Saturday Night Live Portfolio

8/2/2019 Saturday Night Live Portfolio

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Saturday Night Live Portfolio

Jessica Johnson [email protected]

630-341-5377


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(Jessica Johnson)THE EX-CANDIDATES CLUB

CHARACTERS: TIM PAWLENTY (ED HELMS), RICK PERRY (BILL),MICHELLE BACHMANN (KRISTEN), JON HUNTSMAN (TARAN), HERMANCAIN (KENAN)

(OPEN ON: A COZY LIVING ROOM WITH A BAR SETUP IN THE BACKCORNER AND A COUCH AND CHAIRS SURROUNDING A COFFEE TABLE WITHBOARD GAMES STACKED ON IT.)

(THE DOOR OPENS AND TIMPAWLENTY (ED HELMS) LEADS A BLINDFOLDED RICK PERRY (BILL)INSIDE.)

ED

Watch your step, there, Rick.

BILL

Oh, gosh, Tim, I havent done

anything like this since my

days in the Air Force.

(MICHELLE BACHMANN (KRISTEN)ENTERS FROM A DOOR THE OTHERSIDE OF THE ROOM.)

KRISTEN

Oh, hes here! Jon, hes here!

THE EX-CANDIDATES CLUB 1

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TARAN (O.C.)Hes here?

BILL

Is that Michele?

(BILL ATTEMPTS TO WALK TOWARDSHER BUT BUMPS INTO A SMALL ENDTABLE, KNOCKING IT OVER.)

ED

Rick, you can take the

blindfold off now.

(HE DOES.)

BILL

Well, hi there, Michelle.

Arent you a sight for sore

eyes.

(JON HUNTSMAN (TARAN) ENTERSBEHIND HER.)

BILL (CONTD)

Jon Huntsman? Youre here,

too?

ED

Rick Perry, wed like to

welcome you as the newest


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member of the Ex-Candidates

Club.

BILL

Oh, wow! This is awesome! Is

there a secret handshake?

TARAN

No, theres no handshake.

BILL

Can I make one up? I did one

for my fraternity. First, it

went like this.

(HE GRABS EDS RIGHT HAND WITHHIS LEFT.)

BILL (CONTD)

Then you twist.

(HE WRENCHES EDS WRIST TO THELEFT.)

ED

OW!

(BILL HOLDS HIM THERE,

FROZEN.)


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BILLShoot. I dont remember the

third part. What did you say,

Timmy?

ED

Ow.

BILL(releasing him)

Sorry about that.

TARAN

Say, Rick, can I get you a

drink?

BILL

That sounds swell.

TARAN

Whats your pleasure? I make a

mean Virgin Strawberry

Daiquiri or I could whip you

up a Safe Sex on the Beach.

BILL

Oh, you pick.

(AS TARAN GLEEFULLY GOES BACKTO THE BAR, BILL SIDLES UP TOKRISTEN.)


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BILL (CONTD)Whys the Mormon manning the

bar?

(PRODUCING A FLASK FROM INSIDEHER JACKET.)

KRISTEN

It makes him feel useful.

Dont worry, I got you

covered.

BILL

Michelle, I had no idea you

were such a bad girl.

KRISTEN

Only when Im off the clock.

KENAN (O.C.)

Hey, somebody open this door!

(ED OPENS THE DOOR FOR HERMANCAIN (KENAN), WHO IS HOLDINGSEVERAL LARGE PIZZA BOXES.)

KENAN (CONTD)

Dont tell me you started

without me!


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EDNo, we were just getting Rick

settled in.

KENAN

Why dont you take these off

my hands, TPaw. I brought a

Super Taco for our new friend

here and a Hot Stuff for Mrs.

Bachmann.

(ED TAKES THE PIZZA BOXES FROMHIM AND SETS THEM DOWN BY THEBAR.)

KRISTEN

No, thank you.

KENAN

Oh, I know you want it.

(TARAN RETURNS WITH BILLSDRINK.)

BILL

Herman, buddy, its great to

see you. So, whats next,

guys? A little game of pin the

tax returns on Mitt Romney?


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(THE OTHERS BEGIN TAKING THEIRSEATS AROUND THE COFFEETABLE.)

TARAN

Not exactly.

ED

See, the Ex-Candidates

meetings are board game

tournaments.

BILL

Seriously?

KRISTEN

Oh yes. Except for every third

meeting. Those are bareknuckle

boxing matches. But that was

last time, so tonight, its

board games.

(BILL TAKES A PLACE ON THECOUCH.)

BILL

Well, what does the winner

get?


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KENANIts not so much about

winning. Its more about not

losing.

BILL

Then what does the loser get?

ALL

Vice President.

BILL

That doesnt sound that bad.

KRISTEN

Think about it.

BILL(a bit more concerned)

So, what are we playing?

ED

Memory.

BILL

Oh man, that totally reminds

me of something.

KENAN

Whats that?


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BILLWhat was it? Its on the tip

of my tongue. I got it! LIVE

FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY

NIGHT!

(OUT)


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(Jessica Johnson)NATHAN FILLION MONOLOGUE

CHARACTERS: NATHAN, TARAN

(OPEN ON: NATHAN ENTERS.)

NATHAN

Thank you so much! It's so

great to be here hosting

Saturday Night Live and its

wonderful to be back in New

York City. This is where I had

my first job on television,

playing Joey Buchanan on the

soap opera One Life to Live .

And really, I wouldnt be here

if it werent for everything I

learned from that experience.

Sadly, One Life to Live aired

its final episode in January.

NATHAN FILLION MONOLOGUE 1

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The daytime soap opera is now

one of the most endangered

species in all of television

and if we do not act, it may

disappear forever.

Now, I know what some of you

are thinking. Nathan, soaps

are stupid. Theyre nothing

but an endless string of

incomprehensible plotlines

strung together by cheesy

music. Well, Im in no

position to argue with you. In

my soap opera days I played a

young man deflowered by a

woman twice my age, who then

broke up with me after being

kidnapped by one of my

mothers alternate

personalities. But its only

through ridiculous fantasy

like this, that we can get in


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touch with our own humanity.

Many of your favorite actors

got their start in daytime

soaps, including Demi Moore,

Tommy Lee Jones, Susan

Sarandon and even the great

Kevin Baconthe man that

connects all of Hollywood

together by his mere presence.

Now, we soap stars of yore are

all gathering together to save

the art form that gave us our

careers and I am pleased to

invite my fellow daytime

graduates on to this stage now

for the introduction of our

new Don't Drop the Soaps

campaign.

(TARAN SHEEPISHLY MAKES HIS

WAY ONSTAGE.)NATHAN (CONTD)

What's the matter? They're not

coming are they?


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(TARAN SHAKES HIS HEAD.)NATHAN (CONTD)

No Kevin?

(HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AGAIN.)

NATHAN (CONTD)

Demi?

(ANOTHER NO HEAD SHAKE.)

NATHAN (CONTD)

So, it's just me?

(TARAN NODS HIS HEAD.)

NATHAN (CONTD)

Well, I guess that's that. But

we've still got a great show

for you tonight, Underscore is

here, so stick around, we'll

be right back.

(OUT)


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(Jessica Johnson)A PRESCRIPTION FOR GIRL SCOUT COOKIES

CHARACTERS: ANNA MARIA CHAVEZ (NASIM)

(OPEN ON: CLOSE UP ON ANNA MARIA CHAVEZ (NASIM) WHO IS FACINGTHE CAMERA. BEHIND HER FOOTAGE OF GIRL SCOUTS DOING NICE,WHOLESOME ACTIVITIES PLAYS.)

NASIM

Hello, Im Anna Maria Chavez,

the CEO of Girls Scouts of

America. You may have heard

about recent attacks on our

organization for its

association with groups like

Planned Parenthood and for our

acceptance of transgender

children. We at the GSA are

committed to the sexual health

and education of our members

and are recommitting our

A PRESCRIPTION FOR GIRL SCOUT COOKIES 1

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efforts this Girl Scout cookie

season with some new baked

goods fresh from the oven.

(CUT TO: A YOUNG BOY WEARINGLIPSTICK AND A DRESS, MUNCHINGCOOKIES.)

NASIM

Butterflies: for your little

boy who knows hes really a

girl. These crispy sugar

cookies are topped with

rainbow sprinkles and a dose

of estrogen for that extra

hormonal boost.

(CUT TO: A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRLOPENING A BOX OF 28 COOKIESARRANGED IN A CIRCLE WITH THEDAYS OF THE WEEK MARKED NEXTTO EACH.)

NASIM

Chaperones: eat one of these

frosted gingerbread treats

every day and your little girl

will never have to worry about

covering up a baby bump.


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(CUT TO: A DISTRAUGHT TEENAGEGIRL BITING INTO A COOKIE.)

NASIM

And finally, Whoopsie Daisies,

for those dire moments, these

angel food cookies have a

luscious raspberry filling,

with a morning after

marshmallow at the center.

(CUT TO: NASIM, WHO IS SELLINGCOOKIES AT A TABLE WITH YOUNGGIRL SCOUTS NEXT TO THEPHARMACY COUNTER AT A DRUGSTORE.)

NASIM

Here at the Girl Scouts of

America we care about your

daughters, so place your

cookie orders today and show

that you do, too!

(OUT)


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(Jessica Johnson)HERB WELCH GOES TO COLLEGE

CHARACTERS: TEACHER (NATHAN), MAX (TARAN), JERRY (BOBBY),JAMIE (VANESSA), ERICA (ABBY), HERB WELCH (BILL)

(OPEN ON: A COLLEGE CLASSROOM. THE TEACHER (NATHAN) IS AT THEFRONT AND THE STUDENTS, MAX (TARAN), JERRY (BOBBY), JAMIE(VANESSA) AND ERICA (ABBY) ARE SITTING AT DESKS.)

NATHAN

Good morning, everyone. Thanks

so much for coming to todays

special session. We have a

very important guest with 75

years of broadcasting

experience visiting us. Please

welcome WXPDs Herb Welch.

(HERB WELCH (BILL) SLOWLYWALKS IN, MICROPHONE IN HAND.NATHAN REACHES OUT TO SHAKEHIS NON-MIC HAND.)

NATHAN

Thank you for coming, Mr.

Welch.

HERB WELCH GOES TO COLLEGE 1

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BILLWho are you?

(BILL THRUSTS THE MICROPHONEINTO NATHANS FACE, HITTINGHIM IN THE MOUTH.)

NATHAN

Im the instructor for the

broadcasting class here at the

college.

BILL

Look at the camera when you

talk.

NATHAN

Sir, there is no camera.

BILL

Its right there.

(BILL POINTS AT BOBBY.)

NATHAN

Thats Jerry, one of our

students.

BILLKids got a funny-shaped head.


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NATHANWell, I was hoping that you

could talk to the students a

little about your career and

give them an idea of what they

have to look forward to.

BILL

You can look forward to

attending a lot funerals.

Already been to three this

week.

NATHAN

Thats not really what I was

looking for.

BILL

Dont you handle me, hippy.

NATHAN

Fine. How about I hand things

over to the students. Well

let them turn the microphoneon you.


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BILLNobody touches my microphone.

Not even Harry Truman got to

touch this microphone.

NATHAN

Thats not what I Whatever.

Jamie, please.

(VANESSA STANDS. BILL BEGINSSLOWLY MOVING TOWARDS HER,MICROPHONE OUTSTRETCHED.)

VANESSA

Mr. Welch, I was just

wondering, how has your role

been impacted by the increased

popularity of online

journalism.

BILL

You can stand in line all day,

you little chippy, youre not

getting my job.

VANESSA I didnt mean

BILL

Sit down or Ill put you down.


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BILLWhat kind of nursery are you

running here?

NATHAN

Erica, did you have a question

for Mr. Welch?

(ABBY STANDS AND BILL, AGAINBEGINS ADVANCING ON HER WITHTHE MIC READY.)

ABBY

Yes, I was hoping you could

talk to us about how you avoid

giving in to the trend of

sensationalism in the news

media.

(BILL HITS HER WITH THE MICJUST AS SHE FINISHES THEQUESTION.)

NATHAN

That is a fantastic question,

Erica. Mr. Welch what do you

say?BILL

I say get me a cup of coffee

and stop yammering or Ill


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send you back to the kitchen

where you belong.

NATHAN

Alright, that is really

uncalled for.

(BILL SOCKS NATHAN IN THE FACEWITH THE MICROPHONE AND HEFALLS TO THE FLOOR. THEN HETURNS THE MICROPHONE TOWARDSBOBBY WHO FLINCHES BUT ISNTHIT WITH IT.)

BILL

You, Lumpy-head, you got a

question?

BOBBY

I guess I was just wondering

if you had any advice for

breaking into television.

BILL

I like your style, kid. You

come with me and well go

break into the TV studio. Theychanged the locks on me two

weeks ago but thats not gonna

stop you now is it?


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BOBBYNo?

BILL

Lets go. Leave these sacks of

manure behind, youre mine

now, boy. Speaking of, you

know how to change a colostomy

bag?

BOBBY

No.

BILL

Well, youll learn in the car.

Come on.

(BILL AND BOBBY EXIT.)

(OUT)


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(Jessica Johnson)OSCAR BAIT 3-D

CHARACTERS: ANNOUNCER (BILL), RYAN (NATHAN), ANNA (KRISTEN),DOCTOR (JASON)

(OPEN ON: A TENT IN A WORLD WAR II-ERA FIELD HOSPITAL. RYAN(NATHAN) IS HEAVILY BANDAGED, INCLUDING HIS EYES, LYING ON A COT.)

BILL (V.O.)

From the Weinstein Company,

comes the most tragic,

uplifting, romantic, true

story of the year. Based on

the best-selling novel, its

Oscar Bait 3-D .

(ANNA (KRISTEN), A NURSEENTERS AS NATHAN IS FRANTICLYSEARCHING FOR SOMETHING, ARMSFLAILING WILDLY TOWARDS THE

CAMERA.)KRISTEN

Dont get up. Let me help you.

OSCAR BAIT 3-D 1

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NATHANI was looking for my shoes.

KRISTEN

Theyre right here.

NATHAN

Could you throw one far away

for me. Its a sign of luck

where I come from. The longer

you throw it, the longer my

luck will last.

KRISTEN

Of course.

(SHE CHUCKS ONE OF HIS SHOESTOWARDS THE CAMERA.)

NATHAN

How far did it go?

KRISTEN

Far. Very far.

(MUSIC: SWEEPING, DRAMATICMUSIC PLAYS.)

HE GRABS HER HAND.NATHAN

Anna, tell me about your life.

Back home.

OSCAR BAIT 3-D 2

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KRISTENOh, you dont want to hear

about my little old life.

(A PIGEON FLIES THROUGH THETENT TOWARDS THE CAMERA.)

NATHAN

Please. My unit was blown to

bits. Ive lost my sight. I

have a terrible case of

athletes foot. And I may not

last the night. Please, tell

me about something beautiful.

(SHE SITS DOWN ON A STOOL NEXTTO HIS COT.)

KRISTEN

Well, I grew up on a farm in

Nebraska.

NATHAN

Nebraska? Is it nice there?

KRISTEN

Its alright.NATHAN

And why did you become a

nurse?

OSCAR BAIT 3-D 3

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KRISTENI guess I wanted to see the

world.

NATHAN

What did you do for fun back

there in Nebraska.

KRISTEN

I taught underprivileged

minorities how to read so they

could have more fulfilling

futures and I could overcome

my white guilt.

(MUSIC: THE DRAMATIC MUSICSWELLS AGAIN.)

NATHAN

Oh, Anna. I love you

desperately even though Ive

never seen you.

KRISTEN

Oh, Ryan. Ive loved you since

the first moment they dragged

you in here bleeding and

screaming.

OSCAR BAIT 3-D 4

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NATHANPromise me that if I dont

make it out of here

KRISTEN

Dont say that!

NATHAN

Please, Anna! If I die here, I

want you to go to my mother in

Indiana. Tell her that before

I died, I loved a beautiful

woman. And tell her that I

died like a man.

(SUDDENLY, AN EXPLOSION GOESOFF NEAR THE TENT, SENDINGDEBRIS FLYING TOWARDS THECAMERA. NATHAN HAS BEENINJURED AND A RIDICULOUSAMOUNT OF BLOOD IS GUSHING OUTOF HIS WOUND IN THE DIRECTIONOF THE CAMERA.)

KRISTEN

Oh my God!

NATHAN

What?

(HE FEELS AROUND UNTIL HISHANDS FINDS THE INTENSE RUSHOF BLOOD POURING OUT OF HIM.HE IMMEDIATELY LETS OUT A

OSCAR BAIT 3-D 5

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SERIES OF HIGH-PITCHEDSCREAMS.)

KRISTEN

Doctor! We need a doctor here,

quick!

(THE DOCTOR (JASON) APPEARS,HES HOLDING A CLIPBOARD ANDPEN.)

JASON

Wow, thats quite a gusher

there, isnt it? Just a

second, Ive gotta finish this

paperwork.

(HE BEGINS TO SCRIBBLE BUT HASSOME DIFFICULTY.)

JASON (CONTD)

Dammit, this pen wont write!

(HE THROWS THE PEN TOWARDS THECAMERA AND THEN THECLIPBOARD.)

KRISTEN

Please, you have to help him.

(NATHAN CONTINUES SCREAMINGAND THE BLOOD CONTINUESSTREAMING OUT OF HIM.)

OSCAR BAIT 3-D 6

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JASONCalm down, soldier. Were

gonna patch you right up.

Youll be as good as new.

(HES STILL SCREAMING. JASONSLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE.NATHAN STOPS SCREAMING, BUTNOW HES CRYING.)

NATHAN

Why would you do that?

(JASON BEGINS WRESTLING WITHTHE BLOOD POURING WOUND.NOTHING IS MAKING IT BETTER.)

NATHAN

Anna? Anna are you there?

KRISTEN

Im right here.

NATHAN

I want my mommy.

KRISTEN

I know. Im so sorry.

(THE BLOOD CONTINUES TO

ERUPT.)NATHAN

Could you pretend to be my

mommy?

OSCAR BAIT 3-D 7

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KRISTENUm, okay. Everythings going

to be okay, sweetheart.

NATHAN

Dimples, my mommy calls me

Dimples.

KRISTEN

Everythings going to be okay,

Dimples. Just hang in there.

(STILL POURING BLOOD.)

NATHAN

Im cold, Mommy. Could you

make me some hot chocolate?

KRISTEN

Okay, if I do that, Im going

to need to let go of your

hand.

NATHAN(tantrum)

No, dont leave me, Mommy! I

dont want to be alone.

OSCAR BAIT 3-D 8

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KRISTENOkay, I wont go. Ill stay

right here.

NATHAN

I love you, Mommy.

(THE GUSHING FLOW OF BLOODSUDDENLY STOPS AND HE FALLS TOTHE BED DEAD.)

JASON

Yeah, hes gone. Are you going

to be okay, Nurse?

(SHE TURNS AND BEGINS SLOWLYWALKING TOWARDS THE CAMERA ASSHE SPEAKS, HER ARMS REACHINGOUT IN FRONT OF HER.)

KRISTEN

Yes. Im going to go to

Indiana. Im going to find

this poor mans mother and Im

going to tell her that her son

died like the hero he was.

Like a soldier.

(OUT)

OSCAR BAIT 3-D 9

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(Jessica Johnson)WEEKEND UPDATE

CHARACTERS: SETH, LIAM (ANDY), BOBBY

(OPEN ON: SETH AT THE WEEKEND UPDATE DESK.)

SETH

Good evening, Im Seth Meyers

and these are tonight's top

stories.

(ART CARD: A PAIR OF WEDDINGBANDS.)

SETH (CONTD)

A man who ate his girlfriend

and a woman who drank the

blood of her murder victim

have become engaged after

meeting at a psychiatric unitin Sweden. The couples

therapists warned potential

wedding guests that they

WEEKEND UPDATE 1

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should take the RSVP cards

very seriously.

(ART CARD: WEDDING RSVP CARDTHAT READS: HOW WOULD YOULIKE TO BE PREPARED: __ RARE,

__ MEDIUM, __ WELL DONE.)

(ART CARD: A NORMALCOCKROACH.)

SETH (CONTD)

The Bronx Zoo will, for the

low price of $10, let you name

one of their 58,000 Madagascar

cockroaches after your loved

one, but I think we can all

agree that this guy should be

named Ryan.

(ART CARD: A COCKROACH WEARINGA SILVER JACKET WITH A SCORPION ON THE BACK WITH SOMELOVELY RYAN GOSLING HAIR AND A SPEECH BUBBLE THAT SAYS, HEY,GIRL.)

SETH (CONTD)

Rick Santorum swept Tuesdaysprimaries in Missouri,

Minnesota and Colorado. Here

to comment on the results is

WEEKEND UPDATE 2

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Liam, the Teenager Who Just

Woke Up.

(LIAM (ANDY) ROLLS IN, LOOKINGHALF DEAD.)

SETH

Hey, Liam. Hows it going?

ANDY

I just woke up.

SETH

Right, I can tell. So, what do

you think of the latest GOP

primary results?

ANDY

I just had the weirdest dream.

I was swimming through the

kelp forest, and I saw this

girl and she had the body of a

sea otter, but her face was

super hot, so I was totally

into it, plus she was all softand fluffy. And she sang me

this song: Liam, rest your

head down on my fuzzy belly

WEEKEND UPDATE 3

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and have some crabs with me.

And thats when I woke up.

SETH

We really need to talk about

these primary results.

ANDY

What about them?

SETH

Do you think its a big deal

that Mitt Romney got beaten in

three states by Rick Santorum?

ANDY

Oh right, Rick Santorum, he

was in my dream, too! Except

in my dream, he was part dog

and he had this beautiful,

long, flowing hair and he was

trying to get me and the otter

lady to have a threesome with

him. I wasnt into it at

first, but he was pretty

charismatic, so I started

WEEKEND UPDATE 4

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petting him but he got a

little too excited and this

brown stuff

SETH

Okay, you know what, I think

maybe you should go get some

more sleep and maybe we can do

this later.

(LIAM HAS BEGUN DOSING OFF.)

ANDY

No, its totally cool, Mom. I

can eat the garbage after

school.

SETH

Yeah, youre done. Liam, the

Teenager Who Just Woke Up!

(LIAM EXITS.)

(ART CARD: YOUR TYPICAL PHOTOOF GARY BUSEY, LOOKING LIKE HEDOES.)

SETH (CONTD)

Gary Busey has filed for

bankruptcy, but it takes a lot

WEEKEND UPDATE 5

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of plastic surgery, to look

this scary.

(ART CARD: BARACK OBAMA)

SETH (CONTD)

President Obama drew criticism

from conservatives and

liberals this week when he

gave his campaign permission

to raise money for the

Democratic Super PAC,

Priorities USA.

For those of you lost on the

latest outrage, heres what

happened on the previous

episode of Law & Order:

Supreme Court Unit.

(SFX: LAW & ORDER GAVEL SOUND)

SETH (CONTD)

In January 2010, the Supreme

Court ruled on a pair of cases

that lifted a ban on corporate

funds being used in politics,

WEEKEND UPDATE 6

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while also stating that

capping donations was

unconstitutional because

people have freedom of speech.

And in the Supreme Courts

Thesaurus, not only are

corporations people, but

speech is money. Im sure my

old family friend Wal-Mart

will totally agree when I try

to pay for a 12-pack of toilet

paper with a limerick.

President Obama came out

against the ruling during

2010s State of the Union

address, which is kind of like

your kid calling you out

during his valedictorian

speech.

Despite his opposition, the

Super PACs were born and now

that its two years later and

WEEKEND UPDATE 7

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the President has to reapply

for his job, hes decided to

give these Super PAC things a

try. Liberals are upset that

hes not sticking to his guns

and conservatives are upset

because they remember how

awesome Obama was at raising

money the last time around and

they could really use an edge

because all of their

candidates are crazy people

and maybe if they raise enough

money, theyll be able to

afford the cosmetic surgery to

give whoever wins the GOP

primary a Ronald Reagan

makeover because theyre

really running out of options.

But really, is it that much of

a surprise that Obama jumped

on the Super PAC train? These

WEEKEND UPDATE 8

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organizations have doubled the

spending from 2008s

Presidential primary, back

when mud-slinging and name-

calling your fellow party

members was a pastime enjoyed

by Democrats, as well as

Republicans. Entering into

this campaign without Super

PAC money would be like

entering a marshmallow Peep

into a cock fight. I know

weve come to expect some

pretty stupid behavior from

our politicians, but allowing

your opponent to accept

millions of dollars in

donations more than you is

Snooki-level economics. Does

this action mean President

Obama is a cynical politician

whos left the audacity of

WEEKEND UPDATE 9

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hope behind? No, it just means

he can do math.

(ART CARD: A CONVENT WITH A NUN IN FRONT OF IT.)

SETH (CONTD)

A group of nuns in Stone Park,

Illinois are protesting the

arrival a new strip club next

door to their convent and

theyve employed some

interesting tactics.

(ART CARD: THE SAME CONVENTWITH A SIGN OUT FRONT FLASHINGLIVE NUNS! NUNS! NUNS!)

SETH (CONTD)

Supporters of gay rights have

been bombarding the remaining

GOP Presidential candidates

with glitter bombs at public

events. Here to comment on

these attacks isSNL

sresident craft guru, Glitter

Bobby Moynihan.

WEEKEND UPDATE 10

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(BOBBY ROLLS OUT BEHIND THEDESK, HIS HANDS ARE A BITSPARKLY AND HES WEARINGVARIOUS HANDMADE ITEMS.)

BOBBY

Good evening, Seth.

SETH

Hey, Bobby. We here in the SNL

family, know how passionate

you are about crafting and

your deep love of glitter, so

I was hoping you could tell us

what you think about glitter

bombing as a form of protest.

BOBBY

In short, Seth, Im appalled.

SETH

Appalled? Whys that?

BOBBY

Glitter is a precious, finite

resource, to see it being

thrown about willy-nilly is

very distressing. I mean, our

children could grow up in a

WEEKEND UPDATE 11

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world without glitter. How

will they make their art

projects sparkle?

SETH

Bobby, I dont think theres

any risk of a glitter

shortage.

BOBBY

Sure you dont. Its part of

the media cover-up. Just last

week a glitter mine in North

Dakota collapsed. Plus,

theres been an extra strain

on resources after the

popularity of reality shows

like Toddlers & Tiaras and

RuPauls Drag Race .

SETH

I had no idea it was so

serious.

WEEKEND UPDATE 12

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BOBBYOh yeah. Recently, Hobby Lobby

has started importing foreign

glitter from China and, while

its cheaper, the quality of

the product is quite lacking.

SETH

Let me ask you about something

else. A doctor recently

commented saying that these

glitter bombs can be dangerous

because the glitter could

scratch a persons eye or be

inhaled and cause a sinus

infection. What do you make of

that?

BOBBY(laughing)

Thats ridiculous. Ive been

using glitter every day for my

entire life and Ive never had

any problems.

WEEKEND UPDATE 13

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SETHReally? At the Christmas party

where you coughed straight for

90 minutes, spewing glitter

all over the room.

BOBBY

That was a special

circumstance, I had just

finished making 500 handmade

holiday cards. They were very

beautiful.

SETH

No, I remember. Im still

trying to get the glitter out

of my carpet.

BOBBY

Do you mind if I come over and

sweep that up. I can recycle

it for my next project. Its a

life-size model of Edward from Twilight .

WEEKEND UPDATE 14

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SETHNo, definitely not. Glitter

Bobby Moynihan, everybody!

For Weekend Update, Im Seth

Meyers!

(OUT)

WEEKEND UPDATE 15

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(Jessica Johnson)GAME OF THRONES PARODY

CHARACTERS: CLARICE (ABBY), OLIVER (ANDY), ASHER (TARAN),ANNA (NASIM), TORR (NATHAN)

(VIDEO: "PREVIOUSLY ON GAMES OF THRONES" CLIP PACKAGEFEATURING THE CHARACTER ARYA SAYING "ANYONE CAN BE KILLED,"FOLLOWED BY MANY, MANY SHOTS FROM THE SHOW OF CHARACTERSDYING.)

(OPEN ON: A MEDIEVAL TAVERN, CLARICE (ABBY), THE SERVINGWENCH, IS WIPING DOWN TABLES WHILE OLIVER (ANDY) AND ASHER(TARAN) DRINK SOME ALE.)

TARAN

I heard Tarquin is dead. Torn

apart by hungry dragons.

ANDY

William is gone, as well.

TARAN

Dragons?

GAME OF THRONES PARODY 1

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ANDYNo, he lost a duel with

Fendrel. Then Fendrel got

eaten by a dragon.

(ANNA (NASIM) RUNS IN,BREATHLESS.)

ABBY

What is it, Anna?

NASIM

King Simon is dead!

ANDY

Not another one.

ABBY

That's the fifth king this

month.

TARAN

Who killed him? Who's the new

king?

NASIM

No one. He drowned in the

river.


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ANDYWait, you mean there's no

king?

TARAN

If there's no king, who can we

blame for all our problems?

ABBY

Whose name will we curse to

the gods?

ANDY

This is terrible! We need a

new king!

NASIM

But who would want to be king

now? The last 87 kings have

all died horrible, bloody

deaths.

(TORR (NATHAN) ENTERS, A BITMORE POLISHED AND HANDSOMETHAN THE OTHERS. THEY BRIGHTENA BIT AND SHARE LOOKS BETWEEN

EACH OTHER, ALL THINKING THESAME THING.)


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NATHANDid you hear the news? Another

one bites the dust, right?

(HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO ANDY ANDTARAN.)

NATHAN

Clarice, I'd love an ale.

(NO ONE MOVES, THEY JUST STAREAT HIM SILENTLY.)

NATHAN

Please?

ANDY

Torr, you knew King Simon,

didnt you?

NATHAN

Not really. I used to get my

meat from him back when he was

just a butcher.

TARAN

And didnt I also see you

talking with King Oren all thetime, too.


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NATHANI wouldnt say that. I did

sell him some candles once,

but that was before, when he

ran the bakery.

ABBY

Candlesticks, such a glamorous

commodity these days.

NASIM

Fit for a king.

NATHAN

I dont know about that

ANDY

You know, Torr, the kingdom

needs a leader.

ABBY

Someone strong.

NASIM

And handsome.

NATHANI dont see why we need a

king. Were thoughtful,


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intelligent people. We should

be able to rule ourselves.

TARAN

Rule ourselves?

ABBY

Answer to no one?

ANDY

Be our own masters?

ALL

No way!

NATHAN

Come on, guys. It could be

great.

TARAN

I nominate Torr, the

candlestick maker as our new

king.

NASIM

Second!

(ABBY PRODUCES A FLIMSY PAPERCROWN FROM HER POCKET ANDPLACES IT ON NATHANS HEAD.)


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ANDYDo you hereby vow to protect

the kingdom of Westeros from

war, famine, tropical storms,

dragons, frozen zombie things,

witches and anything else

unpleasant that should befall

us.

NATHAN

No!

(THEY ALL BOW BEFORE HIM.)

ALL

Long live the king!

NATHAN

I dont want to be king!

NASIM

King Torr, my fathers fields

have been barren all season

and were starving. Why wont

you help us?ABBY

King Torr, this tavern has

been plagued by bandits and


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TARANWho will rule us now?

A DELIVERYMAN (KENAN) ENTERS.

KENAN

Good morrow, Clarice. Weve

got some fresh ale for you.

THE REST ALL SHARE A LOOKBETWEEN EACH OTHER.

ALL

NOT IT!

(OUT)


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(Jessica Johnson)DOWNTON ABBEY PLEDGE DRIVE

CHARACTERS: ALICE (KRISTEN), MARGARET (VANESSA), OPERATOR(TARAN), BUTLER (NATHAN)

(OPEN ON: ALICE (KRISTEN) AND MARGARET (VANESSA) ARE STANDINGIN A STUDIO BEHIND A TABLE. BEHIND THEM IS A SINGLE DESK WITHA PHONE WHERE AN OPERATOR (TARAN) SITS, WAITING FOR IT TORING.)

KRISTEN

Thank you so much for being

with us tonight here on PBS

for todays Downton Abbey

marathon. Im Alice.

VANESSA

And Im Margaret.

KRISTEN

Oh Margaret, wasnt that just

thrilling.

VANESSA

Thrilling.

DOWNTON ABBEY PLEDGE DRIVE 1

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KRISTENWell, if you found that last

episode as exciting as we did,

you are going to love what we

have in store for you. Isnt

that right, Margaret?

VANESSA

Yes it is, Alice. If you call

right now and pledge to Public

Broadcasting we will send you

this fabulous, long-stemmed

shoe horn.

(VANESSA PRODUCES AN ANTIQUE-LOOKING SHOE HORN WITH A 3-FOOT-LONG WHITE HANDLE.)

KRISTEN

That looks just like the one

Molesley bought for Lord

Grantham.

VANESSA

Its an exact replica, Alice.KRISTEN

(gasps)

Its so beautiful. I have


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something pretty special to

show you, too. If you call,

right this second we have a

special treat.

(SHE REACHES UNDER THE TABLEAND PRODUCES A LARGE, LAVISHHAT THAT SHE PLACES ONVANESSAS HEAD. THE MOMENT SHEDOES, VANESSAS HEAD ROCKSBACKWARD.)

VANESSA

Oh my.

KRISTEN

Thats right, its an exact

replica of a hat belonging to

Lady Violet, the Dowager

Countess of Grantham, a.k.a.

Dame Maggie Smith. Youll

notice, its weighted in the

back so that you cant help

but walk around with your nose

in the air.(VANESSA REMOVES THE HAT.)


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VANESSA And, as a free gift, youll

receive this fabulous PBS tote

bag.

KRISTEN

So call right away. But now,

lets return to Downton Abbey .

(OUT)


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(Jessica Johnson)TOWN HALL APOCALYPSE

CHARACTERS: ALAN (FRED), MALLORY (ABBY), LANCE THE MORLOCK(BILL), NELSON (BOBBY), JULIA (NASIM), MATT (ANDY), ERIC(JASON), ROB (KENAN), KELLY (KRISTEN), EVE (VANESSA), NEIL(TARAN), JESSIE (JAY), TED (NATHAN)

(OPEN ON: A TOWN HALL MEETING. EVERYONE IS PRESENT. ALAN(FRED) IS UP FRONT BEHIND A PODIUM, BEATING A GAVEL.)

FRED

Attention everyone! Id like

to call this Pinesboro

community meeting to order. As

you all know, I am your town

selectman, Alan Shepherd. As

youll see on the agenda, we

have a lot of items to tackle,

so lets get right down to it.

Julie, I believe you have an

issue you wanted to discuss.

(NASIM STANDS.)

TOWN HALL APOCALYPSE 1

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NASIMYes, Ive been having serious

issues with parking outside of

my offices and its really

having a negative impact on my

business.

(KENAN STANDS.)

KENAN

Excuse me, are we seriously

talking about parking?

FRED

Im sorry Rob, but this is the

first agenda item.

KENAN

You dont think that the first

agenda item should maybe be

those flying saucers outside?

(SFX: ALIEN LASERS FIRINGOUTSIDE)

FRED

Rob, I hear you and I

understand but the town bylaws

state that we must address all


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issues in the order in which

they are submitted. We will

heard your concerns at the end

of the meeting after all the

official agenda points have

been discussed. Please, take

your seat.

(KENAN RELUCTANTLY SITS.)

NASIM

Anyhow, as I was saying, I

would like to post a sign

stating that the area in front

of my office is expressly

reserved for my customers.

FRED

Any objections?

(NO ONE RESPONDS.)

FRED

The motion is carried. Thank

you, Julia.

(NASIMS SITS DOWN.)


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FREDNext, we have Eve and Nelson

Pattmore.

(VANESSA AND BOBBY STAND.)

VANESSA

This is a little awkward.

(SFX: A LARGE EXPLOSION FROMOUTSIDE.

BOBBY

Its okay, honey, dont

apologize.

KENAN

Could you please hurry it up a

bit.

VANESSA

Its just that we have asked

Sheila, our next-door

neighbor, many times to please

observe the two-inch rule when

it comes to grooming her lawn

and she has repeatedly ignored

our requests.


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BOBBYHer grass has frequently grown

to as much as two-and-a-half

or even two-and-three-quarters

inches and it can be quite an

embarrassment when we have

company over.

KENAN

Are you kidding me?

FRED

Rob, please. Please. Sheila do

you have anything to say for

yourself.

(KRISTEN STANDS.)

KRISTEN

Actually, this morning my

entire front lawn was

destroyed by a falling meteor.

So, I can definitely say that

my grass is no longer aviolation of the two-inch

rule.

(SHE SITS.)


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FREDWell, that sounds great.

Nelson and Eve are you

satisfied.

(THEY NOD VIGOROUSLY AND SITDOWN.)

(SFX: GUNSHOTS RINGINGOUTSIDE.)

FRED

Our next agenda item comes

from one of our newer

residents, Lance the Morlock.

(BILL STANDS, HE LOOKS LIKE A MORLOCK FROM THE TIME MACHINE .)

BILL

Thank you. Im here as a

representative for the rest of

the Morlock people. We have a

simple request. We were hoping

that you could all please try

to cut back on the trans fats.We rely on you as our main

food source and your declining

eating habits are really


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beginning to take a toll on

our communitys well-being.

KENAN

Excuse me, why does he get to

speak but I have to wait?

FRED

Rob, because he submitted an

official request to me three

weeks ago. Please, just be

patient. Now, are there any

objections to adopting more

nutritional food choices to

better serve our underground

neighbors?

(NO ONE RESPONDS.)

FRED

Then the motion is carried.

(BILL SITS.)

FRED

Jessie and Mallory Slater,

youre up.

(ABBY AND JAY STAND.)


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ABBYWeve become totally addicted

to watching the nuclear

fallout on the news over the

past few days. Its like our

new favorite show. Its even

better than Real Housewives .

JAY

It really is. But the trees in

the park keep blocking our

satellite reception. Would

there be any objection to

cutting them down?

(SFX: A LOUD ROAR FROM A CREATURE, FOLLOWED BY THESOUND OF A SCREAMING WOMAN ISHEARD OUTSIDE.)

FRED

I think I can speak for the

town when I say that were

going to be needing a lot of

firewood soon since nuclear

winter is most certainly on

its way, so we might as well


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kill two birds with one stone

and take them down now.

ABBY

Excellent, thanks so much

Alan.

(ABBY AND JAY SIT.)

FRED

Next we have our usual visit

from Neil.

(TARAN STANDS, HES DRESSEDSHABBILY WEARING A SANDWICHBOARD STATING THE END ISNIGH.)

TARAN

Thats right. Its crazy Neil

again. Im here to wake you

sheeple up! The world is

coming to an end!

KENAN

Finally, someone else notices.

TARANYes, folks! The world will end

August 19th in the year 2037!

The great plague will be here


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and you will rue the day that

you did not heed my warning!

FRED

Okay, Neil. Thank you very

much for the warning but we do

have some other pressing

matters to discuss, so please

do take a seat.

TARAN

Thank you for your time.

(TARAN SITS.)

FRED

Eric, did you have something

you wanted to address?

(JASON STANDS, AT THE END OF A LEASH HE IS HOLDING ANDY, A ZOMBIE WHO IS GNAWING ON A PILE OF RAW FLESH.)

JASON

As you can see, my little

brother Matt was turned into azombie last week and Ive had

a heckuvah time keeping him in

fresh brains. Alan, since you


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run the local market, I was

hoping you could make an extra

effort to increase your stock.

(THE LIGHTS FLICKER.)

FRED

Absolutely and until those

come in, why dont you head on

down to Franklins pet store

and see if he has anything

that can tide Matt over for

now.

JASON

Thanks so much, Alan. Youre

the best.

(JASON AND ANDY SIT.)

FRED

Our last item on the agenda is

from a Mr. Ted MacFarland. Mr.

MacFarland I dont believe

youre a resident of our town.

(NATHAN STANDS LOOKING LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN INDIANA JONESAND SNAKE PLISSKEN.)


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NATHANNo, I just rolled into town

yesterday. It seems you folks

are in need of a hero and that

just happens to be my

specialty.

(SFX: ANOTHER EXPLOSION, THISONE CLOSER)

(THE ROOM SHAKES A BIT AND THELIGHTS FLICKER.)

KENAN

Yes, please, lets hire this

guy.

FRED

Rob, please restrain yourself.

Mr. MacFarland, while its

kind of you to offer, the town

bylaws do state that all

applications for heroes must

be filled out in triplicate,

followed by a background checkand a mandatory 30-day waiting

period before we can


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officially hire you. Now, I

have the forms right here

NATHAN

No, thanks. Ill just ride my

Hog down to Scranton. I hear

they might be needing my

services.

(NATHAN LEAVES.)

FRED

Well, that was our final

agenda item. Rob, would you

like us to discuss your issue

now.

(KENAN STANDS.)

KENAN

I dont see how this is MY

issue. Theres aliens and

zombies and underground people

are eating us. What are we

going to do about this,

people? The world is falling

apart!


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FREDThat is a fair point.

Unfortunately, I did just

check my watch and we have run

over our allotted time in this

space and the Tiny Tots Ballet

Class does have the room

scheduled after us. So, we

will table those concerns

until next months meeting.

Rob, please be sure to fill

out an official request so

that it gets on the agenda.

Meeting adjourned.

(EVERYONE BEGINS TO GET UP,KENAN STAYS WHERE HE IS,STUNNED.)

(CUT TO: WE SEE THE BUILDINGFROM OUTSIDE. EVERYTHINGAROUND IT IS DAMAGED ANDBURNING. ITS A COMPLETEWASTELAND.)


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