1

By Simon Sladen and Daisy Jervis

[Script Excerpts]

2

© Simon Sladen and Daisy Jervis 2014 Simon Sladen and Daisy Jervis have asserted his rights under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the authors of this work. All rights reserved. No part of this script may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the copyright holder. All rights whatsoever in this production are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before rehearsals begin to the copyright holders via s.sladen@live.co.uk. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained.

3

Cast Cheshire Cat Small Alice Alice Tall Alice Teacher Rabbit Caterpillar Mad Hatter Hare Rose Lily Violet Tweedle Dum Tweedle Dee Queen of Arts King Neil Princess Ruby Classmate 1 Classmate 2 Classmate 3 Classmate 4 Classmate 5

Scene Synopsis

Scene 1 - Wonderland Secondary School / The Classroom Scene 2 - The Science Lab Scene 3 - The Playground Scene 4 – Somewhere / Nowhere Scene 5 - The Canteen Scene 6 - The School Playing Field Scene 7 - The Art Room Scene 8 - The Classroom

4

[Excerpt 1]

SCENE ONE - Wonderland Secondary School

[...]

School bell rings

Teacher: Sit down and shut up. Yes, all of you.

Classmate 1: Even me?

Teacher: Are you in this class?

Classmate 1: No.

Teacher: Well, no then, oh, what, oh stop being silly and sit down.

Classmate 2: Here?

Teacher: (with back turned) Wherever you like. (turns back round) Not on the floor!

Classmates all sit on floor

Teacher: What are you doing?

Classmate 2: You told us. We heard you say it.

Teacher: What? Sit on the floor?

Classmate 3: See, she’s said it twice now.

Teacher: Oh I despair!

Classmate 4: Think how we feel.

Teacher: Enough! Today marks the day you go on a thrilling adventure and finally start to make use of your existence in the world! Yes that’s right kids, you are going to learn something, probably, possibly, hopefully. You will (crossing fingers) achieve our school’s targets of the top grades in the country and, this is my favourite part, you will have mountains and mountains of homework!

Classmate 5: Miss, would you punish us for something we didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

5

Classmate 5: Good, then I’m not going to do my homework!

(Students erupt)

Teacher: Enough! Right, let’s kick off your first day: Register time! Alice, Brenda,

Emma, Amy, Nora, Ria, Mary, Paul…

During this register, Alice gets up once her name has been called and exits, believing she can do so. She exits and suddenly spots a rabbit running down the corridor.

Rabbit: Oh my word! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!

Alice: Now this is curious! How did R1’s classroom pet escape? Rabbit: I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date! No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! Alice: And he’s speaking in rhyme. Whatever he’s late for, it must be awfully important! Excuse me, err Mr. Rabbit, wait! Rabbit: No, no, no, I'm overdue. I really am in a stew. No time to say goodbye, hello!

I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! (exit)

6

[Excerpt 2]

SCENE FOUR – Somewhere, Nowhere

Alice: Oh I’m lost.

Cheshire Cat: Oh I’m lost.

Alice: I’m lost too.

Cheshire Cat: Well I’m not.

Alice: But you just said you were.

Cheshire Cat: No, you just said you were.

Alice: Did I? I Did. Did You?

Cheshire Cat: No. Who are you talking to?

Alice: Somebody.

Cheshire Cat: Well I’m a no-body, so it can’t be me.

Alice: Cheshire, is that you again?

Cheshire Cat: What gave me away? What gave me away?

Alice: Oh Cheshire! Can you help point me in the right direction? Please?

Cheshire Cat: That depends on where you want to go.

Alice: I’m not sure...

Cheshire Cat: In that case it doesn’t matter which way you go.

Alice: ...so long as I get out of here.

Cheshire Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if you just keep walking, you’ll find somewhere, somewhen, somehow.

Alice: So it’ll take some while then? What is there around these parts?

Cheshire Cat: Not what, who.

Alice: Bless you.

7

Cheshire Cat: Thank you. (coughs) In that direction, full of chatter, you’ll find a man they

call the Hatter, whilst over there, beyond my hand, you’ll find the Queen of Wonderland. Visit both, one good one bad, but remember this, they’ll be

quite mad.

Alice: Mad? Mad? But I don't want to be amongst mad people.

Cheshire Cat: You’ve already started to repeat yourself and talk to animals. You can’t help it here. We’re all mad. I'm mad. You're mad. Madness is so many

different things, yet the same all at once.

Alice: How do you know I'm mad?

Cheshire Cat: You must be, or you would have questioned my last utterance. Mad, mad, mad, glad, bad, fad, mad, mad, mad, must put the cat out of the bag and into

the bin. Toodaloo!

Alice: How confusing. Cheshire! Cheshire? Where has he gone?

8

[Excerpt 3]

SCENE FIVE – The School Canteen

Alice walks into the canteen, there’s a giant tea party going on, which is set up with lots of

tea cups and party hats etc.

Hatter / Hare: A ho diddle diddle and a hey diddle dee, how we laugh, hee hee hee!

Hatter: Tickets please.

Hare: But my face is my ticket.

Hatter: I have strict orders to punch all tickets.

Hare: Does that make you the Box Office!

Hatter / Hare: A ho diddle diddle and a hey diddle dee, how we laugh, hee hee...

Hatter: ...Hey wait a minute!

Hare: Tickets please, didn’t you hear the Hatter?

Hatter: It’s very rude to turn up and invite yourself to our little soiree without a ticket.

Hare: And anyway, we’re sold out. There’s no room.

Alice: But there’s plenty of room!

Hatter: Usher!

Hare: Yes Musher.

Hatter: Usher her out!

Hare: Usher her out, over and out. Alice: No, wait. Oh, I'm very sorry, it just looked so inviting...

Hatter: Oh, what a delightful girl! You shall go to the ball. She said the magic word.

Hare: She did?

Hatter: Oh yes.

Hare: She did!

9

Hatter / Hare: A ho diddle diddle and a hey diddle dee, how we laugh, hee hee hee

Hatter: I'm so excited, we never get compliments! You must have a cup of tea!

Hare: Ah, yes indeed! The tea, you must have a cup of tea! Tea, tea, tiddlee die dee.

Hatter: Pass the sugar.

Hare: Pass the pot.

Hatter: Pas-ta sauce. Alice: I’m terribly sorry I interrupted your birthday party.

Hatter: Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...waiiiit!

Hare: Wait!

Alice: Wait? Hatter: How silly! It is not my birthday.

Hare: It’s not.

Alice: It’s not?

Hatter: It’s not. It’s my unbirthday! I wasn’t born today.

Hare: He wasn’t.

Alice: He wasn’t?

Hatter: I wasn’t, so it’s my unbirthday.

Hare: Imagine having just one birthday every year.

Hatter: How absurd!

Hare/Hatter: A ho diddle diddle and a hey diddle dee, how we laugh, hee hee hee!

Hatter: Join in Alice!

Hare/Hatter: A ho diddle diddle and a hey diddle dee, how we laugh, hee hee hee!

Hatter: What are you laughing at?

10

Hare: Why are we celebrating?

Hatter: Is it a special occasions. Oh I do love parties. Mummy, bake a cake and book the donkey! Order the pastries and charter the yacht.

11

[Excerpt 4]

SCENE SIX: The School Playing Field

[...]

Alice: Hello.

Lily: OMG, what is that?

Violet: Minging.

Lily: Looks like a chav.

Violet: Blates is.

Alice: Hello, I’m Alice.

Rose: (mocking) Hello I’m Alice.

Lily: Who does it think it is?

Violet: Kate Middleton.

Rose: (mocking in posh accent) Oh hello there subject.

Lily: This ain’t Made in Chelsea.

Rose: Shuuut uuuup.

[...]

Alice: Do you have to be so mean?

Violet: No, but we’re very good at it.

Lily: Now move along, before you offend us any more.

Rose: Get out of it. Go on. Get out of it.

All: Ugly Alice!

SONG

(Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee enter)

Both: Dum, dum, dum, dee, dee, dee, you’ve got a face like a chimpanzee (laugh)

12

Dum: Look Dum, a girl.

Dum: Why are you laughing?

Alice: I’m not laughing, I’m crying.

Both: Oh dear.

Dum: Would you like to hear our song?

Dee: It’ll cheer you up.

Both: Dum, dum, dum, dee, dee, dee, you’ve got a face like a chimpanzee.

Alice: Are you always so happy?

Dum: Oh yes, what’s there not to be happy about?

Dee: Every day’s a new one to sing, dance and be merry.

Alice: What a wonderful way to live.

Both: We think so.

Alice: Well I’m very pleased to have met you, Mr?

Dum: He’s Tweedle Dee.

Dee: And he’s Tweedle Dum.

Both: Pleased to meet you. What’s your name Alice?

Alice: Why, Alice.

Both: Correct! How wonderful.

[...]

13

[Excerpt 5]

SCENE SEVEN: The Art Studio

SONG

Rabbit: Pray silence for her grace, her Excellency, the ruler of Wonderland, her royal Highness the Queen of ‘arts

All: All hail the Queen. (bow)

Queen: Alright, alright. Get up, get up, stop looking for woodlice or whatever it is you do when I enter the room. Where’s my husband, Neil?

All: (kneel)

Queen: Not kneel you numbskulls, Neil?

Rabbit: Pray silence for his royal lowness, the downtrodden Duke, Neil the Numbskull.

All: All kneel for Neil.

Queen: Get up, get up.

Neil: Hello my loyal objects, I mean subjects. (Queen whacks him)

Queen: Where is that good for nothing daughter of ours?

Neil: Listening to Justin Bieber on her iPod.

Queen: I hate, hate, hate Justin Bieber.

Neil: And three eights are twenty four.

Queen: Summon her this instant. She’s acting like a baby, baby, baby, oooh.

Neil: See what she did there?

Rabbit: Call the lazy good for nothing teenage dirt bag.

All: Call the lazy good for nothing teabag.

14

[Excerpt 6]

SCENE EIGHT: The Classroom

Teacher: Alice, Alice, wake up.

Alice: I’m home.

Student (laughs) Erm…no you’re not.

Student: You’re at school.

Alice: That’s what I meant.

Student: Can you believe she fell asleep during the register!

Teacher: Drifted off to your own little wonderland did we Alice?

Alice: Sorry Miss.

Teacher: Yes, well lay off the late night Playstation sessions next time. (Bell) There’s the bell everyone, off you go.

(Students rush out)

Student: Come on Alice!

SONG