Satire 5 Si te propositi nondum pudet atque eadem est mens, ut bona summa putes aliena vivere quadra; si potes illa pati quae nec Sarmentus iniquas Caesaris ad mensas nec vilis Gabba tulisset, 5quamvis iurato metuam tibi credere testi.

If you are not yet ashamed of your life plan and your mind is the same, that you think it the greatest happiness to live off another’s scraps; if you can endure that which neither Sarmentus nor poor Gabba bore at the unequal tables of Caesar, I however shall fear to believe you although you are witness under oath.

ventre nihil novi frugalius; hoc tamen ipsum defecisse puta, quod inani sufficit alvo: nulla crepido vacat? nusquam pons et tegetis pars dimidia brevior? tantine iniuria cenae, 10tam ieiuna fames, cum possit honestius illic et tremere et sordes farris mordere canini?

I know nothing is more frugal than a belly; however think that this itself is lacking which is enough for an empty stomach; is there no step empty? Isn’t there anywhere a bridge or shorter half ofa rug? Are the injustices of dinner worth it, is your hunger is so famished, since it is possible there to both tremble more honestly and gnaw on dirty scraps of dog’s bread?

Primo fige loco, quod tu discumbere iussus mercedem solidam veterum capis officiorum, fructus amicitiae magnae cibus; inputat hunc rex, 15et quamvis rarum tamen inputat. ergo duos post si libuit menses neglectum adhibere clientem, tertia ne vacuo cessaret culcita lecto,

Make sure in the first place, that you, ordered to sit down, take a solid payment of your longstanding services, food is the fruit of a great friendship; your king charges this, and yet however rarely, he does charge it. Therefore if two months later it was pleasing to invite a neglected client, so that the third cushion does not rest on an empty couch.

‘una simus,’ ait. votorum summa! quid ultra quaeris? habet Trebius propter quod rumpere somnum 20debeat et ligulas dimittere, sollicitus ne tota salutatrix iam turba peregerit orbem, sideribus dubiis aut illo tempore quo se frigida circumagunt pigri serraca Bootae. Qualis cena tamen! vinum quod sucida nolit 25lana pati: de conviva Corybanta videbis.

Let us be together, he says. The sum total of your prayers! What more might you ask for? Trebius has at hand something for which he ought to break his sleep and let down his shoe straps, anxious that the whole greeter morning crowd will have already completed the round, when the stars are not quite in, or at that time

when the cold carts of the Bootes circle themselves around lazily. Yet what a dinner! Wine which cotton refuses to suffer absorbing, from a fellow guest you will see corybant Bootes – triones

iurgia proludunt, sed mox et pocula torques saucius et rubra deterges vulnera mappa, inter vos quotiens libertorumque cohortem pugna Saguntina fervet commissa lagona. Quarrels play out but soon both you will both throw cups, wounded, and mop up your wounds with a reddening napkin, as often among you and the troop of freedmen, does the battle glow fought with saguntine glassware

30ipse capillato diffusum consule potat, calcatamque tenet bellis socialibus uvam, cardiaco numquam cyathum missurus amico; cras bibet Albanis aliquid de montibus aut de Setinis, cuius patriam titulumque senectus 35delevit multa veteris fuligine testae, quale coronati Thrasea Helvidiusque bibebant Brutorum et Cassi natalibus. Ipse capaces Heliadum crustas et inaequales berullo Virro tenet phialas: tibi non committitur aurum, 40vel si quando datur, custos adfixus ibidem, qui numeret gemmas, ungues observet acutos.

He himself drinks something which was poured out when the consuls had long hair, and he holds grapes pressed in the social war, never about to send a thimbleful, to a friend with heartburn; tomorrow he will drink something from the alban mountains or from Setia, whose country and title old age has destroyed with much soot of the old jar, the sort which Thraesa and Helvidius used to drink garlanded on the birthdays of Bruti and Cassius. Virro himself holds broad saucers encrusted with the Heliades and uneven with beryl; gold isn’t entrusted to you, or if ever it is given, a guard is positioned in that very spot, to counts the gems, and observes your sharp nails.

da veniam, praeclara illi laudatur iaspis; nam Virro, ut multi, gemmas ad pocula transfert a digitis, quas in vaginae fronte solebat 45ponere zelotypo iuvenis praelatus Iarbae. tu Beneventani sutoris nomen habentem siccabis calicem nasorum quattuor ac iam quassatum et rupto poscentem sulpura vitro.

Give leave, for there bright jasper is praised; for Virro, as many do, transfers the gems from his fingers to his cup, which the young man preferred to jealous Iarbus usually placed on the front of his scabbard. You will drain a calyx with 4 spouts bearing the name of a Beneventian cobbler and already shattered and requiring sulphur for its broken glass.

Si stomachus domini fervet vinoque ciboque,

50frigidior Geticis petitur decocta pruinis. non eadem vobis poni modo vina querebar: vos aliam potatis aquam, tibi pocula cursor Gaetulus dabit aut nigri manus ossea Mauri et cui per mediam nolis occurrere noctem, 55clivosae veheris dum per monumenta Latinae:

If the stomach of the master burns with wine and food, a chilled drink is sought, colder than Getican hoar frost. I was only complaining that the wine which was not the same was presented to you: you drink the other water, for you Gaetulian slave will give drinking cup or the boney hand of a black moor, with whom I would not want to meet in the middle of the night, while you are carried along the monuments of the hilly Latin way:

flos Asiae ante ipsum, pretio maiore paratus quam fuit et Tulli census pugnacis et Anci et, ne te teneam, Romanorum omnia regum frivola. quod cum ita sit, tu Gaetulum Ganymedem 60respice, cum sities. nescit tot milibus emptus pauperibus miscere puer; set forma, set aetas digna supercilio, quando ad te pervenit ille? quando rogatus adest calidae gelidaeque minister?

The flower of Asia is before him, bought for a greater price than was the estate of warlike Tullus and of Ancius, and, lest I keep you, all the frivolities of the Roman kings. With this being so, you glance at the Gaetulian Ganymede, when you are thirsty. The boy bought for so many thousands does not know how to pour for the paupers; but his form, but his age merits with his arrogance. when does he reach you? When asked is he present for you as the minister of cold and hot water?

quippe indignatur veteri parere clienti, 65quodque aliquid poscas et quod se stante recumbas. maxima quaeque domus servis est plena superbis. ecce alius quanto porrexit murmure panem vix fractum, solidae iam mucida frusta farinae, quae genuinum agitent, non admittentia morsum;for sure he is scornful to obey an old client, and that you might demand something and that you recline while he stands. Each very great house is full of arrogant slaves. Look with how much grumbling one offers bread scarcely breakable, already musty pieces of solid grain, which drive on the cheeks, not allowing a bite;

70sed tener et niveus mollique siligine fictus servatur domino, dextram cohibere memento, salva sit artoptae reverentia, finge tamen te inprobulum, superest illic qui ponere cogat: ‘vis tu consuetis, audax conviva, canistris 75impleri panisque tui novisse colorem?’ But bread, tender and fluffy, and made with soft four is served to the master, remember to restrain your right hand, may your reverence of the breadpan be safe, yet fashion yourself to be a little wicked, he who forces to put it down remains there;“will you, daring diner, please fill yourself from the usual baskets and know the colour of your bread?”

‘scilicet hoc fuerat, propter quod saepe relicta coniuge per montem adversum gelidasque cucurri Esquilias, fremeret saeva cum grandine vernus Iuppiter et multo stillaret paenula nimbo.’ Doubtless it is this because of which often with my wife abandoned I have run through hostile mountains and Esquiline snows, and vernal Jupiter roars with savage hail and my cloak drips much rain.”Aspice quam longo distinguat2 pectore lancem quae fertur domino squilla, et quibus undique saepta asparagis qua despiciat convivia cauda, dum venit excelsi manibus sublata ministri. set tibi dimidio constrictus cammarus ovo 85ponitur exigua feralis cena patella. See how a lobster distinguishes the platter with a long breast which is brought to the master, and with what asparagus on every side it is enclosed, with what its tail looks down on the diners, while it comes raised by the hands of a lofty servant. But for you a shrivelled up crayfish is placed with half an egg, a little dinner fit for the dead. ipse Venafrano piscem perfundit: at hic qui pallidus adfertur misero tibi caulis olebit lanternam; illud enim vestris datur alveolis quod canna Micipsarum prora subvexit acuta, 90propter quod Romae cum Boccare nemo lavatur, quod tutos etiam facit a serpentibus atris. 3 He himself drowns his fish in Venafran olive oil; but this pale cabbage which is brought forth to wretched you will smell of a lantern; for that oil was given in your dishes which the reed boat of Micipsa carried over with a sharp prow, for the reason in Rome no one will bathe with Africans, why it even made them safe from black serpents. Mullus erit domini, quem misit Corsica vel quem Tauromenitanae rupes, quando omne peractum est et iam defecit nostrum mare, dum gula saevit, 95retibus adsiduis penitus scrutante macello proxima, nec patimur Tyrrhenum crescere piscem, instruit ergo focum provincia, sumitur illinc quod captator emat Laenas, Aurelia vendat. There will be a mullet for the master which Corsica sent or the Taurominitian crags, since all our sea is finished and now has failed, while gluttony rages, searching deep within the fish market with the incessant nets, not even do we allow a Tyrrhenian fish to grow. therefore the provinces provide for the kitchen hearth, from there is taken what the legacy hunter Laenas buys, and Aurelia sells. Virroni muraena datur, quae maxima venit 100gurgite de Siculo; nam dum se continet Auster, dum sedet et siccat madidas in carcere pinnas, contemnunt mediam temeraria lina Charybdim. vos anguilla manet longae cognata colubrae, aut glacie aspersus maculis Tiberinus, et ipse 105vernula riparum, pinguis torrente cloaca. A lamprey is given to Virro which comes as the biggest from the gulf of sicily; for as long as the south wind holds itself, back while it sits and in prison dries its wet feathers, the daring flax nets defy the middle of

Charybdis. But an eel awaits you, from the same blood as a long snake, or a Tiber fish splattered with spots, and himself a slave of the shores, fat with steaming sewage. et solitus mediae cryptam penetrare Suburae. Ipsi pauca velim, facilem si praebeat aurem. ‘nemo petit, modicis quae mittebantur amicis a Seneca, quae Piso bonus, quae Cotta solebat 110largiri; namque et titulis et fascibus olim maior habebatur donandi gloria, solum poscimus ut cenes civiliter, hoc face et esto, esto, ut nunc multi, dives tibi, pauper amicis.’ And used to making its way into the cavern in the middle of the subura. I would like to say a few words with him himself, if he might proffer an easy ear.“no one asks, what was sent by Seneca to modest friends, what good piso, what cotta usually granted; for both once greater glory was had in giving than both in titles and rods, only we ask that you dine courteously, do this and be, be as many are now, rich to yourself, poor to your friends.”

Anseris ante ipsum magni iecur, anseribus par 115altilis, et flavi dignus ferro Meleagri spumat4 aper. post hunc tradentur tubera, si ver tunc erit et facient optata tonitrua cenas maiores. ‘tibi habe frumentum,’ Alledius inquit, ‘o Libye, disiunge boves, dum tubera mittas.’ The liver of a great goose is before the master, a fattened bird like a goose, and, a boar foams worthy of the steel of golden haired Meleager. After this, truffles are handed over, if then there will be spring and longed for thunderstorms make the dinner greater. “Have corn for yourself” Alledius says, “o Libya, unyoke your cows, so long as you send truffles.”120Structorem interea, nequa indignatio desit, saltantem spectes et chironomunta volanti cultello, donec peragat dictata magistri omnia; nec minimo sane discrimine refert, quo gestu lepores et quo gallina secetur.Meanwhile, by no means is indignation missing, you watch the carver dancing and miming with a flourished knife, until he acts out everything suggested by the master; and it is a matter of most concern by which gesture hares and chickens should be cut. 125duceris planta velut ictus ab Hercule Cacus et ponere foris, si quid temptaveris umquam hiscere, tamquam habeas tria nomina, quando propinat Virro tibi, sumitve tuis contacta labellis pocula? quis vestrum temerarius usque adeo, quis 130perditus, ut dicat regi ‘bibe’? plurima sunt quae non audent homines perfusa dicere laena. You will be dragged by the foot just as struck cacus was by Hercules and put out at the door, if you dare to ever murmur, as if you have three names. when does Virro drink to you, or take a drinking cup which has touched your lips? Which of you is so reckless, who is all the way so thoughtless that you might say “drink” to the king? There are very many things which men do not dare to say when he has a torn cloak. quadringenta tibi si quis deus aut similis dis et melior fatis donaret homuncio, quantus,

ex nihilo, quantus fieres Virronis amicus! If any god or some mere man similar to the gods, kinder than the fates should give to you 400 thousand sesterces, how important, from nothing, how great a friend would you become to Virro”135‘da Trebio, pone ad Trebium. vis, frater, ab ipsis ilibus?’ o nummi, vobis hunc praestat honorem, vos estis fratres, dominus tamen et domini rex si vis tu fieri, nullus tibi parvolus aula luserit Aeneas nec filia dulcior illo; 140iucundum et carum sterilis facit uxor amicum. Give it to trebius, place it down for Trebius. Would you like some of this loin, brother? O coins, he provides this honour for you, you are = brothers. if you want to become the master however and king of masters, let no little Aeneas play nor daughter sweeter than him in your hall for you. A barren wife makes a friend joyful and dear. sed tua nunc Mycale pariat licet et pueros tres in gremium patris fundat semel, ipse loquaci gaudebit nido, viridem thoraca iubebit adferri minimasque nuces assemque rogatum, 145ad mensam quotiens parasitus venerit infans. Vilibus ancipites fungi ponentur amicis, boletus domino, set quales Claudius edit ante illum uxoris, post quem nihil amplius edit. But now it is allowed that your Mycale should bring forth and spill out three sons at once onto their father’s lap, he himself will rejoice in your noisy nest, he will order green jacket and tiny nuts and an asked for pennies to be brought, whenever the parasitic infant should come to the table. Doubtful fungi are placed before undervalued friends, the finest mushroom for the master, but such that Claudius ate before his wife’s kind, after which he ate nothing more. Virro sibi et reliquis Virronibus illa iubebit 150poma dari, quorum solo pascaris odore, qualia perpetuus Phaeacum autumnus habebat, credere quae possis subrepta sororibus Afris: tu scabie frueris mali, quod in aggere rodit qui tegitur parma et galea, metuensque flagelli 155discit ab hirsuta iaculum torquere capella. Virro will order these apples to be given for himself and the other Virros, on whose scent alone you might be fed, the sort which everlasting autumn of Phaeacia used to have, which you could believe were stolen from the sisters of Africa. You will enjoy the scab of an apple, which a monkey gnaws on the embankment who is covered by a shield and a helmet, and fearing the whip, he learns from the bristly goat to hurl a dart. Forsitan inpensae Virronem parcere credas, hoc agit ut doleas; nam quae comoedia, mimus quis melior plorante gula? ergo omnia fiunt, si nescis, ut per lacrimas effundere bilem 160cogaris pressoque diu stridere molari. Perhaps you believe that Virro is saving his expenses, this he does so that you grieve, for what comedic actor, what mime is there who is better than a gurgling stomach? Therefore everything happens, if you don’t know, that you are forced to vent your anger through tears and to noisily grind your teeth for a long time.

tu tibi liber homo et regis conviva videris: captum te nidore suae putat ille culinae; nec male coniectat: quis enim tam nudus, ut illum bis ferat, Etruscum puero si contigit aurum 165vel nodus tantum et signum de paupere loro? You seem to yourself a free man and a guest of the king; he thinks that you are captured by the smell of his kitchen; nor does he think it wrongly; for who is so destitute to bear him twice, if he wore Etruscan gold as a boy, or only the knotted thong made from the poor leather? spes bene cenandi vos decipit: ‘ecce dabit iam semesum leporem atque aliquid de clunibus apri, ad nos iam veniet minor altilis.’ inde parato intactoque omnes et stricto pane tacetis. Hope of dining well ensnares you: “look now he will give a half eaten hare and some of the haunch of the boar, now a smaller fat bird will come to us.” Then everyone is silent with bread tightly held, prepared and untouched. 170ille sapit qui te sic utitur, omnia ferre si potes, et debes, pulsandum vertice raso praebebis quandoque caput, nec dura timebis flagra pati, his epulis et tali dignus amico.He who treats you so is wise, if you can bear everything, you deserve it, with a shaved crown you will offer your head to be beaten at some time, and nor will you fear to suffer harsh lashes, worthy of these banquets and such a friend.