarenotovertlybad,thereisalingeringsensethatthe
mind.Evenwhenthingsarenotovertlybad,thereisalingeringsensethattheworldjustisn’tright.Everydayanxietycanstealyourmentalhealth,youremotionalconfidence,andyourphysicalwell-being.Itcancausesleeplessness,lackofappetite,overeating,low-gradedepression,andavarietyofphysicalailmentssuchasupsetstomach,headaches,ornervoustics.
ACommonExperienceManypeoplesufferanxietyinsilence.Theyareembarrassedtoadmithowafraidtheyfeel,orhowmuchtheyworry.Theexperienceofanxietyismorecommonthanwemaythink.AccordingtotheNationalInstituteofMentalHealth(NIMH),approximately40millionAmericanadultsagedeighteenandolder,orabout18.1percentofpeopleinthisagegroup,inagivenyear,haveananxietydisorder.
DiagnosedAnxietyDisorders
Inadditiontoeverydayanxiety,thereareanumberofdiagnosedanxietydisorders.Thesedisordersareamoreseriousformofanxietythatoftenrequiremedicaltreatment.Thesixmostcommonlydiagnosedanxietydisordersare:
PanicDisorder.Characterizedbyasudden,unreasoningfeelingofterror,oftenaccompaniedbychestpains,tighteningorconstrictingofthethroat,palpitations,andprofusesweating.Althoughtheterrorisreal,asarethephysicalconsequences,theeventisnot.Obsessive-CompulsiveDisorder(OCD).PeoplewithOCDengageincompulsiverituals,fearfulsomethingterriblewillhappeniftheydonot.Theyobsessoversomethinganddevelopcompulsivebehaviorinaneffortto“cure”theobsession.
PosttraumaticStressDisorder(PTSD).Itismostcommonlyassociatedwithmilitarypersonnelreturningfromwarbutappliestoanyonewhohasanxietyresultingfromaterrifyingrealevent.SocialAnxietyDisorder.Thisdisorderafflictspeoplewhoareanxiousinthepresenceofalotofpeople.Thiscanincludeeverythingfromgoingtothesupermarketorthetrainstationtobeingatapartywithfriendsorinaworkenvironment.Phobias.Thesearefearsandanxiousfeelings,resultingfromparticularthingsorsituations.Evenareminderoftheobjectoffearcancauseanxiety:Someonewithafearofflying,forexample,maynotbeabletolookatapictureofanairplane.GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder.Thisisnonspecificanxietythatbecomessoexaggeratedandsopervasivethatexcessiveworry,tension,fear,anddreadarethenorm.Physicalsymptomscanincludeheadaches,backaches,nausea,irritablebowelsyndrome,andtemporomandibularjointdisorder(jawpainthatoftencomesaboutfromexcessivegrittingorgrindingofteeth).
StoppingtheAnxiousCycleAnxietyisnotaconditiontobe“cured,”butitcanberecognized,managed,anddealtwithmoreeffectively.Thefirststep,asinanybehavioralchange,isrecognizingthatanxietyvisitsyouandhowitappears.Onlythencanyoubegintoheaditoffandturnyourattentiontomorepositive,productiveideas.
SeeingAnxietyinAction
Inordertounderstandhowanxietyaffectsyouandfindapathtoovercomingit,it’simportanttoseeitinaction.Justasyouwouldn’tallowafriendwhoconstantlyupsetsyoutostaywithyouindefinitely,youmustfindawaytokeepanxietyatadistance.
anxietyatadistance.Theproblemisthatanxietyisstealthy.Wedon’tsaytoourselves,“How
anxiouscanIgettoday?I’mhopingtobreakmyall-timeanxiousrecordandhavethisbemymostdifficultdayyet!”Peoplewhodealwithanxietyfinditloominginthebackground(andsometimestheforefront)oftheirdailylife.Somepeopleacceptitasafactoflife.Theybelieveeveryoneworriesallthetime.Emotionally,you’llfindthatanxietyleadstodepressionoroutburstsofanger.
Itcanmakeyouunabletoconcentrateortodosimpletaskswell,oritcancloudyourviewsothatyoudon’tseethingsclearly.Physically,itwillgiveyousymptomsrangingfromstomachachesandheadachestoacidreflux.Bythesametoken,though,onceyoustarttoturnyourself-talkaroundand
pushanxietyaway,you’llfindthatthesesymptomsdisappear.You’llbementally,emotionally,andphysicallyhealthier,andthechangewillbeobvioustothosewithwhomyouinteract.Insofarasmanyrealillnessesarisebecauseofanxietyanditspartner,stress,dealingwithanxietywillmakeyoulesssubjecttomaladies.
LocatingtheSourceofYourAnxiety
Howcanyoustarttoturnthingsaround?Thefirststepistorecognizethatyou’reanxious.Thesecondstepistopinpointthesiteofthatanxiety.Foreachpersonit’sdifferent,buttherearesomegeneralplacesfromwhichanxietycanderive,andsomecommonthingscansetitintomotion.
Fearsoftendevelopasaresultofsomereal-lifeorimaginedexperience.Fearsuncheckedcanturnintophobias,whichcanbeverydebilitating.Whilefeararisesinreactiontosomething—forexample,youareafraidoffailinganimportanttestyouneedtopasstokeepyourjob—phobiascan
preventyoufromevenconfrontingthesourceofyourfear.Ifyouhaveaphobiaabouttakingtests,youprobablycan’tevenwalkintothetestroom.Thefirstpositivestephereistorecognizethesourceofyourfear.Stressisoftenanormalreactiontotheeverydayexperiencesoflife.Theworldthrowsoutdifficultthingstodealwithonaregularbasis.Stress,likefear,hasitsplace.Itcanbeacatalysttospuryouon.Itcangiveyoutheenergyandideasyouneedtocopeeffectivelywithlifecircumstances.Herepositiveself-talkplaysanessentialroleinturningbadstressintocreativestress.Youmustrecognizewhetherthestressyoufeelisempoweringorenfeeblingyou.Yourpastlifeexperiencescancontributetoanxiousstates.Youmighthavegrownupinanunsafeenvironmentorhaveexperiencedtraumaatayoungage.Thepastcanleadtodifficultyprimarilyifyouletitdominateyourpresent.Here,too,yourself-talkmustbeginbyunderstandingwhatpartofyourpastiscausinganxietyinthepresent.
NegativeSelf-Talk
Anxietycanbetheresultofactualevents(forexample,you’reanxiousbecauseyou’rebehindonyourbills),oritcanbebecauseoffaultythinking(youtellyourselfyou’reirresponsibleandwillinevitablygetbehindwithyourbills,evenifyouhaven’tuptothispoint).Negativeself-talkworksonbothtypesofanxiety,butit’smostperniciousinthesecondkind:Apersonhasexperiencedaneventoranticipatesaneventandtalksnegativelytoherselfabouttheevent.Theresult:theeventbecomesworse.Self-talk—thethingsyousaytoyourselfandthe“tapes”ofconversationsorthoughtsyouplayinyourhead—isoftenthedifferencebetweenwhetheranxietywilldiminishorwillcontinuetogrowindifficulty.Inthenextchapter,we’llconsiderself-talkinmoredetailanddiscoverhowit
cangofrombeinganenemytobecomingavaluedfriend.
CHAPTER2
Self-TalkandYou
Whenyouwalkedoutyourfrontdoorthismorning,youengagedinself-talk.Mentally,probablywithouteventhinkingaboutit,youaskedyourselfsomequestions:
“DoIhavemykeys?”“Whichcornerdoesthebusstopon,wasitthisoneorthatone?”“HowmuchmoneydoIneedforthebusandforlunchtoday?”
Alongwiththesequestions,youprobablyaskedsomethatareconcernedwithlonger-rangeissues,suchas,“DoIhaveenoughmoneyinmysavingsaccounttotakethattriptoFlorida?”Youprobablyalsoremindedyourselfofwhatyouneedtodotodayandmadesomerandomobservationsaboutyourlifeandthepeopleinit:
“IneedtogetthatinsuranceforminbyFriday.IwillputitsomewheresoIremembertosenditontime.”“Ican’tgointothatjobinterviewnow.IhaveabadcoldandIwon’tbeconfident.”“Myparentsaresuchjerks—everyoneelsecangooutlateonFridaynightexceptme.Ihatemylife.”
Theconstantvoicechattersawaytoyoualldaylong,givingyoutheplay-by-playonyourlife.
TheEnemy:NegativeSelf-Talk
TheEnemy:NegativeSelf-Talk
Therealproblemcomeswhenyourself-talkstealsopportunitiesfromyouorpushesyoutowardactionsthataren’tgoodforyou.Thisiswhenyoufindyourselfengaginginself-defeatingbehaviorsuchaslashingoutatsomeoneinanger,orjustupset,depressed,andlackingconfidence.Theself-talkwearsyoudownandtellsyouhowbadthingsare.Afterlisteningtoitoverandoveragain,youstarttobelieveit.Self-talkcanbecomesofamiliartoyouthatyoudon’tevennoticeitsexistence.Youmaynotthinkofitastalkingtoyourself,youmayjustthinkofitasnotingwhat’sgoingonaroundyou.Whilenegativeself-talkisaconstantvisitorformany,it’snotyourfriend.Itisn’thelpingyouinanyway.That’sthebadnews.Thegoodnewsisyoucanchangeyourself-talk.It’snot
setinstoneandimmutable.Self-talk—positiveself-talk—canbeavaluedallyinthefightagainstanxiety.Toturnnegativeintopositive,though,youhavetolistentowhatyousaytoyourselfwhenthingsaren’tgoingwell.Whatthoughtsdoyouhavewhenyouencounteradifficultsituation?Begintobringtheself-talkintothelightsoyoucanseeitandworkwithitmoreeffectively.Forexample,maybeyouarestrugglinginyourjob.Yournegativeself-talk
scriptrunssomethinglike,“Iwillneverbeabletopleasethisboss.NomatterhowhardIwork,hedoesn’tappreciateme.”Orperhapsitispersonalrelationshipswhereyouencounternegativity.“HowdidIeverdecidetomarrythisperson?”yousaytoyourself.“Ican’tstandher.Sheisn’tevenmytype.Ihatesittingdownatthedinnertableeverynightwithher.Whydidn’tImarrymyhighschoolsweetheartinstead?Wewouldbesohappynow.”Thisisthewaythatnegativeself-talktakesover.Butimaginewhatitwould
belikeifyouturnedthisaround.Ifyousaidtoyourself,“Wow!I’msoluckyI’mmarriedtoawonderfulspouse!Ivalueourtimetogether.It’struethatwehavesomedifferences,butwecanworkonthem,andcomparedtothebenefitsIgetfromthismarriageemotionallyandineveryotherway,that’sasmallpricetopay.”You’dfeelasurgeofgoodfeelingeverytimeyousawyourspouse.Itwouldbeenjoyabletospendtimeinherorhiscompany.That’swhatcanhappen
wouldbeenjoyabletospendtimeinherorhiscompany.That’swhatcanhappenwhenpositiveself-talktakesover.
NothingNewReadingsomeofthesenegativelines,youmightbewonderinghowIknowwhat’sgoingoninyourlifeandinyourmind.ThetruthisthatI’mnotclairvoyant—negativeself-talkisn’tthatcreative!Differentpeopleinsimilarsituationsoftentalktothemselvesinthesameway.
Negativeself-talkcanevenoccurwhenthingsaregoingrightforyou.Itplayswithinsidiousskillonyourfearoffailure:“It’stoogoodrightnow.I’mdueforsomethingbadtohappen.”
HowImportantIsYourSelf-Talk?
Whatyousaytoyourself,thewordsyouplayinyourhead,isoftenthedifferencebetweenahealthyandanunhealthylife.Thinkofnegativeself-talkassomethingthathelpsanxietyfueltheemotionalflames,whilepositiveself-talkisabucketofwateryoucanthrowonittodousethefire.Thekeyliesinidentifyingyourhabitsinrelationshiptoyourself-talk,recognizingwhatyourself-talksaystoyouandwhy,andunderstandingitsimpact.Whenyourecognizethesecomponents,youwillgetaclearerunderstandingofhowself-talkcanhelpyou.Becauseyouhaveprobablylivedwithitforsolong,andinsomanydifferent
venues,youmaynotrealizewhenitsneaksupandbeginstalkingtoyou.Inmostcases,itisonlyafteryounoticethatyoufeelbadly,areangry,oraredepressedthatyouevennoticethevoicesaretellingyounegativethings.
WhoIsThatTalkingtoYou?Thevoicestellingyouwhat’sreal,howtothink,andwhattodonextcomefrommanyplaces.Youmightrecognizewordsyoulearnedfromyourmother,father,
manyplaces.Youmightrecognizewordsyoulearnedfromyourmother,father,oranoldersibling.Youmighthearthevoiceofareporteronthenews,ateacherfromyourpast,oradifficultboss.Manytimesthevoicesareanamalgamofpeopleyouhaveheardfromthroughoutyourlife.
CASESTUDY
Let’slookatanexampleofnegativeself-talkthatcomesfromthepastbuthasapowerfulimpactonthepresent.Andrewisasuccessfulentrepreneur,managingasmallconsulting
businessthatemploystenpeopleandisrapidlygrowing.Heworkshardandtriestomaketimeforhisfamily,butsomehowworkalwaysseemstocomefirst.Evenontheweekendsandonfamilyvacations,he’sneverfarawayfromhiscellphoneandhislaptop.Thishasalreadyputastrainonhisfamilylife,butmatterscametoaheadrecentlywhenhemissedhisdaughter’sdancerecitalbecausehefelthehadtoworklateattheoffice.Hecamehometoanangryspouseandachildintears.Andrewknowshe’sgotaproblemwithworkingtoomuch.He’seven
triedtodosomethingaboutit,delegatingmoreworktohisemployeesandeven,atonepoint,consultingatherapist.Butnowit’sgettingveryseriousandthreateninghisfamily.WhatAndrewmaynotknowisthathisdifficultyisrootedinself-talk,
whichinturnhasitsoriginsinhischildhood.Hisfather,whostruggledtomakeendsmeetwhenAndrewwasgrowingup,wasasterntaskmaster.HeberatedAndrewfrequentlyforbeing“lazy,”“aslacker,”andfor“lyingaboutandexpectingtheworldtogiveyoualiving.”TheresultisthatalwaysinAndrew’smindthere’sthevoiceofhis
father,hectoringhim,pushinghimtoworkmore,andtellinghimthatif
father,hectoringhim,pushinghimtoworkmore,andtellinghimthatifhedoesn’t,he’llbeafailure.Successonlycomesfromhardwork.Nobodyowesyouanything.You’vegottostruggleforeverythingyouget,andnothingcomesbeforethat.Ofcourse,there’ssometruthbehindthesesentiments,butthisself-
talkhaspushedAndrew’slifeseriouslyoutofbalance.Evenwhenhe’sdrivinghomefromworkintheevening,hisnegativeself-talkiswhisperingtohimthatheshouldn’thavelefttheofficewithtasksyetundone.Theresultisthatalthoughheknowsintellectuallythatheshouldmakemoretimeforhisfamily,emotionallyhe’sstilltiedtohisfather’svoice.FortunatelyforAndrew,histherapistknowsthepowerofself-talk,
bothnegativeandpositive.SheleadsAndrewthroughadiscussionofhischildhood,allowinghimtoexpresshisfeelingsabouthisfatherandcometotermswiththem.Sheexplainstohimtheimportanceoffindingpositiveself-talkalongtheselines:“Iamnotmyfather.I’mme.I’msuccessfulandIhavegoodemployeeswhowilldotheirjobsandhelpensurethesuccessofmybusiness.ThewholepointofmakingmoneyandachievingfinancialsecurityistoallowmetospendtimewiththepeopleIlove.SowhenIgohomeatnight,I’mnotrunningawayfromwork;I’mgoingbacktomyfamily—themostimportantpartofmylife.”Byrepeatingthesewordstohimself,Andrewisable,gradually,to
quiethisfather’svoiceandfindabetter,healthierwork-lifebalance.
WhatDoYouSayWhen...
Inthischapteryouwillidentifytheprimaryareasofyournegativeself-talk.Youmayfindthattheychangeovertime—yourjobmaybegoingwellrightnowbut
personalrelationshipsaremoreofanissueforyou.Oryou’vejustbeenfiredfromyourjob,butyourfamilyissupportive.IfIaskedyouifyouliketalkingtoyourselfaboutthingsthatmakeyoufeel
badly,mostlikelyyouwouldanswer,“No.”That’sunderstandable:Mostpeopledon’tenjoybeingscoldedortalkeddownto,andfewpeoplethriveinenvironmentswheretheyareconsistentlyremindedofhowterriblethingsare!Youprobablydon’twanttoexperiencethenegativitythatconsumesyourmind,but—andthisisaveryimportantpoint—youmaynotrealizeit’sthere.Itmaybesofamiliarthatitfeelsnecessaryandwelcome.Wementionedearlierthatself-talkisstealthy.Oneminuteyou’refeeling
optimisticandexcitedaboutyourday,andthenextyou’refilledwithdreadandanxietyaboutwhatyouaregoingtoface.Oroneminuteyoumaybeabitdepressed,andthenextminuteyoufindyourselfyellingatyourchildorscreamingobscenitiesatthedriverwhoedgedinfrontofyouintraffic.Thetransitionissosneakythatyoudon’trealizeyou’veletnegativeself-talktakeover.That’swheretheassessmentsinthischaptercomein.
AssessingYourNegativeSelf-Talk
Rightnowyoumightbesaying,“I’manxious,butIdon’ttalktomyselfaboutit.That’swhatcrazypeopledo.”Mostpeopledon’twalkaroundthinkingaboutthevoicesintheirhead.Andyet,weknowtheyarethere.Thefirstimportantstepontheroadwe’lltaketogetherisuncoveringthesourceofyournegativeself-talk.Youwanttoseewhereitcomesfromandlearnwhatthosevoicessaytoyou.Thisexercisewillhelpyoulocatesomesourcesofyournegativeself-talkandseehowtheyvisityou.Completethissectionwhenyouhavesometimetositquietlyandanswerthe
questions.Youwillneedtimetothink,andthenyouwillneedtobeawareofwhatyouaredoingeachday,inordertocaptureenoughinformationtowork
whatyouaredoingeachday,inordertocaptureenoughinformationtoworkwithasyoucompletethisbook.Reviewthefollowinglistoftwentylifeexperiences.Inyourjournal,ratehow
anxiouseachofthefollowingmakesyou,ingeneral.Useascaleof1–10.1represents“Notatallanxiousaboutthis”;10represents“Extremelyanxiousandagitatedaboutthis.”
1. Everydayevents,suchasgettingstuckintrafficorburningthetoast2. Myworksituation3. Myboss4. Myfamilyoforigin(mom,dad,siblings,stepfamily)5. Myspouseorsignificantother6. Mychildorchildren7. Myhomelife8. Mycurrentlevelofmentalhealth9. Mycurrentlevelofphysicalhealth10. Thinkingaboutmyhealthinthefuture11. Myfinancialsituation12. Mylivingsituation13. Caringforothersinmylife14. ThelistofthingsIhavetodo15. CommitmentsIhavemade,orsomeonewillexpectmetomake16. Externaleventssuchastheeconomy17. Externaleventssuchasenvironmentalorsocialconditions18. Whatmighthappentomorrow19. Thinkingaboutmypersonalfuture20. Whathappenedalready—today,yesterday,orinthepast21. Regretsaboutmypast,orthingsIhavedone22. GuiltoverhowIlivemylifenow
23. Myfeelingsof“self”andself-worth
Nowreviewthelist.Circlethosethingsforwhichyouchosea6orgreaterto
describeyouranxiousreaction.Inyourjournal,copytheworksheetexamplebelowandidentifythefirstthing
thatcomestomindwhenyoureadtheline.Forexample,ifyouchosean8on“CommitmentsIhavemade,orsomeonewillexpectmetomake,”youmightwrite,“Toomanypeoplewantsomethingfromme.IhavenotimetodoeverythingI’mexpectedtodo.”Or,ifyouchose“Myfamilyoforigin”asa9or10onthescale,youmightwrite,“Anyonewhogrewupwithtwoalcoholicparentswouldchecka9or10onthisscale.Isn’titobvioushowanxiety-inducingthathasbeenforme?”Yourmindtellsyousomethingrelatedtothesubjectthatyoucircled.When
youcircledanumberhigherthan5,youthought,“Yes,thisisanxiety-inducingforme.”Whatyouwriteaboutwhatyouthink,feel,orsaytoyourselfaboutthissubjectisimportant.Nowgobackandrereadwhatyouhavewritten.Thesesubjects,andwhatyou
saytoyourselfaboutthem,willgiveyousomecluesabouthownegativeself-talkcreepsintoyourthoughtpatterns.
CardAssessment
Asanadditionalexercise,writethesubjectsfromthelistoftwentyitemsintheexerciseaboveonseparate3"×5"indexcardsorasmallsheetofpaperyoucankeepnearbyasyougothroughyourday.Youmighthaveanindexcardthatsays“Myfamilyoforigin”atthetopofit.Asyouencountersituationsorthoughtsaboutthesubject,writedownthenegativeself-talkyoufindyourselfusing.Beasspecificasyoucan.Ifyoudothisonaregularbasis,sayfortwoorthreeweeks,youshouldhaveafilledindexcardthathasanumberofnegativestatementsyoumaketoyourselfaboutthesubject.Ifyoufillonecardorsheetof
statementsyoumaketoyourselfaboutthesubject.Ifyoufillonecardorsheetofpaper,takeanotherone.Keepaddingtoituntilyoucangetaclearerandclearerviewofexactlywhatyousayinreactiontothesubjectorsituation.Rememberthatawarenessisanimportantfirststep.Beforeyoucanimplementnewideastousepositiveself-talk,youmustbeawareofthesneakynegativeself-talkthatcomesinandstealsfromyou.Keepthesecardsnearbyasyoucontinuewithexercisesinthebook.Knowing
exactlyhowyoureactandthenegativeself-talkyouuseallowsyoutobecomebetteratrecognizingitanddealingwithitmorepositivelyandeffectively.
AnxietyandItsImpact
Nowthatwehavesomeideaofyourmajorsourcesofanxiety,it’stimetolookathowyoureacttothemandattheresultingnegativeself-talk’simpactonyou.Learninghownegativeself-talkimpactsyouislikehavinganearlywarningsystem.Ifyouknowatornadoiscoming,youwillseekcoverorgosomewheresafe.Similarly,youwanttoturnonyourpositiveself-talktoprotectyouandkeepyouconfident.Thisnextsectionwillrequireyoutotaketimetoobserveyourreactionsand
actionswithregardtostressfulsituations.It’simportantforyoutorecognizehoweventsunfoldforyou.Youcanalwayslearnfromtalkingtoothersabouttheiranxieties,butinordertomakechangehappen,youmustknowyourownimpacts.
GetSpecificIt’spossiblethatyouaren’tcurrentlyexperiencinganxietyandfeelthingsare“okay.”WhileIrecommendyoucontinuereading,youshouldkeepthebookhandyandpickitupwhenyouareanxiousaboutsomethingsoyoucanrecordthedata.You’lllearnlotsofthingsfromthisbook,butthemostusefuloneswillbethemostspecifictoyou.Mostpeopledon’ttakechargeoftheirlivesbecause
theyaren’texactlysurewhattodo.Bythetimeanxietyhastakenover,theirmindisfraughtwithworryandnegativeself-talk—arunawaytrainthatnoonecanstop.Youwanttopulltheleverstostopthattrainlongbeforeitgetstoafinalcrash.
Thinkabouthowanxietyimpactsyou.Forexample,ifyousayyougetheadacheswhenyou’restressed,dotheymakeithardforyoutofunctionthroughyourday?Istheeffectcumulative?Youmissworkbecausetheheadachesarebadbutthenthelostsickdaycreatesmorestressandmoreheadaches.Inthisassessmentyou’regoingtoidentifyhowthenegativeself-talk,or
anxiousreactiontoconditionsinyourlife,manifests.Learningaboutimpacthelpstoidentifywhatarecommonlycalledtriggers,whichwe’lldiscusslaterinthischapter.Anxietyhasadirectimpactonyou.Itcanbeemotional(worry,faulty
thinking,lackofconfidence,lackofenjoymentoflife)orphysical(stomachache,sweatypalms,orstressedmusclesandheadaches).Whateverthesymptoms,thereissomeimpact.It’simportanttounderstandhowanxietyimpactsyousothatyoucanuseyourmindandbodytoalertyoutoitsonset.Onceyoulearntodecodeanxiety’seffectonyou,youcanoftengobackandlocateitssource.Onceyoulocatethesource,youcanchangeyourself-talk.Reviewthelistofthosethingsthatyouconsidertobemostanxiety-inducing
foryou.Howdoyoureactinthesesituations?Dotheymakeyoufeeldepressed?Doyouyellatsomeone?Doyougrityourteethandfume?Doyoufeelunabletogetoutofbedinthemorningwhenyouhavetodealwiththesituation?Doyougetanupsetstomach?Inyourjournal,copytheworksheetbelowandlistthesituationsthatinduce
themostanxietyforyou.“Myfamilyoforigin”mightbeone.Nexttoit,identifyanyimpactyouareawareofthatanxietyaboutthissubjecthasonyou.Youmightsaytoyourself,“Theyjustmakemecrazy!”Butwhatdoyoudoasa
mightsaytoyourself,“Theyjustmakemecrazy!”Butwhatdoyoudoasaresult?Doyoubangafistagainstthewall?Yell?Doyourepressyouremotionsandasaresultfeelsicktoyourstomach?Doyougetclammyhandsoranervoustic?
StartwiththeImpact
Areyounotexactlysurehowtheimpactrelatestothesituation?Ifthisisthecase,goattheexerciseabitdifferently.Startbyidentifyingyournegativeresponsesandthentrytoconnectthembacktoanxioussituations.First,identifyanegativefeelingyouhave—mental,physical,oremotional
andrecorditinyourjournal.Next,identifywhenyouexperiencethisnegativefeeling.Isitallofthetime?
Isitinreactiontosomething?Isitinthemorningasyouthinkaboutyourday?Isitwhenyourmothercalls?Identifyanyassociationsyoucanmakewithitandlistthoseinyourjournalaswell.Repeatthisexercisewithasmanyphysical,emotional,andmentalsymptoms
asyoucanidentify.
BacktotheCards
Ifyouarehavingahardtimeconnectinganythingclearlyenoughtowriteitnow,that’sokay.Takethe3"×5"cardsyouusedinthepreviousexerciseandmakenotesoftheimpactyouexperienceinthesituation.Don’tjustwritethenegativeself-talk;includeanyandallsensationsorexperiencesrelatedtotheanxioussituation.So,forexample,ifyoufindyourselfgettinguptightintraffic(aneverydayeventyoumighthavenotedasanxietyarousing),writethenegativeself-talkbutalsocapturehowyouphysicallyormentallyreact.Doyougripthesteeringwheeltightly?Doyoufeelapoundingbehindyourtemples?Doesyourstomachchurnandburn?Don’twritewhileyouaredriving,ofcourse,butmakeamentalnoteandcapturethesesymptomswhenyoucan.
WhatSituationsStressYou?
Anotherwaytoidentifyimpactistoexaminesituationsthatbotheryouorwhereyouhavehadanegativereactioninthepast.Reviewthisnextlistandseeifanyofthesecommonsituationsresonatewithyou.Writesomeideasdowninyourjournal.Themoredatayoucangather,themoreyouwillseethemesorcommonideasthatareanxiety-inducingforyou.
1. Mybiggestareaofdisappointmentinlifeis2. Thethingthatfrustratesmethemostis3. Ireallyhateitwhen4. Igetsostressedoutwhen5. Thingsthat“bugme”include6. Igetirritatedby7. IwouldbehappyinlifeifonlyIdidn’t8. Peoplereallyannoymewhenthey9. It’snotfairthatI10. Reviewthislistandcheckitagainstthelistinwhichyouratedthingsthat
werethemostanxietyarousingforyou.Aretherethemes?Arethereareasyouspecificallywanttotargetnow?Writeanythoughtsyouhavenowinyourjournal.
ObjectivityIsImportant!Whenyoustarttounderstandyourresponsesandreactions,don’ttakeitasanopportunitytobeatuponyourselforengageinnegativeself-talk.Instead,approachthisasascientist.Whenyouarefirsttryingtolearnandassess,you’renotmakingjudgments;youaresimplygatheringdata.Youwillunderstandhowtousethisinformationlater.Fornow,seekthefacts.Understandthesituationsandtheimpact.Bewillingtolearn.
TheLittleEngineofSelf-Talk
TheLittleEngineofSelf-Talk
Asmadeclearearlier,whilenegativeself-talkishighlydestructive,positiveself-talkisthesolutiontoyouranxiety.Itspursyouon.Itremindsyouofthestrengthsyouhave,anditcanbuildyourconfidencetodowhatyouneedtodo.ThinkofthefamousstoryabouttheLittleEngineThatCould.“IthinkIcan,I
thinkIcan,IthinkIcan,”theenginepuffstoitself.Itself-talksitswaytothetopofamountain,haulingalongtrainfullofcircusanimals.Self-talkisagoodfriend,remindingyouofyourstrengthsandyourpastsuccesses.Whenyouuseself-talkinapositiveway,itgivesyouamuch-neededboost.Changingfromnegativetopositiveself-talkdoesn’talteranyfactsaboutyour
situation.Whatitchangesisyourattitude,givingyoumorepowertodealwiththings.Havingapositivementalattitudeandbelievinginyourselfandyourabilitytoovercomeobstacleswilloftenmakethedifferenceinwhetheryoucanachieveyourgoalornot.Manystudiesshowthatwhenyou’reill,apositivemindsetcanleadtoaremissionofthedisease.Ataminimum,engaginginpositiveself-talkwillhelpyouframethesituationinyourlifeabitmorepositively.Theeventsyou’reconfrontingarejustthat—objectivesituations.It’stheinterpretation,orthelensthroughwhichthoseeventsarefiltered,that’scausingyoudistress.
TalkingaDifferentTalk
Thekeytochangingyourself-talkfromnegativetopositiveisrecognizingwhereyourself-talkstartsandwhatitsaystoyou.Fromthereyoucanunderstandtheimpactofyourself-talk.Withoutthis,youcan’tmakechoicesabouthowtohandleit.Inthischapter,you’vetakenalargesteptowarddoingthisbycompletingtheassessmentsandevaluatingwhatsortofsituationstriggeryourself-talk.Inthenextchapter,youwilllocatethesourcesofyourself-talkandcomplete
Inthenextchapter,youwilllocatethesourcesofyourself-talkandcompleteanassessmenttofurtherclarifyyourtriggersandreactions.Butfirstlet’slookathowself-talkbecomesyour“truth.”
AnEverydayEvent:HowSelf-TalkUnfolds
Mostpeopledon’tenjoybeingscoldedortalkeddownto,andfewpeoplethriveinenvironmentswheretheyareconsistentlyremindedofhowterriblethingsare.Youprobablydon’twanttoexperiencenegativity.Theproblemisthatunbeknownsttoyouandunplanned,yourmindstartstoniggleatsomethingandyoubecomeagitatedandupset.Possiblysomeonesayssomethingirritating,triggeringareaction.Thetransitionissosneakythatyoudon’trealizeyouhavemovedfrompositiveself-talktonegativeself-talk.Let’slookatashortexampleofthis.
IsaNoteJustaNote?
ImagineitisaWednesdayandyou’regettingreadytogotowork.Youfeelenergized;youhavehadagoodnight’ssleep;andyouhavetimetostopforanicecupofcoffee.Asyouareputtingyourcoatonthehookandbootingyourcomputer,younoticethatyourbosshasleftanoteonyourdesksayingshewantstotalkwithyouassoonasyouhaveachance.Let’slookatthisobjectively:Itisanoteonyourdesk,writtenbyyourboss,
askingforachancetotalk.Thereisnothinggood,orbad,aboutthesituation.It’ssimplyanoteonthedesk.However,yourself-talkkicksinandinterpretsthesituation.Anoteisno
longerjustanote.Ifyouhavehadanegativeencounterwithyourbossoryougenerallybelievethattheworkplaceisnotfriendly,thenoteisa“warning”fromyourbossora“summons”toheroffice.Youranxietylevelstartstorise.Viewingthenotethroughthelensofyourpastexperiences,youmightsayto
Viewingthenotethroughthelensofyourpastexperiences,youmightsaytoyourself,“Ohno—Ihatewhensheleavesnoteslikethis.It’salwaysanomenthatthereissomenewprojectshewantsmetotakeonthatIdon’twanttodo.Ihaven’tevenfinishedtheprojectIamworkingonnow—whataslavedriversheis.”Ofcourse,atthisstageyouhavenotevenrespondedtotheboss’snote,and
yetyouhavehadawholeexperiencewithit.Thinkaboutthat.Nothinghashappened!Youwalkedinandsawthenote.Butinternallyyou’vetoldyourselfawholestoryaboutthemeaningofthenote.Thepracticalupshotisthatwhenyouwalkintotheboss’soffice,you’llprobablyhavesomeattitude.Afterall,you“know”whatthebosswillsaytoyou,soyouactonitbeforeyouevenhavetheconversation.Ofcoursetheoppositecouldhappen,too.Ifyourexperienceswithyourboss
havegenerallybeenpositive,you’llseethenoteandthink:“Sheissuchasweetheart.Iknowshewantstorecognizemeformycurrentproject.Ihavebeenworkingsohardonthisandamfeelingsogoodaboutcrossingthefinishlineandgettingitdone.Sheprobablywantstogivemeherkudosandcongratulatemeonajobwelldone.SheisthebestbossIhaveeverhad.Iamgoingtogetovertoherofficerightawayandseewhat’sgoingon.”Yourpositiveself-talkmightputyouinaconfidentmood.Youareeagerto
speaktoherandwalkintoherofficereadyforheraccolades.Yourattitudetellsyou,“ThiswasjustasignofhowrightIwasthatthiswasgoingtobeagoodday.IknewIfeltgoodwhenIwokeupthismorning!”
TheViewerasInterpreter
Now,stopforaminuteandconsiderbothofthesesituations.Theobjectivesituationisstillthere—youwalkedintotheofficeandtookyourcoatoff.Thenyoureadanote.Howdidthisbecomeaplaywithcharactersandactionandexpectations?Whathappened,ofcourse,isthatyoustartedtalkingtoyourselfaboutthenote.Youmadeupastoryaboutitandextendedthisstorytoinclude
yourworkenvironment.Whetherthestorywasgoodorbadprobablydependedheavilyonpastexperienceswithyourbossoryourattitudetowardbossesingeneral.Thisscenariocanhelpyouunderstandhowtwopeoplecanexperiencethe
sameeventandhavedifferingself-talkaboutit.Imagineacolleaguehappenstowalkintoyourcubicleorofficerightafteryoupickedupthenote.Yourself-talkhasalreadykickedin,forbetterorworse.Astorylineisunfoldinginyourmindaboutwhatwillhappenonceyougoseetheboss.Butnow,withanotherinterpreteronthescene,thingscanchange.Perhaps
yourcolleaguenoticesthenoteandhasaverydifferentreaction.Thoughyouthinkthebossisanogre,yourcoworkerfindshertobeawonderful,supportivehumanbeing.Youarestewingaboutthenoteandwhatyouwillencounteronceyouwalkthroughtheboss’sdoorway.Yourcolleagueistellingyou,“Whatdoyoumeanit’sabadomen?Ilovewhensheleavesmenoteslikethisone;itusuallymeansshewantstothankmeformyefforts!”Twopeopleseesomethingasinnocuousasanoteandhavedramatically
differentreactions.Ithappensallthetime.Weeachinterpretasituationwithourrelevantself-talk,whichisuniquetous.Ifinterpretationwerenotattherootofhowwetranslateandunderstandasituation,thenwewouldallseethingsthesameway.Thefactswouldbethefacts.
Self-TalkTellsYouWhat’sReal—ButIsIt?Self-talkiswhatyoutellyourselftointerprettheconditionsyouexperience.Butsometimesitcanseemasifself-talkitselfistheexperience.Peopletakefacts,data,andinformationandinterpretthem.Theproblemisthatnegativeself-talkemphasizesthingsthatcandeepenyouranxiety.Positiveself-talk,ontheotherhand,helpsgroundyouinreality.Learningtobemoreobjectiveisimportanttomanagingself-talk.
CHAPTER3
FindingYourTriggers
Haveyoueverbeenconvincedofsomethingwithoutevidence?You“justknew”thatyourfriendwantedsomethingfromyou.You“justknew”thatthebosshaditinforyou.You“justknew”thecheckoutpersonatthegrocerystoredislikedyourface.Then,whenyouhadthechancetolearnmoreaboutthesituation,youlearnedyoucouldnothavebeenmorewrong.Allhumanbeingssometimes“feelthingsinourbones.”Whatisthereasonwefeelthatway?
WhatPullsYourTrigger?
Whatyou’reseeingatworkarewhattherapistscall“triggers.”Triggersarethosethingsthatsetyouoff.Theyarethecatalystthatkicksyournegativeself-talkintogear.Inordertodisarmthem,youmustfirstlearnwhattheyare.Thinkofyourtriggerasamatch.Forthematchtolight,youmustscratchiton
asurfaceorholdittoaflame.Ifyouholdthematchupanddonothingelse,nothingwillhappen.Inthesameway,yournegativeself-talkistriggeredwhenyou’rescratchedagainstsomething.Somehowyourmindcomesincontactwithaneventorconditionthatcausesitdistress.Thistriggerssomethinginsideofyou—likethematchstrikingtherightsurface—thatignitesyournegativeself-talk.Butjustasyoucanblowoutthematch,soyoucanextinguishyournegativeself-talkonceyourealizeit’sthere.Triggerscanbeanythingfromwordspeopleusethat“irritate”youto
someone’stoneofvoicetosomethingyouseethatyoudon’tlike.Theysetthenegativeself-talkcycleinmotion.
ThirteenTriggers
Let’slookatashortlistofthirteenlifecircumstancesthatcanbetremendouslyanxiety-inducinginmostpeople.Ifthesecircumstancesareamongyourtriggers(andthere’sagoodchancethatatleastoneofthemis),theresultingnegativeself-talklimitsyourabilitytothinkclearly,tobecreative,andtoproblemsolve.Youmaybecomestumpedabouthowtogetthroughthesituationordealwithitmoreeffectively.Reviewthislistandseewhetheryouconnecttoanythingherein.Asyoureadeachone,stopforamomentandthinkaboutit.Doesthissituationresonatewithyou?Doyouhaveanegative,anxiety-basedreactiontoit?Ifso,trackyourreactionsinyourjournalwhenyouexperiencesituationsthattriggeryou.Capturetheself-talkyoucurrentlyuseasyoureacttoit.Remember,awarenessisthefirststep—onceyouareaware,youcanmakechoicestoresponddifferentlynexttime.
1. Jobstressduetopeople—anunhappyboss,forexample,orcoworkerswhodon’trespondtoyouinatimelyfashion
2. Jobstressduetotheworkitself—suchastheproblemoftoomuchtodoandnotenoughtimetodoit
3. Problemswithpeople—aspousewithanaddiction,forinstance,oracombativefamilymember
4. Poorcommunicationwiththoseyoucareabout5. Unmetgoalsordreamsinyourlife6. Disruptions—financialwoes,sickness,lossofaspouse,havingtomoveto
anewlocation7. Physicalpainrelatedtoongoingmedicalconditionsorageneralfeelingof
malaise8. Discoverythataspouseorsignificantotherhasbeenunfaithfulorhaslied
toyou9. Brokenrelationshipswithparentsorchildren
10. Worriesaboutthefuture—collegefunding,forexample,orretirementorbeingalone
11. Generalfearssuchaspublicspeaking,flying,orsocialanxiety12. Dislikeofgovernment,whetherofficialsorpolicies13. Worriesabouttheworldingeneral
CASESTUDY
Let’sseehowthisbusinessoftriggersworksinpractice.Alicehasjuststartedworkatanewjobinabank.Shelefther
previousjobasadministrativeassistantbecauseherbosswasverballyabusive.Everyminorerrorshemadewasusedasanexcusetojerkherontothemanagerialcarpetforareprimand.Thebossmadecold,cuttingremarkstoheraboutherabilityandseemedtoenjoymakingherfeelsmall.Alicecamehomeeverynightandcollapsedonthesofaintears.Oftenhersleepwasinterruptedasshetossedandturnedworryingaboutthenextday.Alicewasrelievedtoleavethetoxicenvironmentandwaspleased
whenshewasofferedajobatthebank.Inaddition,itmadeforaneasiercommutethanherpreviousposition,andshewastoldthatitwaspossibletomoveuptootherpositionswithinthebank.Bestofall,herbossseemedkindandconsiderate.Thefourthdayonthejob,Alicegotashorte-mailfromherboss,
pointingoutasmallerrorinoneofhermemosandaskinghertoredoit.Beforeshecouldeventhinkabouttherequestfromherboss,shesatatherdesk,trembling,andthenhadtogointotherestroomfortenminutestocalmdown.Shefoundthatherhandswereshakingsobadlythatshehadtroubleadjustinghermakeup.
hadtroubleadjustinghermakeup.Whathappened?Afterall,itwasaveryminormatter—thesortof
thingthathappensmillionsoftimestomillionsofpeople.YettoAlice,initially,itwasanepicdisaster.Theansweristhatherboss’snotehitoneofAlice’striggers.Because
ofherexperiencewithherpreviousemployer,shewashighlysensitivetohavingherworkcriticized.Hernegativeself-talkkickedinimmediately:“See?Youcan’tdoanythingright.You’reincompetentatyourjob—youcan’tevenwriteasimplememowithoutmessingup.You’llprobablybeoutthedoorinaweek.Thebosswillseeyoucan’thackit.”Fortunately,Alicehadtakenthetimeandtroubletothinkaboutthe
wayinwhichherpreviousjobhadaffectedher.Sherecognizedthatthenotehadsetoffoneofhertriggersandthatheremotionalresponsetoitwasbothirrationalandpotentiallyself-destructive.So,withaneffort,sheturnedherself-talkaround.“Icanfixthisproblem.Afterall,I’mgoodatmyjob.Thisjustmeans
Ihavetobeextra-carefulwiththeworkIsubmittomyboss.ButI’mconfidentIcandothatandwinhertrust.Iamhappysheisaclearcommunicatorandtellsmewhatsheneedsandhowsheneedsitdone.Thiswillhelpmetobemoresuccessful.”Alicefolloweduponherpositiveself-talk,makingsuresheproofread
allhermemostwiceandtookhertimetoensuretheywerecarefullyprepared.Herbossnoticedandcomplimentedheronherattentiontodetail.Andwithinsixmonths,Alicemoveduptoahigherpositionwithinthecompany.
WordAssociationsandAssessment
Tofurtherunderstandthesourceofyourtriggersthatignitethenegativeself-
Tofurtherunderstandthesourceofyourtriggersthatignitethenegativeself-talk,let’splaysomewordassociation.Belowisalistofphrases.Readeachphraseandthinkaboutit.Inyourjournal,orusingthenotesfeatureonyoure-reader,writeawordthatcomestomindwhenyouhearthisphrase.Yourwordshoulddescribeanemotionoraresponsesetoffbytheword.So,forexample,nexttothephrase“Thecolorblue”youmightplacetheword“peaceful.”Ontheotherhand,ifyouhateblue,youmightwrite“unpleasant”or“ugly.”Don’toverthinkthisprocess.Therearenorightorwronganswers.This
exerciseissimplytoallowyourmindtoassociateideaswitheachoftheseareasandletthemcometothesurfacesoyoucanworkwiththemmoreeffectively.Besuretokeepyourresponsetoonlyoneortwowords.Thinkintermsofrapidresponseanswers.Thisisn’tawritingproject;it’sawaytogetyourgut,initialreactiononpapertodifferentscenariosinyourlife.Ready?Begin!
Job-RelatedWords
MybossMyjobMyemployerGoingonaninterviewPublicspeakingMyworkplaceCommunicationatmyworkplaceJobsatisfactionorfulfillment
PersonalRelationships
MyparentsMysiblingsMychildrenMyspouseorsignificantotherMygrandchildren
MyextendedfamilyMyfriendsMysociallife
LifeCircumstancesandLifeChange
MycurrentstateinlifeAchievingmygoalsMylevelofhappinessMyhealthThehealthofmyfamily
Stressors,Worries,andFears
MyabilitytomanagestressTimemanagementTakingcareofmyselfMyrelationshipwithfood
Nowtakeamomenttolookatwhatyouhavewrittenonthelinesnexttothesewordsandcommonscenarios.Takearedpenandcircle(orhighlight)thosewordsyouwrotethatarenegativeorgiveyouanegativefeeingorthought.Soifyouwrote“Goodguy”or“Fair”foryourboss,don’tcircleorhighlightanything.However,ifyouwrote“Suffocating”or“Difficult,”putaredcircleorhighlightaroundtheentirelinefrom“Myboss”to“Difficult”or“Suffocating.”Gobackthroughthelistandtakethetimetoidentifythosewordsthatareanxiety-inducing,negative,ormightcreateafeelingoffearorworryinyou.
CapturingYourNegativityThemes
Asyoulookoverthelistofcirclednegativewords,doyoufindanythemes?Ofcourse,it’spossibleyouhavenegativewordswrittennexttoeverything.People
course,it’spossibleyouhavenegativewordswrittennexttoeverything.Peoplewhoarediagnosedwithanxiety,orwholivewithageneralsensethatsomethingiswrongallofthetime,willfindtheirreactionstomostlifeconditionsbeinganegativeresponse.Butmostlyyou’llfindtherearethemesonthelist.Perhapsallofyournegativecommentsconcernedtherelationshipsinyourlife.Possiblytheywereabouthealth.Seeifyoucangrouptheresponsesintothemes.Useyourjournalornotesfeaturetorecordthesethemes.Keepthesethemesinmindasyoucontinuetheassessmentprocess.Ifyou
haveidentifiedspecificareas,focusyourattentiononthefollowingchaptersthatmostcloselyfityourconcerns.Ifyouhaveageneralfeelingof“Lifestinksandmakesmeanxiousallthetime,”youwillfindthatgoingthrougheachchapterandlearningtechniquesforincorporatingpositiveself-talkisimportant.
AssessingTriggerResponses
Whenthetriggerhappens,aresponsefollowsit.It’simportanttorecognizehowyourtriggersaffectyou.Sometimesithelpstomentallygototheeventorcircumstancethattriggeredyou—startingfromthepointyoufeltthesymptomsofanxiety.
TheUnseenCycle
Youexperiencesomethinginlife—largeorsmall.Ratherthanseeitaswhatitis—anobjectiveexperience—youprocessitwithnegativeself-talk.Yourself-talkgivesmeaningand“color”tothesituation.Youfocusonthenegativeaspects,dwellinguponthemandimaginingallkindsofdifficultresultingscenarios.Youfollowtheprocessalonguntilyouaretooscared,befuddled,andanxiety-riddentothinkclearlyabouthowtostopit.Thekeyistostopthecycle,eitheratthepointofwhenatriggerisabouttoset
itofforoncethenegativeself-talkbegins.
itofforoncethenegativeself-talkbegins.
GoingPositive
Thegoodnewsisthatthereisanotheroption:learningpositiveself-talk.Thiskindofself-talkkeepsyoupositiveandfocused.Inmanylifecircumstances,itcanserveasacatalysttohelpyoudealwithwhateversituationscomeyourway.Ataminimum,itcangiveyoustrength,restyourwearymind,andbuildoptimismthatthingsareprobablybetterthanyouthoughtthemtobe!
IdentifyingtheVoicesSometimesifyouthinkaboutwhatthevoicessaytoyou,youcanrecognizetheirsource.Youmayhearyourfatherormother,oryouroldersibling,orapastboss,oranex-girlfriendorboyfriend.Thewordsyouusetotellyourselfsomethingmightbefamiliarwordsthatothershaveusedeithertowardthemselvesortowardyou.Certainideashavehadabigimpactonyouovertheyears.Whenyoubecomeattunedtothevoicesandwhattheysay,theremaybesomefamiliarthemes.Manytimestheinterpretationpeoplehaveofwhat’s“good”orwhat’s“bad”isreallysomeoneelse’sperspectivethathasbecomeingrained.Justasthekeytonegativeself-talkliesinfindingapositiveself-talk,soyoucanfantheflamesofyourmemorytoremembergood,positivethingspeoplehavesaidtoyou.
“BatterUp!”
Inthenextchapter,youwillhaveachancetocompleteassessmentsspecifictoyourlife,andyourreactions.Butfirstlet’slookatthedifferencebetweenpositiveandnegativeself-talkinmoredetailtounderstandhowitactuallywritesastoryinyourlife.
Thinkoflisteningtoaballparkbroadcasterannouncingabaseballgame.Nowimaginethattheannouncerhasn’tactuallyseenthegameyet.Heistellingtheaudiencewhat’shappeningbeforetheplayhasstarted.“Thenextbatterupisgoingtohitahomerun.Thiscrowdisgoingtogowild.Thebatterwillrunaroundthebasesandexperienceahamstring.He’llwonderwhetherhecanfinishwithoutfallingdown.It’sgoingtobeanamazingeventtowatch!”Howmuchfunwouldthatbeforyouifyouwereintheaudience?Wouldyou
liketoknowwhatwasgoingtohappenbeforeithappened?Mostpeoplewouldanswer,“No!”Thefunisintheanticipation,watchingthegameunfold.Thefunisinnotknowinghowthingswillturnout.Oddlyenough,though,throughyourself-talk—whethergoodorbad—you
liveyourlifeasifanannouncerinyourheadistellingtheplaysbeforetheyhappen.Youtellyourselfwhatthingsmean,what’sgoingtohappennext,whatsomeonemeansbyhismannerismsandfacialexpressions,whetherthedayisgoingtobegoodorbad,andonandon.Youdon’tgiveyourselfthechancetojustexperiencelifebecausethecommentaryistellingyouwhattheexperienceisbeforeyouhaveit!
WritingtheStory
Picturethis,asbestyoucan.It’sabeautifulday.Youleaveyourhouseandsmelltheairofspring.Youhadtimetogetreadythismorningsoyouwerenotrushedandyoufeelgood.Youfindyourselfsmilingasyouwalkdownyourfrontstairs.Yourspiritsareup,anditfeelslikeagooddayisahead.Justasyousteponthelaststep,amancomesrunningaroundthecornerfullforceahead.Heseemstobestaringdirectlyatyou.Hislongcoatisflappingbehindhimasherunsandhisfaceshowswhatyouinterprettobesomeconcern.Stophere.It’spossiblethatnegativeself-talkmightbetellingyoutobescared
orparanoid.Perhapsatsomepointinthepastyou’vehadabadexperiencewith
astranger.Maybeyouweremuggedorthreatenedbysomeonewhomyoumetonthestreet.Becauseofthat,yourmindiswhispering,“Isthisguyathreattome?Maybehe’sgoingtograbmeorhurtme.”Thatsortofnegativeself-talkstemsbothfromthesituationandfromyourmemoriesofsimilarsituations.Butyoudon’thavetogiveintoit.Rather,tapintoyourpositiveself-talk:“Wow,thatguyisreallygoingfast.IwishIcouldrunlikethat.Infact,I’mso
happyIstartedthatexerciseplanlastweek.Ijustnoticed,inthinkingabouthowinshapeheis,thatIamfeelingmuchbetteraboutmyself.IthinkIamgettingtonedalready.Iamgoingtofindafewmoretimesonmycalendartogetmoreexercise.IalwaysfeelsogoodwhenIdo.Heismakingmelaughwiththatfunnyfacehehas.IalwayshaveasimilarexpressionwhenIamrunningtogetinshape.”
WhichIsthe“Right”Story?
So,whichstoryiscorrect?Isthemanathreat?Isheadangertoyou?Orisheareminderofthingsthatyouvalueandcareabout?Onlyyoucananswerthosequestions.Butbyshiftingawayfromnegativetopositiveself-talk,youcreatelessanxietyandmoreopportunitiesforyourself.
ChoosetoShiftIt
It’stimetolearnhowtostopandshiftyourself-talkmorepositively.Youcanuseself-talktocalmyouranxiousmind.It’sabouthavingchoices.Untilnowyou’vehadnochoice—negativeself-talkrulesyourday.Butthat’sabouttochange.Earlieryoucompletedanumberofassessmentstoidentifythemainsourcesof
anxietyinyourlife.Inthechaptersthatfollow,youwilllearnhowpositiveself-talkcanbeappliedinavarietyofcircumstances.Learningpositiveself-talkandtherightwordstosaywon’t,byitself,change
Learningpositiveself-talkandtherightwordstosaywon’t,byitself,changeyourlifeovernight.However,themoreyoucanpracticeitandmakeitahabit,themorechoicesyouwillhave.Andthemoreyoucanlearntoreplacenegativeself-talkwithpositiveself-talk,themoreyou’llbeincontrolofyourlife.Positiveself-talkbuildsandoffersconfidenceandhope.
PartII
CHAPTER4
BuildingYourSelf-TalkToolbox
Areyoureadyforacalmeryou?Areyoureadyforthestepsyouneedtotaketoquellyouranxiety,calmyourmind,andallowyourselfmorepositiveoptionsandoutcomesinlife?Itreallyisuptoyou.Itfeelsasthoughthesethingsareoutofyourcontrol,butthepoweriswithinyou.BytakingtheassessmentsinChapter2andusingthestepsinChapter3toidentifyyourtriggers,youarealreadyinanewstateofawarenessaboutthesourcesandimpactofnegativeself-talk.Youknowit’screatedamoreanxiousyou.Butit’smadepromisesthatitcan’tkeep.Ithastoldyoustoriesandgivenyouendingswithouteverlettingyouhaveachancetocreateadifferentoutcome.Thebeautyofpositiveself-talkisthatyoucancalluponitduringtimesof
everydayanxietyandstress,orduringtimeswhenthingsarespiralingoutofcontrol.Thefactis,thereisacalmeryou.Thereisayouthatcanstandinsidethetornadoasitswirlsaroundyouandnotgetcaughtinthestorm.Ifyouarereadytomakealifechangeandchoosecalmoveranxious,it’stimetouninvitethenegativeself-talkandinviteinamorepositiveandpowerfulyou.Takingthestepsoutlinedinthisbook,learningmoreaboutyourowncyclesofnegativeself-talk,andexaminingtheveracityofwhatthesevoicestellyouareallcriticalpiecesofthepuzzle.But,youhavetotakesomesteps.Youhavetocommittoanewwayofbeing.Youhavetodecideit’stimetoallowthecalmeryoutoemerge.
UsingYourToolsandYourAssessments
Thisbookisnotintendedasaone-timeread.It’smeanttocompelyoutoaction
Thisbookisnotintendedasaone-timeread.It’smeanttocompelyoutoactionandtogiveyousteps,tools,andwaystomoveyournegativestatestomorepositiveones.Youmightbelievethatthisworlddoesn’tallowforacalmmind,andyetinthemiddleofthetornado,therearemanypeoplestandingstillandwatchingitpassby.Youcandothesame.Inthischapter,you’lllearnwhattoolsyoumustkeepinyourpositiveself-talktoolboxtokeepyoucalmandincontrol.
Commitment
Thefirstthingistomakeacommitmenttoyourself.Committoanewyou,anewapproach.Writeyourcommitmentona3"×5"cardorsomewhereyoucanpostitand
seeitoften.Writeitinthepresenttenseandreviewitoften.Youmightwritesomethinglike:“Icommittoacalmerme.”Or“Iambecomingcalmereveryday.”Or“ItakethestepsIneedtotaketoremovenegativeself-talkfrommylife.”Resolvehowyouwillcaptureyournegativeself-talkandidentifyit
throughouttheday.Whatmethodwillyouusetokeeptrackofit?
YourPersonalPlan
Ifyouhaven’tworkedonanyoftheassessments,gobacktoChapters2and3now.StartwiththeoneinChapter2soyoucanidentifyyourspecificareasofproblemsorweaknessandthengoontotheevaluationoftriggersinChapter3.Itisimportanttounderstandtheareasinlifethataremajortriggersforyou.Whilemostoflifemaypresentfrustrationsfromtimetotime,someareasaremorestress-andanxiety-inducingthanothers.Forsomepeople,theirworklifeisgreatbuttheyhaven’tmetthepersonoftheirdreams,sotheyengageinnegativeself-talkwhentheygethomefeelinglonelyandunwanted.Othersfindthatanxietypermeateseverythingtheydo.Othershaveaterriblebossordifficult
workingsituation—orcan’tfindajobatall—andfeelnegativeanddepressedeverytimetheythinkaboutwork.Justremember,youcan’tfixtheproblemuntilyouknowwhattheproblemis.Therearenorightorwronganswersintheassessments.It’sallaboutlearning
moreaboutyouandyouranxiety.Thereisnobenefittoignoringwhattroublesyou,ortopretendingitwillgoawayonitsown.And,whilethisbookcanprovidemanyguidepoststodealwithanxietyandmakedifferentchoices,youmustfirstunderstandwhereyouranxietycomesfrom,whattriggersit,andwhatsendsitintoaction.Then,youwanttobeawareofhowittakesover,whatitsaystoyou,andtheimpactonyourmindandbody.
KeepingTrackofYourNegativeSelf-Talk
EarlierItalkedaboutusing3"×5"cardstowritedownnegativeself-talksoyoucanlearnhowitrunsamokandhowtocounterit.Aswell,Irecommendthatyougetajournalandwritethingsdown.Somepeoplearehesitanttodothis,butit’sveryhelpful.Ifyoudon’twanttokeepajournal,considersendingyourselfatextmessageorkeepinganoteinyoursmartphone.Oryoumaywanttojotideasdownonstickynotesandthenpostthemwhereyoucanreviewthem.Considerspeakingintoasmalltaperecorderthatyoucarrywithyouwhensomethingoccurstoyouthatwouldbehelpfultoremember.Whateveryouchoosetodo,itiscriticalthatyouremindyourselftostayawareanduncoverthenegativeself-talk.Themoreyoucanseeclearlywhenandwhereitmovesin,themorepoweryouhavetoaskittoleaveandreplaceitwithpositiveself-talk.Simplyusingpositiveaffirmationscanbebeneficial,buttoreallyshiftfromanxietytoacalmeryou,youhavetoidentifythenegativeself-talkandmakedifferentchoicesaboutit.Resolveherehowyouwillcaptureyournegativeself-talkandidentifyit
throughouttheday.Whatmethodwillyouusetokeeptrackofit?Takenoteoftheeventsthattriggeryouandnotedownyourreactiontothem
eachtimeyounoticenegativeself-talkcreepingin.Anddon’tletyournotessit
eachtimeyounoticenegativeself-talkcreepingin.Anddon’tletyournotessitunremembered.Refertothematleastonceperdaytostarttoseeiftherearepatternsorcommonalitiesthatoccur.
TheNextSteps
Inadditiontowritingyourcommitmenttomakethechangeyouwantandidentifyingamethodtokeeptrackandbecomemoreawareofyourself-talk,youwillwanttoidentifywhichsectionsofthisbookmightbemostusefulforyourimmediateproblems.Afterlookingagainatthetableofcontents,scanquicklytofindthosechaptersthatapplymosttoyou.Thenreadthemcarefully.Findthestepsthatseemmostappropriateforyoursituation,yourlifestyle,andyourneeds.Itmaybehelpfultocopythesepagessoyouhavethemhandyatalltimes.Norealchangehappenswithoutaplan.Youmusthaveawaytointegratewhatyouarelearninghereintoyourday-to-daylifeoritcan’tbecomerealforyou.Reviewthestepsyouwilltakethenexttimethatnegativeself-talkcreepsin.
Writethemdownandkeepthemsomewheretowhichyouhaveeasyaccess.Perhapsyoucankeepasetnexttoyourbedsoyoucanrepeatpositiveaffirmationsbeforebedtime.Keepasetinyourpocketoryourdeskdraweratwork.Don’tsticktheminafile—it’stooeasytoforgetaboutthem.Putthemsomewhereyoucanreachwhenyouneedthem.Next,schedulesometimetoworkthroughtheprocessyouhaveidentified.
Someoftheapproachesinthisbookrequireyoutositquietly,dodeepbreathing,orrepeataffirmations.Youcanpracticetheseatanytime.Infact,youshouldpracticesotheseexercisesbecomeahabitforyouwhenthenegativeself-talkvisitsandyoucatchitintheact!Youwanttobereadytoturntoyourpositiveapproach.Themoreyoupracticethis,andthemorecomfortableyoufeelwithit,theeasieritwillbetodoit.Asyoureadeachofthefollowingchapters,puttheexercisesand
Asyoureadeachofthefollowingchapters,puttheexercisesandrecommendationsintoyourproverbialbagoftricks.Pickouttheapproachesthatworkforyou.Ifyouwanttofindabuddy,figureoutawaytodothis.Itcanbeveryhelpfultohavethereinforcementofanotherpersoninturningyourself-talkaround.Ifyouaregoingtopracticeself-hypnosis,schedulethisintoyourday.Don’twaitforarighttimetomakethingshappen—instead,planforit.Makeitapartofyourlife.Onceyouhaveyourplan,putitinwriting.Whetheryouhaveaplanning
notebook,usecalendarsoftware,orputeverythinginasmartphone,don’trelyonmemoryalonetoremindyouofthetimetodoaself-talkexercise.Scheduleit.Writeitdown.Committoit.Changewon’thappenwithoutdeliberateactionstomakeithappen.
Review,Modify,andSucceed
Insteadofassumingthateverythingwillworkoutfinenowthatyouhaveaplan,takedeliberatestepstoreviewwhat’shappening.Noteverythingworksforeveryperson.Someoftheapproachesmightbegreatforyourbuddyorafriendwhoreadsthisbook,buttheymightnotworkforyou.Thereasonthisbookispackedwithideasandapproachesistogiveyouthechancetofindtheonethatfitswhoyouare.Asyoupracticetheapproaches,payattentiontowhat’sworkingandwhat’s
not.Again,itcanbehelpfultowritesomenotesandcapturethoughts.Eachtimeyoupracticesomething,makeanoteofwhatitfeltlike.Whatdidn’tworkthatwell?Whatdidyoulike?Whatwouldyouwanttomodifynexttime?Makethisprocessaboutyou—don’tworryabouttherightandthewrong.Focusonwhatwillworkforyou.Besuretocapturethe“Why?”Whydidn’ttheapproachworkaswellasyou
hoped?Whydidoneapproachworkbetterthananother?Whatsortsofthingsaffectedtheoutcome?Thennotewhatyoumightwanttododifferently.What
affectedtheoutcome?Thennotewhatyoumightwanttododifferently.Whatmightyouchangefornexttime?Aretherepiecesyoucouldtakefromoneapproachandputwithanother?Lastly,identifyyourbestnextsteps.Whatthingswillyoucontinuetocommit
togoingforward?Itcanbehelpfultostateyourcommitmentonascaleof1–10.Howcommittedareyoutoacalmer,morepeacefulyou?
Calm
Itispossibletomovefromanxietytoacalmeryou.Thenegativeself-talkyouhavetakenonhashelpedyoutobelievethatitwasn’tpossible.Youknownowthatthereisadifferentoption.Youcanbecalm.Youcanfeelgoodaboutyourself.Youcanfeelgoodaboutyourlife.Committodosotoday.Walkthroughthestepsoutlinedhere.Don’ttakeshortcuts.Youdeservetobecalm.Youdeservealifewithoutanxietyasanever-presentnag.Starttowalktothatnewlifetoday.
CHAPTER5
AnxietyinPersonalRelationships
Relationshipsareinmanywaysboththekeytoourhappinessandsuccessandthebaneofourexistence.Thepeopleclosesttouscansupportusandguideusthroughoutlife,andtheycanalsomakeourlivescompletelymiserable.Manypeoplehaven’tlearnedhowtoreallybenaturalandpositiveinrelationships.Youmaylooktoanotherpersonforyourhappinessandwhenhedoesn’tdowhatyouexpect,itmakesyouunhappy.Youmayblamepeoplearoundyoufortheproblemsyouhave—yourparentsdidn’tgiveyoutherightsupportoryoursiblingshaveignoredyouorfriendshavebetrayedyou.Anywherehumanbeingsgather,thereisthepotentialforproblems.Somepeoplearewellintentionedbutawkwardorself-destructiveinhowthey
actinarelationship.Forexample,Harrycravesattention(apositiveoutcome),buthetriestogetitbyactingaggressivelyandcausingscenesinpublicplaces(poordelivery).Theresultispreciselytheoppositeofwhathewants—peopleavoidHarryinordernottobepartofhisdestructivebehavior,andasaresultHarrydoesn’tgetwhathereallyneeds.Sometimesitseemsasifthereisalwayssomethingamisswithour
relationships.Whilethingsaregoingwellwithyourspouse,youmaybefightingwiththeneighbor.Ifyourchildrenarebehaving,yourmother-in-lawiscausingyoutrouble.Theserelationshipproblemsarefueledbynegativeself-talk,whichisoftenthethirdwheelinourrelationships.Negativeself-talkcolorsyourreactiontoandimpressionofotherpeopleinsituationsthatrangefromdealingwithconflictandangerinrelationshipstolossofalovedonetodisappointmentsinlife.Thischapterwillexaminethedifferentrelationshipscenariosthatcausestressandanxietyandwilllookatthecommonself-talkpeopleuse.You’lldosomeexercisestoexamineyourownself-talkandlearnnewpositivewaysof
someexercisestoexamineyourownself-talkandlearnnewpositivewaysoftalkingtoyourselftohelphealsomeofyourbrokenrelationshipsorbrokenfeelingstowardothers.
RelationshipsCanReallyHurtTheresearchonhowrelationshipscantrulyhurtisastounding.Negativeself-talkandtheresultinganxietycanactuallydrivepeopletohurtoneanother.Somestudieshaveshownthatcloseto50percentoftheviolentcrimesagainstfamilymemberseachyeararecommittedagainstspouses.EveryninesecondsintheUnitedStates,awomanisassaultedorbeaten.Aroundtheworld,atleastoneineverythreewomenhasbeenbeaten,coercedintosex,orotherwiseabusedduringherlifetime.Mostoften,theabuserisamemberofherownfamily.Domesticviolenceistheleadingcauseofinjurytowomen—morethancaraccidents,muggings,andrapescombined.Amindledbynegativeself-talkdoesn’t“see”anotherpersonasvaluable.
ProblemsinRelationships
Startbyrecognizingtheimmensewebofrelationshipsinwhichyou’reinvolved.Thereisyourfamilyoforigin,includingyourparentsandsiblingsandanyextendedfamilymemberssuchasauntsoruncles.Youmaybemarried,divorced,orinacommittedpartnership.Youmayhavechildren.Youprobablyhavefriendsandcolleagueswithwhomyouinteractonaregularbasis.Andinthisageofsocialnetworking,relationshipspervadeourlives.Weoftenspendhoursonlinecommunicating,reading,andfindingoutinformationaboutotherpeople.Whenyourrelationshipsaregood,theymakeyouhappyorpositiveaboutthe
world.Astrongrelationshipcanbeaportinthestormoflife.Butwhenrelationshipssourorencounterdifficulty,mostpeoplebecomefixatedontheproblemsandusenegativeself-talktobringthemselvesandotherpeopledown.
problemsandusenegativeself-talktobringthemselvesandotherpeopledown.Toomuchnegativeself-talkcanturnfeelingsofloveorattractionintohatredordisgust.Inothercases,youfeelsadnessorloss.Perhapsyouaregoingthrougha
divorceorhavelostalovedone.It’scommontoexperiencedepressionandanxiety,overwhelmedbynegativeemotions.Ratherthanfocusingonpositiveself-talk—rememberingthegoodtimesyouhavehadwithyourfriend,relative,orspouse—youallowyournegativeself-talktotakeover.“Mylifewillneverbefullagain.Thelossistoogreat—theholeistoobig.”Or,“I’mtooyoungtobealone,butIwillbealonefortherestofmylife.”
I’mNotHappy,butIDon’tKnowHowtoTellYou
Behavioralresearchshowsusthatonlyabout18percentofthepopulationiscomfortablewithconflict.Thatleaves82percenttryingtoavoidconflictwheneverpossible;atbest,theytolerateitwhenitcomestheirway.Theproblemis,somedegreeofconflictisinherentinrelationships.Itcanbeassmallasyourpartnerleavingthecapoffthetoothpasteinthebathroom,oraslargeastellingyourspouseyoudon’twanttohavechildrenwhenyoupreviouslysaidyouwereopentothem!Inromanticrelationshipstherearehundredsofopportunitieseachdayfor
differencesofopiniontosurface.Butofcourse,relationshipsaren’tlimitedtoromanticones.There’sthesiblingwhobehavedinappropriately(atleast,inyourview)atthelastfamilydinner.Orthechildwhorespondstoyourruleswith,“Ihateyou!”Relationshipsarearegularstompinggroundforconflict.Somepeoplearesoattunedtoconflictthatevenwhenarelationshipis
relativelyharmonious,theywaitanxiouslyfortheothershoetodrop.Youcanadoptanattitudeofavoidingconflict,hopingitwillresolveitself,butasyou’veprobablylearnedthehardway,thatdoesn’thappen.Unresolvedconflictssimmerandbubblejustbelowthesurfaceuntiltheyeruptagain.Forthisreason,
beingabletodealconstructivelyandpositivelywithconflictinarelationshipisanimportantskill.
UnhappilyMarried?YouAreNotAlone!AuthorDanaAdamShapiro(YouCanBeRight(orYouCanBeMarried):LookingforLoveintheAgeofDivorce),inanOctober2012interviewwithBuzzfeed.com,says,“Ithink17percentofmarriagesarehappy.Fiftypercentofmarriagesend,andofmarriagesthatstaytogether,Ithinkathirdarehappy,athirdarehappyenough,andathirdareunhappy.”Hmmm...Couldnegativeself-talkbecontributingtotheunhappiness?It’sworthgivingpositiveself-talkatry!
ChangingYourSelf-TalktoDealwithOthers
Giventhecrucialrolerelationshipsplayinourlives,weneedtocounternegativeself-talkthatcanpullthemofftrack.Here’swhatyouneedtodo.
StepOne
Takethetimetothinkaboutwhatyou’dlikeinthisrelationship.Whatwouldtherelationshiplooklikeifthingsweregoingasyou’dlikethemto?Whatwouldtheotherpersonbedoingorsaying?Howwouldyoubeinteractingwithhimorher?Whatissueswouldyouliketodiscusswiththispersonforapositiveoutcome?Makenotesabouthowyouwouldlikethisrelationshiptobe,andhowyouwouldliketobeinthisrelationship.Beasclearasyoucanaboutwhatyoureallywant.
StepTwo
Nowtakeaminutetositquietlyandimaginewhatitisliketofeelconfident
Nowtakeaminutetositquietlyandimaginewhatitisliketofeelconfidentandinagoodplacewithregardtothisrelationship.Itcanbehelpfultocloseyoureyesandpicturethepositivefeelingsinanywayyoucan.Noteveryone“sees”picturesintheirminds,andthisisokay.Justimaginehowyoumightfeelandwhatyoumightthinkabouttherelationship.Imaginewhattheotherpersonisdoinginresponsetoyou.Ishelisteningmoreeffectively?Areyouresolvingissuestogether?Areyoujusthavingmorefun?Runpictures,thoughts,feelings,orideasthroughyourmindaboutthepositiveoutcomeyoudesireforthisrelationship.
StepThree
Nowpracticepositiveself-talk.Readthefollowingphrasesandseewhichonesmostfityouandyoursituationorwhichonesyoucanmostrelatetoandseemthemost“real”toyou.
“Ideservetohaveagoodrelationship.”“Personalrelationshipsaremeanttobefulfilling,notdraining.”“It’simportanttobringupissues,concerns,thoughts,ideas,orwhateverIwanttotalkaboutwithinmyrelationships.”“Iamconfidentinmyrelationship.Havingachancetotalkaboutobstaclesgivesusachancetofixthemtogether.”“Idonotcontrolthereactionofothers.Icanonlycontrolmyownactionsandreactions.”“IstayfocusedonwhatIwantoutofthisrelationship,notonwhat’swrong.”“Attitudeiseverything.Ibelievethisrelationshipcanwork.Itrytofindnewwaystodomyparttowardthatend.”
StepFour
Nowputthisalltogether.Findaplacetositquietlyandcloseyoureyes.
Nowputthisalltogether.Findaplacetositquietlyandcloseyoureyes.Imaginethisrelationshipisstrong.Imaginethatitisbringingyoujoy.Imaginethatyouareabletoberealandfeelgoodaboutyourselfinthisrelationship.Getanideainyourmindaboutthenextinteractionwiththisperson.Seeorbelievethatinteractionwillhaveapositiveoutcome.Lookatthelistaboveandchoosetheself-talkthatwillmakethesepicturesrealforyou.Practicewiththesewordsandrepeatthemoverandoveragainuntiltheyseemrealtoyou.It’sveryimportantthatyouallowthesewordstosinkin.Themoreyouallowyourmindtograspideasandimagesandwordsthatmakethisrelationshipmorepositiveandmorefulfilling,themoreyourmindwillhelpyouworktowardthatend.
StepFive
Asyouworkwiththis,remembertokeepyourjournalortaperecordercloseby.Observeyourreactionstothepersonintherelationship.Notewhereyougettriggered,andwhereyoucanbringyourpositiveself-talktobear.It’simportanttolookattheprocessasongoingsoyoucancontinuetoreinforcethenew,morepositiveapproach.Rememberthatnorelationshipwillchangeovernight.Peopleadoptcertain
actionsandreactionsinrelationships,andittakesawhiletoembracenewbehaviorsonthepartofsomeoneyoumaybecloseto.Youwillneedtobecommittedtoplowthroughevenwhenyournegativeself-talktellsyouthereisnopointandnothingwillchange.
DealingwithLoss
Youmayhaveinvestedalotinarelationshipandcaredabouttheotherperson;shemayhavecaredaboutyou.Butthen,forwhateverreason,sheleft.Peopleleaverelationshipsformanyreasons.Everyoneisonthisearthona
temporarybasis,sosoonerorlaterweallleaveasaresultofdeath.Butthereare
temporarybasis,sosoonerorlaterweallleaveasaresultofdeath.Buttherearemanyotherreasonsrelationshipsdissolve.
Morethan50percentofmarriagesendindivorce;husbandsandwivesleaveeachothereveryday.Peoplewhomyoutrustorbelieveincanpickupandleaveyou,sometimeswithoutwarningornotice.Perhapstheymoveawaybecauseofajobchange,orperhapstheywanttomakeachangeintheirlives.Thepointis,they’renotthereanymore.Peoplemayleavearelationshipemotionally.Sometimestheworstlonelinessishavingsomeonethere,butfeelingalone!PeoplemayleaveyoubecauseofAlzheimer’sorothermentalincapacitation.
Peoplemayleaveforashorttime,andsometimestheyleaveforever.Inbothcases,itcreatesafeelingofloss,andlossishard.Thevoidleftoftenfeelslarge.Somedaysthepainandgriefcanbecomeoverwhelming.Negativeself-talkenhancesthefeelingsofgrief.Yourmindtellsyouthatyouwillneverfeelokayagain.Theworldwillneverbethesamewithoutthepersonyou’velost.Youmaybegintothinkaboutyourownmortality.Griefisnormal.Feelingasenseoflossandthevoidthatfollowsisalso
normal.Neverrecoveringfromthegrieforthelossisnotokay.Grievingisnatural,butyoumustfindwaystodealwiththegrief.Negativeself-talkandtheruminationsassociatedwithitcanpullyouindaybyday.Thisisanespeciallycrucialareainwhichyouneedpositiveself-talktohelpyouworkthroughyourgriefandcometoabetterplace.Beforeyoustarttheself-talkexercisesinthissection,besureyouhavegiven
yourselfadequatetimetogrieve.What’sa“normal”time?Itdiffersforeveryone,butifyouarereadingthissectionyearsafterlosingsomeone,youshouldworkonthisexercise.Whenyoulosesomeoneyoucareabout,itdoesn’tremovethepersonfrom
yourconsciousness—thismeansyoumusteventuallylookatthelossdifferently.
yourconsciousness—thismeansyoumusteventuallylookatthelossdifferently.If,forexample,youlostyourspousetoanacrimoniousdivorce,constantlytalkingtoyourselfabouthimorherinanegativefashionisn’thealthyforyou.Itisn’tchanginganything,anditisn’tfixinganything.Youneedtogetonthepositiveself-talktrain.
PowerfulSelf-TalktoReplacePowerfulLoss
Thissectionwillworkifyoufeelreadytomakesomekindoflifeshiftinthisarea.Noonecantellyouthatyouareready;youmustmakethatdecisionforyourself.Everyonegrievesdifferently,andsomepeopleneedmoretimethanothers.Payattentiontoyourneeds.
StepOne
Becauseyouaredealingwithahole,avoid,alossofsomekind,youmaynotknowwhatsuccessandapositiveoutcomelookslike.Youmightonlyknowthatyoudon’twanttocontinueinthekindofpainyou’rein.First,writedownafewideasaboutwhatthelossofthispersonmeanstoyou.Writebothhowthelossaffectsyouandalsohowitmakesyoufeel.
1. Losingthispersonimpactedmylifebecause...2. WhenIthinkaboutthelossofthisperson,Ithinkabout...3. Myownself-imageisimpactedbythelossofthispersonbecause...4. Ifeelstuckinthislossbecause...
StepTwo
Reviewwhatyouhavewritten.Readallofthesesections.Circleorhighlightanywordsthatstandouttoyouashighimpact.Inotherwords,whatcatchesyourattentionwhenyoureadit?Whatreallydragsyoudownemotionally?
yourattentionwhenyoureadit?Whatreallydragsyoudownemotionally?ReviewyourlistoftriggersfromChapter3.Doanyofthesewordsrelatebacktothesetriggers?
StepThree
Nowmakeacommitmenttodealingwiththislossinadifferentway.You’vereachedtheendofyourformalgrievingprocess,andnowyouwill“miss”thepersoninadifferent,hopefullyhealthier,way.Dependingonthetypeofloss(i.e.,death,divorce,abusinesspartnerwhostolefromyou,afriendwhodumpedyou,asiblingwhomovedawayandnevergotintouch),youwillclosetheloopdifferently.Herearesomewaystodothis.Chooseoneofthese,orwriteoneofyourown.
“Ihavegivenenoughofmylifeovertogrieving.Inolongerwanttodevoteenergytomourningthisloss.Itdoesn’tdiminishtheperson’simportancetome,butIneedtomoveonwithmylife.”“Losingsomeoneisanaturallifeprocess.Ithurtstosuffertheloss,butit’snormal.Peopleleaveinavarietyofwaysallofthetime.Iamnottheonlypersontoexperienceloss.Iamreadytomoveintothenextphaseofmylifeandgiveupmourningthisloss.”“Iwasluckytohave______________inmylife.Iwillalwaysmisshim/herinsomeway,butmylifeisfullandIintendtofillitevenmore.Iamreadytofindwhatthenextphasehastoofferme.”“I’mdone.I’vegrieved.I’vesuffered.I’vemourned.Ineedtomoveon.”
Reviewthesestatements,orwriteoneofyourown.It’simportantheretoputsomethinginwritingthatallowsyoutocommittoafinality.Knowthatthepersonisgone.Allowyourselftofillthevoidthatheorsheleftwithsomethingelse.Makethatcommitmentnowinwriting.
StepFour
Nowyouneedaplantofillthevoidleftbythisperson.Rightnownegativeself-talkfuelsthisvoid,anditlikelywidenstheemptiness.(Ifitdoesn’twidenthevoid,itcertainlydoesn’tshrinkitatall!)Lossresultsinavoidthatneedstobefilledwithsomethingelse.Whatstepscanyoutaketobegintoheal?Canyoujoinasupportgroup?Canyoufindaroommate?Canyoulocatesomeoneelsetobeyourpartner?Canyoutakeupahobby?Canyougooutwithafriend?Canyouvolunteeratanursinghome?Canyoudonateyourtimetoachildinneed?Whatstepscanyoutakethatwillgiveyouafocus,orsomethingnewtofillthatvoid?Writeanyideasthatcometomindinyourjournal.
StepFive
Nowthatyouhavecommittedtomovepastyourgrieving,haveidentifiedsomeofyourfearsaboutthetransition,andhavefoundsomewaystofillthatvoid,youarereadytobeginintegratingpositiveself-talkintotheprocess.Positiveself-talkhereiscriticallyimportantbecauseyouwillneedreinforcementandremindersoverandoveragainofyourcommitmenttomovepastthisloss.Yourpositiveself-talkshouldstartfirstthinginthemorning,anditshouldcarryonthroughoutyourdaysothatyouareconstantlyremindingyourselfofyourdesiretofillthatvoid.
“Iloved/caredabout/trusted/enjoyed(identifyyouremotionaroundthisperson)______________,butshe/heisgone.Ihavemournedtheloss,andnowIlookforwardtofindingwhatthenextphaseofmylifewillbring.”“Foreverydoorthatcloses,anotheroneopens.Ibelievethis,andIkeepmyeyespeeledforthenextopeneddoor.”“Iamafulfilledpersonofmyownmaking.Idon’tneedanotherpersontofillme.Iamokayonmyown.”
“EveryonegoesthroughwhatIamgoingthroughinonewayoranother.Lossisapartoflife.I’mmovingon.”“Lifeholdsallkindsofpromiseforme.Ilookforwardtowhat’scomingnext.Ilivemylifewithhope.”“Theworldisfilledwithpeoplewhoneedsomeone.Icanbethatpersontosomeoneelse,andsoIlookaroundforopportunitiestobeafriend,apartner,orasupportertosomeoneelse.”“Ihavesomethingtooffer.Iactivelyseekwaystosharemytimeandtalentswithothers.”“Lifeisfilledwithpromiseandopportunity.”
StepSix
Dealingwithlossmayrequireyoutogobacktoanyoneofthesestepsoverandoveragain.Youmustcommittofinalizingyourgrief.Youmustcommittofillingtheemptiness.Youmustcommittofindingpositiveself-talkthatbolstershopewithinyou.Reviewthesestepsandreturntoanyonewhereyoufeelstuckorstymied.Andremembertousepositiveself-talkoftenandconsistently.Dealingwithlossisdifficult,butitissomethingthateveryhumanbeinghas
tofaceinonewayoranother.Grievingandmourningisnaturalandhasitsplace.Allowyourselfthespacetomourn,butthenmakeadecisionthatyouranxiousmindisdonemourningandisreadytomoveintoanewplace.Mosteverythingyouwillreadinthisbookisaboutmakingadifferentdecision.It’saboutlettinggoofthepainthatcausesyourmindtorunwildandtowreakhavoconyourhappiness.Lossprovidesagreatopportunitytofallintoavoidandfeelill-equippedtopullyourselfoutofit.Ifyoucontinuetostruggle,youmightwanttoreviewthestepsinthissectionoverandovertofindtheplacesyoumostneedtofocuson.Realizingyouhaveachoiceisthefirstimportantstep,butit’snecessarytokeeppracticingthesestepsuntilthatchoicebecomesareality.
CASESTUDY
Let’slookatsomeonedealingnotwithlossbutwithdisappointmentinarelationship.Thisisreallyonlyonestepremovedfromdealingwithloss.Likeloss,thetypeofdisappointmentcanbeminororsevere,butyourabilitytomovepastitandhealtherelationshipandyourselfshouldnotdependontheseverityoftheissue.Louisewasmarriedforalmostthirtyyearstoamanshemetshortly
aftergraduatingfromcollege.Bothofthemhadproductivecareers,andtheyhadtwochildrenwhogrewup,married,andmovedawayfromhome.Louisewaslookingforwardtoapeacefulmiddleageandretirement.Until,thatis,shefoundoutthatherhusbandhadbeenunfaithful.Hehadalong-timemistress,withwhomhe’dhadachild.Frankannouncedtoherthathewasleavinghertogolivewithhismistress.Likemanypeoplewhosetrustinsomeonehasbeenmisplaced,
Louise’sfirstreactionwastobeatuponherself.“HowcouldIhavebeensoblind?”shemoaned.“WhywasIsostupidastotrustFrank?What’swrongwithmethatIdidn’trecognizeforallthoseyearsthathe’sapathologicalliar?”Disappointmentcanbringheartache—andactualphysicalsymptoms.
Louisestoppedeatingwell.Shecouldn’tsleep,andshefeltlistlessandwithoutenergy.Asiscommoninsuchcases,Louisereinforcedherlossthroughnegativeself-talk,whichonlydeepenedtheheartache.Heranxietyandstresslevelswentthroughtheroof.Shewonderedifshecouldevertrustsomeone—anyone—again.Louise’sdisappointmentisnormal.Mostpeoplegointoarelationship
withsomelevelofexpectation.Aspouse“should”docertainthingsfor
withsomelevelofexpectation.Aspouse“should”docertainthingsfortheotherspouse;afriend“should”betrustworthyandkind;aparent“should”considerthebestinterestsofthechildrenbeforehisown;andonandonandon.It’snotthatthese“shoulds”arenottrue,buttheyareajudgmentthatonepersonmakesaboutanother.Infact,iftheseexpectationswereuniversallytrue,peoplewouldseldomdisappointinrelationships.Frank’sviewsabouthowhe“should”handlehimselfinarelationship
weredifferentfromthoseheldbyLouise.Thisdisagreementiswhatledtocrisisanddisappointment.Frankhonestlybelievedthatcheatingwasanormalpartofmarriage;hisfatherhadbeenconstantlyunfaithfultohismother,buttheirmarriagehadlasted.LouisesetanexpectationinherrelationshipwithoutFrankknowingitwasthere(thoughwecancertainlysayheshouldhaveknown,sincemaritalinfidelityisnotarecipeforahappymarriage).Positiveself-talkcanbeverypowerfulinrelationships,strengthening
thembeforeadisappointmenthappensorhelpingapersontohealafterthedisappointment.Thatprovedtrueinthiscase.Aftervisitingacounselorandtakingsometimetorecoverfromheroriginalshock,Louisewasabletoturnherself-talkaround.Athertherapist’sadvice,shewrotedownherthoughtsinajournal.Shestartedbyfocusingonthemarriageandthinkingabouther
expectationsforit.ShewantedFranktobeagoodprovider;awarm,lovingcompanion;andafaithfulspouse.Notsurprisingly,whenshedidthis,inonepartofhermindshesaid,“Thisisstupid.Ofcourseaspouseshouldbefaithful.Thatisn’tmyexpectation;that’swhatourvowssaid.”Butsomethingwentwrong—andFrankdidn’tliveuptothosevows.SoLouiserealizedthatinanyfuturerelationship,shewouldhavetospelloutclearlythatsheneededherpartnertobefaithful.Next,LouisethoughtabouthowFrankdisappointedher.Thoughit
wasdifficult,shetriedtorefrainfromjudgmentallanguageandjust
wasdifficult,shetriedtorefrainfromjudgmentallanguageandjustwrotedownthefactsofwhathappened.Beingasfactualaspossiblehelpedremovesomeoftheemotionalstingfromthedisappointment.ThenLouisethoughtaboutwhatshewantedfromthisexercise.Did
shewanttoforgiveFrank?Tohealtherelationship?Ratherthanpickanegativeoutcome,whichshemighthavedonebefore(“Iwanttomakehimandhislittlebimbopay!”),sheconcluded,“Iwanttomovepastthisandhaveawarm,loving,trustingrelationshipinthefuture.AndIwanttoforgiveFrankbutmakeitclearthatheisnolongeracentralpartofmylife.”NowLouisewenttoworkonherpositiveself-talk.Sherealizedthat
thesuccessofpositiveself-talkinthissituationdependedentirelyonherwillingnesstoapproachFrankdifferentlyandhaveanattitudeofhealing,forgiveness,andpositiveenergy.Shewrotedownalistofpositiveself-talkoptionstoseewhichones
resonatedmostwithher.
“Everyoneishuman.Humansmakemistakes.IwantedahealthyrelationshipwithFrank,butIknowI’vemovedonfromhim.Ichoosetofocusonwhat’sgoodinmylife.”“Ihavemademistakes.IhavethingsinmylifeIwouldliketodoover.IfreelyofferFrankmyforgivenessforthefuture.”“Iwanttobeemotionallyandphysicallyhealthy.Harboringresentmentisn’tgoodforanyone—Ifocusonthepositiveaspectsofthisandotherrelationships.”“IfreelyletgoofFrank.Itisnolongermeanttobearelationshipinmylife.”“Igetstrongereveryday.Ilearnfromeverysituationandeveryrelationship.Ichoosetolearn.”
“Problemsinmyrelationshipsgivemeachancetolookatme.Iwanttobeabetterfriendandmother,abetterperson.”“Idoeverythingpossibletokeepthisrelationshiphealthy.”“Beinghealthyinfuturerelationshipsisimportanttome.Istrivetowardhealthandshakeoffthosethingsthatbringmedown.”
Finally,LouiseusedvisualizationandpositiveimagingtorememberFrankasshefirstmethim.Shedidnotofferjudgment;sherecognizedthatmanythingshadmadehimthepersonhewas.Shecouldnotbewithhim,anditwastimetomoveon.
Asyougothroughyourexercises,patternedontheonesoutlinedintheabovecasestudy,findaquietplacethatyoucansituninterrupted.Haveyourpositiveself-talkaffirmationswithyousoyoucanrepeatthemoverandoveragain.Readtheseinstructionsfirstandonceyouknowwhattodo,sitquietlyandcloseyoureyes.Youwillwanttouseasmanysensesaspossibletopictureorimagineorthinkabouttheotherpersonandyourdesiredoutcomewithhim.First,picturethepersoninyourmind.Ifyoubegintoassociateanythingnegative,picturethatpersonasachildinneed.Picturethatpersonassadorscaredoranythingthatmakeshimmorevulnerableandaccessible.Picturethatpersonhurtinginsomeway.Next,imagineyouaretheretoembracethatpersonashesays“I’msorry”overandoverandoveragain.Youmayneverhearthewordsfromthepersoninreallife,butyoucanheartheminthispicture.Thepersonishumbledandseekingsupportandforgiveness.Offerthepersonforgivenessnowand,inyourmind,tellhimyouaremovingon.Nextintegrateyourself-talk.Takeaphraseortwofromthelistinthecase
studyabove,ormakeuppositiveself-talkofyourown,andusethislanguageasyourmantraoverandoveragainasyousitquietly.Continuetorepeatthisself-talkuntilyoufeelyourownanxietyandresentmenttowardthepersondiminishing.
diminishing.Realizethatthedisappointmentorresentmentyouholdtowardsomeoneis
morehurtfultoyouthantheotherperson.Mostofthetimeotherpeopledon’tfeelourangerandresentmentthewaywewantthemto.Infact,theymaybecomedefensiveorcombativeinreactiontoyourresentment.Whileyouranxiousmindruminatesoverwhat’sgonewrong,theotherpersonisthinkingthatyouaretheproblem.Usingpositiveself-talkhereandchangingthedynamicoftheconversationisgoodforyoupersonally,aswellasforyourrelationship.
Practice,Practice,Practice!
Relationshipsarechallenging.Theycanbringoutthebestinpeople,aswellastheworst.Evenafteryouapplysomeofthepositiveself-talkmethodsinthischapter,anotherrelationshipwillcomealongtochallengeyou.Theexercisesinthischapteraremeanttobeusedoverandover.Picktheself-talkthatbestfitsyoursituation.Dealwithrelationshipsoneatatimeuntilyoufeelconfidentandmoreincontrol.Toomanypeoplewanttobe“right”inrelationships.Theydon’twanttocuttheotherpersonabreakatallorgiveintosomething.Instead,thinkofrelationshipsaslearningexperiences—youlearnaboutyourselfandyourtriggersandreactions.Youcanguidearelationshipusingthepositiveself-talkyouarelearning.Thisprocessisaboutchoice.It’saboutchoosingmentalhealthoverananxiousmind.Keepchoosingtheapproachthatgivesyoumoreoptionsandconfidence.
CHAPTER6
AnxietyintheWorkplace
Work-relatedanxietyisfartoocommoninoursociety.Thinkofthemanythingsthatcangowronginone’sjobsituation—difficultbosses,unreasonableexpectations,toomuchresponsibilityfortoolittleauthority,toomuchworkandnotenoughtimetocompleteit,loominglayoffsorRIFs(reductionsinforce),andgenerallyterribleworkconditions.Buthereagain,youcanturnthesituationaroundandmakeworkaplaceinwhichyoufindenergyandpurpose.Mostpeoplespendamajorityoftheirtimeatwork.Formanypeopletheir
workisabigpartofwhotheyare.Theyidentifytheirself-worthwiththeirwork.Othersworkjusttosurvive.Thetruthisthatsinceitoccupieseighttofourteenhoursofeveryday,fivedaysaweek,workcan’thelpbutpermeateyourlife.It’spreciselyforthisreasonthatit’stimeyoutookchargeofyourself-talkandchangedyourworksituation.Youdon’thavetogetanewjob;youcanstayatthesameplace,buttalkdifferentlytoyourselfaboutit.Ofcourse,it’spossiblethatyou’rereadingthischapterbecauseyouare
lookingforanewjob.Youmayhavealotofnegativeself-talkassociatedwithyourvalueintoday’seconomyoryourreputationfromapastemployer.Whatevertheassociationwithworkandthereasonforreadingthischapter,youcantakeadifferentapproach.Inthischapterwe’lllookatavarietyofcommonworksituations.Youwillseethecommonnegativeself-talkthatpeopleuseandlearnwaystoshiftthenegativeself-talktosomethingmorepositiveandpowerful.Havingtoolstocopewiththeproblemsyouencounterandthenegativethingsyouwanttochangeisimperative.
AnxiouslySeekingaJob
AnxiouslySeekingaJob
Jobhuntingisoneofthemoreanxiety-arousingexperiencespeoplehaveinlife.Ifyouaresomeoneoutofwork,youmayneedajobbadly.Ifyouareinadifficultworksituation,youmayfeelasenseofurgencytochangeyourcircumstancesandfindanewsituation.Perhapsyouareacollegestudentwhohasfinishedschoolwithagreatdealofdebt,andthepaymentsarestartingsoon.Oryoumaybeanolderpersonwhodevotedacareertoacompanyonlytofindyourselfoutofworkandnotknowingwhattodonext.Didyoueverthinkaboutwhyjobhuntingissounappealing?Ratherthanthe
excitementofanewopportunity,orthelearningexperiencethatcomesfrominterviewingandtalkingtonewpeople,mostpeoplecategorizejobhuntingasastressor.Youwon’thearmanypeoplesaying,“Ican’twaittoembarkonthejob-huntprocess!”Or,“IjustlovetherejectionsIgetwhenIamjobhunting!”Mostofthetimeitisunappealingbecauseofthewaypeopletalktothemselvesaboutit.Thefunnythingis,peopleusuallyliketheexperienceofactuallylandingthe
newjob.Theyjustdon’tembracethepathtogettherewithenthusiasmandexcitement!Ifyouarejobhuntingnow,orbelieveyoucouldbeinthefuture,studythis
chaptertofindwaystoturnyourself-talkfromnegativetopositive.Asaresult,you’llexperiencejobhuntinginadifferentlight.
JobHuntingMisconceptions
Nobodylikestobejudged.Butthat’sexactlywhatyoutellyourselftheinterviewerorHumanResourcespersonisdoingastheylookatyourresume.Ifyousubmitaresume,makeaphonecall,orreplytoajobpostingandarenotpickedtomoveforwardintheinterviewprocess,yourself-talkmightbesomethinglikethis:“Idon’thavetheskillsnecessaryanymore.I’mobsolete.I
somethinglikethis:“Idon’thavetheskillsnecessaryanymore.I’mobsolete.Imightneverfindanotherjob.”Yournegativeself-talkmightbeaboutyouandyourcapability.Youmightthink,“Everyoneelsehasaneasytimefindingajob.I’mjustnotgoodatthis.”Oryoumightsay,concerningthepotentialemployer,“WhatwasIthinkingsendingmyresumeintothosejerks?Ihaveheardtheyarerudeandnonresponsive.IguesseverythingI’veheardaboutthemistrue.”Oritmightbeabouttheeconomyingeneral:“Thingsaresobadallaround.Nooneisgettingajob.Theworldisgoingtopot,andI’llprobablyneverworkagain.”
TheRoleofNegativeSelf-Talk
Sometimes,aswe’vesaidearlier,negativeself-talkisusedtobeatuponyourself,butsometimesyoumightbelieveitwillprotectyoufrombeinghurt.Ifyoucanspeaktoyourselfnegativelyaboutthecompanyorpersonwhointerviewedyou,thentheproblem(asyourmindrationalizesit)reallyisn’taboutyou.Thisisthefascinatingthingaboutself-talk:Itcanchangesoyoualwayshaveanexcuseforwhyitisthereandwhyithasthepowertohurtyou.Youmayevensubconsciouslyenjoyitscompany.Andallthewhileitisraisingyouranxietylevelsandunsettlingyourmind.Thereareopportunitiestousemorepositiveself-talktochangeyourattitude
goingintoasituation,andperhapstosteertheoutcomemorepositively,too.Positiveself-talkwillallowyoutofacethesituationsquarelyinsteadofpullingthecoversoveryourheadandstayinginbed.Jobhuntingcanbedifficult,butpositiveself-talkgivesyouatoolwithwhichtocounterthatdifficulty.Ifyouareinajobhuntrightnow,completethefollowingassessmentby
copyingthefollowingquestionsinyourjournalorbyhighlightingYorNontheexampleprovided.Thiswillallowyoutoestablishyourcurrentstate,orcurrentviewsonthejob-huntprocess,soyoucanidentifywhichpartsaremostdifficultforyou:
IknowthetypeofjobIamlookingforandwhereIwouldbeagoodfit Y/N
Ipresentmyselfconfidentlyininterviews Y/N
Ilookforwardtointerviewsandmeetingnewpeople Y/N
Iconsidertheinterviewprocesstobeeasyforme Y/N
Irealizethattheinterviewermaynotbeobjective,butthisdoesn’treflectonme Y/N
IbelievethatthingshappenforareasonsoifIdon’tgetajob,somethingelseiswaiting Y/N
IthinkmyresumeissolidandIdescribemybackgroundwell Y/N
Ifeelgoodaboutmycapabilitiesandthiscomesthroughininterviews Y/N
Nowreviewthislist.Didyouanswer“no”toanyofthesestatements?Whichones?Circleanyofthesentencestowhichyouresponded“no.”Nowinthesectionbelow,writeacoupleofsentencesaboutyourself-talkthatrelatestothesestatements.Whatmightyousaytoyourselfaboutthisaspectofjobhunting?Forexample,ifyousaid“no”to“Iconsidertheinterviewprocesstobeeasy
forme,”youmightwritethatyourself-talksayssomethinglikethis:“Interviewingisreallyhard.Inevercomeacrosswellininterviews.Ialwaysfeelliketheintervieweriswaitingformetomakeamistake.Interviewsareastupidwaytochooseemployeesanyway;thereshouldbemoreemphasisputonlookingatsomeone’sbackgroundontheresume.”Reviewtheentirelist.Identifyalloftheareaswhereyouanswered“no”and
fillinthefollowingwithyourpossibleself-talkrelatedtoeach.Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothis
areaofthejobsearch_____________________________________________________________Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothis
areaofthejobsearch_____________________________________________________________Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothis
areaofthejobsearch_____________________________________________________________Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothis
Categoryfromthelist______________.Whatself-talkIhaverelatedtothisareaofthejobsearch_____________________________________________________________
GetIntotheSceneItcanbehelpfultositdown,closeyoureyes,andpictureyourselftothebestofyourabilityinthistypeofsituationasitmightunfold.“See,”think,orfeelwhatitwaslikethelasttimeyouwentonanintervieworwerepreparingforone.Asyoucreatetheexperienceinyourmind,becomeawareofyourself-talkrelatedtoit.Getasmanyelementsaspossibleinyourmindthatmakeyouthinkandfeelaboutthesituation.Justthinkingabouttheexperiencemaysetyournegativeself-talkinmotion.Captureany“talk”relatedtotheexperienceinyourjournal.
TheSelf-TalkYouEncounter
Nowwritedownyournegativeself-talkassociatedwiththesituationshere.Whatdoyouthink?Howdoyoufeel?Whatwordsdoyouusetoexplaintheresultsyouexpect?Spendafewminutesexploringyourpersonalself-talk.Behonestwithyourselfaboutwhatyousayandwhatyoubelieve.
Minimizingitortryingtoexplainitawayisn’thelpfulasyoupursueapositivechange.Youmustbebrutallyhonestaboutwhatyouthink,thewordsyouuse,andhowthenegativeself-talkcreepsinandinterpretsthesituation.
TurningItAllAround
Onceyouareclearonthenegativewaysyouself-talk,you’rereadytocreatepositiveself-talkandunfoldadifferentsetofexpectationsrelatedtothejobhunt.Thinkofthisasrewritingthescript.Ihopeatthispointyou’verealizedthatself-talkisonlymade-upstoriesinyourmind.Youmightbelievethemtobetrueandarguethattheyarefact-basedorbasedonrealexperiences,butwhat’s
trueandarguethattheyarefact-basedorbasedonrealexperiences,butwhat’shappeningisthatyouareusingnegativeself-talktomakepredictions.Youaregivingtheplay-by-playfromtheannouncer’sboxbeforetheplayhashappened.Youaretellingastorythatmay,ormaynot,betrue.Thenextsteptobegintoturnthisaround,andhavemoreenergyand
confidenceinyourjob-huntprocess,istotelladifferentstory.Onceyouarewillingtoacknowledgethatyoumakeupthecommentarythatplaysinyourmind,youcanacknowledgethatthecommentaryismalleable.Youcanshapeit,andcreateit,inanywayyoudetermine.
TheStep-by-StepProcess
First,takethetimetothinkabouttheintervieworjob-huntprocess.Ifyouhavebeenatitforawhile,orhavehadgenerallybadluckinthepast,youhaveareactiontoit,mostprobablynegative.Youthenbecomeanxiousaboutwhatmighthappentoyou.Youtalktoyourselfabouttheexpectednegativity.Youthenmightencountermorenegativeexperiencesto“prove”toyourselfyouwereright.Yournegativeexperiencespileup,andyoubecomeill-equippedtodealeffectivelywithajobhuntorinterview.Youcanfinddataandfactstosupportwhateverbeliefsystemyouhold.Ifyourbeliefsarenegative,yourmindwillbedrawntothosecircumstancesthatconfirmthenegativity.Infact,eachsituationhasaflipside—thegoodinlifehassomenegativity
containedwithin,andthebadinlifehassomepositiveaspectsassociatedwithit.Inthisexercise,you’regoingtoturnyourmindtowardthepositivestuff.Whenanxietyrulesthedayandnegativeself-talkcompoundsit,thewindowtotheworldismostlynegativeasconfirmation.Bringingapositiveattitudeiscriticaltocopingwithlifeinamorebalancedfashion.Let’schangetheplaysinthestep-by-stepprocess.
StepOne
StepOne
Clearyourmindofanypastexperiencesorthoughtsaboutyourjobhunt.It’sreallyimportanttopushoutofyourmindanynegativeconnections.Yourmindshouldbeablankcanvas,andyoushouldbepaintingthepictureonitinwhatevercolorsyouchoose.Onceyourmindiscleared,usethatspacetofocusonwhatyouwantwithregardtothenextstepinfindingajob.Whatdoessuccesslookliketoyou?Whatkindofjobwouldsuityouwell?Whatwouldmakeyouhappyinthejob-huntingprocess?Capturethosethingsthatwouldmakeyouhappyorbringyoujoy.Beasclearandspecificaspossible.It’simportanttobeclearaboutwhereyouwanttoheadandwhatsuccesswilllookliketoyouonceyougetthere.Takeyourtimewritingthesedown.Writingthingsdownisimportantbecauseitallowsthemindtotakeamentalpictureofwhatyouwant.Itbecomesmoreconcreteandmorebelievablewhenyouseeitinwriting.
StepTwo
Nowdoyourbesttoimagineasuccessfuloutcome.Imagineyourselfinyourjob-huntprocess,sendingoutresumesandgoingoninterviews.Situpconfidentlyasyouimaginethis.Smileandtakeontheauraofsomeonewhoishappyandsuccessfulinthisarea.Thismightrequireclosingyoureyesandsittingquietly.Imaginehowyouwillfeelwithasuccessfuloutcome.Seeyourselfenjoyingtheprocess,talkingtotheinterviewerinaconfidentmanner,takingarejectionletterinstride,andpostingyourresumewithenthusiasmandcommitment.Seeyourself,orthinkabout,networkingandtalkingtoothersinanupbeatandpositivefashion.Seethepositiveoutcomethatyoudesireandhavewrittenaboutforthisprocess.Takeallthetimeyouneedtodothis,untilthispicturefeelsorseemsrealtoyou.
StepThree
StepThree
Nowpracticepositiveself-talk.Choosefromthefollowingpositivestatementstheonesthatmostresonatewithyou.Ifyoudon’tseeastatementthatyoulike,usetheseasaguidelinetowriteyourown.
“Iamjustascapableasanyoneelseininterviewsandinthejob-huntingprocess.”“IhavehadpastsuccessesthatIdrawupontobemoresuccessfulasIsearchformynextjob.Mypastsuccessesinclude_____________________________________________________________.”“Jobhuntingissomethingeveryonehastodoatsomepointinherorhislife.Myexperienceisnodifferentthanmillionsofotherpeople—it’sreallynobigdeal.Everyonegetsthroughit.”“Iknowtherightjobisoutthereforme,andIamconfidentIamgoingtobeled,orwillleadmyself,tofindit.”“Thepersonreadingmyresumeorinterviewingmeisjustanotherhumanbeing.Hehashopesandfearslikeanyoneelse.Hedoesn’tcontrolmylifeormyfeelingsaboutmyself.”“IlearnsomethingfromeveryinterviewIgoon,everyresumeIsend,andeveryconversationIhaveinthejob-huntprocess.Ilookatitasalearningexperience.”“Iamresilientandabletokeepgoingevenifthingsinitiallydon’tgoasIwouldlikethemto.”
StepFour
Nowputthisalltogether.Again,youwillfindaplacetositquietlyandcloseyoureyes.Imagineyouarereachingthejob-huntinggoalsyouhaveset.Youseeyourselfclearlydoingwhatyouneedtodo.Nowusetheself-talkaboveandrepeatthewordsoverandoveragain.It’sveryimportantyouallowyourselftoletthesewordssinkin.Rememberyouaretellingyourselfastory.Youhavethe
powertotalkabouthowthisstorywillunfold.Youarewritingascript,buttheplayhasnotbegun.Youarethedirector,theproducer,andtheactor.Choosethescriptcarefullyandbelieveintheoutcome.Asyougothroughthejob-huntprocess,youmaywanttodothisexercise
severaltimesaday.Eachtimeyoufacedefeat,turntooneofthepositiveself-talkstatementsthathelpyoucopewithit.Asyouprepareforaninterview,sitquietlyandpicturethepositiveoutcomeyouwantasyousayyourpositiveself-talksilentlytoyourself.Saytheself-talkoutloudinthecarasyoudrivetotheinterview.Runthemessagesasmanytimesasyoucan,inabelievableandconfidentmanner.Rememberthatyouarewritingyourownscript.Choosethestorylineswisely.
CASESTUDY
Let’sseehowthisprocessofpositiveself-talkmightplayoutforsomeonelookingforajob.Angieisathirty-eight-year-oldsalesperson.Forthepastsixyears,
she’sbeenemployedbyasoftwarefirm,butamonthagoshewaslaidoff.Angie’sthinkinghasbeendominatedbynegativeself-talk:I’mtoooldtostartagain;Ican’tstandrejection;theindustry’schangingtoofast,andit’shardtokeepup;anewjobmightmeanmovingtoanewcity,andIdon’twanttomove.However,bymovingfromnegativitytopositiveself-talk,shecanstarttoturnthingsaround,understandthepossibilitiesforfutureemployment,andprepareherselfforaproductiveandsuccessfuljobsearch.ThefirstthingAngiedoesisputasideherfeelingsofinadequacy,
anger,andresentment.Nowshestartsfromacleanbeginning:
StepOne
1. Whatdoessuccesslooklike?ToAngie,successmeansfinancialstabilitysoshecanpayherbillsandputmoneybyforretirement;careergrowth,sinceshedoesn’twanttobestuckinthesamejobforever;andpersonalfulfillment,meaningthejobshouldbeinteresting.Shewantsaculturewhereshehasthechancetoaddvalueandbesuccessfulandwhereshecanstayplantedforafewyearstocome.
2. Whatkindofjobwillsuither?Awell-payingjob,whichmeansstartinginthemiddleinsteadofatthebottomofthecareerladder;ajobinthecompanywithalong-termfuture;and,sinceAngiewantschallenges,ajobthatincludessometravel,althoughshedoesn’twanttomovetoanewcityatthemoment.
3. Whatwouldmakeherhappyinthejob-huntingprocess?Angieunderstands(throughherpositiveself-talk)thatsomerejectionisinevitableinajobhunt.Butshewantstogetsomeleadsandhavesomeofthoseleadsturnintointerviews.Shewantstoknowshe’sbeingtakenseriouslyasapotentialemployee.Becausesheisinsales,shewantstomakeconnectionsandnetworkasshemovesthroughtheinterviewprocess.And,ofcourse,ultimatelyshewantstofindtherightjobforher.
StepTwo
1. Networking.Angiethinksaboutnetworkingonlinetogetleadsandpostherresume,carefullyconsideringwhatpartsofherexperiencetoemphasizeforeachjobtowhichsheapplies.
2. Interviewing.Nowshethinksabouttheinterviewsthemselves.Sheseesherself:poised,professionallydressed,confident,answeringtheinterviewer’squestions.Insomecases,shecanimaginetheinterviewerwilltellherthatthey’veselectedanothercandidate,butsheseesherselfacceptingthatnewsandmovingontothenextinterview.
3. Succeeding.NowAngiethinksaboutwhatitwillbelikewhenshegetsthatoffer.Sheimaginesherselfsittinginanofficeacrossthedeskfromamanagerwho’ssaying,“Angie,ourcompanycanusetalentlikeyours.Youhavealottooffer,andIlookforwardtoworkingwithyou.”Angieimaginestellingherfriendsaboutthegreatjobshe’sjustlandedandbreakingthenewstoherfamily.
Asthispositiveself-talkrunsthroughhermind,Angiefindsthatshe’ssittingupstraighterandthatshe’ssmiling.StepThreeNowAngie’sgoingtopracticepositiveself-talk.Shechoosesthe
followingpositivestatementsastheonesthatmostresonatewithher.
“Iamjustascapableasanyoneelseininterviewsandinthejob-huntingprocess.”“Jobhuntingissomethingeveryonehastodoatsomepointinherorhislife.Myexperienceisnodifferentthanmillionsofotherpeople—it’sreallynobigdeal.Everyonegetsthroughit.”“Iknowtherightjobisoutthereforme,andIamconfidentIamgoingtobeled,orwillleadmyself,tofindit.”
StepFourNowAngieputsthisalltogether.Shesitsinacalm,quietplaceand
closeshereyes.Sheimaginesthatshe’sreachingthejob-huntinggoalsshe’sset.Sheseesherselfdoingwhatsheneedstodo.NowsherepeatsthephrasesfromStepThree.Everymorning,beforeshestartsherjobsearch,shegoesthroughthisexercise.Asaresult,shefindssheismoreconfidentininterviewsandmorepositiveaboutthesearch’seventualoutcome;thus,shefeelsheranxietyslowlyfadeaway.IntheenditstilltakesAngiesometimetofindajob.Shegoes
throughsomehardtimes.Butwithherself-talkturnedfromnegativeto
positive,sheisabletoprojectabetterattitude,onefilledwithconfidence.Andthatimpressesacompanyenoughthattheyhirehertoagoodpositionwithasalarytomatch.AndbecauseAngieprojectedanairofconfidencethroughoutherjobsearch,shehasmetmanyotherpeoplealongthewaywhowanttostayintouchwithher.Shemayhavesetherselfupforafutureopportunity,too.
DealingwiththeDifficultOnesontheJob
Therearen’tmanypeoplewhohaven’thadadifficultbossordifficultcoworkersatsomepointintheirjoblives.Sometimesabossletspowergotohisheadandcancausedisruptionasaresult.Sometimescoworkersrelivetheirseventh-gradebullyexperienceandlashoutatyoufornogoodreason.Therearemultiplesituationswheretheworkplacecausesanxietybecausethepeopleinitarewreakinghavoc.Theylimityourabilitytobesuccessfulandeven,insomecases,cancauseyoutolashoutorgetdepressed,creatingadditionalproblemsforyourself.It’simportanttounderstandthatyoucan’tchangeothers.Theonlyactions
andreactionsyoucancontrolareyourown.Nomatterwhatnegativeself-talktellsyou,thatremainstrue.
ChangetheSelf-Talk,ChangethePeople
Insteadofwaitingforsomeunforeseeablepointwhenotherswillchange,it’stimetotaketheprocessintoyourownhands.Thisdoesn’tmeanlashingoutatworkorhurtingsomeoneinyourworkplacetogetsatisfactionandrevenge.Insteaditmeanschangingthetapesorthemessagesyouareplayinginyour
mindaboutyourworkplaceandthepeoplethere.Thevoicethatcomesintotellyouhowawfulthingsareisnotyourfriend.Andyouneedtoshowitthedoor.Becauseunderstandinghownegativeself-talkimpactsusisanecessaryfirst
step,listentowhatyourself-talktellsyouaboutyourboss,yourcoworkers,orthedifficultpeopleyouencounteratwork.Itcouldbecustomerswhomakeyourstomachchurnorvendorswhoberateandupsetyou.Identifythosewithwhomyouhavetheproblemanddeterminewhatproblemyouhavewiththem.
StepOne
Identifythedifficultpersoninyourjournal.Ifyouhavedifficultywithmultiplepeopleinyourworkplace,youmaywanttodothisexerciseanumberoftimes.
StepTwo
Writesomewordsaboutthisperson(orthesepeople).Whatdoyouthinkabouthim/her?Whatwordsdoyouusetodescribehim/herinyourmind?Bringthenegativeself-talkyouhaveabouthim/hertothesurfacenow.Behonestwithyourthoughts.Don’tsugarcoatanddon’tminimize.Ifyou
havestrongfeelings,writethem.Thefeelingsaresufficientlystrongthattheyarehavinganimpactonyou,sowritethemdown.Captureanythingthatbothersyou,troublesyou,orannoysyouaboutthisperson.
BringinginPositiveSelf-Talk
Rememberthatself-talkisliketheannouncerwhoiscallingouttheplaysbeforetheyhaveevenhappened.Inthecaseofadifficultpersonatwork,youhavelikelyhadarealexperiencethatinitiatedandfueledyournegativeself-talk.Thepersonprobablydidsomethingtoyou,treatedyouacertainway,orbehavedina
personprobablydidsomethingtoyou,treatedyouacertainway,orbehavedinamannerthatwasdistasteful.That’sreal.Butnow,becauseyouconnectthispersonwiththisexperience,subconsciouslyyoumaybelievethateverytimeyouinteractwiththepersonyouwillgetthesameresult.Unfortunatelyyournegativeself-talkmay,infact,behelpingthistohappen.
Youhaveanexpectation,basedonsomepastexperience,andonthatbasisyoupredictwhatwillhappeninthefuture.Sinceyourobjectiveistoenjoyyourwork,feelgoodaboutgoingtoyourworkplace,andhavestrongrelationshipswithothers,thisnegativeattitudeisabadthing.Solet’sturnitaround.
StepOne
Acknowledgethatyouhavehadabadexperiencewiththepersononwhomyouarefocusing.Inthespacehere,writewhythatpersonmighthavebehavedinthatwayortreatedyouthewaysheorhedid.Don’tjudge;justrecordthefacts.Insteadofsaying,“Mybossisajerkanddoesn’tcareaboutpeople,”youmightsay,“Mybosshasahardtimemanagingcommunicationwhenhe/sheisupset.He/sheoftencomesoffasangryandscary.”Youaren’texcusingthebehavior;youarejustrelabelingitwithoutthenegativeemotionsothatyoucanhavemoreoptionsindealingwiththepersoneffectively.It’snot“okay”forabosstoyellandhumiliatepeople,andit’snot“okay”foryourcustomertobesexuallyinappropriate.Butajudgmentalinterpretationofthesesituationsmakesitmoredifficultforyoutocope.Youwanttodealwiththepersoninadifferentmanneraltogether.Writeherewhatthebehaviorisorwhatthesituationentailsandforceyourselftothinkaboutitobjectively.Takeyourtimetocaptureasobjectivelyaspossiblewhat’shappeningwiththisindividual.Youmaywanttodothisintwosteps.1.Writethebehavioryouobserveinyourjournal.2.Nowrewriteitasobjectivelyandfactuallyaspossiblewithnojudgmental
orlabelingwords.
It’saboutChoicesWhendealingwithdifficultpeopleintheworkplacedifferently,youarenotexcusingdisrespectfulordamagingcommunicationandbehavior.Instead,youaregivingyourselfoptionstodealwithsomeone.Ifthesituationisuntenable,youalwayshavethechoicetoquitthejob.Ifyournegativeself-talktellsyouthatisn’tanoption,practicepositiveself-talkinsteadandreferbacktothesectiononjobhuntingtobolsteryourconfidence!
StepTwo
Choosesomeoptionsforpositiveself-talkregardingthisperson.Beforeyoudealwiththepersonnext,spendsometimepracticingwithsome
ofthefollowinglanguage.It’shelpfultoreviewwhatyouwroteabouttheperson’sactionsandframehimorherinanobjective,nonjudgmentallight.Trytoremovethestingthatthispersongivesyou.Youranxiousmindisalreadyputtingthispersoninaboxwithapresetreactiononyourpart.Getthispersonoutoftheboxandlookathimorherinadifferentlight.Again,youarenotexcusingbadbehavior;infactyou’retakingstepstoprotectyourmindfromtoxicpeople.Ataminimumyouaregettingachancetomovebackandbemoreobjective.Reviewthefollowinglistandchoosesomeofthefollowinglanguagewhenyoutalktoyourselfabouttheperson.
“Sometimesastressfuljobsituationbringsouttheworstinsomeone.Ratherthanrespondnegatively,Iwanttounderstandwhat’shappeningwiththisperson.Ipracticecompassionandunderstandingwheneverpossible.”“Thispersondoesnotrulemylife.Irulemylife.Icanbecourteousandprofessional,andIdonothavetobeafraidofanyone.”“Imakemyownchoicesabouthowtointeractwithsomeone.IfIdecideIwanttolikethisperson,Icandoso.Iwantmyrelationshipstobeeffective
andfulfilling.”“Workisjustwork.Itisn’tthebe-allandend-allinmylife.Ineedtodoagoodjobformyemployer,butIdon’tneedtoexpendallkindsofemotionalenergyoverthepeopleIworkwith.”“Therearealwaysworsebosses,worsecoworkers,andworsejobsituationsoutthere.TodayIamgoingtofocusonfindingthepositivethingsassociatedwithmywork.”“Iamassertiveandconfidentinmydealingswithothers.IsetboundariesandamclearaboutwhatIneed.”“Ifindmyselfdealingwithothersatworkmoreandmoreeffectivelyallofthetime.Iviewtheminanobjectivefashion,andIseektounderstand.”“Isurroundmyselfwithpositivepeopleatworkwheneverpossible.Iseekthecompanyofthosepeoplewhocanhelpme,encourageme,ormaketheworkplacemorefunandenjoyableforme.”
Action—Reaction:TheViciousCycleSometimesifyouhaveadifferentattitudewhenyouapproachsomeone,youreceiveadifferentresponsefromherorhim.Oftenwebecomestuckinapatternofapproachandresponse,approachandresponse;neitherpartywilldeviatefromhisorherscript.Forthisreason,sometimessimplychangingyourapproachwillchangetheotherperson’sresponse.Ataminimum,itwillallowyoutoseethesituationdifferently.Changinganythinginlifefromthenormalunconsciousresponsesyouhavetomoredeliberateconsciousonesgivesyouachanceatadifferentview.
StepThree
Nowputthisalltogether.Firstgobackandreviewthewayyoutalkedaboutthisperson,usingtheobjectivelanguagefromStepOne.Ifyouseeanythingthatisjudgmental,removethosecomments.Usethisasachancetopracticecompassionandgetintoanotherperson’sproverbialshoes.Mostpeoplewho
compassionandgetintoanotherperson’sproverbialshoes.Mostpeoplewhoengageinnegativebehaviorarehurtingsomehow.Thepersonyou’reinteractingwithmaybeseekingsomethingpositive.Thebosswhoyellsissometimesreallyafraidofbeingseenasaphony.Thecoworkerwhodoesn’tholdupherendoftheprojectcommitmentsmightlacktheknowledgetocompleteherjobsuccessfully.Thecustomerwhoswearsatyoumightbeinthemidstofapersonalcrisis.Understandingthiscanoftenhelpyoulookbeneaththeoutwardbehaviortogetattherootcause.Andinmanycases,youmighthavebeenintheirplaceinapriorsituation.Youmayhaveacteditoutdifferently,butyoucanprobablyrelatetothepaintheyaretryingtoavoidorthefeartheymayfeelthatisdrivingtheiractions.
StepFour
Prepareforthenextinteractionwiththisindividualbyreadingandrereadingsomeofthepositiveself-talkabouttheinteraction.Rememberthatifthepositiveself-talklistedinthissectiondoesn’tfityou,youcanwriteyourown.Beobjectiveandpositive.Ifyougenuinelywanttoshiftthisrelationship,begenuineinyourcomments.
Approachthepersonmoreopenlyandwillingly,whileexpectingapositiveoutcome.Acknowledgethatyouaretiredfromtheanxietygeneratedbythesituationatyourworkplace.Committoachange.Keeprepeatingthecycleuntilitsticks.Thenexttimethepersonengagesin
thebehaviorthattriggersyou,ratherthanbeatinguponyourself,realizethatthisisaprocess.Takeoutyourpositiveself-talkandremindyourselfofyourgoalsinworkingwiththisperson.Thisisforyou.It’stocalmyouranxiousmind.
ResistancetoNegativeFeedbackorWorkplaceConflict
Behavioralresearchhasproventhatonlyabout18percentofthepopulationhasacoretendencytowardconflict.Theyliketodisagreeorargue.Theyenjoytellingsomeonewhat’swrongorwhattheydon’tlike.Thatleavesabout82percentdislikingconflict,tryingtoavoidit—oftenatallcosts.Unfortunately,inmostworksituationsconflictisafactoflife.You,as
supervisorormanager,mayhavetodeliverbadnews.Youmayneedtogivenegativefeedbacktoacolleagueorsubordinate.Or,perhaps,you’retheonereceivingthenegativefeedback.Perhapsaperformanceevaluationdidn’tgoasyouhadhoped,andyoulearnedyouremployerisunhappywithyou.Conflictintheworkplacecanbeanxiety-inducingformanypeople.Thinking
abouttheinteractionbeforehandandruminatingaboutitafterwardprovideyournegativeself-talkwithlotstodrawfrom!Solearningtodealwithconflicteffectivelyisacriticaljob-relatedskill.Hereagain,thekeyischangingyourself-talkfromnegativetopositive.
JustSayWhatYouMean
Therearemanyreasonspeopleavoidconflict.Somepeoplewanttobeliked.Someareafraidthevolatilityofthepersonthey’reinteractingwithwillsparkaconflict.Somedon’tknowwhatwordstouseandmayvacillatefromover-aggressiveintheircommentstooverlyniceandunclear.Itmayfeeleasiertosay“IfIignorethesituation,itwilljustgoaway”or“Nothingisgoingtochangeanywaysowhatdifferencedoesitmake?”Infact,thiswillmakethepotentialforconflictworse.Atsomepointthesituationwillforceyoutoaddressit.Thebenefittolearning
positiveself-talkasatooltoresolveconflictisthatmostpeoplefeelmuchbetteroncetheyhavebeenabletoaddressaproblem,receivecriticism,andthenmoveon.
LearningtoDealEffectivelywithConflict
Ifyouhavedeterminedthisisanareaoffocustoyou,let’swalkthroughthestepstousingpositiveself-talktodealwithconflict.
StepOne
Firstyouwanttoidentifyyourtriggers,thereactionsyouhavetoconflict-inducing,orpotentiallyconflict-inducing,situations.Whatcausesyoutofeelworry,anxiety,orfearwithregardtoconflict?Whathappenstoyouwhenyouarefacedwithaconflict?Doyoulieawakeatnight?Doyougetsweatypalmsorcoldfeet?Doyoucallinsicktoworksoyoudon’thavetodealwithit?Notethesituationsthatarouseanxietyinyou,andhowyoureacttotheminyourjournal.Takeyourtimetothinkaboutthissoyoucancaptureasmanydetailsaspossible.Ifyouaren’tinaconflict-inducingsituationrightnow,thinkaboutonefromyourpast.Thinkabouthowyoureact,whatyourmindandbodydotoyouinresponsetotheconflictorthinkingabouttheconflict.Beasclearaspossibleandcaptureasmuchasyoucan.Themoreyoucaptureinwriting,theeasieritbecomestorecognizesuchasituationthenexttime.
StepTwo
Nowthinkaboutyournegativeself-talk.Whatisitaboutdealingwithconflictorfacingcriticismthatbothersyou?Whatlanguagedoyouusetotalktoyourselfaboutit?Youmightthinkit’sobviouswhatpeoplewouldsayintheseconflictsituations,butdon’tmakethisassumption.Beclearaboutthenegativeself-talkandlistwordsyouuseinyourjournal.
StepThree
Now,afteryoureadtheinstructionsforthisnextstep,sitquietlyforaminute
Now,afteryoureadtheinstructionsforthisnextstep,sitquietlyforaminuteandcloseyoureyes.Getapictureinyourmindofthepositiveoutcomeyoudesire.Whatwouldyouliketohappeninthissituation?Ifyouneedtogivenegativefeedbacktoacoworker,forinstance,wouldyoulikehertosmileandnodandacceptyourcriticism?Ifyouanticipatereceivingnegativefeedbackinaperformancereview,wouldyouliketobeabletositconfidentlyandlistentoyourbossinanunderstandingfashion?Wouldyouliketobemoreobjectiveaboutthesituation?Whateveryouwantasanoutcomethat’sdifferentfromwhathashappenedinthepast,spendsometimepicturingitnow.Feel,think,andimaginehowdifferentlyyouwillfeelonceyouapproachconflictwithmoreconfidence.Dothisuntilyoubegintorealizethatthisoutcomecanmaterializeforyou.
StepFour
Now,practicewithpositiveself-talk.Usesome,orall,ofthefollowingormakeupsomeofyourownthatreinforceyourabilitytodealwiththeconflictandhaveasuccessfuloutcome.
“Conflictisafactoflife.Peopledealwithissuesallofthetime.Icandealprofessionallywithwhatevercomesmyway.”“Iamanadult.I’mnotachild.Beingbulliedoryelledatdoesn’taffectme.Irealizeitistheotherperson’sproblem,notmine.Ratherthangetdefensive,Iseektounderstandwhat’sgoingonwiththatperson.”“Givingandgettingnegativefeedbackorcriticismonlyallowsapersontoimprove.IfIdon’tknowwhat’swrong,orIdon’ttellotherswhat’swrong,howcananyonechange?It’simportanttobehonest.”“Somepeopledon’tmature,anditshowsintheworkplace.IhandlemyselfasanadultandletthebehaviorIdislikeinothersjustrolloffofme.”“Sharingandreceivingnegativefeedbackisimportant.Theissueswon’tgoaway,andwhentheyareraised,theycanbedealtwith.Thereisnothing
worsethanhavingsomethingsimmerandthenexplode.I’drathergetitoverwithandmoveontothenextthing.”“Workiswork.Therearemoreimportantthingstobeupsetaboutinlife.Ihaveanobjectiveviewonwork.Idon’tletitemotionallycarrymeaway.”
Ifitishelpful,youcanuseself-talkaboutaspecificpersonorsituation.Fillintheblanklinesinyourjournalwiththenameornamesofpeopleyouwanttodealwithdifferently.“______________isjustaperson.He/shegetsupeverydayjustlikeIdoand
mightevenwanttodoagoodjob.Beingafraid/fearful/resentfulof______________issilly.I’magrownupandinchargeofmyactionsandreactions.”Practicetheseself-talkoptionsuntilyoufindtheoneoronesthatfityoubest.
Itcanbehelpfultoimagineyourpositiveoutcomeandrepeatsomeoftheseself-talkaffirmationswhileyoudoit.Reinforceandreinforceuntilyoucanownthispositiveapproachtoconflictresolution.Rememberthatyouaremakingadifferentchoice.Rightnowtheconflictis
rulingyou.Thefearofit,thenegativetapesyouplayasaresultofit,theanticipationofit,islimitingyourabilitytobeeffective.Youcanmanageitdifferentlyusingthisprocessandthepositiveself-talk.Theconflictitselfislessimportantthanthestoryyoutellyourselfaboutit.Negativestoriesallowconflicttogrowandflourish.Tellyourselfdifferentstoriesandexperienceadifferentoutcome.
OvercomingtheFearofPublicSpeaking
Inordertoadvanceinmanyjobs,youmustspeakconfidentlyinfrontofgroupsofpeople.Ataminimum,inordertopresentyourcaseaboutsomething,youhavetoknowhowtospeakclearly,confidently,andinamannerthatinspiresconfidenceinothers.Publicspeakingisoneofthetopfearsamongpeopleinour
confidenceinothers.Publicspeakingisoneofthetopfearsamongpeopleinoursociety.Theideaofgettingupinfrontofaroomanddeliveringamessagecanscarethedickensoutofmanypeople.Youmightpictureyourselfforgettingwhatyouaresupposedtosay,fallingoffthestage,orhavingpeoplestareatyoublanklywithalackofinterestor,evenworse,disgust.Thenegativeself-talkkicksin,andyoubecomemoreandmoreanxious.Bythetimeyouspeak,yourpalmsaresweaty,yourheartisracing,andyourstomachisinturmoil.Youmaynothaveajobinwhichyouarerequiredtospeakinfrontofpeople,
butmasteringthisskillopensdoorsandopportunitiesthatmightotherwisebeclosedtoyou.Youmay,inthefuture,beaskedtostateyourfeelingsorideasaboutsomethingtoalargegroup.Itcouldbeatownorneighborhoodmeetingwhereyoutakethemicrophone,oraschoolboardmeetingatwhichyouwanttospeakoutonbehalfofyourchild.Itcouldbeafunctionwhereyoumakeatoasttosomeoneyoucareabout.Therearemanylifescenariosevenoutsideoftheworkplacewheremasteringyourself-talkintherealmofpublicspeakingcanserveyouwell.
LearningtoSpeakClearlyandConfidentlyinPublic
Let’swalkthroughthestepstousingpositiveself-talktocreatearelaxedviewtowardpublicspeaking.
StepOne
Firstyouwanttoidentifyyourtriggers.Whenyouthinkaboutspeakinginpublic,whathappenstoyou?Doyoufeelexcited(“Ican’twaittogetmyideasouttotheaudience”)?Ordoyoutellyourself,“Iamacrummyspeaker—Iamboundtoembarrassmyself”?Thinkaboutanupcomingsituation,apastevent,orjustimagineacircumstancewhereyouhavetospeakinpublic.Becomeawareofwhathappenstoyouphysically.Doyoulieawakeatnight?Doyouget
ofwhathappenstoyouphysically.Doyoulieawakeatnight?Doyougetsweatypalmsorcoldfeet?Noteinyourjournalhowyoureactwhenyouthinkaboutpublicspeaking.Itcanbehelpfultocloseyoureyesforafewminutesandpretendyouhaveanupcomingspeechtomake.Takeyourtimetothinkabouthowyourbodyrespondssoyoucancaptureasmanydetailsaspossibleaboutyourreactions.
StepTwo
Nowthinkaboutyournegativeself-talk.Whatisitaboutspeakinginpublicorinimportantsituationsthatbothersyou?Whatlanguagedoyouusetotalktoyourselfaboutit?Beclearaboutthenegativeself-talkandlistwordsandphrasesyouusehere.Again,takeyourtimetothinkaboutthissoyoucanbesureyouareusingwordsthatarenormalforyou.It’simportantthatyoucanrelatetowhateveryouwrite.
StepThree
Afterreadingtheinstructionsforthisnextstep,takethetimetositquietlyforaminuteandcloseyoureyes.Getapictureinyourmindofthepositiveoutcomeyoudesire.Whatwouldyouliketohavehappeninthissituation?Wouldyouliketoseepeoplenoddingtheirheadsandclappingenthusiasticallyforyou?Imaginethedetailsofthispositiveoutcome.Seeyourselfsmilingandhappyabouttheoutcome.Situpstraightasyouthinkaboutthis—beconfidentinyourbodyevenasyouimaginethescenario.Whateveryouwantasanoutcomethat’sdifferentfromwhathashappenedinthepastorwhatyoumightexpect,spendsometimepicturingitnow.Feel,think,andimaginehowdifferentlyyouwillfeelonceyouapproachpublicspeakingwithmoreconfidence.
StepFour
Nowpracticeyourpositiveself-talk.Usesome,orall,ofthefollowingor
Nowpracticeyourpositiveself-talk.Usesome,orall,ofthefollowingormakeupsomeofyourowntobuildyourconfidence.
“Iamcalmandconfidentwhenitcomestopublicspeaking.IactuallyfindIlikesharingmyideas.MyfocusisontheaudienceandthemessageIwanttodeliver,notonme.Icareabouttheirexperience.”“IpracticewhatIwanttotalkaboutsoIfeelconfidentandateaseonceIspeak.Iprepare.Itakemytimeinadvancetoensureapositiveoutcome.”“NothingisgoingtohappentomethatIcan’tdealwithinthissituation.IcanlaughatanymistakesImightmake.Eventhemostprofessional,talentedpublicspeakersmakemistakes.What’sthebigdeal?IknowwhatIneedtodoandcandealwithanyoutcome.”“IbecomebetterandbetteratpublicspeakingeachtimeIdoit.Ienjoytheopportunitytoimprovemyskillsandbecomemoretalentedatpublicspeaking.”“Icandoanythingthatsomeoneelsecando.Iseepeoplewhospeakallofthetime.Theyarenotbetterorworsethanme.Icandothisjustaseasilyasanyoneelsecandoit.Infact,Ilearnfromwatchingothersandknowwhattodotobeclearandconfidentandtomakeanimpactwithmyspeaking.”“Ifocusonmyaudience.Ifocusonwhattheyneedtolearnfromme.Ifocusonmakingmymessageunderstandableandclear.”
Repeattheseself-talkoptionsuntilyousettleontheoneoronesthatfityouthebest.Imagineyourpositiveoutcomeandrepeatsomeoftheseself-talkaffirmationswhileyoudoit.Reinforceandreinforceuntilyoucanownthispositiveapproachtopublicspeaking.Keeppracticingthepositiveself-talkoptionsuntilyoufindonethatcalms
yourmindandbody.Rememberthatit’simportanttoknowyourtriggers—thewayyouhavehistoricallyreactedtopublicspeaking—sothatwhenyoufeeltriggered,youcanbegintheprocessofpositiveself-talkandpositivevisioningtoseeadifferentoutcome.Usethepositiveself-talkasmuchasyouneedtountil
yourmindiscalmandyoufeelconfidentaboutyournextstepwithpublicspeakingandconveyingtheideasthatareimportanttoyou.
WorkinginDifficultConditions
Intoomanyjobstoday,thereisnotenoughtimetodoallthatisrequiredofyou.Theremayhavebeencutbacksintheworkforce.Whilethenumberofpeoplegoesdown,theamountofworkoftendoesnot.Thepeoplewhoareleftareaskedtotakeonmoreandmore.Becausetheywillbecutnextiftheycan’thandletheincreasedburden,theyoftendon’tfeeltheyareinapositiontosay“no.”Sotheworkcontinuestopileup,andthereisoftennoendinsight.Orperhapsyouareinasituationinwhichtoomuchchangeishappening.
There’safire-drillenvironmentinwhichyoudon’tknowwhattoexpectfromonedaytothenext.Perhapsitseemsasifnooneisinchargeorthatthepeopleinchargedon’tknowwhattheyaredoing.Perhapsyouareinchargebutfeelincapableofmanagingthechangeprocess.Ormaybeyouareinajobsituationinwhichbeingaculturalmisfitiscausing
youstressandangst.Yournaturalbehavioralstyleisnotafitforthejobyouarein,andyoumuststretchtomakeitwork.Youmightbeanoutgoingpeople-personwhoreallywantstobeinsales,butyouneededajobandsofindyourselfworkingwithanalysisandspreadsheets.Youdreadgoingineverydayandbecomedepressedorangry,feelingyourrealtalentsareunappreciated.Possibly,youareapersonwhocarespassionatelyabouttheenvironmentandrecycling,andyetyouworkforanemployerthatisdumpingchemicalsintoanearbyriver.Yourvaluesareindirectconflictwiththoseofyouremployer,andyoufeelmiscastworkingwhereyouare.Alloftheseworksituationscanleadtoananxiousmind.Butitdoesn’thave
tobethatway.Positiveself-talkcanturnthingsaroundforyou.
HateYourJob?YouAreNotAlone!AvarietyofsurveyshaveconfirmedthatmostAmericanshatetheirjobs.Asmuchas84percentofpeoplewouldleavetheircurrentemployeriftheythoughttheycould.Accordingtoonestudy,only5percentofpeoplearesatisfiedorhappyintheirjob.Whatiscausingsomuchunrestanddistress?Itcancertainlybethingslikelowpay,abadboss,ordifficultworkconditions,butnegativeself-talkisattherootofmuchofit.
Positiveself-talkallowsyoutoreframethesituation.Keepthejob,buttalktoyourselfaboutitdifferently.Seeifyoucanchangethecircumstancesbychangingtheself-talk.
ReframetheWorkSituation
Ineveryjobtherearethingsthatyoumightwanttochange.Ifyouweremadekingorqueenofyourworkplacetomorrow,youmighthaveahandylistofwhatyouwoulddoinyournewkingdom.However,it’sunlikelythatanyoneisgoingtoanointyou,soyouhavetoexamineyourotheroptions.Oneistouseself-talktoreframethesituationandlookatitdifferently.Ofcourseyoualwaysreservetherighttofindanewjob.Ifyoudecidetodo
this,referbacktotheearliersectionwithinthischaptertogetsomeideasforpositiveself-talkinthejobsearch.Thisself-talkexerciseisaboutusingpositivetoolstodealwiththeissuesyoumayencounter.Theartofreframing,whichiswhatyouarelearninginthisbookwithyourpositiveself-talk,allowsyoutotakeasituationand,withoutchangingthefactsanddataaboutit,changeyourimpressionorviewpointofit.Thismeansyou’regoingtogointothesameworkenvironmenttomorrowthatyoudidtoday,butyou’llhaveadifferentinterpretationofwhat’shappeningthereanddifferentcopingstrategiestodealwithit.
withit.
AssessingYourCurrentEnvironment
First,it’simportanttounderstandwhat’shappeninginthecurrentworkplaceorjobthatistriggeringyournegativereactions.Sometimes,especiallywithworkwhereyouspendsomuchtimethere,youbecomedesensitizedtowhat’shappeningandbegintobelieveit’syou,orthatallworkplacesarethisbad.Asafirststep,assessthecurrentconditionsinyourworkplace.IdentifywhichofthefollowingfitsyoursituationbycopyingthefollowingquestionsinyourjournalorbyhighlightingYorN:
Thereistoomuchchangeinmyworkplace Y/N
Nooneseemstobeinchargeatmyworkorthoseinchargedon’tknowwhattheyaredoing
Y/N
Iamill-fittodothejobthatIdoanditstressesme Y/N
Ijusthatemyjob Y/N
IcouldnevergeteverythingdoneevenifIworked24/7 Y/N
Myemployerhasunrealisticexpectationsofme Y/N
IdreadMonday(orwhateverdaystartsmyworkweek) Y/N
Ihatethecultureofmyfirm Y/N
Thiscompanytreatspeoplebadlyandhasnoethics Y/N
IwouldleavemyjobtomorrowifIcould Y/N
TheSelf-TalkaboutMyJob
Nowreviewthelistabove.ForwhichstatementsdidyoucircleY?Whatnegativeaspectsofthejoboryourworksituationstoodoutforyou?Doyouhaveageneralizedfeelingofhatingeverything,orareyouupsetaboutspecificthingsthatarehappeningatyourjob?Next,writeyournegativeself-talkassociatedwithyourjob.Reviewthelistor
writeaboutotherthingsthatyouhaven’tidentifiedhere.Beasdetailedasyoucanaboutexamplesofyournegativeself-talk.Whatdoyouthinkaboutyour
job,oryourworkplaceenvironment?Howdoyoufeelaboutit?Whatwordsdoyouusetotalktoyourselfaboutyourjob?
ChangetheFrame
Youmayhavemanycoworkersorcolleagueswhoagreewithyou.Thetalkaboutthebadsituationatworkmightbesoprevalentthateveryonehascometoacceptitasfact.Somethingsmayevenbefactual.Perhapsyouremployerreallyisdumpingthosechemicalsintothewater;clearlyyoudon’twanttoviewthisactionpositively.Theself-talkyouchangehereisnotaboutgivingyourbossorthecompanyyouworkforapassonbadbehavior.Ifyouremployerisengagedinunethical(orevenillegal)behavior,youmaywanttoleavethejoborthoughtfullyconfrontsomeoneabouttheseissues.Butifwhat’shappenedisthatyouhavedevelopedabadattitudeaboutyourwork,thisnextsectionwillbeveryhelpfulforyou.
TheStep-by-StepProcess
Youhavecircledsomethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourworkplace.Takeamomenttoreadtheseagainandbecomeawareofhowthinkingaboutthemtriggersyou.Doyoubecomedepressed?Doyoustarttothink“HowdidIwindupinthissituation?”or“Thereisnowayout”?Noticewhatreactionsyouhavetothinkingaboutyourwork.Captureanythoughtsnow.Ifyoucanwritethenegativeself-talkyouuse,dothatnowtoo.
StepOne
Imaginehowyouwouldliketofeelaboutyourjob.Doyouwanttogointotheofficeorworkplaceeverydayfeelingupbeatandenthusiastic?Createa
theofficeorworkplaceeverydayfeelingupbeatandenthusiastic?Createapictureofhowyou’dliketoapproachwork.Doyoucareifitisfulfilling?Doyouthinkthatyoucanmanagewhatevercomesyourway?Thatyouhavegoodrelationshipswithotherseventhroughturbulence?Whatdoyoustrivetoward,andwhatwouldsuccesslookliketoyou?
StepTwo
Nowtakeaminutetositquietlyandimaginewhatitisliketogetupinthemorningandlovewhatyoudoforaliving.Imagineyouhavethesameattitudegoingtoworkasyouwouldifyouweregoingoutonaweekendtodosomethingyoulove.Takethosesamefeelingsthatyouhavewhenyouareexcitedandenthusiasticaboutsomething,orevenjustfeelingpositiveandenergized,andtransferthemtoyourthoughtsaboutgoingintowork.Itcanbehelpfultocloseyoureyesandpicturethepositivefeelingsinanywayyoucan.However,ifyoudon’twanttodothis,that’sfine.Noteveryone“sees”picturesintheirminds.Justimaginegoodfeelings,ahappyattitudetowardwork,andconfidenceindealingwithwhatevercomesyourwayintheworkplace.
StepThree
Now,practicepositiveself-talk.Readthefollowingphrasesandseewhichonesmostfityouandyoursituationorwhichonesyoucanmostrelatetoandseemthemost“real”toyou.
“MyjobisjustaplaceIgotomakemyliving.Icanchoosetothinkofitasatemporarystop,andthereforefeeldetachedwheneverIwanttoescapefromwhat’shappeningthere.”“Icandealconfidentlyandcompletelywithanythingthatcomesmywayintheworkplace.Afterall,it’sjustwork.”
“Eventhoughmyworkisdemandingandimportant,Iamabletostepback,thinkaboutwhatIneedtodo,andthenapproachmyworkthoughtfullyandconfidently.Iamincontrolofmyactionsandreactions.”“Myattitudemakesallofthedifferenceinmyworkplace.Ichooseapositiveattitudeeveryday.Ichooseanattitudeofwantingtolearn.Ithinkofworkas‘paidlearning.’”“Allworkplaceshaveissues.Minearenoworsethananyoneelse’s.Ichoosetolookatthingsatworkobjectivelyandcalmly.”“Ibelieveinmyself.Ibelieveinmyabilities.IbelieveIcanmakeadifferenceatmyworkplacenomatterhowsmall.Ilookforwaystomakeadifferenceeveryday.”“Attitudeiseverything.Isurroundmyselfwithpositivepeopleatwork.Ifocusonwhat’sgood.Ilookforthesilverliningeveryday.”
StepFour
Nowputthisalltogether.Imagineyouarehappyinyourwork.Youareconfident.Youfeelgoodaboutwhatyoudo—whetheritismakinghamburgersatafast-foodrestaurant,investingmillionsofdollarsinthestockmarket,orlayingbrickforanewapartmentbuilding.Itdoesn’tmatterwhattheworkis;youseeyourselfapproachingworkwithconfidence,withanticipationofpositivethingsthatmighthappen,andwithanattitudeofopennessandlearning.Youcanchoosetheself-talkthatwillmakethesepicturesrealforyou.Reviewtheself-talkaboveandrepeatthewordsoverandoveragain.Letthemsinkin.Thewayyougetupinthemorninganddecidetofacetheworkdaywillhaveeverythingtodowithwhatyouencounterthere.Evenifthingsgo“wrong”(thebossgivesyoumoreworkoryellsatyou;thecomputercrashes;orthetruckyouneedisn’tworking),yourpositiveself-talkcanguideyouthroughthedaytodealwithitallmoreeffectivelyandwithmoreconfidence.Choosingtohaveadifferentattitudetowardworkandmodifyingyourself-
talkaboutitisinyourhands.Ifyou,likemostpeople,spendthemajorityof
talkaboutitisinyourhands.Ifyou,likemostpeople,spendthemajorityofyourtimeatyourworkplace,youmaywanttohaveabetterattitudetowarditandamorefulfillingexperienceofit.Byusingpositiveself-talktowardwork,yougainanewperspectiveandcalmyouranxiousmind.
CHAPTER7
DealingwithLifeChanges,CreatingLifeChanges
Manypeoplewanttomakelifechanges—betheysmallorlarge.Nomatterwhatiscurrentlyhappeninginyourlife,whetheryou’redoingwhatyouloveorstrugglingtofindapaththatfitsyou,settingandachievingpersonalgoalsisanessentialpartofyourgrowthasaperson.Butmakingacovetedchangehappencanbedifficult.Alltoooftenyougetinyourownway.Statisticsshowthatasmanyashalfthepeoplewhosetanewyear’sresolutionabandonitbythesixthmonthofthenewyear.Youprobablywanttoeffectsomesortofchange—mostpeopledo—butlearninghowtosetanobjective,movetowardit,andeventuallymeetthegoalischallengingformany.Forsomepeople,settingthegoalinthefirstplaceisthemostchallengingpartoftheprocess.Youjustcan’tevenfindthetime,space,ormotivationtositdownandfigureoutwhatyoureallywant.You’veheardthatyoushouldtakethetimetowritegoalsdownorspendtimethinkingaboutwhatyoureallywantandwhyyouwantit.Butyoujusthaven’tbeenabletogetmotivatedorfocusedenoughtodoeventhisfirststep.Yourgoalremainsvagueandundefined.Ormaybeyousetthegoal,butthenfindyourselffizzlingoutbeforeyoucan
evenseemoderatechangesstarttohappen.Youbuyexerciseequipmentandnewworkoutclothes,butafterthefirstweek,youneverusethemagain.Youwriteanewresumeandapplyforjobs,butafterthefirstthree“nos,”youabandonthejobsearchentirely.Youstartoutwithgoodintentions,andyoumayeventakesomestepstomoveyouclosertowhereyoueventuallywanttobe,butsomethinghappensalongthewayandtakesyouoffyourtrack.Oftentimeswhatstopsyoufromsettingthegoal,orinterruptsyourprocess,isthenegativeself-talk.Itcanfindallofthereasonswhythepathyouareonisn’tgoingtoleadanywhere.Itcandeteryouandmakeyouwonderwhyyoueverthoughtyou
anywhere.Itcandeteryouandmakeyouwonderwhyyoueverthoughtyoucouldheadinanewdirectioninthefirstplace.Rememberthatnegativeself-talkisverypracticedwithinyoufortellingyouwhatyoucan’tdo.Becauseofthis,inordertomakeanylastinglifechange,youhavetoovercomeyourownpersonalchallengesifyou’regoingtogettoyourdesiredgoal.
ThePowerof(Bad)Habits
Makingachangeisparticularlyhardformanypeoplebecausehumanbeingsarecreaturesofhabit.Peopleoftenpreferthetried-and-truetotheunknown.Somehowthatadage“thedevilweknowisbetterthantheonewedon’t”hasbecomeingrainedinculturalthinking.Manytimeschangeisforceduponyou,anditmaynotbesomethingyou
want.However,lifehandsusnewchallengesallofthetime.Theonlyconstantinlifeischange,soifyouaren’texperiencingsomethingnow,youlikelywillbesometimesoon.Ofcourse,thechangecouldbeforthebetter.Yourreactiontoitdictates
whethernavigatingitiseasyordifficultforyou.Whatyoumaynotrealizeisthattheself-talkaboutchangeandthechoicesyoumakeaboutitwillimpactmuchoftheeventualresult.Whengoingthroughachange,especiallyonethatisthrustuponyou,it’softenhardtomanageself-talk.Youfeela“victim”orhelplessinthefaceofthechange.Youmaynotevenrecognizetheself-talkthataccompanieseverystepyoutakealongtheway.Thefirststepisawareness.Thinkaboutwhetheryouwanttotakechargeofan
upcomingchange.Ifsomethingishappeningandyou’dprefertohaveadifferentexperienceasyougothroughit,self-talkcanbeverypowerful.Similarlyifyouwanttoeffectachangeyou’vebeenhopingtomake,self-talkcanprovidesupportandconfidenceasyoumoveforward.
Self-Talk—withAlltheWrongWords
Theimportantthingtorememberisthatself-talkcanmakeallthedifferenceonewayortheother.Youmaythinkaboutthechangeyouwanttomakeonemomentandbemotivatedtoaction,andthenfindyourselfonthecouchgluedtothetelevisionthenextmoment.Howdoesthathappen?Yourself-talkkickedinandtoldyounottobotherwiththegoal.Youwerefeelingdownanddisconsolateaboutthefutureandwantedtogiveup.Butmaybethenextday,everythingseemedbrighterandyougotbackontrack.Why?Yourpositiveself-talkreenergizedyou.Observehowthismightbehappeningtoyou,whereyouhavegoodintentions
onemomentbutthenanoppositenegativeexperiencethenext.Whenyouarewatchfulaboutit,youmayseethatitoccursmultipletimesthroughouttheday.Forexample,asdiscussedearlier,inanewyearoratabirthdaymanypeoplemakeresolutions.Youmightknowwhatyouwanttoaccomplish—losesomeweight,learnalanguage,takeamuch-desiredtrip—andsoyousetthegoalfortheyear.Whathappensnext?Formanypeople,theself-talkthathasdefeatedyou
beforerearsitsuglyheadagain.“IhaveneverbeenabletotakethattriptoParis.It’ssoexpensive.Whatmademethinkthisyearwouldbedifferent?”Youmayhavewantedtobehealthierthisyearsoyoumakethecommitmenttoeatwell,exercisemore,andlosetheweight.Andyetyoufindyourselfsittingatthekitchentableeatingaboxofcookieswithnegativeself-talkasyourcompanysaying,“ThisweighthasbeenonsinceIhadmylastchild,seventeenyearsago.I’molder.It’snevergoingtoleaveme.Imayaswelljusthaveanothercookie.Tomorrowisanotherday.”Thissortofthinghappenstoeveryone.Negativeself-talkcontinuestobring
youbacktoyourfailures.Itwantstokeepyoustuckinthegrooveyouhavebeenin.Thisiswhymakingacovetedchangecanbehard—yourself-talkdoesn’tsetyouupforsuccess.
Self-TalkastheSolution
Ifyouarecommittedtomakingachangeandreadytotakechargeofthisaspectofyourlife,let’slookathowself-talkcanbemanagedandusedtohelpyounavigateanundesiredchange,ormoveinaconfidentdirectiontowardadesiredone.Infact,themostimportantchangeyouwillmakeistotakechargeofyourself-talk.Whycontinuetobedraggeddownbythisnegativitywhenyoucanchangethestoryyoutellyourselftosomethingmorepositive,morebeneficial,thatgivesyoutheenergyanddrivetomoveforward?First,tellthatinnervoicethatyouaren’tlisteningtonegativityanymore.The
onlyvoicesyouwanttolistentoaretheonesguidingyouandtellingyouwhereyouneedtogoandwhat’sgoodforyou.Youcanselectwhatyouwillfocusonandwhatyouwillsaytoyourself.Youcanchoosetolistenonlytothosevoicesthattellyouhealthy,positivethingsthatpropelyouforward.Uninvitethosenegativenaysayersandinviteinthevoiceswhosay“Iammovingforward.Iamtakingtherightstepseverydaytowardmygoals.IamenergizedandenthusedaboutwhereIamgoingnext!”
StepOne
Youwanttoknowwhereyouaregoing.What’sthegoalyoudesire?First,identify,inwriting,whatyou’dliketoaccomplishorwhatanewyouwouldlooklikeorbeexperiencing.Lookatwhat’shappeningnow.Identifyspecificallywhatyou’dliketochange.Catchyourselfandreviewyourthoughtsrightnow.Inthismoment.Didyou
think,Thisneverworksforme!Infact,Ihatewritingthingsdown.Ordidyouthink,Iamfinallygoingtofocusonthis!Alldaylongwehaveaconversationwithourselveswithoutevenknowingwearedoingit.Beforeyougoanyfurther,deliberatelysuspendyourthinking.Howdoyoudo
Beforeyougoanyfurther,deliberatelysuspendyourthinking.Howdoyoudothis?Byclearingyourmindofanythoughts—goodorbad.Itmeansnotmentallyrunningaheadandthinkingaboutwhat’snextorruminatingoverwhatishappeningrightnow.Letanythoughtsyouhaveflowthrough,asifyourmindisasieve,leavingyouopenandreceptive.Readthewordswrittenherebutdon’tdwelltoolongonthem.Don’tjudgeanythingortalktoyourselfaboutit.Ifyoufindyourselftalking,orreacting,reviewwhatyoulearnedinChapter3aboutrecognition.Muchofthepracticetoturnnegativeself-talkintopositiveself-talkistorecognize,choosetosuspendjudgment,andthenbedeliberateaboutwhatyouwantyourmindtofocuson.Nowproceedwiththeassessment.Usingyourjournalornotesfeature,fillinthefollowinginasmuchdetailas
youcanaboutthechangeyouwanttomake
1. IfIcouldchangeanythinginmylife,Iwouldchange:2. IfIdidwhatIwanttodo,successwouldlooklikethistome:
Nowsitquietly.Ifyouwantto,closeyoureyes.Takeamomenttopictureinyourmindwhatthisgoalorchangedstatelooksliketoyou.Howdoyoufeelaboutit?Whatdoyouthinkaboutonceyou’vereachedthischangedstate?What’shappeningthere?Whatemotionsdoyouassociatewithit?Ifyoucan,writedownsomequalitativeandquantitativethingsthatwillhappenonceyougettothisnewstate.
StepTwo
Nowlet’sexploreyourself-talkaroundgoalsettingandchangemanagement.Youhaveidentifiedyourgoal.Youhaveputitinwritingandcanvisionitsomehowforyourfuture.It’stimetoassesswhatyourself-talksaysaboutyourabilitytomeetthisgoalandbesuccessful.Todothisexercise,besureyouareinaplacewithnodistractions.Youneed
sometimetofocus,sodon’tstartthiswhenyou’vegoterrandstorunorsomeonemightringyourdoorbellorcallyourphone.Asyouthinkaboutthis
someonemightringyourdoorbellorcallyourphone.Asyouthinkaboutthisgoalandimaginethechangeyouwanttomake,listthefollowingideas.
1. Myworriesaboutmakingthischangeinclude:2. Mybiggestfearaboutthischangeis:3. ThewordsIusetodescribemyfear/worry/concernaboutthischange
include:
Acknowledgethattheseareyourobstacles.Youwanttoownthembutthenreleasethem.Lookatthelistofthingsyouhavewrittenandsaytoyourself,“Iusedtoworryaboutthesethings.Myattitudeisshifting,andIhaveadifferentbeliefsystemnow.Myself-talkaboutmakingadesiredchangeispositiveandenergizingtome.”Next,identifyspecificallywhyyoucanmakethischangehappenandwhyit
willworkforyou.Ifthechangeisimportanttoyou,therearereasonsyoubelieveyoucandoit,andyouwanttodoit.
1. I’mconfidentIcanmakethischangebecause:2. Ihavedonesimilarthingsinthepastlike:3. Thisisanimportantchangeformetomakebecause:
Nowlookatbothlists.Circleorhighlightthosewordsthatresonatewithyou—thosethatarenegativeandthosethatarepositive.Choosethewordsthattriggeryouthemosttothepointthatyouhaveavisceralreactiontothem.Thinkaboutwhatthesewordsmeantoyou.Whatassociationscometoyoufromthesewords?Aretheyformedbygoodorbadpastexperiences?Thinkaboutwhytheyhaveaweightwithyou.Writeanythoughtsaboutthosewordsinyourjournalorinthenotesfeatureofyoure-reader.Mynegativetriggers:Mypositivetriggers:Youespeciallywanttotakenoteofthosenegativetriggers.Thosewordsmay
creepinatsomepointtotellyouwhythisisn’tgoingtoworkandpersuadeyou
creepinatsomepointtotellyouwhythisisn’tgoingtoworkandpersuadeyouthatyouneedn’tevenbothertrying.Fromnowon,youwillbeattunedtothem.Everytimeyouhearone,youmustmakeaconsciousdecisiontorejectit.Ifnegativeself-talkstartstocreepin,youcansay,forexample,“IusedtoworrythatIdidnothaveself-confidence,butmybeliefsystemhaschanged.NowIknowIamconfidentenoughtomakearrangementstotraveltoParisonmyown.”Usewhateverwordsfityoursituation.Keepnoticingthenegativewordsandideasandreplacingthemwithyourpositivewords.Referbacktoyourlistsasoftenasnecessarytoensureyouarepullinginwordsandthemesthatarealreadytriggersforyou.
StepThree
Nowitistimetoexaminewhatchoicesyouhavetohelpyoumanagethischangeorgettothisdesiredgoal.Getverypracticalhere.Whatcanyoudotoobviateyourworries?Whattoolsorresourcesmightyouhavethatwillhelpyouonyourjourney?Youwillwanttousepositiveself-talktotellyourselfyouareresourceful,youareabletofindsolutions,andyoucanfigureoutthenecessarystepsyouneed.Youcanmanagethis!Makealist:
1. WhatIcandotoovercomemyconcerns:2. Thetools/resourcesIpossess:
StoppingNegativityinItsTracksPartofthepowerofpositiveself-talkishavingsomethingtooffsetanegativethoughtornegativereaction.Asyoumovealongthepathofchange,aworrywillpopintoyourmind.“Ican’tdothis.It’stoohard.”Haveyourlistinfrontofyou.Whatcanyoudotoovercomeaworry?Whattoolsdoyoupossess?Usetheselistsasyourguideposts.Keepthemclosebysoyoucangrabthemwheneveryouneedthem.Whenthenegativeself-talkcomesin(anditwillcomein,sobeprepared!),youhaveoffsettingideastodealwithit.
in,sobeprepared!),youhaveoffsettingideastodealwithit.
CASESTUDY
Let’sconsiderJocelyn,asinglemother,forty-sixyearsoldwithtwochildren.Latelyshe’sstartedtofeeloutofbreathandoutofshape.Soonherlastbirthdayshetoldherself,“I’mgoingtoloseweight.I’mgoingtogotothegymregularly,eathealthyfood,andfindaphysicallyandmentallychallenginghobby.”It’stwomonthslater,andshe’ssittingatthekitchentable,feeling
gloomyandoutofsorts.Infrontofherisaboxofcookies,mostofthemgone.Whathappened?Negativeself-talk,that’swhat.Jocelynwasallsettomakeabig
changeinherlifestyle,andthenshebegantotellherself,“ThisweighthasbeenonsinceIhadmylastchild,seventeenyearsago.I’molder.It’snevergoingtoleaveme.Imayaswelljusthaveanothercookie.Tomorrowisanotherday.”Jocelynhasletherselfbeguidedbyhernegativeself-talk.Butthe
changeinherlifeistooimportantforhertoputitoffanylonger.Instead,sheresolvestotellthatinnervoicethatshe’snotlisteningtonegativityanymore.Instead,sherealizesthatshecanproactivelyselectwhatshewillfocusonandwhatshewillsaytoherself.Shewilllistenonlytothosevoicesthattellherhealthy,positivethingsthatpropelherforward.Shesaystoherself,“Iammovingforward.Iamtakingtherightstepseverydaytowardmygoals.IamenergizedandenthusedaboutwhereIamgoingnext!”
NowJocelynsetshergoal.Shethinks,Iwanttobetwenty-fivepoundslighter.Ialsowanttobefitter.Iwanttogoupaflightofstairswithoutpuffing.AndIwanttolookgoodinanicedress.Iwanttobeabletobuyprettyclothes,notshapelessonesthathidemyfigure.AndIwantpeopletonoticemeandthinkabouthowgreatIlook.Ofcourse,onepartofhermindsays,“Thisneverworksforme!These
areimpossiblegoals.”Butthestrongervoice,theoneJocelynchoosestolistento,says,“Iamfinallygoingtofocusonthis!Myhealthisimportant,andI’mgoingtobehappierwhenIlosethisweightandhaveahealthylifestyle.”Jocelynreviewsherlisttoseewhatchoicesshehasandhowpositive
self-talkcanhelpher.Inthepastwhenshewastiredordepressed,shesatdowninher
kitchenandate—usuallysomethingunhealthy.Nowshe’sgoingtomakeadifferentchoice.She’sgoingtoleavethekitchenandtakeawalk.Whenshe’supsetaboutsomethingorfeelingdown,sheputsonearphones,listenstoupbeatmusic,walksoutthedoortogetexercise,andremindsherselfaboutherweightlossgoal.Asshedoesso,shetellsherself,“Thisisgoodforme.I’menergized.I
canfeelthecaloriesburningaway.Icanfeelmyheartandmyothermusclesworking,toning,makingmestronger.”Jocelynhasstartedtomovefromadefeatedstance,toamorepositive,
“WhatcanIdonext?”approach.Eachtimeshefeelslikegivingin,shethinksabouttheoptionsshehasavailable.Shekeepsalistofthemonherrefrigeratordoorsoshecanrefertothemeasily.Afteracoupleofdaysofthinking(andexercising),Jocelyn’slist
lookslikethis:
WhatIcandotoovercomemyconcerns:
EverytimeIfeelcompelledtoeatfoodthatisn’tgoodforme,Itakeawalkinstead.Icanremovefatteningfoodfrommycupboards.Icanbeamoredeliberateshopperandchoosesnacksandfoodthatarehealthyforme.Icanfindabuddytoexercisewith.
Thetools/resourcesIpossess:
Thepowerofmymind—Icansaymorepositivethingslike:“Weightlossisaprocess.EverydayItakeonestepclosertomygoal.”Or,“Imakegooddecisionswhenitcomestofoodchoices.”Accesstonutritionalwebsites(JocelynlistssomeURLshereforeasyconvenience)
TheitemsonthelistserveasJocelyn’sguideposts,showingherthepathtohergoal,givinghercomfort,andremindinghershecandoit.She’seliminatedthosenegativevoicesbyreplacingthemwithpositive,morepowerfuloptions.
FindingYourBliss
Next,let’slookatanotheraspectoflifechangeandthenreviewhowyoucantakechargeofyourself-talktobreakthroughonceandforall.Let’sexaminedealingwithlifedisappointments,uncoveringroadblocks,andidentifyingyourbliss.Itseemsformanypeoplelifeisaseriesofonedisappointmentafteranother.
Haveyoueversaidtoyourself,“IfIdidn’thavebadluck,I’dhavenoluckatall”?Youmightsetoutwithpositiveintentionandbeupbeatandexcitedabout
all”?Youmightsetoutwithpositiveintentionandbeupbeatandexcitedaboutwhat’snext,butthenfindyourselfdealingwiththesamesetbackoverandover.Forsomepeoplethiscanoccurwhentheyaremovingfromjobtojob,neverfindingthatrightfitforthem.Forothers,itmanifestsasyo-yodieting,watchingthatweightgoupanddownfrommonthtomonth.Somepeoplestruggletofindtheloveoftheirlifeonlytorealizethatpersonwasn’ttherightoneafterall.Manypeople,facedwiththis,wonder“What’swrongwithme?”orblametheworldfortheirtrouble.Ifyoudon’tfeelthejoiedevivreinyourlife,it’stimetousethepowerof
self-talktogetoffthesidelinesandstartenjoyingyourblissinlife.Let’slookatstepsyoucantaketofindyourpersonalbliss:theplacewhereyoufeelcontent,andhappywithyourlife.Itisattainable,butonlybyusingpositiveself-talkandfocusingonwhat’sworking.
StepOne
Whatisyourbliss?Howwouldyoudefineit?Whatwouldmakeyougetupinthemorningandfeellikesingingwiththebirds?Evenifyouhavesetyourgoalsandaremovingconfidentlyinthedirectionofyourdreams,youwanttoknowwhatyourblisslookslike.Blissisdefinedastheplacewhereyoufeelcontent,peaceful,andhaveasenseofjoy.Itisthedifferencebetweenmovingawayfromsomethingandmovingtowardsomething.Asafirststep,youwanttoidentifywhatyouwanttomovetoward.Whatdrawsyou?Beclearaboutwhatyoureallycareabout,andwhereyouwanttobe.Definingyour“bliss”canbehard.Mostpeopleknowwhattheydon’twant,butdon’ttakethetimetothinkaboutwhattheydowant.Takethetimetopictureyourbliss—defineit.Now,turntothedisappointment(s)youmayhavesufferedandwhereyour
questforblisshashistoricallygoneawry.Whathappened?Writeitdowninyourjournal:
1. IthoughtIwasgoingtoachieve/accomplish/getthis...2. InsteadIgotthis...
Reviewthestepsyoutooktogetwhereyouthoughtwouldbegoodforyou.Wasthereacertainpointatwhichtheprocessstartedtogoawry?Canyoudiagnosewhereyouwentofftrack?Whatself-talkaccompaniedtheprocess?Thinkaboutwhatyoubelievedaboutyourgoal:
1. IfeltconfidentIwasdoingtherightthingbecause...2. Ibelievethisaboutmyjourney...
It’simportanttouncoveryourbeliefsaboutyourselfandaboutlife.Sometimestheseareself-limitingthoughtsandbehaviorsthatstopusbeforeweevenstartanewjourney.Don’thesitatetolookatthese.It’simportanttobringthemtothesurfaceandexaminethem.Don’trejectthemorsay,“Ishouldn’tthinkthisway.”Insteadbringthemupsoyoucanformallyuninvitethem!
StepTwo
Settheobjectivedifferentlythistime.Insteadoffindingtheloveofyourlife,thejobyoudesire,orthelifestyleyouwant,lookatthebigpicture.Whatmakesyouhappy?Whydoyoudesirecertainthings?Whatreallymatterstoyou?Let’stakealoveinterest.Somepeoplemightsay,“Ijustwanttomeet
someone.Iamtiredofbeingalone.”Thisisarecipefortrouble.Ifyousettleforsomeone—anyone—itwon’tbelongbeforeyoufindoutthatthispersonisnotwhatyouwantedafterall.Thatprovidesanopeningforyournegativeself-talk.Littlevoicesstarttowhisperthatyoujustcan’tattractagoodmate.It’sbettertobeclearfromthestartaboutwhatyouwant.Whatqualitiesina
lovedonereallymattertoyou?Whatdoyouwanthimtocareabout?Whatvaluesdoyouwanthertohave?Whatdoyouwanttodotogether?Whatquestionsdoyouwanttoaskher?Whatdoyouwantyourparentstothinkwhentheymeethim?Paintapicturethatisclearandspecificandthattakesinto
theymeethim?Paintapicturethatisclearandspecificandthattakesintoaccountproblemsanddisappointmentsfromyourpast.Writeyourthoughtsabouthowyouwouldlikeittolookinyourjournal.Nowchoosepositiveself-talktohelpguideyouandkeepyouontrack.
Reviewthelisthere,ormakeupafewstatementsofyourown.
“Imovewithintentiontowardmydreams.”“Iamabletoreachablissfulplaceinmylife.”“Ideservetobehappy.Imovetowardhappinesseveryday.”“Iamcarefulaboutmychoices.Idothingsthatbenefitmeandmovemeclosertomybliss.”“Icanchoosetobehappynow.”“Happinessisastateofmind.Mystateofmindisfocusedonhappiness.”
StepThree
Nowputitalltogether.First,besuretopostyourdesiredoutcomewhereyoucanviewitoften.Cutoutpicturesofyourbliss.Haveascreensaveronyourcomputerortabletthatremindsyouofwhatyouhopetoachievewhenyoureachyourownpersonalnirvana.Rememberthatyourblisscouldcomefrommasteringpositiveself-talkandlearningtotakelifemorepositivelyoverall,withoutreallychanginganythingexceptyourmindsetandresponsestolife.Spendaminimumoffifteenminutesthreetimesadaysittingquietlyand
sayingyourpositiveself-talkstatements.Ifyoucanfindaquietspotandcloseyoureyes,trytorelaxandfocusyourmindonwhatyoudowant.Focusonwhereyouwanttobeandthegoodfeelingsandthoughtsyouwillhaveonceyougetthere.Imagineyourselfinablissfulstate,feelinggoodaboutlifeandgoodaboutwhereyouare.Keepthepositiveself-talkgoingatalltimes.Carrytheaffirmationswithyou
toremindyourselfwhenyouneedthem.Whenyoufeelyourselfindangerofgivingintonegativeself-talk,makeaconsciouschoicetostop.Becomeaware
givingintonegativeself-talk,makeaconsciouschoicetostop.Becomeawareofthelanguageyouusethatdefeatsyou.Sometimesitcanbeusefultohaveaphysicalinterruptiontonegativeself-
talk.Whenyourecognizethatthosebadvoiceshavetakenover,shakeyourbodyasifyouwereliterallyshakingoffthenegativityandallowingyourselftoopentomorepositiveoptions.Youcanalsojumpupanddowntoreleasethenegativeself-talk.Imaginethatyouareaduckandyouarecoveredwithwater.Shakeyourfeathersandyourtailtogetthewateroff.Itdoesn’tmatterifyou’resittingdownorstandingup.Shake,shake,shakeuntilyoufeelthenegativityreleasing.Then,veryimportantly,replaceitwiththepositiveself-talksuggestionsyouhaveworkedon.Whateveryoudo,dosomethingphysicaltosendamessagetoyourmindfrom
yourbody,becausethenegativecyclehastobebroken.Rememberthat,totakeonanewhabit,youmayhavetospendaminimumof
twenty-onedaysconsistentlypracticingit.Especiallywhenitcomestofindingyourbliss,itwon’tchangeovernight.Youwillwanttocontinuetopracticeandreinforceyournewbehaviorseverychanceyougetinordertoworktowardtheblissfulstateyoudesire.
CHAPTER8
ManagingStressfulSituations
Formanypeopleexperiencingstressseemsasnaturalaseatingorsleeping.Infact,overeating,sleeplessnights,andachesandpainsareoftenadirectresultofstress.Whilesomestressisinnate—thinkaboutthefight-or-flightresponseallhumanbeingspossess—alotofthestressyouexperiencezapsyourenergyandmakesyoulesseffective.Ifyouwereexperiencingappropriatestresslevels,youwouldstillhaveenergyforotherthings.Unfortunately,asaresultofunwantedstress,youmaybeburningthroughyourenergy,feelingasdrainedasadishragmostofthetime.Whendifficultsituationsarise,youcannotcopebecauseyouareexhaustedanddepleted.Theissueofself-talkrelatedtostressisabitlikethechickenandtheegg.
Whichcomesfirst?Doesyournegativeself-talkraiseyouranxietyandresultingstresslevels,ordoestheexistenceofstressinyourlifeleadtonegativeself-talkandself-flagellation?Whileitcanbeinterestingtoponder,it’snotimportanttosolvethisproblem—weknowtheybothfeedononeanother.Whatisimportantistofigureoutwhat’striggeringthestress.That’stheplacewherenegativeself-talkstartsinandleadsyoudownanegativepath,resultinginmoreandmorestress.Youknowbynowthatyournegativeself-talkhurtsthesituation.Itclouds
yourviewandlimitsyouroptions.Youalsoknowthatonceyouidentifyyourtriggers,youcanseewhennegativeself-talkstarts,stopitinitstracks,turnitintopositiveself-talk,andgiveyourselfmoreoptionsformanagingstress.
WatchingItUnfold
Thinkaboutasituationthatcausesyousomeanxiety.Youknowthefeeling—youbegintogetnervous.Yourpalmsmightgetsweaty.Yourbreathingbecomesshallowandrapid.Youmayhaveanervoustic,orperhapsyoubiteyourfingernails.Youmaytalktoofastorbeunabletospeakcoherently.Youmaybegintoimagineterriblethingshappening.Yourpulsequickensandyourthroattightenseventhoughnothingappearstobewrong.Thisishowstressworks.Youmayneversaytoyourself,“I’mstressed.”You
maynotnoticehowstressbuildsovertimeandtakesmoreandmoreofyourenergyaway.Youjustrealizeatsomepointthatyoufeelawful.Theheadachestakeatoll;youpoptoomanystomachacidpills;andyoucan’tfallasleepatnightnomatterwhatyoutry.
Say“Hello!”toYourNegativeSelf-Talk
Negativeself-talklovesstress.Itlovestofeedonstressfulsituationsandusethemtotellyouwhyyourlifeisamess.It’sacuriousdynamic.Youmightthinkyournegativeself-talkgivesyouideasforgettingoutofthestress,thatitisacompaniontohelpyouanalyzewhat’sgoingon.Butinrealitythenegativeself-talkfeedsonyourstressfulstate,andyourstressfulstateincreaseswiththenegativeself-talk.Youloseyourabilitytodealeffectivelywithlife.It’simportanttonoticewherenegativeself-talkkicksinduringtimesofstress
sothatyoucancatchitandturnyourattentiontomorepositiveself-talk.Let’slookatanumberofsituationsthatpeopledealwithrelatedtostress.
ActingOutStress
Inmanypanicattacks,stressmanifestsinaphysicalform.Youfeelacrushingweightonyourchestasifyouarehavingaheartattack.Youmayperspireorbreatheinanexaggeratedfashion.Youmaydeveloptics,tapyourfingers
breatheinanexaggeratedfashion.Youmaydeveloptics,tapyourfingersrapidly,orconstantlycrossanduncrossyourlegs.Whicheveroftheseexperiencesyoumayrelateto,theyhaveonethingincommon—yourbodygetsinvolved.Youhaveaphysicalreactionorsensationinresponsetothestressthat’sdrivingyou.Ifyouwereabletostepoutsideyourbody,forexample,youcouldseethenervoustic.Youcouldseeyourselfgrabyourchestasyoutrytoalleviatethecrushingweightyoufeel.Thegoodnewsisthatyoucanbegintoseeyourpatterns.Youcanbeginto
diagnosehowyouandyourbodyreacttothestressfulstate.Thinkaboutyourstressfulreactions.Whathappenstoyou,physically,when
yougetsostressedorsopanickedthatyouareunabletofunction?Writeitdown.Forexample,youmightwrite,“IhaverandompanicattackswhenIamdrivingonthehighwaylateatnight.Istarttoperspireandhyperventilate.IhavetoopenthewindowandletairinbecauseIbecomeoverheatedandhaveahardtimefocusingondriving.”Writeanythingyouareawareofinyourjournal.Ifyouaren’tsurehowyoureact,carryasmallnotebookortypenotesonyour
smartphoneorsomeotherdevice.Whenyourecognizeaphysicalreactioncomingon,notewhathappens.Howdoyoureact?Whatfeelingsdoyouhave?Whatphysicalreactionoccurs?Notetheseastheyhappenandlookforpatterns.Don’tdiagnosethe“why”;justobservewhathappenssoyoucanbecomemorefamiliarwithyourownpatterns.
RecognizingtheSigns
It’shardto“stepoutside”yourselfandpullbackonceyouarefullyinthegripofthestressfulstate.Forthisreason,youshouldworkonrecognizingtheonsetofthephysicalsymptoms.Youwanttoknowwhenthepressureisbeginningtomount.Youwanttorealizethatyourstresslevelsareescalatingsoyoucanmakedifferentchoices—butinordertorealizeit,youmustrecognizehowitmanifests
differentchoices—butinordertorealizeit,youmustrecognizehowitmanifestswithinyou.Thereisnoone-size-fits-allapproach.Youmustbeabletodiagnoseorassess
howsituationsimpactyou.Onlywhenyouareabletoseewhathappenstoyoucanyoudecidetomakedifferentchoicesandbringpositiveself-talkintohelpyou.Onceyouhaverecognizedthephysicalreactions,backuptowhattriggers
them.Youhavelearnedalotabouttriggersinthisbook,andyoushouldcontinuetoquestionyourtriggersthatstarttopullyoudowntheproverbialrabbitholeandintoincreasinglynegativeself-talk.Thinkaboutthesituationsthatstressyou.Whathappensrightbeforeyoustarttohavethephysicalreactions?Doyouthinkaboutsomething?Doyouexperiencesomething?Doessomethinggowrong?Oraretheysimplyrandom?Youcan’treallypinpointwhatstartsthecycleandallowsyournegativeresponsestocomeuponyou?Therearenorightorwronganswershere.It’swhatyouexperience.Noteanythingyouareawareofinyourjournal.
HoldingYourNegativeReactionsAccountable
Next,thinkaboutthesenegativereactionsas“visitors.”Thephysicalreactionsyouhavearetemporaryresidentsinyourbody,buttheydon’treallybelongtoyou.Thesituationsmaybereal,butthestressfulautomaticresponsesarenot.Thesearelearnedbehaviors.Theyarereactionsyouhavepracticedandyouhavebeguntowearasyourown,butyoucanchooseatanytimetouninvitethemandmakeadifferentchoice.Positiveself-talkcanhelpyoudothis.Whenitcomestostress,herearesomeofthepositiveself-talkoptionsyou
haveavailabletoyou.Youwillwanttocalluponthesewhenyouknowyouareenteringintoastressfulsituationorwhenyourbodyremindsyouthatanegativevisitorhastakenupresidencethere.
StepOne
Reviewthislistandcirclethosepositiveself-talkstatementsthathavemeaningtoyou.Asyoureadeachline,whichonesinducepeaceforyou?Whichonesresonatewithyouandseemtocalmyou?Whichonescanyoujustrelateto?
“Thistooshallpass.Thisisapointintime;itisn’tmywholelife.”“IambiggerthananysituationIface.Iwasmadetodealwithmylifeandeverythingthatcomestome.”“Iamcalm.Iamconfident.Icontrolmyownreactions.”“Gettinguptightdoesn’thelpme.Itbringsmedown.Imakedifferentchoicesnow.”“Ihavethechoicetotakedeepbreaths.Slowlybreathingin,slowlybreathingout.Eachbreathoutremovesthetoxinfrommybody,andeachbreathinreplacesitwithcalming,healingcomfort.”“EverytimeIgiveintoanxietyandstress,Ilosemyedge.Ikeepmyedgeandamincontrol.”“Igointomypersonalzone.Iamstrong.Iaminchargeofmylifeandmyreactions.”“Thenegativefeelingsthatvisitmedon’tbelongtome.Iuninvitethem.Iinviteinonlypositive,healthyreactions.Mybodyisclear;mymindisclear;andIfeelgood.”
StepTwo
Asyoureviewthislistofpositiveself-talkoptions,circletheonesthatresonatewithyou.Ifnoneseemtofit,writeavariationofanyofthemthatfeelsmorealignedwithyou.Youwillwanttopracticetheseuntiltheybecomemantrasforyou.Inothercaseswithinthisbook,youhavelookedatsomespecificsituationsforwhichyoumightbeabletoprepareorhaveaplaninadvance.Inthecaseofpanicattacks,generalizedanxietydisorder,OCD,orthe
advance.Inthecaseofpanicattacks,generalizedanxietydisorder,OCD,orthelike,youmaynotknowwhenthestresswillcomeuponyou.Youcouldbewalkingdownthestreetonabeautifulsunnyday,andallofasuddenthepanicattackjumpsyoufrombehind.Becauseofthis,it’simportanttodevelopamantra.It’simportanttohavesomepositiveself-talkstandingattheready,waitingforyoutocalluponit.Workinwaysthroughoutyourdaytopracticethesemantrassoyouareina
positiontocalluponthematanypointintime.Becauseyouwillneedtocloseyoureyes,readtheseinstructionsthroughacoupleoftimessoyouknowwhattodo.Whenyouareready,beginthisexercise.Thisonerequiresanongoingcommitment.Becauseyoudon’tknowwhenyouwillneedit,youmustpracticethe“waiting”andpreparingeveryday.
StepThree
Findaquietplacetositdownforafewminuteseachday.Dothisatleastthreeorfourtimesperdayforatleastthreetofiveminutesatatime.Threetimestakeadeepbreathinandpictureclean,cleansingairfillingyourlungsandyourbody.Whenyouexhale,pictureallstress,allnegativity,andallconcernleavingyourbody.Breathethiswayuntilyouactuallyfeelyourbodygettingcalmerandmorepeaceful.Whenyouareready,andyourbreathingisdeepandcalming,closeyoureyes.
Sitforafewminutesandfocusonyourbreath.Imaginethatyoucanseetheairasitfillsyourlungsandasitleaveswhenyouexhale.Focusonlyonthebreath;ifthoughtsorwordscomeintoyourmind,gentlypushthemaway.Imaginethereisamanwithabroominsideyourhead.Hegentlysweepsawayanythoughtsthatwanttovisit.Ifyouhaveaphobiatowardbrooms—ormen—imagineanotherimagelikethisthatworksforyou.Asyousitquietly,repeatyourmantratoyourselfoverandover.Youmaysay
itquietlyunderyourbreathasawhisper,oryoumaysayitonlyinyourheadwithoutspeakingoutloudatall.Asbestyoucan,picturethewordsasyousay
withoutspeakingoutloudatall.Asbestyoucan,picturethewordsasyousaythem.Somepeopleliketoaddamusicaltonetothewords,andsomeliketochantthem.Someliketoaddmodulationorasombertone.Whateverhelpsyoutograbthesewords,makesthemstick,andgivesthemimpactisrightforyou.Besuretospendtheentirethreetofiveminuteswiththismantra.Feelyour
bodyatpeace.Thinkabouthowthedeepbreathingcalmsyou.Don’trushthroughthis.Evenwithallyouhavetodo,ninetotwelveminutesoutofyourdayisn’tgoingtoputyoufartherbehind.Insteadyoumayfindonceyoufinishtheexercisethatyouareclearerandmoreenergizedtofinishwhatyouhavetodo.It’scriticallyimportanttodothisexerciseeverysingleday.Youwanttobe
preparedforthestressorswhentheycomevisit.Youmusthaveaplantotakeadifferentpathofaction.
CASESTUDY
Whatdoesthislooklikeinaction?Let’smeetLeonard.He’stwenty-nineyearsoldandworksinatopfinancialfirminNewYork,wheredailyhejugglesmillionsofdollars.Hisjobisconsuming,andasaresultofithe’sunderconstantstress.Latelyit’sbecomedebilitatingtothepointthathe’smadesomecostlymistakesanddrawntheunwelcomeattentionofhissupervisors.Increasingly,Leonardissubjecttopanicattacks.Hewakesinthe
middleofthenight,feelingsomethingmassivepressingdownonhischest.Thesheetsaredrenchedinsweat;hisforeheadisclammy;andhisthroatisdry.Hisheartisracing,butaccordingtohisphysicianhe’snothadaheartattack.Rather,he’sunderextremestress.ApartofLeonard’sbrainisconstantlynagginghim:“You’renotthat
ApartofLeonard’sbrainisconstantlynagginghim:“You’renotthatgoodatwhatyou’redoing.Supposeyoumakeahugemistake?Supposeyourclientslosetheirentireinvestment?Supposeyouloseyourjobandwordgoesaroundthestreetthatyou’reunreliable?Youcouldloseeverything:thegreatManhattanapartment,thecoolcar,theRolexwatch.”Thisisnegativeself-talkfeedingallofLeonard’sdoubtsandinsecurities.Butnowheknowshe’sgottobreakthecycle.Hesitsdowninhis
kitchenandjotsdownonapadaseriesofpositivestatementsabouthimself.
“I’mgoodatmyjob.That’swhyI’moneoftheyoungesttradersinthefirm.”“EverydayImakemoneyformyclientsbyusingmyskillsandknowledge.”“Ihaveagreatlife—andwithhardworkandperseverance,Icankeepitgreat.”
Hegoestothelivingroom,hisfavoriteroomintheapartment.Withsomemusicplayingveryquietlyinthebackground,hedrawsthecurtainssotheroomisinpartialdarkness.Thenhesitsinachair,comfortableandcalm,breathinginandout,imaginingallhisstressandconcernsflowingawayfromhisbody.Softlyhesayshisthreemantras,repeatingthemoverandoverforfive
minutes.Attheend,hespendsanotherminutebreathingcalmly,enjoyingthesilence.Repeatingthisroutineatthebeginningandendofeveryday,Leonardstarts
tofindthatthesymptomsofhispanicattacksareeasing.Hispositiveself-talkisturningaroundhislife.Heisclearerandmorefocusedathisjob,andasaresultheismakingbetterdecisions.Hisbossnowseeshimasmoreconfidentandincontrol.
PracticeMakesPerfect
Youmaywanttowriteyourpositiveself-talkonacardthatyoucarrywithyou.Oryoumaywanttopostseveralnotesaroundtoremindyouofyourmantra.Themoreyouaccessit,theeasieritwillbetocalluponitwhenyouneedto.Thenextimportantstepistobringitintothepicturewhenthephysicalreactiontostressstartstovisityou.Becomeawareofthesituationsthatstressyouout.Ifyouknowyoutendto
havethepanicattackwhiledrivingatnight,practiceyourpositiveself-talkforafewminutesbeforeyougoout.IfyouhaveOCDandknowthatyouarepronetorevisityourhomeseveraltimestoassureyourselfthateverythingisasitshouldbe,practicethesayingseachtimeyouarereadytoleave.Inordertomakepositiveself-talkworkforyou,youmustassesswhereyouneeditandprepare.
PreparingforStressfulLifeSituations
Wetalkedearlieraboutageneralizedstressreaction.Itcanhappenanywhereatanytimewithoutmuchnotice.Ofcourse,sometimesyou’llknowsomethingpotentiallybadisgoingtohappen.Oftenyouhopeforthebestbutexpecttheworst.Yournegativeself-talkhelpsratchetupyouranxietyinthesesituations.Infact,theoutcomecanbepositiveornegative,butyournegativeself-talkwillalwaysassureyouthattheworstiswaitingforyouaroundthecorner.Thetruthisthattherearedifficultsituationsinlife.Thereissadnessandpain.
Peoplewelovedie.Peoplegetsickandsuffer.Peoplelosejobsandspouses.Positiveself-talkdoesn’tdeludeyouintothinkingthatlifeisn’tlife.Youwon’tpretendthateverythingisbeautifulwhenitisn’t.Whatpositiveself-talkcandoishelpyougetthroughthesedifficultorsadsituationswithadifferentattitude.
ishelpyougetthroughthesedifficultorsadsituationswithadifferentattitude.Itcanhelpfocusyourattention,clarifyyourideas,andgiveyouenergytocompletewhatevertaskslieahead.Thinkaboutsomeoneyouknowwhowasterminallyillbutmaintaineda
positiveattitude.Thatpersondidn’tbelievethepositiveattitudewould“save”him,buthewantedtoenjoywhatevertimehehadleft.Thinkaboutpeoplewhohavebeenthroughadivorcebutchosetoremainfriendsevenjustforthesakeoftheirkids.Thinkaboutsomeonewhomighthavebeenfiredfromajob,unabletopayherbills,butstillvolunteeredatahomelessshelter.Therearepeoplewhosufferthroughverydifficultandpainfulsituationsinlifeandseemtocomeoutfine.OnemanIknewwellwasputinprisonforsomethinghedidn’tdo.Hekeptapositiveattitude,refusedtolookatthoseyearsaslost,andinsteadturnedthatexperienceintosomethingpositivethatothershavelearnedfrom.Ifnegativeself-talkis“right,”thenwhydoesn’teveryonecrumpleundertheweightofdifficulty?Becausetheself-talkyouchooseoftendictatesyourabilitytoberesilient,tofindsolutions,andtofocusonthesilverlining.
StopthePain!
Mostpeoplewhoareexperiencingadifficulttimesimplywantittobeover.“Ican’twaituntilmydivorceisfinal.”“Iwishtheywouldjustgivemethepinkslipandbedonewithit.Thewaitingiskillingme.”“Iwillbesohappywhenthisyearends!”Insteadofplowingthroughthesenegativesituations,let’slookatwaysyou
canusethemtopracticeyourpositiveself-talkandpotentiallyadoptanewattitudeorapproachtodealingwithwhatbefallsyou.Thinkaboutanupcomingeventthatiscausingyoustress,oroneyouare
goingthroughnow.Writedownwhatmighthappen,andwhatyouareexpecting.So,forexample,youmightwrite:“Mycompanyisinfinancialtrouble.Layoffshavebeenhappeningallaroundme.Ihaveheardthroughthe
trouble.Layoffshavebeenhappeningallaroundme.Ihaveheardthroughthegrapevinethatmyunitisnext.It’sjustamatteroftimebeforeIgetmypinkslip.”Now—thisisimportant—writeaboutwhatyouexpectwillhappentoyoufromthissituation.Oftenpeopletellthemselvesastoryabouthowthisincidentwilldestroythem.Forexample,youmightwrite:“IfIlosemyjob,Ican’tsendmykidstocollege.Ican’tevenpaythemortgageonmyhouse.Therearenojobsoutthere.I’mdoomedtoliveeatingcatfood—andwhatwillIfeedmycats?Wewillallstarve.”Besuretotakesometimetowritethisout.Muchofwhatyouwillwriteis
actuallythenegativeself-talkthatvisitsyouaboutthissituation.Thesearethebeliefsyounowholdabouthowthisupcomingsituationwillaffectyourlife.Youmightwritetheseoutcomesandfeelconfidenttheyaregoingtohappen,butreally—atthismoment—youarewritingaplay.It’struethatyourcompanymightbegoingthroughlayoffsandyoumightbenext,butwhathappensafterthatisallconjecturefueledbyyournegativeself-talk.Next,identifyyourresources.Identifythoseattributes,skills,supportsystems,
intellectualabilities,andstrengthsyoupossessthatcouldhelpyoudealmoreeffectivelywiththeupcomingsituation.Forexample,youmightwrite:“Iamaveryskilledemployee.IofferalotofvaluetomyemployerbecausenooneelseknowshowtorunthesystemthatIdo.”Or,“Ihavebeenthroughhardtimesbefore.Ialwaysmanagetopickmyselfup,dustmyselfoff,andstartalloveragain!”Thenextpartofthisexerciseiscriticallyimportantbecauseit’sgoingtoask
youtoquestionbeliefsyoulikelyholdverydear.Forexample,youmaytrulybelievethattheself-talkyouareusingabouttheupcomingeventistrue.Youwillbeeatingcatfood.Youwon’tevergetanotherjob.Youaredoomed.Whatyouneedtodonextisshineastronglightonthosebeliefsandlookatthemclosely.Theyareonlybeliefsatthispoint.Theyarenotfacts.Thetruthisthateverysituationhasmanypossibleoutcomes.Someoutcomes
youmightprefermorethanothers,buttherearemanywaysyourlifecouldturn
youmightprefermorethanothers,buttherearemanywaysyourlifecouldturnout.Untilthefinalact,youdon’treallyknowwhatiscomingaroundthecorner.Mostsituationshavebothapositiveandnegativeaspect.Yes,it’shardifthe
loveofyourlifeleavesyouforanotherperson,butit’salsoliberatingthatyounolongerlivewithsomeonewhowaslyingtoyou.Yes,goingtojailforacrimeyoudidnotcommitisaterribletragedy,buttakingthoseexperiences,writingaboutthem,andworkingtochangeabrokensystemisapositiveoutcome.Mostcausesandmovementsarestartedbecausesomeoneexperiencessomethingsoawfulthattheydon’twantanyoneelsetohavetogothroughit.Inotherwords,it’svirtuallyalwayspossibletochangeanegativeoutcometoapositiveone.Nowyoumightbesaying,“Shehasrose-coloredglasseson.Sheistryingto
paintahappypicturewhereonedoesn’tbelong.”Thisiswhyit’scriticaltoloosenyourlong-heldbeliefsjustalittlebit.Ifyou
won’tconsiderthattherecouldbeanotherwaytolookatthestressfulsituation,thenthereisn’tapointincompletingthisexercise.Ifyouwanttohavemorepower,moreoptions,andmorestrengthindealingwithstress,youhavetoletgoofthebeliefthatyou“know”whatisrightandwhatiswrongandthatyou“know”whatwillhappennext.Writetwoscenariosaboutthesituationyouarefacing.Inthem,developa
storyoftwopossiblepositiveoutcomes.Thismaytakesomecreativewritingonyourpart,butforceyourselftothinkabouttwowaysthesituationcouldgothatmighthavesomepositiveattributes.Forexample,let’sgobacktothesituationatworkwhereyouexpectthepink
slip.Twopossibleoutcomescouldinclude:“Ihavebeendoingsuchagoodjobhereandamveryvalued.Theycan’tlay
offeveryonesoeventhoughitpainsmetoseemycoworkersinpainandlosingtheirjobs,Iamgoingtobehereforalongtimetocome.Iwilladoptapositiveattitudeandkeepupbeatthroughouttheprocess.”Oralternatively,youcouldthink:“Imightlosemyjob,butthetruthisIhavehatedithere.Ireallywanttodo
somethingelse,butIhavebeentooscaredtoleave.WhenIgetthepinkslip,it
somethingelse,butIhavebeentooscaredtoleave.WhenIgetthepinkslip,itwillmotivatemetofollowmydreams.Itmightbehardfinancially,butIwillfindawaytomakeitwork.ThereisalwaysasolutionifIlookhardenough.”Thepointofcreatingthesetwooptionsistoshowyouthatthereisn’tonlyone
foregoneconclusionabouthowthestressfullifesituationwillend.Throughnegativeself-talk,youtellyourselfastory—youwritetheplotlineand“know”howeverythingwillturnout.Thisiswhyyourstresslevelcontinuestorise.Theredoesn’tseemtobeanotheroption.Byforcingyourselftowriteaboutotheroptions,youcanseethatthereareotherpossibleoutcomes.Intimesoftrouble,ifyourself-talkisonlyfocusedonhowhorribleeverythingis,youcan’tallowyourselfthechancetorechargeyourbatteriesorfindanypositiveoutcomes.Inthemidstofdealingwithanything,youcanusepositiveself-talktocalm
yourselfandfindwaystofocusonsomethingotherthantheworryorsadnessbroughtonbythesituation.Therearecasesevenwhenaclosefriendorrelativeisdyingofaterminaldiseaseinwhichpeoplestillfindjoyinsmallways—possiblybycaringfortheperson.Sometimeswhenyou’rewithsomeonewhoisdying,oldwoundsarehealedorwordsarespokenthathaven’tbeensaidbefore.Sometimesbothofyouareabletoletgoofpasthurtsordifficulties.It’snottosaythatthesolutiontostressissimplytolookonthebrightside—
it’snot.Youhavetoberealisticandobjectiveaboutwhateverdifficultiesarefacingyou.AndI’mnotsayingthattherearen’tdifficultemotionsyouwillhavetodealwithasyougothroughchallenginglifeexperiences.Butbecomingdrainedandstressedweakensyourresources.Youneedtobestrongandclear-headed.Youalwayshaveanopportunitytouseyourself-talktodirectthesituationandyourreactiontoit.Yourself-talkcaneitherdefeatyouearlyonorgiveyouthepowertostayopenandcuriousaboutwhatcanhappennext.
ManagingLifeonOverload
Theadventoftechnologywassupposedtomakelifeeasierforeveryone.Quickaccesstoinformation,theabilitytocompletetasks“onthefly,”andincreasedcommunicationwereintendedtofreeuptimeandallowpeopletofocusonwhatmatterstothem.Unfortunatelyformost,it’sdoneexactlytheopposite.Increasingtechnologykeepsmanypeopleconnected24/7,allowingforanoverwhelmingfloodofinformationtocomeoverthetransom.Inmanyjobs,theneedtocheckmessagespermeatesfamilymeals,vacations,
andeveningrelaxationtime.Theabilitytobeonlineatallhoursofthedayornightcheckingforinformationandgainingaccesstonewinformationtoprocessisnotsoothingtomostpeople;ratheritincreasesthelevelofstressorworry.Inmanycases,peoplestrugglewithtimemanagement.HowcanIget
everythingdoneinagivenday?Childrenhaveplacestheymustbe;thereareerrandstorunandtaskstocomplete;andontopofitall,theworkplacecontinuestopileonmoreandmore.Thestresslevelsthattheaveragepersondealswithseemtobeincreasingeveryday.
StressedMuch?YouBet!TheAmericanPsychologicalAssociationfoundina2010surveythat“ingeneral,Americansrecognizethattheirstresslevelsremainhighandexceedwhattheyconsidertobehealthy.Adultsseemtounderstandtheimportanceofhealthybehaviorslikemanagingtheirstresslevels,eatingright,gettingenoughsleepandexercise,buttheyreportexperiencingchallengespracticingthesehealthybehaviors.Theyreportbeingtoobusyasaprimarybarrierpreventingthemfrombettermanagingtheirstress,andalackofmotivation,energy,andtimeasthechiefreasonsfornotbeingmorephysicallyactive.Againinthisstudy,lackingwillpowerwascitedasabarriertoadoptinghealthybehaviorswhenlifestylechangeswererecommendedbyahealthcareprovider.Yetthemajoritybelieveswillpowercanbelearnedaswellasimproved,iftheyonlyhadmoreenergyandconfidence.”
EverydayStressBuilds
Oneoftheproblemswitheverydaystressisthatitisinsidious.Youmightnot“feel”stressed,butallofasuddenyouraiseyourvoiceinangerorbegintofeeldefeatedanddepressed.Younoticethatyouaregrittingyourteethorbitingyournails.Everydaystresscreepsin,andunbeknownsttoyouyournegativeself-talkfuelsthestressfulfires.Acarcutsyouoffonthefreewayandyouthink,What’swrongwithpeople?
Theworldisbecomingsucharudeandfrighteningplace.Inthecheckoutlinefortenitemsorless,someonegetsinfrontofyouwithfifteenitems.See?yousaytoyourself.Therearerudepeopleeverywhere.Thisworldisreallygoingtopot.Athome,whereyouwanttoenjoythesanctuaryofyourabode,yourchildcallsyousomenamenotfittorepeathere.Yourself-talkceaselesslycommentsonthesesituations,andyoumulloverhowawfuleverythinghasbecomeandhowterribleyourlifeis.Thisishowstress—anditspartnerincrime,negativeself-talk—stealsfrom
you.Theyjoinforcesandzapyourenergy,cloudyourview,andgiveyouawindowontheworldthatisnegativeandself-defeating.Ofcourse,youcanexplainitall:Therereallywasarudepersononthefreeway;someonedidcutyouinline;andyourchildreallywasdisrespectfultoyou.Theproblemis,youthenmadeachoicetoletnegativeself-talktakeoverandpileonthetroubleuntilyouwereunabletofunctioninanypositiveway.
UncoveringWhat’sHidden
Likemanyofthethingsyouwilllearninthisbook,everydaystressisstealthy.Itcomestoyouinsituationsyoudon’twant.Noonewantstobecutoffonthefreewayandputintodanger,butratherthanallowthesituationtobewhatitis,apointintime,yourmindlikelygrabsholdofitandturnsitintoamajornegative
event.It’softheutmostimportancewitheverydaystresstostayawareandalertto
thosethingsthattriggeryournegativeself-talk.Ittakescommitmentandenergytodothis.Youmayresistbecauseitisjusteasiertogiveintothenegativity.Butyoucan,withstrengthofmind,changethat.Movingfromnegativeself-talktopositiveself-talkisachoice.Whileyoucannotcontroltheeventsthathappentoyou,youcancontrolyourreactiontothem.
StepOutoftheTornado
Somepeoplewalkthroughatornadounscathed,andothersareblownawaybythewinds.Youcanstandnexttoaragingemotionaltornadobutrefusetoparticipateinit.How?Bybecomingmoreconsciousaboutthethingsyouexperience
throughoutyourdaythattriggernegativityinsideofyou,andthenbyrecognizingthenegativeresponsesthatbuilduponthemselves.Steppingoutofthetornadotakesdiscipline.Itrequiresbeingattentivetothe
thingsthroughoutthedaythathappentoyou.Forthisexercise,itwillbehelpfultocarryasmallnotebookwithyouatalltimes,ortousethenotefunctiononyoursmartphoneortablet.Youwanttokeeparunninglistofthingsthatoccurtoyousoyoucanexaminethemwithsomedistance.Thinkofatimewhenyouweregoingthroughsomethingstressfulinan
everydaysituation.Forinstance,perhapsyouneededtobebackhomeforyourson’sgraduation,andyouwereduetocatchaplane.Youwerecaughtinterribletrafficduetoanaccidentonthefreeway.Youwatchedtheclocktick,tick,tickwhileyousatimmobileinyourcarandknewtheplanewouldleavewithoutyou.Perhapstheplanedidleavewithoutyou,andyouragedorcriedintheterminalknowingyouwouldmissyourson’ssmilingfaceastheyhandedhimthediploma.
Thatwascertainlyaseriesofstressfulanddistressingevents.Butthinkaboutwhathappenednext.Anotherflightleftforyourdestination,andyoueventuallyjoinedyourson.Yousawpicturesofthegraduationandweredisappointedyouweren’tabletobethere,butyoudidsomethingtocelebratewithyourson,therebyenjoyinghissuccess.Thestressfulmomentinthecarwatchingthatclocktickeventuallyfadedfromyourmemory.Youtalkaboutitinthepasttense,asin,“Rememberthetime...”Thegoalinsteppingoutsideofthetornadoistocalluponthepost-experience
whileyouarestillintheexperience.Eveninthethickofdifficulty,yourealize“Thistooshallpass.”Inordertodothis,youmustcalluponpositiveself-talk.Resolvetokeepajournal.Fortwoweekstakenotesofstressfulsituations
throughouttheday;thiswillhelpyoutoseepatterns,triggers,andtogetperspectiveonthethingsthatseemstressfulatthetime,butlaterlosetheirpoweroveryou.Asyouembarkonthisprocess,resolvetocaptureeverythingyoucan.Don’toverlookthingsthatseemunimportantjustbecauseyouarewritingajournal!Forexample,youmaybeinclinedtominimizeaneventbecauseitseemssillytowriteitdown.Behonestwithyourself.Therearenorightsorwrongs—stresscomesfrommanydifferentdirectionsforeveryone.Captureeverythingtowhichyourmindhasareactionorthatyouperceiveasnegative.Ifyoumissaday,continuenotingoccurrencesuntilyouhavetwoweeksof
datawithwhichyoucanwork.Besuretocapturenotonlytheeventbutalsoyournegativereactiontoit.Nexttotheevent,jotdownafewwordsaboutthenegativityyoufelt:“helpless,”“overwhelmed,”“angry.”Reviewyourstressors.Onceyouhavecompiledtheinformation,lookthrough
whatyou’vewritten.Aretherethemes?Doesitseemthatsomestressorsoccurmoreoftenthanothers?Isitavarietyofstressors,somelargeandsomesmall,ordoyoufindthatmanysmallirritationshappenthroughouttheday?Orconverselydoyouonlygetstressedbytheseeminglybigevents?Also,lookatthedescriptorsyouwrotenexttotheevents.Whatthemesdo
youseehere?Doyoumostoftenrespondwithanger?Doyoufeeldisillusionedalot?Doyoufeelhelplessandwithoutresourcestodealwithstressorsinyourlife?It’scriticallyimportant,beforeyoucanmakepositiveself-talkworkforyou,
thatyouhavesomeawarenessaboutthestressorsandaboutyourreactions.Don’tskipthesesteps—takethetimetoexploreyourownsituationinsomedetail.Onceyouhavemoreawarenessofwhatstressesyouandhowyoureact,you
canstarttointegratepositiveself-talkintoyourday.Startthemorningbyusingpositiveself-talktoframeyourupcomingexperiences.Useamirrortotalktoyourselfforthisinitialexercise.Speakdirectlytoyourselfandputemphasisonthestatements.
“Thisisanordinaryday.Therewillbestressfulthingsthathappentome.That’slife.IhavechoicesabouthowIcanrespond.Ichoosetokeepmypersonalpowertoday.”“IcanstepoutsideofthetornadoanytimeIwant.Idon’thavetobedraggedalongbymyownnegativeself-talk.AssoonasIrecognizeit,Icanreleaseit.It’smychoice.”“Thingswillhappen.Iwillreact.TodayIchoosehowIreact,andIchoosepositiveself-talk.”“Iwelcomedifficultsituationsbecausetheyalmostalwaysteachmesomething.Theyallowmetostrengthenmyattitudeandpracticemypositiveself-talk.”“Lifeisforlearning.Iwatchothers.Iwatchsituations.Ilearnsomethingfromeverythingthathappenstome.”“Holdingontomypersonalpoweristhemostimportantthingtome.Istayfocusedonmypositiveapproachthroughouttheday.”
It’simportantthatyourself-talkstatementsarenotphonytoyou.Throughoutthedaytherewillbethingsthattriggeryou.Therewillbeeventsyouprobably
thedaytherewillbethingsthattriggeryou.Therewillbeeventsyouprobablydon’twantandwouldrathernotdealwith.Therewillbetimesyoulapseintooldbehaviors.Youareusingtheseideastosetyourmindinadifferentdirection,toreactandresponddifferentlytowhatwillhappentoyou.Now,createsomepositiveself-talkoptionsthatyoucancalluponwhen
stressorsariseduringtheday.Youmightwanttowritetheseon3"×5"cards,orputthemonnotepaperyoucancarryaroundwithyou.Somepeopleposttheseintheircar,ontheircomputer,orintheirwallet.Keepthemhandysoyoucanrefertothemwhenyouneedto.Reviewthelistanddeterminewhichofthesesuityourstyleandsituation,or
writeacoupleofyourownusingthissameprocess.
“Whateverlifethrowsatme,Icandealwithit.Iamcalm;Iamconfident;andImakemyownchoices.”“Situationshappen,butIdon’tneedtofuelthemwithnegativeself-talk.Ichooseadifferentpath.”“Lookatwhat’shappeningrightnow.It’satornado,butIchoosetostepoutsideofit.Theviewisbetterfromtheoutsidelookingin.”“Tomorrow(ornextmonth,nextyear,etc.)thissituationprobablywon’tevenmattertome.I’mnotgoingtogiveitmyenergytoday.”“Thingshappen.Peoplearepeople.Idon’tneedtomakethissituationworsewithnegativeself-talk.”
Then,importantly,whenthestressfulornegativeeventoccurs,insteadofgivingintonegativeself-talk,turnyourattentiontosomethingthatispositiveforyou.Somepeoplecarryasongwiththemthattheyliketosing.Somepeoplecarrypicturesofchildrenoranimalsthatcalmthem.Somepeopletakeawalk,lookoutsidethewindow,ordojumpingjacks!Havesomethingatthereadyyoucanalwaysdowhenthebothersomesituationcomesalong.Howdoesthisworkintherealworld?Imaginethesituationwiththecar
cuttingyouoffonthefreeway.Yourimmediatereactionistomakesureyouaresafe.Then,yourchosenself-talkkicksin:“Thingshappen.Peoplearepeople.I
safe.Then,yourchosenself-talkkicksin:“Thingshappen.Peoplearepeople.Idon’tneedtomakethissituationworsewithnegativeself-talk.”Youbegintohumyourcalmingsong.Oryoustarttorecallafunvacationwithyourchildren.Perhapsyourepeatyourfavoriteversefromapoem.Yourattentionshiftsfromthesituationathandtosomethingthatcalmsyouandismorepeaceful.Bynow,the“rude”personhasleftyourlineofvisionandisspeedingoffdownthehighwaytocutoffthenextperson—andpossiblygetaticket.You,ontheotherhand,aredrivingalongwithamorepeacefulattitudeanddemeanor.
CreatingTimeandSpaceforRecharging:TakingCareofYourself
Oneofthewaysthatstressdoesdamageisthatinresponsetoitmanypeoplestoptakingcareofthemselves.Theydon’texerciseoreatwell.Theylosesleep.Theyaretoopreoccupiedortoobusytoseekoutfriendsorcompanions.Theyareinreactmodeasopposedtoadeliberateplanningmode.Oftenwhenpeopleneedtotakecareofthemselvesmost,theyfocusonitthe
least.Hereisanotherplacewhereturningtopositiveself-talkcanhelpcalmyouandredirectyourenergies.Thecyclegoeslikethis:Youfeelstressedaboutevents.Youdon’ttakecareofyourself.Youtalktoyourselfabouthowstupidyouarethatyoudon’ttakecareofyourself.“IknowIshouldgettothegymtoalleviatemystress,butIamtoowiggedouttodoso.”Youknowthechoicesyouaremakingarenottherightonesforyou,but
negativeself-talkmovesinagainandremindsyouthatyouneedtobehavethewayyoudo,thatyoucan’tdoanythingbetter,andthatthisisallthereis.
StartingOver
Thebeautyofrecognizinghownegativeself-talkpullsyouinandpullsyouunderisthatatanypointyoucanmakeadifferentdecisionabouthowyouwant
underisthatatanypointyoucanmakeadifferentdecisionabouthowyouwanttorespondtoyourlife.Forexample,ifyouknowyou“should”takebettercareofyourselfbutyourself-talkdoesn’tletyou,it’stimetomakeadifferentdecision.First,askyourselfifthereissomethingyoucouldbedoingdifferently,
somethingthatcouldhelpyoumoreeffectivelydealwiththestressorsinyourlife.Doyouneedmoresleep?Doyouneedtomakebettereatingchoices?Doyouneedtogetmoreexercise?Setagoalforwhatyou’dliketodo.Ifyouwanttomanageyourstressbyfindinganewjobormakingmoremoney,referbacktoChapter7forwaystousepositiveself-talkinmakingalifechange.Inthissection,we’lldealwiththeneedtotakebettercareofyourselfinordertobestrongerinhandlingthegeneralstressorsinyourlife.Determinewhatyouneedtododifferently.Writeinyourjournalwhatyou
coulddoforyourselfthatmightgainyoumoreenergyorbehealthierasyoumanagestress.Nowwritewhyyouaren’tdoingthisnow.What’sholdingyouback?What
obstaclesdoyouface?Behonesthereandcollectallofthereasonsyouareunabletomakethechoicesyouneedtomake.Becarefulyouaren’tfocusingonmajorlifedecisionsinthissection;thoseareaddressedelsewhereinthisbookandinvolveadifferentsetofexercises.Forexample,youmightsayyouneedtoworkoutmoreoftenandgetmoreexercise,butperhapsyouareworkingthreejobs.Ifthisisthecase,youneedanoveralllifechange.RefertoChapter7.Inthissection,though,youmightwritethatyoujustcan’tsticktoanexerciseplan.Youknowyouneedone,butyouneverfindanythingthatyouenjoyenoughtodooverandover.Identifythenegativeself-talkassociatedwithyourreasonsfornotbeingable
totakethestepsyouknowyouneedtotake.Thesecouldbethingslike“Ihateexercise”or“Ican’taffordtoeathealthyfoodsoIbuyjunk”or“IamjustatthatstageoflifewhereIcan’tsleepverywell.Ithappenstoeveryone.”Writethewordsyouuseandthethingsthatcometomindifyouweretalking
toanotherpersonandtryingtoconvinceherwhyyoucan’tdowhatyouknow
toanotherpersonandtryingtoconvinceherwhyyoucan’tdowhatyouknowyoushoulddo.Inthisnextsection,youwilluseyourpositiveself-talktochangethe
behavior.First,setagoalforyourselfthatisreasonable,believable,andpractical.Forinstance,youmightsetagoal:Forthenextfivenights,IwillgotobedfifteenminutesearliereachnightuntilIamgoingtobedoveranhourearlierthanIhavebeen.”Oryoumightwrite,“IwillchoosecarrotsatthestorewhenIshopthisweekinsteadofchips.”Or,“Iwilltakeawalkeacheveningwithmyspouseforthirtyminutesafterdinner.”Setagoalthatyoucanreachandthatmovesyouclosertoyourdesiredoutcome.Youaretryingtomakealifeshifthere,soyouwanttotakethisastepatatime.Ifyouhaven’tbeenworkingoutatall,settingagoalofworkingoutsixdaysaweekforanhourisprobablyunrealistic.Focusonreasonable,believable,andpractical.Now,developpositiveself-talkstatementstohelpyouwithyourefforts.
Thesewillbedifferentdependingonthegoalyouhavechosen.Ifyouhaveworkedthroughothersectionsinthisbook,youwillhavesomeideasabouthowtodevelopthese.Thereareexampleshereforsomecommonsituations.Youcanuseanyofthese,orwritesomeofyourown.
“Iwanttomakethisshiftinmylife.Itwillhelpmemanagemystressmoreeasily.”“Everydayisanewday.TodayIresolvetomakethechoicesthataregoodforme.”“Mygoalisreasonable.Icantakestepseachdaytoseethatmygoalbecomesmyreality.”“IneedallofthestrengthandresourcesIcanget.Imakethechoicesthatgivememoreaccesstomypersonalresources.”“WhyintheworldwouldIchoosetodothingsthataren’tgoodforme?Iknowwhat’sright,andIchooseinfavorofme.”
Onceyouhavedeterminedyourgoal,andhavedevelopedthepositiveself-talkthatworksforyou,spendtimeeachdayforatleastfifteenminutessitting
talkthatworksforyou,spendtimeeachdayforatleastfifteenminutessittingquietlyandimagingalessstressedyou.Pictureyourselforthinkaboutyourselfmakingthechoicesthataregoodforyou.Imagineyouaregettingthesleepyouneed,eatingthefoodyouneed,ortakingwalkseachevening.Useallofyouremotionandimaginationtofeelgoodaboutyouraccomplishments.Experiencethegoodfeelingsthatcomefrombeingcalmerandmoreatease,readytodealwithwhatevercomesyourway.Asyousitandimagine,repeatyourpositiveself-talkoverandoveragain.
Keepfocusedonwhatyoudowant,notwhatyoudon’twant.Remember,tomanagestresseffectivelyyoumusthavethetoolstodoso.
TakingControlofYourTime—andYourLife
Therearefewpeopleintoday’sculturewhowouldn’tsaytheyneedmorehoursintheday.Itneverseemsyouhaveenoughtimetodoallthatyouwanttodo,orneedtodo.Somepeopleworktwoorthreejobsandrunfromonetotheother.Parentswithchildrenseemtohaveendlesscommitments:gamesandpracticestoattend,schoolevents,playdates.Infact,mostpeopleintoday’scultureconstantlyhavetoomanyplacestogoandthingstodo.Liferollsonandon.Anxietybuildsasthelistofto-dosgrowslongerandlonger.Timeishardtomanagewhenitoffersyouafixedtwenty-fourhoursaday,
sevendaysaweek.Howcanyoucontrolsomethingthatisn’tflexibleormalleable?Insteadyoumustlearntomanageyourself.Timemanagementisaboutpersonalmanagement.
SufferingfromtheZeigarnikEffect?BlumaWulfovnaZeigarnik(1901–1988)wasaSovietpsychologistandpsychiatristwhodiscoveredthatunfinishedtaskscausepeopleanxiety.AccordingtoPsychwiki,“theZeigarnikEffectisthetendencytoexperienceintrusivethoughtsaboutanobjectivethatwasoncepursuedandleftincomplete.
intrusivethoughtsaboutanobjectivethatwasoncepursuedandleftincomplete.Theautomaticsystemsignalstheconsciousmind,whichmaybefocusedonnewgoals,thatapreviousactivitywasleftincomplete.Itseemstobehumannaturetofinishwhatwestartand,ifitisnotfinished,weexperiencedissonance.”
FinishWhatYouStart
Formanypeopleanxietycomesfromtheendlessfeelingthattherearealwaysthingslefttodo.Youmightgotobedatnightthinkingaboutwhathasbeenleftundoneinsteadofwhatyouhaveaccomplished.Themindwillgrabontowhatisopen-endedandnotaddressed,andthennegativeself-talkwilltauntyouaboutwhatisstilllefttodo.Thetruthisthatyoucanneverreallyfinisheverythingthathastobedone.Assoonasthe“to-dolist”iscompleted,anotheronewillpopuptotakeitsplace.Butyoucanlearntomanageyourself-talksothatyoutakeadifferentapproachtothenever-endinglistofthingstodo.
StopWatchingtheClock
Thefirstimportantstepistostopforamoment.Takeyoureyesofftheclockandlookatthelonglistofto-dosthatyouhaveaccumulated.What’sonthatlist?Areallofthethingsyouneedtodoreallyimportanttoyou?Takeamomenttoprioritizethings.What’smostimportantandwhy?What’sleastimportantandwhy?Reorderyourto-dolistsothatinsteadofarandomlistofallyouneedtodo,
it’sanorganizedandprioritizedlistofwhatmustbedone.Youcanusewhatevercriteriayouwant.Youmaydecidethattheeasiestthingsshouldbehighestprioritybecauseyoucantacklethemrightaway.Or,bycontrast,youmaygivetheharderthingshighestpriorityinordertogetthemoverwith.What’s
importantistohaveaplan.Haveamethodologyforgoingthroughyourlistthatmakessensetoyou.Ifyousufferfromafeelingthattimeisescapingandyouaren’tconqueringit,
theexerciseinthissectionshouldbeusedoverandoveragainformanydays.Remember,ittakesatleasttwenty-onedaystoadoptanewhabit.Withtimemanagementitisbestifyoucandoitforatleastamonth.Gettingahandleonmanagingyourpersonalandtime-relatedissuesistricky.Newthingsgetaddedeveryday.Otherpeopleinyourlifemaynot“respect”yourdesiretochangeyourapproachandmaycontinuetoadditemstoyouralreadyoverflowingplate.Youhavetobetheonetotakecharge,andbeconsistent.
StepOne
Makealistofthethingsthatareoutstandingthatneedtobemanaged.Startwitharandomlistofeverythingthatyoucurrentlyhaveonyourto-dosheet.
StepTwo
Reorganizethelistaccordingtopriorityorder.Numbertheitemsfrom1(mostimportant)to10(leastimportant).Ifyouhavemorethantenitems,puttheseonaseparatelistinpriorityorder.Forthepurposesofthisexercise,havenomorethanten.
StepThree
Reviewyourlistoftenandseewhereyoucanbreakstepsdownintomorediscreettasks.If,forexample,youhavetomoveyouragingmotherintoanursinghome,andyouhavethisasone“to-do,”recognizeinsteadthatmultiplestepsareinvolved.Thereareprobablytenortwelvethingsyouneedtodobeforeyoucanaccomplishthistask.Taketheto-doitemandidentifyeachpieceintheprocesssoyoucanseeexactlywhat’sinvolved.Sometimesdissectingtheto-do
processsoyoucanseeexactlywhat’sinvolved.Sometimesdissectingtheto-doandbreakingitintosmallerpiecesactuallychangesthepriorityorder.Thisisfine;changethingsaroundifyouneedto,butcomeupwithafinallisttoworkfrom.
StepFour
Nowtakeeachofthepiecesontheto-dolistandwriteanassumedtimeframenexttothem.Howlongwilleachsteptakeyou?What’sinvolved?Eachto-doshouldhavestepsatthispointandthentimeframesassociatedwiththem.Youmightendupwithapageforeachto-do;putthepagesinpriorityorderwiththemostimportantoneontop.Youmaywanttohaveafilefolderforeachoftheto-dos,butbesuretocodethembypriorityorder,whatevermethodyouareusing.
StepFive
Nowreviewtoseewhetherthereisanythingyoucandelegatetosomeoneelse.Aretherepiecesthatotherpeoplecoulddoforyou?Whatcreativewayscouldyouusetoaccomplishsomeofthethingsonthelist?
StepSix
Next,movethestepsforthefirstthreepriorityto-dos,alongwiththeirassociatedtimeframes,ontoacalendar.Whenwillyoudothesethings?Whatday?Whattime?Whoelsemightyouengage?Writeitdown.Reviewthiseachnightorfirstthinginthemorningsoyouhavetheplanfortheday.
StepSeven
Nowbringyourpositiveaffirmationsintotheprocess.Eachdaywhenyouarereviewingyourto-dolistorwritingyourstepsdowninyourcalendar,youwanttobeawareofanynegativeself-talkthattellsyouitis“justtoomuchtodo.”
tobeawareofanynegativeself-talkthattellsyouitis“justtoomuchtodo.”Usesomeofthepositiveself-talklistedhereoverandoveragain.Remembertodothisforatleastamonth.
“Timeisaman-madeconstruct.Iaminchargeofmytime;itisnotinchargeofme.”“Icansay‘no’thenexttimesomeoneasksmetotakesomethingonifIdon’tfeelIcandoit.Mylifebelongstome.”“Takingstepsoneatatimeallowsmetoworkthroughmyto-dolistandgetsomethingdoneeverysingleday.”“Ihavetakenthetimetoorganize,prioritize,andbreakstepsdown.Iknowwhat’simportantandwhatIneedtofocuson.”“IrefusetoallowmyselftobedrawnintoanxietyaboutwhatIneedtodo.Istandoutsidetheanxiousstate,beingwatchfulandmakingmyplans.”“IcandowhatIneedtodo.Ifocusonmypriorities.”“WorryingaboutwhatIneedtodoandexperiencinganxietymakesmelesseffective.Iameffectiveandproductive.”“IamclearaboutwhatIneedtodo,andIdoit.”“IfeelgoodaboutwhatIaccomplisheachday.Iaminchargeofmylife.”
Practicinggoodself-managementoftimecanbenefityouinmanyways.Youwillbecomemoreefficientatwork,moreproductiveathome,aswellaslessstressedaboutwhatyouneedtodo.
ReleasingStressors
Thischapterhascoveredanumberofdifferentaspectsrelatedtostress.Youmayhavepreviouslythoughtstresswasjustanaturalandcommonresponsetolife’sproblems,butnowyouhaveseenthatstressandanxietyvisitinavarietyofdifferentways.Ifstressisrunningyourlife,reviewthischaptertodecidewhichaspectsyouwanttobegintopracticetobecomecalmerandmoreat
whichaspectsyouwanttobegintopracticetobecomecalmerandmoreatpeace.Youarenotaseffectivewhenyouarelivinglifeonstressfuloverload.Replacingnegativeself-talkwithmorepositiveapproachesisavailabletoyouinmanydifferentsituations.
CHAPTER9
TheArtofSelf-Reflection:ChallengingYourSelf-Talk
Beforereadingthisbook,youprobablybelievedthatyourself-talkwasyou.Youdidn’trealizethatit’saseparatethingwhisperinginyourearandcallingtheshots—mostofwhichhaveledyoutoanxietyandunhappiness.Ifyouarelikemanypeople,youhaveprobablybeenlisteningtoitformostofyourlifeandtakingwhatevernegativepathitpresentedtoyou.Listeningtonegativeself-talkandactingonits“wisdom”seemednatural.
Youprobablybecamesousedtoitsvoicethatyoudidn’trealizethatitwastalkingtoyouandmakingeverythingyoudealwithmoredifficultthanitneededtobe.Whilenegativeself-talkdiditsdirtywork,youranxietyrose.Anyopportunityyouhadforacalmeryouwentoutthewindowalongwithyourobjectivity.Thisiswhynegativeself-talkissoinsidious.Itfeelslikeapartofyou.It
visits;youwelcomeitandrecognizeit;andthenitstays.Butnow,asaresultofgoingthroughtheexercisesinthisbookandthinkingaboutthem,youknowhowmuchitisstealingfromyouandhowmanypossibilitieshavepassedyoubybecauseyouhavebeenengagedinadialoguewithsomethingthatdoesn’thaveyourbestinterestsatheart.Youhavetakenthefirstmostimportantsteptoremovenegativeself-talkfromyourlife.Youaremakingacommitmenttouninviteitandtowelcomenewideasandnewpossibilitiesthatcalmyourmindandgiveyoubackyournaturalenergy.
ToLoseIt,YouHavetoKnowIt
Inordertouninvitenegativeself-talk,asyouhavelearnedthroughoutthisbook,
Inordertouninvitenegativeself-talk,asyouhavelearnedthroughoutthisbook,youhavetobecomeawareofhowitvisitsyouandrefusetoletitmoveinandtakeholdofyou.Self-reflectionisimportant,andyouhavetofirstadmittoyourselfthatnegativeself-talkhasbeenstealingyourcalmandderailingyourhopesanddreams.Negativeself-talkdoesnothingbutstealfromyou.Itisn’tyourfriend.Itisn’teventellingyouthetruth—it’stellingyousadandworrisomestoriesthataremadeup.Negativeself-talkfeedsonanxiety,stress,andupset.Ittakesholdandincreasesyourpain.It’stimetotakeyourlifebackandtellyourselfadifferentstory.
RecognizingtheVisitor
Themoreawareyoubecomeofhowandwhennegativeself-talkvisitsyou,themorechoicesyouwillhavetodealwithitwhenitdoes.InChapter2youcompletedanassessmenttounderstandwheresomeofyouranxietycomesfrom.Reviewthislistnow.Youwereaskedtocirclesixthingsthatareparticularcausesofanxietyforyou.Inaddition,you’velikelyreadthroughothersectionsofthisbookandfoundotherplacesyournegativeself-talkhastakenover.Takeaminutenowtocapturethethingsyouhavelearnedaboutyourown
anxiety.
1. Anxietymostoftenvisitsmewhen...2. Situationsthatmakemeespeciallyanxiousinclude...3. IhaverealizedIusenegativeself-talkinthefollowingareas...
Ifyoustillfeelvague,orasifanxietyvisitsyouallthroughoutthedayinmanydifferentsituations,asitdoesformanypeople,keepajournal.Identifythethingsthathappentoyouthroughoutthedaythatkickyournegativeself-talkintoaction.Notetheevent,orthethought,andthenthewordsthatyouusetotellyourselfthereis,orcouldbe,aproblem.Themoreyoubecomeawareofwhenandhownegativeself-talkvisitsyou,themorechoicesyouhaveforofferingittheinvitationtoleave.Dedicateyourselftothis.Chooseinfavorofyourselfand
theinvitationtoleave.Dedicateyourselftothis.Chooseinfavorofyourselfandyourlifeandcommittoawareness.
YourPersonalToolkit
Noteverythingworksforeveryperson.Thischapterwillofferavarietyoftried-and-truetechniquesyoucanusetobothstopnegativeself-talkinitstracksandputyouonamoresuccessfulpathtopositiveoutcomesyoudesire.Thischapterprovideschoicesforyourpersonaltoolkit.Themoretoolsyouhavetodealwithlife’supsanddowns,themorepoweryouwillhaveinthemidstofwhateverhappenstoyou.
Tool1:ThePowerofSelf-Hypnosis
Manypeopledon’ttrusthypnosis.Thepossibilitythatanotherpersoncouldtakeholdofyourmindandgiveyouideasmayseemfrightening.Agoodhypnotisthelpsyoutoseewhereyourmindishamperingyouandgivingyouideasthataren’tinyourbestinterest.Sheoffershypnoticsuggestionsforabetterlife.Self-hypnosisisatoolyoucanbringtobearatanytime.Itcanbeusedanywheretocalmyou,centeryou,andgetyoubackontrackwithyourpositiveself-talk.
PracticeReallyDoesMakePerfectLikeeverythingelseyouhavelearnedinthisbook,practicingwillmakeyou
moreeffective.Youhave“practiced,”unknowingly,usingnegativeself-talk.Itwilltakepracticetolearnnew,healthybehaviors.Toemployself-hypnosisanduseiteffectively,takethefollowingsteps:
1. Developapositive,calming“trigger.”Youcandothisbysittinginaquietplacetorelax.Itshouldbesomewhereyouwillnotbeinterruptedandthat
isrelaxingandcomfortableforyou.Haveyourbacksupported,yourfeetflatonthefloor,andyourhandsrestinglooselyinyourlap.Closeyoureyes.
2. Takethreedeepbreaths.Breatheindeeplythroughyournose.Imaginethereisadeflatedballooninyourstomachandyouarefillingitwithyourbreath.Seetheballoonfillasyoubreathedeeplyin.Breatheoutthroughyourmouthandimaginetheballoondeflatingasyoudo.It’simportantthatyourbreathingiscenteredonyourstomachareaandnotyourchest.Breathingthroughthestomachallowsyoutotakedeep,cleansingbreaths.
3. Sitquietlywithyoureyesclosedandfocusonyourbreathing.Allowyourbreathingtocontinueinacalmandsoothingfashion.Doyourbesttoemptyyourmindofthoughtsandfeelings.Whenthoughtscomein,gentlypushthemaway.Imaginethereisajanitorwithabroomwhogentlypushesoutanythoughtorfeelingthattriestoenter.Yourgoalistoleaveyourmindopenandreceptivetopositiveideas.
4. Whenyouareready,andyourmindisopen,focusonsomethingthatissoothingtoyou.Forsomepeopleitishearingthewavesatthebeach.Forothersitiswalkingthroughaforestonacrispmorninglisteningtobirdsandthecrunchoftheleaves.Othersmayimaginetakingawarmbathorsittingbyafire.Allowyourmindtoholdtheimageofaplacewhereyoufeelatpeace.Makeitaplacewhereyouarerested,relaxed,andcalm.Continuetofocusonthisuntilyoufeelyourbodylettinggo.Letyourmusclesrelax.Letyourshouldersdroopandreleaseanytension.Moveyourheadandneckifneedbetoreleasetensionthatgathershere.Allowyourbody,alongwithyourmind,tosimplyslipintoacalm,beautiful,andsereneimaginedplace.
5. Whenyoufeelyourbodyreleasingandyoucanreallyembracethefeelingofbeingcalmandcentered,it’stimetoestablishyourpersonaltrigger.Putthefirstthreefingersofyourhand(yourthumb,yourforefinger,andyourmiddlefinger)togetherandformatouchpoint.Allowthesefingerstotouch
andinyourmindassociatethetouchingwithyourrelaxedandcalmstate.Inyourmind,say,“EverytimeItouchthesethreefingerstogether,Ibecomecalmandrelaxed.”Saythisoverandovergentlytoyourself.Don’tforceit,butallowthesensationtopermeate.Beawareasyousaythisofhowcalmandrelaxedyoufeel.Ifyouwantadifferenttrigger,youcantouchyourtoestogetherasyousitthere.Associateyourtoesgentlytouchingwithyourrelaxedstate.Again,repeattoyourself,“EverytimeItouchmytoes,anywhereIam,Iimmediatelyfeelrelaxedandcalm.”It’simportanttocreateanassociationsothatanywhere,atanytime,youcancalluponthetriggertosendamessagetoyourbodytocalm.
Dothisexerciseatleasttwiceadayforfivetosevenminutes.Onceyoumastertheprocess,youcandothisanywhere.Youmightputyourseatbackinyourcarandpracticethisinaparkinglot.(Besuretolockyourdoorsbeforeyoudosoinordertostaysafe.)Youcandothisbeforeyougotobedatnight,butbesuretosituprightsothatyoudon’tfallasleepintheprocess.Yourtriggerwillbewithyouatalltimes.Everytimeyoufeelanxietyrising,
oranegativeresponseabouttooccur,youcanengageyourtriggerandsendamessagetoyourbodytobecomecalmandmorecenteredinthatmoment.
Tool2:BecomeaFriendtoYourself
Oneofthewaysthatnegativeself-talkstealsfromyouisthatitvisitsyouasafriend.Itpretendsitcanfixsomethingforyoubytellingyoustoriesaboutwhat’sgoingtohappennext,andhowyouneedtorespond.Thistoolhelpsyoureallybecomeyourownbestfriend.Itinvolvestheartof
steppingoutsideofyourmindasitistalkingtoyouandviewingwhat’shappeningtoyou.Whatdoesthismean?Itmeansdevelopingtheabilitytobemoreobjectiveandwatchfulaboutwhatyoudo,whatyouthink,andhowyouapproachthings.Thisprocessallowsyoutobemoreobjectiveandmorecuriousaboutwhatyouthinkandwhyyouthinkit.Itisnotaboutjudgingorcriticizing
aboutwhatyouthinkandwhyyouthinkit.Itisnotaboutjudgingorcriticizingbutratheraboutlearningandbeinginterestedinthe“why?”
1. Resolvethatyouwanttolearnmoreaboutwhatyouthink,hownegativeself-talkcreepsin,andhowitstealsfromyou.Insteadofdiminishingtheimpactithasonyou,youchooseinsteadtolearnaboutit.Thinkofthisasalearningprocess—theintentionistotakeaseriousinterestinwhat’shappening.Aswell,it’simportanttousethisprocesstostayawareofwhereandhownegativeself-talkvisitsyou.Youcan’tbecomedetachedandawareifyoudon’tevenknowwhat’shappening!
2. Adoptanairofcuriosityandbecomeadetective.Ratherthanusingmorenegativeself-talk(“See,thereIgo!Iamalwaysbeatinguponmyself!Didn’tIlearnanythingfromreadingthisbook?”),youwillnowbecomemorecurious,moreinterestedinwhatishappening.Insteadofreactingtoit,youwanttoexploreandlearnfromit.So,forexample,youmightsaytoyourselfthenexttimeyouareperusingsocialmediaandseeafriendistakingatrip,“Hmmm.That’ssointeresting.Iamreadingsomeone’spostsaboutacruiseshe’stakingandnowmynegativeself-talkiscomingtolifeabouthowIwillneverbeabletotakeavacationagain.WhydoIletittalktomeandmakemefeelworse?It’sinterestinghowjustreadingthisonepostsetmynegativityintomotion.IneedtowatchoutforthatthenexttimeIreadFacebookposts.It’sfascinatingtoseehowmymindtookholdandthenusedthatpostagainstme.Iwillbemuchmoreawarenexttime.”Youarenotcriticizingortryingtofixtheproblem.Youaresimplyacknowledgingit’sthere.Youarerecognizingarelationshipbetweenaneventandyourensuingnegativeself-talk.Byrecognizingit,thenexttimeyouwillbemoreawareoftheconnection.
3. Rememberthatanytime,anywhere,youhavetheabilitytoremoveyourselffromanemotionalreactionandreactwithobjectivityandinterest.Youalwayshavethechoicetosay“Hmmmm.Isn’tthatinteresting?”insteadof
respondinginanegative,emotionalfashion.It’stheemotionalpullthatcausestheanxietyandsmashesthecalm.Stepoutsidetoviewit,anddon’tgiveintoitnexttime.
Ifyouwant,youcanalsousethistooltotellyourselfadifferentstory.Oneofthenicethingsaboutbeinganobjectiveoutsiderlookingatyourownlifeandthoughtsisthatitgivesyouthechancetorewritethescript!Onceyourecognizetheunfoldingofnegativityandmakeachoicenottojudgeit,youcanchooseadifferentstoryending.Forexample,youcouldsay,“Yes,myfriendisgoingonacruise.Goodforherandherfamily.Itdoesn’timpactmylifeatall.Infact,IrealizeIhaveadistasteforcruising!IthinkIwillturnmyattentiontosomethingelserightnow.”Andthenyoudo.Youturnyourattentiontosomethingyoulike,orthatengagesyou.Perhapsyoustarttoputoneofyourplansintoplace,ormaybeyouuseyourpositiveself-talktoworktowardagoal.Whateveritis,youdeliberatelyturnawayfromthenegativityandtakeyourselfmentallydownanotherpath.
Tool3:TellingYourselfaDifferentStory
Theamazingthingaboutself-talkisthatyouprobablydon’trealizehowoftenyouareengagedinstorytelling.Storytellinghasbeenaroundforthousandsofyears.Allofthegreatspiritualteachersusedit,andeffectivemarketersuseittodayto“sell”theirwares.Whyisitsopowerful?Becausepeoplelovestories.Theyunderstandstories.Theycanrelatetostories.Storiesdrawpeopleinandgivethemsomethingtoholdonto.Theproblemwiththestoriesyouhavebeentellingyourselfwithyour
negativeself-talkisthattheydon’thaveahappyending!Wewanttoturnthemaroundandwritepositive,happyendingsinstead.
ThePowerofStorytelling
AccordingtoAdWeek.com,“Thereisagrowingbodyofresearchthatpointstothepowerofnarrativenotjustasawaytoengagepeople,butastheonlywaytochangedeeplyentrenchedviews.”Ifyoulikestories,youmightbeabletoaddstorytellingtoyourtoolkitasawaytochangeyourowndeeplyentrenchedviewsabouttheworldanditsimpactonyou.
Changingyourstoriesinvolvesrecognizingtheonesyouaretellingyourselfnow.Liketherestoftheexercisesinthisbook,thefirststepisawareness.Youhavetorealizewherethestoriescomeinandstarttotalktoyouandwhattheysay.Storiesarecompellingandgripping.Rightnowthestoriesyoutellyourselfarenotonesthatcalmyou,oryouwouldnotbereadingthroughthisbook.Tousethistool,youmustbecomeawareofthewaythatnegativeself-talk
looksatasituation,thentellsyouaboutit,andthentellsyouthewaythestoryisgoingtoend.Let’ssay,asanexample,thatyoureallywanttogetmarried.Youhadablind
datethisweekthatdidn’tturnoutwell.Yournegativeself-talkonthewayhomefromthedatetoldyou,“Whataloser.Iamamagnetforidiots.Iwillneverfindsomeone.”Thenthestorystartstoevolveoutofthenegativeself-talk.Youmighttell
yourselfthatyouneverdeservetobemarried.Thatyourchildhoodtaintedyouforever.Youmighttalkaboutyourfutureasan“oldmaid,”neverhavingchildrenorlearningwhatit’sliketoberomancedandseduced.Youmightgoonandonandonaboutyourfriendsandtheirlivesandcompareyourself.Beforeyouknowit,youhavewrittenyourlifestoryrelativetothisissue.Youknowhowthestoryends,andyou“giveup”becausethereisn’tanypointincontinuing.
1. Tobreakthecycleandtellyourselfmoreengagingandbehavior-changingstories,firstbecomeawareofhowthenegativereactionturnsintoastoryaboutthewayyourlifewillgo.Writeinyourjournal(ifyouhaven’tstarted
onebythistime,startitnow)aboutsituationsthatupsetyouorbotheryou.Identifyyournegativeself-talkassociatedwiththem.Reviewwhatyouhavewrittenandseeifyoucanconnectorunderstandhowthe“story”goesfromsimplyanegativereactiontoafaitaccompli.
2. Next,lookatthesituationyouhavewritteninyourjournal.Makeupanotherstoryabouthowitcoulddevelop.Youcanhavefunwiththis.Perhapstellastoryaboutawomanwhowasonabusonedayandfoundtheloveofherlife.Shewasn’tlookingforit,butallofasuddentherehewas!Youcanmakeyourstoryfun,andyoucanmakeitinthethirdpersonifitdoesn’tfeelrighttotalkaboutyourself.Theimportantthingistocreatethenewstory.Keepembellishingit.Youcanmakeitdramaticandcomplexorbasicandsimple.Itdoesn’tmatter—it’syourstory!Youarewritingtheplotline,thecharacters,andtheending.Makeyourendingshappyones.
Itmayseemsilly,butthisactuallyorientsyourmindtomorepositivethings.Youmightfindyourselfsmilingorjustfeelinghappywhenyouengageinthestorytellingprocess.Itoftenbringsasenseofhopeandoptimism.Itiswhy,aschildren,manyenjoyfairytalesandhappyendings.Wewantthegoodguystowin,andthebadguystobepunished—inmostcases.Makesurethatyou,asthegoodguyorgalwiththestarringrole,comeoutawinnerinallofyourstories.
Tool4:UsingtheSTOP!Technique
Sometimesit’snecessarytointerrupttheflowofnegativethoughtsandfeelingsinyourmindbydoingsomethingabitdramatic.TheSTOP!approachinvolvesfirstnoticingthenegativethoughtsarethereandthenchoosingtostopthemintheirtracks.
1. Whenanegativethoughtorfeelingcomesuponyou,andyounoticeitbecauseitdrainsyourenergyandyoufeeleitherangry,depressed,or
defeated,youmustfirstrealizethenegativityisthere.2. Imaginearedstopsignattheendofastreetleadingtoanintersection.Say
outloudtoyourself,“STOP!”Interrupttheflow.Tellyourmindtostopinitstracks.Stoptherollingthoughtsasyouwouldstoptherollingcarbeforeitenterstheintersection.Saytoyourself,“IchoosetoSTOP!”Andthendo.Juststop.Don’twonder.Don’truminate.Don’tquestion.Juststop.
3. Itcanbehelpfultohaveapositivethoughttoreplacethenegativeone.Ifyouhaveamantrathatyoulikeoraprayer,meditation,orsongthatmakesyoufeelgood,havethisready.Onceyoustopthenegativeflow,turntothepositiveandupliftingthoughts.Youmaycallupononeofthepositiveself-talksentencesyouhavelearnedthroughoutthisbook.Youmayjustcalluponaone-ortwo-linesongthathasalwaysmadeyoufeelgood.Whateveryouhaveinyourtoolkit,bringitoutnowandfocusonit.Theimportantkeyistostoptheruminating,andthenreplaceitwithsomethingmorepositiveandmoreresourceful.
4. Dothisasmanytimesasyouneedtountilthenegativeself-talkhasleft.Continuetoreplacethenegativitywithsomethingpositive.STOPthenegativityrightinitstracksbeforeitcanaddmorefueltoyourworryoranxiety.Youcanstopit—choosetodoso.
Tool5:FindingaPartner
Theinsidiousthingaboutnegativeself-talkisthatmanypeopledon’twanttoadmittoothersthattheyengageinitandthatitishurtingthem.Itjustseemsnaturaltotalktoyourselfaboutwhatyousee,whatyouthinkaboutit,andhowitmightimpactyou.Allthewhileyourmindisunsettledandanxietyisrising.Havingabuddy,orapartner,canbeveryusefulbecauseitmeansyoucanbringnegativeself-talktothesurfaceandquestionit.Whenyoubegintotalktoothers,youwillfindthatmanypeoplesuffertheconsequencesofnegativeself-talkinavarietyofways.
1. Ifpossible,identifysomeoneinyourlifewhoseemsillatease.Perhapsthepersonworriestoomuch,ortellsyouabouthisconcerns.Hemighttalkaboutsituationsinanegativelight.Thispersonmayneedyourhelp,andinturnyoucouldbenefitfromhisassistance.Approachhimandlethimknowyouarereadingthisbookandhavebecomecommittedtoworkingwithyournegativeself-talkandturningitintosomethingmorepositiveandhealthy.Askhimifhe’dbewillingtobea“buddy”withyou.Picksomeonethatyoucantrustandwithwhomyouwouldbecomfortablesharingyourthoughtsandfeelingsinsomedetail.
2. First,establishsomeparameters.Willyoucheckineachday?Willyoucheckinwhenyoufeeloverwhelmedbythenegativeself-talk?Willyoucheckinviae-mailorviaphone?Howwillyouworktogethertohelponeanother?Next,youwanttoestablishwhatyouwilltalkabout.Doyouwanttoeachidentifyonetothreeincidentsduringatimeperiodwhereyouresortedtonegativeself-talkanditwasnotbeneficial?Doyouwanttopracticeturningnegativeself-talkintopositiveself-talktogether?Doyouwanttoexploreoptionswithoneanotheraboutwhatyoucouldhavesaid,ordone?Last,haveafollow-upplan.It’snotenoughtojustidentifywhat’shappening—youhavetohaveagreementwithoneanotheraboutwhatyouwilldodifferently.Youwanttoobservetheplaceswhereyougetintotroublebutalsocelebratetheprogressyouaremaking.
3. Usethefollowingtemplateforworkingwithyourpartnertotakeholdofyouranxietyandcalmyouranxiousmindwithmorepositiveself-talk.
Nameofmypartner:Whenwewillconnect:Howwewillconnect:Ourobjectivetogether:Groundrulesforourworkingtogether:Ourfollow-upplanseachtimewespeak:
Themoreyoucandiscussupfrontthemannerinwhichyouwillinteracttogether,thebetteroutcomeyouwillhave.Youwillfindyoubenefitfromhavinganotherpersonwhoisopentolearningmoreandwillingtotalkabouthisexperiences.
PositiveSelf-TalkIsNotaNewConcept!ÉmileCoué(1857–1926),aphysician,formulatedtheLawsofSuggestion.Heisalsoknownforencouraginghispatientstosaytothemselvestwentytothirtytimeseachnightbeforegoingtosleep,“Everydayineveryway,Iamgettingbetterandbetter.”Healsodiscoveredthatdeliveringpositivesuggestionatthesametimehewasgivingpatientstheirmedicineprovedtobeamoreeffectivecurethanprescribingmedicinealone.
Tool6:HandyAffirmations
Thereareanumberofdifferentgeneralaffirmationsyoucanuseatanytimeandputintoyourpersonaltoolkit.ReferbacktotheassessmentyoucompletedinChapter2.Youwereaskedtoidentifyareasthatareparticularlyunsettlingtoyouandthatcreateanxiety.Youmayhaveidentifiedthingsthatarehardertopindown,suchasagenerallackofself-worthorguiltoverthingsyouhavedoneinthepast.Thesemaynotbetiedtoaspecificcatalystorevent.Theymaycomeuponyouatanypointintimeandcauseyourmindtogetanxiousandupset.Asyouhavelearned,thewaynegativeself-talkworksisthatitsneaksin
unannounced.Youmaybegoingaboutyourdaythinkingyouarereasonablycontentandhappy,andallofasuddenanagitationstartswithin.Probablywhathashappenedisthatnegativeself-talkhaspickedupononeofthethingsthatmakesyouanxious—say,thinkingaboutpasttroubleyouhavebeenin—anditbeginstotalktoyouaboutwhatajerkyouwere,howyoucannevermakeupforthetroubleyoucaused,andwhataterriblepersonyouturnedouttobe!Becauseofthisdynamic,youneedsomegeneralaffirmationstocarryaround
withyouthatyoucancalluponatanytime.Unliketheotherpositiveself-talk
withyouthatyoucancalluponatanytime.Unliketheotherpositiveself-talkyouhavelearnedabout,whichisconnectedtospecificsituationsordesires,thesearemoregeneralaffirmationstobeusedinanycircumstance.Liketheothertoolsinyourtoolkit,youholdontotheseandbringthemoutwhenyouneedthem.
PositiveAffirmationsforAllOccasions
“Everydayineveryway,Iamgettingbetterandbetter”(attributedtoÉmileCoué).“Lifeisfundamentallygood.Itisonlymyattitudethatneedstochangeforthebetter.”“Imovetowardhappinessandcontentmenteveryday.”“Icanchoosetobecalmanytimebytakingthreedeepbreaths.”“WorryiswastedenergythatImightneediftroubleeverdoescomemyway.IsavemyenergytodealwiththingsastheycomeandwhenIneedto.”“Ichoosehappiness.”“IcanuninvitenegativethoughtsandfeelingsanytimeIchoose.Ipicturemyselflettingthemgo.”“Ithinkpositivethoughts.Ifeelpositivefeelings.Iamapositiveperson.”“Lifeisfilledwithobstacles,butsowhat?Peoplehavebeenovercomingobstaclessincethebeginningoftime.SocanI.”“Iaminchargeofmythoughtsandmyfeelings.”“Feelingnegativeisawasteoftime.Iamonlygivensomanydaysonthisearth,andIwanttomakethemostoftheonesIamgiven.”“IdeliberatelyturnmyattentiontoapositivestepIcantake.”“Icanalwayschoosetodojustonethingdifferently.”“Iholdthepowertochooseinfavorofmyself.Ichoosecalm.Ichoosecontentment.Ichoosepeace.”
“Iamcapable.Imakegooddecisions.Ionlyneedtochangemymindsetandmyself-talk,andmysituationcanchange.”“Imakemymindablank.Insteadofworrying,stressing,orgivingintoanxiety,Ichoosetoallowmymindtobeablankcanvas.What’spaintedonthecanvasnextwillbegoodforme.Iamdrawntopositiveoutcomes.”
PackingYourToolkit
Reviewtheoptionsavailabletoyouinthischapter.Itcanbehelpfultotestoutmorethanoneandseewhatworksbestforyou.Andonsomedays,youmayneedtocalluponanumberofdifferenttools.Youmayfindthatonetoolworksgreatinonesituation,andanotherworkswellforsomethingelse.Usethemwherethey’reappropriate.(Don’tcloseyoureyesoruseself-hypnosiswhenyouaredriving,forexample.Don’ttellyourstoriesoutloudtopeoplewhodon’tknowwhatyouaredoing.)Besureyouchecktimeandplaceandcallupontherighttoolattherighttime.Thegoodnewsisthatyoucanuseallofthesetoolsindifferentsituations.
Rememberthatyouarepowerfulandyouhavewaystorespondtothosesituationsthathavecausedyouanxietyinthepast.Youcancalmyourownanxiousmindbytakingtherightsteps.Youaremakingadecisiontostarttakingthosestepsrightnow.Goodluckonyourjourney!
AbouttheAuthor
BeverlyD.Flaxington,theHumanBehaviorCoach,isatwo-timebestsellingandGold-awardwinningauthor.Sheisacorporateconsultantandtrainer,anexecutivecoach,asuccessfulentrepreneur,aHypnotherapistandHypnosisTrainer,acollegeprofessor,amotivationalpublicspeaker,andaCertifiedBehavioralandValuesAnalyst.Bev’sworkhasbeenfeaturedinhundredsofmediaoutletsincludingtheWallStreetJournal,MSNBC.com,Reader’sDigest,USAToday,andmanyothers.Sheisaprovenexpertinhumanbehaviorandchangemanagement,sales,
marketing,stressmanagement,hypnosis,timemanagement,lifeandcareerchange,teambuilding,communication,andbusinessbuilding.Bevisalsodevotedtoanimalrescueandcurrentlyhassevenpetsofherowninadditiontomultiplefosters.ShelivesinMassachusettswithherhusbandandthreechildren.
Acknowledgments
WiththankstoPeterArcherforhiseditingtalent,toVictoriaSandbrookforfindingmeandproposingthisidea,andtoBrendanO’Neillformakingitallhappen.
Copyright©2013byBeverlyD.Flaxington.Allrightsreserved.
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